


What it is the William Chronicles part 1.

by Elle_Dread



Series: McGregor Chronicles [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Branding, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Consensual Underage Sex, Cult, Extremely Underage, Father/Son Incest, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Consensual Oral Sex, Parent/Child Incest, Pederasty, Pedophilia, Personality Disorder, Physical Abuse, Priest Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Violence, Shota, Sibling Incest, Uncle/Nephew Incest, Underage Kissing, Will is 10/11 in the story, lots of incest, mentions underage drinking/drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2018-11-08 22:37:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 39
Words: 374,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11091372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elle_Dread/pseuds/Elle_Dread
Summary: William's world is a different world from that of other 10 years olds. He's extremely intelligent and has a thirst to know information about every situation he comes across even the ones he doesn't really understand including the family secret. The secret no outsider can know about. His Dad belongs to the brotherhood and group of like minded men who abuse children for their own entertainment and pleasure. Will the more William find out prepare him to better get himself and his family away from the brotherhood and protect them from their father and uncle or will things spiral out of control the more secrets he uncovers about his twisted and inferious world?





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Someone asked for Will's POV. This is it the beginning of it anyway. It starts off when he was young and works it's way up to match with the same timeline John is talking about rather quickly. If there aren't consistant updates for this one yet I'm sorry it's a work in progress. Please note all characters are fictional and any similarities to other people real or imagined is coincidental. I don't condone child abuse or rape in any form and believe those who do should be punished. Please mind the tags which will be posted at the beginning of each chapter as well as on the front page. If you don't like the tags please I strongly suggest you don't read.  
> Warnings for this chapter: Underage, rape/non-con, Will is around 8/9 for the first half and 9/10 for the second. Talks about parent/child incest, forced oral sex, child molestation, talk of puberty and physical development and emotional abuse

I’m not sure why I’m writing this at all. This is a choice I made. It didn’t start out that way. It started out as something beyond my control, beyond even my vaguest understanding. Once I decided to stay though I knew it was a choice to give up my life. To give up my chance at any happiness so that I could give happiness to others. Give others the escape I could never find.

My first memories are simple. The weight of his arms pulling me up under my armpits to make me toddle faster to where we were going. The darkness sealing me in along with the quiet like a blanket of protection as he shut the door behind me. Like a temporary tomb enclosing itself around me. A tomb of protection. I remember the screaming sometimes. The crying. Mum always yelling and Da replying in that hateful hiss. That lower glowering voice that meant danger, be careful.

There are many other things that I don’t remember, don’t know about I’m sure. But those are my first memories floating on my sub conscious like a dream long forgotten when I get stressed about something I’m doing presently. I don’t have the memories John has but, I am after all a different person if not trapped in the same world, raised by the same monsters clawing at our skin. I remember my first room alone. Being about six.

I remember the dark blue walls with a painted landscape a scene of midnight the full moon etched into the wall above the head of my bed the dark blue dotted with bits of white yellow to represent stars. A hilly country side filling out the lower half of the wall a train painted fixed into the wall as if traveling down a track by midnight. I remember staring at the train for hours. It only happened once a week or so but I remember wishing I was on that train somewhere far away where he didn’t touch me like that, where his hands didn’t make me feel funny and he didn’t run against my back or make those horrible noises. My first really vivid memory was John’s screams after Uncle Ben had put me to bed, grabbing my attention pulling me from a peaceful sleep. I ran out into the hallway peering through the railing to see into the living below me my heart stopping and throat closing as I saw Uncle Ben on top of him as he whimpered and shrieked, no words forming.

He was doing things like Da did to me only it was hurting him instead of making him feel funny. Making him scream instead of making him be awkwardly quiet. I remember wanting him to stop screaming at the same time as thinking how mean uncle Ben was and how I wished I could stop him but knowing he would probably only hurt me too. I remember wondering if that’s what it looked like when Da rubbed against my back at night telling me to stay quiet so I didn’t wake anyone up that I was a good boy and he was sorry it felt funny but that I would like it later. That it would feel good. The way uncle Ben moved his pants down his butt in the air as he throw back his head making weird noises like he was some type of animal. After a while I managed to look away allow myself to leave knowing John wouldn’t want me to see that. Want me to know that.

John didn’t speak for nearly a week barely looking at anyone going to school coming home and locking himself in his room to be quiet and do his homework. Coming out for dinner and then going back into his room without speaking a word. I got tired of the quiet. I knew why he wasn’t speaking I wasn’t stupid. Even then I could sense it was because Uncle Ben had hurt him even if I didn’t exactly understand how. I wanted him to talk. I missed him. Before that we would play sometimes. Go outside into the humid Florida air and play tag, ride bikes do the things normal little boys did which included trying to catch Anole that clung to the Ivy and Azaleas.

I wanted to play on the swing set and have him push me hard enough I would go high. High enough to feel like I was flying, like I could touch the sky. I knocked on his bedroom door lightly before I opened it. Finding him laying on his bed cross legged his math work book open in front of him as he looked up at me his bottom lip still between his teeth in concentration.

“Yeah?” He asked me his head not lifting up, not bothering to peer in my direction as I entered the dark blue room the mural on his wall long gone wit his increasing age. An age where it was harder to escape using just the ability of his mind which had long suffered from the strain of carrying the secret he hid from the world.

“You seem sad,” I answered.

“Not sad Will, just tired,” He answered, “I have a lot of school work.”

“I don’t think it’s school work I think it’s Da,” I said bluntly.

“Why would Da make me tired?” He asked finally looking at me,his eyes giving away his panic.

“Because he comes into bed at night,” I answered, “He makes your tummy feel funny and other things. He has to, right?”

“How do you know?” He asked putting down his pencil.

“He does it to me,” I answered.

“Why didn’t you say anything? I could have helped.” He asked me patting the space in front of him folding up his work book as I climbed up onto the bed to sit with him.

“Because you already help. I remember you helped a lot when I was little. I’m bigger now and you have your own things you’re dealing with,” I answered.

“You still should have said something,” He replied.

“He would hurt mum and do worse stuff. Stuff like Uncle Ben did to you in the living room,” I responded remembering that one night.

He flinched his complexion turning red his eyes going big with fear. He sat there quietly staring at me for the longest time like he didn’t know what to say. Like he was ashamed. After a while he sighed.

“Don’t tell mum you saw that, she doesn’t know,” He said quietly.

“Why wouldn’t you tell Mum how you got hurt?” I asked confused and curious. Not really understanding why he wouldn’t say anything especially when he was sure I should say something about Da coming to see me at night.

“Because she doesn’t know I got hurt and I’m not going to tell her until she needs to know.” He said furrowing his brow in frustration like it was something I didn’t understand that I would never understand. Like I didn’t get it was private that it would hurt her, scare her.

“So you’re yelling at me for not telling when you’re not telling? That’s stupid.” I replied.

Thinking it was unfair that he would want me to talk about the things that happened but that he wasn’t willing to. Why should I be alone in letting everyone know about it? That wasn’t fair.

“Well, I think I have to tell mum now,” He sighed heavily running his hands through his hair pushing it off his face.

“Want me to go with you? Are you going to tell her everything? Like how he ___” I started, volunteered hoping that maybe it would make him feel better, having to talk about it. Having to make mum feel bad.

“No, I’m going to tell her that he hurt me but I’m not going to tell her how bad it was. I can go on my own,” He said puffing up his chest in courage as he got up off the bed and walked out the door leaving me sitting there frowning.

I sat there not really sure what to do for a minute before I got up and went to my own bedroom. I hoped he’d make things better that him telling mum would mean I could tell mum and that she would try and get Da to stop and that it would make it so Uncle Ben never did that awful thing to me that he did to John that had made him scream and cry so loud. I remember forgetting about it for a while until mum came into my room that night to tuck me in. To tell me my bedtime story and her eyes were puffy like she had been crying, like she was beyond tired her pregnant belly hanging low and heavy as she rubbed her stomach.

“Is the baby kicking you? Did it hurt you?” I asked.

 I“No love the baby’s fine she’s sleeping want to feel?” She asked to which nodded my head shyly before she grabbed my hand and placed it on her night shirt right over the bump, “You feel that spot right there, that’s her head.”

“It’s a girl?” I asked quietly.

“Aye, a wee girl,” Mum replied smiling softly, “Your little sister. She’ll be here soon you know?”

“Yeah I know,” I said nodding my head, “If she’s not kicking you why are you crying?”

“Because I’m sad that’s all,” She answered me kissing my forehead, “Can I ask you something?”

“What mummy?” I asked confused and curious.

“Well, John said that Da hurts him does things to him that make him not feel so good and I was wondering if Da or Uncle Ben have ever touched you in a way that made you not feel ok? Made you feel bad or funny. Have either of them ever done that?” She asked me.

I was quiet for a minute. I didn’t know if John had told her or not or what he had told her if he had said anything at all. I wasn’t sure how to answer without upsetting her knowing that she was already so sad.

“I won’t be mad love I promise; I just need to know because I’m your mummy and it’s my job to keep you safe and if someone is making you feel not ok it’s my job to get them to stop doing that thing that makes you feel not ok. You understand?” She asked me softly stroking my head.

“Yeah,” I replied nodding my head, “Da comes into my room after bed sometimes. He takes off my pants and it makes my stomach feel weird and makes me feel weird down there. He doesn’t hurt me though but I don’t like it.”

“Ok,” She answered me quietly nodding her head and closing her eyes rubbing the pressure points in her temples as she tried to stay calm. Tried to make sure her emotions were under control, “Can you tell me how long he’s been doing that?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, “For a little while since after Christmas.”

“Ok,” She nodded her head again, “Ok love it’s time for bed. Try to get some sleep. I love you and I’m sorry that Da does that to you, I’ll try to have a talk with him ok?”

“Ok Mummy I love you too,” I said as she gave me a kiss goodnight and tucked me in.

Da came into my room that night the door creaking open lightly waking me up from my sleep. I rolled over hoping he would just leave me alone. As he sat down on the edge of my bed pulling my covers away. “Will Hun wake up,” He said to me shaking my leg lightly.

“But Da I’m so tired,” I moaned rolling over and rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

He always looked scarier at night. I remember thinking that. That he wasn’t my Da but someone wearing my Da’s skin because he talked to me and looked at me like my Da never would do. “Come on I have something to ask you about,” Da said shaking my knee again lightly.

“Daddy please,” I begged, “I’m so sleepy.”

“It’ll be quick I promise,” Da said, “Mum said that you talked to her about our alone time?”

“She asked me I didn’t…she already knew I know I wasn’t supposed to tell but she already knew and lying is bad you said, that, right? That I shouldn’t ever lie,” I answered suddenly wide awake heart pounding against my ribs.

“I’m not mad. What did you tell her?” he asked me.

“That you take off my pants sometimes. That you lay with me and it makes me feel funny,” I answered, “I’m sorry Da I know you said I shouldn’t tell her because she’d be mad but she said she wasn’t mad that I wasn’t in trouble that it was her job to know if someone was making me not feel ok,” I mumbled quietly.

“That doesn’t count with me. Sometimes you eat food that you don’t want to, right? Think of our alone time together like that. It’s something that you need to do to get big, to be strong. It teaches you things you need to know that girls don’t need to know. And it’s something I should teach you, that your uncle Ben should teach you. It only feels weird because you don’t understand it but trust me it’s good for you. You do trust me, don’t you?” He asked me rubbing my leg.

“Mum’s not a girl though,” I said frowning.

“Well, mum was a girl once. Boys and girls have different parts. I’m just showing you how your parts work. Girls have parts like mum has so yes, at one time believe it or not mum was just a girl at one point,” Da told me.

I remember feeling confused however I was only just around six. It didn’t really occur to me that mum had ever bene just a girl because she was my mum. I knew girls had different parts but I wasn’t sure what that had to do with making my pee place feel funny. I sighed as he pulled my legs over his lap opening his arms for a cuddle. I sighed knowing. I knew if I said no that I didn’t want to cuddle with him he would get mad. That he would hurt mum so I sighed and said up draping myself over his lap as he wrapped his arms around me as if I were an infant.

“Just know whatever I do I do it because I love you,” He said his hand snaking its way up my leg and past the waist band of my PJ bottoms rubbing my front gently making me gasp sending that gross wrong feeling through my body.

“Daddy please,” I said quietly.

“It’s ok,” He said, “I just want you to make me feel good ok? All you have to do is lay on your tummy.”

“Daddy please,” I begged again.

“No auguring just do it or else you’re going to make me very unhappy and you know what happens when I’m unhappy,” He said to me giving me that cold glare.

I nodded my head and swallowed crawling out of his lap and laying down on my stomach hugging my pillow. He rubbed the back of my head before pushing my legs together climbing on top of me. He humped me. Rubbing his hardness in between the closed space of my legs moaning making those horrible sounds. I hated the way it felt sticky down the back of my legs as he pulled away kissing down my back and then back up my neck and shoulders before moving so I could roll over onto my back. He kissed down my chest which was something he had never done before. Making my face turn red as my body arched into his kisses, “Yeah it feels good?” He asked me continuing his kisses and licks.

“Feels weird,” I answered honestly shaking my head this weird tickle spreading up my body that reminded me of the snow on a TV that had a bad signal. Starting out as a few specks of white fuzz and growing like a storm raging inside my body before his mouth went around me down there making me cry out.

“No, no honey you have to be quiet so we don’t wake anyone up all right?” He said pulling away looking at me closely, “I’m just going to show you how it works that’s all. It’s not a big deal you just need to relax,” He said licking my balls as I bit my lip to try and keep myself quiet.

I thought he was trying to eat me. The way he was licking and sucking at me like a lollipop. I hated the way it felt. Making my tummy tickle in a bad way as he did it my body feeling weird my private area feeling tight and making me cry silently as I bit back my sobs. He kept licking it and sucking until something weird happened to my head, my body getting really tight and uncomfortable before everything relaxed causing me to pant, as Da waited for me to catch my breath.

“Did that feel good?” He asked me to which I wasn’t sure how to respond because it didn’t feel good or bad really just weird and confusing, scary, “It’s ok if you’re still not sure honey. It’s not a bad thing it’s normal.”

“I don’t think it is,” I answered.

“No it is I promise would I ever lie to you?” He asked me to which I shook my head because as far as I knew he never had.

My six-year-old brain didn’t understand a lot of things. It understood that what Da did would make mum upset, make her mad at me or at least that’s what I believed. That when she got upset after hearing about it, it was because of me. It didn’t understand that he was the one that was wrong. However, it also understood that John didn’t like what was happening that John felt bad it was happening and like he should be able to stop it so then it must be bad. I remember feeling confused. Shortly after that night Catherine was born and Da quit coming into my room so much and I felt better. I didn’t understand why I felt better but I did.

We ended up moving back to London around that time. Going off to boarding school. I don’t remember much about it other than I was away from home besides on weekends and holidays free time was spend watching movies and there was two hours of required reading after meals. I think this is where I picked up the habit from. If I was reading I didn’t have to think about other things. To worry about socializing with those who I perceived to be normal where I thought of myself as not anywhere close to normal. I could ride away on dragons and float on barrels along rapidly moving rivers. I could fly on magic carpets or even with wings I had grown. All through the miracle of my imagination and the way that I could vividly picture everything going on in the book inside of my head. I read the hardy boys and fought crime and solved mysteries. I traveled to Narnia and grew up a King. I found it to be something I really enjoyed a place where those things didn’t happen. Where Da’s didn’t climb into their sons’ beds at night when they could and make their tummies upset. Make them feel funny and like something was wrong that they couldn’t really understand. Where they didn’t whisper in their ears that if mummy knew she would be mad and upset so it had a to be a special secret.

Where Da’s didn’t teach their sons they bodies weren’t something for the boy to touch but only for the Da. I knew the real world was different because of him. That the way my school friends described their families wasn’t the way my family was. For a long time, I was very confused about a lot of things. Because my Da wasn’t a bad Da when the sun was up but when it went down he turned into a bad guy. Like the outlaw the sheriff shoots in the old western movies. Something about him just changed when he climbed into bed with me rubbing up against me making me put my legs together tight and rubbing his penis in between my thighs until it got all wet and sticky and we both got up and went to clean up. And then in the morning he would act like it had never happened. Like we had never done those things.

The first time he raped me I remember being eight. He had gotten me from school that Friday afternoon, pulled me out of class. It was a special treat he had told me to celebrate because the celebration with my family would be that weekend when John and Mike and Matt came home from school for the weekend as well. I remember I had wanted to go ice skating but even though it was still a bit nippy in the air it had been too warm so he had taken me to the movies instead and then out to dinner someplace quiet. I don’t remember the restaurant but I remember eating traditional fish and chips.

After that I had expected to go home because he had told me I would be going home for the weekend but instead we ended up at a hotel. I remember feeling confused and curious as to what was happening, why we weren’t going home to mum and the babies but not being upset. “Da what are we doing?” I asked curious.

I remember looking up at him as he held my hand when we got into the lift and it sleek metal doors slid shut in front of us. I remember feeling so small my hand in his as he held it firmly looking down at me smiling. Something feeling wrong but not sure what it was. Not really sure if it was dangerous or how I should feel.

“Well, you’re not supposed to be home until tomorrow and I’m sure you want some peace and quiet at least a little of it so we’re going to stay here for the night just you and me all right?” He told me quietly smiling happily at me.

“What about the babies and mum?” I asked.

“They’ll be fine for one night. This is special just me and you ok?” He asked me.

“Ok but, I thought we were going home,” I said.

“Home tomorrow morning all, right? I have a surprise for you that you can’t share with anyone else. They might jealous if they knew so I’m going to give that present to you here ok?” He told me.

“Oh, ok. What is it?” I asked.

“How about we get settled in get you in the bath first and then we’ll watch some movies ok?” He said to me.

“Ok…” I said feeling uneasy as the lift opened and we walked to the room door.

When it opened, the room seemed huge. Everything was white besides the red comforter on the bed. He went into the bathroom and drew a bath. The bathtub being a round white jet tub and he helped me out of my clothes and put me into it. I don’t remember anything weird happening during the bath but his hands lingering in places that they shouldn't have.

“Da that tickles,” I said pulling away as his hand manipulated me the soap and water making it slippery smelling of lavender and something else his blue eyes watching me closely.

“Sorry honey,” he said, “I think your clean let’s get out.” He held a towel out to me and picked me up in it throwing me down on the bed softly making me laugh before he started drying me.

I remember his eyes not looking at my eyes but looking everywhere else. Making me feel really naked. Really exposed.

“Da is something wrong?” I asked confused.

“No, no, nothing’s wrong. Nothing at all,” He said still not looking at my face.

“Where’s my present?” I asked him which caused him to finally look at me smiling.

“You want it?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I said.

I was eight of course I wanted a present. I thought it would be something exciting that no one else had like a remote-control car or a new bike to ride up and down the drive way. Something exciting that would make John and Mike and Matt jealous I didn’t expect what he gave me.

“Ok, close your eyes and keep them closed until I say you can open them,” He said to me.

I closed my eyes and held out my hand waiting for him to say something as I heard him move around the room. Waiting the feel the weight of something in my hand but that didn’t come. I started to get impatient when I finally felt his weight join me back on the bed his hands going to the sides of my face as he kissed me forcing his tongue past my lips making me whine in surprise. He tasted like some type of alcohol whatever beverage he had drank with supper as I turned my head and opened my eyes trying to get his lips away from mine.

“What?” He asked when he finally broke our kiss, “There’s nothing to be scared about honey it’s ok.”

“I-I don’t like this,” I said getting up trying to take the towel with me to wrap it around myself.

“Come here,” He said when I looked at him realizing he was naked too.

“Da I want to go home,” I said quietly shifting my weight nervously from leg to leg fidgeting.

I remember starting to feel scared then. Knowing something was different this time. That something wasn’t supposed to be happening that was.

“What’s wrong?” He asked me frowning in what felt like mock worry.

“I don’t want to do this,” I said, “Can we just go home please?”

“This is what big boys do with their Da’s though, you’re a big boy right?” He asked me, “John does it with me all the time. You can ask him if you like when we see him tomorrow.”

“He does?” I asked confused.

If John did it was it really that bad? But if it wasn’t bad why didn’t it feel right? I didn’t like it when he touched me like that. When he put his mouth down there. I remember feeling my face flush with confusion. I wasn’t sure how to explain to him what I felt but I felt like this wasn’t right like we shouldn’t do this and I didn’t know how to explain it exactly.

“Come here,” He said again hopefully patting the bed beside him.

“Are you going to put your mouth there and make me feel funny?” I asked timidly.

“No, let’s talk about it ok?” He said.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head and walking up to the bed and sitting down on it.

“Good, now when someone loves someone else very much sometimes they show it by hugging and kissing them. And other times they show them by becoming a part of them just for a little while. Sort of like how when you really really love a lollypop or an ice cream cone you put it in your mouth. Well, sometimes people when they really really love someone let the other person in their body like that only backwards. Do you really really love me?” My Da asked me grabbing something from under the pillow that I couldn’t see.

“I don’t know,” I answered confused and scared.

“Well, I’m your Da right? So, do you think you really really love me?” He asked me.

I thought about it for a minute. Did I love my Da? Yeah during the day, he was great. He took us to rugby games and football games and the cinema. He made sure we went to the park and the zoo on our weekends at home. He listened to what we had to say and helped us with our school work when he had time to. He was a good Da during the day and this was still day time, right? So, this was ok.

“Yeah, I love you,” I answered.

“Good,” He said, “That’s good. Lay on the bed on your tummy ok honey?” He said to me.

“Da I’m not sure I…” he cut me off.

“You just said you really loved me, if you really love me you’ll do what I ask you to right?” He coaxed me.

“Right,” I said nodding my head and laying down on my stomach putting my legs together figuring it would like all the other times before. He started by messaging my shoulders and working his way down my back his hands feeling hot and wet, slimy. I didn’t like it. I remember thinking that it was weird how he was squeezing me in all the different places how his thumbs and finger tips kept pressing into my back until I felt something wet touch the base of my neck as he licked me there quickly moving his tongue down my spine.

“Da!” I squealed the feeling making me panic a little on the inside.

He grabbed my arms by the wrist pinning them down on the sides of my head as his tongue moved down my spine and into the cleft of my butt. I remember wondering what he was doing. Why he was doing that. That tongues didn’t go there. That things shouldn’t go there. I remember telling him that. Telling him it felt weird and to stop as I felt his tongue circling my pucker.

“DA please that’s weird,” I said shaking my head.

“Shhh, it’s ok you really love me, right?” He asked me, “I just want to be inside you a little bit that’s all. I promise it will be ok.” His weight shifted his kissed on the base of my neck again. Dotting lightly across my shoulders to the right and then to the left and then back again until I felt something slide inside of me causing me to cry out the pressure scaring and confusing me.

“This don’t go in there,” I whined at him letting him know how I felt. That I wasn’t ok with that.

“Baby I have to stretch you out a little bit so it hurts less ok? I just want to be a part of you for a couple of minutes that it. It’s because I just love you so much just try to relax ok?” He breathed into my skin sending goose bumps into my flesh.

“Da it hurts,” I told him.

“No, no baby I know it feels weird but it’s ok, it’s going to be ok,” He told me adding another finger that made me cry out tears starting to fall down my face.

I remember at that point whimpering knowing that it didn’t matter what I said that he was going to do it anyway just like he did when he put his mouth down there. That I should just try and be quiet so that he didn’t get mad so that no one heard me.

Eventually his weight shifted and white hot pain bursts through me shooting up my tail bone into my spine like lightening. “STOP!” I screamed not able to control it.

“Shhh, it’s just me you’re ok. Just give it a minute and it won’t hurt so bad I promise.”

“Daddy it really hurts please,” I begged the pain too intense for me to even move.

I remember barely being able to speak the pain stealing all my air making breathing hard. The pain lessened and he pulled out slowly. I thought he was done almost sighing with relief until he pushed back inside again causing me to cry out again. “That’s it honey let me show you how much I love you,” He moaned into my back as he found the rhythm he wanted.

As he found something that felt good to him as I started bleeding, my insides feeling like they were on fire or getting a rug burn that wouldn’t go away anytime soon. After a while I think I managed to black out. Because next thing I remember I was back in the tub me sitting in his lap as he cuddled me. I wasn’t crying but I felt beyond sore. My whole body hurting the water stinging slightly against the skin of my butt and asshole his fingers making me flinch when they touched me. I fell asleep shortly after he got us back in the bed pulling the white sheets and red comforter up over us.

I probably feel asleep that night out of pure exhaustion. I have never felt pain like that before. Not ever. When we woke up he ordered breakfast in bed for us citing my need to have a soft surface to sit on before we headed towards home. He acted like nothing had happened while we ate me staring at him trying to figure out what had happened what was going on.

“What?” He asked me noticing the way I was looking at him as I tried to wrap my brain around last night. Around him putting his penis inside of me, him hurting me. If he loved me why would he want to hurt me?

“That hurt,” I told him.

“It’ll hurt less next time I promise,” He told me eating a strip of bacon.

“You’re going to make me do it again?” I asked.

“I told you you’re a big boy now that’s how big boys show their love. And you said you love me so yeah we’re going to do it again sometime. It might not be soon but at some point,” He said looking at me and stretching as he finished up his pancakes putting the plate back on the tray and setting it in front of him so he could get up off the bed.

“What was that?” I asked him.

“Sex,” Da answered, “I’m going to shower if you could join it would be a good idea because I’m pretty sure if you’re anywhere as sensitive as your brother you have a little bit of blood dried up in there. So, I’ll have to look.”

“No,” I said shaking my head.

“Honey I’m not going to do it again right now. You need to rest a persons’ first time is always a little hard ok? I’m aware it hurt and I’m sorry but it’ll be better next time. Next time you might even like it,” He told me.

“I won’t ever like that,” I swore to him.

“Ok,” He answered simply, “Let’s go shower and head home ok?”

I sighed standing up realizing how weird my feet felt under me as pain shot up my spine nearly knocking me off my feet. It felt weird. Full and sticky and like someone had hit me in the eye only it was my ass instead, each step feeling unsure and wobbly.

“Woah, I’ve got you you’re ok,” Da said grabbing me as I stumbled a little.

“Da I’m fine, it’s fine,” I lied.

“Will sweetie, I know this can hurt ok? I remember. Just take it easy on yourself,” He told me as we made it into the bathroom and he turned on the water the shower heads hissing to life the water pouring down as he adjusted the temperature before he pulled me under the streams into the middle of the shower. I remember thinking how nice that shower would be if I wasn’t so tired and in so much pain before Da pressed me against the wall using his body causing my heart to start pounding as I tried to breathe reminding myself that I should breathe slow like my roommate taught me whenever I had panic attacks in the middle of the night in the dorms.

“You said you wouldn’t,” I pleaded in a tiny voice.

“I’m not spread your legs,” He said which I submitted to knowing better than to disobey, “A little farther. There you go.”

I felt his body move away as I turned my head to the side so my nose wasn’t pressed against the cold tile and I felt his hands moving up the back of my knees as he probably got down on his. They slowly traveled up the back of my thighs feeling my skin gently as he moved slowly until his fingers got to my butt spreading my cheeks open making me want to sob.

“It actually doesn’t look too bad,” He told me, “That’s good it’s a little sore. Looks like you were bleeding but it doesn’t look like you are now. You should be ok in a day or two. Until then I can give you something to help you poop so it doesn’t hurt as bad ok?”

“Ok,” I said as he stood up and handed me a wash cloth so I could wash myself off as he grabbed another one, doing the same.

We bathed in silence him basically ignoring me like I was nothing as we finished bathing and I climbed out of the shower by myself and pulled my clothes back on. He smuggled a pillow out of the room for me to sit on for the ride home where everyone else was going to be waiting.

“We’re not going to tell mum about this right? Or John?” Da asked me after a few minutes of silence driving towards home.

The streets buzzing with down town London traffic as we got closer to the townhouse that we called home. The place where I now shared a room on the weekend with the twins but John had his own room for now. While the Nursery holding two tiny tots one with bright blond hair and other, my first little sister with her ginger hair that matched our brothers. The one thing I loved about coming home was seeing them. Holding them and playing with them. Doing something that made me feel like I mattered, like someone wanted me. Mum was always busy with the twins and always tired and John was always trying to be by himself not wanting to do anything with anyone while the twins preferred to spent their time alone together if they weren’t with mum and Da was working.

If I wasn’t reading by myself I was reading to Cat because while she whined a lot she seemed interested whenever I read aloud cocking her chubby little head in my direction like she was listening intently and James asked me questions. They were important to me. They wanted me but didn’t always seek me out more often going to mum or John. However, I enjoyed spending time with them, their gait still unsteady most of their walking a toddle of a run as they jumped up and down with excitement at everything the world had to show. I loved their enthusiasm for life. How everything was so important to them their eyes wide with wonder at everything no matter how many times they had seen it.

“No,” I said shaking my head.

“Good because John would be jealous you know? To know he’s not the only big boy in the house now,” Da said.

I nodded my head quietly and thought how funny that was. John wouldn’t be jealous and that wasn’t true I had been a big boy for a long time. I thought Da was silly probably spending too much time with the babies who didn’t really understand anything when I understood plenty that what he had done wasn’t right and not just because it had hurt. When we got home I went straight upstairs ignoring mum completely and going to the nursery, hugging Catherine and James tightly, “Hey guys.” I said quietly, “How was your week?”

“I played car,” James answered me.

“You played car?” I asked.

“With Daddy,” James said.

“Yeah was it fun?” I asked him.

“Yeah he put me on his back and I gots to drived him around the house and go zoom zoom,” He told me.

“Oh, that does sound fun,” I said as John came into the room.

“Are you ok?” He asked me.

“Yeah fine why?” I asked.

“Just you looked really worried when you came in and you didn’t say hi to me or mum. Are you sure you’re ok?” He asked me again.

I felt myself swallow the lump in my throat that kept growing bigger, “Yeah.”

“Mum got you a cake. She hired that cook they’re making your favorite chicken cacciatore,” John told me.

I sighed focusing on that. It had been a long time since I had been able to eat that and I loved it. The smoky and garlic flavors that danced together to make the tomatoes sing as they went to your taste buds, the tough bread that was prefect for dipping into the sauce that was simply the prefect balance of rustic and fresh.

“I think I’m going to read for a while,” I sighed kissing James on the head and getting up.

I still felt tired from earlier and I need an escape. One that would take me far away to a distant place where I could fly, I could dance. I went to my room to look through my bookshelf. All the books whispering my name like old friends who knew I needed comfort no one else could give me. Who knew I need to look inside of them and find something I was missing. Bravery.

I sighed as my eyes settled on the cover the boy holding his lantern aloft in the night. The trees open above him as he trampled the leaf’s underfoot in the forest and the dogs in front of him only a couple of steps, big and proud their long ears and red coats eyes alert. I pulled open the book and started reading. Thinking about how much I wished I had those dogs to protect me like they protected Billy. How they would rip the throat out of anyone or anything that ever tried to hurt me. How badly I needed those dogs. Eventually mum called everyone down for dinner and sure enough it was what John had announced it would be. I ate until I was full my belly bloated with joy and warmth as mum laughed at me and Da smiled.

“You won’t have any room for cake now,” Da laughed.

“I’m not sure I want any,” I said, “I think I know what I want for my birthday present.”

“Yeah what’s that?”

"A dog."

Da laughed and mum gave him this look before standing behind him rubbing his shoulders, “Well it’s not really a birthday present for you pre-say it’s not a dog but you are going to be getting something nine months for now…” Mum said slyly.

“You’re having another baby?” I asked her blinking.

“Mum why?” John sighed.

“Well your Da and I want a big family don’t you think it’d be nice to have another baby around?” She asked us.

“Mum,” John said, “You have two babies right now isn’t that enough?”

“They are hardly babies anymore John Catty is going to be using full sentences any day now,” Mum pointed out.

“That doesn’t mean she’s not a baby mum,” I said, “So I can’t have a dog because I’m getting a little brother or sister?”

“Probably,” Da answered.

“I don’t want another brother or sister. I have four brothers and one sister isn’t that enough?” I asked.

“Well it’s not up to you we’re having as many as we want,” Da answered.

“Please just a puppy that’s all Da that’s all I want for my birthday,” I asked again.

He furrowed his brow in anger looking at me closely. The look on his face communicating that he was displeased I had bothered to question his decision, to ask again. I sighed relenting in my request. I knew it would never happen because it wasn’t something he wanted. If he didn’t want it, it didn’t happen.

“It’ll be fine you’ll love having another baby or maybe two,” Da hinted.

“Two? Another set of twins?” I asked looking over at Mike and Matt. They were weird at that age. Always whispering amongst themselves even in the dorms at school when I had a chance to visit their hall where they kept the younger kids. Always in a some made up language that didn’t make any sense to anyone. They rarely spent any time apart. I didn’t want to watch that happen again, two kids that were stuck in their own world no matter how hard people tried to pull them out of it.

“It looks like it but it’s still a bit early love,” Mum answered, “Don’t worry about it though we’ll see.”

“Ok so what do you want to do for your birthday? Movies the park anything like that or are you happy with the dinner and the cake and ice cream?” Da asked.

“This is good I’m happy with this,” I answered, “Can you give me a book, the giver?”

“Sure if that’s what you want love,” Mum said.

“Thanks,” I said sighing looking around the table. My eyes fell on Da again his dark brown hair and blue eyes. I had to close my eyes after a moment remembering last night how he had forced me to do those things with him. How he had hurt me. And then I opened them again following his line of site that look on his face. He was looking at John. Always John. I didn’t know how mum couldn’t see it. Couldn’t see the way he was looking at him. The way Da looked at me like that sometimes too. How could she not see it? Not at all? It was so confusing.

Mum cleared her throat causing Da’s gaze to shift from John to her, “I think it’s time for cake for the birthday boy don’t you Connor?”

“Huh yeah of course,” Da agreed as I looked over at John who was shifting uneasily in his seat.

So, Da hadn’t lied. He had never stopped doing it to John. I shared a room with him I didn’t remember him ever doing it. So, it either did it somewhere else or late at night when he was done with me, after I had fallen asleep. Maybe he took John to a hotel like he had done with me. But that didn’t seem likely either. I sighed heavily getting stuck in my head for a moment in the mystery of how mum didn’t know.

“I don’t know I’m really tired. I kind of just want to go to sleep. It’s kind of late,” I said quietly.

“You sure love? It’s your birthday?” She questioned me, “And it’s not that late it’s only seven.”

“Well mum seven is down time in the dorms. A lot of kids do just lay down by then instead of spending time in the common room,” John pointed out.

“If you’re sure,” She said looking at me a frown of worry on her face.

“Yeah I’m sure mum, I’m just tired,” I insisted.

“Ok love give me hug,” She said and I walked over to her hugging her and allowing her to embrace me. She smelled like home. Like Lilacs and mangos like something comfortable and sweet. Something that was home.

“I love you mum,” I said wishing I could tell her but knowing I couldn’t. Knowing I couldn’t tell anyone that I wasn’t allowed to.

“I love you too, goodnight,” She said.

“Night,” I said turning away and climbing the stairs to go up to my room.

I really was tired and I was still sore. And I didn’t understand it. Not really I understood it about as much as I had understood any of the other things. All I knew was that I shouldn’t say anything to anyone. That no one should know about it. As I was pulling my shirt off John came into the bedroom.

“What’s…?” He trailed off looking at me, my back turned to him.

“What?” I asked him.

“There’s a weird mark on your back right…” I could feel him reach forward to touch the mark.

“Don’t touch me,” I said pulling my night shirt down over my head.

“Ok, sorry,” John said looking at me, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, just tired,” I said climbing into bed, “Are you coming to bed too or did you just come in here to check on me?”

“No I’m going to bed, it’s easier,” John said to me.

“What is?” I asked confused.

“Sleeping at home than in the dorms,” John said.

I knew that was a lie. That was an obvious lie knowing John. Knowing what I knew about him but it was something we had tried to leave behind in States. The things Da had made John do. The things Da had done to him. I could tell he still didn’t trust Da and until he had told me the night before I thought it was something he had stopped doing.

“Oh right,” I answered nodding my head.

John didn’t like to talk about that. I could understand why especially if it hurt as bad as it did the night before. I didn’t understand how John could be ok at all with the things that Da did to him. The way Da looked at him. Especially if he kissed him like he had kissed me the night before. I thought it felt gross. Grosser then lime Jell-O.

I did end up falling to sleep easily that night. Even though my Da had raped me the night before but he hadn’t done it my own room at home. He had done it someplace I didn’t know. I think that helped me feel safer. That and John in the bed on the other side of the room where he was sleeping soundly. I don’t remember much else about that weekend other than the ache along my tail bone faded slowly and by the time we got back to the dorms I was beyond grateful. Having to sit at every meal with Da had felt like trying to swallow a brick. Watching him eye John like he did and finally understanding why that it was because he did those things with him all the time. He didn’t do it again. Not while we were in London that I can ever recall.

He did sneak into my bed one night about six months later and woke me up out of a dead sleep. I remember being so tired. “Da?” I asked sleepily my brain so tired I couldn’t even rub the sleep out of my eyes.

“Shh, it’s ok beautiful,” He said quietly kissing my neck his hands grabbing at me over the thin fabric of my shirt.

“Da, what are you doing?” I asked him rolling my head to the side trying to get him to stop get his head away from neck.

“It’s ok,” he said putting his hand down my pants immediately waking me up because while he did touch me this seemed different his touch not messing around not rubbing my thighs or legs but going straight into my underwear starting to rub my penis causing my heart rate to increase.

“Da what are you doing?” I asked him again quietly urgently wanting him to stop.

“I’m just going to make you feel good just lay down ok? Close your eyes,” He whispered into my neck moving us so I was laying flat on my back as he pulled my pants down pushing the covers to the foot of the bed. I didn’t want to do what I was told. I wanted to grab my superman sheets and wrap them tight around me to get his hands off me, but I knew I couldn’t that he would be mad at me and I knew he liked John better anyway. That he might go to John instead and John was tired. He was always tired. John didn’t do anything at home besides chase babies around and eat and sleep. John was almost like a second mum and so he was tired all the time just like mum was.

“I’m cold Da,” I mumbled my mouth feeling weird and used from his kisses from his tongue being in my mouth.

“I’ll warm you up don’t worry,” He said sliding his hands under my shirt onto my skin up my ribs his tongue following his hands covering the touch of his hands with the wetness of his tongue making my eyes go wide and my breath hitch my little body confused by what was happening my mind racing. I didn’t know why he was doing it. Why he wanted to make me feel bad. Because while he thought it felt good and to an adult it does to a kid it’s confusing. You don’t even at eight years old understand why your body is feeling that way. Why someone touching you like that makes you feel that way. Makes your heart feel funny and your brain speed up and slow down all at once. Makes that tickle spread across your skin like a ran or the water falling from a shower head that you find completely and utterly overwhelming. So, it doesn’t feel good it feels weird it makes you unsure it scares you. And I remember being absolutely terrified every time he touched me like that this time even worse because he was using his mouth a lot more than he usually did.

“D…” I barely managed to get out before he slammed his hand over my mouth as he sucked one of my nipples between his teeth making my body seize up under his.

I had been too loud, been too demanding in my protest my body freaking out as it felt things beyond my control beyond my eight-year-old understanding. Goose bumps spreading up and down my body as the tingling kept growing. The tickle intensifying as it filled every cell of my body like someone flooding me with water.

“Have to be quieter ok? Just don’t talk just close your eyes and relax ok?” He said his kissing continuing down my chest closer to that spot between my legs.

That spot where he was going to touch me, rub me, make my nerve ending explode with stimulation. I nodded my head closing my eyes trying to keep myself calm. He didn’t go down on me often but when he did I hated the way it made me feel like he was trying to suck something inside of me out, like he was trying to draw my soul from my body and leave me empty, soulless. When I felt, his mouth go around me I wheezed heavily my whole body tensing under his lips and tongue trying not to give him what he wanted and failing. I knew he could tell it felt good because he wasn’t stupid. He was smart. I might have hated him but I could never claim he was stupid not for a second.

I fought myself to be quiet the feelings flooding my body like a water balloon that was so full it was about to burst. My shoulders relaxing and re-tensing as my body couldn’t decide which way to best fight the sensations flooding it, whether to fight against it or relax into it and just it happen as I panted the tears streaming down my face past my closed eyelids the salt hitting my lips periodically. Suddenly my whole body went ridged the balloon becoming too full bursting under the pressure of too much water too much sensation until my whole body started shuddering and I wasn’t able to catch my breath.

He then stopped pulling away wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “You’re so good at that, one day I’ll actually get something out I think. I can’t wait for that. I really can’t wait until I make you cum,” He said as I panted my chest still heaving as my body started to relax, “Thank you honey I really enjoyed that.”

When I could close my mouth, I opened my eyes and nodded my head not looking at him hugging myself as he got up pulling the blankets up around me. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t have anything to say to him my body still buzzing. There are a lot of things I don’t remember mattering after that. The way things moved through life. The way I felt about things. I remember feeling more and more like a spectator, someone that watches and waits for things to change. I remember feeling that way until I realized things were actually changing. How Da just kept getting more and more aggressive coming to my bed more nights than not even if he didn’t rape me. Even if he didn’t put his mouth down there. Until suddenly he didn’t anymore. He quit coming. I wasn’t sure what was going on but, I knew things were changing.

Then one weekend on break from school we found out. It had been over two years and I was ten. We were all sitting down to dinner, all of us together mum now heavily pregnant with more babies the other two having come sometime in the November after she had told us and another one around nine months after that. After I had asked for a puppy.

“When you boys go on break in August we’re going to be going back to the states,” Da said looking at all of us while mum rubbed her belly sitting down in her chair facing the highchair of Andy, his Brown head and green eyes turning to stare at Da almost like he understood what he was saying.

“Where to the states?” John asked his complexion turning pale, almost ashen.

“The house is almost complete so Florida and when we get back you’ll be registering for school in the US you guys might find it difficult but I have a job opportunity that will benefit all of us so I think it’s time we move back. Mum is going to take Cat, and the babies off the Paris to visit with your grandma for a while and then she’ll be coming to the states too,” He said.

“August is in like two weeks,” I told him.

“I know,” He said to me, “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it. I’m telling you now so you guys can say goodbye to your friends, get everything squared away.”

“But I don’t want to go Da,” John said quietly, “We’re in boarding school can’t you just turn us into full boarders?”

“No, mum and I think it’s time for us to be a proper family again because things are running better, smoother and you guys have more little brothers and sisters that look up to you. I’m sure they would like to see you around more so we’re all going. I know it feels sudden and I’m sorry about that I really am but, it’s for the best,” Da said to us.

We finished the rest of our meal in silence making sure our school work was done for when we headed back to school in the morning. We both went to our room early that night and I heard John sighing heavily as I read my book quietly in bed.

“Are you ok?” I asked without glancing up.

I could feel the anxiety radiating off him in waves. Waves there were impossible to ignore. I knew he was nervous and I could understand why he might be. All the things Da had done to him when we lived in that house last time. All the things I had seen.

“I’m not sure I want to go back to Florida and I wish I didn’t have to,” John said.

“Because of what happened?” I asked quietly putting my book down.

“Yeah. I got a letter you know?” John answered.

“No, from who?” I asked him curious.

“Uncle Ben,” John barely whispered, “He wants to see me.”

“See you as in…?” He cut me off.

“Yeah I think so,” John answered briskly.

“Are you going to be ok?” I asked.

“I have to be,” John told me, “I mean we’re not getting a choice. I mean at least if I behave everyone else will probably be ok.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” I answered, “I can understand why you’d be hopeful that’s the case though but, you have to take care of yourself. You can’t help us if you don’t take care of yourself John.”

“Well Da’s like different now, not as bad. So, that means I just have to worry about Uncle Ben really. I can handle him I did before,” John answered.

He was wrong but I didn’t have the heart to tell him. That Da hadn’t really changed all that much. That Da was still a horrible person who did horrible things he just didn’t rape everyone all the time but that was only because mum was there. Mum was there to stop him or watch him because this house wasn’t like the one in Florida, it was a small house with only two floors and four bedrooms unlike the seven bedrooms and three floors that we had in the house in Florida.

“He hurt you really bad before,” I mentioned.

“I know but it’ll hurt less this time. And I won’t fight as much so…,” John said quietly, “It’s smarter not to fight.”

“Just remember that just because you aren’t fighting doesn’t mean you want it to happen,” I said.

The air filled with a thick silence. I was saying that to remind myself as much as him. Because there were nights many nights where I didn’t fight where I just let it happen because I didn’t want to wake him up. Because I didn’t want anyone to wake up, to know what Da did to me. It was easier to deal with it alone so Mum didn’t worry so John didn’t worry or intervene by putting himself in the middle.

“I know it’s just easy to forget that sometimes,” John said quietly.

“You can’t want it, I mean,” I sighed, “When he did it to me I didn’t want it.”

“What when?” John asked me sitting up his body going rigid with fear and anguish.

“When we found out mum was having Andy and Laura. He took me out of school early for my birthday. Took me to the cinema and then to a hotel. It hurt. A lot. I didn’t expect it to hurt as bad as it did.”

“Why didn’t you say anything then?” He asked me.

“Because he was supposed to be getting better. After that though it’s not like he…it’s not like it’s all the time it was just that once,” I lied, “I mean you would probably know if it was more. We share a room,” I lied some more.

I didn’t lie to protect my Da but to protect John. Because John would have felt guilty for not waking up, for not stopping Da from doing those things to me. For being so close and yet not being able to do anything. He always felt like he should have been able to stop it from happening. To stop Da from hurting us. All of us. I didn’t want him to know that it had happened right beside him and he didn’t realize it.

“If it was more than just the one time you would tell me, right? I mean you have questions about it I’m sure,” He answered.

“Not really. After he did it you know how I got in school detention for like a month and I told you it was for fighting? I lied. I snuck out of hails berry hall in the middle of the night and went into the upper school section in the library and looked at a bunch of stuff using my flashlight. Miss Bobs caught me because I accidentally dropped one. I think they would have been meaner if they hadn’t all been text books,” I said.

“Looked up what stuff?” John asked.

“Like sex stuff. Stuff about how it all works. How you know girls have vaginas and when a man gets hard they can put their penis in there you know? It only makes sense that if you don’t have a vagina they might…put it in your butt so…I kind of just did some deductions and got my answers that way but a butt isn’t made for that so it hurts more. Apparently, a vagina is like wet inside where a butt isn’t. And the muscles of a butt are meant to push things out so they don’t let things in that well. Butt’s aren’t made for sex so it hurts,” I answered.

“Did you look up anything else?” He asked me.

“Yeah like when I’m going to…change like down there,” I answered, “Book said anywhere between 10 and 13 is pretty normal. You know when you start ejaculating. When the….” Joh cut me off.

“I know what seamen is I took sex ED last year remember?” He asked me.

“Right,” I nodded my head.

“You’d be taking it in September if we weren’t leaving,” John told me.

“Would it give you as much information as I know?” I asked.

  “Pretty much it goes over condoms too,” John said. 

“What are those?” I asked. You must remember I was nine or ten at this point. The books I had read didn’t have any information about contraception at all. Or safe sex only regular heterosexual reproductive sex and the rest I had managed to deduce on my own.

  “Condoms? They’re like rubber gloves for your penis so when you ejaculate it doesn’t go all over inside the person you’re doing it with,” John told me, “None of that stuff was in the books you found?”

“No,” I shook my head, “Does Da…?”

“Nope,” John said so I didn’t have to finish the question that he knew I was asking.

I asking if a condom was something Da had used with him because Da hadn’t used one with me, “Did the books say anything about oral sex?” He asked me.

“Not really. I mean I know what oral means so I’m assuming it’s someone’s reproductive organs in someone else’s mouth,” I said to him.

“Yeah,” John said quietly and then fell silent.

“He does it to keep us quiet you know?” I said and heard his weight shift causing me to look over at him.

He was pale his hands shaking as he raked them through his hair. That was something that was hard for him to talk about. All of it was hard for John to talk about because he had suffered so much more than I had. It scared him just like it scared me. The lack of control it gave you. That feeling of complete chaos running under your skin.

“You think so?” He asked me.

“Well yeah I mean think about it. It doesn’t really hurt and it feels kind of weird so…what’s the best way to keep someone quiet? If they don’t understand something if it scares them. Which people are always afraid of things they don’t understand,” I said.

John just nodded his head, not saying anything verbally. Maybe even not able to. I sighed afraid my question would upset him but needing to know. “John?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah?” He asked back just as quiet.

“Does he…did he when you were my age say that he was going to?” I exhaled loudly trying to calm the thumping of my heart against my rib cage.

“Did he what?” John asked me finally looking at me realizing how upset I was. How hard it was for me to get out, “Hey, hey it’s ok. You’re ok whatever you need to ask I won’t be upset I promise. I’ll try and answer ok?”

“Did he say he was trying to make you. Make you cum? Because he wanted your first time to be with him?” I finally managed to get out wiping at my eyes hard to hide the tears of shame.

“Yeah,” John answered without hesitation.

I nodded my head quickly. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. Think about how my Da wanted the first time I ejaculated to be while he was making me have sex with him. Making me lay there while he wrapped his hands or his mouth around me where it shouldn’t be. It made me feel gross just thinking about it.

John sighed heavily, “I’m tired could we not talk about it anymore?” He asked me.

“Yeah, I’m tired too,” I agreed, “I think it’s time to go to bed.”

“Yeah,” John said nodding his head getting ready to stand up.

“John?” I asked grabbing his hand making him flinch lightly because of surprise.

“Yeah?” He asked me.

“Can I stay in your bed; you stay in mine with me? Just for tonight?” I asked him.

“Sure,” He said, “I have to turn off my lamp though so hold on just a second." He walked over to his side of the room turning off the lamp as I made myself as small as possible scooting over to the right side of the bed so he could climb in and turn off the light. I needed him. Need to know he was there. That if Da came he was right there so Da wouldn’t touch me. Wouldn’t make me feel those horrible things.

“Thanks,” I said quietly.

“Mhm,” He grunted turning off the lamp and climbing into bed next to me, “Night Will.”

“Night,” I answered rolling over so we were back to back.

I remember feeling his breathing against my back. Listening to it as he curled himself into the fetal position behind me trying to protect himself against the memories against the assaults and the threats. Against all of it. I remember feeling horrible for him knowing that no matter how badly he felt how much pain he was in he would put himself in that pain again. Face it again and again to keep any of us from having to. To keep us as safe as he could if we were going back to that place. I remember falling asleep to the sound of his breathing. The feel of his body head and his straight back pressed against mine. Giving me the only comfort he knew how, the only comfort we were both comfortable with. 


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John confronts Will about his lack of honesty with Mum when it comes to the way Da behaves Will believing nothing he says or does can change the outcome of going to Flordia. When they get there he regrets his decision to not speak up as he faces a new threat he didn't realize was going to be a problem. John disappears and Will witnesses something horrible making a split second decision that makes him question everything as he experiences something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said a work in progress. These chapters are more chapter like then John's POV because most of John's POV of part one is written already where I'm actually actively working on Will's. So shorter chapter then John but still pretty important please mind the tags again you if you don't read the tags please don't read the chapter it's important that you understand where this kid is coming from since he's at that cusps in his life where things about him are changing and his life in general is facing pretty big changes. So you think some of the stuff John talks about is weird and the things he thinks you should hear Will. Anyway **warnings:** anti-social behaviors, rape/non-con, Father/child incest, predatory behaviors, pedophilia, first ejaculation, witnessing a rape of his really underage brother, very descriptive, lying, denial and not the river, self-esteem issues, self blame, self sacrifice, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, forced oral sex, forced anal sex. Leave a comment on how I can improve my writing or to tell me how horrible it is how it's a train wreck you just can't look away from (I'm from Michigan we do this with car accidents too that's why our traffic is so horrible).

Da left the next morning for the states to make sure everything was in order as mum called the school to let them know that the coming week would be our last week in the dorms before we were pulled out of school all together to move back to America.  
I remember not really being upset about going because I was leaving my “friends” because the truth was I didn’t have any friends, I had roommates and acquaintances but I didn’t have friends. I didn’t let anyone get close enough to me to be a friend. How do you have friends when you can’t tell anyone what your life is really like?

  
“So you’re leaving?” Sam asked me at the end of the day after supper as we both made it back to our room.

  
“Yeah, going to America,” I answered simply pulling what was left of my coursework out.

  
“You’re always so quiet, I’m going to miss it,” Sam told me.

  
“Thanks,” I answered, “You never minded I was quiet?”

  
“No I like quiet. That and you have mad computer skills. Like I’ve never seen anyone take to those things so fast. Half the time I don’t know what I’m doing,” Sam said, “You have any advice?”

  
“Depends on what you mean? They have books and what not you could read to help you out. With programing. If you’re talking other stuff honestly the best way to figure that out is to watch someone, listening to someone talk and then you’ll find away in.”  
“What do you mean?” Sam said smiling at me and shook my head, “You mean like breaking into emails and what not?”

  
“Well,” I sighed heavily, “Yes.”

  
“examples?” He asked me smiling.

  
“Example? Say you wanted to read Mr. Haskins email for whatever reason I mean he’s a math teacher his life can’t be that interesting. Usually people use passcodes related to their life like a favorite color and probably an important day. His favorite color is blue or you could think it was because he has a lot of blue in his classroom. And then his birthday is like say for example June 3rd 1963 so his passcode could be something like blue1963 or blue0603 or something like that. It’s simple really,” I answered.

  
“Is that really his password?” Sam asked me smiling.

  
“Usually people go more complex at least smart people. My Da I know his password,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“What is it?” He asked me.

  
I sighed thinking it in my head, _jb11286._ “I’m not telling you.”

  
“Oh come on what does your Da do anyway?” He asked me.

  
“He’s a financial analyst,” I answered, “He’s worked at a couple different corporations like Exxon and so on.”

  
“Wow, that’s a pretty penny,” Sam commented.

  
I snorted. He had no idea. By this point I had already considered my Da’s yearly income and added it to inheritance. It was a lot of money was basically what I ended up finding out. And I had found out some other things about my Da as well. That someone was offering him a job for a lot of money if Da joined a cult. I didn’t know what type of cult it was at the time but it was someone he had befriended from class. Whatever class was.

  
“That little or that much?” Sam asked me.

  
“Why do you care? And it’s not like it’s my money anyway,” I answered.

  
“Not yet, will be one day when he kicks it,” Sam answered.

  
“I have 8 brothers and sisters and two more on the way you really think I’ll get that much of whatever he has?” I asked Sam.

  
“I thought you only had three brothers,” Sam said cocking a brow at me.

  
“I have three brothers that go to school here, three more at home along with two sisters. Most of my siblings are too young for school four of them are under the age of 5 and my brother James is about to turn six,” I answered.

  
“That’s a lot of brothers and sisters,” Sam commented, “How is it I’ve lived with you for the past year and I barely know anything about you?”

  
“I’m quiet. I’m quiet for a reason,” I answered.

  
“I just thought you were shy,” He said.

  
“No, I’m not shy. I’m smart. Smart people keep their mouths shut at least according to my Da. Smart people don’t share their personal information with others because then people know their flaws and can use their flaws against them. If you’re quiet, you learn.”

  
“Not a people person then?” Sam asked me.

  
“Not really. As you get older you’ll understand why,” I said turning to my course work I had to finish before bed.

  
“What does that mean you’re not any older than me,” He scoffed.

  
“Look you know those books they read you? The boxcar kids, Hardy boys? Those are lies kids don’t solve crimes very often adults don’t even solve crimes you know how they tell us we have the potential to be whatever we want? Very few of us will ever live up to that potential. You know the feeling of scared you get when you watch pet cemetery or Child’s play? That’s what the real world feels like all the time. It’s dark and it’s cold and no one is going to help you or care. You might as well learn that reality now,” I answered him.

  
“That’s not true my mum and Dad will always look out for me,” He answered.

“Only if they know something is wrong, if they aren’t the ones causing the problem. Not everyone has a happy life Sam,” I replied.

  
“And you would know this?” He asked me.

  
“My Da used to beat my mum. My older brother used to hide me in the closet so my Da wouldn’t hurt me. So yeah I know the world isn’t a nice place and I don’t ever expect it to be,” I answered.

  
“Did you ever tell anyone?” He asked me.

“Like who? He’s my Da all right? And we moved here for him to see someone to help with his anger issues,” I answered him, “He’s better now.”

  
All of that was a half-truth. We did move here for him to get help for not for his anger issues but for his impulses he had where he couldn’t keep his hands to himself. Where he felt, it was normal and healthy to molest his own children not that any of that had helped him. Mum thought it had and so did John but really all it did was put him touch with people who thought the same way he did. That it was healthy to teach your kids about their bodies, about how to use people sexually and how to use your sexuality to get ahead in life.

  
“Well I’m glad he’s better,” Sam said, “My neighbor his Da used to drink his parents spilt up. His mum and him are a lot happier now.”

  
“Good for him. Things are better for us too,” I answered.

  
“Doesn’t sound like it. Sounds like you hate the world,” Sam answered.

  
“No I don’t hate the world I just prefer books more than people. Another reason why I’m quiet,” I answered finishing up my work.

  
“If you’re done you should go to the common room because I’m not ready for bed yet,” Sam told me.

  
“That’s fine, this is my second to last night here anyway,” I answered closing my books and grabbing my reading book so I could head to common room.

  
“Do you mind going to the common room?” He asked me.

  
“Not really most people just leave me alone,” I answered.

  
“What about prickly Peter?” He asked me.

  
It was a nickname we had for the older head boy for our dorm house. He was weird sometimes. He would bother people rumors of him asking for different favors like chocolates and sweets if you got in trouble that sort of thing. There was even a rumor he took potoroid’s of some poor kid in his knickers for blackmail.

  
I laughed, “He’s never bothered me. I don’t get in trouble though so…”

  
“I can see why if you talked way more often a lot of people would like you a lot less,” Sam answered.

  
“I can be normal I’m just tired and stressed,” I answered, “I don’t pretend well when I’m tired and stressed.”

  
“Pretend?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah pretend to be a normal 10-year-old that doesn’t know how to read his Da’s emails or knows that his Da is a truly bad person,” I answered.

  
“You said he was better,” Sam frowned at me.

  
“I lied just like he’s lying,” I answered, “Not that it matters if you know anyway since I’m leaving in two days and you probably won’t ever see me again.”

  
“Fair enough, I wish you luck,” Sam said, “It was nice having you as a roommate though even if you are quiet and weird until apparently, someone gets you talking then you’re broody and angry.”

  
I smiled and laughed, “Thanks you were a good roommate too.”

  
That was the last time I talked to Sam or anyone else at school really before I went home. It was nice to be home without Da. To play with my siblings. To have tea party with Catty and James and to play board games with Mike and Matt while I helped mum with nappies on occasion. When it was time for us to leave Da took a plane back home as mum was packing things up so she could go spend time with an Aunt of hers in France before the babies were born.

  
“Mum I’m not sure we should go without you,” John said one night as I was walking into the bedroom.

  
“Love we’ve talked about this, he’s better now he’s changed he’s promised and you’re Uncle will be far away still,” Mum tried to assure him.

  
“Mum I don’t know. I don’t…”

  
“John he’s your father he loves you. He’s told me how sorry he is he let those things happen and that they won’t happen again. You must trust him. Has he hurt you at all in all this time? In the last year?” She asked him.

  
“No mum but…” John sighed heavily as she interrupted him.

  
“He’s your Da let him earn your trust back, I know bad things have happened in the past but we need to work on forgiving him otherwise he’s never going to be able to prove he’s different,” Mum said to him.

  
“Mum he’s still doing it, he did it to Will mum,” John said to which he looked at me.

  
“What? When?” She asked turning to look at me as well.

  
“Two years ago,” I answered.

  
“Has he done anything since?” She asked me.

  
I sighed and shook my head not wanting to verbally lie to her. It’s not like her fighting to keep us with her would help us in anyway. It would stress her out and make them fight. It wouldn’t stop him. It would just make things harder for her.

  
John looked at me and sighed his look saying “back me up on this I don’t want to go there.”

  
“Then please just try for me John. If there is any problem, just call me and I’ll try to come ok?” She said to him, “I know you’re scared but, he’s admitted his mistakes. He’s changed.”

  
“Mum, I really don’t trust him. Not with them. Never with them,” John said through gritted teeth fighting back angry tears.

  
“He’s not going to hurt them and he won’t hurt you,” Mum told him, “I trust you and I trust him. He’s gotten help. He doesn’t believe those things anymore.”

  
“He says he doesn’t that doesn’t mean it’s true,” John insisted, “Please don’t make us go with him.”

  
“You need to get settled in before school starts. So, you need to. I would be coming to if it weren’t for the babies all, right? It’s safer for me not to fly right now otherwise we would all be going. Great Aunt Catherine will be there to help me and once these two are born I’ll be coming home as soon as I can and we’ll all be together. Please do this for me. Give him a chance,” Mum said to him her eyes pleading as she grabbed his hands a squeezed them gently before sighing and rubbing her belly, “hush you two.”

  
“they’re kicking?” He asked her.

  
“Yes, wide awake the wee dancers,” She said smiling taking his hand and putting it on her belly, “When I come they’ll be out and ready to meet you. And I know you’ll do everything to keep them safe just like me and just like your Da.”

  
John nodded his head, “I’ll keep them safe. I promise.”

  
“I know love,” She said, “Is everyone packed for the morning?”

  
“Yes,” He answered, “We’ll be ready to leave tomorrow night after Da gets some rest.”

  
“It’s going to be a long flight. That’s why I’m glad you’re Da booked a late one hopefully almost everyone will sleep on the way there,” She said.

  
“It’s just going to be us James and the twins, it won’t be that busy,” John sighed.

  
“Yeah but it will help if they are tired, I need you two to get some rest. Goodnight,” She said kissing him on the cheek him scrunching is face in annoyance as she shut the door behind her.

  
“Why didn’t you back me up?” he asked me.

  
“We can’t stop this,” I answered, “We’re moving back to America no matter what we do. He has a job offer they are paying him a lot of money John. There isn’t any way out of this.”

  
“He’s going to be there when we get there. He said so. He wrote me a letter you don’t know what he’s like you barely remember him,” John said referring to Uncle Ben.

  
“I remember him hurting you. Is that what you’re afraid of that Da is going to let him hurt you?” I asked.

  
“Of course Da is going to let him hurt me. Da is going to let him hurt all of us,” John answered.

  
“And we’ll deal with that when it happens if it happens,” I said.

  
“Will, don’t lie for him anymore?” John said.

  
“I’m not lying,” I said, “He really hasn’t.”

  
“I want to believe you, I do but I find it hard to. If he’s not hurting me he must be hurting someone and if it’s not you it’s someone else,” John said.

  
“there wouldn’t be anything we could do anyway,” I answered.

  
“That’s not true. You know what he…” I cut him off

  
“Don’t even talk about that. John, you couldn’t handle it and it’s not your job. You’ve tried so hard your whole life to keep all of us safe. To keep me safe and you can’t do that. You’ll break. You know you will. So, don’t even think it. If he was hurting someone they would have said something,” I told him.

  
“Unless it was you because you feel like you owe me. If he is hurting, you if he’s …doing that to you still you need to say something to mum and say it tonight. Stop this Will,” John said.

  
“What good would that do but make him angry?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t know,” John said, “But maybe if I wasn’t the only one who said they were scared she wouldn’t make us go.”

  
“She would because she trusts that he’s changed, “I told him.

  
“Do you think he has?” John asked me.

  
“I didn’t say that,” I answered him.

  
“Then say something and stop this!” John said to me his eyes wide pleading, “he’s going to hurt me.”

  
“Only because you won’t let him hurt anyone else,” I said.

  
“Bloody right I won’t!” He hissed back, “You know how bad it hurts. You know what it feels like even if it was only just the once he did it. You want any of them to ever feel that way? I know you don’t. So, stop this. Work me and stop this,” John pleaded.  
“I can’t. Mum won’t listen to you and she’s not going to listen to me. There is nothing we can do,” I said, “I’ll try to keep him from…”

  
“No Will, no it has to be me. It can’t be anyone else,” John said starting to cry, “I’ll do but I’ll hate it.”

  
“John it might be ok you don’t know,” I said.

  
“No it won’t be Uncle Ben will be there and it won’t be ok,” John swore, “You’ll see.”

  
I should have believed him. I wish I had believed him. That night passed and Da didn’t come visit me even though he was home. He didn’t come in and talk to us at all. The day passed by each hour I could feel John growing more and more nervous more tense and he refused to speak to mum for the rest of the day.

  
“Why can’t I go mummy?” Cat asked her at dinner.

  
“Because love you don’t need to start school yet where the boys need to get settled in before the school year so you’re going to spend time with me and Aunt Catherine and the babies,” Mum answered her.

  
“But that’s not fair I want to go!” Cat whined.

  
“We’ll be there around Christmas,” Mum assured her, “I know you want to go and your brothers will miss you very much I’m sure.”

  
“Yes,” I agreed nodding my head, “We’ll be all right though and we’ll try to call you once a week won’t we guys?”

  
“I’ll call you every night,” James assured her and I laughed.

  
“There’s a bit of a time difference so that might be difficult but I’ll see if I can figure out the math and make sure you two have time to chat every day,” Da said smiling in amusement.

  
“You promise?” Cat asked.

  
“I promise,” James said again, “It’ll only be a little bit Catty not forever. It’s only a couple of months and then we’ll all be together again.

  
“I’ll try to make sure he keeps you up on important things Catty,” I promised her, “You won’t miss anything it’s all about school work.”

  
“Will’s right darling,” Da assured her, “I promise the boys will be bored without you. Boys you are packed, right? We need to go.”

  
“Yeah everyone is packed up,” John answered before I could.

  
We had both made sure Matt, Mike and James were packed with clothes and whatever they needed that wasn’t going by mail. We left shortly after getting into the town car waiting for Da John’s anxiety beyond unbearable his whole being vibrating with it. I understood why he was upset, nervous. And I swore to myself that it wouldn’t happen that he wouldn’t deal with any of it alone.

  
By the time we got on the plane mum had proven herself right me being beyond tired as I was settled in next to Mike and Matt who had been sleep walking through most of the airport and only woke up and got excited long enough to watch take off through the window, watching the lights of London fade below us until there was nothing but darkness below us and Matt reached over and drew the blind down turning off the overhead lights and settling into sleep on my shoulder.

  
I ended up falling asleep as well shortly after that. The flight not being exciting in anyway shape or form. At some point John jumped in the seat in front of Matt startling me awake for just a moment and I heard him mumbling but I only ended up falling back to sleep until the attendant came on the intercom announcing that everyone should make sure their seat belts were secured and we were coming in for a landing.

  
I remember hitting the landing strip the bump finally forcing me fully awake as we pulled up to the airport and the hooked us up to it. When we left the plane, the stewardess pushed past us and started talking to a police officer in the corner who then approached my Da as I grabbed Mike’s hand heading towards baggage claim where there was a tall man standing there. With a trolley who frowned at me for a minute before speaking.

  
“William is that you?” He asked me.

  
“Uncle Ben?” I asked confused. No this wasn’t right he wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to be away. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be.

  
“Yeah buddy you remember me?” He asked me.

  
“What are you doing here?” I asked feeling my heart skip a beat. John was right this wasn’t good this wasn’t supposed to happen.

  
“I’m just here to say hi. Help your Da out with you guys til your mum comes home,” He said smiling his eyes scanning me up and down making me feel uncomfortable the same look that Da gave John whenever he thought no one was looking, “you grew up.”

  
“Not really,” I answered.

  
The last time I had seen him I was six. So, it was lie even though at the time it didn’t feel like one. A person can change a lot in four years. Especially a child. But I didn’t feel that different really, taller and wiser maybe but otherwise I didn’t feel different at all.  
“Oh no you’ve changed, you look good,” He said to me making me shift uncomfortably.

  
“You’re not supposed to be here,” I said quietly.

  
“Hey it’s ok. Your mum doesn’t know I’m here of course but that doesn’t matter. Everything will be fine you’ll see,” He tried to assure me.

  
My most vivid memory of him was him on top of John as John screamed his butt in the air on top of John moving, him grinding his hips into my brother while he swore and made weird sounds. Of me being terrified that he was going to kill him. I hadn’t realized how afraid of Ben I was until he was looking at me the way Da looked at John and that’s when I knew I had made a mistake in not speaking up. I should have told mum what Da did. I should have told John but now John thought he was alone and mum thought nothing was going on that Da was better when he wasn’t.

  
I remember thinking about how it was my fault. Realizing it was my fault. That I did this to us. To me and to John that I was a horrible person because I wanted to believe things would be different. They were going to be different all right.  
“You ok bud?” Ben asked me frowning that same look still in his eyes.

  
I nodded my head numbly pulling Mike closer to my side. This was really bad. I remember not being able to speak realizing the mistake I had made. Wallowing in my own stupidity as I stood there Uncle Ben turning back to the baggage carousel looking for our luggage and grabbing it as it passed by while Da stood with John talking to the officer in the uniform who was laughing and making jokes.

  
“Who are you?” Mike asked from beside me.

  
“I’m your Uncle Ben you probably don’t remember me that well huh?” He said smiling at Mike.

  
“Mike quiet,” I said turning around and pulling him with me as Matt grabbed Mike’s other hand frowning as we turned toward Da and walked over to him Uncle Ben steering the luggage cart.

  
We walked up to where Da and the guy were standing Da saying something about how he had heard that Hank was a nice person. The guy in the uniform being Hank.

  
“Hey Johnny, how are you?” he Uncle Ben said to John with a terrible smile on his face, “Are we ready to get these boys home Conner?”

  
“I think so,” My Da answered him something about the tone in his voice making me feel sick to my stomach making me feel like I was going to throw up. Something was wrong. My brain screaming at me that this was a situation I shouldn’t be in. That this was really bad and I had gotten us stuck here. That this was my fault and something I could have prevented but it was too late now. That now I had to deal with it. Keep my mouth shut and do whatever it was I had to do to protect my brothers all of them especially my older brother who tried so hard to make sure no one else got hurt.

  
Da said goodbye to Hank the police officer and we walked to the car John and I sliding into the captain chairs in the van after we made sure James, Mike and Matt were strapped into the back seat as Da and Uncle Ben loaded the luggage in whispering to themselves and I heard my name mentioned in a barely there whisper.

  
“I’m sorry,” I said to John quietly who didn’t move didn’t even look over at me his whole body slack his eyes straight forward like he was numbing himself up. Trying to check out mentally because he knew something bad was about to happen.  
“You know what John here did? He tired calling the cops on me, and that’s when I met Hank.” Da said to Uncle Ben climbing into the passenger seat up front laughing slightly.

  
“Oh Hank, he’s a great guy he’s a part of FFCL you won’t have any problems with him, I’ve met his boy Patrick,” Uncle Ben said as we pulled out of the parking lot, “Patrick is just a little bit older then John here I think. He’s a handful.”

  
Da laughed, “I’m glad I have good boys, they listen very well I was thinking we should homeschool at least John if not everyone until Danielle gets here. It would be easier that way. Would help us train up the younger ones a little bit.”

  
“Yeah, that would be a good idea they are precious, especially the little one, I mean just look at him sleeping back there knowing he’s untouched makes me hard.” Uncle Ben said turning at an intersection, “Either way I know you’ve been talking to some of the guys and I know you’ll break him in right. Even though you’re always so kind most of the FFCL guys aren’t that soft with their kids.” My Uncle replied.

  
“Yeah I know you take the more traditional approach but, that doesn’t mean anything. I would rather be able to do it again then not be able to touch them for a week because I was too rough you know?” My Da commented as I heard Mike whisper behind me  
“What are they talking about?” He asked.

  
“Mike be quiet,” I hissed quietly trying not to be heard as I was eavesdropping.

  
“Yeah, I know what you mean, I’ve been working on my skills and I seem to be doing better with that. Now I’ll get plenty more practice with it. I agree with you it’s nice to be able to have more time with them instead of having to wait for them to heal if I’m too rough,” Uncle Ben answered Da back as we pulled up into the drive way stopping at a key pad on a gate.

  
Behind the gate was a house that looked more like a castle or mansion then an actual house. It loomed huge and white in the foreground in front of us. The smaller houses that I vaguely remembered being there before were gone the house taking up twice the amount of room I remembered it taking up before. It looked like it had grown two stories and the backyard had somehow managed to get bigger. It felt weird, not like home anymore but more like a strange place where bad things happened. The air around it feeling cold and dark, like something was wrong with it. Wrong with everything. I remember shooting John a nervous glance as he stared straight ahead his eyes big as his hand tightened on the arm rest of his chair.

  
James shouted “COOL!” loudly from the back causing John to jump and turn to look at him almost like he had sprouted an eye in the middle of his forehead causing me to look back and see the smile and big happy eyes like a kid on Christmas him not understanding what was happening. What that house would mean for us because of what I had refused to do just a mere 18 hours before.

  
Da glanced back smiling “You guys get your own floor, thanks to mom she said she had a code for the elevator somewhere I just don’t know where it is.”

  
“So it’s like just ours and no one else can go there?” I questioned feeling hopeful before the words don’t know where the code is hit me in the face like a splash of cold water meaning there was no way to escape whatever they had planned for us.  
“Yeah buddy just for you kids, it’s in case someone tries to kidnap you, I don’t even have the code so you’ll be sleeping in guest rooms until mom gets here,” Da explained for us as Uncle Ben parked up near the garage door in front of what looked like a closed off green house and fenced in area in the back yard which upon getting out of the car I discovered was a big outdoor pool.

  
“Where are the guest rooms?” John asked as he undid his seat belt turning around to help James get out of his belt as well and Uncle Ben opened the sliding door. I stepped out onto the concrete looking around at how massive the house was, walking away a little.

  
“On the same floor next to mine and your mom’s room,” he said as everyone got out of the car and went into the house through the garage door.

  
The kitchen was twice as big as it had been when we had last been there. The room yellow and blue with white counters and cabinets a kitchen island standing in the middle of the room where the counter used to come out in an L shape at one point the only thing that was the same being the table from before. John turning pale when he saw it his body language changing, his stance becoming tense to hide the fact that he was feeling unsteady his brain replaying something in his head.

  
I could tell by looking at him he was panicking inside his hands probably squeezing James’ slightly as he stood there trying to breathe probably just struggling to think. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was again. How bad I felt but I knew there was nothing I could say or do that would make any of this better for him just like there was nothing I could do to make this better for myself. To change any of this.

  
“John, what’s wrong?” James asked shaking John’s hand slightly in his grip trying to get a reaction from his stock still form as he stared wide eyed and fearful at the table.

  
“Hey buddy, you can come upstairs with me ok?” Da said motioning us upstairs away from John who still didn’t move, reaching for James’ hand taking it into his leading us upstairs.

  
I turned back to look at John nervously my throat dry knowing this was bad that we should all stay together that I shouldn’t leave him alone as Uncle Ben started walking up behind him. I swallowed to try and clear my throat to say something to stop Uncle Ben from touching him.

  
“Will bud, come on upstairs John is all right,” Da said causing me to turn my attention to him and start climbing the stairs again, “He’s ok really.” He said putting his hand on my shoulder making me tense as I walked up the stairs away from John leaving him alone in the kitchen with Uncle Ben making my heart beat faster knowing he was going to get hurt. That something bad was going to happen.

  
“Da are you sure he’s ok he looks scared,” I pointed out quietly.

  
“Your uncle won’t hurt him he just wants to spend some time with him, like I spend with you,” Da said.

  
“Da,” I begged, “You shouldn’t…”

  
“I shouldn’t what?” Da said grabbing my shoulder tightly and squeezing making me bite my lips into a thin line as my brothers kept walking up the stairs in front of us, “You don’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t do not ever. You know better. I don’t want to hear it you understand me? I get enough of that from your mother and everyone else I don’t need it from you too.”

  
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly turning my eyes down to my feet not wanting to let him know he was hurting me that he was squeezing too hard the feeling of the pads of his fingers digging into my skin pressing into my muscle the skin bruising under his fingers.  
“I accept that now help me get your brothers settled in ok?” He said, “I’m sure we could all us a few more hours of sleep in a more comfortable area.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “What do you want me to do?”

  
“Just get Mike and Matt settled in and I’ll take care of James ok? Just get them to settle down,” He told me and I nodded my head as he let go of my arm and we made it up to the second floor. We turned the corner and he opened a room for us. The room being a powder blue with a big bed in it. I sighed as Da ushered me in behind Mike and Matt and shut the door behind me.

  
“Why isn’t Da showing us the house?” Matt asked me.

  
“I don’t know he said we should probably get more sleep so I think we’re going to lay down for a nap or something,” I answered.

  
“That’s stupid I’m not even tired,” Mike said.

  
“I know but we should do what we’re told,” I said.

  
“Why is Da being mean?” Matt asked me his eyebrows raising curiously.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “But I’m worried he’ll hurt us if we don’t do what we’re told. So just lay down and maybe you’ll fall asleep.”

  
“There’s only one bed,” Mike pointed out.

  
“Yeah but it’s a big bed,” I answered taking off my shoes, “Come on guys shoes off we’ll just lay down for a little while I’m sure we’ll fall asleep.”

  
They took their shoes off Matt lining his up next to mine neatly while Mike threw his at the wall them landing haphazardly in the corner behind the door. I sat down with them on the bed and soon their eyes were closed and they were sleeping when I heard a thump against the wall next to the bedroom.

  
I sighed getting up slowly trying to be careful so that I didn’t wake them when I opened the door and shut it slowly and quietly behind me the sounds from the other room still muffled but getting louder as I walked around the corner.  
I could hear crying coming from inside one on the rooms painful gut wrenching sobs and babbled words as I heard a lower voice underneath them.

  
“It’s ok buddy, I’m just loving you. I know it hurts but it’s ok,” I heard Da coo through the door softly as the sobs started to settle from inside the room I was standing outside of.

  
I didn’t want to open the door because I knew what was happening but I couldn’t let him just do that. Not to James. It wasn’t right he didn’t deserve it. He was only little. He was only six years old. Two years younger than I had been that day that Da came and got me from school early. I didn’t even bother to be quiet about it flinging the door open it bouncing off the wall and almost back in my face.

  
“Will!” Da hissed no bothering to look at me, “Go lay down and take a nap.”

  
“It hurts Da,” James mumbled his sobs having gone quiet as he whined pushing at Da’s body to get him off his back.

  
“It’s ok bud just relax,” Da said running a hand through the back of James’ hair.

  
“Da please,” I said begging him, “Please not him.”

  
“Why not?” Da asked pushing forward into my little brother the sheets moving around them as James squealed in pain.

  
“Da please,” I said again stepping forward and doing the only thing that came to mind that usually he said drove him wild lifting the hem of my shirt slowly teasingly blinking back my tears.

  
“Oh,” Da said cocking his head to the side, “You want to play? I’ve never seen you willing to play before.”

  
“Daddy it hurts,” James cried into the pillow my Da still inside of him pressed against him.

  
“I’m done buddy it’s ok,” Da said to him moving so he was no longer on top of him pressing him hard into the mattress below them. You stay here I’ll be back later, try to sleep ok buddy?”

  
“Ok Daddy,” James said still crying lightly, sniffling as he spoke.

  
Da got up not even bothering to put on clothes or hide his erection. As I pulled my shirt back down. He sighed looking down at himself noticing how wide my eyes got when I saw the blood before he grabbed me by the elbow and lead me down to the end of the hallway opening a set of double doors walking us into a huge room that was completely white on the walls with a TV and black love seat and white recliner in the middle of the room as he walked us past it opening another normal door and into a bedroom that had sky blue walls with a four-poster bed looming against the wall in front of us.

  
“Don’t mind the blood it’s just a hazard. I’m sure you don’t remember it but you bled too,” He said casually opening another door that lead to a bathroom and turning on the sink.

  
I stood there wrapping my arms around myself. Knowing what I was getting into what I was doing to save my little brother anymore pain knowing that the thrusting was the worst part how that first time it always felt like it was ripping you from the inside out tearing you open in a way that no one could ever fix.

  
When Da came out of the bathroom he was no longer erect but the blood that had been covering his penis was gone and he sighed looking at me, “You ok honey?”

  
I nodded my head lightly. I didn’t want this but I knew by lifting my shirt I was promising it to him. That I was making him come after me instead. That I was agreeing to it, to have sex with him so he wouldn’t make James do it.

  
I must have blanked out because before I knew it he was wrapping his arms around me making me freeze up even more, “It’s ok Honey I won’t hurt you. It won’t hurt like it did last time I promise,” He said quietly to me tipping my chin up so my gaze met his and he smiled softly, “there’s my boy huh?”

  
He kissed the top of my head leading me over to the bed pressing on my lightly forcing me to sit down his hands going to the hem of my shirt pulling my shirt up over my head and throwing it on to the floor as he rubbed my naked shoulders and neck making me start to shake. I didn’t want this but I had to do it. I didn’t have a choice anymore; I didn’t have a right to say no.

  
“Are you sure?” I asked quietly swallowing trying to keep myself from crying.

  
“Yes, I’m sure,” he said nodding his head nuzzling my neck before he kissed it slowly forcing me to lay back on the bed face up him kissing me aggressively biting my neck, sucking on the skin there his hands traveling down my sides and then back up counting my ribs with his fingers almost like he was feeling the keys on a piano making me wheeze as it tickled.

  
“It’s ok,” He said coming up looking at me closely, “Just lay back.”

  
I sighed trying to relax my body knowing what was going to happen as his hands went to my pants and he undid them. I laid there limply as he pulled them off with my boxer briefs letting them fall on the ground too somewhere. Leaving me naked and exposed laying straight as a board on the bed my hands to my sides not really sure what he was doing, why I wasn’t on my back if he was going to do that to me as he crawled onto the other side of the bed looking at me his hands running down my chest before his lips kissed on of my nipples making me jump.

  
“Da,” I cried out reaching out and grabbing one of his arms which he pushed back down.

  
“Shh it’s ok. You wanted to remember?” He said his kisses trailing lower.

  
He was going to do that thing. He was going to blow me and I didn’t want it. I wasn’t ok with that. That’s not what he was doing to James. That’s not what I agreed to.

  
“Please,” I begged him trying to keep myself still exhaling through my mouth and breathing in through my nose like they had taught us to do in gym class when we were out of breath.

  
“Relax,” he said as I started feel dizzy, “I’ll make it feel good maybe you’ll even cum for me huh?” He said his hand touching me there. Making my toes curl my whole-body tense as just that one touch send fire and tingles spreading up my spine from my groin.

  
I found I couldn’t breathe anymore. Not even in the slow deep breaths out my mouth and in my nose. I found I was panting closing my eyes as his mouth went around me. This felt different from last time. This felt even worse than last time every cell in my body on fire as the wet warmness hit me causing my back to arch and me to fist the sheets beside me to try and keep myself quiet keep myself from crying.

  
I didn’t like it. It was too much too intense his lips and tongue working up and down me sucking pulling me closer and closer to that place the tickling growing stronger and stronger as I tried to not to cry him taking me out of his mouth and sucking lightly underneath me making me moan before I could slam my hand over my mouth to keep myself quiet. He laughed ticking the sensitive skin of my scrotum.

  
“You can make noise it’s ok,” He said as I heard the amusement in his voice. I didn’t like this. I wanted to die because dying had to be better than the way it felt. I remember thinking that. Being 10 years old and thinking that. That my Da shouldn’t be able to make my body feel like that. That it was wrong and it made me dirty that he could do that to me.

  
I wanted to beg him to stop. I wanted to scream at him to claw at him but I knew I couldn’t because lifting up my shirt had told him I would and he would be angry because I wasn’t doing what I promised because I was going to fight him as my back arched into his touch into his mouth and he laughed happily his nose tickling my pubic bone as he took me back into his mouth me biting my lips closed as he moved wrapping his arms around my thighs to keep my legs open when I felt the pressure against my rectum before the tip of his finger breeched me, dry.

  
“DA!” I whined.

  
“No, no you promised,” Da said taking his mouth of off me, “It’ll blow your mind honey trust me.”

  
“Da,” I whimpered quietly this time as his finger started moving around.

  
“Almost got it I think,” He said kissing the base of my penis as his finger moved around before it brushed that spot making me whimper making me tense up, “There it is.”

  
It felt like I was being electrocuted every brush against it making my shoulders tense even more then I thought they could before and then relaxing again as he pulled his finger away before he hit it again making me twitch on reflex with no control over my body. My eyes started to burn as he kept hitting that spot. I could feel the pleasure he was getting from it feeling me twitch under him as he hit that spot with his finger before adding another one. As he raped me with his fingers and his mouth my face heating up my whole body becoming hot feeling like it was on fire and freezing all at the same time before he pulled his hands away pushing into me forcing my thighs up to his side holding on to them with his hands.

  
“There we go,” He said finding the spot almost immediately once he was settled into of me pulling out and then pushing in again hard the tearing not nearly enough to stop the tickling that was running under my skin, “Oh god yeah.”

  
I couldn’t do anything besides pant with my eyes closed trying to keep myself from crying as he forced my legs to wrap around his waist as best they could as he pushed in and out of me making my muscles expands and contract repeatedly from my neck and shoulders down to my toes.

  
I whimpered keeping my eyes closed and as he pressed into me, pressed against that spot, “That’s feels good huh honey?” He asked me, “If feels good to me, you feel so good honey god you feel fucking amazing.”

  
I throaty moan escaped from me as I tried to keep myself from screaming as I felt something weird happen between my legs something feeling wet just a little at first but the pressure building more and more until I couldn’t stand it and it felt like I peed on myself. To which my Da laughed and then gasped as my body contracted around him shaking and he came inside of me. When he was done, he collapsed on top of me kissing my forehead and face excitedly.

  
“You did it honey, you did it. Amazing, you’re so amazing,” He said kissing my face over and over excitedly, “That was beautiful honey just beautiful. God you’re so prefect.”

  
He climbed off me. His hand running over my penis making me flinch again as I panted finally opening my eyes, “Yeah you did it all right, god it’s not nearly as sticky as I thought it would be but it was your first time. You did a good job. I mean my stomach and yours is soaked.”

  
“Wha-what?” I panted still feeling out of breath.

  
“You ejaculated,” He told me kissing my ear after he whispered the words into it.

  
“What?” I asked again.

  
“You came honey, you came for me,” He laughed excitedly as my body started to calm down as I realized what he was saying. What he meant.

  
“Oh,” I said quietly.

  
“No, it’s great trust me,” He said still holding me, “You’re a man now.”

  
I mind flashed back to the last time he had said that. The first time he had raped me making me freeze as my breathing started to become less labored as I started to calm down, to will myself into numbness waiting for him to let me go so I could get up and shower.

  
“You don’t seem excited,” He said to me frowning.

  
“I-I. I don’t think it’s a big deal,” I answered quietly.

  
“It’s a huge deal! You know how exciting this is? And you did it just for me too. God that makes me feel so special honey that you would share that with me, thank you,” He said quietly pulling me into his chest.

  
“I, feel kind of sticky,” I muttered, “Can I go shower?”

  
“Oh, yeah sorry,” He said laughing lightly again, “Go ahead. I have some stuff I should probably take care of so how about you shower and then go and try to nap you’re probably tired now. I’ll see you later ok?”

  
I nodded my head. Not wanting to speak. Not wanting to lie to him. Not wanting to tell him I didn’t want to see him later that I would prefer to burn my skin off and castrate myself. Not wanting to voice that I felt like my body had betrayed me again like it always did. I stood up slowly knowing my body was going to be stiff, that my legs were going to feel like mush under me as I moved slowly towards the bathroom noticing the amount of blood that seemed to be dripping down the back of my legs mixed with something else as I stepped into the shower turning it on. Noticing how the water was tinted pink that it stung as it hit my backside again as I bend over biting my lips to muffle my screams as it stung. When I was done showering, I went to the guest room the same one James was in where he was sleeping grabbing a pair of sweat pants and pulling them on afraid that anything else would hurt too much.

  
“It hurts,” James whined into the pillow causing me to turn around and look at him.

  
“I know buddy,” I said climbing into bed and allowing him to hug me as he cried into my bare chest trying to hide the fact that I was crying too from him, “I know.”

  
“Why does he hate us,” He asked me.

  
“I wish I knew,” I said rubbing his back, “I hurt too so we’re going to try and sleep ok? Maybe when we wake up it will feel better?”

  
“Ok,” He sniffled into my chest as I curled my knees helping relieve some of the weird pressure and burning I was feeling inside of me as I closed my eyes listening to my baby brother sniffle against me. Knowing that he knew exactly how I felt, exactly how bad it hurt.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will finds out why John wasn't around and what happened to him in the basement as his uncle gets to know him better despite his protests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of mention of the brotherhood and their ideals the way they operate in this one. Remember this is a cult. A cult is defined as;a relatively small group of people having beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister. These are not good people I would personally never believe anyone who said anything anywhere near what they say as a good person what so ever. Eventually Will's timeline will catch up with John's but right now you are at the beginning again from Will's POV and will take a while for you get to the same time frame. You actually learn a lot of things from this POV that you don't learn until later from John's story because like I said in a comment somewhere Will is a different person he just happens to be sharing the same hell with his brother so things are learned differently, remembered differently. Again don't condone it, don't like that it happens, this is a work of fiction. **Warnings for this chapter:** Rape/non-con, mentions of rape/non-con, emotional manipulation, physical abuse, forced blow job, forced anal,

Two days passed before I saw John again, pretty sure of where he was hoping that what I thought was happening wasn’t. I felt like it was my fault still. Like I shouldn’t have left him there alone. During the day when we left the room James was quiet. Not his usual self with dark circles under his eyes and during the night he cried into me as I held him closely rubbing my hand through his hair and soothing him talking to him quietly telling him it was ok even though I felt like it wasn’t. Lying to him to calm him down. His sobs every night slowly turning into whines that slowly faded to sniffles again before he finally grew silent his breathing evening out and slowing down as sleep claimed him. It was late the second day there when I saw John again, the sun going down fading softly from the sky as the door cracked open before it opened slowly, John squinting at me in the darkness of the room.

  
I moved very carefully supporting his weight with my arms as I got up, my body stiff and sore as I moved, protesting the idea of using my legs a searing pain traveling up my backside as I moved lowering James to settle into the mattress, ““Don’t wake him up I just got him to sleep,” I told John looking at him sighing heavily.

  
He looked tired worn down and I figured what had probably happened but, I didn’t want any questions he had to wake James up after hours of crying hours of panic and pain of telling me repeatedly that he didn’t understand why Da hated him, hated us why he had hurt him so bad and how he would try to be good in the future so it wouldn’t happen again.

  
I grabbed John lightly by the elbow pushing him out of the room and shutting the door behind us as softly as I could so we were standing out in the hallway, ““Where were you? We haven’t seen you since we got here. You know what da did to him? I walked in on da raping him, he’s six years old John, it shouldn’t have happened,” I said quietly trying to keep my voice down.

  
“I-I-I’m sorry Uncle Ben locked me in the basement,” John answered his voice quivering as he spoke fighting back tears.

  
I felt like I had been punched in the stomach I had known when I had walked away that leaving him there was a bad idea. That leaving him there was betraying him, leaving him to be raped but I had felt like I had no choice at the time. And what would have happened to James if I hadn’t of been upstairs at the time. Would Da have finished with him? Would da have hurt him so badly he would have never been the same kid I knew. The same brother I loved. I hated thinking about it.

  
“In the basement?” I asked quietly not able to look at him, not able to deal with my own guilt for leaving him down there in the kitchen hugging myself tightly trying to keep myself from being angry, from showing how stupid I was.

  
“Yes, in the basement where he FUCKED me over and over and over since I walked in that kitchen door!” John sobbed loudly slamming his hand over his mouth to quiet himself as he started breaking down.

  
“John …” I managed to say before Mike and Matt popped their heads out of the door down the hall looking in our direction.

  
“John said a bad word,” Mike and Matt said shocked looking at us closely.

  
“Yeah I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, don’t tell ok? What about you two? Did anyone hurt you? What about you Will?” John said quietly looking at them.

  
“Yeah,” I sighed hating that I had to admit it but not wanting to lie anymore since my lies was what had gotten us into this mess in the first place, “Da, it wasn’t horrible. It didn’t hurt that bad it wasn’t like what Uncle Ben did to you when we were little.”

  
“Uncle Ben hasn’t changed much,” John sighed quietly.

  
“Da made us touch each other’s privates while he took pictures and it was gross. I thought it felt funny,” Mike said.

  
“Did he put his dick in your bottoms?” John asked Mike and Matt shocking me.

  
Why hadn’t I thought of that? That after Da left he might have been raping them. I felt my stomach knot waiting for their answer hoping it wasn’t a yes, hoping that Da hadn’t done that to them too. Hoping that he hadn’t broken all of them in, in one night.  
“No,” Matt shook his head, “He said he has friends that want to meet us though. I’m not sure what he means but it made me feel weird.”

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head, “It’s going to be ok.”

  
“Well, good for now I guess,” John said holding the wall suddenly for support, “Will …I…I think I have to lay down."

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head moving aside and opening the door for him as he swayed slightly stepping away from the wall, making his way to the bed where James was still sleeping and laying down next to him, closing his eyes as his chest heaved for a while before settling into a normal rhythm as he fell asleep.

  
I sighed standing there it only having taken John about five minutes to fall into some type of what seemed like a coma to me. Wondering where I was going to sleep because being as sore as I was along with how sore John probably felt didn’t seem like it would make for comfortable sleeping close together that and I knew for a fact John probably didn’t want to be touched by anyone older than six as James curled towards John’s warmth both in their sleep. I figured that I would probably sleep on the floor but decided I need a drink of water and the bathroom now that I was up. I went down stairs to the kitchen using the powder room to pee looking at the stripes and stars painting hanging on the wall behind the toilet wondering why on earth it was an American flag pattern and not the Union Jack. The flag I knew, the flag I was proud of even if I was born in America and therefore considered American.

  
I sighed flushing and washing my hands coming out of the bathroom and jumping nearly 10 feet in the air as I saw Uncle Ben sitting at the kitchen table a mug of something steaming lightly in his hands as he sipped from it staring at me, staring at the place where the bathroom door had only been moments before.

  
“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you,” He said smiling slightly his smile thin and jeering.

  
“It’s ok,” I answered quietly rubbing my hands on my pants to dry them properly before walking over to the fridge past him, him turning in his seat keeping his eyes on me. It made me feel weird, scared. The way he was looking at me even though I couldn’t see him properly in the dark. The way his body movement seemed to enable him to keep his eyes fully focused on me as I became completely aware of every movement I make trying to keep him in my eyesight as I grabbed the pitcher of water out of the fridge and set it on the counter.

  
“Oh,” He said standing up starling me coming up behind me, “You can just use a bottle it’s easier. Less work, no glass,” He said grabbing the pitcher up and moving so he was around me reaching into the fridge putting the pitcher back on the self and reaching into a drawer by my hip, “Here you go.”

  
He held out a bottle of water for me to take my heart thumping in my chest harder than I had ever felt it beat before. I was trapped, he was using his body to cage me and I knew it. I knew I wasn’t able to go anywhere.

  
“thank you,” I said quietly taking the bottle from his hand.

  
He brought his hand to my face touching my cheek gently caressing it making me jump, giving me a startle reaction.

  
“Shhh, it’s ok,” He said now close enough that I could see his eyes, the fridge emitting that low glow in the darkness making it easy to see that he was thinking about it. About the same things Da did when he looked at John.

  
“I’m tired I’m going to…” I said moving to go under his arm as he grabbed my elbow.

  
“Nah ha-ha,” He said making a clicking noise with his tongue and teeth, “I’ve been meaning to get reacquainted with you.”

  
“Reacquainted?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, you’re a big boy, now aren’t you?” He asked me.

  
I shook my head knowing that that implied. Knowing what it had meant when my Da had said it when I was eight. This was what they had been talking about in the car. Breaking us in. He wanted to do what Da had done and I didn’t want to.

  
“Don’t lie your Da keeps me updated you know? I talked to him last night while you were sleeping, he said you’re sweet. That you were good even sounded like you liked it. That you came for him and that’s the first time you’ve ever done that. Think you can cum for me?” He asked his hand going to my neck grabbing the back of it as he bent down forcing his tongue into my mouth shocking me.

  
I pushed against his chest trying to get him to let me go. I didn’t want this; I wasn’t ok with this. I didn’t want to do with Da and definitely didn’t want to do it with him. I started whining, crying under the taste of his tongue against my mouth the taste of mint and some type of sugary cream, the taste of tea. When he finally broke the kiss, I was gasping for air my tears falling so hard I couldn’t see.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head the word coming out more of a squeak than anything else, “no.”

  
“So you’ll be nice for Da but not for me? What makes him so special?” He hissed squeezing the back of my neck tightly making it hurt, “He gets everything, he gets John he gets you. He gets to fuck all of you first? When is it my turn? Huh kid? Huh?” He said yanking my head back forcefully burying his face into my neck biting me hard as I whimpered.

  
“You’re going to like it and you’ll cum for real. You’ll cum and it will be real not that Whimpey first time but the real thing. Creamy and salty the kind a guy can live off, you understand me? You’ll do it and you’ll do it if you ever want to see your brothers again,” He hissed yanking my head forward as he pulled me towards the basement steps and down them his grip on my neck never loosening making it hard for me to do anything but allow him to drag me forward as I cried.

  
I was still sore from before. I was still hurt from before and he had forced his tongue in my mouth and then dragged me by my hair down the stairs into the basement yanking my face down into the bed before I had a chance to see anything around me the lights dim and dark making my heart beat that much faster making me that more much terrified as he grabbed my shoulder hard forcing me to roll over sending a shooting pain across my shoulder blades. He climbed on top of me not giving me a chance to get away and I started kicking bucking trying to get him off me, trying to get him to stop I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this.

  
“Stop!” I begged as he pinned my wrist together in one hand pushing them above my head feeling my bones grind on each other as I begged him, trying to struggle to get him off me, to stop him from doing this, to make sure his hands didn’t go under my shirt or his weight didn’t shift so he could pull down my pants.

  
“Are you going to fight me? Or are you going to be nice?” He hissed into my ear rubbing his nose against mine as he squeezed my wrists even more.

  
“STOP!” I begged kicking out my legs as he grabbed one of my fingers in his other hand starting to bend it backwards making me freeze.

  
“You want to fight I’ll break every finger one by one and then go grab one of  your little brothers and fuck him instead. You want to fight? I’ll give you a reason to fight. you want to cry? I’ll give you a reason to cry. I can be nice though, this is all up to you. It’s in your hands now stop sniveling and make your choice,” He hissed practically spitting in my face his face nearly touching mine.

  
I stopped his body still on top of mine pinning me to the bed most of his weight supported by his own knees on either side of my waist as I swallowed my tears trying to stop myself from crying as he released the pressure on my finger. He was serious. He would hurt one of them just to hurt me. He would make them suffer so I could suffer and it would my fault. I swallowed nodding my head trying to keep my tears from spilling over. Trying to numb myself out as my chest heaved with every breath I managed to take my soul feeling like it was slowly dying as I knew what I was saying.

  
That I was going to have sex with him. That I was going to let him do things to me I didn’t want to do. That his mouth and his hands were going to go where they wanted to and that I couldn’t say no. If I said no he was going to hurt me. If I cried, he was going to hurt me so I needed to suck it up. Not only to keep myself safe but, to make sure everyone else was safe too.

  
“Good,” He said smiling satisfied with my nod, “You’ll play nice so I don’t have to tie you up?”

  
I nodded my head again which made his smile widen, causing my stomach to twist into a knot. He was going to make me take off my clothes and do things to me. And I couldn’t even cry about it, I wasn’t allowed to have any reaction but whatever one he wanted me to. I inhaled through my nose and then deeply through my mouth trying to keep myself calm.

  
“Do you know what you like?” He asked me, “You want me to blow you first or…just get to it?”

  
“Wh-what?” I asked dumb founded that he was asking me that not even really sure what he meant by blow.

  
“Put my mouth down…” He shifted his weight and cupped me through my pants, “here. He ran his thumb softly along me over top of my pants making me stiffen as I shook my head.

  
“Really?” He asked me, “It seems like your sensitive enough you would enjoy it. Maybe you prefer getting some back-door play?”

  
Now that reference I could guess and I shook my head vigorously. I didn’t want him touching me there either. He sighed shifting off me lifting one of his legs so his weight was no longer straddling my hips as he undid his belt still leaning on his knees on the bed looking at me as I laid there frozen him looking down at me with disdain.

  
“You can choose or I can, it’s up to you,” He said, “Either way I’m going to make you cum. And I remember how awesome that feels, having that mouth swallow you whole balls and all. It’s amazing. Maybe I should just choose huh?”

  
I felt myself trying to cry closing my eyes fighting back the tears as he tsked me, “No crying you cry I’ll give you a reason to cry I promise you. You know what I enjoy kissing it gets me going, want to kiss?”

  
He pulled his shirt off over his head and then stood up pulling off his jeans. He had no underwear on or socks or shoes standing completely naked in front of me causing me to sit up and pull myself against the headboard averting my gaze as my face turned red. I didn’t want to see him naked. It was weird. It wasn’t right. I wasn’t supposed to see anyone naked.

  
“Aww are you playing shy now? I know Daddy’s fucked you don’t pretend you’ve never seen a naked man before, it’s ok,” He taunted laying down beside me grabbing at the hem of my shirt making me pull away his smile falling.

  
“No, don’t be like that,” He warned, “Shirt off, I’ll do the rest.”

  
“Why?” I managed to barely find my voice, my question being barely audible.

  
“Because you’re beautiful. You remind me so much of him, all the things I loved about him once. Everything but those eyes. Those eyes are Dani’s through and through,” He said touching my cheek as I closed my eyes.

  
He was talking about my parents. Talking about how I looked like my Da but my eyes were mum’s. How I had the same blond hair Da had possessed when he was younger, around my age and how I was thin and tall. How I could one day be a good athlete. I never knew my Da to be quiet but more someone who demanded silence from others especially at night when he turned into that other person.

  
“No look at me, take off your shirt and look at me,” He said quietly his hand still on my cheek and I nodded my head shrugging his hand away slightly lifting my shirt up taking it off holding it in my hands as I realized how exposed I felt again, how wrong it felt to be like this, to be sitting on the bed next to him, him looking at me like that.

  
“How old are you?” he asked me suddenly his hand rubbing my collar bone gently.

  
“Almost 11,” I answered.

 

“So you’re still young,” He said and I nodded my head, “You think that’s why you’re so nervous?”

  
I felt my face heating up again as his hands went to my sides sliding down his fingers brushing my nipples as he slid me back into a laying position me exhaling through my mouth trying to remind myself I couldn’t cry, that I couldn’t say no. That I had to keep it all locked away otherwise bad things would happen to people I cared about, people I was supposed to protect.

  
“Sensitive huh?” He asked kissing my neck and throat his hands making it to my PJ pants pulling them down in one shift motion and off my legs, “Your skin taste good I wonder if the rest of you taste good.”

  
He rolled my boxer briefs down my legs letting them rest there was his lips touched my sternum. Making me whimper. I didn’t want him doing this. I didn’t want him to kiss me like that his tongue just poking out slightly licking a quick line down the center of my chest.

  
“Now, now no crying remember?” he reminded me to which I swallowed and nodded my head, “If you want to moan, and make nice sounds that’s up to you but no crying and no pleading ok baby?”

  
“Ok,” I barely whispered no able to look at him as he licked the rest of the way down my body his hand messaging me down there making me clench my thighs shut on his hand and he just laughed lightly.

  
“It’s ok, it’ll feel good. You know it feels good, you Da told me you did it two nights ago you remember how it feels. Just relax and it feels even better I promise,” He said causing me to gulp in nervousness my whole body shaking with anxiety, with the tears I wasn’t allowed to cry and the screams I wasn’t allowed to scream.

  
“Aww baby come on its ok, you’re ok,” He said looking at me using his body weight to counter act my contracting muscles prying my thighs apart with his fingers before he licked the inner part of them, a sensitive spot making me jump slightly as he ran his hands over the outside of them settling himself in-between them so I couldn’t close them again, leaning forward and kissing my base making my close my eyes again.

  
I hated that feeling my hands balling into fist as he continued to lick and kiss and suck my whole-body shuddering, my muscles contracting and expanding repeatedly again just like they had done with Da as the pressure built and I knew it was going to happen. That he was going to make me do it I wanted to tell him no.

I wanted to scream at him no and sob and I couldn’t biting into my bottom lip making sure I was quiet that I didn’t say or do anything I wasn’t supposed to trying to push myself into another place, to go somewhere else when I felt stars expand somewhere in my head everything just numbing out. I closed my eyes and felt like I was flying, I was moving so fast galaxies and universes were passing me by allowing my body to relax as my head dragged my farther and farther away from him before I crashed back into my body gasping feeling like I had just had the air knocked out of me finding my hand in his hair his arms wrapped around my legs gripping my butt as he sucked me that feeling of peeing moving through me like waves hitting a coast line my whole body shaking as he pulled away sitting up smiling at me happily.

  
“Nice,” he muttered simply kissing my jaw bone and neck as I laid there trying to be numb, mute even though I was back and I hated it. He leaned to the side grabbing something a tube of something, lube and used it on his fingers applying a generous amount before he shoved a finger inside of me making me gasps.

  
“It’s ok,” He told me, “Your Da said you enjoyed this the other night.”

  
I hated the pressure how it felt. I knew it would feel like a shock traveling up my body under my skin once he found that spot as he added another finger making me hiss in discomfort.

  
“You’re quiet,” He said to me moving his fingers around, “I don’t mind quiet but sometimes, sometimes screaming can be fun. Would you scream for me if I asked you to?” He shoved his fingers farther up into me hard making it hard to close my eyes hard to force myself to fade away somewhere this wasn’t happening.

  
He pulled his fingers out and slammed them back inside making a tear fall and he looked at me shaking his head, “Not cry, scream.”

  
I wasn’t sure how you screamed without crying unless you were having fun screaming because you were happy. He moved his fingers stabbing me hard with them forcing me open and that time I screamed. I screamed loudly as loud as I could trying to make sure I didn’t cry as he jabbed his fingers forward repeatedly before stopping and pulling them out laying on top of me.

  
“It’s ok baby,” He said kissing me forcing his tongue into my open mouth brushing against my tonsils. Making me stop screaming immediately silencing me with his tongue as his hands ran over my ribs, “See? I can hurt. Or I can be nice. It’s all up to you.”

  
I sighed deeply. I didn’t want this either way. At least he was done blowing me or so I thought as he his body smiling down at me towering over me as I continued to lay on the bed. My breathing heavy as I tried to make sure I didn’t cry.

  
“Hold on just a second, I need a condom,” he said getting up not bothering to hide the fact that he was hard. That he wanted me, “I wonder if you taste good on the inside to because boy do you taste good if not a little light on certain ingredients. If you know what I mean.”

  
He went and grabbed one putting it on excitedly before he pushed hard inside me making me hiss in pain. I didn’t like this, this didn’t feel good, this wasn’t ok. I closed my eyes again and gritted my teeth.

  
“No, open your eyes baby,” He said rolling his hips pushing himself out before he pushed in again making me want to cry but making me mewl through closed lips, “There you are beautiful. Those pretty eyes.” He pushed into me finally brushing against that spot gently enough to make me jump make me start to reharden in-between us. I wanted him to stop I desperately wanted him to stop but he didn’t grab my hips as he bucked in hard.

  
“There you go, oh god yeah,” He grunted as I tried to breathe, as I tried not to cry. I didn’t want him in my body, I didn’t want his hands on my skin and I wanted to scream, to cry to let him know that I wasn’t ok with this but, I he already knew I could tell by the way his eyes studied mine, by the way he held me to him so tightly throwing his head back and moaning every time he buried himself into me. I laid there trying to be numb trying to will myself to be silent until he was finished until he kissed my jaw again his voice sounding far away as his hands went there again and I couldn’t take it anymore my tears I’d been holding onto so tightly finally started to spill over. My mind done, my body done.

  
“You’re ok,” He said hugging me hushing me, “You’re ok. You did good. You did really good. Better than John maybe. God you’re so beautiful. Don’t cry ok? Don’t cry. It will hurt less next time. Maybe you’re cum will be more normal more full. That would be nice.”

  
I sat up hot and sticky my skin feeling like it was covered in a sheen of muck. Him rubbing my back and kissing my temple before he got up leaving me sitting there me grabbing the covers and pulling them around myself so I wasn’t nearly so exposed laying there naked in front of him.

  
“This was fun, we’ll do this again,” He said nodding his head before he grabbed his clothes and walked away shutting the door.

  
The moment he was gone I felt almost like I could breathe again before I realized how heavy my eyes felt, how tired my body was before I realized I couldn’t focus that my eyes were going cross. I had no choice but to lay back down. To allow myself to collapse. My eyes closing automatically as I started to fall asleep.

  
When I dreamed, I dreamed I was in a field that the world was gold. Everything around me. The sky, the wheat that was knee high, the clothes I wore everything. I could hear someone calling me, it sounded like mum and so I called out, called back to her but I couldn’t find her. I couldn’t see her. I started crying screaming for her, wishing I could find her, knowing she was gone and then I woke up. The air was cold feeling against my exposed skin my whole body shaking as I allowed myself to cry to sob because of so many things.

  
Because Ben hadn’t wanted me to, because I missed my mum and she couldn’t protect me, because I lied and it had cost my little brothers dearly as well as my older brother, because this was my fault. Because I had done this and I knew I deserved whatever happened to me. Because Ben had me made feel like it wasn’t because of Da but because of my body. Because of how I looked.

  
I allowed myself to cry and then I got up and pulled on my pants going upstairs where I took a shower. Where I hoped that Da would leave me alone, that Uncle Ben wouldn’t come looking for me. When I was done showering, I put my dirty pants back on and laid down the on the floor of the room Matt and Mike were sleeping in. Figuring that James had John with him, that he was safe from Da well if I left Matt and Mike alone they had no one.

  
I was woken up when Mike almost tripped over me, “Really?” I moaned rolled over realizing my neck hurt and sighing as I sat up.

  
“Why aren’t you with James?” Mike asked me, “You’ve been sleeping in the room with him for the last four day why did you come in here?”

  
“John is with him he’s safe,” I said.

  
“Safe from Da?” Matt said sitting up.

  
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“What about Uncle Ben?” Matt asked looking at me closely, “Is he like Da?”

  
I must have visibly shivered because he answered the question for himself, “He is.”

  
“Look, don’t worry about it ok I’ll do everything I can…” Matt cut me off.

  
“It doesn’t matter what you do,” He said.

  
“Are you ok?” Mike asked me.

  
“Yeah I’m fine,” I answered, lied.

  
“You’re not fine,” Matt said, “I know you.”

  
“I said I’m fine,” I insisted as there was a knock on the door and Da poked his head into the room.

  
“breakfast is ready guys,” Da said as I hugged myself where I was still sitting on the floor shirtless as he looked at me.

  
“Can we watch TV today?” Matt asked.

  
“We’ll see bud I was thinking you could all go swimming, just have some fun. Spend some time outside,” Da answered him.

  
“I don’t feel very good today Da I was wondering if I could just kind of sleep,” I said.

  
“We’ll see,” He said giving me a cold look, “You two head downstairs, John and James are already down there I need to talk with Will.”

  
They both nodded getting up and going downstairs still in their pj’s and Da left the door ajar behind them looking at me causing me to look away.

  
“You’re not sick. I know you’re not sick don’t lie,” he told me.

  
“Sorry Da, I’m tired,” I answered.

  
“He told me you were good for him,” Da said quietly, “I’m glad. He thinks you’re special you know?”

  
“Like you think John is special?” I asked him to which he shook his head, “Don’t question me. And that’s not your business. You pay attention to your uncle, mind him. He can be rough sometimes but if you’re good he’ll be nice I promise.”

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head.

  
“If he hurts you just remember he gets excited sometimes, too excited all right? It’s not his intention to hurt you he cares for you. He wants you to feel good it’s just it’s been a while since he’s had the opportunity to …spend so much time with someone so special ok?” Da said and I nodded my head again.

  
I didn’t feel like talking to him everything a veiled refence to my uncle wanting me under him, wanting to force his way into my body, to rape me. I wanted to yell at him to tell him it was wrong that the whole thing was wrong and that he shouldn’t do that to me, he shouldn’t let my uncle do that to me. I was tired my body was sore and my uncle seemed dangerous. I mean he was dangerous too but in a different way.

My uncle wanted complete control and he didn’t want it through coaxing. He wanted it through force and blackmail. That he had promised to hurt someone else if I cried even a little. That he wanted me to scream without shedding a tear otherwise he would hurt me. That’s what he had told me. Not that what he was doing hadn’t hurt anyway.

  
“Is …” I started to ask and then stopped. Was that really a word I should use? That’s what he made it sound like was he making me date him? For lack of a better word.

  
“What honey?” Da asked me.

  
“Is it like we’re dating?” I asked him.

  
“Well,” he said sitting down on the bed and patting the spot next to him causing me to look at him skeptically and stay where I was, “What do you know about dating?”

  
“I know that when people date they do those things together,” I answered, “Stuff like he …like him and I did last night.”

  
I was trying to watch the way I worded things. Because I was afraid of making him mad because mum wasn’t around to calm him down and sometimes he could be very particular about how things were said. If I said something to give him the impression that I wasn’t happy about the situation or willing to follow his rules he would be angry.

  
“Well yes, people who date do those things,” He said, “But so do Da’s and Uncles who are teaching the kids they care about how to use their bodies. You can think of it as dating if you like, if that will make it easier for you but, you can’t tell anyone that’s what it is or that’s the kind of relationship you have with us you understand why?”

  
I nodded my head. I knew it was wrong that normal people didn’t do those things because they were wrong because my body wasn’t mature and my brain wasn’t mature so it was hard for me to have rights. In the eyes of the law I didn’t have any rights I had to do what my Da told me to. So, that meant that I couldn’t say no but I also couldn’t say yes even if I had wanted to. I knew that people went to jail for having sex with kids all the time. Kids older than I was. I wasn’t stupid enough to tell anyone I was dating my uncle.

  
“Is the guy you’re working for like you?” I asked.

  
“What do you mean honey?” He asked me

.  
“That he dates his kids or his nephews and nieces,” I answered.

  
“Well,” Da said, “He dates other people’s kids yes, not exclusively but yeah he enjoys spending time with them. Teaching them why are you asking?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “Is he allowed to hurt me? Uncle Ben I mean.”

 

“It might make you feel a little uncomfortable sometimes but it doesn’t really hurt you. Just do what he tells you ok?” Da said giving me a look of disbelief.

  
“What if he tells me to do something bad?” I asked him.

  
“You won’t get into trouble if you do what he says,” He promised me.

  
“What if he…,” I struggled to say the words.

  
“Well spit it out,” he said being impatient.

  
“I don’t like it when…when he puts his mouth down there,” I barely managed to get out.

  
Da laughed lightly, “He’s only done it once and why on earth not most guys love it?”

  
“It feels weird,” I said.

  
“Oh honey, that’s just your body telling you it likes it. You’re growing up that’s all that is I promise ok? If uncle Ben starts to hurt when he does that tell him. He told me he’s working very hard to be better at that because he cares about you so much so if anything, ever hurts when he does that tell him right away ok?” He said.

  
“Why would it hurt? Usually that just feels weird it doesn’t hurt.”

  
“Well there are lot of fluids involved when it comes to sex and that’s called seamen it’s a fluid ok? A lot of people use it to make a baby that’s what it’s for but some people both men and women like the way it tastes sometimes. So, they’ll try and drink as much of it as they can and after a while if someone keeps trying to get it, it can hurt. So just tell him it hurts ok?”

  
“What if I don’t want him to?” I asked him.

  
“To stop? That’s up to you but you’re going to be in a lot of pain and it’s going to hurt to pee,” Da answered.

  
“No, to…put his mouth there,” I asked him.

  
“Well, just do what he tells you to ok?” Da answered and I nodded my head.

  
I hated the idea of doing that with him more than anything else or so I thought at the time. How gross it made me feel having his spit on my skin even after I put my clothes back on. Having sex with him didn’t even cause as much turmoil as having to lay there while he wrapped his arms around my thighs and pulled my legs apart and licked and sucked and kissed. At least if he was raping me it didn’t always feel weird and sometimes was just painful and not something else. Not a mixture that set my skin on fire and my brain reeling from a lack of control.

  
“He likes you. He told me so,” Da said suddenly causing me to frown at him, “He says you’re very attractive and I agree but I don’t think I have made any ugly children.”

  
“No but you think John is the best looking,” I said.

  
“Hey I told you to leave that alone and John is special to me ok? You don’t need to worry about John,” Da said.

  
“If he’s special why did you let Uncle Ben hurt him?” I asked.

  
“Uncle Ben wasn’t hurting him,” Da answered me, “Uncle Ben was welcoming him back. It didn’t hurt him at all.”

  
“No da it hurts. It does,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Him? Not anymore you know how often he’s been used? He’s used to it I promise you. You don’t need to worry about him. He likes it. You can ask him anytime you like,” Da said to me.

  
I knew that was a lie. I knew because I felt what he felt. I had heard his screaming the first time I had walked in on Uncle Ben with him. I had listened to his sniffles as he tried hard not to cry at night when he found out we were coming back here. Coming back to uncle Ben.

Maybe it didn’t physically hurt him but, it tore him up in other ways, emotionally. It was like a wood chipper pulling him in and spitting him back out only for him to magically be repaired once it stopped just to have it all happen again the next night. I wondered how long it would take before the pieces no longer fit back together again. How long both of us had before things fell apart and we couldn’t protect ourselves let alone anyone else. Not that things seemed to be going in our favor anyway.  
“Do you need to ask him? To believe me?” He questioned me.

  
“No,” I answered shaking my head, “I believe you.”

  
“Good. John came and talked to me yesterday. He said he wants me to be with him. If he didn’t like it why would he ask me to be with only him?” Da questioned me.

  
I knew the answer. Because he didn’t want Da to be with anyone else. He didn’t want to put anyone else through that. Through having Da on top of them saying those terrible things that Da probably said to him, that I knew Da said to me.

  
“I don’t know,” I lied not able to look my Da in the face as I did it.

  
“Has to be because he wants do there is no other rational reason for it. You’re smart Will you know this. So, can I tell your Uncle you’re good for it? That you agree you want him to teach you instead of me? I mean that doesn’t mean we won’t spent time together I’m sure we will but it just means you’ll spent that type of time with him ok?” Da said, “It’s called a contract. He still has to talk to me before he introduces you to people and he can’t make you do things with other people but, you’ll be his special boy ok?”

  
“Contract and other people Da? What are you talking…” he cut me off.

  
“Well you asked about my new job, right? I met a friend when we were in London and he offered me a lot of money to take this job because he saw pictures of you kids and he thought just like your uncle and I think that you’re very special and you deserve to be treated like you’re special. He has a group of friends that feel the same way. We moved here so that you could hang out with the boys of these men. So, you can grow up in a community of people who think the same way you do, have learned things the same way you have. You understand?” Da asked me.

 

“I think so,” I said nodding my head, “So I have to have sex with these other people?”

  
“It’s not sex they are teaching you honey. They are teaching you how to use your body how to be a man ok?” He said, “Don’t call it sex call it lessons or studying ok?”

  
“Ok Da,” I said.

  
“Good I’m glad you understand, your uncle said you were a good boy for him,” Da repeated, “You should be happy your uncle loves you so much sometimes it takes years for a boy to find someone special that feels the same way about him. Until then his Da in charge of who gives him lessons and sometimes especially when guys are busy like I am Da’s aren’t always super choosey with who teaches their kids. That won’t be a problem for you though because your uncle cares about you that much. It’s just too bad for my beautiful Johnny that a kids own Da can’t contract them.”

  
He got up and walked away. I didn’t know if he thought I was stupid or smart nothing be said directly but only hinted at. That other guys could have sex with me if he wanted them to. If my uncle wanted them to. That my uncle was the person I was supposed to have sex with and that he wanted that from me.

  
“Let’s go downstairs and eat huh?” He said to me and I nodded my head hoping he didn’t touch me when I got up off the floor. He didn’t. I moved to my suitcase and pulled out a shirt pulling it on and over my head as he waited in the door way for me to go downstairs and eat breakfast with my brothers.


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will and his brothers explore the indoor pool but learn there are certian rules if you want to use it that make everyone feel uncomfortable. James has questions Will isn't even sure he can answer and Will's feelings are beyond conflicted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warnings:** Rape/non-con, forced Oral sex, skinny dipping (not the fun kind) It's going to start picking up and getting more interesting soon it just takes time because I'm going through some of same events you've already seen just from a different point of view. You also get to see other events though like the tour of st. Mathews you start to learn more about Ben that you don't get see as much of from John's POV. Again don't like rape, just write about, raping is not cool it changes someone's life forever.Please tell me you wish death on my villains as well this will make me giggle with delight because well yeah, I want people to share my loathing of them with me. This is unbetaed so if you see any spelling or grammar errors that need fixing let me know so I can fix it. Thanks.

I remember feeling unusually small as I sat down at the table next to Matty. Uncle Ben smiling at me from the seat across from me as I sat down someone passing me the stack of pancakes that made my stomach turn just looking at them. I didn’t want to sit at a table with Uncle Ben, with Da. I didn’t want to be there. I was tired and my body was sore from the night before and having slept on the floor of the guest room.  
“So, we’re going to swim today?” Matt asked Da as he sat down.

  
“Yeah, I think so it’s a nice day so we’ll go outside,” Da said, “Just have an outdoor type of day maybe play a round or two of tennis. What you boys think?”

  
I looked at John he looked exhausted just like I did. Swimming was not something I felt like doing that day nor was tennis honestly, I just wanted to sleep. Try and sleep away everything that had happened the night before including the talk that Da had given me about lessons and contracting and all the other crazy sounding shit he had said to me. I honestly just wanted everything to fade away and I felt like I couldn’t do that in a pool full of water.

  
“I don’t know Da,” John said quietly, “I don’t feel very good.”

  
“Me neither,” I agreed.

  
“Well how about you two lay down for a while just in case you’re coming down with something and Mike and Matt go swimming with Uncle Ben?” Da asked us to which we both shook our heads.

  
We didn’t want him anywhere with them alone. Not even close. I sighed looking at John knowing he was probably getting the worst of it, knowing that having to spend time with Uncle Ben would kill him.

  
“I think I feel ok enough to go swimming, I might need a nap later though,” I said to which Da smiled at me nodding his head.

  
“Good,” Da said, “And then you and Uncle Ben can work on those lessons later maybe?”

  
I shrugged my shoulder not wanting to answer. Knowing what he was talking about and knowing I couldn’t say no but not wanting to say yes. Not wanting to make it seem like it was something I wanted.

  
Matty wrinkled his nose, “He doesn’t need lessons he’s super smart. They skipped him ahead a grade.”

  
“Speaking of,” Da said, “Are you guys ready to start school? We have the school tour on Monday I think we’re only touring the middle and lower building on campus but I need to go over across the street to the saint Bernadette’s campus as well to look at their lower school.”

  
“What’s it going to be like?” Mikey asked.

  
“Well you’ll be coming home after school every day so that part is going to seem really different to you guys. You’ll be taught by priest mum said she didn’t want the American lifestyle to corrupt you so it’s a catholic school. You’ll still have uniforms like back home that you’ll wear and school work every night but you’ll sleep in your own beds here at home and we’ll be together as a family,” Da answered his question.

  
“Da?” John said quietly not looking up from his plate where his food had barely been touched, “I don’t feel very well.”

  
“Ok John you can go upstairs and lay down,” Da said nodding his head and touching John’s shoulder gently as he walked by Da’s seat to go upstairs.

  
I watched John’s shoulders tense and I felt something there but I wasn’t sure what it was. I was sure it was bad and something John didn’t want me to question but I wanted desperately to make sure he was ok. I felt tired too but I wasn’t about to leave the three of them alone with Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben whose blue eyes hadn’t left my form since I had sat down at the table. Uncle Ben who I knew wanted to see me naked and Da had made very clear that was the idea.

  
“I think we should go swim for sure,” Ben said smiling as he took a bite of food swallowing before he spoke again, “It won’t be long before school starts and there won’t be much time for swimming.”

  
“I wouldn’t mind it,” James said quietly speaking for the first time in days.

  
“Then that settles it we’ll go swimming, Will can you take everyone up and help James get his suit on?” Ben asked me and I nodded my head as I started to clear the plates and put them in the sink.

  
Ben came up close behind me grabbing the plates out of my hand putting his other hand gently on my hip as he whispered over my shoulder, “No I got it you’re ok go upstairs and help.” He said as I turned to see everyone else going up stairs.

  
When I caught up to everyone Mike and Matt were in their guest room and I could hear them talking and I knocked on the door to the room I had been sharing mostly with James and John to find half of James’ suit case scattered on the floor as he looked through his clothes for his swim suit.

  
“You’re making a mess,” I said.

  
“I know I’m just looking for it,” He said quietly frowning as he went through his bag throwing more clothes on the floor.

  
“It might be in John’s bag,” I said remembering John had helped me pack James’ clothes to which I went over and opened it finding a little plastic bag labeled Jay on the top and sure enough there it was tucked safely inside of it, “It’s right here Jay.”

  
“Oh, thanks,” He said grabbing it and looking at me reluctantly, “Where is John I thought he was coming upstairs to lay down.”

  
“I thought he was too,” I said quietly.

  
James looked at me as I grabbed my suit out of my bag before going to pull off my shirt. I looked at him knowing what was probably wrong. Knowing how I felt that first time for a while. How I still felt that way very often, “You want me to turn around or go into the bathroom?” I asked him.

  
He bit his lip and nodded his head. It felt weird being naked in front of people after even if it was just to change your clothes. I was glad he was speaking again and I didn’t want to scare him but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it either.

  
“Ok,” I said, “I’ll change in the bathroom, you change in here ok? Let me know if you need help.”

  
“Ok,” He said quietly as I grabbed my suit heading to the bathroom down the hall.

  
I put my suit on quickly feeling naked without a shirt, knowing it would grab more attention than I wanted knocking on the door as I headed back into the bedroom to find James trying to tie the draw string on his trunks.

  
“Do you need some help?” I asked him quietly.

  
“I…yeah,” James said quietly.

  
“There’s nothing wrong with needing help,” I said to him. Leaning over and taking the draw string on his pants in my hands him sucking in his tiny six-year-old belly out of nervousness my hands being close to his skin as I quickly tied it for him before pulling away.

  
“You don’t think he’s going to hurt me, again do you?” He asked me drawing my attention back to him as I walked over to his bag with a handful of clothes off the floor putting them back in his suit case.

  
“I hope not bud,” I said not sure what to say. Not wanting to lie to him.

  
“Why did mum make us come here?” He asked me.

  
“Because she thought…she didn’t think it would be like this,” I answered him.

  
“What did I do? Was I bad?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I told him trying to figure out how to explain it, “Da is…he’s sick.”

  
“But he doesn’t have fever and he’s not coughing,” James said.

  
“Not that type of sick you know how sometimes you feel really sad or sometimes your head hurts but it doesn’t always come with a fever or a cough? Da is sick like that kind of he’s sick in his head. I don’t know if you can understand that but, it’s something we can’t see.”

  
“Is he going to get better soon?” James asked me.

  
“I don’t think there’s anything that can make him better,” I answered quietly, “We just have to be careful.”

  
“Careful how?” James asked.

  
“Don’t be alone with him if you can help it,” I answered, “Make sure you do what he says or you avoid him. I want you to try to never be alone with him. Not because you did something wrong to make him hurt you but, because he might hurt you because he’s sick ok?”

  
“Ok,” James said nodding his head, “I feel naked with no shirt.”

  
“Me too,” I agreed grabbing a white t-shirt out of my own suit case and pulling it on over my head, “Let’s go swim ok?”

  
He agreed and we went downstairs where Uncle Ben was standing, “You know what guys I think maybe we should swim inside,” He said suddenly taking us into the formal living room which had a set of double doors that lead off it into a giant room. It was a pool room the blood a glistening blue of still water ceramic tiles with little dolphins on it embordering the pool making it look fancy.

  
“This pool is awesome,” Matt said, “Better than the one at school.” He stuck his toe in it and then backed up getting ready to jump in.

  
“No, wait,” he said grabbing Matt’s elbow. This pool is special. The water is special so this pool needs us to be naked so we can swim in it.”

  
We all stopped looking at him. While we’d seen each other naked a million times Mike and Matt and James had never seen Uncle Ben naked and they looked at him confused as I crossed my arms over my chest. I didn’t want to be naked with him anytime soon and I didn’t think it was right to have my little brothers be naked in front of him.

  
“Why can’t we swim outside?” James asked.

  
“Because it’s a little hot out there,” Uncle Ben said taking off his swim trunks so he was naked, “Come on guys hop in.”

  
We walked down the stairs into the water looking at me moving his hands making the water wave slightly around him, “I bet you I can swim best.”

  
“I’m pretty sure you can,” I answered looking at him.

  
“You don’t want to race me?” He asked giving me this look that said he meant more than just a race.

  
“I’m good,” I answered quietly.

  
“Is anyone going to take off their suits and hop in?” He asked to which James moved behind me hugging my waist.

  
“Aww, don’t be shy guys come on, it’s not a big deal we’re all guys, right?” He said to which Matt and Mike looked at me questioning the requests.

  
“I-I think we should keep them on,” I said.

  
“William,” Ben said his eyes flashing, “Take it off and show your brothers it’s fine.”

  
I felt myself blush at the idea. I didn’t want to be naked in front of him, not with them, “I’m ok not swimming,” I answered.

  
“If you can’t do what I tell you, all of you can go to your rooms,” Ben said, “I’m in charge you do what I say. You want to swim you take off your suits and you get in the water or you go upstairs for a time out.”

  
I felt like a time out for me wasn’t going to be upstairs but I didn’t want to risk him touching me in front of them. Mike sighed sliding his shorts off and getting into the water going over to where it was up to his chest and looking at everyone.

  
“I don’t want a time out for being bad,” He said shrugging his shoulders as Matty walked into the water joining him.

  
“I don’t want to,” James said squeezing me around the waist tighter.

  
“I know,” I said nodding my head, “it’s ok.”

  
“Will,” Uncle Ben said moving towards Matt and Mike, “Are you coming?”

  
“I can’t leave him alone,” I answered quietly.

  
“But you would leave them alone?” He asked me guesting his head towards them.

  
“We’re not alone we’re with you,” Matty pointed out.

  
“How about James sits by the pool and you hop in William?” Ben asked me.

  
“I’m not…” He cut me off.

  
“Get in now.”

  
I sighed remembering what Da had said. Do what he says and you’ll be fine. I felt my throat go dry as I tried to swallow my hands going to the hem of my shirt grabbing the fabric in my hands nervously. I knew I couldn’t leave them alone with him. Knew that it would probably be a bad idea to do so but not wanting to leave James feeling alone.

  
“Hey bud if I do will you do it too?” I asked him before getting down on my knees next to him so I was closer to eye level with him, “I’m nervous too so could you help me feel a little better about it? We’ll get into the water at the same time ok?”

  
“Ok,” he said in barely a whisper taking the draw string in his hands and undoing his little tiny shorts sliding from his hips as I lifted my shirt up over my head undoing the button on the front of my own shorts pulling them off.

  
“What’s that dark spot?” Matt asked looking at my waist.

  
“Matt!” I scoffed realizing how close he was to looking at other parts of me.

  
“what? It looked weird,” Matt said and I looked down noting the round dark spot between my belly button and the base of my penis realizing what it was.

  
“It’s nothing,” I said grabbing James in my arms and getting into the water quickly.

  
“It looked like a bruise,” Matt said.

  
“It’s nothing,” I said holding onto James because he was still young and didn’t have water wings to wear as I felt Uncle Ben’s eyes on me, assessing me.

  
“James hugged me burying his face in my shoulder before he whispered into my ear, “He’s sick like Da?”

  
“Yeah bud,” I said rubbing his back as I bobbed with him in the water, “It’s ok though I won’t let him hurt you.”

  
“We’re not going to play weird naked games, are we?” Mike asked Uncle Ben which caused Ben to look at him.

  
“No,” Ben said, “We can race or play water tag if you want, Marco Polo anything you want.”

  
“I’ll play Marco polo,” Matt said before Mike swam a few feet away closing his eyes.

  
“I’m it first!” he said excitedly closing his eyes and spinning himself in a circle.

  
“Ok everyone stays in the shallow end,” Ben said swimming back over, “James you can cheat and be really quiet. Come here buddy I’ll take you to the stairs.”

  
He held out his arms for him and I sighed as James hugged me around the neck tighter trying to draw himself away from Ben’s hands.

  
“I got him,” I said turning and walking towards the steps and setting him down on it, “Stay right here ok? You don’t have to close your eyes or anything.”

  
“You promise?” He said, “Because if he’s sick like Da if I close my eyes he might…”

  
“I know bud that’s why you don’t close your eyes ok?” I said to him, “Unless you see him coming towards me then you close your eyes tight and you don’t open them for anything ok?”

  
James’ eyes went wide understanding what I was saying, what I meant, “They hurt you too?” he asked me forgetting that night, that I had said I knew how bad it hurt that I had hurt too. I wasn’t sure what to say knowing that this wasn’t the time or place to talk about it.

  
“We’ll talk about it later ok?” I said and he nodded his head.

  
“Ok everyone ready?” Ben said clapping his hands as Mike and Matt smiled and both closed their eyes.

Mike crowed from where he was standing “Marco!”

  
“Polo” Matt and Ben and I said in unison starting to move around the pool.

  
“Marco,” Matt said again moving as we moved.

  
“Polo,” we all said again as I noticed Ben moving towards me out of the corner of my eye and tried to move away.

  
“Marco,” Matt said again getting closer to Matt as Ben closed the distance between us grabbing me hard by the shoulders.

  
“Polo,” We both said him looking at me as Matt looked over at us and I hoped James was closing his eyes.

  
“He wrapped his arms around me and I could tell he wanted to kiss me. But I didn’t want to kiss him and Matt was watching at least I was pretty sure he was watching as he used his hand to tip my chin up gently.

  
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered me feeling frozen in fear as Matt faked a cough.

  
“Marco,” Mike said

  
“Don’t,” I whispered back his hand on the back of my neck.

  
“Just a little they don’t have to know,” He whispered back.

  
“Polo…” Matt said slowly.

  
“Matt is watching,” I pointed out in a whisper.

  
“Hey you’re all supposed to say it not just Matt,” Mike whined.

  
“Polo,” We both said.

  
“So, just tell him it’s pretend,” He said and I shook my head.

  
“Marco,” Mike said getting closer to us.

  
“I’m done,” I said quietly as he pushed me back hard against the side of the pool my back scratched against it making me hiss out in pain.

  
“You hurt him,” Matt said frowning coming up to us.

  
“You want him involved? Want me to spend time with him instead?” Ben asked me.

  
I shook my head. I didn’t want that of course I didn’t want that. I would have to be crazy to be willing to let that happen.

  
“Then get him to back off,” Ben said before he said loudly, “That’s enough playing in the pool for now guys let’s get out and get dressed.”

  
“What?” Mike said, “I haven’t even caught anyone yet”

  
He sounded disappointed with the whole thing but sighed getting up out of the pool, “Come on you guys lets go watch TV,” Mike said.

  
Matt looked at Ben and I where he was still standing somewhat close to us his eyes moving quickly between the two of us, “What’s…”

  
“Later,” I said looking at him as uncle Ben let me go but didn’t move away giving me space to leave or get out of the pool, “Just go.”

  
“Will?” James asked me quietly from where he was standing on the stairs.

  
“Its ok Jay go with Mike and Matt,” I said to which he sighed getting out of the pool grabbing his swim suit as Mike looked at us before grabbing James’ hand.

  
“Are you coming?” Mike and Matt asked in unison.

  
“Give us a minute and he’ll be up,” Uncle Ben said to which they both looked at me and I nodded my head not able to look them in the eyes knowing I wouldn’t be up until he allowed me to leave. Uncle Ben waited a minute and turned to make sure they were gone because he wrapped his arms around my naked waist making my heart pound making it hard to breathe.

  
“It’s ok,” He said running his hand down my chest, “You know I didn’t mean to bruise you, right?”

  
I nodded my head. I was scared to ask but I felt like I needed to know. Like it was important to know so I could check out. So, I didn’t have to be there mentally when I was caught by surprise.

  
“Wh-wh-what are go-going t-to do to me?” I asked him quietly.

  
“Nothing bad,” he said his eyes not leaving mine, “I love you I think.”

  
“Uncle Ben…” I barely managed.

  
“Ben baby, just Ben,” He said kissing my neck biting lightly.

  
“Ben, please…” I said closing my eyes digging my nails into his shoulders as I bit into my bottom lip to keep from crying.

  
“I know,” He breathed, “God you taste so good.” He said using the water and his body to force my legs around his waist keeping us pinned up against the side of the pool.

  
I was literally frozen. I hated this. I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t do anything to stop him as he rubbed his penis against mine making my eyes go wide as I whimpered into his shoulder.

  
“It’s ok, I don’t have lube so we can’t really do that much I just want to taste you ok? Feel you,” he muttered as I felt my face get hot, “You’re so sexy it’s really cute when you blush.”

  
I knew my breathing was shallow and fast that I was panting his hands rubbing up and down my spine as I tried to breathe. I wanted him to let me go but I knew I couldn’t push him away. That I wasn’t allowed to push him away. That I had to do what he said as he grinded against me. Lifting me up over the edge of the pool kissing my inner thigh.

  
“It’s ok,” he said nodding against my leg, “I just want to make you feel good that’s all.”

  
I shook my head closing my eyes making sure I kept my mouth shut as I felt his tongue pass over my tip. This was a nightmare. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want him touching me there, he took me into his mouth making sucking sounds making my whole-body tense, my back arching involuntarily. He put his hands on my thighs and I grabbed the tops of them trying to dig my nails in trying to get him to stop without pushing him away or verbally telling him no that I didn’t want to. That I wasn’t ok with him doing this.

  
I started wheezing. It got harder to breathe so hard, panting wasn’t working anymore. My breath kept stopping getting caught in my throat me making a rasping noise when I was finally able to pull air into my lungs every couple of seconds as I stayed quiet my eyes trying to roll as things got too hard. My body feeling too hot too much pressure ripping through me down there making me feel like I had to piss again my whole body feeling tight too tight to be comfortable anymore as I tried to focus on something else.

  
Anything else other than the noises he was making and the feeling of his tongue and mouth down there as he rubbed my thighs and butt grabbing my hips and the small of my back occasionally pushing me closer to him, making it easier for him to take me all the way into his mouth. My lower back scrapping against the textured tile scratching my skin as he kept dragging me back to the edge of the pool but the pain not enough to keep my body from responding like he wanted it to.

  
“Wa…” I managed before my eyes rolled my whole body shaking in orgasm before it went slack his sucking getting stronger for a minute before he pulled away kissing the inside of my left thigh and smiling at me.

  
“You taste so good,” He said using his arms to pull himself up over the side of the pool to lay next to me, “God I’d fuck you right now if I wasn’t afraid to hurt you.”

  
I turned over onto my side facing away from him my body still shaking. I hadn’t wanted to do that. I wasn’t ok with that. And my brother had seen, or at least seen him look at me like that. I wasn’t ok with that my whole body overly sensitive when he reached out and touched my shoulder.

  
“Come on, you’re mine don’t be like that,” He said to which I turned around not able to look him in the eyes. Knowing the look he was giving me. That if I wasn’t careful he’d probably bend me over and shove himself inside of me making it burn all over again when it felt like it had just stopped hurting from last time.

  
“Look at me sexy,” he said grabbing my chin tipping my face upward so my eyes met his, “You ok? Are you just still unsure because it feels a little weird before you orgasm? You’ll get used to it. I know it can leave you breathless. Hell, it still leaves me breathless and I’m almost an old man compared to you.”

  
I nodded my head trying to turn my head back down before he grabbed my chin again tilting it back up as I closed my eyes trying to keep myself from crying.

  
“No crying you’re a big boy remember?” He said to me and nodded my head, “God how are you so fucking sexy even when your near tears?”

  
He rubbed the back of my neck licking his lips lightly as he looked at me, “You’ve gone so quiet, can you tell me why?” He asked sitting back with his legs crossed giving me some space taking his hands off me.

  
“I don’t…” I squeaked and cleared my throat trying again, “I don’t feel like I have anything to say.”

  
“I like listening to your voice though,” he said, “Maybe we should work on not crying later? You seem like you’ll be easy to train so maybe we should take a break for a while from the not crying because you’re not making sounds at all.

  
“It’s…it’s hard to breathe,” I said.

  
“What do you mean baby?” He asked me.

  
“When…when…you…do that,” I answered him quietly.

  
“It’s called sucking you off. We’ll work on teaching you how to breathe through it ok?” He said and I nodded my head.

  
I didn’t want to learn how to breathe through it. I didn’t want him to do it. I knew I didn’t have a choice but I didn’t want him to do it at all.

  
He bit his lower lip smiling at me before ruffling my hair and standing up holding out his hand for me to take, “Come on, we’re going to go practice something ok?”

  
I didn’t want to take his hand but I thought about what Da had said. How I was his how I belonged to him and as long as I did what he told me to he wouldn’t hurt me. How Da had made it sound like he was dangerous like he could really hurt me if I didn’t do what I was told. So I sighed taking his hand and he walked me through the house naked down the basement stairs and opened up the door to the same blood red room he had taken me into before. The one where he had raped me before as he had told me how good I felt as he had made me body do those weird things, sending that tickling through my skin and just looking at the bed I felt my body wanting to shiver, to shake with fear as I stopped. Not wanting it to happen.


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rape, obviously lots of rape and Will explains things to his younger brothers about the situation, how it's important to try and not be alone with Da or Uncle Ben where they ask some interesting questions he's not sure how to answer. He starts to worry about John and where John might be, how he is doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VERY GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF RAPE RIGHT OFF THE BAT!!! Ok you're on page 67. **Warnings:** Rape/non-con, talk of sex, sex education, talk of sexual assault, talk of child abuse,talk of poop because two of the characters are 8 and poop comes out your ass and that's what they know about butts pretty much

“No come on its ok, I won’t hurt you,” he said turning to me and rubbing my shoulders as he shut the door behind me, “I promise I’ve been working very hard to make sure I’m gentle ok? You don’t have to worry about not crying now but we’re going to work on your breathing ok? Go lay down.”

  
I numbly moved towards the bed that looked like a normal bed instead of the other one with the square of mattress missing out of the foot. I sat down on the edge of the bed trying to brace myself against whatever he was going to do as he moved around the room talking to me saying things even though I wasn’t listening until a couple words caught my attention.

  
“Prostates are really sensitive,” He said, “More sensitive than even the tip of the penis those orgasms can be explosive so if you can handle that while managing the still breathe then you can manage penis play. So, we’ll start there.”

  
He turned around coming towards me setting a bottle of lube and some condoms on the bed beside me as he kissed my cheek sitting down next to me popping open the tube on the lube and putting some on his hands.

  
“Lay back and spread your legs,” he said causing me to sit up in surprise and fear.

  
I felt my eyes burn and lips start to tremble as I started to cry shaking my head. I didn’t want whatever he was going to do. He put his hand in the middle of my chest rubbing a small circle into my sternum with his fingertips as he started forcing me to lay down. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him to do this. I didn’t want him on top of me. I didn’t want him to say those things to me.

  
“Shhh…it’s ok baby,” He said, “I won’t hurt you. It’ll feel weird but it’ll fee good after a little bit. Now just lay back and spread your legs.” He said kissing my cheek and then my neck before forcing his tongue into my mouth making me whimper grabbing his shoulders and squeezing my hands too small to really make a difference as he pushed me down using his body weight.

  
He pushed on my knees making them bend breaking the kiss as he reached over putting more lube on his hands a big glob on one of his fingers before he leaned down shoving it inside of me the feeling shocking me. It felt like my body was full like it was being invaded an uncomfortable fullness against my body the pressure too much as he started to move it in and out looking for something before he shoved another finger inside of me making me cry.

  
“It hurts!” I told him struggling against the feeling of having to crap as he pushed his fingers in and out of my body.

  
I wiggled moving my hips up trying to get away as he forced my body back down by putting his hand on my stomach smiling at me as I tried to relieve the pressure by moving a different way before he said something I wasn’t expecting, “That’s it baby fuck yourself on my fingers if that makes it feel better. It’ll make it feel good I promise.”

  
“Please, it hurts,” I told him again still moving my hips to try and relieve the pressure, to get his fingers out of me before he found my prostate making my back arch and making me moan with my mouth closed.  
“That’s right baby, that’s right fuck yourself on my fingers,” He said again as I quit moving my hips not wanting to hear him say that but the pain and pleasure becoming mixed becoming too much as his fingers started moving in and out deeper and slower, “God you feel so good inside,” He said kissing my neck and chest.

  
“Please,” I whimpered, “Please…”

  
“Oh, I know baby I’m trying, I’m trying to make you cum,” He whispered into my neck, “If you fuck yourself on my fingers again it’ll happen faster.”

  
I shook my head covering my eyes with my hands not wanting him to see me cry. Not wanting him to know I was that easy to manipulate, to get me to obey what he told me. I felt myself fully harden under his touch even though his hand hadn’t touched my penis my body buzzing.

  
“God, I want to fuck you,” He said panting into my skin as he moved his fingers against my prostate, “I want to fuck you so bad baby.”

  
He stopped but only for a second, only long enough to push inside of me grabbing my neck forcing his tongue past my lips as I moaned the intrusion not hurting anymore but causing my discomfort to grow, sending my body reeling after a thrust or two as he found that spot again making me start to feel wet around my tip like something bad was happening as he continued to nibble and kiss on my chest and nipples.

  
“Oh, fuck yeah,” He moaned pulling away from my face bringing one of his hands to my hips, “You feel even better bare.”

  
I started crying, whimpering. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him inside of me, I wanted him to go away to leave me alone. I felt like I would never be able to wash him off my skin when he was finished if he ever did finish.

  
“Oh, fuck you feel so good, another squeeze like that and I’m done for baby,” He said leaning back pushing his pelvis forward into me grabbing my thighs and wrapping my legs around his waist forcefully as something about his angle changed as he brought me closer to the edge the movement directly on top of that spot making me gasps before a little moan escaped.

  
“Feels good huh baby? That’s right moan for me let me know it feels good because I know for me right now you feel fucking amazing,” He said moving his hips forward burying himself in me as my whole body shivered my eyes rolling and he made some sort of strangled cry above me falling forward wrapping his arms around me as I felt a burst of hot liquid coat my insides.

  
“Oh, my fucking god so good,” He rasped kissing my chest and collar bone as I laid there limply, “You know what I wish I could do?”

  
He stopped, staring at me when I didn’t say anything. I just wanted him to leave me alone. This wasn’t my idea of anything pleasant, being trapped under my rapist as he told me what he wished he could do to me. I just wanted to leave. Wanted to find an escape of some kind. Find away where even if my body was trapped there I didn’t have to be there.

  
“You should answer when someone asks you a question,” He said squeezing my shoulder making me gasps in pain.

  
“Sorry,” I said quietly, “Wh-what do you wish you could do?”

  
I avoided his eyes the way they were looking at me. It told me whatever his answer was it was something I didn’t want to hear. That would make my stomach ripple and feel sour just as bad as hearing him call me sexy or him telling me I felt good.  
“I wish I could suck your cock and fuck you at the same time,” He said, “You tastes as good as you feel inside. It would be the best of both worlds. And you’re still young enough if I wanted to I could make you cum again. I could make you cum again right now.

  
He leaned into my face, brushing his nose against mine kissing my lips as I cried silently, “What’ wrong baby? You’re crying can you tell me what’s wrong?”

  
He asked me his hands brushing up and down my rib cage as he laid directly on top of me pinning me underneath him. I felt like I was drowning, like his body was the water I was downing in as he kept me there pinned to the bed his hands all over me, moving lower and lower towards my waist and then back up his thumbs brushing against my nipples sending shivers down my spine.

  
“Please,” I whispered into his mouth closing my eyes so I didn’t have to watch his gaze dig into my soul.

  
“Please what sexy?” He asked me making me swallow as I tried to stop my eyes from burning.

  
“Please stop,” I finally said the word feeling his fingers tighten on my sides.

  
“You’re mine remember? I tell you what to do not the other way around. The only reason I’m not hurting you is because you asked nicely but I don’t want to hear that word from you again you understand baby?” He said and I nodded my head averting my eyes from his.

  
So, that’s how this was going to be. Like Da. With Da you weren’t allowed to tell him no on anything or to stop. John knew that well enough. Ben’s tongue dipped into my belly button before he kissed the hicky he had left below it making me close my eyes as I tried to keep myself calm knowing where his mouth was about to go. That he was going to make me hate myself.

  
I wanted to kick him in the face as he looked up at me smiling, “I didn’t mean to leave this here you know,” He said running his tongue over it in a circle making me pant as it tickled my skin causing goose bumps to rise all over my body, “You just tastes so good I got a little carried away. I didn’t even notice it until Matt pointed it out. Guess next time we want to go skinny dipping we have to be more careful huh?”

  
I made a hiccupping sound not looking at him laying flat on my back waiting to feel that wetness around me. Waiting was almost as bad as the actual act itself as he licked and kissed my pelvis biting it slightly in different places making me moan which made him excited gripping at my hips tight nipping my inner thigh.

  
“Ouch,” I muttered putting my hand over my mouth trying to keep myself quiet.

  
“No, no baby,” He said grabbing my hand and pulling it away from my face, “We’re working on making noises remember? That’s what we’re doing this for. No muffling them all, right? If you want to cry you can, or moan just no telling me what to do ok?”  
I closed my eyes swallowing nodding my head as he settled between my legs fully his hands on my hips again one second and then the next wrapping his forearms around my thighs like he had before so I couldn’t close my legs, so I couldn’t block his access to my butt and genitals.

  
I didn’t want that. I didn’t want that I wasn’t ok with that. I wanted him to let me go but, I knew I couldn’t say that.

  
“Ahh…” escaped before I could stop myself my face turning red as he peered up at me through his eyelashes.

  
“That’s a nice sound,” he said before sliding his mouth over me my muscles tensing as I tried to relax my body tried to just go slack the task I had given myself seeming impossible as he deep throated me before pulling away and licking up and down my shaft making my mouth go wide as I made a little hiccup like sound my body reacting, the way he wanted it to making him laugh lightly as his tongue teased my slit before my whole body tensed up, getting ready to orgasm. Me trying to hold back as he sucked on my testacies before I nearly exploded him wrapping his lips back around me and sucking.

  
When my body was done shivering, and shuddering he pulled away sighing, “That was a dry one that’s ok though can’t expect it every time you’re still young.” He said brushing my hair back from my forehead, “God you’re fucking sexy, so sexy,” He said peppering my forehead and face with kisses as I kept my eyes closed my chest heaving, “You’re probably tired huh?”

  
I nodded my head licking my dry lips not bothering to open my eyes. I didn’t want to see him. See him watching me with that look in his eyes. That look of lust and satisfaction that he had stolen my breath and made me do what he wanted me to do. That he had gotten the reaction he desired.

  
“That’s mouth, those lips,” He said his thumb brushing my bottom lip making me stifle a sob.

  
I didn’t want anymore, I couldn’t do anymore. No longer able to control my crying. I another sob ripped free before I could stop it I just wanted him off me. I just wanted him to leave me alone.

  
“Oh, baby it’s ok, you did good I’m really happy don’t sob,” he said hugging me as it got even harder to breathe me just wanting space between my skin and his, “It’s ok, you’re ok.” He cooed, “You did so good you really did.”

  
He held me until I quit crying getting up and going into the bathroom for a minute as I tried to collect myself finally able to sit up pulling my knees into my chest and rocking trying to comfort myself wishing that mum was there so she could hug me tell me it wasn’t my fault that none of this, what they were doing to us was my fault. Because I needed to hear it. I needed to know that there was nothing wrong with me.

  
“You ready to go upstairs get some lunch, watch some TV? Maybe go my room and take a nap,” He asked me rubbing my hair.

  
I didn’t look at him just game him a curt nod as he handed me my trunks and I got up putting them on with shaking hands as he opened the door letting me out of the room and walked behind me up the steps him still naked. I could hear them in the kitchen before the door opened the four of them, Da and the twins and Jay. I sighed opening the door knowing they were going to know. Knowing they probably knew anyway.

  
All eyes turned towards the door as I opened them my throat going dry the moment their eyes were on me. I felt like they were all judging me. My eyes blood shot from crying, my nose a little stuffy making my breathing sound labored, heavy. I felt like they were probably thinking how much I deserved it for getting us into this mess and Jay frowned coming up to me causing me to take a step back bumping into Uncle Ben who put a hand on my shoulder.

  
“You’re ok there bud its just Jay,” Ben said behind me coaxing me forward by the shoulder and making me sit at the table a stiff dull pain shooting up my tail bone as I sat in the wooden chair.

  
“Are you ok?” Jay asked me frowning his eyes dark like he was going to cry, like he was afraid he had done something wrong.

  
I nodded my head before realizing he might need a verbal reassurance, “Yeah I’m ok.” I answered softly not looking at him.

  
“Ok Will here is your grilled cheese and soup,” Da said setting the plate down in front of me.

  
I didn’t even taste it as I bit into it taking a drink of water that was beside me. The thing could have been cardboard and I probably would have eaten it just to keep up appearances. I wasn’t hungry at all my body still feeling like static under my skin on a TV that’s signal had been knocked out by a storm even my hearing overtly sensitive as I tried to tune out, tried to ignore everything so I could just breathe.

  
Matt leaned towards me making me jump making my heart pound in my chest, “I asked you a question.”

  
“Wh-what?” I asked trying to control the shaking of my hands, trying to get my breathing back into a normal rhythm.

  
“Why did he do that to you?” Matt asked me, “Trap you like that.”

  
“Wh-what?” I asked again.

  
“In the pool. He pushed you against the side and he held you there with his arms. Made it so you couldn’t leave him. Is he like Da?” He asked me quietly as I looked around panic rising me thinking they were in the room watching us only to find it was just the four of us alone sitting at the table.

  
“Like Da?” I asked.

  
“Like how Da made us touch each other,” Matt said, “Did he make you do those things with John is that why you two are so weird now all the time?”

  
I sighed, “Matt I…”

  
I didn’t want to talk about it. It was too soon my body still feeling him on me, my brain still wishing I could have shut it out and being angry that I hadn’t been able to. That I had been trapped there feeling it happen, listening to him say those things to me that made me feel dirty. But, I couldn’t lie. They had the right to know because this wasn’t just my nightmare it was theirs too. And if Uncle Ben and Da hadn’t really done more than just make them touch each other yet they would soon. And they had a right to know what to expect.

  
“No Matt they didn’t make John and I touch each other, where is John?” I asked.

  
“We don’t know, Jay came into our room saying he didn’t want to be alone that he was scared and we asked him where John was and he said he didn’t know that he hasn’t seen him,” Mike answered, “Why are you so shaky?”

  
“I…my skin feels like bugs are crawling all over it,” I answered not able to look them in the eyes.

  
“Why?” Matt asked, “Is it because he made you go downstairs naked?”

  
I nodded my head. How did you explain to an 8-year-old that your uncle just raped you? That your body liked it in away and that’s why you couldn’t stop shaking? Why you could barely speak. I knew I had to tell them, that they had a right to know and needed to know they shouldn’t be with Uncle Ben alone. Ever if they could help it but I didn’t know what to say.

  
“Is it the bruise on your tummy?” Mike asked.

  
I nodded my head. The hicky he had ran his tongue over telling me he was sorry he had done that, that he hadn’t meant to. The hicky that Matt had pointed out in the swimming pool after I took my trunks off so I could swim.  
“Did he hurt you like Da hurt me?” Jay asked me quietly causing everyone to turn towards him.

  
“Da hurt you? He didn’t just touch your pee pee?” Matt asked, “Because I didn’t think that hurt.”

  
“He stuck his in me,” James said shifting uncomfortably growing quiet after he said the words.

  
“Can you do that?” Matt asked raising an eyebrow in confusion, “Can you stick your pee pee in someone else?”

  
“Yes,” I answered not able to look at them balling my hands into fists under the table.

  
“How?” Mike asked me.

  
“He stuck it in my butt and it really hurt,” James answered him, “I told him that it hurt but he just kept telling me it was ok, that if I waited it would hurt less. And then Will came in and he stopped.”

  
“Is that true Will?” Mike asked me.

  
“Yes,” I nodded my head.

  
“Did Uncle Ben do that to you? Is that why you’re so weird?” Matt asked me.

  
“It’s called sex,” I answered, “You’re not supposed to do it with … it’s not supposed to happen yet.”

  
“What?” Mike asked me confused.

  
“We’re not old enough, but Da he…he thinks we are,” I said.

  
“Does it really hurt that bad?” Mike asked me.

  
“Yeah it hurt so bad, I cried and it felt like I had to poop and then burned like I had skinned my butt hole,” James answered, “I didn’t like it. It was wrong and it felt bad.”

  
“Is that what it feels like?” Matt asked me.

  
I nodded my head, “They do other things too. Things they’re not supposed to. They’re not supposed to do it.”

  
“The sex thing?” Mike asked and I nodded my head.

  
“You can’t be alone with them. If you are it’ll give them a chance to do it so try to not ever be alone with either of them,” I told all three of them finally looking up at them even though doing so made me feel dizzy and light headed making me thankful I was sitting down.

  
“So, that’s what Uncle Ben did? But his penis in your butt?” Matt asked.

  
“And other stuff,” I answered.

  
“Like what?” Matt asked curiously.

  
“His fingers,” I answered quietly looking at the table, “His mouth.”

  
“You can put your mouth in someone’s butt?” Mike asked frowning.

  
“Not in, on I think,” Matt said, “They can do that right?”

  
I nodded my head. I didn’t want to talk about how his tongue had went up my ass, how it gone around my dick. How he had kept going telling me how sexy and beautiful I was, how I felt good, tasted good. I didn’t want to talk about those things with them.  
“I saw a movie once where this lady took a guy’s penis and put it in her mouth,” Matt said suddenly making me frown at him in surprise, “Did he do that to you? Or is that only something ladies can do?”

  
“He did bad stuff, just don’t be alone with him ok?” I said not wanting to talk about it anymore, especially in detail.

  
“Did he say weird things? Because I heard him call you baby I think and Da calls John baby and I’ve heard people on TV call the people they love and hold hands with baby,” James said, “That means he holds hands with you, right?”

  
“He said a lot of things,” I answered quietly looking at the spoon sitting on the table next to me. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. How do you explain to a 6-year-old that type of thing is wrong? That no one should touch you like that unless you tell them it’s ok. That those things are wrong especially when you’re little.

  
“I think that would be gross wouldn’t they get poop on their penis because they stuck it in your butt?” Mike asked looking at me making me blink incredulously.

  
“I don’t know,” Matty answered, “I mean you would think so like that time I couldn’t poop so the doctor stuck his finger up there to make sure everything was ok and when he pulled his finger out there was poop on the glove, you would think that because a penis goes up there more when they pulled out there would be poop on it but I don’t know. Will is there poop on it?”

  
I wasn’t sure whether to scream, cry or laugh. Were they seriously asking me that? I didn’t know I hadn’t been looking I’d been trying my hardest to tune the whole experience out and pretend it wasn’t happening so it’s not like I was looking at him or what he was doing at all. Most of the time I had my eyes closed.

  
“Are you ok?” James asked, “You have a funny look on your face.”

  
“Yeah, it’s really red,” Mike pointed out.

  
“I really want to know did we do something wrong by asking?” Matt asked me.

  
“I don’t know if there was. I didn’t look,” I said quietly. I didn’t feel so good my stomach wanting to rebel against the sandwich I had just swallowed as I stood up.

  
“Don’t be alone with him you guys if he comes after you, you run either Da or Uncle Ben,” I said, “I think I’m going to go lay down, James are you done eating?”

  
“Yeah why?” He asked me.

  
“You’re coming with me,” I answered him, “Put your plate in the sink and we’re going to head upstairs ok?”

  
“Ok,” James said not questioning me as he did as he was asked.

  
I wasn’t mad at them I was just tired and didn’t know how to answer their questions. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with their curiosity at all but it wasn’t something I wanted to talk about or felt the need to talk about. I didn’t want to leave James on his own without me or John however so I figured if I was going to lay down I could get him to quietly sit with me in the room and everything would be ok for a while.

  
“Am I in trouble?” James asked quietly as we started up the steps.

  
“No Jay I’m just trying to keep you safe. I don’t know where John is and I would rather not give Da or uncle Ben the chance to hurt you if I can help it,” I explained to him.

  
“So, what Da did isn’t ok?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I answered, “No it’s not ok.”

  
He was quiet for a minute until I opened the door, “Da said it was that I should ask John because John and him do it all the time and that most people don’t think it’s ok but it really is. That it’s just how he loves us.”

  
“It’s never ok to make someone do something like that when they don’t want to,” I answered, “Da is going to tell you that it’s like eating vegetables that it’s something you dislike but have to deal with now so you can be better, so it can benefit you when you get older but, that’s not true ok?”

  
“How do you know he’s lying?” James asked his face scrunching up in confusion.

  
“Because vegetables might taste bad but they don’t hurt you. They don’t make you feel bad. These things scare you, don’t they? Make you feel bad, hurt?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

  
“It was scary yeah, I didn’t want to,” He answered.

  
“Exactly. I can’t stop him from doing it but I can try and make sure he doesn’t get a lot of chances to that’s why I told you to come up here with me because I’m tired,” I said laying down on the bed closing my eyes trying to relax myself.

  
“Why do I have to stay with you and Matty and Mikey don’t?” He asked me.

  
“Because you’re the youngest and they have each other to look out for one another. You don’t have anyone like that. You have me and John and that’s it so we’re going to stick together and look out for each other instead ok?” I asked him.

  
“I’m looking out for you?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, it would really help me a lot bud,” I told him, “It’s not just to keep you safe but me too. Because I don’t think they’ll hurt us if we’re together or at least they will be less likely to.”

  
“Oh ok,” James said to me, “But I’m not tired.”

  
“I know Jay but I am, maybe you can play with your trucks quietly?” I asked him from where I was laying down on the bed to which he nodded his head.

  
“Ok,” He said going over to his suit case and pulling out some of his hot wheels.

  
I sighed my brain reeling. Where was John and how on earth was, I supposed to take care of three kids? I was only a kid myself. How had John done it all those years on his own? Protecting us from Da while mum went off to work or hang out with her friends. I had no idea what to do at this point but was thankful I was taking care of older children. Children who mostly took care of themselves.

  
I managed to close my eyes listening to James make vrooming sounds as he played with his toy cars and managed to fall into some sort of sleep curling myself into the fetal position facing the wall. I remember staying half-awake enough to listen to James play for the longest time until I realized I couldn’t hear him anymore and I turned around my eyes still feeling heavy.

  
“Jay?” I asked the air once I realized he wasn’t in the bedroom with me and I sat up my heart pounding.


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben works on brain washing the three younger brothers by making nice and pretending to be something he isn't (a nice person) while they ask embrassing questions about Will. Will gets to put some of his home managment skills to the test as Will overhears his Da and Ben discussing past events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've made it this far I'm really hoping you've read my warnings about how I feel about all of this stuff irl **warnings:** Talking of past child sexual assault, talk of forced brother/brother incest, sex education, Rape/non-con, physical violence, hitting, kicking, punching, forced blow job, underage

I went out into the hallway walking slowly carefully not sure where Uncle Ben was or what he was doing, “Jay?” I called out quietly checking the other guest bedroom before heading downstairs where I could hear young voices talking loudly.

  
“But you know how stupid that is? I mean Tim is the best Robin obviously,” I heard Matt say.

  
“I don’t think that’s true,” Mike said, “I like Jason, Jason was cool.”

  
“You’re both nuts,” I heard Uncle Ben laugh, “Dick is the best he was first and no one can move like him.”

  
At that I came sprinting into the room my chest heaving eyes wide with fear before I realized that Ben was sitting in a chair and they were both sitting on the couch James at their feet still playing with his cars. I tried to calm myself down. So, everything was ok they were just talking comics? But with him?

“Someone is awake,” Ben said looking at me causing me to fold my arms across my chest because I felt naked whenever he looked at me, “Are you feeling better?”

  
I nodded my head trying to keep calm trying to swallow back the lump in my throat as I looked at him and my brothers. He wasn’t sitting close to them but him just being in the same room with them made me nervous. What if he made them do those things too? The things he made me do? What would happen to them? They were just little they didn’t understand, not really.

  
“We’re just talking about Robins,” Matt said, “Are you ok?”

  
“Y-yeah,” I answered.

  
“He’s not going to hurt us, he’s nice,” Matt said.

  
“Wait he said I would hurt you?” Ben asked looking between us.

  
“Yeah like Da made us touch each other,” Mike said shaking his head at the thought, “It was gross.”

  
“That didn’t hurt, though did it?” Ben asked them.

  
“No but it was weird,” Matt said.

  
“Well, your Da was just teaching you how to make people happy, making them feel good and tickly it wasn’t to hurt you,” Uncle Ben said, “I think Will is just worried he’ll have to share me with you but that’s not true.”

  
“Share you?” Mike asked.

“Well Will and I …” I cut him off.

  
“Don’t,” I said shaking my head not wanting them to know any more than they already did. They knew he had done things to me. That I didn’t want him doing things to them too.

  
“Oh,” Matt said nodding his head at me to show he understood.

  
“You don’t want the truth?” Ben asked him.

  
“He said what happened,” Matt said shrugging his shoulders, “He even said it didn’t really hurt.”

  
“Some of it can be uncomfortable at first but as you get used to it, it hurts less,” Ben said.

  
“Did you get poop on your penis?” Mike asked and Ben’s eyes widened looking at him in surprise.

  
“Huh, hmm,” He said squinting like he was trying not to laugh, “Why are you asking?”

  
“Well one time I was sick and I couldn’t poop and so the doctor stuck his finger up my butt to make sure I was ok and it felt really weird and when he pulled his finger out there was poop on it,” He said, “So it just makes sense that there might be poop there because you’re sticking it up someone’s butt. I asked Will but he said he didn’t know because he wasn’t looking so I thought you might know.” Mike explained.

  
“Well, it happens sometimes but it’s nothing a shower can’t fix I promise,” He said trying not to laugh, “Some people actually enjoy that but, for me it’s not something I care about either way. If you’re wondering how your brother was…” He stopped looking at me smirking, “He takes very good care of himself.”

  
Matt coughed, “That’s gross I didn’t want to know that. That’s not why he was asking!”

  
“Well they do say curiosity killed the cat,” Uncle Ben said smiling.

  
“Mike don’t ask him anymore questions because I don’t want to know,” Matt said looking at our brother.

  
Mike shot me a little look like he was regretting asking the question at all. I had no problem with him being curious but I really felt like those were things he didn’t need to know that he was too young to really understand. However, life kept making it very apparent to me that we were anything but average.

  
“…Isn’t that right Will?” Uncle Ben asked tuning me back into the conversation.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“That it’s important for them to learn, how to use their bodies and that’s all we’re teaching them. That there isn’t anything wrong about it? Isn’t that right Will?” He asked me again.

  
“I’m not sure…” I trailed off.

  
I felt trapped. This was some type of trick. I either said yes and convinced my brothers this was ok or I said no and ended up getting the shit raped out of me and god knew what else. I decided it was better to not say anything.

  
“Will’s already learned a few things, haven’t you?” Uncle Ben said standing up and coming towards me making me back away slightly.

  
He smiled at me that horrible smile. He wanted to right now? In front of them? I felt my face heat up and my heart start pounding. No way in hell. I wasn’t going to let him do that in front of them.

  
“I’m…I’m going to…to go,” I stammered pointing at the threshold behind me as I backed out not daring to turn away from him, “I will be…upstairs.” I nodded my head continuing to back out of the room and away from them trying to just catch my breath.  
“Well,” I heard Ben say to them, “He’s shy about his lessons.”

  
“I just think some people don’t like it Uncle Ben,” I heard Mike say back to him.

  
“Yes, but it will really help you out like I said before. I’m going to go check on him ok guys? Just stay here watch TV play games…” He said as I saw his shadow move along the floor before he came out of the room  
“What the fuck was that?” He hissed at me so low I could barely hear him.

  
I shook my head turning to run before he grabbed me by the back of shirt pulling me into his chest hard and pinning my body to his with my arms to my sides making it hard for me to move. I sighed. He was angry. I knew he was angry and I wasn’t sure what to do about it remembering Da’s warning, just do what he says and he won’t hurt you.

  
“Well I’m waiting for an answer William,” He spit into my neck.

  
“I-I don’t think that you should talk to them about…” He squeezed me around my center the pressure on my stomach hurting me.

  
“Don’t think I should talk to them about what?” He asked me.

  
“About me,” I managed to get out my voice shaky.

  
“I see,” He said sniffing the back of my neck before he kissed it, “What would you rather they think you have shit in your ass?”

  
“I’m not sure they even understand what they are asking,” I answered, “And my personal hygiene isn’t any of their business or yours.”

  
“Baby, it’s all my business ok?” He his hand sliding past the waist band of my pants.

  
“Don’t please, not here I’m asking you please not here,” I said making sure I didn’t make it sound like I was ordering him to do something but more requesting it.

  
“Ok,” he said moving his hand back up my stomach under my shirt, “Ok,” He said kissing the back of my neck making me shiver.

  
I sighed trying to stay calm knowing they were around the corner so they couldn’t see us but, they were around the corner and could very easily turn that corner and see what was happening. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it, knowing there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it from happening.

  
“You ok?” He asked me rubbing my shoulders making me gulp, “I get the feeling I make you nervous.”

  
“Mhm,” I managed to get out as his hand slid down my spine through my shirt.

  
“Is it because you don’t want them to see?” He asked me as I struggled to breathe.

  
“Can we please…” I started to ask when I heard someone’s footsteps coming down the hall.

  
“Ben not out in the open,” Da said looking at us, “Come here Will.”

  
“You said I could…” Da cut Ben off.

  
“You want to scare the other three is that your plan? I told you to keep your hands off them that doesn’t mean you get the establish a routine of open affection with their brother ok? Be more discreet,” Da said, “You don’t see my hand going up John’s shorts when we’re at the dinner table.”

  
“He’s my contract I’ll do what I want,” Ben replied.

  
“Will come here,” Da said again and Uncle Ben let me go and I walked forward away from my Uncles reach looking at my Da closely confused as to what he wanted other than to maybe protect me from getting groped he sighed looking at me, “Listen do you know how to cook?”

  
“They taught me some in school,” I answered confused by the question.

  
“Can you make everyone some dinner?” He asked me.

  
“Da I’m 10 I don’t know how to cook that well,” I answered.

  
“Huh, right what can you cook?” He asked me.

  
“Grilled cheese, mac and cheese from the box, scrambled eggs,” I answered.

  
“Ok make everyone some scrambled eggs I have to talk to your uncle about some stuff upstairs and his computer habits,” He said.

  
“Computer habits?” I asked him.

  
“Every time he gets on my computer something happens to it where it these ads pop up and I must restart it,” He said.

  
“Why not make him his own account that way you don’t have to worry about whatever he’s doing messing with your stuff?” I asked him.

  
“Account?” He asked.

  
“User account like you set up his own file area and what not, like a profile just for him,” I said.

  
“Ok,” He said, “Yeah why didn’t I think of that and then just make sure he doesn’t download stuff, that makes sense. Thank you. Well anyway make us all some scrambled eggs ok?”

  
“Yeah, Da,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Good thanks,” He said, “Ben come on we have to go upstairs we have a meeting.”

  
“What meeting?” Ben asked sounding annoyed before dawning crossed his face, “Oh ok.”

  
They headed upstairs leaving me standing there in hallway. I sighed with relief wondering how I was going to pay for this later. For daring to ask him not to do that in front of my brothers, for daring to walk away from a room he was in.

  
I gathered myself and walked into the kitchen to find it clean wondering if that was something Da had done earlier after I had gone back upstairs but pulled the eggs, milk and butter out of the fridge and set it on the counter. I remember looking at the eggs and wondering how many I should make and then deciding that I couldn’t make too many because there were seven people eating so I just used them all as I popped toast into the toaster.

  
“Will?” I heard James ask coming into the kitchen.

  
“Yeah?” I asked him.

  
“What do you think school is going to be like?” He asked me.

  
“Just like school I guess. I mean we’ll have to make new friends but otherwise pretty much the same. We already talked about how we’re going to be coming home after school and tomorrow we’re doing a school tour with Da if you remember right bud?” I said stirring the eggs as we talked.

  
“Will the kids be nice?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know Jay I’m hoping they will be,” I answered, “It just depends really I guess. Just like back home some kids will be nice and some not so much we’ll be ok though I’m sure.”

  
I put the scrambled eggs on the table grabbing plates and trying to divide them evenly onto each plate with a piece of toast, “Guys dinner is ready,” I called out.

  
Mike and Matt came in their noses wrinkling as they looked at the food, “Eggs is a breakfast food,” Mike said.

  
“Think of it as breakfast for dinner maybe,” I said sitting down in my own spot.

  
“That’s just silly,” Mike said, “Why didn’t we have chicken for dinner?”

  
“Because I don’t know how to cook chicken,” I told him, “Da told me he was busy so I had to cook so I did now eat.”

  
They ate and started talking about batman again. I didn’t read many comics sticking mostly to books myself but I didn’t mind listening to the conversation. They kept talking about who was the best robin again and in listening in I learned that there had once been a female Robin however Mike and Matt seemed to agree she was by far the worst Robin because she was only Robin for a short amount of time and didn’t have nearly the honed physical skills of the other robins.

  
I felt tired. And my thoughts kept being pulled in a different direction towards John. I hadn’t seen John all day and wondered where he was. When I would get to see him again. How I was supposed to deal with these three on my own and keep them safe. By the time, they were finished Da and Uncle Ben came downstairs and sat down looking at their plates.

  
“Hey Will honey can you heat this up for us? It looks good by the way, thank you,” Da said as I went over and grabbed their plates putting them in the microwave as I listened to them talk.

  
“What exactly does he mean wait to do the branding? Why can’t we just do it now? He’s never made anyone else wait,” Ben said.

  
“Well apparently, they are looking at three new members to decide if they are really going to join and if that’s the case he wants to get the b’s all done at once,” Da replied back.

  
“Fine, but if we’re waiting for one what about the others?” He asked, “I mean he said they usually wait until they are around eight at least so does that mean we’re waiting until next year for the rest of them or just a couple of weeks after the first one or what…?”

  
“He made it sound like after John is done he’ll do the rest right away so I have no idea,” Da said, “He said that we have the best-looking ones though. I’m like so glad you set this up by the way thank you.”

  
“No thank you Connor it was your resume that really made it happen. I mean they’ve been looking for new members but your skills are what really made the deal for him. He’s a nice guy and with our status nothing bad is going to happen. Trips to where ever we want, parties, other perks, it will all be worth it not to mention all that hot little ass I’ll get for a discounted rate. And let me tell you,” he said looking at me before lowering his voice to a volume he thought I couldn’t hear, “He has a tight little ass. Tighter than even that Thai bitch. I love him really. He’s so fucking good. And he’s trainable.”

  
“Hey you said…” Da started to whisper back but he cut him off.

  
“Relax, relax ok. I’m just saying if you ever changed your mind on that he’s workable he has the personality for it ok? There are plenty of other ways I can meet those needs. Very easily now infect once we go through a branding or two. When I was in Thailand I met this guy Tanner, they adopt kids for that call them ones. Him and this guy he hooked up with they adopted a kid when he was four and they still have him and he’s good. He’s fucking prefect. You tell him to scream he’ll scream you tell him to moan he’ll moan they have him trained to a t. The kid doesn’t even think once you get him in the bedroom just does what he’s told,” Uncle Ben said.

  
“We agreed though remember? No rough housing,” He said, “Just teaching.”

  
“Yeah I know I promise. If he does things the way I want him to within reason he won’t be hurt. And he’s good at following directions I mean look at him,” Ben said and both their eyes landed on me before they turned back, “He’s fucking prefect. He feels fucking amazing you know that, right?”

  
“Yeah,” I heard Da answer him, “He would be a lot better at it if someone hadn’t gotten us caught and interrupted their lessons.”

  
“Caught?!” Ben said loudly, “That isn’t just on me you could have been more careful too.”

  
“I’m not the one who decided a four-year-old was ready and forgot the 10-minute rule,” Da said.

  
“I know are you kidding me I will never be able to live that down,” He said, “But anyway so they told you it’s no problem with us just waiting because of money?”

  
“Yeah that’s basically what he made it sound like,” Da said.

  
“Ok cool,” Ben said before sighing and standing up, “So we’re good for now and I can continue?”

  
“If he’s done cleaning,” Da said gesturing towards me.

  
“Will baby? Are you done doing the dishes?” Ben asked me.

  
I looked over at them. Not letting them know I had been paying attention the whole time. Not wanting them to know I had heard what they were saying. Trainable? People adopted kids for this type of thing. I was good at following directions and trainable? I had the personality for it. For what?

  
“Will, are you ok?” Ben asked me.

  
“Almost, I’m almost done with the dishes,” I answered numbly.

  
“Ok,” He said, “I’ll wait until you’re done.”

  
“Well,” Da said handing me his plate, “Dinner was great the best scrambled eggs I’ve ever had thank you honey.”

  
“You’re welcome Da,” I said as he turned to Ben, “Now I’ll be back in a while don’t keep him all night please. I think the little one sleeps better if he’s not alone.”

  
“Ok,” Ben said looking at him slightly annoyed, “And in exchange…?”

  
“In exchange, you get nothing because I have other things going on. You have him, use him,” Da said walking away.

  
“Ok then geese Connor,” Ben muttered looking at me as I finished scrubbing Da’s plate.

  
I kept my head down letting the hot water run over my hands as I picked up the last two dishes thinking that if I went slow enough he’d be uninterested after a while. I was wrong feeling him come up behind me wrapping his arms around my waist.

  
“God you’re so hot bent over the sink like that,” He said grinding against me making me want to scream and push him away.

  
“I’m not done yet,” I said quietly.

  
“Don’t worry about it, I could just fuck you right here,” He said his hands going to the waist band of my pants again making me drop the dish I was holding into the sink my hands shaking.

  
“Please,” I begged him. I didn’t want to do it right there not out in the open and not in front of the kitchen sink.

  
“Come on just a little, I’ll use the lotion,” he said biting into the back of my neck like a dog or cat would before they mounted a female to breed.

  
“Ben please,” I begged him feeling like I was about to start crying, “Please just one more dish. Just one more dish.”

  
“All right, but then you’re mine understand?” He hissed at me.

  
“I understand,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Good because if you don’t understand I have ways to make sure you do and I don’t like being told what I can and cannot do,” He said.

  
“I understand,” I said again quietly finishing the last dish and putting it in the dish rack.

  
I turned off the water and turned around and before I could protest he was picking me up and setting me on the counter top. I didn’t want to have sex there. I didn’t want someone to walk in and see him on top of me but I looked at him looking into his eyes not daring to look away barely breathing. His hands felt like cold fire on my skin going under the hem of my shirt from behind pulling it up over my head and letting it fall to the ground.

  
“God your fucking body,” he said and I felt my eyes go wide as he started rubbing the back of my neck in slow circles, “A perfect fucking body.”

  
I gulped my throat dry as I looked at him, “I’m 10,” I reminded him.

  
“I know it’s not a big deal. I was six the first time your Da fucked me, and the first time my Da fucked me so… trust me 10 is nothing,” He said pushing his hands roughly up my thighs rubbing them through my clothes.

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“Your grand dad was into teaching us the way we’re teaching you guys. After a while you get used to it. He was a horrible son of a bitch though he’d hit if you told him no. I will never hit you without warning you first,” He said, “I might have given you a little more time if your body wasn’t so fucking prefect. Tiny and slim in all the right places but filled out exactly right.”

  
I went to look at the fruit bowl sitting next to me on the counter and he grabbed my chin gently tilting it back up to his face, “Can you tell me why I make you so nervous?”

  
“I don’t like the way it feels,” I said looking him dead in the eyes.

  
It was the truth. I hated the way it felt. The burning with the weird fullness or the tingling that I couldn’t get to stop. I didn’t like it and I didn’t understand how anyone could. Everyone said sex was supposed to feel nice, pleasant and it didn’t feel pleasant to me.

  
“What? you think it hurts?” He asked me, “Because I can make it hurt.”

  
“I didn’t say it hurts I just don’t like it,” I said.

  
“Well, you’ll learn to like it,” he said to me running a hand through my hair, “God I’m going to suck your cock so much you won’t be able to cum for a week.”

  
I shuddered. Just hearing it sounded like it would probably hurt. I mean you can bruise skin and make it hurt by sucking on one spot for too long so to me it only seemed logically that sucking on a spot down there for too long would probably hurt as well. I sighed frowning as I thought about that. I didn’t want his mouth down there at all let alone down there for long enough to do that.

  
He smiled at the wide-eyed fear on my face as I looked at him, “What doesn’t sound appealing to you?”

  
At that point he jolted forward at me grabbing me and throwing me over his shoulder holding onto my legs as he moved fast yanking the basement door open. I remember having to use my arms to shield my head to make sure I didn’t hit on the steps on the way down as he threw me onto the bed downstairs the one that had all the chains on it and the square piece missing out of the foot and he allowed himself to almost fall on top of me catching himself on his elbows above me his face inches from mine.

  
“We can have fun, you want to fight a little bit? Beg? Scream? I don’t mind a good fight sometimes,” He said before roughly forcing his lips to mine.

  
I pushed at his chest as his lips stuck to mine almost like super glue afraid to open my mouth to try and scream for fear of his tongue rolling across my tonsils. He had told me I could fight back so I was pounding on his chest with my fists wishing I wasn’t so afraid to scream to tell him no. That I wasn’t ok with this that I wasn’t willing to do this. That I wasn’t his that I didn’t belong to him no matter what my Da said his hands ignoring mine completely and yanking on the fabric of my pants around my hips pulling my pants down slowly almost rolling them as he pulled them down.

  
He moved his kissing into the crook of my neck and I whimpered still pushing at him and hitting him with my fists not getting anywhere, nothing working as he suctioned himself to my skin. I didn’t want this I wanted it to stop. I tried kicking him tried to bring my knee up between his legs, tried just about anything I could think of and none of it worked.

  
“Stop!” I whimpered, “STOP!”

  
“Yeah that’s right scream for me baby,” He mumbled shifting his weight up just long enough to yank my pants down to my knees as I started to kick out, “Oh fine ok yeah I said fight so go ahead and kick like a fucking five-year-old.”

  
“No, I don’t want to, I don’t want to, stop, please just stop I don’t want to, I don’t want to,” I shrieked as my kicking kicked my pants off my one leg to which he smiled laughing.

  
“Trying to undress for me huh baby?” He asked me to which my eyes went wide my chest heaving from the exertion of kicking and hitting and pushing that had done nothing to help me get out of my situation.

  
I stopped I don’t know if it was out of shock or because I just gave up because I knew fighting wasn’t getting me anywhere but I stopped trying to fight and just let him bury his face in my collar bone his small five o’clock shadow scratching at my sternum as I whimpered softly.

  
“Shhh, god I want to suck that cock,” He said his hand trailing down my stomach touching me and I tried to pull away, “No, no you’re mine no pulling away.”

  
He ran his face down the center of my chest not licking put just pressing his nose against my skin and I grabbed the back of his hair hoping it would stop him if I pulled hard enough but instead he mostly ignored it until I felt his mouth go around me making my whole body freeze up and eyes go wide. He started playing with my balls as I felt a sweat start to break out over my body.

  
“Oh shit,” I said.

  
By this time, I had been given several blow jobs and found out I liked each one a little less than the one before but this one I remember being paralyzing even though I had permission to fight back, to try and get him off me his finger shoving its way inside of me while he bobbed up and down leaving me in silent shock under him. I don’t even remember how many times he made me orgasm only that most of it was painful and when he was done my whole body felt like jello. I remember him climbing on top of me. Pushing inside and I remember it not really hurting but not feeling good. It felt like hours. It probably was.

  
When he was done, I was numb. I remember just being numb and him telling me to leave that I had been good. That I had been amazing. I remember scrubbing my skin and feeling like I wasn’t clean enough wondering where John was, wondering if this was all I was anymore. Wondering if Da had ever loved me at all to give me to Uncle Ben like this, to this to. I remember laying down in the bed next to James after spending half the night in the shower until the water ran cold. But I don’t remember falling asleep.


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will spends some time walking around the neighborhood trying to get out of the house and meets someone. Someone he finds interesting but can't quiet wrap his head around. This person helps explain some of the in's and out's of Will's new reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is now past 4am so last update until this weekend probably. **Warnings:** Talk of child sexual abuse, talk of rape/non-con some of it very underage, talk of physical abuse, sexual orientation, talk of drug use, talk of sexuality.

When I woke up my whole body was still sore. I didn’t even want to move but Mike and Matt had jumped on the bed waking me up. I opened my eyes.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Da said he had to go to work so you had to make us breakfast and then tomorrow we’re going to school instead of today for the tour,” Matt told me.

“I don’t want to move go get John,” I moaned.

  
“Da said not to bother John until later,” He said to me.

  
“Has anyone even seen him?” I asked sitting up.

  
“No, Da said to leave him alone,” Matt said to me again.

  
“Do you know where he is?” I asked sitting up and stretching my shirt riding slightly up my belly and Matt reached out and poked my bruise making me freeze.

  
“Don’t touch me,” I told Matt angrily putting my arms down hugging my stomach tightly folding in on myself.

  
“What is that though?” He asked me.

  
“It’s a bruise but you don’t touch people without their permission understand?” I said to him as forcefully as I could manage my skin crawling just from being touched by my brother even if he hadn’t meant anything of it.

  
“How do you get a bruise there?” he asked me And I felt my face go red.

  
“It doesn’t matter, where is John?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t know Da didn’t tell me but he said he’s in the house and he’s fine,” Matt answered me, “Are you going to make us food now?”

  
“Yeah I’m getting up ok? I’ll make us some eggs,” I answered him standing up.

  
I made the eggs and got the three of them ready for the day and then we sat down to watch an after-breakfast movie and I ended up falling asleep. I was that exhausted from dealing with Ben and worrying about everyone else and whether Da and Ben were going to keep their hands to themselves and was woken up when I heard someone yelling something from the kitchen and felt someone pull on my head.

  
“Will wake up,” I heard James whine at me impatiently, “Da’s brought us chicken for lunch come on.”

  
I yawned opening my eyes. I remember feeling tired and my neck being sore because I had fallen asleep funny but blinking trying to pull myself into consciousness when Ben came into the room bringing me to instant alertness. I hated being around him, being the same room with him. I the wave of panic going through me made it hard for me to think to speak.

  
“You want some chicken Will?” He asked me.

  
It was a mundane question yet I felt the blush creeping into my face, my face feeling like it was heating up all the way down into the collar of my shirt. I felt like I was choking on air as he closed the distance between us James frowning at him, getting angry at Uncle Ben. I couldn’t control the way I started to feel breathless as he closed the distance between us.

  
“Leave him alone you’re making him sad,” James told Uncle Ben frowning.

  
“No, I’m not he’s fine, aren’t you Will?” Ben asked putting a hand on my shoulder.

  
“Y-y-yeah,” I said nodding my head trying to appear calm which was the farthest thing from what I was feeling, “Yeah bud, I’m all right.”

  
“No, you’re not, I can see it tell him you’re not all right,” James said folding his arms across his chest, “Uncle Ben leave him alone.”

  
“James not right…” Ben cut me off.

  
“Listen to me here bud I know you mean well that you’re worried about your brother I get that but, I’m the adult here. You two are the kids so you listen to me. You won’t understand this until you’re older but William is mine ok? He’s mine I take care of him, I help your Da take care of him so you don’t worry about Will that’s my job all, right?” Ben said to him harshly a deadly serious look on his face making James take a step back.

  
“Jay,” I said quietly not looking at him, “Go sit down ok? I’ll be there in a couple of minutes. It’s not a big deal I promise.”

  
“You promise?” He asked me his eyes wide as he nodded his head like he was trying to take in what I was saying.

  
“Yes, I promise,” I said dully, “Go I’ll be right there.”

  
“Ok,” he said giving me a hug that made me tense throwing his arms around my middle and then letting go quickly leaving to go into the kitchen.

  
“You don’t have to be afraid of me,” Ben said, “If you do what I say I won’t hurt you. And I won’t hurt them ok?”

  
“Ok,” I whispered not able to look at him my hands starting to shake. Was he going to rape me like he had before lunch yesterday?

  
“Come here,” he said grabbing my shoulders before wrapping his body around mine, hugging me feeling like he was trying to squeeze the life out of me. I didn’t want him hugging me where they could see us.

  
I didn’t want my brothers to know what I was doing with him or, what he was doing to me. I knew deep down it wasn’t something I was doing because I wanted to, it was something I was doing because I had to. Because if I really had a choice, I wouldn’t have been in the same country as him let alone his arms or sharing a bed with him.

  
“Don’t freeze up,” He said resting his chin on the top of my head.

  
“Don’t do this where they can see,” I pleaded with him.

  
“Showing them isn’t a bad thing. It teaches them the right things instead of that brain washed bullshit society as tried to shove on them. Let’s them see how normal it is, allows them to make their own choices about it,” Ben said kissing the top of my head sighing into my crown before his arms loosened around me, “Ok baby lets go eat some food huh?”

  
I sighed turning away towards the kitchen to find Da standing at the kitchen island pulling Kentucky fried chicken out of the buckets and putting it on plates where the sides where already portioned out, sides of corn and Mac and cheese, “Hey there Will you ok? You look tired.”

  
“I am tired.”

  
“He is tired.”

Ben and I said in unison and Da smiled happily, “Busy night?”

  
“Busy day yesterday,” Ben answered him.

  
“Ah,” Da said nodding his head as he took three plates and set them down at the table before going back over to the marble topped island and grabbing another three plates setting two down in front of the empty seats at the table as he took the other empty seat.

  
“So, we’re doing the school tour tomorrow for sure?” Matt asked Da.

  
“Yeah pal we’re actually doing it tomorrow,” Da answered, “I’m sorry I had move it but my boss called me in for something important, a conference call that I couldn’t skip out on. Tomorrow though I promise.”

  
“Will John be coming?” I asked dipping for fork into my Mac and cheese and licking a noodle attentively.

  
“No,” Da answered me, “John isn’t feeling well so he’s going to be staying home.”

  
“Where is he Da?” I asked summoning the courage to actually look my Da in the eyes to see and hear his response.

  
“He’s in my room. Don’t disturb him he’s not feeling well. He’s having trouble ok?” Da answered.

I nodded my head. I wasn’t completely sure what he meant but I had an idea. If his life was going anywhere close to the same direction as mine he was struggling. Just struggling to keep his head above the water as he drowned.

  
It felt like our lives were the opposite of the swan princess cartoon where the princess was forced to be a swan during the day, her human form only revealed by moonlight. Ours was the opposite, we were real humans during the day only to be turned into something less than human at night.

  
I swallowed some corn almost snorting it down my windpipe as Ben put his hand on my knee surprising me in a not good way. I sighed setting down my fork trying to calm my nerves that felt like they were shaking my whole entire body as I stared at my drum stick. I felt sick to my stomach his hand rubbing up and down the bare skin where my shorts ended right above my knee his fingers tracing patterns or letters sending goose bumps onto my flesh.

  
“Will, you need to eat,” Da said his voice drawing me out of my head, “Set a good example for your brothers.”

  
I nodded my head giving him a small smile picking my drum stick up and biting into it. The chicken didn’t taste like anything to me, my brain too focused on where Ben’s hand was on my leg, what it was doing and trying to keep calm. I managed to eat what was on my plate as Da talked with Matt and Mike about what school was going to be like the same questions coming up as before. Questions about what it was going to be like. What holidays might be like, if we were going to have the same summer holiday as before, how much was going to change, if the school work was going to be the same…

  
I was tired of hearing them repeatedly. Hearing them repeat the same questions as my life fell apart. School wasn’t important, things didn’t matter, nothing mattered besides keeping my mouth closed and making sure I didn’t piss anyone off. Making sure I toed their line to keep my little brothers safe.

  
When we were done eating I went outside to go for a walk. No one seemed interested in following me, the heat being close to 100 degrees according to the news. I ended up sitting down by the pool for a while before I jumped in fully clothed not wanting either of them to find me out there without clothes on.

  
When I decided, I’d had enough of that, enough of thinking of drowning myself and floating in the pool on my own I hopped out and started walking down the street with no destination in mind. I just walked for a while listening to nature, remembering what it was like to be a child. To have those images in my head of us chasing Lizards as the babies cried in the playpen in the front yard while mum and Da sat on the porch hand in hand in love or so it seemed at the time.  
“Hey,” I heard a voice behind me and jumped a foot in the air as I turned around.

  
It was a kid a little older than I was probably around John’s age blonde hair and brown eyes frowning at me as he bit his chapped bottom lip. He watched me quizzically gold flecks in his eyes catching in the sunlight as his brow furrowed at me. I remember thinking of how the lines and wrinkles weren’t ugly but how the look on his face made me want to touch his forehead, to feel the lines under my fingers, to not just know but, to feel what he was thinking.

  
I didn’t know what to make of him. I didn’t understand why he was watching me so pensively and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. I sighed turning back around to keep going on my way hopefully someplace far away where I could get lost.  
“Did you just move into the McGregor house?” He asked from behind me, him not having moved to follow me but still calling out to me causing me to turn around to face him again.

  
“Well it is my family’s house,” I said, “So what do you think?”

  
He cracked a smile, “Nice attitude, keep a hold of that if you use it at the right time it might just save you.”

  
“And if I use it at the wrong time?” I asked.

  
“You won’t be using it again,” He said and I nodded my head thoughtfully thinking he must know Ben, “What’s your name?”

  
“Will,” I answered, “Who are you?”

  
“Cole. Cole, Gables,” He answered, “So you’re telling me that’s not Ben’s house?”

  
“No, it’s my Da’s, house, our house I guess he was just squatting in it kind of?” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“You mean between his trips to Thailand?” Cole asked.

  
“Something like that. You know him well?” I asked Cole and he visibly shivered.

  
“I know him well enough,” He answered, “You?”

  
“I huh,” I swallowed, “I’m his nephew.”

  
“Is your Dad like him?” He asked me.

  
“I’m not sure what you mean,” I answered.

  
“Well, my Dad is friends with your uncle if your Dad is anything like the two of them it’s not a good thing,” Cole said.

  
I looked down at the cement under my feet scuffing the toes of my shoes against it as I shuffled nervously. I didn’t want to talk about this. Not if it was a conversation about what I thought it was.

  
“I’m sorry,” Cole sighed, “I’m sorry it’s stupid to talk about you probably don’t even…”

  
“No, I know what you mean,” I answered quietly not looking up at him, “I don’t know why it matters but yeah. The answer is yes.”

  
“That sucks,” Cole said quietly.

  
I nodded my head. Then it dawned on me. What an asset he was. The things I could learn from him. About whatever this was that my Da had gotten us into. About their rules.

  
“Do you have time to talk?” I asked him and he looked around.

  
“Yeah, if you come to the park with me,” Cole shrugged his shoulders and waving his hand at me to follow him.

  
I sighed picking up my pace to a slow jog to catch up as we crossed the street and ended up at a small park that was deserted. It had an iron rocket ship and set of swings along with a slide and what looked like a castle. He looked over his right shoulder to make sure I was following him before he climbed up into the rocket ship so he was covered within its tiny circular walls as I climbed up the ladder following him pulling myself into the tight little space.

  
“So, what do you want to talk about?” He asked me.

  
“What school do you go to?” I asked him.

  
“The same one you’ll go to if you want you say is true St. Matthews,” He answered, “It’s a brotherhood school most of the fathers that teach there either are into what the brotherhood is into or they look the other way while it happens. I know your uncle really well.”

  
“You keep saying that. I’m assuming you mean sex,” I replied.

  
“Rape,” Cole corrected, “Don’t let them start brain washing you already it’s rape plain and simple and that’s exactly what I mean.”

  
“Sorry,” I said quietly.

  
“It’s ok. I just don’t like to think of it as sex, sex is different trust me,” Cole said.

  
“So, are they going to let the priest at the school do things to us?” I asked him.

  
“Us?” He asked frowning.

  
“My brothers and I,” I answered.

  
“How many brothers do you have?” He asked me.

  
“Six soon to be seven,” I answered, “But right now it’s just five of us with Da and Uncle Ben.”

  
“Shit, how old?” Cole said, “And I’m assuming your mom is still in the picture?”

  
“The youngest with us is going to be six soon. I have one older brother and he’s 12 and he’s going to be 13 in December,” I answered.

  
“So, he’s my age, why haven’t I seen him?” Cole asked.

  
“Da says he’s sick. I don’t think he is but Da won’t let any of us see him,” I answered.

  
Cole bit his bottom lip thoughtfully and look on his face like he was in pain. Like he knew what these things meant. Like he understood something I didn’t making me sigh.

  
“Listen, be patient with your brother when he comes back,” Cole said “Just…”

  
I cut him off, “I know what he’s doing in there ok? He’s done it his whole life. And now I’m doing it too.”

  
“What?” He asked me.

  
“My uncle,” I said not able to look him in the eyes, “he’s…he and Dad said something about a contract so I hacked Da’s emails ok? I know what it means.”

  
“They’ve contracted you to him?” Cole said shaking his head me only able to see the movement through my bangs, “That’s not good. Listen you need to be careful ok? He’ll break ribs if you don’t do what he says. If you make him angry enough. Always do what he tells you. Always.”

  
“I know he’s my…” Cole cut me off this time.

  
“No, you don’t know. Not like I do but you will. If he wants to be really nasty he’ll break your arm or restrain you using a metal bar on your neck. You won’t be able to lift your head at all, you won’t be able to see him but you’ll feel him and he’ll make it hurt. Your uncle is nasty, he’s nasty piece of work.”

  
“He would barely let me upstairs yesterday,” I said to him, “Don’t tell me what he is. I already know. He went to go hug me as one of my little brothers walked out of the living room yesterday and I told him not to because he's easy to read, it’s easy to see what he’s thinking unless you’re stupid. And he told me it wasn’t my place to tell him what to do and that he needs to because he has to reprogram them and get rid of all the bullshit they’ve been fed by normal people.”

  
Cole snorted, “Yeah sounds like Ben all right. There are worse people out there like my Dad for instance or Pat’s Dad but your uncle can be horrible.”

  
“He says bad things. Sometimes I don’t think he even knows I’m me or that I’m a real person,” I said.

  
“Well, they don’t think of us as people I’m pretty sure. If they did they wouldn’t drill holes in people and then fuck them until they’re dead,” Cole said causing me to look up noticing his eyes were wet, “A friend.”

  
He said it so quietly I almost didn’t hear it. I could feel the pain radiating off him like the heat from the sun radiates off pavement long after the sun sets causing stream to hit the night air as you look at it. I wanted to comfort him, to tell him I was sorry. To tell him I knew. That I might not know personally but that I knew.

  
“A really good friend?” I asked quietly and he just smiled and nodded his head.

  
“We did everything together,” He said frowning at something above my head. The expression on his face like he was looking off in the distance if there hadn’t been a solid wall behind me, “I’d known him since before. He was my first sleep over, my first-hand hold, my first…” He paused wiping at his eyes, “my first kiss.”

  
“I’m sorry. They really kill people huh?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, have you ever heard your uncle mentioned the Thai bitch?” He asked me.

  
“Yes,” I said, “What does that mean.”

  
“He was a kid, maybe 11 or 12. My Dad and your Uncle went to Thailand together. They went on a trip to find kids. They found a boy like I said maybe 11 or 12 and they kept him locked up for months. He used to scream my Dad said. Scream so loud just like he likes but your Uncle doesn’t like crying. He hates it usually. The kid cried too much and your Uncle paid my Dad to take care of it. My dad laughed as he recalled over the phone to your uncle how he broke every one of the kids ribs as he screamed and begged for him to stop and then he took a two by four and hit him over and over until his insides were outside. Just hearing about it made me gag.”

  
“So, they’re dangerous?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

  
“How many people are involved in this?” I asked Cole.

  
“I don’t know. I know a couple CEO’s, Senators, Judges, Police officers, my dad is a fucking social worker. So probably lots. I know the big L as we call him sometimes is a CEO of some kind but I don’t know of what. I just know he likes being with everyone but the younger the better.”

  
“What?” I asked shocked.

  
“Yeah, I mean he won’t take anyone with a v-card intact but, he likes them young, 10 and under are his favorite. Really anyone he finds attractive if they are potty trained,” Cole said.

  
“I have three little brothers at home right now that are 8 and 6 years old are you telling me some guy wants to rape them? That he wants to…”

  
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. I’m sorry but it’s the truth ok?” Cole said shaking his head.

  
“Is there anything I can do to stop them?” I asked him.

  
“Not that I can think of,” Cole answered, “Just keep an eye out for your brothers, especially your older brother. He really cares about you guys.”

  
“I know he does he’s been taking care of me my whole life,” I said again smiling at some of the good memories, “Life wasn’t easy when we were really little our mum and Da used to fight all the time. He used to take me outside, John and play tag with me if he could. If it was too late or they wouldn’t let him leave the house he’d hide me in the closet tell me, it was a game that the one who could be the most silent would win. And then he’d cough or something after a while, after the fighting stopped and give me a Reese pieces as my prize for winning. John’s good. He’s a good brother. He’s always tried to take care of me even when he’s hurting.”

  
“Seems like you might have been doing some taking care of him as well,” Cole said smiling sadly at me.

“Back home, in London I mean,” I sighed, “Da was…he liked touching me. He was there to get better but he wasn’t getting better. I shared a room with John but I was always so quiet he never knew. I’ll never tell him.”

  
“How old were you?” Cole asked, “I mean when your Dad…”

  
“When he just started touching me like that? I don’t even remember like five or six maybe. I know it was before they raped him, before we left here. I was eight the first time either of them ever…” I swallowed, “Just like John.”

  
“Weird, how much money does your Dad make?” Cole asked me.

  
“A lot,” I answered.

  
“Ok well, there’s like this weird level system in place in the brotherhood it’s based on a couple different things but the main thing is money. The more money a person has in the brotherhood the more privilege they have and in turn their sons or kids have. Or at least that’s what they want all of us to think. You’ll probably be a four or a five even though fives are rare like your Dad would have to have millions of dollars per child for you to be fives. You and your brothers,” Cole said.

  
“So, we’re fives then,” I said shrugging my shoulders to which Cole let out a long whistle.

  
“You might get treated better than probably explains why they didn’t rip up your v card when you were like 3. Even though I think they only do it that young to like ones and twos which explains why a lot of them die really young,” Cole said.

  
“I still can’t get over the fact they kill people,” I muttered to myself.

 

“Not people bottoms,” Cole said me hearing the word for the first time, “We’re bottoms we’re less than human until we hit 25. Our bodies, our minds, everything about us belongs to them. If you ever forget they will try their best to remind you really quick.”

  
“I already don’t feel human, I feel like a spit container,” I answered him.

  
“Wait...do you mean?” Cole asked raising his eyebrows at me and I felt the heat rush to my face.

  
“Is that not something they do?” I asked hugging myself.

  
“Oh no, they do just…you make it sound like he’s very liberal with it. I mean usually they use it as a tactic to keep you quiet. Make you think that it’s something you want. You want to know the secret? A body is a body it wouldn’t matter if you’re great Aunt Fiona was touching it she does it the right way it’s going to respond,” Cole said.

  
I frowned. I never talked about anyone in my family really and the idea he mentioned my great Aunt Fiona freaked me out. Who was this guy and how did he know that? He must have seen it written all over my face because Cole gave me a raised eyebrow look of confusion.

  
“What’s wrong?” He asked me.

  
“How did you know I have a great Aunt Fiona?” I asked.

  
“Oh,” He said then laughed loudly, “I didn’t it was a joke. And since I do I really hope she’s never…”

  
“No, she hasn’t it’s been forever since I’ve seen her and she’s like super old,” I answered.

  
“Ok but you get what I’m saying right?” he asked me gently concern in his eyes.

  
“Yeah I get it. But why all the time?” I asked him not able to look at him anymore out of shame.

“Some of them…well…they like doing it,” Cole said, “I’ve been contracted to guys before who… I mean sure it’s embarrassing but it’s not your fault. It’s a natural reaction. You think it’s intense now wait until you’re able to cum. You’ll hate it even more then.”  
“I did,” I answered, “He…and I…he did.”

  
“Oh, kid I’m sorry,” Cole said.

  
“No, it’s…it’s not. I just hated it even more. Before I came here I’d only ever had sex with Da the one time.”

  
“How many times has it happened since you got here?” He asked me.

  
I sighed and lifted three fingers. I didn’t want to talk about that. I realized it was my new reality that it was something that would happen just like brushing my teeth. I wasn’t happy about it but, I thought I would live with it. I thought I would get used to it.  
“And you’ve been here what a week?” he asked me.

  
“Almost two,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“That’s towing the line of almost too much for someone your age,” Cole said shaking his head, “Listen I can…I have a friend he can get you some stuff. I mean usually I wouldn’t for someone your age but considering what’s going on in that house and who your uncle is I’ll do it if you want me to.”

  
“What?” I felt my face contort with confusion.

  
“Something to make it easier for you. Some chemical help,” He clarified.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “My younger brothers I have to clear headed to look out for them. I walked in on Da raping my youngest brother the night after we got here. It was…he was crying begging him to stop because it hurt. For me it doesn’t hurt as bad anymore but, I remember that feeling. Of what did I do? Why is he…why is he hurting me?”

  
“I’m sorry,” Cole said.

  
“Do you do anything besides run from people?” He asked me.

  
“I wasn’t running I was going for a walk because I couldn’t stand to be in the same house as him anymore,” I sighed, “I read.”

  
“That’s something most guys your age don’t do. What do you read?” He asked me.

  
“All kinds of things, Harry Potter, Lord of the rings, eye of the world, Northern lights, The Lion the witch and the wardrobe, Mists of Avalon, into the land of the unicorns, all kinds,” I answered.

  
“Why so much Fantasy?” He asked.

  
“Because I like it when the bad guy gets what he deserves because I have a feeling real life doesn’t work that way. Otherwise my Da would have already gotten caught,” I answered, “So I like to pretend that they get what they deserve the first time they hurt someone.”

  
“Yeah if only right? Too bad real life isn’t a place where things are fair because if they were my Dad would be dead. Justin would be alive, this would be better. Different,” Cole sighed, “If he’s your holder though you’re going to want to get back and my Dad is going to be wondering where I am for once in his life. Or at least Pat will be.”

  
“Who is Pat?” I asked curious.

  
“A friend not like Justin. Justin was my boyfriend but, a good friend,” Cole said giving a small smile.

  
“Wait boyfriend?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, I’m gay man,” Cole said his smile turning into a smirk, “You didn’t know?”

  
“You’re 13 you said so how can you know?” I asked him.

  
“Well, in about a year or so you’ll figure it out,” Cole said, “Does it bother you that I’m gay?”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “I went to boarding school.”

  
I had gone to boarding school and there were kids up to the age of 16 there. I knew what gay was. I had once walked into the bathroom and seen what gay was in action when I was seven and then the kids had explained to me that it wasn’t anything bad that they were making each other feel nice. I still didn’t believe it felt nice not after what my Da had done, how it had felt like I was being ripped in two how it was still uncomfortable when my Uncle did it.

  
“I’ve heard those rumors I didn’t think they were true,” He answered, “And aren’t you a little young?”

  
“It wasn’t me I walked in on some older guys. Not everyone does it but I guess it does happen sometimes,” I answered, “How can you like that though? I mean …”

  
“Well when you’re relaxed and it’s with someone you want to be with it feels a lot different you know that little zap as they hit your prostate? It can feel fucking mind blowing when you’re into it mentally isn’t just physical it’s mental too. Everything is better when it’s with someone you want trust me,” He said.

  
“It’s kind of hard to when to me it feels like I’m trying to crap in reverse,” I said making him laugh loudly again.

  
“God you’re funny,” Cole said shaking his head at me, “If you bear down like you’re trying to shit it actually doesn’t hurt that bad and it kind of like makes it easier for your body to collapse into it I guess would be a good way to put it because it helps open up your muscles so it’s easier for them to get in. That Usually gets it over with quicker.”

  
“Either way it doesn’t sound like fun to me,” I answered.

  
“Well no, being fucked by Ben is not fun but if you know how to push his buttons like he enjoys pushing yours you can get it over with faster. Want some pointers?” He asked me.

  
“Sure,” I answered.

  
“If you rub him before he starts, you know give him a handy it usually cuts off about two minutes or so and he can go for a long time so anything that will cut off some time is helpful. If you let him kiss you, and make yourself pliable it’s better, easier just let him tell you where to move or move you himself, try to stretch before he…you know. Huh, what else? Don’t fight back obviously unless he tells you to then give it everything you have those times he won’t last very long he likes the fight it turns him on. Don’t ever say the words no don’t or stop he doesn’t like hearing those very much but begging him just like a please…please…he enjoys that. He likes kissing. He likes showing off how much control he has over you. So, if you really wanted to or felt you could deal with the fall out let him make out with you in front of people, touch you, order you around it all makes it easier.”

  
“I can’t do that. I can’t let people just…” Cole cut me off.

  
“Oh, you mean your brothers? They’ll eventually see if whether you want them to or not. And your Uncle won’t be the only one they make you be with. The brotherhood passes us around like some people do trading cards. It’s not very fun or nice but it happens. Ben likes to host parties and guess who gets to be the party favors? All the bottoms he knows. So, get ready for that because it won’t be long before he makes you do stuff like that. You have maybe a couple months left where he won’t but after that he’ll throw other people into the mix, other bottoms, Ben is into orgies so…”

  
I cut him off, “What? Are you telling me he’s going to make me do it with other people? I can’t do that, I can’t even…with him barely how am I supposed to…? I can’t do That, I can’t,” I said starting to panic.

  
“I didn’t mean to upset you Will but, just get ready because it will get worse,” Cole said, “You should really go if you didn’t tell him you were leaving because he won’t be happy and he likes to whip when he’s mad so…”

  
“Yeah ok,” I said nodding my head and he allowed me to climb down first my legs feeling stiff when I got to the ground for having been in such a cramped space with him sitting in the same position.

  
“I’ll probably see you at school on Monday. I guess it really depends on what grade you’re in but, I’ll see you around for sure one way or another.”

  
“Yeah well like you said I should probably get going,” I said, “See you.”

  
I started walking towards home. I almost wanted to book it just because I wasn’t sure he was lying about the whipping part or not and I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out, however I was less than thrilled to be going back home. When I got to the kitchen door I waited a minute running a hand nervously through my hair before I opened it stepping inside the kitchen. I figured Cole was probably right, that I was in trouble but, I had no idea just how much until that moment.


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will gets to why his Da warned him about his Uncle and the temper he has and gets to meet with the doctor after things get taken too far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now I do believe you have reached page 100 in Will's story. Yay. Now you have probably noticed that Will's this seems to be moving a little bit slower than John's did at this point. Will was starting school and trying to keep their younger brothers safe in his own way while John was upstairs trapped in Da's bedroom doing what he thought he was capable of doing to keep his brothers from getting hurt any worse then was already going on. So you get to see what the rest of the gang was up to while John was locked in the bedroom. So you're getting to see a little bit more action and that puts the date somewhere around early September and mum doesn't make it to the states until early December. **WARNINGS:** Physical abuse of a child, rape/non-con, underage, talk of sexual abuse, cult abuse, sex toys, anal rape, fighting, head injury

When I walked into the kitchen I froze like a deer in the headlights. He was sitting there a cup of coffee in one hand as he stared at the door his expression menacing as I walked in. I knew I was in huge trouble his eyes never seeming colder as he offered an angry strained smile slamming his coffee cup down on the counter coffee plopping over the edge of his cup onto the counter.

  
“And where the fuck were you?” He hissed at me.

  
“I…I went for a walk,” I answered him quietly my eyes down under the intensity of his gaze.

  
“Did I say you could leave? Did your Da say you could leave?” He spat at me coming over and grabbing me hard by the shoulders pushing me into the wall hard enough my head bounced off the wall behind me causing tears to instantly spring to my eyes, the pain blinding me as my brain felt like it rebounded off my skull.

  
“Well did he? Did I!” He asked again.

  
“No,” I said my eyes still trained on my feet afraid to look at him directly, afraid to see the hate there.

  
“You don’t leave without telling anyone you understand me? You don’t leave without asking if you can leave. You’re mine you understand me, this,” He said yanking me by my hair forcing my head up roughly, “All of it is mine! You understand MINE!” He yelled in my face before punching me in the stomach causing me to bowl over in pain grabbing my stomach as my legs gave out under me as my crying ceased for a minute the wind having been punched roughly from my lungs when his fist impacted with my stomach.

  
His foot came up above my side and he stopped in midair like he was about to stomp on me, cocking his head to side like he was thinking about it. He sighed lowering his foot back to the ground without making impact against my side instead bending down and picking me up carrying me down the basement stairs in his arms where he dropped me hard on my ass on the ground making me whimper quietly before I started crying again.

  
“I’M SORRY!!!” I managed to sob loudly as he grabbed me by my hair again tugging on it hard dragging me over to the bed by it and throwing me down face first into the mattress.

  
I didn’t dare lift my head instead opting to stay where I was burying my face into the comforter under me as sobs racked my body the bruises darkening by the second as he busied himself in the room doing something. After a minute I felt his weight straddle me something poking my shirt before I heard the snip of scissors cutting my shirt off my body.

  
“I don’t believe you’re sorry,” Ben hissed in a deathly whisper, “But you will be, I promise.”

  
I curled in on myself even farther until he punched me in the kidney yanking me to the side so that I rolled over, laying on my back him yanking off my still slightly damp jeans and underwear in one swift motion as he pulled his belt out of his belt loops. He looped it in his hand pulling it taunt a snapping sound hitting the air making me flinch and cower in fear.

  
“Should I? Or should I do something else?” He asked more himself than me as I dared a look at his face, “Yeah.”

  
He said it to himself again nodding his head as he shifted his weight pulling pillows off the bed and throwing them on the floor pulling me up towards the head of the bed by my arms not caring he was hurting me before he forced me flat into the bed something sharp and metal like being clasped around my neck like a collar holding me taunt against the bed.

  
“Wh-what are you doing?” I asked trying to find a hold on the collar to keep it from digging into my neck, trying to find a way to slip my fingers under it so I could put some room between the collar and my throat.

  
“You’ll find out,” He muttered leaving my line of sight as I tried to sit up my throat hitting the collar keeping me down causing me to choke as I whimpered shaking my right foot back and forth out of anxiety and to distract me from the pain in my side, stomach and head as I heard a humming noise coming from somewhere in the room.

  
My first thought was is that a drill? Has he gone like crazy pyscho dentist on me or something? Is he going to saw off my arm or something? I couldn’t figure out what the sound was and I couldn’t look to see what the source of it was either, the not knowing causing my panic to grow but me barely able to struggle at all.

  
“Please I’m really sorry, please don’t hurt me, please Uncle Ben I’m sorry I won’t do it again please,” I begged tears freely falling down my face as I gripped the sides of my head feeling my hair, not sure what else to do with my hands.  
“No you’re not you little shit,” He hissed at me bending over me his face inches from mine the smell of his breath like coffee and something else, something hot and like cinnamon.

  
Whatever it was in his hand that was buzzing he put against my thigh and I tensed expecting it to cut me but found in only vibrated causing me to frown in confusion before he smiled at the look at on my face disappearing from my sight line and prying my thighs apart before he started to shove whatever it was roughly up my ass my whole body screaming as I screamed. It felt like I was being ripped apart like he was taking a knife and twisting it just as he pushed it inside working it slowly into my body making me screech in pain me barely able to breathe my snot and tears not helping at all. He turned whatever it was on full blast sending a shock of pleasure through my over used and abused system my whole body collapsing as I found my voice died.

  
“There we go,” He cooed running his hands through my hair, “There we go. That will make you feel better. Maybe you’ll be a good boy now? Huh?”

  
I didn’t like it. I didn’t like that it felt like it was making my insides jingle while everything around it burned but whatever it was touching inside tickled, my chest heaving with effort to breathe. Was he trying to kill me? What was he doing? I didn’t like it I hated it and I couldn’t see it and could only see his face above me his one hand sliding through my hair as I cried as I wanted to beg him to stop to take whatever it was out but I wasn’t able to find my voice my throat raw from screaming and sobbing, from begging and being squeezed too tightly by the collar holding me to the bed.

  
“This is what we call over stimulation. Your body is feeling too many things at once. It’s not sure what to do, you’re brain probably isn’t sure what to do either,” He said quietly, “Usually I’m not a fan of it but, maybe this will help the lesson stick, that you’re mind that you don’t do anything without asking me first. That includes leaving this house to go anywhere but school. Now I’m going to leave you here for a while and I want you to think carefully about that. To let it drill into your skull just gently enough it tickles you like this vibrator against your prostate you understand me?”

  
I would have moved my head and nodded if I could have but instead I was frozen, trapped inside my body that thing shocking me over and over as it moved against one of the most sensitive parts of me leaving me speechless and gasping. He moved out of line of sight and I didn’t see him again for what felt like forever. I didn’t hear him leave the room. I didn’t hear him come back.

  
IT felt like I couldn’t hear anything over the buzzing of the toy inside me. I was only made aware of when he came back when his hand started caressing my balls making me stop breathing completely for a second the sensation feeling like fire traveling over my skin from the inside starting at my toes and moving it way up making me make a small whimper my lips trembling and my tears becoming so consistent I wouldn’t have been able to see him if he had been in my line of sight.

  
I remember it almost stinging, that it was so intense it almost hurt right on the edge of that point where it was pain blurring into pleasure my brain screaming at me to do something, do anything to get to stop and me not being able to even speak, to tell him no that he was hurting me. That I didn’t want this, that I was tired and my head still hurt and it felt heavy and I just wanted it to all stop so I could sleep as my head started to pulse with my heart beat as I felt warmness engulf me causing my body to trembling and shudder his nails digging into my hips as he kissed and licked and sucked him not stopping until I had a shudder rip through my entire system twice, until I was close to a third and I started to feel light headed started feeling myself falling asleep and then I heard it turn off.

  
My eyes were starting to close when he smacked me across the face causing my eyes to snap open, “None of that baby, come on stay with me.”

  
I blinked at him confused. I remember feeling confused wondering why he was smacking me, why he hadn’t punished me enough. Wondering what he wanted. Wondering why, if it was because I had done something else wrong.

  
“Come on baby,” He said unlocking the collar from around my neck and pulling me up, “No sleeping yet ok? I think you might have hit your head a little hard against that wall, you look really tired.”

  
He pulled me into his lap spreading his legs so he could settle me between them resting my head on his chest using his body to force me into a sitting position the pressure inside of me shifting the thing still in there, “Can you talk to me baby? Say something?” He asked me his lips moving against my temple as he whispered the words into skin.

  
“I’m sorry,” I crocked out.

  
“I know,” He said nodding his head, “Me too. I’m sorry too. I was so worried about you though. What if something bad had happened to you? What if someone took you from me? I wouldn’t have known for hours. What if you had gotten hit by a car? Baby you have to understand I was more scared than angry ok?”

  
“My head hurts,” I mumbled.

  
“I know,” He said, “I’m sorry you smacked your head.”

  
“I’m tired,” I said my eyes starting to close again.

  
“No, no, no,” He said sitting up straighter causing me to sit up straighter, “You can’t fall asleep not for a little while ok? We have to make sure your brain is ok. Here, let’s stand up.”

  
“I can’t,” I muttered clutching his forearm as he shifted to get out of bed, “It hurts I can’t.”

  
“You have to baby ok? We’ll go get in the hot tub by the pool ok? It’ll help you relax but I’ll make sure you stay awake ok?” he said finally getting off the bed and pulling me forward supporting my weight as I felt his hand go up the back of my thigh.  
“NO!” I moaned pitifully.

  
“I’m not going to do that, I’m taking it out ok?” He said pulling on the thing causing my body to burn again making me whimper, “I know, I know its ok. I was a little rougher than I should I have been I’m sorry. But that was just to show you what a stranger might do to you if they took you away ok? They might really hurt you. Just hold on it’s almost out.”

  
It slid out and he set it on the bed his finger almost breaching my hole before he pulled it away looking at it closely and smiling a little as he sighed with relief, “No blood that’s good. I was afraid maybe I had made you bleed. Ok, let’s get in the hot tub ok baby? It’ll help you not hurt so badly.”

  
I didn’t bother to respond as he picked me up in his arms again taking me up the stairs and through the living room naked and into the pool room him turning suddenly making my world spin like I was on a tilt-a-whirl.

  
“Oh, you scared me,” He sighed.

  
“What the hell did you do?!” My dad exclaimed, “I thought you said you had it under control Ben what the fuck?”

  
“He’s fine really, I got a little upset because he went for a walk and didn’t ask. We need to know where he is,” Ben replied.

  
“He looks like he’s out of it what did you do?” Da asked him.

  
“Nothing he won’t recover from I’m more worried that he hit his head on the wall honestly,” My uncle said.

  
“How hard?” Da asked him.

  
“Hard enough he bounced off it,” He answered.

  
“Ok,” Da sighed and I felt a hand on my head running through my hair, “A little bump on the back of his head. Will can you open your eyes for me honey?”

  
I felt like the room was spinning and I didn’t think opening my eyes was going to help me in any sense. I was tired my ass felt like it was on fire my prostate was doing something weird causing me to feel like my insides were twitching and my abs ached from where I had been punched and had the wind knocked out of me. I really wasn’t in the mood to open my eyes, speak or move my head. He sighed pulling my right eyelid open.

  
“I’m going to get my pen light and make sure his pupils are reactive if they aren’t we’re going to have to take him to the hospital,” Da sighed walking away.

  
“You’re fine aren’t you baby?” Ben muttered shifting my weight putting me on my feet having me stand.

  
“I feel sick,” I told him as my stomach started to churn the swaying of the room increasing to an uncomfortable level.

  
“Oh shit,” He said grabbing me catching me. I hadn’t even been aware I was falling, that I wasn’t holding my own body weight up my eyes wide was I tried to get them to focus my whole body shaking, “You’re ok, pull it together. Pull it together or we’re going to have to take you to the hospital ok? I need you to be a big boy baby come on…”

  
I shifted my eyes up to look at his face too quickly feeling my body react to the movement my stomach contents climbing up my throat before I threw up all over my Uncles chest, “Connor grab him some clothes we’re going to the hospital!” He shouted.

  
After that I don’t remember much. I remember the car moving, but I don’t remember them putting clothes on me, or helping me put any on myself. I remembering someone shinning a light in my eyes but I don’t remember them saying anything, I remember hearing people talking and bright lights every time I opened my eyes until I don’t remember anymore. My brain must have given out I guess, the throbbing pulsing pain too much for my body to handle.

  
The next thing I remember someone pulled my eyelid back causing my blink and try to pull away, “No wait a second there William I just need to check your eyes again make sure they are responsive,” A stranger in a white lab coat said above me smiling, “ok good you’re reactive I think you’re going to be ok.”

  
“Why did he throw up if he’s going to be ok?” I heard Uncle Ben ask.

  
“Well,” The doctor sighed turning away from me and towards him, “Sometimes when you smack your head, you get dizzy and sometimes being dizzy makes you sick to your stomach which would cause one to sometimes throw up. You see where I’m going with this Ben?”

  
“I’m telling you it was an accident,” Ben said from where ever he was standing.

  
“An accidental skull fracture because you accidentally shoved a 10 year old into a wall where he accidentally hit his head? You are so fucking lucky we have Hank to help take care of this or you would be in a world of trouble. You’re his contract holder it’s your job to take care of him. This isn’t Thailand where no one cares this kid isn’t a one, hell until he gets that brand he isn’t even in yet. You need to go back to Larkin or something, anything because this can’t happen again,” The guy said harshly.

  
“I have a skull fracture?” I asked interrupting Ben’s lecture.

  
“I’m Doctor Palmer, and yes, you have a skull fracture. Would you like to tell me how that happened?” He asked me.

  
I looked at my Uncle uncertain. This guy was obviously brotherhood or working for them but, that didn’t mean I could say what I wanted to. Saying the wrong thing might get me another punch to the stomach and I didn’t want that or worse yet that thing shoved back inside me again where I still felt raw.

  
“Go ahead, tell him no one can hear us the water tap is on,” My Uncle sighed from the chair he was sitting on.

  
“I left without asking,” I said not making eye contact.

  
“How did you get the skull fracture though?” He asked me quietly, “He won’t be allowed to hurt you again, not like that ok?”

  
“He was scared that something bad might have happened to me and he got upset. He pushed me into the wall and I hit my head then he hit me in the stomach and pulled my hair. He took me downstairs.”

  
Doctor Palmer’s eyes went back to my Uncle and I heard him grunt, “Are you kidding me? You dragged him down to your sex dungeon by his hair? What else did you do to him?”

  
“Showed him what some people might do if they got a hold of him,” Ben shrugged his shoulders.

  
“Did you at least prep him or did you just push in, ripping him? Because you said you had it under control and it’s seeming like you don’t,” The doctor huffed.

  
“It was a …toy,” I said barely above a whisper.

  
“Did he stretch you out first or did he just shove it in?” The doctor asked me this time.

  
“It hurt a lot,” I answered him.

  
“Ok,” He said going over to the wall and grabbing two latex gloves out of a box hanging on the wall, “I need you to lay on your stomach.”

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“I have to check, if you have a fissure or a tear it could cause problems so I have to check. You can either lay on your stomach or I can take the bed down and use stirrups but if I do that it might get me some questions so if you could lay on your stomach it would be better,” The doctor said giving me a small smile and I sighed and allowed him to help me roll over.

  
“Ok now, this is going to feel a little cold and uncomfortable as I’m sure you know I’ll try to be quick just breath in your nose and out your mouth as I take a look,” Dr. Palmer said, “And one…two…three”

  
He said counting me down as he stuck his finger inside me causing my breath to catch, “I know you’re doing well though I’m almost…and done.”

  
He removed his finger the stinging fresh setting my body on fire again as he put a sheet over my waist, “You did really good. There’s not tearing or fissures but it does look raw I’d say two or three days on a stool soften and then no sex for about a week.”  
“You mean no anal?” Ben questioned.

  
“No, no sex period give the kid a break he’s tired look at him he has bags under his eyes. The kid needs some breathing space. And we both know you can get a little overzealous when you have a new boy so just give him some room ok?” Dr. Palmer said to him.

  
“Yeah, got it,” Ben said curtly.

  
“Tell Connor he needs to wake him up every four hours just ask basic questions, who is the president of the united states, ask him what the date his, his name, he’ll ask him to list his siblings and their names and ages that should be hard enough without a concussion so if he can do that he’s probably doing good. Have him take Motrin I’m going to give him 800’s every four hours or as needed because in the next couple of days he’s going to have the biggest head ache of his life,” Dr. Palmer said.

  
“Are we done then?” Ben asked.

  
“Yeah I’ll be back with after care paperwork in a second, don’t go anywhere,” He said turning off the faucet and opening the door.

  
“You know I’m sorry right?” He asked me not coming near me but staying seated where he was as I turned my head looking in his direction.

  
“I know,” I answered him quietly.

  
“Well, you’ll be happy to know that your Da thought of this when we drew up the contract. He wanted a three strikes clause and he told me as I loaded you into the car this was strike one,” Ben said.

  
“How does all of that work?” I asked him.

  
“You mean contracting? It’s basically your Da and me signing an agreement I get in a say in different things in your life. Where you go to school, if you have afterschool activities, which ones, who you can hang out with, which adults spend time with you. How much time I get to spend with you what games we can play, sometimes even diets are covered mine isn’t that comprehensive it just says mostly what I have a say in what I don’t have a say in and how I can and cannot treat you.,” He said, “I’m not supposed to be violent with you but if I do injure you I have a three strikes clause I injure you severely three times and our contract is void. This, well a skull fracture is a pretty big injury so it would be one strike. It won’t happen again though,” He summed up.

  
“Oh,” I replied not sure what to say.

  
So they basically had signed a piece of paper saying that Uncle Ben was in charge of my life. Of what I could and couldn’t do including whether I could go to school or not. Was it a legal thing of some kind of just an organization thing I wondered but was too afraid to ask? However, the word contract made it sound official to my ten year old brain, made it sound like it was a legal thing.

  
“Are you still mad at me? For leaving without asking you?” I questioned him.

  
“No, I’m madder at myself now because I hurt you so badly and I didn’t mean to. I let my tempter get the best of me and it was a mistake. I should have known better,” He said just as Dr. Palmer reappeared with a bunch of paperwork for Uncle Ben to look at and sign before he helped me down off the exam table and we walked out into the parking lot.

  
We stopped at Taco bell on the way home for some food for just the two of us and headed home him being extra nice to me as we did so. Keep his hands to himself and trying not to shoot lingering glances my way. I still felt nervous being that close to him, feeling the heat come off his body in waves as he gripped the shifter in-between us so hard his knuckles were white like he was fighting himself some impulse is was having trouble not giving into.

  
“So…,” He said after a while of silence, “Are you looking forward to your school tour tomorrow?”

  
“I guess,” I answered shrugging my shoulders. What was I supposed to say? Sure I’m looking forward to meeting the old men who want to grope me who you’ll probably share me with? I mean what kind of answer was he looking for.

  
“You guess? Your Da told me you loved school back in the UK,” He said.

  
“Yeah I liked school back home that doesn’t mean I’ll like it here,” I answered.

  
“True enough,” Ben said as we pulled into the drive way me grabbing my bag of two tacos and getting out going up to the room I shared with James and laying down on the bed eating my food.

  
I didn’t do much that night. My head hurt too much to really keep my eyes open but it also hurt too much to really sleep Ben coming in a couple times as James slept soundly beside me giving me a pill and making me take a sip of water or two before leaving again. He did actually make me list my siblings once or twice to see if I was aware. My head pounding on and off in the darkness as I tried to sleep.


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Da finally takes the younger boys to tour their new school and Matt has some questions to ask Will which hints at Will there are things going on that him and John weren't aware of that break his heart and increase his worry for all of his brothers. Will overhears some snippets of conversation between Da and the headmaster that unsettle him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I think they talk about it a lot but you have to understand as the reader that the younger boys are at that age (6 and 8) where they are just becoming curious and learning about the difference between boys and girls and how everyone has a body that is a little different from everyone else. That all of these ideas are pretty new to them and radical. Their Da and uncle want them to think that what's going on is normal when because John and Will weren't raised that way from before they could talk and because of Mum's reaction to it they know it's very much not normal and very wrong. So these boys are getting mixed signals because one half of the people around them that they trust and love and care about is telling them "Yeah this is ok, this is natural it's normal it's ok but you can't tell anyone about it because they'll think something is wrong with it." and the other half is saying "No this isn't normal, this isn't ok this shouldn't be happening but there isn't really anything we can do to stop it." So there is a lot of confusion going on for Matt and Mike and James because of that so it is a topic that gets brought up a lot sometimes the same questions over and over to see if the answers change just like any kid their age would do. **Warnings;** Talks of sexual abuse and sexuality.

When I woke up I pulled off my shirt to go get dressed just as James was wiping the sleep from his eyes stopping with his fist half way to his face looking at me shocked as I turned to go out into the hallway and go to the bathroom.

  
“What?” I asked him.

  
“What happened to your tummy?” He asked me as I looked down at my black and blue stomach and sighed.

  
“I was bad so I got hurt,” I answered simply not wanting to talk about it or think about it thinking better of walking around the house shirtless and rummaging through my suit case grabbing a change of clothes before I attempted to leave again.

  
“What did you do that was so bad Da hurt you?” He asked me quietly.

  
“It wasn’t Da it was Uncle Ben,” I said, “Remember they took me away for a while yesterday?

  
“Yeah,” He said.

  
“I hit my head really hard. He got mad because I went for a walk and I hit my head really hard on the wall and he hurt my stomach so…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“He did bad things too,” James said causing me to sigh and close my eyes tightly. Now wasn’t the time to have that discussion we had to get ready for our school tour. We had to pretend we were normal.

  
“Hurting me and making me hit my head on the wall is pretty bad,” I answered, “I’ll be back in a couple minutes you should get dressed. Lock the door behind me ok?”

  
“Because of them?” He asked me quietly.

  
“Yeah bud, just to be safe ok?” I answered him.

  
“Ok, is John coming with us too?” He asked, “On the school tour?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly, “I’ll be back in a little bit.”

  
I shut the door behind me and waited until I heard the lock slide into place before I went down the hall to the bathroom. I didn’t want anyone to have a chance to grab him, to throw him down and hurt him while they lied to him, told him he would be ok, that everything was fine. Nothing was fine. If things were fine I wouldn’t have to tell him to lock the door or worry about locking the bathroom door once I stripped off my clothes. I wouldn’t have to worry about where my older brother was and where they were keeping him prisoner, if he was ok or not.

  
I wanted desperately to see him, to tell him what was going on that Uncle Ben was hurting me. That he had broken my skull. That he could have killed me and the only thing he had to say about was that he was sorry and it wouldn’t happen again. That Da had said nothing on the matter at all. That I felt like that meant I didn’t warrant concern. That Da had given me to uncle Ben to have sex with, to make me feel like I was less than human, like I wasn’t important and that worst of all I knew it was my fault. That I had let it all happen.

  
I thought those things as I quickly showered and dressed opening the door to find Mikey standing outside it crossing his legs doing a dance that made me smile slightly, “Have to pee?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, move!” He said pushing past me as I laughed shutting the door behind me.

  
I might have found them annoying and they might have bothered the crap out of me with their stupid questions that only god knows where they came up with those but I loved them. I loved looking at their faces their green eyes and dark blond hair, a completely different shade from mine and James’. I loved the fact that they were so short compared to me that I seemed almost as tall as John even though I was nearly fifteen months younger than he was. To me they looked like kids just like I thought I looked like a kid, limbs that seemed slightly too long for their tiny bodies and heads with cheeks that seemed a little too full even though they weren’t anywhere near fat. All soft edges and chubby faces and bodies. Nothing angular about any of us yet. Nothing sexy or handsome but, cute.

  
I went back to the bedroom and knocked on the door where James opened it fully dressed holding a hair brush and running it through his half brushed blond locks bristle side towards the ceiling making me smile, “Bud you’re using it the wrong way.”  
“Huh?” He replied tilting his head up to look at it, “Oh.” He responded turning it back around continuing to brush his hair.

  
“I thought you knew how to brush your hair already,” I told him.

  
“I do you distracted me, but I still don’t get how you tie,” He said.

  
“You’re shoes?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah I keep trying but it’s hard,” He said.

  
“I wouldn’t worry about it too much still you have a little bit. And I thought you knew how to do that already too,” I answered.

  
“I did but, I forgot,” He said.

  
I snorted back a laugh as I dug through my own suit case looking for my comb, which I preferred to a brush, “How do you forget how to tie your shoes?”

  
“I don’t know, I just did,” he answer shrugging his shoulders, “So we’re going to school today right?”

  
“Yeah I think we’re going after breakfast,” I answered him.

  
“Uncle Ben isn’t taking you away after breakfast like he seems to like doing?” He asked me as I felt the heat rise in my face.

  
“Don’t talk about that,” I said shaking my head at him.

  
“Why? He does,” James pointed out.

  
“I’m not saying he doesn’t I’m just saying right now we shouldn’t talk about that. Ok? That should only be talked about at home when we’re staying at home when we’re going to go out somewhere we should just play pretend ok? Just act like it doesn’t happen,” I said.

“You mean like how Da said we should pretend John is sick so the people at the school don’t ask questions about why he’s not with us?” He asked me.

  
“When did you talk to Da?” I asked him.

  
“Last night at dinner after Uncle Ben took you to see the doctor because you got sick. He said we should tell anyone if they ask that John is sick too and that’s why he’s not with us. That’s why he’s not starting school when we start,” James answered me.

  
“What do you mean he’s not starting school with us?” I asked him my stomach dropping.

  
That’s when I knew something was really wrong. I didn’t know what it was but, that’s why they were keeping us from him, that’s why I hadn’t seen him in almost a week was because they were hiding something or because he really was that sick and they just didn’t want anyone to know. What was going on? Why couldn’t I have my brother? They had taken my mum from me, and my youngest siblings that made me feel happy so why couldn’t I be with him when he was right there? Why couldn’t I spend time with him at least he knew how I felt.

  
“Well, Da said he’s not starting school with us, he didn’t say why,” James answered me.

  
“Ok,” I said, “Are you ready to go downstairs?” I asked James and he nodded his head, “Do you think they’ll give us waffles? I’m tired of pancakes I don’t like them.”

  
“What? I thought you enjoyed pancakes,” I said to him.

  
“Not the kind here they make my tummy hurt,” He answered me, “I want waffles.”

  
“Well, I don’t even know who made breakfast for all I know I’m making breakfast and if that’s the case we’re having scrambled eggs and regular toast,” I told him.

  
“I’m ok with that, as long as it’s not pancakes,” He replied.

  
“Ok, deal,” I answered back taking his hand as we walked down into the kitchen.

  
When we got there food was already made Da sitting down with Mikey and Matty Uncle Ben nowhere to be seen. Breakfast was not pancakes but not waffles either. It was French toast which I helped James stack onto his plate along with his eggs and bacon as we sat at the table, me reaching over a pour syrup over his French toast so he didn’t make a mess.

  
“Ok everyone is here…” Da got out before I cut him off.

  
“Ben’s not here,” I said.

  
“Uncle Ben you mean?” He asked me raising an eyebrow and I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“No he’s out but we’re going to talk about how to behave during the tour. You don’t talk about home what goes on here. You don’t talk unless someone asks you a question ok? I think we’re only touring the lower and middle campus or here I suppose most public schools call them elementary school and middle school because that’s where you guys would fall until next year when John ends up in the upper campus which is high school. So just keep your chatter down and don’t mention you’re alone time with me or your uncle while we are there ok?” Da said looking at everyone.

  
“But if it’s normal why not?” Matt asked.

  
“Because there are people who might be around who wouldn’t agree with it so we’re going to only talk about that type of stuff at home,” Da answered.

  
“Why don’t they agree with it?” He asked Da.

  
“Well, there are some people who believe that because you guys are young you shouldn’t know those things about your bodies and that it’s wrong to teach you that stuff but, it’s been proven that knowing those things benefit you in the long run. However it’s a private matter for at home. Like you guys remember when we talked about how mum got the babies in her belly?” He asked my brothers.

  
“Yeah how you’re swimming men helped the egg become a baby?” Mikey asked him.

  
“Yes, learning about our bodies is one of those conversations like that, we only have it at home,” Da said and their eyes all lit up in understanding.

  
“How did the swimming men get up there again and help the egg become babies?” James asked.

  
“Well…” Da said setting down his fork.

  
“Da’s penis,” I answered not looking up taking a bite of my food.

  
“Yes,” Da said nodding his head.

  
“How did the penis get into mum?” James asked, “Did you stick it in her butt too.”

  
Da sighed and smacked his own cheek lightly like he was trying to figure out what to say. I sighed. I didn’t want to tell him and it wasn’t my job but, he was the one who decided that putting his penis in people was his right so it only made sense to me he should explain it to my little brother.

  
“No, mum has a vagina and that’s where a penis goes on women or girls when they are old enough and that’s where the mum keeps her eggs that the swimming men turn into a baby,” He answered.

  
“So girls have them too?” James asked, “Like Catty?”

  
“Yes,” I answered, “You used to bathe with her don’t you remember?”

  
“Yeah but I just thought she was weird because she didn’t have a penis I didn’t know that was normal,” he announced to everyone, “I just thought it fell off.”

  
At that I snorted with laughter. That was funny. I thought that was golden. This is what happened when you decided that showing and doing was better than talking, your kid thought people’s genitals just fell off like it was no big deal.

  
“What made you think her penis fell off?” Da asked him curiously.

  
“Well I thought it fell off too because when she was born it looked like she had a penis in her tummy but then it just disappeared one day,” Mikey answered.

  
“That was her umbilical cord, that’s how a baby gets food while it’s in the mummy’s tummy,” Da answered, “I can see how that might make you think her penis fell off though but, that is supposed to fall off and when it does it makes a belly button.”

  
“Mummy’s feed tummy babies through their belly buttons?!” James asked his eyes wide with wonder.

  
“Yes,” Da said smiling his amusement showing, “I think I’ll get you guys a movie to watch about it later to cover other questions. But no talking about that stuff at school ok?”

  
“What’s the movie about?” James asked.

  
“Well it will tell you about how babies are made, what they are doing while they are in mummy’s tummy and how they get out of her tummy,” He answered.

  
“That sounds boring,” Matt said finishing his food and getting up to rinse his plate in the sink.

  
“I think it sounds cool,” James answered eating a piece of bacon.

  
“So no talking about that at school and John is sick ok?” He said.

  
“He’s not sick,” I braved, “You just don’t want us to see him.”

  
“No, he’s sick he’s really not feeling well so we’re going to have him start school a little later,” Da said.

  
“If he’s so sick why hasn’t been to the doctor?” I asked him.

  
Da sighed and nodded his head, “That’s a very good question and actually I think I’ll be taking him to the doctor shortly, in a couple of days. But leave John alone ok? He’s really tired.”

  
“I want to see him,” I said.

  
“Well,” Da said, “I don’t think that would be a good idea right now. I’ll let you know when you can see him though. But just know he’s ok he’s just sick all right?”

  
“Is he going to make us sick? Is that why we can’t see him?” Mikey asked Da.

  
“Yes,” Da said almost too excitedly at the suggestion, “That’s exactly right, smart boy Mikey.”

  
I sighed. He was lying. It was obvious to me he was lying but I didn’t know what to say about it. I felt like this whole thing had lies written all over it but I didn’t want to make Da angry or give him any reason to leave me alone with Uncle Ben not that he needed to have one and not that it mattered because I was contracted to Ben and I understood that meant I was his. That he could do whatever he wanted to me.

  
“Ok, is everyone ready? Because if so we should get going because our tour appointment is at 10,” He said as I grabbed Jay’s plate and my own and rinsed them off in the sink.

  
The car ride there was filled with music from some old radio station songs Da knew because he hummed to them under his breath. We found the school was only a 15 minute drive so it didn’t take us long to get there. The building looking almost like a castle or a fancy mansion bigger than our house where we saw a banner hanging outside the front gate that said “open house” and there were people with tables standing on the front lawn and kids our ages running around.

  
Da pulled into a small circular drive way and some guy came up to him and knocked on the door “valet?” He asked.

  
“Yes? Are you student here?” He asked.

  
“Yes sir, are you a special appointment? If so I can get father Barren to notify Headmaster Watson,” The guy said.

  
“Yes, tell him Mr. McGregor is here with four of his sons,” He said.

  
The kid motioned to another guy not too far away who was wearing a pair of black slacks and a button down his head red and bald sweating in the heat as he made his way over, “Yes?” He asked the boy curtly.

  
“This is Mr. McGregor he said he has a special appointment with his four sons?” The boy asked timidly as Da hopped out of the car and I made sure everyone else got out as he handed the keys over the other guy.

  
“Mr. McGregor! It’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” The bald dude said, “I’m Father Barren, excuse my lack of proper attire today but as you can see it’s quiet warm. Usually I’ll be in collar when I’m teaching. I teach Math in the middle and upper campus your brother has told me so much about you.”

  
“It’s a pleasure to meet you too,” Da said shaking his hand, “John is home sick sadly but these are my younger boys, this is William, Mathew, Michael and James.”

  
“Aren’t they handsome well behaved young men,” He said smiling brightly at us, “Well, I’ll take you to Mr. Watson before you start your tour are the boys going to be joining us?”

  
“Yes,” He said, “I didn’t have anyone to watch them so I figured they could probably get out of the house they know to behave don’t you boys?”

  
“Yes Da,” Mike answered quietly as the rest of us nodded our heads.

  
“Ok good, come along then,” Father Barren said as we followed behind Da walking through the main doors and taking a short right to a room that read “office” outside of it where Barren held it open for us and took us inside and knocked on a big wooden door that had a fancy plaque on the door that read headmaster.

  
“Come on!” We heard from inside before Father Barren opened the door.

  
“Mr. McGregor sir” He said, “And his sons.”

  
“Oh yes! Hello there Mr. McGregor I’m headmaster Watson,” He said getting up and shaking his Da’s hand, “It’s a pleasure to meet you I didn’t know you were bringing company.”

  
“The oldest is sick sadly and my brother had some errands so I had to bring them with me but these are my four younger son’s William, Mathew, Michael and James,” He said introducing us again as the skinny balding man shook each of our hands.

  
His hands felt like thin paper to me and it made my hand feel dirty just touching them. He didn’t seem too old in my 10 year old brain but he was older than my Da with glasses perched on his nose grey eyes staring out from behind them.

  
“Ok, well we’ll start the tour, if you could follow me this way gentlemen,” He said taking us back out of the office and to a short hallway that had double doors at all four ends almost like an intersection at a street light and he opened up the doors that said lower school clearly written on them, “This is our smallest wing it’s the lower school where I’m sure at least three of the gentlemen with us will be going to school. You’ll notice how this school seems to be split down the middle the set up to your right is going to be your music room and art room right out front and then if you turn right down this hall,” He said taking us down the hall is the gym, day care area for afterschool activities and library. The hall to the left has the classrooms,” He said turning around and walking the other way for a while.

  
“They are beautiful children,” I heard him mutter quietly to Da.

  
“Thank you,” He said smiling, “I didn’t marry Danielle for her brains.”

  
“Well, anyway, this room,” He said opening up a door, “Is our second grade room, sometimes the first graders will come in here for spelling and grammar as well it just depends on the fathers and what they are doing that week. Father O’Donnell and Father Carrington are our first and second grade teachers. This year we only have one teacher for third and fourth grad which is Father Mascot because the class had so few registrations. The gym doubles as the cafeteria where upper classmen from the upper school bring the food over from the kitchen in the upper wing and help serve for their extra credit hours. Now if you will follow me back, you’ll notice this wing is a little larger this is the middle campus. Its set up is much the same as the lower campus however if you go the very end of the hallway there is access to the track and then on the other side of the track is a door to the upper campus. We have a mentoring program during and after school hours for seventh graders where they spend some time with seniors hanging out and learning things, usually it’s how to write a paper, what’s expected of high schoolers. Sometimes they form really good friendships that help them feel more at ease when they finally do transfer to the upper campus.

  
“How is the middle campus set up? What age groups?” Da asked him.

  
“Fifth grade to 8th,” He answered, “I think that would be ages 10 to 13 usually.”

  
“So this is where you’re going to be going William,” Da said and Watson looked at me that glint in his eye making me shift uncomfortably.

  
“What do you think of it young man?” Watson asked me.

  
“It’s…its ok,” I said quietly.

  
“He’s shy?” Watson asked my Da.

  
“Yes, he’s quiet he can be shy,” Da said.

  
“Just means he’ll probably stay out of trouble. And next is the upper campus but, since none of your boys are in that age range we’ll have your oldest take the upper campus end of the year tour with the other kids going into 9th grade. Now if you follow me across the lawn we can tour our sister school…” He said and I allowed my mind to wander slightly wondering what was in the upper school that he felt we didn’t need to see.

  
I kind of wanted to know because it seemed like maybe there was something cool behind that door and that’s why he didn’t feel like showing us. Maybe it wasn’t really a school at all but just a giant room where all you did was sit around and hang out and eat junk food and to me that sounded like fun. I would have loved to spend a whole day away from my parents and brothers eating Twinkies and hoho’s. Even though the next year over I would get a chance to see it for myself anyway if the mentor program was real. We spend another hour or so there with Da and him talking quietly in-between rooms we toured.

  
“So you have good boys?” He asked Da at one point.

  
“Oh yes, very good I doubt you’ll see them in your office,” Da said.

  
“That’s too bad maybe I’ll have to make a home visit to see how they are adjusting?” He asked Da a slight smile on his face.

  
“Perhaps, we’ll see how it goes. If you want to talk with William though you’ll have to ask Ben about that,” Da said.

  
“Contracted?” He asked.

  
“Yes,” Da nodded his head and I felt my face go white.

  
Why were they talking about me like I wasn’t there? What if I didn’t want to talk to him? What if I had nothing to say and then it struck me that he didn’t really want to talk to me anyway. Not unless seeing me naked and touching me was now considered talking and I got nauseous from the thought. I didn’t want to be anywhere near that guy anymore grabbing James’ hand and forcing him to fall back a little with me.

  
“What’s wrong?” He asked.

  
“Nothing,” I answered, “I just think we should wait a second.”

  
“Don’t be weird,” he said, “I know something is wrong.”

  
“No, nothing’s wrong just wait a second ok?” I said to him through gritted teeth and something about the expression on my face must have told him not to question it because he kept his mouth shut and waited until I decided to move again us having fallen a bit of a distance down the hallway.

  
I made sure we kept that distance. Me not wanting to be any closer to the guy than I had to be. I didn’t want to think about what he would ask my Uncle about. How he could spend time with me is Ben said it was ok. Because even though the doctor had told him to leave me alone that didn’t mean he had to if he was in charge and I was just me and I knew that. I wasn’t stupid. I didn’t want to give this guy any reason to pay attention to me so I kept my head down for the rest of the walk around the girl’s campus and back to the car.

  
“Well that wasn’t bad what did you guys think?” Da asked us all.

  
“I thought it was boring but the library looked like fun,” Mikey said.

  
“I wanted to see the upper campus,” Matt said, “Why couldn’t we go over there?”

  
“Well the upper campus already has some classes going for the year because they start a week earlier so there really isn’t any reason to interrupt people from learning. You wouldn’t want some strange kids coming into your classroom that shouldn’t be there would you?” He asked Matt.

  
“I guess not, it would make it harder to listen to the teacher,” Matt answered after a minute.

  
“Well then now you know why we didn’t go see the upper campus that and the upper campus is years away for you guys. You’ll get to see it plenty at a later time I promise just not today,” Da said before he turned the radio back on taking us home.

  
After that things went back to almost normal for the rest of the week that being our last week before school started. There was a lot of swimming in the outdoor pool, a lot of TV some riding our bikes up and down the long drive way and Lego building. Da did get the video he promised and he watched us with it making us watch the whole thing before he would answer any more questions about babies and genitals because he figured it would answer almost everyone’s questions however James still couldn’t understand why you would stick a penis in a butt if it was meant to go into a vagina and Da told him because it felt good like when you stuck it in your hand. And then James asked if he could try it if that felt good and he told him no that James had to ask Da and Da would show him what it felt like and James went really quiet and didn’t ask again.

  
It seemed like both James and Mikey kind of knew that what Da was saying about teaching us, and how it was normal was a lie even though Matt didn’t seem to register that fact or didn’t care one way or the other. He just ignored it and pretended that if something was happening to them still it wasn’t. He didn’t seem to have any questions about it unless it was to cause someone discomfort almost like he wanted to watch the person squirm and see their reaction. Like he was taking enjoyment in watching others suffer.

  
Friday before our weekend our uniforms arrive and we were sorting through them, so we could get them separated onto the proper hangers and sent to the cleaners and Matt looked at me carefully.

  
“What?” I asked him thinking he had a question about our uniforms.

  
“What if someone else wanted to teach us like Da wants to teach us, would that be ok?” He asked me suddenly out of the blue.

  
“Wh-what?” I asked the question catching me off guard.

  
“You know,” he said, “What if someone said they wanted to show how good their hands can feel down there? Should we let them?”

  
“I don’t think you should no,” I answered.

  
“Doesn’t Uncle Ben teach you like Da teaches us?” He asked me.

  
I shook my head not looking at him, getting ready to walk away and come back later.

  
“I thought he was, I thought that’s why he took you downstairs sometimes but he hasn’t done that lately,” He said.

  
I hated knowing they knew. That they knew what he was doing to me and that Matt didn’t think it was a big deal. That someone touching you, putting their hands on you and making you feel sick to your stomach and gross inside wasn’t a big deal. That someone hitting you and tying you down while you cried and screamed wasn’t a big deal.

  
“No he hasn’t,” I answered after a minute or two of silence, “I’m going to go and huh…I’ll be back.”

  
“Is it that bad?” He asked, “When they stick it inside?”

  
I sighed. If I didn’t tell him it bothered me that badly how would he ever know? I turned around deciding to confront him, “Look you know how we’re not supposed to talk about it in public. I don’t want to talk about with you ok? I understand that you’re just curious and you want to understand but I don’t think its ok. I don’t think what they do is ok and so I don’t feel like…”

  
“Da says it’s ok,” He interrupted me causing me to balk at him.

  
“It’s not,” I said, “You can’t tell me it’s not until it’s you ok?”

  
“If they had done something to me how would you know?” He asked me.

  
“Have they?” I responded.

  
“If they had what makes you think I would tell you? Since you obviously don’t want to talk about it,” He answered.

  
“Have they?” I asked again.

  
“If they had would it matter to you? Because it seems like as long as it’s not you you’re fine with it,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Is that the only answer I’m going to get?” I asked him.

  
“Is that the only answer you’re going to give me? I don’t want to talk about it with you? How am I supposed to know anything else if someone doesn’t ask me about it? Tell me about it,” he asked.

  
“I’ve already told you it hurts ok? It hurts,” I said shaking my head.

  
“What about when they put their mouth down there? Because I didn’t think that hurt it felt weird but it didn’t hurt,” He said.

  
“Matt please?” I asked him.

  
“Fine, _” he said, “And now you know my answer to your question.”

  
“I’m sorry,” I said.

  
“It’s not a big deal it’s not like I’m the first,” he answered me, “Da said it doesn’t always hurt, only the first couple of times. When they stick it in.”

  
“It burns,” I answered not able to look him in the eye, “I don’t imagine it will ever not burn but it’s only for a minute or so.”

  
“Does it hurt after that though?” He asked me.

  
No. I answered in my head but sometimes I wish it did. Sometimes if it hurt it’d be better. I felt my throat tighten as I closed my eyes sighing.

  
“I’m going to go,” I said, “Just make sure your stuff is ready to run to the dry cleaners so Da can drop it off when he’s ready and pick it up tomorrow.”

  
“Ok, where are you going?” Matt asked me.

  
“Upstairs,” I answered calmly before I walked away leaving the three of them to talk amongst themselves in the living room.

  
I probably shouldn’t have left them alone but I didn’t know how to answer his questions and not be angry with him. Not be hurt that he wasn’t worried about how they made me feel, him asking me those things and expecting an answer. It also made me upset that I had somehow missed the fact that Da had raped him too. That John and I had both tried and failed to keep them safe and it made me wonder how long ago he had done it, whether it was something that had just happened or if it had happened back home before we ever left. I wasn’t sure which idea made me feel sicker.

  
I spent a lot of time in my room the room I shared with James that weekend coming out for meals and a little bit of TV but mostly choosing to hide. I knew I was probably almost healed the bruises on my stomach and side fading from a blue and black to a green and I knew pretty soon they would yellow and then be gone, my head hurting a little less each day my body feeling a little more normal and I knew it wouldn’t be long before he had me back in that room closing my eyes wishing he would leave me alone. That everyone would leave me alone to escape.

  
I liked being in that room by myself. I had always been a loner but this had only made me retreat farther into my own world. A world where it didn’t matter what he did to me. A world where I still had mum, and John and where I didn’t have to worry about them, where I didn’t have to worry about anything. A world that I left behind for reality every time I opened the bedroom door and stepped out.


	10. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have their first day of school with John still absent from their lives where Will gets acquainted with some of his classmates making him feel overwhelmed because it seems everything in his life revolves around his Da and Uncle in one way or another making him feel frustrated and alone. Making him miss his mum and brother dearly and worry for their safety.He gets invited to a party by one of the other students who he is uncertain of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 111-128. **Warnings:** Underage, talk of rape/non-con, cult talk, regular school day for Will. A lot of dialogue because well, it's kids at school.

That first Monday Da woke us up James clinging to me in his sleep and his body stiffening against mine when Da leaned over him touching his forehead. I sighed opening my eyes wondering what Da was doing. If he was going to hurt us before we were allowed to leave for school or if he had decided he didn’t want us to go at all.

  
“Its ok bud,” da said to him noticing that my eyes were open, his gaze turning to me, “It’s time to get up and get ready for school guys.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head sitting up slowly pulling James up with me putting my arm across his chest, “We’re getting up.”

  
“Don’t look at me like that I’m not going to hurt you,” Da said to me quietly, “I am after all a man of my word.”

  
“What does that mean?” I asked him.

  
“Nothing get up, get ready help James here,” Da said.

  
“Is John going to be coming to school with us?” I asked him.

  
“Now that, it not your concern and he’s sick remember?” He said.

  
“Da…” I started before he cut me off.

  
“Well, talk about it later,” He told me, “Now get up and dressed help your brother I’ll drive you for your first day.”

  
“Did they give me my placement?” I asked him.

  
“I got the email Saturday you tested into 7th,” Da told me, “Now up and moving come on.” He closed the door behind me leaving us there to get dressed.

  
“Are you ok bud?” I asked him feeling how tense his body was against my chest to which he sighed a nodded his head.

  
“Ok,” I said, “We need to get dressed and get ready for school then.”

  
I got up stretching and going to our closet where Da had given me our uniforms to hang up on Saturday pulling them out of the closet still wrapped in their dry cleaner bags the navy blue sweater vest tucked neatly around the white oxford button ups with the green and navy blue tartan ties trapped over the shoulders tucked under the collars of the shirts with the khaki pants hung on the hanger underneath. I took the smaller sized uniform and handed it over to James as he took it from me his nose wrinkling.  
“Yeah I realize but, it won’t kill us. It’s almost exactly like albrington,” I said.

  
“Grey and black is nothing like Navy blue and green,” James said.

  
“Fair enough,” I answered as I dug and undershirt out of James’ suit case and threw it at him.

  
I pulled off my shirt and went to go grab one for myself sighing as I bent over my back side still hurting slightly.

  
“You have a big bruise on your back,” James said.

  
“Where?” I asked.

  
“Can I touch to show you?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “Thank you, for asking I mean.”

  
“I don’t like it when people touch me anymore unless it’s you or John so I figured I would ask before I touched you,” James sighed coming up behind me and touching my back right above my waist on my right side, “Right there.”

  
“My kidney’s,” I commented, “He punched me in the kidney because it’s an easy way to make someone hurt."

  
“Why?” James asked.

  
“Because he was mad,” I answered, “It doesn’t matter why.”

  
“Oh, ok,” James said, “Can you help me?”

  
“Hold on,” I said tucking my under shirt into my pants and buttoning them up, “What do you need?”

  
“I’m not always so good at buttons,” He said, “When will that change?”

  
“You want to know a secret?” I asked him smiling, “There are some days where I’m not so good with buttons and I’ve seen it happen to John too sometimes. So I don’t think that ever really changes.”

  
“Really?” He asked me, “I’m not sure if that makes me feel better.”

  
“It’s ok,” I said finishing doing up his shirt, “Now let me get mine on and I’ll help you tie your tie ok?”

  
“Ok then breakfast?” He asked me.

  
“I did breakfast last night fruit bowls, it’ll be quick that way we aren’t late,” I said to him.

  
“Oh man I was hoping for eggs,” He told me.

  
“Well, just fruit maybe eggs tomorrow,” I told him as I did up my shirt and easily tied my own tie before putting my sweater vest on and fixing my collar doing the same for him, “Ok we’re good let’s go eat.”

  
“Are we going to be in the same school?” He asked me.

  
“Well yes,” I told him, “But I’m bigger so I’ll be in a different area of the building so we night not see each other until we get picked up but, I’ll still be around.”

  
We walked down the stairs to find scrambled eggs and bacon set out on the table and my two brothers with their ties and collars all messed up causing me to sigh. You would think my Da would at least help them with that. Tying their ties considering he was their Da too. It was his job to help them with those things not mine or John’s but his.

  
I came up behind Matty sighing, “Matty what did you do to your tie?”

  
“I tied it,” He said eating a bite of scrambled eggs.

  
His tie was tied like it was a shoe lace around his neck. Not anyway remotely close to what a tie should be tied like. I sat down digging into my own food sighing at him.

  
“Guys why didn’t you ask Da to help you tie them?” I asked.

  
“Because would you want Da touching you?” Matty asked.

  
“What’s wrong with Da again?” Mikey asked looking at Matt who shot him a death glare, “Find geeze don’t tell me. You usually tell me everything sometimes you don’t even talk.”

  
“It doesn’t matter Mike ok? I just don’t like people touching me,” Matty answered.

  
“I touch you,” Mike frowned.

  
“You’re different,” Matt answered.

  
“How is that different?” Mike asked.

  
“Mike you’ve been touching him since before you left the womb there isn’t a lot of room in there you realize?” I asked him.

  
“The room? What?” Mikey asked frowning and I laughed.

  
“Womb as in Womb like mum’s tummy,” I correct him, “You’re twins you came out of her belly at the same time. You were in there together. Did you think he just magically appeared once she gave birth or something?”

  
“No, I just never really thought about it. You are right though it isn’t a big belly even when she has a baby in it,” Mike said.

  
“Well yeah that’s why it looks like she swallowed a whale,” Matty said, “Because there is like five babies in there right now.”

  
“No, it’s only two,” I told him, “trust me I’ve seen her pregnant with you two as well as James and his brothers and then Laura and Andy.”

  
“I had a twin?” James asked.

  
“You have two brothers that makes you a triplet,” Matty said.

  
“Where are they now?” James asked.

  
“Sometimes babies end up going back to heaven before they are born and your triplet brothers did that,” I told him.

  
“Would I be weird if they would have lived?” James asked me.

  
“Weird?” I asked.

  
“Like us he means,” Mikey and Matty said in unison.

  
“Probably,” I answered, “You guys don’t remember how big mum’s belly was with them?

  
“No,” Matty answered, “I was little I don’t remember that. I barely remember Laura and Andy. I remember a lot of yelling from them but that’s it.”

  
“Crying,” I corrected, “Babies cry they don’t yell and you cried often as well.”

  
“Who cooked I thought you said we were having fruit,” James asked me.

  
“Probably Da,” I answered shrugging my shoulders before I looked at the time, “Ok, I have to fix some ties you two, please come here.”

  
They both sighed putting their plates in the sink before the came up and stood in front of me as I fixed their ties, “Now we’re not going to try it on your own right now because we have to go but you take the thin end and you let it hang just to right above your belly button like so…” I said showing Matt and Mike using Matt’s tie, “Next you’re going to cross it so the wide end is in back of the small end and then move the wide end so it’s on the right this side, and then after that you want to pull it up and into the loop you just made and then pull down to tighten it like so. If it’s not straight so the thin end is hiding perfectly underneath you need to do it again.”

  
“Cool,” Matt said looking at his tied tie.

  
I did the other one quickly just as Da came into the kitchen looking at us, “Are we all ready boys?” He asked us, “You don’t need lunch money because I pay it at the beginning of the week so you’re fine on that. So we should be ready to go.”

  
“Ok everyone let’s go to school,” I said making sure I grabbed book bags off the hook right next to the door.

  
The car ride was silent on the way to school where Da dropped us off in front of the building Matty and Mike helping James out of the car as Da stopped me from leaving by putting his hand on my chest. I sighed hoping he wouldn’t do anything bad. Knowing we were in public where plenty of people could see us. Not wanting to be touched.

  
“Be good ok? I know you’re one of the younger kids in your class going into 6th grade so you might get picked on but I want you to be on your best behavior Father Barney will be your teacher so I need you to just go to the teacher with any problems you might have. Don’t mention what you know ok? Pretend…”

  
“Don’t talk about the brotherhood or Ben or you at school I got it. John is sick if someone bothers to ask not that I know anyone anyway,” I answered.

  
“Good,” Da said nodding his head in satisfaction, “Be there for your brothers and I’ll come pick you up after school. I love you ok? Be good.”

  
“I’ll be good,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“Good, Ben said he misses you,” Da said.

  
“He’s been avoiding me I feel like. Not that I mind,” I said looking around bouncing up and down on the balls of my feet.

  
“ He feels, well I’m sure you know what he feels you’re smart,” Da leaned in close to my ear putting his hand on my shoulder making me shiver, “He’s afraid if he sees you he won’t be able to keep his hands off you.”

  
“Then I’d really rather not see him, wouldn’t I?” I said.

  
“When you get snippy your accent shows,” Da commented.

  
“Which one you do know I’m American right?” I asked him.

  
“Don’t go teen on me yet kid and I know you are but you’ve been back in the UK since you were five. You even still call the London town house home,” He said.

  
“I barely remember this house,” I answered, “I remember hiding from you and that’s about it.”

  
“Hiding from me?” Da said, “You mean John hiding you from me? Because I do recall those days but things are different now.”

  
“Yeah,” I said as the bell rang, “Well, I think I should get to class.”

  
“Yes, that would be a good idea. William, don’t behave like this again, it’s unbecoming.”

  
“Yes, Da,” I replied, “I’ll see you when you come to pick us up.”

  
I turned swiftly on my heel. He was right things were different now. I didn’t have to worry about him he barely looked at me since we had gotten home his eyes only on John since the first night where I stepped in to save James. He hadn’t touched anyone and I hadn’t seen John in nearly two weeks and that was worrying for all I could guess he was behind the locked door in the basement. I glanced at my class list again to check my room number before walking up to my classroom door 32M. I sighed as I walked in.

  
“You’re very close to being late Mr.…” The teacher said looking at me Father Barney written on the black board behind him.

  
“Mr. McGregor sir,” I answered quietly.

  
“ Ok Mr. McGregor don’t make a habit of it please,” He said as I sat down in a seat near the front, “Now this is your first year of middle school and I expect you to all behave like young men and not hooligans that you are going to be tempted to turn into. I will be teaching you you’re core subjects, Math, English, Science and Social studies which will cover a little bit of history as well as social issues. This year you will get sex education about reproductive health I won’t be doing that we’ll have a specialist come in for that. Now if you would please get out a pen and paper, I want you to write a short essay that you will deliver verbally to the class, four paragraphs telling us about yourself and what you did over your summer and go.”

  
He turned over a sand timer on his desk and it started running as he sat down behind it. I sat down not sure what to write about myself or what I did with my summer break. I wrote basically that I was younger than most of my classmates and that I had spent my summer holiday moving to America because I had. That this explained my slight accent. And then I sat there waiting for the timer to run down.

  
“Ok I hope everyone has written something down, Now we’re going to starts with Mr. Anderson and work our way through the Alphabet so Mr. Anderson please come stand up here and we’ll begin,” Father Barney said.

  
“Hello class,” The boy said turning to face us once he stood in front of the board, “My name is Mark Anderson and I will be 12 years old next week. I have one dog at home named skipper but no siblings. My Dad works as Lawyer at Dobbs and Son’s legal company. My mom is a homemaker. I don’t really know what else to say about myself. I enjoy playing on the Nintendo and walking my dog to the park where I hang out and swing on the swing set. I also like watching TV even though my mom watches a lot of cooking shows that annoy me,” He wiped his sleeve on his forehead at this point probably out of nervousness almost running a hand through his head of squishy curls as he peered up from his paper before continuing.

  
“This is only my second year at this school and I moved here from Massachusetts two years ago. When I was in Massachusetts I lived near Cambridge which is where Harvard University is located and where my Dad went to school. Did you know it one of the oldest universities in the United States? I didn’t know that until last year. I am hopeful I will make lots of friends this year but I do know Joel and Edward from last year and I noticed they are in this class too. We did hang out over the summer riding our bikes through the neighborhood and one day our moms took us all to the beach together. We had a really good time on that day. The only thing I didn’t like about that day was how much sand got into everything we brought to the beach.”

  
“Very good Mr. Anderson,” Father Barney said, “Ok Mr. Bennett you’re up.”

  
After that he called several other people until he got to a name I thought I knew, a name that sounded familiar, Larkin. Where had I heard that name? I was confused as I listened to the boy talk. His brown hair curling lightly around his ears his dark brown eyes peering out from behind his fringe timidly as he looked at the class before clearing his throat and reading,

  
“My name is Theodor Larkin and I’m 11 years old but, my friends call me Ted. I have lived in Union Park for most of my life even though my Grandpa has taken me all over the world. I have been too many different places with him and my older brother Ben including, Rome, London, Paris, Liverpool, Dublin, Florence, Venice, and Madrid. We’ve had lots of fun traveling all over the world together.

  
My older brother is the only brother I have and my parents are divorced. My Dad lives in Utah with his new wife Emily which I visited for two weeks over the summer. They got me a dog. My new dog is a German Shepard but it lives with my Dad. I wish my dog could come live with me here.

  
I like dogs and would really like to have one live here but my mom says we can’t have one. My grandpa is very rich and owns a lot of things including his own business. I’m not sure what he does exactly but if we have a parent day I think I might invite him instead of my mom to talk about his job because his job seems exciting. My mom is just a doctor for people who have head problems and that doesn’t seem fun to me at all.

  
When my parents got divorced my mom changed her last name back to her maiden name and mine and my brothers too. So this means that my brother and I don’t have the same last name as my Dad which is Lorde. I don’t know why my dad moved so far away after the divorce but I miss him being close and I miss having his last name because it’s the same last name as my grandpa that takes me to all the cool places he does.”

  
There was a Morello who went before me and then it was my turn, “My name is William McGregor and I’m certain I am younger than most of the pupils in our class I am only 10 years old. I just moved back here recently after being out of the United States for a while. I lived in the United Kingdom for four years and went to a boarding school where I would only come home to my mum, Da and younger siblings on the weekends.

  
I have a lot of younger siblings being the second oldest child in my family my older brother is John and he is 12 and then my next two siblings are a set of twins and their names are Matt and Mike even though we call them Mikey and Matty at home. After them is my brother James who is six. The rest of my siblings are with mum in Europe right now. The rest of my siblings are Catherine, Laura and Andy another set of twins, Malachy and then she is pregnant with another set of twins. They are 4, 2, 2 and one years old.

  
While I have only lived here and in the UK I have been to many different cities throughout my life. I have been to Belfast, Dublin, Inchibrackane, Paris, Limerick and Liverpool. Where the Beatles are from. Most of these cities are in the UK and Ireland where my mum and Da are from.

  
I lived in London in a townhouse for most of my school years so far. Even though I was born here. I don’t really know anyone here and I am hoping to make a lot of friends. I enjoy, reading, football and playing with my brothers and sisters.”

  
There were only two more classmates after that being a small class of only 13 students Julian Patterson and Andre Smith. They were both 11 and one of them had spent their vacation in Canada in a cabin and talked about how they thought it was weird there were bears that ate their trash one time and the other one talked about how he had three older sisters that he found annoying as his next door neighbor.

  
“Does anyone have any questions for anyone?” Father Barney asked the class as Andre Smith sat down.

  
“Where is that I place whatever it was called Will is it?” someone asked from behind me when I turned around to look finding it was Mark Anderson.”

  
“Ichibracken? It’s in Ireland my ancestors come from there. They build a castle there a long time ago that my grandparents still own. That’s why we went there. I spent a whole holiday break there when I was six so like four years ago?”

  
“Wait your family owns a Castle?” Kevin Green asked me.

  
“Yes,” I said, “It’s not a fancy Castle or anything we can’t do anything with it it’s just a historical site.”

  
“That’s still pretty cool,” Kevin said his eyes lighting up, “Did you actually get to see it?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “We have two actually the other one my grandparents actually live in and they have like old swords and stuff on the walls. It’s called Blackrock. Apparently it’s like a really big deal because it’s there because of some pirates that kept attacking the village. That one isn’t nearly as old as the one in Inchibrackane which is probably why it’s still able to have people living in it.”

  
“Where are they at in Ireland? Are they near like Dublin?” the kid, Morello asked me.

  
“No actually they in Cork county,” I answered, “It’s in the south of Ireland.”

  
“Are you related to like royalty then?” Someone else asked.

  
“I don’t know, I think so,” I answered, “I know we’re related to a Clan that migrated from Scotland during the Jacobite rebellion but that’s all I know.”

  
“What is a Jacobite rebellion?” Someone asked and before I could explain Father Barney cut in.

  
“It was a time during the reign of King James the second of England. A bunch of the Scottish men from the Scottish highlands called Jacobite’s decided he shouldn’t be on the throne and tried to put someone else on the throne. It’s a long story which maybe if we’re lucky you’ll all get to hear about. Now if you look at the time it’s almost time for lunch and you are…” Just then the bell rang, “Dismissed.”

  
A bunch of the guys came towards me as I left going to my locker to put some of my books away, “That’s kind of cool. That you’re like royalty or something I mean your family owns castles!” Anderson said.

  
“Honestly I don’t think it’s that cool,” I answered, “What about Ted he’s been to the Middle East.”

  
“Ted is weird,” one of the other guys said that was around me I couldn’t remember who he was.

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“His mom is a shrink I think she gives him drugs that mess with his brain and his grandpa is creepy and spends a lot of time at his house. He’s not supposed to like his mom I mean that’s like his ex-daughter-in-law so why is he so close to her?” Mark asked me.

  
“My uncle lives with me,” I said.

 

“McGregor?” Ted said his head shooting up in my direction.

  
I swallowed. He knew something, what did he know? I wasn’t supposed to talk about this in front of people.

  
“Yeah,” I said looking at him nervously.

  
“Guys can you bother someone who doesn’t own a castle for a minute?” Ted asked the guys gathered around me, “I have a feeling he might be a little overwhelmed.”

  
“He’s fine aren’t you Will? What else do you know about being British?” One of the guys asked.

  
“I’m not really British I was born here just raised there and my mum is Irish. I was born in New York from what I’ve been told. Now if you don’t mind I would rather eat lunch with my book,” I said grabbing the giver out of my locker before slamming and walking away.

  
Everyone seemed to take that as a hint to leave me alone. Everyone except Ted who seemed to be following me while everyone else went to their own lockers. I sighed turning around.

  
“Don’t follow me,” I warned him.

  
“I know your Uncle,” Ted said quickly and quietly so no one would overhear, “My mum is his doctor. He knows my grandpa. I don’t like my grandpa nearly as much as I made it sound like just…didn’t know what else to say.”

  
“If you know my uncle then you know I don’t want to talk about this. And we’re not supposed to anyway,” I said.

  
“You’re his then?” He said still keeping his voice low.

  
I shook my head, “I’m not talking abou…”

  
He cut me off, “It gets worse. It always gets worse you think it can’t? You think you can do this alone?”

  
“I have siblings. I’m not alone,” I said even though I knew what he was saying. Da was keeping the only person who really knew how it felt from me. Keeping us separated leaving me to look after everyone else. To deal with everyone else on my own to cuddle them as they cried because they were sore and they hurt.

  
“Wait until he makes you start having sex with them. You think they’ll help you? You think you’ll still be friends with your brothers then?” He hissed at me.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Look you need friends ok?” He said changing the subject, “I’m offering to be your friend me and Chuck, we’ve never been a part of any other world. I can help you just think about it.”

  
“No what are you talking about?” I asked him my eyes wide disbelieving.

  
“Come on,” He said grabbing the sleeve of my blazer and taking me into the nearest bathroom checking all of the stalls before he spoke again, “They make you do things together. I don’t know why but things aren’t ever the same after they do that.”

  
“Like sex things?” I asked.

  
“Yeah,” He said tucking his hair behind his ear again his eyes wide, sad, “Chuck and me don’t really talk about anything like that anymore. It’s too weird. Knowing that we…we just can’t. We used to. We used to all the time talking about how badly we wanted them dead and how badly we wanted them to just leave us alone but it feels weird now.”

  
“What about your mum does she know?” I asked him.

  
“She encourages it. She sounds like them.” He put on a mock high voice mocking his mum, “Their just teaching you things that will help you in life. Teaching you things that you can use to your advantage allowing you the opportunity to go to any school, have any career you could ever dream of and succeed…my om is nuts. She’s beyond nuts.”

  
“I’m sorry. I think if my mum knew she would stop it or at least try,” I said.

  
“You’re lucky then most of us don’t even really have moms. Most of our moms leave or their dead,” Ted said, “I’m one of the few where my mom is around she’s just as crazy as they are. However my grandpas are both really good friends so it makes sense I guess. Two people who raised their kids to believe the same thing who successfully brain washed them. My mom doesn’t even love my Dad. I don’t think she can love anyone.”

  
“I’m sorry, I can’t imagine having a mom that hates me,” I said.

  
“Thanks, what’s your mom like?” He asked me.

  
“My mum. She loves people too much. She keeps giving me all of these chances to change. She wants to believe he has and yet when we came here there he was. He was at the airport waiting for us. I didn’t…know. I thought it might be like this once he looked at me, when he saw me but, I didn’t know,” I said feeling my eyes burn.

  
“Ben’s difficult,” Ted said quietly.

  
“He likes controlling everything,” Ted said, “that’s why he didn’t like me. Because there were certain things he wanted me to do that I couldn’t. Like not cry. I was seven. How do you stop a seven year old who is scared and in pain from crying?”

  
“It doesn’t feel very good that’s for sure,” I said not wanting to mention anything Ben had done to me. Not to him not to a stranger. I didn’t care how familiar he was with my uncle he didn’t know me and it was something I didn’t want to talk about with him.  
Ted cleared his throat, “Well, anyway. Maybe this wasn’t the best way to start this conversation?” He said reading the look on my face.

  
“Probably not,” I concurred.

  
“Well you know I’m Ted are you Will or William or Bill, Billy?” He asked me.

  
“Will,” I answered.

  
“Can we try to be friends?” He asked me.

  
“Yes, I have to warn you though not many people like me. They say I’m moody and silent,” I warned him.

  
“Really? That’s how people say I am too and weird,” He answered, “So lunch?”

  
“Yeah Lunch,” I said nodding my head as I walked back out of the bathroom turning towards the cafeteria, “I haven’t gotten weird yet but, I’m still young.”

  
“Yeah, you are,” He said stopping to look at me, “How are you ten and in the seventh grade?”

  
“Well, they made me take a test and I tested into grade seven,” I told him.

  
“The education is that much better over there?” Ted asked me.

  
“I guess,” I answered, “I never really thought of it as that different or better it was the only education I really remembered I only went to school from like preschool to first grade here so it’s not like I had a lot of school experience when I left. I mean I still don’t have that much school experience now.”

  
“That’s true, you’ll be like 16 when you graduate unless they skip you again,” Ted mentioned as we finally made it to the lunch line and were handed trays of what looked like the lamest ham sandwich and salad in the world.

  
“So were you really going to read your book on your own at lunch?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, I like reading,” I said.

  
“I like dungeons and dragons,” Ted said.

  
“Really?” I said, “I’ve never played.”

  
“It’s not for everyone,” He said, “I had a friend Gino in Italy he was into playing it. He made it fun.”

  
“Was it fun,” I asked him.

  
“I liked to enough I play it sometimes with a couple of…never mind,” He said looking towards the 8th grade table at a guy that was staring our way before we turned back to me.

  
“Who is that?” I asked him.

  
“Someone who hates me,” He commented taking a bite of his salad.

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“Well,” He dropped his voice again so only I could hear him, “We have a ranking system and I’m a five and Lathan is a three.”

  
“I met some guy named Cole and he told me about that a little bit,” I said.

  
“Gables?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“He goes here I don’t see him today but if he’s not home he’s here somewhere,” Ted said.

  
“Do you know much about him?” I asked him.

  
“Poor kid is fucking brotherhood bait, another three. I don’t know a lot of them like the look of him like I’m sure they will like yours too,” he said.

  
“What the hell?” I asked him standing up and walking away.

  
“Dude, relax I was kind of joking,” He said as the whole room looked at us.

  
“That’s not funny,” I said shaking my head, “It’s not funny.”

  
Just then some redheaded guy walked up to us looking between the two of us nervously, “Is everything ok here guys?”

  
“Go away 2nd best we’re fine,” Ted said.

  
“2nd best?” I asked.

  
“Never mind that,” Dom said shaking his head, “This isn’t a rank racket ok? I’m just checking to see if he’s ok which by the way calling me that gave me a hint leave the kid alone Ted.”

  
“I don’t care how old you are 2nd best I’m making a new friend,” He said.

  
“What the hell?” I asked again, “Can’t we just be normal or is that too hard for you people?”

  
“Listen kid, I was just making sure you were ok. I’m sorry I stepped into whatever this is,” the guy named Dom said his eyes pleading me, even though they were hazel almost brown reminding me of John’s. A calm panic stirring behind them.

  
I sighed calming myself down. This guy if he really was a two was risking a lot of things to go up against Ted I was sure about that. Cole hadn’t told me a lot about the ranking system but Ted seemed like he was a higher rank then Dom at least that had to be the case if he was calling him 2nd best.

  
“I’m fine,” I answered quietly, “He’s just being a jerk.”

  
“Well you said people thought you were mean,” Ted said, “So now you’re saying I’m mean.”

  
“Maybe not mean but damaged. That wasn’t a funny a joke,” I said.

  
“What joke did he make?” Dom asked me quietly.

  
“He said they’d like the look of me,” I said.

  
“Oh he’s talking about fucking skin color,” Dom sneered.

  
“You would know wouldn’t you second best?” Ted mocked.

  
See while Ted was tan and looked like he had spent a good amount of time out in the sun with Chocolate eyes and dark brown hair, I was pale. Irish pale even though I did have a mum with red hair so maybe it was just genetics but I never tanned and had to swear sunscreen otherwise I’d become a lobster the same went for most of my family. I had blond hair and green eyes with a light dusting of freckles across the bridge of my nose.

  
“Why would you make fun of someone for that?” I asked him.

  
“I wasn’t. I was pointing out you’re unlucky,” He said, “Probably not as unlucky as him but still unlucky.”

  
“Why is that funny?” I asked him still confused as to why that would be something to joke about, why my uncle raping me was funny to him. I thought he had wanted to be my friend. Maybe this was why I avoided people?

  
“Because he’s maladjusted,” Dom muttered.

  
“Hey I don’t want to hear it you want me to talk to my grandpa’s?” He asked Dom.

  
“You know what? I’m leaving good luck I’m sorry you’re having a hard day kid I hope it gets better for you,” Dom said walking away.

  
“I’m done,” I sighed grabbing my sandwich and throwing away the rest of my tray as I walked off. I took my book and I walked away finishing my sandwich before I made it back to my classroom. When I got there the door was open and I walked in causing Father Barney to look up from his desk.

  
“Mr. McGregor?” he asked me and I nodded my head, “You left lunch early?”

  
“I’m…anti-social,” I answered sitting down at my desk.

  
“Must be hard,” He said.

  
“Sir?” I asked him.

  
“Being new. Not knowing anyone. I thought you and Mr. Larkin looked like you were hitting it off back there,” Father Barney said.

  
“Not really,” I answered, “Am I allowed to read a little before class Father?”

  
He sighed clasping his hands together on his desk before he looked up at me, “I’m not supposed to be in a room alone with students.” He said quietly.

  
“Huh, oh,” I said standing up.

  
“It’s not you my child it’s me,” He said.

  
“Can I leave then? Should I?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t want you to,” He told me that look on his face that made my throat tighten.

  
I stood up slowly not sure if I should move or not. Knowing that sometimes that look meant it didn’t matter how I moved every small twitch like an animal a hunter was watching waiting for the right moment to shoot. I grabbed my book in my hand and slid out of my seat to the side into the aisle backing away slowly.

  
“Father,” I said quietly, “You’re not going to hurt me are you?”

“I don’t want to,” He said, “I want to get to know you.”

  
“You mean kiss me?” I asked him, “You mean touch me?”

  
“Not if you don’t want me to,” He said, “We can be friends.”

  
“No,” I said slowly making my way towards the door, “Father we can’t. We can’t be friends you don’t want to know me. That is if you were allowed to know me at all.”

  
“Why do you think I’m not allowed to get to know you?” He asked me.

  
“Because I’m brotherhood,” I said.

  
“You don’t seem like it,” He said.

  
“I am,” I said, “New but still. I’m huh I hate myself no one needs to know me. If you need to know anything about me it would be that.”

  
I was almost to the door when he stood up causing me to drop my book out of fear. He was going to hurt me. I knew he was going to hurt me and I didn’t want him to but, I didn’t want to beg him not to either. I just wanted a normal day. A normal day where someone didn’t try to hurt me. Didn’t joke about the fact people were hurting me or tell me their sick little secrets. I just wanted to be ok. For things to be manageable.

  
“It’s ok,” he said, “I won’t hurt you.”

  
“No,” I shook my head still walking backwards toward the door. That was something he always said. Uncle Ben before he made me take my clothes off. Before he pushed into me that pressure burning, too much as he made me face him.

  
“I can be nice no one has to know,” He said as I backed out of the room slowly into the hallway my heart pounding. I wanted him to keep his hands away from me, “We don’t have long. Just a kiss that’s all.”

  
“I’m contracted,” I blurted out thinking of the word, thinking of something that would keep him away from me.

  
“Who? You’re not even branded yet,” He said stopping his approach blinking at me.

  
“It doesn’t matter that means you can’t touch me right?” I asked him.

  
Just then the bell rang and he sighed, “I’ll find out you could just save me some trouble and tell me.”

  
I turned and ran until I made it back into a bathroom locking myself into a stall. Why did they hate me? Why couldn’t they just leave me alone? Even school couldn’t be normal? I sighed trying to keep myself from crying. Trying to keep myself from freaking out. Even my teacher had the hots for me. Maybe Ted was right maybe it was the way I looked.

  
“Is everyone ok in here?” I heard Dom’s voice.

  
“Yeah I’m fine,” choked on the words.

  
“What’s your name kid?” He asked me.

  
“Will,” I said.

  
“The one Ted was bothering da? Come out here, let me see you,” He said and I sighed heavily opening the door.

  
“First you’re going to get in trouble for skipping if you stay here the whole hour and secondly Ted isn’t friends with anyone. Ted’s an asshole he might only be 11 but he’s a five and a lot of fives aren’t nice guys. I mean I know a couple that aren’t horrible but most of them are assholes. So I would stay away from him. What teacher do you have?” He asked me.

  
“Father Barney,” I answered.

  
“Ouch he’s a weird one I’d…” I stopped him.

  
“Yeah,” I said, “He asked if he could kiss me.”

  
“Really because usually he asks and then doesn’t understand the word no,” Dom said, “How did you get past that?”

  
“I told him the truth, I’m contracted,” I answered.

  
“You?” He said, “I’m sorry. That really fucking sucks. Who is it?”

  
“My Uncle.”

  
“Who is your Uncle?” He asked me quietly.

  
“His name is Ben,” I said.

  
“Ben McGregor?” He said his eyes going wide, “You’re how old? 11?”

  
“Ten,” I answered.

  
“Oh fuck,” He muttered under his breath and it looked like he was about to start crying, “Fuck. He’s bad news kid.”

  
“He gave me a skull fracture,” I said, “I don’t even remember what I did to deserve it.”

  
“Knowing him probably nothing he probably just felt like it,” Dom said, “Are you ok now?”

  
“Bruised,” I answered, “Killer headaches some doctor told him to leave me alone for a while.”

  
“Dr. Palmer? He’s not a bad guy just a guy stuck in a bad situation,” Dom said, “He might be able to get you out one day. Of this I mean. You’re way too young now but he might be able to help you disappear get away from all of this get you a new identity a new home where no one will ever be able to do those things to you again.”

  
“I have younger brothers and sisters I doubt I’ll ever leave them,” I answered him, “And my older brother. He’s protected me my whole life.”

  
“Not very well,” Dom said.

  
“As best he can,” I hissed.

  
“Woah, sorry I hit a nerve there,” Dom said.

  
“John tries my Da used to beat the ever living shit out of mum and do horrible things to John when I was little. John hid me, he protected me to make sure Da didn’t hurt me. He tries it’s…it’s just not working anymore.” I said.

  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult your brother. How old is he?” He asked me.

  
“He’s almost 13,” I answered.

  
“Why haven’t I met him then?” Dom asked me.

  
“I don’t know where he is. Da keeps saying that he’s fine, that John is fine but I don’t think he is. Something is wrong and Da won’t let me see him, he won’t let anyone see him,” I said.

  
“That has to be hard. The only person you feel like knows what any of this is like for you and you can’t even be near them? That has to really suck,” He said.

  
“I’m scared something bad happened to him,” I said, “And that Da just won’t tell me.”

  
“Why?” Dom asked me his eyes filled with worry for me.

  
“Da is…Da is different with him. Da whenever the family is all in a room together he only ever watches John, talks to John, looks at him wants to touch him. He …” I stopped I felt like I was saying things I shouldn’t. That they weren’t mine to talk about and it felt wrong.

  
“I know some people like that,” Dom said nodding his head, “It’s not common especially when it’s your own kid but sometimes a handler or contract holder has been known to fall in love with a bottom or two.”

  
“What!?” I frowned.

  
My Da in love with my brother? My brother?! His son?! That wasn’t right that was just gross that was beyond anything I could understand. How on earth could you be in love with your kid? Your own kid? That was disgusting. I felt my stomach jump. I don’t know why it hadn’t occurred to me before that moment but the more I thought about it the sicker it made me but the more it made sense.

  
Dom was right. The way he looked at him and Da seemed to use everyone else as a substitute of some kind of he couldn’t have John with him. The way Da ignored my little brothers and me to the point where I was basically taking care of us while my uncle took me and fucked me. But otherwise we were eating take away or I was cooking or I thought Da was cooking but maybe he wasn’t because you never showed any interest in feeding us at least not out right and it was always simple foods like grilled cheese and soup or Kraft mac and cheese. So maybe it wasn’t Da at all.

  
“It happens,” Dom said quietly, “It might actually make him safer depending on what your Dad is like. A lot of handlers or contract holders who fall for someone will protect them. I had a friend their Dad was…like that he moved to New York but his Dad hated taking him to parties and he could never contract him, not ever. Sadly Damon got involved with a girl and his Da wasn’t too happy about that. We were like 9. I miss Damon. He’s lucky it wasn’t a guy he fell for because they his Da might have killed him.”  
“Yeah, someone else told me that,” I said, “If you fall in love with someone they don’t want you to, you die.”

  
“That’s because we don’t have brains. We’re theirs. We’re their toys. If we find one that’s nice to us we’re lucky. Most of us aren’t lucky at all,” Dom said, “I really hope your brother is ok.”

  
“My Da has a temper and John would never feel the same way about him. He hates not getting what he wants. He’ll punish John however he can if what you say is true,” I answered Dom.

  
“Well, tell your brother that he’s not alone ok? Make sure he understands he’s not alone,” Dom sighed, “Look I have to get back to class myself I’ve already been gone long enough. Don’t let father Barney find out who your contract holder is. If he gets permission he’ll do it. He will don’t doubt that. However, if he thinks you’re worth the time he’ll try to butter you up first, give you good grades, gifts whatever. Don’t fall for it.”

  
“I won’t,” I answered, “I don’t have any interest in that.”

  
“All right,” Dom answered walking away leaving me in the bathroom where I used the bathroom and washed my hands putting some cool water on my face before I walked back to our classroom where I found a note on my desk.

  
“Will,  
I’m sorry I upset you so much I wasn’t trying to be a jerk. I know that doesn’t excuse my not so funny joke. I’m having a party at my house a beginning of the year party where a lot of people will be guys and girls. I’d like it if you came party is at 5 on Friday let me know if you can make it.”  
Ted.”

  
I looked over at him and nodded my head letting him know I was ok with going. If Cole was there I had no problem being around. I had liked Cole he had seemed like he was cool, someone John would like to hang out with and if I was at some party I didn’t have to worry about Ben watching me and I wouldn’t be worrying about what John was doing, where he was and stressing out about how I couldn’t help him. And how badly I needed him.


	11. Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will gets home from his first day at school thinking about his friends only to come home to the same problems the same nightmare. James tries to stand up for his big brother while they discuss where John might be and how to get him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 128-146 **Warnings:** Rape/non-con, sexual abuse, anxiety, neglect (because he's taking care of his little brothers so if you want to be completely realistic Da is neglecting them. Swearing.

The rest of the school day went by easy small breaks in-between subjects until it was time for the bell to ring leaving me standing at the drop off drive waiting for my Da. When I got there Da didn’t pull up but instead Uncle Ben making me hesitate when he rolled down the window of his car.

  
“You’re ok we’re going home get in,” He said briskly.

  
“I…,” I sighed.

  
I wasn’t ready to deal with him yet. Not with the way he’d been watching me whenever we ended up in the same room. Not with the way he’d been avoiding me, especially after Da told me why he had been doing it. Sure my head no longer hurt and it had been over a week since he had thrown me against the wall but that didn’t mean I wanted to be near him.

  
I wasn’t ok with him, with having to do what he told me. I knew the moment I got into that car I was his and I couldn’t stand that thought. I liked being my own person, belonging to myself. The moment I entered that car I knew that stopped for the day.  
“Come on unless you want to stand here until your brothers get out in which case I’ll probably be driving them home too,” Ben said, “We only have what? An hour and a half. It won’t help you any.”

  
“Right,” I said nodding my head preparing myself for whatever it was that might happen.

  
“Ok Front seat please,” He said brushing his hair out of his eyes as he smiled at me, that cold smile.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head and climbing into the passenger seat doing up my seat belt.

  
I felt so small sitting there in his old beat up concord. I kept silent and as still as possible not sure what else I could do. Knowing that eventually his hand would make its way to my leg and probably someplace higher.

  
“So how was school?” He asked me.

  
“It was ok,” I answered.

  
“Make any friends?” He asked me.

  
“I wouldn’t call them friends yet but I talked to a couple of people. In first hour, English class the teacher made us write an essay about ourselves and read it out loud to the class. I talked about the places I’ve been and everyone got really excited when I mentioned our family has Castles,” I said as his hand went to my knee patting it gently before resting there.

  
“Well not every family owns Castles,” He said his index finger rubbing a small circle on my pant leg right above my knee making it hard to breathe normally. My brain started to cloud over just having his hand on my leg.

  
“I know,” I barely managed.

  
“You’re so ridged, can you tell me why?” He asked me.

  
What did I do? Did I tell him I was afraid of him, afraid of where his hand was going to move next, what he was going to do to me? Afraid he was going to force me to go downstairs once we got home. That he was going to make me have sex with him?  
“I…” I tried to speak but found the weight of my tongue increasing. Found that it was too hard to speak. My brain moving too slowly.

  
“You don’t need to be nervous. I’m sorry about what happened ok? You just scared me is all. I’ll try to be better, to be gentle. I promise,” Ben said as he removed his hand from my knee taking my hand that was laying limply at my side and lacing his fingers through mine.

  
Like that was going to make things better. Like holding my hand and telling me he was sorry was going to make it all ok. It didn’t erase the fact that I knew he wanted to rape me. To do bad things to me.

  
I let him hold my hand not sure what else I could do. He drove us home and I remember not feeling like I was in my body by the time we got there but, more like I was watching things happen. Like I was watching my uncle hold open the kitchen door as I walked through it my heart pounding as I stepped through the door, his hand still entwined in mine.

  
“Let’s go upstairs huh?” He said letting go of my hand and grabbing my shoulders massaging them as he lead us up the stairs to the second floor. He didn’t stop when he passed my bedroom door but walked up to end of the hallway where the double doors to my Da’s room were and turned the corner.

  
There was a room there that I thought was another guest room it looked like another guest room from the outside but then he opened the door. The blinds were drawn making the room dark forcing him to turn on the light. The room wasn’t painted the off white that the guest rooms were on the other side of the hall but, were painted a gray instead. A gray almost metallic color with the bed facing the door.

  
Some type of geometric pattern made up the comforter in tones of orange and green with a gray background making up the main colors his sheets a bright red from the fitted sheet to the pillow cases. There was a rug under his bed, covering the white carpet which was a shag black, and a land scape of New York City wider than it was tall sitting above the headboard of the metal bed frame. So, this was his room. This was where he slept around the corner from my brothers and me.

  
In the corner opposite the bed was a tall dresser atop it a decent size TV that was state of the art. The doors to his walk in closet and en suite bathroom to the left a lounge chair sitting in-between them the leather of it looking worn and old. It felt surreal. Being in his room like that. Standing there waiting for him to say something knowing that he was going to do something to me. That he was going to probably hurt me.

  
I sighed closing my eyes as I heard him shut the door behind me, the lock sliding softly into place with a click before I felt him walk up behind me. He looped his arms around my waist his breath against the back of my head as he rested his face against my hair, me being a little over a foot shorter than he was him being around 6’2. He just stood there with me for a minute while I looked around the room, thinking of what it looked like thinking and this, this is where he rapes me this time.  
“I don’t feel a bump,” He said to me quietly barely loud enough for me to hear the only reason I could understand it because he spoke it against the top of my head.

  
“It’s gone now. It’s been over a week,” I answered him.

  
“Is the headache still bad?” He asked me.

  
“Not too bad,” I answered sighing wishing he would just let me go instead of holding me like he was. Holding me like someone might hold a lover or someone else they cared about. Someone that I didn’t think should be me, that I knew shouldn’t be me.  
“What about your bruises?” He asked me moving his arms and grabbing my blazer closely helping me pull my arms out of it.

  
“Like a yellow now,” I answered.

  
“Can I see?” He asked me taking my blazer and hanging it on the door knob of his bedroom as I turned to face him.

  
“I’d prefer to keep my…my clothes on,” I answered him.

  
“But you’re mine,” He said, “I won’t hurt you but, if I want to see you I can. You know that right?”

  
“That I can’t stop you?” I asked him quietly, “Yes, I know.”

  
“Does that scare you?” He asked me, “Because you don’t need to be scared. There’s nothing to be scared of baby ok?”

  
“I just want to be normal,” I responded not able to look at him anymore, ready to turn away.

  
I still felt like I was outside of myself. Like it wasn’t really happening. That I wasn’t standing in his room talking with him. Waiting for him to push me down and force me on the bed. Waiting for him to kiss me.

  
He came up to me cupping my cheek causing me to back up slightly. It felt weird having him close to my skin, I hated it. I hated the way he made me feel when he was so close to my skin as he looked down at me his eyes softening as I stared up at him, him undoing my tie and putting it on his chair between the two doors leaving me standing there in my white oxford, navy blue sweater vest and Khaki’s since I had taken my shoes off by the kitchen door.

  
I gulped. He wasn’t going to stop. Not until I was naked. Not until every inch of my skin was exposed.

  
“Don’t be nervous,” he said, “This is normal for us ok?”

  
I shook my head gulping again not sure if I was trying to gulp air or trying to pull the fear back down my throat. I felt frozen inside. Watching myself from somewhere on the ceiling as he pulled my sweater vest over my head undoing the first four or five buttons of my oxford dress shirt before he picked me up carrying me over to his bed.

  
He allowed himself to half fall on top of me his face buried in my neck as he started biting and sucking at the flesh slowly, gently as he moaned into my skin his hands still working my buttons, undoing them. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I was 10. I was a little boy who was scared my heart pounding as my uncle did this to me. As he touched me his tongue against my jaw bone and then neck slowly swirling against my skin lower and lower into my collar bone as he go the last button undone pulling my shirt down my shoulders and off my arms his hand pulling my under shirt up hard enough to untuck it from my pants before he pulled it over my head.

  
I was still frozen solid. Not sure if I could tell him to stop or if I should try to push him away, knowing he might get mad, knowing me might hurt me as he stopped sitting up his eyes boring into mine, drilling in to see the very essence of my thoughts. He smiled lightly his hand running through my hair as he undid the belt on my pants and undid my pants all together grabbing the pant legs and pulling as he walked away putting them down neatly on his chair leaving me there in my underwear my torso exposed.

  
“You ok?” He asked sounding amused.

  
I pulled myself into a ball trying to hide myself. Trying to remember that I was ok. That I didn’t have to feel this. That if I could relax my brain enough I could go away, be somewhere else.

  
“I’m not going to hurt you,” He said again coming back over leaving his jeans and boxers in a pile on the floor at the foot of the bed.

  
It was the first time I had really looked at him. Looked at him before he started raping me, before his fingers started running over my naked body like snakes each touch leaving traces of venom on my skin to eat away at me. While his head had dark blond hair he down below his waist the hair was darker by a shade or two and curly. Nestled in the thick curls of his pubic hair was his penis red and swollen with excitement already making my stomach jump. I remember wondering if that was what they all looked like. Curving slightly to the left pointing straight out in front of him.

  
“Like what you see?” He asked noticing that I was staring at him, causing me to turn away my face blaring an obvious shade of red, “its ok you can look. I think yours is nicer but, I suppose mines not bad.”

  
That made me feel even worse. I don’t know if he said that to try and make me feel better but it didn’t help. I wondered how he even managed to fit into my body. The weirdness of thinking about it making it hard to breathe. I didn’t want him to but at the same time I remember the questions still being there right behind my eyes and him probably being able to read every one of them.

  
I felt like he could read my mind, thinking that just because the questions were there meant I wanted it with him. When I didn’t. I didn’t want it with anyone yet. When he climbed onto the bed next to me I jumped. Wanting to wiggle away as he put his hand on the base of my skull before his lips crashed into mine and I had no choice but to fight him for my breath as his hand rubbed me through my underwear before he broke the kiss trailing his way down my body to my stomach.

  
“You ok?” He asked me stopping to look at me, “Your eyes are so wide right now. Are you really that scared?”

  
I nodded my head closing my eyes trying to stop my heart from punching its way through my rib cage as he put his hand up against it leaning into me, “its ok baby I won’t hurt I promise. I’ll go nice and slow ok? Nothing to worry about.”

  
“Un…Ben please, I really…please,” I said before I could no longer find my voice as he pulled my underwear off leaving me in my socks taking one of his fingers and dipping it in a small tub of something before he pushed up on my heels gently forcing my legs to bend.

  
“It’s ok, this will help,” He said before I felt the cold slimy wetness against my hole causing me to tense up.

  
I didn’t want his finger in there. I didn’t want anything in there. My head was spinning why did I come up here? Why did I do something so stupid?

  
“It’s you or it’s Matty. So you need to take a deep breath in your nose and out your mouth and try to relax ok?” He said to me which I nodded my head in response to, doing what I was told grabbing a hold of the head board behind me.

  
I still wasn’t ready for the breech. The slow push inside the weird pressure as he finally pushed his finger in all the way to first knuckle moving it around before he added the other one me still squirming trying to breathe. Trying to make my body ok with it even though I knew my mind wouldn’t be.

  
“I love you when you do that,” He said smiling excitedly, “Fuck yourself on my fingers it’s so fucking hot.”

  
I squeezed the head board harder in my fist turning my knuckles white. Didn’t he understand I wasn’t doing that because it felt good but because it felt weird? Because it almost hurt having his fingers in there no matter what he was doing with them. It didn’t feel good, he didn’t feel good. He made it harder and harder to breathe the longer his skin was in contact with mine especially when he pulled his fingers out sticking his hand back in the tub before rubbing the contents excitedly all over himself.  
“Ok baby,” He said pulling my hips up and forward so the small of my back was resting on his knees to elevate my hips slightly, “This is one of my favorite positions.”

  
I felt him line up with my body before he slowly started pushing in making me wheeze in pain and surprise my heels pressed into his chest with his knees under my back still supporting my weight. What was he doing? Why did it feel so weird?  
“Oh fuck yeah,” He said as his body settled into mine rubbing my thighs as he waited for my body to adjust so he could start moving, “You feel so good inside. It probably feels a little tighter than usual to you. I’m using gravity to help us out here ok baby? Because instead of your pelvis being on bottom and me having to push into you gravity is pushing you down onto me and it makes it easier to reach that good spot. When I move if you watch your stomach you can see the difference in angle my cock moving inside you.”

  
He moved stealing my ability to do anything but lay there his angle hitting my prostate perfectly making me gasp and whimper as I closed my eyes. I hated it. I fucking hated it the way it seemed like my body was pulling itself down onto him the moment he quit supporting my weight with his knees impaling me on him rolling his hips just slightly so he never pulled out all the way making sure he kept contact as he rubbed his hand up and down my stomach brushing his fingers lightly across my own erection as he used his other hand to support his weight as he leaned backwards.

  
“God you feel so good baby,” He moaned as he moved inside of me making me want to scream, want to tell him to stop that I didn’t want it that I wasn’t ok with it. That this was wrong and it made me feel gross and sick and wrong.  
I couldn’t find my voice. Even as the words spun around in my head crashing into each other I couldn’t make my lips work, make my tongue move in the way I wanted it to my mouth only opening in a silent around o and then slamming back shut as my whole body moved and twitched and rolled with his before a hiss escaped between my teeth just to repeat the whole movement a few minutes later.

  
“God I love you, you’re so fucking sexy, you feel so fucking good baby,” He yelled before leaning forward carefully grabbing my legs and using his one arm to shift my body weight forcing my legs to spread so he was in-between them leaning forwards before pulling out so he could adjust his angle and then slamming back into me nearly making my eyes roll as that spark bursts through every cell in my body.

  
“Are you going to cum for me?” he muttered.

  
He smiled into my chest before he jabbed himself forward into me one last time my whole body tensing as I tried to breath my jaw feeling like it was locking itself shut to keep me from screaming as I the feeling of pissing all over myself and him hit me and I felt him release inside of me silently his head buried in my chest before he pulled out relaxing beside me.

  
“That was amazing!” He said gleefully my whole body still stiff as stone as he hugged me, “Baby are you?...Oh baby don’t cry you were prefect. You were so prefect you felt so good. There’s nothing to be upset about ok? You did great. I love you. I love you, I love you.” He muttered kissing my face over and over and he rolled pulling me on top of him pulling my face into his sweaty sticky chest. I laid there numb as he used his hand to press my face against him.  
I was tired I didn’t want to do this anymore. I wanted to escape, to go somewhere where I didn’t feel like I was slowly dying from the inside out. I felt like all the air had left the room as he held me before he sighed allowing me up, allowing me to pull my body slowly away from his.

  
I felt sore, sore in a way my thighs burning along my insides up into my waist and stomach making my legs feel stiff while my knees felt wobbly. I sighed deeply breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth a couple more times as he laid beside me both of us still covered in a thin sheen of sweat.

  
“You ok?” He asked me softly his eyes soft like he was concerned for my welfare.

  
I nodded my head at first, “My legs hurt.”

  
“Oh it’s huh, it’s a weird position it can sometimes stretch the ham string out and work your thigh muscles it feels weird and a little stiff for a while but, you should be ok,” He said and I nodded my head before getting to my feet.

  
“Can I…can I go?” I asked him quietly not looking at his eyes, not wanting to see him watching me as I wrapped my arms around my torso leaving the rest of me exposed for his eyes to roam over.

  
It was hard to tell when he was done especially in those first few months. To be able to tell what he wanted from me whether it was just a quick hour long fuck or something more heated, slow and deep and sometimes down right painful. He was unpredictable and impulsive his words always saying he loved me, that he cared about me and was just teaching me but sometimes his eyes cold and calculating or malicious and hell bend on destroying me atom by atom as I struggled under him.  
“Yeah you can go. Make your brothers dinner when they get here ok?” He said as I stood up him grabbing my arm for a minute making me turn to face him freezing. Why had he told me it was ok for me to leave if he was going to stop me from leaving? The idea didn’t make any sense to me.

  
“Just a minute,” He said looking at me closely, “You’re so tense. I’m sorry it hurts you but, it gets easier.”

  
I nodded my head looking at my feet. It didn’t seem like it would get easier. My body was sore all the way from the center of my stomach down to the tips of my toes. I was tired and wary and didn’t see things getting better, easier. This was something I had allowed to happen and I couldn’t stop from continuing.

  
“No,” he said grabbing my chin forcing me to look in his eyes, “It does. You just have to accept it. Once you accept it, everything is better.”

  
“I understand,” I murmured quietly knowing that’s what he wanted to hear before he stood up pressing his lips to mine for a small peck before he left me standing there, him going into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him.

  
I heard the shower water turn on and sighed. I might not get to shower before I had to go downstairs but at least he wouldn’t be watching me get dressed. His eyes seeing everything we had done as he watched every inch of my skin disappear under my clothes.

  
When I got half way to the kitchen stair way I could hear them. Laughing quietly as they talked with each other as I turned the corner. I wanted to relax, to find that ease with which they still moved through life most of the time but, I couldn’t.

  
I decided not to bother them, to leave them to their school work as I turned around to dig into cupboard for boxed mac and cheese before I felt someone brush against my side making me jump and tense.

  
“Are you ok?” Matt asked me frowning from beside me.

  
“Yeah,” I lied, “Yeah I…I’m fine why?”

  
“I was just going to ask what was for dinner, are you sure you’re ok?” He asked me again.

  
“Mac and cheese and I swear to you I’m perfectly fine,” I said again.

  
“You’re walking funny though,” Mike pointed out as I took a step towards the stove.

  
“Guys, it’s not your concern now leave me alone,” I warned them.

  
They all fell quiet looking at me. I didn’t think I had been that stern but apparently the way I had said it had gotten my point across. That I didn’t want to be bothered about it however, their reaction made one thing clear to me. They weren’t buying my lies, they didn’t believe that I was ok.

  
“Will?” James said quietly after a while of me standing at the stove.

  
“Yes Jay?” I asked him.

  
“I’m supposed to work on my spelling,” Jay said, “Can you help me. I would ask John but Da says he’s still sick.

  
“Sure, I’ll help after dinner ok?” I told him.

  
“Thank you,” He said turning back to whatever he was working on his little face concentrating hard as he bent over his work book, his brow furrowed as he stuck his tongue out looking at it closely as I turned back to the pot of water.

  
When the water was done boiling I drained the pasta and put the packaged cheese into it mixing it until I felt it was creamy enough to serve and then put the bowls on the table one at a time sitting down next to James as I put a fork into my own bowl and started eating slowly. It felt good having that moment. Being normal with my brothers because those moments seemed to come with less and less frequency as the days passed by.

  
“So what words do you have to learn?” I asked him sitting down as he dug his fork into his bowl of processed noodles and fake cheese.

  
“These ones,” He said pulling a sheet of paper out of his work book with the words neatly typed and instructions on the back saying that flash cards were helpful and that each student needed to know how to spell all of the words by the end of a four week period. It was words like “Rabbit, Oyster, Cat, Feline, Wolf, Frog, Cow, Steer, Bull, Buck. All basically animals of some kind ranging from three to seven letters in length.”

  
I sighed looking at them, “Don’t you know most of these?” I asked him.

  
“All but that one,” He said, “Add vac?” He asked me.

  
“Aardvark,” I corrected, “We’ll work on it.”

  
“Aren’t those the things with the funny nose?” He asked me.

  
“A lot of things have funny noses, but it’s one of them yes,” I replied finishing up my bowl.

  
“Will?” Mikey questioned so quietly I could barely hear him.

  
“Yes?” I asked him.

  
“Never mind,” He said looking at me before he looked back at his bowl.

  
Something was on his mind but it was something he wasn’t sure how to bring up. I sighed not sure what I could do to help him. Like I said I had already decided any questions they had I would do my best to answer so they didn’t get misinformed by other sources, mainly our Da and Uncle but it was still hard for me to talk about. The things they did. How else were they supposed to know that what they were feeling was what everyone else in the same situation felt though? That their emotional feelings were valid.

  
“Hey, come here,” I said standing up and motioning him over to the hallway away from everyone which caused him to glance at me nervously, “you’re not in trouble Mikey.”

  
I wanted him to know that he had done nothing wrong since mum usually pulled us aside for one on one talks when we had done something wrong. I just thought it might be easier for him to tell me what was on his mind if it was out of the way away from everyone else. That he would feel less embarrassed or nervous about bring it up.

  
He sighed standing up and coming over to me, “What’s going on?”

  
“Never mind,” he said quietly.

  
“Mikey I won’t be upset with you ok? Did one of them hurt you? Da or Uncle Ben?”

  
“I…,” He stopped.

  
“Whatever happened it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything,” I said quietly, “Do you have a question for me? You can ask me anything you want and I’ll try to answer.”

  
“I don’t want you to be mad,” he whispered his whole body tense and eyes wide with fear as he looked at me.

  
“I won’t be mad at you for asking,” I replied, “I promise.”

  
“You pinky promise?” He asked me.

  
“Pinky promise,” I nodded my head hooking my pinky around his, “Can you tell me what it is?”

  
“Da he…he wouldn’t stop rubbing my leg in the car and usually it’s not that weird but it made my tummy feel funny like my tummy feels when Matty touches me sometimes because Da makes him. And I ….I don’t like the way it feels.” He mumbled out.

  
“You mean that tight pressure in your lower tummy?” I asked him, “That makes your penis feel weird?”

  
“Yeah,” He said.

  
“That’s called an erection it’s just blood kind of flowing down there. I know it feels weird and uncomfortable but what’s the question about it? Are you afraid it’s not normal?” I asked him.

  
“Is it normal?” He asked me.

  
“When someone is touching you in certain ways or when you get older and you’re thinking about certain things yes it’s pretty normal,” I answered.

  
He sighed with relief his body visibly relaxing. He was worried he wasn’t normal. That that weird feeling in his stomach and pelvis wasn’t normal. What exactly was my Da talking to them about if he wasn’t talking about their bodies with them? Telling them that those things were normal and it was Da that was weird.

  
“So it’s ok? I’m not gross?” He asked me.

  
“No, Da’s the one who there is something wrong with. He shouldn’t want to touch you like that,” I told him, “so that’s what it was you were worried about?”

  
“Does it feel like that for you sometimes? When Da …” I cut him off.

  
“Yes, it does a lot of the time and I don’t like it either, it makes me feel weird and like I did something wrong but I haven’t. I know logically I haven’t,” I answered him.

  
“What about when…” he trailed off.

  
“When what?” I asked.

  
“When he…,” He said before covering his hand with his mouth and saying something grabbled in a whisper that I couldn’t understand.

  
“When he what?” I asked him swallowing afraid of what he was going to say.

  
“When he puts his mouth, when he kisses you down there,” He barely whispered.

  
“Da’s done that to you?” I asked him and he nodded his head not able to look at me, “Listen Mike, bodies are made to react to things like I said. And that is touching you in a certain way right?”

  
He nodded his head, “So it’s not weird?”

  
“No bud it’s not weird what’s weird is that Da wants to do it to you, your body responding to it, there’s nothing weird about that,” I answered him.

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Did I make you mad? Asking?”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “No you didn’t. You can tell me anything and I won’t be mad at you, I promise.”

  
“Sometimes you seem mad. When we ask things,” Mike said.

  
“It’s not I’m mad at, it’s the situation. The fact that you have to ask and this shouldn’t be something you deal with,” I answered him.

  
“You’re not ok you know?” He asked me.

  
I sighed, “That’s something different completely that you also shouldn’t have to worry about.”

  
“How is it different? You said they hurt you,” Mike said.

  
I smiled sadly, “Mikey, I know you care. I do it’s just there are things you shouldn’t have to worry about. You shouldn’t have to worry about Da doing that stuff to you let alone anyone else. I’ll be fine. Worry about yourself ok?”

  
“You don’t shake though,” He said.

  
“What?” I asked feeling brow go up and confusion.

  
“When I touched you, you shook. You shook like I was bad, like you were scared. You don’t do that when someone walks up behind you. John does he always has but not you. Never you,” Mike answered me.

  
“You just scared me that’s it,” I answered, “That’s all it was.”

  
“But after that your shoulders they kept…” I cut him off.

  
“Mikey I know you’re trying to be nice and that you’re just saying you’re worried but I need you to focus on you. Keeping yourself safe and ok until mum gets here and doing your school work. Don’t worry about me. If you need someone else to worry about other than yourself worry about John ok? Because you know what Da is like towards him. You know what he’s probably going through,” I said.

  
“You mean Da’s funny eyes? Yeah I know,” Mike answered glumly.

  
“You know what that looks means right? And that he looks at John like that all the time,” I said.

  
“Yeah he always…it means bad things,” He simplified for me and I nodded in agreement.

  
“I think that’s why John is sick because Da is doing too many bad things to him. So if you need to worry about someone worry about where John is. Keep asking Da when John can see us, tell Da you want to play with him, talk to him, and be with him. We all need to do that ok? That way maybe Da will let him out. “

  
“Ok,” He said nodding his head, “You want me to wash my plate?” He asked me, “I’m done with my school work.”

  
“How about I wash the plates and you dry them ok?” I asked him patting his head.

  
“Ok,” he said.

  
That night I listened to more comic book chatter as Mikey and Matty helped dry the dishes for me.

  
“I like Owl man better personally,” Matty said.

  
“You would, because you’re a Villain,” Mike said, “I’m still a bigger fan of the bat.”

  
“Why? Don’t you want people to die? Especially when they are stupid? I hate stupid people,” Matty said.

  
“Who is Owlman?” I asked frowning.

  
“Evil batman,” Matt answered.

  
“There’s an evil batman?” I asked.

  
“I thought you liked reading?” Matt asked, “How do you not know this?”

  
“I read books, I don’t read comic books,” I answered, “Ok so how can there be an evil batman?”

  
“Multiverse,” Matt and Mike said in unison.

  
“Ok I know the idea behind that,” I said nodding my head.

  
While I didn’t read comic books I was into quantum physics and mechanics. This states that time does not necessarily exist but is simply a measurement humans have given existence. That time does not stop it just continues to move. That Time is a living breathing being as alive as any one person is. That this creates infinite worlds with infinite possibilities. And that is what the “multiverse” is. It’s time carrying on and coming to different conclusions.

  
“Did you believe in the multiverse?” Matt asked me suddenly.

  
“I think so. I’d like to believe it’s real. That maybe somewhere else life isn’t like this for us,” I said.

  
“But the idea of the multiverse is there are other realities where nothing is what it is. Like say here I have you right and John and James and obviously Mikey but. Say in another universe your all girls or I don’t have you guys at all and it’s just me. Isn’t that what the multiverse means?” Matty asked me.

  
“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “its life’s way of exploring every possible outcome. Who knows maybe in some part of the multiverse you’re actually a dog. We have no way of knowing it’s a cool idea though.”

  
“So we could be superheroes in the multiverse?” Mikey asked looking at me and Matty his eyes wide with wonder and excitement.

  
“I wouldn’t go that far but, if it makes you feel better,” I answered.

  
“I don’t think I’d be a super hero,” Matty commented after a moment of silence.

  
“No you’d probably be a super villain,” Mike agreed.

  
“Why do you think Matty would be a Villain?” I asked, “Why can’t he be an anti-hero?”

  
“What’s an anti-hero?” They both asked at the same time.

  
“Well from what I understand an anti-hero does heroic things for the wrong reasons and don’t always play by the rules like how batman and superman refuse to kill people, an anti-hero would probably kill someone,” I answered them.

  
“So I can still kill people but not be bad?” Matt said, “Cool.” He said mostly to himself nodding his head as he came to terms with the idea.

  
That made me smile. Watching my brother decide he didn’t have to be a bad guy in his superhero day dreams. Matt was always different where Mikey seemed light almost like he wanted good things to happen, he wanted ice cream and innocence and seemed made of the stuff Matty was always darker somehow. Not saying he didn’t enjoy ice cream, he loved the stuff but he just always seemed to see things differently from everyone else. It seemed almost like where ever Mike wanted to watch a flower thrive Matty was standing by with the matches waiting to see it burn. Where ever Mike wanted things to be good and pure Matt was in the shadows waiting for things to collapse.

  
“So does an anti-hero do good things because he wants to help other people or because of other things,” Matt asked suddenly looking at me.

  
“Probably other things. Less it’s the right thing to do and more because…”

  
“He wants people to like him?” He asked me interrupting my thought.

  
“Yes, that’s exactly what an anti-hero does,” I heard his voice and I felt my body freeze over almost dropping the plate was I handing over to Mike.

  
Matt shot me a look as I avoided looking at them. He knew. He saw it just as much as Mike saw it that something was wrong. That I wasn’t ok.

  
“James are you still doing homework there bud?” Uncle Ben asked causing me to turn to him as he looked not at James but at me. The threat thinly veiled as he looked into my face. As if he was daring me to not do something to stop it. Like he was hinting that if I didn’t act exactly how he wanted me to someone was going to get hurt and it would be Jay.

  
“Yeah,” James sighed as Uncle Ben started walking over to him.

  
“Hey you guys we’re almost done, let me take the plates and put them away really quick ok?” I told Mike and Matt who both frowned at me.

  
“I thought we were supposed to put them away, usually we do,” Mike said.

  
“Well tonight I got it you can go watch TV,” I said nodding my head.

  
Matt smiled, “He’s letting us get out of it, come on before he changes his mind,” he said grabbing Mike by the hand and rushing from the room towards to living room as I put the dishes away going over to where Uncle Ben was sitting next to James watching him closely.

  
“No, what’s four plus two?” He asked pointing at the problem on the work sheet putting his hand on Jay’s back making both Jay and I flinch.

  
“I huh,” Jay said his brain blanking out before he looked at his finger.

  
“No, no hands pal come on you know this,” He said, “what is two plus two?”

  
“Four,” Jay said automatically.

  
“Add another two to that so it’s two plus two plus two,” Ben said.

  
“Six,” James aid looking at him questioningly.

  
“Good job that’s right, now write it down,” He said his hand rubbing down James’s spine causing him to sit up straight his eyes go wide.

  
“Don’t do that,” I said shaking my head.

  
“I’m not hurting him,” Ben told me.

  
“He’s doing his homework,” I pointed out, “It’s distracting when…” I faltered feeling myself blush.

  
He smiled happily at me standing up, “Yeah?”

  
“Leave him alone!” Jay said suddenly grabbing our attention, “He doesn’t want you to do that to him either leave him alone.”

  
“Jay don’t worry about it its ok,” I said.

  
“No it’s not, I know you don’t like it it’s not fair,” Jay stated.

  
“Jay,” I said sighing. Why didn’t he get it? Why didn’t he see it?

  
We were both young me only being ten but I could more than see it. He was using Jay to upset me and me to upset Jay. He was going to hurt one of us and I would rather it was me. Sure it hurt and I hated it but, my body could handle it better than Jay’s could and I knew it. I knew it was easier for me, that it would hurt less yet Jay was trying to protect me. Trying to keep me from being hurt and the idea of him doing that to Jay terrified me.

  
“What? He’s just being a kid,” Uncle Ben said coming closer to me forcing me to take a step back.

  
“Leave him alone!” Jay said again.

  
“Jay come here,” Uncle Ben said smiling his eye on me.

  
“Why?” Jay asked coming up to us and Uncle Ben put his arms around Jay’s shoulder, “How would you like to see what Will and I do up close?”

  
“NO!” I shouted startling all three of us, “I mean I’m ok. He’s a kid.”

  
“What do you do? He said you hurt him and that it makes his tummy feel funny,” Jay asked him frowning.

  
He leaned down hugging Jay before he buried his face in Jay’s hair, “You can feel it if you want to.”

  
“Don’t Ben please,” I said as calmly as I could, pretending to … just pretending I was ok that I was calm that I wasn’t freaking out about what he might do to my little brother.

  
“Ok,” He said standing up and coming over to me, “You want to show him?”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked him confused hugging myself.

  
“How I make your tummy feel funny,” He said putting a hand on my waist pulling me close. I closed my eyes feeling my throat closing up. He wasn’t going to do this here was he? Touch me like that in front of Jay?

  
Before I knew it his hand was on my face and then he was forcing his tongue in my mouth. I stood as still as possible not wanting to upset Jay but not wanting him to kiss me either his tongue rolling across the back of my mouth as I stood there feeling my whole body tighten in silent panic before he broke away from me.

  
“Eww,” Jay said looking at us.

  
“You ok baby?” He asked me my brain too numb to notice he didn’t use my name and I just nodded my head in response.

  
“Can I go?” I asked him not able to look at him.

  
“Jay can go,” He said to me, “Jay go watch TV with your brothers.”

  
“Why?” Jay asked, “What if I don’t want to watch TV.”

  
“You want to watch something else?” He asked Jay and I shook my head at him.

  
“Why are you shaking?” Jay asked me.

  
“I’m not,” I said quietly.

  
“You are I see it,” Jay said, “Uncle Ben he doesn’t like you. He doesn’t want you making his tummy feel like that.”

  
I saw the anger flash in Ben’s eyes and I knew we were in trouble if I didn’t stop him. I sighed not sure what to do before I grabbed Uncle Ben hugging him my whole body still shaking not wanting to touch him. Not after that my face still burning with shame my body shaking, “Let me talk to him.” I said.

  
“Oh you better,” Uncle Ben hissed in my ear, “because if you don’t fix this problem here I’m going to fix it and trust me neither of you want to know what I would do to fix it.”

  
“Hey Jay come here for a second,” I said as Uncle Ben walked away leaving us to stand there alone just the two of us.

  
“Well he’s hurting you,” He said.

  
“Jay, I need you to back off ok? He doesn’t see it as hurting me. I don’t know what to do but you telling him that I don’t like it isn’t going to help. I know you’re trying to help me but it’s not going to ok?” I told him.

“That’s not fair though he can’t do that you said that if it makes me feel funny and I don’t like it I should say something that I should tell them no and I know it makes you feel funny and he won’t listen to you so maybe if I…”

  
“Jay it doesn’t work that way,” I told him, “He’ll hurt you. He’s not a good person you can’t make him mad.”

  
I remembered him threatening to break every finger if I didn’t do it. If I didn’t let him have sex with me. How he was going to rape one of them and make me watch. I couldn’t let him do anything like that to any of them. Jay needed to understand what would happen.

  
“You remember how bad it hurt when Da made you do that thing?” I asked him trying to put it delicately.

  
“When he put his penis in my butt yeah,” He said his eyes going wide in fear, “Why?”

  
“Well, if Uncle Ben is mad he might…I don’t want him to hurt you ok? So when he does something or says something to me I need you to ignore him. You can’t make him mad ok?”

  
“Why? You said that we should say no, why can’t I tell him no for you maybe if I say it he’ll listen,” Jay said.

  
“Oh that’s cute you’re telling him I’m a bad guy,” Ben said coming back into the room, “You want me to be a bad guy? I can be the bad guy.”

  
He grabbed me forcefully by the elbow before he pushed me hard into the table making me fall backwards onto it before he punched me in the stomach making me fold into myself then he grabbed me by the hair yanking my head back as Jay screamed.  
“Don’t hurt him! DON”T HURT HIM! NO STOP!”

  
“I’m not going to hurt you am I baby you like it don’t you?” He said before he shoved his tongue in my mouth and I heard James start sobbing as I grabbed at the hand attached to my hair my heart feeling like it was trying to escape through my throat. As I heard many footsteps pounding towards the room and then heard a bellowing from above us on the stair way.

  
“BENJIMAN!!! WHAT ON EARTH!!?” Da shouted, “BEN no excuse, none!”

  
“We’re just having fun right boys?” Ben asked me.

  
“You can’t do that to him let go of his hair,” Da said.

  
“The contract says no serious injury pulling his hair doesn’t count as a serious injury he’s mine Connor you gave him to me remember?” Ben said to which my Da sighed.

  
“Not here,” Da said, “You’re upsetting the boys.”

  
“Why is he doing that Da? Why is he hurting him?” Mikey asked frowning as my Da came down the stairs to grab James hugging him while he picked him up Patting Matty on the head to comfort him.

  
“He’s not hurting him for real,” Da answered Mikey smiling down at him, “Come on guys go watch TV ok? I’ll be there in a little bit.”

  
He waited until they were back out of the room both of them watching my brothers leave while Da held James trying to calm him down as he still cried in my Da’s arms. I sighed. This wasn’t good.

  
“All right fine, it was just a joke until someone had to say I was a bad guy that liked to hurt people,” Ben said letting go of my hair allowing me to move of my own accord rubbing my head.

  
“You do like to hurt people,” Da replied sighing as he tried to calm Jay down me still frozen in place on the kitchen table not sure if I should actually get up and move or stay where I was. Not sure which one would make them angrier.

  
“I’m getting better at not doing it, yeah I have a temper problem you can thank our father for that,” Ben muttered.

  
“We can thank him for a lot of things,” Da sighed, “Just don’t antagonize the kids ok? He’s yours I gave him to you but that doesn’t mean you get to beat the shit out of him in front of his little brothers and make everyone cry. I know it’s something you get off on, something you get from Dad but please we agreed we were going to go about this in a more delicate manner.”

  
“Yeah I know,” Ben said, “James I’m sorry I scared you ok but, Will is fine aren’t you Will?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head numbly not able to look at him as I rubbed my stomach through my oxford feeling the heat from where his fist had connected with my flesh through my shirt. I could tell by looking at James the tears drying on his face as Da held his little hand that he didn’t believe me. Or us whichever.

  
Watching Da with him, holding his hand made me nervous made my skin crawl remember how hard he was crying when I had walked into that room that night. I didn’t want Da touching him. Not ever, not even a hand hold.

  
“You’re not fine are you Will?” James asked me suspiouscly.

  
“Jay, I’m fine, really ok?” I said quietly.

  
“I’m not sure I believe you,” He said as Da let go of his hand, allowing him to walk towards me looking at me as I looked at Uncle Ben who smiled widely and nodded his head indicating it was ok for me to get off the table that I could come down.

  
“Is there anything Will can do to make you believe he’s ok?” Da asked James.

  
“I don’t know,” James answered him still looking in my eyes.

  
He was reading me. Seeing right though everything. Watching the way my muscles moved, my body language. When you grow up with someone you know all their mannerisms. You know how they move when they are uncomfortable compared to at ease you can see it in the way they move their eyes and purse their lips, in the way they move their shoulders and carry their own body weight and he was using those skills on me, using those skills to tell how uncomfortable I was. Which was very having just been punched in the gut and threatened with body harm against him if I didn’t do as I was told.

  
“Hey,” I said to him frowning, “Don’t do that.”

  
“Sorry,” James said.

  
“Do what?” Da asked me frowning as Ben furrowed his brow watching us closely.

  
“Nothing,” James answered.

  
“You boys just like your mum always seeing things others don’t,” Da sighed, “Look if he says he’s fine, he’s fine ok James?”

  
“Ok,” James nodded his head in response even though his eyes told me he didn’t agree with that sentiment at all, “Da can I go watch TV now?”

  
“Yeah bud go ahead, Will, Ben can I talk to you two?” Da asked us to which I just nodded and Ben came over to me coming up behind me and putting his hands on my shoulders making me stand still.

  
“Ben I need to you watch your actions a little better. We don’t want you scaring him. You scare him it all blows up in our faces you got it?” Da reminded him.

  
“Says the guy who made him bleed,” Ben said wrapping his arms around my shoulders his hands starting to gently rub at my collar bone through my shirt.

  
“They always bleed the first time you know that, and Will baby watch your eyes. Since James there seems to be very perspective you need to watch your eyes ok?” Da said to me.

  
“My eyes?” I asked feeling confused.

  
“Well for example your eyes are pretty wide like you’re scared shitless he’s not going to do that you in front of me unless I tell him he can ok? So you don’t need to worry about that right now, you can calm down,” Da said.

  
Uncle Ben reached down feeling for the nubs of my nipples through my shirt squeezing one of them and rolling it between his fingers making me freeze. That did not feel good at all the cold fire it sent through my body as my face started to heat up flushing red. My Da was standing right there in front of us watching my uncle do it and not saying a damn thing about it.

  
“Oh yes and I warned you about someone’s temper,” My Da said his eyes flashing to uncle Ben as he buried his face in the back of my neck starting to undo the top buttons on my oxford, “So why did you antagonize him?”

  
“I-I wa-wasn’t t-try-trying t-to,” I answered as Uncle Ben started sucking on my ear lobe my Da completely ignoring the fact that I was being groped and molested in front of him.

  
“You taste so good baby,” Ben whispered in my ear making my face heat up even more.

  
“Ben you’re boring me stop it,” Da said.

  
“Really brother? I’m boring you? I can make it very unboring in a minute if you like,” He said his hand going to the button of my pants making me close my eyes my whole body frozen.

  
“We could if you wanted to,” Da said shrugging his shoulders, “I mean sometimes it’s nice to mix it up.”

  
I gulped just hearing it knowing he was coming closer. That whatever they were doing wasn’t good. This wasn’t good.

  
“Hey, it’s ok,” My Da whispered as I felt his hand on my cheek my eyes still closed as my Uncle undid the button on my pants my lips starting to tremble, “No, we’re not going to hurt ok? It’s ok.”

  
“That’s right, we’re just going to love you,” Uncle Ben said undoing my fly and letting go allowing my pants to start sliding down my legs as he kissed my neck sucking on the spot right under my skull as my Da started undoing the rest of my shirt.

  
I wasn’t sure what they were doing having never been touched by two people at the same time. Not like that. I knew that’s where it was going the way their hands were moving over my skin Uncle Ben’s hands pushing up the hem of my undershirt drawing lazy small circles below my belly button with his fingers as my Da finally undid the last button on my shirt pulling my shirt down my arms and letting it fall to the floor as my uncle allowed some space between his body and mine so Da could pull my under shirt over my head Ben kissing the back of my exposed shoulder blades his hands rolling the top of my briefs down.

  
I was shaking. I was shaking so badly my knees felt weak unable to support my body weight as Da leaned into me pinning me between him and my uncle his hands cupping my ass as I kept my eyes closed just trying to breathe. What the fuck were they doing? Why were they doing this? Why together?

  
I felt a hand cup me through my briefs my eyes fluttering open not sure whose hands were where as I looked at my Da his eyes heavy with lust his other hand on my shoulder, “Feels good huh?” He asked me quietly noting my growing erection, “its ok. There isn’t anything to be embarrassed about, we want you to feel good don’t we Benny?”

  
“What?” Uncle Ben asked as he stopped digging his teeth into the back of my neck, “Oh, yeah. Yeah baby we want you to feel good. We want you to feel so good,” He said before starting to mouth back on my shoulders his hands running up and down my chest and arms slowly, gently.

  
I wanted to scream and tell them no, to stop but I found I couldn’t even open my mouth. Almost like my body wouldn’t listen to me as it shuddered and shook their hands running over every inch of exposed skin making my chest heave as I tried to force air down my wind pipe and into my lungs. Why? Was all I could keep thinking. Why?

  
“Hey you know what Ben? Take him downstairs and get started while I put the guys to bed ok?” Da said, “I’ll be down in a little while.”

  
“You sure you don’t mind? I mean I thought it would be fun to start him off together it’s been a while since we…” Da cut him off.

  
“We’ll finish him together I won’t be long,” Da answered him as Uncle Ben used my shoulders to steer me in the direction of the basement stairs. I sighed knowing this was going to be bad. That whatever they were going to do was going to be something I didn’t like.


	12. Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Da and Uncle Ben take Will downstairs for some alone time. The class dicusses some school reading before Will is introduced to some more boys (bottoms) from the brotherhood and learns about about the organization or cult that it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 146 to 163 **Warnings:** RAPE/NON-CON right up front, neglect, sexual abuse, physical abuse, Emotional abuse, Emotional manipulation, brainwashing, pedo behavior talk of sexual and physical abuse, bullying,.  
>  I know Will's point of view seems to be moving slower than John's probably did but, you have to remember John is currently locked in Da's bedroom where Will is out and living life, having to go to school while he deals with James, Matty and Mikey and what Da and Uncle Ben are telling them about what's going on in the house because they are trying to brain wash them or "groom" them into thinking it's not abnormal to grope your son/nephew in the privacy of your own home even if he says no. So you're seeing a lot more of that occur while John is busy doing other things because he thinks it's keeping his brothers safe (including Will).

I felt like my whole body was shaking my legs about to give out underneath me at any second as I took each step. This was going to hurt. I wasn’t going to like this. My hand was shaking so hard the banister vibrated under my hand as I walked slowly using the railing to support myself folding my arms across my bare chest as I put my back against the wall so I didn’t have to feel his aura behind me, bleeding into my personal space giving me goose bumps. Turning so I could see him, see his face.

  
“Its ok baby,” He said looking at me, “We’re just going to have fun I won’t hurt I swear. You’re Da isn’t into that anyway.”

  
He opened up the door to room with the beds again me not having been in the only other room in the basement yet. I didn’t move from where I was leaning with my back against the wall trying to breathe knowing what they were going to do to me. Knowing that he was going to make me do things more things when he had done them earlier made my legs give out under me.

  
“Please Uncle Ben,” I begged, “Please I can’t. Please.”

  
“Oh baby, come here,” He said picking me up and hugging me, “its ok I’m not going to hurt you. I know I’ve been kind of rough and I’m sorry but it won’t be like that. It’ll be like earlier ok? It’ll be slow. It’ll feel nice.”

  
That made the idea of what they were going to do that much worse. I hadn’t liked that at all. The feel of his knees under my back as he pushed inside of me my feet pressed against his naked sweaty chest. I really didn’t want that.

  
“Please,” I whimpered as he hugged me, “Please.”

  
“Oh baby, its ok I’ll go slowly make sure it feels good I promise. I’ll work you nice and open no toys and nothing weird just me and you and then Connor will come down and join us ok?” He said again kissing me on the cheek and then the lips his hand rubbing up and down my back like you might do to comfort someone.

  
He struggled to get to his feet without letting me go laying me down on the bed as I still cried his tongue sliding into my mouth as I screamed into the kiss, screamed into his mouth pushing at him trying to get him off me, punching at his chest wishing my legs weren’t pinned so I could kick him, so he would know I wasn’t ok with this. I wasn’t ok with him on me, him kissing me.

  
“Shhh…calm,” He muttered breaking our kiss his tongue retreating from my mouth, “Calm.”

  
“Please,” I said again closing my eyes as his lips connected with my neck before he started sucking and nibbling there.

  
I didn’t know what to do with my hands my arms feeling like they were full of lead as he laid on top of me his hands brushing up and down my sides making my face flush and my eyes close as I tried so hard to block him out. I kept telling myself that if it wasn’t me it was going to be Jay. That if it wasn’t me it was going to be someone else.

  
Kept telling myself that I couldn’t let that happen. That it was my job to keep them safe because John wasn’t here. That I needed to be strong, to be ok to let it happen as he started rubbing me through my underwear making my head tilt back squeezing my eyes shut tighter.

  
“Feels good?” He asked me as I swallowed hard, “You tilted your head back, you’re arching your back a little bit."

  
I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want it to feel good but it tickled against my skin his hands running up and down my sides that heat shooting down into my groin as his hands made that pressure build.

  
“God you taste so good baby, you feel so good. It’s like you were made for me. You think that’s true, that your Da and mummy made you just for me?” He asked his thumbs brushing up against my nipples as the moved down my sides again.

I didn’t want this, this was not something I was not ok with was all I could think as I felt his tongue on my skin, gliding over arm and down my side putting his nipple in my mouth rolling his tongue over it making me whimpered between my closed lips.  
“God you’re so hot, your little cock,” He said continuing to rub me through my underwear my body responding the way he wanted me to. I wanted to beg him to stop. To plead with him to stop as I he slid my underwear down my legs and pulled them off getting up his weigh leaving my body.

  
I took the chance to roll over onto my stomach and pull my knees up to my chest because I had nothing else to make me feel better. Because I needed my mum or my brother and they weren’t there and I wasn’t ok. I didn’t want to crawl up the bed for fear it would make him angry make him think I was trying to get away. Make him think, know I wasn’t into this.

  
He sighed when he saw me, that had to be what made him sigh me trying to bury my face in my arms my front pressed against the bed so that he couldn’t touch me like that anymore, she that he couldn’t reach my nipples of my penis that was engorged with blood erect and feeling slightly tight.

  
“Its ok baby,” he said rubbing the back of my thighs making them feel cold and sticky.

  
He already had lube on his hands, but had found it necessary to touch my legs to comfort me. To tell me I was ok. I knew my ass was to him but I felt like it was more important to make sure he couldn’t get to my other parts.

  
He kissed the base of my spine doing something he’d never done before. His mouth having never been that close to my ass before.

  
“God you have such a prefect little ass,” He whispered the words into my right ass cheek before his tongue poked me there. Circling.

  
“Don’t!” I whimpered as he pulled away me trying to clench my cheeks together to keep his tongue away from there.

  
“Its ok baby, you might like it,” He said and I closed my eyes my lip trembling. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I didn’t want his mouth on me, “Don’t say that again ok? I’m being nice about it because you’re young, you’re my special boy but your Da he gets upset with those words so you have to be more careful ok?”

  
He sighed his hands messaging my cheeks as I curled my toes trying to ignore how everything felt. His hands on my body the way he kept pushing at me with his fingers. Before I felt his finger there next time pushing hard against me to get in, to find its way in as I moved away.

  
“Let me,” He whispered, “Let me or you’re going to make me mad. We don’t want me to be mad do we?”

  
I sighed trying to relax. He was right, I didn’t want him to be mad when he got mad he was mean. He slid his finger in as I finally relaxed only to tense back up when his finger was in there moving around making it hard to focus on anything but the pressure, his finger and hand making me want to scream at him.

  
“God you have such strong ass muscles, maybe that’s why it feels so mind blowing, because you can make it so tight,” He muttered more to himself than to me as he slid another finger in working them in and out making a squishing sound like it always did as he made sure to coat my insides.

  
He was being painfully slow moving his fingers in and out listening to the squelching as he rubbing my shoulder with his other hand as he whispered praised in my ear kissing my shoulder every once in a while telling me I was a good boy that I was special and sweet.

  
He pulled out after what felt like forever, after working me open. After pushing and prodding that special spot making it hard to breathe. I relaxed thinking maybe he was done for a while. Thinking that maybe he was waiting for my Da until he manipulated me so I was laying flat on my stomach grabbing my hips and pushing his thumb into the front of my hip bones forcing me onto my knees before he lined up behind me.

  
“Oh fuck yeah,” He said as he started pushing into me breaking past the first ring of muscle, “its ok baby I’ll go nice and slow, open you up nice and wide.”

  
“It hurts,” I whimpered.

  
“I know baby but you’re doing so good,” He said pushing in even farther my body shaking so hard I thought it would break as he finally seated himself inside me, “Oh there it is, there’s that spot. You know how good you feel? Fucking amazing. You’re so fucking sexy and so tight. Your little ass is so tight. God I love you.”

  
He rolled his hips pulling them back and then snapping them forward hard enough to jolt me off the bed burying himself back into me. Kissing the back of my neck as he rubbed up against that spot making me tense. I bit into my lip to keep my sharp gasps from becoming a moan.

  
“Yeah? God you feel good, oh god yeah,” He said as he kept going making me pant my body giving it over to him, letting him know what he was doing to me. That my heart was pumping my blood rushing to my groin as he rubbed against my prostate sending sparks of ice up and down my spine with each movement he made making it hard to stay silent.

  
I must have whimpered or grunted or something because he buried his face in my neck licking my ear lobe from behind, “I know baby you’re doing so good, you feel so good baby, oh god yeah,” He muttered both his hands on my hips as he rocked and rolled into me making my body shiver and tremble as it ached from being so tense, from the fear.

  
“I see someone is having fun,” I heard behind Uncle Ben.

  
“Yeah we’re doing well aren’t we baby?” Uncle Ben cooed in my ear rolling his hips into me again.

  
“Can I help?” Da asked.

  
“Please,” I begged as he hit against my prostate making me moan before I could stop myself.

  
“Sure,” Ben said.

  
I wasn’t begging my Da to help. I was begging him to make Uncle Ben stop. Because I never wanted them to do this to me. I never wanted to feel them like this, to know them like this.

  
My Da got down on the bed beside us and reached his hand under us, touching me, rubbing me. Making me cry as that feeling exploded all over my body. The hand on me becoming sticky as I collapsed forward my uncles weight on top of me, his movement finally stilling as he climaxed.

  
“That’s a good boy,” My Da said as Uncle Ben kissed my neck.

  
“He really is, he’s a very good boy,” Uncle Ben agreed as he pulled out the feeling making me cringe.

  
“Oh shit you fucked him wide open Benny,” My Da hissed, “I’m surprised he’s not bleeding.”

  
“Hey you always said I had a decent girth,” Ben commented.

  
“Yeah after you hit about 15 and by then you were trying to choke my four year old on it remember?” Da laughed touching my hole making me flinch. Before I knew what he was doing I felt his tongue circling and I slapped my hand over my own mouth to make sure I didn’t scream out the rawness of it along with the feeling of his tongue in there didn’t feel good .

  
“Daddy please,” I begged before I started sobbing his tongue probing way too deep too concentrated making my insides burns.

  
“Its ok baby,” Uncle Ben told me coming around in front of me wearing boxers and nothing else pulling my face into his lap as I cried rubbing my shoulders gently, like he was trying to soothe me.

  
“It burns please, please Daddy,” I begged more as he finally let me go his hands leaving my hips so I could curl myself into a ball. Curl myself as away from him as I dared.

  
“I think you were a little too rough there Benny maybe stick to other activities for a little while?” Da said.

  
“Yeah I can do that,” Uncle Ben said as I felt his hand move down my arm as my Da grabbed my knees pulling them from my grip.

  
“Please Daddy,” I begged him knowing what he was going to do, “Please Daddy.”

  
“It’s ok, we’re just going to make you feel…”

  
“PLEASE!!!” I begged screaming the word meaning don’t do it, don’t touch me there.

  
“You don’t scream like that,” He said yanking hard on my legs leaning over top of them holding them down with his body weight, “You don’t scream like that ever!” He warned me.

  
“Your Da’s right Will, baby you can’t do that. We just want you to know how much we love you. We know you’re scared because it feels weird but there isn’t anything wrong with it. Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise,” Uncle Ben said moving so he was beside me on my left while Da was on my right he kissed my cheek while Da shift his weight over all the way and he kissed my ankle.

One licked his way up while the other, the other licked his way down their hands and lips and tongues going there all at the same time making it hard to think as it felt like everything my belly, legs and chest tightened and got hot. I didn’t want them licking me there. Anywhere but there but they wouldn’t stop. They didn’t stop until I couldn’t breathe at all. Until it felt like everything was going black as the world spun around me.

  
Next thing I remember Da was holding my feet so they elevated as Uncle Ben watched my face running a hand through my hair.

  
“He’s awake Connor, he’s all right,” Ben muttered smiling down at me, “Gave us a little scare there.”

  
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to say anything. So I had probably passed out. Big deal. At least it had given me a minute or two without feeling them on my skin.

  
Da helped me back upstairs my whole body store my skin still prickling at his touch as he carried me upstairs and laid me on the bed next to James who appeared to be soundly asleep. I sighed wishing my ass wasn’t so sore, my body wasn’t screaming at me to give in, to allow sleep to come so that in the morning I could be normal, be as ok as I could ever be.

  
I knew my eyes were blood shot, my face covered in my own tears but I didn’t want to say anything didn’t want to bother James, didn’t want him seeing me like that. Knowing he was right. That I wasn’t ok. That nothing was ok.

  
“They hurt you?” he whispered making me jump as I looked over at him feeling like my throat was closing up. Like I was going to crash to the floor in a million pieces.

  
“Not…” I inhaled sharply covering my mouth before I started crying.

  
“I’m sorry,” James said hugging me as I tried to bite back my tears, tried to be strong but I couldn’t.

  
I wanted to be strong for my little brother but, I couldn’t. I cried myself to sleep as he hugged me.

  
I woke up when our Alarm went off helping everyone get ready in an almost dream state my body still slightly sore from what they had done, still feeling them on my skin especially when they looked at me while I sat down to eat breakfast. I didn’t want to do any of this. I didn’t want to go to school, I didn’t want to be alive.

  
It felt different. Begging him the night before to stop, to get Ben to stop, it felt different, worse somehow. Like he really didn’t care about me. Like my feelings didn’t really matter to him. Made me realize I was nothing, I had no control over any of it.  
“Are you ok?” Matty asked me after I had been staring into my fruit salad for a while.

  
“Yeah, I’m ok,” I answered, “Just thinking.”

  
“About what?” Mikey asked.

  
“Nothing important, I have to get ready for school. I think I’m taking the bu…”

  
Uncle Ben came into the room cutting me off, “No I’m going to drive you the morning.”

  
“What do I call you?” I asked him.

  
He raised his eyebrows at me in amusement. He had told me to call him Ben before but, it felt weird. But Uncle Ben or Uncle didn’t feel right either. However, I had to call him something. When I addressed him or talked about him. He couldn’t just be “that guy” or some other slang. I mean I could have called him asshole but, I didn’t see that one going over well.

  
“Call me whatever you want baby,” He said coming up and going behind me rubbing my shoulders.

  
“Uncle Ben he’s freezing up,” Matty said, “Don’t do that.”

  
“Do what? I’m not hurting him,” Uncle Ben said and Matt gave up shrugging his shoulder and picking a blue berry out of his breakfast bowl.

  
“Can we just go?” I asked Uncle Ben just wanting to get to school just wanting to be away from them. Both Da and Uncle Ben be somewhere different and maybe find someone normal I could talk to. Find someone that I didn’t have to talk about nasty things with.

  
“You want to leave already? You like school that much?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I lied nodding my head, “I just kind of want to be at school.”

  
“Ok we can go, anyone else want to leave early? Go make some new friends?” Ben asked everyone and they all shook their heads.

  
“Ok then let’s go just me and you,” Ben said and I sighed getting up and grabbing my book bag throwing it over my shoulders.

  
“You can call me Ben by the way,” he answered my question seriously as I climbed into the passenger seat and did up my seat belt.

  
“Ok,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“It took that many times for you to decide calling me Uncle was weird?” He asked looking in the rearview mirror smiling as he back out of the driveway.

  
“I don’t know it just…I don’t know,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“This doesn’t have to feel bad you know?” He asked me, “We can make it nice. I’ll take you places, give you things. Make you feel special like you are.”

  
“That’s. That’s ok,” I said looking out the window as we drove towards school, “I don’t need that.”

  
“No, I’m supposed to take care of you,” Ben said, “You’re supposed to be mine. This isn’t supposed to be just sex, unless that’s what you want.”

  
“I don’t know what I want,” I answered.

  
I knew I didn’t want a relationship with him like that let alone the sex. But I knew I didn’t have a choice. That this wasn’t a choice I was making but something that I was being forced to do. Forced to do to save my brothers to keep myself safe, to probably keep my Da from hurting my mum. I sighed.

  
“That’s exactly why I’m the adult and you’re the kid because you don’t know. I have a friend that said he would like to meet you. His name is Barry. I think he’d like you,” Ben said.

  
“Is he like you?” I asked him not sure how else to put it.

  
“You mean does he like spending time with boys like I do?” Ben asked, “Yes.”

  
“What if I don’t want to do that? Don’t want to meet him?” I asked him.

  
“Well I haven’t decided if you will but he would like to meet you and I don’t think it’s up to you,” Ben answered my question just as we pulled up to the drop off.

  
I nodded my head and stepped out walking up the walk way into the building. I didn’t worry about anyone watching me because I felt like no one would. Like it wouldn’t matter until I got to my class and felt someone’s eyes in my space, someone staring at me.

  
I look up and turn my head to my right slowly just in time to catch one of the guys from yesterday that spoke of some summer trips in Michigan with his grandparents Quinn Ashmore looking at me closely before his cheeks flush and he turns away. I sigh glad that I can’t feel his eyes on my skin anymore. I don’t like being stared at. I like being invisible which is probably why spent most of my time silent and trying to keep attention away from myself. I especially like it now, my ability to not draw attention.  
My backside still feels sore and open my head pounding lightly making it hard to concentrate, hard to even really think about anything other than the pain I was in my intestines feeling almost like they were wrapped in knots around themselves. My uncle having gone too hard for too long. I just wanted to fold into myself and curl into a ball. Just to make my stomach feel like it wasn’t dying and trying to expel the dead tissue from my system. Honestly I didn’t want to be at school at all but, being at school was better than being stuck at home waiting for one of them to come into the room and fondle me while my stomach died.

  
“Hey,” Ted said sitting down next to me pulling me from my thoughts causing me to shift my weight making me cringe in pain, “You ok?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “I’m fine.”

  
“Ahhuh,” He said nodding his head.

  
“What does that mean?” I asked him not sure whether I understood the noise he had made.

  
“Oh you know what it means but, let’s just for the sake of it say I’m not looking for a fight. Do you think you’re going to be able to make it to my party on Friday?” He asked me.

  
“I haven’t asked yet,” I answered.

 

“Well, I can ask my Dad to ask whoever he has to,” Ted said as he looked at me, “You want to tell me who? You’re Dad?”

  
“My Uncle,” I answered.

  
I knew that was the right answer. That my Da wouldn’t care one way or another but that Ben, Ben would care. Because while I was my Da’s son I was Ben’s…bottom for lack of a better term to use. He was in charge of my life. Who I talked to outside of school, who I hung out with outside of the house, everything I did had to be ran past him. He had made that extremely clear when he had given a skull fracture for taking a walk without his permission.

  
“Ok I’ll get my Dad to ask him,” Ted said, “You look like you don’t feel very good.”

  
“I don’t,” I answered.

  
“Then why are you…” Ted stopped talking just as the bell ran and Father Barney cleared his throat as a way of getting the classes attention.

  
“Ok everyone now I’m going to be passing books back. I would like you to take a book and pass the rest back until all of the books are gone. These are classroom use only, you will return them to my desk at the end of the period. IF you do need a take home book at any point come see me and we’ll discuss it. We are going to be reading Eli Weistzles Night it’s a biography. Has anyone heard of this book before?” Father Barney questioned looking out at the class of students.

  
I raised my hand and he smiled his eyes flashing to me sending a cold spark down my spine, “Yes Mr. McGregor?”

  
“It’s about a man who survived the Holocaust as a teenager,” I answered quietly losing my confidence as his eyes bored into me.

  
“Very good. Some people say this book is as good as the diary of Anne Frank. Now I personally don’t see any comparisons because they are two different books written about two different lives. It would be like comparing apples to oranges just because they are sitting in the same room. Every life, every story is different no matter the situation. It is not the situation that makes the story but the unique perspective of the writer.” Father Barney said.

  
This is actually something I agree with. No two people are the same even if they are sharing a situation. That however wasn’t something I said in class that day and instead chose to keep my thought to myself as we started the book reading the first chapter and then stopping for discussion.

  
“Why do you think these people ignored Moshe and what he told them of people digging their own graves in the forest?” Father Barney asked the class.

  
Kevin Green raised his hand getting called on, “Because he was poor and old. They thought of him as eccentric. People don’t always believe the outsider that seems weird, that seems to make up stories.”

  
“Good observation Mr. Green,” Father Barney said, “There are other reasons too though what could those other reasons be?”

  
Ted raised his hand, “It’s…” he paused for a second, “It’s hard to believe that people could be so evil, forcing others to dig their own graves. No matter how mean someone is people like to believe that evil has its limits. That it doesn’t exists in that aspect. That no one human could be cruel enough to force someone to do that. To toss babies in the air and shoot them.”

  
“Another good reason yes. We as humans like to see the good in people and sometimes that clouds our judgement, makes us doubt a person’s ability to be evil, to do unspeakable things. We also like to believe that good people, our neighbors and friends our communities wouldn’t stand by and do nothing to help. Wouldn’t stand by and watch things like that happen when sadly those things happen all the time. People stand by and do nothing,” Father Barney said.

  
Good people stand by and do nothing. The words echoed in my head. The idea that disbelief was rampant even among those closest to us. That just because you said something that was true didn’t make it true. That I could tell someone what was happening to me and because I was me, just a boy I wouldn’t be believed. That I wouldn’t be heard. That anything I had to say wouldn’t be believed.

  
That’s what I felt his message was that day and that it was directed at me his eyes barely leaving me. That he knew and he wanted me to know people wouldn’t believe me. That people wouldn’t care until it was too late. Until I was in a train car on the way to my death, metaphorically speaking. I felt like I already was. The doors having already sild closed covering me in darkness. A darkness that was hot and stifling unlike the comforting darkness of my young childhood that would keep me safe.  
After that I felt subdued. Sore, and tired and I just wanted to go home. To be somewhere away from Father Barney whose eyes wouldn’t leave me alone. Who watched me as each person in the class read aloud for the subject covering chapters 2 and 3 that day as well before we took a break for lunch.

  
I wasn’t sure who to sit with. Knowing I couldn’t retreat to the classroom and not wanting to really socialize with anyone when Ted approached me joining me in the lunch line, “Sorry I was a jerk yesterday.” He said quietly as the Lunch lady handed me my tray.

  
“It’s ok,” I said not really turning to look at him, making my way up to the drink trough full of assorted milks and waters and juices picking out the one that was most appealing to me before getting to the end of the line.

  
“No, it’s not,” He said, “Listen I…I have a twisted sense of rumor and my social skills aren’t that great. I really am sorry. Most of the time things aren’t that bad for me and I forget. I forget that for other people it’s harder.”

  
“You don’t have to be my friend,” I said to him.

  
“What if I want to be?” He asked me.

  
“I’m not sure I’m allowed to have them,” I answered.

  
“I won’t tell,” He said, “I swear. We’ll be school friends then if you like, I mean I have a group I hang out with. You remind me of Todd I think you two would get along well.”

  
“Who is Todd?” I asked.

  
“Just follow me,” Ted said and I sighed taking my tray and carrying it over to a table.

  
When I got there I bothered to look up from my feet and take in the boys sitting there. One had dark brown hair and blue eyes, his hair color similar to Ted however his face was rounder whereas Ted’s was slim with a large wide nose. Todd had a thinner nose and was pale. Next to him sat a boy with hair a shade or two darker than my own and Hazel eyes who seemed unusually tall in my opinion for an 11 or 12 year old but he smiled shyly at me and offered a small wave.

  
“This is Todd and the guy who just waved is Julian. That guy over there with his face in the book who looks like he’s half pissed that’s Finn,” He pointed to a guy sitting at the end of the table frowning into a copy of to kill a mocking bird.

  
“What?” The guy said looking up for a second, “Oh, hi.”

  
“Hi,” I answered quietly inhaling. I wasn’t sure what to think of him. Everything about him average but his attitude that screamed I’m just here for the seat. It reminded me of myself. How books were always better than life.

  
“So this is Ben’s Nephew?” Julian asked and I flinched causing him to laugh, “That answers that question I guess. It’s nice to meet you.”

  
“Yeah,” I said sitting down a couple seats away from Julian.

  
“Hey I don’t like the guy either I just know who he is,” Julian said.

  
“Who doesn’t know who he is?” I asked.

  
“Like no one,” Todd mentioned, “I’m sorry.”

  
“For what?” I asked him.

  
“That everyone knows who you are because of that jack hole,” Todd said which caused me to smile lightly.

  
“It’s ok,” I said.

  
“So me calling him names doesn’t offend you?” Todd asked me.

  
“God no,” I said, “He’s horrible.”

  
“Well at least everyone agrees on that,” Finn muttered without looking up from his book.

  
“Ok well I wanted to make sure I didn’t offend him Finn, you never know,” Todd muttered.

  
“How would that offend him, I mean he probably lives with the guy, he knows what he’s like better than any of us would,” Finn said looking up and shutting his book putting his finder up against the spine to save his spot.

  
“Can we talk about something else?” Todd asked, “Has anyone seen any good movies lately?”

  
“Not really,” Julian answered, “Last movie I saw was deep impact but my little brother wasn’t happy about it. He like screamed but he’s like five.”

  
“I saw that,” I answered remembering watching the movie with John at some point on holiday from school. A movie about a meteor hitting the earth with Elijah Wood in it, “It wasn’t bad I didn’t like that the parents died though.”

  
“I thought it was retarded they thought he was dead at first,” Julian said.

  
“That was only because the scientist dude was all like putting his name on the floppy disk,” Todd said, “I thought it was nice that he would do that though, give credit to some high school kid who pointed it out to him.”

  
“How many people do you know would really do that in real life though?” Ted commented, “I mean if I discovered something that would make me famous I’m not sure I’d share the wealth with anyone.”

  
“That’s because you’re selfish,” Finn said shaking his head.

  
“And you’re not?” Ted scoffed.

  
“We’re 12 of course I am,” Finn said.

  
“I’m 10,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“What?” Finn asked looking up at me.

  
“I skipped a grade,” I answered.

  
“Oh,” Finn said, “I didn’t realize you were that young.”

  
“Is there something wrong with that?” I asked.

  
“No. I don’t think so,” Todd said, “Do you think there’s something wrong with that?”

  
“Huh, no?” I questioned.

  
“Does it make you feel weird though? Being surrounded by older people instead of people your age,” Ted asked me.

  
“You’re not that much older than me,” I answered, “And I have an older brother who is almost 13 and in the 8th grade.”

  
“Really is he here?” Todd asked.

  
“No,” I shook my head feeling bad that I had said anything.

  
Of course he wasn’t at school he was being held prisoner in our house. By my Da who was romantically attracted to him. Who was doing god knew what to him. Just thinking about it made me miss him, want to be with him and tell him he wasn’t alone that things would be ok.

  
“Where is he?” Todd asked.

  
Ted must have seen the look on his face because he sighed heavily and then said, “Does anyone have a Nintendo at their house?”

  
“We do,” I answered, “My little brothers have a thing for Mario it’s like their favorite thing to do after homework is done.”

  
“Well, it’s an awesome game have you ever played it?” Ted asked.

  
“Not really between the two of them I don’t really get the chance to,” I answered.

  
“Don’t you have more than 2?” Ted asked me.

  
“Yeah I actually have a lot more than two but those two are the only two really interested in playing to be honest,” I said, “They are only like 2 years younger than I am my youngest brother still isn’t even hear yet.”

  
“Your mom is pregnant?” Todd asked me raising his eyebrows, “That has to be hard.”

  
“Not really she’s still back home. I mean in Europe she’s staying with her Aunt in Paris and going to a special hospital that helps with high risk multiple births. She’ll be fine.”

  
“High risk multiples?” Quinn asked saying something after listening to us silently for a while, “You mean more than one baby?”

  
“Another set of twins, her third,” I answered.

  
“Holy shit,” Finn chimed in, “That’s a lot of twins. Are they all identical?”

  
“No actually only Mike and Matt are identical the other pair is boy girl and this pair will be too,” I answered.

  
“So that’s six siblings,” Todd said, “How many besides that?”

  
“All together you mean? I have 10 if you count the two that are on the way.”

  
“That’s crazy, does your mum know what your Da is like? What he’s doing?” Ted asked making my stomach jump into my throat. I didn’t want to talk about that. About my Da and how he was sick, how my uncle was sick.

  
“Ted do you really have to be like that. I mean we’re in the middle of school. The kid obviously isn’t used to talk about it or he doesn’t want to. I mean we’re trying to talk about normal things,” Finn mumbled opening his book back up like he was bored with the conversation.

  
“It’s weird to talk about,” I answered quietly, “But no. No she doesn’t realize I’m pretty sure.”

  
“How could she not?” Ted said, “You’re uncle is horrible.”

  
“I don’t want to talk about my Uncle,” I answered.

  
“Why he’s the one fucking you?” Ted asked.

  
“TED! Are you fucking kidding me?” Quinn scoffed his eyes flashing, “Do I ask you when your Dad is sticking his dick up your ass? No, don’t ask people that it’s rude.”

  
“Sorry,” Ted said sheepishly.

  
“Honestly Ted you would think you were five,” Quinn muttered, “Sorry about that, about him.”

  
“It’s ok,” I said quietly.

  
I was very not ok with it. He had asked me earlier who he needed to ask for permission to allow me to come to his party. You think that would have been enough and would have given him the answer to that question before he ever asked it. There was no reason for him to say it other than to be rude. To hurt me.

  
I felt like I couldn’t breathe knowing that they all knew. That Ted had dared to ask and I hadn’t been able to answer. Silence was answer enough. I heard Finn sigh heavily before he got up and moved seats so he was sitting in the seat across from me.  
“Hey, you’re ok,” Finn said nodding his head giving me a wide eyed worried stare, “Don’t worry about him. He’s an idiot with a big mouth ok?”

  
I nodded my head and opened my juice swallowing. Trying to wet my throat that had gone dry with embarrassment, shame. I bothered to glance up from the surface of the table that had become so interesting its wooden finish gleaming in the florescent lights above our heads, making everything seem unbearably bright. None of them were looking at me. It just felt like they were. Because they all knew now. If they had doubted it before they all knew now.

  
“So, have you read any good books lately?” Finn asked me pulling my attention back to him.

  
“I’m trying to read a song of Ice and fire,” I answered.

  
“That’s a hefty book isn’t it?” Finn asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I shrugged my shoulders, “It’s interesting though.”

  
“Well, what’s it about” Finn asked me.

  
“Sorry about Teddy though, like really man,” Todd said, “You know how every group seems to have that one person that lack common sense to the point where you think it’s a miracle they survived infancy? That’s Teddy. He’s kind of stupid.”

  
“HEY!” Teddy protested even though he was smiling, “I’m not that stupid. Only a little bit.”

  
“Ted,” Quinn said, “I’m sorry to tell you this but, you should have been born blond.”

  
“Yeah that way everyone would just know,” Todd said laughing.

  
“I’m blond and I’m not stupid,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“That’s because you read and have good genes where a lot of blond people, not so much. Like Teddy only you know Teddy’s not blond,” Todd commented hanging his head solemnly.

  
“Shut up you’re so mean!” Ted scoffed, “I am sorry though that was a stupid question.”

  
“I forgive you,” I said quietly.

  
“Have you …” Never mind, “Finn started to ask, “What’s your book about again? What’s it called?”

  
“A Song of Ice and Fire,” I answered, “It’s written by George R. R. Martin. It’s about this world where the seasons lasts for years on end and there was this big rebellion and their king died so now all the rich royal families are fighting for the crown. It’s interesting. And there are dragons.”

  
“Sounds cool,” Finn said, “I might have to look into it.”

  
“What were you going to ask me before?” I asked.

  
“It’s not important,” Finn said.

  
“You can tell me, I won’t be upset,” I said.

  
“Do you have anyone to talk to?” Finn asked me, “Outside of your family?”

  
“I don’t have a lot of friends no,” I answered.

  
“Well, some people it helps them to talk. If you need to talk to someone. If you have questions, I’ll talk. I’ll listen and I won’t tell anyone what you say,” he said quietly.

  
“Yeah, Finn’s a good guy to talk with about that stuff,” Ted said nodding his head.

  
“I mean you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to but sometimes it helps, makes it easier to know you’re not alone,” Finn said.

  
There were certain things that I was confused about. How he called me baby. How he told me I felt good, tasted good but those things made the heat rush to my face when I thought about them. Made me wonder if they were true. If they were the reason he wanted to do that to me. If it was my fault.

  
“He huh…he says things. They both do,” I said quietly, “And it’s…I don’t know.”

  
“They all say a lot of stuff,” Finn said quietly, “My Dad he’s…he tells me god says you should love your mother and your father. That’s it apart of loving him. When I know it’s not.”

  
“Yeah,” Todd nodded his head, “This one guy he tells me I feel better than anyone else. Almost like his son.”

  
“He lets other people…?” I trailed off.

  
“Most of them do,” Finn answered, “Contracts are more common than just like your Dad doing it. You’re a contract right?”

  
“I think that’s what they called it yeah,” I answered, “Is it like people you’re related to? I mean contracts?”

  
“No, not always,” Todd answered, “I’ve been contracted twice. I mean its better sometimes. Worse sometimes just depends.”

  
“It’s horrible,” I muttered.

  
“If you’re contracted it means they are limiting how many people you’re with. It means that like your handler and your contractor keep you from having to sleep with every guy that walks through the door and asks for you. I mean the leader and elders can override a request your handler and contract holder turn down of course but, usually they won’t. Sometimes contract holders are more like…” I cut him off.

  
“Boyfriends?” I asked, “He’s not my boyfriend he never will be.”

  
“It’s your uncle right?” Ted asked in a less joking tone this time, more quietly.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“That’s unusual. Usually they don’t like to contract blood relations. It’s not unheard of but it’s not common. Did he tell you why he wanted you like that?”

  
I stopped and thought about it. Thought back to that first night he had made me be with him. Back to his words. What he had said.

  
“Will, Will whatever you’re doing stop. You’re upsetting yourself. You’re literally shaking, you need to calm down,” Finn said in a hushed voice.

  
I hadn’t even realized I had closed my eyes that I was focusing that hard trying to remember. Recalling the darkness of the room the feel of the satin sheets on my back as he pulled the hem of my shirt up. Him barking at me. Telling me my shirt came off how he would give me a reason to cry if I wanted to cry.

  
How his hands had started touching me like that before my clothes were even off, before I was even exposed. I sighed blinking a couple of times my brain coming back to the present, my slow silent panic starting to subside as I looked at the four worried faces around me, watching me with confusion.

  
“He said I look like him,” I answered, “That’s probably why. Because I look like him, my Da.”

  
“That’s harsh,” Finn said, “Some of them do that. They have types, blond hair, green eyes, scrawny. Some of them have age groups. I can tell you that some of them like young guys. The Leader he likes young guys.”

  
“Don’t talk about my grandpa dude,” Ted said shaking his head, “Just don’t.”

  
“Wait…,” I said frowning.

  
“Yeah I know all right? I get it. It’s weird, if you haven’t met him yet you will soon and I’m sorry,” Ted said.

  
“Ted you can’t help who you’re related to. Just like he can’t. We all know Ben,” Finn said.

  
“He’s bad,” I said quietly.

  
“That doesn’t mean you’re bad though.

  
“Are they going to be…?” I trailed off.

  
“No,” Ted shook his head, “I mean they’ll be there probably because it’s my mom’s house and she’s…”

  
“His mom’s fucked up man,” Todd said, “Like most of us either our mom’s left or they died or whatever but his mom she’s ok with it. I think she got dropped on her head one too many times.”

  
“That’s my mom dude,” Ted said, “But yeah she’s weird. Like she’s a therapist but a horrible one. Like they have all these ideas and shit and she agrees with it and it’s creepy. Like I think my grandpa brainwashed her. Probably both of them.”

  
“Both of them?” I asked.

  
“Well,” Ted said, “Both of them are considered Elders in the brotherhood and they have this weird. It’s like a cult dude. They have kids right and then they make their daughters marry guys that go recruit and then after they give them a son they can divorce as long as they leave the son with the Dad. My mom married my Dad and gave me but my Dad didn’t want to be tracked anymore so he left. But she kept me. And…”

  
Ted feel quiet. So it was his mom that was a part of the brotherhood and not his Dad. I wondered how rare that was or if it was a common thing. Because it seemed like a mom would not be ok with that happening to her kids. I had heard what Da had to say about it. About “teaching me” and “Loving me” and I didn’t believe a word of it. Because if Ben loved me. He wouldn’t tell me he’d hurt someone else to hurt me. He wouldn’t keep going when I told him to stop.

  
“I’m sorry,” I said to Ted.

  
He smiled at me sadly after taking an intense interest in his blazer sleeve, “It is what it is right? I mean at least I’m not going to have to marry some guy and give a kid to him for him to be a shit person to. I just have to marry a girl. If I go recruit if I don’t my mom will probably still try to take whatever kids I have but that’s why I don’t plan to have any.”

  
“What’s recruit?” I asked still not sure what the word meant.

  
“Guys who want to…continue “teaching” their kids,” Todd answered, “You decide if it’s something you want to do and when you’re between 16 and 25 you tell them. If not you sign a gag order and they give you money. To not…tell anyone.”

  
I sat there for a minute mulling it over. What exactly that meant. Did that mean they stopped touching you when you were 16 or did it mean that they stopped when you were 25 or when you announced that you were going to be one of them? I was consumed as to what that meant.

  
“It just means you can do it to other kids if you want. A lot of recruits do,” Finn said.

  
“So do they stop…you know?” I asked.

  
“No,” Ted said, “No they don’t stop. I have a cousin Chad he’s a recruit and he…it still happens just less often. He has more say and who contracts him. What parties he goes to that type of stuff.”

  
“Parties?” I asked.

  
“Yeah my grandpa owns this place it’s like a really big house they call it the Villa they have weekend parties there where you don’t have to be brought every weekend usually but they …take turns with…” Ted went quiet.

  
I shook my head hugging myself. Was this true? Was this what they were going to do to me? To my little brothers? To John? Just thinking about it hurt, made me feel gross. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear anymore. I knew I was probably better off knowing. Knowing what was going to happen but, I didn’t want to.

  
“Are you ok?” Finn asked me.

  
“I…,” I swallowed the dryness in the back of my throat, “I don’t feel very well.”

  
“Just know you’re not alone ok? It’s something we’re all dealing with. There are a lot of us a lot more of us that go to other schools or are homeschooled. We can talk about it more a little later because the bell is about to ring and we’re lucky no one has heard us talking about it yet. If Father Barney overheard or anyone else for that matter we’d be brought to Watson and he’s…he’s not nice,” Todd said as the bell rang, “So let’s get back to class and just like chill.”

  
“Ok,” I said and nodded my head.

  
I felt like I wanted to scream. What kind of nightmare had I allowed myself to fall into? What type of life was this? They hurt you until you were 25? Until you were an adult that should be able to make your own choices? To do what you wanted with your life?

  
I felt numb for the rest of the school day. So this was my life? Uncle Ben was my life. Worrying about my brothers. I sighed trying to stay calm trying to silently panic as I wrapped my brain around what I had been told. What I had learned. As I tried to not feel sorry for myself but to accept it for it was. Something I couldn’t control, and couldn’t stop. Knowing that I would have to find a way to anchor myself and wait out the storm that was brewing hoping it didn’t blow me to pieces when it finally caught me in its Gail force winds.


	13. Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will sits down to dinner with his brothers. He still doesn't know where John is and still haven't seen him. Things are weird and he can't catch a break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 163-173 short chapter I know. **WARNINGS:** Rape/non-con, talk of sexual abuse, forced blow job, passing out, brainwashing, really confused kids.

When the bell rang, I went to the pick-up drive. Knowing he’d come for me. That I was his again. I felt like I was walking towards death or a maybe a cage. My mind starting to blank out slowly, me starting to separate myself from my body so I wouldn’t have to feel his hands on my knee on the way home.

  
I felt a hand on my shoulder making me jump 10 feet in the air, “Dude, I’m so sorry!” Todd said loudly, “I didn’t mean to scare you I thought you knew I was right here.”

  
“It’s ok, I’m ok,” I lied.

  
“Is he coming to pick you up?” He asked me quietly his face turning serious, sympathetic.

  
I nodded my head. It wasn’t something I wanted to talk about. My heart pounding.

  
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Todd said suddenly, “Just anything you’re thinking don’t hide it, don’t fight to keep it silent. I won’t tell anyone and no one is listening. Just do it.”

  
“I’m scared. He’s going to touch me and I’m scared and I don’t want him to,” I said my voice shaking as I bit my lip.

  
“I know, you have every right to be scared but Will you’re not alone right now. You’re not the only one these guys are hurting. Something I do, whenever I’m…I know they are about to hurt me. I make sure they know I’m not ok with it. I tell them no, to stop and leave me alone. That I don’t like it,” Todd told me.

  
“I’m not allowed to,” I said, “I can’t say no. If I say no he threatens to hurt someone because he’s mad at me. Just like my Da.”

  
“You can say no without using words,” He told me.

  
“They can’t stop you from using your body language, clamming up, glaring at them, make sure they understand it’s not just fear but it’s anger too,” Todd said as my Uncles old Concord pulled up to the curb.

  
“Hey,” Ted said running over, “Is that him?”

  
“Is who him?” My Uncle asked rolling down the window, “Oh little Larkin, how are you?”

  
“I’m ok sir, I’m having a beginning of the school year party on Friday and I was wondering if Will could come?” Ted said quietly shifting his weight from foot to foot.

  
“If he wants, he can yes,” Uncle Ben said.

  
“Really?” I asked frowning.

  
“Yes, now get in the car Will before I get in trouble for holding up the line,” Uncle Ben said.

  
“Thank you, sir,” Ted said.

  
I sighed and nodded at Todd who gave me a reassuring nod back as I exhaled deeply opening up the passenger door and climbing into the car. So, I could go to this party. But what was it going to cost me? What was he going to do to me?

  
“That’s a good boy to be friends with, he has relatives in high places baby, just like you,” He said putting his hand on my knee making me tense, “Did you learn anything in school today?”

  
“I don’t remember,” I answered honestly.

  
“You don’t remember?” He asked me confused.

  
“You make my mind blank,” I said before I realized how that sounded my cheeks flushing.

  
“Oh,” He said smiling and laughing lightly, “I’m flattered. You like me that much huh? There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  
I sighed. I knew that was how he was going to take it. That’s what he thought I was going to mean. I didn’t like him at all. He scared me but, he left me tongue tied and feeling stupid for the first time in my life from the first moment I saw him and saw that look in his eye I felt dumb.

  
We came to a stop light and he leaned over close to me grabbing my neck pulling my head close to him, “God you I want your cock so bad.”

  
“No,” I shook my head and tried to pull away him squeezing my neck kind of hard.

  
“Don’t use that word, you know the rules baby. Don’t make me mad,” He warned me.

  
“Sorry,” I barely whispered.

  
“It’s ok to be nervous about it. I know your young, that it feels weird to your body but I’ll get you used to it. I promise you’ll like you’ll even beg me for it once you’re used to it,” he said and just nodded my head in response.

  
After I managed to move air through my lungs again a couple of times I looked at him, “How is John?” I asked.

  
“I wouldn’t know you’d have to ask your Da,” Uncle Ben said, “You worried about him?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered quietly.

  
“I’m sure you’re Da is taking good care of him ok? You don’t need to worry about John,” Uncle Ben said.

  
“What is he doing to him?” I asked daring to look at Uncle Ben as the light turned green.

  
“Baby, seriously don’t worry about it. He’s teaching him just like I’m teaching you that’s all. You don’t need to worry ok?” Uncle Ben said.

  
When he pulled up to the house he parked by the kitchen making me go through the back door. Da acting sketchy when we entered him actually standing at the stove like he was cooking for once. I had never seen the man hold a spatula in my life.

  
“What are you doing?” I asked him before I could stop myself.

  
“I’m cooking your dinner what does it look like?” Da asked me.

  
“I’ve never seen you cook,” I answered.

  
“Ben, do you want to take him upstairs and talk to him about that thing?” Da asked Uncle Ben.

  
“What…? Oh!” He said his eyes lighting up in understanding as I slid my shoes off and set them by the door, “Come on baby.”

  
“Talk to me about what?” I asked.

  
“Come on baby,” He said again putting his hand on my shoulder as Ben shot my Da a look that I didn’t understand and my Da nodded, “We’ll talk upstairs.”

  
I sighed allowing him to lead me upstairs expecting to go to maybe the guest room where I had been sleeping with James but instead we walked to the end of the hallway making me go cold inside. We were going to his bedroom. I stopped moving.  
“Will baby, it’s ok,” He said as I started shaking my head not wanting to say the word.

  
“I…” I stuttered.

  
“What’s going on? Tell me how you feel,” He said gently.

  
“Please I don’t want to,” I answered him.

  
“Baby, I love you. I’m not going to hurt you I promise. We’ll take our time. You remember yesterday afternoon? It’ll be like that,” He said quietly.

  
He grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckles trying to move me forward when I felt frozen. Trying to make me walk into a room where he was going to make me undress and climb on top of me. Where he was going to rape me.

  
“Oh, come on baby,” He said before he picked me up cradling me in his arms and opening the bedroom door by balancing most of my weight on his one arm before he sat me down on the bed.

  
“You know how beautiful you are?” He asked me cupping my cheek in his hands as I felt frozen, “you don’t have to be scared baby ok? I can make you feel good like yesterday ok?”

  
I started shivering, my heart feeling like a caged animal trying to break free in anyway it could. Even though my brain was telling me to fight to scream I couldn’t. I couldn’t like the connection between my brain and body had somehow gotten disconnected making it impossible to do anything but shiver and breathe and wish it wasn’t happening.

  
“We’ll get you past this ok? It just takes time. Once you’re used to it it’ll be easier, you won’t be so scared you freeze up anymore I promise,” He muttered into my ear lobe biting at it gently as he undid my tie going for the buttons at my collar. Only undoing the first three of four buttons before moving to the buttons on my wrists and then pulling my oxford off vest and all leaving me sitting there frozen eyes wide and unblinking, leaving me frozen in my body forced to watch him, to feel his fingers tips dance lightly on my skin.

  
“God you’re prefect. Just like him so prefect,” He whispered undoing my pants and then forcing me to lay back his mouth landing against my skin in the middle of my torso somewhere between my pecks and belly button his hand so big it covered almost one side of my chest completely making me whimper before I had no choice but to close my eyes panting.

  
“That’s right baby,” He moaned rolling his tongue over one of my nipples making me tense my feet pointing my toes wanting him to stop not able to move my body in any other way as his hand went to cup me through my underwear pushing my pants past my hips before pulling them off me. He used his fingers quicker than before.

  
Pushing a bit harder to open me up faster before he gently parted my legs meeting no resistance, “There you go baby, take a deep breath for me ok? I’ll go nice and…”

  
My breathing hitched as he started pushing in. It always hurt the worst going in. Burning along my insides until he reached the half way mark the dull burn turning into a sharp pain for half a second before he stopped moving, before he was completely inside of me.

  
“God, you feel so good baby,” He moaned before slowly rolling his hips making me whimper, “That’s right baby, that’s right moan for me baby. Let me know how good it feels.”

  
It didn’t feel good. My insides tickling my stomach muscles going tight all the way down the hotness pooling in my groin and all I could do was lay back frozen solid as he gently prodded at my insides with his dick making me squirm making everything feel worse.

  
“Oh baby you feel so good you don’t have to cry it’s ok, it’s ok for it to feel good, we’re almost there, we’re almost there…we’re almos…” he pressed his lips to mine muffling his own groan as he shot his load inside me my whole body going taunt before that feeling of release flooded my lower body like it had the night before and the afternoon before that making me go slack in his arms.

  
“God you’re so beautiful so prefect, my baby, my beautiful sexy amazing baby,” He said as he pulled out of me, “God I could fuck you forever you feel so good. So, perfect.”

  
He kept muttering praises into my skin my chest and neck, my arms, my hands as I laid there frozen trying to force myself back. Trying to make my limbs work. Trying not to hate myself for what he’d done. For what he was making me into.

  
“It’s ok baby,” he whispered quietly into my cheek as I finally felt my body unthaw almost sure it was over my insides feeling sticky the dull sting in-between my legs mixed with slime as he finally let me go allowing me to move, to reanimate, “I know it’s hard we’ll work on it ok?”

  
I just nodded my head not able to look at him, see the way he was looking at me as I grabbed the closest thing to me, a pillow and put it over myself so I didn’t have to be naked anymore.

  
“No, no no baby I love seeing you, touching you,” He said his voice husky making me freeze up again knowing what he was probably going to do. That he wasn’t done. That he was…

  
“Going to make you feel good…” he muttered into my belly button repeating the words that were bouncing around inside my brain as I closed my eyes just wishing he would stop, that he would let me go. As I felt his mouth down there making it hard to push air in and out of my body making me want to struggle but know I couldn’t. That I should and I wasn’t allowed to as I bit into my lip before he managed to illicit a moan from me my lips tightly pressed together turning it into a tiny hiss instead.

  
The only sound was him slurping and sucking as my whole body vibrated with the effort of trying not to give him what he wanted. Trying to control myself and finding the task impossible the pressure in my pelvis growing until it almost burned before I surrendered to the feeling. Before I waved the white flag at him.

  
“Beautiful,” He muttered, “God you’re so fucking sexy and you taste so nice, every bit of you,” He whispered coming up to my face before he kissed my forehead, “I’m going to go get you some clothes ok? That way you don’t freak your brothers out if they’re home and then we can go eat. Come back here and just relax some more,” his hand grabbed me and started rubbing again as I laid there frozen wishing he could just go away, get his hands away, his lips, his body away from mine making my eyes sting paralyzing my voice.

  
When he let go I sighed with relief him probably grabbing a pair of pants quickly before I found the ability to move again curling into the fetal position wanting to cry but finding myself unable to. Not wanting to feel weaker than I had to. Not wanting to break down in this room, in this space.

  
When the door reopened, I jumped about 10 feet in the air holding my knees tighter. I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want to be with him I didn’t want him near me and I wanted to scream but found I couldn’t.

  
“Hey, it’s ok. We’re done for now baby it’s ok,” He said quietly, “I know it’s hard at first. To get used to it happening so much but you’ll be ok. I promise.”

  
I nodded my head as he set a pair of sweat pants down next to me on the bed and I stood up on shaky legs and put them on. Knowing that I had to go downstairs. That I had to try and be normal like everything was ok. Not because that’s what Da and Uncle Ben wanted but because I didn’t want to scare my brothers. Because I didn’t want them to worry about me more than some of them already were.

  
I got up limping slightly as the burn spread up my spine and insides every step I made. It had been too rough, gone too fast. I could tell the difference between today and yesterday. How yesterday hadn’t burned as much the slight sting going away after a couple of hours but today it felt more intense each step making me regret the next as the pain ebbed and flowed with each pause in-between.

  
“A little sore?” He asked me putting his hand on my back.

  
I nodded my head standing up straighter at the contact my heart feeling like it had skipped a beat.

  
“I think I went a little fast I’m sorry baby. Later it won’t be so quick. I’ll be softer,” He said to which I just nodded my head some more.

  
When we got downstairs three pairs of little green stopped to stare at me as I sat down. None of them speaking just watching me. I had no idea what was wrong most of my nerve endings focused on the pain below my waist and not really feeling anything above that point.

  
“What?” I asked softly.

  
Da turned and looked before he laughed, “Shit Benny really?”

  
“Sorry,” Ben shrugged his shoulders sitting down in one of the empty chairs.

  
“Da why does his tummy look like that?” Mike asked quietly frowning as he ate a forkful of food drawing my attention to it, causing me to look down.

  
I had red crescent marks going across my lower rib cage. Hickeys. And I hadn’t noticed them. Hadn’t felt them. Hadn’t bothered to look at my body since he had done it.

  
“It’s nothing to worry about, he’s fine,” Da answered Mike.

  
My eyes started to burn more forcing me to close them and when I opened them I started crying. I wanted my mum. I didn’t want this anymore. I hurt too much it was too hard to deal with. Knowing that he had just raped me and made my body like it. Knowing that he was going to do it again after dinner.

  
“Oh honey,” Da sighed standing up and coming over to me hugging me as I tried to push him away, “Shhh…it’s ok…you’re ok I know it’s hard but it gets easier I promise. And its just Ben ok? It’s not a big deal. I’m sorry he let you embarrass yourself but it’s ok. I promise.”

  
“I…” I managed to stutter out before I had to gulp air, “I don’t feel very…very good.”

  
“I’m sure, I’m sure you’re tired,” Da said, “Why don’t you eat some food and then go upstairs with Ben to rest huh?”

  
“He won’t let me rest Da,” I whispered, “He won’t…”

  
“Ben, can you give him a break for a couple of days. I think maybe you’re being too aggressive in your lessons,” Da said.

  
“A break how? Ben asked.

  
“No more…back business,” Da answered.

  
“That’s the second time in three weeks,” Ben said, “Fucking…”

  
“Well maybe if you were a little bit softer…it wouldn’t be an issue you have. If you notice I haven’t had any issues with that on my end.”

  
“I wouldn’t know, none of us would, now would we?” Ben said.

  
“Da what are you talking about?” Matt asked, “Is he talking about John?”

  
Of course, he was. My Da was telling my uncle to lay off but telling him John was his. That he was doing the same thing to John that Ben was doing to me but, he wasn’t getting rough. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what a nightmare that was for John. Having Da on top of him saying stuff like that, hurting him but, not.

  
“Is that all we are?” I somehow managed to ask.

  
“What? What do you mean?” Da asked me sitting back down in his chair leaning his face into the palm of his hand and sighing.

  
“Your…” I didn’t want to say the words but I didn’t see any other way to say it, “Your sex toys.”

  
“Oh baby,” Ben said coming up behind me and hugging me around my neck and shoulders making me freeze making the heat rush to my face. I hated him touching me in front of them. Hated that it showed them it was ok. When it wasn’t, “You’re my special boy not a sex toy. My very very special….” He said sniffing the back of my neck making me tense making it hard to breathe, “boy.”

  
“Ben not in front of the kids. Kissing is ok when he’s ready for it but he’s obviously not so take a step back please,” Da said.

  
Ben sighed and then kissed me behind the ear, “Sorry beautiful,” he muttered before letting me go and sitting back down.

  
“Kissing is ok?” James asked one of his eyebrows cocked in what I could only assume was a mixture of disgust and confusion.

  
“Yeah bud, kissing is ok. I kiss you sometimes. I kiss mum, your brothers and sisters. There is nothing wrong with kissing,” Da said.

  
“But once when we were at the park at home I saw this guy kissing with his tongue this girl and mum said those are mummy and Daddy kisses are those kisses ok too?” James asked, “Because I know you share mummy and Daddy kisses with Mum.”  
“I like to think of them as real love kisses,” Da answered, “I really love your mum so I kiss her like that sometimes. Mostly in private but sometimes in front of other people.”

  
“Real love kisses?” Mike asked, “So does that mean that Matty really loves me because you made us kiss like that?”

  
My eyes went wide that time. Was he fucking kidding? My Da had made them French kiss each other? That sounded totally nasty. I couldn’t imagine French kissing anyone really let alone one of my brothers.

  
“You ok there Will? You look a little green around the gills,” Da asked me sounding amused.

  
“That’s not…” I shook my head.

  
“Matty really loves you Mikey, I promise,” Da said shooting me a warning look.

  
“What Da it’s…” He cut me off.

  
“Will don’t start or I’ll take it back I swear I’ll take it back. You want to be not be able to sit down be my guest and go ahead and say it.”

  
I shut my mouth. Of course, I didn’t want that.

  
“Why wouldn’t he be able to sit down?” Matty asked.

  
“Well,” Da said, “You know how we talked about when a Da really loves his sons he puts his penis in his son’s butt?”

  
The only thing I could think was “I’m going to be sick”

  
“Yeah and you said it can hurt sometimes,” Matty said.

  
“YES!” Da said, “It can make it hard to sit.”

  
“Oh,” Matty said shrugging his shoulders, “Why would you do something to your son that would make him not be able to sit if you love him.”

  
“Because even though it can hurt a little sort of like…it’s sort of like riding your bike sometimes you fall down and it hurts but it’s a lot more fun than not riding your bike because you’re afraid of hurting your knee so you do it anyway. It doesn’t mean if it hurt that I wouldn’t tell love you. I’d just want you to have fun with me even it meant hurting for a little while. You understand?” Da explained.

  
“I think so,” Matty answered going back to eating.

  
I wanted to shout at him to tell him no. That none of that was right. It was all wrong, so wrong. Da’s weren’t supposed to do that to their kids. They weren’t supposed to hurt them. Hurting them wasn’t supposed to be fun and they weren’t supposed to let other people do it. Because even though Da hadn’t said anything about letting other people do things to us my new friends had made sure I understood that was coming. That there was no way to avoid that.

  
I knew I would have to find a time later tonight to talk to all three of them. To make sure they were aware that what Da was doing wasn’t a special secret, that it wasn’t love. That it was wrong and painful and embarrassing and that he was going to let other people do it too. That none of this was ok.

  
That making out with your brother was frowned upon in polite society just like it was frowned upon to do the same thing with your Da and Uncle and anyone else you were blood related to especially if you were under the age of 18. Life felt so complicated as I sat there making sure I stayed quiet because I would rather be able to sit in my chair at school tomorrow than not.

  
“So…I heard you got invited to a party at the Larkin house?” Da asked.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“That seems like it might be fun, that’s a good family to be friends with,” Da said smiling.

  
I just nodded my head. Teddy seemed like an idiot but he had introduced me to everyone else and he did seem harmless. Having people I could talk to and not have to worry about what I said might be a good thing. Considering it was something I had struggled with since I was little since I had realized your Da climbing into bed with you at night a rubbing on you wasn’t normal about three years earlier.

  
“I told him he could go, Teddy actually asked me he’s a good boy,” Ben said making me look at him, “Since we’re not in the dark about certain things anymore I think it’s time for the five of us to have a talk Connor what do you think?”

  
“Yes, actually I think you’re right,” Da said, “Ok boys there are certain things that we do at home that we can’t talk about in public because people will be upset if they know and we don’t want to upset anyone. You can kiss us and cuddle us and give us love touches at home if you want. It’s not something you have to do but if you want to you can at home but only at home inside the house ok?”

  
“Why?” James asked.

  
“Because people might get upset and want to take you away. And when Mummy gets here we can’t do it front of mummy because it will upset her. And we don’t want mummy upset, right?” He asked them.

  
“Right can we touch each other though?” Matty asked.

  
“Only in private. Like if you notice Ben said Will was his very special boy, right?” Da said making me feel self-conscious and start blushing.

  
I hated that. It felt dirty just hearing them say it. They might as well of just said he was making me have sex with him. That I was his fuck toy because we all knew that’s what it meant.

  
“Yeah and that means he sticks his penis in Will’s butt, right?” Matty asked like he was asking my Da to pass the butter.

  
“I’m…I’m…going…t-to…,” I mumbled trying to keep myself calm, keep myself breathing. I didn’t want to hear this. I wasn’t ok with this. This was horrible.

  
“No, you can stay, I want you to stay,” Da said to me, “Yes, it means that that’s something they do sometimes. Sometimes it’s ok to be nervous and tell your special friend you don’t want to hug and kiss in front of people. And one day you guys might have special friends too. How do you feel about that?”

  
“I don’t know, ok I guess as long as it doesn’t hurt like falling off a bike,” Mikey said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Da can we see John?” James said suddenly, “I miss him I want to talk to him.”

  
“We’ll see,” Da said, “But don’t tell John that Will is Uncle Ben’s special boy ok?”

  
“Why not?” James asked.

  
“John might get jealous and be mad and we don’t want that, right?” Da said.

  
“Ok,” James answered.

  
“Da can I go please?” I finally managed to ask.

  
“Yeah honey you can go, I’ll take care of dishes tonight,” Da said and Uncle Ben stood up at the same time I did.

  
“Please don’t,” I said.

  
“WILLIAM!” Da snapped at me making me jump, “You know how I feel about those words and the same rules apply to him. You understand?”

  
“Yes, Da,” I said quietly.

  
So, I was right. I really couldn’t tell him no. I didn’t have a right to say no. To tell him I didn’t want to have sex. That I didn’t want to be raped that I didn’t want him touching me, or kissing me. Or…

  
“Hey…it’s ok baby,” Ben said grabbing my hand, “It’s ok.”

  
It wasn’t ok. That feeling hit me again of not being able to breathe. Of being trapped. They weren’t going to make me in front of my brothers, were they?

  
“Let’s ok upstairs ok? You can lay down for a while,” He said as I numbed myself emotionally and nodded my head.

  
I knew he was taking me upstairs to give me head. To make me hate my body and the fact that I couldn’t control it to make me squirm and squeal and wish I had my mum and wish I could talk to John so that I didn’t feel so alone.

  
“God you’re beautiful,” He murmured into my neck as I laid on the bed letting him pulling my sweat pants off, “Don’t go limp I’ll be nice. We’ll go slow ok?”

  
“I thought Da said you…that you couldn’t…” I managed to get out.

  
“Well,” He said down on the bed folding my pants neatly and setting them down next to him, “I think I can refrain if you help me with something.”

  
“What?” I asked quietly afraid of his answer.

  
“Make me feel good. Like I make you feel good,” He said standing up and undoing his fly.

  
That was something I had never done before. That Da had never forced me to do that. He had only ever touched me or given me oral not the other way around. I didn’t know what I was doing.

  
“How…how do I… do that?” I asked him barely above a whisper looking at his waist.

  
“Well, I can walk you through it,” he said pulling down his jeans and boxers, “Now I just want you to touch it.”

  
I looked at the mess of winery curls surrounding his genitals. I didn’t want that near my face, my mouth. I felt completely lost as he gently took my hand and put it on his shaft making me rub it. It felt weird almost like warm playdough moving under my hand as it started to harden feel less wrinkly and become smoother against the skin of my palm as he gently made me grip it.

  
It felt weird and I wasn’t really sure what I was doing him closing his eyes as he ran his other hand gently through my hair finally letting go of the hand that was on him as I kept moving it slowly up and down his length the skin moving under my hand as it started to feel warmer and smoother him making a little grunting sound, “Good boy, that’s my good boy,” He said.

  
He made moaning sounds bucking his hips forward into my hand before he opened his eyes tilting my chin up gently so I was looking at him, “Now I want you to lick it like an ice cream cone ok? Just slow no teeth all right.”

  
I nodded my head and took a deep breath afraid of what it would be like. Worried that there would be something wrong with it before I licked the tip. It was salty and maybe a little sour it suddenly feeling sticky causing me to try and pull away but before I could he grabbed the back of my neck keep me from pulling away.

  
“Now just open your mouth and take be deep breath and relax,” He said to me before I felt him pushing past my lips.

Before I knew it, he was shoving his way into my throat choking me on it. I tried to stay calm but then I wasn’t getting any air as he grunted ramming into the back of my throat burning, making it hurt. Things started blur and I remember not really being scared. Not fighting for air. But allowing myself to relax. I wasn’t thinking about dying but I allowed myself to feel peaceful to drift to a place where he couldn’t hurt me. Where I was in control before everything went dark. Like being sealed in that closet as child barely more than a toddler, sealing me into safety.


	14. Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is in a lot of pain but Uncle Ben offers him a deal he can't refuse (not in a godfather type way I don't think, would be one sick movie if that was the case). He also gets a taste of what brotherhood activities are really like and it shakes him to the core. Makes him worry about the world he's surrounded by and what it means for him and his brothers especially his younger brothers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 174-197 You are now almost in the 200's say "yay" do you think it's too much to go over events that have already happened because we're getting to that point. Or do you actually like seeing someone else's POV seeing someone else's feeling on things that are happening? Let me know what you think. Within the next two chapters John should be reappearing and I'm hoping as time goes on you guys will all get a better read for Will's friends and their personalities. After this weekend I might have a real beta as well so it should help me with some consistanecy and making sure everything flows the way it should. **Warning:** Rape/non-con, talk of sexual abuse, talk of cult rituals (just a little), talk of anxiety, mental health issues,priest abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, child curiousness

I remember the feeling of falling, reaching for something and then my eyes opening with a jolt. My heart was pounding and I looked around the room wildly and found myself still in that room. His bedroom.

  
“Oh, thank god I thought I was going to have to call Vic. You know how much trouble that would get me into? That would be considered a second strike. So, I’m so glad you woke up,” Ben said to me from where he was sitting on the chair in between his bathroom and closet doors.

  
“Wh…” I sputtered and coughed a sharp pain shooting down my wind pipe before I tried again, “What happened?”

  
“Well you were giving me the blow job of my life and you passed out. You were even better than Thai kid,” Ben said smiling, “You’ll be ok just your throat will be a little sore for a bit. I’m glad I didn’t get to caught up in the sensation otherwise you might be dead.”

  
“You think?” I croaked.

  
“Oh, fun near death experiences give you attitude? You should keep that in check because I don’t like attitude. I am sorry though. I don’t want to lose you,” He sighed his eyes softening for a minute.

  
“I’m sure you are,” I answered, “Can I go to bed?”

  
“You’re in bed,” He pointed out.

  
“My bed,” I answered, “That I share with James.”

  
“Oh baby,” He said coming over making me freeze, “You’re going to share my bed for a little while ok?”

  
“What if…what if I don’t want to?” I asked.

  
“Then James can share it with me, and honestly I was mediocre earlier and I caused you some pain his body is a lot smaller than yours is. So, think about that,” Ben said.

  
“You wouldn’t hurt him, would you?” I asked him.

  
“Well I’m pretty sure your Da wasn’t in there very long if he made it in all the way. And he probably bled because they always bleed so imagine how much pain he’s going to be once I embed him on my cock,” Ben said.

  
“What are you going to do to me?” I asked him.

  
“Well tonight we’re going to sleep because it’s late and you have school tomorrow and I think one day will be enough to make your Da happy about me keeping it in my pants but that doesn’t mean I can’t make you feel good,” He said.

  
“Why do you like to do that?” I asked him.

  
“It tastes good,” He said, “I mean everyone taste a little different but it’s nice to hear those sounds baby, know your eyes are rolling, that you feel good. That you’re out of control and you can’t help it that it feels good. It’s nice to know I have the power to do that.”

  
I felt my heart drop. He liked hurting me by not hurting me. He liked knowing that I was afraid of him. That all he had to do was touch me put his mouth down there and he could make me hate myself in so many different ways and he knew it.

  
“Hey, it doesn’t have to make you feel bad, all you have to do is decide you want it and it’ll feel good,” He told me sitting down next to me on the bed, “I see it in you, you know?”

  
“See what?” I asked.

  
“Well when we’re out I see you looking at certain people none of them are girls,” He said to me.

  
I felt my stomach drop. He knew? He knew he was going to tell mum and mum would be so mad, she would kill me or give me to them to make sure that I never…

  
“You can’t tell,” I said nearly crying, “I don’t mean to. I don’t…you can’t tell.”

  
“Hey, hey there isn’t anything wrong with it despite what your mum might say about it. And why would I tell? Who knows maybe you’ll decide you want me as much as I want you?” He said cupping my cheek.

  
“I don’t…” I said before I started crying not able to help myself.

  
“It’s ok baby, it’s ok. I know it’s scary but I won’t say anything,” He said kissing my cheek his hand looping around my chest pulling me into his body pinning my back against him.

  
“Please,” I begged quietly, “Please.”

  
“I won’t tell baby. Not even Da ok?” He said, “If you’re good.”

  
“If I’m good?” I asked afraid to move, to try and pull away.

  
“Don’t tell John about us. You sleep in bed with me every night. You don’t tell me no, stop or don’t unless I say you can ok?” He said into the back of my neck.

  
I nodded my head. There wasn’t much to say about it. It’s not like he was giving a choice in the matter. I could either do what he told me to or he’d tell mum and she would hate me. Probably tell me I deserved what I got for thinking boys were cute, for wondering what they looked like. What it felt like to kiss them or how I used to wonder that before. Before Uncle Ben.

  
“Good,” He said leaning back pulling me with him and turning off the only lamp lighting up the room sitting on his night stand, “Let’s go to sleep.”

  
“Goodnight,” I said as he reached forward and kissed my cheek no letting me go.

  
“Goodnight baby,” he answered closing his eyes.

  
It took me forever to fall asleep and when he woke me up I could barely keep my eyes open. He had held onto me all night. Making me feel suffocated, making it near impossible to relax enough to actually lose consciousness.

  
“Come on baby, time to get up for school,” He said letting me go and stretching as he finally allowed me to sit up.

  
“I’m tired,” I answered.

  
“Really?” He said sitting up and straddling me pushing me down into the mattress curling his lip in a half smile, “You can stay home with me. I’ll wake you up.”

  
He ground his pelvis against mine making my breath catch. No, no that’s not what I meant. Was all I could think, I meant I was tired and I wanted to sleep. To actually physically sleep without someone smashing their body against mine.

  
“Ben please?” I begged, “Please? I need to go to school.”

  
His smile widened, “Ben? I like that. Hearing you say that. Not Uncle Ben but just…Ben.”

  
“Mhm,” I said nodding my head, “I need to go to school.”

  
“Say my name again?” He said rubbing his nose against mine.

  
“Ben,” I gasped.

  
“What’s my name?” He asked me.

  
“Be….” I managed to get out before he shoved his tongue in my mouth without warning. It didn’t feel good it felt slimy and tasted like morning breath mixed with salt and ass and I started coughing causing him to pull away.

  
“Sorry I didn’t mean to surprise you,” He said looking down at me his eyes watching me like he was looking for something, some specific reaction.

  
“I need to go to school,” I said again.

  
“I know baby,” He sighed getting off me, “I know you should get ready.”

  
I climbed to my feet while I was shaking. I felt grateful. Grateful that he hadn’t continued to hold me down. That he hadn’t tried to “make me feel good” or anything like that as I got up and walked away going to the room I shared with James and where my uniforms were so I could get dressed.

  
When I opened the door I found him already awake. Already mostly dressed and he looked at me and sighed. I didn’t want to deal with his questions that morning. I was too tired my brain still only half awake.

  
“He hurt you? Did he?” James asked.

  
“No, I’m fine,” I answered, “He wants me to sleep in his room from now on though.”

  
“Oh,” James said quietly, “Tell him you don’t want to. Tell him you want to stay here with me.”

  
“I did, he said I can’t,” I answered him.

  
“That’s ok though,” James sighed, “It won’t be long before Mummy is home and then things will get better.”

  
I smiled at that. Him seeing a positive reminding me that our arrangement wouldn’t last forever. That once mum was home I wouldn’t be sharing a bed with him. My rapist.

  
“That’s right,” I said, “Thank you for reminding me.”

  
“You’re welcome,” He said, “Do you think we’ll be able to see John soon? I miss him.”

  
“I think so but I’m not completely sure,” I answered him, “Just keep asking Da where he is. If we can see him. Maybe if we ask enough he’ll let John come see us.”

  
“I wish he would I miss him,” James said, “Will do you…?” He mumbled something.

  
“Do I what?” I asked him.

  
“Think Da is hurting him?” James asked clearly.

  
I sighed heavily, “Probably. I imagine that John is very tired of being in Da’s room alone. Da can be really mean you know that. So, when we do get to see him, you need to give him some space and don’t ask him questions ok? Just let him know you’re happy he’s with us.”

  
“Because it makes your skin feel weird?” James asked, “When Da hurts you?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head and patting the top of his, “Let’s finish getting ready and head down.”

  
He nodded his head and I helped him with his tie and did the same for Mike and Matt again like I had the past two days and by the time I had finished my toast and jam I had to hurry to catch the bus, because Da and Ben didn’t want to drive me that day and Ben had woken me up later than usual.

  
Once all three of my brothers were on I sat down sliding into the seat next to James and felt someone tap me on the shoulder making me freeze, making me startle before James turned around and looked.

  
“Hi,” The kid said quietly.

  
“Who are you?” James asked.

  
“My name is Dom,” Dom said and I relaxed.

  
“You just scared the crap out of me,” I said before turning around to face him.

  
“Sorry,” He said smiling sheepishly, “I haven’t seen you ride the bus before so I was just wondering what was up.”

  
“Da decided not to drive us today,” I answered, “How are you doing?”

  
“You do realize you’re on the early bus with them, right?” He asked me.

  
“Really?” I sighed.

  
“Yeah, the lower school bus doesn’t come by for another hour and yours isn’t for another half hour,” Dom said, “Don’t worry though I’ll keep an eye for you.”

  
“Thanks, what should I do with them?” I asked him.

  
“Take them to the playground man,” Dom said, “It won’t hurt anything and the day care kids are already out there.”

  
“Cool,” I sighed leaning back looking up at him over the back of the seat.

  
“Hey,” an older kid said to me that was sitting across the aisle from us.

  
“Hi,” I said and Dom cleared his throat getting my attention back.

  
“It’s fine though seriously just like take them to the playground but next time just remember to take the middle school bus instead of the upper school. It makes more sense that way,” He said.

  
“Thanks,” I said, “I was distracted the morning just kind of you know.”

  
“Yeah, I think I understand you’re meaning,” He said as the bus pulled up to the curve and everyone climbed off.

  
I did as Dom suggested and took them to the playground. They were very happy about it running around and jumping James asking for my help using the Monkey bars which I showed him how to use by pulling myself across them.

  
“That looks hard,” James said.

  
“It’s not hard, not really you just need to swing the right way,” I said as he climbed up and grabbed ahold of the first bar, “Here I’ll hold your waist and you just swing your arms ready and go…”

  
I held on to him as he let go of the bar with one hand and swung himself forward grabbing the bar in front of him, “there you go you’ve got it.” I said smiling up at him as he continued to progress across the monkey bars using his hands and body to propel us forward onto a platform on the other side.

  
Just then I heard a sound and bunch of kids around James and Mike and Matt’s age came out of the back door of the lower school wing. There were three teachers there two of them were older men one was bald while the other had salt and pepper hair and a pale white complexion. I wasn’t sure what to make of either of them but with them the third guy had a complexion that was kind of tan and he looked young. Younger than my Da so probably around the same age as my uncle who at the time was 24 years old. His eyes were almost an olive green more green than brown and he had black hair. I remember thinking that he didn’t look like the other teachers. That he didn’t look Hispanic or White which was the case with most of the teachers in our school but something else.

  
He didn’t look like a creep but there was something off about him and the way he focused on the children playing. The boys running around and being boys that struck me as off. As someone I needed to be careful about especially around my little brothers. I felt someone pull on my blazer sleeve.

  
“What are you looking at?” James asked as I turned to look at him.

  
“Nothing Bud, it’s fine,” I said.

  
“That’s my teacher,” He pointed at the three men but didn’t specify which one.

  
“Which one?” I asked.

  
“The Fat bald one,” James answered simply.

  
“Ok first that’s rude and second, he has a name I do believe, right?” I asked him.

  
“Yes, Father Carrington,” James said.

  
“Is he a good teacher?” I asked him.

  
“He’s weird,” James said.

  
“Weird how?” I asked frowning down at him touching the top of his golden head.

  
“He picks a boy to sit in his lap turning story time every day to help him turn the pages,” James answered.

  
“Oh,” I answered simple.

  
“Has he picked you?” I asked him.

  
“Not yet,” He answered.

  
“What do you think of sitting in his lap?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t want to. You said Uncle Ben is bad and weird because he likes to touch you so I don’t think Da is telling the truth when he says love kisses are ok,” James said, “So I thought I would ask you if it would be ok for me to sit in his lap during story time.”

  
“I think if you want to it would probably be ok. But, if the idea makes you feel uncomfortable or the way he touches you makes you feel uncomfortable I think it’s perfectly ok for you to say no too,” I answered him.

  
“Ok,” he said.

  
“That answers your questions?” I asked him.

  
Just then a little boy with Brown hair came up to us, “James want to play tag with us?” He asked.

  
“Hold on,” He said, “Can I go play with Robby?” He asked me.

  
“Of course, you can,” I said smiling, “Go on, I have to leave for class soon anyway.”

  
I walked away from them. Walking past the fathers as I went just as I had gotten past one of them I heard one of them call after me, “Young man aren’t you a little old to be out here?”

  
“We took the upper school bus on accident,” I said turning around respectfully to address them, “It was just my brothers and I when we got here and I didn’t want to leave them outside alone.”

  
“You’re a good big brother,” The younger father smiled at me, “You should try to take your bus if you’re the one in charge in the morning. Remember you’re bus leaves at 7am not 6:30.”

  
“Yes father, I thought it was the 7am bus because I was distracted the morning,” I answered, “I should leave for class father.”

  
“You are right, I won’t keep you,” He said, “I’m Father Akil and you are?”

  
“Will McGregor,” I answered.

  
“Well go off to class Mr. McGregor,” He said smiling at me as I gave him a small wave before turning and continuing on my way.

  
When I got to class I sat down and Teddy sat down next to me, “So are you ready for my party in two days?”

“Yes, I think so,” I answered, “I feel tired today."

  
“Bad night?” He asked me softly.

  
“Not the worst,” I answered glancing over at him without turning my head, “Why?”

  
“Would explain why you feel tired,” Teddy said, “There’s nothing wrong with having a bad night. I get night terrors sometimes.”

  
“I couldn’t get to sleep last night. It took a long time I feel like I haven’t slept at all,” I answered Ted.

  
“Why did he…?” Ted said dropping the volume of his voice so low I could barely hear it.

  
“No. He made me share his bed though,” I said just thinking the words making my palms sweaty with nerves and anxiety.

  
“Like sleep with him? I mean actually sleep?” Ted asked frowning at me like he was more confused with the concept than anything.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “I couldn’t…I was afraid he would…you know.”

  
“My Dad never did that when he was around. My Grandpas did when I was little sometimes but, that was before they started being weird,” Ted answered, “What was it like?”

  
“Scary,” I answered, “He held me and I was so scared to just breathe because I was afraid if he woke up he would want to…do that.”

  
“Well honestly I’ve never known your uncle to be a cuddly person,” Ted whispered to me, “So the whole idea of him making you kind of just throws me.”

  
“Oh,” I said feeling my face start to flush.

  
So, had I given something away? Was my uncle telling the truth when he said I was special? I wasn’t sure what to make of that.

  
“Mr. McGregor, can you tell what you find so mortifying about photosynthesis?” Father Barney said making the class snicker at me as my face turned even redder, “Or were you having a personal conversation?”

  
“Sorry sir,” I muttered.

  
“See me after the break bell,” He said before continuing on with his lecture about plant reproduction.

  
When the bell rang, I sighed heavily not sure what to expect, not sure whether I was going to be yelled at or made fun of as he motioned for me to come up to his desk. He was always watching me. I knew he was always watching me and that the school was full of brotherhood but that didn’t mean he was one of them even though I suspected he probably was.

  
“Listen I know you’re new, that things are new for you being as young as you are but, don’t talk about that in class. Ted, Mr. Larkin he tends to forget when is not a correct time to discuss those things. You’re smart. You’re extremely smart I expect you to conduct yourself in an intelligent way all, right?” Father Barney said.

  
“Sorry, he …asked me something,” I said.

  
“Well, whatever goes on between your Uncle and you is between you two. You shouldn’t be talking about it with friends. If you have questions about certain activities, you should go to your contract holder with that not your friends understand me?” He said.

  
For a minute, I wasn’t sure how to respond. So, he was one of them. His language making it very obvious. Key words like “between you two” and “contract holder” making sure there was no way I could misunderstand him.

  
“Yes sir,” I said quietly.

  
So, he didn’t want us talking about it to each other. The guys had told me that I should talk about it. That talking about it helped and I had to admit that it helped me not think about it and focus better on other things like taking care of my brothers and school work after I told someone about an incident that was bothering me or mentioned it to someone and they said they had experienced it that too. That this time with Ted was one of the only times I had felt anxious or embarrassed when speaking about it with someone.

  
I actually felt comfortable about people for the first time in my life instead of an outsider looking and here Father Barney was telling me that wasn’t acceptable. That I had to pull back. That I wasn’t allowed to talk about him. About what he did when I needed to talk to those people in order to feel ok with myself. In order to be able to stand myself. Sure, I was quiet and awkward and unsure but I remember feeling almost crushed having him tell me that. That I shouldn’t tell anyone. Not even my friends that already knew what was happening.

  
When lunch came, I was silent. Everyone noticed I was silent but I wasn’t sure what to say to them and Finn sighed after a while grabbing my arm and pulling me away from everyone else. Starling me.

  
“Let me go Finn,” I said feeling myself starting to freak out, the anxiety starting to climb up my spine threatening to floor my brain.

  
“I’m not going to hurt I just want to talk,” He said letting go of my arm after we were far enough away from everyone no one could over hear, “What’s going on Ted said you had a hard time last night and then after like first hour you just shut down. Was it something he said?”

  
“No,” I shook my head, “It’s something else.”

  
“What?” Finn asked, “You don’t have to do this alone. Talk to us we know exactly how you feel. Keeping it all inside that will kill you faster than anything else. Faster than even they can. What’s going on?”

  
“Father Barney said that I…” Finn cut me off scowling and shaking his head.

  
“Father Barney is an asshole. He’s afraid of outsiders over hearing and afraid of us getting close. They don’t want us to have friends so we have to break the rules. In order to not lose our minds, we have to break the rules just don’t talk about it in class anymore. You know Ted is an internal blond. He doesn’t always use common sense,” Finn said, “So what’s going on really? Tell me.”

  
“Ted said he’d never heard of my uncle cuddling or making anyone cuddle with him yet he…he made me sleep with him last night and I don’t know if that’s...did I do something different?” I asked feeling nervous just asking the question.

  
“Ok from what I understand some handlers will do anything that moves and others just like have a type. Your uncle maybe he’s a little of both? He’s made just about everyone do stuff with him at one time or another but I’ve never heard of him doing that with anyone. So maybe you’re just his type and everyone else is…there?” Finn said, “I wouldn’t sweat it. I don’t think it’s you. I think it’s him. Your uncle I mean.”

  
“He keeps telling me to relax,” I said suddenly, “That I’ll get used to it.”

  
“You will,” Finn said smiling sadly, “It won’t hurt as much but usually once you get used to it like you can block it out they change things around. How do you act when he…?”

  
“I freeze,” I said feeling self-conscious about it, “I don’t know what to do so I freeze because I don’t want him to but I can’t say no. He’s made it very clear I can’t do anything that he doesn’t want me to. He hurt me really bad for going for a walk without asking him first. If I tried to push him away what would happen? I don’t know and I have three little brothers I have to take care of I can’t afford to be hurt like that. So, I freeze.”

  
“If I were you, try to not freeze. Try to move your feet or something tap out a pattern or wiggle your toes a certain way to draw your attention that way you can be kind of present but not focused on what he’s doing. It helps me when I do that,” Finn told me.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Da told him to give me a break.”

  
“Good, enjoy it because sometimes they get relentless,” Finn warned me, “They aren’t nice at all about things. My Dad he…one of us is in his bedroom every night if it’s not me it’s my older brother.”

  
“I’m sorry,” I said.

  
“Don’t worry about it,” He said, “Sometimes if I lose my eyes depending on what he’s doing I can pretend it’s this girl I like. It makes it easier to deal with.”

  
I nodded my head thinking about that. There weren’t any girls I liked that I knew of. I hadn’t even met any girls. Ben had pointed out that the fact I found some boys cute wasn’t a secret. That he had seen me watching TV intently enough sometimes to tell. Or that he had probably seen me checking out that one boy at the airport as he walked by.

  
He had been older than me, older than John. Dirty blond hair that was just above his shoulder pulled back in a ponytail with grey eyes. He had been wearing some weird type of button up sweater over a plain white t-shirt with dark blue jeans and clean tennis shoes a pair of sun glasses perched on top of his head. For some reason, something about him, the way he carried himself had really caught my attention and I had thought he was pretty, the slope of his nose, the shape of his lips. Uncle Ben must have seen me watching him. Seen the confusion in my face before we had exited the airport to get into the car.

  
“Try it, it might work,” Finn asked.

  
“What if I don’t like anyone?” I asked.

  
“Well make someone up. Some celebrity or something,” Finn answered, “I mean there are plenty of hot girls I mean Katie Holmes is a little old for you but nothing wrong with fantasy.”

  
“She’s not that cute Joshua Jackson is cuter,” I said before I felt my face turning red.

  
“Well then,” Finn said smirking, “Imagine it’s him. Whatever works for you.”

  
“You don’t think that’s weird? That I…?” I trailed off feeling mortified that I had actually said that out loud when I hadn’t meant to.

  
“I think it’s weird that you’re 10 and you think that way but, nothing wrong with it,” Finn said, “I mean my Dad kind of… sucks my…so who am I to say that being attracted to other guys is wrong? Apparently, it happens.”

  
I just nodded my head. So, he thought I was weird. Because I was 10. Because I was young but not because I was gay or might be gay.

  
“Are you going to tell anyone?” I asked him.

  
“No,” Finn shook his head, “It’s no one’s business but yours. You want to tell someone, tell them. You want to keep it to yourself that’s ok too. I don’t mind either way. You’re a cool guy.”

  
“Thanks,” I said quietly and he nodded his head.

  
“It’s not like you would be the only gay guy to come out of the brotherhood there a plenty of gay bottoms. Cole Gables is gay and you seem to know him,” Finn pointed out.

  
“Yeah, he told me he was,” I answered, “I thought it was weird.”

  
“Why?” Finn asked.

  
“Well what if I’m like that because of…them?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t think it works that way. But if it does don’t worry about it. You wouldn’t be the first and you won’t be the last. But why do you think that would make you well, gay?” Finn asked me.

  
“My Da started being weird when I was little. I think he started before I can remember. Because he always came into my room at night and touched me.” I said.

  
“How little is little?” Finn asked me quietly his eyes growing sad.

  
“I don’t know like the first time I remember anything, him doing anything to me I was so tiny I was in a toddler bed. Mum had just decided that I was old enough to leave the nursey so I wasn’t sharing a room with John or Mike and Matt, two of my younger brothers. He came in and he took off my pants and…”

  
“Woah, ok,” Finn said stopping me, “You don’t need to tell me that I get the picture. So, you think you were what three or four?”

  
“Yeah, I think so,” I answered.

  
“Usually they don’t start doing that stuff in the brotherhood until your about six at the earliest,” Finn said, “I was six.”

  
“I didn’t even know about the brotherhood until we got here. So, I’m assuming he wasn’t a part of it back then,” I answered.

  
“Probably not. I mean since the new Leader came on things have been changing like it was some super super old guy that wasn’t interested in anyone under like 20 and he died of a heart attack fucking some 21-year-old but that was like 5 years ago. The new leader is one of Ted’s grandpa’s and he likes them young. Probably why Teddy is so fucked up,” Finn said.

  
“Cole said something about that” I said quietly, “It scares me.”

  
“Because of your brothers?” Finn asked me.

  
“The youngest one here with us is almost six and my youngest brother isn’t even born yet so yeah,” I answered.

  
“That’s not good,” Finn said.

  
“So, it’s that young when you say young? Six?” I asked.

  
“Well a lot of what we get are rumors so it might not be true but I’ve heard four and five too,” Finn said.

  
How could someone rape a five-year-old without ripping them apart? I remember thinking that as I felt like I had been socked in the stomach. Five was too little. Hell, I thought I was too young for Ben and I was five years older than that. The pain of da that first time when I was eight had me wanting to die, wishing I was dead and sore for a month. I had to throw away my bloody underwear for a week to hide it from the house head.

  
“He’s not touching my brother,” I said.

  
“He won’t unless your Da has,” Finn said his eyes widening as he looked at the expression on my face, “Well shit.”

  
“He can’t,” I shook my head, “He can’t.”

  
“You could always appeal to him because he will be at the party. He always goes to all of Teddy’s parties to watch us. I mean he doesn’t hurt us but he watches us.”

  
“Watches us how?” I asked.

  
“Just to see who he likes. Last year he… it was Todd and Dom he decided he liked them both and the next week come Monday they weren’t in school for a while. I’ve never asked Todd what happened but he doesn’t really talk to Dom that often anymore so I can only imagine that he made them…,” Finn make a rude gesture with his hand linking his index and thumb together to form a circle and then putting the index finger of his right hand through the loop.

  
“Ted said that they do that,” I said quietly.

  
“Well Ted would know he has an older brother Chuck,” Finn said, “Wal and I were I don’t know I was six or seven so Wal had of been ten or 11.”

  
“What? They made your brother…?” I felt like I was going to be sick.

  
“You have that green look to you,” Finn said smiling slightly.

  
“I don’t feel very good,” I muttered.

  
“I’d say so considering you look like you’re about to up chuck all over the place,” he laughed.

  
I responded by started to gag running over to the nearest trashcan and throwing up into it knowing I wouldn’t make it anywhere near a bathroom before I couldn’t hold the food in my stomach anymore Quinn coming over as Finn started coming over to me.

  
“Are you ok dude?” Quinn asked me as I wiped my mouth on my sleeve.

  
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I answered trying to shrug it off.

  
“What’s going on over here gentlemen? You look like you’re summoning the lord of darkness over the rubbish bin,” Someone said to which we all looked up and then looked at each other.

  
To give him credit I was bend over the trash can one hand on each side of it to steady myself and Quinn and Finn were standing on either side of me leaning in close so we could keep our voices low. Keep our conversation private. Finn cracked a smile and then looked up to address the speaker his face falling.

  
“That is not what’s happening Headmaster Watson,” Finn said.

  
I thought about it and then it hit me. The guy who gave us the tour of the school. The guy who Da had talked to about my Uncle about how I was his. How he had looked at me.

  
“Then what is going on here?” He asked.

  
“Will just threw up,” Quinn answered.

  
“Feeling sick Mr. McGregor? Maybe I should see you to the nurse’s office?” He asked me.

  
“I-I’m fine now,” I said looking at him and Finn must have caught the look on my face.

  
“You know how sometimes people just have a weak stomach headmaster? I think he’s just one of those. Milk one day over the expiration date and they just can’t hold it down,” Finn tried to excuse.

  
“Are you telling me our kitchen standards are lacking Mr. Huber?” The headmaster asked.

  
“No sir,” Finn said trying to recover from his mistake, “Just saying some people are peckish is all.”

  
“I think you should come with me all the same Mr. McGregor, let’s get you checked out, come along,” He said beckoning me towards him with a hand motion.

  
I sighed taking a reluctant step towards him, “I’m really fine now Headmaster,” I said quietly protesting not sure what was going to happen.

  
“I’m sure you probably are but all the same…” He trailed off.

  
I turned my gaze to my feet hugging myself as I walked forward. He was going to hurt me. I knew he was going to hurt me. I wasn’t stupid. He had asked my Da about it right in front of me. Once we were out in the semi empty hall way he put his arm on my shoulder.

  
“You’re ok,” He said, “We’ll just get you checked out, make sure everything is all right.”

  
I nodded my head feeling that frozen feeling starting somewhere in my chest and starting to spread out wards into my arms. I didn’t imagine going anywhere with him where my clothes might come off would result in anything good happening when he turned a corner where “medical office” was printed on a big wooden door in metallic block letters that he opened.

  
When we wondered inside there were two or three rooms each ajar off the bigger room we were now standing in. Each room appeared to have curtains and a small resting cot in the them while the wall to the right was lined with cabinets that looked to be full of medical supplies like gauze and bandages. He didn’t take his arm off my shoulder but instead lead me into the room on the right away from the door.

  
“Just wait in here I’ll be back,” He said to me pulling the curtain shut in the front of the door blocking everything outside the room from view. In the corner was a sink with a container of soap on the ledge of it and a small oval mirror hanging over the skin. Next to the sink was what looked like a moved gym locker that had blankets stacked from the bottom of it up about half way where it changed over to pillows. What was I doing here?

  
“Ok,” He said before pulling back the curtain causing me to jump my chest to pound against my ribs, “Don’t be scared you’re all right.”

  
I tried to inhale deeply as he opened the curtain shutting the actual door behind him but found it nearly impossible to breathe deeply. My body too afraid of what he was going to do. Too afraid of feeling his hands against my skin.

  
“Can you strip for me please?” He asked quietly.

  
“What?” I asked barely above a whisper completely confused. Why would he want me to be without my clothes? What was the point of that? Unless he really was…

  
“It’s ok William,” He said nodding his head in encouragement, “it’s just so I can check some things I’m not going to hurt you.”

  
“He always says that,” I murmured to myself. I thought I had said it quietly enough he couldn’t hear it but he sighed before saying.

  
“Well I’m sure it’s true. I’m sure it doesn’t physically hurt.”

  
I clasped my hands in my lap looking at them in a comprehensive manner. I didn’t want to see his eyes. See the way he was looking at me. Know what he was thinking. If the cot had been any higher off the ground my feet would have dangled off the side of it not being able to reach only the tips of my trainers brushing the ground lightly as it was.

  
I remember thinking how wrong that was. That I was so little my feet barely reached the ground while sitting on the edge of the cot and yet this guy. My headmaster the guy that was supposed to be responsible for me above anyone else when I was at school was probably looking at me like that. Like my Uncle did.

  
“Don’t worry,” He said coming and putting his hand back on my shoulder, “It’s just make sure you’re all right.”

  
He pulled the shoulders of my blazer down slowly as I went limp letting him take it off and then he sighed as he hung it up neatly on a coat rack next to the door. I wasn’t sure what he expected of me. What he wanted from me.

  
“Do you know what made you feel sick?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“You promise you weren’t summoning the lord of darkness?” He asked his voice sounding amused.

  
“I promise,” I answered, “I was sick. I didn’t feel good to my stomach. Finn said that…” I trailed off into silence.

  
“Said that what? You can talk to me. I know you’re father really well. We have lots of friends in common,” He said causing me to look up at him.

  
“I know. I heard you talking on the tour,” I answered him quietly.

  
“You know how this works then?” He asked me, “I talked to Ben already. He says you can be very well behaved.”

  
“What if I say no? Are you going to hurt me?” I asked him.

  
“Not physically,” He answered, “However I can’t promise your grades won’t suffer considering I review every students marks at the end of the marking period. So, that’s something you might want to think about. Even though if you did fail I suppose it would only put you in the grade you’re supposed to be in for next year.”

  
“W-what am I doing?” I asked him.

  
“Just take off your clothes,” He said his eyes softening a little at my nervousness.

  
“Why?” I asked quietly.

  
“Just to look at you. Make sure you’re ok,” He said.

  
I crossed my arms over my chest. I didn’t want to do that. Everyone had made it sound like this would happen. That eventually someone else would touch me like they did but, I wasn’t expecting it to happen today. Not right now in the middle of the school day.

  
“It’s ok,” Headmaster Watson assured me, “It’s just to take a look.”

  
My hands were trembling so badly I could barely undo my tie and he sighed heavily. I wasn’t sure if he was angry or not. If he was going to hurt me or not but he didn’t seem happy about my pace.

  
“Here, let me,” He said quickly undoing my tie before pulling off my vest and undoing the buttons on my oxford. He even pulled my under shirt off quickly, stepping back and leaving me sitting on the cot everything from the waist up exposed.

  
I went to go cross my arms over my chest, noticing how he was looking at me, looking at the purple marks making a line down the center of my chest past the waist of my khakis. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me. Like Uncle Ben looked at me when he said he wanted to go slow. To make me feel good.

  
“Your skin must taste good,” He mumbled licking his lips as he grabbed a stethoscope from a hook on the wall, “Breathe in nice and deep and then breathe out.”

  
I did I was told his fingers tickling above me waist band making me squirm making me that much more nervous.

  
“Ok, now take off your pants,” He said suddenly getting up and putting the stethoscope away grabbing something else out of the cabinet that I couldn’t see.

  
“Why?” I asked quietly almost afraid of what he would say.

  
“I have to check your stomach,” he answered, “So just take off your pants and I’ll press on your belly to check for bloating.”

  
I sighed heavily getting more and more uncomfortable with each second that ticked by but still comforted by the fact that he hadn’t told me to remove my underwear. He motioned for me to lay back on the cot and I did as he stared down at me for a second cocking his head to the side like he was thinking about something before he starting running his hands through my hair making me nervous.

  
“Ok now I just need you to relax and try and be as calm as possible, I’m going to press on your tummy and you tell me if it hurts,” He said barely above a whisper and I nodded my head to show I understood.

  
He started pressing on my abdomen slowly above my belly button going from my left to my right working his way down until he got to the waistband of underwear and then he went to roll it over pulling it below my hips.

  
“Stop,” I said trying to sit up.

  
“Now now, be good,” He said quietly as I felt the cold creeping back up my spine as he rolled them down farther until finally they were rolled down to my thighs exposing me completely making it hard to breathe, “Just close your eyes.” He said making me gulp.

  
No one but Da and Ben had ever done that before. Touched me like that and I was scared. I wasn’t sure what to do so I just froze. His hands rubbing my shoulders first and then down my chest to my stomach and then finally he palmed my small penis in his hand making my eyes snap open.

  
“Stop,” I asked him again.

  
“It’s ok, it’s just a massage,” He told me, “Just a massage, that’s all.” He said as his hand continued to move down my body all the way to my feet rubbing my skin slowly making my heart pound against the wall of my chest.

  
I had never had a massage before. I just knew it felt wrong. That I didn’t like it, that it was too much like Da when he came to me when I was a little boy. Too much like Ben. I was trying so hard not to shake, not to show him how scared I was. As I grabbed at the thin padding underneath me with my hands by my sides squeezing it hoping he was almost done. That he was going to stop soon.

  
“Your chest is heaving? Are you having trouble breathing?” He asked as he stopped messing with my foot.

  
I nodded my head. I didn’t want to say anything because I was on the verge of tears. Because I was scared of making him mad, of him touching me there again. He sighed patting my knee sympathetically.

  
“I bet this feels weird, doesn’t it? It’s ok that it feels weird. There’s nothing wrong with this ok? You want to lay on your belly for me.

  
I sighed edger to do so knowing that if I was on my stomach he couldn’t play with my penis. That he couldn’t really touch me there. Not if I was laying on it so I rolled over onto my belly gladly.

  
He made a sound like a gasp, a sound of awe as he barely touched my shoulders and back before his hands went to my ass cheeks and started messing with them kneading them with his fingers in slow circles.

  
“Beautiful,” I heard him barely mutter, “Just…” he trailed off and then I felt his breath on the base of my spine.

  
“No, please,” I told him shutting my eyes and gripping the sides of the pad under me once again.

  
“It’s ok. It won’t hurt I’m sure,” He said and then I heard him open something before I felt cold slick fingers near my hole causing me to tense up.

  
I wasn’t sure what he was going to do. If he was going to use his fingers in there for more than a second of if he was going to stick his dick in me or what but I was beyond terrified and I felt like I was choking on air not sure what was happening wishing I hadn’t been so stupid as to just roll over. He started rubbing the cold lube up against my entrance slowly his fingers teasing in just barely before coming back out repeatedly.

  
“You have a very nice bottom,” He muttered to me, “now normally I would probably wait until you were a bit more accumulated to your body before I did this but, I know your uncle has probably already shown you some things so I’m sure this won’t be an issue for you. I just need you to take a deep breath and relax for me and it will all be over before you know it.”

  
Of course, I couldn’t relax as I felt his weight shift leaning more over top of me, over top of the small cot I was on. I was convinced he was going to rape me. And then I felt the same weird wet feeling that had happened when my Da and uncle had done things to me together. The light lapping at my tail bone before his tongue trailed lower drawing a circle around my pucker as he used his hands to spread open my cheeks.

  
I gasped as he licked me. The sensation making me shudder because it didn’t hurt but it felt weird, invading. I wanted him to stop. To change his mind and stop as I started to hyperventilate under him gripping so hard to the pad that my hands hurt digging my nails into it as I started to cry silently.

  
“You’re squirming, calm down, take a breath,” He said stopping briefly his hand rubbing up and down the small of my back gently like he was trying to sooth me, “you’re ok.”

  
“I don’t w-want to,” I squeaked.

  
“I know but you’re ok and think of what good grades you’ll have for the rest of the marking period huh? And all you have to do is lay here for a little bit longer ok?” He said quietly like I was an infant he was trying to keep from crying.

  
I tried to relax myself. To just breathe but when he went back he didn’t even circle his tongue around me gently but forced it right into my hole making me scream loudly out of surprise and fear him not stopping but slapping a hand over my mouth as he nibbled and licked at my hole twisting his tongue inside of me.

  
By the time, he was done the outside felt swollen like it had been sucked on too much, like it was going to bruise because he had been too edger too rough. I felt dirty. Used.

  
“Your Da was right you are a good boy. I got a little over excited but, you were well behaved,” He said running his hand through the back of my hair as I closed my eyes trying to hide the fact I was crying from him. That I wasn’t ok with what he had done.  
“Don’t act like you didn’t like. I’m sure it felt very good up until I got a little over excited and sucked too hard. I’ll make it up to you. Come over sometime and give other parts of you some attention.” He said before he kissed me in between my shoulders blades and got off the stool he had been sitting on in order to bend over me.

  
“I’ll leave you to collect yourself and get dressed. I’m sure Father Caraway will be in to check on you in a little bit. Make sure you are good to go back to class and give you hall pass,” He said patting the back of my knee.

  
I didn’t move for a while. Even after I heard the door quietly close it took me a couple of minutes to stop shaking enough to trust myself to move. When I did manage to move, I curled myself into a ball and bit my knee cap to keep from screaming my insides still feeling slightly sticky and slimy from what he had done to me.

  
I cried there silently until I heard quiet voices outside in the main room through the door pulling my underwear back up my thighs putting them back into place just as the door opened and I managed to sit up.

  
“Oh! I didn’t realize anyone had brought a student in here,” A voice said before I heard.

  
“Will?” and looked up.

  
It was Cole his eyes full of concern as he took in my swollen face and blood shot eyes. He knew what had happened. That someone had assaulted me and he looked between me and who I assumed was Father Caraway before he spoke up.

  
“Father? Can you give me a minute with him?” Cole asked uncertain.

  
“If it will calm him down. Do you think it will?” He asked Cole.

  
“Yes father,” Cole said nodding his head.

  
“All right, I’ll pull the curtain. Five minutes,” Father Caraway answered before walking away as he pulled the curtain in the room closed.

  
“What happened?” He whispered quietly sitting down on the stool Headmaster Watson had been using while he rimmed me.

  
“Father…Headmaster…he…I…I…I…got s-sick at lunch and he…” I started crying again putting my hand over my mouth in case I sobbed out right.

  
“Oh geeze,” Cole said running a hand through his hair, “You said your Uncle and Da do this right? Have they ever …let anyone else?” he coaxed.

  
All I could do was shake my head afraid if I removed my hand I would scream. I was used to it from them. From my Da and Uncle. Getting more and more desensitized to it as time went on but I had never experienced anyone else doing it. The way his hands had felt the same but different calloused slightly. Working hands, not like my Da’s or my Uncles. Hard hands with a gentle touch.

  
“It’s over now,” Cole said to me quietly patting the top of my hand probably afraid to touch me more than that, “It’s over now.”

  
“I…I…I dididn’t w-want…” Cole cut me off.

  
“I know you didn’t. It’s ok though he’s done now, it’s over. Fucking…,” I heard Cole muttered before he inhaled sharply turning away from me.

  
After a few minutes of silence, I managed to quit crying enough I could actually speak, “I thought he was going to…lick my…so I turned over and laid on my belly and then I thought maybe he was going to stick …but he didn’t,” I mumbled not sure if I made sense.

  
I heard Cole sniff before he turned around his eyes red, “Yeah, yeah he…he does that.” He said quietly.

  
“My Da has done that before,” I said quietly, “It mostly hurt though. Not like this time.”

  
“Honestly, I always feel like he’s trying to suck my intestines out of my ass hole,” Cole said and we both smiled a little and I nodded my head in agreement, “Well at least I could make you smile.”

  
“It was just, weird,” I said turning serious again, “He said he would fail me if I didn’t let him.”

  
“I’m sure he did. You’re exactly his type of not a little younger than he usually goes,” Cole said quietly.

  
“His type?” I asked.

  
“Blond, thin, pale,” Cole answered.

  
“Like you,” I said realizing what he was saying, what all of his comments had meant.

  
Cole avoided my gaze and nodded his head, “Like I know I’m…gay but that doesn’t mean…I’d rather take my Dad holding me down by my neck as he fucks me or Hank beating me with his belt and shoving a vibrator up my ass while he calls me a slut and sucks me off than…than what Barry does.”

  
“Barry?” I asked quietly.

  
“Headmaster Watson,” He clarified.

  
“You should…get some clothes on before he comes back,” Cole said pointing out that I was just in my underwear.

  
I blushed realizing it, “Oh yeah…s-s-sorry,” I mumbled as Cole handed me my shirt, “Why are you here anyway?”

  
“Oh, I had a headache I’m coming off some blow,” Cole said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Cocaine?” I asked.

  
“Yeah,” He said smiling slightly, “It’s really not a big deal trust me. It just helps keep me awake.”

  
“You have long nights too?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” He said nodding his head, “My Dad has this guy he hangs with. Hank, they …well Hanks son isn’t around right now so they…”

  
I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

  
“Me too if I’m on coke though it doesn’t really matter. Even though I think like every person who taps me on the shoulder wants to fuck me but I just have to try and remind myself that’s the paranoia,” Cole said.

  
“It’s bad for you, you know?”

  
“You don’t need to tell me that I know. Life is pretty bad for me though so what’s a little blow to help soften it?”

  
“It could kill you. Give you a heart attack,” I said as he handed me my undershirt.

  
Cole shrugged his shoulders, “They could kill me anytime they want to so I don’t see what the difference is, waiting for them to do it or accidentally taking one too many hits.”

  
“It scares me. All of this,” I said.

  
“Well, it’s pretty damn scary for someone who isn’t used to it. You’re first couple times with someone else will make you feel like…well like you do right now. Violated, terrified, sick. But after a while it gets easier. You still have those feelings but you can push them away easier and handle them when you’re alone where no one can see. Like you probably already do with your Da and Uncle at home.” Cole said as I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my shoulders starting to button it back up.

  
There was a quiet knock on the door before Father Caraway opened it and stuck his head in, “Pain medication for your headache Mr. Gables,” He said handing Cole a tiny clear plastic cup in one hand and Styrofoam cup in the other.

  
“Thank you. Is it ok if I sit around for a while and talk to him?” Cole asked.

  
“Depends should I be making an incident report?” Father Caraway asked raising an eyebrow at him.

  
“A what?” I asked pulling my sweater vest over my head as Cole handed it to me.

  
“It basically means that Watson or one of the other teachers did something to you. Something bad and so you ended up here,” Cole said softly.

  
“Oh,” I said.

  
I didn’t want to talk about that. I didn’t want to have to sit there and tell some guy in detail that my headmaster had tongued my asshole. That he had taken me away from Lunch just so he could bring me here and force me to take off my clothes and then do things to me. Things that I didn’t want.

  
“I’m assuming I do and that’s what you were discussing,” Father Caraway said, “That and maybe you were letting him in that most of those reports are filed with the initials C.G under pupil?”

  
“Huh…” Cole said, “I don’t think he’s ready to talk about that Father. With all due respect.”

  
“Boys,” Father Caraway said his brow wrinkling, “It’s better to get it taken down while it’s still fresh in your minds. The more reports I can file the more likely Father Dunbee and I are going to be successful at getting these horrible men out of our parish. You understand what I’m saying?”

  
“You want to know really father?” I sighed, “I got sick to my stomach because one of my classmates was talking about how there is this one guy they know that would want to have intercourse with a five-year-old I have a little brother who is five years old and it scared me and made me feel nausea so I ended up barfing into the rubbish bin in the lunch room. Headmaster Watson saw this and told me he wanted to make sure I wasn’t ill so he brought me here where he shut the door and told me to take off my shirt. I did as I was told and he listened to my breathing and heart beat and then he told me to take off my pants and lay down so he could press on my stomach to feel for bloating. He rolled my underpants down my legs and started rubbing my shoulders and then my chest until he finally made it to my private area…”

  
By this point I was shaking with embarrassment and anger at having to tell him. At having to explain the experience to this guy I barely knew so he could write it down for someone else. So he could show it to someone else.

  
“He rubbed down my legs and told me to turn over. And I was just happy he didn’t want to touch my crotch anymore. I thought he was just going to rub my back and shoulders but his hands went right to my bum. Where he then licked, and nibbled and sucked before his stuck his tongue in there,” I said angry tears starting, “I didn’t want it. It didn’t feel good and it was scary ok? Is that good enough for you? Can I be done now?”

  
Father Caraway nodded his head, “I understand why you’re upset I know that was difficult. But you did well. I will go write it down.” He said as he quickly left the room.

  
“That sounds like father Watson,” Cole commented, “Are you going to be ok. I know it’s hard to …talk about especially right after it happens.”

  
“I actually feel a little better about it. Knowing I’m not the only one and that someone is trying to get rid of them,” I answered.

  
“They’ve been trying to get rid of him for at least two years. I don’t think he’s going anywhere anytime soon,” Cole said to me, “That’s really what made you sick though? Someone talking about that?”

  
“Yes,” I answered, “I can’t imagine anyone wanting to…not to Jay. I nearly died when…” I bit back a sob.

  
No one else had seen it but me and Da. Heard his pleas and whimpers begging Da to stop. Telling him it hurt. Calling him Daddy. No one else had seen the blood, his blood on my Da as he pulled out leaving him there to curl up in a ball and cry himself to sleep.

  
“Nearly died when what?” Cole asked me softly.

  
“I walked in on it. My Da with…with him,” I answered.

  
“Oh shit,” Cole muttered barely audible, “What did you do?”

  
Cole frowned at me a frown that looked like it was hiding its own tears. Its own worries. That it was sharing my pain even if it wasn’t seeing the same flash of memory.

  
“I took off my shirt, I told him… not James.”

  
“So, he came to you instead?” Cole asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“Better than him,” I answered, “I hate it but it’s better me than him.”

  
“I can understand that and I don’t have a little brother to protect,” Cole said, “How has he been since?”

  
“It took a little bit. But I think he’s ok. He has a lot questions about when they…do things to me. He asks me all the time sometimes like a couple days in between if it hurts. If it feels funny. If they…shit…if they touch me there, or kiss me in different places. That type of stuff but otherwise he seems ok.” I answered.

  
“They do a lot of brain washing so I think he’s just trying to make sense of what the truth is. I don’t think he’s doing it to upset you but because he’s confused,” Cole said after chewing on the right side of his bottom lip lightly for a minute.

  
“No, I know. It just…it’s weird but they don’t have anyone else to answer or tell them different from what Da and Ben say if I don’t. I wish things were more normal but I know me pretending it’s not happening or me pretending it’s normal doesn’t change anything so I try to answer their questions. I really do it’s just hard. It’s hard when I hear my Da say that it’s ok to tongue kiss your son because those are “love kisses” that’s how Da’s who really love their sons kiss them,” I said wiping at my eyes quickly as Cole smiled at me sadly and handed me my tie.

  
“I can see how that would be hard. Where is your older brother? You did say you had an older brother, right?” Cole asked me.

  
“Da’s keeping him away from everyone. I think he’s got him chained up in his room that he’s just…” I trailed off shrugging my shoulders.

  
“They do that sometimes. Last summer I got caught smoking pot, remember last summer I was only 13 and I spent three weeks chained to a bed at the villa. I wasn’t even allowed to get up to us the bathroom. I had to use a bed pan. Anyone who wanted to was allowed to…do things to me. It was the most relentless they had been a in while and it’s been easier since. Down to like twice a week or so I usually go the Villa on Saturdays and it’s like five to ten guys so it’s not too bad. At least it’s not marathons or 5 to 10 guys every day,” Cole said.

  
“Every day after school. Sometimes after dinner too and he’s…he tries to make it happen at least twice,” I said, “It hurts sometimes.”

  
“It?” Cole asked confused.

  
“Make me uhhh…” I swallowed the lump in my throat, “You know.”

  
“Oh,” Cole said his face turning pink along the bridge of his nose and cheeks, “I thought you were still too young for that.”

  
“It’s new,” I said not able to look at him.

  
“Well, that’s hard. And yeah it would hurt because he’s probably pushing you until you’re having dry orgasms and those feel good but don’t all at once. Coupled with the fact you don’t want it to begin with I do imagine that would be painful. Tell him he’s hurting. Maybe he’ll let up a little bit. Go easy on you for a while,” Cole suggested.

  
“My Da keeps telling him to give me breaks. Because I get sore. So, he’ll stop doing certain things for a day or two and then it’ll happen again. I’ve only been here like three weeks now and it’s horrible.”

  
“They’ll get bored and slow down,” Cole assured me, “They do after a while.”

  
“I hope so,” I said quietly, “It hurts to walk it feels like a really bad rug burn in my butthole,” I muttered.

  
“Honestly I would let him know how much pain you’re in. If you’re afraid to let him know tell your Da and see what he says. Because he’s the one who has the last say,” Cole told me and I nodded my head.

  
It sucked feeling raw in there. It hurt to do anything even go to the bathroom and made me afraid I would start bleeding. That was probably why Da kept telling him to go easy on me, to give me breaks of some kind because he understood it was hard on my body me being so young.

  
“I’ll see what they say I guess,” I answered quietly.

  
“I would you might be surprised,” Cole said, “Are you going to Teddy’s party?”

  
“How do you know about Teddy’s party?” I asked confused considering Cole was slightly older than I was which meant he was slightly older than Teddy.

  
“Well mostly it’s chance for them to check out students, the fathers I mean,” Cole said, “I mean they wouldn’t hurt you while you’re there but I was just curious to see if you were actually going to go.”

  
“I think I am,” I answered, “Ben wants me to go so…” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“I’ll see you there then,” He said as he stood up, “You should get back to class if you feel ok. I mean there’s an hour left for you.”

  
“Are you going back to class?” I asked him.

  
“No, we get out at 2,” He told me, “You guys are out at 3 and the kids are out at what 3:30?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  
“Yep, see you,” He said as I got up and walked out.

  
Father Caraway didn’t try to stop me. Or ask me anymore questions as I quietly left the nurses office and made me way to class. And I didn’t get in trouble at all for being late or not having a pass which I thought was odd but I wasn’t going to complain about it. I just wanted to go home. To take a shower and help my brothers with their homework. Find the time and energy to focus on something else.


	15. Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben reveals some of his past to Will and why he has made specific choices in his life. He asks Will what he remembers about being young. Will gets a warning from his friends as well as a phone call from mum. He also has a long talk with Matty about his odd behaviors and mannerisms trying to understand his younger brother better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 197 to 215 **Warnings:** Manipulation, talk of rape/non-con, sexual assault, child neglect, child abuse, mental health issues. I'm hoping that some of you will understand Matty a little bit better as well. It's not Matt's fault he is the way he is and circumstances are only making it worse. He has a hard time relating to people anyway. As time goes on you will be able to see more behaviors that will help point you in the direction of his problem. Eventually I will be working on doing something from Matt's POV but I don't think it's going to start in the same spot as the Time line that Will and John start in but a couple years later around the time him and Mike are 11 or 12 while touching briefly on the time period we are now looking at but, that's not going to be for a while.

I rode the bus home. I found myself sitting on my own people leaving me alone and I finally felt like I was able to breathe like getting out of that school had allowed me to breathe up until the bus allowed me off at the end of our gated drive way.  
I didn’t want to go inside so I pulled my work book out and sat in the grass next to the mailbox working on the bit of homework I did have. I desperately wanted a shower but, I wasn’t ready to go in. To go and deal with him yet. With Ben.

  
I knew I was supposed to but, I couldn’t. I couldn’t deal with what he wanted to do to me at that moment so I waited doing my homework in the grass until the lower school bus pulled up at the end of the drive as well my little brothers stepping out Jay raising his eyebrows in confusion at me when he noticed where I was. Causing me to smile.

  
“You do realize we weren’t going to get lost, right?” Matt asked me.

  
“No, you don’t say?” I shook my head standing up, “Am I not allowed to wait for my brothers?”

  
“In the grass is kind of weird,” Matt said, “Were you hiding from him?”

  
“I huh…,” Shrugged my shoulders smiling at James patting the top of his head, “Did you learn anything good today bud?”

  
“Not really and the thing I told you he didn’t ask for me too. I’m glad because I think it’s weird,” He said.

  
“Good I’m glad,” I said as we started walking up the drive towards the house.

  
“I have a lot of math,” Mike sighed.

  
“Well, I can help with it,” I said.

  
“I know you’re like smart but John is better at math I wish John could help,” Mike answered me.

  
“Well maybe you should ask Da if he can come down and help you,” I mentioned, “I think it would be a good idea.”

  
“Da’s keeping him because he likes giving him special kisses all the time and he doesn’t want us to see you know that, right?” Matt asked me causing me to stop and look at him.

  
“How do you know that?” I asked him.

  
I mean it was obvious that was what our Da was doing. We all knew it but for him to just outright say it like he was observing that it was a warm day was disconcerting. It seemed like everything Da told him he believed. I needed to find time to talk with him alone without Mike and James around to see what his mind set was. I sighed.

  
“Well, it makes sense. I mean Da always makes us shut the door when he makes us give each other those kisses,” he shrugged his shoulders, “So it makes sense right. He makes us touch our willies too.”

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head, “Mike, James you two go inside please, I need to talk with Matt for a while.”

  
“Is he in trouble?” Mike asked.

  
“No, not at all I just need to talk to him alone ok Mike? He’ll tell you what we talked about I’m sure,” I assured him.

  
“Ok, should I get started on my homework then?” Mike asked me.

  
“Yes please,” I answered, “Help each other ok?”

  
“Ok,” Mike said grabbing Jay’s tiny hand and pulling me away.

  
“Can you tell me why you like talking about it and what exactly Da has made you do?” I asked him.

  
“Da said it’s fine to talk about just not in public,” Matt answered, “He said we should talk about it because it will help us all bond. He’s had us touch each other’s willies and our own he even put his mouth on mine and told me I should pay attention so that I could teach Mike. It felt weird but it didn’t hurt like you guys make it seem like it would. It felt kind of good to be honest.”

  
“You thought it felt good?” I asked him.

  
When I was little I remembered, it confusing me, making me feel terrified afraid I was going to pee all over him and then he’d be mad and smack me or tear my penis off. Afraid that his touches even though they tingled were going to hurt at any second. How could he have thought it felt good?

  
“Yeah, I mean at first I thought it was weird but it wasn’t horrible,” He told me.

  
“You understand why it’s bad right?” I asked him.

  
“Da says it’s not bad,” He told me.

  
“While it is. We’re not supposed to…they aren’t supposed to because we’re related to each other by blood and it’s wrong ok? Did he tell you, you can’t touch yourself? That if you want to feel that you have to go to him, so he can do it?” I asked him.  
“Well yeah but he said everyone does that. Has their Da do that,” Matt told me.

  
“They don’t,” I said shaking my head, “It doesn’t make you feel sick to your tummy at all?”

  
“No, it makes it tickle but otherwise no,” Matt said, “Why?”

  
“Ok,” I said thinking about it. About what little I knew about psychology.

  
“Matt, do you ever get mad?” I asked him.

  
“All the time I hate it when people won’t move out of my way on the playground I think it’s dumb so I push them right? But then the teacher always sends me to the corner telling me I should think about what I did. They were the stupid head that wouldn’t get out of my way, Mike does it too. I love Mike I mean he’s my brother but sometimes he tells me stupid things and that annoys me too. Like he always asks questions like he asks if I like what Da does like you are right now or if I think it’s weird. Of course, I like it why wouldn’t I and why doesn’t he? I don’t know I think the whole thing is stupid to get sad about honestly.” Matt rambled on, “Can I go now?”

  
I wasn’t really sure what to say. So, he didn’t mind it, in fact he liked it and didn’t see anything wrong with it because Da was saying there wasn’t anything wrong with it. He apparently had discipline problems at school which I wasn’t aware of and found others people’s reactions to things stupid. It was very apparent to me his brain was wired very different from the usual persons.

  
“Matt, do you understand why you can’t push people at school?” I asked him.

  
“Because then I get put in a time out and it’s annoying,” he answered.

  
“No, because it’s mean. Because you have to wait your turn.” I corrected him.

  
“Why should I have to wait when they are the one being slow, why don’t they let the people who actually want to go down the slide or across the glide rope go first? It makes more sense to just let the person who will be quick go first,” He told me.

  
“You have to be nice to people,” I said, “But anyway I’ll have a very long talk with mum about it later.”

  
“I’m working on it ok? I try to pretend I’m nice and that’s why I have some friends but it’s hard sometimes. Mike has to remind me to be nice to be like him but people are annoying,” He told me.

  
“Ok well just keep working on it then,” I told him.

  
“Working on what?” Matt asked.

  
“Explaining why you should be nice to people,” I said.

  
“Oh, I know why, Mike says if you’re nice to people sometimes they do things for you,” Matt said turning and walking away leaving me standing there shaking my head.

  
He did have a point. If you are nice to people, they do sometimes do things for you to help you or benefit you. But you should really just want to be nice to people because it makes you feel good about yourself and it’s the right thing to do.

  
When I walked into the house after Matt both Da and Ben were sitting at the kitchen counter talking quietly and Ben smiled at me when I came in but he looked angry. I wasn’t sure what he had to be angry about but I didn’t want to get myself into worse trouble by doing something else I wasn’t supposed to.

  
“Where were you?” He asked me.

  
“Outside waiting for them,” I said quietly, “Was I supposed to come into the house right away?”

  
“You didn’t go for a walk again?” Ben asked me.

  
“No, I swear,” I said shaking my head.

  
“He was sitting by the mail box like he thought we were going to get lost if someone wasn’t there waiting for us. Mike told him we were big boys and we don’t need him to wait for us,” Jay said before going back to his work book.

  
Uncle Ben took a deep breath and I saw him starting to relax, the anger slowly leaving his body as he looked at me. He was really that upset with the idea that I would go for a walk without asking? That I would leave the house without asking for permission?

  
“Why did you decide to wait outside for them?” He asked me.

  
“Well they’ve never ridden the bus home before,” I said, “I just thought maybe it would be a good idea to have someone waiting for them.”

  
That was mostly a lie. I was avoiding him. Avoiding his eyes on me, his hands on my skin because the moment I got in the house that was usually what he did. Took me somewhere where we could be alone. Where he could hurt me.

  
I had already been touched that day. I didn’t want anymore. Headmaster Watson had been bad enough, I didn’t think I could deal with anymore.

  
“Ok,” He said nodding his head, “You’re a good brother you know?”

  
“Thanks,” I said quietly.

  
“I got a phone call, can we talk about it alone?” He asked me to which Da’s head shot up from where he was helping Jay with his homework smiling.

  
“Yeah, go talk to him but remember what we talked about Benny,” Da said.

  
“I’ll keep it in mind,” Ben said as I allowed him to grab my hand leading me from the kitchen and out into the living room.

  
For a minute, I felt nervous would he really rape me out in the open where anyone could see? Where they could just walk in? I didn’t want him touching me the moment he let go of my hand folding my arms over myself.

  
He looked at me and smiled, “You look like such a kid right now.”

  
“I am a kid,” I mumbled quietly.

  
“You don’t usually act like one. You might have a young body yes but I see those eyes. Those eyes tell me you’re something else, something different,” He said quietly sighing, “But that’s not why I want to talk to you. My friend Barry called, he said you were very nice to him.”

  
“Headmaster Watson?” I asked and he nodded his head in response.

  
“He said you froze up a little bit and he wasn’t expecting that but that you were very good for him. I told him that’s something we’re working on. Trying to get you to relax a little more. But I wanted to let you know I’m proud of you. That tonight we don’t need to do anything that you don’t want. That maybe you can have the weekend with just cuddles and nothing else ok?” Ben said.

  
For some reason I felt my stomach flutter in excitement. Him not touching me like that the whole weekend? That seemed too good to be true. I still had to cuddle with him but no sex, no oral, no nothing?

  
“You mean…not even a little bit?” I asked trying to contain how happy the thought made me.

  
“Well I still want to share a bed with you but, nothing more than heavy petting ok? I don’t think I could...” he cleared his throat, “You’re too beautiful.”

So, he lied it wasn’t completely. It would be like Da when I was a kid. Little touches that made my skin tingle. Sent that spark up and down my spine. It was better than his mouth. A small break from his mouth and dick was better than nothing.

“Thank you,” I said.

  
“You’re welcome, I know it’s hard for you to accept us. It can feel good though I promise. You can learn to like it. I did,” He said.

  
“You mean Da?” I asked him.

  
“Your granddad,” He answered, “I was about your age when it fully developed, that relationship with him. It was scary at first I remember and it hurt. Like I’m sure you’re physically hurting right now, sore in different places like I was back then at the beginning. Once I accepted it, it felt almost special. Almost like he really wanted me. I’m not sure I ever believed he did considering I watched what he did to your Da how he pampered him. He was always loved more I think. Better at it.”  
“Better at what?” I asked.

  
“It,” He said raising his eyebrows at me trying to make sure I understood. He meant sex. He meant that.

  
“Oh,” I said not sure what to do finally taking a seat across from him on the love seat staring at my hands in my lap.

  
“I don’t want you to ever feel like that. I know I’m not your Da and I don’t ever want to be but, you need to know that you are equal to Johnny. You need to understand you are both loved very much not just by your Da but by me too,” Ben said and I didn’t know what to say so I just nodded my head.

  
I knew Da had always paid special attention to John. But John had only done it to protect me, us from Da. Because he hadn’t wanted me to have to deal with that. Him in my bed at night even though that was exactly what had happened up until we had gotten here and he had given me to Ben.

  
“So, you understand then? Why it’s you and me?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, yeah I understand. I thought it was because I looked like Da,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“That’s a part of it but not all of it. Does that bother you?” He asked me, “That I decided to do this with you because you are your Da’s son. Every bit of you besides the eyes. Dani’s eyes. I remember always loving your mum’s personality when I was young. After your granddad died they took me in you know. Do you remember that?”

  
I shook my head. I didn’t really remember that at all. I had been only little maybe two at the time and it was amazing that I had the memories of that time that I did. John hiding me in the closet from Da. The fighting, the sounds of raised voices. I knew when we had left he had been living in an apartment in town but spent a lot of time at our house, that he had babysat often.

  
“When you were did you ever…?” I started to ask.

  
“Oh, no baby you were way too little to understand. We agreed to try with John and then your mum interfered but we both agreed two was too little. That we wanted to only teach someone who would understand so John was the perfect age,” He said, “Your mum made me nervous and I screwed up so your Da wanted to wait with the rest of you and then you were gone.”

  
“He didn’t wait that long,” I said quietly.

  
“Well the plan was for us to do it together. To start with small things and then slowly move you towards it. He said he wasn’t until you were eight that he actually took that step. He said you handled it very well but that you pulled away from him after that and that was two years ago.”

  
“Somewhere around there yeah,” I said, “It hurt.”

  
“The first time always hurts,” Ben said, “Do I hurt?”

  
“Sometimes,” I answered honestly, “Sometimes I’m just scared because …” I trailed off.

  
“Understandable. When I go slow does it hurt?” He asked me.

  
I shook my head. I didn’t want to let him know that it hurt differently. In a way that wasn’t physical but more mental. That he was making me lose control of my body when he did that and that hurt more than anything else ever could. I didn’t want to tell him that I thought I was gay and that he was ruining something for me. Taking it away from me.

  
“Good, I’m glad because I don’t mean to hurt you. I have a temper and I’m working on it. I really didn’t mean to hurt you when I did.” He said.

  
“What time are we talking about? The time I went for a walk so you slammed me into the wall giving me a concussion or the time you choked me until I passed out?” I said not meaning to sound smart but, wanting to get my point across that it had happened more than once.

  
“Both,” He said, “I was scared you had gotten hurt or someone had taken you. You didn’t tell anyone you were leaving the yard. There is brotherhood all over and not all of them are nice. They could have mistaken you for just a random kid on the street. You’re not marked baby they could have seriously hurt you. Like my one friend Arthur he’s not nice. The only reason he hasn’t gotten caught is he’s smart. He’s a social worker my friend Carlos wasn’t nearly as smart as he is and you know where he is? Prison for life. The second time I hurt you I got too caught up in myself ok? That wasn’t on purpose at all. Once I realized you were passed out, I stopped.”

  
I nodded my head, “Why did you let him…I mean Headmaster Watson. Why did you tell him it was ok?”

  
“Well in the brotherhood even if a boy is contracted it’s important for them to learn from as many teachers as possible. I know it was probably scary for you but I told him no penetration. Did he listen?” Uncle Ben asked me.

  
“I don’t want to talk about it with you,” I told him. His question making me aware of how I still had Watson’s spit on me, how he had kissed me and rubbed me how his tongue had gone inside me.

  
“Ok. You don’t have to right now,” He said, “Maybe I should just send you to the kitchen to cook up some hotdogs for your brothers? Put some fries in the oven.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Am I still going to the party tomorrow?”

  
“Yes, you can still go. I just wanted to give you a break because that first time without either of us was probably a little …overwhelming and I want to make sure you’re ok,” He said, “Your mental health matters to me.”

  
“Ok well I should go make dinner,” I said standing up.

  
“Ok, go do that,” He said standing up at the same time I did as I turned to walk away back into the kitchen. He didn’t follow me but I’m still not 100 percent sure where he went. After all I wasn’t his keeper, he was more mine.

  
Around seven I managed to get everyone settled down to watch some movie that I can’t even remember what it was but it was actually a normal evening before bed. I was glad for the change from abnormal which seemed to becoming our normal. Uncle Ben taking me upstairs. John missing. Which John was still missing but for once someone wasn’t asking about him.

  
When the evening ended, Jay asked me to read him a bedtime story. I read forever I’ll love you because it was something my mum had always read to me to get me to sleep and it was a book I loved. He was out before the story ended and when I was done I kissed his cheek and made sure he was comfortably tucked in.

  
I sighed and left the room knocking on the door to Uncle Ben’s bedroom where the lights were off and the TV was quietly playing. He got up and opened the door for me making me step back biting my lip nervously. I wasn’t sure if he would keep his promise to me but either way I didn’t want to share a bed with him. He smiled at me.

  
“You don’t need to knock baby it’s your room too,” He said.

  
“It just feels weird to just walk in,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
He grabbing my hand lacing his fingers through mine pulling me into the room and wrapping his arms around me making me freeze. Making my heart pound. I gulped loudly not sure what I was doing letting him hug me, his hand going down the back of my pants and grabbing my ass.

  
“You-you-you said….,” I tried to get out.

  
“No sex, I remember,” He said nipping at my neck gently, “I said heavy petting was fair game though.”

  
He moved me to the bed lifting up my shirt pulling it over my head and then sitting back smacking his lips, “You have such beautiful skin.”

  
“Thank you,” I said quietly not sure what else to say.

  
He laughed at my reaction, “You want to just talk? Just for a little while.”

  
“About what?” I asked him.

  
“What is your first memory of me?” He asked me.

  
“You raping my older brother on the Livingroom floor,” I answered.

  
“Ouch,” He said smiling making a little hissing noise, “Not what I was hoping you would say.”

  
“What you were hoping it was you pushing me on the swings or something?” I asked him.

  
“Maybe,” He said.

  
“Well I guess you’re out of luck, can we just go to sleep. I am only 10 my bedtime is still nine,” I sighed.

  
“Sure,” he relented as I got up and turned down the covers climbing in as he turned off the TV, “Goodnight Will.”

  
“Night Ben,” I said rolling over so my back was facing him before I felt him slide in next to me pulling me into his chest spooning me.

  
“It’s hard to sleep like this,” I answered.

  
“You’re the one who wants to sleep right now, so we’re going to fall asleep my way tonight ok?” He mumbled into the back of my neck.

  
I sighed heavily closing my eyes trying to ignore the fact that he was there. Trying to go someplace else in my head. Eventually falling into an uncomfortable restless sleep.

  
The next morning, I woke up before the alarm went off. Nearly five am. He was still dead asleep snoring softly into my back his arms no longer around me but his ankle hooked around the back of mine so he could feel if I moved. If I left him. I sighed not caring rolling away from him off the bed landing on my feet close to the ground almost like a cat.

  
“Baby,” I heard Ben moan.

  
“I have to pee Ben,” I answered making sure my pants were tied on as I stood up.

  
Just because he had promised he wouldn’t have sex with me didn’t mean he would keep that promise. He had made it very clear before bed last night that he at least wanted to touch me even if he kept his mouth and genitals to himself. I was tired. Less sore than I had been in a while not having anything shoved up my ass or suctioned to my dick but my shoulders and neck hurt. Probably from all the anxiety and tension I had been holding.

  
I needed John. Needed to talk to him. To know he was ok that Da wasn’t being too hard on him. Ben might have been physically hard to handle leaving bruises all over my skin and leaving me feeling raw but, his taunts didn’t feel constant. He didn’t whisper into my skin how good I tasted or felt when he wasn’t raping me. Where Da, it was a very Da thing to whisper it into your skin whenever he thought he looked nice.

  
Everyone had described uncle ben as super violent though and I didn’t see that. He was just rough, the way his hands gripped and pinched that was rough otherwise I didn’t see what they saw. For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why. Why it was different, why I was different. Not until I was older.

  
He must have gotten up as I walked into the bathroom and shut the door because I heard it open and turned my head to see him leaning back against the door frame. I sighed. I didn’t need an audience to pee.

  
“I’m peeing,” I said feeling my shoulders tense up.

  
“And I’m enjoying the view,” He said, “You guys have to get that from your mum’s side of the family because I don’t remember being any bigger than average when I was your age but you and John are very blessed.”

  
I felt my face going red. It wasn’t like I saw a lot of other guys my age naked. I didn’t know what was normal and what wasn’t but that wasn’t the first time either one of them had thrown that comment at me, or someone else had done the same. It made me feel weird about it. Like there was something wrong with me.

  
“Don’t be shy there’s nothing wrong with it,” He said as if reading my mind, “Just think of how well you’ll impress the guys when you’re older. Hell, think of how well you’re impressing them now.”

  
I pulled my pants back up and went over to the sink to wash my hands, “I’m not looking to impress anyone right now.”

  
“You’re so good at impressing people baby you don’t even have to try. Barry wanted time with you the moment he saw you. It’s the way it all…,” He moved his hands it a circle his palms open, fingers loosed and relax, before allowing them to drop lazily to his sides, “Hangs together I guess you could say.”

  
“You make me sound like a girl,” I muttered turning off the sink.

  
“You’re better than a girl,” he said, “Young and soft in all the right places yet…masculine sweet and yet you have the ability to with stand things. You’re young no one is going to break you anytime soon.”

  
I sighed trying to relax as I turned around turning on the light and starting the shower, “I don’t see myself falling back to sleep so I think I’m going to get ready for school.”

  
He raised his eye brows at me, “At 5:30? If you want are you going to make your brothers a proper breakfast too or do you think you’ll spend some time with me?”

  
“Do you even have to ask?” I asked him.

  
Of course, I didn’t want to spent time with him. He knew that. He didn’t need to play dumb. I would rather make my brothers French toast any day than lay in a bed with him naked waiting for my real alarm to go off.

  
“Ok,” He said nodding his head, “I’ll see you downstairs then, I’m going to go start the coffee.”

  
“Thank you,” I sighed as I waited for him to shut the door before taking off my pants again and stepping under the spray of the shower head.

  
In the dorms, we had always showered. At home we had almost always still bathed but here. Here it felt like there was less freedom and more reason to move quickly, like mice skittering away from the house cat in the corner where they could safely hide in their mouse hole. Only I was the mouse that had gotten trapped in the corner the cat blocking my way to safety. To air.

  
I sighed before I quickly finished soaping up and rinsing off. Rushing my way to the bedroom I shared with James careful to grab the stuff I needed as I put on my undershirt and briefs before pulling up my khakis still in the dark and grabbing some socks out of the tiny dresser while I threw my oxford over my shoulder before going downstairs. I decide to make a large pan of scrambled eggs and toast and that’s what I did.

  
When I was done, I went back upstairs and turned on the light shaking James awake just as the alarm in the room started going off, “Come on bud, time to get up.”

  
“I don’t want to,” he moaned which wasn’t normal for him.

  
“You went to bed even a little early last night bud, come on… time to wake up,” I said again rubbing his back gently when I noticed it. The dark purple mark on the back of his neck making a lump form in my throat. I knew it wasn’t uncle Ben.

  
“Jay, did Da come in here last night?” I asked him quietly trying not to startle him.

  
“I don’t want to go to school Will, please don’t make me,” He answered quietly.

  
“Why not?” I asked him.

  
“I’m too tired,” I said again finally rolling over.

  
“Jay, if Da came in last night I’m not going to be mad. I just need to know ok?” I said quietly, calmly trying not to scare him.

  
Da had probably fed him the same bullshit he fed me when I was his age. That John would be mad, that mum would be mad if they had found out Da was touching me like that. That they would yell at me. Be jealous and treat me differently.

  
“You won’t be?” He asked me quietly, “He said you and John would be.”

  
“No, I promise bud I’m not mad at you. Not for anything like that. Did he come in here last night? For a little while? Did he hurt you?” I asked him.

  
“He didn’t hurt he just…kissed me and stuff,” He said not able to look at me, “He kept me up late and made me tired. I don’t want to go to school.”

  
“Listen bud, he can’t touch you if you’re at school. And I know how weird it feels when he does that and it feels really funny doesn’t it?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” He said, “It doesn’t hurt like when he put his penis in my butt but, it feels weird and hurts different like I don’t want to do it and he knows I don’t but he tells me the more I do it the better it will feel and that it’s ok but you and John would probably say it’s not ok and it’s scary and I don’t know what I’m doing, and I feel. Something’s wrong with me.”

  
“Bud, there isn’t anything wrong with you. It’s something with him,” I said to James, “If you go to school though he won’t be near you to hurt you like that. I don’t think he realizes that it hurts your insides like your head and not your body. I think he forgets how bad it and sad it makes someone feel. So, I need you to come to school with me ok? That way I know you’re safe.”

  
“Why doesn’t John come to school with us then? If that will make Da not touch him?” Jay said.

  
“I don’t know Bud. I think Da doesn’t want him to,” I answered, “Come here let’s get you dressed ok?”

  
“I can dress myself you know?” He pointed out.

  
“Then get dressed,” I said getting out my vest and socks as I finished buttoning my oxford and fixed my tie before fixing his, “Let me see if you got your buttons right.”

  
He showed me proudly puffing out his chest so I could see every button was matched with its hole in a perfect neat little line. He smiled at me and I felt almost like breaking. Breaking because I knew so well what Da had done to him last night and here he was after he had full woken up acting like nothing was wrong. Like it didn’t hurt inside and the world didn’t seem dark and cold and grey but I managed to smile and ruffle his hair, “Good job bud,” I said helping him fix his tie and make sure the rest of his uniform was on.

  
Went we got down into the kitchen again Uncle Ben was back in there pouring himself another cup of coffee. I sighed. So, this was going to be my morning. Pretending to be normal. Pretending nothing was wrong.

  
“Why are you up so early uncle Ben?” James asked frowning at him as I brought James’ plates of eggs and toast over to seat at the table and turned to see Mike and Matt coming down the stairs.

  
“I have stuff I have to do, I have to go help a friend out with something but it’s not a big deal just going to take some time out of the house,” He answered them.

  
“Help them with what?” Matt asked.

  
“Work stuff they need me to take a look at something and tell them if it needs to be changed. They made a movie and they want me to help edit it before the let other people see it,” He said.

  
“COOL! Can I see it? That would be so cool being the first person to see a movie before anyone else got too,” Matt said.

  
“Maybe another time Matt, you have to go to school and then I do believe you’ve all been invited to a party at the Larkin house. I mean the older kids are going to be in a different area of the house but it’s like a bbq for the beginning of the school year kind of. Let’s you get to know some of your classmates,” Uncle Ben said.

  
“Really everyone is going?” I asked.

  
“Everyone but John because he’s still not feeling well,” Ben answered, “Your Da is going to stay home with him. I think he might actually be taking him do the doctors.”

  
“He’s really that sick?” James asked frowning.

  
“I don’t know bud all I know is that this party is going to be fun. There will be a bounce house and they have a pool over there. So, lots of things to do,” Ben said.

  
“Do we have to stay with you the whole time?” James asked.

  
“No, you guys can wonder off on your own. Like I said different areas for different age groups besides the pool I think. I think the pool is for everyone so don’t forget your swim suits. Once you get home you can grab them and then we’ll go,” He said.  
I finish eating and made sure everyone’s ties were ready and then we got on the middle school bus. That way I could take them the playground and not have to worry about being too early or me too late giving me 10 minutes before class started which was enough time to make sure they made it to the playground and head back in towards the middle school wing. Making it to my seat just as the class started.

  
“Ok class, since everyone is here today we are switching briefly from plants to humans. Because yesterday we talked about how plants are asexual reproducers meaning they can produce on their own today we are talking about different kinds of reproduction. Animal reproduction and human production. How many people know what reproduction is?” Father Barney asked.

  
Teddy raised his hand, “It’s producing children.”

  
“Or offspring,” Father Barney corrected, “In this case we’re going to use the word offspring. This is science class offspring would be the more correct term. But yes, that’s what it is. It’s the ability to produce offspring. Asexual reproduction can’t be considered producing children because they create offspring through a process where their offspring is almost an identical copy of oneself. You then have allogamy reproduction which is where two parents are needed and then autogamy where there is one genetic parent …”

  
This topic continued on for a while. I think only half the class listened. Anyone in the brotherhood already have a decent idea of what human reproduction consisted of and that was really the only type of reproduction we needed to know about according to the brotherhood. You had sex. Sex with a woman made a baby sex with a boy was for fun. That was all there was to understand. All that we needed to know.

  
When lunch came, I was totally tuned out wanting to read my book and escape wanting to pour myself into that different world that I so craved. The one where white walkers lived beyond a wall a threat the way of life for a whole world and where a mother existed a mother of dragons, of creatures that were thought to be dead for 1000’s of years only to be birthed from fire brought back to the world once again. That was the world I wanted to be in. The world where things seemed bleak but maybe, just maybe they weren’t.

  
I got an average lunch that day and didn’t pick out any desert or anything special just a simple hamburger with some mushy corn and tatertots and sat down in my usual seat. Hoping that once I pulled my book out I would be left alone since there would be plenty of time to talk at the party. Plenty of time for questions and goofing off, for discussions of real world things that seemed made of fiction, of nightmares and horror.

  
I wasn’t that lucky hearing Teddy clear his throat as he sat down in the seat next to me instead of a seat or two away, “So you’re coming to the party, right?” he asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered not bothering to look up from my book trying to show him I wasn’t interested in talking to him.

  
“Both my grandpas are going to be there. Do you know if you’re brothers are coming?” He asked me.

  
“Be…my uncle Ben said we were all going,” I changed the wording of my sentence hoping no one would catch it.

  
“Ah,” Teddy made a sound of acknowledgement, “Even your little brother you said he was six, right?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“Keep an eye on him,” Teddy said, “usually they don’t with a lot of people around but, just to be safe ok?”

  
The tone in his voice made me look up. Usually Teddy seemed like he was half stupid but his tone this time was quiet, serious. Enough to pull me back to the real world enough to remind me of the hickey on the back of my little brother’s neck left there by my Da.

  
“Thanks for the warning,” I said quietly.

  
“Look I don’t want to watch anyone’s little brothers get checked out by freaks especially mine so just the idea they’d be watching my friend’s brothers I can’t stand that either. They watch the bounce house that they put up for the little kids my grandpa Lionel especially. So just don’t let them use it ok? It’s how he picks them. If it were up to me I wouldn’t even invite kids that young but they use it more as an excuse to scope out who they want to bother that year,” Ted whispered.

  
“Teddy, are you all right man?” Quinn asked him.

  
Teddy smiled and shook his head, “Yeah I’m fine, why?”

  
“You’re not being you,” Quinn said shrugging his shoulder, “Is it that party? Did they turn it into a thing again?”

  
“Yeah, they told me they wouldn’t this year but, of course they asked so mum caved right in,” Teddy said.

  
“Dude, we can just hang out upstairs and play video games or something. Exclude everyone else,” Finn piped in.

  
“No,” Teddy said, “I mean my little brother will be there, A bunch of the older guys will be there and if we’re playing video games they are going to bogart the system so might as well just try to hang back and stay out of sight.”

  
“How is he doing by the way? Have they done that type of thing yet?” Quinn asked.

  
“Mom won’t let them yet. Not until he’s nine which he isn’t yet but she’s warming him up to the idea. I think it’s gross but I’m not allowed to say anything against it. I personally don’t like it. I think it’s nasty,” Teddy said, “Like he’s my brother and it’s my job to protect him and I remember how much that hurt. It didn’t matter that I was 10 it still hurt. Like being older makes it hurt less? It doesn’t. I don’t understand why she doesn’t get that.”

  
I had never seen Teddy be serious before. Not serious like this. He knew I had little brothers. That’s why he had warned me. I thought it was uncommon to wait though so I cleared my throat, “Wait don’t they usually start…” I trailed off.

  
“Depends on the family,” Finn answered, “My family I was 5 the first time they just …” Finn sighed looking at his hands, “Nine when it went farther. They don’t usually brand people until they get to be 11. Sometimes as young as nine like it’s not unheard of but it’s not common either it just depends on the dad, handler whatever you want to call them.”

  
“Brand?” I asked.

  
It hadn’t been the first time I’d heard the term used but I still wasn’t completely sure what it meant. I knew what a brand was. It was a marking people used them on livestock in order to keep track of who they belonged to usually a symbol or a number of some kind. Did they really do that to us? To humans, to kids?

  
Finn’s eyebrows raised, “You don’t know what that means?” He asked me.

  
I shook my head, “I know what a brand is but, is it like slang or is it like a real…” I trailed off watching the three faces looking at me, looking upset or scared not because I had said it but more because of me. Because I was asking.

  
“Oh,” I said realizing I was right. They branded us, “What’s it like?” I asked.

  
“It’s…they make a big deal out of it,” Teddy said shrugging his shoulders, “I would say more but it’s …kind of …I don’t want to scare you Will.”

  
“I think I’ll be more scared not knowing,” I answered.

  
“We can talk about it at the party if you want,” Ted said and Finn and Quinn both nodded their heads in agreement, “I know we talk about a lot of stuff at school we’re not supposed to but this is a pretty…I don’t know.”

  
“What he means is talking about your branding is personal they are all pretty similar the way they go about doing it but it’s scary to think about so…better to do it in a place where you won’t just like flip out,” Finn said.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head feeling the knot in my stomach.

  
It was that bad that they wouldn’t talk about it in school. That bad that Teddy wouldn’t talk about it when Teddy was open to talk about just about anything and asking the dumbest most invasive questions he could possible ask at exactly the wrong moment? I needed to hear this. Not just for me but so I could warn others could warn my brothers.

  
“Well, the day is half way over,” Finn said standing up and throwing away his tray as I followed him to do the same, “Let’s get it done with and then get the party done with and then I’m hoping for some down time. So, we’ll see.”

  
“Yeah see you later,” I said as I followed Teddy back to class.

  
“I’m sorry it’s not something I can just…” Teddy trailed off.

  
“No, it’s ok,” I answered, “My older brother is like that with everything. He just doesn’t talk about things until you push and push until he’s basically just screaming it to get it out and then he’s …it’s like he’s completely exposed, broken almost. Then he’ll cry for hours and be quiet again. He’s been that way since we were little. God, damn it.”

  
I had to turn away. I didn’t want Teddy to see me get upset. Upset of thinking about what John must be going through trapped in that room. In my Da’s room. I might have been spending the nights with Ben but at least I got to leave in the morning. At least I wasn’t stuck in there just waiting around for him to do whatever it was he was planning to do to me that day.

  
“What’s up? You can tell me I won’t tell anyone. I mean I know I’m like a spaz or whatever but, I can understand the need to be serious. I just I’m bad with meeting new people and you aren’t new anymore so I’ll probably put my foot in my mouth a little less if you ever want to tell me anything,” Teddy said, “I’m sorry if I make you uncomfortable or…”

  
“It’s not you Ted,” I said quietly, “Yeah I think you are a spaz but I can understand why. Your life is very very far from normal. It’s my brother, John.”

  
“Your older brother that no one has met yet?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah I’m worried about him. Really worried,” I answered.

  
“Look, I’m sure whatever is going on with him he’s ok. That he’s holding on because he knows he’s not alone. That once he can come to school or whatever you’re here. That he’s got you. I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Ted said seriously.

  
“He’s not fine, I can feel it. I know that sounds weird but I know he’s not ok and that whatever he is doing he’s doing for me. That this is my fault,” I said quietly.

  
Teddy sighed, “Look,” he paused, “You can’t control what he does. What decisions he makes but, if it came down to me or my little brother and I know you feel the same way because while John has four you have three little brothers here with you guys, if it came down to me doing something, going through something so Luke didn’t have to I would do it in heart beat so he didn’t have to suffer. I’m sure that’s exactly what John is doing right now. Don’t question him about it and don’t blame yourself for it. Accept it and help him get past it. Show him he’s not alone that he doesn’t have to protect all of you alone that you’re old enough now too. That you are strong enough now too. Make sure he understands that.”

  
I stopped and thought about it. Teddy was right I couldn’t control John. I couldn’t get him to stop throwing himself into the fire but, I could jump in with him. Wasn’t that something I was doing anyway, sharing a bed with Ben so he didn’t do things to anyone else. Letting him wrap his arms around me at night and fall asleep while holding me because no matter how much I hated it, it meant he was with me and not in someone else’s room doing the same thing to them. I nodded my head.

  
“Thanks, that actually made me feel better I think,” I said, “You might be a bit of a goof Ted but you’re smart.”

  
“Thanks, someone has to be a goof though let’s be honest. Otherwise what would we laugh…,” He said just as he managed to trip over his own foot, “OUCH!!! What the…” he sighed as I offered my hand laughing at him lightly, “See that’s exactly what I was saying. Otherwise we’d have nothing to laugh at. Only I could trip over my own feet while trying to be serious.”

  
He took my hand and we made it back to class right before the bell rang telling us we needed to be back. Sitting down and pulling out our English books. The rest of the school day went by pretty fast. I took the bus home and didn’t end up waiting outside that day because he had promised he wouldn’t make me do those types of things and I was starting to think I could believe him.

  
When I got in I didn’t see him or Da but heard the phone ring and decided to pick it up, “Hello?” I asked into the phone.

  
“Will love is that you?” I heard mum’s voice.

  
“MUM!? Yes, it’s me,” I said, “Where are you mum are you coming soon? Oh wait…”

  
I sighed trailing off. She was still pregnant. She wasn’t going to be coming home until the babies were born. Until at least 2 weeks after they were born. I couldn’t even remember when the babies were due to be honest I just knew I needed my mum.  
“Yes love, I’m still very pregnant I just missed my boys,” She said quietly, “Where is your brother? I know Matty, Mikey and James are still at school but where is John? Can I speak with him?”

  
“Huh,” I wasn’t sure what to say that I hadn’t seen him in nearly two and half weeks? That he had disappeared like two days after we had gotten there and I hadn’t seen him since then? What was I supposed to say?

  
“Love, where is he?” She asked.

  
“In the shower,” I said trying to sound confident in my answer knowing that if she suspected anything Da would be angry. Da would blame me somehow, I and I would be punished. If not by Da’s own hand than by Ben’s.

  
“Da always says that when I wake up early to call him, is he taking two showers a day?” She asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I said quietly not sure of what to say.

  
“Listen love is Da having problems? I’m not sure you remember but when you were wee Da had an issue with touching your brother weird. Do you remember any of that?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah, I remember,” I answered.

  
“If he’s having trouble with those things again, if he is doing those things again tell me you drew a picture at school right now love ok? Is he doing those things?” She asked me.

  
I could hear her breathing become heavy on the other side of the phone like her anxiety was growing. Like she knew and she didn’t want to believe it. I could feel her hope, her hope that I was going to say no. That Everything was fine.

  
“Mum,” I said quietly swallowing, “I drew a picture at school today.”

  
I heard her make a weird swallowing sound, “Was it a very detailed one?” She asked.

  
She didn’t have to explain her meaning. I wasn’t sure she knew Da had ever raped him and I knew she had no idea he had ever raped me. But it didn’t take someone with a degree in molecular biology to figure out that’s what she meant. That she was asking if he was raping us.

  
“Yeah mum,” I said feeling like I was about to start crying, “Yeah.”

  
“Oh god,” She said before she muttered something I didn’t understand, that I wasn’t sure of. I think she was praying. She always loved praying it brought her comfort that I never understood. However, I wouldn’t seeming as how every priest I was ever close to seemed to want something from me. Something that God wouldn’t agree with, something that was supposed to be kept quiet because it was sinful, shameful.

  
“As soon as I can I’ll be there love ok?” She said to me, “What about you? What about your younger brothers? Can you say anything about that?”

  
“What if I don’t want to?” I asked quietly.

  
I hated lying to my mum. I had always been my mum’s boy. She mattered to me in a way that Da never could and never would. She was the one who wiped away my tears and comforted me after my nightmares she was the one who when I was tiny and first started living in the dorms would talk to me on the phone when I woke up the adult house head in the middle of the night needing to hear her voice. She was the one who could always help me find that place where I felt at peace. Always her and never anyone else.

  
“I won’t make you say it but can you tell me yes or no?” She asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered quietly wanting to cry wanting to let it out and feel that pain that I kept burying deeper and deeper every time he wrapped his arms around me. Every time I felt his lips against my neck. Every time his hands went somewhere they weren’t supposed to. Every time he laid down next to me and started snoring softly spooning me.

  
But I didn’t. I didn’t cry those tears or give in to those feelings. I couldn’t. I knew I could that I had to be strong for my little brothers and for my older brother who I was positive was breaking. The brother that I needed desperately to see.

  
“I love you,” She said to me, “We’ll figure this out, get your Da help again. I thought it…be not like this. I’m sorry I did this to you.”

  
“It’s ok mum,” I said not sure what else to say. I knew she would blame herself just like I blamed myself for not backing John up, for being unsure of what to say when I should have said something, anything to get her to keep us home with her instead of going anywhere we would be alone with him, “I love you too.”

  
“Ok love I’ll see you as soon as I can,” She said hanging up the phone.

  
I listened to the dial tone on shock for a minute or so. Not sure what I was doing, what I was thinking. Just feeling hallow almost. Not numb but something just before it. Hopeless. Hopeless knowing escape or at least some type of stop was so close, just out of reach and it didn’t matter how much I stretched the alarm ringing that would allow me to take hold of it just wouldn’t go off, wouldn’t give me permission to grip around it and pull it towards us. I heard a sound and softly put the phone back in its cradle as I looked up to find Ben watching me in the door frame.

  
“You ok baby?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I lied nodding my head.

  
“Who was on the phone?” He questioned.

  
“Just mum,” I answered simply.

  
“What did she want?” He asked me.

  
“To talk to John and Da. I told her I wasn’t sure where Da was and that John was in the shower,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“You didn’t tell her about me, did you? About us?” He asked coming towards me causing me to tense but me trying to stand my ground to not show him how scared I was of him.

  
“No, I didn’t say anything about it,” I answered.

  
It was true I hadn’t. I hadn’t said even a word about him being here. I knew he wasn’t supposed to be around that she didn’t want him here.

  
“Good, I would hate to have our lessons stop because she called your Da and complained,” He said quietly, “You want to go upstairs and grab your brothers swim clothes and your own the party starts in a little bit so I figured we’d just go pick them up and then head over there.”

  
“Ok,” I answered nodding my head before I ascended the stair case and went digging through dresser drawers where we had decided to temporarily house our clothing until we got to be in our real rooms. It was easy to find the small swim suits and I made sure to grab some undershirts as well just in case they wanted them. I knew how exposed I always felt without a shirt on and wasn’t sure if it was the same for them or not but wanted them to be comfortable about it. To feel as safe as possible.  
I gathered the suits up and threw them into my book bag leaving my homework on the kitchen table when I got back downstairs. Ben smiled at me as I stuffed the smallest pair of trunks into my bag as I zipped it looking over at him.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“You’re such a big brother,” he sighed smiling warmly at me, making my skin crawl.

  
“Well Da’s too busy with other things and so is John who else is going to take care of them?” I asked.

  
“Very true, I would but, I’ve never been very good at taking acre of anyone or anything but myself. You can ask your Da your granddad tried to get me a hamster once. I kept forgetting to feed it and it died,” He said as he came over putting his hand on my shoulder and squeezing it gently.

  
“Are you going to hang around during the party?” I asked.

  
“With other adults, yeah, I might call for your attention to introduce you to some people but, we won’t make a big deal out of it. There will be kids there if someone comes up to you and asks you if you have a good friend just tell them it’s me ok? Since there will be people there who are more mainstream than our family is. You understand what I mean?” He asked me.

  
“You mean normal? Normal families?” I asked.

  
“Different from us. I’d say we’re pretty normal though,” He answered as he opened the door for me and we stepped back out into the humid Florida air to pick up my brothers.

  
I didn’t want to fight with him. Our family was far from normal and I knew it and I thought he was delusional. Normal families didn’t have Da’s who tongue kissed their sons. Normal families didn’t think it was ok to have sex with eight-year old’s let alone your own eight-year-old you were biologically related to whether that was your brother, your son or your nephew. We were very very far from normal.

  
I sighed looking out the car window for a moment before we slowed at a stop light his hand on my knee rubbing slow circles into my khakis making me uncomfortable. I didn’t like what he was doing. His hand being there. I reminded myself to stay calm to not draw attention to myself.


	16. sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will and his younger brothers finally make it to Teddy's begining of the school year party and find that that party is probably an unsafe place to be. Will gets more of his questioned answered after Uncle Ben subjects him to some unneeded humiliation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 215 to 229. Leave comments or questions if you have any. I'm actually very focused on Will right now because I guess I'm trying to get the timelines closer to matching up. Let me know what you think.

When we pulled up to the pickup drive they were already standing there, waiting for us. They climbed in the car his hand never leaving my leg. His hand stilling against my thigh, “Everyone buckled in?”

  
“Yeah,” three voices said in unison.

  
“Good Will grabbed your suits so that you would be ready to swim in the pool when you want,” Uncle Ben said, “The house isn’t too far. I know exactly where we’re going.”

  
“You do?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, we’re going to my friend Greg’s house, him and his daughter Susan live together in a huge house. He just happens to be Teddy’s grandpa. Well, one of them,” He said, “It’ll be fun. You guys can do whatever, I’m not sure they have a petting zoo this year but I know they are still barbequing hamburgers and hotdogs and that there will be a bounce house and I think face painting, music, an area where you guys can water balloon fight. There’s a billiards room downstairs for the older boys they usually spent some time down there and of course the pool. I expect everyone to behave and if an adult tells you to do something you listen to them ok?”

  
“Ok Uncle Ben,” They said.

  
We turned at a couple more intersections before we went down a road that turned and dirt that seemed to get narrower and narrower until it opened into a paved space. It was a big drive almost as big as the schools with cars parked along the whole thing the driveway leading back past a big garage. Uncle Ben found an area and parked.

  
“Ok everyone I want you once we get inside to go to the guest bathroom off the kitchen and change into your suits that way I don’t have to worry about you making a mess of your uniforms. Put those back into Will’s book bag and then Will can hand the bag to me, everyone read?” He said.

  
“Yeah, we’re ready,” Matt answered.

  
“I’m ready,” James answered as I unbuckled my seat belt and opened my door.

  
“Let’s go then.”

  
We didn’t go in the front door but a door next to the garage sandwiched between that and the main house. It opened up on a kitchen that was almost all dark cherry with white counter tops unlike our kitchen at home that had white cabinets and fixtures with dark counter tops. A double oven and a small powder room in the corner next to the fridge which Uncle Ben pointed to.

  
“Come on guys,” I said nodding at him but barely giving in a glance as I ushered them all inside and shut the door.

  
“Did you really grab everyone’s suits?” Mike asked.

  
“Yeah I grabbed you shirts too ok? I want you wear them,” I answered.

  
“Last time we were in the pool we weren’t even allowed to wear suits,” James said as he started undoing his tie and unbuttoning his oxford.

  
“I know but this isn’t home so we’re wearing suits and shirts. I want the shirts to stay on ok?” I said.

  
“What if uncle Ben tells us to take it off?” Mike asked.

  
“You tell him you burn easy and mum always lets you wear your shirt,” I answered starting to pull my vest over my head, “I want you to stay away from the bounce house guys. Everything else is ok but no bounce house.”

  
“Why that’s stupid,” James said.

  
“Just trust me you’d probably get hurt and I don’t feel like messing around with it so no bounce house,” I said again.

  
I didn’t want to explain to him that there were people there like Uncle Ben. Like Da who were watching him. Looking at him and one of them was watching the bounce house closely. I didn’t want to deal with that. Deal with the questions it would cause him to ask especially when there were supposedly normal people here. When everyone was changed, I opened the bathroom door and Uncle Ben frowned at us.

  
“What’s with the shirts?” He asked.

  
“We burn easy,” mike answered remembering what I told him to say.

  
“Ah,” he said nodding his head, “Good thinking Will, don’t know if you can wear those in the pool though guys if someone tells you have to take them off before you get in the pool listen to them all, right?”

  
“Ok, can we go play now?” Matt asked.

  
“Yeah you three go play,” He said wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

  
He wasn’t going back on what he promised was he? I hoped not but then I dawned on me he said he wouldn’t rape me. That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to let other people do it. He let Headmaster Watson do it. Sure, he hadn’t hurt me, it had only been his tongue but it still wasn’t something I had wanted.

  
“Did I do something wrong?” I asked him barely above a whisper.

  
“No baby, no,” He said quietly, “I just want you meet some of my friends ok?”

  
“Are they ...going to hurt me?” I asked him.

  
“I hate that you refer to it that way. I know it confuses you but it doesn’t hurt you. Can you call it something else? Teach you. Say that ok?” He said and I nodded my head.

  
“Are they going to teach me because I really don’t…” I sighed feeling like my throat was tight, like I was choking on nothing as I hugged myself him keeping his arm wrapped around my shoulders his hand rubbing lightly at my left one where it rested.

  
“No, not right now ok,” He said, “I just want you to talk to them. That’s all. If one of them does try to teach you later you need to tell me ok?”

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head.

  
He took me down the hall to a room that when he opened the door cigar smoke wafted out of the room heavy making my eyes burn a little, “Hey guys! Is Greg around?” Ben shouted into the room fanning the air in front of his face his hand still on my shoulder pushing me forward.

  
“He’ll be back in a minute wants to check on the bbq kid I think,” An older man who was starting to bald in front said looking at him when he spotted me his eyes lighting up, “And who is this beautiful creature?”

  
I tried to back up hitting Ben’s chest and he wrapped his arms around me, “Don’t embarrass men,” he whispered into my ear, “This is my boy Will.”

  
“He’s gorgeous,” The guy said, “Did he come here to play?”

  
“He’s shy,” Ben said kissing my shoulder, “Can’t you tell he’s a little shy?”

  
“The look on his face says so yeah, can I see him?” He asked Ben still not really talking to me but more about me.

  
I felt the lump in my throat growing again. He said he wouldn’t let them. He said that he just wanted me to meet them. I didn’t want this. I wasn’t ok with this. I bit into my lower lip as I started feeling my body tremble I wasn’t ok with this.

  
“Hey, it’s ok he’s not going to touch you ok? He just wants to see,” He whispered into my ear pulling on the hem of my shirt as I went to try and hold it down, “You don’t want to do that. You don’t want to make me angry. You know what happens when I get angry or upset you don’t want to deal with that right now do you? Me accidently lose my tempter and then have to take you and your brothers home, ruin your day? Don’t be like that.”

  
I sighed and stopped trying to hold my shirt down as he pulled it over my head me wrapping my arms around myself again pulling my shoulders up to my chin trying not to show them how scared I was. How badly I wanted out of that room.

  
“Ben really? You’ve bruised him all up poor thing,” The man sighed looking at my uncle.

  
“It’s just love bites I bet you they don’t even hurt anymore,” He answered the guy.

  
“Makes it harder to imagine giving him my own though,” He sighed, “can he put his arms down I want to see the rest of him if I’m allowed.”

  
“You mean everything?” Ben asked.

  
“Of course, everything why not? Is he wearing a chastity belt or something? Don’t tell me you have wound that tight yet. He’s still so young. Too young for rough lessons.”

  
“No, of course not. You’re right I believe he’s too young for that too Tip,” Ben said before whispering in my ear, “You want to take down your trunks and show him? He just wants to see how beautiful you are. Now remember don’t embarrass me.”

  
“I…,” I struggled with trying to figure out to say I didn’t want to, that I wasn’t ok with it without making him mad and not seeing any option.

  
“Can I help…” Ben cut his friend apparently named Tip off.

  
“I got it, I’ll help him if he needs it,” Ben said, “Here…” He undid the draw string holding my trunks in place and once it was loosened my trunks fell as he rested his chin on the top of my head grabbing my wrists and holding my arms down against my sides so I couldn’t cover myself as it got harder to breathe.

  
I felt beyond exposed. He told me he wouldn’t let them do this and here he was holding me still so this guy could touch me like that. Could at the very least look at me and imagine touching me like that. I wanted to scream but I knew better. I knew screaming would make him angry and I didn’t want to deal with him angry. I knew that was something to be afraid of.

  
“NICE!” Tip exclaimed loudly, “Very nice. Too bad for those uniforms otherwise he’d have a very cute tan line.”

  
“He will by the end of the day probably. If he doesn’t burn,” Ben said still holding my wrists hard making sure I say exposed.

  
“Can I see the other side?” He asked Ben licking his lips.

  
He wanted to see my butt? At that age, even though Ben and Da were raping me I just didn’t see what the big deal about a butt was especially my butt. Ben made me turn around wrapping his arms around my shoulders to keep me still and let him look at my butt. I was beyond done with this. I had to try and stay calm though or risk being thrown against the wall and having my head banged.

  
“That’s impressive too nice and firm and round one of the ones you just want to squeeze. How does it feel?” Tip asked him.

  
“It’s perfect like a glove. He’s old enough it’s not too tight but as long as I don’t get too rough and don’t do it too often it bounces back right away, nice and tight almost molds to me like it was made personally for me,” Ben said.

  
“Can I…?” I heard Tip trail off his words.

  
“I’d say yes but he’s …apprehensive, he’s very tense right now. Barry taught him a little bit yesterday and I think he’s still kind of uneasy about it. I don’t want to cause too much upset,” Ben told the guy rubbing my hair, “You’re doing really good baby. Just try and relax we’re almost done talking and then you can go hang out with your friends ok?”

  
“Can I put my clothes back on?” I whispered to him quietly.

  
“Not yet, soon ok? I promise,” He said kissing my crown as he took my wrists and put my arms against his sides before letting go running his hand through the hair on the back of my head.

  
I didn’t feel like I had any choice but to hold onto him. Not unless I wanted to be hurt. Wanted him to go back on his word and let this guy touch me. That was something that the mere thought terrified me. Another person touching me, putting their hands down there someone shoving a finger or a tongue up my ass. I was beyond terrified of it and that feel was so paralyzing it got me to do anything he wanted.

  
“Aww, that’s just adorable, he’s hugging you. His teacher, his protector,” Tip said, “I wish I could get mine to behave like that. That’s the thing about age though unless you find the perfect personality and start teaching them young they grow out of this shy quiet demeanor and tend to get a little bit more fight in them. Kristoff was very sweet when he was younger up until last year. Probably hit his testosterone peak and now I have to tie him down almost every time.

  
“How old is Kristoff now?” Ben asked Tip.

  
“Almost 17,” Tip answered, “He’s big and strong now he’s in the billiard room if you want him. But, if you want to do that could you leave me with this little slice of heaven for a couple of minutes?”

  
“Yeah, no I think we’re going to pass for today Tip. I however wouldn’t be averse to you giving him some lessons another time if you like. We can make an arrangement. Baby you can put your suit back on ok?” He said rubbing my head and I nodded bending down and picking up my shorts sliding them back on quickly and finding my shirt.

  
“Sure, I am really looking forward to making a date,” He said as I slid my shirt back on hearing Tip sigh heavily almost like he was disappointed for my skin to be covered, “You are a very very beautiful boy.” He said addressing me for the first time.

  
“What do you say Will?” Ben coaxed quietly.

  
“Thank you,” I said before Ben stepped aside letting me leave the room to which I ended up running into someone I was in such a hurry to get away.

  
“Woah there young one,” A guy said grabbing my shoulders as I looked up at him.

  
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to,” I said my heart feeling like it was about to stop.

  
“It’s ok, it was an accident,” He said, “I’m Mr. Lord, what’s your name?”

  
“Will McGregor,” I answered.

  
I thought about the name. Lord. That was Ted’s dad’s last name. So, this was his grandpa. One of them.

  
“Nice to meet you. I bet Will is short for William am I right?” He asked me.

  
“Yes sir,” I answered looking at my feet as he took his hands off my shoulders.

  
“Ben is your uncle? Connor your Father?” He asked me.

  
“Yes sir,” I said again.

  
“Where are you going to in such a hurry?” He asked me quietly.

  
“Outside to the pool sir,” I answered.

  
“You are very polite. I like polite however you can call me Mr. Lord ok? Let me escort you. We have some adult friends walking around here that would probably want to teach you a couple of things so better to get you outside if your Handler or Contractor isn’t around ok?” He said and I nodded my head, “No questions as to what that means?”

  
“No S…Mr. Lord I’m friends with Ted,” I said.

  
“Oh, so he told you somethings?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, just what different things mean,” I answered.

  
“Like what?” He asked me suddenly making me stop and look at him.

  
“Just that Handler is like my Da and Contractor is someone who Da says can teach me who is allowed to have in say in who gives me lessons,” I said careful to make sure I kept myself in code.

  
“I see, that’s all he told you?” He asked me.

  
“Yes, that’s all he told me,” I answered.

  
“Well come along then,” He said leading me through the kitchen into what looked to be an enclosed porch like area and opened a sliding glass door that opened to the pool area, “Out you go.”

  
“Thank you, Mr. Lord,” I answered and he nodded his head and smiled, “Go play I’ll see you another time.”

  
I walked out and he shut the door behind him pausing briefly before disappearing back into the depths of the house.

  
“HEY!” I heard a shout before I heard a splash and more laughing as I looked over and saw Finn as Ted resurfaced.

  
“Are you ok?” Finn asked me frowning.

  
“Yeah,” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“When did you get here?” Ted asked.

  
“I don’t know a little bit ago,” I answered, “Have you seen my brothers?” I asked.

  
“They just left, I think they are over somewhere with my mom I think they went for face painting why?” Ted asked.

  
“I’m just wondering,” I answered.

  
“Where were you if you got here a while ago?” Quinn asked me.

  
“I don’t even know it was kind of dark in there,” I said gesturing with my neck and shoulders towards the house.

  
“Did they take you to the smoke room?” Ted asked, “I hate that fucking room they all hang out and there and just appraise people like they are cattle.”

  
“Yeah,” I said and Finn’s eyes fell as he waded over to the side of the pool closer to me and motioned for me to lean forward, “Did they hurt you?”

  
He whispered it not loud enough for most people to hear. So, this was something that happened at these parties. People got hurt. Got ogled.

  
“No,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Then why so quiet?” He asked me, “You seemed a little bit more relaxed before school let out and now you’re…did your uncle hurt you earlier?”

  
“There was some guy there Tip he wanted to see me naked. My Uncle let him. I just…,” I trailed off a blush breaking out over my nose.

  
“You’re ok though?” Finn asked.

  
“Yeah, I’m ok. They didn’t do anything,” I answered, “I just it’s hard to get used to the idea that I belong to them. It’s weird.”

  
“Trust me we understand. It’s very weird but eventually it’ll be like second nature. I call it robot mod. I just stop thinking and try to do what they tell me. It gets easier to separate it from real life, from having friends and school. You just learn how to shut things out, separate things,” Finn said.

  
“Easy for you say,” Quinn mumbled.

  
“Everyone deals with it their own way,” Finn said, “A lot of the older guys are into drugs and stuff drinking, that sort of thing. Those types of things make it so you don’t care until you’re sober again and then you really care. Like a serious I feel like I’m going to kill myself type of care. I’ve seen Wal do it a couple of times.”

  
“Who is Wal?” I asked confused.

  
“Someone you should stay away from,” Quinn said and Finn nodded his head in agreement.

  
“He’s my brother,” Finn added, “He’s huh recruit track. So just if you see him ignore him. Don’t even like look at him.”

  
“I wouldn’t breathe near Wal if I were him he’s exactly Wal’s type,” Quinn said.

  
“Recruit track?” I was so confused.

  
“It means that eventually he’ll be a handler. Like your Dad is your handler it just means they’ve agreed to have kids for the brotherhood. So, that they can abuse them when they get old enough. A recruit is someone who doesn’t have kids but they are allowed to teach them. As the brotherhood likes to call it. You’re a recruit until you make your declaration of intent at like 25. Anyone under the age of 18 that has decided they like the idea of being a recruit are called recruit track or trackers.” Quinn explained.  
“My brother has basically said he’s...he wants to abuse people. There has to be four or more years between a tracker and whoever they are looking to tutor and Wal doesn’t seem to be…he doesn’t like his targets young but not at the minimum age gap he’s allowed either. Usually 9 to 13 I’ve heard him talking with Dad before he likes thin, blond hair, light eyes…tallish but not too tall. So…”

  
“He likes me,” I said biting my lower lip out of nervousness, “Guys like me.”

  
“Yeah,” Finn said, “Just stay away from him. If any of these guys looks like a kiddie diddler it’s my brother trust me. He’s fat bad complexion, dark blond hair, glasses ….”

  
“I’ve seen him,” I said a light bulb going off in my head, “He was riding the upper school bus. I took it on accident because I thought it was later than it was until I got on and all of these guys like my brothers age were there and older. I think he said hi to me.”

  
“He probably would have. Because and don’t take this the wrong but you’re…” I cut Finn off.

  
“Cute?” I scoffed, “Don’t remind me.”

  
“Defensive much?” Quinn asked.

  
“He’s probably been hearing it a lot lately,” Finn defended me, “Didn’t you ever get tired of hearing it? Don’t you?”

  
“Yes,” Quinn agreed, “I do. That and he’s shiny and new so everyone wants to see him, talk to him and …other things.”

  
“Did you hear any names while you were in the room?” Finn asked, “Like the guy who your uncle was talking to?”

  
“Tip,” I answered simply.

  
“Ah, that’s one of the older guy’s Dad’s. I can’t remember their last name do you remember their last name?” Finn asked turning to Quinn.

  
“Talbot,” He said, “Kris is a nice guy. He’s more of a protector than anything. That means he watches out for us younger guys tries to keep some handlers off our backs as much as he can. Sometimes he stirs up trouble to draw attention away from us. Even though right now he’s probably down in the billiard room with the rest of the older kids.”

  
“Oh,” I said.

  
“You came out here by yourself, didn’t you? How did you get through the house without being stopped?” Quinn asked me.

  
“I think the leader walked him out,” He said.

  
“The Leader? He told me to call him Mr. Lord,” I said and their eyes both went wide.

  
“What? Is that not his name?” I asked them.

  
“Huh, hold on,” Quinn said before using his arms to pull himself up over the side of the pool and standing up walking off quickly.

  
“What’s wrong with Mr. Lord?” I asked.

  
“Well, he’s the one in charge. Usually he’s goes by sir or he’ll tell you to call him Leader or sir unless he…”

  
“Likes you,” I said understanding why it was a big deal. It meant he wanted to rape me. To touch me. That if he wasn’t demanding my respect and he was trying to be nice so he could get me to feel comfortable around him.

  
I had read some stuff. It was something some of them did. Not just brotherhood but child molesters in general. Honestly Da had probably been grooming me most of my life and I had just never known that was what it was called. The trips to the zoo where he would let us get all the junk food we wanted. The random presents he would come home with when we lived in the town house to find on our beds when we came home for the weekend. Just little things that made him seem like a sweet and loving Da who thought of his kids. At least until the lights went out everyone was in bed. Everything was quiet.

  
“You ok?” Finn said waving a hand in front of my face that I hadn’t noticed before.

  
“Yeah, Yeah, I’m fine,” I answered, “Why?”

  
“You like checked out dude. You got this look on your face where you just went slack and then…like the lights were on but no one was home for a couple minutes there,” Finn answered me, “You’re sure you’re ok?”

  
“Yeah as ok as I’m going to be,” I answered, “I think I need to find my brothers.”

  
“Teddy is coming this way with them,” Finn said pointing causing me to turn around and look.

  
I turned around and saw James had a tiger mask painted on his face and smiled, “Hey guys, you decided to become a tiger?” I asked him.

  
“No, not really but a guy wanted a picture of me,” He said and I felt my heart start pounding.

  
“What guy?” I asked.

  
“Dude, before you freak out usually he hangs out by the bounce house ok? I didn’t know he was going to be at the face painting station when my mum took them over there,” Teddy said frantic like they had been his responsibility and not mine.

  
“WHO?” I asked again.

  
“My grandpa Lord,” He said shaking his head, “Look I’m sorry ok? He did take a picture of him but…speaking of you met him and he told you to call him by his last name?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “Quinn and Finn already told me what was going on.”

  
“Ok,” Teddy said nodding his head solemnly, “I really am sorry you know? This isn’t ok.”

  
“They aren’t your responsibility they are mine. I should have been there with them if I hadn’t been…it doesn’t matter where I was never mind, I should have been there.”

  
“We don’t need you to watch us we’re old enough to watch ourselves and that guy wasn’t mean. So, he just wanted pictures of us. Now he’s going to go wash it off and we’re going to get in the pool ok?” Matt said.

  
“Ok,” I said, “But these aren’t good people Matt you understand, that right?”

  
“There is nothing wrong with them, they’re nice to me,” He told me as I looked over watching my friends faces of dismay.

  
“Come on, in the pool,” sighed as I got out and went into the kitchen with James washing his face off in the sink.

  
“McGregors,” I heard a voice that made me freeze where I was standing. He wouldn’t. Not here. I kept telling myself that he wouldn’t here. Not in front of my little brother.

  
“Are you ok?” James asked me watching my face as I tried to make myself move, tried to make myself put the paper towel against his face to continue washing off the paint.

  
“Are you two enjoying the party?” Barry asked putting a hand on my shoulder making me tense.

  
“Will?” James asked me his eyes seeming darker and darker like he was getting more and more upset trying to figure out what was wrong with me. What was happening, “Will?”

  
“Hey, it’s ok James, right? He’s just not feeling well is he washing off your face paint so you can go in the pool?” Barry asked him.

 

“Yeah, I can’t go in the pool with it on. Leader said he wanted it for pictures because it made me look handsome and scary so he had the lady paint my face,” James answered him.

  
“Well let’s get it off so you can go swim ok?” Barry said taking another paper towel and leaning over me to wet it in the sink where the water was still running his hand inches from my bothers face before I managed to reanimate.

  
“I’ve got it,” I said rubbing his face maybe a little too hard getting the rest of the pain off.

  
“Ouch!” James said as I scrubbed at his skin a little too roughly getting the last bit off.

  
“Sorry,” I said finding the trash can and walking over to it throwing the paper towel in and grabbing my little brothers hand, “Come on bud let’s go swim ok?”

  
“Ok,” He said.

  
We made it to the door before I felt his hand on my shoulder. I wasn’t ok with this. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to deal with this Ben told me no one would do anything to me here. That I would be ok here and this wasn’t ok. Headmaster Watson wasn’t ok.

  
“Just give me a minute with your big brother ok?” Watson told James who nodded and walked forward through the open sliding glass door before Watson shut it in front of me.

  
“Please don’t,” I said barely above a whisper.

  
“Hey, it’s ok,” He said leaning over me his hands traveling down my arms rubbing slowly against my skin, up and down my forearms and wrists.

  
I felt like my body was made of lead. Like I couldn’t pull away from him even if I wanted to. I didn’t want him touching me anymore.

  
“It’s ok,” He said sniffing the nape of my neck me squeezing my eyes closed as I tried to breathe. This was not good. This was no ok I wanted to scream that at him. To tell him no but I knew better. I knew what no got me. A skull fracture or having my fingers bent backwards the threat of getting them broken as my knuckles creaked under the pressure. As someone threatened to trade me in for one of my brothers.

  
“Why don’t you come with me? We’ll so somewhere private, have some fun?” He mumbled kissing my neck as I balled my hands into fists pinned to my sides just trying to remind myself to breathe. He wouldn’t. Not with everyone here I kept telling myself even though I could my eyes stinging as the tears that wanted to be released teased my tears ducts. Just then someone rapped on the glass in front of us causing my eyes to flutter open my eyes staring into the Cole’s as he sighed opening the door as Barry pulled me back slightly to let him in.

  
“You’re blocking the door,” Cole commented.

  
“We’re sorry,” Barry said his arms wrapping around my waist.

  
“Will, why don’t you go hang with your brothers?” Cole asked me.

  
“He’s with me, aren’t you?” He muttered against the back of my neck.

  
“He’s 10 don’t make me sick Barry,” Cole growled, “Let him go.”

  
“He’s so beautiful though, don’t you think he’s beautiful?” He asked Cole.

  
“It doesn’t matter what I think and you know that very well. do you even have permission? I mean this house is full of people from around the block what if an average comes over here and see’s you hanging on him like this? Notices how tight your shorts are in certain places how are you going to explain that?” Cole asked him.

  
“Feeling brave today Cole?” Barry asked him squeezing me tighter.

  
“Let him go. He’s just a kid,” Cole said.

  
“But he’s prefect. You know how I like it. He can barely breathe it’s hot,” He muttered his hand going up the hem of my shirt.

  
“Please don’t,” I said again, “I don’t want to, please don’t.”

  
“It’s ok beautiful, you want an A for all of your classes? Why don’t you come with me and I’ll show you what you have to do,” he said.

  
“Barry, come on,” Cole sighed doing what I had done the night we have gotten here to draw my father’s attention away from James. Pulling his shirt off and dropping it on the ground. Cole’s body was thin. Lithe his ribs visible but still covered by muscle his hip bone showing just enough through the skin to perk anyone’s interest his muscles thin and long on his abdomen no six pack but still in shape. He was nice looking. Not like me where I was scrawny still very much had a kid’s body. He had a body more like a teen, closer to an adult but not there all the way.

  
It made me want to stop and feel his torso under my hands, feel the texture of the muscles as they moved under his skin. I felt my face flushing as I looked at him Barry’s arms leaving my waist. Cole’s actions grabbing Barry’s attention more than my presence, Cole’s idea working perfectly.

  
“You would do that?” Barry asked him, “But you hate that.”

  
“I do,” He said shrugging his shoulders his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides as if he was channeling all of his anxiety into his fists, “But it’s better than knowing you’re doing it to him. He’s just a kid it’s not right.”

  
“Oh, god you bottom some of you are so…golden not a bad bone in your body,” Barry sighed, “Come on.”

  
Barry gestured with his neck down the hall and Cole sighed following him waving me back towards the sliding glass door telling me to leave. To go outside. I wanted to tell him not to. That I didn’t want to be the reason he let Barry do that to him but there wasn’t time and that wasn’t the place and I knew it.

  
I walked back out and shut the door behind me to find Mike on Finn’s shoulders and Matt on Quinn’s playing chicken while Teddy and Jay cheered them on sitting on the side of the pool their feet dangling in the water. It looked so average it made me smile. Made me forget what had just happened. How I had almost ended up in a room with Barry with his tongue in my ass or worse.

  
“Ok everyone!” We heard someone say into a mega phone, “The food is just about ready if you would like a hot dog I want you to form a line with the green table cloth if you want a hamburger form a line at the table with the blue table cloth and we will serve you accordingly. Anyone under the age of six please have someone assists you with your food and drink. I know you all want to be believe you are big boys and girls but I don’t want ants all over the yard so please allow someone to help you. Now everyone enjoy your meals.”

  
“Hey, James you want go get food with me?” Teddy asked him.

  
“I thought he said we needed an adult?” James frowned.

  
“Well, that’s my grandpa so he might let it slide if you have a me helping instead,” Teddy said, “Hey Will can I take him to get his food?”

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head as Matt finally won the battle of chicken knocking Mike off of Finn’s shoulders and into the pool laughing and clapping his hands in victory and laughing as Quinn reached up and high fived him.

  
“Hey man your brothers are cool dudes,” Finn said laughing.

  
“Yeah, they are,” I agreed, “Who wants hotdogs?”

  
“I’ll take a hotdog,” Matty said.

  
“Hey Matt plug your nose I’m going to dunk you ok?” Quinn said to him.

  
“Ok!” He said before pitching his nose between his thumb and index finger right before Quinn flipped him off his shoulder Matt becoming fully submerged under the water for less than 30 seconds before he bobbed back up to the surface smiling and laughing, “But yeah I want a hotdog.” He told me again not missing a beat.

  
“James said he wants a hotdog,” Teddy told me, “You want me to take these two?”

  
“Mikey what do you want?” I asked him.

  
“Hamburger,” He answered simply.

  
“Of course,” I said laughing lightly, “Yeah you can take those two I’ll get the hamburgler here. Thank you for helping out. Because god knows where Ben is.”

  
I realized my mistake before anyone said anything my face burning. It felt wrong unless I was alone with him almost. Calling him Ben instead of uncle Ben.

  
Quinn smiled sadly at me like he caught the mistake but didn’t mention it, “So what are you having?” He asked me.

  
“Probably a hamburger,” I answered, “I’m not that picky.”

  
“Well I’ll head out with those three and I know Finn is a burger man aren’t you Finn?” Quinn asked him.

  
“Always,” Finn commented using his arms to lift himself out of the pool and went to go dry off.

  
We got in line. Finn, Mike and I and I listened to Finn ask Mike questions about school not really paying attention just watching how everyone seemed happy. Wondering how everyone could seem so happy when they were surrounded by creeps.  
“You ok?” Finn asked me, “You’ve gone quiet again.”

  
“He just does that sometimes,” Mike answered, “Especially when he has a book.”

  
“Speaking of books is yours still interesting?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah I’m almost finished actually. After I’m done I think I might read IT by Stephen King,” I told him.

  
“Woah dude, that’s dark,” Finn said, “Not that it’s bad it’s actually a good book but for a ten-year-old?”

  
“Says the 12-year-old,” I said smiling.

  
“Hey two years can make a lot of difference,” Finn said, “And if you’re reading that in your free time don’t bring it to school it’s a good way to get yourself called into the office.”

  
“Yeah, I don’t want that,” I said my face falling.

  
“Sorry,” Finn said quietly.

  
“About what?” I asked.

  
“Well, you’ve just been off lately and just the way, the look you just gave me it…I reminded you of something and I’m sorry,” Finn clarified.

  
“It’s ok,” I said.

  
“What did he remind you of?” Mike asked me.

  
“Nothing, I’m fine,” I said.

  
It was still bothering me, the feel of his hands on my ass as he did that, as he had me lay there so he could do that. It had been my first time with someone else. And it felt almost like he had stolen it from me. Taken my real first time and ripped it away from me and it was something I could never get back. Because if it was with Da or Ben I could pretend it wasn’t real. Because they were family related to me by blood but, because he was someone else. That made it real.

  
“Oh, yeah you know that thing you asked us about earlier at lunch, I’ll talk about it with you after we eat if you want. We can just go somewhere and chat,” Finn said, “Because you said you wanted to know, that it would make it easier for you and it’ll happen soonish so…”

  
“Yeah, that’d be…well not nice but thank you,” I said as someone handed me a bun and gave me a little bit of fruit salad on the two plates I was holding.

  
The line moved forward and I ended up getting two personal sized bags of crisps as well and asked what Mike wanted on his hamburger and when he said cheese and nothing else I was not even mildly surprised. Where I put mustard and ketchup and mayo on my own. It was a good burger. Even though it would have been considering the neighborhood we lived in where every house was worth 500k or more.

  
We sat down and found a place to eat. Quietly out of the way by a swing set sitting in the grass watching everyone around us mingling and happy. The façade perfectly in place.


	17. Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of the party approaches but things aren't ever easy in the brotherhood especially when there is any type of gathering and you're a bottom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 229 to 241 **Warnings:** Talk of torture, talk of branding,Rape/non-con, dirty humor

After people were finished eating they started to leave in a slow trickle at first a family or two and then it seemed like most families from just around the block were gone and one thing that was noticeable about it was most females had seemed to disappear altogether from the house. More and more of us starting gathering around the pool yet we all stayed in our own groups. I went over to a lounge chair and sat down Cole joining me and Finn a couple minutes later as Quinn and Teddy kept my brothers busy.

  
“So, you want to know about branding?” Finn said.

  
“Yeah, if it’s not too personal,” I said.

  
“Well,” Cole said and then stood up undoing his pants causing me to cover my eyes.

  
“What are you doing?!” I asked.

  
“Relax it’s not that far down that I have to flash you my package I’m just showing you my brand,” Cole said laughing a little at me reaction before he slid his pants down his hips slightly and showed me a scar on his right hip that stood out white and thin on his skin GIII. So, it was a real brand. Like the kind they put on cattle. I looked at it and then he pulled his pants back up.

  
“What happened?” Cole asked out loud more to himself, “They introduced my Dad in as a new member of the brotherhood and then they threw a die like the kind you play board games with. Whatever number comes up is the number of guys that are allowed to…rape you basically. I think my Dad landed a five so huh, it was five. Then they drew stones. Basically, they take the number that the die landed on and they put that number of red stones in the bag and then each person present that’s a five or four depending on who came to the actual ceremony draws a stone until all of the red ones have been drawn. The people with the red stones get to be the ones who…help induct you into the brotherhood. This is excluding the leader he gets to do whatever he wants anyway. And after they rape you they take a brand and put in the fire place and heat it up and then when it’s as hot as they want it to be they press it into your hip.”

  
“It smells sick. I think the smell is the worst part of it. Because after they burn you enough it’s just the skin around it that really hurts but you like can’t feel the brand at all,” Finn said, “Just like the muscle and skin around it are killing you though it’s the worst pain you’ve ever felt. Some people pass out. The smell though is almost like burnt chocolate cooking in pork or lamb fat. It’s sweet but acidy all at once. It makes you want to gag but you’re in way too much pain to really react to it other than scream. Sometimes your whole body starts shaking like it’s cold and then Dr. Palmer or Dr. Huntz will give you a shot that puts you to sleep and when you wake up you’re not shaking anymore really but, it still hurts. After they do it you’ll spend the next day on narco’s and it’ll hurt to move below your waist basically, anything that involves moving your hip even the tiniest bit hurts. But that’s what branding is like.”

  
“For everyone?” I asked.

  
“For everyone,” Cole muttered, “Without fail always the die and always the stones. And then the fucking and the brand.”

  
“It sounds terrifying,” I said.

  
“I’ve seen worse,” Cole said, “What they did to Justin, that was worse.”

  
“Yeah well most of us are luckier than you are,” Finn said.

  
“Or smarter,” Cole snorted.

  
“For now,” Finn answered, “You don’t know. They keep us away from girls what else are we supposed to do? We can’t go through this alone. We need people we feel comfortable with and when girls aren’t around that turns into other guys and being comfortable turns into friendships which sometimes turn into other things because you’re just desperate for some type of connection, any connection.”

  
“Are you saying you’re going to go gay?” Cole asked Finn a shit eating grin on his face.

  
“NO, I’m saying I understand the choice,” Finn said shrugging his shoulders, “And if I did does it matter? I mean honestly you’re gayer than Elton John.”

  
“No one’s gay is more powerful than Elton John’s to start,” Cole said, “Second it doesn’t matter I just…I like younger guys so…if you were interested…”

  
“Thank you but, I’m good and I feel confident in that answer,” Finn said.

  
“Suit yourself, I’m not into force and coercion so…” Cole shrugged his shoulders.

  
“Well, I would hope most of us wouldn’t be,” I added, “considering the circumstances.”

  
“You would hope but that’s not always the case little lighting bug,” Cole said, “I mean take fucking Chad Merrick and his assholes, Cliff, Flynn, Chuck…all Recruit track and …someone else who…?” Cole looked at Finn.

  
“I told him, he knows my brother is one,” Finn said, “Lucky I’m not his type. My hair isn’t light enough and I’m not thin enough.”

  
“Yeah lucky you,” Cole muttered, “Speaking of Chester’s and their preferences how the fuck did you end up alone with him again Will? You need to stay away from him ok?”

  
“Who?” Finn asked.

  
“Watson,” Cole answered.

  
“I was washing face paint off my brother ok? He snuck up on me and I…froze.”

  
“Yeah you looked like a fucking human ice cube. You’re so lucky he didn’t just pick you up because he could you know. You realize that?” Cole continued his lecture.

  
“Look, I didn’t even know he was here. I didn’t realize they were all over the house and I especially didn’t realize he was here. I mean I realize he doesn’t live at the fucking school but still.” I said.

  
“Woah, that’s a mouth,” Cole said, “Where the fuck did you pick that up from? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you fucking swear before.”

  
“Probably from you,” I answered, “It would have been nice to have a better warning about him before he cornered me the other day you realize? Because now it’s a little late.”

  
“Wait headmaster Watson is here?” Finn asked.

  
“Totally,” Cole said, “You didn’t know?”

  
“No, I had no idea he was here. Like doesn’t he have better stuff to do?”

  
“Not today I guess,” Cole said.

  
“Wait so on Thursday did he…?” Finn looked at me his eyes wide.

  
“Do I have to tell you?” I asked him.

  
“No, but you know I won’t tell anyone if you want to,” Finn answered.

  
“He decided to…,” I put my hands up in loose fists in front of me not sure how I wanted to put it and Finn smiled like he was trying not to laugh before he said.

  
“What touch your tits? Are you hiding something man?”

  
“No,” I shook my head.

  
“Barry has a penchant for eating ass,” Cole spit out his face going as red as mine felt.

  
“Oh,” Finn said his smile falling, “I’m sorry.”

  
“I just I’ve never…not with someone besides them. My Da and my Uncle,” I said having to close my eyes as I inhaled deeply pressing on my eye lids for a minute.

  
“That really sucks,” Finn said, “Seriously I’m sorry.”

  
“It’s not your fault,” I said, “You didn’t do it.”

  
“No but I made fun of you for not spitting it out. For having a hard time saying it and that’s not cool I’m sorry,” Finn said.

  
“Well you have to admit it did look like I was grabbing some tits,” I said and Cole and Finn both smiled with me, “We have to get laughs where we can right?”

  
“True,” Cole said and Finn nodded his head in agreement, “However it means we have a rancid sense of humor sometimes.”

  
“Oh, yeah you remember that one time someone who was it, that I ran into at the store? You and someone else, right?” Finn asked.

  
“Pat and I,” Cole answered his eyes lighting up like he was about to start laughing again.

  
“Yeah but anyway I was at the deli with my dad right and he was looking at Watson’s roast beef at the deli counter and Pat made this face and goes I don’t want Watson’s meat and you like died. You started laughing so hard you fell down taking the free sample stand with you.” he started laughing so hard he couldn’t speak.

  
“Yeah and I was like Pat chill it’s not really Watson’s that’s just the name, it’s roast beef,” Cole said starting to laugh too as Finn started calming down enough to breathe again.

  
“And I like didn’t get it and I was the only one like my Dad even laughed about it and I was so clueless and then I think it was Pat just like patted me on the shoulder and he looked at me all serious like and then he said…”

  
“It’s ok just trust me you don’t want that meat,” Cole sputtered laughing, “And that just gave you the weirdest look on your face. It was good.”

  
“Yeah so then you fell over again,” Finn said, “And then my Dad said, well you might not want Watson’s meat but…”

  
“I don’t mind it!” Cole crowed cutting Finn off laughing so hard he had tears rolling down his cheeks.

  
“So, you’re saying you had a conversation that was basically a giant dick joke about our headmaster?” I asked them.

  
“Yeah pretty much,” Finn said, “I do believe Cole explained it to me later and then I understood why the whole thing was so funny but yeah.”

  
“Who is Pat?” I asked.

  
“He’s like my brother pretty much,” Cole answered.

  
“If he’s like your brother why haven’t I met him?” I asked.

  
“He’s been…away,” Cole answered, “Hopefully he’ll be back soon but…yeah. God, I fucking miss him right now.”

  
“I know,” Finn said, “I wish I had a brother that wasn’t tracked. He’d be a lot more fun.”

  
“Yeah,” Cole said, “That would be nice. I’m just glad I’m too old for him. However, we’re going to have to watch out for Will here.”

  
“Oh, Will is a shiny new toy everyone wants him,” Finn said, “You should have heard the stuff they were saying about all of them when I walked by the cigar room earlier it was nasty.”

  
“What were they saying?” I asked my stomach dropping.

  
“Don’t worry about it ok?” Finn said, “It’s nothing you can change or help so don’t worry about it.”

  
“No, you need to tell me, you mentioned it so you need to tell me,” I said.

  
“Well I heard something about John I’m assuming that’s your older brother that I haven’t met someone said something about how he’s sweet in a very not g-rated way. And then something about a personalized glove someone’s ass feels like a personalized glove. There was also talk of going slow so someone didn’t get ripped and after that I kind of tuned out because the whole thing was making me sick to my stomach. They talk about us like we’re animals or rides or something, not people. It was like all shop. Someone said they wanted to be the first one to come calling when someone either you or John was “marked” or branded. Also said something about someone being ball crushing tight which is usually…”

  
Cole cut Finn off, “Someone younger. Unless they work the younger kids open it can rip them up. Bad really bad.”

  
“So, one of my little brothers?” I asked them.

  
“Probably,” Finn said nodding his head, “It’s…it’s the way it is.”

  
“And I still haven’t seen any of them so like do I wait for my uncle to show up or…?” I sighed.

  
“Before you can leave?” Cole asked, “Yeah I would wait out here. You don’t want to go in there when they are talking like that. Especially when you’re the topic of conversation. It doesn’t bode well.”

  
“Yeah, you can just like hang out here,” Finn said.

  
I looked at the pool to see what my brothers were doing and saw Jay playing with a bucket on the steps of the pool with another boy around his age with dark brown shaggy hair and slight tan almost like a small Teddy. They were the only two boys that were younger than eight and it was easy to tell they were under eight with Ted keeping a close eye on them while he watched my other brothers with Quinn.

  
“That’s Luke?” I asked.

  
“Who?” Cole asked turning to look, “The little guy? Yeah. That would be Luke.”

  
“They look so little,” I said frowning, “I don’t get how…”

  
“Don’t even try,” Cole said, “It’s sick and that’s all there is to it. To find that sexually attractive is beyond nasty. They’re literally just babies. There is nothing sexy about that. There isn’t really anything sexy about you, no offense.”

  
“None taken,” I said.

  
I thought it was only my uncle that found me sexy. Because there was something wrong with him. I couldn’t imagine anyone else ever finding me even remotely attractive besides him and perverts like him and my Da. And even if they did I couldn’t imagine them wanting to hold my hand or kiss me. Because I’d be used. Gross and dirty by the time it happened.

  
“How on earth are you so young and in the 6th grade?” Finn asked me, “I know you’re like 10, right?”

  
“I’m smart,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I haven’t questioned it really.”

  
“The only thing I’m questioning is where…” Cole started to say as he heard the sliding glass door open, “There are some.”

  
Everyone in the pool area went dead silent and turned to see who it was. It was several of them most of them people I didn’t know but Ben was in the group of them along with Barry and Tip and Mr. Lord. I didn’t know what to think but they were all looking at me. I knew this was bad. Whatever this was it wasn’t going to be something I liked.

  
“Dad what’s up?” Cole said to one of the other men standing in the group, looking up from where he was sitting next to me.

  
“Well,” His dad said, “We were told we could do a pick your bottom. So…”

  
“Oh,” Cole said as and bunch of boys huffed before getting out of the pool and standing up in a line in front of the men as Cole grabbed my arm gently.

  
“What’s going on?” I asked.

  
“It’s where they decide who they want to give a lesson to and then go into a room and…” Cole trailed off.

  
“Ben? You didn’t!” I said walking right up to him looking at him, “You can’t they’re only little. Please don’t tell me you did.”

  
“I did not I don’t have permission to throw them into the draw. Only you,” he said.

  
I sighed. I felt better that he couldn’t force them into it even if he could still make me do it. I didn’t want my little brothers doing that. I didn’t think it was fair to them to ask them to let dirty old men hurt them.

  
“Thank you,” I said so quietly no one could hear and he smiled and hugged me burying his face in my shoulder.

  
“You’re very welcome it just means you’ll owe me ok? Nothing between us two until Monday or Tuesday night still. I want you just try and be calm ok?” Ben said and I nodded my head standing back in line between Cole and Finn.

  
“Ok for those of you who are new I’ll explain the rules and what you can expect,” Mr. Lord said, “You will close your eyes and when someone grabs your hand you will allow them to lead you away into a room of their choosing and you will lay down for them where ever they want you to. You will let them strip you and as long as they use a condom they can mount you if they so please. They have one and half hours do to with you whatever they like. You will not tell them no, you will not tell them to stop or what to do unless they give you permission to do so. If you can’t follow these rules you will be punished and you won’t like that punishment.”

  
“Me too Papa?” Luke asked in a tiny timid voice from somewhere in the area.

  
“No, my boy,” The leader said going over to Luke and grabbing his hand, “No you are much too young to play this game. As are you James I believe your name is am I right?”

  
“Yes sir,” James said not looking him in the eyes,

  
“Anyone under nine is excluded today.”

  
I felt several boys even older boys sigh with relief as a couple of boys stepped back from the group. Probably older brothers and cousins of some of the younger kids feeling relieved that they didn’t have to be subjected to it. Be subjected to the insanity of someone touching them that way. At least not for today.

  
“Ok now everyone else close your eyes and don’t open them. Take the hand of the person who grabs yours and we’ll see what happens,” he said.

  
I didn’t know what was going on. I think people were being grabbed up one at a time in silence like a weird dance but I don’t have any idea because my eyes were closed eventually I felt someone’s hand slide down my arm and they entwined their fingers with mine and I allowed them to lead me off like I was told I had to keeping my eyes shut tight not sure I wanted to move, wanted this person to take me anywhere. We paused briefly and then started walking again and I heard a door shut behind me before they kissed my lips gently.

  
Their lips felt old and dry. Not like Uncle Ben’s lips that were full and moist and young. So, I knew it wasn’t him, which made my anxiety that much worse. I had no idea who this was and I was trying so hard to keep my eyes closed as they reached down and unlaced the draw string on my swim trunks them falling loose to the ground leaving me exposed below the waist.

  
“You can open your eyes now,” he said and I knew who it was.

  
It was Mr. Lord. So, they had been right. Him being nice to me had not been a good thing at all. I didn’t want to do this with him.

  
“It’s ok,” he said smiling at me rubbing a stray tear away from under my eye, “You are a beautiful thing, aren’t you? How old are you darling boy?”

  
“10,” I answered quietly.

  
“You’re lovely for 10,” he said simply his hands running up and down my arms, “Can you tell me if you’ve had sex before?”

  
I nodded my head in response finding it hard to breathe. He was going to rape me. He was going to push me down and rape me and I knew it.

  
“it’s ok just breathe, just breathe nice and slow ok?” he said as he grabbed the hem of my shirt and started exposing my stomach me not fighting him when he lifted it over my head and dropped it on the ground, “You’re really beautiful.”

  
I didn’t know what to do or say so, I said and did nothing. I was scared of him. His paper-thin hands running along my skin up and down my torso as he looked into my eyes. It felt like he was trying to read my soul. Pull something from me that I wasn’t sure I wanted to give up to him. Seeking an answer I wasn’t ready to utter.

  
“You’re a good boy, aren’t you?” he asked me. Taking my hand again and leading me over to a bed where he sat down and took off his shirt.

  
His chest hair was white. I had never seen someone with that much chest hair. All white and covering his speckled and age spotted chest. He didn’t look like a frail old man but he was old. I remember thinking that. That I had never been with anyone like that before. Not all the way especially when he took off his pants and I had to bite my lips to keep myself silent. To make sure I followed the rules and didn’t get in trouble.

  
“Shhh, can you tell me why you’re crying beautiful?” he asked me rubbing my tears away with his thumbs again frowning at me as he patted the space beside him telling me to sit down on the bed.

  
“I…I’ve never…,” I could feel my whole body shaking. Not even sure what I was trying to tell him.

  
That even though Headmaster Watson had touched me I’d never had sex with someone that wasn’t my Da or Uncle? That this was going to be my first time with someone else completely. That I was afraid it was going to hurt because it usually hurt at least a little bit. That I wasn’t sure how he was going to start and it scared the ever-loving shit out of me?

  
“I know little one, I talked to your uncle I’ll go gentle I promise,” he said running his hands over my neck and collar bone, “So delicate. Such a pretty little thing.” He murmured before pressing his lips against my sternum making my eyes go wide as he slowly forced me to lay down using his body weight.

  
I wanted to scream at him, beg him to stop. That I wasn’t ok with this that I would rather it was Ben because I knew Ben and I didn’t know him. I was panicking and I knew I wasn’t supposed to say anything to do anything but what I was told as a little gasp escaped me; as I started to sob silently looking up at the canopy of lace above me.

  
“Ok hold on, hold on,” He said pulling me back up into a sitting position, “Can you tell me why you’re so nervous? It is because it’s your first time without your Dad or Uncle? Because you’re not sure?”

  
I nodded my head, “I... I... I’m ss-scared,” I answered my whole body shaking.

  
“I can tell your whole body is so tense little one, you’re shaking like a little leaf caught in a storm. It’s ok though. I’m going to go very slow and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure I don’t hurt you. I promise it’s going to be ok little one. I swear to you it’ll be ok,” he told me barely speaking above a whisper, “take a deep breath and just lay back and try to relax. Here,” he said taking my hands and putting them on the back of his neck as he straddled my hips my legs still dangling off the end of the bed, “Just keep your hands right there and I’m going to kiss you ok? Just your neck just a little bit. Keep your hands right there. Don’t move them.”

  
I nodded my head closing my eyes trying to relax my body finding the task impossible but somehow managing to not keep my neck and back so stiff as he lowered his head to my shoulder my hands staying on his shoulder near the back of his neck as he leaned down a laid a soft peck on my collar bone at first moving up to my jaw the kiss becoming harder before I felt his tongue lapping against the skin of my neck causing every muscle in my body to tense in rebellion from the tips of my toes to my knees and thighs pushing themselves together and clenching as hard as I could as that weird static tickle started along the base of my skull moving down my spine as his fingers traveled down the sides of my rib cage slowly.

  
I wanted to tell him to stop. To push him away screaming and I felt like I couldn’t like what he had said of punishment wasn’t a threat but a promise. That he was going to do something really bad if I made him angry. As he nibbled at my neck and jaw bone and ear lobe causing me to squirm and wiggle underneath him while I panted. Until he pulled away cupping my face gently in his hands.

  
“It feels good, doesn’t it? All those little tingles huh? Makes it hard to sit still I bet doesn’t it little one?” He murmured running a hand through my hair.

  
I remember being more scared of how it was going to feel than the act itself. More afraid of how my body was going to react to it than whether it was going to truly hurt or not because at that point it always hurt. That first push into me. It was after it stopped hurting that I was dreading. How he would take that as an excuse to do it again if he wanted to. Not that he needed any but in my 10-year-old brain I believed it was a logical thought. That if my body didn’t give them an excuse to keep doing those things to me that they would stop.

  
That my body showing that it felt even a little bit of pleasurable tickles or tingles that they thought that meant it was ok to keep doing it. Because my 10-year-old brain couldn’t understand the fact that they weren’t looking for excuses. They didn’t need to have excuses for doing it they just did it because they wanted to. Because they thought it was fun and that it felt good to them regardless of how it felt to the kids they were subjecting to it.

  
“It’s ok little one,” he said going back to kissing my shoulder and neck his fingers continuing to prod slowly at my skin as I closed my eyes trying to keep myself quiet. Trying to feign calm, “I know it feels weird but you’ll get used to it. Just let yourself feel me.”

  
His kisses started moving away from my shoulder and neck lower again into my collar bone onto my chest making my breath catch, trapping it there under his mouth and tongue. His teeth pulling at my nipple making me bite into my bottom lip to keep myself from screaming out, turning my scream into a small whimper that I couldn’t hold back as I squirmed under his hands running up and down my sides going past my hips and rubbing my outer thighs.

  
“It’s ok little one,” he said unlatching from my skin, “You’re doing so good. I know this must be scary never having gone far with anyone but your Dad and Uncle it’s ok though you’re doing lovely. You’re so…amazing, so sweet.”

  
He laid light kisses down my chest his face getting closer and closer to my penis. My tiny underdeveloped body responding just the way he wanted it to making me close my eyes wishing he would just stop. That maybe by some miracle he would change his mind about raping me, about touching me and just stop so that I didn’t have to beg. So, that I didn’t have to scream the words at him, the words that struggled so hard to free themselves from behind my lips like a trapped rabid animal fighting its confinement.

  
I really did want to scream. I locked my joints together my knees knocking against each other as my muscles jerked and shook from being contracted so tightly for so long. My breath sharp and painful causing my lungs to feel almost like they were burning as I forced the air in and out of my body.

“Just relax little one, I don’t want it to hurt but if you don’t relax it will,” He sighed into the skin above my belly button his words making me jump as they broke the silence causing him to chuckle lightly, “I didn’t mean to scare you but, you need to relax.”

  
Each one of my screams I had I tried to put into a muscle to keep it from escaping but, he was right. If I didn’t relax it would hurt more when he finally penetrated me. Which the condom on the night stand made clear he was planning to do.

  
“You need to relax, let me help a little huh?” he said grabbing a hold of my shaft and starting to rub a small whine making it past my lips that were tightly closed.

  
Why wouldn’t he stop? I remember thinking that. That it was clear I didn’t like it, didn’t want it and yet he wouldn’t stop. His hands going there trying to get a decent hold on my base and finding it hard to do the way he was sitting moving and prying my thighs apart with his cold dry, aged hands so he could sit in-between them sliding his legs under mine, his thighs brushing up against the back of my knees.

  
“You’re lucky I’m still a bit flexible otherwise this position might hurt,” He said leaning back rubbing me with his hand, “I bet you taste good, don’t you? Your Uncle said you can cum now but that it’s still new, still fresh.”

  
I wasn’t sure if he expected an answer from me or not before he leaned over me hunching his back and licking my tip causing me to scream before slamming my hand over my mouth. He said to be quiet. That I had to be quiet and I was trying. I was trying so hard because to me punishment was never a word I liked hearing because it made me fear what the consequences of disobeying would be.

  
He looked at the fear in my eyes and smiled going back to rubbing, “It’s ok little one. Just don’t use words. You can make little sounds. I like little sounds,” he said.

  
I still wasn’t sure if I trusted him. If making sounds was ok. I felt weird having him touch me. Having him rub me slowly between his fingers not even really using his hands but just his index finger and thumb to rub me until it almost hurt.

  
“You can let go little one, just relax let it happen and you’ll feel so much better, your body will go slack and it’ll be that much better for both of us ok? “he said before shifting his position again engulfing me in his mouth balls and all making me whimper. I was not ok with this.

  
He rolled his tongue along my tip, my slit in his mouth before playing with the vein along the back of my shaft sending me shuttering over the edge, breathless and hating myself. Hating that I had given this creepy old man exactly what he wanted. Given him the ability to make me orgasm shooting into his mouth as he made sucking sounds drinking every drop my body tensing to the point where it couldn’t tense anymore before my whole system went slack because it was numb from the effort of pushing, of releasing.

  
“That’s my good little one,” he said kissing my neck and chest again as he leaned over me his hands doing something else and I felt barely conscious like I was about to pass out before I felt his finger slid in making me gasps as I tried to tense, to make it harder for him and I found that my muscles, my body didn’t want to work anymore which allowed him easy access to my insides which burned slightly at the intrusion.

  
“Oww,” I said trying to move my legs trying to cut off his access as his finger started moving inside me.

  
“I know little one, I know it’s ok. We just have to work you open ok? I know it feels uncomfortable but it will make it easier make it feel better if we do this first ok?” he said as he slowly added another finger making the pressure grow making it hurt more before he stopped moving.

  
“You know how beautiful you are? How many people would love you if you let them? Make you feel really nice,” he starting moving his fingers sending that static up my spine making me exhale through my mouth because it hurt but it hit that spot that always made me feel frozen.

  
I moaned loudly before I could stop myself. My face flushing red with embarrassment at not being able to stop the noise as his fingers brushed against that spot repeatedly. I remember it hurting but that spark or static being overwhelming at the same time as he moved his fingers guiding them in and out of me. Him raping me with his fingers making it hard for me to breathe as he pressed forward into me.

  
“That’s it my little one, relax. Just relax your body will enjoy it that’s a good boy, that’s a good little boy,” He murmured resting his head into my shoulder as he moved his fingers in a scissoring motion opening me up. Taking his time to make sure I was stretched before he stopped.

  
He picked up the small square golden package and ripped it with his teeth before he stood up taking his boxers off and pulling out the small rubber circle sliding it over his hardness that looked way too big to fit into me as I finally found it in me to move, found the strength to try and get away him grabbing my ankle causing me to freeze again.

  
“Don’t go anywhere little one, I promise it’ll feel good. Like what I just did only 100 times better. You can make all the yummy little sounds you want just no words ok?” He said as he grabbed the back of my knees pulling me back towards the end of the bed before I felt him squirt something cold against my hole and he did the same thing with the tube he was holding smearing the gel on his penis.

  
“Ok I need you to take a nice big deep breath in…” he said as he pushed in a little bit before sliding back out making me gasps because it hurt. It felt like someone trying to shove a hand up my ass. Which was probably why he only pushed in a little and pulled out, pushing in a little further each time until he was balls deep in me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  
“You’re Uncle was right little one, just like a glove, molds perfectly,” he said both of us as still as we could be. Me because I didn’t want to hurt and him probably because he really didn’t want to cause me anymore pain than he had to.

  
I wanted to tell him to stop but he had stated no words. Words meant he would tell Ben or my Da and bad things would happen. If that was even possible but I was sure they would find a way to make my life worse if I didn’t do what I was told no matter who was telling me to do it. He pulled out before rolling his hips forward pushing back into me.

  
“AHH,” I moaned from both pain and pleasure as both shot through my nervous system confusing my brain.

  
“Yeah? Is that it?” He questioned repeating the movement before speeding up his thrusts my body at his mercy just wanting him to finish, wanting it all to be over.

  
“MMMM,” I whined before I felt a warmness fill me my whole body twitching as it contracted around the feeling of him bumping against my prostate the feeling of peeing hitting me hard as I felt something wet and sticky coat my stomach.

  
His whole body tensed above mine as he shoved his tongue in my mouth grabbing the back of my neck forcefully forcing my back to arch curling me almost into a ball making me hold that position so he could lick my tonsils only breaking away from me when he no longer felt he could get air from what I could guess due to his heavy breathing.

  
“That’s it little one, god that was good, beautiful so sweet,” He said pulling out making me hiss in pain as he did so my muscles not willing to let go causing the act to burn.

  
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if I should move or not my butt hurting. He had gone slow enough that any pain I felt was the usual slow burning that I felt after someone raped me. It wasn’t sharp or immediate but more of a slow dull burn like skinning your knee and it was never comfortable.

  
“We’re done little one, do you need help getting dressed? Do you have anything to say? You can speak now,” He said looking at me.

  
“It hurts,” I said not wanting to look him in the eyes, not wanting to see his reaction.

  
“It wasn’t all painful and it’s just a little sore. A little used it’s not going to hurt forever. I didn’t cause you any real pain. And think of it this way, your pain made me feel so good and that’s going to make both your Da and Ben so happy. You understand that, right?” He said and I nodded my head looking at the blanket I was clutching in my right hand.

  
The blanket on the bed he’d raped me on. I didn’t bother to try and cover myself or be shy. He’d already seen all of me so there was no point. Just like there wasn’t ever any point of hiding myself from Da or from Ben because they’d already seen every inch of my skin already touched every cell of me they could reach. I wanted to ask him why me. Why he had chosen me out of all the boys standing in that line with their eyes closed hoping no one picked them.

  
“It’s ok. Think of all the things you can ask them for that they will probably give you. If you give a little you’ll get a lot more in return little one I promise. You can have anyone you want kissing your feet, begging you for just a minute of your time. Your Da and I, our friends we can teach you all of those things. We can teach you do use that ability so you’ll never want for anything because people will give you whatever you ask for,” he said rubbing the back of my neck as I looked at the navy-blue comforter still clutched neatly in my fingers tiny bunches of the fabric poking out between my closed knuckles.

  
I didn’t want those things. I didn’t want someone who would want me because I felt good, or tasted good as they liked to tell me I did. Because I was beautiful. I wanted someone to want to hold my hand because I was me. Because I could be something else other than that. Even though I was beginning to think those were the only reasons that anyone would ever want me.

  
“Oh, don’t cry little one, these are good things, things that should make you happy. Can you tell me why you’re crying?” He asked me cupping my cheek making me look at him.

  
“I’m cold,” I answered simply not sure what else to say. That I was scared of him. Of what he was going to say, to do next? Afraid he was going to decide he wasn’t done that he wasn’t going to let me leave.

  
“Oh, that’s an easy fix little one,” He said, “Here let me help.”

  
He held out my shirt like he was ready to put it over my head instead of handing it to me to put on myself. I had been dressing myself for ages and thought it was weird. Weird that he wanted to put my clothes on when usually Ben left me to do that by myself. When I had been dressing not only myself but younger siblings for at least two years. I put my arms out and he put my shirt on and then he slid my trunks on my ankles and asked me to step down into them where he tied the drawn string for me and then he gave me a kiss on the cheek and opened the door.


	18. Eightenn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will meets Teddy's mom and finds out that some people apparently have very different ideas of what is ok and no ok moral behavior. She also tells him a little bit about what is wrong with Matthew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 241-254. This is actually interesting considering there is no rape in this chapter at all. Probably the first chapter in the whole series I think where it's not actively happening. This chapter however does talk heavily about brain washing and pedophilia. many types of offending pedophiles or child molesters will justify their behaviors as harmless and even "loving" towards children which studies have shown is never the case. So heavy warnings there. **Warnings:** Brain washing, grooming, Mental illness, feelings of guilt and shame, talk of child sexual abuse, mentions of priest abuse,

I knew as I moved I was walking stiff, with a limp because I always did after one of them was done. My body only had so much give to it before it felt used because I wasn’t exactly a big kid. I was taller than most for my age but I was thin just a tiny about of baby fat around my tummy causing me to have the round childlike appearance that appealed to a couple different people in my life that were present at the time.

  
He took me back out to the pool area. My brothers were sitting with a severe looking woman her hair tied up in a tight bun as she sat at the kid sized picnic table and talked to them. Matty looking up and waving as he saw me walking towards them.

  
“You’re William?” She asked me.

  
“Yes,” I said nodding my head.

  
“I’m Susan Teddy and Luke’s mom,” she said to me smiling holding out her hand that I shook, “I see you met my Dad did he treat you ok?”

  
“I…” I stopped thinking about what Teddy had said that his mom was screwed up. That she was like they were. I just nodded my head.

  
“You look a little sore,” she noted, “That’s normal though if you’re not used to different people, come here and sit,” She said grabbing one of the cushions on a longue chair and moving it to the lower end that was near the picnic table.

  
“Thanks,” I said sitting down on it slowly.

  
“So, we were talking,” she said gesturing to my brothers, “Matty says you seem to be confused?”

  
“Oh?” I asked not remotely interested in her opinion of me.

  
“He said that you think they’re hurting you on purpose,” she said.

  
“Well, it hurts,” I answered.

  
“But have you told your brothers it feels good too?” She asked me, shocking me, “Don’t you want them to understand that it’s not all painful but that sometimes it can be very pleasurable?”

  
I felt my face going red. How could she know? Why did she think it was ok to ask me that? It didn’t feel fair.

  
“It’s ok to tell them you know. You don’t want them to be scared, right?” She asked me.

  
“It’s not…” I wasn’t sure how to continue. Tell her it wasn’t ok when she was just as crazy as they all were and she thought it was ok? Would she tell my Da and Ben that I said that and get me in trouble? I didn’t know what to say.

  
“It’s not what? You can tell me anything I promise I won’t tell ok?” She said quietly.

  
“I don’t think it feels good just…weird,” I answered.

  
“Weird as in the tightness in your belly? The tickly feeling you get in your penis and tummy?” she asked me and I nodded my head not sure what to say or how she could understand that’s what happened.

  
“That’s called an orgasm,” she said, “And there is nothing wrong with it. It means your body likes it and that you should enjoy it. Relax into it and let it happen and it will feel even better. It’s your Dad’s way of showing that he loves you, that he cares about you. Same thing with your uncle don’t you want them to show your brothers that?”

  
“But what if I don’t want them to make me feel that?” I asked her.

  
“Well, they’re adults and you’re a child and they know what’s best for you,” she said, “Maybe you need to let go of control a little bit and allow them to teach you. To show you how much they care about you. And let them show your brothers how much your brothers matter to them too without confusing them. They’re just young you know. They can get confused easy.”

  
“I don’t get confused easy,” Matty said looking up from where he was coloring.

  
“That’s because you’re special remember Matty? I told you that earlier,” she said smiling at him.

  
“Yeah yeah,” he sighed picking his crayon back up like the conversation had already started boring him.

  
“You know what’s wrong with him?” I asked her.

  
She was a psychologist. If there was something wrong with Matty’s mind and I was positive there was, she would know what it would be. Where Mikey was light and happy and rainbows and sunshine Matty was everything else. Matty was the dark that was so deep a night light didn’t do anything to relieve it, the bats and the wolves that lived in the darkness. If they had been magical creatures Mike would have been a fairy where Matty would have been a vampire.

  
I knew there was something wrong with him. Something more than just him being different. He thrived on other people’s anxiety and pain and I could see it. I could see it in just the little things. The way if you weren’t looking he would sometimes pull Mike’s hair when they were babies or how when he was two he had the bad habit of biting James or Mike and then laughing as they started to cry. Just little things that suggested he was off, that something wasn’t right.

  
“There is nothing wrong with him per say, he’s just different and that’s ok isn’t that right Matty?” She asked him.

  
“Yeah, I’m ok,” he said shrugging his shoulders not bothering to look up.

  
“I know he’s different,” I answered, “I take care of them a lot you know?”

  
“I’ve been told and James and Mike and Matty all agree you’re a very good big brother,” she said, “Even if you do confuse them a little bit.”

  
“Da is keeping John locked in his bedroom so he can rape him. You think that’s normal?” I hissed at her surprising myself with my bravery.

  
“What’s rape?” James asked.

  
“It’s when…” Susan started to answer his question but I cut her off.

  
“It’s when Da puts his penis in you and it hurts. It’s when he puts his mouth on your penis and it feels funny and not good and she’s telling me and you guys that it’s ok for them to do that when you don’t want it to happen do you believe she’s telling you the truth?” I asked James.

  
“No,” James said his eyes wet, “Are they going to do it more? I don’t want them too.”

  
“Will quit it,” Matty said without looking up, “We’re coloring right now and I don’t want to listen to him cry.”

  
“Come here Jay, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you,” I said holding out my arms as he wiped at his cheeks with his little fist and came over to me hugging me.

  
“They aren’t really going to do that, are they?” He asked me whispering the question in my ear.

  
“William, you didn’t need to scare him,” Susan said watching me.

  
“It’s not normal,” I insisted.

  
“Says who?” She asked me.

  
“Says everyone. Says every book on psychology I’ve ever seen, every book on science did you know that having that type of attraction to someone your related to by blood is an anomaly?” I asked her.

  
“That’s a big word for a ten-year-old and what would you know about psychology that someone like me with a doctorate wouldn’t know better?” She asked me.

  
“I may be ten but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I was raised for this and I know that but that doesn’t mean I have to accept it or like it,” I told her.

  
“If you were really that intelligent than you wouldn’t say anything to make your Dad upset. You would allow him to teach your brothers and raise them the way he wants to raise them. He is the one in charge after all,” she said.

  
“He might be in charge of what happens to them but that doesn’t mean he gets to control the way they think and feel,” I said, “It’s not right. You know it’s not right.”

  
“I know society says it’s not right and that you were exposed to that type of thinking early on so you believe it’s not right as well but your brothers here have chance to accept it. To embrace it and you’re trying to take that away from them,” she said, “Why would you want to take happiness away from them? To make them aware that everyone views their lifestyle as wrong their Dad and Uncle as criminals? It doesn’t have to be that way.”

  
“Da’s a criminal?” Mikey said watching us, listening to us while he frowned in confusion.

  
“No, your Dad is not a criminal but there a plenty of people who want to think he is. He’s just doing what’s best for you. Teaching you things that will help you and some people think the way he does that is wrong. It’s not wrong for everyone though do you understand Michael?” She asked him.

  
“I think so,” he answered her.

  
“Good, why don’t you pick out a picture to color for your mom? I’m sure that would make her and the babies feel so welcome and at home when they get here,” she said to him smiling.

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head.

  
“Hey bud,” I said shaking Jay’s shoulder lightly as he leaned against me, “Why don’t you do the same huh? It’s a good idea I think.”

  
“Ok, he won’t do it again will he?” James asked me again.

  
“Well,” I stopped and thought about how to answer, “I can promise you both John and I will do everything we can to try and make sure Da doesn’t hurt you like that again.”

  
“Because you love me?” James asked me.

  
“Yes, because I love you. Very much,” I said feeling like I was about to start crying knowing that what I could do would never be enough to keep him safe. Feeling like I had failed him before I had really tried, “Now go draw mom a picture while I have a talk with the nice lady ok?”

  
“Ok,” James said hugging me and getting up and going to the picnic table taking a seat while I stood up and she followed me.

  
“What exactly do you think you know William?” She asked me.

  
“That what they are doing is wrong,” I said, “That I don’t want it and I’ve made it very clear I don’t want it and that if they cared about me they would listen to me.”

  
“That’s not true. They are the adults they know what’s best for you. And I’m Dr. Larkin by the way,” she told me, “Even if you think it’s wrong why tell your brothers that it is? Why ruin their childhood the way they view their father, the world? You know you can’t change this for them. I saw that you know it in your face when you said that to him that you would do everything you could to make sure your dad didn’t “hurt” him like that again. You know after you get used to it, it doesn’t hurt anymore. That it feels good much more often than it hurts.”

  
“So, they keep telling me but that doesn’t make it any easier and you know how I know it’s wrong? It’s not because someone told me it’s because I heard my older brother screaming bloody murder one night and I saw what my uncle was doing to him. It did not look like it felt good, it didn’t sound anywhere near something that felt good. I was six,” I spit at her, “There is nothing you can tell me that will ever make me think it’s ok to do something like this to somebody especially when they are begging the person on top of them to stop.”

  
“Do you ask them to stop?” She asked me.

  
“What?” I asked confused by the question.

  
“Do you ask them to stop?” She asked me again.

  
I had to stop and think about it. I wasn’t allowed to tell them to stop. To say no or don’t. To do those things, use those words would get me hurt or worse one of my little brothers hurt and that was something I felt I could never afford. I could never allow me to put them in that kind of danger. Put them at risk of feeling that pain. Especially when I knew how violent uncle Ben could be not just because of the way he treated me once when I went for a walk but because of how he had treated John in the past.  
“I’m not allowed to,” I answered.

  
“You aren’t allowed to or you’re afraid of what will happen if you do because either way the fact that you don’t ask them to stop says that you want it to happen. Don’t you think not telling them what you are and are not ok with might confuse them? They are after all just human even if they are the adult and you are the child. Do you think maybe you’re not being clear about what you want and they are just doing what they think you want? Because I’m sure your body says yes,” she told me.  
My chest felt tight. Was she right? Was the fact that I didn’t say no enough to make it ok for them to hurt me? To give them permission?  
I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. I was done talking to her. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was asking for it. How were they supposed to know that I didn’t want it, that it wasn’t ok when I was hard and I wasn’t telling them to stop, wasn’t saying no?  
“So, I have a point?” She asked me to which I nodded my head.

  
“Then you need to think very carefully before you say something to your brothers again. Don’t tell them it hurts again or feels funny. Use words like different if you don’t know how to describe something. Or say it tickles. Don’t give them bad connotations with it,” she told me, “there is no reason to upset them.”

  
“Are you done?” I asked her.

  
“Are you going to be ok?” She asked me, “I know I probably just confused you but, maybe there’s really another reason you don’t say no other than you aren’t allowed to. I’m sure not being allowed to do other things hasn’t stopped you from doing them.”  
“I’ll be fine Dr. Larkin,” I answered looking her in the face, “I have to be.”

  
“And there’s some Matty, you know what that’s called?” She asked me.

  
“Apathy, whatever is wrong with Matty it’s not apathy,” I said, “I can turn my feelings back on and I have feelings. I just feel that my brothers are more important than anything I may feel.”

  
“Matty has a type of apathy. Apathy is lack of caring. He’s learning still so I’m sure it doesn’t always seem like it’s a lack of caring right now but more a desire to hurt others. But right now it’s not a desire to hurt but more to understand things regardless of whether it hurts someone,” she said.

  
“So, you’re saying my brother is crazy?” I asked her.

  
“No, not crazy he’s different. Most of it is merely curiosity. Have you ever heard of callous unemotional defect?” She asked me.

  
“No,” I answered.

  
“It just means his brain works a little differently than most peoples’ he doesn’t feel fear, he doesn’t feel remorse. All of those pesky feelings that make your stomach hurt and make you want to cry? He doesn’t usually feel those,” she told me, “It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him per say but that he’s unusual. Evolutionarily advanced.”

  
“So, he’s crazy?” I asked her again.

  
“That’s not what I said,” she replied.

  
“Sounds like that is what you’re saying but you’re trying to put it nicely,” I contradicted her.

  
“Not at all. In this world he’ll do well. He’ll thrive,” she told me as we heard the sliding glass door open and I looked over to find my Uncle standing there with some boy I didn’t know and he walked over to my brothers, “I suppose it’s time for you to be on your way.”

  
“Is there anything I can do to help him?” I asked her.

  
“He doesn’t need help. If I were you I’d try and take a page out of his book in fact,” she answered me, “Have a good evening.”

  
I didn’t know what to say. If there was anything to say. I had no idea what she was talking about but it fascinated me to think that whatever was wrong with my brother was so interesting this woman wanted me to see if I could tap into it. If I had the same ability to not be upset by what was happening around me. I walked over to where my family was.

  
“Are you ready to go?” Ben asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“The Leader said you were well behaved,” Ben said.

  
I shrugged my shoulders. All I wanted at that point was a shower and somewhere I could sit quietly maybe a library where I could pull books out and look up what Dr. Larkin had mentioned. Give myself a distraction until I felt like I could be normal again. Until I felt safe again.

  
“I’m very proud of how well you did,” he told me, “He said you hardly made a sound and when you did you followed his direction and didn’t use any words. That makes me very proud.”

  
I just nodded my head, “Let’s go home guys,” I sighed as everyone grabbed their coloring books and we headed back into the house and through the door we came in back out to the car.

  
The boys talked about the party. Mostly about things Finn and Quinn said and did and how I had cool friends. James talked about Luke and how they were in the same class and how he thought the house was nice and wanted to go see Luke’s room but Luke said it wasn’t a good idea.

  
I thought about how badly I felt for that kid and I wondered how Teddy could seem so normal with a mom that was that screwed up. She thought that Matty was normal. That him talking about how he liked it was normal. How it didn’t upset him even a little bit. None of those things seemed anywhere close to normal to me and I decided it must just be a part of his condition and that I had to get to a computer.

  
I felt like I had to look it up to see if there was anything I could do to help my little brother. To convince him that living like this wasn’t a good thing, that none of this was ok. If there was some way to help him I was determined to find it.

  
Ben didn’t touch me all the way home and I found that odd but tried not to dwell on it too much. I figured he had probably met his needs with someone else at the end of the party which was probably the whole point of that little game at the end. Maybe that would make it easier for him to keep his promise I decided, his promise not to rape me for the weekend, to give me a real break.

  
I wasn’t sure but I felt like he was in a good mood and that maybe if Da was in a good mood I would be able to see John. To talk to him and make sure he was ok. I really missed him and I needed to speak with him not just for his sanity but for mine.  
I didn’t like feeling alone. I knew the only one that could really relate to me was him. I had so many questions to ask him if different things were normal because while I thought they were I wasn’t completely sure. If he knew anything about the brotherhood, about what was going on. If he was mad at me for not standing up, if he would ever forgive me for allowing us to fall into this mess because I had been too much of a coward to say anything.

  
When we got home, Ben took my book bag and went into the laundry room off the kitchen to unload our vests and socks and the rest of our under clothes into one pile and the other into a bag where Da put the dry cleaning to drop off on Saturday every week. I still didn’t see Da. Didn’t know where he was.

  
When Ben returned to the kitchen I sighed before I asked him taking the chance that because I had been “good” he would be nice. “Can we order pizza?”

  
“Yeah,” He answered nodding his head, “Everyone else ok with pizza guys?”

  
“Yeah,” Mike and Matt said in unison.

  
“Can I have just cheese?” James asked.

  
“Sure,” Ben said, “Any other requests?”

  
“Pepperoni and Sausage,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Ok one cheese and one pepperoni and sausage pizza coming right up,” he said before he turned to the phone and started dialing the nearest pizza place by heart.

  
“Is John going to come eat pizza with us?” Mike asked, “I miss John.”

  
“I don’t know about that sport you’d have to ask your Da,” Ben said just as Da appeared rounding the stair case and coming down.

  
“Ask Da what?” Da said smiling.

  
“If John can eat pizza with us,” Mike answered speaking for himself.

  
“Huh John is kind of tired buddy so not today but maybe tomorrow you’ll be able to see him,” Da said.

  
“Doubt it,” Ben said smiling like it was some kind of inside joke. Like what they were doing to him was funny.

  
“I’d like to see him,” I said quietly.

  
“Well, it’s something we’ll think about,” Da replied, “I’ve heard you’ve been very agreeable and that’s something that I like to hear.”

  
“Agreeable?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” he said coming over to me caressing my face. “Agreeable. You think you could do that for me if I wanted you to?”

  
“Are you talking about real love kisses?” Mike asked him making me gulp.

  
Ben said he would give me a break this weekend. I had just done that with someone else and still hadn’t had a chance to shower yet and now he wanted it? Was this what happened when Ben made a promise not to do those things? Everyone else got to?

  
“I might be,” Da said answering Mike’s question.

  
“You know those are slimy, right? Maybe he doesn’t like how slimy they are,” Mike commented, “How come we don’t do real love kisses in front of each other?”

  
“Well, mum is going to be home in a little while and it’s something that would upset mum to see because I’m only supposed to give her real love kisses,” Da answered explaining the need to keep it private. To keep Frenching your son’s private.

  
“But you give them to everyone because you really love everyone, right?” Mike asked.

  
“That’s right, I really love every one of you,” Da said smiling at the fact that Mike seemed to understand the brain washing Da was subjecting him to.

  
“Are you ok Will?” James whispered in my ear causing me to exhale deeply trying to hide the fact that he had startled me being so close suddenly.

  
“Yeah bud I’m ok,” I told him.

  
“I don’t like real love kisses either,” he told me which made me smile a little bit.

  
The way he said it had sounded so innocent, so sweet like it was a secret about eating an extra cookie from the cookie jar while no one was looking or where he had buried Mike’s G.I Joe was he was mad at him. Not one about Da hurting him, subjecting him to things he shouldn’t ever have to deal with especially being so little.

  
I wanted to protect that. That tone in his voice that I knew would fade with increasing aggression and speed until I never heard it again. Until all he remembered was this, here and nothing else before it and maybe nothing after.

  
“You didn’t do that until that night,” I said suddenly feeling brave frowning at him, “Why the change?”

  
“What?” Da asked me frowning before he realized what I was saying, “Oh, I figured that there’s nothing wrong with real love kisses that they don’t have to be a big deal. So, I’m trying to make them so they aren’t a big deal. I feel like that scared you more, amped up your anxiety at the time.”

  
“What are you talking about?” Matt asked.

  
“Sometimes you and I have private time right Matt? Really special private time. He’s talking about that,” Da explained it.

  
“OH,” Matt asked and I looked at Matt.

  
“What?” Matt asked.

  
“You didn’t tell me he was…” I trailed off.

  
“It doesn’t bother me,” Matt said, “Like I said sometimes I think feels nice.”

  
I felt my face turning red. Matt was so brain washed that he thought it was ok, sometimes better than ok. I still couldn’t wrap my brain around how it didn’t bother him, hurt him, make him want to scream and just disappear.

  
“What are you talking about?” Mike asked starting to get frustrated about the fact he couldn’t understand our conversation.

  
“Well,” Da said, “You know how sometimes I spend alone time with you? How we have a little bit of fun? They are talking about that.”

  
“Oh,” Mike said his face turning red.

  
He must have been thinking about the things Da did when he had alone time with him because he took an intense interest in his hands folded on the table top. I felt bad. For making him feel that way, reminding him of what it felt like, how confusing it was when Da’s hands traveled over his skin like that in the dark. The funny sounds Da made.

  
“Sport there is nothing to be embarrassed about ok?” Da said, “I love all of you. I promise.”

  
Mike just nodded his head staring at his hands. I could tell he was upset. That it was something he didn’t want to talk about.

  
“So, other than playing in the pool what else did you guys do at the party?” I asked them.

  
“We played tag,” Matt answered, “With Mitch, Caleb and Freddy.”

  
“Yeah, even though Caleb was usually it because he’s slow,” Mike added looking up and inhaling deeply as he relaxed because of the topic change, “What did you do?”

  
“I talked to my friends,” I answered, “Finn and Quinn and Teddy a little bit.”

  
“I talked to Luke and we colored for a while,” James told me.

  
“I know I was keeping an eye on you,” I pointed out smiling.

  
“Why though?” Jay asked.

  
“Because he’s a good big brother that cares about you,” Da answered for me.

  
“That’s right bud,” I answered, “I do care about you.”

  
“Does anyone have homework they need to get done?” Da asked.

  
“I do,” Matt said.

  
“Can you help him with his homework honey?” Da asked me.

  
“Yeah, sure,” I answered.

  
I ended up helping with homework until the pizza came and then we sat down turning on an American tale as we wound down for the day. Jay falling asleep with his feet in my lap as we shared the love seat while Mike and Matt started to drift off to sleep as well, all three of them already dreaming by the time the movie finished. I sighed moving the little feet out of my lap and leaning forward shaking his shoulder, “Come on bud, it’s time for bed.”  
“Wha…?” He asked stretching rubbing his eyes, “The movie is over?”

  
“Yeah,” I said standing up and shaking Matty’s shoulder who then hit Mike in the face in his sleep.

  
“OUCH!” Mike screamed suddenly wide awake.

  
“Sorry,” Matt said which caused Mike to respond with a glare, “Really, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to.”

  
“Why’d you smack him?” I asked.

  
“I don’t know,” Matty answered shrugging his shoulders, “I didn’t mean to.”

  
“Ok well, it’s bedtime,” I said reaching for the remote and turning off the TV.

  
“I am tired,” Matt answered shrugging his shoulders as he started up the stairs everyone else falling in line behind him.

  
I walked them to their bedroom door giving them kisses on the cheeks earning me dirty looks and mumbled goodnights as they shut the door behind them and then I went to put James to bed. To make sure he was ok. To talk to him about some stuff that had happened today.

  
“Why are you tucking me in?” He asked me.

  
“Don’t I always tuck you in?” I questioned.

  
“Yeah but you have something you want to say,” he said causing me to frown, “I can see it in your face.”

  
“Oh,” I said nodding my head, “What did you think about those guys at the end of the party?”

  
“You mean when they made up line up with the older boys and took everyone away with their eyes closed?” He asked me and I nodded my head, “They’re weird bad guys like Da. They did bad things.”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “You understand why I didn’t say no?”

  
“Because they would hurt you and it would make Ben mad and then he’d hurt you and Da would too. I know they tell you they’re going to hurt me. Because you want to keep me safe. Like John wants to keep me safe. I know you let them hurt you so they don’t hurt me,” James said.

  
“How do you…?” I started to ask before he stopped me.

  
“I remember,” James said shrugging his shoulders, “That time Da hurt me. You lifted your shirt and he stopped asked you if you wanted to play. I might be little but I’m not stupid. Special alone time is when he hurts you. Because it makes me feel funny and you’re bigger so it only makes sense that special alone time would hurt like that one time. When he put it in there? Did you know I bled? That it hurt so bad it bled when he poked me with it.”

  
“Yeah,” I said sitting down on the bed, “I bled the first time too. You won’t always bleed but I’m hoping he won’t do it again to you for a long time.”

  
“Because you and John are going to try and stop him?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“That lady said it’s normal but I don’t think it is. At school, they said when a stranger does it that it’s bad. So why would Da doing it be different?” He asked me.

  
“It’s not that lady wants to confuse you. She wants you to accept it and its ok to not accept it. If it doesn’t feel right to you. Like we talked about your teacher and how he wants you to sit in his lap and how if that doesn’t seem right to you it’s ok to tell him no. I think the same thing about this. If it doesn’t feel right it’s ok to not accept it. To not want it. I don’t want it,” I answered him.

  
“But you do it to protect me?” He asked me.

  
“Well, you and Matt and Mike yeah,” I answered.

  
“And John does the same thing,” James said, “You shouldn’t let them hurt you.”

  
“Bud it’s better than them hurting you ok? You even said it I’m bigger than you are. You know how bad it hurts me still? I don’t bleed that often anymore but, it still doesn’t feel good, it feels…well, it burns to start with. Huh, it’s scary but if it keeps you safe I can be ok with it. Because if it’s me it’s not you and it’s not Mike and it’s not Matt or anyone else. You understand?” I asked him.

  
“No,” he shook his head, “I don’t understand why you would let them hurt you.”

  
“Because if I say no, they’ll hurt you and I can’t be…I can’t let that be my fault,” I said to him, “I mean I know that it’s their fault because they are bigger and stronger and they’re the ones in charge but, I’d feel like I didn’t do everything I could to keep you safe. And I have promised you that’s something I will always do. I will always do the best I can, everything I can to keep you safe.”

  
“But I don’t want you hurt. Did the leader say he was going to hurt me when he you took away?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I shook my head, “No but that doesn’t mean that …can we not talk about that?” I asked him being able to feel his hands on my skin as he rubbed my forearms and shoulders down my rib cage. Being able to feel his lips as he kissed my collar bone.  
“He hurt you?” He asked me.

  
“Well yeah,” I said trying to shake off the feeling of him on my skin. It was weird. I wasn’t sure what was happening but I remember trying to hide my panic, trying to just think about where I was and that I was with my little brother. Trying to stay calm.  
“Like Uncle Ben hurts you?” He asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“Listen Bud, you shouldn’t think about these things before bed so I’m going to go. I love you,” I said kissing his forehead before tucking him safely under his covers, “goodnight.”

  
“Goodnight,” he said as I shut off the light and shut the door.

  
I went to Ben’s room, the room I was sharing with him and walked straight into the bathroom turning on the shower. I needed one at this point still not having showered since the night before. Since what Mr. Lord had done to me. I turned the water on as hot as I could allowing myself to cry silently. To let out the rest of what I had been holding back. To acknowledge how dirty I felt.

  
I let myself cry it out making sure I rinsed off my face before I climbed out not wanting my uncle to know I had been crying. I felt like crying was bad. It was weak and I didn’t want him to see me as weaker than he already did. Because I knew that’s what he thought of me.

  
I was just a weak little kid with a sexy ass that everyone wanted to mess with. It didn’t matter how smart I was or how funny I was, or who I was as a person all that mattered is I was “sexy”, “Beautiful” or “Cute”. The fact that I knew that’s all that mattered spoke volumes to my intelligence.

  
I grabbed a towel drying off my hair and wrapping it around my waist before going out into the bedroom. I should have grabbed clothes from Jay’s room but in my hurry to get out there I had forgotten and found myself wondering if I should put my swim trunks back on to go to sleep because I felt like if I was naked it would just give him an excuse to break his promise. To do things to me.

  
“You don’t have to have clothes you know,” He said coming into the room reading my expression as I looked at the bathroom door, “You can sleep naked. I do.”

  
“Yeah but…” I swallowed. Did I want to say I was afraid of him so he could misunderstand what I was saying and think I was calling him a liar? Saying he wouldn’t keep his word or did I just suck it up and get into bed with him?

  
“I said I wouldn’t, and I won’t, my mouth and my penis will be kept to myself ok?” He said.

  
“What about…?” I asked him clutching my towel tightly around my waist.

  
“We agreed that’s totally different last night remember?” He asked me.

  
“I was good earlier,” I reminded him.

  
“I know you were, he said you were very sweet for him. That you followed directions perfectly, which is something I have told your Da you are very capable of and that I want to take advantage of those qualities but he keeps telling me no. So, we’re going to do this his way,” Ben said making my stomach jump.

  
Take advantage of those qualities? What did that mean? Did I even want to know what it meant?

  
“Come on, let’s go to sleep ok? Maybe I’ll be able to talk your Da into letting John hang out with you guys?” he said grabbing my hand and entwining his fingers with mine pulling me to the bed. He was naked and he rolled on top of me moving so we were nose to nose his hands against my bare hips as he unwrapped towel, “You just froze a little bit baby.”

  
“I…” I wanted to tell him that I was not comfortable. That I wanted clothes or I wanted him to stop touching me especially so close to there. When he said he would keep his hands away from there.

  
“I just want to feel you under me for a minute ok baby?” He said.

  
I tried swallowing the dryness in my throat and nodding my head my brain feeling weird, fuzzy. I wasn’t sure what to say. I found he did to me a lot. Made me unsure. I wasn’t used to being scared of many things but I’m terrified of him.  
“Uncle Ben please…please?” I asked him my hands shaking as he stared at me. As he started drawing small circles into the skin of my hips with his fingertips. It made it hard to breathe. Made my chest feel tight and he wasn’t even really hurting me.  
“You’re really scared, aren’t you?” He asked me, “It’s ok to be scared.”

  
“I…,” I said before it fell silent again the silence so loud.

  
That’s when I realized he wanted me to be scared of him. Wanted me to fear him. That’s why he wasn’t touching me but he was he was getting off on the idea that I was terrified of him doing it but I couldn’t stop my heart from pounding in my chest or make myself breathe any easier.

  
“Ok,” He said nodding his head before he kissed my forehead, “Ok. Let’s go to sleep baby.”

  
He sighed and rolled off me turning off the light. I laid there frozen in the dark still for a while as he started snoring softly beside me. I waited until I was sure he was asleep before I dared to curl into a ball and try to sleep myself.

  
So, he had kept his promise. Kept his hands and mouth off me. Hadn’t fondled me even if he had intimidated me by laying on top of me his hands on my hips making me cringe but he hadn’t really molested me. It took me forever to drift off into an uneasy sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I don't believe in these types of behaviors I don't believe in doing this to anyone let alone a child. Going to clarify some things because it seems in society we use even I use pedophile to mean child molester. A person could be a pedophile that does not molest children (non-offending) this means they have done nothing illegal. However a child molester can be someone who is not sexually attracted to children that molested a child. There are actually more child molesters that are not pedophiles then child molesters that are. But anyway I'm not going into that. Just yeah. I don't condone this behavior towards anyone. **Don't rape, it's not nice.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will hears some news about mum while still worrying over John as he tries to get closer to Matt and figure out if there is anyway to help him. Ben goes back on his promise surprising and scaring Will which earns Will a punishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 254-274 **Warning:** Rape/non-con, Underwater blow job, near drowning, spanking/paddling, restraints/lite bondage, mental illness, mental health issues, animal death, animal abuse,  
>  Yeah Mike tells a story about Matt because it really upset him. It's something that is looked for in kids with the type of issues Matt has a lot of them do it. Grew up knowing a kid that wasn't allowed to have a dog because his parents were afraid his brother would kill it if they got one. Matt is very possessive of Mike because he views Mike as his. Comment, don't, seems like Will doesn't get a lot of love lately.

I woke up late the next morning rolling over and stretching to find he wasn’t in bed beside me. Making me sit up and look around the room nervously. If I was here and he wasn’t that meant, he was somewhere else. Somewhere else where he could be alone with one or more of my little brothers and that was not a good thing.

  
I sat up looking around the room for something to put on and saw his bath robe hanging off the hook on the bedroom door grabbing it and putting it on finding it easily fell off my shoulders as I tied it as tightly as I could to keep it around my waist before I opened the door and headed downstairs.

  
I didn’t hear anyone in the main house my panic growing as I walked to the formal living room and saw them through to glass wall that was the pool area. They all had swim trunks on and uncle Ben was sitting in a lounge chair reading a book glancing up at them every few minutes and I sighed with relief Matt saying something and point at the wall causing Ben to turn around and look at me.

  
I responded by waving sheepishly and opening the door stepping out into the pool area, “Hi,” I said pulling the robe up my shoulders again trying to get it to stay.

  
“Nice look,” he said standing up and coming towards me causing me to back up slightly.

  
“I couldn’t find anything else,” I stated, “Are you guys ok?”

  
“Yeah, we’re good we wanted to swim and Da had to work on some stuff and I don’t know where John is Ben asked with John could come play but, Da didn’t say anything only that he had to work,” Mike told me.

  
“You look really really nice,” Ben said low enough so only I could hear him each step he took bring him slowly closer to me.

  
“I couldn’t find anything else and I didn’t know where you were…” I said quietly hugging myself tightly.

  
“I was here. Everything is ok. Everything is ok right boys?” Ben repeated loud enough for them to hear the question.

  
“Yeah,” James said and Matt nodded his head his eyes darting between Ben and I with rapt attention like he was watching us closely.

  
“See? They’re all right I haven’t hurt them,” He said quietly, “Did you think I was going to?”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered barely above a whisper.

  
“Well, I have you, don’t I?” He asked me.

  
“You said that you wouldn’t…” He stopped me.

  
“Kind of hard to not want to when you’re standing there looking so sexy in my robe practically drowning in it. You know how beautiful you look right now?” He asked me to which I shook my head.

  
So, he was going to go back on his word, he was going to hurt me. I knew he was that he would. That nothing he said could be trusted so I don’t know why I hoped he wouldn’t. I had gone maybe two or three days in those three weeks without someone doing something to me. Touching me sexually or raping me so I don’t know why I had even dared to hope he would give me the whole weekend without violating me.

  
“Not here,” I said not looking at him, “Not in front of them.”

  
“Ok,” he nodded his head, “Boys come on pool time is over.”

  
“Why?” James whined.

  
“He wants alone time with Will,” Matt scoffed, “Why do we always get punished when someone wants alone time? We always have to stop what we’re doing and it sucks.”

  
“Well, once you’re a little older that won’t happen but you can’t be in the pool without someone bigger to watch you in case something bad happens. You can go watch TV in the living room but I don’t want anyone in the pool while there isn’t an adult around ok?”

  
“Why does he want alone time with…oh,” James said his face turning a light shade of pink as he understood what alone time probably meant. That he was going to touch me like that. Like I didn’t want to be touched and James got out of the water hugging me around the waist, “Are you ok?”

  
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied ruffling his hair, “Don’t worry about it ok?”

  
“You don’t look fine you look sad,” James said frowning at me.

  
“Well, I’m ok I promise,” I lied again, “I’ll be fine it’s just…”

  
“Special love kisses?” He asked me and I nodded my head in response, “But you don’t like those.”

  
“I’ll be fine bud,” I said again, “Promise. It’ll happen and then it will be over easy peasy ok?”

  
“Will you come play with me after?” he asked me.

  
“I’ll try to,” I answered not sure what was going to happen really.

  
“Ok,” He said nodding his head as he grabbed a towel and started drying himself before wrapping his towel around his suit and walking back into the house Mike and Matt following him without even really looking at me.

  
“So…” I said trailing off awkward as I shuffled my weight from foot to foot, “What are we…?”

  
“Doing?” He said finishing my question, “Skinny dipping.”

  
“Oh,” I said not quite sure why he would want to skinny dip with me. I knew skinny dipping was sometimes supposed to be a sexual thing. I had seen movies before where two people had skinny dipped and one thing had led to another but, I had also seen movies where people just didn’t have bathing suits so they decided to skinny dip.

  
“Come on,” he said hitting a button making the electric blinds turn blocking everyone’s view of the pool area from inside the house before took off his trunks and shirt diving into the pool.

  
He expected me to just follow him in? To just get in the pool naked with him? I felt like the idea was nuts.

  
“You going to just stand there in my robe all day or are you going to come swim with me?” he asked me.

  
“I, huh,” I paused, “What if I don’t want to?”

  
“Well I can call your brothers back in here and they can skinny dip with me instead. They didn’t seem to mind it last time however I’m not sure how well they would react to it once we started playing tag or Marco polo my way. You remember how I play it?” he threatened.

  
I thought about how he had waited until Mike’s eyes were closed saying Marco over and over again as he moved closer and closer to me before he pinned me against the wall grinding against me as Matt watched. As James snapped his eyes shut because I had told him to. That he should close his eyes if Uncle Ben got close to me. How he had pushed hard against me using his knee, trying to get me to respond.

  
“You would do that to me again?” I asked him feeling like I was about ready to cry, “After everything you’d make me…in front of them?”

  
“Not you baby,” He said, “who knows maybe I’d play a little with the twins. I’ve heard twins can be fun for that sort of thing.”

  
I shook my head, “You wouldn’t.”

  
“You want to find out? Are you daring to risk it?” He asked me shrugging his shoulders.

  
I sighed my hands on the cloth belt holding the robe in place. He knew I wasn’t. I knew I wasn’t. Of course, I wouldn’t take the chance he wasn’t bluffing, because if he hurt them than it would my fault. I undid the tie letting the robe fall where I was standing and he smiled.

  
“Come on,” He said cocking his head towards the stairs, suggesting I get in the pool.

  
I nodded taking a couple of steps back before I took a deep breath and dove in. If he was going to do it might as well get it over with. Might as well not waste time. He smiled at me as bobbed to the surface throwing my head back as I broke the water to make sure I pulled the hair out of my eyes.

  
“You’re going to need a haircut soon,” He commented.

  
“I know,” I answered. He was right. My hair was getting longer my bangs starting to grow long enough to cover my face. School said we were supposed to have shorter hair, tight bowl cuts or shorter more military style but they seemed to be lax with the rule many of the older boys having hair of varying lengths some of them even as long as some of the girls.

  
“Do you like your hair long or short?” He asked me suddenly.

  
“I haven’t really thought about it,” I answered, “Why?”

  
“Just wondering,” He said wading closer to me before grabbing me by the waist and dragging us into the deeper end of the pool.

  
I wasn’t the strongest swimmer. I was 10 and sure I had spent a lot of time in Florida in my life but more of my early formative years in London where there wasn’t a lot of swimming all year round to keep my swimming skills progressing and it seemed like every time I got in a pool here it was to be ogled or touched so I wasn’t thrilled with going into the deep end because I knew he was doing it as an excuse to make me hang on him.

  
“What are you doing?” I asked him.

  
“We’re swimming,” he answered me.

  
“I can’t swim that well,” I said.

  
“Just hold on to me,” he replied.

  
“Ben I’m not a good swimmer could you please take me back?” I asked him.

  
“Your so cute when you’re nervous your accent really shows. Did you know that?” He teased me.

  
“I’m being serious Ben please I can’t swim that well,” I insisted.

  
“Here,” he said letting go of me and pushing me slightly the water carrying me a few feet away from him as he pushed me deeper into the pool, “swim to me.”

  
“Ben…” I said starting to doggy paddle so I could tread the water, “please I’m not good at this.”

  
“Just swim to me I’m right here,” he encouraged.

  
“Ben…,” I said finally moving forward before I started to sink kicking my legs and arms.

  
I would have gone to the wall but he was closer and kept getting water up my nose. He knew he was closer he had done it that way for a reason. And when I grabbed his shoulder he grabbed me around the waist forcing my legs to wrap around him. His pelvis against mine. My eyes going wide at the sensation.

  
“That’s cute,” he mumbled kissing my neck.

  
“Wha…what?” I asked confused.

  
“How wide your eyes just went, just from that little movement,” he said grabbing my butt and squeezing.

  
“Ben, you said you wouldn’t,” I reminded him.

  
“That was before you came out here all cute in my robe,” He said walking over to the side of the pool, “I think I’m going to show you something and then you’re going to do it. It’ll be fun.”

  
“Do wh….” I asked before he let me go dunking himself under the water and grabbing my legs putting his mouth around my penis blowing me.

  
I couldn’t do anything but hold onto the side of the pool as he pushed me into the wall behind me. If I let, go I wasn’t sure he would hold me up. For all I knew he would let me drown. I hated it. The feeling of the cold water around me mixed with the warmness of his mouth as he used the pool wall to hold himself under water one hand on my hip helping him steady me in the water.

  
I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head. This wasn’t ok. This was not ok this felt weird and it wasn’t ok and I couldn’t get away and I felt myself actually freaking out. Before he stopped resurfacing while he smiled.

  
“Now your turn, see if you can make me cum before you run out of air,” he said before shoving my head under the water without giving me warning the water string as it went up my nose and started to fill my mouth. I tried to pull up because there was no way I could do it. I hadn’t had time to hold my breath at all and I could feel the water in my lungs becoming heavier and heavier as I tried to pull up but he kept his hand entangled in my hair his other hand trying to shove his dick in my face, in my mouth as I struggled before I decided to stop struggling.

  
I decided that maybe this was better. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be. Him drowning me because he had been selfish and abusive. Because he had been stupid and edger and cruel. And my anything that happened afterwards wouldn’t be my fault anymore. It wouldn’t be my job to keep anyone safe anymore. My only regret being I’d never know what had happened to my older brother but maybe I’d find him on the other side and find out Da had actually killed him. Maybe even on accident too like Uncle Ben was about to kill me. But we’d both be free. Safe.

  
Just as I was about to slip away he pulled me out of the water nearly throwing me out of the pool onto my stomach against the tiles the force with which I hit the ground causing me to cough up the water in my lungs as I sputtered before he started rubbing my back trying to soothe me. So, at first he had tried to downed me and then changed his mind or at least that’s what it seemed like. It made me wonder what type of person he really was.

  
“There you go baby, there you go,” he said as my breathing started to normalize, “That was a bad idea I guess.”

  
“Why?” I managed to sputter in-between deep coughs water still coming up and out of my lungs.

  
“I thought it would be fun. I didn’t realize you would fight me until you couldn’t breathe anymore I thought you’d just give in and open your mouth realizing you might actually drown before you started to drown I guess I was wrong,” he said.

  
“You tried to drown me,” I said coughing

  
“No I tried to get you to blow me underwater because it feels nice having the bubbles around you in someone’s mouth in my opinion,” he corrected me, “Come on baby.”

  
He sighed picking me up as I continued to cough and gag on air making sure the water was fully removed from my lungs. I wasn’t paying attention to where we were going until he headed into the kitchen and opened the basement door.

  
“Wait,” I rasped.

  
“No, I kind of still want one just not underwater,” he said.

  
“Wait,” I said again pushing at his shoulder and chest and he held me and started carrying me down the stairs, “Please stop.”

  
He continued down the stairs all the way to the bottom where he dropped me hard on the floor me landing on my ass causing pain to shoot up my spine. He was in a mood today, I remember thinking reviewing in my head the way he had treated me since I had woken up that early afternoon. First, he had made sure I understood he was going to be sexual with me and then he had blown me in the pool and then tried to drown me and now he had dropped me on my ass which he was probably about to hurt even more. I sighed standing up rubbing my bottom.

  
“Thanks,” I hissed.

  
“You don’t protest I don’t hurt you that’s the way this works and you know that,” he said pointedly.

  
“You said you wouldn’t and you have and I want to be done,” I said shaking my head careful that I didn’t appear argumentative. I really was tired of it. I was tired of him and every other adult that looked at me wanting to cause me pain because it made them feel good. I didn’t want anyone to touch me ever again. I wanted to be left alone just for one week that’s all I wanted.

  
“I wasn’t protesting I was asking you to…” I said before he smacked me hard enough across the face to shock me.

  
“Don’t say that. You are getting too loose with that word to make me happy and your Da and the brotherhood will be even less tolerant than I am so you need to watch what you say. Do you understand?” he warned me.

  
I put my hand up against my cheek where he had just struck me feeling the heat in my skin there. I knew he was right. That I had been asking him to stop too much. Telling him to please not do things. I tried to be careful of it whenever I was around any of them but it was hard to make your brain work when you were pressed into one of them. Them doing things and touching you when you didn’t want to be touched.

  
I knew I wasn’t supposed to say no, to protest to tell them to stop but, I couldn’t help it. It scared me. Knowing that they could make me feel that way and there was nothing I could do about it. Telling them to stop made it easier to deal with. And Larkin had been right if I didn’t say no then I was consenting. Or at least that’s what I thought. Because how were they supposed to know I didn’t want to do those things if I didn’t tell them? So, didn’t it make sense that because I hadn’t said no they might think I was saying yes when I really wasn’t saying anything at all?

  
I nodded my head. I didn’t know what else to say because I knew I’m sorry wouldn’t cut it. He was too pissed off. Too angry for an I’m sorry to matter. He didn’t have to tell me to go into the room when he opened the door I just did it trying to shut myself down trying to find my own “robot mode” as Finn had called it.

  
He turned and shut the door locking it before he faced me, grabbing me hard by the shoulders while shoving me backwards at the same time until we hit the bed me almost bouncing upwards I hit with such force as he forced his tongue past my teeth aggressively making me whine into his mouth. His hands hurt. He could be gentle and usually he was but this time his hands hurt and I didn’t know why.

  
I know I had told him to stop but I had a feeling that wasn’t the reason his left hand moving down my face almost feeling like it was scratching me as he did so pinching my side as he moved down my ribs to my hip before he grabbed my thigh wrenching my leg to the side and shoving his hand in-between us so that he could grab at me before he broke our kiss both of us breathing heavy.

  
“You want to ask me to stop I’ll give you a reason to beg me to,” he hissed as he grabbed me hard up under the armpits pushing me away from him like a kid throwing a rag doll me landing with most of my body on the pillows before he grabbed a shackle that was built into the head board cuffing it around my wrists.

  
“Wh-what are you doing?” I asked barely above a whisper as he grabbed my jaw squeezing the sides of my lower jaw bone hard forcing my mouth open.

  
“Having fun, what are you doing?” He asked before biting my bottom lip and sucking on it hard enough to make it bleed the taste of metal hitting my mouth the moment he let go before he got up walking away from the bed and leaving the room for a moment the door wide open.

  
I felt my heart pounding he was going into one of the other rooms. One of the other rooms I had never been in. I had no idea what he was doing and it scared me. When he came back he was holding what looked like a miniature leather canoe paddle. I wasn’t sure what it was for at first. My brain not connecting the dots until he gave me the command.

  
“Roll over.”

  
That’s when I knew what it was for. He was going to spank me with it. It wasn’t enough that he wanted to rape me. He wanted to spank me too. After everything else he had already done.

  
“I’m sorry,” I said as I did what I was told, “I’m sorry I won’t say it anymore. I promise I won’t say it anymore.”

  
“This,” he said the first wake hitting me hard enough it felt like it vibrated my spine, “Will make sure you remember not to.”

  
He spanked me again this time lighter concentrating the hits to one cheek for five smacks and then switching to the other one. The sound of it making it that much more painful as the heat started to make my skin feel like it was burning. It felt like it lasted forever before I felt him rubbing something on my burning skin before I felt his fingers against my hole and I knew he was trying to see if I remembered my lesson. If I remembered I wasn’t supposed to ask him to stop, beg him to stop as I felt his finger slide into me prodding and poking.

  
“Good boy,” he said stroking the back of hair and my neck, “That’s a good boy.” He muttered against my skin leaning forward using his body weight to shove his finger deeper into me moving it around before he added another one making me gasps.  
“This is fun, isn’t it? I’ll make you feel good after you help me out. And you’re being nice and quiet too. But what if I want to hear you scream will you scream for me baby?” He taunted my whole-body shuttering with the pain.

  
At the time, I couldn’t imagine anything hurting worse. Burning worse than what he had just done my bottom feeling raw and bruised already as he shoved his fingers hard into me the pressure making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I remember wanting to scream but knowing that he wanted me to making me resistant to doing so. Causing me to wrap my free arm around the chains on my other wrist and squeeze as his weight shifted as I knew what he was going to do before I felt him pressing against me. The head of his cock breeching me making me hold my breath waiting for him to push the rest of the way in.

  
When he did for some reason I thought I would be relieved that some of my anxiety and fear would subside because he had finally done it but it didn’t. It stayed just as heightened him waiting for my body to adjust to his. He laid fully against my back kissing my neck and nipping at it playfully like that was going to help me my ass feeling really sore on the outside as he ground his pelvis against it.

  
This wasn’t going to feel good this was going to hurt and I knew it and he kept rubbing my shoulders as if he was trying to get me to relax, to calm down. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to speak, if I should speak to tell him it wasn’t going to work that I wasn’t going to relax at all but he kept waiting gently kneading the shoulders with his fingers rubbing small circles into the base of my neck.

  
“Come on, relax so I don’t have to hurt you,” he muttered after a few minutes pressing kisses into my skin, “Come on baby please, just relax. I don’t want to be rough but I need this. If you didn’t want to you shouldn’t have come downstairs in that robe all big and silky falling off your shoulders like that as you looked at me your eyes all big. Sparkling. Please… just relax.”

  
“It hurts,” I said barely audible.

  
“Baby it’ll hurt a lot worse if you don’t take a big deep breath in nose and out your mouth and relax your body,” he coaxed, “come on I don’t want to hurt you.”

  
I tried. Somehow managing to loosen up my muscles enough he was able to pull out pushing back in making me squeak as he hissed in satisfaction and pleasure with that first movement the bed bouncing slightly as he did so. It took him a while to find a rhythm of in and out that worked for him but I was in too much pain to get anything from it as he used my body like his own personal sex toy. Used me to get off. When he was done, he gave me another back massage. Like he had while trying to get me to relax and he rubbed more cream into my cheeks while he muttered to himself about how he was “too rough” and next time he needed to be “more careful” before he unchained me.

  
“You ok baby?” He asked me and I nodded my head everything about me feeling numb.

  
I felt almost like I was dreaming, disconnected almost like I was floating up the stairs to his bedroom when I went to go lay down for a while. Waking up to shower and go downstairs to eat not there but not really there until I felt James pull on my shirt sleeve. I looked over at him blinking.

  
“What bud?” I asked him.

  
“You’ve been really quiet and you’re sitting funny are you ok?” James asked me.

  
“Yeah bud I’m fine,” I said to him.

  
“You seem off he’s right,” Matty agreed.

  
“Guys, I’m fine,” I answered noticing how Mike was crying.

  
“Mike, are you ok?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” He lied wiping hard at his eyes.

  
“Hey, come on,” I said standing up and grabbing his hand afraid something horrible had happened to him while I was napping that maybe Da had hurt him or Uncle Ben had decided he wasn’t done but just needed a new punching bag to beat on a little bit as I took him out in the hallway.

  
“Something’s wrong what happened?” I asked him.

  
“Nothing,” He said quietly shaking his head at me and sighing.

  
“You can tell me anything. I won’t be mad I promise,” I told him.

  
“Not even a little bit?” He asked me.

  
“Not even a little bit,” I assured him, “You want to go into the Livingroom?”

  
He nodded his head and took the lead our hands still together. I was scared about what he had to say. He seemed so quiet about things all the time. James and Matt being the more talkative. I mean I wasn’t really a huge talker either so I was pretty sure he got that from where ever I got it from but it wasn’t like him to sit in silence and cry openly about something so I was worried about whatever it might be, how horrible it might be.

  
“You won’t be mad at Matty? If he did something bad?” He asked me.

  
“I can’t promise you that but I can promise you I will think really hard about what it is and I’ll do my best to stay calm,” I answered my stomach dropping.

  
Had Matt hurt him? Him and Matt had said something before about how Da had made them touch each other and how Da had made them kiss give “special love kisses to each other” I wondered if that was what this was about? If Matt had hurt him without Da or uncle Ben around and if he wasn’t sure how to say it.

  
“I found the bunny I didn’t know he was going to hurt it. I wanted to keep it,” he mumbled into is lap.

  
“Mike, sport what are you talking about?” I asked him.

  
“We went outside to play when Uncle Ben made you stay in the pool with him. Because we were board and we went around back and I found a bunny it was little tiny and I called Matty over from where he was looking and I showed it to him and asked him if we should take it inside and feed it and he took it from me and petted it and then he grabbed its neck really hard and it made a funny noise and it started trying to scratch him because he was hurting it,” He said starting to cry, “I told him no that he couldn’t because it was my bunny and it was a good bunny and it didn’t do anything bad and he told me it was bad for existing that then he threw it on the ground and he stomped on it and it quit moving.” He cried into my shirt as I wrapped my arms around him rocking slowly and rubbing his back, “I told him it was my bunny that he hurt it and he said it was a stupid bunny that didn’t need to live and it didn’t move again. He killed it. He killed my bunny. He said I didn’t need a bunny all I needed was him and Da because Da said so but I get so sad sometimes Will and I’m so sad all the time.”

  
“I know sport,” I said rocking him, “I’m sorry he did that. It must have been scary.”

  
“I don’t understand why did he kill my bunny why couldn’t I have it?” He whimpered.

  
“I don’t know sport, I don’t know but maybe if we talk to Da he’ll get you one from the pet store? One you can keep in your room?” I asked him.

  
“No,” he shook his head, “He’d just kill it again. I know he would. He doesn’t like it when I have cool things. He’s never killed any of them before though.”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked him.

  
“I like to take Lizards and keep them in the garage those are my pets but when I go and check on them they are always gone and I ask him why and he says that Da would get mad if he found them so he let them go. I just want something good. Something that I don’t have to share with him. He’s my brother and I love him but I want something to be mine. It used to be I could do things without him at school but now he’s always there and he’s mean sometimes,” he told me.

  
“Mean how?” I asked him.

  
“At school, I’m not allowed to talk to people who don’t talk to him. When Da comes into our room at night to check on us Da will kiss him and then kiss me and then he’ll make us kiss each other,” Mike answered me.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Are they …special kisses?”

  
“they feel weird. They’re slimy,” He said blushing, “I don’t…Matty knows I don’t like them but he and Da say that they make them happy. And then da gets excited sometimes and he…it’s weird.”

  
“He climbs on top of you?” I asked him quietly.

  
“Yeah he makes me take off my pants and lay on my tummy and he rubs in-between my legs and makes it sticky. I don’t like it but he says it helps him. It helps him feel better and go to sleep. And Matty says I’ll help Da because it makes me a good son and that I’ll help him too when he needs it and I do but …” He trailed off.

  
“But what?” I asked him quietly and he just shook his head and sighed, “But what sport?”

  
He shook his head again shrugging his shoulders before he stuck his thumb in his mouth.

  
That surprised me. He had stopped sucking his thumb when he was six when he had started boarding at school during the week. Because kids had made fun of him for it. But here he was sucking his thumb like when he had been wee.

  
“It makes you sad?” I asked him and he nodded his head but still didn’t take his thumb out of his mouth, “It’s ok to be sad about it especially if you don’t want to do that. I get sad about it you know?”

  
He looked up at me his eyes going wide, “Da makes your back sticky?”

  
“He did,” I said nodding my head, “You know how James says Da put it his butt?”

  
“Da put his penis in his butt? Yeah and that it hurt but Da said he would never hurt me. He said James is lying and that it didn’t really hurt but it just felt weird. That that’s ok though and it’s not a big deal that he does it with John all the time.” Mike told me.  
“Da is lying,” I answered simply after thinking about it for a moment, “It does hurt. And it makes your head feel weird like you know how when you ride the merry go around on the playground or how you can spin in a circle really fast and it makes your head feel funny? Like everything that’s up feels like it’s down and it feels like you’re walking in the sky?” I asked trying to figure out the best way to explain it.

  
“Yeah?” He asked.

  
“It kind of does that only in your head in a different way. It doesn’t feel very good,” I answered.

  
“It sounds scary,” He answered.

  
“It is,” I said, “It’s very scary and I…I don’t like it either.”

  
“Is he going to make me feel that way?” He asked me.

  
“Doesn’t it already feel that way sometimes?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, I guess so,” he said, “Matty says it’s ok though because he feels that way too sometimes. That it doesn’t have to be bad. That I can make it fun. You don’t make it sound that way though.”

  
“It’s hard to when it hurts,” I answered, “And they don’t want us talking about it because if we do…”

  
“People won’t understand and they’ll think we’re bad so they’ll take us away from each other,” Mike said like he had already been told. Like he had already had it explained to him.

  
“They won’t think we’re bad. They’ll think Da is bad,” I corrected.

  
“But they’ll still take us away from each other?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know if that’s true or not,” I answered.

  
I had heard about foster care by that point. One kid back at home had been taken into care as the teachers had referred to it in the hallways in-between classes. His parents had passed away in a car wreck and he hadn’t had anyone else so he had been taken into care. Mum had explained to me it was when a kid didn’t have anyone to take care of them or when a kid had a parent that couldn’t take care of them for some reason so they had someone else do it.

  
I had put together that if a parent was bad or abusive that a kid would probably be taken away from their parent and I knew what Da was doing was wrong. That if it was wrong for a stranger to do it, it was probably wrong for a parent to do it and that if we weren’t supposed to talk about it, that only reinforced the notion for me. That it wasn’t supposed to be happening. I also knew there were a lot of us so chances were if we did get taken away for whatever reason we wouldn’t be staying together and I didn’t want that because I loved my siblings and if I wasn’t with them I couldn’t protect them but I didn’t want my little brother to know that.

  
Especially if Da had told him if that happened it would be our fault because we were “bad” and not because Da was bad. I knew Da was the adult and the one in charge so it only made sense to me that people would think he was bad instead of us but Mike was little and so were Matt and James so it only made sense to me that they might believe they were the bad ones instead of Da.

  
“So, we don’t tell anyone either way and then no one can take us away from each other, right? Because Matty needs me, I know he does,” Mike told me.

  
“You really think so?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah he has trouble with people and I remind him to put his people face on I call it. Where he appears normal and not him. Not the him that sets my lizard’s free and killed my bunny,” he sighed.

  
“I see,” I answered.

  
“Don’t tell him I told you. He’ll be mad I told you,” he said to me.

  
“Only because he knows he’s not supposed to kill things,” I told him, “But if you really want me to wait to say something I will ok?”

  
“Thank you,” he said, “I really wish he wasn’t so angry so I could have a bunny from the pet store.”

  
“Me too sport,” I said.

  
“Are you ok today?” He asked me, “I told you the truth.”

  
“Honestly?” I asked him before wrinkling my head like I was pretending to think hard, “I could be doing better but I’m all right.”

  
“He hurt you earlier, Uncle Ben,” Mike more told me than asked.

  
“I …he wanted to play a game,” I said quietly shaking my head, “I’m fine though.”

  
“You can talk to us you know? He makes us play games sometimes,” Mike said making my eyes go wide.

  
“When?” I asked him.

  
“At night, sometimes,” he answered me, “He says you get tired from playing and then he’ll come to our room and play with us.”

  
“What games does he make you play ones like Da does?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” He said quietly, “Yeah Da doesn’t do it a lot right now not since he took John and has been keeping him away but Uncle Ben does sometimes. Why?”

  
“Nothing,” I said blowing a deep breath out my nose before I got up.

  
I couldn’t contain my anger. It wasn’t good enough for him to just rape me he had to do things to them too? What the hell was wrong with him. I stormed back into the kitchen where he was washing dishes and Matt and James seemed to be finishing up homework.

  
“BEN!” I said loudly causing everyone to look at me.

  
“Are we being informal in open casual settings now?” He asked me smiling, “Does that mean I get to call you baby?”

  
I felt my face turn red. I wasn’t ok with them knowing what he called me. Even if it was something mundane, stupid. It felt weird hearing him say it when it wasn’t in private whispered against my skin even if I was in that place against my will.

  
“NOW,” I said pointing out into the hallway.

  
“Ok,” he shrugged his shoulders before following me out into the hallway his hands going to my hips squeezing them.

  
“I didn’t mean that,” I said squirming.

  
“Well, no you wouldn’t, would you?” He said sounding amused, “What’s on your mind?”

  
“You can’t do that to them you have me,” I barely managed to spit out.

  
“Oh,” he said, “Well nothing about contracting says that I have to be exclusive,” He pointed out, “Only that I get a say and who teaches you.”

  
“Please, stop hurting them,” I said daring to look up at him to which he hissed slightly.

  
“You don’t tell me what to do unless you want your ass tanned again before I used it tonight,” He warned me falling silent as he lips as if he were waiting for me to respond.

  
Of course, I didn’t want that. My ass was already black and blue. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about it. He was right I wasn’t in the position to request anything from him. Especially tonight if I wanted to be able to walk tomorrow morning.  
“That’s what I thought. So why don’t you keep your mouth shut so both Daddy and Johnny stay happy? Got it?” He warned.

  
“Ok,” I said quietly not sure what else to say.

  
“That’s right,” He said grabbing my chin tilting my head back so he could look me in the eye, “You’ll be good for me won’t you baby? Because you know what happens when I get really mad or did you forget?”

  
“I haven’t forgotten,” I answered knowing that he was talking my skull fracture. The one he gave me “accidentally” that he was “sorry” for.

  
“Good. I suggest you keep this to yourself,” he said.

  
“Keep what to himself exactly?” I heard Da ask from behind me.

  
“Nothing Connor,” Ben answered him sheepishly.

  
“No, I’m pretty sure it has something to do with my twins. You’ve always had a soft or should I say hard spot for twins,” Da said as I turned around.

  
“Connor I’m not even really…” Da cut him off.

  
“I don’t care if you’re not penetrating them I said no. I said you can play with Will I even let you contract him but you had to leave the twins and Jamie alone. I want you in your apartment tonight and I want to stay gone until I tell you it’s ok to come home,” Da hissed at him.

  
“But Con…” Da interrupted him again

  
“NO. Gone. OUT NOW!” He yelled making my ear drums rattle as Ben sighed looking at me, shooting me a death glare which Da apparently saw, “If you don’t want people to over hear your conversations about doing things you know you shouldn’t be doing don’t have them in open spaces or better yet keep your promises to me. Now go, I’ll call you when you’re allowed to come home.” Da said.

  
Ben sighed looking at me like he was regretting his decisions to mess with my little brothers. Not only because it was sending him away from the house but because it was sending him away from me. I wasn’t upset he was going at all. I wanted him gone so maybe my ass could have some time to heal before I had someone trying to stick things into it again because I’m serious my ass was really really sore.

  
“Can I at least say goodbye to him?” Ben asked Da hopefully.

  
“NO!” Da said scoffing at his gall, “No, you can’t say goodbye to him. If you would have not said goodbye to my other two maybe you wouldn’t be leaving at all so go. I’ll call you when you can come home oh yeah and take your car not one of mine.”  
“Ok, I’m going I’ll call later,” Ben said.

  
“Yeah and you’ll be speaking to me,” He said as Ben walked down the hallway swearing under his breath.

  
I looked at my Da. I felt like it had been a couple day since I had seen him and been longer than that since I had been in a room alone with him and I wasn’t sure what to do with myself but I knew I didn’t want him touching me. I hugged myself.  
“Are you ok? Your brothers told me he kicked them out of the pool area and then after a while he came out and took you downstairs,” Da said.

  
“Yeah,” I answered shrugging my shoulders thinking nothing of it.

  
“Until your mum comes back that room is only for punishment him and I agree so what did you do to make him take you down there?” He asked me flat out.

  
“I used one of the words,” I answered.

  
He knew what I meant. One of the words he doesn’t like “no, don’t stop…” those were words that were not ok to use in our house especially when directed at our Da. Those words he looked at as us defying him and he wouldn’t have disobedience in his house towards him. I remember being taught from the age of four when I was old enough to really understand what those words meant that when directed towards Da even in the form of a question or a request without permission to do so would get you spanked or punished in some other way.

  
“You know better than that. What did he do about it?” He asked me.

  
“He spanked me, with a paddle of some kind and then…” I trailed off figuring I didn’t need to finish saying the rest that he would know.

  
“Good maybe it will make you think twice before you do that again. You’re lucky he’s more tolerant of it than I am because he’s not your father but he is your contract holder you do what he says and you don’t question it or fight it you understand?” he growled at me.

  
“Yes sir,” I said quietly looking at my feet.

  
So, he didn’t even care that my ass was black and blue or that his brother had been raping me. Only that he had been raping two out of three kids he wasn’t supposed to be touching. Two out of the three kids Da had apparently made a deal with Ben not to touch. So, I didn’t matter I guess. I was nothing.

  
“Go make sure your brothers are done with their school books and get them off to bed,” he sighed at me as he went down the hall after Ben probably to check and make sure he was leaving.

  
“Are you guys done with your school work?” I asked them.

  
“Yeah,” James answered.

  
“Almost,” Matt said.

  
“Well, finish up it’s time for bed,” I told them.

  
“That sucks it’s the weekend and I’m not even tired,” Matty told me.

  
“Yeah well, Da said it was time for bed,” I said.

  
“Only because he wants to give you special kisses,” Matt said looking at me.

  
It caught me so off guard I felt myself nearly choking on air. The way he looked at me when he said it. Like I was some piece of shit taking away time from him. Ruining his evening plans like he was being forced to go to sleep by me so Da could have sex with me. Because that’s all I was and deep down Matt knew it.

  
I wasn’t able to pull myself together fast enough before I felt the tears trying to escape causing me to turn away. I hoped he was wrong. That Da wouldn’t. Especially after…after earlier but I didn’t know if he would or not. I could be sure until I was allowed to fall asleep of my own accord and not woken up in the middle of the night by his hand slowly sliding up my thigh the air tickling my ear as he whispered at me “Shhh. It’s ok honey”

  
I felt sick to my stomach. The way he could say that like it wasn’t anything to be worried about. Or like maybe it was something I wanted.

  
“Will, come on,” Jay said tugging on my shirt and pulling me out of the kitchen before I could realize he was even there, “It’s ok Will you told me it was ok to be sad when they make you feel weird.”

  
“I’m fine I just…” I trailed off.

  
It wasn’t fine. I knew it wasn’t fine and here I was being a parent all on my own to three kids who needed me to be strong and not cry and be ok and I couldn’t do it right now my little brother the one telling me that I was ok. That it was ok for me to be sad. To not be strong when I knew that wasn’t true.

  
“I know you’re sad,” he said quietly, “I’m sad too but it’s ok. If Uncle Ben is gone that means you can share a bed with me. I can tell you bedtime stories like you do for me. We can talk about stuff if you want and I’ll tell you you’re ok and that you’re brave like you tell me and everything will be ok because we’ll be, together right?”

  
That made me smile. It was so cute I couldn’t help but smile. That he thought me telling him things were ok made them ok. That me telling him he was brave made him brave.

  
“Yeah,” I said hugging him, “That’s be nice bud thank you.”

  
“See? It’s ok already because I said it was and that’s it’s ok to be sad,” James said and I nodded my head almost laughing.

  
“Yeah,” I sighed wiping my eyes, “Thank you.”

  
“Ok, so should I help Matty with his homework?” James asked me causing me to laugh.

  
“Nah, how about you go upstairs and pick out a book from my suit case and brush your teeth and when I get up there I’ll read you bedtime story and we’ll go to sleep ok?” I asked him.

  
“Ok,” he said starting to walk down the hallway towards the living room stair case before he turned around, “Will?”

  
“Yeah bud?” I asked him.

  
“I love you. You’re my best brother,” he told me.

  
“I love you too bud. Go on I won’t be long,” I said as he turned and finished heading down the hallway disappearing into the dimly lit living room and up the stairs.

  
I turned around and went back into the kitchen to find Matt squinting at his paperwork his tongue between his teeth as he tried to concentrate. I sat down next to him and sighed, “What are we looking at?”

  
“It doesn’t matter it’s stupid,” he sighed throwing his pencil at the table.

  
“It does matter and it’s not stupid let me help you,” I said to him.

  
“You want to help me? I saw you get mad,” he said.

  
“What are you talking about?” I asked him.

  
“When I mentioned Da I saw you turn away and get mad,” he clarified.

  
“That wasn’t mad that was upset and I wasn’t mad at you,” I said.

  
“No, you were,” Matt said, “I know you were.”

  
“No, it wasn’t at you for saying it. It was the way you said it,” I answered, “Does that make sense?”

  
“Yeah, I did that thing Mike always tells me I shouldn’t do but when I’m frustrated it gets hard to play pretend,” he told me.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked him.

  
“Mike said that I should pretend I’m like Bruce Wayne when he’s at his fancy parties and how no one knows he’s batman because he’s so nice to everyone and he smiles and makes people laugh and he laughs with them even though he doesn’t think it’s funny because that’s something Bruce Wayne does to make people like him is he acts like the people around him. When I get mad it gets hard to be Bruce and I’m more like batman,” He told me.

  
“So, Bruce is your mask instead of Batman?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah kind of, Mikey says I’m really batman on the inside so I have to pretend to be Bruce just like batman does. It just gets hard to be Bruce sometimes because it’s annoying,” he told me.

  
“Well, how about we make a rule you don’t have to be Bruce with me ok? That way I can get used to who you really are and you don’t have to hide it all the time,” I told him.

  
“No,” he shook his head, “I can’t do that. I do that with Mikey and he’s ok with it and Uncle Ben so I don’t need anyone else. No offense.”

  
“Ok,” I said, “Why are you so mean to Mikey though?”

  
“I’m not,” Matt said looking up at me his eyes seemed weird. Not only were they cold, almost void but they had changed color from the usually mossy green they normally were to an almost ice blue, “I’m not mean to him and he knows it. I could be mean if I wanted to.”

  
“You don’t think killing something he wants to keep is mean?” I asked him.

  
“He’s mine he doesn’t get to have things he can’t share with me,” Matt said.

  
I was so shocked by the coldness in his voice, the venom that I almost wanted to pull away from him. To recoil but I didn’t want him to think I was afraid of him. I had never seen him do that before. Yeah, he had a way of being weird, being cold but I had never seen that type of coldness from him before. He sighed closing his eyes and taking a few deep breaths before picking up his pencil from the table.

  
“Anyway,” He said as if hadn’t just said the most malicious thing I had ever heard come out of an eight-year old’s mouth, “Can you help me describe some of the differences between the Lakota tribe and the Apache tribe?”

  
I looked at his eyes again. His eyes their normal mossy color again still beyond shocked trying to shake the cold confused feeling in my brain as I stared at him, “Huh, sure the Lakota where Nomadic that means they traveled around following their food while the Apache tended to be more about making a seasonal homestead where they stayed for a couple months out of the year instead of moving around every couple of weeks. The Lakota are actually a part of the Sioux tribes which is a big culture of people. Both tribe were from out west but the Sioux were from more of the great plains area where Apache were in the more mountainous areas near the cost.” I answered, “You need more?”

  
“No, I think that’s it,” he told me, “Thank you.”

  
“You’re welcome let me know when you’re done so I can turn off the lights and we can head upstairs ok?” I told him.

  
“Yeah,” he said writing in silence for a couple of minutes, “You see why I don’t need you though right? Why I need to make sure I’m Bruce with you?”

  
“I think I understand what you mean,” I said nodding my head.

  
“People don’t like me very much, people that knew me before I could be Bruce only Mikey has ever stuck with me and he’s probably going to always be the only one who does when I really let my Bruce mask slip. He knows that that’s how I am and he says that’s ok because he knows I love him. Even if it’s differently than how normal people love,” Matty told me shrugging his shoulders as he kept writing, “And I’m done.”

  
“Ok, you head upstairs to bed and I’ll turn off all the lights,” I told him.

  
“Ok, goodnight Will,” he told me.

  
“Goodnight,” I said turning around and making sure the range light was on before I turned off the main kitchen lights and then walked down the hall making sure those lights were off as well as the living room lights before heading upstairs.  
I was looking forward to not sleeping in that room with him behind me as I curled into the fetal position on my side hoping he didn’t wrap his arms around me. I was looking forward to maybe sharing a bed with my baby brother who had told me everything would be ok. That I would be ok.

  
When I got upstairs the one long hallway light was on that allowed us to see in the dark if we needed to leave our rooms and I opened the door to the room James and I had been sharing before Uncle Ben had claimed me, had made me start sharing a room with him, the room where my stuff still was and I knocked once and opened the door my stomach falling. Da was sitting on the bed with him.

  
He wasn’t touching my brother but he looked like they had been talking. So, I wondered what type of stuff he was telling him. What was going on or if I had just walked in on him finishing even though that didn’t seem to be the case.

  
“Hey honey come here,” Da said patting the bed beside him.

  
“Did something bad happen?” I asked him.

  
“No, not bad just come here,” he said and nodded my head sitting down reluctantly, “Mum had the babies.”

  
“What? I thought they weren’t due for another couple of weeks?” I asked confused and scared.

  
“They weren’t but apparently mum felt very stressed and was having issues she didn’t want us to know about because she didn’t want us to worry Aunt Bridget said she had been put on bed rest about a week ago, because she’d been really stressed about something and the doctor was worried about early labor. It happened but the babies are healthy just early. So, she’ll be coming home in another three weeks or so. I just wanted you guys to know that ok? Uncle Ben will be staying away for a little while until we can get mum used to the idea of him being around again,” he told me.

  
“Really?” I asked trying to keep my voice neutral. That meant I wouldn’t have to share a room with him anymore. That he wouldn’t be able to…it meant that I was free even if only for a brief amount of time.

  
“Yes, however I do expect if he comes to see you at school or something that you behave ok?” Da said to me making me feel like he had just popped my hope bubble.

  
So, he wouldn’t be at home but that didn’t mean he couldn’t come pull me out of class at school and do things to me. Interrupt a day that might otherwise be normal and make it the type of day I always had where someone was touching me when I didn’t want them to. That sucked.

  
“I understand Da,” I said.

  
“Good,” Da said, “Barry and Ben and I have also talked and we think it would be a good idea for you to have private lessons from him.”

  
“Da, please…,” I begged feeling my body start to shake just hearing his name. I hadn’t liked what Barry had done and I was not ok with being anywhere near him. He hadn’t raped me really and it hadn’t been violent but the feeling of not having control of my body the feeling of his hands on my skin had scared me almost as much as Ben did on some nights. I didn’t want Barry to touch me again.

  
“No, it’ll benefit you in the long run and begging doesn’t look good on you. You’ll do what you’re told,” he commanded me.

  
“Yes, Da,” I said folding my arms over my chest.

  
“That’s my boy. All my brave handsome smart boys,” he sighed before kissing James on the forehead, “Goodnight guys.”

  
“Goodnight Da,” I said as he got up and left the room shutting the door behind him as I went over to the dresser and found some PJ’s to start changing into.

  
“Who is Barry?” James asked me quietly.

  
“No one,” I answered not looking at him.

  
“Da said something about lessons. At the party when they talked about lessons a lot of the older boys and Luke said they were talking about when they do the things that make someone’s tummy feel funny. Like when Da or Uncle Ben touch me down there. Is that true?” He asked me sounding almost afraid to say it.

  
I nodded my head before I get the word out feeling exposed knowing my little brother knew that. Knew private lessons suggested someone making me take off my clothes and doing things to me. I didn’t want him to know that, it made me feel dirty him knowing that.

  
“Da let’s other people do that too?” He asked me.

  
“I huh…,” I trailed off taking off my shirt noticing how his little eyes followed the trail of bruises down my torso as I folded my arms across my exposed chest, “I don’t know. A little I guess?”

  
“Like who?” He frowned at me, “I don’t want to do it with Da or Uncle Ben I don’t want other people doing it too. Will he let other people do it to me too?”

  
He sounded scared and upset like he was about to start crying at just the thought. He was a baby and it wasn’t ok. It wasn’t ok that people would do that him. That Da would let someone do that to him.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, lied.

  
I was pretty sure they would. IF they were letting people do it to me they would probably let them do it to all of us. Cole, Finn, Quinn, even Teddy had made it sound like they didn’t think of us as people as their children but more like their property. As commodities, they could trade with each other whenever they wanted to.

  
I was just one body of 8 that he owned as far as I knew since I hadn’t heard about any girls being abused. One body of eight that Da was free to trade with and rent to whomever he wanted. My little brother didn’t need to know that though. To be sure of that. Not when he was only a couple of weeks away from being six.

  
“If he lets them do that how can you not know who they are?” He asked me confused.

  
“No, I know who they are ok? But I don’t know if he’s going to let other people do that to you,” I answered him sheepishly, “Barry is someone they know ok?”

  
I told him not wanting him to know it was our headmaster, the guy that was in charge of us at school. He didn’t need to be afraid of being at school too. Before we had come here school had been a refuge to me but now it was just another place where I felt attacked, exposed.

  
I felt like I had no place that was safe. My friends made me feel safer and home for right now could possibly be safe but, that didn’t mean it would always be that way. Da had made it sound like Uncle Ben was going to be coming back at some point and then for all I knew he would be sneaking into my bed at night like had done before we left home.

  
“It’s time for bed I think,” I told him feeling numb inside, letting myself relax to the point where I didn’t have to think anymore but could just breath. Telling myself that I didn’t have to worry about Uncle Ben tomorrow, that until Monday I was probably safe.  
“Ok,” James said settling down under the covers as I turned off the light before I hopped into the double bed next to him and he smuggled into me instinctively, “You’re ok, right?” he mumbled his voice already starting to sound heavy with sleep in the darkness.

  
“Yeah bud,” I sighed, “I’m ok it’s time to sleep.”

  
“It’s nicer to sleep with you here,” he said quietly, “I know you’ll keep me safe.”

  
“Same,” I sighed before I kissed the back of his head, “Night.”

  
“Night Willy,” he yawned before closing his eyes.


	20. Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will feels mortified when he finds out everyone knows about what happened at the party between him and Mr. Lord. His Da tells him he has to spend more time with Headmaster Watson which gets interrupted to Will's relief. John is finally allowed out of confinement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 274-292. I started class this week so updates might be slowing down a bit for a while. I'll try to update once a week if not Will's POV then John's part 2. **Chapter 2 in John's POV pt1 Warnings:** Talk of rape/non-con, underage kissing, showering, child abuse, mental health issues, Priest abuse

It didn’t take me long to fall asleep that night. It was the first night in a long while that I didn’t have uncle Ben up against me. Everyday seemed like it was one giant day when I was sharing a bed with my uncle and one week had easily turned into five and it had been almost two months since I had seen John. Two months since I had started school and I only realized this when I looked at the calendar the next morning while in the kitchen as I grabbed the milk out of the refrigerator.

  
That Sunday went by rather fast most of it spent reading and watching TV while my brothers ran around me. I actually I felt relaxed for once, not worried Da was going to do something because Da hadn’t been touching anyone and not worried about Uncle Ben either because he was gone and not currently allowed in the house. It felt like a good day that ended with hot dogs and tater tots and sleep with my little brother.

  
I had a dream that night that I was stuck to a rack and it was Mr. Lord pulling on it telling me he was going to pull me apart and give a piece of me to everyone who wanted one. First my left leg coming off which he handed off to some stranger I couldn’t…every piece of my body coming away from the rest while I stayed alive because for some reason I wasn’t bleeding until finally my head somehow separated from my torso and that he gave it to my Uncle. I woke with a start breathing heavy and sitting up suddenly knocking James off the bed which made him squeak and then I heard him shout.

  
“THAT WAS MEAN!” Tears in his voice.

  
“Oh, bud are you ok? I’m so sorry!” I said once I had realized it wasn’t real. That I at home running a hand over my neck and chest to make sure my head was still attached to my body.

  
“What was that?” He moaned standing up and climbing back into bed.

  
“Weird dream, are you seriously ok?” I murmured.

  
“Yeah other than I’m tired and want to go back to sleep and my butt is kind of sore,” he said which for some reason made me smile.

  
“That’s not anything new I don’t think, for me at least,” I said shrugging my shoulders as he shot me a weird look like he didn’t understand my meaning before scowling at me.

  
“Are you supposed to tell me that stuff?” He asked me after he had settled down back into bed.

  
“I have no idea I’m too tired to think about it,” I answered before rolling over and managing to fall back to sleep fairly quickly.

  
Next time we woke up it was because the alarm went off and we followed our regular routine without Uncle Ben in our faces me getting everyone up and ready to leave for my bus on time which we all took to school me dropping them off at the playground before I headed to my classroom. When I got there, I noticed the room was empty but the bell hadn’t rung yet so I stood outside of it awkwardly waiting for everyone to arrive when I saw Teddy approaching.

  
“Good morning,” Teddy said leaning back against the wall beside me turning his head to look at me.

  
“Morning,” I answered quietly.

  
“You ok?” He asked me.

  
“Actually, I’m pretty great, my Da kicked my Uncle out for now,” I answered.

  
Teddy laughed excited before looking around slamming his hand over his mouth to quiet himself, “No kidding?”

  
“Dead serious,” I answered not able to help the smile that spread across my face, “I mean it doesn’t mean I’m rid of him…”

  
“Of course not, life wouldn’t be that easy,” Ted said before I kept talking.

  
“Just means I have to see him less for a while I’m hoping. That I don’t have to…” I looked around checking the hall for people, “share a bed with him anymore.”

  
“I still have never heard of him even really caring about how comfortable anyone was with it let alone sharing a bed with him,” Ted said back lowering his voice to a whisper when people walked by.

  
“I’m just glad for now, like really glad,” I answered.

  
“My mom said she talked to you at the party,” Ted said.

  
“Yeah you said she was a lunatic and you were right,” I answered and he nodded his head.

  
“I wish my Dad could have pulled some strings so that I could live with him instead but, he tried and it didn’t work so here I am,” He sighed.

  
“Your Dad isn’t in the brotherhood?” I asked.

  
“No, my Dad left when Luke was born,” Teddy answered, “He’s never even met Luke. He turned 25 I was 6 and so he took off. He left as soon as he was allowed to leave.”

  
“Allowed?” I asked, “By who?”

  
“Brotherhood, the way they work is you make your final declaration of intent at 25 or sign your gag order they give you a sum of money and you take off never talk about them to anyone ever and that’s that. He wanted to leave so he sighed his gag order and took off. Mom didn’t want to leave. They pair people up like arranged marriages type of deal. Mom didn’t love him but for some odd reason she loved her dad. So, she married who she was told. He just happened to give the brotherhood what they wanted from him. Children and my mom didn’t want to leave so…he left without her. Without us. Usually it’s the other way around you know?” I had never really seen Teddy go that serious tears in his eyes before he smiled sadly whipping hard at his face, “But anyway so at least that’s good news for you for right now right?”

  
“Yeah,” I replied, “now I just need to get my brother back.”

  
“Your brother back? Oh, never mind I remember,” Teddy told me, “How is James doing by the way? Luke wouldn’t stop talking about him and this kid they go to school with Rob the whole weekend.”

  
“James is fine, he’s happy, why?” I asked him.

  
He looked around the hallway again as the bell rang and I went to go move forward before he grabbed me by the back of the shoulder hanging off me while he whispered in my ear “keep a very close eye on him.”

  
“Wha?” I turned around and started to ask and he just shook his head as we got in to the classroom.

  
“Later,” he said as we sat down.

  
I don’t really remember what happened in class that day my stomach in knots. What did he mean keep an eye, a close eye on James? Was there something he knew that I didn’t? Was James in danger? I felt like I needed to know what was going on.  
When the bell for lunch rang, Teddy grabbed my arm and pulled me down the hall into the bathroom making sure no one was in it and before I had a chance to ask he explained, “My grandpa has his eye on him ok?”

  
“Which one?” I asked him.

  
“My Dad’s dad,” He said, “Lord.”

  
I felt my face go pale as my body went cold a shiver going up my spine. The same guy who had raped me Friday. Who had called me little one and kept telling me to relax so that he didn’t hurt me. He had made it feel like it was lasing forever. Had made it feel…different even from Da and Ben worse almost. Like it was my fault it was happening, like I was asking for it.

  
I shook my head not sure what to say. He couldn’t have my little brother. He couldn’t do that to my little brother.

  
“Yeah, exactly what I’m getting at,” Teddy said, “he …he has a thing for kids ok? Everyone in the brotherhood knows it. As long as their Da has done it before him if he wants to he’ll…it doesn’t matter how old they are. Most of the older guys say that no one touched them until they were like 10 or 11. Our age and before I think those were the rules but Crawford died so that left Grandpa Lord in charge. That was like 6ish years ago. He’s been. I’ve heard as young as four ok? Your little brother is 5, right? Almost six?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered numbly, “He…at the party he…”

  
“I know,” Teddy said, “Everyone saw he brought you back out. You were the last one back.”

  
“So, everyone knows that he…?” I started gagging.

  
“Fuck,” Teddy mumbled as I crashed into a stall door falling as I managed to start puking into the toilet in front of me, “it’s ok man get it up…” Teddy said rubbing my back slowly, “Let it out its ok. It’s happened to everyone trust me.”

  
Everyone knew. Everyone knew the leader had raped me and no one has said anything about it. At least they weren’t making fun of me for it. It was bad enough they knew. Knowing they were aware of it made me feel that much worse. Sort of like everyone knowing I had wet the bed.

  
As my dry heaves racked my body Teddy just rubbed my back silently, comfortingly, “It’s happened to everyone no one who is worth it will ever say anything about it. I promise. If they do Finn and I will kick their asses,” he said causing me to laugh while I sniffled whipping my mouth on the back of my hand.

  
“Thanks,” I said, “Is it really everyone though?”

  
“Oh yeah,” Ted said, “They can start you at home whenever they want. I don’t even remember the first time…that anything happened. I didn’t even know there was anything wrong with it until I was seven or so. I saw someone …I saw someone kiss their grandpa on the mouth and they didn’t use tongue. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t give his grandpa a real kiss. And then I heard a couple of the other kids talking about how it was gross he kissed his family on the mouth without tongue let alone with. That’s when I knew something was wrong with my family.”

  
“I walked in on my Uncle with my brother. He was like eight or nine. John,” I said quietly, “I was six. We left not too long after that. For home.”

  
“Man, we’re both so fucked up,” Teddy sighed.

  
“Yeah,” I agreed, “So when say you keep a close eye on my brother you mean...? Try to make sure your Grandpa doesn’t get him?”

  
“Yeah,” Teddy nodded his head, “Has…your Dad?”

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“My Grandpa won’t touch him until your Dad does, so has he?” Ted asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “Yeah and I’m not proud of that.”

  
“Why be ashamed of it it’s not your fault?” Ted said cocking a confused eyebrow at me.

  
“He’s my little brother, it’s my job to protect him. Like John protected me. And I didn’t do a good job I didn’t get there until it was too later. Until he had already…” I stopped shaking my head.

  
“It’s not your fault. How would you have stopped him? He’s your Dad. You’re a kid we’re still just kids as hard of a pill as that is for us to swallow we can’t save them. We can only try to glue their pieces back together ok?” Teddy said patting my shoulder before he looked at me closely before his lips met mind suddenly and he pulled away his face burning red.

  
I stared at him shocked my brain just kind of going “what the fuck?” Like I was not expecting that. He was a good friend yeah but I wasn’t expecting him to kiss me. I mean Teddy was cute with his olive skin and dark eyes and dark brown hair. Like he was really attractive I just wasn’t sure I felt anything for him.

  
“Teddy,” I managed to say once I got over the shock, “I huh…”

  
“I know, I know, I’m sorry ok?” Teddy said, “It was a mistake can we kind of forget about it?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head slowly, “ok.”

  
“Let’s go grab lunch,” Teddy said to me his face still red, “Can you seriously though like forget about that?”

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

  
I was hoping he could forget about it. As we walked to lunch. There were more non-brotherhood kids at the school but somehow, I felt like everyone knew, like everyone was watching me. Judging me.

  
I saw headmaster Watson as I came out of the lunch line and he waved at me which I tried to hardest to ignore. I didn’t want people to know about that either. What the headmaster had done to me. I knew Finn, Quinn and Cole knew but I didn’t want anyone else knowing so I tried to ignore him until he tapped me on the shoulder.

  
“Come here for a minute Mr. McGregor,” He said sternly making me sigh and get up and follow him to a corner where we were out of ear shot before he spoke again holding tight to my elbow, “Did your Da and uncle talk to you?”  
“Yes sir,” I answered not looking at him but instead taking a keen interest in the tiles on the floor.

  
“I expect you to meet me in my office when class lets out at last bell,” he told me, “You’ll be done in time to ride the lower school bus home with your brothers.”

  
“Yes sir,” I answered again quietly before he gently tapped my chin making my eyes lift so that I was looking at him, looking into his eyes.

  
“Don’t think of this as being in trouble ok?” He said quietly.

  
“Are you ok?” Cole asked me walking by us.

  
I felt my face flush as I realized how weird it must have looked. How I probably wasn’t breathing my whole-body tense as he just touched my face me blinking trying to keep my face blank, passive. How that was really probably getting some stares.

  
“He’s fine aren’t you Mr. McGregor,” Headmaster Watson said and I could see Cole’s face darken in the corner of my eye.

  
“I was asking him headmaster, not you,” Cole answered.

  
“Cole, don’t,” I said turning to look at him, “I’m fine. Really.”

  
I didn’t want anyone getting into trouble on my account. Cole had already saved my ass once. He didn’t need to put himself in harm’s way by saving me again. I didn’t want to feel like I owed him anything else.

  
“Are you sure?” Cole asked me, “Seriously?”

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “it’s ok.”

  
“Barry, you can’t seriously think he wants to? I know exactly what you are talking about and he’s too young for you,” Cole said his voice just a whisper.

  
“Cole,” Barry warned, “You don’t call me that at school for starters and secondly I choose who I want to give lessons to, not you. Now go on.”

  
I sighed and so did Cole practically stomping his foot he was so agitated as he walked off and Barry nodded his head telling me I could leave as well. I went to go sit back down where I had put my lunch on the table next to Finn.

  
“Everything all, right?” Finn asked me and I just nodded my head.

  
I wasn’t very talkative after that and the day seemed to drag on every second seeming like hours my anxiety elevating every time the second hand on the clock moved. By the time the bell rang I could feel my hands shaking. Knowing I wasn’t going to leave to get on the bus. That I was supposed to grab my bag and go to the head master’s office.

  
I didn’t move after the bell rang for a few minutes. The whole class leaving as Teddy shot me a sympathetic look before he too left me sitting there in my seat. When I looked up Father Barney was watching me his eyes looking at me the same way they all looked at me.

  
“Mr. McGregor, you look so sad,” he said to me.

  
“Sorry sir, I’m leaving,” I said quietly grabbing my bag and quickly leaving the room to go where I was supposed to be because having it happen was less emotionally draining then watching someone imagine it while they looked at me.

  
When I got to the headmaster’s office the door was open and he stood up when he saw me in the door way, “Hi,” he smiled at me, “You can leave your bag here. I do believe we have around what 45 minutes or so?”

  
“Yes sir,” I answered quietly and he grabbed me by my wrists gently shutting his office door behind me as he left my bag inside his office on the floor next to the door.

  
He led me quickly through the main wing and up to the double doors that said upper school and pushed them holding them open for me as I stepped through. It looked weird. Like for some reason everything felt bigger and more intimidating. This was the high school. This was the school I would be going to in a couple years’ time and I wondered why we were over here until he turned down a long wide hallway and he opened another door.

  
It was a locker room and I felt confused. Why would he take me to the locker room? What was the point of this?

  
“Huh sir?” I asked him cautiously.

  
“You can call me Barry right now,” he said starting to take off his Cossack, “Why don’t you get undressed.”

  
“Why are we in here?” I asked him.

  
“We’re going to shower and then we’ll go to the physical therapy room and I’ll tutor you.” He answered me simply taking his shirt off and putting it down neatly on the bench behind him, “Come on now, get undressed don’t make me do it for you.”

  
“Why though?” I asked hugging myself tightly not wanting to take off my clothes in front of him again, not ever.

  
“I want you clean, why else would we…?” He sighed coming over to me as he took off his under shirt and undid his belt, “I’m not going to hurt you ok? I won’t hurt you I just want you clean so I can…”

  
He pulled my blazer off letting it drop to the floor and then undid my tie, “kiss you,” he finished before he kissed my lips.

  
I tried to pull away and he grabbed me hard by the inside of my elbows. I didn’t want this. I wasn’t ok. I wanted his hands off me. I didn’t want to have sex with him my whole body fighting me whining under the kiss as I tried to pull away.

  
“PLEASE, please,” I begged him.

  
“No, I want you clean you’re going to do this my way William, you understand?” He asked me my whole body shaking.

  
“I’ve-I’ve only ever …” I stammered.

  
“I know,” He said, “It’s ok you don’t need to explain. Mr. Lord said you shook like a little mouse when you were with him. He said you were everything your uncle said you would be and I don’t doubt it. You’re beautiful and just right.”

  
“I d….” I stopped myself from speaking, from finishing the word. My Da didn’t like it when I said any of those words and I didn’t think it would ok for me to use them here. In front of him. I wanted this whole situation to just disappear.

  
“You can say whatever you need to. I know your Dad is strict it keeps boys from getting into trouble but, you can use any words you need to with me ok?” Barry said.

  
“I don’t like being kissed there,” I managed to keep my voice steady.

  
“You mean here?” He asked cupping me through my pants causing me to nod my head and my lip to tremble.

  
The whole thing was beyond invading. I knew I had layers between us but that didn’t matter. He was still touching me. Still molesting me and he wanted to put his mouth there against my bare skin, put his mouth against the other part of me no one should touch.

  
“It’s ok. I know it feels weird but if you close your eyes you can pretend it’s someone cute that you like,” he said undoing my belt and then the fly on my khakis.

  
I started panting my heart racing just from the idea of him doing those things to me. I didn’t want him doing what he had done before. I didn’t want the feeling of his tongue against my skin.

  
“It’s ok beautiful,” he said pulling my vest over my head me having no choice but to let him, “So what do you want to tell me about yourself?”

  
“Do I have the option of nothing?” I asked him before I realized who I was talking to, “I-I mean…”

  
“No, see that’s what I hoping was there. Usually I don’t go for boys as young as you are because they tend to be insecure but you…even when you’re stuttering out of anxiety I don’t get that feeling from you. You seem sure of yourself. Do you know where that comes from?” He asked me.

  
“I’m not,” I answered quietly.

  
“You seem pretty sure you don’t want to break the rules,” He pointed out, “I like that.”

  
“It depends on whose rules I’m looking at,” I said.

  
“Well they aren’t yours,” he said.

  
“I’m 10 I don’t make rules,” I stated, “I…I’m not stupid.”

  
“Oh, definitely not,” he said starting to undo the buttons on my shirt, “quite the opposite in fact. I think you’re very intelligent. I actually think you have a temper but your intelligence is enough to keep it in check. I think you can read people and that it’s something you do well.”

  
“No well enough,” I muttered as he got my shirt undone.

  
“Maybe not but you’ll learn, you want to start taking off your own clothes now?” He asked me.

  
“Do I have choice?” I asked him.

  
“Considering your Dad and Uncle are the one who put together this little date for us I’d say probably not,” Barry said smiling at me, “You don’t have to hate it you know? I see something in you. That thing.”

  
“That thing that says I might like boys if I had choice in the matter?” I asked him.

  
“Is that your way of saying you think you’re gay?” He asked me.

  
“I didn’t say that,” I answered pulling my shirt off and letting it drop to the ground figuring it didn’t matter what I thought about it.

  
He did have a point this was happening because my Da and uncle said it could. If I didn’t do it, whatever it was in this case I’d probably end up receiving worse at home whether Ben was there or not. This was what the brotherhood was all about anyway. Men fucking boys. Even if the boys weren’t ok with it, didn’t want to do it.

  
I sighed as I pulled my under shirt up over my head crossing my arms over my chest as his eyes got that heavy-lidded look to them. That look of lust like he was thinking about what he wanted to do with rapt concentration. I averted my eyes trying to ignore the goose bumps raising on my exposed upper half trying to ignore the fact that he was looking at me like that.

  
“Don’t do that,” he said grabbing my arms and pulling them down my sides kissing the back of my hands as he did so sending a shiver through my body, “There you are. Your love line down your chest is almost healed.”

  
I looked down realizing he meant the hickeys going down the center of my chest and stomach. They had faded down to a barely there yellow and would be gone within a day or so. Him letting go of one of my wrists touching my waist line making me inhale and hold my breath. I didn’t like it when people touched my stomach. That’s how Da had always started was grabbing the waist band of my pants, his hand brushing against the skin above my belly button.

  
“It’s ok,” he said, “No reason to get jumpy.”

  
He finished undoing my pants pulling them down by the fabric on my thighs allowing them to slid down the rest of the way naturally so I was standing there in my underwear my shoes around my ankles keeping my pants on. It was always hard knowing I didn’t have a choice. That I had to do to it. That the control was in their hands and not just because they were adults but because my Da told them it was ok.

  
“Here if you’re not going to sit down lean on me and I’ll do it,” he said and I sighed taking a seat on the bench and taking off my shoes and socks as he went over and started the water in the shower area.

  
I still didn’t really get why he wanted me to shower with him. Why he wasn’t just raping me and getting it over with. I didn’t want to shower with him. Showering was something I did to get clean, to get away from them and here he was taking that, that safety and turning it into something bad.

  
“Is there any way we could skip the shower?” I asked him.

  
“No, I like my boys clean generally if I’m not in a hurry,” He said, “And you’re wasting time get in here.”

  
“I’m still wearing my underwear,” I said.

  
“Well then take it off and get in here. It’s not something that I haven’t seen before remember?” He asked me.

  
I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes. I wasn’t even sure how he had managed to talk me out of my clothes that time but he had. I already felt naked so I wasn’t sure how much of a difference it would really make but, I preferred to keep my underwear on.  
“Don’t make me go over there and drag you in here. You won’t be happy when I call your Dad,” Barry warned me.

  
I closed my eyes inhaling deeply before finally gathering to courage to pull down my briefs and kick them away to where I knew they would stay dry using my hands to cover myself before I stepped into the shower area.

  
“Come on then,” he said coming over to me and grabbing my arm again before pushing me up against the wall where he had turned on the shower head shoving his tongue in my mouth before I could stop him.

  
I pushed at his chest lightly. I wanted him off me. I wanted his hands off me as one grabbed hard and my right hip while the other gripped the back of my neck so I couldn’t pull away, couldn’t break the kiss.

  
At the time when he said he liked older boys it didn’t occur to me what older boys did in those situations. In those situations, older boys fought back like I was fighting back. Older boys didn’t take it laying down sometimes they froze up like I tended to but mostly they kicked and swore and bitched sometimes saying no don’t or stop while they did those things trying to get the handler off them.

  
“Please,” I said shoving at him as he finally broke our kiss trying to get him to stop, “Please.”

  
“It’s ok baby,” he said burying his face in my neck nipping at the skin, “I can make it feel really nice if you let me. You know that.”

  
“Don’t make me,” I said trying to ignore the way he was making my skin feel, making my body feel as his fingers tickled up and down my sides small light touches running from below my shoulder blades down to the back of my thighs and back up again.  
“You’ll like it,” he murmured.

  
“It didn’t feel right,” I told him, “last time it didn’t feel right.”

  
“Well, I’m not sure anyone has ever given that part of you that much attention like that. I personally find the sounds some of my boys make when I do that makes it all worth it,” he said his hand grabbing my butt cheeks in squeezing as I grabbed his arms trying to get him to stop as I turned away from him trying to avoid his lips on my face, on my Jaw bone.

  
“Please,” I begged him, “Please.”

  
“Let’s get you clean huh?” he muttered grabbing something from behind me taking his one hand off me and then I felt the bar of soap against the small of my back.

  
“Please just let me go,” I begged him, “Please you don’t have to. You know you don’t have to.”

  
“I want to. You tasted so sweet, a little dirty but so sweet,” he said, “And don’t think I didn’t notice how other parts of you reacted. I saw the spot on the cot after you were gone when I came back. Even if no one else knows, I know.”

  
He was right my body had responded. The friction of being rubbed against the cot as he pressed my hips forward into his hands so he could stick his tongue in there. It had gotten the response it seemed like they all wanted to get. I squealed when I felt his finger breech me and started to struggle against him again.

  
“DON’T!” I said pushing at him feeling my anxiety sky rocket, “don’t please.”

  
“Just breathe nice and deep,” he said his finger going in deeper making my mouth open in silent scream.

  
The pressure never felt good to me. Having someone putting their finger in there especially when it wasn’t something I was expecting to happen. I didn’t want this to happen my whole body starting to shake and shiver. Just then the door around the wall blocking the showers from view slammed open and he let me go and I ran back to my clothes grabbing my underwear and putting it on even though I was still wet because I didn’t want to be naked anymore.

  
By the time the person made it around the corner I had my pants back on and Barry was back in his own underwear. It was a young Priest. I wasn’t sure who he was but he looked like he was a teacher his brown curly hair standing up in odd places someone standing in the shadows behind him his eyes wide with confusion.

  
“Father Watson?” He questioned.

  
“Father Brandenburg,” He said greeting him as I pulled my undershirt on no one gesturing for me to stop.

  
“I didn’t realize anyone would be here considering no one has practice today,” Father Brandenburg said his eyes traveling to me before his gaze went back to Headmaster Watson, “Is everything ok?”

  
I quickly grabbed the rest of my clothes and pushed past him bumping into the person behind him who grabbed my shoulder and pulled me away out of the locker room, “Ok what the fuck were you doing?” The guy asked.

  
He was wearing a uniform so he was very obviously a student. I didn’t know who he was but he had eyes that were a really weird blue I almost felt like the might glow in the dark. I snorted.

  
“I was writing a letter,” I answered.

  
“Not the time, what the fuck were you doing? You know dangerous he is?” He hissed at me.

  
“NO, no I have no idea how dangerous he is I just thought I’d let him stick his finger up my ass,” I spat.

  
“Brotherhood?” He asked me.

  
“Nope, no clue what that means,” I answered sarcastically.

  
“You’re lucky I’m fluent in sarcasm otherwise this conversation wouldn’t be going well,” he whispered to me, “Listen to me don’t stop to put on your shoes or socks for anything go wait at the bus drive and take a bus home or start fucking walking. You can’t be messing around with him.”

  
“You think this was a choice I was making?” I asked him.

  
“Honestly, I figured it probably wasn’t,” he said, “So go.”

  
“And you?” I asked him.

  
“You mean Aaron?” He asked me his face flushing a little bit, “I huh, I make some of my own choices.”

  
“Oh,” I said, “Well thank you for the rescue.”

  
“It’s nothing, hopefully he won’t make it a thing for you because usually it’s our thing, coming here on Mondays when no one has practice days and...” He trailed off.

  
“Yeah well, going now,” I said hurrying off.

  
I hurried off to the buses and didn’t stop as I heard the bell ring from the lower school wing and by the time my brothers had gotten on the bus I was completely dressed again even though I was still pretty wet.

  
“Will why are you riding our bus?” James asked sitting down in the seat with me.

  
“And why are you wet?” Matt asked me frowning.

  
“Long story neither of which matter or need to be told,” I said to them, “Let’s go home ok?”

  
When the bus was loaded, we took off and it wasn’t a long ride home only about 20 minutes. Long enough for my hair to dry and when I got home I was tried but hurried ahead of my brothers into the house wanting to at the very least change my underwear so I didn’t have wet underwear sticking to my butt, “You guys know how this works, upstairs to wash up for dinner,” I said opening to door only to hear my Da barely utter the words

  
“go into the bathroom,” to someone as I opened the door.

  
“Hey Will,” Da said to me spatula in hand as he stood at the stove making mac and cheese.

  
“Da where is John?” I asked him.

  
It had been almost a month since I had seen him. Since any of us had seen him and Da had sent uncle Ben away and no one else was here. My skills of deduction worked quickly telling me that John had to be somewhere in ear shot, somewhere Da could talk to him because Da wouldn’t be telling himself to go into the bathroom.

  
“He’s probably just busy kiddo,” he answered me as he took the pot off the stove.

  
“Da I haven’t seen him in like two weeks, is he ok?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah buddy he’s fine, if you want to talk to him he’s in the bathroom, he just didn’t want the kids to see him because, we were having some fun you see? And he didn’t want to scare your brothers.”

  
“Huh, ok,” I answered him knowing that if they were doing something Da probably considered “fun” he wouldn’t be ok confirming what I had been thinking was going on was the case.

  
I went over a knocked on the bathroom door quietly, “John, I want to talk to you, can you let me in?” I asked him.

  
“Sure,” he said through the door before just his arm shot out grabbing me and pulling me into the bathroom shutting the door behind me.

  
I wasn’t sure what to think my mouth dropping open in shock looking at him. He looked sticky and sweaty an apron thrown around him tied at the waist and that was all that he was wearing. I had no idea what to think. Had Da been raping him while he cooked? Or had Da just made him have sex in the kitchen while the noodles boiled? I was so confused and scared. Was this something he had been dealing with the whole month he’d been missing?

  
“What are you wearing?” I managed to stammer.

  
“Will, dad’s not letting me be normal. If I act normal he’s going to hurt you, Mike, Matt and James and I can’t let him do that.” He answered me hugging himself around the middle his tongue touching his back molar.

  
It was a nervous habit he had displayed all his life. Whenever he was upset and trying hard not to cry or lying because he thought he was protecting someone his mouth opened in a slight o as in tongue barely touched his tooth. I don’t know why he did it, I never figured it out but it was his nervous tick he had and I knew he was trying not to cry. Not to show me how scared and hurt he was.

  
“Da’s making you wear that?” I asked him feeling sick to my stomach. Not sure what I could do for him but knowing he felt he had been going through this all alone. That he had been doing this for us and he thought he had been all alone in it.

  
“Yeah,” he answered shrugging his shoulders hugging himself tighter like me pointing out the fact that he was only wearing an apron just now made him aware his ass was hanging out behind him. The ass that he had pressed up against the wall as we talked.

  
“Is he raping you all the time? I haven’t seen you in like a month and sometimes I think I hear you crying at night,” I asked him. I knew that was probably what was happening. However, I had a need to hear the words from him. To know it was true from him because Da would never admit that.

  
“I I’m not sure, I mean I don’t want to but he’s not hurting me he’s just …. He’s having sex with me,” he mumbled into his own chest looking at his toes as he wiggled them like he wasn’t sure what to say. Like he wasn’t sure it counted because it didn’t always physically hurt.

  
“Mum is coming soon, she had the babies early,” I mentioned to him looking for a topic change because I could tell he was uncomfortable, that it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about and it was something he had been stuck with non-stop for weeks. That maybe he was looking for something a normal family might talk about. Some interaction normal brothers might have that didn’t involve talking about their Da raping them.

  
“I don’t know if that will help us any,” he said looking at me his face reading hopeless, “I don’t know if that will help me any, the only reason why he’s not hurting you guys or letting uncle Ben hurt you guys is because I agreed to do this.”

  
My stomach dropped. He thought Uncle Ben hadn’t been hurting us? He thought he was doing that so that uncle Ben wouldn’t hurt us. Da let him think that. That made me feel beyond sick that he had tried so hard, given into Da to save us and it was for nothing. I didn’t have the heart to tell him. To look at him and just say what was happening.

  
“YOU WHAT?! You know how crazy that is John? How is that going to help us, I mean I haven’t seen you in like a month, you look like you haven’t had anything to eat in a month you’re naked and covered in sweat. How is that going to help us?” I asked him.  
I was more shocked than terrified. Shocked that he would do something so desperate and then have it mean nothing because Da was so sick. That Da hated us that much that he would lie to keep John doing what he wanted him to. I didn’t want any of this. I felt so sorry that I had done this to John all because I hadn’t said anything when I should have.

  
“I had to, I can’t eat I’m too sick to my stomach. I think he’s crazy he acts like he thinks I’m mum. He hasn’t hit me yet but otherwise he’s acting like I’m mum, I make dinner every night I clean the house but, he makes me you know whenever he wants which is all the time.”

  
“I’m telling mum tonight when she calls,” I said. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I had already let her know. That it was probably my fault she had gone into early labor. That she had been worried about us and especially him and it had stressed her out enough the babies came early.

  
“No, you’re not,” he hissed, “You can’t, it will make him mad and then the deal will be off and he’ll call Uncle Ben back and it will be bad.”

  
“Ok, I’ll keep it quiet but if you can’t handle it you have to let me give you an out, deal?” I sighed.

  
None of that was a good idea but I didn’t know what else to say to calm him down. Sometimes he got angry at me for what it felt like was no reason. I understood why he was upset and figured it was the whole situation and not just me or anyone person but, it still made me feel bad whenever he lashed out at me. I didn’t want to be his punching bag.

  
“Yeah, deal,” He sighed.

  
I could tell he didn’t mean it. That he was thinking he had been protecting me my whole life and he wasn’t going to let that change now. That he wasn’t going to just give me over to them when really they had already taken me. Me and just about everyone else that was with us. Just then we heard a knock on the door.

  
“It’s Da, John I got some clothes you can join your brothers for dinner tonight,” he said and then opened the door and handed John a pair of pants without letting anyone else see the state of dress John was in. John took them and slid them on before he took off his apron like he was trying to save his modesty.

  
Everyone was so excited when we stepped out of the bathroom James almost ran into his arms hugging him tightly before he allowed John to sit down, John pulling Jay up into his lap to eat and then getting up for only a minute or two after we were all done eating to dig through his bag and show John a picture he had drawn at school of our family. To me it looked like a bunch of stick figures three of the stick figures sporting red squiggles on their heads while two circles did as well everyone else having yellow hair besides one which had brown hair and huge head making me think that was Da.

  
Mike and Matt told him about school. How in gym class they had played with stilts and practiced balancing for a free day but that next week when they went to gym they were supposed to play kick ball instead and how Matt preferred dodge ball and couldn’t wait until they played it again. Explaining both games to John in detail as if he had never played them before himself. It was the cutest thing watching them with him.

  
Watching how he interacted with them so easily. Like he was more their Da than Da was. Like was the most important person in the room. They really looked up to him and it made me feel slightly jealous. Like the things, I had done for them hadn’t really mattered all that much. Like while they loved me I was always going to be number two when it came to them choosing between John and me.

  
“Ok do your homework,” John said to the three of them as Da cleared the table which was something Ben had been doing for a while but I figured because Ben was no longer around that’s why he was doing it and I noticed him give John a look and then motion with his head towards to steps. He was telling him to go upstairs. That his time with us was up.

  
“Will, you’re helping them with their homework, right?” John asked me, pulling my attention away from Da and how he was being shifty noticing the look in John’s eyes asking me to help him. To do something, anything and knowing that there wasn’t much I could do.

  
“Yeah sure, I have to do mine too,” I answered. I had no problem helping them with their homework. It was something I did every night and figured he was probably just stalling, just trying to get a few extra seconds without Da touching him, a few extra moments of breathing space before Da made him head back upstairs.

  
“Ok I have to go upstairs for a bit, I’ll be back in a little while,” John said getting up from the table and sighing so heavily his shoulders moved with the effort before he slowly went up the stairs.

  
I could see how slowly he was moving trying to take every extra second he could as he followed Da up the stairs. Trying to just get those last few seconds as I frowned at his back, wishing I could tell him what the rest of us had been going through but knowing that it would break him. That he was probably so close to breaking.

  
I made sure everyone finished their homework mostly abandoning mine figuring I was fucking the principal and that I shouldn’t let that go to waste. If I did my school work I might as well be fucking him for nothing and that I was at least going to get some benefit out of the deal if I had no choice but to let him rape me. And we all settled in for a movie.

  
I didn’t know anything was wrong when I tucked everyone into bed that night. Any more wrong than usual. My night had been good. The fact that I hadn’t really been raped that day and had just been fondled maybe a little bit made that a good day for me.  
The next morning was a normal morning for me other than Da being up and moving around downstairs instead of already upstairs in the office. I wasn’t the only who noticed this as I poured milk into the bowls around the table James eyeing Da curiously.  
“What’s up bud?” Da asked him looking up from the paper he was reading while he sipped his coffee.

  
“How come you’re not at work?” He asked frowning at my Da.

  
“Your brother has a Doctor’s appointment that I need to take him to so I took the day off,” he informed the four of us, “I might not be home before you get out of school Will so your Uncle will be here.”

  
I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach, “What?”

  
“Yeah,” he looked at me, “What’s wrong?”

  
“Hold on,” I said sighing loudly before I went into the bathroom and shut the door.

  
He had just sent him away. I’d only been sleeping back in my bed I was sharing with James for three nights. I hadn’t been raped in two and I felt like the bruises on my ass were finally starting to heal. Now he was letting him come back? Just like that. He knew what Uncle Ben would do if he left me alone with him. He knew and he didn’t care.

  
“William,” I heard Da say as he knocked on the door, “Can you open the door please?”

  
“It’s unlocked,” I mumbled because it was.

  
I didn’t think my Da would respond well to a door that was locked in his house to keep him out. He knew I had gone in there because I was upset. Because I was trying to pull myself together because I didn’t like crying. I didn’t see the point in crying about something that I couldn’t do anything about and it frustrated me that I wasn’t always able to control my emotions. Especially when it came to that. Sure, I wanted it to stop but nothing was going to make that happen so why cry about something I couldn’t change?

  
I hated that fact that sometimes the tears just decided they wanted to come. That they wanted to be around. That my emotions didn’t always give the logical side of my brain a chance to reel it in and control it. I hated it because it was just one more thing I couldn’t control and that killed me sometimes.

  
“Hey,” He said opening the door and looking at me as I splashed cold water on my face, “Can you tell me why that upsets you?”

  
“Da it…it feels weird ok?” I asked him, “My body is sore and I just…I was hoping for more time.”

  
“Well, think of it this way, he can’t live here with us for a while so you’ll have some time a part from him,” He said before he grabbed me around the waist from behind grinding up against me hard, “Maybe if you get in some practice with me. See how fun it can be you’ll like him a little bit more when he moves back in?”

  
“Da…” I started to plead closing my eyes and taking a deep breath before I opened them again, “I have to go to school.”

  
“I know honey, it’s ok though, just let me feel you for a minute,” he said pressing on my hip bones with his fingers making it so I was popping my spine back up against his pelvis because of the pressure, “I think I remember…”

  
“what?” I asked quietly not sure what he meant not sure I had really heard him.

  
“I think I remember what you feel like in there. It’s been a little while but I think I remember it feeling nearly perfect, almost as good as your brother,” He said before he kissed my ear lobe, “Hurry up honey don’t want to be late for the bus.”  
He smacked me lightly on the ass sending a horrible sting through my system before he walked away leaving me to go grab my book bag and head off to school. I went outside and waited for the bus that pulled up a few minutes after I had left the house. When it pulled up I wasn’t expecting to see any of my friends but Finn was there on the bus so I went a sat next to him.

  
“What are you doing here?” I questioned.

  
“Dad didn’t want to drive me the morning. Had something he had to do,” Finn answered not looking at me.

  
“Your Dad drives you to school?” I questioned.

  
He smiled sadly not looking at me just nodding his head, “Yeah.”

  
“Oh,” I said before we fell into silence.

  
“It’s ok, I prefer the bus,” Finn answered, “Are you ok?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“Dude, what’s up?” He asked me.

  
“Just Da’s,” I answered, “Why do they have to be such assholes?”

  
“What did yours do?” He asked me.

  
“What didn’t he do?” I mumbled.

  
“You want to talk about it?” Finn asked me.

  
“You want to talk about why he drives you usually?” I shot back.

  
“Really?” He frowned, “Sure. He likes to blow me behind the school in the parking lot before he lets me leave the car ok? Happy? Now you?”

  
“Just like that huh?” I questioned.

  
“I’ve told you before you don’t talk about things they build up. I mean did I have to be crass about it? No, I could have said it differently but, you asked and I figured you probably already had an idea so…,” He shrugged his shoulders, “You’re turn.”  
At this point we were whispering. We didn’t want anyone to over hear us. For obvious reasons.

  
“The morning he grabbed me and grinded against me. Told me he was trying to remember what it felt like to do me. He took the day off work because John has a doctor’s appointment and I told you yesterday that like Saturday night he sent Ben away, made him leave the house. I thought that meant…more than 3 days. Da’s afraid he won’t be there when I get home from school so he’s…he doesn’t understand why. And he’s lied to John, told John that he’s keeping uncle Ben away. Not letting him hurt us. That’s why he’s been keeping John in his room. Why I’m not supposed to tell John he’s been around, that he was making me…”

  
“Share his bed?” Finn asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“It’s not even that he …” I shook my head and sighed, “It’s that he lied to my brother. That my brother thought all this time he was protecting us. I wanted to…I don’t even know.”

  
“You wanted someone to talk to that understood. And now you feel like you can’t because it will only hurt him more than he’s already hurting,” Finn said and I nodded my head, “Then don’t worry about telling him about it. If you need to talk to someone I know it’s not the same but, I’m here, Quinn, Teddy, we’ll all listen. Hell, even Todd and Julian and Donny will listen.”

  
“It’s not the same, he’s my brother,” I said.

  
“I wish my brother and I were like that but he’s…he’s fucked in the head,” Finn told me.

  
“How did that happen?” I asked him.

  
“I honestly couldn’t tell you. We were raised in this. For as long as I can remember my Da was doing something to me or making Wal do things to me. When I was five Wal was 10 so…I think he just developed a taste for it. Needless to say, Wal and I aren’t very close. Unless he’s forcing me to be uncomfortably close,” Finn said.

  
“I can’t imagine that,” I said feeling like I was going to cry. Not because what Finn had told me was so horrible because it really was but because my own brother and I were trapped in the opposite problem. Not sexually obviously, that wasn’t something I wanted with my brother but that it seemed like Da was trying to find ways to push us apart when we had been so close.

  
“You don’t need to be sad about it. It just is what it is. And I don’t need to remind you if you see my brother you run the other way. I’m dead serious Will you are exactly his type,” Finn said looking at me out of the corner of his eye before turning his head forward again.

  
“So, he’s violent?” I asked him.

  
“No just weird,” Finn answered, “Weird is sometimes worse though.”

  
“You’re telling me,” I sighed looking at him finally as the school came into view.

  
Finn looked back and me and smiled, “I mean I’m not normal but I don’t do that. I’ve tried to scout some girls but they make it hard so…”

  
I laughed, “What getting horny? Aren’t we a little young for that?”

  
“Hey I didn’t say I was looking for that type of activity a nice kiss or two I wouldn’t hate that though,” He said shrugging his shoulders as the bus stopped and the door open, “Come on, let’s get this day over with.”


	21. Twentyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will gets news that mum is one her way and John is now out of isolation. Matt's odd behaviors startle Will so much he feels compelled to look it up and see what's wrong with his little brother. Will walks in one something that startles him and then ends up having to face one of his biggest fears, watching his Da hurt someone else, someone that he cares deeply about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 292 to 308. I know people are reading this but, is this story not as good as John's or is it just confusing to follow because it's a different POV and moving slower than John's story? Let me know what you think. **Warnings:** Rape/non-con, mental illness, anxiety, mental health issues, swearing John part 1 chapter 3

The rest of the school day went by at a crawl and I wasn’t looking forward to going home but I knew I had to. I knew I had to go home to him. That he was probably going to put his hands on me. That he was probably going to rape me. I didn’t expect him to waiting for me at the end of the drive way when the bus pulled up and I felt myself internally recoil before my feet hit the ground him coming up to me and hugging me as the bus pulled away.

  
“God I’ve missed you baby,” He said.

  
“Ben, it’s only been three days,” I managed quietly.

  
“Three days feels like forever,” He muttered letting me go so I could walk. He barely let me get into the house before he was picking me up grabbing me by the ass and carrying me over to the counter shoving his tongue in my mouth.

  
I waited for him to move his mouth to my neck before I spoke, “Stop or I’ll tell John everything and I know you Da are trying to keep it from him.”

  
He broke away from me stepping back looking at me smiling, “If I were you I wouldn’t do that. You want to know why? You’ve never seen your Da angry and while I have a temper I’m fair and deal out my own punishments. Your Da though…,” He shook his head smiling like he was about to start laughing, “You’re Da when he gets mad he’ll give you to someone like me or worse. He’ll let them do whatever they want with you. You think your ass hurts now? Imagine someone doing that to your entire back side and then fucking you repeatedly. You won’t be laying on your back at all let alone sitting down. They’ll beat you bloody so if you were smart. You will never tell John anything you understand me?”

  
“He really doesn’t want John to know that…”

  
He cut me off, “That I’m here? That you’re mine? What do you think that would do to John? Don’t you think that would break him? Hurt him so badly that Daddy lied to get into his pants that he’d probably try to off himself? Which by the way comes with its own set of repercussions that you don’t want to see your brother go through. You love your brother as much as I’m sure you claim you do. You keep your mouth shut about us. It doesn’t ever leave your mouth you understand? Now if you don’t mind I have to go work out or something so I don’t break your arm or worse thanks for ruining my afternoon plans.”

  
He slammed his fists down on either side of the counter where I was still sitting before turning and walking away, probably going out to the garage where they kept some of the workout equipment. I tried to breathe. Da would really do that to me? And how had he not managed to hit me? I’d only seen him that angry with me once and he had thrown me against a wall and cracked my skull but here I was sitting on the counter and he was probably punching a punching bag.

  
Before I realized it, I was crying. I felt so alone I was crying. Da hated us. He hated us so much he had told a lie so big that I could never tell the truth or it would destroy my brother. I couldn’t be the reason he lost hope. If we could hold on we would be out of this when we were 25 if we couldn’t. If we couldn’t…I didn’t want to think about it. Somehow, I managed to pull myself together before my little brothers walked into the house and start making dinner Ben coming back shortly after they did.

  
“Hey kids,” he said to them as I followed the directions on the hamburger helper box until I felt him wrap his arms hard around my waist.

  
“HUH, hot meat in front of me, with grease,” I muttered.

  
“Relax,” he said pressing against me.

  
“Uncle Ben why do you have to do that?” Matty asked, “It’s weird I don’t want to see that.”

  
“You’re not worried about him hurting him?” James asked frowning.

  
“He’s not going to hurt him but it’s weird it’s like watching mum kiss Da I don’t want to see that,” Matty said.

  
I felt my face flush. That’s what Matty thought of me? Of this? That this was ok? It didn’t bother him that I wasn’t willing to let Uncle Ben do that to me, that I didn’t want it. It didn’t bother him that hearing him refer to it like it was like watching mum and Da kiss bothered me.

  
“Can you let me go?” I asked feeling like I was going to pass out his hardness grinding against my back.

  
“You really want me to?” He asked me. He didn’t even have to threaten me.

  
I knew what he was hinting at. That if it wasn’t me it would be someone else. That was always his go to. It would be Mike or James. I sighed trying to get myself under control.

  
“I need to finish cooking dinner,” I said grabbing his forearms trying to unlatch myself.

  
“What if I don’t want you to?” He whispered into my ear squeezing me tighter, “What if I want to fuck you?”

  
“Ben please, I’m begging you please just let me finish cooking them food and you can do whatever you want to me downstairs ok?” I whispered.

  
He stopped squeezing like he was thinking about it for a second before he loosened his grip and let me go, “Ok.”

  
“Thank you,” I said loud enough for everyone to hear.

  
“Just …I’m sure you understand what happens if you decide not to go through with the bargain you made,” He said.

  
I looked over at my little brothers and sighed, “I understand.”

  
He allowed me to finish cooking. It was the first time I had ever done a hamburger helper on my own and I remember being proud of myself for doing such a good job even though it was just following directions on box as it set it out in front of everyone. Feeling good that I had actually managed to make something more complex than just boxed macaroni and cheese.

  
“Are you ok?” James asked me as I started at my plate.

  
“Yeah bud why?” I asked him.

  
“Because I just told you that at school Luke said Teddy was going to a big party this weekend and I asked if you were going,” James answered, “And you didn’t say anything.”

  
“I’m sorry I wasn’t listening,” I answered, “I don’t think I’m going. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

  
“No,” Ben answered, “No he’s not going. Speaking of Will are you done eating?”

  
“I huh, I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“You don’t have to be nervous,” He told me, “You’ll be fine.”

  
“I’m not,” I lied.

  
“You’re going to spend alone time with him?” Matt asked Ben and I felt my face turning red.

  
“Yes,” Ben said, “After he’s done eating. Are you done eating?”

  
“I’m not very hungry,” I answered.

  
“Can I watch?” Matty asked making my mouth drop open and Ben laugh.

  
“Maybe another time,” Ben said after a moment like he was really considering it.

  
My little brother wanted to watch that? To watch my uncle rape me? There had to be something mentally wrong with him in order for him to believe that was ok. Because he knew I didn’t like it. That I didn’t want to do that. That I wasn’t ok with it and yet he wanted to watch it happen?

  
“Why not now?” He asked Ben.

  
“Because I haven’t seen him in a little bit and generally alone time means alone,” Ben answered him flatly, “now why don’t you three go watch TV?”

  
“Ok,” James said not wasting any time as he left the table and scurried away probably not wanting to see me be groped.

Mikey grabbed Matt’s hands and pulled him away as I gathered the dishes from the sink Ben wrapping his arms around my waist as I grabbed up the last bowl almost making me drop them as he grinded himself against my back. Why couldn’t he just wait?  
“You’re so sexy right now,” he muttered into the nape of my neck as I put the bowls back down on the table and grabbed his arms trying to untangle myself.

  
“I should do this first,” I muttered.

  
“Oh, you can,” he responded, “You can do it while I play a game.”

  
He started undoing the belt of my khaki’s his grip not loosening even a little bit. I wanted to tell him no. That this wasn’t ok, that I wasn’t ok. Da had said that wasn’t something I was allowed to do though and I knew if I said the word he I would be in trouble.  
“Not here,” I said shaking my head.

  
“What? Afraid I’m going to hurt you?” he asked me.

  
I shook my head, “No I just …not here ok?”

  
“Can I take you where I want to? No complaining?” He asked me to which I nodded my head.

  
He picked me up and carried me up to stairs. So, it was going to be one of those times. Not hard and fast and painful that was easy to deal with but slow and stinging and soft. That was always harder for me.

  
He grabbed me by the back of the neck and shoved his tongue in my mouth running it along the roof of my mouth tickling, making me want to pull back. I tried to blank out, to allow myself to fade away as his hands started fumbling with the buttons on the oxford my tie and vest something I had taken off when I had gotten home. The moment my neck was exposed his kissed moved down my jaw bone to my neck his hands going back to my pants as he somehow managed to sit down on the bed without dropping me putting me in his lap so I was straddling him as he rubbed one hand up and down my back as soon as he had gotten my shirts off.

  
“You feel so good baby,” he said to me looking at me, giving me that look. That look that made me freeze. That look that said I was his.

  
“Why me?” I asked him suddenly.

  
“What?” He asked his nose wrinkling in a frown.

  
“Why me? Why do you want to have sex with me? Why not someone else?” I asked him somehow finding the courage to look into his face as his hand cupped my cheek.

  
“Well,” he sighed thinking about it, “You’re beautiful. I see something in you. I don’t know what it is but I find it irresistible. If your Da would let me I could train you up. You’d be my perfect little sex pot. Obedient, making just the sounds I want you to. Doing things exactly the way I want you to do them. I think if you’d let me I could even make you like it.”

  
“I don’t think so,” I answered quietly sorry that I had asked the question.

  
“No,” he answered musing, “I think I could. I can show you,” he said before he maneuvered us again so he was laying on top of me.

  
Just having his weight on me made it hard for me to focus. Not because it felt good but because it was terrifying, thinking of what that meant was terrifying. I didn’t like the feel of anyone on top of me. From there he moved quickly as he finished stripping me of my clothes and then him of his.

  
“Close your eyes,” he told me breaking away from me, his mouth unlatching from my neck.

  
“What?” I barely whispered.

  
“Close your eyes, I won’t hurt you. I promise,” he muttered again his voice husky and full of heat, lust.

  
I knew I didn’t have a choice so I did as he said. I took a deep breath and I closed my eyes feeling his hands travel slowly down my sides. Struggling to keep my eyes closed. To give him control because I knew that’s what he wanted. I felt his tongue lap at my nipple making me bit my lip to try and keep it from trembling but it didn’t work.

  
He sucked on my left while rolling my right between his fingers my body responding by not being able to hold still as the heat started to grow in-between us. I couldn’t understand, I still don’t understand why he liked this. Any of this.

  
That’s all he did for the longest time. Suck and lick and kiss my nipples until my skin felt like it was on fire. Until I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Me not able to keep my eyes shut once I felt his mouth start moving lower. I opened my mouth to beg him to stop and then realized that wasn’t something I was allowed to do choosing instead to grab a pillow and stuff it in my mouth. That maybe if I screamed into the pillow I could get away with it.

  
He had spanked me until my ass was bruised for telling him to stop last time. For saying no. The bruises still there reminding me of it. I closed my eyes again after stuffing the pillow in my mouth his hands sliding up and down my outer thighs making me want to scream as he nipped and kissed my belly button. I remember the feeling as his tongue glided over the skin on my hip as he muttered something into my hip bone before that wetness made my eyes open again stealing my breath my skin already on fire, every cell in my body already completely awake a responding as I fisted the sheets to keep myself from pushing him away.

  
It always felt painful in a way that I still can’t explain especially when it didn’t hurt because that’s when he felt most dangerous. That’s when I always felt like I was walking a tight rope waiting to careen over the edge after losing my balance. After a few minutes of the heat continuing to pool and build it got to the point where I couldn’t hold back anymore, where my body just gave into his demands that feeling of having to pee, to push overwhelming all of my senses as I came in his mouth him moaning happily and digging his nails into my ass cheeks as he raised my hips in his hands to swallow as much of me as he could, as deeply as he could the sucking noises making me feel sick to my stomach as my whole body shuddered my eyes fluttering as I locked my jaw trying to keep myself from making any sound, from giving him the satisfaction of hearing my reaction and not just feeling it.

  
When he broke away from me a string of spit left us connected as he sat up smiling at me, “That was amazing,” he muttered rolling off me and then using his elbows and arms to pull himself up so his face was level with mine in the pillows,” I see you couldn’t keep your eyes closed.”

  
I sighed moving the pillow away from my face shrugging my shoulders. I wasn’t sure if he was going to punish me or not but I figured the only punishment he could really deliver was to beat and fuck me so why not let him know how I felt about the whole thing, that I wasn’t happy with it at all.

  
“How much trouble do you think your brothers have gotten into?” He asked me suddenly probably realizing that while he was up here with me Matty and Mikey were in charge downstairs in front of the TV.

  
“I don’t know but, they’re probably hungry,” I sighed rolling over and standing up looking around for my under wear and pants finding them and bending over.

  
“Now I can see why Barry loves to bury his face in that,” he said from where he was still laying on the bed making me freeze up him laughing lightly at the change in my body language, “relax I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  
“That’s a lie,” I replied standing up and pulling my pants on quickly leaving my underwear where ever they had landed when he ripped them off me, “I’m going to go back to them now.”

  
“Suit yourself,” he muttered, “Are you making dinner?”

  
“Don’t I usually?” I questioned him.

  
“You’re too mature to be 10, sometimes I almost forget you sound like you’re at least 14 if not older. The way you speak sometimes,” he commented.

  
“Someone has to take care of everyone. Might as well be me,” I answered doing up my fly and leaving the room hugging myself.

  
I didn’t bother to try and find my under shirt or oxford, figuring someone would drop it in a laundry hamper sooner or later to be taken care of. I wandered back downstairs to find my brothers watching Moesha on the TV. So, this is what they were doing instead of homework? I thought to myself.

  
“Guys come on,” I sighed turning off the TV, “Homework.”

  
“I don’t have homework,” Matty told me.

  
“Liar,” Mike said, “I know you have homework.”

  
“You…”

  
“Guys, come on,” I sighed shaking my head, “I’m tired ok, just do your work.”

  
“What he fuck you?” Matty snarled causing me to do a double take.

  
“What did you just say?” I asked.

  
“You heard me,” Matty said raising his eyebrows giving me a cold sneer.

  
So, this was his “batman” persona today I figured. Both Mike and Jay stared at him their mouths open in shock at his daring. At the fact that he had not only lied to me but that he had commented on what was probably happening upstairs to me.

  
“You don’t use that language,” I said making sure I stayed calm.

  
“The guys at school do,” Matt pointed out, “Your friends do. Why can’t I?”

  
“Because you’re eight,” I answered simply, “And you shouldn’t talk to me that way anyway.”

  
“Why not?” He asked his smirk growing.

  
“I’m your older brother and our younger brothers don’t need to hear you talk like that. Matt don’t think I can’t spank you. That I won’t. Snap out of it,” I warned.

  
“Don’t like the bat huh?” He said shrugging his shoulders and pursing his lips, “Don’t ask me to be myself with you if you can’t deal with it.”

  
“Got it, I’m going to go make dinner, I figured hotdogs were probably fine,” I said, “Everyone ok with that?”

  
“I am,” James said finally saying something, “Can I come with you?”

  
“Sure bud,” I said nodding my head, “Come on. You two homework now.”

  
I walked away. I couldn’t deal with him like that. I don’t know how I managed to appear so calm but I felt like my heart was racing. I could tell he was trying to upset me, get me to respond almost like what Da and Uncle Ben did touching me, running their hands over my skin because they knew it would make me squeal, make me try to pull away.

  
“Will?” James asked me pulling me back out of my thoughts.

  
“Yeah bud?” I asked him.

  
“What does fuck mean?” He asked me.

  
I felt my cheeks flush slightly, “It’s when they…put their penis in your butt or when they put their mouth down there. It’s an adult word for it that we’re not supposed to use so don’t say it again ok?”

  
“Ok,” He said nodding his head, “Did Uncle Ben really do that to you upstairs just now?"

  
“Jay,” I sighed, “I really don’t want to talk about it right now. It’s not anything against you and usually I’m ok with it just right now I feel like I can’t…”

  
“Sorry,” Jay said quietly.

  
“It’s not you bud I just…I feel gross and I have to cook dinner and I have my own homework to do ok?” I tried to explain.

  
“Yeah, it’s ok,” He told me going over to the door and grabbing something out of his book bag before he sat down at the kitchen table.

  
He quietly worked on something while I cooked hot dogs and carrots with Mac and cheese on the side. I called everyone to dinner when it was done and we mostly ate in silence. I didn’t feel like talking and I think they could all sense it. That they all knew something was wrong and at least of them didn’t want to talk about it because the respected me and cared about me while the other one, Matt I could see the curiosity behind his eyes, his eyes still being that weird crystal blue his mask that he wore everyday still not in place as he watched me eat tentatively.

  
“Ok you two I want you to go watch TV,” I said to Mike and James, “Matt help me with the dishes please.”

  
“Why me?” He asked me.

  
“Because you and I need to talk now help me. You can dry I’ll wash,” I said as I grabbed my plate and Jay’s and walked over to the sink.

  
“Are you mad?” He asked once he had joined me at the sink looking at me closely.

  
“At you being stupid and using adult words? Yeah, I’m slightly perturbed. What gave it away?” I chortled.

  
“The way your shoulders look tense. The way you’re looking at me. You look like you’re trying to be calm but you’re really mad on the inside,” He said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Why don’t you put Bruce on?” I asked him.

  
“Don’t feel like it,” He shrugged his shoulders as I handed him a plate to dry, “Why did you decide you like the lie so much?”

  
“Because at least then I can pretend you’re normal,” I answered, “Pretend something about my life is normal.”

  
“Nothing about our lives is normal,” Matty sighed heavily as if he were bored, “So did he?”

  
“What?” I asked shaking my head confused.

  
“F….” I cut off his words

  
“Don’t say it Matt I swear. There are better ways you could word that and you know it don’t antagonize me,” I warned.

  
“Like you’d do anything about it anyway but fine, did he have sex with you?” He asked me.

  
“That’s what he made me go with him to do so what do you think Matty?” I hissed.

  
“What does it feel like? I always think it hurts,” He asked me.

  
“Well, then you know the answer,” I told him.

  
“Does it ever feel good though?” He asked me.

  
“Weird. It feels weird,” I shot back, “What is the point of this?”

  
“Of what?” He asked fringing innocence.

  
“Of asking me this. You know what it’s like Da and you even said the other night it’s something you do all the time so why on earth are you asking me about it? You already know what it’s like so there isn’t any point in asking me,” I pointed out.

  
“Just curious if it’s the same for you as it is for me. Da said John likes it. That it feels good to him,” Matt said, “He said it will feel good to me too when I get to be a little bit older but that it has to do with my body being little, being not used to it.”

  
“I’m not much bigger then you are. And I think Da is lying I don’t think John likes it at all. I think John hates it as much as I do,” I answered.

  
“You hate it even when they don’t go inside? Even when they just use their mouth?” He asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered handing him the last dish and taking the stack of dry dishes beside him and putting them away in the cupboard, “I’m going upstairs to my room to go to sleep. It’s 6:30 I’ll come back down and make sure you three are in bed by then.”

  
I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t. I was too angry and he knew it. He had done it to piss me off I realized that I just couldn’t control my reactions anymore.

I made my way upstairs to the room I shared with James and didn’t wait to see if Ben was leaving or if Da was home or what was going on but pulled out my book hugging it to my chest. I wanted to cry. I wanted to mourn the Matty I thought could have existed outside of this reality. The happy kid that maybe would have been a little off but, would have been ok.

  
This Matty wasn’t ok. This Matty was dark, was an animal killer and someone who didn’t have any empathy, who would say shocking things just to watch someone squirm. My Uncle had raped and my little brother had asked if he could watch him do it. And then when my Uncle had told him no he proceeded to taunt me about it, ask me questions. It took me a while to decide that I wanted to know what I could do, how to handle my brother and when I was sure everyone was busy I took the lift upstairs to the third floor where I knew the offices were, where I knew the computers were.

  
I hit the mouse when I noticed the one was asleep in the second office that didn’t have Da’s personal papers all over the desk and I went to internet explorer. I looked up psychopathic children. There wasn’t too much information other than most children with psychopathic traits were diagnosed with different conduct disorders such as oppositional defiant disorder or what they called CU Callous unemotional traits which was something Dr. Larkin had mentioned. Kids like this were easily annoyed with other, did this to purposely upset and annoy others, lacked empathetic feelings for others and sometimes enjoyed tormenting others in physical and emotional ways. They knew their behavior was unacceptable but did it because they found it fun to play with people, to upset people.

  
While they knew their behavior was wrong and would sometimes lead to punishment, punishment has little to no effect on these children to deter them engaging in their violent and destructive behaviors. Conduct disorders like CU and ODD are known as precursors to Anti-social personality disorder or the personality disorder normally associated with psychopathic tendencies and behaviors. Many psychopaths are highly intelligent and are able to hide their inner self well. They learn this from watching the behavior of those around them and adapting themselves accordingly.

One article I read said it was like wearing a mask. They wore a mask with another face on it, a charming face that was socially acceptable doing their best to hide their maladaptive behaviors from those around them. They started developing the ability to mask themselves between the ages of six and eight and before that they were prone to displaying acts of unexplainable brutality and violence.

  
All of these fit Mathew to a tee. From the way he described how Mike had to remind him to be Bruce instead of Batman to his killing of the little Lizards and even the Bunny Rabbit Mike wanted to keep as pets. To displaying an interest in not only making me emotionally uncomfortable around him by asking me questions that he knew would upset but even his request to watch Ben hurt me. To watch Ben rape me.

  
My little brother was sick. He was so sick there was nothing anyone could do to fix him. No hope that he would ever be able to live a normal life. He would never know love. He would never understand it. His world would only allow him to feel joy when others felt pain. Would only allow him happiness if others were suffering.

  
The only way to treat him was with medication and even then, the hope that he would ever live a normal life where he could actually care about people was very small. I needed to talk to my Da about this. My Da was the only one who would allow him treatment if he wanted him treated at all. Just like the rest of us, my Da held my brother’s life in the palm of his hands.

  
I sighed clearing the history of the browser before I got up and turned off the light. I hadn’t realized how late it was. That it was nearing nine pm. That it was past the time I had told Matt I would come and make sure the three of them were ready for bed. I sighed and then wandered downstairs and entered their room without knocking.

  
Uncle Ben was sitting on the bed next to them his body weight supported by his knees as he peered at them intently his hand mid gesture like he was telling them to do something as Matt straddled Mike’s hips both of them naked Mike looking terrified like he didn’t know what he was doing, what was going on. Like he wasn’t sure he wanted this to happen.

  
“What are you doing?” I asked Ben.

  
“We’re just playing,” Matt answered before Ben said anything to me.

  
“You’re done playing, Mike come on sport,” I said and when Matt didn’t move I grabbed him by the elbow and dragged him off causing a shout or two from him and tried again, “Mike it’s ok, come on. You’re all right.”

  
“Yeah,” he said nodding his head and standing up, “Ok am I coming with you?”

  
“Yeah sport you’re coming with me,” I said nodding my head as I grabbed a shirt from the floor probably Ben’s, “You two want to play you play together you don’t bring him into this. He’s not like you two.”

  
“So, I’m like him?” Matty asked me.

  
“From the way you were laying on top of him, your twin brother I might add yeah, I’d say you probably are,” I told him, “You two want to do that with each other that’s fine but you leave him out of it.”

  
“They’re a packaged deal, ask them Mike won’t do anything without Matt,” Ben said.

  
“Mike’s not doing anything with anyone. Matt if you want to say no you can come with us and you can share a bed with Mike and James but, you don’t touch them like that. Ok?” I said.

  
“Oh, come on you’re ruining my fun baby,” Ben said standing up before he pushed me hard into the wall, “If you’re not going to let them play we’re going to play. You know that, right?”

  
“Can I watch?” Matt asked.

  
“Maybe,” Ben said turning back to look at him, Ben’s hand on my neck ready to squeeze.

  
“Let them leave,” I said trying to sound brave when really, I was so scared. Scared that my brother was going to get what he wanted. That he was going to be allowed to watch as my uncle raped me.

  
I closed my eyes and tried to breathe his hand moving from around my neck to rubbing my collar bones roughly his lips pressed into a thin line like he was thinking intently as he looked at me thinking about that. Thinking about what he wanted to do to me. I blinked and found my last bit of courage.

  
“Let them leave,” I repeated.

  
“No, you see. If I want them to stay they’ll stay and you know why? You don’t have any say here, you walked in on this, you want it to stop you do what I say. This isn’t your game to play baby. This is my game. You’ll play my way,” He warned.

  
“Let them leave,” I said again, “I’ll…I’ll do whatever you want. Just make them leave.”

  
“I don’t want to stay here,” Mike scoffed frowning as he starred at us before Ben grabbed me hard by back of the neck slamming his lips against mine, kissing me hard.

  
I grabbed his wrists trying to unlatch his hand from the back of my neck. He was going to rape me in front of them. He was kissing me in front of them. I felt sick to my stomach. Da had told him he couldn’t that he wasn’t supposed to. That he had to stop for a while because mum was coming home soon that was until this afternoon when he said he was going to be watching us while he was out with John.

  
“Da said you can’t,” I lied.

  
“You think I don’t talk to him. He said I couldn’t touch them and I wasn’t. They were touching each other. Come on baby, let’s show them what it looks like,” He said as Matt and Mike moved away from the bed Mike covering his eyes with his hands trying to hide himself from what he was pretty sure was going to happen.

  
“I get to watch? Really?” Matt asked excitedly.

  
“Yeah,” Ben said as he grabbed me by the elbow and pushed me onto the bed stomach down his hands going to my pants wrapping around my waist as he ground his hips into mine, “It’ll be fun won’t it baby?” He muttered sucking on the nape of my neck as he hands started working at my khaki’s scrambling to get them undone and pull them down my legs.

  
He was going to rape me in front of them. I felt like I was going to die my face the hottest it had ever been. It wasn’t like I could stop him. It wasn’t like I could tell him no that I didn’t want to and it felt like doing so would be wasting breath anyway. Because even if I told him I wanted him to stop it didn’t mean that he would.

  
Just then the phone rang that was sitting on the night stand next to the bed, “Fuck me,” Ben sighed before getting up leaving my pants half way down my legs resting against the back of my knees as he answered the phone, “Yeah?”

  
I didn’t listen to the conversation until I heard him swear under his breath, “Yeah I’m putting them to bed right now. Yeah, I know it’s like nine and that’s past their bedtime but James is asleep. Yeah, I got it. Connor, I said I got it they’re all going to sleep now. Not just bed but actual sleep. Ok yeah, thanks.” He finished and hung up the phone.

  
“Ok guy’s bedtime for everyone, PJ’s on and into bed,” He said harshly.

  
He sounded pissed. Pissed that he didn’t get his chance to touch me again when he wanted to. When he wanted my brothers to watch that. To watch him rape me. To watch him kiss me like that. I sighed in relief as I rolled over and stood up pulling my pants back up and doing them up quickly.

  
“Night,” I said getting ready to leave the room.

  
“Not so fast baby,” he said making me stop in my tracks, “give me a minute.”

  
I went out into the hallway fuming. Really? He couldn’t just let me go he had to further my humiliation? Awesome. Just awesome. I waited out in the hallway for me to leave them alone. To exit their bedroom, him turning off the light as he shut the door behind him.

  
“That was your Da,” He said once the door was shut.

  
“I figured,” I answered, “So he said John had a Doctor’s appointment and that’s why he was gone?”

  
“Yeah John broke his arm so it’s going to take him a little longer then he’d like to get home,” Ben answered.

  
“What? When?” I asked feeling my face contort with distress.

  
When would John have time to break his arm and what would he have been doing that would make that even possible. He hadn’t left Da’s bedroom in weeks until recently as far as I knew let alone the house. Did he fall down the stairs at some point? What the hell had happened? Was he ok?

  
“He’s fine other than his arm is broken and he’s getting a cast,” Ben said, “Now what I wanted to talk about. You don’t do that. You don’t tell me what to do. If I was in a bad mood you’d be downstairs right now you realize that?”

  
“You were going to…” he cut off my words

  
“I don’t care what you think I was going to do. You listen to me, you don’t listen to anyone else but me or your Da. You don’t tell me what to do you don’t tell me I can’t do something. I want to watch your brothers fuck I’m going to watch them fuck you understand? I want them to watch me fuck you that’s what’s going to happen. You’re mine. You breathe when I tell you to, you eat when I tell you to, you think, when I tell you to. You understand?” He hissed at me.

  
“Yes,” I answered quietly a shiver going down my spine.

  
He was being nice. He didn’t have to warn me. He could have just punched me in the face no one would have known. He could have beaten me to a pulp as long as it wasn’t what my Da considered a serious injury nothing would have been done about it. It didn’t take a rocket scientists to understand that.

  
“God to bed,” He said and I nodded my head before going quietly into the other room and closing the door using the small nightlight on the wall to get changed and climb into bed.

  
I don’t remember dreaming that night. Nor do I remember uncle Ben coming in and bothering me. I don’t remember hearing his footsteps only James whining as he threw open the door.

  
“That little shit wants to tell me no? I’ll show him what no means,” He mumbled to himself grabbing my hard by the elbow and leading me through the house practically throwing me down the stairs in the kitchen and then doing the same on the way to the basement.

  
I remember my brain being too tired to process what he was doing what was going on. I knew it was Da, I wasn’t stupid. But my brain couldn’t figure out what was happening until he opened the door to the room John’s eyes lighting up in fear as he looked at me still yawning and rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

  
“John what’s going on?” I asked at that point realization finally dawning on me. Making my whole being feel cold.

  
“Is that still a no baby?” Da hissed “Do you still want your brother to join in the fun or are you going to say ok da you can make love to me?”

  
“What?” I asked my stomach instantly getting upset, “Da you can’t do that. Don’t do that. Please just leave him alone.”

  
I was wide awake now. My brain moving on overdrive. Da was raping him, was going to rape him? He hated John that much? Hated us that much? Sure, he was threatening me too but at the time that’s not what I was focused on. I was focused on the fact that John was naked and chained the foot of the bed by a shackle. That he was covered in sweat like he’d been down there for hours already. Probably being raped repeatedly.

  
I was focused on the fact that my Da was hurting my brother. My brother that I loved and cared about and didn’t want to see go through this. That I didn’t want to hear scream and beg my Da to stop like he had done the one time my Uncle was on top of him when I was little. Those screams that woke me up in the middle of the night because I was afraid he was dying.

  
I heard John sigh heavily, “Ok da, you can…” he paused his face turning red with the thought of what he was about to say, unable to hide the shame he was feeling. “make…love to me.”

  
He kept his head down not looking at me. Almost like he was trying to ignore the fact that I was there at all. Like he was trying to deny that I had just heard him say that. To Da. I looked at Da frowning, shaking my head. How could he be ok with this? How could he like doing this? Didn’t he see how scared John was? How much pain he was in? How much he hated himself?

  
“Yeah?” Da asked a smile spreading across his face. A smile of satisfaction like he had won some type of game he was playing.

  
“Yeah,” John said barely above a whisper staring at the floor at his hands in front of him.

  
“And Will is going to watch,” Da said his evil sneer growing.

  
“Wha…?” I could even finish the word I was so shocked.

  
Why would he want me to watch that? Why would he think that was ok? I didn’t want to watch him hurt my brother. Hurt someone I cared about. Did he think I was just going to sit by and keep my eyes trained on them? Watch him do that?

  
“Da, you want me to watch you…? I really don’t…”

  
He cut off my words with a growl, “Would you like to join us? No? I didn’t think so. So, sit down in that chair and don’t look away. You’re going to watch and you’re going to shut up unless you want to join understand?”

  
John sighed before slowly using the foot of the bed to pull himself up the chain attaching him to it making little clinking sounds as he sat back down on the foot of the bed slowly his eyes never lifting from the floor as Da walked back over to him.  
Da sat down on the bed next to John and silently stabbed his finger in the direction of the chair he wanted me to sit. I sighed and moved to sit there and once I was sitting he turned to John tipping John’s chin up with his finger gently making John look at him before he embraced him his hands rubbing along John’s back between his shoulder blades as John shivered slightly before he buried his face in John’s neck. John glancing over at me briefly the fear flickering in his eyes along with a silent apology. A sorry that I had to see what was happening. Like he thought it was his fault.

  
Like it wasn’t Da making me watch but John. John closed his eyes tightly gripping Da’s shoulders hard. Like he was scared and looking for something stable. Something to make him feel grounded as Da slid on top of him muttering something quietly in his ear John sighing his whole being shaking as he nodded his head in reply to whatever Da had whispered in his ear.

  
He started kissing him on his jaw pressing harder more edger kisses there like he couldn’t get enough of the taste of his skin under his lips. Slowly he started kissing down John’s chest as John closed his eyes tightly panting. My stomach felt like I had swallowed a brick.

  
I knew exactly what that felt like. Those kisses against your skin making your whole-body tingle even though you hated it. Even though you wanted to scream at him to stop, to leave you alone. It felt worse then what you imagined hell felt like. Nothing in your control. John letting out a whimper as Da’s kisses reached the middle of his chest. Before Da’s tongue lazily rolled out of his mouth licking the rest of the way to my brothers swollen redness in-between his legs.

  
I felt sick to my stomach but couldn’t look away couldn’t help but notice the way John’s upper chest and face were flushed red with effort. The effort of trying to control his reactions as Da licked down his shaft engulfing John’s tip in his mouth as John shuddered at the sensation. John fisted the sheets to the point where his knuckles were white. To the point where I swore he was probably leaving crescent shaped marks in his palms. Da bringing him to the edge and then stopping trailing kisses up John’s body again before coaxing John’s legs apart Da turning back to see the look on my face.

  
The dumb wide mouthed look I was wearing. I wondered if that was what I looked like. When Ben did that to me. Or when Da did it to me. My face turning bright red as it looked like I was squinting so hard someone could imagine the headache I was inducing in myself by looking at me. John hissed lightly when Da finally pushed all the way him turning back to him kissing his face, his cheeks and forehead, “I know baby it’ll only hurt for a second.” He said just barely loud enough for me to hear before he stopped moving his hands rubbing up and down John’s side causing little shivers to ripple across John’s skin whenever Da’s thumb brushes against his nipples on their repeated journey up and down John’s sides.

  
John let out a small whimper as Da pulled out slightly to slam back in John still digging his hands into sheets as Da started rocking up into him making him whimper louder and louder. I could tell he was trying to be quiet trying to be mindful that I was there that I was hearing what was going on even if I wasn’t looking. I wanted to kill my Da. To stop him from hurting him from making him make those sounds. It was weird. I tried not to pay close attention because it just made me wonder what it would feel like to be on top.

  
What it would feel like to have someone else’s body around a part of yours John’s hole seeming to expand and contract around Da as Da pushed in and out of him in a consistent rhythm. John whined a lot, moaned. I couldn’t really tell if it was feeling good to him or not but the way he was gripping the sheets made me think that maybe it was just a little bit. Like when Ben hit that spot inside of me sometimes. Hit against my prostate. I felt embarrassed for him. Embarrassed because he knew I was watching them, that I could see them.

  
After a while Da’s speed changed and so did John’s moans almost sounding like he was fighting back tears. Like it hurt. I didn’t see how many time either of them ejaculated I wasn’t counting but Da’s lower stomach was coated with John’s discharge when he stood up, when he had decided john had endured enough and he grabbed me.

  
I didn’t even really get a chance to speak before he was shoving his tongue in my mouth his hands ripping my shirt in half down my chest as he shoved my pants down to my ankles with my underwear. I went to go take a step away when he let me go for a second tripping and ending up face down on the bed next to John who turned away from me curling into a ball. At first I felt almost hurt by the action like he was giving me over to him and then I saw the pink dripping down the back of his thighs.

  
I sighed. He wasn’t giving me over to him at all he just couldn’t take anymore. John just couldn’t deal with anymore that night and I knew it. He would never have admitted it had you asked him. He would probably tell you that if he could have gotten up he would have fought Da tooth and nail to get him to leave me alone and I bet you all the money in the world if he could have found the strength to he would have but he didn’t have any more that night.

  
Da climbed on my back pushing a finger into me making me hiss in pain. He was rough, frenzied like he wanted to finish. He didn’t care it was me he just wanted to finish his tongue tracing circles on the back of my neck as he moved is fingers around inside me, only stretching me out enough to get in before he started to push his way in making me scream. That pain searing because it had been a little bit my bottom still slightly bruised because of Ben and what he had done to me before the last time he had raped me like that.

  
He clamped his hand over my mouth to muffle my sobs and screams as he thrusted into me each thrust hard enough to nearly lift me off the bed until he had cum. The sticky inside me making me wish I didn’t have to feel my body. That I didn’t have to be his son, his kid. Making me wish that I could be anyone else instead of the kid laying next to his brother on the bed as his Da slammed the bathroom door after raping them both. After a few minutes Da came back turning off the overhead light but leaving the lamp on the side table on before he settled into the chair I had been sitting in before, reclining it backwards and wrapping himself in a blanket as I pulled my knees in to my chest.

  
“Will? Will I’m so sorry,” I heard John sob before I looked over at him.

  
“It’s not your fault,” I barely whispered before moving my eyes to look at him, to actually take in the pain on his face that mirrored my own.

  
Da snorted loudly before his eyes opened and he realized where we were, “Oh you guys can go upstairs now if you want.”

  
I stood and then realized John was still chained to the bed by his ankle. I wasn’t about to leave him down there. Who knew what Da would do if I allowed him to be left like that, “Da? Could you unlock John so he can come too?”

  
“Oh yeah, sorry” he yawned and got up getting the key off the hook on the wall and unlocking the chain from around John’s ankle. His Ankle looked bruised and swollen. Like he had pulled at the chain inadvertently while Da was hurting him. Like he body had been trying to escape even when he knew logically escape wasn’t possible.

  
“Thank you Da,” I said quietly grabbing John’s arm and wrapping it over my shoulder to try and take some of his weight because I knew he was sore. He was beyond sore. I could tell just from looking at him, “Come on John let’s go upstairs.”

  
We made it up the basement steps and into the kitchen before John stopped moving me not able to move his body weight on my own and he sighed sadly, like he was defeated, “I failed.”

  
“No, you didn’t, the only people who have failed us is them. You told me about your deal with him and you did everything in your power to keep it, he’s the one that broke it not you,” I answered pulling on his arm trying to coax him up the stairs.

  
I wasn’t sure if Da would change his mind if maybe he would decide he wasn’t done with us and didn’t want to get caught downstairs naked where we were easy prey. I managed to finish forcing us up the stairs to the second floor and leaned John against the wall as I opened the bathroom door turning on the light and started the water. When I had the temperature adjusted I helped John over the side of the tub and sat on the toilet waiting for him to finish. Once he was done I helped him hop out and then did the same with myself taking a quick shower before John handed me a towel.

  
“Are you going to be ok?” I asked him quietly.

  
“Yeah, I’m fine, I’ll be fine. Why?” He mumbled.

  
“You’re going towards his bedroom,” I motioned with my head in the direction he was walking, “If the deals off why sleep in his room?”

  
“I don’t know,” John shrugged his shoulders, “Because maybe he won’t hurt anyone else if I still do? I can always hope. You know all I want to do is keep you safe, right? Keep all of you safe?”

  
“You’re not going to be able to keep us safe,” I said, “I know that won’t keep you from trying but know it’s not your fault ok?”

  
“Yeah,” John snorted lightly, “I love you. Goodnight.”

  
“Goodnight,” I said before turning and heading down the hallway towards the room I shared with James making sure I was quiet as I got dressed and climbed into bed next to him only able to close my eyes because of exhaustion.


	22. Twentytwo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mum finally comes home and Will relaxes a little bit allowing some emotion to show. Same series of events in Chapter 4 the Johnathan Chronicles part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 308 to 334 a bit long for a chapter. **Warnings,** are actually pretty light there's some light non con of course always is but otherwise it's mostly talk of past abuse and mental health issues. How Will is worried about his brother and his little brothers and their emotional health issues. Will worries a lot about a lot of people but you don't often get to see him express how he's feeling. You'll see that in furture chapters. I think the way he is it's easy to forget that he's 10. He's still just a little boy dealing with very adult things and I can see that being easy for someone to forget because of how mature he can be. So anyway, warnings, Language, talk of sexual abuse and mental health issues.

Da hadn’t told me when mum would be coming home only that it would be soon. So, when I woke up the next morning I treated it like any other Tuesday. Got up, dressed helped my brothers get dressed and head off to catch the bus, letting them know that they should catch theirs or Da was going to be mad.

  
When I got on the bus Finn was there and he smiled at me his smile falling when he saw my face. He knew something was wrong as he scooted over to allow me to sit next to him, “What happened?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “Just another night in the McGregor house, nothing I won’t get over.”

  
“Man, don’t do that. You keep it locked up you’ll drive yourself nuts. What happened?” He whispered to me.

  
“Da,” I said, “I got home and Ben was there and Matty was…Matty was all over the place. Not normal. I looked a bunch of stuff up said he was sick. All the stuff I read. He wanted to watch Uncle Ben with me. He wanted to…if he wasn’t my brother I would hate him. I don’t know what to do with him right now and then Da. He…he’s Da. John did something to make him mad so he woke me up. He made me go downstairs and he…”

  
I trailed off. I couldn’t tell anyone that. That I had to watch my brother get raped. Had to watch him get raped in the hopes that I wouldn’t be raped when Da was done with him. That he was trying so hard to make sure I was ok and it wasn’t working. That anything he did to try and save us, didn’t work.

  
“No,” Finn said under his breath shaking his head, “Are you sure you’re ok?”

  
“Honestly?” I asked finally able to look my friend in the face, “No. I will be though. I have to be.”

  
“What about your brother?” He asked me.

  
“He’s losing it,” I answered, “He was in bad shape before now he’s…I feel like he’s barely holding on and he’s trying to hide it. He’s being stupid. Thinking he can stop them. That him putting himself in the way is going to help anyone. It’s just stupid.”

  
“He’s doing what he thinks he can,” Finn told me, “The only thing he thinks he can.”

  
“He’s my best friend,” I hissed at him, “He’s killing himself for me. For us and he refuses to see it that way. Even after last night he still refuses to see it that way and it’s stupid. It’s fucking stupid Finn. Da …hurt me right next to him after he was done with John and yet when he finally let us leave, let us go upstairs John still went to Da’s room. Still went to his bed like that was going to make any difference in what Da did next. Like that was going to stop Da from hurting me or someone else. It’s just stupid to think that.”

  
Finn sighed deeply taking a second before he answered, “Do you think that maybe whatever you’re Da is doing is partly brainwashing him? That’s one of the things they like to do. The brotherhood. They want to get as many people tracked as they can and they do that by torturing them until they can’t think anymore. Until they aren’t their own person anymore. Maybe that’s what’s going on?”

  
“Maybe but John needs to fight harder. If he ends up like that, like Da because he gave himself over to him I will never forgive him,” I said.

  
“He thinks he’s protecting you, he just needs to see that it doesn’t matter what he does. That he’s not protecting you because they won’t let him. Have you told him about what you told me yet? That while your Da said things weren’t happening that and your uncle was gone, was keeping his hands-off you guys that he really wasn’t?” Finn asked me.

  
“No,” I answered, “If I do they’ll hurt him worse. Ben said it might even break him. Make him want to die. If he doesn’t already feel that way. I can’t do that to him.”

  
“You might need to. To show him that he can’t trust them for shit. That way maybe he’ll quit throwing himself at them,” Finn said as the bus pulled into the bus drive, “He’s your brother you need to make sure he’s protecting himself as hard as he’s protecting the rest of you.”

  
He gave me a lot to think about. Was I ready to take the chance that he wasn’t going to hurt himself? Was I really ready to deal with the fact that he might really hurt himself if I told him Da had lied to him when he was counting on Da’s word to keep us all safe. When Da’s word was the only reason he was doing what he was doing?

  
It was something that I thought about that entire day, that thought taking precedence over every other thing that happened to the point where I don’t remember anything else. I know it was an average day for the most part Uncle Ben out of the house again. I went to bed that night expecting to wake up and go to school in the morning but when my alarm went off and I hopped out of bed Da was waiting for me by the bathroom.

  
“No school today I called you guys off.” He said looking at me.

  
“Why?” I asked quietly afraid of his answer.

  
“Nothing like that,” he sighed seeming annoyed that I thought it was something sinister, “Mum is coming home. She’ll be here around nine.”

  
“Really?” I asked trying to keep my appearance calm.

  
I didn’t want him to know I was excited mum was going to be coming home. That she might be able to help keep us safe. From him, from Ben. That I could hold her and smell her and that things might feel ok for a little while. That things might slow down and go back to a bedroom visit once a week or so.

  
“Yeah really honey,” he said.

  
My blood froze at the use of that pet name. I hated when he called me that. That pet name never spelt anything good for me. That name was like Ben calling me baby it was something I never wanted to hear because I always dreaded what came after.  
“So, I can go back to sleep?” I asked him, hoping that he would allow that.

  
“In a couple minutes, I wanted to talk to you about something,” he told me.

  
“Out here?” I asked him gesturing at the hallway.

  
“We can go to the living room if you want,” he said.

  
“Ok,” I answered.

  
So, he wasn’t planning on raping me. That was good at least but, I still felt like I was in trouble somehow. I still don’t know how to explain it but, something about the whole thing just felt off as he gestured for me to walk downstairs into the living room. I walked down and sat on the couch and he smiled as I shifted my weight a little my body still healing from what he had done to me the other night.

  
“What do you want to talk to me about?” I asked him.

  
“I want you to keep quiet about Ben,” he said, “Your mum doesn’t like him so I’d rather she didn’t know that he was living here while she was gone. Helping out that’s fine you can tell her he was here sometimes but I don’t want her knowing that he has a room here. I want to break that news to her gently. Which means…"

  
“Which means she doesn’t know about him, about…”

  
“The two of you? Yes,” he said, “That’s brotherhood business that doesn’t get repeated to your mum you understand?”

  
“Yes, what about John?” I asked him.

  
“No, that doesn’t get repeated to her either. You know you don’t need to ask me about that,” he said.

  
“Are you going to divorce her?” I asked him.

  
He frowned at me confused, “Why would I divorce your mum?”

  
“Because you don’t love her. That’s what people do when they don’t love each other. They get divorced,” I said.

  
“I love your mum she’s going to give me many more children. Why would you think I don’t love your mum?” He asked me.

  
“Because you love John more,” I answered and saw his eyes flash.

  
“That’s none of your business. You keep that to yourself,” he hissed at me.

  
“It’s true though,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“You think I don’t love you? You think I don’t love any of you but him?” He asked me.

  
“No I mean like. You want to kiss him and stuff,” I answered shrugging my shoulders before he climbed on my lap, “WHA…?”

  
“I want to kiss all of you honey,” he said rubbing both sides of my jaw gently in his hands tilting my head up to look at him, “I love all of you ok? Very much you’re all very special to me. Especially my boys ok?”

  
“Da please,” I said, “I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m sorry I know you love all of us. I didn’t mean anything.”

  
“Baby, you think I’m going to hurt you?” He asked me frowning, “I’m not going to hurt you. I know I was rough the other night and I’m sorry. I was over excited. I know I didn’t treat you like you deserve and I’m sorry I’ll find another time and we’ll do it right ok? Just me and you together, in the quiet…” he said moving his face closer, curling up on himself so that we could be nose to nose his hands still massaging the sides of my neck and collar bone before he kissed my lips.

  
I didn’t want him kissing me like that. Pinning me down like he was. It made me feel sick to my stomach. He didn’t take it any farther. He stopped and got off my lap.

  
“I love all of you.” He said again, “I just wanted you to be aware of those things all right. I don’t want to have to hurt anyone. I don’t want your mum upset because who knows what she might do? You can go back to sleep now if you want.”

  
I nodded my head as he walked away leaving me sitting there alone. I knew he still loved John more and not in a way that John wanted. Not in a way that any of us wanted. I thought about what he had said. That mum was going to give him more babies. That that’s why he wasn’t going to divorce her because he wanted more of us. More kids to abuse and pass out to his friends. More lives to ruin.

  
It didn’t strike me at the time how really sick that was. That he wanted more kids just so he could ruin more lives. Just so he had more people he could share with the brotherhood because the brotherhood was all men who abused boys. They abused their boys and passed them around like trading cards but girls. Girls were different. Girls were for Daddy to train up.

  
To teach them they were human incubators to make more boys to pass around. To carry the next generation forward. At the time, I didn’t know that. That they thought that’s all girls were good for. That my little sisters were expected to lead that life. To hand over their children to this system where their children were objects and not people until they were well into adulthood.

  
I went back upstairs and climbed back into bed, pulling my little brother into my chest. Not because he needed me but because I needed him. I needed to feel him, to know he was safe. That no one was going to hurt him in that moment. That Da wasn’t going to come into the room and climb on top of him. Make him hurt. He didn’t wake up but snuggled in against me in his sleep.

  
I was woken up a couple hours later by the sound of the front door opening and a baby crying, followed by another baby crying. I sighed with relief. Mum was finally home. I got up and went downstairs to meet her running into her arms and hugging her tightly as Catty ran to John and did the same to him.

  
“Hi my love,” she said kissing my forehead, “God I’ve missed my boys. I’m here now.”

  
I broke away from her and nodded my head sighing, trying to relax. Hoping that maybe things would get better now, that they wouldn’t be so hard. I looked behind me when I heard his footsteps him being the only adult upstairs in the house and turned to see him in his full suit and tie like he had just come out of his office to greet everyone, “And there are my little ones! Let me see all these gorgeous babies!” He said picking up one of the new siblings I hadn’t met yet from inside their car seat a little head of thin red curls appearing in a blue dress as he lifted her out making her fuss at the sudden feel of the air against her little legs.

  
“That would-be Mary,” Mum pointed out to him as John went outside and grabbed a car seat from the front stoop and I did the same.

  
I looked down at the car seat I grabbed struggling with it slightly because of the weight and my own size. It was a little boy still slightly pink and fresh his eyes closed. His newness to the world evident as I looked down at his crown of dark hair. This was my brother. My newest brother. God, did he pick the wrong life to come into.

  
“You ok?” John asked me as I half carried and half dragged the car seat over the threshold of the house.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head biting my lip as I looked at him, “Yeah I’m fine.”

  
“I know,” he said nodding his head reading the look on my face, “Not much we can do now. There’s time. Don’t worry about it. Not yet.”

  
That was the first time I had ever heard John be a voice of reason. When I was thinking about the type of life this kid would have. The things he’d be subjected to at some point John was saying “think about now”. Think about what’s happening now and not later.

  
That was something he had never done before him being the one with constant anxiety worrying about the what if’s and the how’s and why’s. While usually I was the one in the now. Focused on the now. But seeing that little face that looked so peaceful and knowing it wouldn’t know that peace for long broke my heart a little that day.

  
Knowing that the it might not be possible to save him from this. From any of this. It was overwhelming.

  
Mum sighed as she smiled happily at Da shutting the door behind us as we pulled them inside. I remember her face a little red from the chill of the air. The weather being unusually cold that day for a Florida fall.

  
“Oh, hi there wee girl. I’m your Da it’s nice to meet you,” Da said hugging Mary to his chest and rubbing her tiny back, “Another redhead just like your mum huh?”

  
“So how was everyone?” Mum asked looking at Da who seemed completely enamored in the tiny girl he was holding bouncing up and down lightly as she snoozed on his shoulder.

  
When he didn’t answer, she turned to face John. Looking for his answer instead. Trying to read his face as he stared back at her.

  
“Fine,” he answered. His smile fell slightly probably because he was thinking about what a lie that was. Sure, it wasn’t a huge lie but, it was still a lie and John hated lying. It was something he was never good at.

  
“Well, your Da said he set the nursery up upstairs so, let’s go,” she said as she motioned for us to start climbing the stairs and John sighed starting to haul a car seat up to the second floor.

  
I started to do the same and then stopped and thought better of it. The baby on his own didn’t weight nearly as much as the car seat and I would probably be better off just picking him up and holding him. It wouldn’t be my first time holding a new baby. I had plenty of experience with it and I knew mum wouldn’t be upset so I unbuckled him from his seat while mum took Mary from Da’s arms and John pulled the car seat with Mac in it up the stairs and we all moved towards the elevator leaving everyone else downstairs talking to each other and Da Laura clinging to Da’s leg as Matt squatted to meet Andy on his level and talk to him.

  
“What do you mean upstairs mum?” John asked frowning a little bit.

“You know the floor for you guys, where all your bedrooms are,” she said helping John move Mac’s car seat in front of the lift door hitting the button to call it down to us.

  
“I thought only you had the code for that,” John said to her, “We haven’t been up there.”

  
“Where have you been sleeping then?” She asked, “Da said you let him up so you could help him decorate the nursery. What’s going on?”

  
“Let’s not be silly guys, why don’t you get these cuties settled in?” Da said coming up around the hallway and handing Laura over to mum, “There you go my bonnie lass, go see mummy,” he said before kissing her on the forehead and setting her down next to mum’s feet as she giggled up at him.

  
Mum looked at John and I worriedly and then the lift opened all of us getting the babies into the elevator as mum pushed the button to close it typing a code into it with the numbers and then hitting a green button the keypad the elevator moving upwards.

  
“So, you’re Da didn’t tell you where to find the code?” Mum asked us.

  
“No,” I answered, “He said you had it and he didn’t where you had put it. That he wasn’t sure so we would sleep in the guest rooms.”

  
“I swear he told me he helped you get the nurseries ready for the babies,” Mum repeated.

  
“Mum. We’ve never been up here; We’ve been sleeping on the second floor with Da and uncle Ben,” John said sternly.

  
Mum’s mouth opened in shock her face going pale, “UNCLE BEN?” she nearly screamed, “Your uncle has been here?” She said looking at John and me.

  
I felt my stomach clench. The one thing Da had told me not to say and John had said it. John had told mum that uncle Ben had been in the house, sleeping in the house with us just mere doors away.

  
“Yeah,” I said quietly.

  
“And everything has been ok? Ben hasn’t hurt anyone?” Mum questioned.

  
My stomach contracted with anxiety as John and I both stood there silent. I sighed thinking of what I could say that was at least partially true, “Well, he touched the twins when we got here but after that everything has been pretty ok for the most part,” I answered.

  
“What do you mean the most part?” Mum asked her eyes darting between John and I still looking panicked, fearful as she held Mary tightly in her arms me doing the same to Seamus.

  
I looked at John. I knew I wasn’t supposed to say anything but I didn’t want John to have to suffer in silence. I knew it wasn’t fair of me to say it but, I felt like I had to because I knew he wouldn’t, “Well…John wasn’t allowed to wear clothes or go to school,” I said being met with a deadly stare from John.

  
“John?” Mum questioned, “Is that what you were talking about on the phone that Da was being hard on John, Will?”

  
I nodded my head not able to look at either of them. Knowing that both of them were probably angry with me. One angry that I hadn’t said anything sooner while the other was probably angry that I had said anything at all.

  
“Will,” John said in a warning tone.

  
“Let’s get everyone settled and then you and I will talk alone ok John?” Mum sighed.

  
“Yeah, we can talk after,” John said nodding his head.

  
I laid Seamus down in the crib that had his name behind it in big decorative block letters on the wall kissing his forehead as I laid him down. I did the same to Mary as mum put her in her crib and then Mac before I left the room shutting the door behind me. I really hadn’t meant to upset him, to betray him but I knew he wouldn’t tell mom anything. I knew he would try to keep it to himself and I couldn’t stand that. I couldn’t stand watching him break because he kept too many secrets.

  
I went downstairs and found Da in the living room playing with Catherine and James while Mike and Matt watched TV his hand a little too far under Cat’s skirt for my liking even though she didn’t seem to notice and I cleared my throat, “Hey guys want to go upstairs and see your bedrooms?” I asked.

  
“Yeah!” James said excitedly jumping off Da’s right knee and running past me up the stairs as everyone else followed us.

  
When we got upstairs I opened up the first door on the right and saw that it was decorated with a light pastel green a tinker bell like stencil on the wall and lamp with a fairy blowing bubbles sitting on the white night stand next to a matching four poster bed with a canopy of white lace. The bed spread a rainbow of pastel colors of light fluffy yellows that reminded you of baby chicks, purples and pinks that reminded you of spring flowers and a blue that reminded you of the sky. The dresser also matched the night stand and the bed the handles looked like ivory carved into the shape of hearts for each drawer. It was beautiful for a little girl’s room. Prefect for Cat.

  
“Wow,” she whispered quietly her eyes lighting up.

  
“What does our room look like?” The twins asked in unison.

  
“I have no idea,” I answered, “Why don’t we open some doors and see what we find?”

  
We went to the next room opening that door and found it was nautical themed. A giant wave painted into the wall the bed made to look like an old pirate ship James on the foot of the bed in big letters next to a storage/toy chest that looked like it could hold treasure. My parents had really gone all out on these rooms the old faded distressed wood of each piece of furniture really fitting the theme and making James giggle in delight as he ran over and started to bounce on his bed happily.

  
The next room was mine. I opened the door and the first thing I noticed was the book shelf covered in books. Books that I would read, books that I had read in the past and loved. Books that I had missed. The wall was done in a bright blue not pastel but not navy and it was one of my favorite shades of blue. The furniture black a corner desk off the one side. I knew it was my room. I didn’t see my name anywhere but, I had no doubt it belonged to me.

  
The next room we opened had one room that was done is mostly black and red and I knew whose room that was there was a bunk bed in it but one bed had plain white sheets and comforter and I knew mum had set it up that way for a reason. It belonged to Matt but she knew there would be nights where Matt would need Mike and that other nights the opposite would be true and sure enough in the room next to that one the same thing only instead of being red and black it was blue and black.

  
Mum had worked really hard picking out each room and making it special for each one of us. Making sure we knew it belonged to us. I felt safe for the first time in a while going into my room and shutting the door grabbing my teddy bear that had been laying in the pillows when I opened the door. The bear I had possessed for as long as I could remember and gave it a quick hug before setting it back in its place.

  
I knew it wasn’t time to lay down yet. That I had to go out and be with my mum and my brothers and sisters. Especially Cat that had just gotten home to us, that had missed us so much more than the others because she was the oldest that had stayed behind with mum.

  
I opened the door and went out to explore the rest of our floor. Both ends were open on each side of the hallway the end farthest of the elevator having a kitchen on one side and an open living room on the other. On other end of the hallway next to the elevator was what I would consider a game room with a giant TV and a foos ball table behind that area. A corner that seemed to be set up as a play room near that. And across the way from that area was a piano. One that James had already found his hand touching the keys lightly his eyes already lit up in that way he stared at any piano.

  
Almost like it was talking to him, like he was listening to the most important conversation he would ever have in his life. His tiny fingers gently touching each key as he moved from one side of it to the other, his fingers not making any sound as he looked at it like it was a person, like it was a living breathing thing that needed his attention, his fingers to give it life. It was mesmerizing to watch him whenever he went near one even at that age. Like you knew just as much as he did that something magical would eventually come from it.

  
“Hey bud,” I said quietly causing him to look up for a second.

  
“Hmm?” he said looking back down at the keys before he ran his hand over the bench seat noticing a hinge there and opening it up. It was filled with sheet music. Some of it looked simple and some very advanced and he smiled picking up a piece and opening it up looking at it closely, carefully.

  
“We know who this is for don’t we?” I asked him.

  
“She’s mine,” he said quietly nodding his head as his eyes didn’t leave the music in his hands before he pulled the bench back and stood on it in order to reach the music stand. He sat down his hands running over the keys doing a small scale in the center before he started playing something small and simple. I still can’t remember what piece it was but his fingers flew over the keys and before I blinked he was done. Smiling at it.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Are you happy to have one?”

  
“Mum knew I’d want one. That it’s the only way things would be ok,” he said quietly.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked confused for a second.

  
“If I have somewhere to put it all. All the bad stuff. I’ll be ok,” he said sounding a lot older than his six years, “this is where I put it.”

  
“Bud,” I said quietly, “Are you talking about Da and what he did?”

  
He shrugged his shoulders not turning to look at me, his hands going silent on the keys once more still touching them. He was shutting down. He wasn’t being him, the happy kid I knew. The happy kid he once was before Da did that to him.

  
“Can I sit a minute bud?” I asked him and he moved over slightly his eyes still on the keys like he was trying avoid looking at me like he was hiding something from me. I sat down.

  
“Did Da do that again? Hurt you?” I asked him.

  
“He told me I can’t say anything. That you did it and you never said anything that I should be strong like you strong like John is, he said quietly.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked him.

  
“When you go to sleep. When you’re asleep sometimes he…he pulls the chair close to the bed and he…” he sniffled.

  
“Oh bud, no. You need to tell someone that. You can’t hold that in,” I said quietly, “You hold that in and keep to yourself it will make you so sad and sick. I don’t want to see you do that to yourself.”

  
“He touches me.” He finished. “A lot. I don’t like it.”

  
“Yeah. I know. I never liked it. It always made me feel weird,” I said quietly.

  
“He told me, that he used to do it to you. To everyone,” James said, “He said that he was sorry he hurt me that he didn’t mean to make it hurt. That it could feel good.”

  
“I’ll be honest with you. It can be not painful but,” I cleared my throat, “I’m not sure I would say it feels good. Maybe just that it doesn’t hurt the same way. It still feels weird. But you don’t have to worry about that anymore for right now because mum said he can’t get up here. So, you should be ok. Put something up against your bedroom door that will make a loud sound when he comes in that way you know he’s coming and he can’t sneak up on you anymore ok?”

  
James nodded his head, “Our family is different, isn’t it?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“I think it’s probably almost bedtime, you want to do one more song?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he smiled as I stood up and he started playing.

  
I watched him play and then at some point mum must have come out and been watching from somewhere behind me because when he was done she clapped, “Ok loves time for bed,” she said when she was done clapping.

  
“I know,” Jay said, “We were just talking about that weren’t we Will?”

  
“Yeah bud, we were, how about mum puts you to bed?” I asked him.

  
“Would you mum?” He asked looking at her.

  
“Of course, my love,” she said as he got up and hugged her. She walked down the hall with him and I followed at a distance going into my own bedroom and shutting the door.

  
I changed and climbed into my own bed for the first time grabbing Teddy and burying my face into him crying. Crying because I felt relieved for once. Relieved that they probably wouldn’t come to me tonight, to my bedroom. That Ben wasn’t in the house, that Da was probably going to be busy. So, I was safe. My brothers were safe. John was upstairs too so he was probably safe. That mum was here.

  
I must have not heard her knock because before I knew it I heard her voice, “Will love what’s wrong?” She asked me quietly as she sat down in the chair at my desk.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “I’m just…it’s ok now.”

  
“Then why are you crying love? Are you just relieved?” She asked me quietly.

  
I nodded my head looking up at her, “It was hard while you were gone mum. He was so …Da took him away and wouldn’t let anyone see him. Da said there’s thing I’m not allowed to tell him. And I want to. I want to tell someone so badly.”

  
“You can tell me,” Mum said, “I won’t let Da know I know.”

  
“You wouldn’t get it,” I said smiling at her sadly, “I know it’s because you love me that you want to know but, you wouldn’t get it.”

  
“No, I don’t want to know I don’t think but, sometimes even when we don’t want to we need to hear things. People need to tell us things so they don’t have to feel so alone. So, they can know that they’re not alone. That nothing is wrong with them, that things are going to be ok. If you need to share something and you feel like you can’t share it with anyone else, I want you to be able to come to me,” She answered me.

  
“I can’t,” I said again shaking my head, “I should have said something a long time ago when you told us we were going with Da and I didn’t. I didn’t say anything and I should have.”

  
“What are you talking about love?” She asked me softly.

  
“When John told you he wasn’t different and you kept saying he wasn’t like that anymore. John was right. He wasn’t different but I didn’t see anything making a difference. I didn’t think it’d get worse just because you were gone and it was stupid to think that. I was stupid mum and I’m sorry,” I said before I started crying.

  
“No love, no. It’s not your fault it’s mine,” she said rubbing my back slowly as I cried into my pillows hugging my bear to my chest, “It’s not your fault. It will never be your fault Will. Never.”

  
She let me cry it out. Cry into my pillows. It still felt like my fault. I didn’t think anything would change that. I’m still not sure it has changed really. When I was done crying she still ran her fingers calmly through my hair until I looked up at her.

  
“You feel any better?” She asked me quietly.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “He was hurting me. Before we left London, he was hurting me. Coming into my room, our room at night and I just… didn’t. He told me you’d hate me at first and I believed him. That you and John would be mad at me because I broke up our family. By the time I realized it wasn’t true it was too late. You were pregnant. Again and again.”

  
“Hurting you like he hurt John?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “he did that when I was eight for the first time. John doesn’t even know.”

  
“I wish I could figure out a way to make him better. I thought he had gotten better when we were in London but, I guess not. I have to fix this.” She said quietly, “I might need your help. I know John won’t tell me things so can I ask you even if he begs you not to, can I ask you to tell me what’s going on? I need to know.”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Can you tell me what’s going on right now? With everyone, not just you and John. Can you do that for me?” She asked.

  
“I wouldn’t know where to start,” I said quietly.

  
“Start where ever you feel you need to,” She told me.

  
I sighed and then I told her everything I could think of. Everything I thought was relevant. I told her about Da hurting James when we first got there. How he had hurt me and what he had made John do. How he had raped us next to each other and how I had walked in on uncle Ben doing things to Mike and Matt and making them touch each other.

  
“Uncle Ben has been touching you?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said, “He…he rapes me.” I said not able to look at her face.

  
“You mean full anal…” I stopped her.

  
“Yeah, everything,” I said shrugging my shoulders to see if it would stop me from crying, “It…it’s hard. It hurts so bad. I want to tell him no but Da won’t let me. He won’t let me. They know I don’t want to. That I’m not ok with it. But they do it anyway.”  
“That’s what rape is, yes,” Mum said quietly, “Is his temper as bad as it was when we left for London? If he thought John was being whiny your uncle used to kick him. Even when he was just a baby. I hated leaving John alone with him for that reason but, your Da didn’t trust anyone else.”

  
“One time I went for a walk without telling anyone. When I came back he slammed me into a wall so hard I passed out. They took me to the doctor he said I had a skull fracture and a concussion,” I answered.

  
“So, that would be a yes, his temper is still the same as always,” Mum said, “Anything else you want to tell me?”

  
I shook my head. I didn’t want to tell her about the brotherhood. That we were basically whores. I didn’t think John would like her knowing and I didn’t want her to know. Especially since I felt like maybe if things were different I’d be ok with guys kissing me. Guys my own age of course but, guys.

  
That was something mum wasn’t ok with and I knew that. For all I knew once she found out she would blame me. Tell me that’s why Ben wanted me. Because he knew I wanted it to happen. And I felt like I did but, not with him.  
“Ok love, try and get some sleep,” she told me and I nodded my head.

  
I slept that night well my alarm going off around 6. The same time I usually ended up getting up. I decided to get up and shower figuring that mum would get everyone ready that that was why she was there after all. When I was done showering I stumbled out into the hallway running into John adjusting my tie, “What happened to you? You look like you’re sick,” I said looking at him.

  
“I’m not sick apparently, I’m hung over,” he mumbled at me opening his bedroom door.

  
I wasn’t sure what to think but tried to shut my mouth because I knew it had just hit the floor. I wanted to ask him how on earth he got a hangover but, he didn’t give me time to ask shutting the door leaving me squinting in confusion at the space where he had been standing a second before. I didn’t worry about it but only worried about getting to school on time when saw the clock read 6:45 and mum hadn’t come upstairs yet and John was dead asleep in his room.

  
I sighed and started knocking on doors telling everyone to hurry up and start getting ready for school, everyone that was going anyway and managed to make sure everyone had their uniforms on before I rushed out the door barely making it on the bus. I sat down in the nearest seat to me and sighed leaning my head back against the seat and not getting a chance to talk to Finn until we were both off the bus.

  
“What happened the morning, you almost missed the bus,” Finn said.

  
“Mum came home yesterday,” I answered, “That’s why I wasn’t here. She has a lot to say. John came upstairs the morning from where ever he was and he said he had a hangover. I don’t know what’s going on but I thought her coming back would make things better. It’s been one day and my brother has a hangover.”

  
“That might not be because of her,” Finn said, “You have a lot of brothers and sisters maybe things are just more stressful then your mom and dad thought they would be?”

  
“No,” I sighed, “I mean, I don’t think so. I thought mum would be able to handle getting my brothers off to school but, it was me again. I have no idea what’s going on but mum said that I needed to keep her updated on what was going on because she knew John wouldn’t tell her.”

  
“Wait you told her about…” Finn asked the pitch of his voice rising before I cut him off.

  
“NO,” I said forcefully, “no,” I shook my head.

  
“Good,” he said, “They kill people for that you know? Knowing.”

  
“No, I didn’t know that,” I said, “Even the mum’s?”

  
“Well a lot of us don’t have mum’s if you noticed? It’s because they either end up leaving or dying. Some people say they all end up dying. I honestly don’t know,” Finn said.

  
“Really? What happened to your mum?” I asked him.

  
“Left,” he told me, “I don’t know the full story but, apparently, she just was up and gone one day when Da picked me up from day care and Wal up from school. Haven’t heard from her since.”

  
“I’m sorry,” I said.

  
“It’s not your fault,” Finn laughed, “I don’t remember her at all I was like four. So, it’s not big.”

  
“I can’t imagine not having my mum,” I said, “She helps me feel better I think.”

  
“Does she know about your uncle?” he asked me.

  
“You mean what he makes me do?” I asked, “Yeah. I told her.”

  
“What did she say?” he asked me.

  
“That it wasn’t my fault,” I answered, “I didn’t tell her about anything else though. That there are other people. I couldn’t. I don’t want her to know about them. About Barry.”

  
“I’ve heard some wicked things about him,” Finn said, “Are they true?”

  
“I don’t know. I hadn’t heard anything about him at all when I met him,” I said.

  
“Well there’s a rumor among us bottoms that well, you were there when Cole said it. Is that true?” He asked me.

  
I felt my face going red. I didn’t want to think about that. Not right before I started class. I nodded my head.

  
“Ok,” He said nodding his head, “Well shit.”

  
“It’s uncomfortable,” I answered.

  
“Yeah I…that’s happened to me before and I can honestly say I don’t enjoy that,” Finn said.

  
“Yep,” I answered simply as the bell rang, “And now I have to go to class thinking about that. Thank you, Finn, I knew there was a reason I loved you.”

  
Finn chuckled at me, “You’re not alone trust me it’s not something I want to think about during class either.”

  
“Yeah well you don’t have Father Barney staring at you while you have to think about it,” I answered.

  
“Oh shit,” Finn said frowning like he had something smelly under his nose, “Yeah no. He gets flirty in a bad way.”

  
“No kidding first day here,” I said looking around to make sure no one was listening, “He asked if he could kiss me.”

  
“EWW!” Finn screeched loudly before covering his mouth with his hands, “Sorry, that’s too nasty.”

  
“Yeah, I thought so too,” I said, “Nothing hot about Father Barney at all.”

  
“Yeah, I agree with that but, I’m into girls more than not, you realize, right?” Finn asked me.

  
“Yeah, I know,” I said, “We’ve talked about that remember?”

  
“Yeah,” Finn said, “Good luck with that. Father Barney I mean,” Finn said walking away towards his class as I went to turn down a different hall.

  
“Thanks,” I said wandering down my hallway and going up to Teddy before we entered the room sitting down together in our seats.

  
“Why weren’t you here yesterday?” Teddy asked, “Is everything ok? Are you ok?”

  
“Yeah, my mum came home,” I answered him.

  
“Is that good?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know yet,” I answered, “It seems like it could be but I’m not sure.”

  
“Ok,” Teddy said, “Well you know I’m here for you.”

  
“I know Ted, thanks,” I said.

  
I spend a good deal of that day stuck in my own head again. Not sure if mum was going to make things better or worse. When I got home Da and Ben where talking in the kitchen when I opened the door. They both looked at me. Like that making me want to back up and go back outside.

  
“It’s ok Honey,” Da said, “We were just talking about some stuff.”

  
“Come here,” Ben said holding his arms open, letting me know he wanted to hug me.

  
“I’m ok,” I said folding my arms over my chest.

  
“It’s your Da, there’s nothing to be discreet about. He already knows,” Ben said closing the distance between us and wrapping his arms around me making me shiver.

  
I hated this. Him pretending to be nice when all he wanted was for me to go downstairs. For me to take off my clothes and lay down so he could use me. So he could rape me.

  
“You smell so good,” he muttered into the top of my head as he hugged me. I made sure I kept my arms limp at my sides not wanting to hug him back. Not wanting him to think I was ok with any of it. That I was accepting it because I wasn’t.

  
“Your mum wants Ben to go stay in the apartment for a little while which was the plan to begin with,” Da said looking at me as Ben held me.

  
“You’re going away?” I asked Ben quietly.

  
“Only for a little while baby,” he said getting down on his knees so he was closer to level with me, “Maybe you’ll come stay with me this weekend?”

  
I backed up now that he wasn’t holding me. I couldn’t do that. That was way different from going downstairs. That was like what Da had done to John I couldn’t do that. That was beyond my limit I couldn’t do that.

  
“Don’t be scared. I wouldn’t hurt you,” Ben said quietly.

  
“Da,” I said thinking about how I wanted to word my plea, “There are things I can’t do. Things that I know are bad that I know I won’t be ok if I do them. I won’t be ok if I do that.”

  
“Why? You just heard him. He’s not going to hurt you. Especially not if you’re good for him. It’ll just be one night ok? Saturday late after everyone goes to bed,” Da said.

  
“We’ll make it all about you ok? Invite Barry over and Tony, play a couple of games,” Ben said and I felt a chill go down my spine.

  
I had no idea who tony was but if he was friends with my Da and Ben I knew I didn’t want to find out. That Tony probably wasn’t a good person. That anyone who was friends with them was bad news. Very bad news.

  
“Da?” I asked quietly.

  
“It’ll be fun,” he said, “If you’re good mum doesn’t have to know.”

  
“Know what?” I asked.

  
“Ben and I have done some talking,” Da said, “You know what about and I’m sure you don’t want me saying it here where she might hear.”

  
He was talking about how I found boys cute. How I looked at them sometimes. How Ben had noticed. How he had told Da. “You know how she would feel about that. I’m sure you don’t want her to know.”

  
“No, No, I don’t,” I admitted.

  
“Good boy,” Ben said, “See Connor? I told you he was a good boy.”

  
“Yes, you did,” Da said nodding his head, “So you have no problem with our arrangement then?” He asked me. “You don’t tell your mum we don’t tell her about your little oddness?”

  
I sighed and nodded my head trying hard not to cry. She would hate me if she knew. I knew she would hate me. It was already bad enough to know that she would never accept it. That she would never accept I wanted to hold hands with Cole, maybe even kiss him one day.

  
It didn’t seem to matter what Ben did to me whenever I saw Cole in the hallway, I watched him and wondered what his lips tasted like. What his hand might feel like in mine. If she knew she would tell me I deserved what Uncle Ben did to me. That I wanted it. And I couldn’t stand knowing that she would think that of me. That she would hate me that much.

  
Ben grabbed me, lifting me up like I was a little kid. At least five years younger and put me on the counter top as he started kissing on my neck. I closed my eyes as he started rubbing my outer thighs through my pants. I didn’t want this.  
“It’s ok Honey, let Benny make you feel good,” Da said and I opened my eyes to see that his seemed heavy. Almost like he was imagining it was him kissing me, touching me.

  
“You’re so beautiful you know that?” Ben mumbled undoing my tie as he kissed my cheek and nibbled my ear lobe as I gripped the edge of the counter trying to keep myself quiet, trying to make sure I didn’t say no. That I didn’t tell him to stop. Because if I did I would make them both angry.

  
“He is, isn’t he?” Da muttered from where he was sitting.

  
“He always shakes just a little bit,” Ben said pulling my tie up over my head and then pulling my Blazer down my arms and letting it rest on the counter behind me.

  
“Really? John shakes just a little bit too. I don’t remember ever doing that to you?” He asked Ben.

  
“With you,” he answered shrugging his shoulders, “With Da I don’t remember doing that but with you, always.”

  
“I don’t recall that,” Da answered.

  
“At first it was always because I was scared you would hurt because I had always watched you with him if you remember,” Ben said pulling my vest off over my head and throwing it on the floor, “However, he was always so rough with you. So, I thought you would be rough with me. That wasn’t the case though.”

  
“No, I’m very different from Da,” Da mumbled quietly.

  
“Yes, you are,” Ben agreed starting to undo my button up.

  
I felt the heat in my face, how red my face probably was. It was bad enough that he had to do it let alone somewhere anyone could walk in. Let alone with Da watching him. I wanted to die just a little in that moment. I would have given anything to not have his hands on me. To have him move away from me and give me space.

  
“Hey Connor babe could you plea…” I heard mum’s words pause probably as she took in the scene in front of her as she came down the stairs, “What the bloody shite is going on?”

  
“Nothing Dani,” Da said as Ben stopped turning around and smiling at her.

  
“Get him gone. NOW!” She shouted holding Mary in her arms causing Mary to start crying.

  
“We need the help,” Da said simply.

  
“Not if his help means that. You can’t tell me that Will isn’t fucking terrified.” she hissed pointing at the display.

  
I knew my chest was heaving. I knew I looked as upset as I felt my face probably bright red my whole body shaking as I hugged myself the movement he left me go trying to make myself small. Make it so no one saw me anymore.

  
“He likes it,” Da said, “Benny loves him. Don’t you Benny?”

  
“Of course, I do,” Ben answered turning and smiling back at me grabbing my chin and tilting my face towards his, “I love him a lot don’t I Will?”

  
“Mum…” I said quietly.

  
“Come here love,” Mum said holding her hand out towards me, “Connor…”

  
“It’s ok go with your mum,” Da said and I hopped off the counter and ran to her wrapping my arms around her waist and burying my face in her shoulders from behind like I was a little kid even though I was almost as tall as she was my heart pounding in my throat as I tried to calm down.

  
“Really Connor?” Ben asked, “Really?”

  
“Don’t look at me, I have to fix this ok Benny?” He said.

  
“You’re not fixing anything he’s leaving and he’s not coming back. Not around my children. You know what he did to John. I thought you were done with that. All of that.”

  
“The only one who see’s anything wrong with it in this house is you and you don’t get a fucking say,” Da said his accent showing more prominent than usual.

  
“I do get a say. These are my kids. You don’t do that with them. We talked about that when left here. That’s not something you do anymore. We agreed,” Mum said angrily.

  
“This is my house. You do what I tell you and what I’m telling you to do is change diapers and keep your fucking mouth shut unless you want me to shut it for you,” Da warned her, “I gave him to Benny just like my Da gave Benny to me. He’ll do whatever Benny tell him to and you’ll allow it.”

  
“No, you didn’t and you think I’m going to leave him alone with any of my children? Connor, you are beyond delusional,” Mum said handing Mary to me, “Take her upstairs love.”

  
I sighed holding my little sister who was still crying and turned to go upstairs. I rocked her lightly as I went into the nursery and found both Laura and Andy screaming loudly at each other in baby babble on the ground throwing blocks.

  
“What’s going on here?” I asked pulling myself out of my own head.

  
“He mean!” Laura proclaimed loudly pointing at him, “He hits mean!”

  
“Andrew what did you do?” I asked.

  
“She don’t share!” He whined at me stomping his little feet before he started sobbing, “I want blue!” he said pointing at the blue blocks by Laura’s foot.

  
“It mine!” She yelled back.

  
“Ok, you both need to stop. Why do you want all the blue blocks Laura?” I asked her.

  
“I build him boat,” she said.

  
“You were building a boat for him?” I asked pointing at Andy and she nodded her head sniffling and wiping her snotty nose on the back of her little fist.

  
“I no know that,” Andy said his tears stopping, “For me?”

  
“yes,” she said looking at him, “I love you.”

  
“Aww, she was just trying to give you a present because she loves you. Don’t you feel bad for throwing stuff at her?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah I sorry,” he said, “I love you too Lulee.”

  
“Now hug and make up,” I directed them as I felt Mary’s diaper and realized how squishy it was.

  
“I love you,” Laura told Andy again and then she wobbled over to him on her two-year-old legs and hugged him.

  
Now I’m not sure that is exactly how the conversation went. It was probably honestly mostly baby speak but that’s what I remember it being. They were so happy when they were that age. Usually they didn’t fight it was actually rare between the two of them but, when it did happen things were always thrown, sometimes hair was pulled. But in the end Laura always said that she loved him and he always forgave her. It was always hard for him to be mean or say no to Lar. It still is.

  
That was my very first diaper change. I figured someone had to and I had watched mum do it a million times before so walked over to the changing table and pulled a diaper out of the diaper drawer and grabbed the powder. At least it was only a wet diaper and not a stinky one. I undid her onesie by the snaps it pulled it up her little belly as her tears started to finally quiet and undid the sides lifting her little legs up in one hand so I could pull the wet diaper out from under her.

  
She kicked slightly as I arranged the other diaper under her and made sure I dumped powder on her bum and front and then did up the sides of the diaper easily. Now I was by far nowhere near mastering the diaper change and did pretty good but looking back I probably used way too much powder the baby powder evident on her legs and all over the inside back part of her onesie as I pulled it back over her bum and snapped the snaps back up before I laid her down in her crib.

  
She seemed happy for the moment so I checked the other two and thanked the lord they weren’t wet because I probably would have gotten peed on. And I sat down and started playing with the blocks with my little brother and sister.

  
“We builts boats together,” Andy told me happily.

  
“Can I join?” I asked him and he looked at Laura who nodded her head in agreement.

  
“Okay.” He answered simply.

  
And we built a boat using toddler Legos. I can’t remember what else was talked about but, it couldn’t have been too horribly interesting considering they were two. But after a while I heard the elevator kick on and heard Matt and Mike and James coming into the kitchen to sit down and pulling out their school work books.

  
“Homework?” I asked as the elevator dinged and mum climbed out going down the hallway.

  
“Yeah,” Mike said shrugging his shoulders.

  
After a little while mum came back out shaking her head sadly and pulled some chicken out of the fridge that she started to prepare for dinner. I had no idea what was going on but she seemed tired. I figured it was maybe the fight with Da and uncle Ben. Maybe some of it was what she had seen. I wasn’t sure what to say so I stayed silent until she asked me something.

  
“Will hun can you please take these bottles I just had to heat up and give one the Mac who will hold his own and feed Seamus for me?” She asked me.

  
“Sure,” I answered.

  
“Ok thanks love,” She said as she starting dishing out green beans onto each plate on the counter.

  
I went into the nursery and gave Mac his bottle in his crib and then picked up Seamus and sat down in the rocking chair. I started rocking him lightly as he started eating from the bottle and mum came in after a few minutes taking Mary’s bottle from the table I had set it on and started feeding Mary in another chair in the corner.

  
“Are you ok love?” She asked me.

  
I frowned at her. Was I ok? That felt like a very complicated question I had done nothing but baby sit since I got home after I had been groped while my Da watched. I hadn’t had a moment to breathe let alone stop my head from spinning. Any anxiety I had suffered from, any upset had been pushed to the back of my brain in order to take care of my younger siblings.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “You mean because of earlier?”

  
“Yes,” she answered.

  
“It’s not…unusual,” I said quietly.

  
“Ben, you mean?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

  
“You’re 10 years old,” She said in disbelief shaking her head.

  
“Mum I know. I’m fine though I think. Worry about John,” I told her.

  
“I don’t think you’re fine,” she told me, “It can’t feel good. It has to be painful, not just physically but emotionally.”

  
“It’s not great but, I’m fine really,” I answered, “I’m ok right now he didn’t really do anything. He was just undressing me.”

  
“Normal uncles don’t undress their nephews,” she pointed out.

  
“We’re not normal mum. We haven’t ever been normal. I read Da’s emails mum,” I said.

  
It was true. Once I had figured out how computers worked at school through classes I had taken at nine I had easily figured out my Da’s password and started reading his emails. Some of them were in code. Using words and using abbreviations like CP and AOA and BL/CL/GL all of those but it didn’t take long to figure out what all of those met. And once they had started referring to it as “real love” and “teaching” or “lessons” the rest of it made sense too.

  
“His emails?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said, “Did you know he…he likes kids?”

  
“When I first got with him? No,” she said quietly, “I didn’t even know until John was around four and I found your uncle with him and your Da told me it was ok. That it was normal and healthy. I wanted him to get help because of certain things. When did you start doing that?”

  
“Last year. One of the weekends after he…” I shrugged my shoulders, “He’s been talking to a lot of them. A lot of people like him. Like Ben.”

  
“Uncle Ben, love,” she corrected me.

  
“Mum,” I said feeling myself blush slightly at my own candor before the words left me, “He’s kind of getting very up close and personal with me. So, I feel like I have the right to call him whatever I want.”

  
“So, if you had a better choice you would call him something other than his name I take it?” she asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“I’ll accept Ben then,” she answered.

  
“Thank you,” I said.

She was silent for a moment or two and then she sighed, “William how long as Da been hurting you?”

  
“A while, you can’t tell John though,” I said stopping and putting Seamus over my shoulder to burp him which was something I had been doing to babies since I was probably six or seven.

  
“Why didn’t you say anything?” She asked me.

  
“If you knew then John knew,” I answered her, “And he can’t know. It would destroy him to know especially because he thinks if he does it. If he lets Da do it that Da won’t let Ben do it, and Da won’t do it to anyone else. They lied to him mum and he can’t handle it. Mum it was really bad,” I said feeling the lump in my throat, “Da kept him locked in Da’s bedroom. He was probably naked all the time. He wasn’t allowed to see anyone or talk to anyone but Da and I think it drove him a little crazy. He’s not the same mum. And Da took him to a doctor’s appointment and didn’t come back until late and when they came home his arm was broken and in a cast.”

  
“You think Da hurt him?” she asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said, “He hasn’t done anything that could randomly break his arm. He’s not athletic he had barely left the bedroom until Monday.”

  
“And now he’s hungover and looks like he hasn’t eaten in a month,” she said more to herself than to me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“Ok well I’ll get everyone ready for bed, can you go feed yourself and then make sure everyone else is ready and settled in?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said getting up and going out into the kitchen where my dinner plate was sitting by the microwave. I decided to heat it up and then eat. Feeling tired. The past two days had been tiring. The idea of a weekend with him was tiring.

  
After a while she told me she was taking John somewhere, the doctor I think and then she took off him looking like he’d been run over by a truck still. I had everyone in the living room in their PJ’s watching a movie when I heard the lift kick to life and figured it was mum and John coming back up until I heard the scream and jumped out of my skin.

  
Cat had gone over there without me noticing. Cat had seen the door open John falling out his face red and swollen as he gripped his stomach doubled over in pain. He had blood dripping from his nose down into his shirt collar his nose bleeding profusely like someone had really punched him hard in the face.

  
“What happened?” I asked grabbing Cat and pulling her away from him, trying to give him some space as he stayed hunched over somehow managing to crawl forward on his hands and knees probably in so much pain he couldn’t actually stand.  
“What’s he doing?” I heard Matty asks his eyes sparkling as he took in the blood running down John’s neck.

  
“I think he’s hurts, can you take Cat back into the living room and watch TV?” I asked him.

  
“But I want to see, what happened?” Matty asked.

  
“Matt not right now,” I sighed, “Go watch TV.”

  
“Is all that blood coming from his nose? Do you think his nose is broken?” Matt muttered as I took Cat’s hand and put it in his.

  
“Matt, now,” I warned.

  
He rolled his eyes, “Fine whatever.” He said before stomping off with Cat in tow.

  
Just as I turned around John emptied his already empty stomach onto the floor next to him. I remember thinking he had to be in an extreme amount of pain to be vomiting that he had probably been hit in the stomach a couple of times to cause that and I remember looking closely at his vomit to make sure it wasn’t red or brown but that it was a normal color. It seemed more yellow and it smelled sour like stomach acid and I remember wrinkling my nose as I tried not to plug it to block the smell from entering my system “eww,” I muttered bending down so I wasn’t hovering above him.

  
John frowned in annoyance not really saying anything probably trying to make sure his stomach was settled before he spoke. He sat up and looked at me pinching his nose closed trying to get the bleeding to slow. He shook his head at me.  
“Are you ok?” I asked him sitting down on the floor making sure I kept my distance from his vomit.

  
He inhaled before he answered me “I think so, I… Uncle Ben got pissed and he decided I looked like a great punching bag.”

  
“That’s new for you,” I said shrugging my shoulders feeling kind of sorry for him. I knew he had no idea Ben had thrown me against a wall about two weeks before cracking my skull but, I felt like now wasn’t the time to share that information especially when he was bleeding so freely from his face.

  
“Not really. When I was little I remember him hitting me sometimes like if I didn’t do what he wanted me to so I knew the temper was there I just wasn’t expecting it this time. Don’t you remember?” He asked me curiously still pinching his nose closed.

  
“Not really, I remember a lot of hiding in closets. Like A LOT of hiding in closets and remember Da hitting on Mum but I don’t remember Uncle Ben beating the snot out of anyone. At least not when we were little,” I muttered.

  
“Well, he has before,” John said “Maybe just not as bad because I was only little.”

  
“You sure you’re ok?”

  
“Nothing some pain meds and some sleep won’t fix,” John sighed.

  
“Do you want to just keep sitting here or do you want some help moving out of the way?” I asked him offering him my hand.

  
“Yeah,” he replied reaching out and grabbing the hand I offered.

  
I pulled him to his feet and he stumbled a little, his gait unsteady as he was careful not to touch me with his bloody hand when he pulled it away from his nose. The bleeding had mostly stopped but he still looked like he’d been run over by a bus his neck and chin caked in blood that had ran from his nose down his front us both getting to our feet and starting down the hall when the elevator dinged open.

  
Mum opened her mouth and shock putting her hand over it as she gasped, “Oh my love! Let me get some ice.” She said rushing down the hall to grab some ice as we exchanged a look and I helped him over to a couch in the fancier sitting room with all the toys and the bigger TV as I turned to head back to the other living room when I heard someone call out for me.

  
“Will!” Matt called from the other room, “Catty is upset and she won’t stop crying.”

  
“I’m coming!” I shouted walking down the hallway as mum rushed past me a couple moments later going over and scooping Cat up in her arms.

  
“Will love can you go check on Laura and Andy?” Mum asked me as I passed her grabbing my book her holding Catty and rubbing her back softly before she bend and whispered in her hear, “He’s ok love. Just a little bent out of shape is all. He’ll be fine though. I promise.”

  
“Yeah mum,” I said nodding my head as I turned back around.

  
I went down the hall and poked my head into their nursey to find them both sound asleep. Laura was sucking on her thumb as Andy laid in the crib across from hers his bum in the air as he buried his face in his pillow in slumber. I thought of how dangerous of a position that was for him to be sleeping in and shook my head slightly trying to clear the thought from my mind thinking how sad it was that I had something like that occur to me. That sleeping positions was something people in my house had to worry about. That who walked into their bedroom at night was something they had to worry about.

  
I didn’t want to live in that world. In that house. I didn’t feel like I wanted to die but, I wanted something better for myself and for my little brothers and sisters. I especially wanted something better for John. None of us deserved this and it wasn’t fair to have to watch everyone suffer because of two people who were sick and angry and wanted everyone to know that’s what they were, or worse yet didn’t care what people thought.

  
I sighed softly making sure they were both squared away before I shut the door quietly behind me and continued down the hall. I poked my head into Mike’s room to find it empty shutting the door and frowning at it before I walked to the next door over finding them both in that room talking quietly to each other with the light still on.

  
“You two brush your teeth?” I asked them.

  
“Yeah, mum just said it was bedtime we just got in here,” Matty answered.

  
“You two ok?” I asked.

  
“Why wouldn’t we be?” Matty asked me.

  
“I don’t know, I’m just making sure you guys are ok. I mean a lot has happened. Mum coming home with the babies, John being allowed back with us. So I thought I’d check and make sure you two are ok,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“We’re fine other than the stupid babies and their stupid screaming,” Matty said rolling his eyes.

  
“I’m ok,” Mikey answered for himself giving me a small smile.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Goodnight. I’m sure mum will be in a minute to say goodnight too.”

  
“Maybe, right now Catherine is crying like a little baby so mum has to take care of her,” Matty told me.

  
“She’s just upset. That happens,” I told him shrugging my shoulders.

  
“I don’t get upset. I don’t ever get upset getting upset is stupid,” Matty said.

  
“Why do you think that?” I asked him.

  
“It just is. Being upset doesn’t change anything so why be upset? Even if I was upset about something I know it’s not going to make a difference. It’s a waste of time to be upset,” Matt answered me.

  
“Ok well, I’m sure mum will come say goodnight when she’s done with Cat. I love you two,” I said turning to leave.

  
“I love you Will,” Mike said as he laid down in the bottom bunk yawning as he curled up and closed his eyes.

  
I turned off the light and shut the door quietly going across the hall and opening the door to James’ room to find him sitting on his bed holding a Teddy bear and a stuffed Dolphin and sighed sadly as I smiled at him when he looked in my direction, “It’s time for bed you know?”

  
“I know, I was just trying to decide if I wanted to sleep with Both Hugh and Billy or just one or just the other,” he informed me.

  
“Ah, now that is a tough one,” I said coming over and sitting on the edge of the bed next to him, “Have you decided?”

  
“I think both because I would sleep with just Hugh but I think Billy would get jealous,” James told me.

  
“Which is Hugh?” I asked and he held up the Dolphin, “I like him. He’s new but he’s a nice guy. He’s a really good friend and he keeps the sharks away.”

  
I smiled thinking of how true that was how packs of Dolphins have been known to attack sharks in the wild, “Where did you learn that?”

  
“What?” He asked frowning at me confused.

  
“Dolphins keep sharks away? Did you know that’s true?” I asked him smiling.

  
“NO!” He shouted excitedly, “That’s true?”

  
“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “In the wild a pod, that’s a group of dolphins has been known to protect their own and chase sharks away to keep everyone safe,” I told him.

  
His eyes lit up as he looked at Hugh in his hands, “Cool,” he whispered nodding his head.

  
“Did you brush your teeth?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he answered still looking at Hugh.

  
“Ok,” I said, “I think mum will be in shortly to tuck you in.”

  
I stood up and walked back over to the door, “Will?” He asked me quietly.

  
“Yeah bud?” I asked him.

  
“Are they going to stop now? Coming into my room at night?” He asked me almost so quiet I barely heard the question.

  
“I don’t know bud. I hope so,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “Since mum got home have they?”

  
“No, but last night Uncle Ben came up here and he took John downstairs. John doesn’t know I saw but I got up to get a drink and he popped out of the pantry like a boogie man. It scared me. Him and John didn’t see me. I don’t want him to come and get me like that.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I don’t think he will but I’ll keep an eye out ok?”

  
“Thanks,” he said nodding his head, “Will?” he said again as I turned to leave for a second time.

  
“Yeah?” I asked him cocking my eyebrow in annoyance.

  
“I huh…why don’t you give real love kisses like Da and Uncle Ben do?” He asked me.

  
Oh boy. That was my first thought. I figured someone would eventually ask those questions but I wasn’t expecting to hear it right before bed from my little brother who just shared that he was afraid of our uncle and compared him to the boogie man. I sighed and went back over to sit on the bed next to him again and offered him my hand which he took.

  
“Listen bud. The way Da kisses you some times and the way Uncle Ben kisses you, us. It’s not right ok? When you love someone and you want to spend forever with them and hold hands with them and maybe raise kids with them that’s when you kiss them like that. Not, not people you’re related to. Do you understand?” I asked him quietly.

  
“I think so,” he said, “Like how we talked about my teacher and how if he wanted me to sit in his lap during story time it was ok for me to say no if I didn’t think it felt right and if I wasn’t ok with it?”

  
“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “like that. People usually don’t kiss their kids like that because it makes their kids feel not ok and they know that. And I know it might be hard to understand but people, most people don’t really think it’s ok to kiss any kids that way not even their own,” I sighed trying to think of how to best explain it, “People would get really mad if they knew Da kisses us like that. That Uncle Ben kissed us like that.”

  
“Yeah that’s why we’re not supposed to tell,” James told me.

  
“I love you but, I love you like a brother loves a brother. I don’t want to spend forever with you like that. I want you to find someone you want to spend forever with and raise kids with and then I want to be able to come visit and be brothers. Do you understand you think?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, I think so,” he said, “Like you mean mum and Da and how they are raising us together?”

  
“Yes,” I said sort of relieved he understood my meaning, “Exactly. You have any other questions bud?”

  
“No, not right now,” he said, “If I do though I know I can ask you because you’ll tell me the truth.”

  
“Yeah, I promise I’ll always try to tell you the truth,” I agreed, “I love you. I think it’s time for you to settle in and mum will come in and say goodnight in a little while ok?”

  
“Ok, I love you too. Goodnight,” he said.

  
I got up again and walked to the door turning off the light and this time he finally let me leave the room as I shut the door behind me. I didn’t bother to say goodnight to Catherine, knowing that mum was with her. Saying her goodnight. That she would see me in the morning and that was ok.

  
I settled in. I knew it was early for me to go to sleep but I was tired so much had been going on lately I didn’t feel weird about going to bed early and I wasn’t big on watching TV anyway so I figured I’d just turn on my table lamp and read for a while changing my clothes and climbing into my covers just as there was a light knock on my door and mum poked her head in.

  
“Isn’t it a bit early love?” she asked me.

  
“I’m just going to read,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “Is everything ok mum?”

  
“I just wanted to check with you again, make sure you’re ok,” She said coming and sitting in the chair at my desk again like she had earlier.

  
“Yeah, I’m ok,” I answered, “How is Cat?”

  
“Scared,” she told me, “She’s afraid of everyone getting hurt. Of your uncle hurting you boys.”

  
I nodded my head, “He scares me a little,” I admitted voicing something she already knew. Letting myself be vulnerable for a moment.

  
“I thought you probably were but you’re always so private about your feelings,” Mum said, “You’re Uncle Ronald was like that when were kids.”

  
My Uncle Ronald was my mum’s brother, a man I had never met and never would. He had died young in a car accident when mum was still little Ron being slightly older than mum was. They had been close and mum talked about him often when we were growing up. Told us stories about things they used to do as kids together.

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “There’s nothing I can do about it. Being afraid of him won’t make it so it doesn’t happen.”

  
“You can say what it is love. Calling it what it is takes the power away from it,” She informed me.

  
“I don’t like saying it,” I said shaking my head, “I know it’s rape mum. I know that’s what he does to me I’m not …I’m not denying it I just don’t like the word.”

  
“Why not?” She asked me.

  
“It feels gross,” I answered, “It makes me feel gross.”

  
“You have done nothing wrong love,” she said looking at me her eyes shining like she was trying not to cry, “This isn’t your fault. I will get you and your siblings out of here I swear that to you. This won’t be your life forever and right now I’m working on a plan to do that. Working on a plan to get us somewhere safe. Somewhere away from them.”

  
“Really?” I asked.

  
I felt like someone had lit a spark in me. A tiny flame of hope that had just caught alight. She wanted us out of here too? She wanted us safe enough that she would leave everything behind just so we didn’t have to be near them anymore? How though? It seemed impossible.

  
“Yes,” She said nodding her head lowering in voice almost like the walls were listening, “Don’t tell anyone but, I’m going to figure this out. I did this to you and I need to undo it. You’re Da said something earlier that are troubling. You said you read his emails?”

  
“Yeah, I do sometimes,” I answered.

  
“He said he knows police that are like him. That will protect him. Do you know if that’s true?” She asked me.

  
“One email someone sent out asked if anyone wore blue and then it said next to it in the bubbles police and someone answered back that yeah there’s a couple of guys that do. It didn’t give any names or anything though,” I answered.

  
“Ok,” Mum said nodding her head quietly, “I’m going to go make sure everyone else is settled in. I’ll let you know what’s going on. What’s happening. Next time you spy on Da his emails if you find anything let me know ok?”

  
“Yeah. Goodnight mum. I love you,” I said quietly.

  
“I love you too,” She said kissing my forehead before she got up and shut the door.

  
I didn’t want to get up hopes too high but maybe if we were lucky we would be able to get away. Even than at 10 I knew it would be hard. Having so many babies unless we left someone behind it would be almost impossible and Da would never just let us leave. That he would want to find us, to look for us. The idea was scary yet exciting at the same time. Freedom, the idea of freedom making that little tiny spark of hope in me shine brightly like a beckon lighting my soul.


	23. Twentythree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will heads back to school for the day finding one of his friends his missing. Father Barney makes a move only to change his mind with a bit of information causing Will to have conflicted feelings. He learns more about the brotherhood by talking to Finn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 334 to 347. **Warnings:** talk of rape non/con, talk of murder, talk of human trafficking, mental health issues. This is actually a chapter with no rape just talking about rape. It's kind of short chapter but, I figured I would explain what the brotherhood was for people who wanted more detail. I'm going to start marking chapters that coenside with chapters in John's story that way people can go back and reread so they can compaire the two different POV. I'm doing this because it really dawned on me how different the two of them really are and how Will doesn't seem to have some of the same hang ups John does when it comes to details and stuff so there are probably (I didn't even notice this until I compared a situation they both wrote about or I wrote about as Will vs as John) details that Will shares that John simply won't. So I figured a little bit of guidance might be interesting. I'll let everyone know when those chapters come up and tell you what chapter it is in John's story so you guys can go back and reread easier if you choose. Do you think that's a good idea? Let me know in the comments.

When I woke up the next morning on Friday I felt more hopeful than I had in a while. More like there was something to live for, to look forward to than I had in a long time. Maybe we’d get away soon. I knew it was wishful thinking but the thought still made me feel better.

  
When I got on the bus that morning Finn saw my face and his eyes lit up, “So your mom being home is good news?” He asked.

  
“I think so,” I said wishing I could share it with him. That she was looking for ways out, for an escape.

  
“Good,” Finn said nodding his head. “Good.”

  
“So how was your evening?” I asked him.

  
“Same old shit,” he said shrugging his shoulders

  
“That sucks, I’m sorry to hear that,” I said.

  
“It’s not a big deal, so my brother felt me up a little bit before bed it’s not like he full on raped me or anything. That doesn’t happen too often anymore. Not even weekly it’s more like monthly. Probably because I’ve gotten older.”

  
“Wait your brother?” I asked him frowning.

  
“Yeah,” Finn answered, “You know they make guys do that so don’t know why you sound so surprised about it.”

  
“I don’t know. Just like…I don’t understand them I guess,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“I don’t either and I personally don’t want to. I know that my brother has problems like my Dad does. That they’ve been spending time at the Villa or whatever on the weekends and basically leaving me at home by myself which I’m fine with. It’s better than when they used to force me to go,” he said as the bus pulled in to the bus drive and we both got off.

  
I had heard about the Villa in emails and in passing. I still wondered what it really was though. Usually a Villa in Italy meant a big open house on the coast and while we lived near the Florida coast it wasn’t the same thing. I felt like it was only a matter of time before I found out what exactly the Villa was for myself. Before I saw it and that thought scared me because I knew that’s where I would be branded.

  
That day something felt different when I walked into the classroom Teddy not being there leaving me and Quinn. I felt like I had been punched in the gut seeing Ted’s seat empty like something was wrong. Something was seriously off. After we were settled in Father Barney turned on a movie. I’m pretty sure it was the diary of Anne Frank and Quinn moved into Teddy’s empty seat slipping me a note in the dark room.

  
“Have you heard?”

  
“What?” I wrote back.

  
How was I supposed to know what I had or hadn’t heard if he didn’t write it out or tell me? I thought the question seemed slightly redundant. For all I knew he was asking me if I’d heard about the chocolate muffins they were now serving in the lunch line now. However, I had a pretty good feeling that wasn’t what he was referring to.

  
He looked at the note and shook his head before frantically scribbling on the paper and when he handed it back the writing was almost illegible he had written it so fast.

  
“What part you want first Where Teddy is or what we have to look forward to?”

  
“Ted,” I wrote back simply.

  
“Ted’s mom has gone off the deep end and pulled him out of school him and Luke. Apparently, they aren’t taking the abuse the way his mom thinks he should. Will go into more detail later.”

  
I frown shooting him a questioning look. I knew him mom was nuts but, crazy enough to take him out of school. He sighed and then motioned for me to lean towards him.

  
“They are planning a branding. Like they make a big deal out of it we told you that, right? I think they have at least three people they are branding and it’s going to be in like two weeks and then they’re doing another one shortly after that for a different age group. That’s how many people there are. Have you heard anything about that?”

  
“No, I didn’t read Da’s emails last time I got on the computer I was looking up stuff about Matty,” I answered, “I can take a look tonight see if there is anything I can find.”

  
“Would you please? I’m afraid that it’s just excuse she gave Teddy to keep him calm and that she really pulled him and Luke out of school to entertain guest. It’s huh…” Quinn trailed off for a minute, “He’s my best friend ok? Teddy I mean. I know you think he’s like half retarded but it’s just because he doesn’t know how to deal with it. He worried about Luke so much. You have no idea.”

  
“I’ll figure it out ok? I promise I’ll take a look and see what I can find but, I can’t promise I’ll have real answers. I’ll try though.”

  
“Thanks,” he said as someone behind us cleared their throat and I felt a hand on my shoulder.

  
“I’ll see you after the lunch Bell rings Mr. McGregor,” Father Barney said behind me.

  
“Wait, what?” I asked, “He was talking too.”

  
“Pointing out other people’s faults isn’t going to help you now you can see me after school as well and take the lower school bus home,” he said causing me to sigh heavily as he gently patted my shoulder and then walked back to the front of the class.  
When the bell rang I prepared myself for whatever it was he was going to do to me when everyone else left for lunch. The moment the last person was gone my hands shaking me putting them under my desk in my lap to hide it. I sighed deeply waiting for him to speak, waiting to see what he was going to do.

  
“What was so important you had to talk during my movie?” He asked me.

  
“We were talking about a friend,” I said, “he’s not in school today.”

  
“Teddy? Don’t worry about Teddy he’s fine,” Father Barney said. The way he had causally used Ted’s nickname unnerving me.

  
This wasn’t teacher father Barney this was the father Barney that had asked me if he could kiss me the first day I met him. This was the father Barney you didn’t want to be alone with. This was the person I was afraid of.

  
I quietly stared at him trying to keep myself calm. Trying to keep the fact that he had startled me off my face. Trying to appear blank and calm.

  
“What are you going to do?” I asked him.

  
“Let’s start with talking,” he said, “See where it goes from there, continue after class.”

  
“What do you want to talk about?” I asked quietly.

  
“You’re going to get all shy on me?” He asked me smiling.

  
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to talk to him. It was that simple. I wasn’t being shy.

  
“Let’s play 20 questions. Do you know how to play?” He asked me.

  
“Isn’t that where you think of an object and someone asks you 20 questions to narrow down what it is?” I asked him.

  
“No, it’s about getting to know someone. You ask a question and I answer and so on. You can pass but that ruins the fun,” Father Barney said, “How about I start with something simple?”

  
“Ok,” I answered.

  
“What’s your favorite color?” He asked me.

  
“Honestly I like Orange like sunset orange. What’s your first name?” I asked him.

  
“Oh, a serious player I see.” He commented smiling, “Elijah.”

  
“Elijah Barney?” I asked.

  
“I didn’t pick it,” he commented, “But yes, that’s my name. What is your favorite animal?” He asked me.

  
“A bear. Polar bears if you want to be specific,” I told him. “How did you end up a priest?”

  
He laughed lightly, “Is that a polite way of asking me if certain proclivities I have lead me to make this life choice? No honestly my Father was adopted by a nice Catholic couple in Poland who didn’t believe children should be killed for something they can’t help. They raised him in the church and hearing the story and how he had never felt closer to god then when he was in mass gave me comfort. It made me feel like it was somewhere I would always be wanted. So, I decided to serve god. Because I thought God would keep me on a safe path where I could help people. Keep me out of trouble. Little did I know that certain mentors I had felt the same way I did about certain things and decided to deal with by throwing parties after mass and making sure some of the altar boys were nice and relaxed,” he cleared his throat, “Do you like boys or girls?”

  
I stopped. My heart felt like it stopped. So, that’s what this was. This get to know me? It was because he wanted to see if I was ok with him touching me? Him making me do that? I wasn’t playing that game.

  
“Why so shy all of the sudden?” He asked me, “You don’t like that question?”

  
“Why would I tell you either way?” I asked, “I’m 10.”

  
“I know who your dad is,” he said, “Don’t forget that. Answer the question.”

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “I don’t really think about it that much. Do you think that there’s something wrong with it?”

  
“Liking boys? Not at all; I like boys. You know that. I really like boys. There’s nothing wrong with it. Or liking both,” he told me.

  
“Ok, liking boys for me is a lot different than it is for you. If I do like them,” I said bravely.

  
“Really? How so?” He asked me.

  
“Because I’m 10 me liking boys is well, according to you it’s normal so I’ll go with that. But you liking boys is the difference between me wanting to hold hands with my friend Cole and wanting to kiss a 2-year-old. Ones really gross and the other seems pretty normal,” I answered.

  
“How old do you think is too old for someone to like you. To have a crush on you?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know like 17, 18,” I answered.

  
“What if you were say 17 or 18? Then how old would be appropriate at the oldest?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know like 30?” I answered.

  
“That’s the thing about age. The older you get the less of a deal it is. As your age jumped up so did the age gap between you and the person you thought it was ok to like you. You’re 10 so 17 is seven years’ difference. At 18 you said 30 that’s 12 years. So, if you were 20 say that age grows by 20 years so that means someone in their 40’s could have a crush on you and you’d be ok with it. So, if the numbers just going to get bigger why not just skip a few steps and eliminate the hang ups right off the bat?” He asked me.

  
“Because there’s a difference. And I didn’t say I’d want to be with someone that age just that it was ok for them to like me. There’s a difference between having a crush on someone and actually kissing them and stuff.”

  
“You think so? Do you think kissing is probably ok?” He asked me.

  
“If both people want to,” I answered.

  
“You know kissing leads to sex, right?” He asked me and I felt myself twitch at the word, “Don’t pretend you don’t know that that is. Do you like sex?”

  
I remember saying no but I must have whispered it to myself because he sighed looking at me.

  
“What did you say?” He asked me quietly.

  
“I don’t like…,” I said quietly.

  
He sighed again and came over to me standing in front of my desk, “What about other things. You know like when…someone puts their mouth…”

  
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” I yelled scrambling back out of my seat so he leaned forward the anxiety of him being that close too much. I didn’t want him in my space.

  
“I’m not touching you,” he said putting his hands up in front of me, “Geeze I forgot how skittish some of you boys are. Probably why I’m not allowed to teach the older boys anymore because they tend to be a lot less jumpy about the whole thing.”

  
“I’m tired of being touched,” I said quietly.

  
“You’re one of those?” He asked me.

  
“One of what?” I asked

  
“You get anxious and then after getting so anxious you get angry and you lash out. Shut down. There’s nothing wrong with it. Just an observation,” he said.

  
“I’m not anxious,” I lied.

  
“You think I didn’t notice the tremors your experiencing?” He asked me, “Those are caused by anxiety. I may be a middle school English teacher but I did take some biology in my day and I know what anxiety looks like.”

  
“I just don’t want you…you to touch me,” I mumbled.

  
“There’s not enough time for any of that right now,” he said his facial expression still one of amusement. “Go to lunch, pick up some food I’ll make a phone call,” He said walking over to the phone on the wall.

  
I got up almost stumbling over my own feet I was shaking so badly. He was right it was my anxiety because I knew if it wasn’t him it was going to be someone else. Either Da or Uncle Ben or Barry. It was always going to be someone. `When I left his classroom I stumbled into the nearest bathroom locking myself in a stall and sitting on top of the toilet tank. I bit into my hand and cried trying to be quiet.

  
I didn’t usually cry. Crying never helped anything it never made anything better really so I figured why do it but for some reason I just couldn’t not cry in that moment. Knowing that if it wasn’t him it would someone else. That they would just keep coming after me. After my brothers. After everyone I cared about until there was nothing left of us. Knowing that was too much. It was too painful.

  
After a while I heard someone come in trying to make sure I stayed silent. Listening to them talk.

  
“So, you’re saying Father Barney made him stay after the lunch bell?” Finn questioned Quinn.

  
“Yeah. I’m kind of worried that he didn’t come to lunch,” Quinn said.

  
“Why because Father Barney is a weirdo?” Finn asked.

  
“You should see the way Father Barney looks at him. It’s THAT look Finn. I’m serious it’s that look and it’s not…”

  
“I know. It’s something you don’t want to see. Even if it’s not directed at you. Do you think he did anything to him?” Finn asked his voice getting low harder to hear.

  
“I hope not, Will goes through enough. You know how hard he tries? How much he worries about everything and everyone?” Quinn said.

  
“Yeah,” Finn said, “God I really hope he’s ok. He’s way too nice for his own good.”

  
“You have to admit he wouldn’t be him if he wasn’t,” Quinn said.

  
“True,” Finn said.

  
I was about to move, to come out to let them know I heard them but then they kept talking.

  
“I think if things were different I might want to…” Quinn trailed off.

  
“Man, I thought you were straight,” Finn muttered.

  
“I am mostly I mean come on. You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed how nice looking he is for a guy,” Quinn said.

  
“You know he would never go for that,” Finn said.

  
“Yeah and you know why? It’s those assholes. They have him so tightly wound he’d never even think it. Hell, if he did he’d probably be too shy to say anything about it,” Quinn said.

  
“Wouldn’t you be? I mean how old were you the first time? Last year, right?” Finn asked, “Imagine being younger than that. He’s told me things about his Dad, his past and his dad. He started when he was little ok? Like my Dad.”

  
“Oh, Finn don’t cry,” Quinn said quietly, “I’m sorry. Don’t cry man come on.”

  
“I’m Sorry,” I heard Finn say, “I just. It’s not pleasant ok? Not when it’s like that.”

  
“You think I like it?” I heard Quinn ask his voice sounding hard.

  
“That’s not what I meant,” Finn said, “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that there’s a lot of other things going on when they start that young. I don’t remember a time when he wasn’t really touching me like that. Or making Wal touch me like that. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve made Will and some of his brothers do that and he’s just too ashamed to say anything about it.”

  
“You mean like me and Cal?” Quinn asked.

  
“You and Cal is different. You’re not blood related,” Finn said.

  
I thought who the hell was Cal and why had I never heard of him? I cleared my throat and flushed the toilet my eyes still feeling tired and puffy but I figured I couldn’t hide in there all day. I opened the door.

  
“Will!” Quinn nearly shouted his face turning red, “You scared me man. Are you ok?”

  
I nodded my head and went over to the sink turning on the water. I didn’t want to talk about any of it but I didn’t think it was fair to listen to them when they thought they were alone. I allowed some cold water to collect in the palm of my hand before splashing my face with it.

  
“Did he hurt you?” Quinn asked me quietly. referring to father Barney.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “it’s just someone will. If it’s not him later it’ll be someone else. It’s always someone. I’m just tired really.”

  
“I can understand that,” Finn said sniffling wiping his eyes on his blazer sleeve, “I’m a tired a lot too. You already know why.”

  
“Hey, not to ruin a moment here guys but how much of that were you paying attention to?” Quinn asked me his face glowing a slightly darker shade of red.

  
“I heard all of it,” I said clearing my throat, “I’m not sure what to say about some of it though to be honest.”

  
“You know I wouldn’t have said that if I knew you were here, right?” He said, “I mean you weren’t supposed to hear that.”

  
“I figured,” I said, “That’s why I let you know I was here when I did because I can understand you not wanting me to know that you find me attractive.”

  
“You do realize that doesn’t mean that I’m like…” I cut him off.

  
“Going to force yourself on me? As long as you don’t do that I have no problem with you thinking I’m cute.”

  
“I was going to say that doesn’t mean I’m like gay but yeah. I’m not going force myself on you either because that’s not a very nice thing to do and I don’t think I’d be a very good friend if I tried that,” Quinn said.

  
“What do you think of being gay?” I asked him.

  
“Well I think It’s kind of weird a little bit. Only because you grow up and then you end up like them,” Quinn said.

  
“Where did you hear that?” Finn asked frowning, “There is a huge difference between being gay and being like them. When you’re gay from my understanding you want to be with guys your own age not like guys our age. I think that’s called something else.”  
“Pedophilia,” I answered, “It’s called pedophilia. I did some reading when I was in school. Last year. Back in London because I started working on my hacking skills. I found and email someone wrote to my Da and mentioned something about their group and how it was a Pedophiliac Neurogenesis therapy and whether he believed any of the crap they were being taught. I didn’t know what the word meant so I looked it up. It means you like kids. Sex with kids.”

  
“We’re not kids,” Quinn said.

  
“Well, actually we kind of are. We’re like right on the edge we’re in puberty some of us have just started. So, someone who …they’d be hebephiles if they preferred our age group. Younger pedophiles late puberty is considered ephebophiles younger than 5 is infantophiles,” I informed them.

  
“Did a lot of reading then, huh?” Quinn asked.

  
I just nodded my head. I almost didn’t want to explain anymore how they were different. Because I wasn’t always sure that it was. Because I was kid. Looking at other kids. Wondering what it would be like to hold their hands what their lips would taste like. Feel like and because they were all kids near my age it felt wrong. Like I was like them.

  
“So then just because sometimes it’s nice to feel someone I think is nice if they’re willing it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with me, right?” Quinn asked quietly.

  
I saw the same doubts in his face that I had. That maybe it wasn’t right maybe there was something wrong with me because I thought about guys like that. I saw a little bit of relief when I said there was a difference even if I wasn’t sure I believed there was myself.

  
“Yeah as long as you don’t force people. You’re different from them,” I confirmed.

  
“Yeah, I would never force anyone,” Quinn said, “Forcing people is just horrible.”

  
Just then the lunch bell rang sending a shiver down my spine. It meant I had to go back to class. Just to wait for another bell to ring for him to do whatever it was he was going to do to me. For him or whoever else it was that was going to hurt me that day to do it. I felt like I was going to crack into a million pieces just while waiting and had to steady myself against the wall I was standing next to and take several deep breaths before I turned towards the door.

  
“You’re not alone. We’re right here. I even have this hour with you remember? Father Frankel doesn’t do Science,” Finn said smiling at me sadly.

  
“Yeah man he’s right. You’d have to be seriously insane to think we’d be ok walking away knowing he was going to hurt you. We won’t let him touch you. Just like you wouldn’t let him do it to us,” Quinn said.

  
“Nice slow breaths and I have a shoulder if you need it ok? I’ll sit in Teddy’s seat,” Finn said.

  
“Thanks,” I said quietly and took a deep breath before leaning against Finn.

  
“It’s ok I’ve got you,” He whispered in my ear and I felt my face warm up.

  
Finn was good looking. Almost like Cole but his hair was a little darker and he was a little bit more muscle instead of slim his body looking like it already fit the frame it was on, instead of looking like he was waiting for his muscle to catch up with his height. His eyes a light blue so blue they almost seemed gray whereas Coles were a vibrant green closer to mine.

  
He didn’t try to put his arm around me or touch me in anyway but he allowed me to lean into him. To use his shoulder to support my weight while we walked. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath noting that he smelled like Fresh ground coffee and how it was a pleasant smell even if coffee wasn’t something I drank.

  
Once we got to the classroom I quit leaning on him standing on my own two feet feeling a little more confident in my ability to handle things. I did my best to ignore Father Barney the rest of the class period the way he was shooting glances my way when he thought I wasn’t looking and I remember glancing down at my pencil and then looking at Finn next to me and glancing at his hands, the smooth oval shape of his nails and wondering how his hands could seem so much bigger than mine even though he was only a year older than I was. How he seemed so much more suited to his body than I was to mine. The way he moved seeming so fluid and elegant. His hands moving his pencil over his paper looking almost like a dance.

  
Focusing on him next to me got me to the bell. That chirping siren bring me back to reality like a bowling ball to the stomach. Here it was. Here’s where my day really started.

  
I stayed seated. Waiting for everyone to file out and then looked over and noticed Finn hadn’t moved. Finn was staying.

  
“What are you…?” I started to question and he just shook his head looking past me to my left where Quinn was sitting.

  
“Fella’s what’s going on?” Father Barney asked.

  
“I needed some homework help,” Quinn said glancing at the two of us.

  
“Ok, well let me help you another time,” Father Barney said, “What about you Mr. Huber? Why are you still here?”

  
“Look,” Finn sighed rubbing his temples with his thumbs, “We know what you are. You know what we are. So, let’s cut the crap. We’re not going to let you pick on him. You’ve singled him out we’re not stupid and he already deals with it enough. He doesn’t need you too. He deals with his uncle and his dad and Headmaster Watson he doesn’t need you too. Give him a break.”

  
He glared at Finn for a second and then sighed, “That many?”

  
He looked at me his nose wrinkling like he was grossed out. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the look he was giving. Whether I should be happy about it or not. If maybe I should be thrilled he found me disgusting because so many people were using me so that meant he wouldn’t be wanting me anymore or if my feelings should be hurt because he thought I was disgusting. Because he knew I was used. I nodded my head not able to look at him.

  
“Ok then,” he said, “No wonder it was so easy to get your dad to agree. He’s whoring you out to everyone who wants a piece of you. He didn’t care to tell me I’d be getting sloppy fourths if you will. You can go, all three of you. Get out of here. Now.”

  
We all stood up me feeling numb not sure what exactly I was doing but grabbing my bag and stomping out of the room before I took off running down the hall back to the bathroom. I wasn’t doing this. I wasn’t going to cry because some asshole didn’t want me. I wasn’t going to cry because some guy wasn’t going to rape me. I felt fucking stupid. I closed my eyes leaning against the skink trying to breathe when someone tapped my shoulder causing me to spin around my arm raised as he caught my forearm in his grip.

  
“You’re not a whore,” Finn said looking at me, “You’re not a whore.”

  
With that all of the energy rushed out of me. The anger, the hate, the confusion and all that was left was tired and sad and I couldn’t stop the tears anymore and I let him wrap his arms around me, “I know.” He said quietly rubbing my back, “I know it’s ok.”

  
“I’m so tired,” I said to him.

  
“It’s ok to be tired. Me too,” Finn said as I heard him sniffle into my shoulder too, “It’s ok for us to be tired ok? Don’t ever let them tell you you’re not allowed to be tired of this bullshit.”

  
“They just don’t ever stop,” I said after I had finally quit crying.

  
“Yeah,” Finn sighed, “No kidding.”

  
“Finn?” I said.

  
“Yeah?” Finn questioned.

  
“Who is Cal and why haven’t I heard of him before?” I asked.

  
“He’s just a one. Quinn got him when he was like four. His dad got him,” Finn said, “He’s nothing. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

  
“What’s a one?” I asked confused.

  
“The ranking system?” Finn said, “Please tell me someone told you about the ranking system.”

  
“Ted did a little bit but I’m still not sure I understand. I just know on my first day some kid came up to us to see if I was ok because Ted was being Ted and making his stupid off color jokes and I got kind of upset and Ted called him second best,” I answered.  
“Ok, well there’s a system the way it works it there’s maybe a handful of 6’s. Sixes are like O. G’s original gangsters they started the brotherhood. Now we’re just one part of the brotherhood. Ok you have inclusive, boys and girls. Inclusive means they kind of are handsy with both their sons and daughters and don’t mind sharing the wealth since you know we’re not people or anything like that. Boys like…” I cut him off.

  
“I think I get it,” I said.

  
“Ok yeah but anyway All together the three groups call themselves the Fathers for Child Love or FFCL Brotherhood. Hence the shorthand and why they call themselves the brotherhood. Anyway. Ranking system. 6’s are the original 8. The founding members. All of their kids that stayed in or birthed in someone is a five or someone who has big money. Like we’re talking close to 5 million dollars or more. If your family has that type of money than your family earns a 5 off the bat if it joins. A 4 is anywhere from 1 to 5 million in money and a 3 is anywhere below that. 2’s are like adopted kids. Like forged adoptions usually but, yeah those are 2’s and 1’s are basically just like kids they’ve brought. Sometimes they’re brought from druggies off the street to do whatever they want with sometimes they buy them from other countries whatever, doesn’t matter but that’s a one. A one is a kid that no one wanted so the brotherhood picked them up for a little bit of coin.”

  
“They buy people?” I asked.

  
“Yeah,” Finn said, “Yeah and Cal is one of those. He’s a nice guy, he is. Quinn cares about him like a brother I mean they’ve been raised together since they were like I think Cal was like 6 so Quinn was like 4. He lives with three ones when they aren’t at the Villa. Which is like the brotherhood boy lovers whore house pretty much. One of Teddy’s grandpas owns it and it’s just used for ones and parties which are giant orgies where we’re the entertainment. “

  
“So, I’m a five?” I asked.

  
“You’re Dad pulling in over 5 million cash?” Finn questioned.

  
“Oh yeah,” I said, “Remember dude, our family just like distant family owns castles. Remember?”

  
“Oh, yeah that’s right. Yeah, you’re a five it’s rare to be a five. I bet you the leader jizzed his pants when he found your uncle and Dad. You know how many 1’s that money can buy?” Finn asked me shaking his head, “I mean there’s a return of course. A big one because 1’s work street corners too. Cam work, outsiders that want a kid to fuck whatever. They get used a lot. The higher the rank of the kid someone wants to spend time with the more money it cost a handler. Videos of fours and up cost a lot of money and so does their time or the person has to be able to offer something in return. An ivy league recommendation or something for the kid that type of stuff that is very hard for money to buy,” Finn explained.

  
“So how many 5’s are there?” I asked.

  
“Counting your family? Like 8 I think.” Finn said, “I don’t know. I’m not a five I only know this stuff because Teddy is one of my best friends and he eavesdrops like…one day he’s going to get himself into serious trouble when his Grandpa finds out he’s not into bumping with little boys as he gets older.”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked.

  
“Ted is very straight outside of the stuff they force him to do,” Finn said.

  
“No I mean what do you mean when he finds outs?” I asked.

  
“Oh, recruits we’ve talked about that, right? They like to try and start turning people. What happens is you decide you’re ok with it I guess and you don’t mind raping your children or other people’s children for the most part and so then you go from Recruit to actual handler and they hook you up with a girl who was raised in it that they think won’t fight you and they sign a contract saying after they give you at least one child they can divorce you if they want but they leave the kid with you. So, then you can raise them in this…and that’s how they keep going however, they drive so many people away they are constantly looking for people like your uncle and Dad who share those ideals and will be willing to bring them kids and who have money to buy more kids especially girls that will marry recruits and then when they sign the prenup they basically buy their freedom with a child and are free to go. And that’s how they keep things running. Again, according to Teddy,” Finn told me.

  
“The whole thing sounds beyond sick,” I said quietly after a minute.

  
“Yeah. It really is,” Finn said, “I can tell you Quinn is a five because his mom is an OG’s daughter his uncle is a real asshole like yours. Like I’m serious.”

  
“You know what my uncle does to people?” I asked him.

  
“I’ve heard rumors,” Finn admitted, “You know anything?”

  
“I told him no once he spanked me until my skin broke open and my ass was a giant bruise and then he did what he usually does to me. I’ve heard him refer to a kid a couple different times calls them the Thai bitch. I don’t know what it means exactly but I think whoever it was he killed them. Because he’ll say stuff like “that’s nothing compared to what I did to that Thai bitch” when he’s on the phone with people.”

  
“That’s was the rumor I heard. They buy ones and then make snuff with them if someone pays enough money. Basically, torture porn to the extreme. Rape someone to death,” Finn said, “I’ve never seen anything like that and I don’t want to. But, I know they use it as a form of punishment. Like for anyone who breaks enough rules and whose Dad can’t put out enough money to save their ass. Like this one kid Morgan, Justin I think was his name. He fell in love with someone…”

  
“Cole,” I said quietly remembering how he had been crying how he had mentioned that Justin was gone. That they had killed him that I should never fall in love with anyone ever if I knew what was good for me.

  
“Yeah,” Finn said, “Sometimes there’s no walking away from this. Especially for most ones. When they age up they don’t get a sum of cash and an order to keep their mouth shut. If they’re lucky they get a bullet to the back of the head. It’s beyond sick and I can’t imagine ever being ok with it. Quinn talks about it sometimes. What’s going to happen to Cal, to all of his brothers. He said that if his Dad ever gets tired of Cal that he wants to buy him and help him escape. Because while they may not be blood that’s how Quinn sees them. They are still his brothers.”

  
“I can understand that. I wouldn’t want someone killing my brothers,” I answered, “Shouldn’t we go catch a bus?”

  
“Yeah, it’s about that time and either way I live only a couple of neighborhoods away from you so…” He said as we walked out to the bus drive.

  
That night I did everything quickly and found an excuse to head up to the third floor to the computer. I looked it up and went through my Da’s emails again. Everything was true. Everything Finn had told me was true. And they were throwing two branding “parties” this month. They had guest lists and prices people were paying to attend my Da and Uncle were marked paid in full on both lists with method of payment listed as favors.

  
I knew what that meant. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. It was us. My brothers and me. We were the favors. We were their method of payment.

  
That night no one touched me. No one did anything to me but I still couldn’t sleep. My brain spinning imagining the horrible pain either some of us or all of us were going to go through. Before Christmas at least John was going to be marked as their property. As belonging to the brotherhood.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mum asks Will some questions about what John and him are keeping from her. Asks about what Da is doing. Mum goes off to the park and meets with someone after telling Will of her plans to get everyone away from Da. They have a big dinner to celebrate mum's home coming and Da makes an an announcement before eating sending mum and Will upstairs and whisking John away to things that will change their family forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 347 to 358 **correlates with the events of chapters 5 and 6 in The Johnathan Chronicles part 1. Warnings:** Talk of abuse/rape, anxiety, mental illness, talk of physical abuse, rape after math.

The next two weeks seemed to pass by slowly almost like waiting on the home plate for the ball to come flying at your face. I knew something bad was going to happen. Especially once school let out for winter break. One night while I was getting ready for bed mum knocked on the door and opened it before I had a chance to tell her to come in.

  
“Have you been reading your Da’s emails still?” She asked me.

  
“Sometimes, yeah. Why?” I asked confused as to why it was suddenly a big deal.

  
“What does he say about John?” She asked me her face serious. Unmoving like stone.

  
“Mum,” I said trying to warn her that it wasn’t my place to say before she started speaking again.

  
“You need to tell me John just had a panic attack telling me about other guys. What other guys? I thought it was just your Da and Ben do you have any idea what he’s talking about?” Mum asked me quietly.

  
I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. He had told her? He said he wasn’t going to. That we should keep that to ourselves. That she didn’t need to worry any more than she already was. I felt myself shaking. My whole body shaking as she stared at me.  
“Will love?” Mum said to me quietly.

  
“He wasn’t supposed to tell you. We agreed we wouldn’t tell you that,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Well. I need to know what’s going on so I can understand better. You know none of this is your fault, right? That you don’t need to hide this from me. I want you to tell me what you know William you shouldn’t keep me in the dark here.”  
I sighed heavily. So already knew so I decided maybe I should just fill in the blanks. It couldn’t hurt to let her know what was going on so…

  
“I don’t know if I should tell you about John but with me it started I got sick at school. It was one of the teachers he took me to nurse’s office and he…he did things to me. Da and uncle Ben are a part of this group. That does things like that to their kids. I told you that remember?” I asked her.

  
“Yeah I remember that vaguely I didn’t realize it was something that they shared though. I promise I’m trying to get you guys out of here. Not just you two but, all of us ok? I really am. In fact, I have to meet with someone tomorrow who is going to help us. I swear to you I am doing everything I can to get us someplace safe where this doesn’t happen to you anymore,” she said.

  
“I know mum,” I said quietly, “I know.”

  
“Ok well, get some sleep love, it’s late,” She said before she leaned in and kissed my forehead.

  
That night I went to sleep and the next morning when I woke up that stone still sitting in my stomach waiting for something bad to happen waiting for some sort of attention that I knew I was going to get no matter how unwanted it was. Waiting for it was mental torture.

  
The next morning I was woken up by a knock on my bedroom door mum asking me to help with the babies saying she had already woken up Mike and Matt to help me and I agree. For the most part other than Laura taking off and making me chase her up and down the hall while she was naked and I tried to throw a dress on her that morning seemed to go pretty good everyone sitting down to cereal rather easily.

  
“Can I has fruits?” Andy asked me after a few minutes.

  
“Not today bud ok? I’m tired,” I told him.

  
“But fruits good,” Laura announced.

  
“I know guys but I’m tired mum had to go do something ok? Maybe you can have fruit for a snack but for right now we’re going to eat cereal and then watch TV,” I told them.

  
“Promise?” Laura asked me before glancing at Andy who waved his hands excitedly.

  
“I promise,” I agree.

  
“Where’s mum?” Mike asked as Mary started fussing in the play pin across the hall.

  
“She said she had somewhere she had to go. She didn’t tell me where but she said it was important,” I lied.

  
“Why did she take Catty and James and leave us here?” Matt asked running a hand through Andy’s hair causing him to frown and whine batting Matt away.

  
“Matt don’t antagonize him,” I said shaking my head, “She took them to help us. That way we don’t have to worry about them too because we have to watch these guys. Can you come here and hold Mary while I get her bottle ready?”

  
“Why don’t you hold Mary?” He asked me.

  
“Because you want to bother Andrew and I would rather you are kept busy so I don’t have to hear him whine ok?” I said rather harshly.

  
“Someone is in a mood,” Matty said coming over and taking Mary from me, “Hi baby!” He cooed to her excited causing her to babble at him.

  
“Why is Shay still sleeping? I thought they were supposed to do everything together?” Mike asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I said looking down at Seamus’ sleeping form in the play pen before I went over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of milk.

  
“But Matt and I do everything together and so do Laura and Andy,” Mike said.

  
“Nahuh,” Laura said wrinkling her nose which caused me to chuckle.

  
“You don’t think you and Andy do everything together Lar?” I asked her amused.

  
“NO I play babies and house and he not like baby,” Laura answered.

  
“Maybe it’s a boy girl twin thing?” Matty suggested.

  
“I still think they do everything together,” Mike said.

  
“DO not, nope, nope, nope,” Laura said shaking her head.

  
Just then Mac started whining as the microwave beeped and I checked the temperature handing the bottle to Matt, “Feed her. I have to give Mac his oatmeal, don’t I buddy?” I asked Mac picking him up out of the play pin.

  
“Yes,” he answered me.

  
It was the first time I had heard him say anything besides hi or no. Being only one. I was very surprised and excited, “Whatever you say my man,” I said kissing his forehead and making sure he was buckled in so he couldn’t go anywhere as I read the tiny package of toddler oatmeal and popped it in the microwave. Just then Mary started crying and I turned around to find Matty struggling to burp her.

  
“She’s loud,” He shouted over her crying making her scream louder.

  
“She’s uncomfortable. She has a gas bubble,” I said grabbing her from him and turning her into my shoulder smacking her lightly on the back, “There we go. That’s a good girl. I know it hurts. It’s so hard being little isn’t it baby girl? Say yeah Will it’s so hard you don’t know. You don’t know…and you know what? You’re right I don’t remember ever being as little as you are.”

  
“Why do you talk to them?” Matty asked me frowning as he went over to the table to bother Andrew again.

  
“Leave him alone if he wants down or wants your help he’ll tell you,” I said shaking my head, “Can you feed Mac? His food is on the counter.”

  
“Is it cool enough?” He asked walking over to the bowl of mush and frowning at it.

  
“Yes, now please feed him,” I said as Andy climbed out of his booster seat and carefully dropped himself to the floor.

  
“Why do you talk to them?” Mike parroted Matty’s question from before.

  
“Because it’s good for them. That’s how they learn to talk,” I informed him just as Mary gave me a big burp and stopped yelling into my ear, “That’s a good girl. I bet that feels better huh?”

  
“I play cars?” Andy asked me pulling on my pant leg.

  
“Ok just do it here where I can see you ok?” I said glancing over at Matty who frowned.

  
At the time, I couldn’t put my finger on it. Why he wanted to be so close to Andy all of the time because Andy was still little and he was six years older than that. While eight is old enough to understand what’s going on Matt was always a bit…off like I said before. He seemed either very rational and covert or very emotional and aggressive. There was never any in-between so whenever he was “Bruce” as he put it. It was hard to figure him out. Because I couldn’t see him. I could never figure out what was easier for me seeing him, the real him or seeing his mask he wore for everyone else but Mike.

  
Just then John appeared his hair sticking up on one side yawning heavily before his brow furrowed in confusion, “Why is everyone home?” He asked as I put Mary in her swing and turned it on him reaching down and checking the straps to make sure she was secure.

  
I rolled my eyes. Like I hadn’t been doing this for two years? Helping mum make sure everyone was taken care of. When the twins came along and then Mac not even 15 months later she had been overwhelmed her and John both. That was when they had started showing me how to change the diapers, how to fix the bottles and burp the backs and rock the kids. Like I hadn’t been doing this for a while now.

  
“Yesterday was the last day of school before break,” Matt answered unbuckling Mac and setting him down on the ground where he decided to drop to his knees and crawl even though he had been capable of walking for a week or two.

  
“Yeah, our school rocks,” Mike said, “We’re on baby duty because mum said she had to run an errand.”

  
“Yeah, we really need a nanny,” Matt sighed as he grabbed a binkie that was a few feet in front of Mac that he was reaching for and handed it to him.

  
“He’s a little old for a binkie Matt,” John said taking it from Mac before he could put it in his mouth and handing him a teddy bear instead.

  
“I agree but, it’s not rocket science you just keep them from crying. If they are wet, you change them if they are hungry you make sure they get fed. It’s not super hard,” I said

  
“What about the ones that wiggle?” Matt asked.

  
“You put them in the play pen and give them some toys,” John said picking Mac up and putting him in the play pen as Laura and Andy put their arms up asking to go into the play pen as well which he did so and then they started talking to each other in their weird baby language they still used sometimes.

  
“You know sometimes I wonder what they are saying,” Matt said cocking his head as if trying to decipher what they were saying to each other.

  
“You guys used to do the same thing,” John pointed out.

  
“We did?” Matt and Mike both asked at the same time making me smile lightly.

  
“Yeah,” John replied, “Used to drive Will and I nuts because we wanted to know what you were saying and we couldn’t understand. I think it’s just twin talk. I have to find some clothes. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  
With that he doubled checked to make sure everyone was fine and walked away down the hallway back to his room. Shutting the door behind him. When he came back out he was wearing very baggy clothes. A hoody and t-shirt that was like three times too big as well as a pair of jeans that were only staying up due to the glory of god and a belt.

  
It wasn’t long before mum came home and Catty and James told us all about how they played at the park with friends from school while mom talked with some guy and then they had stopped at the store to pick up something. Mum summoned us all to John’s room all of us older boys and James and shut the door a plastic bag in her hand.

  
“Ok now I’ve told John and Will that I’m working on getting us out of here but I need your help. All of you. These,” She said pulling a yellow spiral notebook out of the plastic bag.

  
“Are journals?” John asked.

  
“Yes,” Mum said smiling lightly at him, “These are journals and whenever Da or anyone else touches you like that I want you to write down what happened the date the time, how it made you feel what they did as detailed as you can make yourself get. where they touched you, what they touched you with, how you felt, if your body reacted a certain way I know it may seem stupid but…it will help us. That way when it comes time to leave we have a record of what’s been happening.”  
“And how is this going to help us leave?” I asked confused by the idea.

  
“It’s documentation so we can go somewhere Da and Uncle Ben don’t have ties in the police department and we’ll be safe and then we can turn the journals in and it will help make it so Ben and Da go away for hopefully a very long time. If you have any bruises you need to write about that too and I’ll take pictures with the Polaroid and we’ll make sure it’s in your journal so that it’s there when we turn it in to the police one day,” Mum answered.

  
“Mum, I’m not sure about this,” Matt said, “I mean what if they find the journals mum?”

  
“They won’t, the journals stay up here and everyone gets one once they know how to read and write, even though you can draw pictures to if that is easier than writing about it,” she said. “Ok that’s pretty much it for right now, the rest is up to me because I’m the mum. I love you guys and I am so sorry I allowed you to all get stuck in this,” she said and then gave everyone a kiss on the cheek, “Ok go play.”

  
I turned to look back at her just as she told John to wait and John just nodded at me as she shut the door behind me and I went out to the living room. I had no idea what she would talk to him about that I wasn’t included in but for some reason the thought of her telling him something she wasn’t telling me made me nervous. Did she know about the party? I knew it was coming up the neon light in my head getting brighter and brighter as the date drew near. Tomorrow. The 15th was the first date the 19th being the second date.

  
I had no idea which was which but because of the guys and reading Da’s emails I knew that they were ceremonies or parties. And that at least one of us was going to them. But I had no idea who. Not knowing who was almost as bad as knowing it was coming. The idea that I didn’t know who hitting me like that fast ball finally smashing into my face almost knocking me over.

  
“fuck,” I muttered, “Fuck.”

  
Now I didn’t swear that often. I was 10. But I did swear and I knew what swearing was which is why I didn’t usually do it but, that was definitely a “Fuck” feeling so I said it to myself thinking I was alone.

  
“Fuck?” I heard Matty mumble in question when I looked up from where I was sitting on the floor near the living room.

  
“Don’t say that,” I said quietly.

  
“Bad word, I know I don’t need a lecture,” He said his eyes cold, his mask off, “Why is it needed though?”

  
“It doesn’t matter ok?” I told him.

  
“You don’t swear,” He said sitting down next to me sending a shiver down my spine. He smiled lightly watching me, “I make you nervous?”

  
“No,” I lied, “It’s…you were right it’s easier when you’re Bruce.”

  
“Told you,” Matty said shrugging his shoulders, “Is it something I should be worried about?”

  
“I don’t know yet,” I told him.

  
“Look,” Matty said his mask still off, “I know you don’t like me much. I know you don’t care about me and you think I’m weird and I’m ok with that but if I need to protect Mike from something. You need to tell me.”

  
I looked at him. So, that was his thing. Mike. He would do anything for Mike. And here I thought he didn’t really care about anything.

  
“I love you,” I told him.

  
“Love is different from like. I love Mary and Seamus but I don’t like them very much because they cry all the time. They annoy me but, do I ever want to see anything bad happen to them? No because I love them. You can love me just fine and not want to see bad things happen to me that doesn’t mean you like the way I am,” Mike pointed out.

  
I mulled it over for a minute. He was right. Like was different from love. Because yeah, he made me nervous. I didn’t understand how he had ended up the way he was or if he was just born that way but, I still didn’t want to see him hurt. And I knew he would do what he could to protect Mike if I told him that he needed to be careful because it didn’t bother him the way it bothered everyone else.

  
“Ok. Da has friends. That are like him and there’s this thing that he’s planning to go to and he’s planning to take at least one of us. I don’t know who though,” I told him honestly.

  
“So, keep everyone safe. You know why I like him like that?” Matt said grabbing my attention.

  
Was he talking about what I thought he was? What I had walked in on not too long ago him on top of Mike them both naked with Ben watching them? Was he really telling me this?

  
“No,” I said not sure I wanted to hear it.

  
“If I do it they don’t,” He said shrugging his shoulders, “I know one day he’ll hate me for it but, I don’t have a choice and it feels good.”

  
“I don’t understand how that feels good,” I said quietly standing up feeling sick to my stomach.

  
“That’s because you’ve never been on top,” Matt said.

  
“Don’t. I don’t want to hear it. You keep that to yourself,” I hissed at him standing up.

  
“William,” I heard mum ask in that tone, “What on earth is going on out here. Don’t talk to your brother like that.”

  
“Yeah,” I said, “Sorry mum. Sorry Matt.”

  
“I forgive you. I didn’t mean to make you sad,” Matt said in his best mask voice he could, “mum when are we eating dinner?”

  
“Not until around 5 so in about three hours. I’m going to go make a snack though would you care to help me Matt?” She asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he said reaching up and taking her hand, “Andy said he wanted fruit.”

  
“We’ll make sure fruit is included then, won’t we?” She said smiling at him.

  
I sighed and stood up going into the living room and playing with Laura and Andy until the snack was ready. I felt angry that he had done that to me. Made me look like the bad guy when he was the one being mean. When he was the one that had been telling me he did things with Mike like Da and Ben and did with me and that he liked it. That it felt good. I didn’t see how that could feel good. Like I could guess that it would but I remember being confused as to how hurting someone else could feel good.  
Because while maybe Da and Ben and all of those guys didn’t see it as hurting us or maybe they did. I’m still not completely sure about it, it didn’t feel good. It hurt. It hurts in a way that is deep it’s a wound that never heals. That just rots and festers a wound that takes over every thought and movement, that takes over everything.

  
The rest of the afternoon went by fairly easier other than the pit of dread growing in my stomach until mum told us we were eating downstairs with Da. That made me nervous. Da never ate with us. He always took Dinner in his office on the third floor working through both Lunch and Dinner usually leaving it to just be us. Even when mum wasn’t around that’s the way it was. So, that night I figured was special and probably not in a good way.

  
Mum trusted Mike and Matt to carry Mary and Seamus downstairs while I got Mac and Mum and John carried Lar and Andy. When everyone was seated mum went into the kitchen and started cooking while all of us kids watched TV. When dinner was ready Da came downstairs and Ben crawled out of whatever hole he had been hiding in and Mike said grace as we all sat down.

  
I was in the middle of a bite of potatoes when Da finally told us why we were eating downstairs. What was going on. The blow finally really landing. The thing that had me holding my breath actually revealing itself.

  
“So, tomorrow is the last day John is 12,” he said to the table as I put my fork down my Potatoes in my mouth suddenly turning to lead. Suddenly feeling too thick to swallow.

  
My mum looked up from her food smiling nervously at him and grabbing his hand lacing her fingers in-between his as if to placate him. As if to stop him from saying what he was going to say next because she was afraid for John, “I know isn’t it exciting? He said he doesn’t want a party just a little get together with his brothers and sisters for his birthday, he’s such a sweet boy.”

  
“Well, I have something planned just him and I, we’ll leave tonight and we’ll be back on his birthday,” he said.

  
My mum frowned deeply at that and I heard a clang as John dropped his fork next to me causing me to look over his whole body gone ridgid. He was scared. He had plenty of reason to be sure, but just seeing it. Seeing him freeze like that reminded me of the night Da had taken us downstairs. How scared he had been how not John he had been.

  
John when he was in front of people he tried very hard not to show when he was upset just like I probably did. He tried to go numb and not scared. Ridgid instead of frightened and after a while it got easy to read. It got easy to tell when he was trying to be brave trying to make sure no one noticed he was cracking. I always noticed though. It was hard not to when my stomach felt the same drop just looking at his face.

  
“I know you don’t get along with Ben so I will be taking Ben away to spend some time with friends. I swear to you he won’t be going with us,” Da said giving mum this look like he was trying to appear honest but was really lying.

  
“Are you sure now is the right time love? I mean it’s right before his birthday shouldn’t you wait until after?” Mum asked him to which he shot her a death stare.

  
“No. It’s tonight we’re going tonight just the two of us and that’s that. I want to do this with him so we’re going and we’re going to leave right after dinner is that understood? I don’t want any fighting about this. This is not up for discussion,” Da said with an air of finality his tone telling everyone they would be stupid to question his authority, “John, eat.”

  
I looked at John. He was still frozen solid staring at his plate like it was the most interesting piece of art he had ever laid eyes on the panic in his head very visible to me. So, it was John. He was taking John. I knew what he was taking him for but, I couldn’t tell him because one we were in a room full of people at the dinner table and mum had no idea what was going on and two John was already scared enough because he may not have had an idea of what was going to happen but he knew it was bad. Bad enough he should be afraid.

  
“John eat,” Da said again noticing that John still hadn’t moved. The command actually working John taking a bite of meat and stuffing it into his mouth in a way that almost looked robotic. Like he wasn’t thinking but, just doing.

  
The rest of the meal was silent. Not one speaking or really saying anything at all. The air so thick with tension you could choke on it. Da ate his first plate thanking mum for making such a great dinner and then made us wait for him to finish a second. When he was done, they sent us upstairs without John.

  
I put on a movie for everyone to watch as mum was called down to say goodbye to John. I waited pacing in the back of the living room not able to stop my mind from racing. Did he even know what was going to happen? Should I have told him before they took him? Was he going to be ok? How dangerous was this anyway?

  
The wheels in my head wouldn’t stop spinning my thoughts moving as if a hamster was making them spin propelling me forward as I waited for mum to come back upstairs when Mary started fussing I picked her up from the play pin near my feet and started rocking her lightly.

  
“It’s ok baby. We’re ok,” I mumbled into the top of her head rocking her gently up and down as I paced the room.

  
When mum came upstairs her eyes were puffy and red like she had been crying and she looked at me and she knew I knew something. She nodded her head at me silently as she picked up Shay and sighed, “Will can you help me put them down?”

  
“Yeah mum,” I sand nodding my head.

  
She didn’t speak again until we were in the bedroom changing diapers her at the changing table and me on the floor, “Can you tell me what’s going to happen?”

  
“A party. It’s one John won’t like mum,” I said quietly.

 

“Ok,” She said nodding her head, “You know this isn’t your fault, right?”

  
“I…sometimes I feel like it is,” I said shaking my head a little bit.

  
“The only one at fault is Da,” She said, “I know you might not believe that but it’s true. No one is at fault here but him.”

  
“What if he really hurts him mum?” I asked her quietly.

  
“I’m sure they will but I’m sure he’ll be ok physically. Eventually,” she said, “The part that scares me the most for you boys is what will happen to you mentally. Your great Aunt Fiona had a daughter once her name was Sharon. My cousin. Around the time I met your Da something very bad happened to her and she never recovered. By the time John was two she had taken her own life. She couldn’t deal with the pain anymore. The of what had happened. I worry…” she faltered almost crying, “I worry that’s going to happen to John. I see so much of Sharon in him so often. How much she struggled with everything. How hard she tried to hold on. Every time I look at your brother I see more of the struggle and less of him.”

  
“I know,” I said quietly, “He’s not alone mum. He’s just not as good at hiding it.”

  
“I know,” she said looking at me, “I see it in you too. He’s going to shatter and I’m afraid you’re going to unravel. I’m not sure which is worse.”

  
I nodded my head. I thought I understood what she meant. Sort of like the difference between pulling on a loose thread in your favorite sweater and watching your favorite snow globe crash to the ground. Both were going to be damaged or perhaps broken beyond repair but one was a slower more concentrated act. One took more time where the other was just one swift violent act. One was an explosion where one was a bit escaping piece by piece until it could no longer be repaired or stopped.

  
“That’s why I have to get us out of here. I can’t watch this happen to you two and then watch it happening to everyone else. I can’t. None of us will survive the wreck if I can’t get us out. I got us into this mess and I will find a way to get us out,” She promised me.

  
“You know it’s already too late in some ways, right?” I asked her quietly.

  
She was silent for a minute before she spoke, “I know that neither of you will ever be the same boys that you were before. But, with the right help I think you can survive this. That we as a family can survive this and maybe we won’t ever be what we were before your Da decided to do this but I think we can still be ok in the end.”

  
“What about Matty?” I asked her.

  
“What about him? Are they hurting him too?” She asked me.

  
“Mum, they’re hurting all of us,” I said flat out, “But there’s something wrong with him. He’s told me it doesn’t bother him. He’s asked…” I felt my cheeks burning red with shame, “He asked Ben if he could watch while …”

  
Mum’s eyes went wide with subdued horror, “Oh…” She said quietly, “I haven’t seen that in him.”

  
“He’s very good at hiding it. Mikey helps him hide it. He needs help mum. He needs a lot of help and I don’t think there’s anything we can do to help him,” I said quietly.

  
“Not here. Not stuck in this mess,” she said, “Why don’t you get everyone else down love? It’s nearly bedtime anyway.”

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head.

  
No one gave me hard time when I said it was bedtime. After everyone else was in bed I myself climbed into bed expecting to be laying alone like I usually did until there was a light knock on the door as I was turning my sheets down to climb in, “come in,” I said.

  
“Hi love. I thought about something. You don’t cuddle with me anymore. Never,” she said, “So I was wondering if you would give me cuddle? Just a little bit.”

  
“Yeah,” I said scooting over to make room in my small twin bed.

  
She turned out my lamp as she climbed in running her fingers through my hair gently. For some reason, it felt like breathing. Like I hadn’t allowed myself to breathe in a very long time. Her wrapping her arms around me, letting me know I was ok. That I was safe. And I cried myself to sleep that night with mum softly humming lullaby’s in my ear.

  
John didn’t return home until two days later drunk. This is where things start to get different because we remember the order of events of those couple of days differently and on the occasion that we do talk we usually end up fighting about it until we agree to disagree. I remember him coming home horribly drunk and mum and I taking him upstairs.

  
He wasn’t doing well. I remember him acting like he was really tired and he didn’t look good at all. He looked like he was going to pass out his skin pale and his neck covered in bruises as he stumbled struggling to stay on his feet me grabbing him as we left the lift because he had almost fallen over, both mum and I helping him to his room. I remember mum begging him to tell her what had happened and him not saying a word.

  
I’m not sure if it’s because he wasn’t able to or because he was tongue tied with all the alcohol running through his system but she was nearly crying before he spoke simply saying that he couldn’t. She asked him if he would write it down and he said maybe. I had never seen him that drunk before. So, drunk he couldn’t stand so drunk that when mum finally got him to speak he cried like an infant clinging to mum as she rocked him crying into his hair trying to calm him down.

  
I wasn’t sure what to do only that I should probably leave. That he probably didn’t want me to see him like that. Broken and beaten on his bedroom floor. When she got him calm enough she sighed kissing the top of his head, “I’ll go start the bath water.”

  
“I’m sorry. You know that, right?” I said quietly, “I’m so sorry.”

  
When mum came back in the room she sighed, “Sweetie before you get in the bath I need to take some pictures.”

  
“NO! Mum please no!” He begged barely getting the words out before a gut wrenching sob tore from him the sound seeming like it hurt, his whole body shaking.

  
“John I have to; it will help us later. It will help get us out of this,” she said picking up a polaroid camera and snapping a picture of him with his head turned to the left exposing the bite and scratch marks on the right side of his face and neck.

  
It wasn’t until then that I realized how badly they had hurt him. Seeing his neck so bruised it looked like the skin was mostly black in some places, tiny scratches or open cuts running through the angry darkness. I didn’t know what to say or do. They did that to him? Da let someone do that to him?

  
If Da let someone do that to him and Da loved him more than he loved anyone else what was he going to let them do to me when it was my turn? What would he do to everyone else? Was this the cost of being his? Of belonging to him? Would I have to watch Da destroy everyone I loved and cared about as he tore at me, at all of us until there was nothing left?

  
“Will come here and help me,” Mum said to me snapping me out of my thoughts as she put her arms under John’s armpits trying to her best to heft his weight up so he was sitting trying to tenderly pull his shirt over his head causing him to whine in pain as I hissed with sympathy.

  
“Mum please,” he hiccupped wrapping his arms around his exposed torso the hand shaped bruises and finger print marks stark against his skin every few inches from his wrists up to his shoulders and across his collar bones. Angry purple welts dotting down the center of his chest.

  
“Oh, John honey,” Mum said struggling to keep her voice steady. Struggling to stay calm, “I know it’s hard honey, I do but these photos and what you write in your journal are going to help us get out of here. They will help put your Da and Uncle away somewhere they can’t hurt us anymore so it’s important. I know you don’t want to this and that it makes everything feel that much worse but, it will make life so much better if we document things. It will help all of us in the long run I swear. So please, I’m begging you let me take pictures.”

  
He closed his eyes like he was trying to calm himself down. To stop himself from crying and blubbering his nose running and his face flushed as he tried to pull himself together. He looked like he was thinking as he tried to slow his breathing down opening his eyes and looking at her, “Ok, can Will leave though?” He asked her quietly.

  
“Yeah, I’ll go,” I said opening the door.

  
I wanted to respect him. I knew he didn’t like me seeing him like that, weak. He was my older brother and he always tried so hard to show me he was nothing but strong and here he was beaten beyond any point I had ever seen him before that shattering mum had talked about just the night before seeming like it was already happening. Like he wasn’t going to return from whatever they had done to him.

  
I closed the door softly behind me. I didn’t want to do anything to upset him and I knew when I was like that, on edge any loud sound set me off. Hell, any small sound set me off like waiting for the door to open, waiting to hear one of them come into my room. Like waiting for a bomb to explode the buildup of anxiety made everything that much worse.


	25. Twentyfive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well gets to experience a branding ceremony for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 358 to 383 I know it's a longer chapter but everything basically takes place at the Villa. **Around Chapter 8 in John's POV pt1. Warnings:** Rape/Non-con, Gang rape, underage (obviously), branding, physical injury, forced oral sex, forced anal sex, forced anal fingering, forced rimming, bondage, edema  
>  BTW Gage says roughly translated "I didn't agree to that." you have to remember he's a one he's been a one for a while he's used to certain things and that is something he doesn't like nor take kindly to so yeah he says something about it. only reason nothing "bad" (bad is very subjective in this instance) happens is because he's getting branded so...

When I left, I heard a voice with a deep timber coming from the living room and ran out there in a panic pushing my worry for my oldest brother away because he wasn’t in immediate danger from anyone but himself while my little brothers and sisters were in very real danger from either Da or Ben in the living room alone with them. When I walked out into the living room I saw Da sitting with Cat in his lap while Andy Lar each sat beside him as he read a book.

  
“…and then he’ll want to look in a mirror to make sure he doesn’t have a milk mustache…” Da read as Catty moved to help him turn the page.

  
“Da what are you doing?” I asked him quietly.

  
“Taking care of you brothers and sisters while your mum takes care of John because he needs some extra care,” Da answered looking at me as I glanced to the corner of the room were Mikey had an arm wrapped protectively around Jay and Matt was doing the same to him, “Why?”

  
“Are you sure that’s ok?” I asked.

  
“Of course, that’s ok he’s our Da silly,” Catty chirped from his lap while Lar snuggled into his side making me feel sick to my stomach.

  
How did they not know? How did they not realize that he was dangerous? That he wanted to hurt them. I jumped about 10 feet in the air my heart nearly stopping as I felt a hand on my shoulder not having time to spin around before he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and whispered in my ear, “Don’t question your Da baby.”

  
“Ben, why don’t you go take Will to that thing we talked about?” He said to Ben behind me.

  
“Sure thing,” Ben said to him before whispering in my ear again, “You scare them he’s going to be very angry with you and we’ve talked about how his anger is very different from mine. You saw Johnny. Imagine what you’re going to look like after he sees you when you come home if you make him angry.

  
I sighed and nodded my head trying to keep a straight face. Trying to not show how scared I was. He walked me to lift his hands on my shoulders nudging me forward lightly. The lift door closing feeling like it was someone putting a nail in my coffin, sealing me away from everything that mattered.

  
“How bad is this going to hurt?” I managed to mutter quietly.

  
“As much or as little as you want it to,” Ben said, “If you’re good and you relax it might not hurt at all. How much did he tell you?”

  
“He didn’t tell me anything,” I answered.

  
“Well good it’ll still be a surprise then,” He said as the lift opened, “Maybe they’ll let us nap before the ceremony? Do you think I should hope for it? Some alone time with you? I mean you’re Da kept me away for a while because you need to be fresh so to speak but maybe if I talk to the leader he’ll consider it.”

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“Give you back some of that elasticity that wears away after so much use, make you so tight they practically come the moment they’re inside. Makes it that much more fun,” he said and I felt my stomach lurch.

  
I managed to stumble out of the lift before I threw up on the ground in front of it. He was going to let someone hurt me, hurt me. The first time Da had ever…I remember the pain being like nothing I had ever felt before. Hell, even when Ben had done it that first time it had still kind of hurt even though it wasn’t nearly as bad but each person felt a little different because each one was shaped a little different. The whole idea overwhelmed me.

  
“You’re not supposed to be sick until after we’re done,” he laughed lightly as he stepped past me grabbing me by the elbow and dragging me to the kitchen, “I guess you’re going to be going to the prep room. Come on.”

  
He pulled my arms behind me hard and then duck tapped my wrists together before he threw a bag over my head and then he picked me up the world around me feeling like it was spinning out of control before he gently set me back on my feet, “You keep your head down ok? It’s light outside I don’t need anyone seeing you and you can’t see where we’re going so keep your head down if you know what’s good for you.”

  
With that he slammed the car door and a moment later the driver’s door opened in front of me as I laid down across the back seat. I don’t know how long we drove but I stayed down and stayed silent. Waiting for the car to stop. I lost track of how many turns and twists we took me flopping around like a fish out of water with every turn we took. Eventually the car came to a stop and he helped me out of the car picking me up and I heard a familiar voice that made my stomach drop.

  
“This is the other one?” he said.

  
“Yeah, it’s him, I’m surprised you’re waiting outside for us,” Ben told him.

  
“I enjoyed his company last time. At least enough to give him another spin around the block. I mean he’s a little older than I usually enjoy but he was a sweet heart. Weren’t you little one?” He asked me taking off the hood covering my head so I was looking him in my uncle’s arms causing my mouth to go dry. He smiled at me.

  
“He’s usually a good boy. Not like his brother,” Ben said shifting my weight in his arms slowly.

  
“No, the other one is a good boy too much less my taste. This one though, you’re a sweet little thing aren’t you little one? Very careful with those words. I almost thought he was gagged he’s so quiet,” The leader said his moss green eyes seeming cold as they looked at me.

  
I was doing that thing again. Where I just froze. Where I wasn’t sure what to say, or do so I didn’t do anything. I knew they were both watching me, looking at me and so I just froze. I closed my eyes and turned my face away from him burying it in to Ben’s t-shirt trying to hide the fact that my face was flushing. That I felt embarrassed and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.

  
“He’s a shy one, isn’t he?” He asked Ben.

  
“He can be. I think he just gets overwhelmed with too much attention. We’re going to need the prep room because he threw up on himself a little bit just make sure his breath and fresh and what not for tonight,” Ben said.

  
They were talking about me like I couldn’t understand them. Like I didn’t know what they were talking about. Like I was thing or I was stupid as they finally started walking towards the building, house that looked almost like a castle that I had barely bothered to glance at before turning my head into his shoulder to so I didn’t have to look at the leader. Because at least him I was used to. Ben I had been with more than once and he didn’t taunt me about it. Not as badly as the leader had. Ben didn’t make me feel like it was my fault. Not completely. Not the way he had.

  
“What about Christmas have you thought more about that?’ Ben asked him.

  
“Oh, I’m very interested you and Connor both said Connor is the only one and it was only once?” He asked.

  
“Yes, he’s sweet like this one. Very quiet and shy with new people,” Ben said, “His hair is a bit wavier but otherwise same build look very similar.”

  
“Well you know I like my blonds,” He said, “And how old is he again?”

  
“He turned six around the end of October,” Ben answered.

  
James? They were talking about James? He wanted to…with…with James? My brain was screaming at me to say something, to push Ben away to fight, to tell them no but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move as he finally set me down on my feet my legs feeling like jelly.  
“A wonderful age,” The leader said, “here’s the perp room. Just hand him over Brian will take care of him and he’ll make sure he keeps his hands out of places they shouldn’t be right Brain?”

  
“Yes, sir of course,” I heard a young voice say around Ben’s age as I finally turned my head and dared to look at where I was.

  
I was in what looked like a bathroom at a public pool. A huge shower room with some tubs scattered along the sides of the room. On the side near the door there were chairs and stretchers and the young guy stood next to one looking at me. His eyes didn’t seem cold like theirs but I knew if he was here doing what they said he couldn’t be a good person.

  
“Did you hear that baby? Brain’s going to clean you up really nice for the party,” he said quietly, “Who is in charge of his holding block?”

  
“The trackers,” The leader said, “I’ve already told them we’re going to have an untouchable I’ll walk him down there myself when he’s done in here. Make sure they know he’s fresh and not to be messed with under any circumstances.”

  
“Good,” Ben said nodding his head, “I don’t want them to ruin the fun.”

  
“Oh, don’t worry they know what happens if they try,” he said, “These are all younger ones today. Ages from 11 down to 8. If you brother would have agreed, we could do the other two right now as well but he was reluctant.”

  
“Well they need a nanny and they don’t have one right now so the extra hands are useful especially while the oldest is out of commission and mum is dealing with him so…,” Ben said as Brain moved behind me where I couldn’t see and I felt hands on my wrists still duck tapped together near the small of my back.

  
I must have whimpered or made so sort of noise because they both looked at me.

  
“It’s ok little one, he’s just undoing your hands that’s all. Nothing right now ok?” The leader said smiling at me softly like he was trying to reassure me, “He really is sweet. Maybe I’ll take some time with him before?”

  
“I was actually going to ask you if I could but, you’re the boss,” Ben said.

  
“I think I will after he’s cleaned up,” The leader said touching my cheek as I felt the tape around my wrists loosen and the guy pulled it off my skin gently, “God he’s beautiful.”

  
“Yeah, he is,” Ben said as they turned and walked away.

  
“Come on, you’re fine,” Brian said gesturing to the chair beside him, “I’m just going to give you a trim and make sure your nails are clean and put in in the tub. Much easier job then with the older kids.”

  
I sat numbly, quietly. I knew this was going to hurt not the hair cut obviously but what was coming after. What they were going to do to me after the image of what John looked like flashing in my head as I sat there numbly and felt the water from the spray bottle start hitting my hair.

  
“Hey kid, what’s your name?” Brain asked me.

  
“Will,” I thought I said but apparently hadn’t said it loud enough because he asked again.

  
“What’s your name? Come on don’t be like that I’m just trying to make small talk.”

  
“Will,” I repeated louder.

  
“Well, I’m Brain obviously. How has your day been so far?” He asked me.

  
“I’m here…so what do you think?” I murmured.

  
“Ok,” he nodded his head, “Ok. You can be like that. I can understand why you don’t talk around them though if that’s the case.”

  
“What does that mean?” I asked.

  
“Attitude is not a good thing to have once you walk through that door. Very dangerous will get you taken to the back room,” Brain said.

  
“Back room?” I asked.

  
“Hurt core room sort of like BDSM they’ll tie you up and whip you bloody,” he said, “Even though today is not your day anyway so I guess that doesn’t matter because this will hurt almost as bad as the back room.”

  
“I already know what they’re going to do,” I said quietly, “You don’t have to tease me about it.”

  
“Ah so you have friends then? They warn you?” He asked sounding like he was laughing a little bit, “Don’t tell them that. You’ll get your friends in real trouble if you do. Don’t worry I won’t tell. So, you have siblings?” He asked me.

  
“A couple,” I answered.

  
“You the oldest?” He asked.

  
“No,” I answered simply.

  
“Are you scared?” He asked me. I went to nod my head and he put his hand on the top of my head to keep it still, “Use your words I’m giving you haircut.”

  
“Yeah,” I answered quietly.

  
“It’s ok to be scared. They’ll take care of you though. Just try and stay calm, relaxed and when it’s all over the doctor will give you a nice shot to make it feel better. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Is this your first rodeo?”

  
“What does that mean?” I asked not sure what he meant exactly.

  
“Your first orgy,” he clarified.

  
I stopped and thought about it the word not hitting my brain like it would an adult. I was ten I was a kid and I was nervous and upset and scared and with someone I didn’t know. Talking about things I knew I shouldn’t talk about at my age so the word just didn’t process the way it should have. He must have seen the clueless look on my face because he sighed smiling again.

  
“Group sex,” He said, “Man you’re really young, aren’t you? It’s always weird working with you guys.”

  
It hit me then what he meant, “I…” I felt my hands trembling, “I…I’v…I’ve…”

  
“Oh, geeze come on kid!” he hissed at me. “Don’t do this right now. Breathe. Just breathe you’ll be fine. You need some water?”

  
I waited until he put the scissors down and nodded my head closing my eyes gripping the arms of the chair. Group… Group sex. That meant more than one. More than one of them…Like what Da and Ben had made me do that one time. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that. They were going to make me do that?

  
“You need to just relax ok? It’s not a big deal I promise. You relax and you’ll be fine,” He repeated handing me a bottle of water which I took a drink from, “Hair is done let’s get you on the table.”

  
He didn’t give me time to react before he was trying to force my shirt over my head and looked at me expectantly, “I’m not supposed to touch that other than to put the nozzle in. This part is on you.”

  
“But I…” He cut off my words.

  
“Hey you get naked or I call them in here and trust me you don’t want that. Any trouble you cause them right now you’re going to pay for on the tables. They have their ways so if I were you I’d strip.”

  
I sighed and stripped using my hands to cover myself. So how long was I going to be naked for? In front of people like Da, like Ben and Barry and the Leader?

  
He grabbed me gently by the elbow and lead me over to a table that was made of soft form and that’s when I noticed in one part of the table there was hole that was placed somewhere near the center with it positioned slightly away from the wall so the hole opened over a toilet underneath. I had no idea what was going to happen so honestly it was a surprise. He got me up on the table and pulled out a big rubber water bottle with a bit of plastic hose.

  
“Now this is probably going to feel slightly uncomfortable but pull your knees into your chest and lay on your side ok?”

  
I sighed doing as I was told and took a big deep breath when I heard him snap the latex gloves on. I had been to a doctor before so I figured it was probably a medical thing however I was not ready to feel the lubed nozzle get shoved up my ass. It was cold and blunt and hard plastic.

  
“WHA!!” I said gripping my knees tighter.

  
“I know, it’s going to feel a little weird. The solution is room temperature so it won’t be too horrible but will still feel a little cool when I take the nozzle out just try and hold it for a minute or two and then lay on your back everything will flow towards the hole so don’t worry about mess. And then we’ll get you showered and cleaned up ok?” he said.

  
That’s when I felt it. The coldness started to fill my insides a weird sting hitting the inner part of my colon almost burning as I started to fill up with water. It really didn’t feel good at all and I struggled to stay still Brain keeping his hand on my hip to keep me still and steady, to keep me from moving.

  
“Ok well since you’re not going anywhere for a few minutes how old are you?” he asked me.

  
“10,” I answered quietly.

  
“You’re tall for 10. I thought you were a little older maybe 11 or 12. Some of the kids are 12 they say the age bracket is up to 11 but it’s almost like school pretty much the way they break the parties is by groups this group is like from 2nd to 6th grade. It doesn’t matter. Do you know how tall you are?”

  
“I think I’m 5’1 I’m almost as tall as mum,” I answered quietly.

  
“I bet you are? Do you look like mum?” He asked me, “That pretty blond hair?”

  
I shook my head. Mum had red hair like John. I mean he obviously didn’t know that but that was my first thought was he and mum looked similar where as I looked more like Da. Even Ben said I looked almost exactly like him when he was my age.  
“You look more like your Dad?” He asked me and I nodded my head, “Not much of a talker.”

  
“I just don’t have a lot to say. I don’t want to be here,” I told him before I started feeling this pinching pressure in my stomach and he pressed on my lower abdomen light.

  
“I’d say that’s enough. Now just try to hold in for a minute or two and the lay on your back, you’re already over the hole pretty much so just let go and I’ll be back in a minute,” he said pulling the nozzle out slowly.

  
The urge to evacuate was sudden and overwhelming like he had forced me to have diarrhea. I couldn’t hold it and I was made to lay there as my own waste dripped down my legs and into the toilet under me for about 15 minutes. The smell was horrible and gross but the sensation of laying in my own waste was worse. When he came back and it seemed like my stomach was done emptying itself he took out a little hose and hosed me off and then took me over to the wall turning on one of the shower heads.  
“You have 15 minutes,” he said cranking on a timer, “By the time it goes off I’ll be back. Just wash your hair and body and stuff and make sure your clean.”

  
With that he walked away leaving me standing there under the water. I curled tightly in on myself arching my back feeling exposed in the stark white room knowing that my time was now ticking down to the very last minutes before my waiting ended. Before I no longer had to wait to be raped but, that it was actually going to happen.

  
I heard loud shouting in the hallway that I didn’t understand causing me to turn around. Shouting in another language and then louder shouting in English. They then appeared on the threshold a short fat hairy man who was balding in the center of his head, the rest of his body seeming to have stolen the hair there and put it other places, his arms being covered in thick dark hair as he waved his arms frantically shouting at the other guy who seemed to be a giant. His nose was long and hooked his skin very pale compared to his black hair making him look almost like a vampire as he cocked an eyebrow at me watching me watch them out in the hallway.

  
“Stop it with the Russian. Shit, you don’t see me going all Italiano on your ass, do you? No, so speak English. Most of the boys speak English don’t you boys?” The short fat one shouted.

  
I heard an inaudible mumble or two in response.

  
“See? There you go, ok now everyone I want you in the showers and…what?” The guy speaking asked as the giant pointed behind him to me causing the short guy to turn and look at him for a minute before he smiled lightly at me, “Hello there, and what’s your name?”

  
“Will,” I answered quietly backing away a couple of steps as my stomach jumped using my hands to cover myself again now that I was no longer alone.

  
“And your last name? Surely you have one of those you’re a little too clean to be a one,” he commented.

  
“McGregor,” I mumbled.

  
“One of Connors,” he said more to himself than to me nodding his head, “Who is supposed to be in here with you sweetheart?”

  
It took me a minute to remember Brian’s name my brain feeling a bit fried and tired from everything that had happened so far. From being thrown into a car blind folded and driven somewhere I wasn’t sure how to get to or back from surrounded by people who I knew were going to hurt me, having a nozzle shoved up my ass and being forced to shit all over myself while I laid on a table and then told to shower and clean myself up all with the threat of having to be with the leader looming over me. My brain was beyond stressed and anxious.

  
“Brain I think,” I answered feeling like I was about to cry.

  
“Well you aren’t supposed to be in here alone. Sasha, can you go talk to Lord. You three get in the shower now, and don’t crowd him,” he said as he moved aside the big tall guy nodding his head and pushing the last of three boys into the room before walking away.

  
They all looked tired and too thin for their frames. Their faces covered in dirt like they hadn’t showered in at the very least days if not weeks. A couple of them wearing obvious bruises on their arms. The guy didn’t even have to tell them to strip they just started doing it, like it was something they were used to.

  
“Ok sweetheart you need to wash up because I’m sure your timer is running so if you could please keep going and wash yourself that would be great. You three introduce yourselves since for the next 24 or so hours you’re going to be roommates, I’ll be right back… and don’t any of you do anything fucking funny or you will be very sorry and I mean back room sorry,” he warned walking away swearing to himself.

  
“I’m Frank,” the shortest smallest guy said waving at me sadly as he pointed at the guy next to him a little bit taller with dark brown hair hanging low past his shoulders, “This is Gage.”

  
“I’m Drake,” The one standing at a different shower head said simply.

  
“Are you a one?” Drake asked.

  
“Drake…” Gage warned a slight accent to his voice as he turned into the water, his skin becoming lighter in color as he started rinsing the dirt from his body.

  
“What? I’m curious I want to know what rank he is. Why is that such a bad thing?”

  
“Well one it’s rude and two use your common sense he’s not covered in dirt and scars so he can’t be a one he’s probably a four. He has a real family,” Gage said.

  
“Like real parents? Like from before?” Frank asked.

  
“Da,” Gage said, “A lot of the guys in this sphere are threes and fours it’s America east coast people are rich here. Lucky.”

  
“Oh,” Frank said nodding his head his water almost running clear off his head now instead of dirty and muddied.

  
“You don’t have real parents?” I asked.

  
I knew what orphans were. I wasn’t stupid but I had never met any. These guys were like Cal. Like Quinn’s Brothers that I had never met. These guys were ones.

  
“No,” Drake answered as Gage tapped his shoulder putting some shampoo in the palm of his hand and then held up two fingers and Drake nodded his head biting his lip before he titled his head back and closed his eyes starting to rub the shampoo into his scalp causing studs to rise into his hair foaming on his fingers and engulfing his head, “I mean I did once I think. A mom. I remember well always being dirty at least this way I’m clean sometimes.”

  
“My mom was a whore,” Gage said shrugging his shoulders, “You should wash four or not they won’t be happy if you aren’t clean.”

  
“Tony said we were getting our tats is that true?” Frank asked the older two.

  
“Tat’s?” I asked.

  
“Tattoo it means we belong here. Brand means we belong to them tattoo means we belong to this group each sphere has its own color. And I think so. You don’t even have a brand, do you?” Gage asked me before he came over to me looking at my pelvis ignoring that fact that I was backing away from him and my face was flushing with embarrassment.

  
“Yeah, he’s totally a four,” Drake said nodding his head.

  
“Are they bad? I thought the only difference was they had families and we don’t,” Frank said.

  
“No, they aren’t bad. Just privileged,” Gage said, “Your papa is new to this? Yes?”

  
“Where are you from?” I asked.

  
“Mother country,” He answered shrugging his shoulders and walking back over to the other two.

  
I had no idea what that meant and the question must have been on my face because Drake answered, “He’s from Russia. They sell kids there.”

  
“You’re American they sell them here. Otherwise why are you here huh?”

  
“I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry,” Drake said.

  
“Your parents sold you?” I asked them.

  
“My mom did,” Frank said as matter of factly, “I don’t even remember why but I know she told me that this new lady was going to be my mom and then she gave me to this guy who gave me to this other guy and he wasn’t so nice. He gave me my shoulder mark.”

  
That was when Frank turned and showed me a long dark scar going from his shoulder and curving inwards towards the center of his back ending near the top of his tail bone. It looked like it had once been a deep wound of some kind that had probably needed stitches to close it. I wondered how he had gotten it who would do that to someone that little. He couldn’t have been very old at all probably being around the same age as James.

  
“Did that hurt?” I asked feeling like I wanted to cry just looking at it making sure I rubbed body wash into my skin and then rinsed.

  
“I don’t remember I got really sick though and so he gave me to this other guy who took me away and made me better and he gave me my brand and he gave me away to Sasha and now I’m here,” He told me nonchalantly.

  
“Do any of you remember your parents like other than a little bit?” I asked curious as I washed my hair quickly making sure to scrub my nails through it so it was foamy before stepping back under the water stream allowing it to wash the soap out of my hair.  
“I was his age when my mom gave me away,” Drake told me, “he’s seven. I thought she liked sugar. I thought she liked sugar so much that she would put her nose in it. I remember I tried to take some of it once and eat it because I was so hungry and she got so angry with me. I had to have been five or six I think. One day I came home and her new boyfriend had a friend over and after a night he gave them some money and they gave him me. I’ve been to California, Russia, Italy, Canada, Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky which is where I was born I think, Texas, New York, Here I’ve been down to Mexico too for a little while. We’re ones we don’t have families. Gage doesn’t remember.”

  
“Thank you,” Gage said shaking his head, “Don’t speak for me. I’m fine. He’s right though. Sasha got me as baby said my mother was whore why not believe him? I’ve been everywhere too that why I speak English.”

  
Just then the timer went off making us all jump out of our skin as I hurried soaping up one last time and rinsing off again. I knew I didn’t want to be clean for them but I knew that I wasn’t going to feel clean at all until I was out of this place. Until I was back home if I ever felt clean again. Shortly after the timer went off the fat dude and Brain came back in with two more guys around Brain’s age, “So now you understand, right? I won’t say nothing but don’t do it again.”

  
“Yes sure,” Brain said, “Oh here he comes are you ready Will?”

  
“Ready?” I asked.

  
Just then he popped through the door way, “There you are little one. Do you feel nice and clean?”

  
I felt like I was getting hit by a train. I went numb trying to make sure I kept breathing. Just focusing on breathing as he came over to me and put his hand on the small of my back coaxing me to walk forward.

  
“Are you still going to play shy my little one?” He asked me as he kept encouraging me forward up some steps and then down a hallway that made it seem too dark to be day light out still.

  
He opened a set of double doors that lead into a wood paneled sitting room the set up reminding me almost of my parent’s bedroom. How they had a sitting room and then through a single door to the right a bedroom with a bed only his was to the left. The bed was dark made of what looked like black wood and metal. There was something that looked like old time stocks at the end of the bed that they used to lock prisoners into back in colonial America for public humiliation.

  
“Go sit down,” he said pointing at the bed as he shut the door behind us.

  
I felt half frozen. Was he going to lock me in that thing? What was he planning to do?

  
I turned to look at him to ask him and noticed he was taking off his cufflinks. They were gold and on them was triangle wrapped around other triangles he set them on his dresser looking in the mirror as his gently draped his suit jacket over the chair that was in front of it.

  
I nervous shuffled forward looking at the bed, at the stocks. He wasn’t …was he?

  
“No need to be nervous little one those aren’t for you, those are for bad boys and you’re not a bad boy,” he tried to assure me, “Now go sit it’s ok.”

  
I sat down on the edge of the bed watching him wide eyed. Why was he moving so slow? What was he planning?

  
“Are you going to hurt me?” I asked quietly my voice coming out smaller and more uncertain than I meant for it to.

  
“Oh, no little one. I’m going to do my best not to hurt you I promise. You’ve been so good even though you’re so scared. I can tell you’re scared and it’s ok to be scared. But no, I’m not going to hurt you I promise,” he answered.

  
“Is it going to be like before?” I asked.

  
“Like the last time we were together?” He questioned looking at me biting his lower lip, “A little bit.”

  
“I didn’t …I don’t,” I tried to express myself finding it hard to speak.

  
“I know you’re a nervous one, it’s ok little one don’t worry about it you just have to be quiet. No words remember?” He asked as he started undoing his belt.

  
I kept using my hands to cover myself pulling my knees in towards each other as I sat on the bed nervously. I knew I couldn’t stop him. That there was nothing I could do really. That I wasn’t even allowed to say no but that didn’t mean I had to let him see me or that I had to make it easy.

  
I knew I was shaking with fear. I could tell it excited him. The fact that I was so scared I could barely speak, barely move but I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t pull it in and stop it no matter how hard I tried. I closed my eyes and didn’t open them again until I felt his breath on my face his hand inches from cheek.

  
“You have gorgeous eyes,” he told me, “Did they clean you up?”

  
I nodded my head as he caressed my cheek. Was I supposed to talk to him? He had told me no words so why did he keep talking?

  
“I’ll be right back, here,” he said leaning over me and moving the pillows around on the bed taking the one closest to us and turning it so it was laying on the bed vertically, “Why don’t lay on your tummy ok?”

  
I did as I was told turning my face to the side and burying my head in the pillow he had turned closing my eyes tightly not sure what he was going to do but knowing I didn’t want to see it. That I didn’t want it to happen. I felt the bed shift when he sat down on the other side of the bed and then I felt his hands running up and down my back causing me to stiffen more to close my eyes so tightly I started getting a headache as his hands run up and down my back to my legs and back up again.

  
“It’s ok little one just try and relax,” he cooed as he stopped for a minute before I heard something squirt somewhere his hand coming back against my skin cold and slimly.

  
I whimpered despite myself clutching the pillow tighter to my face and chest as it got harder to breathe, harder to think.

  
“Shhh, Will you need to relax because I don’t want to hurt ok? I’m going to do this so it hurts less later too so just try and breathe little one. I know your scared and that’s ok but you need to try and relax your body,” he murmured into my shoulder as I felt his hands starting to massage my ass cheeks his fingers starting to play with my butt spreading my cheeks and scampering along my crack making me flinch, making it that much harder to stay calm.

  
I didn’t like the way it felt. The way it was making my skin sticky with whatever he was using. I especially didn’t like it when he shoved a finger into me slowly making me whimper and almost cry out my whole-body trembling.

  
“It’s ok little one. You’re doing so good just relax,” he said as he started moving his finger in and out.

  
I was finally getting use the sensation of his finger moving inside of me when he changed his movement moving it in slow circles pressing deeper into me sending that electrical buzz through my system making me jump, “No, no,” I said shaking my head.  
Before I knew what had happened his hand was clamped hard down on the back of my neck his nails digging into the skin there, “Don’t misbehave now. This is a warning; that’s not a word we use here and I know you’re not allowed to use it at home. That word comes out of your mouth tonight at your marking you’re going to embarrass your father very much and he will be very unhappy. I know you know your father and what he’s like alone better than I. He will be very displeased and I know that’s something you don’t want. So, you watch those words. You understand?” He hissed.

  
I nodded my head quickly as he started moving his finger in circle again against that spot. I tried to keep quiet. I did but I ended up yelping. The shock was too much each bump felt like it was biting into my soul because it felt…so strong. So, intense and he wasn’t stopping. He wasn’t letting go me and he wasn’t stopping.

  
I felt like I couldn’t breathe but I knew I was breathing. I knew my body liked it no matter how much I hated it my mouth dry my lip trembling as I tried to cry silently me letting out another pained yelp as he added another finger.  
“I know little one, it’s ok. I just want you nice and open ok?” He said kissing the nape of my neck and making small noises, “You feel so good little one, so nice.”

  
I wanted to tell him to stop and all I could do was cry. I wasn’t allowed to use words he had even said so the feeling of his nails digging into the spots his lips were now kissing something I could still feel. That heat and pressure just kept building and building until I couldn’t make any sound anymore until all I could do was hug the pillow and pant.

  
“That it little one, that’s right be a good boy for me, be a good boy for daddy,” he murmured into the back of my neck my whole body contracting as I hit orgasm the bed underneath me being coated in that sticky wetness. As I stopped breathing for a second my entire being shuttering.

  
When I came, he got up and left me shivering there clinging to the pillow sniffling and twitching trying to keep my sobs silent. Trying to make sure he didn’t hear me. That he didn’t know I was crying and then I felt it. His hands back on my body pushing my legs back together as he started to climb on top of me. I bit hard into my bottom lip as he started rubbing in-between my legs moaning.

  
“God, I want to be inside you little one. You feel like satin in there even to my fingers. You’re so beautiful. I can’t wait for tonight. Maybe you’ll spend the night with me instead of the in the holding room? You smell so good. So, sweet like Lilies and Jasmine. Such a beautiful little thing. Oh yeah,” he said as he rubbed himself up against me.

  
Before long his talking turned into moans that got louder and louder until I felt something warm and wet hit my skin spreading over the base of my spine. First in a spurt or two and then in almost a gush. When he was done, he licked down my back, licking me clean. Licking himself off me and then pulled the covers up from the foot of the bed covering us both up.

  
“We’ll just nap here for a while. Just until the alarm goes off all right little one? Just you and me. Then I’ll take you back to the perp room,” he whispered as I kept crying trying so hard to stay silent to try and relax. My body already being beyond exhausted my mind already spent for the day.

  
I watched the clock. The number increasing slowly each minute feeling like it was an hour as he held me against him just like Ben always did at home. Me barely daring to breath for fear he would wake up and start doing it again. When the alarm blared, it startled me making me jump and then dig my face into the pillow.

  
“Well it looks like we have to get up little one ok? Come on,” he said standing and grabbing a black silk robe from a hook on his bedroom door as he made me stand my legs feeling slightly numb.

  
Somehow he managed to get me to walk back downstairs to the perp room where I took another shower and then Brain took me to this other room. It was big and well-lit almost like it had once been a dining hall or something with thin cots lined up against the walls and a small sitting area near the center of the room. There were lots of boys most of them huddled quietly on cots closing their eyes when the door opened hoping to avoid drawing attention.

  
“Ok go find yourself a cot,” Brain said.

  
“Trackers come here,” Brain shouted and a bunch of the older boys sitting on the couch in the middle of the room one of them on one of the cots with a younger boy. The boy, he had to be around the same age as Mike and Matt. A boy who curled into a ball shaking and shivering like I had been only ten minutes before.

  
“Now him here, he’s pretty isn’t he?” Brain asked them and some of them nodded their heads licking their lips, “He’s untouchable so you keep your hands off him. He’s fresh too this is his branding so unless you get permission from the leader himself you don’t even look at him once I’m out of this room you understand?”

  
“Yes sir,” they all mumbled.

  
“Good, go find a cot Will,” Ben said to me.

  
They weren’t allowed to touch me. No, even look at me. And that guy, he had been hurting that kid. Like the leader had hurt me. He wasn’t allowed to. Not while I was there. I wouldn’t let it happen. I grabbed the empty cot nearest the kid grabbing the thin wool blank there and wrapping myself in it so I wasn’t naked anymore.

  
“Hey,” I said quietly and then waited.

  
He didn’t speak. Didn’t even look at me just kept twitching and shivering as I heard him sniffling quietly.

  
“Hey you’ll be ok,” I said to him.

  
“That…he…,” I boy whimpered.

  
“I know, me too,” I said quietly feeling like I was about to start crying, “The leader he took me into a room and he did things.”

  
“Someone said they do it to everyone here,” he said to me finally uncovering his face. He had red hair. A lighter shade than my brothers and sisters almost bordering on blond but still red. I could see so much of John in his eyes. So much pain.

  
“Do you have a family?” I asked him quietly.

  
He shook his head, “He said he is my family now. That he’s going to…keep me for a little while. That I’m…I’m su…supposed to be s…sp…special.”

  
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, “What about them?”

  
“Spencer?” He asked referring to the guy who had been on the cot with him, “he said I was pretty almost like a girl. That he wanted to see if I…if I felt like one.”

  
“Are they allowed to do that?” I asked him.

  
“If you’re like me yeah,” he said quietly, “I’m Alex.”

  
“I’m Will,” I replied, “Have you ever done this before? A branding?”

  
“I’ve seen one. If you’re unlucky you get watch a couple first. It always looks like it hurts though. He said he’s going to do it to me. That I’m going to be his now,” Alex told me.

  
“Who is he?” I asked.

  
“My new Dad,” he said quietly.

  
“My Dad is going to do it to me too. He’s my real Da,” I told him.

  
His eyes went wide, “Your real dad? My real Dad cared about me he wouldn’t have…done the things my new Dad does.”

  
“Touch you down there you mean?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

  
“My real dad was nice. He used to take me Yankee stadium to watch the games. We went to go see a game last year and this guy…I lost track of my Dad in the crowd he was there one second and then the next I didn’t see him and this guy said he’d help me find him but, he didn’t.”

  
So, they kidnapped kids too? Not that buying them is any better but really kidnapping? Whoever these people were the brotherhood was into some very serious criminal activity. They needed money to buy and move children and then whatever else they did to them. Money to clean up the murders I knew or figured they probably committed to cover their tracks, money to pay the people that helped them cover their tracks. This whole thing was soaked in blood money more money than my Da would ever own, had to be more money than that.

  
When the door opened everyone turned towards it and went silent as a bunch of older people filed in the short, fat half bald dude being one of them. Everyone seemed to stand up beside their cot some keeping their blankets on their bodies and some wrapping their blankets tighter around themselves as they came in.

  
“Ok everyone I’m Tony. I’m going to put you in line from tallest to shortest and that’s how we’re going to go in. Almost all of you are getting a mark tonight so I think we’re just going to draw in that order so that’s the order your entering the room when I call you if you’re holding your blanket throw it into the pile in the middle of the room,” Tony said.

  
He looked around the room and grabbed Gage who didn’t seem phased at all by being handled so roughly and he grabbed his blanket dropping it in the middle of the floor as Tony smacked his ass causing his ass cheek to cave in for a second his ribs very visible through his skin. He was very malnourished. I’ve never seen a one that really wasn’t I don’t think but he stood there silently not even trying to cover himself with his hands. Next Tony came up to me.

  
“Will, right?” He asked me.

  
I nodded my head.

  
“I’ve heard good things about you from your uncle.” he said quietly, “Everyone is going to want a turn with you. You’re lucky though everyone gets a dice throw tonight.”

  
I took me a minute to remember what that meant. The dice throw Cole and Finn said that the number on the dice was the number of guys that got to rape you before they branded you. I wondered if for fives they had a top number you could reach.

  
I dropped my blanket using my hands to cover myself when I noticed some of the other guys with him looking at me. Looking at me like that, making my mouth go dry. I cringed internally “yeah shiny and new” I thought bitterly trying to ignore them, look anywhere but at them as they ripped apart my naked form with their eyes.

  
Once everyone was lined up we started walking forwards and we were lead down a long dark hallway and took a left into another hallway at the end of that hallway was a room. It looked expansive the whole room barely lit. From the open door you could see a large fireplace of what appeared to be dark stone with a very strong fire burning within it and see shadows moving around the room. Silhouettes of people moving around the room. When we finally passed through the door it was many men standing along the sides of a red carpet leading up to where the fire was the room even bigger than it had appeared from down the hallway now that we were in it almost the size of a ballroom or venue where you could hold a wedding maybe only it was dark.

  
All of the men along the walk way were adult and naked and as they lead us past their lines they made our line spread out. There was only about 11 of us and twice as many of them. We waited in silence and then there was a loud clank as a door on one side of the fire opened and he stepped into the room the leader.

  
“Brothers tonight is a big night. Tonight, our second age group of the year is receiving their welcome into our circle those who have not been marked into our sphere will receive their embrace. In the past it has been tradition to wait until one of our boys is around the age of ten in order to get his mark designating that he is ours, that he belongs among us. However, this year we are starting a new tradition or an old one depending on how long your affiliation with us has been and marking some of our younger specimens this year.

  
There are no initiations tonight so we are all among family so I will not make any grand speech but I do have an announcement. My attention was drawn to something that happened three days ago, and don’t worry the perpetrator has been taken care of and banned until the problem is resolved but, we do not tamper with our instruments in order to keep cross contamination from occurring. This means change your condoms even if you don’t ejaculate. Someone didn’t change condoms between partners and we have several cases of Shigella popping up from our last party. So, men please keep an eye on your bottoms and make sure they are healthy if they are showing any signs of stomach issues along with fever it would be a good idea to have them seen by Dr. Palmer. Like I said the party responsible has been reprimanded and is being dealt with accordingly by being banned from certain events for now. I’m thinking of having him take a safe sex class at the public high school with the children in his area,” Lord said which cause a small wave of laughter behind us boys.

  
“Now, I’m sure we all know how this goes and we know who is getting what Mark so let’s not worry about that and normally we don’t brand so many at once but our brother Venchensky has provided us with a new shipment of collectibles who have mostly been assigned already. So, they too are getting their marks. Now, because of that we’re not doing a number pick but going by height and I think it’s important that the next bottom in line witnesses what is and is not proper behavior so they get to have an up-close view of the ritual as always so will the tallest please step forward so that the Dice may be thrown?”

  
At that Gage stepped forward no even hesitating not using his arms to cover himself and Mr. Lord smiled at him, “And who will throw the Dice for this one?”

  
“I Volunteer,” Some man said stepping forward and took a Dice from the hands of Mr. Lord.

  
It was a big Dice. It was large enough to easily see in the dark the dots on it slightly glowing as the man threw it on the floor an excited energy spreading through the room when it landed with four dots up.

  
The leader smiled, “Well gentlemen you know how this part works. Anyone who is a four and up and interested line up and we’ll draw the stones,” he said raising his eyebrows in amusement.

  
Around twice as many men as there were compared to us stepped forward and the first man put his hand in the bag. They drew until four red stones had been drawn no one I knew among them and then I felt hands on my shoulders as the Leader pulled Gage forward the rest of the boys staying back where they were.

  
“Come on baby,” Ben said in my ear massaging my shoulders lightly where his hands were resting pushing me forward as Lord and one of the other guys strapped Gage to a table his eyes wide and fearful even as he took deep breaths his chest heaving as he laid back on the table his lips pursed every time he exhaled. They chained his ankles and wrists up so he was laying spread eagle completely exposed his limbs jerking slightly when one of the guys kissed his outer thigh.

  
“You’re a sweet one, aren’t you?” One of the guys cooed running a hand through Gage’s hair causing him to jerk his head to the side.

  
“You think he’s a screamer boys?” The third one chimed.

  
“I don’t know about you Al but I love it when they scream a little bit,” the fourth guy said.

  
I looked at Gage’s his face his eyes darting in all directions around him looking at each one of them as best he could when they spoke his breathing becoming less measured and relaxed and more frantic, panicked. I didn’t want to watch this. I didn’t want to have to see this because I knew I was going to be next. The guy by his head leaning over and whispering something in Gage’s ear only he could hear.

  
“Wh-what?” He squeaked shaking his head his body starting to tremble.

  
“Relax, we’ll make it nice won’t we Al?” one of the guys with very dark hair but very pale skin said his eyes nearly glowing with delight.

  
“Yeah we will,” the one named Al answered biting his bottom lip as he smiled hooking a strawberry blond curl behind his ear before he starting kissing up Gage’s inner leg at his knee making his legs twitch as he did. Gage than did something that I found myself doing so often when they got me alone in a room turned his knees inward as if it was going to stop them somehow his ankles locked to the ends of the table so that his knees couldn’t even touch when he turned them inward.

  
“Please Ric,” Gage begged his accent showing thickly before he said something else someone sitting on his chest the panic in his voice picking up, “Pozhaluysta, ne soglasites' s tem, chto.”

  
“ENGLISH!” The leader barked.

  
“He said not to do that,” Some man behind me in the crowd said in his own thick accented voice.

  
Mr. Lord laughed like it was the funniest joke he had ever heard before his laugh started to turn menacing, “Like you have a choice?”

  
Someone grabbed him hard by the neck forcing his face upwards before they shoved their dick in his mouth making me gasps in surprise. That was something that didn’t happen too often at my house. Them making us give them oral sex. My Da had maybe had me do it once but that was it and he wasn’t forceful about it, not like that. I was beyond not ok at this point taking a step back bumping into my uncle who wrapped his arms across my chest pulling me into him.

  
“They get a little rough it’s ok though. I’ll make sure you’re ok when it’s done,” he muttered into my ear.

  
“Don’t make me watch this,” I begged biting on my tongue lightly trying not to cry for this kid in front of me. This kid that was experiencing something I was about to experience myself when they were done with him.

  
“Rules are rules baby,” he said into my ear kissing my cheek.

  
Two guys one on each side started kissing up the outside of Gage’s legs while the third held fast to the back of his neck forcing his penis into Gages mouth moving in and out fast making obscene sounds making me want to close my eyes. Making me want to look away. While a fourth started running their hands up and down his lower stomach.

  
It wasn’t long before the two guys kissing his legs had moved their lips to his inner thighs his legs jerking every time their tongues touched against his skin as he made sounds letting out a low whimper from his throat causing the guy using his mouth to grunt heavily and start panting as the two other guys finally moved to his penis which was hard and swollen with blood. His body was obviously responding to their tongues and his hands against his body, on his skin both of their tongues traveling up and down each side of his shaft as they sucked. A tongue occasionally grazing over his head and sucking on it for a second or two before going back to the side.

  
“Having fun yet Al?” the one licking and rubbing Gage’s lower torso asked one of the ones on his penis tapping his shoulder gently.

  
“Oh, yeah Ric, tons. You think we’ll get him to scream?” Al asked.

  
“Once Ernie stops dicking his mouth sure,” Ric replied to which you heard the wet pop of a penis being pulled out of a mouth.

  
“Hey you let me stick it somewhere else maybe I will quit dicking his mouth,” Ernie responded.

  
“Sure,” The other guy still sucking and licking on Gage said unlocking one of his ankles.

  
“Are you going to use Lube?” Ric asked.

  
“Have to, remember safe play?” Ernie said.

  
“Of course, anyone want to play doubles?” Al asked the other guys.

  
“Not right now gentlemen,” Mr. Lord said.

  
“Well there goes that idea, yes sir,” Al sighed.

  
Someone handed Ernie a condom which he rolled down himself. He looked painfully hard his pubs looking like a mess of thin curls similar to the mess of curls on his head as he reached over and took a squirt tube and applied a liberal amount to his fingers before looking at the tube, “This stuff is pineapple flavored.”

  
“I don’t think I’ve ever had that favor,” Al said squirting some directly onto Gage’s body making him gasps loudly as Ernie and the fourth guy whose name had yet to be spoke grabbed a hold of the back of Gages knees.

  
“You’re being such a good boy Gage,” The leader said walking to stand above Gages head who was panting making an almost gurgling sound in the back of his throat like he was breathing heavily through mucus, like his throat was coated in it because he was crying even though it was hard to tell in the darkness, “Haven’t said any of those words yet. Being a very very good boy Gage. We’ll make sure it all feels good ok?”

  
Gage bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes so he didn’t have to look at him anymore. Not wanting to look into his cold green eyes so full of joy at Gages suffering. Gage who was praying to not be in his own skin anymore, who was probably silently praying to god that it would just stop no matter what. That they would just stop. The leader so happy and excited to see Gage suffering.

  
Gage let out what sounded like a painful yelp as everyone moved aside and Al shoved his tongue inside him. His scream causing everyone watching to laugh. Everyone but me. I didn’t want to watch this. I didn’t want to watch him go through this.

  
I could see on his face how badly he wanted to scream to tell them no, to tell them to stop but he was refusing to do it. Refusing to say those words because those words were dangerous. Those words meant being smacked or worse. Even at my rank those words weren’t words you were allowed to use. At some point his panting turned into moans and grunts his body giving over to them as Al added his fingers into the mix.

  
The whole thing got louder him hissing in pain when Al added a second finger and then a third before finally penetrating him the way he wanted to, a bunch of people in the crowd behind my uncle clapping and hollering in excitement. Ernie and Ric and the other guy taking turns licking his chest and nipples and neck and giving him a hand job. Eventually the switched Al pulling out only for Ernie to sink into him fast and deep making him shudder, making him whimper.

  
“No, no it’s ok beautiful, I know I’m sorry I got excited,” he said trying to comfort Gage who eyes were wide and fearful his chest heaving heavily with the effort of breathing his body covered in sweat.  
Once everyone had taken their turn raping him one of them walked away as Al started going on down on him again and the crowd parted making room for Ernie to make his way to the fire place picking up a long rod which had its base in the fire and had been sitting there since the beginning of the night when we all entered the room. When they pulled it out it was glowing bright red a cheer going up through the crowd as Ernie slowly turned carefully balancing the long rod in his arms. The crowd parted to make room as he moved back through the crowd as Gage’s teeth started chattering as he tried to keep himself from moaning out loud, from having an orgasm but the moment he could no longer hold back his eyes rolling as his teeth clamped together to try and keep himself from moaning they shoved the red hot burning end of the branding Iron into his skin a black and red searing into his flesh the sound of fat sizzling and bubbling making me feel queasy before Gage let out and horrible blood curdling scream and then the room went so silent you could hear a pin drop.

“Is he dead?” I asked confused because Gage had suddenly gone limp.

  
“No, he passed out,” Ben answered me a couple people around me chuckling at my question as someone kissed Gage’s forehead and then picked him up carrying him away quickly everyone’s attention turning back to the front of the room where Uncle Ben took me his hands still wrapped around my chest holding me to him.

  
“And now our second guest of the night Ben, you are doing the honor I’m assuming since Connor isn’t with us tonight?” The leader asked smiling at me touching my cheek making my insides go cold.

  
So, this was it. They were going to…and then…just like they had done to Gage. Uncle Ben kissed my other cheek as Lord looked at me and then leaned in so only I could hear him.

  
“remember what we discussed earlier how you need to watch those words right? You don’t want a one showing you up that would beyond embarrass your family and I’d hate to see what your Da would do if that happened,” he reminded me.

  
He handed Ben the die and he tossed it I felt like my heart was stopping as it teetered on the edge for a second finally falling and coming to a stop face up on a six. A six. Six at once. I wanted to start screaming then. Six was too many. I couldn’t hide the fear I knew it was written all over my face especially when several of the handlers laughed.

  
“Ok gentlemen I know just about everyone is lining up for this one as well so please remember this one is special we don’t want to hurt him too badly,” The leader said as they formed a line.

  
I felt too numb to pay attention but one of the last guys to draw a stone drew the last red one. I remember that much. The leader nor my uncle grabbed me but one of the people who was going to rape me did grabbing me gently by the elbow his eyes cold and gray and hard reminding me of Barry. The way Barry always looked at me. I remember feeling more scared and numb than anything as he first tried to coax me into walking and then when that didn’t work he picked me up bridal style and set me gently on the table.

  
“Hi there beautiful,” Another guy said grabbing my attention causing me to look over at him.

  
He was around my Da’s age. His eyes almost Gold almost shining with this something. Something I still can’t describe or explain his voice feeling like nails on a chalk board but making me forget about everyone watching, everyone waiting.

  
“It’s ok to be nervous,” he said because I was still looking at him not daring to breathe my knees naturally pulling themselves inwards towards each other like they were being pulled together by magnetic force naturally, “My names Josh, what’s your name?”  
I couldn’t speak. I could barely think. I knew what he was saying I knew he wanted me to talk but I…my brain felt slow and stupid and scared. My whole body using most of my energy to tremble and shiver in fear. These guys were going to hurt me and I knew they were going to hurt me and they had no reason to be nice about it like Ben did. No one was telling them they had to be nice.

  
“His name is Will,” One of the other guys said causing my head to snap in his direction my heart dropping as I covered my mouth with my hands. Barry had drawn a stone? Barry.

  
I felt my chin start to tremble my lip twitching even though I bit it to try and stop it. Please not him. Please not him. He was going to do that thing his tongue going in there and I…I couldn’t do that. I had watched someone to do to Gage and I hated that almost more than I hated it when they gave me oral and I couldn’t do it.

  
“Oh, it’s ok beautiful, we’re not going to hurt you,” Josh said, “We’ll treat you really nice I promise.”

  
“Please?” I whimpered.

  
All of the sudden all I remember is hands. Hands everywhere pushing me back slowly forcing me to lay down. A hand holding my right wrists above my head while the other hand from the same guy ran up and down my arm from my armpit to my elbow before he kissed my bicep gently when I looked over at him, “Calm, nice and calm ok? You need to relax. Breathe,” The guy said his black curly hair tied back in a ponytail to keep it out of his face as he clasped the shackle around my wrists.

  
“He’s a quiet one,” One of the other guys muttered, “really quiet. I wonder if he’s a screamer.”

  
“Not really Bert,” Barry answered the guy causing the guy to look at him, “He usually stays pretty quiet he tends to quiver though.”

  
“Fear?” Bert asked him and Barry nodded his head leaning over and starting to run his fingers through my hair making my scalp tingle.

  
So, this is how they started. They started with him. With Barry. Barry finally getting to go all the way not just with his tongue or his hands but, all the way.

  
“He’s barely breathing,” Josh pointed out.

  
“He’s just nervous he’ll be ok,” Barry assured him.

  
“You sure because I don’t do corpses,” Josh said.

  
“Yeah, I’m sure. You’re all right aren’t you beautiful?” Barry asked me leaning in over top of me upside down pressing his forehead to mine causing a sound somewhere between a whimper and gasps to escape my mouth as one of them took my right hand away from my face where I had been holding it over my mouth and chin to try and hide the fact that my jaw was quivering.

  
“Aww he’s crying. it’s ok baby. I swear we aren’t going to hurt you ok? We’re going to make it feel really nice I promise,” the guy with the ponytail who had shackled my first wrists said kissing my bicep again as he leaned over me his hand feeling like it was stinging as he placed it on my bare stomach.

  
“Well now he’s breathing,” Josh chuckled a little as I felt my face get warm and I started panting because of anxiety, because of the feeling of that guy’s hands on my stomach, “Apparently, you have a magic touch Chip.”

  
“It’s ok,” one of the guys by my feet said and I looked at him for the first time. Something about his face seemed familiar, off but, familiar.

  
The curve of his jaw the roundness of his cheeks and those dimples. Quinn’s dimples. This was Quinn’s Dad. It had to be. There was no mistaking that anywhere you could tell it was Quinn’s Dad. He smiled as I looked into his eyes his fingers lightly running up the sole of my foot tickling me lightly causing me jerk.

  
The guy with the ponytail, Chip and the other guy who introduced himself to me Josh leaned in each kissing one of my shoulders before they licked light at the skin on my collar bones moving in towards the center of my chest as I felt two sets of hands starting to creep up my inner legs. My whole body shaking as Barry kept running his hands through my hair and Quinn’s Dad played with my feet massaging the soles and messing with my toes softly.

  
This is where my brain started screaming at me. Screaming at me to tell them no to shriek at them to stop. That I was not going to let them do this that I couldn’t let them do this my whole-body trembling and jerking as their tongues and mouths and hands kept getting closer and closer to other parts of my body that shouldn’t be touched, that I didn’t want touched. Josh finally landing a soft kiss on my right nipple. At that I was no longer able to keep completely silent everyone else moving slowly towards my center. So slowly it was painful.

  
“please,” I said barely above a whisper closing my eyes, “please, please, please, please…” I started begging under my breath as I tried my best not cry even though I knew I was crying softly tears dripping down my face my chin still wobbling with the effort of keeping myself as silent as possible, with the effort of keeping myself from outright sobbing and screaming.

  
“Just close your eyes and relax,” Barry cooed continuing to run his fingers through my hair, “You’re doing very well.”

  
“Please, please, please,” I said in a high pitched soft murmur until I felt a hand reach my left upper thigh right below my crotch making me freeze, making me hiccup sharply and then go silent because I knew if I said anything I was going to scream. That I was going to say something I wasn’t allowed to.

  
“now who has magic hands?” Bert muttered smiling like he was proud of himself his fingertips drawing small circles on my upper thigh slowly moving inward and upwards towards my base his hand finally making contact making me jerk violently.

  
People in the crowd laughed at me. Laughed at the fact I had jerked at his touch, laughed at the fact I was begging them to stop. Laughed at the fact that I was me and I was tied down and I didn’t want this.

  
Bert’s hands started manipulating me, playing with me as Josh and finally Chip started licking and sucking on my nipples slowly eliciting high pitched whimpers that I couldn’t hold back. While Barry’s hands moved from my hair to my shoulders and the other guy whose name I had yet to catch kept running his hand up and down my leg. All while Quinn’s Dad kept playing with my feet.

  
“Sean? What is up with you and their feet?” The guy asked his nose wrinkling making his gray eyes seem like they were almost closed.

  
“Well Kev,” Quinn’s Dad started to answer, “There’s this little spot right here…” the guy answered pressing his thumb lightly against the side of my big toe sending this weird feeling into my body like he had just put his finger in my belly button making me jerk which made him smile, “you play with it enough you can make someone orgasm without ever touching their Dick. It’s actually really fun and some people are really responsive to it. My son is very VERY responsive to it and we have a lot of fun with that.”  
That was something about Quinn I never wanted to know. I remember thinking that until Bert ran his thumb over my tip squeezing slightly making my whole body tense up. I wanted them stop. I was not ok with this.

  
“Please,” I begged again.

  
“It’s ok baby you’re doing really good,” Barry said leaning in and kissing my neck from the angle he was at.

  
“Where’s that flavored stuff the other guys were using?” Kev asked.

  
“No if anyone gets to do that it’s me,” Barry said which caused the other five to laugh and some of the crowd to laugh as well.

  
“You’re still eating ass after all these years Barry, really?” One of them asked.

  
“For this one? Fuck yes. He makes the sweetest little sounds once you put your finger in there and find the right spot. It’s enough to make you cream your pants,” Barry told them.

  
Someone handed Barry a tube and he switched places with Kev after Kev unstrapped on of my ankles Bert unstrapping the other one gently bending my knees so my feet were flat on the table. He squeezed some onto his fingers circling the outside of my entrance making it hard to stay still. Chip chewing on my nipple light making me yelp out.

  
Why did they have to do this? Why couldn’t they just stop? Why did they have to make it feel like this. Barry’s tongue circling and then pushing inside making my tears fall faster as I tried to keep my mouth shut, to keep myself from whimpering. Someone starting touching my penis again and then I felt that warm wet gross feeling inside of me.

  
“PLEAE PLEASE,” I shrieked.

  
“You’re doing so well little one,” I heard the leader whispering in my ear my body hitting that point where I knew I was going to eventually climax the feeling of them on my nipples and other private areas too much at once my whole body shaking. Until Barry added a finger finding that spot after a stroke or two a gasp and then moan escaping my mouth making everyone laugh some more.

  
“Yeah beautiful?” Barry asked me rubbing his finger up against that spot again causing a zap to travel up and down my spine.

  
“Now that’s a nice sound,” Kev commented.

  
“I didn’t even know a 10-year-old could drop to that octave, he sounds like it feels good. Wait until we really fuck you. You’ll be begging for more,” Chip said tweaking my nipple between his index finger and thumb.

  
“Anyone want to add a finger for me instead of me using two?” Barry asked.

  
“Oh, I’ll lend a hand,” Josh said coating his finger in something before I felt it join Barry’s inside me.

  
“Please, please Ben, Ben please,” I begged the stretch burning, painful. And yet these were just fingers. This was just them “warming me up” because they were going to rape me there wasn’t any question about it. I knew they were and I already hated what they were doing even if my body liked it.

  
“You’re doing so well though baby,” Ben called from somewhere in the crowd.

  
I wanted to beg them to stop my breath catching as the sound of my heart beating echoed in my ears and it got hard to breathe as I started to climax my muscles along my shaft contracting as someone wrapped their lips around me their voices becoming faded and echoy, hard to understand. My body over riding my mental ability to stop myself from coming the crowd cheering when I did so whoever was giving me oral pulling away so everyone in the crowd could see it happen.

  
Before I knew it, someone was grabbing me hard by the hips yanking me down slowly pushing into me. I screamed and started sobbing. My whole body starting to freeze up making it painful, making it burn as they shoved into me. I still managed to not use any of those words though. I still managed to not beg them to stop, not plead with them to get off of me or let me go or not do it.

  
“He feels fucking amazing,” Josh muttered pulling out and then pushing back in a little farther, “I want to just slam right in it’s hard to go slow with this one.”

  
“Well you know, you have to, right? Otherwise you won’t be attending for a little while,” The leader warned him.

  
“I know I’m not going t…” he groaned in pleasure as he finally got seated inside me, “ruin it for anyone I promise.”

  
“Good,” the leader said.

  
“Fuck, he feels amazing,” Josh said.

  
My whole lower half felt like it was on fire. Like maybe he was too big or he’d pushed in too fast because The Leader and Ben never hurt like that and the he moved and I felt it. This weird pressure way up inside my stomach and someone laughed lightly and then a murmur went up through the crowd.

  
I was pretty small for my age when it came to muscle tone and width. I was actually super tall and very very thin and apparently my body was just the right build and he was the right size. Kev reached down and pushed on my stomach making me scream sending a sharp ache through my lower stomach causing me to look as best I could. I could see him moving inside me, inside my body.

  
“Kev don’t ruin it for everyone else. Maybe him screaming is his way of telling you you’re making it worse,” The Leader commented.

  
“Sorry,” Kev said and took his weight off my stomach the pain lessening.

  
I still don’t know how big Josh was but he was apparently big enough he was somewhere in my upper canal near my colon and it did not feel good. Everyone else touching my body in different places as he thrusted in and out as if they were trying to make up for the pain I was feeling. He raped me until he climaxed and then the next guy did the same by the third I was mostly out of it not really sure which one of them it was only that they weren’t stopping and I couldn’t get away from them and my throat was raw and sore from screaming and crying.

  
I closed my eyes and tried to shut it out. Tried to ignore the way their hands and mouths made my skin crawl the way I just wanted it to be over. Everything, to be over. That when the next guy rubbed at me gently, rubbing the back of my thighs that were starting to cramp and everyone stopped touching me for a minute then I felt them loosen the shackles from around my arms.

  
“Come on beautiful look at me,” Barry muttered rubbing my butt as I opened my eyes, “Hi,” he said quietly.

  
I wasn’t sure I liked this any better. At least with the pain I knew I didn’t like it. I didn’t feel grateful for it. Grateful for the pain stopping. His hands went to my waist and I grabbed his wrists finding my hands were too small to encircle them, to get them off me. That I was too weak to do anything to fight back.

  
“It’s ok beautiful,” he said quietly, “You know how long I’ve waited for you? It feels like forever. Since the moment I saw you. Since the moment your Daddy brought you to my school. Those big green eyes looking at everything so wide. So, curious, even me. You’re so beautiful.”

  
He kissed my open mouth. My mouth was open because I was panting, because I couldn’t catch my breath. Because they hadn’t stopped stimulating me, hadn’t even given me a moment of a break until this moment as he looked at me like that the fear turning my body to lead. I didn’t want to have sex with him. Not like this.

  
“Oh, it’s ok, just relax,” he said pressing his body against mine rolling my waist so my lower body was more sideways than laying straight on.

  
I thought my body was cramped before but this position I really didn’t like whining as he kept trying to hush me quietly kissing my back and shoulders as he entered me from behind giving me a reach around as he climbed up on the table with me.

  
“Please, Please I…” I begged barely catching it before I said the word “don’t” gulping hard my throat dry.

  
“Did he just say don’t?” The leader asked.

  
“No, he didn’t he…oh fuck yeah…” Barry moaned rolling his hips pushing into me hitting that spot making me groan, “That’s it, just let it happen for me beautiful give me what you have left ok?” he said kissing into the nape of my neck. He timed it so each pump of his fist moved in sync with his thrusts hitting that spot every time without fail until I came screaming and that searing pain hit me the feeling of my skin bubbling and burning away.

  
God, it fucking hurt. I didn’t even notice them approaching me with the branding iron. I don’t remember seeing them bring it to me only the moment it pressed down into my right hip the smell of my flesh and the feeling of it burning into my skin and then my vision blurring and flickering until everything was dark.


	26. Twentysix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will meets some people at the Villa before he is finally taken home learning that John isn't doing well physically and is in the hospital. A tracker sets him in their sites making Will nervous and uncertian about things Cole popping up briefly to let Will know he's there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 383 to page 398. **Warnings,** talk of sexual abuse, ritualistic abuse, talk of branding, mental illness. This is probably taking place from **chapters 6,8 and 9 in John's POV pt1.** Reason for this is because the order that they remember things it out of wack and Will is pretty sure what Da and Ben did happened after Will was branded while John thinks it happened before. You however have to understand John was pretty sick and very stressed out as was Will and that tends to mess with your memory (In case you're wondering who is correct in the order of events Will is) Chapter seven did happen though and I will let you know when we reach that event (next chapter).

I started to feel conscious when someone touched my shoulder me batting their hand away started to freak out before I moved getting the wind knocked out of me. The pain was like getting stung by a bee only all over my hip this intense burning taking over the skin around my brand while a slight tingling filled in the center.

  
“It’s ok William it’s me it’s Dr. Palmer I’m not going to hurt you I swear,” He said as I finally opened my eyes.

  
“What happened?” I gasped.

  
“You don’t remember what happened?” He asked his eyes going wide with worry, “What’s the last thing you remember?”

  
I felt my face warm up and my stomach drop like I wanted to cry. The last thing I really remembered clearly at the time was Barry on top of me, going inside of me. I didn’t want to tell someone that’s what I remembered. I didn’t want to even think about it how after everyone had hurt me I was almost relieved it didn’t hurt anymore until that thing pressed into my skin.

  
“I remember him and then burning in my leg,” I answered.

  
Dr. Palmer sighed with relief, “Good ok. Well after that you passed out which happens to some guys and that’s ok. I’m going to feel the burn now and check it for signs of infection it’s going to be tender and little swollen the skin around it you might feel some numbness or tingles right now is that…”

  
“Yes,” I answered, “Why does it hurt all the way down my leg?”

  
“It’s a trauma your body is processing the pain and I realize it’s not a comfortable feeling and I’m sorry about that. I’m putting something on it the numb up the skin around it and then I’m going to give you a shot to help you sleep for a little while ok. I want you to keep a very close eye on yourself especially the shit if the redness and swelling doesn’t fade or seems to get worse you call me or have your mom call me you don’t wait, you don’t tell your Dad you call me right away because that’s a sign of infection that way I can give you something to knock the infection out before it becomes dangerous all right?” he told me.

  
“Are you going to put me to sleep now?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, do you want me to check everything else before I give you the shot or after?” He questioned.

  
“Everything else?” I asked confused.

  
“It’s to make sure you don’t have any tearing inside your anal cavity that you don’t need ice for any contusions in uncomfortable places that type of stuff,” he explained.

  
“Wait how do you make sure I don’t have any…” I trailed off shaking my head, “No. No you’re not touching me like that.”

  
“Will take a deep breath and then I need you to listen to me. John is very sick right now he’s in the hospital because someone gave him a stomach bacteria because they weren’t safe and they gave him a tiny tear. I have to make sure the same thing doesn’t happen to you. It’s really quick a very quick feel with my one finger and that’s it then I’ll be done,” he said.

  
I could see the sincerity in his eyes. He really didn’t want to hurt me. I really didn’t want another person touching me like that. Not any time soon. Seven people had put at least one part of their anatomy in my bottom that day and I was very much done. I was not looking for eight because seven was already a record. He waited for my reply or a resigned sigh and I shook my head.

  
“Ok, I’m going to give you a shot and I’ll wait until you’re out and then I’ll check. You won’t have to remember it happening we can pretend it didn’t happen if that makes you feel better but, know I still have to check because it has to do with your physical health and I’m not trying to give you pleasure from it, I’m not doing it because I want to I’m doing to make sure nothing is wrong ok?” He said.

  
“I really wish you wouldn’t,” I said barely above a whisper before I started crying.

  
“I know. I understand ok? I do trust me but, I really have to so just a slight poke in 3,2, and done,” he said poking me in the arm.

  
That’s when it hit me he had told me John was in the hospital. My brother was in the hospital because someone had made him sick. Really sick.

  
“Is he going to be ok?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah your mum caught it in time. He started suffering from a fever and then stomach cramps really bad ones your mum called me when his fever got too high and he needed to go into the hospital. That’s why I was late coming here because I was making sure he was settled in it’s nothing too serious just that bacteria it should be cleared from his system in a day or two. Mostly he’s just in the hospital so we know he’ll get rest and to give him help staying hydrated but he’ll be fine,” Dr. Palmer answered.  
“Because of Da?” I asked quietly.

  
“What? I’m sorry son I didn’t hear you,” he said.

  
“Because of Da. He needs to be on rest at hospital because Da won’t leave him alone,” I repeated.

  
“Yes,” Dr. Palmer answered, “Your Dad has a very complicated relationship with you kids.”

  
“You mean he wants to suck our cocks? No kidding,” I said surprising myself and covering my mouth with my hand laughing, “Did I just say that out loud?”

  
“You starting to feel sleepy?” He asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“Ok, I’m going to go check on some of the other guys since they just brought my 3rd in and then I’ll be back ok?” he said before he got up walking away.

  
I remember my eyes getting so heavy and I just wanted to close them for a minute but then I must have fallen asleep. The next time I woke up it was to a bunch of people talking and laughing at a kid somewhere in the room who was crying a younger kid.  
“NO! MOMMY MOMMY!” I heard the shrieking making me sit up afraid someone was hurting them only to find the room mostly dark a kid or two sitting on the couch in the middle of the room with only a lamp lighting the whole room.

  
“Poor baby having a nightmare?” Someone mocked as the kid stopped screaming.

  
“SHUT UP WE’RE TRYING TO SLEEP!” Gage’s accent rang out.

  
“Don’t tell me to shut up unless you want a dick in your mouth you fucking one slut,” One of the guys in the middle of the room hissed at him making him go quiet.

  
So, they treated all ones like that. Like what they were doing to that one kid when they first brought me here. Because Gage hadn’t seemed the type of just shut up and take anything from someone he didn’t have to but he went dead silent pulling his blanket tighter around him.

  
Eventually the laughing died down and I fell back to sleep. The next time I woke up it was morning there was a tray of food in the middle of the room that no one was touching and most guys were ignoring choosing instead to talk to the guy in the cot next to him the only ones going near it the trackers.

  
My whole body hurt. I wasn’t even sure I could walk if I tried. Maybe that’s why no one was getting the food because trackers certainly wouldn’t bring anyone food. They weren’t the type.

  
“Babysitting fucking sucks!” One of the trackers in the middle of the room shouted as two more of them walked through the door.

  
I recognized one of them. I wouldn’t have called him fat but he was Chubby and wearing a pair of glasses like he had the first time I saw him. His hair the same shade of blond hair and the same face shape only covered in a slight layer of flub and a bit of peach fuzz across his upper lip and chin. This was Wallace.

  
“Oh, come on it’s not always so bad,” Wallace said, “They’re fun to play with.”

  
“Speaking of I thought you were stuck with the older kids because you have a nasty habit of getting handsy with the kids you’re not supposed to,” One of them chuckled lightly as he walked in, “What’s up man?”

  
“Not too much,” Wallace said looking around the room, “My Dad decided to have me bring my brother here at the last minute he’s in the prep room making sure he’s all shaved and shiny.”

  
“Isn’t he in the next group up?” The other kid asked.

  
“Yeah. Like you said usually they put me with that group but today I got lucky,” Wallace said.

  
“Not that lucky they all just got marked still fresh from last night we’re not supposed to touch them. Play time is off limits. What is your favorite anyway?” The kid asked.

  
There seemed to be several differences between trackers and Bottoms. The bottoms, which the kid was right we had all just been freshly branded our bodies still fighting the pain our white blood cell counts high most of us probably running low grade fevers to fight off any infections that were trying to set in who were covered in wool blankets most of us wrapping them tightly around us to hide our nakedness underneath.

  
The Trackers didn’t have that problem. They were all wide awake, probably in fine health and instead of being naked or wrapped in blankets they were wearing white semi-sheer silk bathrobes that went down to their upper thighs leaving enough coverage to make them comfortable but lacking coverage enough so that Handlers could get a good look at what was underneath without having to use their imaginations. They all seemed to be older than we were. I’d say most of them were between 15 and 17 their bodies smaller less defined versions of their adult counter parts.

  
“You mean age or you just mean like look?” Wallace asked raising a skeptical eyebrow at him.

  
“Well start with gender I guess,” the kid said sitting down and patting the seat on the sofa next to him, “Because you know there is a branch that plays with the pussy so…”

  
“Really Ed is that all they are to you?” Wallace asked him Ed laughing loudly throwing back his head in amusement his nearly black curls bouncing slightly.

  
“These guys aren’t just a bunch of little dicks and an asshole to you?” He asked.

  
“No,” Wallace said shaking his head glancing around the room his eyes locking on mine for a second before he looked back at Ed, “They can be so much more than that. So, you prefer girls?”

  
“Duh, have you ever stuck it in a pussy? It’s amazing! You don’t always need lube either and those muscles if you can get them to move just the right way it’s like the best wet warm hug your dick has ever gotten in your life. You’ve never had sex with a girl?” Ed asked Wallace.

  
“I didn’t say that I hadn’t. I just thought it was…too wet,” Wallace mumbled blushing slightly.

  
“So, you prefer boys then? What about like guys our age still prefer it?” Ed asked.

  
“I have a hard time picturing it to be completely honest like almost more than being with an actual girl our age. So, I don’t know,” Wallace answered him.

  
“Honestly if I’m horny whatever is there works,” Ed answered, “I can enjoy either or it doesn’t really matter as long as I can use them to get the job done but, I prefer girls around our age. Did you know they’ve matched me already?”

  
“Really?” Wallace asked his eyes widening in shock, “To who?”

  
“Bizzy,” Ed answered biting his lip trying to hide a smile, “We’ve gone out a few times too. She seems interested. Her eyes are this wild lime green color almost it’s crazy beautiful. Like most people when they have green eyes it’s like almost emerald or like Jade green but her eyes, like Lime dude it’s awesome. She’s so beautiful like I totally want to hit that and she seems interested too.”

  
“Doesn’t she have some middle Eastern in her?” Wallace asked him.

  
“A little bit apparently. Her mom is like half middle eastern she said it’s actually a rare ethnic thing that she inherited, her eye color but man it makes her so fucking hot! Like she is a boner magnet,” Ed declared before laughing again.

  
“Oh, I’m sure there are plenty of guys who are jealous of you right now,” Wallace commented.

  
“Yeah no kidding you know the kids we’re going to have? I hope she gives me a bunch of girls first that way I can declare inclusive and keep my sons from having to deal with this bullshit,” Ed said.

  
“Dude that’s not the way it works. Inclusive means both your sons and daughters are play toys not that just your daughters are. Declaring yourself a girl lover means it’s just your girls and boy lover is boys. Some people are declaring boy lover just so they don’t have to share their daughters and vice versa. I listen to my Dad talk like this new guy that they just got in who is apparently giving us lots of funding for certain protects according to my dad he’s declared boy lover because he wants to look into the eugenics projects the leader wants to start. It keeps the girls from getting their blood muddied as my Dad put it. Meaning only he’s allowed to touch them and no one else. His sons aren’t so lucky though,” Wallace said.

  
“Ouch that has to suck being one of his sons. Knowing that your Dad is pimping you out because he’s the only one that gets to tap your sisters. He probably made a big deal with the leader for that to happen,” Ed said.

  
“Well apparently, he doesn’t have a huge surplus of daughters and none of them are really old enough to do anything with according to the old rules but that’s why they keep having a bunch of meetings because the leader is slowly changing code. Did you know that we’re allowed to start training as young as three now? For the males of course, but…still,” Wallace covered his hand with his mouth to hide his smile.

  
“You like them that young?” Ed scoffed, “That’s…no.”

  
“Not that young Usually from around 9 to 14. That’s the sweet spot they’re just old enough they can…well the water is running but it’s not connected to the hot yet,” Wallace said.

  
I frowned I wasn’t completely sure where plumbing came into the equation and it didn’t make sense at first but the more I thought about it the more I understood the reference. Anywhere between 9 and 12 a boy hits puberty which meant he could ejaculate but the ability to produce ejaculation full of semen every time didn’t really happen until around the middle of puberty. When you first enter puberty, ejaculation is mostly clear doesn’t have a lot of semen in it and doesn’t dry up really and become solid once it leaves the body where it does for adults. So, he was basically saying he likes it when a boy can come but not in an adult way. However, this also means that you hit rearousal faster than an adult can as well which means you can ejaculate again. So, he was saying he liked boys my age. Sitting right where I was because while I did ejaculate and usually successfully did so whenever they made me it was still not mature.

  
“Which is why you don’t usually watch this age group,” Ed commented.

  
“Some of them are nice looking ok? I know you think it’s weird but I like…” Wallace’s face started glowing.

  
“You have a type yeah yeah, I’ll never understand guys who have a type. Guys like Hank. You’re not like Hank, are you?” Ed asked glaring at Wallace.

  
“NO! I don’t believe in hurting them I just…” he mumbled something quietly I didn’t hear.

  
“Yeah that’s what most of them say though you realize that?” Ed asked him.

  
“Yeah but I mean it ok? I wouldn’t hurt one of them not ever I want them to feel nice ok?” Wallace said.

  
“I fucking hate hearing that. You know how fucking gross that is that you would even just say that? I’d rather have someone punch me in the gut than hear them whisper that to me. No wonder you have no friends you’re a fucking freak,” Ed spat and got up and walked away towards the other trackers.

  
He sighed his eyes wondering around the room before he saw me looking at him again and I quickly looked away. I didn’t want to catch his attention. Finn was right about that. Finn had also told me he liked blond and thin that he liked me. That catching his eye even slightly would be a bad idea. Now I was positive he was right.

  
I saw him get up out of the corner of my eye and I sat up pulling my blanket tighter around me the movement of sitting up making me want to hiss out in pain but I managed to keep it to myself looking at my lap as he sat down on the end of my cot where my legs at been a second ago. I didn’t want me near me. I didn’t want him touching me. I closed my eyes reminding myself to breathe.

  
“Hi,” he said to me quietly, shy like. Like the time we met on the bus.

  
“Hi,” I said back not looking at him.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“Are you sure? You seem a little nervous, do you think I’m going to hurt you?” He asked me.

  
“No, I’m just tired,” I answered.

  
“Do you think you’re running a fever? Getting your mark can be pretty tiring sometimes it makes guys sick,” he mentioned.

  
“Maybe,” I agreed, “I’m just really tired. I- I wasn’t meaning to listen in. I’m sorry.”

  
“It’s ok. I don’t mind,” he answered, “I’m going to go stick my head out see if I can get someone’s attention and get them to find Dr. Palmer ok? Have him come take a look at you.”

  
He got up walking over to the door briskly and walked out. I sighed. So, he really didn’t want to hurt anyone? At least he was acting like it but he was a tracker so he must and that Ed kid said he was known for having trouble keeping his hands to himself. The whole thing just confused me. After a few minutes, he came back sitting on the foot of my cot again.

  
“He’ll be here in a little bit. I’m Wal.” he told me.

  
“I’m Will,” I told him my name quietly.

  
“I should probably take a look at it to check for infection can you let me see it?” He asked me.

  
I shook my head pulling my blanket tighter around me. I wasn’t ok with that. I didn’t want to show him my body. So, he was one of them.

  
“I’m not going to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt anyone I promise,” he swore looking at me, “I know that’s hard to believe but I really don’t. Why so jumpy about it? We’re all naked anyway.”

  
“You’re not naked you have a robe,” I pointed out.

  
“I’m still naked under the robe. It’s not like it’s not anything I haven’t seen before. I have a little brother his name is…”

  
“Finn,” I answered for him, “I go to school with him. He’s in my science class.”

  
“Ah,” Wal nodded his head, “You know anything about me?”

  
“Only what I heard you say and that Finn is your brother. You said hi to me once when I took the upper school bus instead of the middle school bus because I thought I was running late but I wasn’t,” I answered quietly.

  
“Oh, yeah. I remember that. You looked a little uncertain talking to Cole I think it was,” he said.

  
“Cole’s my friend,” I said as the door opened and everyone looked over.

  
It was Dr. Palmer and an older guy both were in their black bathrobes and had stethoscopes hanging around their necks, “Ok fellows we’re taking a look at your brands and checking vitals. Anyone who has a fever will be given antibiotics and we’ll be putting a script with your clothes for your handler to fill on the way home now which one of you is McGregor, Will I think right Dr. Palmer?”

  
“He’s over there next to Ern’s boy,” Dr. Palmer pointed at us.

  
The other guy nodded his head and came over to us, “keeping your hands to yourself Wal?”

  
“Yes sir,” Wal answered him standing up.

  
“Glad to hear. I figured you probably got the message after what happened last time. So, what’s going on here?” The guys asked.

  
“Well Dr. Huntz he complained of being really tired and he was shivering a little bit so I figured that maybe he was…”

  
“Experiencing a fever? Possibly, can you go grab me my bag I left it on the coffee table,” Dr. Huntz said and Wal left to retrieve it handing it to him when he came back, “Thank you. Now Will don’t get nervous on me but I need you to drop your blanket ok? Just so I can listen to your lungs and heart.”

  
I pulled my blanket in tighter so it was almost completely flesh with my skin. He wasn’t touching me. No one was touching me. I was not ok with that.

  
“Aww come on champ it’s ok. I know you’re still a little nervous but I’m not going to hurt you. I don’t get me wrong you are beautiful but if you’re sick that’s not going to help you. It only boosts your metabolism if you’re healthy not if you’re sick. So please don’t make me sedate you in order to make sure you’re not sick just lower it from the waist up for right now that’s all ok?” he said.

  
“I don’t want to,” I said, “Please don’t make me.”

  
He said heavily taking off his glasses and wiping them with the end of his robe, “How many?”

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“What number did your Handler roll?” He asked.

  
“It was a six I think,” Wal answered.

  
“I didn’t ask you Wallace but thank you. No wonder you’re nervous that’s a lot to take but I’m seriously not going to hurt you ok? Don’t make me restrain you or sedate you. I just need you to drop the blanket down from the waist up for right now so I can listen to your heart and breathing ok?” The Dr. repeated himself.

  
I sighed and somehow managed to unwrap myself exposing everything above my belly button really looking at myself for the first time. It wasn’t as bad as the one-time Uncle Ben had done it. Left marks all down my chest but there were a couple both of my nipples a darker shade of pink than normal the skin around it a light purple like they were slightly bruised. The doctor smiled raising an eye brow at me as I looked at my chest.

  
“You’re ok son. I promise it will go away,” he said, “Now take a deep breath in and hold for a second and then out.”

  
I nodded my head and he did that several times his hands and stethoscope cold against my skin. The feeling making my skin tingle making me shiver harder. “God please stop touching me” was all I could think.

  
“Ok heart and lungs are good.” He took an ear thermometer out of his bag and put a plastic covering on it and then put it in my ear and pushed the button when it beeped he pulled it out shaking his head, “102 yeah you have an infection all right how is your stomach feeling?”

  
“not good I thought I was just hungry,” I answered.

  
“I would say the nausea is probably just your body not doing too well. I’m going to give you an antibiotic shot and probably another pain shot because you have to be in an extreme amount of pain if you have a fever this high and then I’m going to check the site disinfect it and put you to bed. I don’t think you’re leaving until Ben is ready whenever that is. So, let’s do the antibiotic first and then we’ll take a look.”

  
“What? I…please don’t. Please I don’t…,” I trailed off.

  
“You’re going to have to sedate him for that,” Dr. Palmer said from across the room, “He’s touchy right now for obvious reasons.”

  
“Ok, thanks Vic,” Dr. Huntz called back to him, “Ok quick pokes and 3,2, now…there we go,” he rubbed the skin on my arm before grabbing another needle taking the cap off with his teeth, “This one will make you tired so I’ll give it to you and give you a couple of minutes and then be back and 3…2….and now… good job. No crying.”

  
“That’s it?” I asked.

  
“Yeah I’ll be back in a few minutes Wal can talk to you until then. Sometimes talking helps with the anxiety,” He said grabbing his bag and getting up and going over to the kid next to me.

  
“Are you ok?” Wal asked me.

  
“Just tired,” I said again.

  
“Well, no one blames you for it,” Wal said, “Six is a lot it’s the highest someone can roll did you know that?”

  
“Well it’s the highest number on a dice so I figured,” I answered quietly.

  
“My dad rolled a four for me I was around your age,” Wal said, “It wasn’t horrible but it was definitely uncomfortable.”

  
“I…” I didn’t want to talk about that. How it was my first time with more than two people at once only my second time having real penetrative sex with someone I wasn’t related to. It made it feel dirtier just thinking about it. I yawned deeply before I could stop myself.

  
“Just lay back relax,” Wal said his fingertips fluttering above my sternum.

  
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” I yelped.

  
“Wal what are you doing?” I heard a familiar voice.

  
“Nothing, what are you doing? You’re not supposed to be in here,” Wal replied turning to look at Cole.

  
“I’m off the tables. I’m stretching my legs. There’s not rules against it,” Cole said shrugging his shoulders Dr. Palmer shooting him a glance before turning back to the boy he was working on.

  
“You’re not tracked you’re not supposed to be here,” Wal said again.

  
“I came to see how everyone was doing. They’re kids they just got branded and the one you’re standing over happens to be my friend and I have a question for him so go bother someone else,” Cole said.

  
“Yeah, fine whatever. You get in trouble though they’ll tan your ass Cole,” Wal warned him.

  
“If you haven’t noticed my ass doesn’t tan just burns so thanks for the warning but I know what’s coming to me if I step out of line. Which I won’t because I don’t have that particular problem, so shoo,” Cole nearly hissed as Wal walked away, “What is up with you kid? God, are you male bait.”

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“Means everyone wants to stick you,” Cole clarified and all I could do was nod my head, “So how do you feel?”

  
“Sore,” I answered, “They told me I fainted. Everything hurts.”

  
“Yeah that’s pretty normal,” Cole said before clearing his throat, “So I met your brother.”

  
“When?” I asked frowning.

  
“Two days ago, he was here, I was here, Chad was here, Wal, just about everyone that wasn’t getting branded that’s a part of my age group because it was an induction party and not just a regular branding so…how is he doing?”

  
“I don’t know. I didn’t really get to see him before…” I trailed off. God, I missed him I just wanted to make sure he was ok. To talk to him.

  
“I’m sorry to hear that. Tell him I asked about him ok? Ask him if he’s ok,” Cole said looking around, “I would stay and talk longer but honestly you look like shit in public rest room and you’re probably tired and I’m not supposed to be here so…”

  
“Yeah, I understand,” I said my whole body still shivering slightly, “I’ll let him know.”

  
“Thanks. Take care of yourself ok? Let Dr. Palmer know if you need anything,” he said before he got up and left shooting a nervous glance at Dr. Huntz.

  
Wal stood up starting to wander back over towards me making me shift nervously as he got to the foot of my bed. Why did he want to be so close to me? Anywhere within a 10-foot radius of my person felt way too close for anyone to be standing to me.  
Dr. Palmer and Dr. Huntz both turned to look in our direction Dr. Huntz giving the death glare as Dr. Palmer came over, “Wal go sit down please,” Dr. Palmer said, “Did he touch you?”

  
“I was just telling him to lay down I didn’t touch him ok? I swear I didn’t touch him!” Wal insisted.

  
“Did he touch you? Will it’s important did he touch you?” Dr. Palmer asked me.

  
“He was going to,” I whispered.

  
“But he didn’t?” Dr. Palmer asked and I nodded my head.

  
“No, he didn’t,” I clarified.

  
“Ok,” Dr. Palmer said, “It’s ok. What makes you think he was going to touch you?”

  
“Earlier when he came over he…his hand he was…right here,” I said showing him with my hand where his had been hovering above my chest, “I don’t want to be…” I yawned heavily, “touched.”

  
“I get that. I understand it. Just lay back ok? I’m right here,” he said and I nodded my head laying back.

  
It didn’t take long for me to fall back to sleep. The next time I woke up I was wearing my shirt and had a tiny blanket wrapped around my waist and it felt like the world was moving that’s when I realized I was in the car. I sighed. I had slept while they got me ready to go home. My hip area still burning lightly.

  
“Are you awake now baby?” Ben asked me looking in the review mirror at me.

  
“Where are my pants?” I asked him quietly.

  
“Well apparently, your brand is very irritated so I was advised to keep anything away from your skin but white cotton for a while. That’s why you have gauze on right now. I’m going to be dropping you off at home and then going to go pick up your prescription. I called your Da and told him how well you did. You did very good. He’s very proud of you he said,” Ben told me, “I am too.”

  
“Proud I didn’t ask them to stop?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, you barely screamed most of it was moaning and whining which, I have to admit I’m a little jealous some of the sounds you made for them that you’ve never made for me. I mean I knew you enjoyed fingers but I didn’t know you enjoyed them that much,” he said.

  
I shifted my weight uncomfortably it taking me a second to pull myself back out of the memory of him kissing me and muttering “yeah fuck yourself on my fingers” the first or second time he ever raped me. How sick and disgusting I felt not being able to stop myself from squirming even though he made very sure I realized how much he enjoyed it. Why couldn’t I just not respond?

  
“What are you thinking about?” He asked me.

  
“Nothing,” I answered a cold shiver traveling down my spine as I shook my head trying to clear the thoughts away.  
“You want me to pet you like that? Make you squirm like that? I can after your healed of course after you feel better. Maybe I’ll be able to plan a small vacation for us make you mine again? My special boy. What do you say?” He asked.

  
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want that but I wasn’t going to tell him no. I wasn’t allowed to say no. Not ever to anything. Not when it came to any of them.

  
“Sometimes I wish you would speak more. You know how frustrating it is to speak and ask a question and no hear a reply?” He asked me.

  
“Sometimes I don’t know what to say,” I told him truthfully.

  
“Your granddad had a game he used to play it was called the quiet game. He would have sex with either me or your Da until we couldn’t take it anymore until we screamed. Until we basically couldn’t even beg we were crying so hard for him to stop. Sometimes he would make your Da out right bleed before he would finally declare him a loser because your da was that good at staying quiet. Do you think you would scream before you bled? Because you can be quiet for a long time. I bet you could compete with the best of them. Keeping silent while someone ripped you apart from the inside out.” He said.

  
“You would let someone do that? To me?” I asked him.

  
“I haven’t honestly decided yet. Why didn’t you make sounds like that for me?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know. I’m sorry, Really I’m sorry,” I said quietly trying to hide the fact that my hands were shaking.

  
He smiled at me, “It’s ok. Just try next time we’re together ok? You seem to like Barry a lot.”

  
My stomach jumped into my throat. I hated Barry. I hated what Barry did. I hated thinking about him, everything about him. Barry made me sick to my stomach.

  
“Barry likes you.” he continued, “He wants to share you. He says you’re a sweetheart which is true of course but I’m not sure what I should do. He’s offered you straight A’s skipping another grade, he’s offered me money and to pay for me to take another trip to Thailand which I did love that trip. He loves you more than he loves Gabel’s son but then again you do have less scars. He likes to make love like your Da though he doesn’t just like fucking. He likes to get close and go slow watch your face I’ve seen him do it. it’s magical really watching him hit a boy in all the right places without even trying.”

  
“You wouldn’t make me. Would you?” I asked quietly.

  
“Not if you’re good for me. You’re mine ok outside of parties, of group stuff no one touches you but me or the leader and your Da of course I can’t stop them but, even if Barry tells you to you don’t. You understand what I’m saying? And none of them get you to make a sound ever. We’ll start working on that now. Training that into you. You only make noises for me got it?”

  
“I understand,” I said quietly.

  
So, he was jealous because of a sound I made that I didn’t even remembering doing or really know what he was talking about. If I didn’t follow his rules, play his game he was going to just hand me out to Barry so he could do whatever he wanted to with me. I hated to think of what he was planning to do to train me to be quiet. To teach me not to make sounds for anyone but him.

  
It was only a couple of minutes before we turned into the driveway at home Ben hitting the remote for the gate allowing it to open not stopping until the car was in the garage him getting out and then pulling open the door grabbing me lightly by the elbow. He took me into the house and then into the laundry room giving me a pair of my boxer briefs that were white before he kissed my forehead.

  
“I have to go get your script filled ok? I’ll be back in a little while. Not too long though,” He said to me and I just nodded my head, “Go upstairs relax take a hot bath and try to sleep for a while I bet your very sore.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

  
“You know I love you, right?” He asked me.

  
“I love you too,” I said it numbly.

  
I said it because I knew he wanted to hear it. That if I didn’t say it he would get mad and that him and Da mad was dangerous as they had proved more than once. That I should just say it because it was expected of me. Because I knew saying it didn’t mean I meant it because I really didn’t. I hated him. I hated all of them.

  
He left me standing there wearing only my boxers and shirt and I made my way upstairs to find most of the lights out upstairs me not bothering to go all the way to the living room but going to my bedroom and grabbing Teddy curling myself around him like a little kid and burying my face in him crying, biting into his arm so I could scream without startling anyone.

  
I didn’t even hear mum come in but I smelled her perfume and felt her hand on my head and then heard her voice, “I’m so sorry love. I’m so sorry. You’re safe now it’s safe,” She said pulling me Teddy and all into her lap as she started humming and singing lightly to me. After a while I was almost asleep and she kissed my forehead gently moving me pulling my covers up over me and Teddy leaving us there.

  
I dreamed I was on a carousel that it was going slowly at first like normal. There was someone a head of me and I wanted to see who it was but I couldn’t so I went to move forward climbing off my horse and the music faded away the sun setting, everything going dark. Then the carousel started spinning faster and faster so fast I had to hold onto the horses as I moved in order to stay standing because if I didn’t I would have been knocked over and fallen off the whole thing at one point tripping the force of the air almost pulling me off the ride completely me catching myself and able to keep myself on just barely.

  
When I managed to finally get back on and to my knees I looked up and the person I had been trying to follow was right there. It was me. This dream me didn’t have eyes but black pools of nothingness where my eyes should have been. He leaned down the wind having no effect on him and then he shouted at me “you did this” before I looked around and noticed everything covered in blood the bodies of my little brothers and sisters laying around us, twisted and mutilated. Their eyes empty, dead.

  
I woke up in a cold sweat, shaking. I did it? I had killed them. This was me? This was my fault. I had done this to them and to myself. And I knew it. Somewhere deep down I knew it.

  
I got up and opened my bedroom door. It was dark. Everyone was asleep and I checked to make sure everyone was sleeping quietly before I allowed myself to get a drink and then checked in the nursery. Mum was in there feeding Mary half asleep with her top off and I think the door opening startled her awake before she opened her eyes wide at first and then blinked a couple of time.

  
“Oh love, I was going to come check on you in a little while because you were still sleeping. Your uncle stopped by dropped off some antibiotics for you? Can you tell me what happened? Did they do what they did to John?” She said quietly.

  
I nodded my head, “Can I tell you about it?” I asked her.

  
I know John didn’t like talking about things, didn’t want to but Finn’s words kept ringing in my head that I should tell people things that happened that way they didn’t build up and accumulate until I couldn’t take it anymore, until I thought I was going to break. Until there was nothing left.

  
“Sure love, anything you need just let me finish up here, alright? I’ve already fed Seamus so can you check to see if he’s wet and then we’ll go to your room?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head and going over picking him up even though he was dead asleep.

  
Surprisingly me moving him didn’t wake him at all as I unzipped his PJ’s and checked his bum by patting it. It didn’t feel squishy or warm and it didn’t smell so I put him back down making sure he clothes were back in place.

  
She smiled at me as she put Mary down in her Crib and started making sure her boobs were covered, “I’m sorry about my state of undress just easier this way in the night, when no one is around.”

  
“It’s ok I’m pretty sure you fed me like that when I was wee,” I answered.

  
“Aye I did,” She said putting her top back on, “Come on let’s go talk.”

  
She put her hand out beckoning for mine and I took it. Her hand was warm and soft and it felt like it fit mine just right. My mum. I remember thinking about how much I loved her how if I couldn’t talk to John about things, someone who would understand completely that I could talk to her. That maybe even if she didn’t understand she would listen to me.

  
We walked into my room and I sat down on my bed and she sat down next to me and sighed, “Whenever you’re ready. I won’t say anything unless you ask me to ok?”

  
I nodded my head, “Ben put a bag over my head like a hood thing and he ducked taped my arms behind my back. He took me somewhere. I wasn’t allowed to see where but when we got there they took my clothes away and took me to this room. They cut my hair and the put water in me. It hurt and it felt really gross and it smelled bad because it made me poop all over. Then they had me take a shower. One of the people there who is in charge he he made me…” I faltered feeling like I was choking on my words.  
“It’s ok take your time. I’m listening,” she said her eyes sad but comforting. Like she was scared about what I was telling her, like it hurt her but she wouldn’t tell me to stop. Like she knew I needed to let someone know.

  
“He took me to a room and he put his fingers in me and he…kissed me and stuff. Then he made me lay with him for a little while. After he was done he took me back to the other room they kept calling it the prep room and made me shower again. These guys came in and they had a bunch of guys my age with them some a little younger and they kept calling them ones. One was speaking a funny language. I think it was Russian. They took us to this other room.

  
They said they don’t have families anymore not real ones. They said their moms sold them and that they have new Dads. Then they took us to this big room and there were lots of guys everywhere. We were all naked. All the kids and Ben threw a dice like a board game dice and the number it landed on …they took my arms and legs and chained me up and those guys they…” I bit back a sob.

  
“Oh, my love,” Mum said pulling me into her lap, “It’s ok love. They can’t hurt you right now you’re safe. I’m going to do everything I can to keep you safe.”

  
“It hurt so bad and it lasted forever and they wouldn’t stop. And when I wasn’t looking they took the thing and they put it to my skin and it hurt so bad. They’ve never made me do anything like that before. Ben and Da with so…many it hurt.”

  
“What do you mean love?”

  
“They were all touching me the whole time. It felt so gross and sticky and I wasn’t allowed to say no. I tried to be quiet. I tried so hard to be quiet and I couldn’t mum it was…the…tickling it was everywhere and it hurt.”

  
“Love how much do you know about…reproduction?” She asked me.

  
“I know what sperm is mum I know where it comes out it…I know what ejaculation is,” I explained.

  
“Do you know what an orgasm is?” She asked me.

  
“It’s when you ejaculate,” I answered.

  
“Not exactly but it can lead to that for men yes,” she said, “An orgasm is when your body likes what’s happening so it gets this tingling tickly feeling under your skin that feels like it’s everywhere. It can be nice if you want to feel that but if you don’t it can be scary. So, I think you had a very strong orgasm.”

  
“Oh,” I said.

  
I knew Orgasms where supposed to feel good and I knew my body was telling me it felt good but for some reason before that point my brain didn’t connect the two as being related. It made me even more embarrassed realizing that’s what it was that’s where those sounds had come from. The sounds I had made that made Uncle Ben Jealous was because while he had made it feel tingly and tight and warm down there he hadn’t really spread it all over my body all at once like that before.

  
“It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Sometimes our bodies respond to things a certain way and that type of touch is one of those things. Ok? It doesn’t mean you wanted it to happen, it doesn’t mean you liked it. It just means someone touched you like that ok?” She told me.

  
I nodded my head, “It’s happened before the tingles just not that much at once before.”

  
“Ok,” Mum nodded her head.

  
“I’ve never …that many guys have never touched me before like that at once. The only time it’s happened before was Da and Ben together,” I said.

  
“What?” Mum asked me and I just nodded my head feeling my face heat up.

  
“Da and Ben took me downstairs once and they …touched me together,” I barely managed to mumble.

  
“What?” She asked me again he eyes wide in shock like she was angry, “they raped you together?”

  
“Mum, I’m sorry,” I said to her.

  
“No, you’re not. Don’t you ever be sorry for something they did. This is not your fault love. This isn’t something you blame yourself for, you understand me?” She asked me her eyes still wide and angry scaring me, “We’re getting out of here the first chance we get. Did you know John is in the hospital sick because of them? Because of what they…”

  
“Ok mum,” I said nodding my head, “I know Dr. Palmer told me. Is he ok?”

  
“He will be. It’s mostly exhaustion. I’ve been feeling a bit of it too. Your Da is hiring a nanny to help out. With the wee ones. I’ll be able to get more done he’s also hiring back the maids he fired to come in twice a week and clean. He said you did a lot of cleaning while it was just you boys and him. Is that true?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “I tried to keep them safe like John tried to keep all of us safe. If Ben was with me he wasn’t touching any of them. So, I…I slept with him at night. I didn’t tell you that before because I didn’t want you to be mad at me.”  
“I would never be mad at you for something he made you feel like you had to do. There is no reason for me to be mad at you for doing what you believed would protect your brothers. Mikey told me that he made him and Matty molest each other did you know about that?”

  
“I walked in on it once,” I admitted, “He said he wouldn’t take it any farther if I took care of him. If I …let him, you know.”

  
Mum sighed and nodded her head, “You don’t have to do that anymore ok? I don’t want any of you boys doing that for anything you understand? You and John, you need to stop. I need you to stop.”

  
“Ok mum,” I said nodding my head.

  
I understood what she was saying, what she meant but it was a promise I could make because it was one I couldn’t keep. If I could keep them from raping James again, from raping Mike and Matt I would do it. Even Matt because I loved him. He was right I didn’t like him but I didn’t blame him for the way he was. I knew it was at least partly because of them and I would do anything to keep it from getting worse.

  
“I love you and I’m working on a plan to get us away from here. Someplace safe where we can give them the journals and all the evidence we have and then we’re going to leave. Go to my Aunt Fiona’s where we’ll be safe. Don’t tell John anything. Don’t tell him where we’re going or that we’re planning to leave soon all right?” She told me.

  
“Why not?” I asked her.

  
“Because I can’t keep your Da away from him. I’m going to try and talk him out of it, out of what he’s doing to John but I can’t promise it and your Da would torture it out of him if he knew anything and he would break and say it. All your Da would have to do is threaten one of you even look at you crossed eyed and he’s spill and I can’t have that happening, not when everyone is on line. So, don’t say anything to your brother to protect his arse and ours aye?” She asked me.

  
“Aye,” I agreed.

  
“Ok, take care of yourself get some sleep. I love you. Your brother is supposed to be home tomorrow,” she said as she kissed my forehead.

  
“Night mum. I love you too,” I answered and she shut the door behind me.

  
I waited a minute or two and then climbed in the shower making sure I was clean and changing my own bandage that I didn’t show mum. I looked at it and it looked shiny and red and surrounding the thick yellow lines that were my exposed fat that had melted closed the MV glaring back at me shiny and gross. I wrapped it up and went back to bed falling back into an uneasy sleep.


	27. TwentySeven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will decides John can't take it anymore and he can't continue to watch him struggle so he has an idea. An idea to try and give John a break that John doesn't agree with which leads to more trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 399 to 419. **Warnings :** Talk of sexual abuse, mentions of past sexual abuse, mentions of suspected sexual abuse/suspected brother/brother incest, mental health issues. **Same events as the first half seven and chapter 8 in John's part one.**

The next morning I was woken up when someone climbed into bed with me starling me awake only to open my eyes and find James trying to help Andy and Lar climb over me him already sandwiched between the wall and me. It took a minute for me to process why he was there and what he was doing as I looked at them climbing into bed with me my brain still half asleep. I sighed rubbing my eyes.

  
“What’s up?” I mumbled blinking at them.

  
“Mummy won’t stop screaming,” James said quietly.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked my stomach dropping as I became fully alter.

  
“She keeps screaming about how it’s wrong. How Da is wrong and John. I don’t know why but she just kept screaming it over and over until she picked up Shay and then sat down in the rocker. I asked her what was wrong but she won’t say anything,” Jay told me.

  
“Mummy is mad,” Andy simply said hugging Lar as the they finally made it between me and the wall to sit down next to James.

  
I sighed standing up my right leg from the hip down feeling stiff, “Ok. I’ll go see all right?”

  
I got up stretching thinking they were exaggerating whatever it was. I had never really seen mum super sad just angry. But if she had mentioned John I knew it had something to do with John. Something that she wasn’t aware of or she couldn’t process for whatever reason. I knocked on the nursey door.

  
“Mum?” I asked her opening the door to find her sniffling while she rocked Shay softly.

  
“You’re Da is sick. He’s really sick and I’m so sorry but how could he like it? How could he… what has he done to him?” She mumbled the last part more to herself than to me.

  
“Mum what are you talking about?” I asked her quietly.

  
“I told your Da he didn’t like it. And so…he sounded he like he likes it. You’re Da has ruined him. He’s making him like it, he is and it’s all my fault. How could your Da even want to tape that? How could he…?” She trailed off.

  
“Mum he doesn’t like it,” I said to her, “Remember? You’re the one who told me bodies react a certain way.”

  
“That’s not…you only make those types of sounds when you want it. It’s wrong ok? It’s homosexual and it’s disgusting you don’t do those types of things. Not ever you understand me?” She hissed at me.

  
My heart sank. Is that what she thought of me too? Of the sounds that …that’s why uncle Ben was so mad at me. Because I made those sounds and now everything was going to get worse because it. Because of us, of John and me. Because of me.

  
“I’m…I think you should go lay down. I’ve got the babies mum I’ll take care of them. You’re scaring everyone Jay and Lar and Andy are in my bed because you were crying. So, can you just go take a nap? Please,” I asked her gently.

  
“No, I’ve got it. You take care of the others, alright? Karen, the new nanny should be here in a little while. I’ll go lay down when she gets here,” she told me.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head and shut the nursery door.

  
I walked down the hallway thinking about what she had said. Because he had sounded like that that he had liked it. Last night I had told her I tried to be quiet while they did things to me but that I couldn’t. That I couldn’t control it and John had done the same thing and she was saying that meant he liked it. I don’t know how she knew or where she had found out but, she knew now about him and she hated him for it. For just making a sound not even for admitting that it might feel good. I wondered how much she would hate me if she knew I wanted to hold hands with another boy.

  
“Are you ok?” Jay asked me.

  
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I answered.

  
“Then why do you look like you’re about to cry?” Jay asked.

  
“Is he going to cry?” Cat asked having joined the rest of my young siblings on my bed.

  
“No guys, I’m not going to cry ok?” I said quietly, “I’m just tired is all.”

  
“Are you sure?” Jay asked me.

  
“Yes! Jesus! I’m fine!” I snapped, “Now go play or something.”

  
“Sorry,” Jay said timidly, “Come on guys let’s go play kitchen.”

  
He reached his hand out wiggling his fingers as Lar slipped off the bed grabbing his hand before she wrapped herself around his waist burying her face in his hip. She might not have been saying anything but I knew it was because of me because my outbursts had startled her.

  
Laura was never really outwardly emotional almost like every emotion she showed was subdued somehow or very carefully calculated unless she was with Andrew interacting with him. She was very quiet and sweet usually but when she got scared she always clung to the closest person that made her feel safe which was often Andy or one of us, her older brothers.

  
“Don’t be mean,” Catty said wrinkling her nose.

  
I sighed, “I’m sorry ok? Really, I’m…I’m sorry. I’m stressed it’s not your fault and I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m sorry guys.”

  
“Will’s sad?” Andy asked Jay who looked at him before he nodded. Andy frowned at me his baby face wrinkled in confusion, “I make it better.”

  
He walked over to me and hugged my leg me already being fairly tall. I was only 10 but I was already 5’2 only an inch or two shorter than mum and John who were actually the same height at the time John being a very new 13 with Christmas only a week or so away. I smiled ruffling his hair. He was right his hug actually did make me feel better, feel loved. Feel not so afraid that if mum hated me I would be alone because even if only for a little while he’d still love me anyway no matter how gross I was or how much mum hated me when she found out those things about me. They all would at least until they were old enough to understand how gross it really was.

  
“I’m sorry guys,” I said this time closing my eyes and taking a deep breath so I didn’t cry.

  
It was hard not having anyone. Knowing I couldn’t tell mum those things and John was sick and at the hospital and there wasn’t anyone that understood the next two in line being Mikey and Matt who were at the age where they could kind of understand but then they wouldn’t all at once. Matt probably not able to care even if he did understand how afraid I was.

  
“Hey, it’s ok Will,” Jay said seeming very mature for his age, “it’s ok to be sad sometimes.” he said before he hugged me too.

  
“I’m just tired,” I said again.

  
“I’ll play with them. I think you need a nap,” James told me making me smile through my tears. There he was. There’s my kid I thought.

  
“Thank you,” I told him and he nodded his head as we heard the lift come to life making us both turn and look in that direction through the wall like we could see the lift moving both frowning.

  
“Is mum going downstairs?” I wondered out loud.

  
“Probably,” Catty said.

  
“Do you guys know about the new nanny?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, she told us,” James said and that’s when it hit me that Matty and Mike were missing, “What’s wrong?”

  
“Where are Mikey and Matty?” I asked.

  
“In the game room playing Mario,” James said, “They wouldn’t let me play and then mum came upstairs crying and really weird so we came in here.”

  
“Oh,” I said nodding my head, “Well, I’ll lay down in a little while.”

  
Just then mum called us out into the hallway and then I heard her yell, “Mike, Matt you too everyone in the living room,” and I heard some groans all the way for the game room before I heard stomping and footsteps following down the hallway towards the living room somewhere behind us.

  
When we went the living room there was a girl standing there. She was older than I was a lot older but I could still tell she wasn’t really a grown up. She had black hair cascading down her shoulders barely touching her waist pulled back from her face using a head band and she wore a shirt with lace around the chest just below her collar bones exposing some of her creamy white skin and it made me wonder what she was so dressed up for. She was here to baby sit. She blew a bubble with the gum she was obnoxiously chewing and smiled at us.

  
“Everyone this is Karen our new nanny she’s here to help me. You can ask her for homework help, to play with you those types of things she’s also here to help me with Mary and Seamus and Mac because I’ve been really tired lately,” Mum told us.  
“Hi everyone, it’s nice to meet all of you,” She said putting on a smile that was too big to be real before looking at mum, “Who is who and how old is everyone again?”

  
“Everyone why don’t you introduce yourselves?” Mum said smiling at us as Andy decided to cling to my pant leg again while Lar did the same to Jay burying their faces in our legs.

  
“I’m Will I’m 10,” I said to her.

  
“I’m Matt and this is Mike we’re twins, we’re 8,” Matt said.

  
“Does Mike not talk?” Karen asked frowning looking at mum.

  
“I talk just fine,” Mike quipped.

  
“Sorry, I didn’t know,” Karen said speaking to one of us for the first time.

  
“I’m James I’m 6,” James said to her, “And this is Laura and she’s 2.”

  
“I’m Catherine but everyone calls me Catty or Kitty I’m 4 and half,” Catty said.

  
“Wait what did she say?” Karen asked mum.

  
“She said she’s Catherine but we call her Kitty or Catty and she’s 4 and half,” I said before mum could speak, “And this is Andrew he’s 2 as well.”

  
“Oh ok,” She said smiling at me, “You’re only 10 isn’t there one more?”

  
“I’m almost 11,” I said to her, “John’s not here right now he’s sick.”

  
“Why wouldn’t he be here if he was sick?” Karen asked.

  
“He was in hospital for a while but he’ll be home shortly,” Mum answered her question, “If you would please come with me and I’ll introduce you to your youngest charges.”

  
Mum smiled and waved her away to the nursey and Matt looked at me. His eyes said he didn’t like her. That he liked her about as much as I liked her. Which wasn’t at all. There was something off about her I’m not sure if it was her air of arrogance or what but, she seemed like a bitch.

  
“So, what do you think?” I asked Matt and Mike.

  
“She’s ok I guess?” Mike asked.

  
“No, are you kidding me?” Matt scoffed, “She treated you like you were retarded.”

  
“So,” Mike shrugged his shoulders, “She doesn’t know us.”

  
“You two are different,” I pointed out, “The identical thing kind of…throws a wrench in a gears a little bit.”

  
“What?” Mike asked me frowning.

  
“It’s an expression,” I said, “It just means you’re a little different.”

  
I watched Matt’s face as he shot me a glare. He knew what I meant. That that’s not all I meant. I meant they were weird because they were. They were very weird especially when they were together which was probably why they no longer had classes together because they acted more normal when they were apart. If they were together they would just play with each other and no one else. They had proved that time and time again and still did every day when they excluded James when it came to playing video games and other things like that.

  
“So, he’s mine,” Matt said suddenly.

  
“I’m not yours,” Mike said frowning.

  
“I meant you’re my twin you dodo,” Matt said.

  
“Oh,” Mike replied.

  
That was not what he meant. I’d heard Da and mum have that fight before. The words coming out of his mouth echoing in my head. He meant Mike was his like I was Ben’s like we were all Da’s. He knew I understood that’s what he meant too. The way he was looking at me a slight smile playing on his lips.

  
Mike sighed and tapped Matt on the shoulder and bend close whispering something in his ear to which Matt replied “Yeah, I know sorry.”

  
“What?” I asked them.

  
“Nothing,” Matt said, “Can we go play now?”

 

“Yeah, go ahead,” I said shaking my head slight, “But let James play too take turns.”

  
“I get to play Mario?! YES!” James exclaimed excitedly racing Matt and Mike down the hall back to the game room.

  
“Is Karen supposed to play with me?” Cat asked me.

  
“I think she’s more to play with these two and the babies but I’m sure if you ask her to play with you she will,” I told Cat before I picked her up making her laugh, “Why do you want someone to play with?”

  
“I wanted to play dress up and I know you don’t like dress up and James never wants to play dress up anymore and John is always busy and Andy and Laura just put the dresses on all wrong and then want to take my Barbie’s,” She told me.

  
I sighed. She was right I did not like dress up it was weird and the clothes were too frilly. I was not a lace and silk kid. I was gay but that didn’t mean I enjoyed pink taffeta gowns and opera gloves.

  
“I will play dress up with you,” I said as she let out a tiny excited chirp, “On one condition.”

  
“Yeah?” She asked in a hush tone.

  
“I get to pick my dress,” I told her.

  
“Deal!” She crowed grabbed me by the hand and nearly dragging me down the hallway.

  
We went down the hall to her room and her dress up chest was already open dresses and high heels and costume jewelry already strewn about the floor. It looked like a small tornado had ripped apart the room. As she cleaned a space on the floor for me.  
“Come sit, you need to pick out your jewelry first,” She told me.

  
“Do I have to wear Jewelry?” I asked her.

  
She sighed folding her arms in front of her like she was contemplating the answer, “Well, just a necklace.”

  
“Thank you,” I said plucking up a big long chain with a cheesy locket on it and putting it around my neck, “now for a dress.”

  
“Do you know why mummy is sad?” She asked me suddenly.

  
“She didn’t really specify, no,” I answered, “I think it’ll be ok though.”

  
“Why are you acting funny?” She asked me.

  
“I’m not,” I said picking up a weird blouse and frowning at it before throwing it to my right watching it sail through the air and land on a bare spot of floor.

  
“Yes, you are,” She insisted, “Are you mad?”

  
“No Kitty I’m just tired,” I said, “Just really tired.”

  
“Everyone is I think. I think Da keeps everyone up all night,” Cat commented.

  
“Why would Da keep people up at night?” I asked her, “What makes you say that?”

  
“I don’t know I just think he does. It feels like John is always sleeping too and now you. It sucks because then no one wants to play with me,” she said.

  
“Well, I’m sorry you feel like there isn’t anyone to play with but Da’s been kind of mean since we left home so it’s been hard. I’m hoping things will get better but I don’t know,” I explained.

  
“Mean to John?” She asked me.

  
“Mean to everyone,” I answered finally finding an old lavender dress. It was some weird suit jacket and dress combo and started to pull it on over my head.

  
“You’re supposed to step into that one it has a zipper on the side,” She told me.

  
“I see,” I said standing up and realizing that I probably had to take off my shirt at the very least in order to get the dress up my arms, “Crap.”

  
I didn’t want her seeing that my hip was bandaged and I really didn’t want her asking or seeing what was under that bandage. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing to be honest. Agreeing to play dress up having been a horrible idea.

  
“What if I ask Jay to play dress up with you? Do you think he would play?” I asked her.

  
“You said you would,” she said frowning at me.

  
“Yeah but, I can’t fit in this dress,” I told her, “And I can’t think of another one I want to wear.”

  
“What about the blue one?” She asked me holding up a sleeveless long dark blue sequence ball gown.

  
It wasn’t horrible looking for a dress. It didn’t have lace but I wasn’t thrilled with the glitter. Even though I honestly wasn’t thrilled about any of this not really being a dress person myself. I highly enjoy pants personally. I feel much more comfortable in pants than I do a dress and that is why I honestly believe whatever higher power there is made me a guy. I sighed and held it up.

  
“Ok,” I said throwing it on over my head,” Does this work?”

  
“Lip gloss,” She said, “I know you don’t like make up but lip gloss and then we can have tea.”

  
She held up a tiny powder blue dress with a fluffy skirt and tiny little embordered flowers all over the bodice and put it on as I smeared the tube of clear liquid across my lips making them shiny. She looked at me and smiled, “Ok now we’re going to go for tea.”

  
“You know here they call it lunch, right?” I asked her.

  
“But it’s tea. Afternoon tea,” she insisted.

  
“Right,” I said nodding my head because it was true enough. She did grow up hearing it called afternoon tea or tea. She then handed me a hat and pair of lace gloves, “Yeah sugar, no. I’m not going to do that.”

  
“Come on Will!” She begged.

  
“I feel adequately accessorized,” I said and she laughed at me.

  
“What does that mean?” She asked smiling.

  
“It means I’m wearing lip gloss and locket so I feel pretty good about the number of extras I’m wearing. So, I’m going to stick with what I have.”

  
Just then there was a knock on the door and Karen opened it up, “Catty I’m or…” She tailed off frowning at me before a smile broke out over her face, “You look very beautiful what’s your name? William?”

  
“Do I look like I want to wear a dress? And don’t call me beautiful,” I said.

  
“Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed the morning,” she muttered, “I’m ordering pizza are you cheese pizza person Cat?”

  
“Actually, she’s pepperoni I think most of us are honestly. James though he’s cheese so I would order two pizza’s one half pepperoni half cheese and one pepperoni the whole pie,” I summarized.

  
“Thank you,” Karen said, “I’m ordering a garden salad too is that ok?”

  
“Yeah. I’ll eat it and so will mum,” I told her.

  
“Your mum went to go lay down actually she seems really tired,” Karen said, “But I’ll save her some. She said to remind you that you need to talk an antibiotic and change your dressing. Whatever that means.”

  
“Oh yeah,” I said standing up still feeling slightly stiff and went to go take off the dress over my head.

  
“You’re supposed to wear it to tea,” Catty told me.

  
“I’ll come back here and put it back on ok? I promise,” I said, “I have to go take care of something and then I’ll be coming out and joining everyone for tea.”

  
“Tea? You mean lunch?” Karen said giving us a weird look and I just nodded my head, “Probably about 20 minutes from the time I order so like half an hour from now ok?” She said to me and I nodded before I stood up patting Cat on the head and then going into my room.

  
I pulled off my shirt and pants throwing them on the bed and then slowly started undoing the tape that was holding the gauze against my skin peeling it off and hissing. The skin was still tender and red but it didn’t hurt as much as it had before I rested somehow the napping I had done had made me feel better and I was thankful for that. I when I was almost done tapping my new gauze over my brand my bedroom door bursts open.

  
John was standing there the smell of alcohol coming off him in waves and he looked at me shaking his head, “He fucking digit,” he slurred.

  
“Really? Are you serious?” I sighed shaking my head grabbing my pants and putting them back on.

  
“Ablot wha?” He mumbled.

  
“Come on, you’re taking a nap,” I sighed making sure I had at least some clothes on before grabbing him by the arm mum coming up the hall and grabbing his other arm gently.

  
“No Iiiim fin,” He slurred nearly falling over his eyes closing slightly.

  
God, was he drunk. How did you even manage to come home from the hospital drunk at the age of 13? What was going on with my family? I felt completely and utterly overwhelmed helping mum throw him into the bed where he almost instantly started snoring.

  
“Mum what happened? What’s going on?” I asked her.

  
“He’s just, he’s not doing well,” Mum said quietly.

  
“Obviously but where did he get the…”

  
“Your Da. Where else?” She hissed at me making me blink at her in confusion.

  
I hadn’t done anything yet she seemed pissed at me. Da was the one who had taken John to that stupid party. That party where someone had done something to him to make him seriously ill that had landed him in the hospital. Da had done this to him and to me. And he was doing it to everyone else too. It was only a matter of time.

  
After that I went back to playing with Cat the dress went back on and I helped her clean her room while wearing it before everything started to wind down for the day. Mum went back downstairs at some point and by the time it was around 7 I was starting to fall asleep on the couch when I noticed John standing in the shadows of the hallway stretching and walking over to him quietly to check on him.

  
I sighed with relief to find he seemed more tired than hung over or drunk and looked at him closely, “Hey,” I said quietly.

  
“Yo,” John mumbled stretching and rolling his shoulders as if trying to push stiffness out of his back.

  
“You ok?”

  
“I’m here,” he answered a small sad smile playing on his face, “You?”

  
“Same,” I answered shrugging my shoulders covering my mouth with my hand as I yawned, “Mum’s not doing well.”

  
I rolled my shoulders as he had done feeling sad, my chest feeling slightly tight as I realized how tired and thirsty and worried I was going into the kitchen and opening the minifridge where we kept all of the drink and pulling out a bottle of water, John following me.

  
“I know; Did she tell you what Da did?” He asked me nodding his head in thanks at me when I handed him a water.

  
“Well to be honest Da’s been doing a lot of things while you’ve been gone,” I answered feeling a cold shiver that wanted to pass down my spine.

  
He had let Uncle Ben take me to that place, the Villa and let those guys do those things to me. John barely being home more than an hour or so before they had whisked me away putting that stupid hood over my face and making me lay down in the car for hours only to make it there and have my clothes taken away. Have the leader make me do those things before other people raped me.

  
“When I saw your hip, I figured that,” John said quietly.

  
“It’s not that big of a deal I wasn’t there for two days like you were it was only like a couple of hours. It was just a bunch of weird dudes and then they branded me. Uncle Ben took me. At least they didn’t really do a lot I guess. I mostly got to sleep and talk to kids from school so it was whatever,” I said trying to minimize my experience.

  
I didn’t want him worrying about me. I didn’t want to give him a reason to drink more or mum to lock herself in her bedroom away from us. Because I felt like that’s where this was going. Now that Karen was here she wasn’t needed as much and she knew it so I felt like she was going to give up and walk away. Leave us with them, with him even if not physically then mentally.

  
She had done it before. When I was little and it was just John and the twins and me. Her and Da would fight badly and then she would lock herself in a bedroom for days and wouldn’t talk to anyone. At the time, she was also pregnant with James and the others too. So, then John and I had to take care of everyone while Da worked. John and I were left to rock them to sleep and change their diapers while mum refused to even look at us for anywhere from three days to maybe a week at a time. It was hard and scary especially when after having such a long day he’d come into our room at night.

  
He’d tell me that I was so good at helping, such a good boy and then he’d insists I was helping him more when he did those things to me. Touched me like that John not moving staying dead asleep in the bed on the other side of the room probably because he was so exhausted from keeping everyone safe or so he thought.

  
“It is a big deal Will. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I should have been there, it should have been me,” he said slouching and folding his arms in front of his chest like he was cold.

  
“It already was. Remember?” I said shrugging as I pointed out the obvious.

  
Ben hadn’t wanted him. He had wanted me. He had wanted me in that house with him. He had wanted me tied down and all of those men on me. He hadn’t wanted John so he wouldn’t have taken him and I knew it. It didn’t matter what John thought nothing would have changed it or stopped it from happening.

  
“How did it go? Was Uncle Ben like actually around or…?” John trailed off.

  
“Isn’t he always?” I sighed, “I think he was told he couldn’t touch me though because he threw me in the back when he decided to make me go there. He barely talked to me or looked at me the whole ride. Not that I could see. He like put a bag over my head so. It is what it is I guess.”

  
“Don’t say it like that. Don’t let them make you think that. This isn’t ok,” John said.

  
“You really think I don’t know that? You really think I don’t realize how bad this is?” I asked him surprised he would think I was trying to dismiss it like it was no big deal.

  
I wasn’t trying to belittle it or make it seem not as important or scary as it was. I was just trying to tell myself it could be worse. Because I felt like it probably could be. I felt this weird crushing anxiety in my chest every time I thought about it. About what the future would be like if we couldn’t get away from them. How they would take my brothers and my sisters and make them into things instead of allowing them to grow into people. How since we had been there James had gotten quieter and quieter how it seemed like he barely spoke anymore, barely shared whatever was going on inside his head with me. That scared me. That scared me almost as much as Matt’s behavior did.

  
“I don’t know what we’re going to do. I’m afraid mum is going to do that thing she used to do when we were little. You know how she used to just like disappear into a bedroom for days. Sort of like the lights are on but there’s no one home type of deal. I hate it when she does that,” I shared my fear with him.

  
“Well can you blame her? I mean after what Da did,” he asked shifting his weight nervously and brushing his hair back with one swoop of his hand.

  
“What exactly did Da do?” I asked, “She still hasn’t really told me what happened but earlier she was rambling and really upset. She didn’t say what he did though. If it’s something that is going to make her leave us alone you have to tell me because if she can’t be normal after today it doesn’t look good for us even with the new nanny.”

  
“I know,” John said shaking his head and closing his eyes taking a deep breath like he was trying to calm himself down because his eyes roved over the two rooms briefly glancing at Mike and Matt his shoulders going stiff, “Come on I’ll tell you in my room.”  
I sighed and went down the hallway going into his bedroom and I turned on the light and shut the door. Whatever this was it wasn’t something he wanted anyone to overhear. It was something he was ashamed about or was afraid would scare them. Something they were probably too young to hear.

  
“What happened? What did he do?” I asked feeling like my voice was catching in my throat because I was sure whatever it was he had done was bad. And that he had done it on purpose to torture John and to upset mum.

  
“He didn’t bring me home the morning. He brought me home yesterday afternoon and took me downstairs…you know,” he paused his face starting to flush pink, “to that room. I uhhh…I didn’t want him to hurt anyone so… I don’t remember too much because he gave me enough booze and it’s kind of foggy but there was a camera…” he said his hand coming to his mouth and hovering in front of it almost like a butterfly thinking of landing but afraid to do so the next words barely coming out at all, “I’m pretty sure he showed mum.”

  
“WHAT!?” I asked feeling my mouth drop open in shock as the word came out louder than I had meant to utter it.

  
He had really done that? He had videotaped John with him and then shown mum. Why? Why would he do that? What was the point of doing that? It made sense. What mum had said about noises. That you didn’t make sounds like that if you didn’t like it. Da had made her watch a video of Da hurting John, doing things to John. My stomach dropped. If he did that to John because mum was upset what would he do to me? Would him and Ben tell her.

  
I swallowed the lump in my throat, “Are you ok?” I asked quietly.

  
“I’m here,” he replied.

  
“that’s why you were so pissed earlier.” I muttered more to myself than to him.

  
“I’m still slightly,” John said a small smile playing on his lips “don’t tell.”

  
“You’re beyond stupid you realize?” I told him shaking my head at him, “Just because all those guys do it doesn’t mean you have to as well. You know what you’re going to do to your liver. You know how bad alcohol is for someone?”

  
“My liver, for now so I’ll do as I please,” John said a smug look still playing on his face as he took a sip of water from the water bottle he had.

  
I was beyond shocked. He was killing his liver and Da was making sure mum hated him and herself and everything else and all he was doing was drinking and acting like he didn’t care. What was wrong with him? Was he really that stupid or did he just hate us?

  
“That’s going to make her even worse, you drinking and then guess who has to take care of everyone else while your pissed off your ass and she’s completely out of it and can’t get out of bed? The new nanny and me and let’s face it Karen isn’t a great nanny and she seems kind of stupid,” I said feeling like I wanted to scream.

  
“You sound like your my age. And I wouldn’t know if she’s stupid or not I haven’t met her yet, remember? Where is she anyway?” he frowned looking around the room like she was going to pop out of the closet at any second.

  
So, he really was still slightly drunk. Awesome. I was having a conversation with my 13-year-old drunk brother who was supposed to be not drinking for one and two was supposed to be helping me take care of everyone and make sure mum was ok. He didn’t seem to care he was destroying his life or anyone else’s in the process as long as he was drunk he didn’t care or so it seemed.

  
“Well someone has to act your age because you’re not and she only works from like noon to five she left while you were sleeping,” I hissed, “I really hope mum will be ok. Do you think she’ll snap out of it soon?”

  
“I don’t know. I might have accidentally mentioned something else that she didn’t know,” he said.

  
What? What else didn’t she know? Why would he do that? What was wrong with him? Had Da really screwed him up that badly he wanted mum to be a zombie in a bedroom somewhere?

  
“What do you mean something else?” I said trying to keep my voice even.

  
“I might have mentioned Hank. Mum said she got a call from CPS and you know that’s who they’ll send, him and someone…” I cut him off what the actual …?

  
“John, you didn’t? Please tell me you didn’t,” I said shaking my head, “You didn’t tell her who he is did you? Because I’ve heard he’s worse than Uncle Ben.”

  
Cole had told me all about Hank at one point. People talked. While I hadn’t spent a lot of time around Hank and had only really interacted with him at the airport when we got there I had seen him driving away from the house once or twice before. I wasn’t stupid I knew why he was there and why he was leaving but, I wasn’t going to confront John about it.

  
I wasn’t about to make things worse for John because I knew how John was. How he reacted to things. The last thing he would want to do was talk about something like that and I wasn’t going to push him. John was private. He was quiet. Where I sometimes felt like I needed to let someone know and where Finn had said it might help to talk about it and it seemed like it did I knew that wasn’t John. That wasn’t how he dealt with things and I wasn’t going to make him talk to me about things.

  
However, with him drunk apparently he had no problem telling anyone anything. Including me and mum because if he had told mum about Hank who knew what else he had said that he didn’t remember saying or didn’t care he told her. This was insane. Mum was never going to leave whatever room she huddled herself into again.

  
He licked his back molar his mouth opening in that tiny o that always indicated that’s what he was doing. Usually it meant he was nervous or lying about something. I sighed. What else had he said to her?

  
“What John?” I said.

  
He just shook his head at me doing it again. What wasn’t he saying?

  
“John geeze just tell me what you’re…” I stopped.

  
He had told her. He had told her about Hank and what Cole had said to me was at least partially true. Otherwise he wouldn’t be trying to hide it from me. He didn’t want me to know how bad it was. What Hank was doing to him probably because he knew how worried and upset I’d be just like I made myself feel so alone when it came to Ben because I didn’t want him to worry about me when he already had so many things to deal with and I knew it.

  
“So, it’s true then? What Cole said that Hank has a thing for…” He cut off my words snapping at me his body language going stiff.

  
“Don’t. Just don’t I don’t want to…” I stopped him from finishing.

  
I knew he didn’t want to talk about it. Like I said that’s not how John dealt with things, “Ok then we won’t talk about it. I’m ok with that. I don’t need to know if you don’t want to tell me.” I sighed thinking of something else to talk about, “When I was there at that place this guy I know Cole, he asked about you.”

  
“He did?” John asked one of his eyebrows cocking up in surprise.

  
“Yeah. He told me to let you know that he was thinking about you that he hoped to see you again some time,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “I feel like things are going to get harder. Do you feel like things are going to get harder?”

  
“I don’t know,” John said, “I don’t see them getting any easier. Not with Uncle Ben and Da.”

  
I dawned on me that maybe Da was like John’s Ben. That he made him do it all the time. That he made John do things with people. Let people hurt him but then made his body feel weird. I wondered if John understood how Da could love him and still do that because I sure didn’t get it.

  
“John?” I said.

  
“Yeah Will?” He answered sitting up a little straighter like he was trying hard to be brave to listen to what I had to say.

  
“I overheard Da say something about …about the special relationship you and he have. What did he mean?” I asked.

  
His tongue went to his back molar like he was trying to keep himself from saying something him shaking his head slightly, “Really?”

  
“I’m sorry,” I started feeling like I had done something wrong, like it wasn’t right to ask him about it because I knew he wouldn’t want me to, like I shouldn’t ask, “I just…” he stopped me from speaking.

  
“Will don’t, ok just don’t. If you think you’re missing anything you’re really not. Trust me, my relationship with Da is not healthy,” he told me.

  
I knew it wasn’t healthy but if Da let people do things like that to him when he loved John so much what was he going to let people do to me? What was Ben going to let people do to me if he was worse than Da? What was going to happen to any of us if that’s what they thought about us, how they treated us?

  
“Da’s nicer to you though than anyone else, he cares about you more than anyone else,” I said, “He says he doesn’t but it’s true.”

  
“And you want to know why? Because I don’t fight and…” he paused gulping slightly, “God, Will really? You really need me to talk about this? You know how hard this is? How hard life is for me and you want me to just lay it out there?”

  
“I just want to understand,” I said not wanting to elaborate. Not wanting to tell him I wanted to understand what was coming. What they were going to do to me and to everyone else. That not knowing felt like a clamp tightening me down digging into my skin more and more as the days went on. That not knowing was almost worse than them actually doing things to me.

  
“I’m not sure I understand it myself,” he sighed sitting down on his bed.

  
“You spend a lot of time with him you know?” I pointed out.

  
“Yeah,” he agreed sighing before leaning his elbows on his knees and putting his head in his hands for a second.

  
“All I know is Da doesn’t get upset about things Uncle Ben does to me. Not like he would be if he did the same things to you,” I said trying to figure out how to best word my worries.

  
“It’s not a relationship you want, trust me,” John said shaking his head.

  
“But I think he loves you. I don’t think he loves any of us but you,” I insisted.

  
“Will listen to me carefully. Very carefully, ok? It’s not that kind of love. You don’t want him to love you the way he loves me I promise you,” he said measuredly.

  
Did he think I didn’t realize what Da had done to him? That Da had made him have sex with him? Raped him. Of course, I didn’t want that relationship with Da. I just wanted him to care enough to keep Uncle Ben away from me. Not that I ever thought he would but I was afraid that Barry, that those guys at the party that all of that stuff was going to get worse and I felt like I couldn’t take it. Like it was too hard and like maybe if Da cared more it wouldn’t happen.

  
Sure, Da raped him. I knew he raped him but he had taken him somewhere. When we were little he used to take John out all the time. All of us places all the time like to the movies and the zoo, football games. Those were things he always seemed so thrilled to do with John and it had always felt like I was just the third wheel. The tag along.

  
“But he does other stuff with you other than… you know. He takes you to the movies and out to lunch and stuff or at least he has in the past,” I insisted.

  
“Will listen up, you know that one time he took me out after we got here, right? To the doctors and out to lunch? He took me to a Chinese restaurant and there was a room set up in the back of the building. He handed me over to some guys and let them do what they wanted to me while they filmed it. Does that sound like real love to you? Does that sound ok?” he said his voice wavering a little bit and his lip trembling like he was trying not to cry.

  
That’s when it dawned on me. How he was gone that whole day and then his arm was broken and he was home really late that night, “And that’s when…” I trailed off quietly.

  
“That’s when my arm got broken because they shackled me down and I tried to get away before they had my arm unshackled,” he finished.

  
“Why haven’t you told mum about your arm?” I asked him.

  
“Has he ever made you… huh I don’t want to say it,” he mumbled taking a deep breath, “has he ever made you, you know “happy?” before?” he asked cautiously.

  
I felt my face go slightly red, “You mean like does it feel good sometimes? Like do I get an erection? Yeah. I mean I don’t like it but it’s like normal. I think,” I said.

  
“geeze, I need a fucking drink I can’t talk about this,” John said sighing heavily.

  
“John? John it’s me, you’re ok I’m in this with you. You can talk to me,” I assured him.

  
He looked so scared. His hands shaking slightly as he looked at me. He looked so confused. Had Da brain washed him into thinking that wasn’t something that happened? That there was something wrong with him because he got an erection when Da touched him like that? I understood the mechanics of it. That that was something that was supposed to happen but it still made me feel bad about myself when it happened to me to.

  
“I don’t know if it’s because of what’s going on with my body or what but for me it’s at least once every time, like every time and he likes that so he, I don’t know ok. I don’t know but it’s not right Will. It’s not and I’m not ok with that,” he told me not able to look me in the eyes.

  
“every time? For real?” I asked.

  
For me it still wasn’t like wet every time. It was more like I got an erection every time and those tingles traveled up and down my body every time but Ben didn’t always make sure I orgasmed. Sometimes he was more focused on himself than on me and looking back I think that made it easier at the time. Easier than how John had it. I didn’t realize Da was like that at the time and was confused by what he meant. That Da, that was his goal to make sure that John felt that every time.

  
“yeah. Don’t tell anyone please,” he pleaded barely above a whisper.

  
“I won’t, I promise,” I swore.

  
I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his fault. That maybe it was just his body. I hadn’t been with Da lot at that point. It was mostly Ben. And like I said Ben was rough often and he didn’t always push me to orgasm. Sometimes it was just about him and what he wanted. Sure, I always felt something but very often he stopped before I climaxed.

  
“I think he’s going to want to see me tonight,” he said after a while hugging his knees to his chest.

  
“Do you want to?” I asked him confused.

  
Surely, he didn’t want to do that. He had to be scared or nervous about it like I always felt, right? Knowing that it was going to happen and then stuck in that place where he had to wait and see what he was actually going to do. If Da was actually going to come. He seemed so broken. So, fragile sitting there like that. His knees pulled into his chest hugging them, like he was trying to embolden himself and accept it and he was struggling to do so.

  
“No, if I don’t he’ll take someone else though and he’s like you said he’s different with me then he is with everyone else,” he told me sighing finally looking at me his face so sad, his eyes seeming so lost and so scared.

  
I couldn’t let him do that. He was doing that for me. For our brothers. I couldn’t go to sleep that night knowing that my Da was raping my brother, making him feel that and hate himself so that I could sleep and I could be ok. That’s when it dawned on me what I should do. That if I really cared about John I should do for him what he always did for me.

  
“I can do it,” I said quietly looking at him closely watching his reaction.

  
“Will, no!” he said loudly shaking his head vigorously.

  
“He’s not as bad as uncle Ben, I’ll be ok I can deal with him and you need some help John. You need serious help,” I insisted.

  
He did. He was drinking every day to the point where he was drunk, I was pretty sure. He was in this place where half the time he didn’t care about anything anymore and he was sleeping all day. I barely saw him and when I did he mostly either seemed angry or about to cry. I knew he needed a break and at the time I didn’t know.

  
I didn’t know what Da was like because I had only been with him maybe three or four times. Like that. And only the one time had really been alone. I had no idea what he was really like. How bad he was. How, everything you thought you knew he could make you question.

  
“You can’t Will ok, I’m fine I can deal with it as long as I don’t fight he’s gentle,” John said his voice shaking at the last word him falling silent looking at his knees again.

  
“That doesn’t make it ok John. You’re drinking every single day, you’re beyond tired. You just got out of the hospital, let me. I’ll be fine I promise.” I insisted.

  
“Let’s put the boys to bed,” John said before he stood up opening up the door.

  
He was right we should. It was late, it was time to get them to go to sleep and I followed him out into the living room sighing when I saw both of them still with controllers in their hands staring blankly at the TV. Their movements mirrored as they bobbed and bounced with the controllers and the screen.

  
“Hey guys, it’s time for bed,” I said to them as John stood there behind me.

  
“We’re almost done,” Matt said not looking at us, “Give us five more minutes.”

  
“No,” John said, “It’s time for bed now. You can restart in the morning ok?”

  
“Seriously?” Matt sighed as Mike rolled his eyes, “You just distracted him and now he’s dead.”

  
“Well, it’s bed time Will’s right,” John said again, “Come on, go brush your teeth and we’ll be there in a couple of minutes.”

  
“Are you guys going to bed too?” Mike asked us.

  
“Yeah, soon,” I said nodding my head.

  
I was really hoping John would go to bed soon. I was hoping he would go to sleep before Da or Ben showed up. That way maybe they would spare him and I’d be able to intervene and everyone else would be safely tucked away. Safe where Da wouldn’t turn to any of them instead if he did come.

  
“Go on,” John said taking the remote from Matt touching the top of his head as Mike set his down on the couch.

  
Matt wrinkled his nose in annoyance but didn’t say anything about it heading down the hall. I sighed. What was up with them and video games? Them and never being apart.

  
“Man, you would think this was life itself,” John muttered hitting a bunch of buttons and going into the menu to shut it down.

  
“Yeah, you would think,” I agreed, “They hardly ever do anything else. I remember when we were that age we used to go outside.”

  
“I still would,” John commented, “I like it outside. Outside its…” he got quiet.

  
“Safer?” I questioned nodding my head, “Yeah. I don’t know it feels like outside even if they were there they’d be less likely to touch …” I said the word sending a shiver through my body.

  
Touch. An action. An action of using the tactile senses. An action of manipulating something. An action that sometimes felt like they were killing me from the inside out. Something that I dreaded.

  
“Hey, why don’t you go make sure they are brushing their teeth while I shut this down?” John asked, “then we can move to the family room and watch some TV maybe. You know since school’s out and mum’s not up right now.”

  
“Yeah sure,” I said nodding my head before walking down the hall and knocking on Matt’s bedroom door. When I didn’t hear an answer, I opened it to find the room and bathroom both dark. The red room was empty tonight meaning they were probably in Mikey’s room together so I quietly shut the door and went to that room instead opening the bedroom door after a small knock.

  
They were both leaning over the sink their faces close to the mirror tooth brushes in their mouths but Matt was standing behind Mike on his tip toes leaning over him. His hand resting lightly against Mike’s right hip because both of them were left handed just like the rest of us. It looked weird. Not right.

  
It reminded me of Ben and Da, Matt’s body language how he seemed to dominate the contact. How even though Mikey seemed ok with it he still seemed slightly uncomfortable at the same time standing a little too stiff as he leaned forward. I think that was the first time it really dawned on me that maybe Matt wasn’t just cold and violent in the general sense and that when he said Mike was his like he had told Karen earlier I was not mistaken.

  
That he had meant it like Ben meant it when he said I was his, when Da told me I belonged to Ben. He wasn’t just using our brother to lean on or have physical contact with him he was marking him. Dominating him in such a subtle way that most people probably wouldn’t have noticed it. That most people looking at it probably wouldn’t even realize anything was wrong.

  
“Matt what are you doing?” I asked him as he spit his tooth paste into the sink and rinsed his mouth quickly.

  
“Brushing my teeth like I’m supposed to. Why?” he asked me.

  
“Nothing,” I answered as Mike copied Matt.

  
If Mike didn’t say anything about it, I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it. Looking back maybe I should have but at the time I was 10. I had my own problems and I was worrying about my older brother and how I was going to convince him it was ok for him to go to sleep. That it was ok for him to let someone help him even if my only idea of helping him was to put myself in a situation where I didn’t have control and I was going to be hurt and we both knew that was what I was going to be doing.

  
I had so many things to worry about that saying something, making a big deal out of it when while it made Mike uncomfortable he didn’t seem to be scared of Matt or angry and he didn’t push him away seemed silly. So, I let it drop as Mike climbed into the top bunk.

  
“wait, I was going to kiss you goodnight,” I said.

  
“We’re big we don’t need goodnight kisses right Mike?” Matt asked him as he climbed into the bottom bunk.

  
Mike was silent for a moment frowning like he was hurt. Like maybe he wanted a kiss but he didn’t want to argue with Matt about it before he said, “Yeah Matt’s right we’re big now. Goodnight kisses are for babies.”

  
“Ok, well good night you two. I love you,” I told them.

  
“We love you too,” Mike said before he rolled over as I turned off the light and shut the door.

  
I checked on the babies and ended up having to change some diapers before going back out into the living room finding John staring blankly at the TV before he spoke without looking at me, “What took you so long?”

  
“Mary and Mac needed to be changed. I don’t know if mum is going to wake up to feed them,” I said.

  
“She will. She always does she’s just quiet about it when she’s like this,” John said nonchalantly.

  
“You’re sure?” I asked him feeling skeptical.

  
“Yeah I’m sure. This used to happen when we were little sometimes. You probably don’t remember that part because you were like just old enough I could take care of us but not old enough to really remember a lot about it but she used to get really depressed like this and no one ever died and babies need a lot of food so she has to be feeding them.”

  
“I remember there were days where I wanted her and she wouldn’t leave the room she was holed up in. I remember you going off somewhere and not being there and Da not being there either and so I would just lay in bed with her in the dark because she wouldn’t come play with me. I remember you raiding the fridge because I had trouble opening it and getting me jello and apple sauce and cookies and stuff and feeding me that way after you got home from school,” I said and he looked at me cocking his head to the side.

  
“You remember all of that?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said, “I didn’t know why she wouldn’t leave the bed or why she didn’t want to play with me but I remember you always taking care of me when you were there.”

  
“I was at school. Nursery school but still school. Da was at work and usually when I got home I’d give you food because she didn’t always feed you or herself when she was like that but she always fed them. Probably because all she has to do is sleep walk into the nursery and pull her tit out. But yeah ummm she always seems to take care of the babies. She loves you guys, she does she just get tired.”

  
“You mean like we get tired?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he said nodding his head leaning back into the couch, “I don’t know how Da treats her anymore but, I remember being little and him not treating her very good. I know you remember some things but I’m not sure how much.”

  
“I remember yelling. A lot of yelling. I remember that you used to hide me in the closet. Throw me in there with a flashlight and some hot wheels and shut the door and tell me I shouldn’t open it again until I heard mum’s voice.” I told him.

  
“You were really little when that happened. She was …She was out a lot she was pregnant I think it was with James or maybe even Mike and Matt probably Mike and Matt they were like high risk so she had a ton of doctors’ appointments all the time and she would either leave us home with Da or…” John went silent for a second and his lips rounded as he exhaled deeply through his mouth, “Or Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben wasn’t safe and Da could be not safe too so I hid you. Because if I was there and they couldn’t find you they’d be too busy to look so…” he trailed off.

  
We both went silent. That was the first time he had ever out right told me why he did that. Why he used to put me in the closet and tell me to play hide and seek and that mummy was it. That I couldn’t come out until I heard mummy’s voice. Even when we were that little they were hurting him.

“How old was I?” I asked him.

  
“I wasn’t very old I was maybe 5 so you had to be around 2 or 3,” John answered, “You were good at it though. You always waited until you heard her and then you’d come out. Even though I think I got the idea from mum because I remember her doing the same thing at night sometimes. She’d randomly come into the nursery in the middle of the night and she’d wake us both up and put us in the closet in the guest room and tell us not to make a sound until she said our special word. It was go-go. Like go-go gadget like inspector gadget. And it would be a fort inside the closet and she’d tell us to stay there. Sometimes it would be all night before she came to get us. It would take me forever to fall back to sleep because it’d be so loud. The stomping and the yelling.”

  
“Do you think he hurts her?” I asked suddenly.

  
“Yeah,” John said nodding his head, “I mean he doesn’t treat us very well and he’s not married to us so…” he shrugged his shoulders.

  
I don’t know why it didn’t dawn on me to ask before. That maybe he hurt mum too. Probably because I was kid and even though I was a smart kid there were things I didn’t understand. Things that didn’t make sense. Like it didn’t make sense to me why we were there. Especially not after John said he suspected that Da hurt her too. Why would you want to stay with someone who hurt you? It didn’t make any sense to me.

  
We watched TV in silence for a while me pulling out my book and reading as I sat next to John on the couch. After a while he sighed and stretched leaning back into the cushions, “It’s getting late. You should go to bed.”

  
“So, so should you,” I said putting my book down and that’s when I heard it causing both of us to look over. I instinctively scooted towards him.

  
It sounded like it was coming from the walls. I didn’t know the stair case was there at the time. I didn’t know what it was but it was spooky making my heart pound. John put his hand on my arm squeezing my elbow gently as he whispered, “Will you need to go to bed now.”

  
That’s when the pantry door opened and Da came out looking smug, relaxed. My eyes never left his direction. I remember wondering about the stair case thinking it was weird. That it was weird we had secret stairs and wondering why he’d want them. The idea not crossing my mind that he’d want to sneak around to be quiet at night.

  
“Why are my two oldest still up and wide awake?” he asked looking at us his eyes roaming over both of us as we sat on the couch together.

  
I shifted nervously my knees pointing inward as I glanced down at them like they always did when I got nervous and I noticed John was sitting the same way, on the edge of the couch feet touching the floor knees pointed towards each other touching, thighs locked together squeezed tight. At the time it didn’t make sense to me why I did that until I saw John sitting like that.

  
That it was a natural position we subconsciously took because we were trying to keep peoples hand’s out of our crotches because while we didn’t have vaginas to penetrate sitting on your ass with your legs spread and being relaxed wasn’t exactly going to protect you. Wasn’t going to prevent people from sticking things in there where if you squeezed your legs together as tightly as you could all of your muscles contracted making it harder to spread your legs if they wanted you to. It made them work to pull your knees and thighs apart, made it harder for them even if it wasn’t by much.

  
I don’t know where I found the courage or why I was so bold. Especially because I remember on the inside feeling like stone like I always did but I took a breath and said, “Well we were discussing who you were going to hang out with tonight.”  
Da chuckled a little bit, “That’s different.” he smiled his eyes lighting up with excitement, bad excitement, “You mean I get to choose?”

  
John sighed heavily scooting closer to me so we were hip to hip sitting there on the edge of the couch, “Da don’t…”

  
“John behave,” Da snapped sending John a warning look, “Why don’t we go downstairs and discuss this?”

  
At first I wasn’t sure why he wanted to go downstairs and discuss anything. I didn’t think there was anything to discuss. He was supposed to leave John alone and spend time with me so John could sleep. So, John could feel safe for once because he never felt safe. Why was that something that needed to be discussed?

  
“Ok,” John mumbled barely above a whisper giving one nod of his head as he stood up.

  
I remember it hitting me then. That discuss didn’t really mean discuss just like Ben teaching me wasn’t really him teaching me anything. He wasn’t choosing. He was making us both go. My brain felt like balloon popping everything feeling a little fuzzy for a second a numbness spreading from the root of my hair downwards like someone cracking an egg over my head as I stood up nodding numbly.

  
I headed down the stairs following John without saying anything. My whole being felt numb in this way I still can’t explain. Like anything could have happened and nothing would have mattered. I don’t know how I got it to work but it was almost like a part of my brain shut down because I was so scared and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop what was going to happen.


	28. Twentyeight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will and John get dragged downstairs and when Will thinks it's over he makes a huge mistake that cost both him and John dearly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> page 419 to 437. **Chapter 7 and 8 in John part one.** This is very graphic. At least as the writer I felt it was very graphic but the way it's described and worded is very fitting for Will's personality. So I stuck with it. Please don't hate me. **Warnings:** Rape/non-con, forced underage kissing, forced anal fingering, forced oral, forced anal toys, forced intercrural sex, a little brother/brother action forced.

“Can I have something to drink?” John asked when we made it out walking out the other pantry downstairs that apparently seemed to link to the one upstairs.

  
“Not tonight, I think it’d be good for you to take a break baby,” Da said as he came up behind us going past me and grabbing John around the waist squeezing tightly and sniffing the back of his head.

  
John shivered. I couldn’t see his face because it was so dark and I was standing behind them watching them but I knew John didn’t want this. That he was scared and struggling to keep calm.

  
“But Da it’s right there,” I heard John say quietly.

  
“Now be good and set a good example for your brother,” I heard him mutter before he pushed John slightly forcing him to move forward and start descending the basement stairs Da turning around to look at me, “Are you coming Will?”

  
I sighed and nodded my head. Yeah, this was happening. He was going to rape us both or worse make us rape each other. That was something I really didn’t want. I knew it would eventually happen but, the idea of it would make me panic if I thought about it. If I allowed the thought to run across my mind.

  
I started breathing deeply, slowly trying to keep myself calm as I walked down the stairs. When Da reached the bottom, he hit a light that lit up the hallway making it so I could see. Him then opening the door to that bedroom. The red bedroom downstairs where Uncle Ben always took me when it wasn’t in his bedroom.

  
I walked through the door and then something inside me just stopped. Like a switch flipping. That frozen taking me over and I heard Da sigh switching on the light and closing the door, locking it. As soon as the door was locked he grabbed the hem of John’s shirt trying to pull it up as John did his best to hold it down him squeezing John’s wrists to get him to let go, “You want to show your brother how good you can be, right?” Da said to him managing to pull John’s shirt over his head.

  
He kissed forcefully pushing him backwards, almost like a vampire going in for a throat kill. John balling his hands into fists as Da pushed him backwards into the bed John bouncing slightly as his body hit the bed back first. Da’s hands went to his PJ’s and Da pulled his pants and underwear off in one move and throwing them on the floor before Da climbed-on top of him biting and licking his neck again before Da shrugged himself out of his own clothes.

  
I heard John gulp closing his eyes as Da ground their pelvises together Da pinching his hips and waist, gripping hard making John grimace his whole-body tense. This was something John wasn’t ok with I could tell. He looked like he was in pain. Like he wanted to tell Da to stop but that he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t because Da would beat him if he did.

  
“Will?” Da said not even turning to look at me, his eyes still on John as he reached his hand out in my direction beckoning me forward, “Come here.”

  
I didn’t know what to do but I figured that he would hurt John if I didn’t obey. If I didn’t do what he said so I somehow found the strength in me to move forward towards the bed, towards him. When I got close enough he grabbed me by the elbow forcing me forward onto the bed and rammed his tongue into my mouth holding onto the back of my neck so that I couldn’t pull away as he leaned backwards slightly on John’s legs his hand in their laps.

  
John’s legs were slightly spread trapped under Da’s legs. John probably couldn’t have moved his legs if he tried all of Da’s weight sitting there. John covered his face with his hands his chest heaving like he was struggling to breathe, struggling to think as Da’s hands went to my shirt and instead of forcing it over my head grabbed it by the collar and ripped it down the center the sound making me cringe before he undid my zipper on my jeans.

  
Da broke the kiss turning to John. John’s hand on Da’s arm, the arm that was in his lap. Da leaning forward into him and grabbing him by the back of the neck just like he had done to me, making it so he couldn’t break the kiss my stomach jumping as John seemed to except it.

  
Da then putting his one hand on John’s hip as the other continued to hold the back of his neck until Da broke away breathing heavily both their chest heaving as John kept his eyes closed trying to slow his breathing. He was trying to relax even though you could tell by looking at him he was anything but relaxed. Da starting to kiss down his cheek and jaw bone into his chest causing John to let out a small moan his eyes flipping open in shock at the sound leaving his mouth his face instantly flushing red as Da licked his right nipple.

  
Da’s left hand reached out and he grabbed me forcing me to lay down on the bed so close to John our shoulders were touching before he leaned over and shoved his tongue in my mouth again before I could protest. Him only breaking the kiss again when he could no longer breathe leaving us both gulping air. His hands were all over John, all over me. His right-hand caressing John down there only for him to run it up the side of his body and touch his nipple and his cheek his other hand on my upper arm holding me down making sure I didn’t sit up, that I laid there next to them. After a minute, he yanked me forward and sideways in one motion making me roll onto my side.

  
“Kiss,” he told us John’s eyes going wide as he looked at Da shaking his head.

  
“No, No,” John said finally starting to struggle shooting me a frightened look, putting a hand lightly against Da’s chest like he was trying to push him off.

  
“Come on baby. Be good and kiss him like you kiss me,” Da said squeezing my bicep and pulling me closer to John before grabbing me by the back of the neck and forcing us to face each other mere inches apart looking at each other.

  
He wasn’t going to let us go if we didn’t do it. The pressure on the back of my neck increasing by the second as he started to squeeze in an attempt to get what he wanted. I closed my eyes telling myself not to think about who it was. That if I just did it maybe he would quit hurting us. Maybe he would stop.

  
I placed my hand on John’s cheek rubbing my thumb gently against his jaw John’s eyes wide and fearful like he was scared of breathing too hard. Like he was scared he was going to hurt me, “John, It’s ok. Come on,” I said my nose brushing his lightly as I maneuvered my head kissing his closed lips before I managed to slide my tongue into his mouth.

  
It felt slimy. I remember it feeling slimy and warm. I don’t know what else I was expecting. I mean it’s a mouth and I knew my mouth didn’t exactly feel cold on the inside but something about it felt less liquid and more sticky, gummy. It was weird.  
“Hot,” Da muttered before he pushed me back forcefully by the shoulder and he grabbed one of John’s legs by the inner thigh before shifting his weight back forcing John’s leg up onto his shoulder making John gasp as he did something to John I couldn’t see before he started kissing and sucking on John’s collar bone the sound of his lips against John’s skin creating suction. It sounded obscene sending a shiver through my whole being. He was really doing this. He was going to do this to him in front of me. He was going to rape my brother in front of me.

  
John bit hard into his bottom lip his eyes closing as Da started kissing down the center of John’s body somehow licking his way as well as he smiled into John’s skin as he looked at me. Him watching me watch him. He left a trail of wetness on John’s skin his tongue hitting John’s shaft making John make a hissing sound in protest. I remember thinking how weird it looked to see John already hard his head slightly pinker than the rest of his skin as Da licked across his tip sending a shiver through John’s whole system before he licked up the back of John’s shaft using his lips to tease John’s scrotum and then lifted it his tongue trailing over his hole before diving inside of it making John’s whole body jump as he whimpered.

  
And before you call me a pervert I was ten. I hadn’t even watched a porno before to me it was like watching a train wreck it was horrible and awful and I just couldn’t look away. John bit hard into his lower lip his hands curled into fists at his sides as he struggled to breathe the muscles in his thighs seeming to vibrate with effort.

  
That pressure in his body probably him trying to fight it as hard as he could. His breathing escaping in hard small gasps with every inhale as Da’s tongue traveled up and down his ball sack and the area behind it. Da’s hand moving up and down John’s shaft as Da moaned and made loud sucking sounds against John’s skin until both his legs were shaking trying to push in on Da’s head, trying to lock Da out of the area. Trying to block his access to which Da stopped smiling taking John’s length into his mouth. John made a sound that I took as pain sounding somewhere between a groan and hiss my Da’s amusement evident as he sucked harder before there was a light popping when he pulled away kissing John’s hip as John laid there panting his eyes still clenched closed.

  
“That’s my baby, my good boy my ____.” he said kissing John’s hip again.

  
I remember my stomach dropping even farther. My throat feeling tight. I had never heard that expression before not ever but I knew it was bad. That that was something you shouldn’t call people. Just hearing it made me feel dirty and Da wasn’t even directing it at me or touching me.

  
It seemed like John’s whole body had gone limp Da grabbing a tube next to him on the bed by my feet and squirting some onto his fingers making John’s body jump like he had just been electrocuted as Da laughed pulling his fingers out, “It’s ok baby just making sure you were ready that’s all. I want you nice and open. Let’s show your brother how good you can be, ok?”

  
John kept his eyes closed and didn’t say anything. Didn’t respond. I don’t know if it was because he just wasn’t present like he was off somewhere in his head or because he was embarrassed or maybe a little bit of both but he didn’t seem to react to it at all. Da pushed into John causing to grimace and bite his lip in response.

  
I looked at John as the bed moved slightly Da leaning forward and kissing his chest and chin. His head was thrown back, his mouth open in a silent scream his whole body seeming beyond tense. The look on his face saying he just wanted it to stop. Wanted it to be over as Da rocked into him moving him forward towards the head of the bed slightly a tiny moan escaping John’s mouth before he rounded his lips exhaling deeply, slowly.

  
“That’s my good boy, my little _______ huh?” Da muttered.

  
There it was again. That word again. My brain was trying to understand what it meant the two times he uttered it throwing me for a loop because like I said before I was 10. I had never heard that word before and I knew a lot of words. I remember thinking “so this is how Da is different? This is how Da talks to him when he…”

  
“You feel so good inside, ready to take all the cum I want to give you, that’s my baby, my beautiful baby boy,” he muttered into John’s chest as John started moaning his eyelids twitching each time he heard a noise escape.

  
It was almost like he wanted to be quiet. Like he didn’t want to make any sound for Da but he couldn’t control it. I understood that feeling. Not wanting them to know what it felt like, that it felt like that but not being able to stop yourself from feeling that way, from making sounds. How badly that hurt inside. Not being able to keep quiet Da moaning loudly making me jump.

  
“Right there baby that’s it, oh god yeah, that’s…” Da said throwing his head back as his rocking increased John wrapping his legs around the back of Da’s knees because Da was making him thrash around to the point where he was probably getting whip lash as Da kept going until he let out what sounded like a long painful low grunt still on top of John.

  
“That’s my good boy,” Da cooed running a hand through John’s hair kissing his cheek, “That’s my boy.”

  
Da looked at me and smiled, “I think I tired him out what do you think?” He asked me.

  
I felt myself blush. He knew I had been watching that I had heard and seen everything and I felt ashamed for not being able to turn my head away, for wondering if that’s what he had shown mum. A video where he was doing that. Wondering if he knew how much Mum seemed to hate John now. Wondering if John knew too. If Da knew mum would hate me if he did that to me too.

  
“Did it look fun?” He asked me and when I didn’t answer he sighed heavily, “You watched the whole time. You’re going to fucking speak to me.”

  
What was I supposed to do? Lie and say yes or tell the truth and say no and then get smacked around on top of whatever he was about to do. He was still hard. He could go again and I knew it. I knew he was going to and the odds of it being John again were slim John still laying there trying to catch his breath, covered and sweat and his insides coated with Da’s ejaculate his whole body probably feeling sticky and gross.

  
“I asked you a question William answer me. Did it look fun?” He asked me.

  
“Da please,” I said barely above a whisper his face darkening.

  
“Don’t start that. Your brother just showed you how to be a good boy. I expect you to follow his example,” Da hissed climbing off John and straddling my hips before I could move away, before I could even try to get away, “If you can be good we’ll go slow. I can be nice or I can hurt. It’s up to you.”

  
I sighed closing my eyes and nodding my head. I didn’t want it to hurt. I didn’t want it to feel good either but it was one of those decisions you make that just sucks either way. Like choosing whether you want to cut off your leg or your arm it just sucked and either way you were screwed. However, one was easier to physically walk away from.

  
“Good.” He said more to himself than to me nodding his head before he laid fully on top of me kissing my cheek, “Good.”

  
He started kissing my neck moving into my shoulders his tongue feeling wet, his spit feeling sticky. I was shaking, I was so scared I was shaking. His tongue trailing to my sternum before he spoke against my skin tickling me, “Are you still sore honey?”

  
I nodded my head trying to swallow the stone in my throat. Maybe he was asking so he would change his mind? Because he knew. He knew how many people had…raped me. What they had done to me.

  
“I’ll go slow, warm you up first,” He said licking a trail down my stomach.

  
I slammed my hand over my mouth digging my nails into my cheek. I didn’t want to make sounds for him. I didn’t want him to know what it felt like. That it was too much. That I couldn’t control myself if I didn’t feel pain.

  
He laughed a little into my belly button, “Someone got a little rough.”

  
Him saying that caused me to look down to notice again the tiny scratches on my hips and bruise below my belly button where someone had sucked too hard. How could he want to do this to me? I remember feeling numb but thinking that, thinking how could he want to hurt me. I looked over at John noticing how still he was, his eyes still closed his breathing having slowed down.

  
“AH!” I gasped into my own hand as he lifted up my penis kissing and sucking at the area underneath.

  
It felt weird. It was something they didn’t usually do like that. I remember feeling my face heat up as I realized what he was doing, felt what he was doing. He was going to do what Barry did. The things that…I wasn’t ok with that.

  
It took everything in me not to beg him to stop because I knew begging him to stop would get me in trouble. Would end with me in more pain or worse him hurting John or someone else. I remember whimpering as his face went lower the feeling of my heart pounding against my chest it physically hurting as I tried not cry. As I tried to be quiet so John didn’t have to hear it happening, didn’t have to worry.

  
That’s when I felt his tongue there. Making my throat feel like it was closing up making me close my eyes and try to push myself away so that I was somewhere else anywhere else.

  
“Da,” I whimpered not able to keep my protest to myself anymore. I wanted him to stop, I needed him to stop my body feeling frozen, feeling slimy and sick and gross.

  
He stopped smiling at me before he squirted whatever was in the tube on the bed into his hands, “Yeah? You know I can make it feel really nice, right? Make you cum a ton. If we were alone I’d want you to sit on my face you taste so good.”

  
My brain balked at the idea. Sit on his face, sit on his fac…oh. Did people actually do that?

  
“How would you breathe?” I asked before I could stop myself my face instantly going red.

  
I hadn’t meant to say it. But my brain couldn’t wrap around the fact that people actually sat on other people’s faces. Couldn’t wrap itself around the fact that was a thing. He laughed lightly as he slid a finger into me making me hiss in surprise.  
“I’ll show you another time,” he said his eyes twinkling in amusement as I gasped from the feeling of him pushing his finger in there so quickly, “A little too fast?”

  
I nodded my head. I was still sore from what they had done and I couldn’t imagine my body taking to any type of intrusion any type of penetration. I grabbed the sheets and balled them in my fist locking my jaw to keep myself from screaming.  
“It’s ok honey, you’re doing so good,” he muttered laying down beside me on the opposite side that John was his position forcing him to bend over top of me to keep his fingers in there but he did something when he moved hitting that spot making me whimper.

  
“Daddy please,” I begged squirming.

  
“I know. it’s ok, I know,” he whispered into my ear as I mewled.

  
I remember feeling how hot my face was wondering why it had to feel like it did. Why it had to hit that spot like it did. I shook my head finding it harder and harder to stay calm. Harder and harder to stay silent and not cry my whole body feeling like it was shuddering with the effort of trying not to move, not to wiggle away. I wasn’t sure how this was going to work my body just sore from his finger as he added another one making me yelp.

  
“Is it sore in there?” He asked me and I nodded my head in response, “Ok. He said, “We’ll do it the other way. Can you lay on your stomach for me?”

  
I nodded my head and rolled over his hand rubbing up and down my back pressing slow circles into my skin. I sighed with relief because this wasn’t going to be real sex, real rape. It would be easier and then he’d stop and be done. He squirted some of the gel from the tube onto the back of my thighs the coldness making me jump in shock as he hushed me whispering against the skin of my shoulder.

  
He pushed my thighs together lightly groaning and gasping as he started rubbing in-between my legs his hands cupping my ass as he bucked his hips forward just slightly before laying on top of me kissing the back of my neck and shoulders.  
“God, you feel so good. You feel even better inside but, I don’t want to hurt I want to make sure you feel good for being such a good boy,” he muttered into my skin kissing up the back of my neck and behind my ears.

  
He started rubbing his penis in-between my legs. It providing enough lubrication that it didn’t hurt just felt sticky the tip poking against my underdeveloped scrotum sending little zaps and tingles through my system. I hummed moaning with my lips close fisting the sheets trying to breathe.

  
“You like that huh honey?” He asked, “Because it feels really good to me. Not as good as other things but, that’s ok.”

  
His hand started rubbing my skin softly up and down my sides as I closed my eyes trying to focus on my breathing, trying to focus on the fact that after this it would probably be over. That after this I could leave and John. John could leave.

  
He started going faster jostling me just like he had John making me gasps for breath. Once he hit a speed he liked he started grunting and moaning loudly. I felt his body spasm and then the wetness, the stickiness covering me between my legs and he peppered the back of my neck with small kisses. Stilling before he rolled off me. I thought he was done, that he was going to tell us to leave but instead he pulled me up against his side holding me there and did the same to John against his other side.

  
I waited there. Waiting for him to loosen his grip. Waiting for him to snore before I felt John tap me on the shoulder lightly going stiff for a minute waiting for Da to awaken but instead he continued to sleep me turning to look at John once I realized Da was still dead asleep.

  
“Are you ok?” He mouthed at me his eyes turning to look at Da’s face without moving the rest of his body like he was waiting for him to move as well.

  
I rolled my eyes and mouthed “Do I seem ok to you? What was that John? I’ve never seen that before.”

  
“What?” He mouthed back his brow wrinkling in confusion.

  
I took a deep breath and then tried again, “What was that? I have never heard you sound like that before. Not you, not anyone.”

  
He smacked himself on the forehead a look of exasperation on his face. He looked like he was utterly upset as to why I was asking, what I was saying. He huffed closing his eyes and shaking his head.

  
I put my hands up. Obviously, my question had made him angry for some reason. I knew he couldn’t control it, but it felt weird, wrong and dirty. Laying there naked with my brother and my Da. Da having just had sex with John, just having molested me to finish himself when John was too worn out to move.

  
John climbed off the bed standing his knees shaking slightly as he stopped when Da moved rolling over in his sleep facing the empty spot where John had been before. John sighed with relief and continued towards the bathroom stopping and turning with the door open looking to make sure I was following him. Once I was in the bathroom John shut the door behind me and we started talking making sure we kept our voices low.

  
“I don’t know what to say John,” I said hugging myself around the middle lowering myself to the cool tile beside the tub as he did the same near the sink.

  
“Sorry,” John said not looking at me, probably afraid of the judgement he might see there.

  
“I’ve never seen that side of you before,” I said calmly.

  
I really hadn’t. He tended to keep most of his panic to himself the only other time it was super evident after he had come home, after the villa. I could tell he hadn’t enjoyed it but how impossible it was for him to keep silent. The way he seemed like he was trying his damnedest not to cry or say no. Just like I had.

  
“Yeah with good reason,” he hissed nearly biting my head off.

  
“If I didn’t know any better I would say…” He broke off my words.

  
I was going to say “if I didn’t know any better I would say you were going to cry,” but he didn’t give me the chance to finish.

  
“I wasn’t; geeze how did mum put it?” He said looking at the ceiling as if the answer was written there, “It’s a physical reaction to physical stimuli? I think that’s what she said. I wasn’t the only one who made noises,” he said looking at me his expression hard to read.

  
He was right I had made noises. I wasn’t going to deny it. I hadn’t expected him to do those things. He had never done them like that before. Paying exclusive attention to everything behind my penis instead of my penis itself. I hadn’t been ready for that. I hadn’t been ready for Da to do the things Barry did to me.

  
I covered my mouth with my hand so John couldn’t see my lip starting to tremble taking a deep breath before I spoke, “He’s never…huh,” I paused closing my eyes to keep myself from crying.

  
“You get me to tell you stuff all the time,” he said.

  
That was true he did tell me things all the time even though it was something that he didn’t enjoy doing. Sharing what they did, how they hurt him. He was right I owned him. I owed him some explanation.

  
“He’s never exactly licked me like that before,” I managed to get out without stuttering.

  
“Oh,” John simply said going silent for a minute before he sighed and shook his head looking at me, “You know that got me the first time too? So, it’s ok. It happens. Apparently when I’m pissed I get more verbal he’s told me that so…” he exhaled loudly.

  
“You were pretty verbal out there,” I pointed out.

  
“He’s not usually so…” he trailed off.

  
He was right. He wasn’t usually like that, with me anyway. So eager. Like he had gotten excited with me but his hands had felt rough this time, rushed. Like he was chasing a high, looking for a fix to feed a hunger that he couldn’t satiate.

  
“I know what you mean. he’s never been that eager. It was like he tried to push all the right buttons,” I said feeling my face heat up thinking of how even though it had hurt his finger had found that spot easier than they ever had before, the thought making me blush.

  
“Yeah,” he said quietly barely even a whisper before he ran a hand through his hair looking me in the eyes as he asked, “Can we keep this between us? like Just us, like all of it?”

  
“Yes,” I answered nodding my head, “Do you think we can leave?”

  
I wanted to go upstairs. To shower. To get him off my skin. To make myself feel better. John shook his head.

  
“No, we have to stay. If we leave he’ll get angry and if that was him happy with us together I don’t want to know what him angry and wanting us together would be like,” he answered.

  
“Do you think he would….” I trailed off gulping.

  
Everyone said their Da’s made them have sex with their brothers. He had gotten pretty close to doing that. As close as he had ever made us go anyway. I figured it would happen eventually but I didn’t want it to. Having sex with my brother was not something I looked forward to because for one he was my brother and two it was just gross. I didn’t find John attractive at all.

  
John sighed and nodded his head.

  
“EWW!” I exclaimed rather loudly, “That’s gross.”

  
“Yeah,” John agreed, “I didn’t need my first kiss to be with my brother.” He made a face like he was going to be sick to his stomach.

  
I was his first kiss too? I thought about how he would feel if he knew that. That my last first was gone because someone had taken it from me and it was him. He would never forgive himself even if Da had forced him to do it.

  
“That was your first kiss besides Da and Uncle Ben? Are you kidding me?” I asked putting a hand over my mouth to hide the fact I was so shocked.

  
“Wait it wasn’t yours? Where did you get a kiss from? you’re 10.” He asked putting me on the spot.

  
I had to come up with a lie and fast. I wasn’t sure for a second and then I thought of this one girl I used to hang out with in nursery school before we had moved to London, the first name that popped into my head.

  
“Marcy Nickels, it was a dare at school during recess. It wasn’t a big deal,” I said hoping I was convincing, “It was weird because it didn’t have tongue. So, that was a little confusing because Da and Uncle Ben always…”

  
“Use tongue? Yeah,” he finished my sentence, “Did you give you her some?”

  
I felt my face glow a darker shade of red. I figured if I was going to lie about it I might as well lie hard, you know go big or go home, “Well, it didn’t feel like a real kiss without it so…yeah.”

  
“Really? What did she do?” He asked me his mouth falling open the look on his face almost making me laugh making me feel slightly better about lying.

  
I would rather he think I had at least one normal experience with someone even if it was a lie than think I was just theirs. That I wasn’t anyone that mattered. Some poor sap that had about as much of a chance at a normal sex life one day as North Korea had of becoming a democratic state.

  
“She smacked me,” I answered.

  
“Who knew my little brother was such a ladies’ man,” John said shaking his head and smiling nudging my shoulder almost laughing.

  
After a while the excitement died down both of us going quiet. Going silent thinking about how Da was asleep in that bed on the other side of the door. How when he woke up if he wanted to he could do things to us or worse make us do things to each other. and we had no right to say anything about it. No right to protest.

  
“I don’t want to go back out their John,” I said quietly swallowing the lump in my throat.

  
“I know. It’ll be ok though. He’ll come after me, not you,” he said seeming sure of his answer.

  
“How do you know?” I asked.

  
“The same way you do,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Why is he so into you?” I asked it dawning on me again that Da cared about John in a way he didn’t care about the rest of us.

  
“I think it’s because I’m the oldest,” he answered, “Who fucking knows? It could be anything. It could be because I have red hair like mum, because I’m entering puberty, because I’m the oldest because I always kind of just offer it up so no one else has to take it. I honestly have no idea.” he said sounding almost angry shaking his head, “And now I need a fucking drink.”

  
“I think the last thing you need is a drink,” I sighed.

  
“No trust me. My skin is crawling. I need a drink,” he insisted.

  
“What do you mean? Your skin is crawling?” I asked, “I’m not sure I get it.”

  
“You can’t still feel him?” he asked me his forehead wrinkling in confusion, “Like you know when your foot falls asleep? Yeah? It’s like that only it’s in my dick.” He hissed.

  
“You mean like when someone sticks their finger in your belly button but it’s not going away?” I asked him trying to find a comparison I understood.

  
While I felt that while they were doing things to me, and sometimes after for a short amount of time after I showered it always went away. After I showered everything always felt better. Was he saying that wasn’t the case for him? That he had to walk around feeling that all the time. Just thinking about it made my stomach hurt.

  
“Yeah,” he answered nodding his head not able to look at me. It seemed almost like he was ashamed.

  
“Isn’t there a name for that?” I asked him curious if he knew anything about it.

  
“I don’t know a perpetual case of blue balls maybe?” he said smiling slightly and shrugging his shoulders his eyes still on the floor.

  
Someone knocked on the door and we both jumped like five feet in the air John scrambling to his feet, “boys,” Da called through the door, “come out here.”

  
I stood up too John making sure I was behind him putting his arm out to push me backwards as he opened the door. Da coming into view smiling. his eyes doing that thing where they traveled from the tips or our toes to the very top of our heads. the smile on his face the one that made my whole body turn to stone. That smile they all gave us. Every one of them.

  
“Will you can go if you like,” Da said as he grabbed John’s good arm pulling John towards him and twirling him inward his hand fastening around John’s waist pulling him into his chest, “Go on. Before I change my mind,” he said his eyes trained on John like an animal that had found its prey.

  
I didn’t know what to do or say. If there was anything I could do or say. I knew John didn’t want to be left alone with him. I could see it in his face but he smiled a sad smile at me nodding his head, encouraging me to leave, to just get out of there and go.

  
I felt the lump in my throat choking me. He expected me to walk away, to just …go when I knew what Da was going to do to him. That he was going to hurt him some more. I felt so torn because I knew I couldn’t do it again. That I couldn’t even do it right the first time Da wanted me. That my body couldn’t handle him that time and he and I had both known it and it would be the same this time maybe only two or three hours having passed.

  
I felt my chest get tight like I was going to cry John mouthing the words, “It’s ok, go on I’ll be fine.” At me as he continued to smile, nodding his head.

  
They stepped aside so I could leave the bathroom following me to the door of the red room watching me unlock and open it, stepping out into the hallway before shutting it behind me as I turned to look at him one last time. As I turned to let him know how sorry I was that I couldn’t save him. that I couldn’t stop Da from doing this to him.

  
When he closed the door, I sighed putting my forehead against the wood breathing deeply trying to calm myself down. The wood of the door felt cold against my forehead and strained to hear to see if I could tell what Da was doing to him but I couldn’t even hear the low timber of Da’s voice through the door or wall. It was quiet out in the hall. Too quiet.

  
“Hey,” I heard a voice from the top of the stairs making me visibly jump as he started down the stairs towards me.

  
I started backing up each step he took forward me taking one back. I wanted to scream not that it would do any good. No one could hear me down here. John and Da probably couldn’t even hear me down here the odds of that being pretty good because I couldn’t hear them even though there was just a wall between us.

  
“Don’t be scared. I just want to talk,” he said as my back hit the wall at the end of the hallway him not stopping until he was inches from my face.

  
He placed his hand around throat, staring closely at me, his eyes dark like he was angry. Like I had done something wrong. I felt like his stare was burning my skin. Like he was killing me with his gaze.

  
“You know what you did?” He hissed into my face his breath smelling sour and like something else I knew. Alcohol.

  
I didn’t say anything closing my eyes trying to breathe, trying to remember what it was like to breathe. I’d never seen him drunk before, I wasn’t sure if I could speak or not. What would end up worse.

  
“I ASKED YOU A FUCKING QUESTION!” he yelled in my face squeezing on my throat lightly enough for the pressure to be uncomfortable but not enough to make it so I couldn’t breathe, “ANSWER ME!”

  
“N-n-no?” I managed to stutter out.

  
“You…you…” he mumbled frowning at himself, “Shit…oh yeah that’s right you disrespected me. You know how?”

  
“No,” I said.

  
“You moaned for him like a bitch in heat. He’s not allowed to touch you anymore. You never moan for me like that. Why don’t you moan for me like that?” He said.

  
Because he didn’t have 6 tongues and 6 mouths maybe? Or 12 hands? I didn’t know. I didn’t have a good answer. I was a 10-year-old kid who didn’t want some 40 something year old guys tongue in my ass in the first place. I didn’t have the slightest idea as to how Barry had instigated that moan from me and Ben couldn’t achieve the same result.

  
I didn’t move, I didn’t speak. He smiled and then started laughing increasing the pressure on my throat finally cutting off my air, “If you won’t moan for me, you’re certainly going to scream,” he said dragging me forward by the throat.

  
He opened up the door next to the room Da and John were still in my mouth dropping open as he left go of my neck turning and slamming the door shut locking it. There wasn’t a real bed in this room but a couch in one corner and in a different corner what looked like an exam table. In another corner was what looked like a giant bird cage and close to it was a futon that was folded down into a bed. Behind the exam table was scary though. It was a wall filled with tools and contraptions and other things, sex toys. Of all kinds. The paddle he had used on me before in the other room hanging there.

  
I saw paddles, belts, whips, canes, strap on’s, dildos, vibrators, anal plugs, anal beads, basically anything and everything you can think of hanging on the wall or sitting on top of the chest underneath where everything was hanging. He must have gone around behind me while I was staring at it because next thing I knew he was wrapping his arms around my waist and squeezing.

  
“You’re beautiful,” he muttered, “I wish you loved me like I love you.”

  
“Ben, please,” I said quietly closing my eyes.

  
I didn’t want him to do this to me. Whatever it was he was planning to do because I knew it was going to hurt. I started crying already dreading what he was going to do.

  
“Please Ben, please,” I begged the words getting stuck in my throat as he picked me up and threw me on the futon face down pulling handcuffs out of nowhere and cuffing one around my wrist before putting it around an iron bar in the frame and attaching it to the other wrists. Yeah, this was going to hurt.

  
“Should I try to make you scream first?” He slurred more to himself than to me, “Or moan?”

  
I felt his tongue slide down my spine to the center of my back where he stopped my body jerking when his tongue made contact with my bare skin. I shook my head squeezing my eyes closed yanking at the cuffs around my wrists causing the bed frame to rattle.

  
Why hadn’t I just gone upstairs? Why had I tried to make sure John was ok by listening at the door? Why couldn’t they just stop? Why?

  
“WHY?” I whimpered, “Why?!”

  
He laughed into my shoulder, “Because you’re hot. because you want it. why else?”

  
“Please, please just stop,” I begged realizing I had used that word my eyes snapping open panicking for a minute waiting for him to choke me or hit me but he just laughed into the back of my neck grabbing me hard by the hair forcing my neck back roughly so he could kiss me.

  
He broke our kiss when he was breathless still seeming excited about the whole thing. The fact that he had me chained to a metal futon, the fact that he was raping me, “Are you going to scream nice and loud for me baby? Make me want to fuck you raw? Like the Thai bitch? Huh? Be my little slut begging for it to stop while your little cock weeps for me?”

  
“STOP!” I begged has he shoved his finger roughly inside me moving it around before he pulled it back out.

  
“You need some lube,” he said before he smacked my ass hard with his hand letting go of me and getting up.

  
I struggled yanking at the cuffs as hard as I could as they bit into the skin on my wrists I was already sore. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I wanted it to stop, I wanted him to let me go. I could see what he was doing what he was grabbing because I was chained so I was facing the opposite wall my back to him. I only knew he had come back when the bed shifted because he leaned down on it behind me kissing my lower back for a minute.

  
He set a tube of lube beside me and something else. Something else that was long and black and looked weird. It was shaped almost like the head of a tulip flower only like I said it was black and seemed to be made of silicone. I had never seen anything like that and he laughed into my spine when he saw me looking at it.

  
“That’s for fun, it’ll open you up,” he said before his tongue went into my ass.

  
I yelped in surprise. Why did they all want to do that? I didn’t understand the fascination they had with licking my asshole. I mean I was 10 so to me it sounded gross anyway but really that little shock it sent up my spine along with the tingles was not something I found pleasant.

  
I took a deep breath trying to keep myself calm as he grabbed the front of my upper thighs forcing my knees to bend. Forcing my butt to stick up in the air while I was forced to lean forward the cuffs around my wrists not allowing me to be level from my waist up my arms not able to get under me because they were restrained.

  
I felt something cold up against my hole before he pushed his finger back in under his tongue making me whimper. I didn’t want him to do that to me. Me starting to cry openly.

  
After a while I must have managed to check out before I hardly remember it. Either that or my brain was just so tired and what him and Da did felt so similar it didn’t matter anymore because after a while I don’t remember him doing anything.

  
“Take a deep breath because this is going to hurt,” he muttered into the nape of my neck removing his fingers and then I felt it. Something egg shaped almost pressing against my sphincter.

  
The first bit wasn’t that hard because he had spent a while with his fingers and tongue in there but then it got more towards the center. I had never felt anything like that before. It hurt like someone trying to rip me open. I screamed.

  
“Just relax,” he muttered as I shook my head vigorously.

  
“BEN PLEASE, PLEASE!” I begged my whole body feeling like it was on fire as a sick coldness hit against my entrance him squirting more lube directly on me.

  
He pushed it the rest of the way in the whole thing feeling beyond tight, burning and stinging. Why did he do this? Why was he doing it? I remember thinking that over and over as I tried to keep breathing, tried to stay calm. because I knew if I wasn’t calm it would hurt more, he’d make sure it hurt more. I tried to relax him running his hand down my spine as he did whatever he was doing.

  
“There you go baby, just relax,” he said moving whatever it was inside of me making me gasp, “God, after I stretch you open maybe we’ll turn on a camera, take some pictures? What do you think?”

  
I didn’t know what to say. Pictures for what? I knew what Da had done to John. John had told me but was that the same thing as Ben taking pictures of me? Of me like this? Before I could question it, I saw the flash out of the corner of my eye as the camera went off.

  
I didn’t want this. He was going to show everyone and they would all know. Everyone would know. I started crying harder. And in response he smacked me across my butt.

  
“You cry I’ll give you a reason to cry. I’ll fuck you raw. I was going to stop after I spread you open but…you want to keep crying like that I’ll keep going. A little blood can go a long way when it comes to lubrication,” he said quietly making my tears dry instantly.

  
He grabbed the egg-shaped thing inside of me and turned the handle causing it to push on my insides forcing its way farther into my body pulling my muscles open. Now that burned. That hurt like nothing I had ever felt before even after taking all those guys in one night maybe two days before. That hadn’t felt nearly as painful as what was happening with the weird shaped plug.

  
After he turned it a few times he snapped a few more pictures before turning it again. It took everything in me not to scream at the feeling of my skin starting to break. I was in so much pain my whole body was shaking when he finally stopped turning the handle in the opposite direction releasing some of the pressure and then taking another picture before he repeated the act three more times and took it out making me hiss in pain.

  
“You did so good baby,” he murmured as I felt his lips against one of my butt cheeks.

  
“NO!! BEN PLEASE! IT HURTS PLEASE!” I begged loudly.

  
“Well maybe that’s why I’m going to make you feel better huh?” he said.

  
I didn’t want his mouth there, anywhere down there and yet that’s where they all seemed to put their mouths. I knew I had no choice but to be quiet. If I kept crying or protesting, he was going to keep me there. He was going to keep going. I bit my bottom lip closing my eyes and burying my face in the pillow in front of me.

  
He didn’t keep going. He stopped and went over to the weird couch in the other corner grabbing a blanket and turned off the lights without saying anything. I just focused on breathing. The in and out rhythm. Trying to keep my mind clear trying not to panic. Eventually I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to him uncuffing me and picking me up bridal style. Before I had time to process the act of him picking me up he was moving me to the other room and laying me on the bed where Da had been before with John the room now empty.

  
“Ben?” I barely whispered, “please.”

  
“Not yet baby, be mine just for a little bit longer ok?” he muttered grabbing the shackles that were built into the bed frame and hooking them to my wrists.

  
I like the shackles better if I had to be restrained. Better than handcuffs. The chains the shackles were long enough I could actually move, roll over move and my arms good enough I could rub my face or scratch my nose. with the shackles, I had a chance to do something about a leg cramp or an uncomfortable position where as with other restraints it was hard move often forcing you spread eagle on whatever surface you were attached to.

  
“How are you feeling?” he asked into my skin as he straddled me.

  
I was still completely nude. I was cold and tired and my arms were sore from being in a position where they had been trapped above my head for a while. I felt thankful that I was no longer trapped to a futon but being trapped to a bed was barely better. I felt like shit.

  
“I’m fine. I guess,” I answered quietly.

  
“I’m almost done, you just have to lay here for this part ok?” he said rubbing my outer thighs as he shifted his weight.

  
A couple hours ago he shoved some weird something into me and had taken pictures I couldn’t imagine him doing that feeling anywhere near good and when he used his hands to elevate my lower body and grabbed the lube I knew that’s what he was doing.

  
I started trying to breathe deeply, trying to relax. my anxiety making me pant before I felt the coldness of the lube as he placed himself against me to enter me his penis already thickly coated with it. God this was going to be bad. I knew this was going to be bad.

  
“Hey hey, calm baby,” he cooed leaning forward and kissing my lips, “relax, I just want to feel nice. Maybe if I can hit it right you’ll feel nice with me.”

  
I tried to breath as he pushed in using his knees to support his body weight and mine as he tilted his pelvis forward into mine pushing into me. He placed his arms under my thighs lifting my legs up slightly angling me even more. He made contact with that spot making my head feel too heavy and my mouth open as I tried to keep breathing.

  
“Yeah?” he cooed, “feels good?”

  
I wanted to tell him no. That I wanted him to stop because I did. I wanted him to stop my body was done I had experienced more than enough feeling my body losing the fight for consciousness the short nap he had given me nowhere near enough for my body to recover from the pain and exertion he was putting me through. That him and Da had both put me through.

  
“You still feel so tight even after the pear. And you’re really good at this game. I mean there’s room for improvement but your protesting is down you’re not really crying or screaming…yet. I’m impres…oh shit yeah,” he said picking up the pace.  
That’s when there was a loud banging on the door, ““Uncle Ben!” John shouted, “Come on BEN!”

  
“Fucking bullshit,” Ben muttered going over and unlocking the door before yanking it open as I sighed in relief for a moment.

  
He was off me. He wasn’t touching me or inside of me. He was nude standing there spread eagle across the door frame blocking John from being able to see me.

  
“If you don’t mind Johnny I’m busy,” he said standing there his back to me venom in his voice.

  
“Let him go,” John huffed.

  
He didn’t turn around just stared at John is back to me, “You want to play instead?” he asked him.

  
“Sure,” John answered, “Let him go.”

  
I watched his body language change him standing up straighter smiling as he moved aside allowing John to stop into the room, “Well, come on in.”

  
“John? Really?” I managed. He had almost been done. He had almost finished and here John was trying to make things better but making it worse. Making it last that much longer. I just wanted him to finish.

  
“Hello to you too,” John muttered looking at me looking at the fact that I was shackled to the bed his something about his body language just falling like he was in pain instead of me, “let him go,” he begged Ben quietly Ben grabbing him around the waist as he turned to face him.

  
“I didn’t say I would,” Ben taunted him smiling widely, “But you said you would play.”

  
“I will if you let him go,” John promised pointing at me with a trembling hand as Ben ground their hips together John’s face flushing at the feeling of Ben’s skin so close to his only a layer or two of cotton separating their skin.

  
I leaned in and whispered something in John’s ear causing John to start to struggle as Ben smiled, “Woah, whoa, NO NO!” he said as Ben pushed him against the other bed forcing him down onto his stomach.

  
“Don’t agree to play if you don’t want to play my way,” He said ripping John’s pants off.

  
“DON’T!!” John screamed as Ben pressed down and then pushed into him letting out a satisfied moan as John screamed probably at the intrusion.

  
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Ben shouted grabbing John by the back of the neck and shoving him face down into the bed.

  
“You’re hurting me,” I heard John barely whimper.

  
He sounded like he was in so much pain. He had come here to help me and instead he had ended up getting hurt. Why did he have to interfere? This was stupid and it was my fault. My fault because I had waited too long to leave the basement because I wanted to know if Da was hurting him. And now Ben was. Ben was hurting him and he wouldn’t stop and I just wanted to be somewhere anywhere else where Ben wasn’t doing this to him and I didn’t have to hear it and I wasn’t trapped where I was.  
“You said you wanted to play remember? I never said I would let him go if you did you just said you would,” he said to John who must have bit back a whimper because he grunted and moaned, “You want me to make you feel good too? I want to do that for you, I do,” Ben said before a howl of pain escaped from John that he couldn’t fight.

  
“Ben,” John barely managed to rasp “I need you to… OHFUCK!”

  
He screamed. He screamed loudly. I cringed listening to it turning away and curling myself into the best ball I could. He was really hurting him.

  
I didn’t know why he was hurting him like that. I was right here. I was right there and he was screaming and I couldn’t make him stop and I just wanted them to stop. Wanted both of them to stop. I heard John’s voice but I couldn’t make out what he said as he sobbed making me cry. Making me wish it would just stop before everything went quiet for a second and then Ben started laughing.

  
“Well that’s ok,” I heard him say, “Nothing wrong with being a little rough sometimes.”

  
“A little?” I heard John question before I heard some chains rattle figuring it was Ben probably shackling him down.

  
“Wait here,” Ben said before I heard his foot stops coming towards me him leaning down over me, “You want to finish now baby?” he said into my ear.

  
“Ben,” I said as he started to force me onto my back again, “Ben please, please,” I begged.

  
“Oh, come on you were doing so good with the quiet game. Are you going to give it up? You want to scream? I can make you scream,” he warned me before he pushed into me.

  
He was right it did hurt. It hurt worse than it had before. Me not able to hold back a yelp ripping free before I started sobbing. Was he mad at me? Was he mad at me because he could tell I wanted it to stop, that I wanted everything to stop? I tried my best to cry silently. After a while he pulled my waist sideways so he could use the opening in the foot of the bed and he smiled at me.

  
“I want to try something I saw,” he said before moving so he was almost standing up still inside me and bending over almost like he was crouched in the fetal position and he engulfed me in his mouth while still penetrating me.

  
It almost felt like the branding my body getting too much sensation to process it all. My brain felt blank my body feeling like it was being electrocuted over and over. I don’t remember too much after that besides that feeling of hot liquid inside me making me feel dirty before he kissed me hard shoving his tongue down my throat and left me laying still strapped down to the bed and he left me there.

  
I don’t remember hearing anything they said. Just the whispers telling me they were talking until I heard the words “If you bite I’ll fucking kill you,” hiss by uncle Ben.

  
I heard some laughing and some more whispering after about 10 minutes and then a hushed “I’ll owe you,” from John causing me to unroll myself and look over as best I could at them. Ben stood up eyeing him carefully and then nodded his head.  
“Ok,” he said unlocking John’s wrists before he came over and did the same to me.

  
“Go,” he simply said as I sat up slowly my body protesting every movement.

  
I knew we should leave before he came out of the bathroom even though my body was screaming at me to stop moving, to just lay there but I knew being there wasn’t safe. It wasn’t something either of us could do as I finally managed to get to my feet. It taking all the strength in my body to walk over to John.

  
I could tell by looking at him that whatever pain I was feeling he probably felt 100 times worse his thighs and wrists and other places on his body already bruising scratches on his hips and waist line a little bit of dried blood visible between his legs.

  
“Can you move?” I asked wobbling over to the bed where he was laying down.

  
He tried to sit up hissing in pain, “Shit, I don’t know.”

  
“We need to try and get upstairs before he comes back out,” I whispered to him, “come on.”

  
I used strength I didn’t know I had to heft his weight up and on to my right shoulder him screaming out as he finally took his weight and supported himself as I dragged him out of the bed.

  
“FUCK!” he screamed out nearly falling over, almost taking me down with him.

  
“John, help me out here. We need to at least get to the kitchen,” I told him.

  
He was so heavy. My own body tired and sore screaming at me to stop, to lay down and rest. I was tired but I knew I had to get us somewhere safe. Or at least try to get us somewhere safe. My whole body screaming out in pain with every step we took. Half way down the hallway he sighed his chest heaving with the effort it took to keep moving and he tried to sit down before I thought I heard something grabbing him by the elbow not allowing him to rest.

  
“No, come on John just up the stairs that’s as far as we need to make it,” I managed to huff my whole body screaming at me to sit down with him.

  
“You have no idea how bad this hurts Will,” He barely managed to get out.

  
“I know but we have to keep going,” I said pulling his arm back around my shoulder and moving to wrap my arm around his waist when I felt it against my side somehow. A wetness. A lot of wetness. I had bled before. From them from what they had done but never like he was bleeding right then. Never that badly. Hell, I had bled a little the night before when Ben had stuck that thing in me. But I had never bled as bad as I knew John was bleeding.

  
“Come on,” I said trying to hide how scared I was, how worried I was, “Just upstairs.”

  
We made it upstairs and I managed to open the door using our body weight both of us falling onto the kitchen floor as mum looked down at us before it hit her what exactly she was looking at, “OH GOD!” she shouted coming over to us, “What happened?”

  
“Uncle Ben mum,” I said, “It was bad he’s never done that before. I’ve never heard John scream like that before. I think he’s hurt super bad.”

  
“Will,” he said before he made this sound collapsing next to me on the floor.

  
I felt like I could barely breathe. I wasn’t sure whether it was relief, anxiety or fear but I felt like everything under me was shifting. I tried to move but I couldn’t everything including consciousness rushing away from me like a giant tidal wave.


	29. TwentyNine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karen takes the kids on an outing to pick up things for Christmas Dinner. Will notices something and tells John what he learned that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 438 to 460. **Warnings:** Talk of rape/non-con, talk of child sexual abuse, Talk of incest, talking of mental health issues, anxiety, worry, Some swearing. Will worries about John a lot. I feel like John is slightly Whiny where as Will is less Whiny yet I both love them so deeply. Pretty sure this is **Chapter nine in John's POV part 1 of course.**

I remember mum starting to cry and calling Da into the room who came rushing in from down the hallway swearing and grabbing John taking him upstairs as mum looked at me. Her face looked pained like she was feeling torn. Like she didn’t trust Da alone with him but, didn’t want to leave me.

  
I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. My body was still hurting from Ben and Da and how much they had done in such a short amount of time. I was naked and sweating my legs too weak to stand my body barely keeping me awake.

  
I wasn’t bleeding anymore but, I knew I had been the slight sting along my back side every time my weight shifted telling me I was at least a little hurt. I laid on the floor on my back the cold hard surface feeling good as I allowed it to help dull the pain I was feeling. Allowed it to start lulling me to sleep.

  
I must have really fallen asleep at least for a couple of minutes because next thing I knew I was being laid down in a bed that was bigger than my own Da cuddling into it next to me as he set me down kissing my forehead, “oh my god my poor boys, my poor boys,” he muttered into my skin, “The doctors on the way honey ok? You’ll be ok I swear to you.”

  
“It’s hurts Da,” I moaned.

  
“I know. I’m so sorry honey,” he said, “I’m going to make him…” there was a knock on the door and he got up.

  
“Hey, so what happened?” Dr. Palmer asked when Da opened the door.

  
“I don’t even know. I spent last night with my boys and next thing I know later the morning they’re dragging each other upstairs and their both covered in blood from the waist down. I have no idea what he did to them you have to see them though.” Da said a hint of worry in his voice.

  
“William,” Dr. Palmer said putting his hand on my forehead, “Can you tell me what hurts?”

  
“Everything, John…he…,” I stuttered.

  
“I’ll see John, let me take care of you first ok?” Dr. Palmer said, “Can you hand me the vail that says Ativan and a syringe out of my bag?”

  
I didn’t know what that was at the time. But it worked fast and the next time I remember anything my body felt better. I was bruised and sore but I felt better me not opening my eyes until I heard a small sob, a baby crying.

  
“Shhh little one. Don’t wake up your brother,” I heard mum coo, “He’s tired and he needs his rest.”

  
“Mum?” I asked before I opened my eyes, “I’m ok.”

  
“I know love,” she replied, “I know I just there’s only one of me and so many of you. Doctor Palmer said you should both be all right. Your Da sent Ben away. So that should help.”

  
“He did?” I asked quietly not daring to let myself believe it.

  
Believe that maybe it was over. That maybe Da actually cared enough that he had sent him away so Ben would leave us alone. So, Da would leave us alone too. I wanted to believe it I did but I knew it probably wasn’t true.

  
“Yes, love. I think he’s sent him away for a while. At least until after Christmas,” Mum told me.

  
“You know it won’t be for long, right?” I asked her.

  
“I don’t know that. I think Ben has upset him a lot and hopefully that will give us time to make a plan a better plan than I have. John pointed out that we need money and I said 10,000 dollars a little bit at a time. He said he would be almost 24 if we tried that. I was wondering if you had any ideas,” Mum told me.

  
“For what?” I asked confused.

  
“Getting away from here. From your Da,” She said, “Somewhere he couldn’t hurt you or let other people hurt you. So, we need the money and we need it fast. 10,000 is just a base number we’re going to need more that amount will get us out the door. So, for right now that’s the number I’m focused on.”

  
“Get a job?” I asked her.

  
“Love,” she sighed, “He watches everything I do more so then he does you boys. I have never worked. I can knit, sell things that way.”

  
“Do you have jewelry you can sell?” I asked her.

  
“Some that he won’t notice is missing? Yes, I think I do. I’d have to be careful about how much I sell and how fast though,” she told me.

  
“Two pieces a month,” I suggested, “Sell things that will be worth something but he won’t notice is missing because you don’t wear them often. If you start bagging our lunches it will help. Buy off brand foods. Like poor people. I don’t know mum. I honestly don’t know.”

  
“I have 1200 saved,” She said, “It’s just a matter of getting the money together fast enough. Thank you love. I’ll figure it out.”

  
She kissed my forehead and then grabbed my hand helping me up off the bed and she took me upstairs. It was safer upstairs. Louder but, safer. Christmas was only a couple days away and I had no idea what was going to happen then. If I had I probably would have been less able to sleep more worried. Either way I was woken up the next morning by James throwing his arms around my neck and hugging me.

  
“Mummy said it’s time to wake up. That we’re going to go eat downstairs with Da,” he told me.

  
“Why?” I asked confused.

  
“I don’t know but she said there’s a guy that’s supposed to talk to us. She said to tell you, that you should go downstairs now while Karen helps us,” he told me.

  
“Ok,” I sighed standing up, “Bud?”

  
“Yeah?” he asked me stopping as he reached the door and turning to look at me.

  
“Are you doing ok?” I asked him, “I haven’t had a chance to talk to you a lot. I wanted to make sure that everything is ok.”

  
“I’m ok,” he said, “Everyone is so sad. I’m ok though.”

  
“Good,” I said nodding my head, “I’ll be back ok? Stay here help Karen and Mike and Matt.”

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head as he left.

  
I didn’t even bother getting dressed just took the elevator down where I could hear them talking quietly.

  
“Connor seriously is any of this necessary?” I heard mum ask.

  
“It’ll be quick and then they’ll be gone. They just have to ask them some questions because of that stupid shrink. I know it’s annoying but after they talk to them it won’t be an issue trust me. It’s been taken care of,” Da said as he saw me on the stair case, “Come down here Will.”

  
I swallowed. Had I done something? Why did they want me down here before everyone else? The last time I had really been in a room with Da was that night before he let me go, before Ben got me. But mum was right there she wasn’t going to let him…was she.

  
“Its ok love come here,” she said waving me forward.

  
“Mum? What’s going on?” I asked.

  
“I’m having some friends come over and they need to talk to you. I just wanted you to know that. You should keep your brothers and sisters upstairs after breakfast and help Karen out. If they ask you questions you can answer honestly but only for them ok? But they need to talk to you and John,” he told me.

  
“Ok,” I said quietly.

  
“They aren’t going to touch my children,” mum said.

  
“Him?” Da questioned, “No, not him. Not today.”

  
“They aren’t touching John either,” Mum said.

  
“John made a mistake,” Da said, “But they are just talking to him.”

  
“They better just be talking to him,” Mum said before Da walked up to her and smacked her hard across the face.

  
The sound was horrible reverberating around the kitchen. That sound of skin hitting skin making me shiver. I hated that sound. It always reminded me of bad things.

  
“Connor…” Mum trailed off glaring at him.

  
“Don’t question me,” Da hissed.

  
There was a knock on the kitchen door and Da pointed a finger at my mum telling her to stay where she was. As he went and opened the door. They were standing there. Hank in his uniform with another guy that was skinnier and little bit taller, his hair starting to gray slightly. I had no idea who he was and I had never seen him before.

  
“Hey,” Hank said, “This is Arthur he works with social services he’s here to talk about that thing with John.”

  
“Nice to meet you Mr. McGregor, this isn’t Johnathan,” he said looking at me.

  
“No, this is William my second oldest,” Da said.

  
“Hi William,” Arthur said, “I have some questions for you. Is there somewhere him and I can talk?” he asked Da.

  
“Livingroom should be fine,” he said, “Danielle why don’t you go upstairs and get everyone set up for the day?”

  
“Sure,” Mum said before going upstairs.

  
“Da?” I questioned.

  
I didn’t like the way Arthur was looking at me. It made my skin crawl and yet I was supposed to go into the living room where I was supposed to be alone with him. He wasn’t going to let this guy do things to me, was he?

  
“It’s ok honey,” Da said, “It’s not like that. Just go talk with him.”

  
“Yeah, we’re just talking,” Arthur said, “I promise that’s it.”

  
I sighed and followed him into the living room with a nod from my Da.

  
“So,” Arthur said, “Can you tell me what happened with your uncle?”

  
“Wh-what?” I asked him.

  
Why did he need to know that? He’d raped us. He’d done bad things to us. I didn’t want to talk about that.

  
“Ok let’s start with a more in-depth introduction. Your uncle is being looked at by the brotherhood for breaking some rules. He didn’t have permission to do something for your Dad or your handler so we need to know what he did. We’re here for other reasons as well but, that’s neither here nor there. Obviously, that means I’m a part of the brotherhood but, I’d like to hear from you what happened so I know if your uncle is justified in what he did or if your Dad is. So, can you tell me what happened?” Arthur told me.

  
I sighed and slowly nodded my head. He wanted me to tell him what happened. About the weird thing he shoved into me and how he took pictures and then how he…raped me. I wasn’t sure I was ok with that.

  
“Look, we know what happened we just want to hear your side ok?” Arthur said, “I’m not going to hurt you. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

  
“Da he…took me and John downstairs and he…we had sex,” I answered my heart starting to beat hard, fast.

  
“Ok,” Arthur said, “Can you tell me what happened after that?” he asked me.

  
“Da made me leave. I just wanted to make sure John was ok. Because it’s…it’s hard. It’s scary when…you know. So, I stood at the door trying to hear trying to make sure he was ok and then Ben he…I don’t want to talk about this,” I said shaking my head.

  
“You did nothing wrong. You did everything you were supposed to. You’re not in trouble. I just need to know. I need to hear it from you ok?” he encouraged me.

  
“He saw me and he made me go into the other room. There was a futon in there and he did things to me and then there was this weird egg thing that he twisted it and it opened up and he put it in my …in there you know? He took pictures and he kept twisting the thing to make it open and kept taking pictures of it. I don’t remember what happened after that. When I woke up again he was…he told me to relax that it would hurt worse if I didn’t and he was…doing it. Then John knocked on the door. I didn’t see what he did but he made John scream really loud. And then he told John he’d let us go if he did something and John said ok. And then he let me go and I helped John get upstairs.

  
“So, you didn’t see what he did to John?” Arthur asked me.

  
“No. It sounded like it hurt though,” I answered quietly.

  
“Ok, and Ben is your contract, right?” he asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“Ok, did he hurt you badly?” he asked me, “How are you feeling now?”

  
“I feel ok. I’m tired but otherwise I’m fine I think,” I answered

  
“Ok good,” he said standing up, “that’s all I had to ask you can go now.”

  
I got up and went upstairs to find Catty running around the hallway in a flora dress with her dress half buttoned and her hair a mess holding a comb and looking around helplessly. I had no idea what she was doing but it looked like someone had left her to dress herself and it wasn’t going well for her. She was only four so she wasn’t the most coordinated person in the world. I sighed when I saw her.

  
“Cat what’s going on?” I asked her.

  
“John said he was going to go talk to mum and that Karen should help me with my hair but she said she has to help the babies so that I should try brushing my own hair but it hurts,” she told me.

  
“Ok then,” I said, “KAREN!”

  
“Yes?” I heard her call from the nursery.

  
“Come on,” I said taking her by the hand, “Cat needs help with her hair could you please?”

  
“Will, right? Will, it’s 6:30 in morning, I have to go downstairs and get breakfast ready because when my Dad dropped me off your mom disappeared ok? So, I have 10 kids I have to feed and then we need to go run some errands apparently so I don’t have time to do her hair, get everyone dressed and get out of the house and make sure we have everything we need. Not without help so could you please maybe brush her hair for her?” She rambled sticking her head out the nursey door.

  
“What do you say Cat? Think a simple braid will do?” I asked Cat taking her into the living room.

  
“Don’t hurt,” She said to me quietly handing me the brush as she sat down on the floor in front of the couch. I sighed sitting down.

  
I had never brushed girl hair before and I wasn’t sure how it worked but when she said ouch very loudly when I started at the top of her head I decided to grab near the bottom and brush whatever was sticking out of my fist and I did that and slowly but surely got her hair untangled before I braided it quickly and handed the braid to her to hold, “Do you have a band to keep it in place?”

  
“Mummy keeps those on my dresser,” she told me.

  
“Well, let’s go get one,” I sighed walking down the hallway where I found one on her dresser and made sure it was tight in her hair, “ok firefly go play with Mike and Matt, tell them I told them to get dressed.”

  
“Ok,” She said turning around and running down the hallway pounding on their doors.

  
I needed to get dressed. I knew I needed to get dressed especially if we were going to be going somewhere which Karen made it sound like we were. I sighed when I pulled off my pants and got out some gauze. It looked like it was healing ok pink and puffy instead of red and swollen. It felt weird still though, tender just placing the fresh gauze and tape over top of it before I went and found a plain blue t-shirt and some dark wash jeans before I grabbed some socks and ran my comb through my own hair before I pulled open my bedroom door.

  
John nearly ran into me making me step back, “You’re upstairs?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, it’s a miracle, isn’t it?” John replied shrugging his shoulders giving me a small smile, “I’m going to go check on Mum, help Karen.”

  
I followed him over to the elevator. He had gone through the day before and we had probably slept most of the day away. He had suffered worse than I had those guys even coming over and asking me questions and then leaving.

  
“So how…” I started to ask him before he just shrugged his shoulders at me.

  
“Same as always. I need a drink,” he mumbled.

  
“Really John?” I scoffed frowning.

  
Was that really how things were going to be now? Him always drunk or wanting to drink? That would leave me with them and Karen and mum always breaking down. Did he not realize that there were other people dealing with this besides him? That this wasn’t the way to go through life. I didn’t even have anything else to say to him I spun around on my heel and stomped away.

  
This was beyond fucking stupid. How did he not get that we were all stuck in this together and him drinking himself into oblivion wasn’t going to help anything? They weren’t just raping him. They were doing stuff to me too. And to Mike and Matt and even James. For all we knew they were doing stuff to Cat too. I wouldn’t have fucking put it past them. And Da was hitting mum and getting violent again like when we had been little. If he was doing that when people were around who knew what he was making her do in private. For all we knew he was hurting her like he hurt us. I remember being so angry that my throat felt tight. That I wanted to scream but I knew I couldn’t.

  
He uttered something I didn’t really bother to listen to as the lift opened and he stepped inside. I sighed going down the hall and checking to see if everyone was getting dressed and following direction knocking on Matt’s bedroom door noticing that Mike’s door was open and no one was there. They were always together. Always.

  
“Yeah?” Matt called out.

  
I opened the door to find Matt topless leaning over the dresser and pulling out a shirt Mike fully dressed.

  
“Are you two getting dressed?” I asked him.

  
“What does it look like?” Matt asked pulling his shirt on over his head as Mike turned to frown at me.

  
That’s when I noticed it, the dark spot on the side of his neck by his hair line. It was right under his ear and seemed small and like it was fading but still visible. I walked up to them and grabbed his shoulder.

  
“HEY!” Mike said as I made him tilt his head.

  
“What is that?” I asked him.

  
“Nothing,” Matt answered for him, “it’s not anything.”

  
“No, it’s a hickey and it’s almost gone how have you been hiding this?” I asked.

  
“Hasn’t Da ever made you wear concealer?” Mike asked me frowning.

  
“Huh yeah but…did Da do that?” I asked him.

  
“No, Da didn’t,” Mike answered.

  
“Then who…?” I trailed off.

  
Was Da letting people…with them too? Letting people do things to them? Like he let them do to me and to John? No, he couldn’t be, he couldn’t. What the fuck? What the actual…

  
“I did,” Matt answered.

  
“Are you fucking kidding me,” I hissed, “You don’t do that with him. You don’t.”

  
“Why?” Matt asked.

  
“BECAUSE IT’S WRONG!” I shouted before I managed to sigh deeply calming myself down, “It’s wrong Matt.”

  
“But…why? Da says It’s ok. Ben said we should. That we should practice real love kisses with each other and sometimes that meant kissing on our necks. he didn’t mean to. It just happened,” Mike asked frowning.

  
“People don’t kiss their family like that,” I said, “Normal families don’t do that with each other.”

  
“We’re not normal though,” Matt pointed out.

  
“Yeah well we don’t do that. We’re eating and then apparently, we’re going to the store. So, make sure you don’t talk about that. And stop doing that,” I sighed and then thought about it for a minute, “Mike can I talk to you alone for a second?”

  
“Why?” Matt asked me his eyes doing that thing where the flashed dark, like his soul had just left the room.

  
“Because I want to talk to him alone,” I said, “Just a question or two.”

  
“He can answer in front of me,” Matt said, “I’m not hurting him.”

  
“What do you mean by hurt?” I asked him.

  
“Doing the things Uncle Ben wanted me to do. He doesn’t like that,” Matt told me, “Tell him Mikey. Tell him I’m not hurting you.”

  
“He’s not,” Mike said quietly not looking at me, “He doesn’t want to hurt me.”

  
“You mean that?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” Mike said finally looking at me, “He’s not hurting me.”

  
“But do you want to do that stuff with him?” I asked Mike, “Mike I’m serious. If you don’t like it say something ok?”

  
“It doesn’t hurt,” Mike assured me, “It just…it’s slimy.”

  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Matt asked him frowning.

  
“I don’t know,” Mike shrugged his shoulders, “Da said we should practice so I was. I don’t think I like it though. But Da said we have to do things we don’t like all the time because he knows what’s best.”

  
“Ok well,” I sighed and sat down on the lower bunk, “come here guys, you too Matt, come here.”

  
I said as each one of them sat on one of my sides, “Da is weird and it’s wrong to do that and if you don’t like doing that. Don’t do that ok? He won’t know you’re not practicing if you don’t tell him. If you don’t want to just don’t. I don’t want to so I don’t.”

  
“That’s not true Uncle Ben makes you do it all the time,” Matt said.

  
I felt my face flushing. He was right. Ben made me do that with him. He didn’t give me a choice.

  
“If you two really care about each other and one of you doesn’t want to, you won’t,” I answered, “It’s that simple.”

  
“Ok,” Matt said.

  
He seemed displeased with the idea of having to stop but he looked at Mikey and I saw his face soften a little bit. Like he was really thinking about it. Really thinking about how Mikey said he thought it was slimy that he didn’t really like it all that much and he nodded his head.

  
“Good,” I said hugging both of them, “I love you guys ok? You shouldn’t hurt each other. You guys don’t need to do those things.”

  
“Ok, and we don’t talk about it outside the house right?” Mike asked.

  
“That’s right,” I said nodding my head, “Everyone dressed and ready to go downstairs? You can help me out, grab a baby and help John and I get everyone to breakfast.”

  
“We’re eating downstairs?” Matt asked me frowning as we walked out of the bedroom and towards the nursery.

  
“Yeah mum was up the morning and she said breakfast downstairs so I guess we’re eating downstairs,” I answered.

  
“Can I get Andy?” Matt asked me.

  
“Andy is old enough to walk to the lift so no, you can take Mary,” I told him.

  
“Ok,” he said as I went and grabbed Mary out of her crib handing her to him as Karen came out down the hall.

  
“What are you guys doing?” She asked me.

  
“You and mum both said breakfast downstairs so I figured I’d help make sure everyone was ready and we’d all go downstairs,” I told Karen.

  
“Right,” she said, “So they are helping?”

  
“Move everyone downstairs? Yes,” I answered.

  
“Ok then,” she sighed walking away.

  
I grabbed Mac and it didn’t take us that long to get everyone downstairs to the second floor me directing Mike and Matt to take Shay and Mary downstairs while I went back up to grab everyone else handing Mac over to I think it was John as he came out of mum’s room where she had decided to hide.

  
When I came back downstairs I thought John would have already taken Mac and put him in his highchair but instead he somehow ended up behind us reaching down and securing Mac as quickly as he could glancing at me as I walked past him putting the milk on the table. I could smell the mouthwash as I passed him.

  
I figured he had probably drank some of it. By then I knew how to read labels and I knew that most types of mouth wash contained an amount of alcohol. He had drank it to try and get drunk. To try and dull himself.

  
I felt sick to my stomach thinking of all the things they could do the span of three minutes, the total amount of time I’d been upstairs. How Da could have done any number of things to him. Groped him, molested him, kissed him. Any number of things.

  
“John, you ok?” I asked frowning.

  
John nodded his head slightly and then brushed his tongue against his tooth. I sighed heavily. Something had happened. I wanted to ask him what to tell him it was ok, that he could talk to me.

  
“John…” I started to say in order to comfort him and he cut me off.

  
“Will not now, ok?” he said to me quietly looking at the floor before he turned and went over to the microwave where Karen was standing.

  
I sighed and Karen turned to look at me, “What’s up?

  
“Nothing you have to worry about,” John answered her as I walked over to the table and grabbed a bowl off the stack pouring cereal in it and then filling it with milk and giving it to someone at the table.

  
John had answered her a little harshly but, I didn’t blame him. She was a stranger. Hank’s daughter. Someone who John didn’t get along with, who John downright hated. It was hard to give her a chance because of that. And she really seemed kind of stupid.

  
Karen put something down hard on the table making everyone turn to look at her. She seemed angry arms folded over her chest glaring at him, “kid what is wrong with you? You have done nothing but bite my head off for this or that all morning and I just met you. Do you have a problem with me?” she hissed at him.

  
I sighed heavily. He didn’t owe her any explanation. After all she hadn’t had her ass pounded by two different people two days ago, “His problem is with life.”

  
“Will, will you fucking shut it?” He snapped.

  
I shrugged my shoulders and turned back to what I was doing passing another bowl out and over to James.

  
“Da keeps saying he’s become a real teenager,” Matty muttered before he took a bite of his cereal causing me to frown and shake my head at him.

  
John made an annoyed sound in the back of his throat, “So everyone has an opinion and no one has anything to fucking drink? Real nice guys, real nice,” John said shaking his head.

  
“John there is plenty of soda and juice available for you to drink so I don’t see what that has to do with anything. And if you were nicer maybe your brothers wouldn’t have any opinions on what was wrong with you. I’m just guessing on that one,” Karen said putting plates on the highs chairs for Lar and Andy and Mac.

  
Mary started fussing and John picked up a bottle and tested it on his wrists before popping it in Mary’s mouth after whispering something into the crown of her head and kissing her.

  
“I can do that you know?” Karen snapped looking at him.

  
“There happens to be another baby that is just as hungry that would also like some food Karen. If you wait too long he’ll scream,” John said causing me to smile behind my hand.

  
He did have a point. There was two of them and Shay would probably be just as hungry. John might have been an angry cuss of a 13-year-old but god did I still love my brother. Half the time when he said something like that, sarcastic or just blunt I don’t think he even realized how funny he was but, god was it nice to see John being so John like.

  
“You’re a real smartass you know that?” She said grabbing Seamus’s bottle and starting to feed him.

  
All of our little brothers smiled and James counted down on his fingers, “We’ve noticed,” they all muttered at once before giggling.

  
“Really?” John muttered shaking his head.

  
James finished his cereal and walked over to John as John sat down looking at him to which John sighed looking at him his brow wrinkling as he stared at James confused who got on his tip toes trying to get closer to his face.

  
“You ok?” John asked me.

  
“I’m checking your neck to see if I can still see it,” he told him.

  
John brow wrinkled further before he frowned his hand touching his neck lightly. I watched his fingers dance along his neck like he was feeling for the marks like he could see them with his hands. To be perfectly honest they had almost completely faded besides one that was a plumb purple near the collar of his shirt. One that most people wouldn’t pay attention to it far enough to the edge of his collar most people wouldn’t think anything of it.

  
Watching the interaction was cute. James was looking because he wanted John to be ok. Because he wanted to know that John wasn’t all bruised up and hurt. I think most people don’t realize that about James that he cares very much for everyone he loves and always has. That he doesn’t like to see us hurt. Any of us, even if he’s mad.

  
“And you guys say I’m mean,” John said shaking his head his eyes lighting up though at how funny the whole thing was and he shot me glance shaking his head and smiling before he looked back at James his eye brows slightly raised.

  
“Sorry, I just wanted to see if you still had all those bruises,” James said quietly his eyes focused and intense on John as John bent down slightly allowing James to get a better look.

  
“Bruises?” Karen asked.

  
“Yeah,” James said looking at her over John’s shoulder who was still hunched down, “From…”

  
“Zip it kiddo. Remember?” John reminded him.

  
Jay opened his mouth wide and shock before covering his mouth with his hand and nodding his head, “I forgot, sorry.”

  
“I got beat up,” John said simply looking at Karen.

  
“Wait is that what we’re supposed to call it now?” Mikey asked looking at me.

  
I put my head in my hands. I was thinking “really guys?” we have to do this in front of the new nanny? Like she doesn’t think you’re weird enough? We’re weird enough? I shook my head afraid to look up. Afraid to see what was going on when I heard something hit the table from underneath.

  
“OW! What the hell man?!” Mike asked looking at Matt who gave him a look, “oh.”

  
He went silent his face slightly flushed as he took an intense interest in his food again when I looked up.

  
Karen sighed loudly and I looked over at her, “You are all strange, strange children,” she said.

  
Mary started to cry in John’s arms and he realized her bottle was empty muttering a sorry and burping her as he bounced her up and down cooing to her softly.

  
“Ok so is everyone done eating then? We should be heading out,” Karen said looking around the room as I went and started collecting bowls from the table that were half full of milk.

  
It wasn’t my favorite chore but Karen seemed like an idiot who would probably forget that the kitchen needed to at least be semi-put back into sorts before she started putting people into the car. I knew Da would be pissed if he came downstairs to find the table still covered in dishes so I tried to hurry moving around people as John shouted directions for people to use the bathroom and then tried to hand Mary over to Karen saying something about changing diapers.

  
“Why are you switching?” She asked John taking Mary from him and frowning.

  
“Because he always poops after he eats and he likes to kick while you change him,” John said shaking his head, “If you want to change him though be my guest.”

  
John held Mac up who was still chewing on his fist covered in cheerios that were stuck to his hand and he farted in John’s face and giggled causing both Karen and John to frown and Mac to giggle more as he stared at Karen’s look of disgust watching him.

  
“No, that’s ok you can do it,” Karen decided quickly taking Mary out of the room and down the hallway into the living room as I continued cleaning up the table.

  
“Ok everyone is anyone going to hel…” I went silent realizing I was in the room alone, “Of course not.”

  
Just as I said that Cat and James reappeared James looking at me, “Can I help?”

  
“Yes, I would really like that. Thank you,” I said to him.

  
“You’re welcome,” he told me as I grabbed him a dish towel and turned on the water.

  
It didn’t take us too long to get it done together. By the time we were finished and I had put the last dish away Karen and John were on their way back into the kitchen.

  
“I’ll start loading bodies into the van,” John sighed coming into the kitchen holding Seamus as I dipped around him to go grab Mac.

  
“You make it sound like we murdered them. Their children not bodies,” Karen sighed.

  
“Yeah,” I heard John scoff, “I know.”

  
“Ok troops. Come on and grab a buddy!” John said loudly as everyone grabbed someone else’s hand.

  
James grabbed Lar’s hand and Cat when to go grab Matt’s but Matt moved and grabbed Andy’s before she could reach him making her frown at his back as Mike walked over to her and grabbed her hand whispering something in her ear that made her smile up at him. I had Mac and John had a hold of Shay still while Karen held Mary.

  
“Ok so how do we do this, guys?” Karen asked looking at all of us.

  
“Well, the booster seats are in the back with an open seat in-between so let’s put Cat in the back between Andy and Laura,” John said before turning to look at Cat, “Cat sweetie can you sit in the back please?”

  
“But I wanted to sit in back,” Matt mumbled.

  
I sighed. I wasn’t sure anyone else had noticed it yet. That Matt had an odd thing where he had to be near Andy. That he seemed to always want to be close to him or touching him. I found it very disconcerting.

  
“You can sit between Mary and Shay ok?” I told him.

  
“But I want to…” Matty started whining as Cat climbed in and buckled herself in.

  
“No whining,” Karen muttered as John handed her Andy.

  
“Ok next one,” Karen said once Andy was buckled in and John handed her Laura.

  
“John are you ok?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” John said nodding his head, “Fine. Tired but, fine. You?”

  
“I’m ok,” I answered.

  
“You sure?” he asked me and I looked at Karen who was climbing out of the back looking at us.

  
“Who is next?” She asked.

  
I sighed and John looked around, “Mike hand her Mary please.” He answered.

  
Mike did as he was told and Karen disappeared back into the interior of the van.

  
“As ok as I’m going to be,” I answered John, “Why?”

  
“Because he…they hurt you,” John answered.

  
“Oh,” I said my throat feeling tight.

  
I knew it wasn’t something he liked doing. Talking about that type of stuff. And that it was dangerous to be talking about with Karen there. I appreciated him worrying about me but I felt like I was fine. Like I was going to be ok. I had been through worse after all and Ben was gone for the moment so I figured I would be all right.

  
“Are you? Ok?” John asked me again as Karen reached out of the van again and grabbed Seamus shooting us both a weird look.

  
“Yeah. Promise,” I answered nodding my head, “Can I talk to you for a second though?”

  
“Ok,” he said as we stepped aside leaving everyone else by the van.

  
“Hey, Karen? We’ll be right back just wait for us,” I said before we moved over towards the house where we were out of ear shot and went inside shutting the door behind us after John made sure mum and Da weren’t around.

  
“Will what’s up?” he asked me.

  
He was watching me closely like he was scared that I was going to tell him something bad, that something was wrong with me. I wasn’t sure how to put it but the way Da had said something about a shrink to mum I felt like John should know. That John should know people had talked to me and Da had made it sound like they wanted to talk to him.

  
“You know I notice things, know things about other people that others don’t, right?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, you are good at observing things why?” he asked me.

  
I sighed and looked at him, should I really tell him this? Should I tell him about the shrink about mum and Da and how I had seen Da hit her? How Da had used the words “not today” when mum told Da no one was touching us. No one was touching her kids. How upset would he be?

  
“Will, you’re making me super nervous you need to tell me what’s up. Please,” John said quietly his eyes filled with worry.

  
“Well, you aren’t tipsy anymore are you sure you want to hear it?” I asked him my voice barely above a whisper, “Think about that for a good second before you really answer because you’re not going to like it.”

  
I watched his face as he sighed. It seemed like he was taking my advice and thinking about it. Thinking about it hard and whether it was something he could deal with. Whether it was something he needed to know or not.

  
“Just tell me,” he answered.

  
“Da was talking to mum the morning and he said that some guys needed to stop by and talk to us. Because of some shrink that had been bothering you. That they were just going to talk and that they weren’t going to touch me. Not today. H…” John cut me off.

  
“Yeah I know. Thank you for the warning but I figured it was coming,” he said shrugging his shoulders like he was trying to make himself appear not bothered, “I just hope Da will let me get pissed before it happens.”

  
“Why?” I asked frowning, “Da said that they were just going to talk to us. That they weren’t going to…” he cut me off again.

  
“Touch you,” John hissed shaking his head, “That they weren’t going to touch you. I did something bad Will and Da said I need to be punished so…”

  
“Do you think he will? Let you get drunk I mean?” I asked him understanding what he meant and that there was nothing I could do to prevent it from happening.

  
“Considering the last time before, you know with you and then just him and I…no I don’t think he will. I think he’s punishing me with them. I think it’s going to be bad Will…” he managed before his voice cracked, “I really do and I’m fucking scared.”  
“Ok,” I said pressing my index fingers to my temples and taking a deep breath. I was wishing desperately there was something I could do or say to make this better but, I knew there wasn’t, “And Hank is the one who fucked up your neck right?”

  
“Yeah and his daughter is out in that fucking car with our brothers and sisters as if I couldn’t forget already. Now I have to have his daughter thrown in my face too,” he said his voice growing a bit loud, “SHIT FUCK!!” he shouted before he slammed his arm down on the kitchen counter the loud crack of his cast bouncing off the surface making my ears hurt a little bit.

  
I could tell he was trying not to cry, that he didn’t want to be like this right now. Not when we had to leave the house. It hurt to see him in so much pain. To see him so scared that he didn’t know what to do. So, angry that it seemed to be coming off him in waves. Just knowing I couldn’t help him made me feel like a shit brother.

  
“I’ll try to keep them off of it. You know keep everyone from saying things they shouldn’t. Especially when we’re out,” I told him trying to think of something I could say, anything that might make him feel better.

  
“I think Mum needs to talk to them again. You know, about not saying things about it,” John sighed nodding his head. He seemed to calm down a little with the change in topic. His mind being pulled in a different direction at least for that moment, “It’s not a joke. I just don’t think they get it yet.”

  
“Well, I think James might view it all as normal and Mike and Matt haven’t been…” I sighed trying to figure out the best way to put it, “They haven’t been exposed to it like we have. So, I don’t think they understand yet.”

  
John exhaled deeply nodding his head slowly, “That’s a scary word. Yet.”

  
“We’ll figure it out.” I told him, “You always do.”

  
“How long before I can’t anymore though? I think this might be it for me, I’m…” he trailed off.

  
Did he think they were going to kill him? Da wouldn’t kill him. Da liked him too much. Loved him even. Da would never do anything that might kill him. Da wanted him around.

  
“We’ll be ok. You’ll be ok because you know you’re still needed,” I answered.

  
“Why do you sound so old?” He asked me shaking his head but smiling sadly at me, “You’re only almost 11.”

  
“I’m old because I have to be,” I answered simply, “I guess as long as you know about it. Let’s go.”

  
“Yeah, forgive me if I give her shit,” he answered, “I just can’t today.” He muttered raking a hand through his hair.

  
“It’s fine. I’ve got you,” I answered patting his shoulder gently as a way to reassure him.

  
When we got to the car I climbed in the back and shut the door as I sat down and John climbed in the front seat and strapped himself in next to Karen. I looked to see what was going on behind me. Laura and Andrew were strapped into the back with Catty in-between Mac in the fourth seat in the back-right corner. then James was buckled into the middle seat between Seamus and Mary while I was sitting in the seat closest to the door on the bench closest to the front seats Mike and Matt sitting next to me as Karen started the car and pulled out of the driveway only stopping at the gate to hit the button causing it to swing open before we pulled onto the road.

  
“Hey, can you both hear me?” I asked Mike and Matt and both of them turned to me nodding their heads, “Ok you know there are certain things we don’t talk about in public so I want you to remember that. No talking about real love kisses or what goes on the in bedroom and no taunting John about his alone time with Da or me about my alone time with Ben. Just don’t talk about it. Ok?”

  
“What does taunting mean?” Mike asked frowning at me.

  
“It means don’t mention it. Especially in public,” I answered.

  
“Because it’s not normal and people will get mad?” Mike questioned.

  
“Yes, exactly. And don’t mention it in front of Karen anymore. I know she’s our nanny but, I don’t think she knows anything about it and she thinks we’re weird. So maybe if you stop mentioning it we’ll appear less crazy to her and more normal,” I explained.

  
“Ok,” Matt said, “So just don’t talk about it in front of her or other people. What about in front of you or John?”

  
“If you have something to tell us you can but don’t ask John things. It’s mean and John doesn’t like talking about it,” I answered.

  
“But you do?” Mike asked me frowning.

  
“No,” I answered shaking my head slowly, “No, I don’t feel like talking about it usually but, I think it’s important you guys understand things. So, if you have questions you can ask me at some point when we’re alone and Karen isn’t there ok?”  
“Ok,” Mike said nodding his head.

  
“Are you telling us this because we’re about to go to the store?” Matt asked.

  
“Yes,” I answered honestly, “So just be kind of aware that people are around and are listening and can hear what you say.”

  
“Yeah got it,” Matt said as Mike nodded his head.

  
“Ok I’ll tell James when we get out of the car,” I said.

  
I was glad that they at least somewhat understood what I was getting at. Why it was important not to talk about it in public or in front of Karen. At the time, you have to understand I was 10 and I knew that it would just get us in trouble. I wasn’t thinking about if someone outside of the brotherhood found out because it seemed like everyone was in the brotherhood and I knew that bad things would happen to whoever found out because the brotherhood killed people. Cole had told me they killed people and I believed him.

  
When we pulled up I pulled James aside and told him quickly asking him to remember that as Karen walked away leaving us in the car as she grabbed some carts. I climbed into the back and started making sure everyone was out of car seats that was old enough to sit up on their own and making sure bases were loosened so that carriers could be moved to carts and it didn’t take long for us to be off.

  
I was designated a cart pusher because I was tall enough to see over the handle bar and I was told I needed to push Andrew and Catherine around the store. Catherine was not happy about this arrangement and I had no problem telling me so.

  
“I’m old enough to walk,” she said.

  
“Yes, I agree you are but, I think Karen is more worried about keeping track of everyone than who is or isn’t old enough to walk. There are a lot of us,” I told her.

  
“How hard is she to lose though?” Matt questioned, “I mean how many people have red hair that we aren’t somehow related to?”

  
“Well, by the end of the year there are supposed to be 6 billion people living, moving and breathing,” I said, “that means…”

  
“Wow that’s a lot of people,” Mike interrupted.

  
“I think that’s more money than Da has,” Matt added.

  
“Well yeah,” I said, “And we shouldn’t talk about that in public. Anyway 6 billion people, right? Around 5% of the world has red hair so that would be around 300,000,000 people. So, I would say that’s a lot of people with red hair that are not related to us.”

  
“Yeah,” Matt agreed nodding his head, “But how many of those bazillions of people are in this store with us?”

  
“Well, we keep an eye out I’m pretty sure one or two if not more. However, I think we might have a monopoly on red heads here,” I answered him.

  
“What’s a monopoly?” Mike asked.

  
“It means to have a control advantage. Like we might have the only red heads in the store,” I told them. “That doesn’t mean it’s true though. Remember I said we might not that we do.”

  
“Oh, like that’s why the game board is called Monopoly right? Because the idea of winning the game is the person that owns the most money and squares?” Matt asked.

  
“Yes,” I said, “That’s the general idea.”

  
“Cool,” Matt muttered to himself.

  
We ended up moving to the produce fairly easily me just watching people walking around while my siblings chatted to each other and that’s when I noticed it. Some guy. His hair was slightly darker than Da’s and he seemed to be super tall to me. He was probably around a foot taller than I was so that would seem super tall to a 10-year-old. And he was watching us closely watch John leaning on the cart him making faces and playing peek-a-boo with Mac while he put his foot on the bottom bar where someone would put soda or dog food on the bottom of the cart.

  
I watched quietly. Every few minutes he’d glance at John his eyes doing that up and down swipe like Da and Ben always did. He was checking him out. He was looking at him and checking him out. At one point John stopped and looked around causing the guy to look down at a package he was holding in his hand in hopes of avoiding being detected.

  
This was nasty. Someone was looking at my brother like that. At first, I wasn’t sure if I should say anything. Just because it was John and this guy was watching him. He sighed pulling the cart aside and then looking around as James said something to him and he stopped and looked around and then replied.

  
“OH, you mean like a secret?” James said loudly causing John’s face to pale a little bit.

  
John stood up leaning his foot back on the bottom of the cart, “Exactly James. It’s a secret. Come one now we have to catch up before Karen gets mad and sends us to the car. Hold onto the cart and let’s go,” John said speeding up as I caught up to him our carts pulling even with each other and I grabbed the side of his cart with my hand.

  
“Dude, what was that?” I asked keeping my voice low.

  
“He had a question why?” he asked me.

  
“Ok that’s fine. Don’t get freaked out but someone is watching us, you specifically,” I told him and he started to turn his head to look his whole complexion going pale, “No. Don’t look!” I scoffed, “if he keeps following us, I’ll tell Karen ok? Just try and make sure we all stay together?”

  
He swallowed nodding his head before I allowed him to pull in front of me so his Cart was between mine and Karen’s.

  
I heard Karen ask John a question about liquor and I thought about how stupid that was. How that was like asking a kid what type of chocolate they wanted. They wanted all the chocolate. I sighed listening to them discuss this and looked around looking for the guy. I saw him still watching us pretending to look at wines further down the aisle we were in.

  
I kept a close eye on him. He followed us around the store more or less the entire time trying very hard to be discreet about it while we picked out our turkey and potatoes and Karen went and picked out a couple different things one of which was an apple pie. I don’t think she noticed until we were up near the front of the store waiting to check out her eyes getting angry and shooting the man a dirty look when she noticed him standing there behind us.

  
“Will, John, come up here and wait in front of the register please,” she told us using her hands to wave us forward so she was between us and the man instead of the other way around her hand briefly landing on my shoulder as she waved us forward past the register.

  
The cashier rang us up and she handed over some cash as the lady started helping her pack the mostly empty cart and she ushered us outside and put a hand on my arm when I went to go lift something and put it in the trunk, “No, we’re doing babies first then groceries,” she said before grabbing Malachy from the cart he was sitting in while John helped Catherine get out of her seat and she climbed into the van behind Karen picking a seat and buckling herself in.

  
“John?” Karen asked loudly as she worked on strapping Mac in.

  
“Yeah?” John asked her.

  
“Did you happen to notice…” she seemed to trail off checking that Cat had secured herself properly before John handed Mary to her so she could make sure Mary’s seat was on the base.

  
“What?” John asked.

  
“Someone was watching us,” Karen pointed out.

  
“Could be because there is so many of us,” John pointed out.

  
To me it sounded like he was trying to hide how serious it probably was. That someone wasn’t just watching us as a group but, him. He knew it was probably him just like I did. And it probably made him more uncomfortable than it made me. I think he didn’t want to draw attention to himself and then I saw a cart stop near the front of our car.

  
It was some woman who was probably a soccer mom or something, “Wow, that’s a big van.” The woman exclaimed smiling at us. Where’s your mom?” she asked as Karen reached out to grab Seamus.

  
“Surely she’s not your mom?” She said her eyes wide and horrified.

  
“Oh god no,” Karen laughed, “I’m the nanny.”

  
“Oh,” The woman laughed smiling slightly, “I was about to say…that’s still a lot of kids for one nanny however.”

  
“She’s not everyone’s nanny,” John said frowning at the woman.

  
“And he’s the sullen teenager,” Karen commented shooting John a look.

  
“Are they all one…?” The woman started to ask.

  
“Yes, we’re all one family and I’m the oldest,” John said his eyes going cold like he was annoyed with this random woman and her questions.

  
“And how old are all of the kids?” she asked looking at Karen.

  
“Well,” Karen sighed hopping out of the car for a minute to grab Andy from the cart I was still holding onto, “The youngest two that are in the van are 2 and half month’s old. The next one is a year old. After that you have two that are a little over two years old and then the next is 4 years old I think…” Karen said.

  
“Five years,” John snapped.

  
“I mean five years old, thank you John. Then you have James who is almost seven,” she told the woman incorrectly, “And then Mike and Matt who are 8 and Will who is almost 11 and you’re looking at the oldest and he is…”

  
“Let me guess,” the woman laughed, “14 going on 30?”

  
“More like 13 going on 30 but yeah,” Karen said smiling.

  
“They are all like that at that age,” the lady said, “I have a girl who is 12 and a boy who is 10 so trust me I know. Are they paying you well? I sure hope they are,” She commented.

  
John looked annoyed and tired and he probably had a headache. I knew he wasn’t doing well. That today had been tiring for him just as it had been for me and I figured the sooner we were out of there the better so I started loading up the groceries into the car.

  
“John can you help me so we can get out of here faster?” I said muttering an excuse me to the woman so I could push my cart past her that was now empty of kids.

  
“Every mom’s a fucking expert with everyone else’s kids,” John muttered behind me as he moved past the soccer mom causing me to sigh and shake my head.

  
I understood why he was tired and why he didn’t want to be here and that he didn’t care to talk to anyone but, that didn’t mean he had the right to be rude. She was just asking questions. We were a big group we were bound to draw attention. Especially with someone so young in charge. There was no way Karen could be our mother that and we looked nothing like her. Karen looking slightly Asian with jet black hair tied back in a braid on that day while all of us had green eyes and either red or blond hair besides Andrew and Seamus who had light brown hair.

  
There was no way you could get blond or red hair and green eyes out of someone with black hair and blue eyes. Since blue eyes and black hair were considered dominate traits and blond and especially red were considered recessive. The odds of red hair happening from someone with black hair was slim. Not impossible but highly unlikely. We both loaded up the back of the van before pushing our carts over to a cart thing that wasn’t that far away and then I climbed into the van shutting the door behind me after I made sure everyone else was inside the van as I heard the woman say her goodbye and leave us Karen waving goodbye to her as she walked around to the driver’s seat and got in as well.

  
“John, you were rude,” Karen said huffily as she started backing out of the parking space.

  
“I was rude?” John balked loudly, “That woman knows nothing about me and neither do you. I mean you don’t even know how old Catherine is.”

  
“Well forgive me for forgetting how old Catherine is when there are so many of you. And you’re right she doesn’t know anything about you so, you should have been polite. I don’t think you’re a bad kid but man you have an attitude problem John. Man…” Karen sighed shaking her head, “If you knew my Dad.”

  
I remember reacting before I really thought about it. Her Dad was Hank. Hank who had tortured my brother. Hank who John didn’t want to talk about.

  
“So, Karen, did she ask how much you make?” I asked attempting to change the subject Karen flicking her wrists at me in a dismissive gesture.

  
“Not now Will,” She added, “Like I was saying if you knew my Dad you wouldn’t…”

  
I smacked my hand over my face as I heard him say it thinking about how stupid it was he would let his temper get the best of him, how stupid that he would say anything about Hank at all especially when Hank did those things to him.

  
“I know your father very intimately Karen, thank you,” he hissed folding his arms across his chest and taking an intense interest in the scenery as we drove down the road.

  
She looked at him gob dropped open as we pulled up to a stop light her stop a little rough jostling us a little bit, “What, what do you mean?” she stammered staring at him unable to close her mouth.

  
He shook his head his cheeks flushing, “I’m not saying it again.”

  
Karen finally managed to shut her mouth instead of looking like a snake trying to swallow a meal five times its size, “O K,” she said slowly hitting her turn signal and turning into the block buster parking lot making me sigh.

  
“Karen, we’re supposed to be going home,” I reminded her. This wasn’t the time to stop some place and I really just wanted to get home and out of this car where I was pretty sure there was about to be some type of yelling match that would end with at least one of my siblings in tears.

  
“Yes Will, but I need to pull over and have a discussion with your brother for a minute,” Karen hissed at me in a deadly serious tone.

  
“Don’t yell at him!” John snapped loudly.

  
“Don’t yell at me,” Karen snarled back.

  
“Really?” Mike muttered from the back seat before he leaned into my shoulder hiding his face against my arm as Matt caught my eye and shook his head lacing his fingers in-between Mike’s and pulling Mike’s hand into his lap.

  
She pulled into a parking spot and parked the car and then told all of us to stay where we were and ordered John out of the car in a short but loud barking voice.

  
She was pissed. So, she knew exactly what he had said. She either knew her Dad was like that and didn’t like hearing about it, was in denial or she had no idea and didn’t like hearing he did those things. I sighed not sure what exactly I was doing. Not sure how I was supposed to keep everyone entertained as they yelled at each other.

  
“John,” Karen said measuredly a tight smile on her face as she opened John’s door when he didn’t move to get out of the car, “Out before I tell your Dad about this when I take you home. We need to talk. Now.”

  
With that John got out of the car sighing heavily shooting me a look like he thought there had to be something better to do with his time than talk to the babysitter and slammed the door walking away from the car.

  
“Why is she so mad?” Matt asked.

  
“Because of what John said,” I answered.

  
“What did he say?” Matt asked.

  
“I heard him say he knew her Dad. Does he know her dad?” Mike asked me.

  
“Well, yeah. You know her Dad too. Remember the police officer we met at the airport?” I reminded them.

  
“That’s her Dad?” James asked from the seat behind me.

  
“Yeah,” I stated.

  
“I didn’t know that was her Dad,” Mike told me.

  
“Well, now you do. He’s not very nice to John,” I said to them.

  
“That’s not what Da told me that one time,” Matt said.

  
“What one time?” I asked him.

  
“I saw him leaving in his police car. I asked him why he was there and Da said to talk to John. So, then I asked if John had been bad and Da said no that John was very good and that Hank wanted him to know that so he was making him feel good,” Matt said simply.

  
I felt sick to my stomach. So, Matt had seen that Hank was around and hadn’t told mum or me. Why would he do that? Why would he let John feel alone in that?

  
“When was this?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t know. A while ago. Why?” he asked me.

  
“Because you should have told someone,” I said.

  
“You’ve told me before it doesn’t matter who is in your room with you. You shouldn’t ask about it or talk about it,” he pointed out to me.

  
“Yes, I did say that. Didn’t I?” I sighed.

  
“Ok, so what does this mean?” James asked.

  
“Don’t worry about it bud,” I said shaking my head looking around out the windows so see if I could see them.

  
I could see both of them talking to each other frowning John going to walk away and Karen grabbing his arm and holding it hard making it impossible for him to do so. Why would she do that? Why wouldn’t she let him go? This wasn’t fair and just as I was about to open the door and say something she let go of his arm and said something her body language changing.

  
John sighed and sat down in the dirt in a parking lot divider his head in his hands looking like he was trying to breathe, trying to relax. Both of them silent for a minute not looking at each other before they started to speak again Karen saying something to him her head cocked as she listened to him closely, listened to his response.

  
The more he talked the more rigid her body language became until they both stood up John kicking a stone at his feet and nodding his head sadly. Like he was disappointed. Like he felt slightly stupid his tell showing before he started stumbling towards the van and opened the door.

  
“Of course, you do,” he muttered barely loud enough to hear as he climbed in and buckled his seat belt choosing to stay staring out the window and not looking at anyone and especially not Karen.

  
I had no idea what they had said. What had passed between them but John seemed half heart broken. Like maybe he was hoping for a different outcome. Like maybe he had said something that he probably shouldn’t have. Like someone had deflated him like a balloon with a tiny hole that air was escaping from.


	30. Thirty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will encounters Arthur and Hank again when they get home. Him striking a deal with Arthur that he's not sure he should regret or not. He realizes he hasn't checked Da's emails in a while and snoops late during a sleepless night and ends up paying a price. A price that helps him understand John and John's anxiety a little better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 460 to 473. I know it's a little short but it's detailed and big things are about to happen so next chapter might be kind of long because I'm going to try and put Christmas (if you remember Christmas in John pt1. It's very not fun) that way it's done and over with and can go back to other things. So yeah short Chapter. **The end of Chapter 9 in the Johnathan Chronicles part 1. WARNINGS:** Rape/non-con, Forced oral (receptive and giving), anal fingering, talk of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, emotional manipulation, extortion, obviously the underage warning always applies.

When we got home and pulled into the driveway and around the garage towards the kitchen there was a police cruiser and a blue sedan parked there next to the pool gate. I knew the cruiser was Hanks and I remembered he had said he would be back later. That him and the other guy, Arthur would be back later. I sighed and I watched John’s body language change as Karen put the van into park.

  
Karen started unbuckling toddlers from their car seats and letting them out of the van without watching them and I went to go round them up before John tried to hand me a car seat, “Will? Take her please,” he said trying to hand Mary to me. Her red little head swiveling to look at me as he held her carrier it out by the handle.

  
“John, she’s too heavy,” I sighed putting her carrier gently down on the ground as Da came out followed by Hank and Arthur, “John I need you to help please. I can’t get them upstairs just Karen and I,” I said looking at Da to see if I could read what was going on. As my thought started spinning out of control. This was bad. This wasn’t good.

  
They came of the house to greet us. Their action telling me that Da had told them something. Had brought them here for a reason and I couldn’t tell why. I didn’t know why and that scared me desperately. I had no idea what was going on but, I felt like they shouldn’t have been there.

  
Arthur stepped forward and put his hand on the handle of Mary’s carrier, “Hi William. Right? Remember me from earlier? I’m Mr. Gables. I’ll help you get everyone inside. Your father and officer Kingly need to talk to your older brother for a minute,” he said picking up the carrier before I could stop him, “Why don’t you grab some groceries and I’ll meet you upstairs? Don’t worry I know where. Your Dad gave me a tour of the house already. You have a very lovely home…” he said as he turned and started walking away from me.

  
I had no choice but to grab one of the lighter boxes of food and follow him quickly as he took my baby away. Took her away from me and John where I couldn’t see what he was doing with her. My heart pounding against my chest as I half ran to catch up setting the box carefully on the counter as he set her on the floor near the stair way.

  
“What are you doing here?” I asked him.

  
“I told you. Your Da and Hank have to talk to John,” he said, “Don’t worry about it. Everything is fine. Ok?”

  
I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t believe that at all. I wanted mum to come out of hiding. I wanted mum to know that they were here. Again. That they were going to hurt someone.

  
“Why do you look so upset?” Arthur asked me, “It’s ok I swear. You’re going to be fine. How about you grab Mac? I think his name is. And I’ll grab the other little one. What’s his name?” Arthur asked.

  
“Seamus,” I answered as I followed him back outside, James had Mike’s hand as Matt took Andy’s and lead them inside the house and Laura grabbed a hold of Cat’s at the encouragement of Da following them.

  
“Oh! He’s to die for!” Hank said as Karen got Mac out of his car seat and climbed out of the Van.

  
“I know. Aren’t they just so cute?” Karen cooed giving my little brother a kiss on the cheek making him babble as he looked at her.

  
“Can I hold him Connor?” Hank asked not taking his eyes off my brother.

  
“But I’m supposed to take him upstairs,” I said quietly, “Mr. Gables just said so.”

  
“Maybe later then,” Da said nodding his head, “Go on, you can take him honey.”

  
I went up to Karen and grabbed him holding him to my chest and looking at him, running my free hand over his face and shoulders making sure he was ok. That everything was ok and no one had touched him. Hank wasn’t allowed near him. I knew what Hank was like. That he had that thing about red heads and I didn’t trust it not to include babies. I sighed tucking his head under my chin as he played with the collar of my shirt for minute.

  
“It’s ok honey,” Da said, “Go inside.”

  
“Yeah, I got this one,” Mr. Gables said, “And Karen can you grab Mary’s car seat and we’ll work on getting everyone settled in upstairs?”

  
“Yeah, of course,” Karen said.

  
When we got inside Matt and Mike were working on getting Andy and Laura and Cat upstairs holding hands and telling them to hold onto the railing as we gathered up the non-walkers and followed them up using encouragement to try and make them move faster. Once we were in the lift Arthur set Seamus’s carrier down for a minute.

  
“I almost forgot how heavy those things were. It’s not often I deal with babies,” he laughed flexing his hand and massaging his wrists looking at Karen.

  
“I thought you were a social worker though?” Karen questioned.

  
“I am. I just usually deal with kids in the older bracket from ages 9 to 18. It just depends on where they put you though,” he said.

  
“Why are you here?” She asked as the lift opened onto our floor. He then picked the carrier back up.

  
“Where do you want him?” he asked Karen.

  
“Oh, just follow me,” she said picking up Mary and leading the way into the play room where the play pen was and setting the carrier down starting to unstrap Mary.

  
“I’m here because apparently John said something that raised some concerns while he was hospitalized. I’m not at liberty to discuss what it was but, I’m sure it’s nothing.” Arthur said as I lifted Mac up and placed him in the play pen as well.

  
“Really? I mean he is a teenager and he does have an attitude problem but I wouldn’t think he’d do something like that. Not to his parents. I guess he’s just accusing everyone of abuse huh?” She muttered.

  
“Who else has he accused?” Arthur asked frowning putting Mac in the playpen as well.

  
“My Dad believe it or not,” she said, “I told him that was a flat out lie and good try but I wasn’t buying it. I’m not even sure he really knows my Dad.”

  
“No, him and John’s uncle hang out so he’s probably seen him around but I doubt he knows him past that,” Arthur said, “I mean if any of it was true who would know better than me?”

  
“Very true Arthur,” She said, “By the way how is that going?”

  
“Very well. Thank you for asking,” Arthur said, “I know I’m happy and he seems pretty happy.”

  
“Well good. As long as you are both happy,” she said.

  
I wasn’t sure what they were talking about exactly. My brain not connecting it that maybe the reason they were there together had something more to do with them and less to do with legal stuff or the brotherhood. I sighed before turning to Karen.

  
“Karen? Do you mind if I go to my room for a little while?” I asked her.

  
“No, go ahead Will. Thank you for asking. If I need you for anything I will let you know,” she said.

  
“Hold on a second,” Arthur said touching my shoulder, “I’ll come with you ok?”

  
“Why?” I asked causing them both to laugh.

  
“Just a couple of questions,” he told me as he followed me down the hall.

  
I went into my room and he followed behind me shutting the door. My anxiety level shot up. Why was he shutting the door? He shouldn’t be shutting the door. That wasn’t ok. That wasn’t allowed. I felt myself freaking out clenching my fist to try and calm myself down.

  
“It’s ok,” he said staying where he was as I backed away, “I’m not here for that today ok?”

  
“What do you want?” I asked him quietly.

  
“I just wanted to let you know that your brother told someone something that he shouldn’t have. That your Dad asked Hank and I to take care of it. To make sure he understands he can’t do that. I want you to pay very close attention the next time you see him and remember if you ever say anything to anyone that will be you. You understand?” he said.

  
I nodded my head in response. So, they were going to hurt John. He had been right. They were going to do something really bad to him.

  
“Oh, don’t get upset beautiful,” Arthur said sitting down on the bed, “Do you want to help him? Make it so it’s not so bad?”

  
“I can help him?” I asked confused.

  
“Yeah,” he said, “If you want that is.”

  
“How?” I asked.

  
“Come sit next to me and we’ll talk about it. How does that sound?” he asked me patting the spot beside him.

  
I moved towards him slowly expecting him to reach out and grab me and not let me go but he didn’t move just watched me. Looked at me. His eyes not even doing that thing where they made me feel gross like Ben and Da did when I got too close to them. I sat down beside him.

  
“You’re pretty,” he told me.

  
“I’m a boy. I’m not pretty,” I muttered looking at my feet and kicking my shoes off.

  
“Boys can be pretty too,” he said, “It’s not just a word for girls.”

  
“I can help him?” I asked Arthur.

  
“Only if you want to. You can’t tell anyone though. Do you want to help him? No matter what?” He asked me.

  
“He’s my brother and I love him but, I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“Why not? If you love him so much,” he asked, “I would think if you really cared about him that much you would do anything for him.”

  
“What do I have to do to help him?” I asked.

  
“You have to promise you’ll do it. And that you won’t tell anyone no matter what,” Arthur said.

  
“Can you tell me what it is first so then…”

  
“No,” he snapped, “You either agree you’ll do it and you won’t say anything or you say no. That’s the deal. You don’t get to know until you say yes.”

  
That didn’t sound fair to me. What would he do to John though if I didn’t help him? If I could help him I should. I should help him no matter what because of all the times he had helped me. And this time he wasn’t here to stop me or step in like he had with Da the other night when I tried to help him then. Would this be like that? Like with Da?

  
I sighed thinking about it. It probably was. He probably wanted to do things to me. Those types of things that made it hard to think, hard to breathe. Could I do that with someone that wasn’t Da? That wasn’t Ben? Would I do that for John if I thought it would make things less bad for him?

  
Yes. Yes, I would and I knew I would. No matter what it was, I would do it if I thought it would help him even a little bit. If it meant he had to suffer a little less.

  
“I promise,” I said and Arthur smiled at me.

  
“Good,” he said standing up and undoing his pants, “take off your clothes.”

  
I blinked at him frozen. Just like that? He wasn’t even going to tell me what it was? But he had promised he would say what it was. Why wasn’t he telling me what it was?

  
“W-w-what?” I managed.

  
“It won’t hurt, just take off your clothes,” he repeated, his pants falling around his ankles as he pulled down his underwear revealing the curly mess of hair between his legs his penis starting to swell with excitement.

  
I wrapped my arms around myself looking back at my feet. He wanted me naked but he wasn’t going to get naked. Da always got all the way naked and not like half way. Not like Arthur and the way he was standing there. The idea making me nervous, making me feel exposed. I wasn’t sure I was ok with that.

  
“Hey, you promised,” he pointed out and I closed my eyes taking a deep breath and nodding my head before I lifted my shirt up and let it fall to the floor, “Beautiful.” He muttered leaning forward and running his hands down the curves of my shoulders making me shiver.

  
My mouth felt dry. He was going to make me do this. I had agreed to this. This was for John. It was to help John. John who needed the help. He needed me to do this for him so they wouldn’t hurt him so bad. I remember my body starting to feel hot even though I was wearing less clothes. I closed my eyes to try and get my breathing under control.

  
“It’s ok I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to see you ok?” Arthur said quietly trying to coax me out of the rest of my clothing.

  
I needed to do this for John. To make sure they didn’t hurt him too bad. I needed to do this. This was for John. This wasn’t Barry or Mr. Lord. This was someone different that might feel different, not like them. I needed to do this for John.  
I remember thinking that in my head over and over like a broken record. I had promised I would. He was right I had said that I would. There wasn’t any way I could back down now. I sighed standing up him breaking contact with my skin allowing me to stand as I undid my jeans.

  
“there we go,” he smiled at me nodding his head encouragingly making me freeze my hands on each side of my zipper at my waist, “Oh, don’t tell me you’re a shy one? It’s ok pretty, let me help.”

  
He grabbed the fabric besides my hands and lowered it down my thighs the tips of his fingers against my skin making me jump as he pulled them down letting them rest around my ankles. He muttered something I couldn’t hear. His hands going to the waist band of my briefs and pulling those down too my whole body feeling like it was on fire causing me to start sweating as I squeezed my eyes closed.

  
“It’s ok, just breathe,” he said holding me against him, “Just breathe it’s ok. I won’t hurt you. I promise.”

  
I knew I was having trouble breathing, trouble thinking that same thought still repeating through my head “ _I need to do it for John, I need to do it for John._ ” As I felt his hands playing with my hips and waist where my briefs had just been the bare skin there feeling like it was being set on fire from the touch of his fingers.

  
“Hey? Can you look at me?” he whispered into the top of my head as he wrapped my arms around his waist near the hem of his button up shirt he was still wearing, “Come on pretty, just look at me.”

  
I sighed trying to get myself to breathe before I opened my eyes looking up at him. It was weird. Something about his eyes the same but, different from theirs. I couldn’t tell what he was seeing but, it was something they didn’t. Something I still can’t explain the way he was looking at me.

  
“There you are,” he said running a hand over the back of my hair, “You’re very pretty.”

  
“You said that,” I barely whispered.

  
“Because it’s true,” he said his hand moving to my neck, “Can you do me favor pretty? Sit down. You know, on the bed?”

  
I nodded my head and did as I was told. His hands wandered the sides of my neck and Jaw, rubbing my shoulders as he stood in front of me. My face level with that mess of dark brown hair. His hardness evident making me eyes go wide at it. Usually my face wasn’t that close to crotches.

  
At least not at that point. That was something Da hadn’t made me do since I was little and he had climbed into my bed at night the only other one I had given to Uncle Ben that I barely remembered because he had choked me on it. I looked up at him fearfully.

  
“It won’t hurt you,” he said laughing a little bit.

  
“It’s…” I had to swallow and try again, “it’s not that. I…you’re not going to choke me? Are you?” I asked my face flushing with embarrassment.

  
“No,” he said biting his bottom lip in amusement, “you’re much too pretty for that. Just touch it, kiss it and lick it. Don’t worry about that part.”

  
“Oh,” I said quietly looking up at his face for a minute, “Are you sure?”

  
“Yes, I’m sure. It’ll really help your brother you know? Make me have a little less energy, be a little nicer,” he told me.

  
I remember hovering my hand near it. Being hesitant about it. Could I really trust him to not do that? Not choke me with it? Ben had. I didn’t think he would when he did it either.

  
“You can do it, or I will choke you on it and I’ll make sure your brother does too. You want that?” He said grabbing the back of my neck hard.

  
“Ok, ok,” I said nodding my head before I closed my eyes, taking his penis in my hands.

  
I tried to relax. To find a rhythm being careful that I didn’t lick it too much or put too much of it in my mouth. He put his hand on the back of my head but he didn’t push on it or force my face forward like uncle Ben did even though he did moan, making some of the same sounds. It didn’t take long before it started to taste super salty and kind of like boogers hitting my tongue making me pull back causing him to laugh.

  
“Sorry,” he said, “I thought you would swallow. That’s ok though.”

  
I looked down at my lap rubbing the back of my hand across my mouth. He thought I wanted to swallow his…his stuff? No. It tasted way too gross like licking a salt water fish tank it wasn’t something I enjoyed at all even just a small taste of it. I mean everyone tastes a little different but his was way too salty. Like a not good salty. It was a bitter taste like maybe he ate too much fried food or something.

  
“you ok?” he laughed pulling up his boxers and doing up his pants, “You look like you swallowed a lemon.”

  
“Weird taste,” I answered.

  
“Ah,” he said nodding his head, “well let’s get you dressed and then get you some water or something.” He told me, “Sorry about that.”

  
“It’s ok,” I said trying to wipe the disgusted look off my face, “Did I do ok?”

  
“You did wonderfully,” he told me nodding his head, “I think you really helped your brother out.”

  
He sighed and picked my shirt up off the floor handing it to me, “You’re so pretty.” He muttered again.

  
I just sighed and nodded my head. So, I was pretty. What exactly did that mean? I was attractive? I reminded him of a girl? What did he mean by that?

  
“Thank you. Your brother is very lucky to have you,” he told me and I nodded my head again. I pulled my briefs up from my ankles and then my jeans, “We’ll have to spend some more time together at some point.”

  
“Ok,” I said quietly, “Are you going to…”

  
“Yeah, I have stuff I have to do. Again, thank you and I’ll keep it in mind that you did this for me while I’m downstairs teaching him his lesson.”

  
When he was gone I shut the door behind him leaning my face against the door feeling the cold wood. At least he didn’t really touch me there. Make me feel his hands there even if they had been on other parts of my body. It was worse when they touched me like that. Giving a blow job was not that horrible compared to them touching me down there. I sighed relieved he was gone allowing myself to calm down.

  
I grabbed my book and tried to read for a while before Karen called me out into the kitchen and had me set the table. When I was done I grabbed kids and putting them in booster seats and high chairs before I sat down and ate as Karen started feeding Mac, “Hey Will once I’m done with him could you please clean up Andy a little bit before I let him out?”

  
“Sure, I’m almost done,” I said which was true. I had eaten most of my chicken and all that was left was my peas. Once I finished the rest of my peas I got up and grabbed the baby wipes wiping down his face and arms before I let him down making sure he was free of peas and food before I took his hand and took him out into the living room before turning back around and making sure I did the same to Laura and Mac.

  
“Where is John?” James asked me.

  
“I don’t know bud. Why?” I asked him.

  
“Because he said yesterday he would tuck me in but he’s not here and it’s going to be bed time soon,” he told me.

  
“He’s got two hours to come around. If he’s not here I’ll tuck you in ok?” I told him.

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head.

  
“How is the land before time for tonight’s movie guys?” I asked them.

  
“Sounds good to me,” Mike said.

  
“I’ll watch it,” Matty said trying to pick up Andy.

  
“Put Andy down please,” I told him.

  
“Why he’s fine,” he said as Andy stuck his finger up Matt’s nose.

  
“Because I said so and I have to rock him to get him settled in,” I said to him.

  
“It’s only 5pm,” Matt told me frowning.

  
“Yeah but he goes to bed at 6pm,” I told him, “So I need to rock him and get him to calm down which is why we have a rocker in this room.”

  
“Can I rock him then?” he asked looking at me.

  
“Huh, don’t you want to watch the movie?” I asked him.

  
“No, I’d rather rock him,” he said.

  
I wasn’t sure what to do but I knew I’d be right there so the odds of anything unusual happening was very slim, “Ok, you can rock him.”

  
“Really?” he asked excitedly giving me a peek at the Matty I used to know once. The Matty that seemed happy to spend time with his family. The Matty that was kid like. The Matty that I had been told wasn’t real.

  
“Yeah, go sit down,” I said to him as he climbed into the rocker excitedly and sat down with his arms out to which Andy frowned at him, “Come on Andy. I want to rock you.”

  
“rock for bed? NO! NO BED!” he shouted.

  
“Not for bed, just to rock,” Matty said frowning at him.

  
“Oh,” Andy said frowning like he was thinking about it for a minute, “Ok.”

  
I smiled amused at the whole thing before I helped Andy climb into Matt’s lap and I picked up Mac and started pacing the room bouncing him getting him to wind down for the night as well. I kept an eye on Matt. At the time, I knew that Matt was slightly off, dangerous I just didn’t know how much. If I had I probably wouldn’t have allowed him to hold Andy or be anywhere near Andy or any of them for that matter but like I said at the time I didn’t know.

  
By the time the movie was finished almost everyone was already asleep even Matt had managed to rock him and Andy into a deep sleep. It looked cute. I allowed them to skip teeth brushing and got them into bed and was about to go to bed myself when I heard a knock on my door.

  
“Yeah?” I asked opening my door to find Karen standing there.

  
“Hey Will, your Dad told me to tell that I have tomorrow off but that it’s just tomorrow and he said something about you waking up your mom,” she said to me, “Making her get up and help you. Whatever that means? Well anyway tomorrow is my day off.”  
“Ok,” I said, “Thanks for telling me.”

  
“Oh, totes no problem,” she said smiling, “Chow I’ll see you Thursday.”

  
“Ok,” I said as she walked away leaving me to shut my door.

  
So, I was supposed to handle everyone tomorrow by myself? Because that was exactly what was going to happen. Mum wasn’t ready to leave that room and I knew it. I knew I was going to be on my own and that it was going to be a very long day tomorrow because mum wasn’t going to come out. I hadn’t seen her in two days so I doubted I would see her tomorrow.

  
Knowing this made it super hard to sleep, made it impossible for my brain to shut off. I realized it had been a little while since I had checked Da’s emails and I knew he would probably be in a bed at that point so I decided to sneak down and check. He wasn’t around when I made it the 3rd floor. No one was. I sighed and sat down at the computer typing in the password.

  
What I saw made my stomach retch when I clicked onto the first email. It was Mr. Lord talking about us. Us kids. It had our names and then a list of things he liked about us. About the ones he had met and how he was intrigued with the rest of us. How he liked how quiet I was, how shy I seemed to be. How he liked James’ pictures. How he was the perfect age, how he was barely “touched”. How John looked good on camera. How I was tall for my age and John was well endowed. How he was hoping James was shy like me so he could go slow. So, he could… I clicked out of that email closing my eyes and trying to breathe. I almost walked away but I realized I didn’t know when or how to stop it.

  
That he was talking about raping my little brother and I didn’t know when he was going to do it. If I at least knew when maybe I could convince Da not to let him do it. Not to do that to him. He was only little. He was only six. If he did that to him it would hurt 100 times worse than the first time Da had done that to me. Da had barely gone into him last time and yet when Da had pulled away there was blood everywhere and he had been crying so hard. How could Da want someone to do that to him? How could anyone let someone do that to him?

  
I scanned a couple more emails and kept finding Christmas Eve. Figuring that must be the date and made sure I shut everything down standing up to leave when I heard the lift kick on. Oh fuck. I’m not sure that was my thought verbatim but the 10-year-old equivalent of that. I wasn’t sure how I was going to explain this away to da when the lift stopped but I knew I shouldn’t be in his office so I went into the guest room shutting the door behind me probably just as the lift door opened.

  
“What the…? Will honey what are you doing down here?” he asked me turning on the light to see me standing in the middle of the room.

  
“I-I couldn’t sleep,” I said quietly hoping that telling at least a half truth would keep me out of trouble.

  
“Why did you come down here though?” Da asked me.

  
“I didn’t want to turn on the TV upstairs,” I answered, “It would wake everyone up and then I’d have to get everyone back to sleep and…”

  
“So, you decided to watch TV in here instead?” he questioned looking at the TV up against the wall between the walk-in closet and bathroom, “bored and just looking for a way to wind down?”

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

  
“I can help with that. Help you relax go to sleep,” he said taking a couple of steps forward causing me to recoil from him a little bit.

  
I didn’t mean to do it but he was looking at me like that. Making it very clear what he meant and I had already… I didn’t want any more hands on me. I knew I couldn’t tell him not to. That I wasn’t allowed to say no.

  
“Come here honey,” he said opening his arms like he was waiting for me to walk over to him and embrace him, “It’s ok. I won’t hurt you.”

  
I took a deep breath and walked into his arms. I don’t know what I was hoping for. That maybe he would be the Da he had once been? The Da that didn’t touch me like that all the time. I knew it probably wouldn’t be like that but, I wanted it to be. He wrapped his arms tightly around me breathing into my hair before he picked me up kissing my cheek and then giving me a peck on my lips before I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see him.

  
So, I didn’t have to see him as I felt the wet slipperiness of his tongue going into my mouth as he moved us to the bed letting me fall from his hands. I hit the bed with a slight “flump”. So, this was…this was going to be my first time alone with him in a while. Since James. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  
“It’s ok,” he said pulling my shirt up over my head, “Just relax. I’ll help you feel nice and sleepy ok honey?”

  
With that he licked the roof of my mouth before pulling away and kissing and licking his way down my neck to my chest his hands on my hips as I grabbed at his wrists making him pull away for a second, “Please daddy? Please?” I begged him.

  
I was telling him I didn’t want to the only way I could think of. The only way I knew he wouldn’t get super mad at me. I didn’t want to do this with him. I didn’t want him touching me like that. I didn’t want his tongue or his lips on me like that. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that he was allowed to do that and I couldn’t tell him no. I couldn’t tell him how much I hated it. How badly I wanted him to stop.

  
“It’s ok honey,” he said his hands going to the front of my jeans and undoing them quickly pulling them and my briefs off in one movement, “I’ll make you feel good ok?”

  
He didn’t even give me time to respond. His mouth went there his hands rubbing at my chest, my nipples. It was instant. The way it made my whole body feel heavy, made it nearly impossible to move. Impossible to think. I didn’t know what to do but I couldn’t move. His lips around me and I couldn’t move or say or do anything. The air almost hurting when he stopped pulling away for a second.

  
“Feels good huh honey?” he asked me before he started slowly sliding a finger in making my body tense, “No. No just relax. Stay relaxed.”

  
I always hated the way the pressure felt. The way it felt almost like too much going in at first no matter how big or small the object. Them almost always using a figure first. I kept my eyes closed trying to breathe deeply trying to relax as he pushed the finger in farther the feeling causing the pressure to increase. Causing me to move. To try and get away from the feeling me wheezing or groaning with my lips pressed tightly together.

  
“Feels good huh honey?” he said, “I bet it does. I bet if one feels good two…” he said shoving another finger inside me causing me to hiss, “feels even better.”

  
He started moving them. Scissoring me open sometimes going in hard and pressing against that spot curving them in towards my pelvic wall making my whole-body shudder at the contact. It felt like a slight burn and tickle traveling up my spine and into the rest of my body.

  
I hated the way it felt. The way it made it hard to think, hard to function. I couldn’t stand it the feeling of his fingers in me, hitting against that spot knowing what he was doing it for. Why he was doing it and trying to be quiet. I wanted to scream, tell him to stop, tell him no but all I could do was say his name and “please” and he would take that however he wanted.

  
“You want it don’t you honey?” he muttered leaning forward and kissing my neck, “You want my cock, don’t you? Are you my little cock slut? Yeah? You’re my little cock slut. Aren’t you?”

  
I didn’t know how to respond to that. He had never called me that before. Before my brain figured out how to process it he moved starting to push into me.

  
I grabbed his hands that were on my hips and started trying to get him off me, trying to push him away. It started to burn, him sliding his way into me. It always burned at first because the muscles were so tight and I was so scared and dreading what it felt like once they were all the way inside. I kicked at him the best I could his one had grabbing my knee when I lifted my leg up to kick out at him and see if I could catch him in the face. He squeezed the pressure point behind my knee shaking his head.

  
“Don’t do that. You don’t want to be a bad little cock slut. You want to be a good one. You understand?” He hissed his eyes angry at me.

  
I froze. He was right. He could always make it worse. It didn’t always seem like they could but in this case I knew it was possible and they needed me upstairs. With mum locking herself away in that bedroom and John god knows where I needed to be able to walk tomorrow. I needed to be able to move tomorrow. I gulped and nodded my head. I stopped fighting.

  
“Good,” he said nodding his head lining up again and starting to push his way inside.

  
I whimpered, “Daddy it hurts…”

  
“I know honey just give it a second, I’m almost in…” he said tilting his head back looking up at the ceiling closing his eyes a smile of ecstasy on his face.

  
When he was finally in he leaned forward into me pressing his chest to mine. I felt my whole body shaking as he waited for my body to adjust, to relax. My chest was heaving and I was trying so hard not to cry because just like Uncle Ben it was too much. It was too much pressure and it hurt so much.

  
“It’s ok just relax,” he cooed running a hand through my hair as he leaned over me as I tried to keep breathing. As I tried to keep myself from crying because I knew crying would make him mad. God, I didn’t want this.

  
“Is it still burning?” he asked me, kissing my ear and jaw bone.

  
I couldn’t speak, I found myself breathing so hard, the act of passing air in and out of my lungs so difficult I couldn’t find my voice so I shook my head. The pain had subsided. The only thing left the uncomfortable fullness of him being inside me.

  
“Yeah? Good. It’s good for me. You feel so nice in there,” he said smiling at me, “Tell me if it hurts. I need you to tell me if it hurts because I don’t want to hurt you ok?”

  
I nodded my head closing my eyes because I hated looking at his face. I hated seeing him while he did that to me. Knowing what was happening and knowing it was my Da and I didn’t want it to happen. That he knew that and he was doing it anyway. That hurt more than any physical pain ever could.

  
The pressure lightened as he pulled his hips back before he rolled them forward again thrusting into me causing me to gasp in surprise as he hit that spot and rocked my body backward into the mattress under us. I hated the way it felt, how it tingled almost so much it burned making me feel like I had to pee as his penis briefly made contact with my prostate.

  
“I know honey. God you’re such a little cock slut. Are you my cock slut?” he muttered into my neck as he repeated the act over and over.

  
His right hand stayed on my hip helping him hold rhythm while his left hand to travel up and down my body squeezing and grabbing me in different places. I fisted the sheets besides me my nails almost breaking through them and digging into the palms of my hands as I squeezed trying to keep some control over my body. Trying to breathe, trying to stop myself from shaking, from trembling.

  
“That’s the spot, isn’t it?” he asked when I whimpered him rocking really hard and deep into me, “Yeah? Is that it honey? Is that it my beautiful little cock slut? Yeah you like that? I like that too. I want you to have my cock, all of my cock. And I know you want it too you greedy little thing,” he said one of his hands moving to my face, “Look at me. Look at me my little cock slut open your eyes. I want to see you come.”

  
He was right my body was close. It couldn’t take anymore, it was barely holding on all of my muscles burning as they tried to stay taunt, tensed to keep me from letting him have what he wanted. Me locking my jaw shut to keep myself from screaming out those words that so desperately wanted to rip free from my throat just behind my tongue.

  
“No. Open your eyes, look at me,” he hissed grabbing me hard by the bottom jaw and pushing on the pressure points there making me eyes snap open making my stomach drop and mouth go numb and dry forcing my mouth open.

  
“ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,” I heard leave my mouth before I could stop it my face going red.

  
“That’s right slut, make those noises. Tell me how good it…oh shit here it is, oh YES!!!!” he screamed as I felt him press into me latching onto my hip hard as he thrusted in deep and then stopped that weird liquid feeling filling me.

  
My whole body contracted causing me to orgasm shortly after coating my own stomach and his in that sticky pool of mess as he pulled himself off me. Him then slumping over onto the bed next to me. I couldn’t shut my eyes but, I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t move my eyes trained blankly on the ceiling above me.

  
He waited for my breathing and his to slow down and go back to normal before he spoke again, “That was amazing. Almost as good as your brother. Slightly different but fucking amazing,” he muttered.

  
I sighed nodding my head my hands still wrapped up in the sheets I was gripping. He wasn’t going to do it again? Was he? I knew he could go again. I’d seen it happen before. I didn’t think I could do it again though. I felt beyond tired and beyond sick and gross and sweaty. I felt like I was going to scream at any second and just wished he would leave so I could. So, I could finally feel free to move. So, that I could get up and wash him off me, out of me.

  
“Are you ok?” he asked directly into my ear turning to me putting his hand on my stomach causing my throat to close up.

  
I somehow managed to nod my head. Not able to do anything else because I knew if I tried to speak I would end up crying, sobbing. He kissed my cheek a small peck at first and then another and another before he started kissing into my neck making me lock my jaw closed again afraid he was going to start up at again at any second.

  
“Hey, hey it’s ok,” he muttered, “You’re shaking. It’s ok. I did come up here to do something else after all, even if I can’t remember what it was right off hand. I know that was tiring for you. You came hard after all. All because I couldn’t help but give it to you. You really are my little cock slut though aren’t you honey? I love you. I’m going to go now. You just calm down ok?”

  
He sighed and took his hands off me sitting up on the edge of the bed before he got up and pulled the covers over me, folding them in half so that I didn’t have to get up to get under them. I swear I held my breath until he left the room.

  
When he was finally gone it felt like all the air came rushing back in. At first, I tried to stop it. Tried to stop the tears from coming because I wasn’t sure where he was. How far away he was but, I found the harder I fought it the more I squeaked and gasped. The harder it was to breathe until I finally allowed myself to inhale deeply and roll over onto my side grabbing a pillow and hugging it with my shaking arms wishing it was mum.

  
So, was that what it was like for him? With Da calling him names and saying those things? He was right I didn’t want that. I didn’t ever want that again. At least Ben didn’t say those things the whole entire time. At least he mostly grunted and groaned and didn’t call you names like that. Call you names that no one should ever call anyone while he told you that you just needed to relax. I liked the fact that Ben wasn’t like everyone else in that respect. Wasn’t like the Leader or Barry. But apparently Da was.

  
I laid there curled into the pillow until I could feel my legs again. Until I didn’t think I’d scream if I opened my mouth. Until I was done crying and I didn’t feel like I was choking anymore. My thighs burned when I stood up making it hard to lift my legs, hard to walk. Even uncle Ben had never done that before. Pushed me so hard for so long that my inner thighs felt like I’d done a million squats but somehow, I managed to move, managed to get myself into the bathroom and turn on the water starting the shower and then sitting down in the bottom of the stall.

  
It felt nice to have the water on me. To feel something other than disgusting and sticky and sweaty or feel him against me. Anyone against me. I stayed there until I was sure I could stand again standing up and scrubbing myself the best I could before I decided it was time to sleep. I didn’t want to sleep there. In case he came back so I managed to walk to the lift and then to my bedroom crawling into bed naked.


	31. Thirtyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will has a long day taking care of the babies mostly on his own after John is found injuried sitting on the stairs. Him and John go to Da after finding out about Da's holiday plans and make him a tempting offer. While John and Mum appear to be falling apart Will realizes it's not just Mum and John he has to worry about but, everyone maybe even himself included. **Chapter 10 John's Pt.1**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 474 to 502. **Warnings** Rape/Non-con, Forced Oral, talk of child sexual abuse, mentions of really young child sexual abuse, Guilt, Shame, mental health issues, anxiety, physical abuse, physical violence, blood, whipping (off script). I know it's been a while since I posted something here so I decided to update. You are about 100 pages behind what is actually written which means Christmas is for right now 100 pages long from Will's POV and still going. So that's fun. You'll get to see some of what happened there for reviews.

When my alarm went off I didn’t feel ready to be awake. I wanted to go back to sleep, to drift off to a different place where I didn’t have to do those things. Where Da didn’t make me do those things but, I knew I was on my own and had set my alarm accordingly.

  
When I was finally able to get myself up and dressed I went out to the kitchen to place the cereal out for the day only to find we had no milk upstairs. I sighed heavily. I didn’t want to go downstairs in case Da was awake. In case he wanted me. In case he wanted me to have sex again.

  
I remember taking the lift down to the second floor my whole body shaking with fear as I stepped outside of the lift and tiptoed down the hall past their room turning left to get to the staircase passing that one and deciding to go down the back staircase into the kitchen. I found him there.

  
He was battered and bloody. His back looked like someone had tried to rip it apart, like how they show the pictures of the slave guy in history books. Dried caked blood from his shoulders down. His chest was heaving as he leaned against the cold wall with his eyes closed. He opened his eyes when he felt me watching. The foot he was using to hold is position slipping causing him to grip the hand rail above his head before he fell off the stair he was sitting on.

  
“Shit!” I exclaimed hurrying over to him.

  
“Don’t touch me!” he hissed causing me to recoil from him as he did the same to me. His voice sounding horse like he had been screaming for a long time without fail.

  
“Ok, I’m not going to touch you, it’s ok,” I said squatting so that I wasn’t towering over him nearly as much sighing as I held out my hand waiting for him to take it.

  
“What time is it?” He croaked at me frowning.

 

“Around 7:30. I got up early because I’m on my own today. Like for real I guess,” I sighed shaking my head and frowning at him, “Da gave Karen the day off. So, does this mean H…”

  
“No, no, no, no,” he croaked starting to shake, putting his hands over his ears and closing his eyes while he shook his head.

  
“Ok. I won’t say it. You’re ok,” I said loud enough I was hoping he could hear me.

  
It was heart breaking. I knew that’s why they were there. Arthur had said as much. That if I did what I did for him he’d be nicer. Take it easier. That it would help him. Yet…he looked like he’d been whipped and beaten and raped within an inch of his life. He was traumatized.

  
I watched his breathing slow down again, him opening his eyes. It was almost like when Da had brought him home from the Villa only this time his eyes seemed almost empty, dead. Like he couldn’t process what had happened.

  
“I won’t say anything about it but,” I sighed not sure how to best put it and then decided that just saying it outright was probably best, “You’re covered in blood. Dry gross, cakey blood.”

  
He sighed heavily, “I bit a hole through my lip while I was sleeping.”

  
“No, like I mean the blood on your legs and it looks like there’s some on your chest. Not to mention your back,” I said the idea of how much pain he was in making me wince in sympathy.

  
He looked down before scratching at his skin causing some of the dried stuff to flake off a little bit making him sigh and lean back against the wall looking up at the ceiling and then closing his eyes.

  
He looked like he was in pain. Like he was somehow barely managing to ignore his body screaming at him to stop. That it was over, that he could finally maybe rest. I needed to get him somewhere he could pass out.

  
I sighed putting my hand out again, standing up, “I won’t touch you scouts honor but, can you come with me?” I asked him.

  
“Where are we going?” He asked me standing up placing a hand on his lower back as if to support himself as he got up slowly to his feet. He struggled slowly up the last few steps.

  
I knew what room mum hid in. Not because I had been in there but because she would want to be as close to the lift as possible. That way she could go upstairs and feed the babies since John was sure she was feeding them.

  
He looked at me opening the door and put his hand on my arm shaking his head as it reached for the handle, “No. She can’t deal with this.” He said his tongue going to his back moral showing how nervous he was, how scared.

  
“No John,” I said shaking my head,” You can’t deal with this. That and I’m not equipped to so if she can’t snap out of it for this don’t know what we’re going to do,” I said reaching out to grab his shoulder before I thought better of it lowering my hand back to my side as John took a step back, “See? That is exactly what I mean. How are you supposed to help me do anything when you can’t stand human contact? I need her John. We need her.”

  
He sighed moving to press his hand to his temple and nearly falling over catching himself on the wall beside him, “It’s not…” he took a deep breath. He seemed so beyond exhausted. So desperate and tired, “I feel like I have insects crawling all over me.” He said his voice catching in his throat as he whispered the words.

  
It hurt to see him like that. To see him hurting that much and knowing there was nothing I could do. There was no way I could take away his pain. I had done what I could and it had really served no purpose. Because I was stupid. Because I was desperate. At least that’s how I felt.

  
“Come on. For me, please?” I begged my hand still on the handle as I waited for him to nod which he did and then I opened the door.

  
Her hair was a mess like she hadn’t brushed it since she had entered the room. Since she had left us. She was still wearing the same clothes. The same cami her cardigan on the floor in the dark, her stockings on the foot of the bed her black maxi skirt pulled up slightly exposing her right leg up to the thigh as she sat up slightly sheltering her eyes from the sudden light that was out in the hallway.

  
“Mum?” I asked her softly.

  
“Will is that you?” She asked.

  
“Yeah mum it’s me, I...,” I said my voice catching.

  
I wanted to tell her everything. About Arthur, about Da and about John. Tell her how scared I was and how Karen wasn’t there and she wasn’t there and Matty was so sick and wrong and probably doing really bad things to Mike. How Da wanted to let that guy hurt James. How scared I was for him. For all of us. I swallowed trying to open my throat up and keep the tears at bay.

  
“I need you to look at something. Please don’t freak out, I need you right now. We need you right now and you have to be ok. You can’t freak out,” I begged her.

  
She sat up straighter her body language changing from confusion to fear. She knew something was wrong. That something had to be really wrong, “I’m ok. I’ll be fine whatever it is love,” she said rubbing her eyes in slow circles and couple of times as if to wipe the sleep away before she looked behind me, “Is that you John?”

  
“Remember you promised you wouldn’t freak out,” I told her, warned her, “I’m going to turn on the light now.”

  
I hit the light switch and I’m pretty sure everyone one of us blinked mum gasping and covering her mouth with her hands as I got a good look at John. He had what looked like tiny scratches raised and red down the length of his torso crisscrossing every which way. Like someone had taken and tried to scratch patterns into his skin. Them switching to just straight vertical lines at his waist until they hit his legs. The tiny dark red dots dotting every other spot of skin.

  
“Shit,” I whispered to myself.

  
He looked bad. It was amazing he was still standing at all. The fact that he needed the wall not even seeming like a big deal anymore. Just looking at him hurt. It was then I was sure they had whipped him at the very least if not stabbed him and scratched him. He had one crescent shaped bloody mark on his right side below his nipple. Obvious teeth marks. No wonder he had been afraid of being touched. Every single cell in his body had to be screaming in pain.

  
Mum smiled at us sadly nodding her head like she was trying not to cry. Her eyes looking shiny and wet, “I’m ok,” she said trying to assure us she was ok, “What happened?” she asked looking at me.

  
“Geese,” I said running a hand over my head trying to think of something to say, anything to say. Trying to think of how I was going to explain this.

  
“Remember I told you about the brands on your hips?” I said slowly trying to think, “That they are for that club thing that Da joined? You know the brotherhood? They believe in stuff like they think it’s ok to force people, boys to…” I stumbled over the words feeling unsure of myself.

  
She smiled at me a strained smile before she closed her eyes, “Do sexual things?” she muttered.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “With like adult guys. Apparently after John got his brand and was put in the hospital he mentioned …something about Da to someone. The brotherhood wasn’t happy so some of them came and….”

  
“I think I understand,” Mum said looking at John her eyes sad, tired.

  
“Mum,” I said trying not to choke on my own words as I felt like I was drowning. I was relieved because she seemed present. Because she seemed like she really cared and she wasn’t going to leave us alone in this mess anymore. I had been so scared that she wouldn’t come back. That John and I would be alone in this with them to watch Da destroy everyone. Hurt everyone and give them to his friends and that it didn’t matter what John and I did. That nothing would be ok ever again. Seeing her move, act almost normal gave me hope. Gave me a moment to let go, to not be strong anymore.

  
“I don’t think he’s ok.” I said wiping at my eyes trying to hide the fact that I was crying from John.

  
“Oh, Will love,” Mum said coming over to me and hugging me as I hugged her back, “I’ll come upstairs and help you with the little ones in a little bit ok?” she said before she kissed the top of my head, “Go on upstairs love. Leave us here. I’ll take care of him. You did well. You did so well.”

  
I nodded my head sighing with relief knowing that she would help him. That she would help him feel better as I shut the door quietly and left walking to the elevator and going back upstairs. I didn’t realize that I had forgotten to grab the milk I had gone downstairs for until the lift opened and I heard yelling from the living room. Over the crying and wordless screaming, I could hear them.

  
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Catty screeched.

  
“I’m the oldest and no one else is here. I’m in charge and he’s fine! You need to leave me alone!” Matty bellowed.

  
“What’s going on here?” I asked stepping out of the lift and frowning at them.

  
What I saw made my heart stop. Matt was on top of Andy. Not on top of him but over top of him pinning his wrists down above his head as he screamed Laura tugging at one of Matt’s hands wordlessly screaming at him to let Andy go as Andy cried and shrieked struggling against him Catty yelling at him kicking his butt. Yes, she was literally attempting to kick his ass.

  
If it hadn’t been such a serious situation that probably would have made me laugh, “Get off him now!” I hissed as Matt sighed shifting his weight to his knees and sitting there. Staring at Andy as Andy clamored as quickly as he could to his feet hugging Laura tightly and saying something to her in two-year-old babble that I didn’t understand.

  
“What in the world was that?” I asked him.

  
“We were playing a game,” he said simply.

  
His expression and tone was blank. Monotone. Like he didn’t care that there was something wrong with what he had done that he was upsetting everyone when he did it. Mike and James coming out of their bedrooms looking at everyone confused.

  
“That wasn’t a game,” I confronted him.

  
“You think I’d hurt him? I don’t want to hurt him. I want to make him…”

  
“DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE MATTHEW!” I hissed.

  
I didn’t want to hear those words from his mouth. That sentence. It had so many meanings to it and none of it good. Nothing good had ever happened in my life after hearing someone say that. He smiled at me wagging his eyebrows.

  
“Like that’s such a bad thing,” he taunted.

  
“Your room,” I said pointing down the hallway, “Now.”

  
“Like you can tell me what to do? Like you have any right to tell me what to do. They’re my brothers too,” Matt told me.

  
“Matty. Don’t do this. We’ve talked about this,” Mike said shaking his head, “Don’t be like this.”

  
“But he’s mine!” Matty said stomping his foot angrily pointing at Andy who was still crying as Laura held him.

  
She looked at him her mouth open in a howl. She screeched at him wordlessly and then snarled, “NO MINE! MINE! MINE!”

  
“He belongs to himself,” I said to both of them before I went over and picked Andy up taking him away from Laura who started hitting my leg pulling on my pant leg to try and get him down, “Are you ok Andy?”

  
“I’m ok,” he told me nodding his head reaching down trying to touch Laura’s hand.

  
“Laura, you don’t hit!” I said to her before I set Andy down in the play pen and then picked up Laura before I took her over to the corner, “you go into time out.”

  
“She thought you were going to hurt him,” Catty said quietly as Laura sat down folding her arms in front of her huffing.

  
“Yeah but I wasn’t,” I said, “I would never hurt him. Not ever.”

  
“Yeah but they are little. She doesn’t know that,” Catty said.

  
“Matt go to your room now,” I said pointing down the hall again to which he flipped me off and started down the hall stomping his feet loudly with each step.

  
Mike sighed at me and turned to follow him, “No, you stay. You stay right here with our sisters. I need to talk to him alone.”

  
“But he’s…”

  
“No but’s,” I said shaking my head, “He can’t do that and he knows why. I don’t want to hear any excuses you are going to make for him or any he has for himself. He doesn’t do that.”

  
“I’m sorry,” Mike said.

  
“Mike, can you please go find some yogurt or something and get a snack ready for everyone? I’ll be back in a couple of minutes,” I told him.

  
“Yeah, ok,” he said going across the hall to the kitchen.

  
I went down the hall to Matt’s room where he had left the door open. He was sitting on his bed pouting. He had just done that to our little brother. Our two-year-old brother in front of our sisters one of which being his twin and he was pouting because he was in trouble. Was he fucking kidding me?

  
I sighed leaning against the door frame, “Can you please tell me what you were thinking?”

  
“I wanted to know what it felt like,” he stated simply.

  
“What what felt like Matt?” I asked shaking my head.

  
“You know…what IT felt like. With someone else,” he told me.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “If I tell mum she’s going to make you sleep on the third floor away from everyone. You don’t do that. You don’t hurt people like that. Ever.”

  
“But it doesn’t hurt,” he said rolling his eyes and stomping his foot.

  
“It doesn’t hurt you but it hurts everyone else,” I said, “You have no idea how badly it hurts and I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong with you but you aren’t like everyone else Matt. You have to understand that. People don’t like being touched like that. He’s little he doesn’t even understand it. I’m not sure you even understand it.”

  
“And you do?” he asked me.

  
“Better than you,” I said, “You ever touch anyone like that again and I will tell mum. I will make sure she knows and she will not be happy or ok with it. She won’t accept that.”

  
“Why do you think that?” he asked me.

  
“Because she wouldn’t be. Not even if they wanted it,” I said, “She wouldn’t be ok if it was someone that you weren’t related to that wanted it. Let alone someone you are related to. She doesn’t…it’s a sin.”

  
“What is?” he asked.

  
“Touching people like that when you aren’t married to them,” I covered.

  
“Oh,” he said nodding his head like he understood, “Ok so…I can’t do that? But Da can?”

  
“No, Da’s not supposed to do it either,” I said feeling sick to my stomach thinking about Da. About the fact that he did those things. To all of us. Everyone 6 and up. At least that’s the way it seemed.

  
“You’re sure he’s not supposed to?” he asked me.

  
“Yes. I’m sure,” I said, “It’s wrong. People don’t do that with their kids. They don’t…” I trailed off.

  
“So, Da lies? About everything?” he asked me his face falling before he made it blank looking at me expectantly.

  
“Yeah,” I said, “People don’t do that to their kids. Not nice people anyway. So please don’t do that anymore. Not to Andy, not to Mike. Ok?”

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head causing my mouth drop open in shock.

  
Was he really promising he would stop being like that? That he would no longer treat Mike the way he had been treating him? That he would act maybe normal? Or try to be normal.

  
“You promise?” I asked not daring to believe it.

  
“Yeah,” he said, “I’ll be nicer. I promise. When I want to I’ll … I don’t know. I’ll find something else to do. Because I want to do that to them sometimes. But, not all the time. I want them to like it though. I don’t want it to hurt them.”

  
“But it will,” I said, “hurt them. If you don’t want to hurt them don’t treat them like that. Be Bruce. Always be Bruce.”

  
“With everyone?” he asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “with everyone.”

  
He sighed running a hand through his hair looking at me, “Fine.”

  
“Thank you. Please just don’t. You upset everyone and I’m probably on my own today. It’s me and you and Mike and no one else. Mum said she would be up here but I doubt it.”

  
I doubted it until I heard the lift kick to life as I went out into the kitchen telling Matt he needed to wait a couple more minutes. That I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with him and I felt like he needed a time out. That he needed to think about what we had discussed.

  
I couldn’t deal with him right now. I had this feeling it wasn’t going to be that easy. That Matt was working on placating me. Getting me to back off and let my guard down. Because according to everything I had read he never felt sorry for anything he did. He never had and he never would. The only thing he really felt was anger.

  
I sighed when mum opened the door smiling when she handed over the milk, “Thank you. I forgot it earlier because of…”

  
“I know love,” she said, “Dr. Palmer is sitting with John. Making sure he’s ok.”

  
“Do you think he’ll be ok?” I asked her.

  
“We’ll talk about it later right now…” she stopped as she turned to look at the kitchen to find Mike trying to pour a bunch of goldfish into a toddler bowl and pouring it instead all over the counter.

  
“OH MAN!” he scoffed at the mess.

  
“Good try love. Thank you for trying to help but how about you grab the cereal bowls and set the table instead?” she suggested as she shot me a look and I went and grabbed the bowl using my hand to sweep the gold fish into the tiny bowl and using the bowl to dump them back in the bag.

  
Mum helped pour cereal and she pulled the babies out of the nursrey when they started screaming. I pulled Mike aside and decided to talk to him. Lacing my fingers through his and walking him down the hall to my room as I spoke to him.

  
“Hey, I have some questions for you,” I told him.

  
“What?” Mike asked me sitting down on my bed as I shut the door behind us.

  
“I feel like I wasn’t clear yesterday when I asked. So, I’m going ask again. Does Matt make you do things with him? Sexual things like Ben does? Like Da does?”

  
“Uhhh,” he said taking a minute, “You mean does he …” he gulped his face going pale.

  
“Does he touch you down there?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t want to talk about this,” he said.

  
“Mike, if you don’t like it.”

  
“I TELL HIM!” he shouted surprising me.

  
Mikey wasn’t quiet but he was usually polite. He was almost always Happy and upbeat, in a good mood. One of the other times I had seen him terribly upset was when he told me about the rabbit. The rabbit that Matty had killed in front of him. He hardly ever got upset and never got angry.

  
“Sorry,” he said looking at me timidly.

  
“So, he does then?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t want to talk about that,” he repeated.

  
“Ok,” I said, “You know it’s ok to be mad at him, right? To be upset?”

  
“I love him. No one understands me like he does. He has the right to have that too. He has the right to have someone love him and understand him.”

  
“That doesn’t give him the right to hurt you Mike. You’re good. You don’t deserve to hurt. He shouldn’t want to hurt you. It’s not your job make him feel better,” I told him.

  
“It doesn’t hurt it’s just slimy. When he put’s…I don’t want to talk about it,” he said.

  
So, he wasn’t raping him. Not anally. It made me wonder how much Mike knew. If anyone had talked to him about it.

  
“Has he ever …or Da or Ben have they ever…” I felt my face getting red just trying to say it “shit.” I whispered.

  
“Put it in my bottom? No,” he shook his head, “John told me Da does that him. That it hurts a lot. That he doesn’t like it. I asked him if he thought Da would make me do that.”

  
“What did John say?” I asked.

  
He nodded his head and looked at his hands in his lap, “he told me he’d try to stop them. Because he didn’t want me to hurt like that but…I don’t think he can stop him. He does it to Matty you know?”

  
So, I was right about the conversation they had in front of me about their alone time. That Da did those things with Matty and Matty didn’t really mind it. Or just didn’t care either way. It made me wonder who else Da was hurting regularly. Was he doing that to James too? What about everyone else? Was he doing anything to them? I mean if he’d do it to Matty and Matty was eight…no wonder Matty was so fucking screwed up. Who else was he doing it to?

  
There was a light knock on the door before mum opened it, “Hey guys how about we start Christmas ordainments and pictures? I got out some paints and I figured it would be fun.”

  
“Really? We get to paint?” Mike asked his face lighting up.

  
“On the paper only,” Mum said, “But yes. Will can join you or he can go help with nap time while I make lunch.”

  
“I’ll Join them,” I said, “It’s been a while since I painted though.”

  
“Just don’t get it all over the place,” Mike said.

  
I laughed and he took my hand as we followed mum out to the kitchen area. The table was covered in newspaper and there was a stack of what blank paper in the center of the table along with a bowl full of Styrofoam balls of various shapes with tiny little trays that had water colors in them with paint brushes and cups of water. She had really gone all out. Catty and James and Matt already starting to paint pictures Catherine’s picture looking like a mix between a horse and a blob.

  
“What are you going to paint?” She asked me smiling at me accidentally dotting her chin with a little bit of green.

  
“I’m not sure yet,” I said sitting down in a chair.

  
It took me a while to decide but I wanted to paint something that would make me feel good. So, I decided to paint myself slaying a dragon because it seemed awesome. I was 10 and I really enjoyed fantasy so…Yeah, I started by grabbing a pencil out of the junk drawer and started to sketch my picture before I painted it just picking out the first colors when mum asked me for a favor.

  
“Love can you go check on the nursey make sure everything is in order?” She asked, “I’m just about finished with lunch then I have to go downstairs and check on your brother and Dr. Palmer.”

  
“Sure mum. No problem,” I answered standing up and walking down the hall.

  
I stopped off into my bedroom to use the bathroom and what not and it wasn’t long before I heard the lift kick to life and I sighed washing my hands. I thought at least she was functional today. At least we had done something fun as a family even if not everyone got to participate. I thought everything was going good until I heard a weird sound coming from the nursery.

  
I looked into the room and was nearly knocked over by the smell. It smelled like someone had crapped all over the room and then I turned on the light.

  
“I paint poop!” Andy said smiling widely at me.

  
His hands were covered in his own excrement both of them palm flat against the wall rubbing his own poop in circles onto that surface that was significantly smeared all over. Not only that but his diaper was off by his feet his left foot in his diaper covered in poop as well with little smears all over the fitted sheet he was standing on. He also had it all over his shirt and some on his cheek.

  
“What are you doing?” I asked him and looked at Laura who was standing leaning against the bars of her own crib closest to him looking at him her tiny fists wrapped around two of the bars.

  
Laura looked at me and shrugged her shoulders continuing to stare at Andy.

  
“Yous paints, I’s paints,” he said smacking the wall sending a slight splatter of well…shit into the air little flakes of it landing on the frame of his crib.

  
“Ah…why though?” I asked which caused Laura to giggle and smile at me.

  
“Yous paints, I’s paints,” he repeated frowning at me.

  
“You realize that’s your…,” I trailed off shaking my head and going out into the hall trying to figure out what exactly I should do.

  
I wanted to laugh but man was that fucking gross. And I knew I was supposed to clean it up or something because I was supposed to be in charge. I sighed deciding that cleaning him up first would be the easiest thing to do.

  
“Ok, come on!” I said grabbing him.

  
“But I paint!” he exclaimed.

  
“Yes, I see that and it’s very…creative,” I said choosing my word carefully, “But now it’s time to clean up. Ok?”

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head as I picked him up, “Let’s go take a bath. I held him away from me hoping he wouldn’t touch me and finding my hopes dashed when he started smacking my arm playfully.

  
“Andy don’t hit please,” I said.

  
“I make music,” he told me.

  
“Not on my arm with your hands covered in poop. Right now, we’re going to take a bath,” I told him.

  
I took him into the bathroom stripping off his clothes and then shutting the door before turning on the water and adjusting the temperature. When it was ready I put him in the bath and then there was a knock on the door.

  
“Yes?” I asked and mum opened.

  
“What happened in the nursery?” Mum asked me.

  
“Well, Andy decided that everyone else was painting so he was going to paint. Isn’t that right Andy?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah Mama, I painted,” he told her.

  
“I saw,” she said before smiling at me, “Were you going to tell me?”

  
“I was after I was done cleaning him up,” I said, “Are you going to?”

  
“Yes, I’ll clean it up,” she sighed, “You take care of him and I’ll take care of the mess.”

  
“Thank you,” I answered.

  
“Thank you love,” she said.

  
It didn’t take long to get him cleaned up and myself and when he was cleaned I went out into the living room to find Laura and Mac in the play Pin while Mary and Seamus were in the infant swings. I remember spending the rest of the evening listening to blue’s clues and reading my book. Sometimes getting up and changing a diaper. I didn’t see John until some point after dinner when everyone had sat down after the evening movie and people were starting to drift off to sleep. He sat down on the sofa to my left, shirtless.

  
I sighed looking at him shaking my head as Mike and Matt stared at him frowning.

  
“What happened?” Mike asked staring at him.

  
“I forgot,” he mentioned looking back at him.

  
I wanted to ask him what he had forgotten? His mind? His shirt? What? Because there was no way in hell he had forgotten whatever had him still covered and bruises trailing from the side of his face down into his collar bone his bite mark now covered by some gauze.

  
“You look like someone tried to kill you and you forgot what happened?” Matt scoffed in disbelief.

  
“No, I’m not talking about that part. I meant I forgot to grab a shirt,” he said before he got up walking backwards for a couple of steps before he turned and ran down hall to his room only to return a couple seconds later wearing a t-shirt and sitting back down on the couch where he had been before.

  
“That’s not much better,” Mike told him.

  
“it’s best I can do right now Mike. Please just don’t,” he sighed shaking his head and frowning at the pain it probably caused.

  
“But….” He started to speak before I sighed heavily and spoke cutting him off.

  
“It’s your neck. You giant hickey,” I muttered.

  
“Argh…,” he moaned, “Are you kidding me?”

  
“Check a mirror,” I told him before he huffed again. Mum slammed the dishwasher closed causing both Cat and James to sit up and rub at their eyes.

  
“Ok nuggets it’s time for bed,” Mum said coming over and grabbing Cat picking her up, “You too thing one and thing two, come on.”

  
“But mum the show isn’t over,” Matt whined.

  
“It’s nearly 9pm. I know it’s vacation but tis a week day so off to bed,” she said as she walked down the hall both Mike and Matt following her reluctantly me taking the opportunity to change the channel finding a buffy rerun and then settling into my seat deciding I should watch it.

  
He looked exhausted still. Heavy dark circles under his eyes. His body looking almost like he had barely gotten his energy back. He looked like he hadn’t eaten in days. That he hadn’t gotten a decent night’s sleep in months. It was all probably true.

  
“Are you ok?” I asked him looking away from the TV for a second out of the corner of my eye.

  
“Better than I was,” he answered looking at me before he turned to the TV as well.

  
“Good,” I muttered nodding my head.

  
It was good. If he was feeling better maybe things would get easier for him. Maybe he’d be able to get decent sleep and maybe he could help me deal with some problems. With Da and what Da was planning to do to James.

  
“Anything interesting happen?” John asked scratching at his ear.

  
I frowned turning to him, “While mum was downstairs with you and everyone else was busy. Certain people were supposed to be napping. Andrew took off his diaper and played with his own poop smearing it all over the wall and his bed. So, that was fun,” summarized the most interesting part of my afternoon that wouldn’t cause John any unneeded anxiety.

  
John huffed blowing air up his face and forehead causing his breath to move his fringe, “I’m glad I missed it.” He said simply.

  
Thinking of it made me start laughing. Looking back at how thrilled Andy had seemed with himself the smell and the sticky grossness of the whole thing. How mum had been kind and not made me clean it up, “you better be because that was nasty. Like what in the world was he thinking? If this is the behavior we have to look forward to from him we’re going to be very busy for a very long time.”

  
“I don’t think we will. They don’t call it terrible twos for nothing. I’m sure mum has some stories about us,” John said smiling slightly at me.

  
“Yeah but, I don’t think he is ever living this down. It was just so sick,” I said thinking of how Lar had just watched me wide eyed and shrugged her shoulders when I asked what was going on causing me to laugh harder.

  
John’s smile grew and he shook his head at me a huge grin cracking across his face, “It’s so sick yet you can’t stop laughing,” he said before he started laughing too.

  
“No but like, I heard a noise and I just walk in and there this horrible smell and he has the biggest smile on his face when I turn on the light and he’s just painting with it on the wall. His foot in his diaper some all over the mattress and he’s just acting like it’s the most normal thing he’s ever done and then he sees me and looks and then smiles and says, “I paint poop” all excited. Like you should seriously be glad you missed it. Then I had to make the choice of picking him up and throwing him in the tub or grabbing the laundry and something to clean the wall off with. I wasn’t touching that wall,” I said struggling to get the whole story out I was laughing so hard.

  
“Well,” John sighed smiling at me, “At least someone had fun today. So, what’s going on?”

  
“Oh Buffy?” I asked looking at the TV, “I’m only half paying attention it’s a rerun anyway. She just got back to town expelled from school “oh Angel,” I said mocking the character in a higher pitched voice than normal, “Drama, drama, drama with Mr. Pointy of course and now Zombies are attacking. I blame mum.”

  
John glanced at me and then got a confused look on his face and then stared at me for a minute, “You blame mum for zombies attacking on Buffy?”

  
That was good but, no. That was not what I had met. I laughed lightly, “No. For the poop paint,” I explained, “She wanted Cat and James and us to do something fun to distract everyone and so we painted. We made some Christmas decorations and what not to hang on the tree. It involved some water color and I think Andrew thought that looked like fun but he didn’t have any paint so he went for his next best bet.”

  
“Ah,” John nodded his head in understanding, “So, he had a fairly good idea just really horrible execution?” he asked.

  
“Yeah, I think that’s what it amounts to,” I said nodding my head.

  
“My day was not as eventful,” John said after a moment or two of silence.

  
“Considering how your night went, I hope not,” I said shaking my head, “Everything check out fine with you? I mean with the doctor and what not.”

  
“Physically you mean? I’m bruised and battered but otherwise physically ok. He yelled at me for drinking and probably yelled at mum for letting me drink,” he answered shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Good someone should,” I said turning my eyes back to the tv.

  
There were so many things I wanted to say to him. How I was mad. Mad that it took him being so hurt he couldn’t help me for mum to step up and be a real mum to us. Mad that her and him would rather let him drink away his feelings than take care of the real issue. Do something about it now instead of waiting until it got worse and get us out of here. Mad that Da…that Da had made me…

  
I sighed turning to look at him deciding if I couldn’t say anything else maybe I should at least still him that, “You’re right. I don’t want a relationship with Da like you have.”

  
I said referencing a conversation we had gotten into only a couple days before.

  
“Will?” John said quietly frowning at me as I wiped at my eyes trying to hide how badly it hurt. How mad I was that because John was too hurt Da had come to me. Turned to me, to use me. That he had to do that to anyone.

  
“Does mum know?” he asked.

  
“No.” I answered, “I wrote it down in that journal she got us like we’re supposed to but, it doesn’t really make me feel any better.”

  
I had. I had while I was in the bedroom taking a wee. I hadn’t written any details because I was in a hurry but I wrote the date. That day’s date December 22nd and that he had raped me earlier that morning.

 

We both fell silent. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore with him because I knew it would upset him. That just knowing about it upset him. But, I felt like he needed to know. I had so many questions too. Like if da called him names like that all the time too. I remembered him calling John names when I was there. When Da had made both of us do that. But, did he do that all the time to everyone? To John? To me? To mum? To anyone else.

  
He came over and sat next to me and then grabbed my hand squeezing it lightly. Holding it while we watched the end of Buffy in silence. It felt good. To be touched and not have it be sexual. To be comforting. Mum hadn’t hugged me in days and the only somewhat adult person that had touched me was Da. Da who…you didn’t want touching you because it came with bad things. Things he wasn’t supposed to do. When Felicity’s opening credits played John got up still not letting go of my hand.

  
“You guys ready for bed?” Mum asked coming out of the nursery and down the hall towards us as John finally let go of my hand.

  
“Yeah,” John said turning off the TV and setting the remote down on the couch before he went up to mum and hugged and kisses her, “night mum, love you.”

  
“You want me to come tuck you in?” she asked John.

  
“No, I’m good. Take care of Will,” he said gesturing his head at me before he went over and turned off the living room light making sure everything was ready for bed.

  
“Come love,” she said hugging me, “you seem so tired love. What’s going on?”

  
“Nothing mum, I’m fine,” I said.

  
“You’re not fine love. I can see it. Tell me what’s wrong,” she insisted.

  
“It’s nothing mum,” I said again shaking my head.

  
“Don’t do this. John does this,” mum said, “tell me what’s wrong. Please love.”

  
“I don’t want to tell you,” I admitted.

  
“Why not?” She asked me as we walked down the hall to my room.

  
“You’ll go back to your room. And I know you won’t come out,” I told her closing my eyes trying not to cry.

  
“Oh love. I’m sorry I did that to you. I was just so sad for your brother and so tired. I get tired too love. It had nothing to do with you. I swear it to you. I was just so mad at your Da and so upset. You want to know something though? Me hiding, me running away and closing myself off in a room. It’s not going to help anyone love. I need to do what I can to protect you and locking myself away isn’t going to do that. Whatever you need to tell me, tell me. I swear to you I won’t ever run away again. I won’t ever hide from it again.” She told me getting down on her knees by my bedside and holding my hand.

  
“You promise?” I asked her.

  
“I swear it to you. On everything. Never again,” she whispered.

  
“I was looking at his emails like you told me I should sometimes,” I told her closing my eyes not able to look at her as I told her. As he told her what he had done, “he found me down there and he didn’t see me on the computer but in the guest room up there and he…” I started shaking.

  
“Oh love. It’s ok. It’s ok love. You’re safe now, you’re safe,” she said crawling into bed with me and holding me.

  
“I didn’t want to. He…and I didn’t want to…” I muttered while still crying, “He said bad things mum.”

  
“Bad things?” she said calmly hugging me to her chest so I couldn’t see her face. Probably because she was crying with me.

  
“He called me…” I tried to tell her before I had to bite back a sob.

  
I still think it’s something he called me because I was gay and he knew it and Uncle Ben knew and so did I. That he called me that because I was a little boy and he knew it would make me feel bad. That I would think about it. That it would stay with me like how what he called John probably stayed with him. How I would think about …how I would think about it. How that’s was what I was to him. That I wasn’t really his son, his kid. That I wasn’t Will. That I was his cock slut.

  
“It’s ok love. It’s ok whatever he said. Whatever he did that has nothing to do with you,” she said her voice cracking as she said it.

  
“I hate him mummy,” I sobbed.

  
“I know love,” she said rubbing my back, “I know.”

  
I don’t know how long she let me sob as she held me but it was for a while. Until I fell asleep. I was in such a dead sleep I didn’t even stir when she left. Finally feeling like I had go of something I had been holding in for a while. Something that I had needed to let go of. The act of finally letting all of those feelings out. Making it so it was easier to sleep. So, I slept all the way through the night for the first time in weeks.

  
I woke up when my alarm went off I walked out into the hallway to hear quiet whispering coming from the end of the hall to find it was the TV on at a low volume Cat and James still in their PJ’s watching something while mum chopped fruit the baby monitor sitting on the counter.

  
“Hi love,” she said smiling at me, “I’ll be setting out bowls in a minute can you do me a favor really quick though?”

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Go downstairs and grab the orange juice. Very quickly. If you see Da don’t just forget it and turn around and come back ok?” She told me.

  
“Yeah, sure,” I said nodding my head before I headed to the lift and went downstairs. When I got to the back stairway by the kitchen I could hear him talking from where I was not sure if I should turn around and go back up like mum had said because I was afraid he would hear me or if I should wait to see what stair way he took that’s when I heard him say something that made me stop.

  
“Yeah no, I’ve made sure. I haven’t even blown him. He’s pure again trust me. Yeah, no I have plenty of other…things to keep me busy,” Da said on the other end of the line, “Yeah Hank said him and Arthur are going to come bring their boys. They’ll be plenty of entertainment to keep everyone distracted he’ll be all yours I swear sir. Yes sir, I understand. Yeah, he’ll be here but like I said plenty of… yes sir. Yes, I understand sir. Yeah? Well of course he’s going to be here too he is my son after all. Yeah, he’s fine. Yes, still the same as always. Yeah, I can arrange that. You’re going to be here for two days after all and he will be pretty sore afterwards. You do know I have one other one that’s under 10, right? Ah, I see. No, that’s no issue for me. You like what you like right? Yeah, yeah, she knows you’re coming and she’s not opposed to it. Ok, I’ll see you then.”

  
I backed up slowly, down the hallway hiding in the guest room where mum had been sleeping shutting the door quietly as I heard him get off the phone before he headed up the steps. He was talking about us. About James and me. About Mr. Lord. About all the stuff the email had said. This was happening. Tomorrow, this was happening. Da was going to let some guy come here and…

  
He took the lift up and when I was sure he was probably out of it, when I had calmed myself down I took it back up to the fourth floor to where I was safe. I must have had a look on my face because when I came up John was coming to the lift looking at me his eyes filled with dread that showed maybe a Nano second of relief before the worry came back.

  
“Will, are you ok?” John asked me quietly.

  
“You mean…? Yeah, I’m fine. I need to tell you something though. Something really important,” I said before I grabbed John by the sleeve of his shirt and into my bedroom shutting the door.

  
“I overheard Da on the phone,” I said quietly keeping my voice low.

  
“So?” he asked frowning in confusion at me, “What’s up?”

  
“There’s going to be a Christmas party,” I sighed sitting down on my bed.

  
I wasn’t sure I could spit out the rest but I knew I needed to. I needed John to know. I needed his help. Mum was going to leave again. Lock herself in her room again if we couldn’t protect him. If we didn’t do everything we could to protect him.

  
“And…?” John coaxed reminding me to speak.

  
“Da said something about the Big L and Kingly and Gable coming over,” I answered him.

  
“You sure he said big L?” John balked at me his face pale.

  
“He didn’t say it but I know he was talking to him,” I said shifting my weight and sitting on my hands so John couldn’t see them shaking.

  
I didn’t know how much John knew about him and me. I didn’t want John to feel guilty that I couldn’t protect myself from him. That I couldn’t … I sighed heavily.

  
“Shit,” John sighed raking a hand nervously through his hair, “You know who the big L is right? That’s the Leader. As in the leader of the brotherhood.”

  
“Awesome,” I responded, so he didn’t know anything. I remember that making me feel a little better. I hated lying to him but him and mum weren’t doing well. I thought they were both very emotionally unstable. “I hate him.”

  
“Yeah, the question is with who,” John said looking at his feet.

  
“Well we know who Kingly wants to see,” I said my eyes grazing across his face to the bruises on his jaw and neck, “But what about the other two?”

  
“Have you been with any of them? Like at all? He asked me. I shifted uncomfortably so …this was it then. This was where I told someone about it. About how he…all the things he had done.

  
“I’m not asking to invade your space,” he told me quietly probably sensing how uncomfortable I was, “I’m asking because depending on how they acted it can give us hints as to who they might…”

  
“Oh,” I said nodding my head at my lap, “The big L…” I sighed Arthur had said not to say anything. That I shouldn’t say anything otherwise someone else would get hurt. John would get hurt, “the other two? No.”

  
“What did he do?” John asked me, “Like everything or just like normal stuff like Da. Or was it not normal or…?” he trailed off.

  
I felt my throat get tight remembering what he looked like. What he had felt like. I closed my eyes taking a deep breath knowing I had to stay calm. That I couldn’t break down in front of John. That I couldn’t let him know how bad it bothered me. How hard it was to remember. How much it hurt.

  
“He was…more into other things,” I said trying my best to shut off my emotion. To try and make it seem like I wasn’t upset, “he …he licked me everywhere. Like even in there. He gave me oral.”

  
“Ok,” John said as he nodded his head slowly, “Did the guys tell you anything about him while you were at the Villa?”

  
“Not really,” I admitted. Not that they had needed to.

  
I didn’t need anyone to tell me anything about him. The way he looked at me I knew. The way he told me it was ok, that I was old enough to ejaculate. The way he called me little one. The emails he had sent Da, he liked young kids. Young boys. Boys like James, boys like me.

  
“Ok well, I learned something from Dr. Palmer,” John said quietly and quickly, “He likes them young and he won’t do anything to anyone who hasn’t lost their virginity.”

  
“How young do you think young means?” I asked him.

  
He sighed licking his back molar, “I’m not sure. I just know young.”

  
“Should we ask Da?” I asked him.

  
“I kind of don’t want to ask Da anything,” John said barely above a whisper looking at his feet.

  
“Yeah. Neither do I but think of it this way. We don’t tell each other everything right? What if Da has done like the full deal with everyone and the big L is coming over to do things with like Mikey or James or something? Wouldn’t you want to know and see if there was something, anything we could to stop it from happening? To stop him from hurting them?” I asked John.

  
I knew he felt the same way I did. That he would do anything and I mean ANYTHING to protect our brothers. It didn’t matter what if it kept any more people from touching them. We couldn’t stop Da. I knew that anyway, but maybe if we played our cards right we could stop him from giving them to other people. From doing to them what he had done, what he was doing to us.

  
“Well, I know Da hasn’t touched Mikey because he asked me some questions about…sex and I asked him what he thought sex was and he said kissing and touching down there. So, I asked him if Da had ever…put his penis in there and he said no and that it sounded gross,” John told me.

  
“Ok. But that’s one out of three. I mean how old were you when Da finally did that? Weren’t you like eight or nine?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” John nodded his head slowly, “And there was a lot of…a lot of the touching and stuff before that from as far back as I can remember? You?”

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “Did you know he took me to a hotel? That he told me…I was…I was a big boy now and that he was going to show me something. I remember closing my eyes and holding out my hand because I was expecting him to give me a present and instead he grabbed me by the shoulder and he shoved his tongue in my mouth.”

  
“He reminded me of how we had talked about how adults, a man and woman fit together like fucking puzzle pieces and he was going to show me how two men could fit together like that and then he kissed me like that. I still remember the taste of the ice cream still on his lips,” John said before he sighed deeply, “I didn’t know. By the way. I had no idea he did that to you.”

  
“Yeah. He used to sneak into our room at night when we lived I the townhouse. Used to tell me that if I made noise if I woke you up he would hurt you. So, I always made sure I was quiet,” I admitted to him.

  
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” he asked me his mouth opening in shock as he frowned at me.

  
I felt like I had somehow betrayed him. I felt like by not telling him I had betrayed him. I sighed, “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you getting hurt. You did so many things for me John. So many things you always do and I didn’t want him to hurt you anymore. Once I understood why he always made you and mum so sad, or thought I understood I figured if he was doing it to me he wasn’t doing it to you so it was better to just keep quiet.”

  
“Don’t be sorry. I know it’s hard not to be. I know I feel sorry everyday but, mum said the only one who should feel sorry is him and she’s right. They should feel sorry not us. Not you,” he said before he cleared his throat wiping at his eyes. So, you think he’s done something to Matty and James?”

  
“Well, if we were like 8 it is possible and I know James is only seven but…” I sighed heavily, “I walked in on it. I did the only thing I could think of and redirected his attention but he was in there. He was…”

  
“Wait he was raping him?” John asked me his mouth falling open again, “Like raping raping him?”

  
“When he stood up and came to grab me instead he had blood on his…on his penis so yeah he was…he did. Him and Matty were talking once at breakfast before mum came home. Da said something to him and Matt asked a question and Da referred to it as special private time that they had. I asked Matt why he didn’t tell me, tell us and he said that it didn’t really bother him that sometimes it even felt good.”

  
“Fuck,” John said shaking his head, “So …that means that…”

  
John sighed heavily closing his eyes. He pressed his fingers to his temples. I could tell it was something John either hadn’t known or had forgotten. I could have sworn I had told him before. That he knew.

  
“What about Mikey?” He asked after a second apparently doubting what he had said before about Da not doing it to Mikey yet.

  
“Well, we can either ask them or we can ask Da and which one would you rather deal with? Watching them break down as we confront them and maybe retraumatize them or ask Da?” I pointed out.

  
“Yeah, I see what you’re saying,” John answered sighing after a minute, “Let’s go ask right now.”

  
“Ok,” I said standing but, “I have a quick question. What can we offer him to keep the big L from doing that? You know, to any of them?” I asked.

  
He looked at me his eyes going wide in shock that I had said anything. I had to make sure we were on the same page. That he understood what I was thinking and what Da was probably thinking. The only thing we could really offer him.

  
“Will,” John said and then sighed, “I can only think of one thing and you know exactly what I’m referring to. Would you do that?” I asked him.

  
“If it meant keeping other people away from them? Would I do what we did before you mean?” I asked him.

  
“Dude, he might take it A LOT farther then what he made us do last time,” John said.

  
The thought of it turned my stomach but I knew what he meant. He meant not just kissing but other stuff. Stuff like Cole and the other guys had warned me about.

  
I remember trying to swallow the sour tastes in my throat before speaking, “I would do it for them but, I don’t want to think about it. Would you?” I asked him.

  
John puckered his lips like he swallowed a lemon while he thought about it, “I could if I had to. To keep them safe,” he confessed.

  
“Ok,” I sighed heavily, “Then we know what we’re going to offer?”

  
“Yeah,” John nodded raking his hair back from his face a look of worry in his eyes like he was already regretting to agree to it.

  
“All right then,” I said quietly after a minute or two, “Let’s go talk to him.”

  
I felt like I was drowning. I knew whatever anxiety I had though John was feeling it a million times worse as he looked at me before he grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently giving me a nod of encouragement and agreement. He opened the door the bedroom door and I hit the lift button.

  
When we made it to the third floor John looked at me and I nodded my head before he knocked on the door. We were both hesitant. It wasn’t something we wanted to do. Neither one of us wanted to have sex with each other and definitely not Da.  
“Come he,” he said moments after John knocked.

  
He looked up at us when I walked in. Smiling at us. Smiling like maybe he knew why we were there. Like maybe he was going to ask us to strip naked right then and there. I felt frozen just looking at him.

  
“Da,” John said his voice cracking as he looked at him, “I heard that…that the leader is coming to Christmas. Is that true?”

  
“Someone has been snooping again huh?” Da asked leaning slight in his chair so he could see me.

  
How did he know? I’d been careful. How did he know? Fuck. Shit shit shit… what was he going to do to me? Was he… I didn’t know what to say.

  
“Yes, it’s true. Why John?” Da asked.

  
“Well,” John sighed walking up to Da’s Desk and playing with the corner of it, picking up the crystal paper weight there in his head looking at Da, “I know he likes young boys usually. So, I was wondering. If there was like anything I could do it keep him from. From hurting anyone.”

  
“John,” Da said, “He’s not going to hurt them. Trust me, they’ll like it,” he said his eyes raking John’s frame making me shiver, “And what would you do for me that would tempt me into thinking about not allowing him to do what he wants with whomever he wants?”

  
“Well,” I sighed feeling more numb than anything before grabbing John’s hand and squeezing it, “There are things…” I to exhale deeply before I spoke again, “Things that you have shown some interest in.”

  
Da smiled and kind of winked at us, “I get you and I love the offer boys but, I can’t tell him no. He’ll do what he wants. I can tell you who he probably won’t touch. I haven’t gone all the way with Mikey so I’d say he’s probably safe.”

  
“And the other two?” John asked letting go of my hand and folding his arms over his chest.

  
He looked like he was afraid to hear him say it. To really know for sure. Neither of us wanted him to confirm we already knew.

  
“You really want to hear about it?” He said a small smile playing on his face, “I mean I’m not usually one to kiss and tell but if you really want me to…”

  
“I don’t think you have to,” I said shaking my head as I cut off his words.

  
So, he had. I was right about the conversation Matt and he had been having. He was raping him, or having sex with him. Whichever. And then I knew he had done it to James at least once. I had walked in on it for god sakes. Let Da rape me instead.  
“Is your offer going to stand later?” he asked leaning back in his chair and adjusting himself where we could see. So, he was thinking of it. He wanted it. He wanted us, together.

  
I closed my eyes not wanting to think about it. Not wanting to see him or it or what he thought about it, “Only if it will keep them safe,” I answered.

  
“Ok then,” Da said, “I’ll keep that in mind. Sorry there isn’t a lot I can do about the leader but your offer is very very tempting,” he said, “You’re not going to tell your mum who he is right?”

  
“Of course not,” John and I both said at once.

  
“That wouldn’t go over well,” John added quietly.

  
“Ok, good. I have to go back to work. I’ll see you two later,” he said and without glancing up turned back to the computer and started typing.

  
John hurried away ahead of me. I made it half way down the hall before I heard Da call out to me, “Will can you come here for a minute?”

  
I sighed. Here it was. Whatever he was going to do to me. I turned around heading back into the office.

  
“Did you think I didn’t know? That I had no idea that’s why you were down here the other night? Your mum’s little spy?” He asked me.

  
“I wasn’t spying for her Da,” I managed to say.

  
“Why then?” he asked me.

  
“I…” I felt myself shaking.

  
What did I tell him? That it was because I was scared. That the leader scared me and so I wanted to know if he was coming or not so I knew. So, I knew whether he was going to rape me or not. He seemed to like me enough that the last two times and only two times I’d been anywhere near him he had…done stuff to me. That I knew last time they were talking about James. About doing the same things to him and I didn’t want to see that happen to him. I didn’t want that to ever happen to him again.

  
“Come here honey,” Da said and when I didn’t approach him he stood up walking over to me and wrapping his arms around me, “It’s ok to be nervous about stuff but you should ask me about it ok? I won’t lie to you. Not if it concerns you. Yeah Mr. Lord is coming for Christmas and he’s staying overnight but so far there hasn’t been any talk of you. Not really. He’s said he enjoys your company but he hasn’t requested to see you. Is that what you’re worried about? Because him liking you isn’t a bad thing ok?”  
“But he…” I couldn’t even say it. I couldn’t tell him.

  
“I know. Trust me I know. It feels weird I get that. But it doesn’t have to scare you honey. If you relax it could even feel nice. Your uncle and I know you have different interest from most boys in that department and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your Uncle is like that. If you just relax it just means you have the ability to enjoy it fully. To enjoy it that much more and Mr. Lord wants his special boys to enjoy themselves. Like I want you to enjoy yourself when you’re with me too ok?” He told me.

  
“Da he…he stuck his tongue…” I closed my eyes hard. I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t do that. I hated that.

  
“Ah,” Da said, “I talked to your headmaster about that one after it happened the first time. He said you seemed really shaken up about it. That doesn’t have to be a big deal you know? A lot of people really enjoy it. Especially people like you and Uncle Ben. I know mum wouldn’t be happy if she knew but, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Not one bit. A lot men like you enjoy that and that’s ok.”

  
“Da I…” I was telling him it wasn’t that I thought I hated it. It was just that I didn’t want to do it with them. With any of them. That’s what made it feel bad. That’s what made it hard to deal with. I didn’t like it when they touched me like that.

  
“You’re so beautiful,” he said touching my cheek, “I know why he likes you. I mean all of my children are beautiful but you and John are simply…you’re gorgeous.”

  
I tried to shift away. To pull out of his arms. I knew what this was. I wasn’t stupid. This was like what Headmaster Watson had done. Slow like ice moving through my skin. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t do this.

  
“Now calm down,” Da said I started to push at his chest.

  
“Daddy please don’t, please don’t,” I asked him before he punched me in the face sending a hard-stinging pain through my cheek as I fell on the floor him letting me land roughly on the solid wood.

  
“You don’t tell me don’t. You don’t tell me no. You don’t tell me to fucking stop. You have no right to say those things to me. I’m your father. You don’t tell me what to do you understand? I tell you. This,” he said sneering angrily at me grabbing me hard by the forearm forcing me to my feet, “This is mine. All of this is mine. You understand me? I’ll do whatever the fuck I want to it. To you and there is not a single fucking thing you can say or do. If I want to fuck you I’ll fuck you. If I want to fuck your mouth I’ll do that. If I want to wrap my ….” He raked his eyes down my body licking his lips before he shoved me backwards me landing half ways in his chair it rolling backwards when my weight hit it before he got on his knees.

  
I hated that. When they put their mouths down there. I didn’t want that. I knew if I tried to fight he would get mad. He would hit me again my cheek probably already bruised. I closed my eyes waiting to feel his hands on my skin, waiting to feel him pulling my shorts down.

  
He grabbed my hips pulling them down making me whine and him sigh into my inner thigh before he pulled my shorts and underwear off completely leaving me hanging off the chair naked from the waist down.

  
I opened my eyes. I shouldn’t have but I did. I saw him leaning forward his hands on the arms of the chair as he started rolling it slowly back and forth looking at me. His eyes looking well there. Not at my face but at my waist which he was level with.  
I didn’t understand why they all wanted to do this to me. Why they all hated me. I wanted to cover myself so he couldn’t see it anymore but I knew I couldn’t. That I wasn’t supposed to.

  
“You’re beautiful,” Da said finally looking up at my eyes, “You don’t need to be scared. I won’t hurt you again ok? You just can’t treat me like that. I know I’m harsh but there’s a reason for it ok?”

  
I nodded my head. I didn’t want him touching me. Ben was gone. Why did he want to?

  
He smiled widely at me raising his eyebrows for a second, “I have an idea. Why don’t you put your knees over my shoulders?”

  
“What?” I asked him not sure what he meant.

  
“Here, just relax,” he said as he sat down on his knees for a minute before scooting up so he was directly under me coming up under my legs so that my knees were bent my feet dangling down his back resting on his lower shoulder blades, “Like this.” He said before he leaned his head to the side kissing up my inner thigh and licking lightly. He smiled as I jerked at the sensation wrapping his forearms around my thighs to keep me from pulling my legs back.

  
“Da,” I warned him as he squeezed smiling at me and shaking his head.

  
“You’ll like it. Just relax,” he repeated dipping slightly lower, my feet sliding up his shoulder blades down his neck for a second as he moved his head taking me in his mouth.

  
I had maybe a second to try and ready myself for the sensation me still not prepared for it causing me to freeze with my mouth open. My whole body started shaking that static feeling spreading under my skin as he started to bob his head. I didn’t like it. He had me trapped. The only thing I could do to make myself feel anywhere near grounded was to grip the arms of the chair my lower body in his completely control my knees over his shoulders as his mouth was on me, around me.

  
I felt like if I let go of the chair I was going to fall. He probably wouldn’t have let me considering my dick was in his mouth but the whole thing felt unstable and uncomfortable the ice and fire running under my skin making my flesh break out into goose bumps as I tried to breathe. The only thing I could do to distract myself from what he was doing was to wiggle my feet.

  
He did something. His tongue moving a certain way that sent a shock through my system making my throat tighten, making me whimper. Before I could stop myself a sobbed ripped free. I didn’t usually cry like that if it didn’t hurt. But something about it being him. Being my Da.

  
It had to do with my brothers and how Da was treating John so badly, letting so many people treat him so badly and me. How he was hurting mum and then telling the twins it was ok to hurt each other. The whole thing. It was the whole thing and I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t do it anymore and yet he was…and then I was supposed to see the leader. The leader who was going to rape me or worse James. Or maybe even both of us and there was nothing I could do to stop any of it.

  
It didn’t matter that I sobbed openly he kept going, kept going until I went quiet until my sobbing subsided because of the fact I couldn’t breathe and cry at the same time. That I couldn’t think and breathe at the same time. He kept going until I was panting my whole-body tense beyond where I thought I could stand it before I released. Before my eyes rolled and my toes curled. Before I went limp my whole head feeling tingly.

  
I had never had a blow job like that. I mean yeah, they messed around with it before but it was very concentrated. Very focused on everything below my waist his tongue going inside and then circling around before licking back to the front across my slit and then up my shaft deep throating me over and over again until I literally couldn’t think. Until I felt empty.

  
When he was done he kissed my inner thigh smiling up at me, “Did it feel good? Certainly, seems like it felt good.” I didn’t know what to say or do as he slowly unhooked my knees from his shoulders looking at me and smiling, “And that’s how you sit on someone’s face. Well, one way.”

  
My chest felt tight. So that’s what this had been about. He had said he wanted me to sit on his face. My chest really started to hurt for some reason.

  
“Did I hurt you? I’m just asking because you cried a little,” he said softly pulling me lightly so I was sitting up right him leaning his head against my chin as he wrapped my naked legs around his lower chest resting his head against my chest, “I didn’t think I did anything to hurt. That wasn’t my plan. I figured maybe it was nerves so I kept going. You’d tell me if I hurt you. Right Honey?”

  
He was quiet as he said it. Like he really meant it. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t get the tightness in my chest and throat to go away enough to speak. I felt like I couldn’t move. He sighed heavily at my silence.

  
“Listen Honey, it’s ok to be scared. It’s ok that it felt good and you aren’t sure what to think about that. It’s ok,” he said as I tried to stare at nothing, stare past him as my body started shaking and my bottom lip started trembling, “It’s ok. There we go, it’s ok to cry sweet heart.”

  
I stopped. No, I wasn’t doing this. I wasn’t crying in front of him. I wasn’t. He didn’t have the right to see me cry. He didn’t have the right to know how angry I was. At myself, at him, at life. He had no right. I took a deep breath trying to ignore the tightness in my chest.

  
“I’m ok,” I said to him.

  
“You sure?” he asked me, “There isn’t anything wrong with being a little confused. I promise. There’s nothing wrong with this. With us. It’s healthy that I love you. That I want to be with you. You understand that, right? That there isn’t anything wrong with this despite what other people think. It’s ok for you to want it. Anytime you want to, you can come to me you know?”

  
I didn’t want it. Not mentally. Obviously, my body wanted it a little bit but that was all chemistry and even at 10 I understood that mostly. That’s all it was, was chemicals. Chemicals my body was full of responding to touch, to feel. It still made me feel guilty though, confused. Confused because he was my Da and he was a guy. And I was a guy and it was wrong. Just like wanting to hold hands with Cole was wrong, wondering what his skin would feel like, what his hair smelled like and whether his lips felt like pillows. I felt everything about me was wrong because so many things were wrong and I couldn’t fix any of it. Couldn’t even begin to figure out how to fix it.

  
I nodded my head, “Yeah, I’m fine Da.”

  
“Ok,” he nodded and kissed my chest through my shirt, “I love you ok? You’re one of my special boys you know that right?”

  
I nodded my head numbly. I just wanted to go to my room. I wanted to go upstairs and hug Bennington my Teddy bear and know that everything would be all right. That he wouldn’t ask me why I was crying and I didn’t have to try to explain anything to him. That he would just let me cry and then I’d feel better. At least for a little while.

  
“Good,” he said smiling before he stood up kissing my forehead, “I’m going to turn off the computer and stuff so if you want to…” he sighed looking at me.

  
“Oh. Right,” I said nodding my head before I stood up him bending down and handing me my underwear and shorts walking me to the door and shutting it behind me.

  
I don’t think I took a breath until I was in my room. Until I was under my covers hugging Bennington to my chest telling myself that it was ok. That I was ok. That none of it had to mean anything.

  
That the way it felt didn’t have to mean anything. That it was just my body being a body. Being dirty. Because that’s what bodies were. They were dirty. I was dirty and stupid and gross. But that it didn’t have to always be that way. That I just had to calm down and help mum get out of here and I could make up for all of that. That I could be good again. That if I found a way to get us all out of this I could be good and clean again.

  
Someone knocked on my door lightly making me jump, “Come in,” I said quietly.

  
“Will?” James said quietly.

  
“What Bud?” I asked him, “It’s late. You should be sleeping.”

  
“I couldn’t,” he said quietly.

  
“Ok, how about you go out to the kitchen and I’ll be out in a second?” I said once I realized I was still naked from the waist down.

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head and walking away shutting the door quietly behind him.

  
I pulled on some new clothes and went out into the kitchen to find him sitting at the counter in the dark. The light on the range top the only thing lighting up the area. I came over to him and leaned against the counter, “Want some warm milk? Or some hot chocolate, I know I could use some,” I told him.

  
“Hot chocolate? We won’t get in trouble?” he asked me.

  
“No,” I said smiling at him, “I promise.”

  
“Could I have some then please?” He asked me.

  
“Of course,” I said standing up and turning on the light getting out the mugs and pouring water into them from the sink before putting them in the microwave and starting it for two minutes, “What’s wrong? Why can’t you sleep bud?”

  
“John was crying. He was really sad. It sounded like someone was hurting him and I went into his room and no one was there. But he was crying like someone was hurting him,” James said, “Like when Da…” a tear escaped down his cheek, “When Da hurt me.”  
“Oh buddy,” I said going over to him and hugging him, “John’s just having a bad dream ok? It’s just a bad dream.”

  
“No,” he shook his head, “No he was hurting him. I know he was. He was hurting him in his dreams it was more than a bad dream.”

  
“Hey, it was just a bad dream. I know because I have them too sometimes. He’ll be ok when he wakes up,” I told him.

  
“No, it’s never ok,” he insisted, “He’s never ok and you’re never ok. Mummy is never ok. Nothing is ok.”

  
That’s when he started sobbing loudly as the timer on the microwave went off. I picked him up and carried him over to the couch. I put him in my lap like a baby and rocked him, “It’s ok bud. It’ll be ok. I don’t know when but I promise someday, somehow it will be ok,” I whispered as I rocked him like he was a toddler in my arms hushing him, trying to soothe him.

  
I don’t know how long I held him like that, just rocking him but after a while he quieted down. The lift eventually kicking on and mum stepping out frowning at the fact the lights were one before she saw us.

  
“What are…”

  
“Shhh,” I said, “I just got him to sleep.”

  
“What’s going on love?” She asked me quietly sitting down next to us.

  
“I came upstairs and after a couple of minutes he knocked on my door, told me he couldn’t sleep. I asked him if he wanted some hot chocolate and he said yes and then he told me that John had been crying in his sleep, that someone was hurting John in John’s dreams and he could tell by the way he was screaming. He told me that John will never ben ok and that you and I are never ok. That nothing is ever ok and then he started crying. I did the only thing I can think of,” I told her.

  
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here,” Mum said looking at me, “I’m sorry I let him bring you here.”

  
“You didn’t know,” I said.

  
“I should have,” She told me, “I should have and I’m sorry. It’s even affecting the little ones. He’s 6 years old. He shouldn’t be worried about someone hurting his brothers. The only thing he should be worried about is his homework and what cartoons he’s going to be watching this weekend.”

  
“He’s scared for us mum. It’s not just him,” I said, “I’m scared for us too.”

  
“I know love, I know Da hasn’t been…”

  
“It’s not just Da or Ben mum,” I said looking at the screen of the powered down TV.

  
“What?” She asked me quietly, “What do you mean?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to say any more about it. To talk about it. How it was my teacher and then Da’s Boss. How it had been those six strange guys at the party. How sometimes it wasn’t like real sex but just their tongues or fingers. How that still confused me because while I understood it was something they did by then and that they did it because it felt good why they would do it someone else and not just have the person do it to them.

  
“How about we get James back in bed love and then you and I talk a little bit. About you, about how you feel ok?” She coaxed.

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head standing up as mum tried to take him from me and I shook my head, “I got it.”

  
“You sure?” She asked me and I nodded my head.

  
She smiled at me and nodded in agreement following me down the hall as I placed him in his bed, pulling the covers up over him before I shut the door. I wasn’t sure how to explain it to her. How badly all of it hurt. How I knew her and John were sick and it was hard and scary and not just for James but for me too. For Mike and Matt too even if they didn’t realize it. How we were all so scared.

  
She walked to my bedroom, “Now can you tell me what you meant?”

  
“He let some…this guy,” I mumbled, “I... mum?”

  
“Yes love?” she asked me.

  
“I don’t get it,” I said.

  
“Get what?” she asked me.

  
“Why they would want to…stick their tongues in..in…inside o-o-o-ff mme,” I stuttered over the words my chest feeling tight.

  
“Oh,” Mums face went red, “Well…” she sighed, “I’m sorry love I wasn’t really expecting that but, I’ll try to answer. Do you ever do something for someone else like hold a door open and it makes you feel like you did something good? It makes you happy for doing a good thing for someone else?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Well it’s kind of like that for them. Because they know it can make someone else’s body feel really good and that makes them feel good,” She told me, “The idea of it makes them very excited so then they do it.”

  
“I don’t think I like it,” I said before I started crying.

  
“Oh love,” she said hugging me, “I know. I know you don’t. I’m sure you tell them that all the time too.”

  
I couldn’t stop crying long enough to tell her that I didn’t. That I wasn’t allowed to tell them that. That I didn’t want them to do that. That if I did I got in trouble.

  
“I’m so sorry love. Mummy’s so sorry,” she said her voice sounding thick, filled with tears, “Is there anything else?” she asked me as I looked up at her and she noticed my face, “What happened?”

  
“Da,” I mumbled, “He…I asked him not to and he…he hit me.”

  
“Ask.asked him not to what?” she asked me pulling her shoulders back her whole body at attention like she was afraid of the answer.

  
“He…,” I went quiet. I couldn’t tell her that. It felt wrong. I knew he was my Da but he was her husband. It was embarrassing telling her. Having her know that less than two hours ago Da had well, even at 10 I knew that’s something you didn’t tell a man’s wife because he was supposed to be doing those things with her not you. Especially if it was your mum.

  
“It’s ok. I won’t be mad at you,” She said quietly.

  
“It’s not that mum it’s…,” I sighed. I didn’t know how to explain it.

  
“That’s I’m your mum and he’s your Da?” She guessed.

  
I nodded my head, “It’s weird mum. I hate it and it’s stupid and gross and it’s weird. When I tell him no to anything he gets mad mum. He gets so mad. I told him not to. That I didn’t want to and he got mad. So, he hit me and then he…” I gulped, “He did it anyway.”

  
“When?” she asked me.

  
“Like an hour ago maybe?” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“He told me he was going to be working late that asshole,” she muttered, “Are you sore? Did he hurt you? I mean obviously he hurt you but…are you bleeding is everything…?”

  
“Not like that,” I said feeling my face going red as I realized what I was telling her. That I was telling her he did other things. That he didn’t just penetrate us but that he did other stuff too.

  
Her face went red again, “Oh,” she said quietly nodding her head, “Ok. Are you ok though?”

  
“I am now,” I said nodding my head.

  
“He lets other people do that too?” she asked me and I nodded my head again.

  
“Ok. Will love can you do me a huge favor? Make sure when he does stuff like that, anything like that or he lets someone else you’re writing everything down. I mean everything, the date, the time on the clock, the clothes you were wearing, where it happened the person who did it, every single thing you can think of ok? I know it’s embarrassing and I know it’s hard to think about but, it will make it so much easier to get Da and these people put away somewhere they can never hurt you or anyone else again. Do you understand that?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah mum, I understand,” I said.

  
“Good,” she said kissing my forehead, “Sunday when everyone leaves I’ll give you your journal and you can write everything down all right love? And you should keep it. That way you don’t have to come to me to get it. Keep it in here under your mattress ok?”  
“Ok mum,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Ok love, I’m going to go and take care of everyone, make sure everyone is fed and taken care of for the night. You get some sleep. Tomorrow we have people coming over ok?”

  
“Ok, goodnight mum. I love you,” I said quietly.

  
“I love you too,” she told me before she shut the door.


	32. Thirtytwo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People arrive to spend the holidays with the family as guest. Will learns through talking and conversation what his younger sister does and doesn't know about sex and what's going on in the house. Matt makes things slightly uncomfortable and Lionel comes over to stay for the holidays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 502 to 545. Kind of a long chapter but there's a couple of reasons for that. It covers the night before Christmas Eve. The night that everyone arrives for the holidays which if you've read John's account you know what happens. So **very strong warnings for this Chapter** because you're viewing the after math of James' very first time with someone else besides Connor. He's six. He's scared and he doesn't feel safe. He feels confused and hurt and he's sore. He doesn't understand. A six year old mind can only understand things so much in a certain context. You're looking at a 10 year old who feels responsible for this happening to his little brother and in a way to his older brother. **Warnings: Extremely underage rape aftermath, mental health issues, emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, physical abuse, child sexual abuse, forced anal fingering, forced anal sex, forced rimming, forced oral sex, forced kissing, sex education, talk of past sexual abuse, fear, anxiety, talk of drug abuse and other delinquent behavior, talk of ball shaving Chapter 11 in John pt1.**

I don’t remember sleeping well that night. I remember being too scared and too worried. Worried about what would happen to John and James. What would happen to all of us including mum. Because mum wasn’t going to let some guy come into her house and just rape her kids. I could imagine Da hurting her very badly in order to get what he wanted. In order to get us alone with him and his friends, the leader. The whole idea had me tossing and turning all night until my alarm went off at 10. I would have probably slept in longer but I was too on edge and I felt like Karen would need me to help because mum wouldn’t be up and around. It was just a feeling I had.

  
When I was dressed I came out of my room to find the play room/family room had been destroyed. It looked like Catty had taken the complete contents of her dress up chest and dumped it on the floor behind the TV area next to the play kitchen. I blinked at it confused as to what had happened and why it had happened as Catty came out of her room blue streaks of powder going across her eyes and bridge of her nose and down her cheeks as she smiled at me everything under her nose covered in bright pink some even on her teeth.

  
“Catty what happened?” I asked her.

  
“Mike agreed to play with me but only if I brought it out here so he could still play video games too,” she informed me as one of the bedroom doors opened and Mike came out.

  
He had purple eye shadow smeared across his cheeks like war paint while he wore an old lady’s beige velvet tea hat with a floppy rim that he kept having to move out of his face covered in big fake red flowers and blue feathers. His dress was a light pink with a tutu like skirt a long necklace of fake fat white beads draped down his front.

  
“What on earth?” I asked.

  
“She was bored and she pointed out we never play with her so I offered,” he said shrugging his shoulders before he announced loudly to Catherine, “Thank you for the tea my lady.”

  
“Anytime Madam,” she said doing a curtsey at him.

  
“I am however afraid I must be going. My son will be home from school soon you see,” he said trying to keep his voice in an unusually high pitch, “And I must clean you know.”

  
“I absolutely despise cleaning I have maids for that,” she said and then looked at me, “Maid,” she said pointing at the mess in front of us, “Clean my house.”

  
“Ok,” I said shaking my head, “Where is Karen?”

  
“How should I know?” she asked me, breaking character.

  
“Where is Matt?” I asked.

  
“He’s somewhere,” Mike said.

  
“Where is somewhere?” I asked.

  
“With Karen in the nursery,” Mike said.

  
“Is Karen really in the nursery?” I asked Mike.

  
Please god let Karen really be in the nursery. That’s all I remember thinking, was please she really had to be in the nursery. I couldn’t deal with that again especially not today. Not with what I knew was happening today. I didn’t stop to hear Mikes answer bolting for the nursery door and opening it. I sighed with relief when I found them both in there Karen rocking Mary in the rocker while she watched Matt quietly playing with toddler Legos with Laura and Andy and Mac.

  
“You ok Will?” Karen asked me raising one of her eyebrows up at me inquisitively.

  
“Yeah. I’m good,” I answered nodding my head.

  
So, he wasn’t hurting them or doing anything bad but just playing with them. Being near them. The idea still made me nervous, made me wonder why that was something he felt compelled to do. Whether that was something that I should be worried about.

  
“Matty why aren’t you playing video games?” I asked him.

  
“I’m bored of Mario,” he told me, “So I figured I’d do something different.”

  
He paused looking at the structure he was building his hand midair with a blue block in it which Mac took and promptly stuck in his mouth. Andy looked at him and laughed while Matt sighed heavily, “Really Mac? Now it’s covered in your slobber.”

  
“Mine,” Mac said quietly smiling happily at Matt.

  
“Sure, I mean I guess you can have it. It’s not going to do me any good now,” Matt replied shrugging his shoulders.

  
“He just slobbered on it Matt all you have to do is wipe it off,” I pointed out.

  
“I can just grab another one. He can have it,” he said reaching behind him and grabbing another one from the bucket as Andy went up behind him and turned and he ran his hand over the top of Andy’s head smiling. I must have frowned because he looked at me and shrugged his shoulders, “I’m not going to hurt him. For real ok?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Why are you scared he’s going to hurt someone? Matt is a sweet kid,” Karen said finally speaking for the first time.

  
“You don’t know him like I do,” I said.

  
“No. I probably know him better considering how much time you spent with him compared to me,” Karen said.

  
“Karen, you work four days a week with us. When I’m not in school I’ve been within walking distance of him from the day he was born. I’ve known him for around nine years and five months give or take so I think I probably know him a little better than you do. And I’m not saying he’s dangerous I’m saying that sometimes he’s just mean ok?” I pointed out.

  
“My lord you and John are both annoying,” she said shaking her head and rolling her eyes, “If anyone is mean I think it’s John.”

  
“John has issues ok?” I said.

  
“Yeah, he’s a pathological liar,” she said.

  
“I’m not even getting into this with you,” I said shaking my head.

  
“What so you believe him?” she scoffed at me.

  
“Well, he’s my brother. He’s taken care of me my whole life. So, what do you think?” I asked her.

  
I didn’t want to go into the fact that I knew it was true because of all the times I had seen Hank’s police cruiser in our driveway. Or how many times I had caught John crying. I didn’t want to go into the fact that I knew it was true because while Hank wasn’t hurting me Da was and Uncle Ben and that they were letting other people do it too. I didn’t want to talk about how John used to hide me in the closet constantly in order to keep me safe.

  
“If it’s true tell me about my Dad. If you really know him tell me what he looks like, his cruiser number. Do you know any of those things? I highly doubt it,” she said.

  
“Well usually when I see him he’s in his uniform but he’s kind of fat. He’s probably around 6’0 tall, short buzz cut hair with a blocky face kind of. Cruiser number 2313. What else can I tell you about Hank, your father. Huh, he seems to have a temper but he also likes touching people. Just like poking your shoulder or brushing up against you if you stand too close to him. When he smiles his eyes kind of slant. It makes him look weird. Anything else you care to know?” I asked her.

  
“So, you read his cruiser number and saw him a couple of times. He is friends with your Uncle,” she said getting up and putting Mary in her crib.

  
“Anyone who is friends with my Uncle either needs to seriously reevaluate their life choices or they are not the type of person you want around your children,” I told her a tight smile on my face, “Ask my mum about that.”

  
“Your mum is nuts. I mean she’s a lovely woman but she’s like depressed or something because she’s hardly around and when she is she just tells me what to do and not anything else,” she told me.

  
“She’s your boss,” I said, “She’s not your friend. She’s not your teammate. She’s your fucking boss. She doesn’t need to talk to you. No one is paying her to entertain you. It’s not her job. It’s your place to do what she tells you when she tells you without question.”

  
“That’s not how employment of a nanny works,” Karen said.

  
“Pretty sure it is,” I said.

  
“You and your brother are both little shits,” she said which caused Matt to drop one of his blocks on the floor staring at us.

  
“If you knew the stuff I deal with Karen, you’d probably be a little shit too sometimes,” I said.

  
“What did my Dad touch you too?” She mocked.

  
“I didn’t say that and I’m not going to,” I said, “You don’t know anything about us though. Don’t pretend because you’ve been working with our siblings for what is it? Like almost a month or something like that that you have any idea what John deals with or what I deal with. You’re not my nanny and you really seriously aren’t his. He told you something you didn’t like and he’s a shit. I tell you off for it and I’m a shit. I wonder what my mum would say if she heard you call me that. Or him.”

  
“You wouldn’t,” she said her confidence faltering.

  
“You don’t know what I would do for my brother. If you want to keep being mean to him you’ll find out,” I said before turning around and walking away.

  
Was she fucking kidding? I was a shit and my mum was nuts? Someone was coming into my house to rape my brothers later that day. One of which was six years old. Of course, I was a shit. I was stressed and worried and someone who had raped me twice was coming to dinner at my house and my mum wasn’t allowed to know. My Da had raped me last night. I was fucking pissed. My older brother was drinking himself to death. My Da had hired a retard for a nanny and my mum kept locking herself in bedrooms because she couldn’t deal with it.

  
I was 10. I might have been smart but there were a lot of things I didn’t understand about the situation and that made me very angry and very upset about everything. There were so many things that I felt I was dealing with alone because of John’s drinking and mum’s hiding because while she promised she wouldn’t do that again I had a hard time believing it. Sometimes when she looked at me or John I could see it in her face that she didn’t know what to do with us. That she wanted to hide, she wanted it all to go away as badly as we did. That she wanted us to have a normal Da who didn’t do those things to us. Who didn’t let other people do those things to us.

  
I went to my room and shut the door. I needed to be alone for a minute or two. Calm down. Like I had last night just this time because I was so angry. So, angry that there wasn’t anything I could do to stop any of this from happening. To stop this Christmas from sucking ass. To stop someone from hurting my brothers. To stop our lives from falling apart.

  
I had finally calmed down enough to open my book when there was a knock on my door making me sigh and lay my book on my chest, “Come in,” I called.

  
“Love, I’m not trying to interrupt you here but, what happened in the family room?” She asked me.

  
“Oh! Mum I forgot. I’m sorry,” I said, “Cat and Mike decided to play dress up. I’m sorry I really forgot.”

  
“It’s ok love. Are you ok today?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah, I’m fine. Everything is ok,” I said.

  
“Good. Your Da invited some people to spend a couple days with us over Christmas. His boss and apparently two of his guy friends who are single. Both of their wives are out of the picture and they have sons around John’s age. Apparently, they usually eat banquet meals while they watch the game in front of the TV and that’s no way to raise your kids,” she said.

  
That was the first I had heard of anyone else coming besides the leader. I hadn’t read those emails. More people. That meant…

  
“Who are they mum?” I asked.

  
“Karen’s Da and her little brother apparently and then you know the friend who came back to ask John a couple of questions? Him and his son,” Mum said.

  
Arthur. Arthur who had told me not to say anything. That I could help make sure John didn’t get hurt as bad and then he made me get naked and he…

  
“Are you ok love?” Mum asked coming over and touching the top of my head.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “Just tired.”

  
“Ok well if you could please supervise the cleaning process in the family room I would be very happy and then maybe take everyone downstairs that would be a huge help,” she told me, “Karen is in charge of the nursery and apparently is heading home to enjoy some time to herself.”

  
“Ok mum, I’ll help,” I said sitting up and putting my book down on the bed.

  
“Thank you love,” she said smiling, “You really do so much for me. You have no idea what a big help you are.”

  
“You’re welcome mum,” I said smiling at her before I went out into the living room.

  
“No MIKE! You’re supposed to be turning off the play station,” I heard Karen yell loudly.

  
“I’m almost done,” he moaned.

  
“Now Mike,” I said, “Please? We have guests coming.”

  
“We do?” He asked turning to me the look on his face surprised.

  
“Yeah, so it’s time to clean up. Come on,” I said and he sighed turning to look at his game.

  
“I’m about to die anyway,” he told me before he shut it down.

  
“Thank you. Now help Cat get this stuff back in her room neatly,” I said as he started picking dress-up clothes up off the floor, “And then go shower and get the makeup off your face.”

  
“They’re wearing make up?” Karen asked walking up to Cat and looking at her closely, “Catherine where did you get that?”

  
“It was in the bag,” Cat answered grabbing some scarfs and stuff up off the floor and walking down the hall.

  
“The bag…,” Karen repeated to herself her nose wrinkled in confusion, “the bag…the…fuck! You mean my purse?!” she screeched.

  
“Karen!” Mum said coming out of the bedroom, “You know how I feel about that language.”

  
“Sorry Mrs. McGregor. The kids got into my make up,” Karen explained.

  
“Don’t leave your purse in their reach. We do have coat hooks downstairs for a reason. There isn’t any reason your purse should be up here where the kids can get it,” Mum pointed out.

  
“Yes mam,” Karen said.

  
“I don’t want to put it away,” Catty said.

  
“Well, we need to make the house all clean because we have guest coming over,” Mum said, “And then you and Mike need to wash the makeup off so I can see those beautiful faces.”

  
“I’m not beautiful. Only girls are beautiful,” Mike said.

  
“Tell that to our guest,” I muttered under my breath before I remembered no one knew about that.

  
“What did you say love?” Mum turned to look at me curiously.

  
“Nothing,” I said quickly smiling.

  
“Don’t do this to me already. You’re 10 Will don’t be a teenager yet,” Mum said.

  
“I’m almost 11,” I said before I grabbed a pile of dress up clothes and walked away.

  
I hadn’t meant to say that. I was tired of being called beautiful though. Uncle Ben called me beautiful and the leader. Da sometimes. I didn’t want to be beautiful. I imagined John felt the same way. It didn’t feel good being a boy and being “Beautiful”. Knowing that it meant people just wanted to see you naked. See you with your clothes off.

  
It didn’t feel good. I imagined that’s probably how John felt because I knew as bad as I had it John had it worse. That between Hank and Ben and Da and everyone else Da was passing him out to he was probably hurting a lot more than I was. Feeling a lot more unsure of himself than I was and that’s why he was drinking. But realizing that made me feel selfish because I was stuck where I was.

  
Scared that mum wouldn’t keep her promise. Scared that she would disappear again and John would keep drinking and then keep sleeping until 2pm every weekend to the point where I was alone. To the point where I had countless little people counting on me to hold it together, to not fall apart. And yet here I was. I felt like I was holding on by a thread. A thread that was unraveling and fraying at faster and faster rates. I knew that three people who probably wanted to see me and everyone else in the house that was underage naked were going to be there. That they were probably going to do something to get rid of mum so she wasn’t paying attention and I didn’t plan on letting them hurt anyone if I could stop it and those chances of me stopping it were slim to none the whole thing seeming insurmountable.

  
John woke up popping his head out of his bedroom already fully dressed by the time the living room was completely picked up and put back into sorts Matt coming out of the bedroom to Join Mike in playing Goldeneye 007 on Nintendo 64. Which to be honest was more Matt’s style than Mikes. The way his eyes honed in on the screen like nothing else existed. Like he really was the character trolling bathrooms and dark corners looking for people to shoot. Looking for ways to annihilate his enemies if he even had any of those. Sometimes the way he moved through life I felt like he might see enemies simply as friends he hadn’t met yet. People he had yet to charm.

  
After a while Da called out on the com asking mum to bring everyone downstairs and we all met him in the kitchen. When we made it there he hugged mum and gave her a kiss on the cheek her smiling at him like everything was fine. Like everything was normal as she looked at him adoringly and squeezed his hand.

  
When mum let go of his hand her face fell. She looked beyond tired and worn. Like she wasn’t sure any of this was a good idea. Was what she wanted. Like she was playing a game. A game she was losing.

  
“Ok everyone my new boss wants to meet the family and as you know I’ve gotten to be very good friends with Officer Kingly and his wife passed away not too long ago so it’s just him and his kids however Karen wanted to go on break with her friends so it’s just Hank and his son Patrick so I have invited them to stay the night tonight and eat dinner with us tomorrow. Gable is coming with his son too whom I believe you know from school right Will? Cole?” Da said glancing at me briefly before turning his eyes back to John, “So you guys can all hang out and get to know each other. Have fun, chill do whatever it is want to do tonight and then we’ll all have Christmas eve dinner tomorrow along with Christmas dinner the night after probably.”

  
“Oh, that sounds nice the boys can have a sleep over,” Mum said smiling at John and I, “That’s something you haven’t done since you left the dorms right boys?”

  
“Yeah, it might be nice to make some friends,” John mumbled.

  
“I expect everyone to behave. Those who are too young please give the older boys some space,” Da said.

  
That’s what he said but what I heard was give them time to themselves because we’re going to fuck them raw or at least that’s the plan. I felt sick thinking of it but excited that Cole was coming. I liked Cole and I wondered if I would get a chance to talk to him. To actually see what he was up to and how his vacation had been going. Because while I knew him and I liked him I didn’t get to see him often.

  
I wondered what he was like outside of school. If he was as funny outside of school as he seemed to be in school. If he was more serious. If his eyes still sparkled the same way when he laughed somewhere else besides the lunch room. If he would be nice to me or ignore me. After all John was closer to his age. John was more likely to be his friend than I was. I wondered if he knew how I felt about him.

  
“They’ll be here around five so if you older guys could make sure your level is straightened out and helps you mum I would be very grateful. That’s it for now. I’m going up to my office to do some last-minute work before our guest arrive,” Da said as he got up.

  
We all stood there in silence staring at each other John giving me a nervous smile before he sighed and clapped his hands, “Ok because we’re all down here anyway who wants to have a snack in the big kitchen?” he asked our younger siblings.

  
“I eat fish!” Andrew exclaimed walking over to John and pulling on his pant leg jumping up and down excitedly causing a small laugh from mum as John picked him up and picked him up under the arm pits.

  
“Yes, you eat fish you monkey you!!!” he said before kissing his forehead and putting him in his booster seat.

  
“Anyone else want gold fish crackers?” Mum asked while she looked at them both adoringly. Karen putting Mary in her highchair before she went into the pantry and pulled out two different bags of gold fish.

  
“Can I have some mummy?” Catherine asked mum looking up at her but grabbing my hand.

  
“Sure, you can firefly,” Mum replied bending down and kissing her head.

  
I was about to ask Cat if she was ok because that wasn’t something she usually did when I noticed John looking at me his brown wrinkled. There was something he was worried about. I knew he wanted to talk to me so I nodded my head in the direction of the stairs telling him it was no problem. That I had no issue listening to what he had to say. I was just as worried as he was. Just as scared and not for myself but, more for everyone else.

  
John grabbed a small bowl of crackers and set them on the table in front of Andy before tapping mum on the shoulder and saying something quietly to her which she nodded in response him and I both turning and heading up the stairs, him somewhere behind me.

  
I heard mum ask him if he was ok and him saying he was all right before I heard his steps following behind me. I made it to the elevator before he caught up to me. I sighed heavily and leaned back against the wall. I had no idea what we were going to do. How we were going to make it out of this ok. Da had made it very clear something bad was going to be happening and I didn’t know how John was going to handle it. Or how I was going to deal with everyone else all by myself.

  
He sighed heavily at me as he almost fell off his feet and landed on the carpet his legs crossed in front of him, his knees bent as he sat down. I sighed and sat down as well in the hallway up against the opposite wall pulling my knees into my chest.

  
“You don’t think she suspects, do you?” he asked me quietly crossing his arms over his chest and leaning forward.

  
I could tell that he was trying to look pissed or angry or confused but really, he was worried. Terrified. Terrified That there wasn’t anything either of us could really do but what we were told and hope Da didn’t hurt anyone. Didn’t let them hurt anyone too badly.

  
“Do I think she knows something? Yeah for sure. I was watching. She seemed sad when she hugged him. I think we need to be super careful John. You know how she’s been lately,” I told him.

  
“You’re afraid she’s going to totally…” I cut off his words.

  
“Lose it when she figures…I mean if she figures out what’s going on? Yeah. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of. I don’t know how we’re going to manage this John. I mean we don’t know anything about this Patrick guy to start with and then Hank is going to be here and Arthur. What if this Patrick guy is like him?” I asked.

  
“Well yeah but I mean it’s Cole. We both know Cole and Cole seems cool. I can’t imagine him hanging out with someone who would do that. And they are both bottoms anyway so hopefully it won’t be that bad. Dr. Palmer put it…I think he said we’re up the same shit creek without a paddle and they are on the same boat we are so…hopefully he’s not that bad,” John said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“I don’t know,” I sighed.

  
I knew Cole had told me he was like a brother to him. That Pat was almost like his brother but, that didn’t mean much. Knowing the other guys, I knew with brothers. How Finn and Teddy had warned me about Finn’s brother. That he wasn’t a good guy. That he was someone I should be careful of. I mean looking at my brothers that didn’t give me a strong vote of confidence not that I had a problem with most of them. In fact, I loved them all with all of my heart but Matt had serious problems. Problems to the point where he wanted to hurt Andy. Andy who had just started potty training. Andy who had just switched from diapers to training pants. Hell, Matt was doing things to Mike that Mike had told me he wasn’t ok with. Things that I knew if they continued I needed to let mum know about.

  
The com buzzed, “Hey Dani girl,” Da said into it using mum’s nickname, “Can you sent our oldest five up to my office?” Da asked.

  
I wanted to lighten the mood. Teasing was ok sometimes. Sure, what I had planned might get me smacked but it seemed like it would be funny at the time so as I heard mum reply into the com and Da answer back again before mum asked us if we heard what he said I hit the com.

  
“Affirmative mum,” I snickered and then turned and stuck my tongue out at John, “Hickey and I heard and are going to head up.”

  
John wrinkled his nose and annoyance and flashed me the bird but smiled shaking his head. I laughed silently as he rolled his eyes and ran his hand over his neck to see if he could feel how bad his neck looked. At that point it had mostly faded and it wasn’t that horrible above his shirt collar I was just honestly giving him a hard time.

  
“Don’t poke fun at your brother it’s unbecoming,” Mum said to me to which I sighed. I wasn’t doing it to be mean.

  
“Your right mum, I’m sorry,” I said to her hitting the button with my thumb.

  
“Don’t tell me you’re sorry say it to your brother. I expect you not to do that with guest here,” Mum replied back.

  
“Yes mum. It was a joke sorry. They’re here so we’re going up now,” I said hitting the button one last time before I jogged to catch the lift as James and the twins got inside of it John holding the door open with his hand in order to help me catch up.

  
We rode the lift in silence as I sighed running a hand across my head nervously as I looked at the floor.

  
“What?” I heard John ask.

  
“Your neck looks horrible,” Mike said as the elevator opened.

  
“Yep,” John sighed.

  
I didn’t think it did. I frowned and grabbed the collar of John’s shirt for a second causing him to stop and give me a questioning look. From the front and even from the side it didn’t look that bad but from the back it looked insane. Like someone had taken some type of clamp and pinched the back of his neck repeatedly until it was black and blue and purple. Some of the bruises branching out from the main one almost looking like finger prints that had been left on his skin.

  
My stomach dropped. I hadn’t realized it looked that bad from behind. I felt bad. If I had known that’s what it had looked like from behind I wouldn’t have joked about it. I imagined how much it had to hurt. How bad just getting those marks must have hurt. What they had to have done to him to do that. To leave those types of marks.

  
I turned and knocked on the office door once we got outside of it waiting for Da to tell us we should come in before I opened it. He was leaning back in his chair his feet on the top of his desk. I felt my stomach drop a little looking at it. I had to close my eyes for a second to keep myself from panicking from running from the room. I had told him no. I had begged him not to and yet he still… My chest felt tight just thinking about it. I felt a hand lace through my fingers and looked down James holding my hand standing close to my side.

  
I couldn’t tell if he knew or not. Knew I was feeling some type of anxiety or panic but, him just touching my hand helping me calm down. Making me feel grounded and reminding me I wasn’t alone with da that he wouldn’t hurt me because other people were there. That he wasn’t usually public about that type of thing at least, not with me.

  
Da started speaking, “Ok the Leader is coming to Christmas. If you have hair anywhere that’s super obvious shave it please. I mean you John and Will and guys don’t eat a lot of fatty stuff and make sure you get lots of fiber and please behave around the leader. If he asks you something answer. If he tells you not to do something, just don’t do it. Behave or your name might end up in the bowl and I really don’t want it to because I love all of you very much. Ok, everyone but John can go,” Da said dismissing us.

  
James kept a hold of my hand as we walked away and John went and shut the door behind me per Da’s direction. Matt hit the lift button and then looked at me.

  
“Why does he want us to eat fiber?” Matt asked.

  
“Yeah isn’t that the stuff that makes you shit?” Mike asked me.

  
“MIKE!” I said surprised that he had sworn, “First don’t talk like that and second it doesn’t really make you crap more just kind of like makes it more solid I guess. Why?”

  
“Because I figured that was something you would know,” Mike answered as the lift opened, “What does that have to do with anything though?”

  
“It makes it less messy,” Matt commented.

  
I turned to him my mouth open. He looked at me frowning, “What? It does. That’s what Da said. I asked him about it once because he told me I was too messy and needed to eat more oatmeal and then I asked him what he meant and he said last time we had alone time when he had pulled out he had too much…”

  
“OK!” I said stopping him from speaking, “Let’s not talk about that right now.”

  
“You said if we had questions we should ask you,” Mike told me.

  
“Yes, that’s not a question though. Not really that’s him telling everyone why,” I answered.

  
“But it’s true. He said there was too much of it and that he liked it if I was cleaner so…,” Matt trailed off shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Doesn’t it hurt? When he sticks it there?” James asked quietly.

  
“IT did the first couple of times but now it feels kind of…,” Matt smiled biting his bottom lip for a second, “it’s hard to explain.”

  
I felt my face flush. It was hard to explain. The way that it made everything feel tight and full but then tickle all at the same time. The way it burned a little bit at first every time but then the burn subsided and that static started at your tail bone traveling up your spine and into your brain and then out into your pelvis making your whole body feel hot. Making every touch feel like it was too much like it was lighting your skin on fire and covering it in ice at the same time. The fact that it was your Da making you feel that way made it even more confusing, made it that much worse.

  
“It hurt when he did it to me,” James said.

  
“That’s because he only did it the one time. I bet and you were scared because you didn’t know what he was doing,” Matt said, “If you’re scared it hurts more.”

  
“Is that true Will? Will? Are you ok?” James asked.

  
“Wha…Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied.

  
“You were thinking about it, weren’t you?” Matt asked seeming thrilled with himself. Thrilled with the fact that he had managed to make me uncomfortable.

  
“No,” I shook my head.

  
“Yeah you were,” Matt insisted, “Tell them. It doesn’t feel bad. It doesn’t have to.”

  
“Matt shut up!” I hissed.

  
It didn’t want to talk about it. And I didn’t want to hear him talk about it. Did he even know what Da was planning to do? That if other people weren’t hurting him already they were going to be soon. It wasn’t just going to be Da anymore but Da and whoever else Da gave permission to. That he wasn’t special. None of us were.

  
“Some one’s feeling touchy,” Matt said.

  
“He doesn’t like talking about it. There’s nothing wrong with that,” Mike said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“You mean like how it feels weird when he…” James’ face went red, “Puts his mouth there?”

  
“Yes,” Matt said, “I kind of like it though. Don’t you?”

  
James shook his head vigorously, “No. No I don’t like that. It feels weird. Not good.”

  
“I think it feels nice sometimes,” Matt insisted, “You just have to like relax. Then it doesn’t feel so bad.”

  
“That’s enough,” I said quietly putting my foot down.

  
I wasn’t going to listen to him talk about it like this. Like it was something that was ok when it wasn’t. I wasn’t going to let him help brainwash everyone else. It wasn’t happening.

  
“It feels weird yes, but that burning that you felt that one time James? You always feel that. Always. It doesn’t feel good it feels weird it makes everything feels weird your whole body,” I said, “I know I don’t like it. It doesn’t matter what Matt tells you or Da tells you it’s ok to not like it Jay, Mike you two understand that right?”

  
“Yeah,” Mike said quietly frowning at me as James squeezed my hand.

  
“It’s ok,” James told me, “It’s ok he’s not doing it right now. We’re ok.”

  
“Shit,” I said I realized I was crying.

  
“It’s ok,” James said hugging me, “We’re ok Willy.”

  
“Matt, you upset him,” Mike pointed out.

  
“I don’t get why…” Matt started.

  
“Because you’re different! You’re not like everyone else. I tell you this all the time Matty. You’re different you’re not like other people and other people don’t like it when you talk about things. They don’t get it ok? They don’t get you. Not like I do. Tell him your sorry,” Mike told Matt pointing at me.

  
I wiped at my eyes, “No. It’s fine. I’m ok.”

  
“No, you’re not,” Mike insisted.

  
“I didn’t mean to,” Matt said, “I’m sorry Will. I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

  
“I…it’s,” I tried to get out but then decided different. Decided that they didn’t understand what it was like. That they were too young to get it. Too young to get how confusing it was. How all of those things made you hate yourself and wish you didn’t have a body, “I’m fine guys. I promise.”

  
“You sure?” James asked looking up at me causing me to notice how close his face really was to my crotch his forehead hitting the center of my rib cage as he hugged my waist causing me to detach him from my body.

  
“Yeah. I’m sure I promise ok? Don’t worry about it,” I told him.

  
“Ok,” he nodded his head as the lift door opened and we stepped off onto the empty floor.

  
“Hello? Boys? Are you still upstairs with your Da?” Mum asked through the com.

  
“No,” I answered going over to the wall and pushing the button, “We’re upstairs.”

  
“Oh, all right love. We’ll be up in a couple of minutes I was just wondering where everyone was. No one was answering, “Mum said before I heard the lift click on meaning someone was calling it down stairs. It didn’t take long for everyone to come up mum carrying both Mary and Seamus while Karen carried Mac.

  
“I’m going to put the babies down and then Will can you pull out the vacuum and do that for me. Will you guys make sure everything is neat and help your brother please?” She asked Cat and James along with Mike and Matt.

  
“Yeah mum no problem,” Matt said going over and starting to pull the baby swings up against the walls.

  
I grabbed the vacuum and started using it focusing on what I was doing instead of the things Matt had said. Trying to focus on the task at hand instead of what was happening. I didn’t hear the lift move again because what I was doing was so loud but after a while John stepped out his hands clasped behind his back as he stepped out looking at us and smiling sadly before he walked over to mum and started talking to her.

  
I didn’t know what they were saying but she walked across the hallway and grabbed her purse out of the kitchen before handing John a small tube smiling sadly at him before she frowned at him saying something else, looking upset. By then I was done using the vacuum and sighed putting it away.

  
“You guys we should get ready to go downstairs,” I said looking over at the clock on the range, “they’re going to be here soon and I know Da is going to want us downstairs to greet his boss, where is James and Cat?”

  
“Here,” Cat said coming out her face finally clean. She looked like a real girl again her hair pulled back in two pigtails trailing down her back wearing a white dress that had yellow accents. She looked like a little yellow angel with fire hair her green eyes smiling at me sadly.

  
“Mike can you go bathe too please?” Mum asked.

  
“But I wiped it off,” Mike groaned talking about his face paint a smudge of blue still going across one cheek.

  
“Go shower. I have to help John with something,” Mum said smiling at him as he walked down the hall towards his room, “Will can you head downstairs? Just with the older kids you can take Andy Laura too if you want but after Mr. Lord gets here …what’s wrong?”

  
My face must have dropped or my weight must have shifted. Something to tip her off. Otherwise she wouldn’t have asked the way she did stopping mid-sentence. It just felt weird hearing his name. Made a tactile memory flash across my skin. Made it hard to breathe for a second, hard to think. I didn’t want to upset her. I didn’t want this to upset her. She wasn’t supposed to know. She wasn’t allowed to know.

  
“Nothing,” I shook my head trying to dismiss it, “I’ll take them downstairs. Come on guys.”

  
We got on the lift. No one asked me any questions as we headed down the four of us. Mike still being upstairs because he was showering so he looked decent and not like he had blue eyeshadow smeared across his cheek and John probably getting make up applied to the back of his neck with the help of mum. Just James, Matt, Cat and I for the moment.

  
When I got downstairs I started straightening things up as they sat on the couch waiting. After a few minutes hearing the lift again and John coming down. He turned his back for a second looking at something on the wall blankly. I could tell his nerves were up. His back hunched him pulling into himself. He was just as a scared as I was. Just as aware that this wasn’t good. That something bad was going to happen.

  
“I can barely tell,” I mentioned beating one of the couch pillows into a more pillow like shape, “The miracles those girls have huh? Who knew?”

  
He frowned at me confused for a second before his eyes lit up in understanding touching the back of his neck, “Yeah. Who knew?” he said smiling at me as the doorbell rang.

  
Da appeared out of nowhere. I had thought he was still up in the office but he must have been in his bedroom or something because he came and opened the door. Hank was standing at the front of the group looking around. He looked weird. I had never seen him not wearing his uniform him instead wearing what looked like an ugly sweater of green and a pair of khaki colored slacks shaking Da’s hand as he walked in.

  
“We rode together,” Hank announced as he moved past Da and Arthur took Da’s hand and shook it as well.

  
I felt myself recoil a little as his eyes met mine. That was Cole’s Da. The man from before. Cole coming in the door and smiling in John and I’s direction giving us a slight wave as he carried a bag over his shoulder before he moved aside. I glanced at John his whole expression slack besides his eyes which were lit up in curiosity. That was different.

  
I had never seen John look at anyone with that intensity before. Pat however did look really odd. I remember his hair being down to his chin it was like a weird bowl cut without bangs and jet black. The blackest, black I had ever seen. Even darker than Karen’s hair. Karen who was his sister. His eyes were slightly more almond shaped than most people and you could tell that him just like Karen had a little bit of Asian in him somewhere but he had ocean blue eyes. I think the part that threw John the most was the lip ring hooked around his lip on the right side him biting it slightly as he looked at both of us before glancing at the rest of the room.

  
“Hey John. This is Paddy,” Hank said next to my head making me jump as I turned and looked to see him hanging off John slightly. John shivering visibly as he leaned in even closer whispering something in John’s ear and I looked back to his son who was frowning like he wanted to crush his father’s skull.

  
“Really?” Patrick scoffed shaking his head, “Keep it in your fucking pants”

  
“Well. He’s certainly got a mouth on him,” Da said smiling at Patrick causing him to shake his head more and frown.

  
“Yes. He does because he doesn’t understand what politeness and obedience are since he got back from his special vacation,” Hank said giving our Da a strained smile before he turned and looked behind our group probably keeping an eye out for my mum.  
Da’s smile grew looking at Pat his eyes doing that thing where the raked a person from head to toe as he imagined them naked. I felt myself shift uncomfortably just watching, “Don’t worry. I’ll find a way to take care of it,” Da said, “Mr. Lord isn’t here yet.”  
We all heard the elevator me turning in that direction before someone tapped my shoulder making me jump a little, “Sorry,” Cole muttered beside me sheepishly, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  
“You didn’t,” I lied and then smiled at myself and how bad I was hiding my anxiety, “Just anxious is all.”

  
“About the whole thing?” He muttered quietly, “Trust me I get it. I understand. Just try to stay cool ok?”

  
“I’m trying,” I answered, “I just…”

  
“Hey at least Barry isn’t here,” he pointed out.

  
“No, he’s not.”

  
“Or your uncle,” Cole added.

  
“Right,” I sighed.

  
I wondered if he knew. If he knew about…Finn had said everyone knew. That meant Cole had to know, right? He had to know why I was nervous that it wasn’t just my Da that was making me nervous but his Dad and Mr. Lord. And Hank. Maybe a little less Hank than everyone else but still.

  
“And…oh,” Cole said causing me to turn and look at him his mouth slightly open, “ok. Yeah, I see it. Sorry.” He said before he clapped a hand over his mouth trying not to laugh.

  
I didn’t know what to say to that. Was he laughing at the fact that I was afraid of the leader? Of the guy who…that wasn’t funny. That was hurtful. I frowned.

  
“Oh no. It’s not you. Trust me that’s not what…” he said trying to stifle laughter Arthur clearing his throat making Cole freeze.

  
“…You like talked me up a lot Cole. Didn’t you?” Pat said me only hearing the last half of what he was saying as mum came out greeting Arthur and Hank.

  
“Oh, please Hank and Arthur,” Hank boomed shaking mum’s hand, “We’re your guest after all.”

  
Da tapped John on the shoulder and told John to show Cole and Pat upstairs to the room they would be staying in and mum shot me a look telling me to follow them and I nodded my head in response. “Ok,” John sighed, “Well guys my Da wants me to show you where you’ll be staying so… Will are you coming?” he asked me.

  
“Yeah. Sure,” I said as we all climbed the stairs.

  
Cole lost it as soon as we were out of ear shot of everyone, “John did you go stupid back there? Your mouth fell wide open when Pat told his Dad to back off you. I’m sorry Will I wasn’t laughing at you I swear. I just noticed the look on his face and…”

  
I relaxed a little. So, he hadn’t been laughing at me. Good. That made me feel a little better and to be perfectly honest John had looked slightly dopey staring at Patrick like he had been. I mean sure Patrick wasn’t bad looking but I didn’t think he was that special. I mean he was interesting to look at but I didn’t find him that attractive but then again, I knew his sister and her personality and some things about his Dad call me judgmental but if he was anything like them and he definitely had some of his sister’s attitude, it wasn’t anything to be impressed with.

  
“I…. I…,” John stuttered still staring at Pat like he was some type of unicorn his words seeming to get stuck somewhere between his mouth and his brain.

  
“We don’t talk that way to Da,” I answered, “We’d get out butts beat and other things.”

  
“Ah,” Patrick said nodding his head, “I used to be the same way but my dad’s a huge asshole no matter what I do, so whatever. Sorry about that by the way. The man needs a fucking cold shower and leash. It’s your hair.” Pat touched his own head looking at John and nodding.

  
“I’ve heard,” John managed quietly.

  
“You should see what Hank, I mean your Dad did to his neck,” I said gesturing with my head towards John who shot me a look causing me to frown.

  
I wasn’t the one being a tongue-tied idiot. I wasn’t the one falling over myself and not able to speak and he was giving me a dirty look. At least I wasn’t acting like some love-sick school boy. I mean my crush was right there too and you didn’t see me completely losing control of myself.

  
“Let me guess he bit you?” Patrick said looking at John still.

  
Patrick had hardly looked at me even when he was speaking to me or when I was speaking. I could see this being a problem and I shot Cole a look who just covered his mouth as he giggled silently at them nodding his head at me. That made me smile. It was funny. Watching them was funny. It was like one of those stupid teen romance movies where the two best friends were trying to deny their feelings for each other but you could totally see it in every scene. He was right it was entertaining to watch even if slightly annoying.

  
“I’m sure you have as much control over yours as we do ours, “John said his cheeks going slightly pink as he shrugged his shoulders his eyes lighting up as he seemed to relax a little. Seemed a little more comfortable in his skin, “Make up does wonders? Doesn’t it?”

  
“You mean cover up?” Pat asked turning his head sideways like he could see John’s bruises under the concealer making John touch the side of his neck, “Yeah for sure.”

  
“I can’t believe your dad lets you dress like that,” John mentioned as the lift door opened and we all stepped inside.

  
Pat let out a loud booming laugh shaking his head and smiling. I thought to myself that was a nice smile. Almost as nice as Cole’s which made me smile every time I glanced over to see him struggling to laugh silently. Usually he wasn’t this giggly.

  
“He doesn’t. He hates it but I burned all of my other street clothes like two months ago and I did the lip piercing on this horrible fucking dare from my friend Celia. At first Dad hated it but then he figured it was an easy way to grab me when he wants me to shut up so he lets me keep it.”

  
“My Da said you just got back. Where were you?” I asked Pat.

  
Cole’s grin grew wider if possible wiggling his eyes brows in a playful way, “Yeah Pat. Where were you?”

  
“Oh, shut up you fag!” Pat said laughing as he said it.

  
Pat looked over at me and answered, “I was tied up. You know like literally,” Pat sighed nervously before John replied with a simple “ouch” causing Patrick’s attention to shift back to him.

  
“Yeah. I was caught at a pharm party and my Da and the big Loser weren’t too happy but it would be very strange for a cop who is about to make detective to have his son randomly disappear so he sent me to “rehab”. I spent like a month at the Villa most of it in the back room or upstairs,” Pat answered stretching his arms his shirt riding up just enough to show that his pants were sitting low on his waist the band of his boxers visible before he put his arms back down at his sides causing me to notice his fingernails that were painted a dark blue. “At least the big loser let me stay faced out for most of it.”

  
“Faced out?” John asked confused.

  
“I was playing with my best friend Molly,” Pat muttered casually.

  
So that’s what this was. They were high? I understood the appeal but the thought had never occurred to me before. I mean I was 10 I wasn’t exactly the most popular kid and I was hanging out with kids at least a year older than me most of the time. If not two or three sometimes even four. So, I knew what drugs were. I knew people took them. I had seen Quinn and Julian swallow a pill or two once or twice at lunch and hadn’t really thought that much of it. But maybe. Maybe it was for more than just pain.  
I wondered why that had never occurred to me before that maybe they were taking them to get high. I knew they were oxy’s I just didn’t put two and two together because like I said, I was 10. It made sense to me that they could take them because sometimes afterwards you were sore. Sometimes you were sore for days and it hurt to sit down so it just made sense to take them sometimes. There were days were all I did was pop Motrin because I hurt that badly. Like the time Ben had beat my ass with a paddle until it was black and blue and then I had to go to school the next day. It had still hurt even with over the counter stuff so it only made sense to me that sometimes people got things a little stronger to deal with it. I had never thought of it as a tool to numb the emotional pain though.

  
“What?” John asked.

  
“Oh, geese your Dad really does keep you sheltered, doesn’t he?” Cole half-laughed at John and I, “He means his favorite “best” friend abcd EEE,” Cole sang.

  
“You mean MDMA, right?” I asked.

  
“Wow, look at you kid. You got one up on your brother here,” Pat said smiling at me impressed, “Yeah. That’s Molly for you. Man, does she make you roll. Didn’t help with the rehab though.”

  
“He had some nose candy while he was at my house. Can’t you tell? He’s not usually this talkative,” Cole said.

  
“Oh, you totally did some blow too don’t lie,” Patrick said.

  
“Yeah but, I hide it well,” Cole shot back.

  
I smiled trying to hide it behind my hand. I was thinking, no Cole. No, you really don’t but I didn’t want to say it instead deciding to clear my throat and smiled at him before I asked, “Why all the drugs?”

  
“Well my young friend,” Cole said putting his hand on my shoulder, “After you spent so much of your time butt ass naked getting fucked up the ass you learn there are about three different ways to cope with it. One, kill yourself. Two, become like them or our favorite. Number three, you pick your vice and you go with it. I know guys that drop H-bombs two times a day to keep going so they don’t fucking kill themselves.”

  
Pat laughed at that nodding his head in agreement. I thought about how sad that was. But what was an H-bomb. Obviously, a drug but I had never heard the expression before.

  
“H-bombs?” I asked.

  
“Molly and her friend smack,” Cole said close to my ear moving the air next to me making the hairs on the back of my neck prickle.

  
It didn’t feel like it did when Da or someone else did it. It didn’t feel cold but more, warm. More relaxed and nice and less scary. Less tense. I closed my eyes letting the shiver travel over my skin for a second. Relishing in it. Just for a second. Hoping none of them would notice.

  
“Yeah. I won’t touch that shit; H will make you gone really fast. At least Molly is smooth and sweet,” Patrick said making it sound like a person, “She takes her time seducing you. H now, H is bad. Rough and it will fuck your shit up which is already a problem I think we can all agree we already have so why add to that?” Pat winked at John playfully, “How do you two deal?”

  
I was caught off guard by the question. How did I deal? I didn’t really. I buried it and hoped it went away. I found ways to distract myself. Things to do until I didn’t have to think about it anymore I kept myself busy I…, “I read,” I answered simply because it was true enough.

  
“That’s strange,” Cole said smiling wide his eyes sparkling. God damn those eyes, “It’s awesome and probably really fucking healthy but strange,” he said shaking his head.

  
“What about you?” Pat asked John looking at him intently.

  
“Oh, he’s more of a drownder,” Cole said.

  
“Drownder?” John asked.

  
“Your best friends are Jack and Daniel,” Cole answered winking at me.

  
“Yeah, that’s me,” John admitted as the lift stopped the 3rd floor and we all got off starting down the hallway.

  
“That shit is tough on your system. You know that, right?” Pat asked looking at John.

  
“Worse than…what did you call it? Molly?” he questioned.

  
“Yeah Molly. See, Molly makes you feel a little sick to your stomach but after she’s out of your system you are fine to do whatever but alcohol. Alcohol that shit is hard core. If you get used to drinking it every day after a while if you stop you go nuts. It’s not good. I mean people leave Narcs anonymous but they never leave alcoholics anonymous. You’re always recovering from that break up and never recovered,” Pat said a slight smile playing in his face probably because of how intensely John was staring at him, “Withdrawal from alcohol can kill you.”

  
“No kidding?” John asked his eyebrows raising a little bit.

  
“Dead serious my man,” Pat said stopping in front of the door I was standing in front of.

  
“I thought I was your man,” Cole scoffed causing all three of us to look at him.

  
“I wish” I thought in my head as Cole’s body shook with laughter.

  
“You wish!” Pat said draping himself across John’s shoulder before John flinched causing Pat to jump back startled a look of concern on his face.

  
“Sorry! You ok? I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said.

  
“Hank bit him. Remember?” I pointed out.

  
“Fuck!” Pat exclaimed, “Of course he did. I’m sorry. Did he draw blood?”

  
Pat’s eyes went soft as he looked at John them standing close together. Nearly touching noses. Now that was…that was a crush. A mutual crush and not what I had with Cole which was more unrequited puppy love. But a real crush I wasn’t sure they were aware of. John backed up a couple steps his cheeks flushing a light pink. His eyes never leaving Pat’s gaze.

  
“Huh,” John said before breathing out it seeming like his brain had stopped working for a minute causing me to roll my eyes. Oh god this was going to be a handful, “Yeah, in a couple of places.”

  
“See? And that’s why I do Molly. Once she has you rolling you don’t care,” Pat said biting his lower lip making his lip ring move up and down with his eyebrows playfully John still giving him puppy eyes, “Sorry about that. I don’t know why he bites. I think he has a thing for pain.”

  
John smiled back awkwardly for a second before he laughed lightly, “You don’t say? He fucking strung me from the ceiling and whipped me while they…”

  
John trailed off. Ouch. That was what I thought. He hadn’t really told me that much about it.

  
“Whipped and stripped sucked and fucked!” Cole and Pat crowed together breaking out into laughter.

  
John’s eyes got sad taking another step or two back from Pat before he nodded his head after a delay of a couple of second muttering a quiet, “yeah.”

  
“Sorry,” Cole said trying to get his laughing under control watching noticing John’s face, “We’re fucking gone man. We’re not smiling because we think it’s funny we’re just that fucking high.”

  
Cole smiled at him wiggling his eyebrows up and down causing John to smile sadly before he nodded his head in understanding.

  
“No, I know the feeling,” John said, “I get it. You’re all right. My Da wouldn’t let me get pissed before it happened.” John said to his socks.

  
I felt my stomach catch. He was so sad. So, broken and ashamed about it. It almost made me angry enough to throw something. If anyone should be ashamed it should have been Da. It should have been da for letting those fucking creeps do that to him. Whip him raw and hang him front the ceiling to do it. Our Da was seriously sick. The fact that he would let someone do that to John who had done nothing to deserve it made me beyond angry and here he was. Da was about to pimp him out to the same two people again and probably me too.

  
“FUCK NO!” Pat said anger showing in his face, the same anger I was feeling, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  
“No,” John muttered closing his eyes still looking at his feet, “I wish I was.”

  
“Dude,” Patrick said, “We’ll make up for that. Cole do you have any on you?” Pat looked at Cole expectantly.

  
So, they were going to get my brother plastered. They were going to give him something they just admitted could kill him because Da hadn’t given it to him probably the one time he had really needed it. I felt like being high was not a good thing. I was pretty sure Cole was not that stupid in a general sense and was pretty sure it was the drugs talking. The smack or crack of coke or whatever it was they were on.

  
“Hell yes,” Cole said, “John you should take a bump. It will so help and you’ll have a shit ton of energy. Trust me.”

  
Was he fucking kidding? Did he just offer my brother drugs? Fucking drugs? Jesus fuck what the fuck? Yeah no this was beyond stupid.

  
“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” John replied to my relief.

  
“You’re one of those?” Patrick asked him nodding his head.

  
“What do you mean one of those?” John asked frowning at him.

  
“No,” Pat put his hands up in a surrendering gesture, “Not like a bad thing. You just know what you like and you stick to it and don’t really want to try anything new,” he tried to recover, “And dude this is great and all but I really have to piss so what one of these rooms are we using?”

  
That was a fair question we had been standing in the hall for a long time. It made me wonder why we had been talking in the hall for that long to begin with as he pointed it out and I walked over to the door, “Yeah sorry. This one I think,” I said before I opened it.

  
The room was huge. It was the room that I had once had as a young child. The room where I had the train riding through the country side. It no longer looked like that. Having grown in size the color now instead of being a navy blue dotted with yellow and white showing the scene I remember just being a powder blue instead. The other half had been a different room the nursery that had been next door that had been painted a sunny yellow.

  
The one wall was all glass floor length windows overlooking the backyard. It looked really different. It felt different. Reminding me of how much had changed. How much I had changed and John. How Da had changed. It made me feel sad. Miss that room that midnight train. That train that I had always imagined myself riding away from all of my problems. Taking it someplace that was far away from those nights when he climbed into bed with me.

  
Pat whistled loudly, “Damn.”

  
“This room looks really different from what I remember,” I muttered and looked at John who was scoping the room his eyes huge as he nodded his head at what I had said agreeing with me.

  
“Have you ever been in this room?” Cole asked us both shooting John and I a look of confusion.

  
“Not since it was remodeled,” John answered, “We were in London at boarding school for a couple of years.”

  
“And you haven’t spent any time in this room since?” he asked frowning at John.

  
“Well no. we live upstairs,” John said giving Cole a confused look before it dawned on him how odd that might be for someone that wasn’t us.

  
“You live upstairs?” Patrick asked scowling.

  
“Well our Da is…well,” John sighed his face turning red, “So mum had him add our own floor to keep us away from him as much as she can. We have a kitchen and two living rooms upstairs. There are four bathrooms and six bedrooms so we’re like never down here. On the third floor, I mean. I mean Da’s office is across the hall from here but, yeah.”

  
“So, you have a floor in your house you don’t even use?” Cole asked his whole face lighting up as he laughed, “Well shit. Hey Pat, don’t you need too…?” he trailed off frowning at Pat.

  
“Fuck yeah,” Pat said grabbing his suit case and setting it on the bed before opening it up and grabbing a can of shave cream and razor, “I need to shave.” He said darting into the bathroom.

  
“He doesn’t look hairy,” I said turning to watch him go into the bathroom.

  
Cole started laughing so hard he fell over on to the bed holding his stomach. I didn’t know what I had said that was so funny it was killing him but he seemed thrilled with whatever joke I had made the idea that I had made him laugh that hard making me feel warm inside causing me to smile lightly at the sight.

  
“Dude,” Cole managed after a minute or two between breaths, “He has to shave his balls.” He said before he started cracking up again.

  
“Fuck Cole!” Pat exclaimed from the bathroom, “I don’t tell people when you have to shave your balls do I?”

  
Oh. So that’s why it was funny. I mean I wasn’t stupid I knew people had hair there I mean how many dicks had I seen in my life? More than was probably appropriate for my age and most of them did have a decent amount of hair that went with them. I felt myself blush lightly in embarrassment for Pat. So that’s what Da had meant when he told John to shave if he had to. Did that mean… nope. No, I wasn’t thinking about that. That was just gross. He hadn’t had any hair there last time I had gotten a peak at it. Oh god. I felt my face turning beet red as I stepped back hoping no one noticed.

  
I was not thinking about balls. I was not thinking about hairy balls. I kept repeating that over and over in my head until the thoughts shut off until I felt the heat leaving my face.

  
“Well no,” Cole smiled in the direction of the bathroom him catching my eye and winking causing my face to heat up again. Did he know? Fuck. He knew I was thinking about balls. Did he have hair there? Oh, fuck me. I thought covering my face with my hands and heard Cole laugh lightly, “But I don’t have nearly as much hair as you do.” Cole added.

  
Oh, so he didn’t have hair there? Oh, fuck me. Fuck fuck fuck. No. Why me? Why was this my life? I sighed closing my eyes and trying to focus on something else. Anything besides how much or how little hair Cole had in certain places. It was then that I was hit with a thought that knocked any embarrassment out of me and filled me with a cold over powering dread. Was he here yet? Mr. Lord was he here alone with our little brothers our younger brothers?

  
“Yeah because you wax. You’re such a fag,” I heard Pat mutter.

  
“Excuse you!” Cole exclaimed, “I’m fabulously gay!”

  
He laid back down on the bed chuckling at his joke.

  
“Huh,” You guys are way too much,” I said my heart pounding against my rib cage thinking about them down there alone without John and I to protect them. With just them and no one to keep them safe.

  
I knew mum was with them but, how much could mum really do? I had seen Da hit mum. I still remembered her screaming and crying when I was little and he used to hurt John how much they would fight. How she would lock herself away probably because she felt like she couldn’t do anything to stop him. If she couldn’t stop him back then what chance did she have now?

  
“I’m going to go. I’ll see you all later,” I said shaking my head trying to shake the chills out of my body as the thought raced through my head before I left shutting the door behind me.

  
I walked to the lift and pushed the button my heart stopping when it opened. All four of them were standing there Da and the leader and Arthur smiling at me like that when they saw me. At least they weren’t with Mike and Matt and James I thought. At least they were here. I felt my throat tighten as I realized I was alone. That it was just me and them even if only for a couple of minutes.

  
“Hi Honey,” Da said smiling at me, “Sir, I think we’re going to go get the boys see if they are ready would you like to…?”

  
“I’ll say hi to William, yes if that’s all right with you,” Mr. Lord said his eyes never leaving me as I stared frozen at him.

  
Shit. No, please no. Don’t do this Da don’t let him do this.

  
“Hey, it’s ok little one,” Mr. Lord said wrapping his arms around me as Da and the other two brushed past us, “It’s ok my little one.”

  
My whole body started shaking. He was really going to do this. And Da knew. Da knew he was going to do this.

  
“It’s ok,” Mr. Lord cooed into the crown of my head.

  
I didn’t want him touching me. Even if it was a hug me feeling him against my skin even though we both had clothes on. I didn’t want to remember that. I didn’t want to remember any of that. I wanted to scream to push him away but all that escaped when I tried to speak was a small high-pitched whimper.

  
“I won’t hurt you. I don’t like hurting. Especially not any of my special little ones ok?” He said into my hair, “Let me see you.”

  
He pushed me back titling my chin upward with his thumb and index finger.

  
“Simply stunning,” he muttered looking into my eyes, “See? I won’t hurt you. I’m not here for you tonight but maybe we can have a lesson a little later? Maybe your Dad will let you have a slumber party with me? How does that sound?”

  
He smiled at me, his lips turning upwards at the sides a closed mouth smile before he kissed my lips gently letting go of my chin and backing away turning and getting onto the lift. I felt frozen there. I wanted to scream to throw something. I felt so fucking stupid that I couldn’t move. That I couldn’t do anything. I was so angry blaming myself for freezing up for letting him hug me. Touch me. I covered my mouth with my hand thankful that no one else was around. That one else had heard what he said to me or seen what had happened.

  
They would probably all be disgusted with me. Cole throwing up in his mouth thinking of the fact that I just let him touch me. That I stood there frozen and had let him kiss me. When I finally felt like I could move I opened up the nearest door. Another guest room with yellow walls and a balcony the curtains open to the backyard the sun setting behind a bunch of trees in the distance. This half was the other half the nursery. This room being smaller than the other one. The nursery where Matt and Mike had slept. I shut the door quietly and managed to sit down on the bed to calm down grabbing a pillow and hugging it to my chest. I felt stupid.

  
Stupid because an old man or what I thought was an old man at the time him being in his late 50’s to early 60’s scared me so much I couldn’t move. Just like my Da did. Just like Ben did and Barry. I felt stupid because I could never find the ability to tell them no. To stop that I didn’t want them. That I didn’t like it the only times I had managed to protest, really make a clear protest to their treatment ending with me hurt somehow. Ending with something really bad happening to me.

  
I don’t know how long I stayed there hugging that pillow to my chest wishing I was somewhere else but I remember vaguely being aware of a sound probably Da and Hank and Arthur making my brother and two new friends move down the hallway and taking the lift down. The lift roaring to life like it always did and me still not moving. Still not finding it in me to move until I heard it roar back to life again someone opening the door behind me making me jump.

  
“There you honey,” Da said, “Are you ok?”

  
I nodded my head numbly. Was he going to…

  
“How about you go upstairs ok? I need you to help Mike and Matt with the kids. Mum is going to bed early and I need you to kind of keep an eye on things all right?” Da asked me.

  
“Where is mum?” I asked him.

  
“Downstairs napping why?” he asked me.

  
“Where is Matt?” I asked standing up.

  
“Upstairs with the kids like he’s supposed to be,” Da answered.

  
I moved to push past him. He grabbed me by the shoulders.

  
“Da I need to go upstairs now, “I said trying to push past him.

  
“Well honey I’m glad you’re so eager to help but could you tell me why you seem so scared?” He questioned.

  
“Da. Seriously I need to go upstairs now,” I told him.

  
“Will,” he said putting pressure down on my shoulders hurting me, “What wrong? Tell me. Now.” He warned.

  
“Like last week I don’t know where mum and John and I were but I went upstairs and I heard a lot of screaming. Matt was on top of Andy. He had him pinned down like…” I faltered.

  
How did I tell my Da my little brother was acting like he was going to rape our even younger brother? That I was positive he was going to hurt him if he was ever left alone with him. I needed to go upstairs.

  
“Da please I need to be up there!” I begged him.

  
“Like what?” He asked me.

  
“Like Ben pins me down,” I managed before a sob broke, “Daddy please. Please let me go up there he can’t. He can’t he’s only little please Daddy,” I begged.

  
“Oh honey. He’s not going to hurt him,” Da said smiling, “he’s just showing him how much he loves him.”

  
“No…” I said before I realized it slamming my hand over my mouth. Fuck I was in huge trouble. His eyes flashed at me.

  
“I don’t have time for this bullshit. I’ll take care of it later, go upstairs,” he said pointing at the lift, “Go on!”

  
I waited for the lift door to open and took it upstairs punching my code in. When I got up there there was pizza sitting on the counter and everyone was eating besides Matt who was tearing a piece of pizza up into smaller pieces with his fingers.

  
Both Mary and Seamus were dead asleep in their highchairs plates of pizza torn up in front of them on their trays.

  
“Thank you for trying to be helpful guys but, Mary and Seamus are a little too young to eat pizza you realize, that right?” I asked them.

  
“See I told you,” Mike said.

  
“Well, I don’t pay attention to what they eat. Da just told me to make sure they got fed too,” Matt told me, “What do they eat?”

  
“Formula,” I answered, “Where is Karen?”

  
“She left. She brought up the pizza and then Da came up and told us we had to watch everyone and then he asked where you were. We told him we didn’t know and now you’re here so…,” Mike shrugged his shoulders.

  
I looked at the room doing a head count in my head. Mike and Cat were sitting at the table in regular chairs both chewing normal slices while Andy and Laura were in their booster seats chewing the torn-up pieces one at a time because they were still little. Mac was eating torn up slices in his highchair and while Matt tore up another plate of food his own slice beside him. That’s when I noticed.

  
“Matt where is Jay?” I asked scared of the answer.

  
“Da said he was going to take James downstairs to play with John,” he answered me.

  
“What?” I asked again not sure I heard him right.

  
“He said he was going to take James downstairs to play but that it was ok because John was going to go too,” Matt repeated, “Why?”

  
“Is everything ok Will?” Mike asked me as he put his pizza down both him and Cat looking at me worried.

  
“Yeah guys,” I answered nodding my head trying to hide the panic I was feeling, “Yeah everything is fine. We’re going to eat and then watch a movie and then bedtime ok? Da told you mum went to sleep early because she’s super tired, right?”

  
“Yeah, he said that’s why Karen gave us pizza,” Matt said.

  
“I’m ok with it,” Catherine added, “I like pizza.”

  
“I know you do firefly,” I said before I sat down and instead of grabbing a new slice just started picking at the pieces laid out in front of Seamus who was still dead asleep figuring that shortly I’d put a bottle together and then feed him and Mary.

  
“Are you sure everything is ok?” Mike asked me again.

  
“Yeah. Everything is fine. Why do you keep asking me that?” I asked.

  
“He’s asking because when Da takes him to play somewhere he touches his penis,” Matt said.

  
“He touches his penis?” Cat asked frowning and then looking at the table top like you could see Mike’s penis.

  
“Don’t look at it!” Mike said.

  
“Mike she’s looking at the table,” I sighed.

  
“I told him that Da wouldn’t do that with his friends here because that’s special private time,” Matt said.

  
“She’s looking at it with her mind,” he said through clenched teeth his hands in his lap probably cupping himself through his pants.

  
“She can’t see it through the table and your clothes which I’m assuming you are wearing. Correct?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he said.

  
“Then just eat your food,” I told him.

  
“Why would Da want to touch his penis?” Cat asked.

  
“Matt? Why did you have to say anything? Why?” I asked him.

  
“Sorry, I wasn’t really thinking about it,” Matt answered shrugging his shoulders.

  
“I really wish you would have. Because I would have liked to eat my dinner without talking about genitalia,” I said.

  
“You want me to answer for you?” Matt asked me.

  
“No. I’ve got it,” I said glaring at him before I forced a smile at Cat, “Well Cat you know how at school they talk about how boys and girls have different parts and that there are ok touches and not ok touches?”

  
“Yeah,” She said.

  
“Da has a thing where he…no one really taught Da that,” I explained, “So he puts his hands there sometimes.”

  
She frowned like she was thinking about it and then her face went pale, “oh,” she said quietly.

  
“Any questions,” I asked her.

  
“I thought that only counted for vaginas,” she told me.

  
“It counts for both,” I answered.

  
“Does Da touch your vagina?” She asked me.

  
“Boys don’t have vaginas Cat,” Matt told her, “We have penises.”

  
“You don’t have a penis and a vagina?” She asked.

  
“No, we only have a penis,” I said trying to keep it simple for her.

  
“And testicales,” Matt muttered.

  
“Matt, for the sake of this conversation. You have a penis, I have a penis, Even Seamus has a penis but we do not currently have testicales metaphorically speaking. Ok?” I tried to explain.

  
Matt frowned feeling his crotch, “I’m pretty sure they’re still there.”

  
“What are testicales?” She asked me.

  
“Can I show her?” Matt asked me smiling.

  
“No! NO, you cannot show her,” I sighed.

  
“Ok Cat,” I sighed going over to her and grabbing her hand before I lead her into the living room, “Can you tell me what you do know?”

  
“Boys and girls have different parts between their legs,” She told me, “But girls have a vagina. The hole where the baby comes out when they become mummy’s. And boys they have a dangly thing and then an inside out hole and then a butt.”

  
“Inside out hole?” I asked her.

  
“Sally said that it looks like a purse because it’s their hole only it’s inside out and that the dangly thing is a snake that protects the hole.” She informed me.

  
“Ok well, Sally is a little misinformed,” I said trying not to laugh, “Ok boys the dangly thing is called a penis we pee out of it. The inside out hole is actually more like a bag and we have two round things in there called testacies but anyway and yes we all have butts at least you know what that is.”

  
“No inside out vagina?” She asked me frowning in confusion.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Can I tell you something Will?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

  
“You promise you won’t get mad?” She asked me.

  
“Yes, I promise,” I said suddenly very afraid of what she was going to tell me.

  
“Da said when someone touches your vagina it’s supposed to tickle is that true?” she asked me quietly.

  
“Well. I don’t have a vagina but, I suppose it would why?” I asked her.

  
“Da said he wanted to tickle me and so he did but then he went to go tickle me down there and I told him he couldn’t because in school they said people aren’t supposed to touch you down there but he said it was ok because he’s Da and he loves me,” she told me, “He didn’t do it but he told me that he’s allowed to. Is that true?”

  
I sighed with relief. So, he hadn’t molested her but he had talked to her about it. Was he planning on molesting her? Was that something I needed to worry about too? Not just my brothers but all of my siblings? At least he hadn’t done it yet.

  
“Honestly? You can’t tell Da I told you because he’d get mad at me but no. He’s not supposed to touch you there. No one is supposed to touch you there but the doctor and mummy if you need help cleaning it like in the bathtub. Ok?” I asked her quietly.

  
“What if he did? Would I be in trouble for letting him?” She asked me.

  
“No. Da would be in trouble,” I answered her.

  
“And someone would come take him away?” She asked me.

  
“If they found out? Maybe. They might take us away though,” I told her.

  
“Together?” She asked me.

  
“Probably not,” I answered, “Why?”

  
“I don’t want to be without everyone,” She said quietly.

  
My heart fells. So, he had then. I sighed closing my eyes for a second.

  
“Are you ok? I’m sorry!” she said before she started crying like the five-year-old she was. Her brain not understanding she had done nothing wrong.

  
That made me angry the fact that she thought me being upset was her fault. That if she got taken away from us it would be her fault. That if something happened to our family she would blame herself when she was the very last person at fault for anything that was going on.

  
“Oh Firefly. Come here sweetie,” I said opening my arms as she crawled into my lap, “You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re a good girl ok? You’re a good, nice smart girl. You didn’t do anything wrong. I promise. Ok?”

  
“But…if I say ….” I cut her off.

  
“It doesn’t matter what you say. It’s got nothing to do with what you say it has to do with what Da did. Da knows people aren’t supposed to do that. That people, good people don’t do that to their kids. That good people don’t do that to people our ages.”

  
“Our ages?” She asked me.

  
I nodded my head.

  
“Da touches your…?” she asked frowning.

  
I just nodded my head, “And he’s done it to John. And to Mike and Matt and James.” I told her.

  
“Everyone?” She asked quietly.

  
“Yeah,” I said.

  
“He told me he did it to John but that John was good and didn’t cry and that I shouldn’t cry because it only tickles. But it doesn’t tickle it hurts. It hurts a lot sometimes,” she told me.

  
“Yeah it does,” I agreed.

  
It occurred to me that maybe he had raped her. But if he had wouldn’t one of us have noticed? Because a girl always bled her first time. Like I said I had read a book on heterosexual sex and reproductive health and it said that when a girl’s hymn broke she bled. That the hymn stayed intact until she was penetrated. So, wouldn’t we have noticed mum or John or I if he had? I wanted to ask her but was afraid she had already been traumatized enough, scared enough by talking about it.

  
“It hurts you too?” She asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered.

  
“Even though you don’t have a vagina?” She asked me.

  
“Well yeah,” I answered, “I do have another hole remember everyone has a butt?”

  
Her eyes went wide in horror as she froze in my arms her eyes and mouth wide staring at me, “You mean he sticks his finger in your butt?”

  
“Ok,” I sighed.

  
This was not a conversation I was ever planning to have with my five-year-old sister at any point at any age. I didn’t know exactly what I was supposed to say or do, “How about we write down any questions you have and when our guest leave you and I can ask mum about them together? How does that sound?” I asked her.

  
“I can ask mummy on my own but how would she know?” She asked me.

  
“Well, just because mummy is a woman doesn’t mean she wouldn’t know. Mummy is older than we are and she gave birth to all of us. Do you know how that part works?” I asked her.

  
“Babies you mean?” She asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“Yeah, the mummy eats the baby making pill and then the baby grows in her tummy and it pops out her vagina,” She informed me.

  
So, she didn’t know anything. She knew zero about sex or reproduction other than she now understood that boys had a penis and testacies and girls had a vagina while both sexes had butts. Ok so I was literally at the starting line and had no idea how to correctly explain this or if I was even allowed to explain it to my five-year-old sister.

  
“Ok well I’ll let mummy know that you have some questions that need to be answered and the three of us will sit down. Like I said after our guest leave in a couple of days and the three of us will have a talk about it ok?” I asked her.

  
“And your sure mummy is going to know the answers?” She asked me.

  
“Yes, mum will know the answers. I promise,” I swore.

  
“Ok. We’ll wait and ask her then,” she agreed.

  
“Good, can we finish eating now?” I asked her.

  
“Yeah,” she told me.

  
The rest of the evening wasn’t really eventful from that point on other than me being driven up the wall wondering what Da was doing to James what Da was letting people do to my baby brother. One of the people John and I were supposed to protect. I changed diapers, bottle fed babies and then ended up falling asleep on the couch. I felt a hand on my face and opened my eyes expecting it to be mum telling me to go to bed but it was Da.

  
I nearly jumped up and head butted him in the face because I was not expecting that but I also had forgotten I had fallen asleep on the sofa. He looked at me and sighed, “Come on honey.”

  
He grabbed my arm and pulled me up me still too tired to really understand what was happening yawning heavily as he pulled me to my feet, “Da what’s going on?”

  
“Not much. Just come with me,” he said.

  
He opened the pantry door to the stair way. I was confused. I didn’t know what was going on or what time it was. I didn’t know where we were going. I just knew it was my fault because I had said no. I had told him no. It didn’t matter the context if I didn’t warn him what the context was. You never said no to Da. Not ever.

  
“Da I wasn’t saying it to you I swear. I was saying it to let you know you didn’t understand,” I told him.

  
“So, you think I’m stupid now? You don’t tell me what I do and do not understand William. This isn’t about that anyway Lionel wants to see you and everyone else is tired out so he asked if he could and I said yes,” he informed me making sure I kept walking down the stairs to the kitchen coming out on the other side of the pantry.

  
“Sir,” Da said to him as he saw him, “I thought you were going to wait in the room.

  
“He’s so sweet though. I got excited I’m sure you can understand why?” The leader said taking both my hands in his and looking at me, “Hi little one. We meet again.”

  
I knew I recognized his name but I had never called him Lionel before so it took a minute to sink in. He couldn’t be serious he was just making me. He wasn’t going to …he didn’t care he was just making me?

  
I looked at him, “Daddy…?”

  
“Don’t question me. Lionel is very nice to you we already talked about it. You’re going to spend the night with him. Have a sleep over,” Da told me.

  
“We’ll have fun,” Lionel said nodding his head at me trying to draw my eyes back to him.

  
No, I didn’t want him doing that. I didn’t want him touching me like that. I wasn’t ok with that.

  
“How about Daddy comes with us huh?” Lionel asked me.

  
I didn’t know how to answer that. If that was better or worse. I knew Da wouldn’t protect me. He was the one who had told the leader that it was ok. That I’d…that he could have sex with me.

  
Da smiled at him, “If you want sir.”

  
“Yes. I think we’d like that. Wouldn’t you like that little one? Daddy can help us have some fun. What do you think?” The leader asked looking at me.

  
No, nope. I didn’t want to do this at all. Of course, I didn’t want my Da there.

  
“He’s shaking,” Lionel pointed out to my Da, “It’s ok little one. Nothing to be scared of.”

  
“Da…,” I said looking at him.

  
“Honey it’s ok,” Da nodding his head encouragingly, “Why don’t we all go downstairs?”

  
“Oh yeah,” Lionel said nodding his head at me. He turned letting go of my hands and Da forced me forward. He made me walk downstairs all the way to the room at the end of the hall opening the door. There wasn’t anyone in there it was just him Da and I.

  
“Sir?” Da asked.

  
“Oh, I’ll get it,” Lionel turned back to me his hands on both sides of my neck before he kissed me. He caught me off guard his tongue sliding into my mouth.

  
It felt slimy and tasted weird. I still don’t know how to describe what it tasted like but it was something old that smelled funny. Maybe a type of cheese. The whole thing making me that much more nervous me grabbing his wrists as he held both sides of my face. I didn’t want to kiss him. I didn’t want to do anything with him.

  
He moved his hands from my face and pulled my shirt over my head breaking our kiss for a second before I heard Da mumbled something coming up behind me, his hands going to my waist. They were undressing me. Lionel’s kisses moved to my neck his hands getting greedy pinching and pulling at my skin.

  
“So, smooth, so soft,” he muttered moving us both over to the bed.

  
“He’s a sweet heart, aren’t you honey?” Da asked looking at me as Lionel buried his face in my neck kissing me as he pulled my underwear down laying on top of me.

  
I froze. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to do this.

  
“Da please…,” I begged.

  
“Don’t embarrass me,” he said shaking his head as he undid his robe and the leader gestured at him Da reaching forwards as the leader leaned up so he could undo his robe too taking it off so all three of us were naked. The leader smiling down at me underneath him.

  
“I enjoy him,” the leader said quietly looking at me, looking into my eyes, “Connor want to help me with that thing we discussed. You said it kind of worked in your office? I was wondering if you could kind of hold him while I…,”

  
“Oh yeah sure,” Da said as Lionel moved eagerly lowering himself into the empty square at the foot of the bed Da coming over to me.

  
“Come here honey. Now I need you to sit on your knees spread your legs just a little bit,” Da said.

  
I wasn’t sure what was going on but he moved me just a little bit forcing my legs apart when I felt the leader’s hands near my butt hole making me jump. I wasn’t ok with this. I didn’t want to do this. I tried to move away to close my legs.

  
“No, no honey, here lean forward and just hold onto me,” he said taking my hands and wrapping them around his neck and shoulders forcing me to bend forward lightly at the waist giving me the choice to either cling to him or fall over, fall forward.  
That’s when I felt his tongue.

  
“DA PLEASE!” I begged.

  
“It’s ok honey. Just relax it’ll feel good,” Da told me.

  
He spread my cheeks his face directly under me. He put his tongue inside me. As deep inside me as he could get it. Making my face heat up and my breath hitch. It felt weird. Like the pressure that was usually there but slimier. Tickling. It made it hard to breathe. I didn’t like the way it felt but my body…

  
My body was overrun with tingles my nervous system over stimulated causing me to squeeze my Da harder. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to feel that. It didn’t feel right and it wasn’t ok. My whole body was shaking. Him doing something with his tongue making me whimper.

  
“Yeah honey?” Da said excitedly holding my upper back tighter, “it’s ok. I know it feels good it’s ok.”

  
I didn’t know how to explain how bad it felt. He much I didn’t want them touching me. No in away with any words I was allowed to use if I could find my ability to speak. The leaders mouth broke contact with me.

  
“Why don’t you join?” He asked Da his finger replacing his tongue making me whimper again.

  
“What you mean suck his prick?” Da asked.

  
The leader must have nodded or something because then he sighed but smiled at the same time, “Balls and all?”

  
“If you want,” The leader said.

  
I didn’t understand what they were talking about, what was going on until Da leaned forward wrapping his lips around me as the leader put his tongue back inside me. No, that…no, no, no. I couldn’t do anything but feel their tongues on me my whole body shaking. I slammed my hand over my mouth. I didn’t like the way it felt. Like I said my body did though. There was too much sensation that pressure building in my pelvis letting me know that I was going to come. That I was going to orgasm and I didn’t want to.

  
I kept whimpering. I remember even through my hand not being able to stop myself from whimpering. Everything kept feeling tighter and tighter. I didn’t know why at that point they didn’t just rape me. Raping me would have been better. I felt so out of control so lost and scared and they just kept going, their tongues and mouths all over at the same time. The feeling got so intense it started to burn and then I had to push out. To push to let the pressure go my whole body contracting.

  
When it stopped they, both pulled away gently lowering me to bed so I was laying down. My whole body felt like rubber. Having both of them touching at once had been too much my whole being feeling just like numb. I kept my eyes closed trying to breathe, trying to calm down so that I didn’t scream.

  
“You can go now Connor, thank you,” Mr. Lord said to Da.

  
“Any time sir,” he said leaving.

  
“You’re beautiful little one,” he said climbing on top of me spreading my legs and lifting them up with the back of my knees as he grabbed a small square package and tore it open with his teeth. So now he was raping me. I didn’t understand that point of that. The point of making me orgasm and then raping me but when he went in it didn’t burn. Him sliding all the way at once making me whole body jerk in confusion the feeling of being empty to completely full making me feel uncomfortable as I tried to tense, to contract my muscles finding it impossible to do so. Or it feeling like it was impossible.

  
“Yeah?” he asked me, “It’s ok little one. Let me love you ok?”

  
My throat felt tight. Like I couldn’t breathe. Like he was choking me. Like everything they had done and everything he was doing was killing me. I wanted to tell him to stop. That I didn’t want it. That I didn’t want to.

  
“It’s ok, it’s ok,” he cooed putting his forehead to mine before he started to move inside me hitting up against my spot that spot.

  
It felt too concentrated. Too focused each thrust hitting that spot. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good.

  
“Yeah? You might be quiet little one but when I…when I hit it your eyes go so wide,” he muttered kissing my chin and neck for a second before pulling back and sitting up a little bit him still inside of me.

  
He started muttering and moaning above me bucking into me. Using my body to get off hammering against that spot nudging my body closer and closer to another orgasm. When it finally hit I felt like something was exploding inside my head as the pressure released almost like my whole body popped. Him rolling over and pulling me on top of him before reaching over to the side table and turning off the light.

  
It wasn’t long before he told me to leave. Just said, “That’s it little one you can go play with your friends now.”

  
Just like I was any other kid. Like he hadn’t just shoved his tongue and dick inside of me. Like he hadn’t raped me. I went into the laundry room down the hall from the kitchen and found some clothes. My whole body tired. I went out into the living room to find the four of them there kind of snoozing on the couch already dressed the TV on. Jay cuddled into John’s lap half dead Pat and Cole glancing at him every couple of minutes of worriedly.

  
“Where did you come from?” John asked squinting at me.

  
“Nowhere,” I answered sitting down.

  
“I’m thirsty,” Cole muttered, “Anyone want to come with me?”

  
“Nah,” Pat said and John shook his head.

  
“Will?” Cole asked.

  
“Sure,” I said standing and going back to the kitchen.

  
“You ok?” he asked once we were in the kitchen.

  
“Yeah, I’m fi….” He cut me off.

  
“You’re not fine I see it in your face. What happened? They come pull you down for desert? You came in through the kitchen so I’m only guessing here but you smell like ass and your hair is a mess so…,” Cole shrugged his shoulders.

  
“I need a haircut,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Don’t do this to yourself Will. Don’t shut down it makes everything that much harder when you finally can’t take it anymore. You know what happened to Pat? Pat used to be like that still is to a point but he just never talked about it. He let it build and build and build until I found him in the shower with a gun his mouth. His Dad’s police issued gun. He has more but that’s one he uses the most so. Don’t do that to yourself. Talk about it. Just like I told John last night you talk about it. You get it out.”

  
“So, what if they did?” I hissed checking the room to see if anyone else was there.

  
“I’m sorry,” Cole said.

  
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t…,” I trailed off.

  
“That doesn’t mean I can’t be sorry. It doesn’t feel very good. Especially for guys like us. It’s confusing,” Cole said.

  
“Like us?” I asked.

  
“Gay,” he answered simply.

  
“I’m not…,” he cut off my words again.

  
“There’s nothing wrong with it. Ok? Not a damn thing. Don’t let them make you feel guilty about it. I know it’s confusing and that’s ok but, don’t let them make you hate yourself for it,” he told me.

  
“How did you know?” I asked him.

  
“Honestly how uncomfortable you got and how red your face went when we started talking about hairy balls,” he smiled at me, “Like I mean dude your brain was totally thinking about my brother’s balls wasn’t it?”

  
I felt my face flush, “Huh…”

  
“Come on you can’t deny he’s hot that little bit of Asian. He’s a piece of ass everyone in the brotherhood wants. The ones that are into exotic,” Cole said.

  
“Pat’s nice looking don’t get me wrong but I don’t think everyone wants him. I mean what about the guys who want you?” I asked him.

  
“Oh,” he said nodding his head, “I’m flattered but your kind of young.”

  
Oh shit. I didn’t mean it like that. At least not on purpose.

  
“Don’t be embarrassed it’s fine,” Cole told me, “Look, maybe in a year or two if we’re both still alive and around we can think about it but, I don’t see myself getting serious with someone anytime soon ok?”

  
“I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean it like that ok?” I said trying to back pedal, “I know the rules there’s a lot of rules. Ben is my contract I can’t just…My body isn’t mine.”

  
“You have a contract? You’re 10, right?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

  
“They don’t contract 10-year old’s. Like ever. How did they manage to pull a contract on you?” He asked me.

  
“I’m 10. How should I know? I didn’t know that was like a thing Da just told me that my uncle was in charge of certain things and that I was…,” I choked on the words them tasting bitter in my mouth, “I was his.”

  
“That’s also rare family members getting to contract even though most people don’t have more than one uncle in it to begin with. Or at least that was the case for a while. I don’t know something weird is going on. My Dad told me when he was a kid things were a lot different than they are now. That lessons didn’t start until everyone was like 13. He said a parent could start their kids personally any time before that but that they noticed kids who were started younger were more likely to stay so the leader changed things.

  
I shivered. I knew it was just his nickname but I didn’t want to think about him. Think about it, or them. None of it.

  
“Ah,” he said after watching me for a second, “He must really like you.”

  
“What?” I asked feeling panic in my chest.

  
“Ok, calm. Breathe,” Cole told me, “I just mean that usually if someone is too old he uses them to trade up or in his case down I guess. You haven’t been here long though.”

  
“I’m not sure I want to know what you’re talking about,” I said quietly.

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “What are you hoping to get for Christmas?”

  
“Well what I was hoping to get for Christmas was maybe some peace of mind but, that’s not happening. How is he?” I asked.

  
“James?” He asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“We didn’t talk about it while either one of them was awake but honestly? Pat told me he screamed bloody murder the whole time,” Cole said not able to look at me.

  
“Well it fucking hurts so yeah that doesn’t surprise me. He seems really tired.”

  
“Yeah well, just because the leader didn’t let anyone else touch him didn’t mean he didn’t fucking ride him into the ground. I remember Lionel. He’s not … he’s a lot like your Da.”

  
“I know,” I said quietly, “I’d rather deal with Ben. The pain is better. Easier.”

  
“That’s what John says too. I have to say I agree. I mean you’ve met my Dad and he’s a lot like your uncle. If you make him angry he hits, pinches, slaps whatever…he’ll paddle you if he has permission. He doesn’t need permission from anyone to paddle me sadly but I don’t hold too much interest anymore. I think I’m past his AOA that means…”

  
“I know what it means. I read,” I informed him.

  
“Ok,” he nodded his head, “But anyway your Dad uses words. He does this thing where he stretches you just…”

  
“Just enough that it burns a little bit but doesn’t really hurt and then he calls you names and stuff. Tells you it’s your fault. That if you weren’t attractive it wouldn’t happen. He wouldn’t need to do it. That you feel good, taste good. That he wants to make you enjoy it too?” I asked him.

  
His face went pale for a minute and he nodded his head in agreement, “Lionel is even a little different from that though.”

  
“Lionel will play with you until you feel like putty. Until you can’t…”

  
“Get your body to respond to anything? To even move really. Then he just does what he wants. It doesn’t even hurt at that point it’s just…he controls everything,” Cole said numbly.

  
“I thought you were too old for him. I mean you said I was barely in range?” I asked.

  
“I am now. I wasn’t always,” Cole informed me and I nodded my head.

  
“Lionel has a type. Quiet, thin, blond. Tiny. Kids who don’t make waves. Once I got older and figured that everyone who shared that type was like him I decided I’d rather make waves than not. Not that it helps with some of them but, most,” Cole said.

  
“Barry?” I asked.

  
“Yeah Barry likes you either way. He doesn’t have personality specifics just look,” Cole said, “You’re a little young for Barry though. You just hit them weird I guess? Like they don’t know what to do with you. You act older than your age but other than your height you look younger so maybe…I don’t know maybe it just makes you appeal to a lot of them.”

  
“I don’t look younger,” I protested.

  
“Your face,” He told me, “You have this …it’s something about your eyes they look really young. They make you seem younger around 8 or 9. Your brain though. Your brain is a lot older than that. 14 or 15. Maybe even older.”

  
“That’s Barry’s range? 14 to 15?” I asked.

  
“No, he’s more like 12 to 18,” Cole said.

  
“So, you’re saying the moment I outgrow Lionel I grow into Barry? Fucking awesome,” I muttered.

  
“I didn’t say that. But kind of I guess. I mean usually the moment you can physically do somethings. Certain things Lionel doesn’t have any more interest,” Cole said.

  
He meant ejaculate. It explained why he paid more attention to my ass then my Dick. Because I was pretty enough he still wanted to mess around with me but he didn’t like that result that messing around with me had. Lovely.

  
“Man, this suck. Like it’s awesome but it sucks at the same time,” Cole said shaking his head.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“We’re built the same, have the same hair color so anyone who messed with me is probably going to mess with you,” Cole pointed out.

  
“Not the same shade and I have green eyes,” I said.

  
“Usually most of them aren’t super into eyes. I mean a couple are picky yeah but, mostly hair color shade doesn’t really matter. What really gets them though is body type. Some of them only have certain body parts they really focus on. Like Dick size or like I said sometimes eye color. Height that type of stuff. But, usually as long as your too thin for your own good they don’t care. I’m surprised my Dad hasn’t tried to put his hands on you yet. Even though he either likes psychological torture or physical. So maybe he’s just waiting for permission. From like everyone. Hank doesn’t like Dad to mess around without him or without him knowing.

  
“Why does he need permission from Hank?” I asked.

  
Cole laughed lightly, “They’re together like…you know.”

  
“Together like together together?” I asked, “You mean they…?”

  
“Fuck? Yeah,” Cole said, “When I said Pat was like my brother I wasn’t lying. He might as well be.”

  
“Doesn’t that make Karen your sister?” I asked.

  
“That bitch? I don’t claim her,” Cole said making me chuckle.

  
“She is a bitch,” I agreed.

  
“Pat thinks so too,” he said, “We’ll claim each other and Charlie. We’re not claiming her though.”

  
“Charlie?” I asked.

  
“Pat’s little brother. He passed away a couple years ago,” Cole said his face falling.

  
“Sorry for your loss,” I said quietly.

  
“It’s in the past,” Cole said, “But yeah Hank doesn’t like Dad fooling around on him. Last time he did he made him dress like a dog for a week tail and collar and everything. It was kind of sick. Trust me you never want to see your Dad like that. It was beyond…Pat and I avoided my house a lot that week. But yeah, you’re just his type. The way he treated me when I was your age. He really loved sucking my…”

  
“Woah dude, no,” I said shaking my head.

  
His smile looked like it had been wiped from his face as he looked at me.

  
“What I don’t want to hear about…”

  
“Fuck me. Did he? Dude if he did tell me. I can hold that shit over his head so hard because if Hank ever finds out…,” Cole said, “Don’t cry, god Will I’m sorry. Don’t cry please. I’m sorry ok? I just…I joke about it because I don’t know what else to do. Did he though seriously? You can tell me.”

  
Should I tell him? Arthur said not to tell anyone. Not ever. If I did and he was allowed to touch me again wouldn’t he hurt me? If he was anything like uncle Ben I knew he would.

  
“Look. If he did and he told you not to say anything I’ll pretend I don’t know ok? You shouldn’t have to keep anything to yourself. Trust me when I say it’s not healthy.”

  
“Everyone keeps telling me that. Yet no one can stop them! Not my mum not my fucking brother. They even…. James fucking James. You know bad that hurts? If John can’t protect him I’m supposed to and they just…” I trailed off.

  
“Hey,” Cole said coming around the counter and walking towards me, “Hey, it’s ok Will. IF anyone expects you to protect them they are nuts. You’re a kid Will.”

  
“I AM NOT A KID!” I screamed.

  
“I didn’t mean it like that. I meant we’re young,” he touched my shoulder before wrapping his arms around me hugging me at first I struggled but he kept hushing me. Kept rubbing my neck and shoulders, “It’s ok man. You’re ok. We’re young there is no way in hell we’re expected to be able to protect anyone from them ok? No way. Anyone who does think that is beyond insane. You’re doing your job you’re doing everything you can ok?”

  
I started to relax hugging him back. He felt warm. He smelled kind of like ass and ball sweat but I really hoped it wasn’t his default smell. His skin felt warm. Not too warm but warm enough.

  
“Will?” I heard Matt ask and jumped away from him like I was on fire.

  
“Yeah?” I said looking at him sheepishly.

  
“Why are you hugging a guy in our kitchen? And why were you sniffing his neck?” Matt asked his eyebrows raised at me.

  
Cole starting laughing, “You were sniffing my neck?”

  
“I wasn’t I swear I was…”

  
“Dude, I’m messing with you,” Cole said, “Come on…” he said punching me lightly in the shoulder and walking towards the living room.

  
“You were sniffing his neck. You know, that right?” Matt asked me.

  
“I was not!” I insisted.

  
I totally had been but that was beside the point. I didn’t want him to know that or to tell other people that. And I knew how to get a hug from my crush now all I had to do was nearly cry. So that was a total bonus I put in the back of my mind for later.

  
“You totally were,” Matt said, “Is that like a thing people do? Should I ask John?”

  
“Matt come on. I was not sniffing his neck,” I said.

  
“You realize it’s ok to sniff people. I mean I think it’s ok. I’ve never done it but…,” I walked away then not listening to the rest of what he had to say.

  
This was awesome. So, Cole knew I had a crush on him. I wasn’t able to keep my little brothers’ safe, obviously. He figured something had happened with Arthur and now Matt probably knew I was gay. I wasn’t sure what part of this Christmas ranked the worst.

  
When I walked into the living room everyone was looking at me. Did Cole fucking tell them? Omg.

  
“Why are you blushing?” John asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I said shrugging my shoulders before Pat leaned in close to him whispering something in his ear.

  
“Ah,” John said, “It’s ok Will we all got it last night.”

  
“It? That’s how we’re going to refer to this is it?” Cole scoffed.

  
“Well we can’t exactly refer to it as a good ass fucking when their mom shows up Cole what should we call it?” Pat asked.

  
“I wouldn’t call it good to start off with. I’ve had good and that was not good,” Cole said as John gawked at the two of them putting his hands over James’ ears waking him up, “Secondly, we probably shouldn’t talk about it anyway unless we all want to get in trouble and Pat there is a six-year-old sitting next to you so could you just like…”

  
“Oh, sorry John,” Pat said smiling sheepishly at my brother.

  
“I think he’s still dead asleep so it’s ok but yeah. I’d like it if you didn’t swear in front of him and the words…well just yeah,” John replied.

  
“Thank you,” Pat said quietly looking closely at John.

  
Matt coughed loudly and Cole pretended he didn’t notice. All I could think was dear lord they need a room alone together to get it out of their system. What was wrong with them? I didn’t look at Cole like that did I? I really hoped not because he looked ridiculous. My brother looked ridiculous.

  
“You want to know who has picked up swearing?” I said pointing at Matt.

  
“Hey, I get it from you guys. Next, I’ll be sniffing necks in the kitchen,” Matt said shrugging as he sat down next to me.

  
Cole started losing it almost falling off the couch dramatically.

  
“Neck sniffing in the kitchen?” John asked wrinkling his whole face in confusion James waking up and staring at us.

  
“Hi Bud, good morning how are you feeling?” John asked.

  
He shook his head turning and burying his face into John’s chest. He seemed confused. Scared. Like he didn’t quite understand what was going on. Like he remembered the night before but he wasn’t really sure where he was or what was going on now.

  
“Can I see him?” Pat asked, “James you want to go get a drink in the kitchen just you and me?”

  
He hugged John tighter and shook his head. He didn’t want to leave John. Pat sighed. So, there was something he wanted to say but he could read John as well as I could. That John probably couldn’t handle whatever it was that. What it was he wanted to say to James.

  
“Bud, can you come with me to get a drink? Would that be ok?” I asked James who unburied his face from John’s shirt.

  
“Ok,” he said quietly reaching out for me and I picked him up like he was still a toddler. I mean he was still tiny he was only six.

  
I picked him up and kissed his forehead Pat following up into the kitchen. I sat down on a stool rubbing his back as he buried his face in my shoulder, “It hurts,” he whispered to me.

  
“I know bud. I know it does,” I said rubbing his back.

  
“Hey,” Pat said to him quietly, “I didn’t mean to scare you back there. I’m sorry.”

  
“Tell him I’m not scared of him I just want my brothers,” James whispered in my ear.

  
I smiled lightly at that, “He said he’s not scared he just wants to be with us.”

  
“Ok. I can understand that. I was just worried I scared him because I remember what it was for me the first time. I just wanted someone I trusted to be with me and everyone else really upset me for a while especially if they tried to touch me,” Pat said calmly sitting down on the stool next to us.

  
“Tell him people are mean so I don’t blame him,” He whispered in my ear.

  
“He said he understands because he thinks people are mean,” I said.

  
“I’ve been…,” Pat trailed off taking a breath, “I’ve been with the leader before.”

  
“Me too,” I said looking at Pat.

  
“You have?” James asked me.

  
“Yes,” I said.

  
“Like with Daddy? Like he stuck his…” he lowered his voice to a whisper again, “His penis in your butt.”

  
“Yes. That’s what we mean,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“It felt weird,” he whispered back, “He put…” he started whimpering in my ear.

  
“I know bud. It’s ok let it out its ok,” I said as he started crying, “Shhh…it’s ok. You’re safe right now. We’re safe. I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you right now ok? I promise.”

  
“He screamed and cried the whole time,” Pat said barely keeping himself from crying, “It’s hard. Especially your first time.”

  
“I remember. Da took me to a hotel. I didn’t know what was going on. That was probably the scariest part for me. Was knowing something was off but not being sure what it was. That anxiety it was…almost a relief when he kissed me.

  
“What about your first time with someone else? I mean someone that wasn’t…” Pat t railed off.

  
“Family? That happened in September. Cole didn’t tell you?” I asked him.

  
Pat’s face fell, “No. We don’t. We don’t tell on each other. Our stories belong to us we don’t share someone else’s story with other people even if we walk in on it. It’s not something we do it’s like an unwritten rule. Why?”

  
“He, Cole I mean we saw me after. I couldn’t even speak. It was Barry,” I said, “He didn’t even really, He likes to use his fingers and stuff. So that’s what…that’s what he did. You mean like full on rape that was Lionel. He did at the end of summer party.

  
“Luke’s house?” James whispered in my ear and I nodded my head.

  
“I really don’t like him. He makes it he…”

  
“He had a thing for Cole. Cole told me a lot of stuff about it. He did things to Cole for years. Cole still shivers when he hears his name or sees him. I fucking hate him. Cole’s like my brother you know? I mean he’s like only a year younger than I am but he’s my little brother. To know that someone would do that to him it makes me so angry.”

  
“It sucks,” I said quietly, “He does things to you until you…your body just can’t tense anymore. You can’t even get your leg muscles to really move at all and then he…his fingers and then…he’s inside. And you feel like you can barely move. It’s not even because you’re so stiff you can’t move it’s more like your muscles just don’t work anymore.”

  
“He used his mouth a lot,” James whispered in my ear, “Down there until it was all sticky and it felt like I couldn’t stop peeing and I cried because it burned and it wouldn’t stop,” he got louder, “He wouldn’t stop. I asked him and he told me he wanted to…it didn’t feel good Willy. It hurt, it hurt so bad.”

  
“I know,” I rubbed my hand through his hair, “I know. It’s ok. He did it to me too bud. After they put you in the cage. Da let him do it to me too.”

  
“He did?” James stopped pulling his face away from my neck so he could look at me.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “Yeah he did. We’re safe now though ok? We’re together and we’re safe. Because even if they hurt us they can’t take us away from each other, right?”

  
“You promise?” he asked me quietly.

  
“Pinky swear,” I said hooking my pinky through his, “I’m still really tired are you really tired?”

  
He nodded his head and put his face back in my neck hiding his little face there rubbing his snot on my shirt like little kids do when they cry and you’re holding them. It was gross but cute. I thought anything my little siblings did was cute though no matter how gross it was. Even Andy painting with his shit on the wall was cute super gross but, totally cute and really funny.

  
“John doesn’t know,” Pat said more than asked.

  
“Don’t tell him,” I said, “Please? You know he can’t…”

  
“Yeah I know. I saw. You guys are his world it would crush him. To know that it wasn’t just one of you guys he failed but two. He cares about you guys more than anything,” Pat told me.

  
“I know,” I said, “We care about him too. I know it’s not the same because he feels like he’s the oldest so he has to take care of everyone but you have to remember they aren’t just his younger brothers either. They’re mine too. Aren’t you bud?” I asked him kissing his cheek.

  
“Yeah,” he told me, “I’m tired.”

  
“Me too,” I said.

  
“And we all smell like balls,” Pat mentioned.

  
That made me laugh, “Yeah we do.”

  
“Cole never smells good after it’s always kind of grody actually. Something about the way his smell mixes with all the others it’s like super bad. Like…”

  
“Old cheese kind of?” I asked.

  
“You did sniff him!” Pat said laughing “Oh god that’s awesome. I can’t say I’ve ever purposefully sniffed him in my life.”

  
“I didn’t…” I sighed.

  
“Why would you sniff someone?” James asked me.

  
I smiled at that too. I didn’t know how to explain that to him. He was only little. How to explain that sometimes you just wanted to know what someone smelled like. How they felt. Whether their skin was soft and warm or cold and clammy. How sometimes what you imagined and what you got were different.

  
“He’ll explain when you’re older,” Pat told him, “You guys should go upstairs get some more sleep. We all should.”

  
“Yeah probably,” I said.

  
“James?” Pat said as I stood up.

  
“Tell him yeah?” he said.

  
“He asked yeah,” I said appeasing his need to not speak to anyone but me.

  
“It’s not over. You’re not bad because he did that to you and it’s not your fault ok?” Pat said tearing up a little as he said it.

  
I smiled and nodded my head at Pat in approval remembering how badly I had needed to hear those words after Da had hurt me the first time. How badly I needed to hear them just so I could remember that it wasn’t me or anything I did to deserve what they did to me.

  
“It’s not yours either Will,” Pat said almost like he was reading my mind.

  
“Thank you,” I said.

  
“Just try to remember it. I know it’s hard to sometimes. But it’s not your fault. We’re not at fault,” Pat repeated before he walked away back out into the living room.

  
I started carrying James up the stairs him relaxing into me as I continued to rub his back pushing the button to the lift.

  
“Is that true?” He asked me.

  
“What bud?” I asked.

  
“That I’m not bad?” he asked me.

  
“You’re very good. You’re not bad at all bud. You’re a very good boy and it’s not your fault,” I said to him again.

  
“He said…he said that because I cried I was bad. That it wouldn’t hurt if I wasn’t bad,” he told me.

  
That made me angry. That wasn’t true. It hurt because he was hurting him. It had nothing to do with how good or bad he was. He was a little boy. He was six years old. His body wasn’t made for that. His body wasn’t old enough for that it was going to hurt no matter how relaxed or tense he was. No matter what anyone did to him. His body wasn’t made for sex. It wasn’t old enough for sex. To tell him that it wouldn’t hurt if he was good was an outright lie. And Lionel knew it.

  
“He lied to you,” I said pulling him back as we got on the lift so he could see my face, “He lied to you bud you’re not bad. You’ve never been bad a day in your life you hear me?”

  
“I didn’t mean…I didn’t mean to make you mad…” he said starting to cry.

  
“Bud I’m not mad at you. Ok? I’m mad that Da let him hurt you. He let him hurt you and Daddy he’s supposed…he’s supposed to protect us and he doesn’t,” I said starting to cry, “I’m so sorry he doesn’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

  
“I’m sorry,” he said hugging me and sobbing with me as we held each other me rocking him back and forth as I started to calm down letting him cry, letting him have his moment as I hushed him. He had nothing to be sorry about. I knew that but at the time it didn’t occur to me that I didn’t have anything to be sorry about either.

  
That just because Da had given up his job, had decided we weren’t worth protecting. Weren’t worth keeping safe. That didn’t make it mine. That didn’t make it John’s either. It felt like it did though. And that made it feel like I had failed them. I had failed my brothers and my sisters. I had failed to keep them safe from the people that wanted to hurt them. Especially the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever want to hurt them. Our Da one of the people who gave us life. One of the people who was supposed to want to give up everything to keep us safe. The one person whose betrayal hurt the most.

  
When we got upstairs I didn’t bother to put him down in his room instead I carried him to mine and climbed in bed with him snuggling him. If anyone knew how I felt it was him. The things Lionel said. The things he did. The way he made you feel. If anyone could come close to understanding it I felt like it was him. Because Lionel hadn’t just raped one of us that night he’d raped both of us. Sure, it was separately but it was in the same house. In the same night. I needed him with me to know he was safe. That we were safe. Me only closing my eyes when his breathing slowed, when I knew he was asleep safe in my arms.


	33. Thirtythree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will learns that things are changing. That things are going to be different. He deals with James who seems to be struggling and feels like he's losing his mind. He makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 545 to 572. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced kissing, forced oral, manipulation, John pt1 chapter 12** While it's taking place at the same time it's completely different because Will and John are very spread out kind of takes place inbetween 11 and 12 because John didn't cover a lot of this.

There was a light knock on the door at some point me stirring before he did as the door opened John stepping into the room quietly, “Dinner is ready,” he told me.

  
“Already?” I asked quietly rubbing James’ back to wake him up, “Bud come on. Time to eat.”

  
“Yeah,” John said.

  
The way he was standing his whole body was tense. His whole being telling anyone that was being attention he didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to sit at that table. He didn’t want to be anywhere near them. Those guys. He didn’t want to hear their jokes or make small talk with them. He didn’t want to listen to mum talk with them. He had no interest in being anywhere close to them.

  
It was Christmas Eve dinner. I wasn’t sure which part was more discerning for John having to sit with his rapists who ever that was if it wasn’t every single one of them or having to sit at a table with the guy who had raped our little brother. Because while we disagreed on whether we deserved it. Me thinking I deserved it for one reason or another and him thinking the same about himself we could both agree on one thing. Our brothers, they didn’t deserve it. Not anywhere close.’

  
“Come on bud,” I said again rubbing his back causing him to stir and bury his face into my stomach wrapping his arms around me.

  
“Is he doing ok now?” John asked.

  
“I don’t know,” I said, “James? Are you ok?”

  
He just shook his head. He didn’t want to leave my room. I think it was because he didn’t feel safe. Didn’t feel like he could be safe anywhere else but with us. That maybe that’s why he had refused to speak to Pat directly when he had tried to talk to him that morning because he was trying to control his interactions, trying to find a way to feel safe when safe was a feeling that would be very hard for him to come by for a while and John and I both knew it.

  
John sighed and sat down on the bed touching his shoulder, “Bud we have to go eat. Aren’t you hungry?”

  
“No,” he said quietly, “I want to stay here.”

  
“Bud, listen ok? I’m going to ask something very big of you. Mummy will know something happened if we don’t go to dinner and mummy will get very very sad if that happens. And then…"

  
“She’ll go away again?” He asked daring to look at John still sitting on the edge of the bed behind me.

  
“Yeah,” John said, “So can we play pretend. Pretend like nothing happened last night? Pretend like that guy didn’t hurt you? Can we try?”

  
“Like I tried to build the castle?” he questioned.

  
“Yeah,” John said nodding his head.

  
“It didn’t work you know?” He asked.

  
“What didn’t work bud?” I asked running a hand through his hair him closing his eyes and sighing into my touch.

  
“Building the castle to keep me safe,” he told me.

  
“You tried to teach him that?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” John answered me, “I’m sorry it didn’t work bud. I really am. We need to try and be strong for mum though so she doesn’t get sad. Can you try for me? Please?”

  
“He’s going to be there though. I don’t want to see him,” he said.

  
“Hey? Remember what I told you the morning bud?” I asked him quietly, “About him?”

  
“Yeah,” he told me.

  
“I have to sit at the table with him there too. I can’t do it just me. Will you help me?” I asked him.

  
“Ok,” he said looking at me, “For you.”

  
“Thank you,” I told him.

  
“What if he…?” James said his face contorting in fear.

  
“Mum will be there. He won’t,” I told him.

  
“Are you sure?” he asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Yeah I’m sure. How about you go shower and then I shower and we’ll get dressed ok?”

  
“Can I shower in your room?” he asked me.

  
“Yeah you can use my bathroom bud, go on,” I said to him as he climbed over top of me using John’s shoulder to steady himself as he climbed over my body and went into the bathroom shutting the door behind him.

  
“What did you tell him the morning?” John asked me.

  
“Nothing,” I said shaking my head, “It’s nothing.”

  
“Will, come on. Don’t lie please?” He said, “I’m not her. I’ll be fine I swear.”

  
“Last night. After they stopped with you. With him,” I paused not sure I could say it. Not sure I wanted him to know. Him to worry about it. It wasn’t even last night that bothered me most about Lionel it had been from before.

  
“It’s ok. Whatever you need to say, I’ll listen,” he said and I nodded my head.

  
“Da came and got me. He took me downstairs to him. To Lionel and he…Da held me while Lionel did things. He made me do things. After a while Da left and…he did more things,” I told him.

  
“Da let someone other than him…was he…?” He started to ask, “The first?”

  
“Yeah but it was a little bit ago. When we first got here,” I said quietly.

  
I didn’t tell him about Barry. He didn’t need to know about Barry. He had to go to school under Barry, he was our headmaster. He would hate school if he knew. I couldn’t do that to him.

  
“Why didn’t you say anything?” He asked me after a minute or two of silence.

  
“God John. You were naked locked in his bedroom. You had enough problems,” I told him.

  
“Yeah well that’s a pretty big thing to not tell me Will,” John said, “I understand why you didn’t but you shouldn’t have…you shouldn’t have kept that to yourself ok? Because I know you wouldn’t just tell anyone that. Because that’s not you.”

  
“He did it at a party. It’s weird to think about,” I said quietly.

  
“You want me to tell you what happened to me? The first time Da made me…you know? With someone else?” he asked me.

  
“You don’t have to,” I said, “I’m ok with not knowing.”

  
“If I want to tell you?” he asked quietly.

  
“I’d be ok with listening,” I told him.

  
“He took me to the doctor. I don’t remember why. I can’t for the life of me remember why. Then he took me out to eat,” he started, “It was some weird Chinese restaurant and it was dark there were a lot of curtains around every booth. I remember a lot of kids. Da said it was for people like us. People who were on dates with kids that didn’t want other people knowing. A place where it was ok for him to kiss me and stuff. He talked with this guy. His name was Tony. And then these other guys came out nowhere. He let them grab me and take me somewhere else. I didn’t know what was going on but then Tony came into the room and he told me to strip. Take off my clothes and I didn’t know…I didn’t know what to do. He told me to kiss this guy that came up to me. He was wearing a mask. To make it look like I wanted to. And I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. So, Tony said something to them I don’t remember what and then just hands everywhere. I remember so many hands all over and it hurt so bad and it didn’t matter what I did or said. They wouldn’t stop. I don’t even know their names. Tony filmed it. This one guy, the one in the leather mask I remember he was black and he hurt and he made me sit in his lap. That hurt a lot. Another guy got on his knees and he…yeah.”

  
“He took me into a bedroom. It was a game they were playing. We were supposed to close our eyes and when someone grabbed our hand we were supposed to follow them and not open our eyes until they told us to. He took me down the hall to a room and told me to open my eyes. I had already met him earlier like maybe an hour or two earlier so I knew who he was. He told me no words only sounds. He kept telling me that. He made me look at him. While he…Like Dad does sometimes,” I said, “I’m sorry that Da let someone do that to you.”

  
“I’m sorry he let someone do that to you. I had no idea Will,” John said to me, “He told me if I stayed like that that he…he would keep people away from you guys. You know, that right?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I wasn’t supposed to tell you about anything. Because Da told me if you hurt yourself. If something bad happened to you it would be my fault because I told you. Because I made you upset because I told you.”

  
“That asshole,” John smiled angrily rolling his eyes, “It wouldn’t be because you told me it would be because he lied. I hate him. I hate him so much. And he let someone do it to…”

  
“Me?” James said quietly from the doorway getting our attention, “He let someone hurt me too.”

  
“Yeah,” John said nodding his head, “Yeah he did and it’s not anyone’s fault but his ok? I want you two to know that. It’s not anyone’s fault that it happened but his. You couldn’t have stopped it Will ok? And you didn’t do anything to deserve it and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that Da doesn’t love us enough to not hurt us. To not let other people hurt us.”

  
“It’s not your fault,” I said, “I remember what he called you. It’s not your fault.”

  
“Let’s not talk about that,” he said.

  
“I’m not going to,” I said and he smiled at me sadly nodding his head in thanks, “Bud, come on let’s go get you dressed so that Will can shower.”

  
“But he needs me,” James told him quietly.

  
We both laughed lightly at how adorable he was being breaking up some of the melancholy tone, “I think Will can shower on his own.”

  
“Yeah bud, I’m pretty sure I have that covered. I’ve been showering on my own for a good while now but I’ll come out when I’m done. I promise and we’ll all go downstairs together. Now that’s where I’m really going to need you,” I told him.

  
“Ok,” he said, “I’m going to go get dressed now.”

  
“Ok bud,” I said nodding my head and standing up going over to the bathroom.

  
“Willy?” James said causing me to turn.

  
“Yeah bud?” I asked.

  
“I love you,” James said making me smile.

  
“I love you too bud. I’ll see you in a bit ok?”

  
“Ok,” he said nodding his head as he opened the door leaving my room.

  
“I love you too. You know that, right?” John asked me.

  
“Yeah I know. Me too,” I told him before he followed James down the hall.

  
I took a shower but I made sure it was a quick one afraid with how fragile James was acting. Like he might break. Like he was unsure of himself and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to leave him alone. I myself felt nervous and I couldn’t pin down what it was but my anxiety felt like it was going to break me. Like I was going to fall apart at any second. Like I was trapped in a room with them even though they weren’t there. It felt like me sitting on the bed nervously three months ago twisting with anxiety as he looked at me. As he called me beautiful and called me little one. As he made me feel small.

  
Once I was dressed I went out into the living room greeted by the sounds of rowdy kids being kids, “Come on I want to try it.”

  
“You can try it in a minute,” I heard Cole reply, “I’m just showing you.”

  
“Yeah you showed me,” Matt replied, “Now I want to try it.”

  
“Ok,” Cole said handing over the remote, “Here you…” Matt snatched the remote out of his hand… “Go. Oh hey.”

  
“Hi,” I said waving.

  
“You feel any better? You slept for a long time,” Cole pointed out.

  
“A little,” I answered.

  
“God, you guys are annoying,” Matt muttered, “You would think the world had ended.”

  
Cole lip curled in a sneer, “You really don’t get it, do you?”

  
“Nothing to get,” Matt said, “Mike you want to play?”

  
“I want to play Mario,” Mike answered.

  
“Argh, what is wrong with you? Why do you always want to play Mario?” He scoffed.

  
“I like Mario,” Mike said, “What’s wrong with that?”

  
“Nothing,” John said coming out of his bedroom James in his arms, “Absolutely nothing.”

  
“I want to be carried,” Cat said.

  
John sighed. He wasn’t carrying him just because he wanted to be carried. He was also carrying him because walking hurt. After you’ve been ass raped walking just the movement of your legs can be painful depending on how violent they were and when you’re small, when your body is small it doesn’t matter how gentle they were the burning when your legs moved could be enough to make you cry not to mention how weird your cavity felt being filled beyond capacity and then sudden being empty but still swollen.

  
“Huh…” John went to explain.

  
“How about I carry Cat?” I asked Cat, “Do you want that?”

  
“I want John,” She told me.

  
“Jamie?” I asked.

  
“You can carry me,” he said nodding his head.

  
“Ok,” I said reaching around as he wrapped his arms around my neck,

  
“She doesn’t understand, does she?” He whispered in my ear as he switched to me.

  
“No,” I said, “She doesn’t.”

  
“That’s ok. I still love her. Even if she doesn’t understand,” he told me.

  
I smiled. I didn’t doubt he loved her. I didn’t have any doubt he loved our little sister just like John and I loved all of them. There were some days, some moments where we felt like it was just us. That mum wasn’t really around and Da wasn’t really around but that it was just us and no one else. That the only people we truly could depend on were one another so of course he loved her.

  
“Guys?” Pat said from where he was sitting on the couch, “I think we’re supposed to be going downstairs now. Like your mum is already down there with the babies and what not so shouldn’t we be like…?”

  
“Probably,” Cole agreed both of them looking at John.

  
James squeezed me slightly tighter as I myself tensed. We had to go down there and sit at a table and eat with them. Now. Not later but now. I felt like I wanted to scream. I didn’t want to do this, I couldn’t do this.

  
“Hey,” Cole said putting a hand on my shoulder, “We’re all going to be right there ok? I will do everything I can to make sure you’re ok and him. It goes without saying John will too ok?”

  
“It’s just…” I felt tongue tied.

  
It was hard to explain what I was so scared of. How he reminded me of how powerless I was. How I couldn’t protect my brothers. How I couldn’t even protect myself from an old man. He made me…I still to this day don’t know if it was the way he looked or how he spoke but he really scared me.

  
“I know. I get it ok? I do,” Cole said, “I will do everything I can. I swear.”

  
“He’s not going to make them sit near him, is he?” John asked.

  
Cole gave John a look. A look that said probably. That we were his focus so Da would do what he was told. If that meant having me sit in arms reach of Lionel that’s what Da would do. I imagined it was probably similar to eating at the table with Ben how his hand always seemed to be on my knee. How he always wanted to be touching me.

  
“Let’s try not to think about it,” Cole said quietly nodding his head.

  
Just then we heard the com come to life and sure enough is was mum telling us it was time for Christmas eve dinner. Why John skipped that night other than it wasn’t his night to talk about I don’t know. But I remember all of us getting into the lift and being quiet. When we got to the formal dining room the table was set with 3 fresh baskets of rolls, two large spiced roasts, Champ, Mashed potatoes, two large bowls of stewed carrots and one of peas as well as the side table loaded down with desserts, blueberry pie, plumb pudding, chocolate devil’s cake and angel’s food cake with strawberries and crème.

  
It was a beautiful meal that looked like my mum had really put a lot of effort into. All of the adults were already sitting at the table John doing a double take when he noticed Hank sitting near mum and the babies him paying close attention to Malachy. That was something to watch I remember taking note of that. Being nervous about it knowing what I knew about Hank. That he liked red heads.

  
I knew that was a part of the reason he was attracted to John. Was because of his hair. I didn’t know what Hanks range was but it made me nervous seeing him sitting next to Mac and it made John nervous too me glancing at him and seeing the panic flash across his face before he managed to make it blank again with the shake of his head.

  
“It looks good mum,” Matty said sitting down at the table first.

  
“Thank you love,” Mum said rocking Mary as John muttered words of agreement and went to sit as well.

  
I came up to the table James still in my arms hugging me tightly and burying his face in my shoulder, “Come on bud for mum remember? We have to act normal for mum,” I reminded him to which he nodded his head and slid from my arms looking around at everyone.

  
“You can come sit by me,” Mr. Lord said smiling at him brightly to which he stepped back hiding behind my leg.

  
The only two spots open were between him and Da so either way we were kind of trapped. The two of us together. I sighed and squeezed his hand smiling at him encouragingly, “How about you sit next to Da ok bud?”

  
“Ok,” he said to me squeezing my hand back as we sat down.

  
“So, did you guys have fun last night? Da tells me that he heard you all up really late?” Mum questioned looking at John.

  
“Yeah, we were up just like playing video games and stuff,” John lied to mum quietly.

  
“I went up to check on them after discussing some stuff and James actually managed to stay up late with them too,” Da said smiling both Cole and Pat and John all shooting Da a dirty look.

  
“You stayed up with the older boy’s love?” Mum asked him to which he leaned into me.

  
“Yeah?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t know what to tell her. Tell her I’m tired,” he said quietly as Da must have squeezed his knee because James’ jerked making the table jump.

  
“Are you ok love?” She asked him frowning at his unusual behavior.

  
“He’s just tired mum,” I said quietly as I felt a hand not on my knee but on my crotch my face heating up.

  
I didn’t know if I was blushing or not but that was not where I wanted his hand. I remember my appetite going right out the window. This was highly uncomfortable but if I stayed calm maybe we could get through this dinner ok. I closed my eyes leaning my forehead against my closed hands as if I were praying.

  
“Are you ok?” Cole asked me.

  
I just nodded my head before I felt him lean into me his hand on my shoulder, “relax little one. You’ll make them jealous.”

  
I felt my body wanting to twitch, jerk away from him. All of my muscles fighting not to tense up. I felt like I was choking on air. Me pulling my knees together only to find it trapped his hand there in-between my legs making him smile at me and lick his lips before taking a drink of wine when he looked at me.

  
“William love are you ok?” Mum asked me, “You’re fidgeting quite a lot.”

  
“Maybe he has to pee?” Matt asked, “I mean like Andy wiggles a lot when he has to pee.”

  
“May I use the rest room?” I asked taking advantage of the excuse he had given me to leave the table.

  
“See, I told you he has to pee,” Matty said nodding his head like he was impressed with himself.

  
“Matt, he’s not two. He doesn’t have to pee,” John sighed shaking his head.

  
“Maybe he does,” I heard Pat say amusement in his voice as I got up and left the table.

  
In case you’re wondering, Matt was wrong. I did not have to pee I just didn’t want an old creepy man’s hand on my crotch. It makes for a very uncomfortable meal and I just needed to get away. When I was in the bathroom I took a minute or two to calm myself down. Tell myself that just because his hand was there didn’t mean anything bad was happening. Sure, I didn’t enjoy being touched there. I wasn’t ok with that but, I figured as long as he wasn’t undoing my pants I could somehow pull my shit together enough to get through this dinner.

  
“It’s just a hand,” I told myself looking at myself in the mirror feeling like a complete imbecile, “It’s just a hand. I’m screwed. I’m totally screwed.”

  
There was suddenly a knock on the door as I flushed the toilet and turned on the sink to hide the fact that I hadn’t actually been using the bathroom, letting the water run for a few minutes before I turned it off and opened the door to find John standing there.

  
“You need to go too?” I asked him.

  
“No, I was checking on you,” he admitted.

  
I nodded my head, “I’m ok. I just…he makes me nervous ok?”

  
“I can understand that. I mean I’m sitting between Pat and Hank so…I’m right there with you,” John said smiling sadly before looking at his feet.

  
“I keep telling myself it’s just a hand. That it doesn’t have to mean anything,” I said quietly.

  
“I wish I could get myself to believe that,” John said shaking his head.

  
“I didn’t say I believed it. I just said that’s what I keep telling myself,” I chuckled sadly, “Do you think she knows?”

  
“Well, to be fair you aren’t two. So, you don’t exactly get fidgety when you have to pee anymore you just kind of get up and go,” John pointed out.

  
“Are we going to have to tell her you think?” I asked him.

  
“No,” he sighed sadly, “Pretty sure they put something in her wine because she’s acting drunk and she’s had maybe a glass.”

  
“Awesome,” I muttered.

  
“So, what are we going to do about this?” John asked me.

  
I thought about it. If they wanted to hurt someone and they did, they would. There was nothing we could do to stop it. We were children. John was 13 and I was 10 a few months away from being 11. There wasn’t anything we could do to stop four full grown men from raping everyone in the house if they wanted to.

  
“Well,” I said, “I don’t think there is anything we can do about it.”

  
“So, what are we going to do? Just let them rape him again? You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed how…” I cut John off.

  
“John, the first time Da raped me I didn’t speak to anyone for nearly a month,” I pointed out.

  
“I remember,” John said, “I didn’t know what it was but I remember it. Everyone at school kept asking me if you had taken a vow of silence. I told them you were nine and that I didn’t think you knew what a vow of silence was.”

  
“It’s where Monks vow not to speak in order to be spiritually closer to god,” I said.

  
“Well yeah but, did you know that when you were nine?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t remember,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“What if he wants to let the leader rape Andy? Or Malachy or Seamus?” He asked me.

  
“We do the same thing that we do for James. We tell him no and we fight him and we try to stop him knowing we’ll probably fail,” I answered.

  
“Are you ready to get tied up and whipped?” He asked me.

  
Was I? Was I really ready to face that possibility? That Da would let not just the leader but Hank and Arthur to rape me too. To do things to me like they did to John. Whatever it was they did. If it meant keeping my little brothers safe. All of them even Matt the answer was…

  
“Yes. If it comes to that,” I answered.

  
“Ok,” he said, “What if Da makes us…?”

  
“I’ll do it. I doubt he’ll make us though,” I answered.

  
Just then Da came down the hall towards us mum in his arms smiling at us, “Mum’s a bit tired.”

  
She wasn’t tired she was passed out whatever they had given her having worked its magic. I wasn’t sure what do say or do. Was I supposed to go back in the dining room and finish eating or…

  
“John why don’t you and the guys take the babies upstairs?” Da asked.

  
“Really?” John asked.

  
“Yeah,” Da nodded, “Come back down when you’re done. Take Cat with you.”

  
“Are you sure?” John asked.

  
“Yes, I’m sure. Go take the babies upstairs and then come back down when you’re done. That way you two can finish eating,” Da said to John.

  
“Ok,” John said looking at me, “You want to grab like…” John’s face went pale.

  
“Yeah let’s go grab them,” I said as we both lightly jogged down the hallway to the dining room.

  
Once we got there James moved to stand up the Leader standing up behind him putting his hands-on Jamie’s shoulders stopping him from moving. He froze. The moment the leader’s hands were on him he froze. He frozen like I froze.

  
“Da told us to take everyone upstairs guys,” John said quietly, “Pat can you grab Mac? Cole could you like grab?”

  
“I’ll grab this one,” Cole said unhooking Andy from his booster seat earning him a dirty look from Matt.

  
“Sure, that works,” John said shrugging his shoulders, “Will can you grab…” Mr. Lord cut him off.

  
“Will is staying with me,” Mr. Lord said.

  
“Da said everyone,” John said quietly.

  
“Are you arguing with me?” He said lowering the volume of his voice.

  
Before that point I never thought whispering would be worse than yelling. His voice grabbing the attention of everyone in the room. The silence felt threatening as it descended upon us everyone freezing in place. He looked at John his eyes almost seeming like they should be glowing red with anger.

  
“No sir. He’s not arguing,” Pat answered for him, “He was just stating what his father said. He didn’t mean anything by it.”

  
“If your father questions where your brother is just tell him he’s with me. That should help you avoid any problems,” he said looking at John who nodded his head.

  
“Mike, Matt? Can you two grab Laura and Seamus? I’ll grab Mary,” John said.

  
I walked over to where the leader was still keep James down his hands on his shoulders James still frozen and pale. His chest heaving as he tried to keep himself calm. I didn’t know exactly what I was doing but I wanted to keep him safe. Wanted to see if the leader would let him go.

  
I managed to swallow back my anxiety putting my hand on the leader’s arm getting him to look at me. I felt my mouth go dry. Not sure what I was doing, thinking I was totally crazy. Feeling completely unsure of myself.

  
“Are…are you going to let him go?” I asked quietly.

  
“You want me to?” he asked as I realized that Arthur and Hank were watching closely.

  
I go on my tiptoes him lowering his head so I could whisper in his ear, “Please? Anything you want just let him go upstairs.”

  
“You promise little one?” he whispered back in my ear his hands finally leaving Jamie’s shoulders. Making me sigh in relief but tense in dread at the same time. I nodded my head in reply.

  
“John?” I asked as he looked at us, looked at the room.

  
“Yeah?” he asked me.

  
“Can you take James upstairs?” I asked him.

  
“We’ll go upstairs together you can play house with me,” Catty said smiling brightly at James as James got up slowly looking at me confused.

  
“It’s ok, you can go,” The leader said to James who sighed stumbling a little as he stood up as he walked over to Catty taking her hand them walking from the room together.

  
“We’re supposed to go come back,” John said shifting Mary from one arm to the other nervously, “Are you sure he can’t…”

  
“Johnny, I don’t think your Dad would be very happy to hear you questioning his boss,” Hank pointed out.

  
“Right,” John nodded his head, “I’ll be back ok Will?”

  
I nodded my head. I was alone with the three of them seconds later. I wasn’t so worried about Hank but, Arthur and Lionel. I stood there frozen for a minute. Before Lionel moved aside.

  
“Why don’t you sit down? Finish eating?” he said pulling the chair out for me.

  
“What am I doing?” I asked him.

  
“Well little one, you’re eating. Ok?” He said sitting down next to me.

  
“Why just me?” I asked.

  
“No reason,” Arthur said.

  
“They want to fuck your brains out,” Hank said causally laughing lightly.

  
“What?” I asked looking at Lionel.

  
I don’t know why but it was probably because he was obviously the one in charge. Of everything. So, any questions I had were being directed at him. Because I knew he got the final say in why I was there. In what happened. It didn’t make me feel very comfortable but I didn’t know what else to do.

  
“He’s messing with you little one it’s ok,” he said, “You need some rolls. Would you like a roll?”

  
He put a roll on the plate in front of me. My plate from before where my food was barely touched. I shifted nervously looking at him.

  
“Thank you,” I said quietly.

  
“Why are you so nervous little one?” Lionel asked me.

  
“Where’s my Da?” I asked.

  
“Making you another sibling,” Hank laughed.

  
“Hank, that’s enough,” Lionel warned him, “He’s nervous. Don’t upset him.”

  
“Of course, he’s nervous. You’re looking at him like you want to eat him. No offense sir,” Hank said Lionel smiling at him and shrugging his shoulders before he leaned towards me his mouth up to my ear.

  
“I wouldn’t mind that. Do you want me to eat you little one? Make you squirm with those tingles and chills?” he asked.

  
My face flushed. I might have only been 10 but I had a pretty good grasp on what he meant. Hank let out a barking laugh.

  
“He is shy, you guys were right,” Hank said.

  
I wanted to ask him if that meant with every one of them. Like what Da had made John do. With all those people. Like what they had made me do at the Villa. I couldn’t find my voice though.

  
“I think he’d be fun to play with. Is he?” Hank asked Lionel.

  
“Hank. I don’t kiss and tell. You know I don’t see it that way. I believe in showing them what…”

  
“Proper love is? Don’t peddle that speech with me Lionel. Remember when I got you out of that doozy? Those two boys from, where was it? Russia? Did I ever tell you about that babe?”

  
“The one bit me,” Lionel said shaking his head, “And don’t scare my little one.”

  
“You and your little ones so precious. What about that little one? He was the same, wasn’t he? That is until you choked him to death on your …”

  
“ENOUGH!” Lionel barked loudly causing me to cover my ears.

  
So, he had killed some kid. Some kid like the ones I had met at the Villa. A kid without a family. Without someone to care about them. Without someone to protect them.

  
“Now,” he said quietly, “Why don’t you tell me about yourself a little bit?” He asked looking at me.

  
I didn’t know what to tell him about myself. Was he joking? I was 10. There wasn’t much to me. I enjoyed reading and probably read some books I shouldn’t be reading like A game of thrones. It wasn’t exactly light reading. I knew my brother was crazy. Was pretty sure my Da and Uncle were crazy and pretty sure one of my other brothers and my mum were both milliseconds from a nervous breakdown.

  
There really wasn’t much to say about myself. First, he sticks his dick in me and then he wants to talk to me? I mean seriously? I might have been 10 but I knew that was like the opposite of how things were supposed to work.

  
“Humm…” I said trying to figure what there was to say before we heard stomping drawing their attention to the doorway where Cole appeared stopping before he was bowled over by what I could only assume were probably Pat and John who couldn’t stop themselves from sliding across the wood flooring.

  
“Fuck,” I heard someone mutter.

  
“Sorry,” Pat said.

  
“Gentlemen?” The leader asked as they came back into the room.

  
“Yes sir?” Pat asked apparently him being designated speaker of the group.

  
“How about you three go with Art and Hank here?” He asked Pat.

  
“What about him?” John asked before anyone else could say anything.

  
“Him and I are talking and he’s finishing his food,” The Leader answered him, “He’s fine.”

  
I didn’t know what to tell them. What was going on really. I just knew I felt sick to my stomach and that he was paying attention to me. I knew I didn’t want his attention.

  
“You’re not going to hurt him, are you?” John asked quietly.

  
“No,” The Leader answered him, “Now go.”

  
Hank approached John causing John to back away slowly. He didn’t want Hank to touch him. I could see it in his eyes. I had managed to get James out of it but I hadn’t managed to save John. I felt sick watching Hank grab him hard by the arm twisting it behind his back as he guided him towards the kitchen, towards the basement. Arthur getting up and forcing Cole and Pat to follow Hank down the hall.

  
“Anyway, you were getting ready to tell me about yourself little one?” The leader said.

  
“I don’t…I don’t know what to say,” I said quietly.

  
“What do you like to do in your free time?” He asked me.

  
“I hang out with my siblings. I…read?” I tried.

  
He chuckled, “You’re not sure you read?”

  
“Sorry,” I said quietly, “I mean I read for fun.”

  
“Don’t be sorry little one. I make you nervous still?” He asked me.

  
I nodded my head looking at my plate. Of course, he made me nervous. I knew what he wanted to do to me and it wasn’t talk to me. I didn’t know what to say to this guy.

  
“There is nothing to be scared of. You know that. You know me little one, I’d never hurt you. Not ever,” he said, “So why don’t you tell me about yourself?”

  
“I go to school. With Teddy,” I said and he smiled at the name.

  
“My Teddy?” he asked and I nodded my head.

  
“Yeah. He’s …different,” I said quietly.

  
“He has ADHD,” Lionel said smiling slightly, “It’s not his fault he just has trouble sitting still and paying attention. What do you think of him?”

  
“He’s nice. He’s just a little twitchy,” I admitted.

  
“Who else do you hang out with?” He asked me.

  
“We have a lot of classes with Finn and Quinn,” I said before he interrupted me.

  
“Last names little one. I don’t recall first names that well. Last names, family names are easier to recall when you do what I do. So, if you could please use last names it would help,” he said and I nodded my head.

  
“Finn Huber and Quinn Ashmore,” I answered.

  
“Ah Sean and Gustoff’s boys,” He said, “And how do you find them?”

  
“They’re nice,” I answered not sure what else to say about them.

  
“What are you brothers like?” he asked me.

  
“You don’t know?” I asked him.

  
“No,” he told me, “I like to know things about my boys. Why do you think we’re talking? I want to get to know you.”

  
His boys? I was…I couldn’t be. I couldn’t be that. I was Ben’s. I knew I was Ben’s. I couldn’t be his.

  
“But, I’m Ben’s,” I said.

  
“Well,” The leader smiled biting his bottom lip, “You can’t contract relatives. It’s incestuous. I mean for lesson’s that type of thing is fine but, relationships it’s …still a bit frowned upon so. I was thinking you could be mine.”

  
“Yours?”

  
“One of my boys. One of my little ones. You’d be special to me,” he told me, “Can you tell me anything else about your brothers?”

  
I didn’t want to be his. I mean I didn’t want to be Ben’s but, I didn’t want to be his. My throat felt heavy. Thick. I didn’t want to be his.

  
“Little one?” he said his voice sounding shocked confused through my closed eye lids, “Little one? Why so sad? It’s ok. There’s nothing wrong. There’s nothing to be sad about ok? I won’t take you away from home. It’s not that type of relationship ok? Your Dad does very important things for me. It wouldn’t be that type of relationship. I can tell you what it would be if you want me to. Would that make you feel better?”

  
So, he knew why I was upset. Because I knew what he had meant. That he wanted to contract me and a contract could mean a number of things. My uncle had described what it was briefly and that they could be very comprehensive from the type of clothes I wore and who I talked to up to where I lived if my Da agreed on it. It could include diet even as well as rewards or punishments that were or were not allowed to be given to me by my contract holder. Things they had agreed upon.

  
“What would it be like?” I asked him.

  
“Well,” he said, “After school on Friday’s we’ll do something fun. Sometimes you’ll come with me and we’ll have a sleep over. Other times we’ll do something else. It’ll be fun. It won’t always involve,” he sighed looking at me like he was thinking carefully about how to word it, what he was going to say, “Alone time but it will sometimes. It just depends on what mood I’m in. At parties, you’ll …well I have a friend that will take care of that issue for us so you don’t need to worry about that. You just worry about having fun. If you want anything you just ask me ok?” he said running his hand through my hair, “You might be older than some of my other boys but you’re still much too young to take away from home. Much too special ok? Sometimes when we go out you can invite one of your brothers to come with us or a friend if you like. Does that sound ok?”

  
I didn’t know what to say. It was confusing to me. The only thing Ben ever wanted to do with me when I belonged to him was take me to the basement and have sex with me. He didn’t offer to take me anywhere or do anything with me. It threw me that that would be something the leader would do, take me places, give me things.

  
At the time, I couldn’t figure out why. Why he would want to hurt me but be nice to me at the same time. It was confusing. He smiled at me lightly taking one of my loose curls and wrapping it behind my ear his face amused at my reaction.

  
“Can you tell me what you’re thinking?” He asked to my silence, “You’re smart my little one, I want to hear your ideas.”

  
“I…I’m not sure I understand,” I answered him quietly.

  
“Why don’t we go upstairs to my room and talk about it a little bit huh?” He asked me.

  
Upstairs? No, no upstairs. I was pretty sure met his hands on me. His mouth on me. I didn’t want to go upstairs.

  
“But…I,” I tried to speak, to find a way to let him know that I didn’t want to do that with him. That it scared me. That being with him scared me.

  
“Little one, there is nothing to be scared of. I don’t like hurting my boys. Those awful pictures your uncle took of you? I would never do something like that to you. You’re special ok? You deserve better. He treats you like stoneware when you’re more like a fine bone china little one. No one should treat you that way. I would never even think of…,” he sighed, “Why are you so afraid of me? Can you speak freely? Say it anyway you want. I know your father is very particular with the words he allows you to use but, I want to hear your honest thoughts,” he said.

  
“I…,” I swallowed preparing myself in case it was a trick. In case he was going to use it to punish me but I took a chance, “I don’t like being touched like that. It makes…it scares me. It makes me feel bad. I don’t like kissing or…I don’t like it.”

  
He pursed his lips looking at me thoughtfully, “Do you think maybe it’s because you’re confused little one? That maybe it’s because your uncle hasn’t treated you well? So, you’re not sure how it’s supposed to really feel?”

  
“No, I really don’t like it,” Informed him.

  
“Well, you can do this for me. Or, and I’ll let you in on something you might find interesting; That sweet little peach you convinced me to send upstairs will be going to the zoo with me on the 8th after school. Do you want that? His body isn’t ready for things like that yet. The toys I want to play with. The things I really enjoy. Yours is barely ready but you’re so delectable I can’t help myself. Both you are beyond anything I could imagine. Are you going to be good? Or are you going to be the one to tell him he’s my playmate instead of you?” He notified me.

  
So, I really was his. If I didn’t do this, whatever this was with him he’d make Jamie do it. Whatever it was. He waited for my answer. Looking at me closely. He just said he wasn’t into the things uncle Ben was into but, it certainly seemed that way to me. Toys? Toys was something Ben was into.

  
Was I going to subject my little brother to that? My six-year-old little brother? The one he had raped last night that hadn’t said a word to anyone but John or I since? The little brother who was clinging to me shaking as I carried him downstairs to sit at a table and eat with him? The kid who was probably upstairs crying hysterically while curled in a corner of someone’s room the only two being up there that could even half way function being the twins one of which was probably molesting my two-year-old little brother as I sat there with this guy staring at me waiting for my answer.

  
“I’ll be good,” I agreed quietly.

  
“I thought so,” he said standing up and holding out his hand for me to take, “Why don’t we go upstairs ok?”

  
I nodded my head and give him my hand. He chatted to me on the way up to the 3rd floor. He walked us down to the end of the hallway and opened up a door. This room seemed even bigger than the room Pat and Cole were supposed to be staying in. I didn’t remember this room at all. My brain not able to place it as he opened the door. This room too was yellow the yellow seemingly too bright. The fourth wall being all glass just like the room next door facing the back yard.

  
“What are we doing?” I asked him quietly.

  
“We’re going to have fun,” he told me starting to unbutton his oxford taking it off.

  
Fun to him meant getting naked. I wasn’t ready to take off my clothes. I wasn’t ready to have sex with him again. I didn’t want to do that again. Not if it was going to feel the way it had felt before my whole body over run with tingles and chills like he said it wanted to be.

  
“Come here little one,” he said grabbing the hem of my shirt and pulling my shirt up over my head.

  
That act made me freeze. Made my insides turn cold. He smiled at me running a hand through my hair. I didn’t get what he thought was so special about me, about James. I didn’t understand it. I mean Cole had said it was because I looked like him and I knew James looked like me but, I didn’t look like him I looked like my Da and it wasn’t like they were doing my Da. So why me?

  
“What are you thinking little one? Be honest,” he told me.

  
“I don’t want to do it,” I said barely above a whisper.

  
“If you just relax I think you’ll enjoy it. You always get so tense, so…scared,” he said undoing his pants and letting them down revealing he didn’t have underwear on as he stepped out of them.

  
I hated the way his skin looked. Sometimes I had weird thoughts when I looked at them naked because well, I was a kid. But I remember thinking I really honestly hoped I never looked like that when I got old. The age spots up and down his chest. It was nasty like that guy did some tanning or some shit I’m telling you what but anyway…

  
“I can’t relax,” I replied honestly.

  
I really couldn’t. I always dreaded the feeling. I didn’t understand how he didn’t get that.

  
“You want to know what my Dad used to do for me?” he asked me and I nodded my head curious.

  
“He used to give me brandy,” he said which made me snort loudly, “Excuse me?”

  
“Sorry,” I said quietly.

  
The brandy and the giving and receiving of was how my brother got into the mess he was in. I wasn’t interested in anyone giving me anything to drink or any drugs if they apparently made you laugh hysterically and behave like a bumbling idiot as Cole had so aptly demonstrated to me the evening before.

  
He chucked lightly going over and sitting down on the bed, “It’s ok. You’re young. Very young. I can understand why alcohol might not appeal to you,” he patted the spot on the bed beside him, “It’s an acquired taste.”

  
“John drinks like a fish. A fish that is trying to survive on land,” I muttered looking at my stockinged feet not moving towards him.

  
He let out a hardy laugh at that like he had forgotten that John was only 13. Because you know a 13-year-old alcoholic is so funny. It’s damn right knee slapping hilarious.

  
“Come here little one,” he said and I sighed taking a step or two forward, “You’re a funny one.”

  
“Thanks?” I asked.

  
I didn’t know why I had suddenly relaxed a little bit other then I figured I wasn’t going to escape this, him. He had said he wasn’t going to physically hurt me or beat me. Which was something that he had sort of proven. I mean that didn’t mean he didn’t have temper or that he wouldn’t find other ways to hurt me it just meant I didn’t have as much fear about having my ass whipped until it bled so I think it helped with the anxiety even though I still wasn’t 100 percent sure.

  
“Can we talk?” I asked him.

  
“We are talking little one,” he said patting the spot next to him again, “Why don’t you take off your pants and come over here. You can tell me all about yourself. That’s what I was hoping for.”

  
“If I don’t you’re going to go get James, right?” I asked him to make sure I knew his intentions.

  
“Yes,” he said after a minute of watching me.

  
I sighed heavily pulling off my pants and leaving them on the floor in a pile. I walked over and flopped myself down into the spot next to him sitting on the bed still in my socks in briefs. I thought about what there was to talk about while he looked at me. Thinking maybe if I talked to him for whatever reason he wouldn’t make me have sex with him.

  
Maybe it was because while he was being grody he wasn’t being in my space really. Just kind of staring at me a lot. He was joking with me and laughing when I did things that were funny. He had told me he was going to take me to the zoo if I was good and not James. That he wouldn’t hurt James if I did what he wanted me to.

  
“I have other friends too. Other than Teddy and Quinn and Finn,” I said.

  
“Last names little one. Remember?” He reminded me.

  
“Ashmore and Huber. And do I really have to call Teddy by his last name? I mean you know who he is,” I said.

  
“Yes, because to start with I don’t call him Teddy I call him Theodore and second, it’s…,” he trailed off grabbing my foot and pulling it into his lap taking off my sock before he started rubbing my foot making me a small sound in the back of my throat, “It’s easier for me.” He finished.

  
“I have more friends than just Ashmore, Huber and Larkin. Just like I don’t know a lot of people don’t like me,” I continued.

  
“Really?” he asked as he stopped playing with my foot, “I wonder why. Why do you think people don’t like you?”

  
“I’m weird,” I answered, “I mean I spend all my time with my brothers and sister pretty much. I’m smart and I know sometimes I’m weird smart and not like cool smart. So, people tend to not like me. That and when I get nervous I either freeze up or I get super talkative. So, people don’t always know what to do and ….” I trailed off his hands moving up my leg.

  
“Hands make you nervous or touching?” he asked.

  
“Touching,” I answered honestly.

  
“Why?” he asked.

  
“It feels like…bugs,” I informed him.

  
“Bugs?” he questioned as he took my other ankle in his hands removing that sock as well.

  
“Like bugs on my skin. It makes me feel like things are crawling on my skin,” I answered.

  
“Ah,” his eyes lit up in understanding, “I didn’t realize they’d had that much contact with you little one. I’m sorry.”

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“Sometimes when someone has too many lessons in a short time frame it causes their body to react sensitively to just about any type of touch. It can make people very fidgety. Could explain why you get so nervous with me,” he said picking up one of my legs and moving it to sit behind his back, “Who are your other friends?”

  
He started rubbing his fingers in slow circles on my right calf like he was giving me a massage starting at my foot. My one leg resting in his lap as he held it the other one laying flat up against his back.

  
“Rodgers and Sexton,” I answered it taking me a minute to think of Julian and Keith’s last names.

  
“Are they good friends?” he asked shifting his weight so he was on his knees still rubbing my leg me shifting my shoulders and inhaling deeply trying to keep myself calm.

  
I knew I was supposed to be doing this. Maybe they were right, maybe if I could keep calm it wouldn’t be so bad. It wouldn’t hurt so much or scare me so much. He wasn’t even being sexual, just touching me. His hands slowly moving up my leg his fingers still rubbing slow circles moving slowly up to the back of my knee making me shiver.

  
“You ok little one?” he asked me as I felt my throat tighten.

  
It had tickled. It had been too sensitive. Reminding me why I was there, what I was there for.

  
“Are they good friends?” He asked me again trying to redirect my attention away from his touch. Away from the feeling of his hands on my skin as he kneeled on his knees naked in front of me and I sat on the bed in my briefs otherwise completely naked his hands playing with my leg.

  
“Huh…,” I tried breathing rounding my lips and breathing out slowly working on trying to decrease some of my anxiety.

  
“That is a sensitive spot. At least that’s what they say. Some people say it can even arouse the genitals. Is that true can you feel it in your penis?” he asked me him smiling as I felt my face flush, “Relax. Just keep breathing ok little one? Now can you answer my question? Do even remember what it was?”

  
I shook my head numbly. It was hard to focus, hard to think. I didn’t like having hands on my body like this. This wasn’t fun. This made me want to run.

  
“I asked you if they were good friends. Are you close to them, relationship wise?” he asked me.

  
“No,” I tried but it barely came out above a whisper. My throat felt dry as he shifted his weight forward so he was on all fours his body above mine as he smiled at me his face inches from mine.

  
“You’re a pretty little thing,” he muttered before he kissed my forehead causing me to close my eyes and gulp, “No. Open your eyes I want to see your eyes.”

  
I opened my eyes looking at him. He looked at me closely. He seemed excited or like he was happy. None of the anger that I usually saw in Ben’s face there. This the first time I was really paying close attention to his face.

  
“Wh..wha... wha…,” I started not able to get the word out. I probably looked like a fish that was eating my mouth and eyes both wide open.

  
“It’s ok,” he tried to reassure me, “How about we kiss ok?” he said before he kissed the top of the bridge of my nose before kissing my left cheek. The small pecks feeling like nothing. But still making it hard for me to breathe. Making me squirm and fidget as he straddled my waist. Here it was. This was going to happen.

  
He finally kissed my lips just a small slow peck before he pulled away for a second to look at me looking at him. I was frozen again. My brain no longer working. It scared me. Knowing what he was going to do and waiting for him to do it. Before he pressed his lips to mine allowing some of his weight to press into me one of his hands going to the back of my neck as he coaxed my mouth open with his tongue me letting out a small whine as I allowed it to happen.

  
As I allowed it to happen because I didn’t have a choice. If I didn’t let him. If I hesitated it was James. It was James instead of me even though he had admitted it himself, James wasn’t old enough for this. His body wasn’t made for this. Not like mine.  
He moaned into my mouth, kissing me hard, deep. My whole being felt like it was shaking in every cell. My chest feeling tight but my whole body feeling like it was vibrating with the kinetic energy he was putting into me using his hands, his tongue. It didn’t feel good. It felt cold. It felt sticky and gross his fingertips gently rubbing the back of my neck as he kissed me the kiss breaking long enough for him to mutter that I needed to open my eyes again because I had closed them.

  
Closed them in fear. In an attempt to shut him out. To control something, anything. In an attempt to stop my heart from hurting. To stop it from pounding against the bones in my chest, from making my body feel like it was shuddering even though I was sitting still as a statue.

  
“There you are,” he said quietly his nose against mine, “Are you ok little one?”

  
I couldn’t have answered even if I had wanted to. Everything from under my jaw all the way into my sternum feeling tight. Feeling like I was choking. I wanted to beg him to stop. To ask him why it was me or James. Why it had to be either of us but, I couldn’t find my voice.

  
I nodded my head numbly him not waiting to see my answer before I felt his teeth on my neck his hands going to my hips as he ground against me. I felt sick to my stomach. The food I had just eaten what little of it I had managed to get down rebelling feeling like poison weighing me down. Making me easier to grab onto. Easier to hold down. I grabbed his hands as they grabbed the fabric at my waist my teeth chattering as I opened my mouth trying to exhale deeply like I had been taught. Trying to calm myself down before I started crying.

  
“It’s ok little one,” he told me like he always did breaking away from me for a minute to sit up so he could pull my briefs off, “This is for you ok? All about you…” he trailed off his eyes wondering to my naked chest and down my frame as he slid my underwear gently down my legs fully exposing me. He took my underwear in his hands looking at them.

  
Looking at how white they were turning them over and straightening them out before he sniffed them. I don’t know if how disgusted I was showed on my face as he did that but if it did he showed no indication at all throwing it aside when he was done before he leaned forward his mouth latching onto my right nipple causing me to squeak.

  
Ok, that wasn’t ok. None of it felt ok my whole body feeling hot my mind spinning. And all I could do was sit there. His hands rubbing up and down my outer thighs up to my hips and then back down his mouth on my chest, his lips and tongue trailing back and forth between my nipples until I started to wheeze with effort as I panted. When I felt him pull away from my skin again I opened my eyes to look at him he was smiling at me.

  
“You’re being so good little one,” he told me, “I know it makes you nervous but I’ll make it feel so good. I promise ok?”

  
He kissed the area under my rib cage above my belly button. All I could do was throw my head back my whole body tensing as he slid down the bed his mouth getting lower and lower until he was low enough to wrap his arms around my thighs all the muscles in my legs tensing to the point where my toes curled with my feet pointed as he made it impossible for me to close my legs before he licked lightly down my shaft causing my lips to tremble.

  
The sensation was overwhelming. Him doing that, preforming oral sex on me. The longer he did it the more he made tiny sounds of satisfaction and the hotter my body felt. My whole being giving up and freezing solid after a while. My breath even stopping as I could no longer hold back all of my muscles seizing up and then letting go, relaxing as he pulled away wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand as he smiled up at me.

  
“You taste good. Usually that’s not something I like but, you actually taste nice. Slightly earthy but not too salty or bitter. Almost a little sweet.” He told me before his weight shifted him doing something that I couldn’t see from the angle I was laying at before I felt his finger slide into me.

  
“Please, please please please,” I said meaning for him to stop. Meaning I couldn’t take anymore that my whole body hurt and I was covered in sweat.

  
“I know. I know little one just hold on I’ll find it,” he cooed resting his forehead against the top of my pelvis.

  
He moved his finger me letting out a small hissing sound when he found that spot my whole body jumping in response him smiling up at me before he started kissing his way down again taking my length into his mouth making me whimper loudly and grab the sheets balling my hands into fist. I sounded like a dog being kicked me not able to stay quiet no matter how hard I tried. It already hurt so bad. Felt so bad my whole body burning and pressure just kept building as he added another finger before he pulled his lips away spitting on me before I felt his tongue against his own hand against my skin.

  
“Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything.” I told myself trying to keep myself from crying.

  
I felt his fingers pull out his weight shifting again his hand on the back of my neck before he slid into me with a groan. My eyes snapping open to see him staring at me my chest heaving, “Hi my little one. You feel so good you know that?” he asked me caressing my cheek. It didn’t take him long to find that spot. That spot that made my eyes go wide and made me hold my breath, “Yeah?” he asked as my chest tightened and didn’t rise his hand leaving my cheek and rubbing my chest, “You need to breathe little one ok? Just breathe for me. I know it’s hard but you have to breathe it’ll feel even better ok?”

  
My whole body jerked and twisted and squirmed like it had a life of its own. Like it wanted it. Like it wanted him. My whole brain screaming at me to stop him. To make him stop. To make him get off me my brain telling me to hit him, to kick him, bite him, anything but finding myself paralyzed all of the muscles in my body starting to cramp because they were contracted making it hard to do anything but twitch.

  
“God, you feel so good,” he muttered into my neck before he grabbed my legs trying to get me to wrap them around his hips or legs grabbing my arms and putting them on his shoulders, making me touch him as he was inside me, “You feel so good like this little one. So, sweet. So…” he trailed off his breathing getting heavier as he looked at me holding me. His fingers on the back of my neck him almost rocking us with each thrust me just thankful I could close my eyes and he wouldn’t know because his face was buried into the skin of my neck.

  
It didn’t take long for the pressure to become too much, for him to move too fast my muscles finding that point where they could no longer stay contracted instead releasing. Every cell in my body feeling like it was expanding again from the tips of my toes to the ends of my hair. That warm sticky feeling flooding my insides.

  
He kissed my cheek and the side of my neck as I stared at the alarm clock. Dinner had ended around 5 and it was now nearly 8pm. I had been with him for three hours and he had just finished. Me already being done before we had started. I took a deep breath blinking my eyes as he pulled away so he could see my face see my eyes when I turned to face him.

  
“You were so good little one,” he said taking one of my hands off his shoulder and kissing my knuckles sending a rain of tingles up my arm and down my spine, “Are you satisfied? Do you need more?” he asked me and I shook my head.

  
No. No I didn’t need more. I need to be let go. I needed to cut my skin off. I was done. He pushed forward once more him still inside me a small moan escaping as my body tried it’s best to tighten up again. To defend itself again instead finding itself pulsating my whole entire body from the shoulders down contracting and expanding in little bursts of energy.

  
“Oh,” he said smiling at me amused, “You want more?”

  
I shook my head vigorously. No. No, I didn’t want more. I was done. I was done. I didn’t want more. Before I could stop myself, I made the most pathetic sound somewhere between a hiccup and a gasp. I wanted him to pull out. I wanted him to get off me. I wanted to close my legs and my eyes and I wanted everything to just go away, to disappear.

  
“Ok little one,” he said finally shifting his weight off me, pulling out the sticky that was contained a minute before feeling like it was dripping out of me now, “How about you go shower and then go upstairs to bed?” he asked me to which I nodded my head.  
I got up and left the room completely making sure I shut the door behind me. My whole body was tired but I was thankful to no longer be in there. To no longer be anywhere near him. Even though I felt completely confused now that I had space. Now that I could think.

  
So, I was his now? That was it? No more Ben? I was his now? It felt weird. Me going upstairs and checking on all of my younger siblings before I showered. Checking each room quietly using the hallway light. Everyone was accounted for and all were clean and taken care of but one. James. Me feeling my heart rate speed up in a panic thinking that maybe he was downstairs but maybe…I sighed and took a breath before I started freaking out opening up my bedroom door. There he was one of my pillows and Bennington along with Hugh and Billy in his arms asleep in my bed wrapped up in my covers. I sighed heavily.

  
He looked so tiny laying there in the darkness. I couldn’t imagine anyone ever wanting to hurt him. I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to do that type of stuff to him. I couldn’t wrap my mind around how someone else could. How Da thought it was ok, how the leader thought it was ok. I sighed and shut my door as quietly as I could tip toeing over to my bathroom and making sure I shut the door before I turned on the light trying to make sure I didn’t wake him up.

  
I turned on the shower and climbed in trying to make sure I kept quiet that I cried quietly. But even with that after a while I heard the creak of the door. I figured it was him so I called out.

  
“Yeah bud?” I asked.

  
“He hurt you?” James asked.

  
“Yeah,” I said shrugging my shoulders even though he couldn’t see me, “I’m ok now though.”

  
“No,” he answered me pulling aside the curtain.

  
“Bud,” I sighed holding it closed, “Can I kind of…have some privacy here?”

  
“Why would Da let him hurt us?” he asked me.

  
“I don’t know bud. I wish I did,” I answered as best I could, “Was Matty nice to everyone while he was in charge?”

  
“Yeah,” James said, “Not like last time. Mikey kept him nice.”

  
“Good,” I said turning to look at him my knees pulled up into my chest my arms wrapped around my knees looking at him.

  
“You look sad,” he told me.

  
“I’m tired,” I answered him.

  
“He hurt me too you know?” He told me.

  
That’s when I broke for a second. Of course, I knew. It couldn’t have felt good. I hated it and I was older. My body more ready for it and it didn’t feel good to me. Making me twitch and squirm and squeak and hiss and cry. All because I couldn’t scream, because I couldn’t get myself to push him away, to stop him.

  
“It’s ok,” he said hugging me with complete disregard of my personal space or the fact that he was wearing clothes and I wasn’t. Or the fact that he was going to get wet because I was wet under the shower water while he was standing outside the shower curtain, “It’s ok I’ll take care of you.”

  
That made me cry harder being sure I kept silent but unable to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I felt stupid and weak. He had so many things to be scared of, to worry about. He didn’t need to worry about his older brother. He didn’t need to worry about me and how I was doing, how I was going to survive. That wasn’t his job. His job was to be six.

  
“We’ll be ok. We’re still good remember? It doesn’t matter what he did that’s what you told me, what John and Pat told me we’re still good,” he said clinging to me climbing into the tub with me.

  
“Yeah bud,” I said quietly, “We’re still good.”

  
“I know you keep me safe,” he told me, “That Da says things. I heard them when they thought I was sleeping. Da says means things.”

  
That caught my attention, “What do you mean?” I asked my tears drying me wiping what was left of them away with the back of my hand.

  
“Last night when we were downstairs, John and his friends and me. Da told John it was his turn play and when John didn’t say anything back Da told him if he didn’t Da would play with me instead. And then he left. You told them to let me go I know you did. Because last night he told me he wanted to play again tomorrow and it’s tomorrow and he hasn’t played with me so…” James trailed off.

  
“Bud don’t worry about it ok? All you have to worry about is you,” I told him realizing that I was going to have a mess to clean up once we got out his clothes soaking wet and us with only one towel. That’s when I realized something, “Are you bleeding?”

  
“A little,” he told me, “From there.”

  
I nodded my head and sighed. My first time I bled for about a week. I knew it wasn’t really his first time but close enough Da having only been inside him for maybe a minute or two when I had walked in. When I had stopped him.

  
“Did Da give you anything to make sure it doesn’t get on your clothes?” I asked him.

  
“It sticks to my underwear he said that girls use it. That mummy uses it. It’s a special diaper for girls for when they get big and need them,” he told me and I nodded my head.

  
“It’s called a panty liner. Da gave me some too after he…,” I sighed, “Mum keeps some in the nursery you know? The nursery bathroom.”

  
He shook his head in response. She always kept some there in case she needed them. It was easier than carrying them around the house with her or having to go back downstairs to use the bathroom when she needed one. It made sense to me but occasionally John or I would steal one or two if we needed them. I wasn’t sure if mum realized it or not at the time but sometimes when you have someone forcing something into your body you didn’t want there you got hurt. You bled. Not always a lot but enough.

  
“Hey bud can you like look at the wall while I stand up and like wash off?” I asked him.

  
“Why? I’ve seen you naked before,” he told me.

  
That was true he had seen me naked me before but not usually after I had just had someone’s hands and mouth and other appendages all over my under area and I felt super exposed. I sighed trying to figure out how I was going to explain it to him before I tried, “Well. Do you ever feel like not being looked at?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he told me.

  
“I kind of don’t feel like being looked at right now. He hmmm…made me feel not so good so if you could just please turn and face the wall while I wash myself that would be…that would make me feel better ok?” I told him.

  
“Ok,” he said closing his eyes as I stood up and then turning around and looking at the wall as I got under the water and used the soap and shower poof, “He put his mouth and stuff like all over, didn’t he?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “Is that what he did to you?”

  
“He licked my butt hole,” James said causing me to drop the poof on the ground in shock.

  
I mean to be fair Lionel had licked my butt hole too but I don’t think I had ever called it that. I do believe I might have said something like “he stuck his tongue in there.” Hearing Cole refer to it once as “eating ass” but I had never expected to hear someone call it that let alone a six-year-old even though that’s exactly what it was.

  
James waited in silence for a minute or so before he asked me, “Did he lick yours too?”

  
I had told myself a while ago if they had any questions I would be honest and answer them to the best of my ability so I just sighed and, “Yeah.”

  
“Didn’t it feel weird?” he asked me.

  
“It felt very weird. Yes,” I answered washing my body.

  
“Why would you want to lick someone’s butt hole?” he asked me.

  
“I have no idea,” I answered honestly shaking my head.

  
This was not a conversation I was expecting to have in the shower with my six-year-old brother at 9 at night right after it had happened to me so I wasn’t exactly the most eloquent of speakers at the time. The idea of him just saying it out right “he licked my butt hole” completely throwing me still.

  
“He licked my other parts too,” James told me.

  
“He did that to me too. It’s called oral sex. It means you’re using your mouth on someone else’s privates,” I told him.

  
“Why would you do that?” he asked me.

  
I was ten while I had some understanding it wasn’t a lot. I was really tired of talking about sex with five and six-year old’s. It was not my idea of great conversations to have. I would rather hear them go on about Donkey Kong to be totally honest but I reminded myself I had to be patient because just like me they were just trying to understand and they didn’t have anyone else to ask. Da would probably feed them a bunch of bullshit and John was never around. Mum would probably blush, go silent and walk away to yell at Da so that just left me.

  
“I think it’s because it feels good,” I answered.

  
“I don’t think it feels good,” he told me.

  
“No to like them. Kind of. Like you know how when you hold open a door for someone it makes you feel good inside because you did something nice for someone else?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he told me, “Wait are you saying…”

  
“Yeah. I think it makes them feel nice inside to think that it’s making us tingle and stuff. And that’s why they…they do it,” I told him.

  
“But it feels weird. Not good,” he told me.

  
“I know. I’m just saying I think that’s why they do it. I’m not saying that makes it ok or whatever but…you know?” I shrugged my shoulders turning around to see if he was looking finding that he was still staring at the wall but starting to shiver the air probably cold because he wasn’t under the water and he was in soaking wet PJ’s.

  
“Did he suck on yours too?” he asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered, “And it burned a little bit. Like I feel like it’s hard to explain but for me it feels like bugs crawling all over my skin and then it starts to feel like I have to pee and then it like burns and then my whole body just feels really warm and tight while all that is going on until I can’t stand it anymore and then everything just like…”

  
“It feels like your body is peeing even though you didn’t tell it to?” he questioned.

  
“Yeah pretty much,” I agreed, “And then it’s over usually.”

  
“My body felt weird and jumpy after that and then he made me cry. And then he stuck his penis in my butt,” James told me, “It hurt a lot. Then Daddy came in and told me it was ok. But it wasn’t. And then he made weird sounds and then it got sticky and then he stopped.”

  
“Yeah,” I said not sure what else to say. Remembering that after they had done that to him and to John they had woken me up and made me go downstairs. How the leader had done those things to me, put his tongue inside me like that and touched me like that and I had begged Da to tell him to stop to let me go and Da had responded by…helping the leader rape me. Helping him have sex with me. Him holding me so the leader could do what he wanted and then him putting his mouth on me, blowing me while the leader continued to eat my ass as I cried. As I struggled to breathe.

  
“Are you ok?” James asked me after a minute or two of silence.

  
“Yeah bud why?” I asked.

  
“You didn’t say anything,” he told me.

  
“I didn’t hear you. I’m sorry what did you ask?” I asked him.

  
“I said they told me it would hurt less next time. Is that true?” he repeated.

  
“Yes and no. The tingles and stuff that…that stays but it burns a little less when they put it in after a while,” I told him.

  
“Oh,” he said quietly and then, “I think the tingling is the worse part. It feels like your being tickled only from the inside. I don’t like it.”

  
“I agree with that,” I said risening off before I turned off the water and grabbed the towel drying myself off, feeling more confident in myself, “Ok bud we need to get you out of those clothes and into something dry so can you take off those and use the towel?”

  
“I can’t see the towel,” he told me before I realized he was still respecting my wishes that he not look at me his face still pressed against the tile as he shivered hugging himself in his wet PJ’s.

  
“You can look now. It’s ok,” I told him and he turned to look at me as I handed him the towel him taking off his PJ’s.

  
“What do I do with them?” he asked me.

  
“Leave them there I’ll hang them up in a minute,” I told him going out into my bedroom and grabbing some clothes putting them on quickly before I came back grabbing James’ PJ’s and wringing them out before throwing them so they would catch on the curtain rod and drip into the tub.

  
“Now how about you go get some clothes?” I asked him.

  
“Can I sleep in your clothes?” he asked me.

  
“My clothes are a little big bud,” I told him.

  
“Mummy lets me sleep in her shirts when I’m sick,” he told me.

  
I sighed. So, it was comfort thing he was looking for and not just him being lazy, “Ok, go get underwear do you need a panty liner?”

  
“I think so?” he questioned.

  
“Ok,” I said grabbing one out of my underwear drawer, “Go get some clean underwear and come back.” I said.

  
I refiled through my shirt drawer pulling out a shirt with Mickey mouse on it. A shirt I didn’t even remember having and when he came back I help him stick the panty liner to his underwear and handed him the shirt before yawning and stretching getting into bed.

  
“Goodnight,” I said to him looking at him expecting him to leave.

  
He must have sensed I was sending him away because he got still looking at me sadly and then took a quiet interest in his feet wiggling his toes. I sighed heavily. So, he wanted not only to sleep in my shirt but to sleep with me in my bed like he had last night, “Ok,” I sighed, “Come on its ok you can sleep with me.”

  
“You promise?” he asked me.

  
I nodded my head and smiled sadly at him. Would I have rather been alone? Yeah. But the truth was he needed me. That I had promised John and mum I would help take care of him when he was born and had silently made that promise about each of them. That on that night apart of taking care of him meant being there so he could hug me so he could feel safe and sleep even if it meant I might be slightly uncomfortable because I didn’t want to feel anyone against my skin. That if it meant him not having a night mare or having someone to hug and hold as he cried when one woke him up I should do it. Because I loved him and I had promised I would always do whatever I could to make sure he was safe and that wasn’t just from Da or Da’s friends but from every threat real or imagined.

  
“Thank you,” he said quietly as I moved aside so he could climb into bed up against the wall.

  
“It’s no problem. We have to go to sleep though ok? No more talking,” I told him.

  
“I know, I’m tired,” he agreed as I turned off the light and climbed in beside him.

  
It did take me a little while to fall asleep but it wasn’t horrible. Not as bad as I thought it would be. After all he didn’t feel like any of them. Smell like any of them. He smelled like him like a mix of dirt and baby shampoo and a little bit of mum’s perfume. The smell of someone familiar comforting. The feel of his tiny body against my chest comforting when I woke up after falling asleep and finding myself trapped in my own nightmare for a brief few seconds pulling him closer to me and wrapping my arms around him only to fall back into a more peaceful sleep until morning.


	34. Thirtyfour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas morning happens. Will is still trying to comfort James and keep him close his behaviors worrying Will as Will watches mum kiss up to these people. He wants to tell her who they are and what they've done but knows it's not a good idea. He's tired of watching John self destruct and watching his mum hide. He just wants to be normal. Wants a chance to escape the only way he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 574 to page 610. **Warnings: warnings are actually not super strong in this chapter. No in script non-con but obviously it's still there. Rape trauma, rape after math, very underage, mental health issues, talk of child sexual abuse. Emotional manipulation, emotional abuse John pt 1 chapter 12**

I remember Cat coming and waking us up. I remember it still being dark out. Her little hand on my shoulder causing me to turn opening my eyes slowly making Jamie whine out in his sleep.

  
“Why did he sleep with you?” She asked looking at us her head coxed sideways in curiosity.

  
“He’s not feeling well,” I told her.

  
“Why? Are we going to go open presents now?” She asked me before I felt him tug on the sleeve of my top pulling my attention to him as he stared at me.

  
“Are they going to be there?” he asked me quietly.

  
“I don’t know bud. I hope not,” I answered.

  
“Who?” Cat asked laying her head on my shoulder looking over me at him, “Da?”

  
James’ face flushed and then he buried himself into my chest. He was embarrassed. Because of what Da had done to him. He didn’t know how to talk about it. How to feel about it. I remembered that confusion how it made my chest feel tight, how if I thought about it too hard I could still feel it.

  
“What’s wrong Jamie?” Cat asked quietly, “Da won’t hurt you. I won’t let him.”

  
“Catty,” I sighed sitting up, “Can I talk to you for a second?”

  
“Yeah,” she answered quietly.

  
“No,” James whined as I moved to pull away from him.

  
“Hey,” I said quietly making him look at me as I kissed to top of his head, “He’s not here. He’s not here, we’re safe ok? You’re safe.”

  
“What happened to him?” She asked me.

  
“He got hurt. He’ll be ok. He’s just scared,” I told her.

  
“Why does Da want to hurt everyone?” She asked me.

  
“I wish I could tell you,” I said to her, “But I don’t have an answer.”

  
“Are we going to open presents?” She asked me again.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “We’ll go downstairs and hope they aren’t there, ok?”

  
“Ok,” Jamie said barely above a whisper before Cat hugged him and whispered something in his ear making him smile slightly.

  
It was a relief to see him smile. Even if it was only a whisper of what his usual smiles were. They had really traumatized him. Changed him. I smiled as he grabbed Cat’s hand and allowed her to lead him forward out into the hallway.

  
I still don’t know what she said to him but it got him to walk downstairs on his own taking a seat quietly on the couch between Pat and John.

  
“Hey, how are you doing?” Pat asked looking at James.

  
He wrapped his arms around John’s neck hugging him as he sat down. He was scared. I kind of understood why but, didn’t at the same time.

  
“It’s ok bud,” John told him.

  
“Are we going to open presents?” James asked John loud enough for the rest of us to hear but making it apparent that he was speaking more to John than anyone else.

  
“In a little bit,” John assured him as mum appeared coming down the stairs yawning heavily as she looked at us all smiling.

  
“Good morning everyone,” she said, “Looks you boys are up bright and early. Will do you mind helping me bring down the wee ones?”

  
“Sure mum,” I said stretching and yawning as I stood up, “No problem.”

  
“Yeah,” John mumbled before he sighed into his hands and rubbed his temples giving a smile to mum that didn’t reach his eyes, “I couldn’t sleep anymore even though I’m really tired. So, I thought I would go bother some friends.”

  
Pat yawned and stretched dramatically chewing on his lip ring a little bit, “I’m beat too. Merry Christmas Mrs. McGregor.” He said smiling at her.

  
“Well I guess at least you boys made an effort. Your Dad’s don’t want to come down at all. I suppose they were up all-night partying and doing guy stuff.” She said before she checked that her robe was securely closed and gestured to me, “Will let’s go, you can help me out.”

  
“Yeah Will,” John said smiling, “Go help mum.”

  
“Don’t tease your brother John,” Mum warned as she put a hand on my shoulder and we headed up to the stairs, “You aren’t bothering them too much are you?” She asked me as we climbed into the lift.

  
“No mum,” I said.

  
I thought god if only she knew. But at the same time, I realized I couldn’t tell her. That telling her would send her tail spinning out of control again and back into that room that she locked herself into whenever she was upset. That with all of the guest and everything else going on it wasn’t a good time. That maybe after everyone left I could let her know. About Mr. Lord and how weird Matt was being. About all of it but that right now it would be devastating to her and really make Da very angry with me if I said anything about the stuff occurring that I was pretty sure she wasn’t aware of.

  
“You’re always such a good boy,” Mum said rubbing my head before she put her arm around my shoulders lovingly and kissed the top of my head making me frown at her.

  
I didn’t like hearing that. I didn’t like being called a good boy anymore. Usually that meant something bad was happening and I was trapped. That I was frozen inside of myself waiting for them to stop, waiting for whatever they were doing to be over as I tried not to scream. As I tried to keep myself from pushing them away. So, I tried to think of anything else.

  
“Will? What’s wrong love?” She asked me quietly and I shook my head smiling sadly.

  
“It’s nothing mum. I’m fine,” I said.

  
“Are you sure?” She asked me, “You know you can tell me anything? You realize that, right?”

  
“Yeah mum. Of course, I do,” I said as the lift opened and we went to the nursery to find Matt and Mike in there already Mike and Cat trying to hold Laura down and get her into a fancy dress while Matt was trying to unzip Andy’s PJ’s.

  
“No, you can leave them in their footies boys. Those clothes aren’t until our fancy Dinner tonight,” Mum said as I noticed how intently Matt was staring at Andy again.

  
“Matt? Can you grab Mary?” I asked him going over to her Crib and picking her up before handing her to him, “We’re getting everyone downstairs.”

  
I sighed before zipping Andy’s PJ’s back up and Grabbing Seamus while mum got Laura back into her PJ’s and handed Seamus over to Mike, “Do you have him?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, of course I do,” he answered kissing the top of Seamus’s head and cooing to him as he walked down the hall.

  
I grabbed Mac while Mum grabbed Hands and Cat followed behind. When we got downstairs we all sat around the tree as Mum took Shay and Mary from Mike and Matt and put them in their swings turning them on while I held Mac in my lap.

  
“He looks like you John,” Pat said looking at Mac in my lap.

  
John looked at Pat and nodded his head in understanding before clearing his throat awkwardly, “I know.” He answered.

  
“What about the other one? He looks kind of like Will,” Cole commented gesturing his head in Shay’s direction over his shoulder causing my face to feel warm.

  
“I think his hair is a little darker,” Cat said sounding very adult as mum passed her a present.

  
“Maybe but otherwise I’d say they look very alike,” Cole said to her.

  
“Maybe but, I think we all kind of look alike. I mean we are all related, right?” Cat said before James came over to me not bothering to stand up but crawling over to me on his knees and tugging on my shirt sleeve.

  
“I look most like you,” he whispered in my ear.

  
“Yeah you do,” I said agreeing with him.

  
“What did he say?” Cole asked me frowning.

  
“He said he thinks he looks most like me,” I told Cole.

  
“That’s true, same hair color, same build. He’s like a mini you almost,” Cole said.

  
“Will looks like your Da guys,” Mum said and I felt my face fall as I took quiet interest in playing with Mac’s hands as he wrapped one of his tiny fists around my middle and index finger.

  
That’s what Ben always said. That I looked like him. I didn’t want to look like him. I didn’t want to be his. I didn’t want to belong to any of them.

  
Mum finished handing everyone a present including Pat and Cole and sighed, “Well since they aren’t down here we’ll just open presents without them, shall we?” She asked sitting in the recliner near the older boys who were still perched on the couch.

  
“Those as…” Pat said before looking around the room and thinking about all the little ears listening to him smiling sheepishly, “…sorted instruments” he finished frowning at Cole and rubbing his arm.

  
I had to suppress a laugh. Cole had pinched him for almost swearing. I guess when Cole said they were like brothers he wasn’t joking because that would totally be my response to John swearing in front of mum and the babies too. I must have chuckled or something because Cole shot me a small smile and shrugged his shoulders as mum said something I didn’t catch.

  
“Yeah, that sounds find to me,” Cole said in response to her.

  
“Ok Well, since we’re going youngest first I guess Will gets to be Mac’s helper. Love if you could just…,” Mum gestured and I nodded my head leaning forward with him.

  
“Come on Mac just rip the paper,” I encouraged as he decided instead to keep playing with my hand, “No, the paper Mac.”

  
“Papa?” He asked me.

  
“Paper,” I said pulling on the corner I had ripped again lightly before he grabbed it and gave it a small tug, “Yes, that’s right. Good job.” I said as he tore at it getting a decent amount of it open himself before I tore the rest of paper off the box revealing that it was a child sized musical instrument.

  
I don’t remember most of what everyone got but that year was the year everyone over the age of five got their first Violin. At first, I was confused as to what it was for. I had taken piano at boarding school but I had never really been too interested in it. John looked at his Violin frowning as he opened the case. Examining it with his fingers, running his hand over the wood lightly.

  
“Mum? Why are you giving us Violins?” He asked.

  
“I’m glad you asked,” Mum said, “Da and I were thinking that maybe it would be good for you all to take up an instrument or two. If you can think of a different one you would like you can let me know later and we’ll exchange it. But Da says he knows someone that is willing to give you all lessons in whatever you choose. It looks great on college applications for here and at home as well so we thought maybe it would something to invest in,” she answered.

  
“I like my Piano,” James said.

  
“Ok love, I know you do. I just thought that maybe you’d want to…”

  
“No. I want my Piano. I don’t need anything else,” James said breaking off her sentence.

  
“Don’t be rude James,” Mum scolded as he pouted looking at his lap.

  
That was like the first time he had spoken out loud since the leader had…raped him and she had scolded him for it because he had interrupted her. Was she really that oblivious to what was happening? Had she really not noticed that he had stopped speaking almost two days ago? I mean I knew she had been busy. She was always busy but…really?

  
I wrapped my arm around him, “It’s ok bud she didn’t mean it.”

  
“No, she’s just stressed,” he whispered back to me.

  
So, he had gone back to whispering. One word from anyone to seemed unkind made him upset and he went back to whispering. I sighed wondering how long it would take him to speak out loud again after that. Was this really how it was going to go for a while?

  
We were still going around the circle when we heard someone on the stairs, “I have presents. I mean I’m not sure the younger ones will like it quiet as much as Will and the older boys but…” he said holding out a stack of red envelopes in his hand as he smiled.

  
“Oh, you didn’t need to do that Lionel,” Mum said as I felt James stiffen beside me and shift closer into my arm.

  
“It’s ok bud,” I said quietly in his ear even though I could feel my own heart rate increase, “We’re ok he can’t hurt us here.”

  
It took everything in me to stay calm. To stay there with my one arm wrapped around him as he got as close to me as he could his whole little body shivering almost like a tiny animal that was scared to death. I wanted to run as badly as he did. Wanted to be somewhere I didn’t have to look at him, or be near him. Because just looking at him was hard. Knowing that when he looked at me he was thinking about that. About the things I had let him do because I knew better than to say no. Then to embarrass my Da and Uncle.

  
“Well are you going to come grab them love?” Mum said and Catty tugged on my shoulder getting my attention.

  
“What? I’m sorry,” I said trying my best to not space out. To be present and active.

  
Mum laughed lightly, “He can be a bit of a day dreamer,” mum said to him smiling at him.

  
“Oh, there is nothing wrong with that. I was a bit of a dreamer once myself and now look where I am. All of my dreams have come true. I have a great family and vast fortune with good friends. Dreaming is where success begins,” Lionel said, “Why don’t you come here and pass these out for me William?”

  
“Oh,” I said standing up slowly and walking towards him.

  
“Love he’s not going to bite you,” Mum encouraged me.

  
“ _N_ _o, but he might lick my asshole,_ ” I thought in my head as I stalled a few steps in front of him.

  
“It’s ok,” he said holding out the envelopes before I took another two or three steps forward so he could give them to me. His hand brushed against mine as he let them go once they were in my grip. He put his one hand over my shoulder pulling me close for a second, “Don’t open yours now. Wait until later.” He whispered quickly before letting me go.

  
I passed them out quickly avoiding looking at everyone as mum took the last five from me so that the babies didn’t chew on it. I watched everyone open theirs pulling silver cards out of their envelopes covered in glitter opening them up and pulling out some bills.

  
“$300.00?” Pat said out loud.

  
“Patrick my dear boy, don’t give away the surprise,” The leader said laughing lightly.

  
“Oh my,” Mum said her eyes going wide in shock, “Mr. Lord really there’s no need for…”

  
“Nonsense,” he said dismissing her apprehension with the wave of his hand, “I have plenty of money to go around. My own grand kids are the same age. I’m in your lovely home by invitation of you and your husband who have done so much for me. Allow me to show my gratitude please Danielle.”

  
“Well, thank you,” Mum said her face going red as she found herself at a loss of words.

  
It wasn’t like we needed to money. It wasn’t like we needed anything from him. I felt like maybe he was paying us off. Trying to keep me silent especially. From what I understood about Lionel he was particular about who he chose and I happened to be one of those unlucky ones along with James apparently. It made me wonder what was in my envelope and what the whole point was. I kept silent setting my envelope aside.

  
From that point on John kept shooting James and I nervous glances before his eyes scanned the room trying to avoid looking at him. All of us going quite the rest of present opening more subdued it felt like. It might have just been me but things just felt off for the rest of it at that point. Probably his presence throwing everything off. The fact that he kept looking at us and John kept noticing, looking at us too as mum either ignored it or pretended it wasn’t happening. James clinging closely to my side grabbing a fistful of my shirt at my back and holding it tight as if to keep himself calm. As if he was wrapping it around his tiny hand in order to make himself feel safe. Feel not alone.

  
After that point, I remember John along with Pat and Cole volunteering to move presents upstairs while I grabbed Shay in one arm and Held Jamie’s hand as we got into the lift me making sure we went up before anyone else did. I don’t know where mum was or how she got everyone up but by the time I had changed Shay and gotten him down for another nap I found Jamie curled up in my bed the blankets pulled up over his head to hide him biting my pillow to keep his sobs silent.

  
“I know bud,” I said climbing into bed with him, “I know it’s, ok though. We’re safe. He didn’t hurt us ok? We’re safe.”

  
“Why?” he whimpered before I held my arms open allowing him to curl into me hugging me tight.

  
“I don’t know,” I said making sure I took deep slow breaths allowing him to calm down, allowing him to relax into me as I ran a hand comfortingly through his hair, “We’re ok though. I promise. We’re ok right now.”

  
He was even more scared of Lionel then I was. He was just a little boy. Barely in school full time. He didn’t deserve to be this scared of anything but the boogey man in his closet. The idea that someone had made it so he could barely find it in him to actually speak like a normal person hurt me. But I couldn’t fall apart. I wasn’t allowed to. I had to be strong enough for both of us because he couldn’t be strong and he shouldn’t have had to be at all. He was a little boy.

  
His mum was clueless, his Da was letting it happen and his oldest brother, our oldest brother was busy drinking himself into a stupor probably as I laid there trying to get him to calm down, to feel as safe in his own skin as he could at the moment. Me whispering to him quietly until his sobs finally faded to hiccups and his breathing slowed. My hand brushing through his hair softly lulling him to sleep.

  
After I was sure he wouldn’t wake up I went out into the living room to find Pat and Cole playing golden eye with Matt while everyone else ran crazy playing with their new toys, Cat’s new makeup station already set up in a tiny corner of the play room.

  
“Matt come on!” I heard Mike whine pulling on Matt’s sleeve.

  
“After ok?” he said before muttering something I couldn’t understand, “Raxatol ek? Pum waxank te pe zis lidd jed.” (Later ok? I want to do this right now.)

  
“No, now!” Mike whined.

  
“Dib ug peniz chep Pum'rr vaxako ug sung vupp ing!” Matt hissed. (If you don’t stop I’ll make you suck my dick.)

  
“Asskero,” Mike said.

  
“Dude, did you just call your brother an asshole?” Cole asked laughing.

  
“You understood that?” Mike asked raising an eyebrow.

  
“Only a word here or there. Sounds kind of like gibberish but a little different but if it’s like that a lot of people know some of that if they hang out with girls which, I do in case you were wondering. Ellen speaks it hella lot.” Cole said.

  
“Oh,” Mike said, “So does that mean you caught…?” he trailed off.

  
“Only a word or two that and honestly penis doesn’t sound all that different in this case. So, while I don’t know what was said usually if someone says penis they are either calling someone a penis or telling someone to go suck a dick. Which you two aren’t very nice to each other if that’s the case,” Cole said.

  
“He wants to play Mario cart and I told him to wait or he could go suck a dick, yes,” Matt said nonchalantly before punching buttons on the controller in a fury.

  
“You shouldn’t talk to him like that,” I said.

  
“He’s my brother I’ll do what I want,” Matt said before swearing at the TV and passing the controller over to Pat.

  
“Ours. He’s our brother,” I corrected.

  
“He’s my twin,” Matt clarified.

  
“I’m older than you are,” I pointed out.

  
“And I’m older than him,” Matty said.

  
“Be Bruce,” Mike said.

  
Matt stomped his foot lightly and let out a heavy sigh, “Fine. Sorry Will. You’re right ok?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head in agreement not sure what else to do.

  
He was being weird. Were they always like this even at school. These really made me wonder because I couldn’t picture them doing this. But then again, they were in different classes so maybe there were more normal at school than this. The whole thing was weird. Worrisome.

  
I sat down next to Cole who shot me a weird smile before he leaned in close to me, “Are they always this weird?”

  
“Yeah,” I whispered back nodding my head.

  
“So, they are like crazy twins huh?” He asked.

  
“Well Laura and Andy do it too. The language thing. Not sure it’s the same language but, you know it’s like a weird twin thing I guess,” I answered.

  
“Life with them seems fun. Do they usually talk about sucking dicks?” He asked suddenly.

  
“You mean like we do? I have no idea. Not Mike usually but Matt it’s like, I don’t know. Da’s made him weird I think,” I answered.

  
“Hey! I heard that. I’m not weird. I’m just different,” he said.

  
“No, you’re weird,” Mike agreed with me.

  
Matt snorted, “You really want it, don’t you?”

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“Nothing. He’s being mean,” Mike told me and I nodded my head.

  
“Then stop being mean to me,” Matt said.

  
“Do they always fight like this too?” Cole asked me.

  
“Only lately,” I answered.

  
“Because of your dumb ass,” Matt spat turning to look at me.

  
“Oh. I see,” I said, “I think that discussion is for another time.”

  
“I agree,” Matt said nodding his head, “So quit talking about us like we’re not here.”

  
“Sorry,” Cole said sheepishly, “I didn’t mean anything by it really. You guys are just kind of off is all.”

  
“Well, we’re right here. You can talk to us,” Matt said.

  
“He has been,” Mike said.

  
“Talking to you,” Matt corrected Mike, “Not us.”

  
“I’m a part of us. Am I not?” Mike said before shaking his head.

  
“Not that part that counts,” Matt said before Cole shot Matt a dirty look.

  
“Quit being an asshole. He’s your brother, your twin of course he counts. Be nice to him,” Cole said.

  
“Are you really going to let him talk to me like that?” Matt asked looking at me.

  
“Yes,” I said, “I honestly think he has a point. If anyone should count it should be Mike.”

  
“He counts,” Matt said a sneer on his face not reaching his eyes.

  
“Don’t do that,” Mike said shaking his head at Matt, “It’s not funny. Be Bruce.”

  
“Fine,” Matt huffed before stomping his foot, his footsteps echoing as he marched down the hallway.

  
This and everything else made me feel beyond overwhelmed and alone. Matt being weird. Not just towards Mike but Andy too and then mum and John being too busy with everything else. I felt crazy. I knew what was going to happen to me. That I was his now. The leaders, and that it was going to be bad. I thought about what I should do about that. If there was anything I could do about it. How, if it wasn’t me it would be James.

  
He had made that very clear to me. That if it wasn’t me it would my little brother. My six-year-old brother who hadn’t been normal since that night. Who had basically been more or less mute since that night besides words he whispered in my ear. I closed my eyes sighing deeply and leaning back into the couch where I was sitting as I felt the weight shift next to me and opened my eyes to see Cole moving closer to me.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered simply, “I’m fine.”

  
“What about the young one? James?” he asked.

  
“He’s asleep in my room,” I answered.

  
“But he seems to be doing ok?” Cole asked.

  
“As ok as he can be,” I answered.

  
I thought about it. What Cole had said before because of Lionel. How he knew Lionel. How Lionel was like my Da. I wasn’t sure how to word it though. I wasn’t sure how to ask him what Lionel was like, if he really did those things, took his boys places or not. I felt like I needed to know even if I hated knowing. Like knowing would somehow make it easier for me when it finally happened.

  
“What are you thinking about?” Cole asked me after I was silent for a minute or two staring at nothing.

  
“Did he take you to the zoo?” I asked Cole.

  
Cole’s nose wrinkled in confusion for a second before his eyes opened wide in understanding, “Oh…do you want to talk somewhere private? I mean we can talk about it here it’s up to you but…”

  
“Jamie’s room I guess,” I said quietly nodding my head.

  
“Ok,” Cole said standing up, “Hey Pat?”

  
Cole looked at Pat who seemed to be completely immersed in the video game he was playing his body moving with the controller him even crouching a little in his seat as his character on the screen crouched behind some boxes, “Yeah?” Pat asked without looking away from the screen.

  
“I’m going to go talk to Will for a couple of minutes,” he told Pat.

  
“Ok man,” Pat answered before he swore under his breath as someone on the screen shot at him causing his character to dunk behind the boxes again.

  
“Lead the way,” Cole gestured with his hand for me to walk down the hall in front of him.

  
When I opened the door and sat down at the desk chair I noticed Cole looking around the room before he muttered, “Man I wish my room had been this awesome when I was six.”

  
“Yeah, we’re kind of spoiled a little bit,” I said.

  
“Yeah but it’s awesome. I mean you guys got a new play station for god sakes and a new Nintendo too. I mean dude that’s awesome. Pat is going to want to be here all the time just because of that,” Cole said.

  
I smiled, “You think that’s the only reason?”

  
“Oh, yeah I caught that too. Should we say something to them?” Cole asked.

  
“I don’t know I think it’s kind of funny to watch. I don’t even think they realize it yet,” I answered.

  
“I honestly didn’t think either of them went that way,” Cole said laughing lightly, “I mean I’m supposed to be the gay one. But Pat the way his eyes lit up when they looked at each other. And here I thought Pat was like dead straight the way he messes around with Dee.”

  
“Dee?” I asked.

  
“Delia. She’s a friend of ours. Well, like Pat’s gf I guess, kind of. As close to one as he’s allowed to have anyway. But yeah, I’ve only seen him ever look at one other person kind of like that and it’s Dee. But that was…”

  
“Intense?” I finished his sentence and he nodded his head, “They’ll figure it out eventually I think but I almost feel like letting them both in on it. It’s kind of funny to watch.”

  
“If you say so,” I said.

  
“So…. we’re in here to talk about the leader?” Cole asked me, “Because he’s sleeping in your bed?”

  
“Yeah,” I said as Cole laid down on Jamie’s bed looking at the white sails custom made for his pirate ship footboard.

  
“What do you want to know about him?” Cole asked.

  
“He said he wanted to take me to the zoo,” I answered, “Like…will he really do that or like?”

  
“You mean is it code for something?” Cole asked looking at me for a second and I nodded my head, “Well,” he sighed sitting up and crossing his legs yoga style, “I was only one of his “boys” for like a year maybe. After my Dad got back into the brotherhood stuff. So, I don’t have a lot of experience with him. Not as much as some other guys but he’ll really take you to the zoo and stuff. It’s weird. Like he won’t be like touchy with you while you’re there in public and usually on the way too he’s trying to get you to calm down because he knows your anxiety to sky high because if you’re Dad is anything like my Dad used to be he does shit all the time and it doesn’t matter where you are. So, Lionel, he’s trying to get you to calm down enough that you don’t draw attention to you two.”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked quietly.

  
“He’ll try to get you to talk. If you’re calm enough already he’ll take you to like Denny’s to eat on the way there, someplace not too fancy. If you can’t calm down and just relax he’ll do McD’s drive through. Usually he’ll take a limo since it’s a four-hour drive there and back. He’ll put a movie on and watch it with you. You know just do things to kind of loosen you up because if you can’t be calm people start to pay attention to you and then notice that you don’t look anything like him and he’s older and you seem uncomfortable and they’ll start to ask questions. Which is something he doesn’t want. So, he’ll be nice on the way there. Keep his hands to himself that type of stuff. It’s really only on the way back that you have to really worry about that stuff if you know what I mean.” Cole told me.

  
“Really?”

  
Cole was quiet for a moment before he nodded his head looking past me at something on the wall behind my head, “Yeah.”

  
“Was it scary?” I asked him.

  
“He’s always pretty scary to be honest. How many times has he…I mean if you’re ok telling me that. You don’t have to,” Cole said.

  
I wanted to tell him but I found I couldn’t get the number out past my lips my tongue not able to push the number forward. I held up my hand showing him four fingers like a toddler when you asked them how old they were. I waited quietly not sure I wanted to see the look on his face. To see how gross he thought I was for letting it happen not just once or twice but, four times. He sighed loudly.

  
“Fuck, he’s a pervert. You’re what 10?” Cole asked me quietly and I nodded my head, “I’m sorry. And he’s claiming you?”

  
“Yes,” I managed to squeak before I started crying slamming my hand over my mouth trying to keep myself silent.

  
“Oh, it’s ok,” he assured me, “it’s not your fault. You didn’t do this ok? You’re not asking for it. You don’t want it and it’s not your fault.”

  
“Then why…?” I started to ask before I felt him hug me tightly.

  
“It’s not your fault,” he repeated, “I know it feels that way but none of this is your fault. I know I believed it was for a long time. Especially when it first started. It was hard for anyone to convince me it wasn’t something I did. But it really isn’t Will. You aren’t doing this. This isn’t on you. It’s on them. I promise you that’s the truth no matter what they say. Ok?”

  
He held me for a minute or two allowing me to calm down and stop crying. Allowing me to decide when I was ready to pull away not forcing me to stay in his arms but letting me push him away gently and him letting go sitting back down on Jamie’s bed watching me.

  
“Thank you,” I said quietly and he nodded his head.

  
“I feel like I know tons about you but, like you know nothing about me,” he said smiling lightly at me.

  
“No, you told me about Justin the first day I met you,” I said to him.

  
“Yeah but all of this, everyone knows that your Dad started hurting you guys when you were younger and stuff but, I feel like you don’t know anything about my Dad or…” he said before I cut him off.

  
“Your Dad is with Hank. He uses threats. He huh…” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“He hits. But no, I mean like how this shit all started. My dad was born into it kind of. Like it was a thing my grandpa did sometimes starting when my Dad was like 12. When my grandpa found out he first might be…you know. Gay. So, he wanted him to know what it felt like to be someone’s bitch. Is what my Dad said my Grandpa told him. So, he like never touched him himself but gave him to a friend that did that. That was in the brotherhood. He eventually ran away at 17 and then went off to college where he met my mom. They got married when they were 23 and tried and then finally had me. When I was nine she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and given a poor prognosis. It was all through her lymph system and it was weird because she was so young she was only 33. Within 6 months she was gone.

  
The night of her funeral he started drinking and basically ignoring me. So, I was like almost 10 and basically on my own. He’d go out with friends or sit at home in his recliner and drink all night and then wouldn’t wake up again until like 4pm and immediately start drinking again. He lost his job and went on unemployment. They told him to get help and then he found a friend. Eventually this friend was dragging him home at 3am every morning because he was too drunk to stand. One night the sound of them coming in woke me up and I had to pee so I got up to use the bathroom and his friend walked in on me on accident I think. But anyway, the next morning they were both awake as I was getting ready for school and I overheard his friend say that from behind he almost thought I was a girl. That I was pretty for a boy. From that point on I remember feeling weird around him. His name is Tony but anyway.

  
After a while he started staying overnight all the time. One night after he threw my dad on the couch to sleep it off again he came upstairs and he…he did things to me. I told my dad the next afternoon when I got a chance and he said it was because I walked around like a fucking slut every weekend in my PJ’s with no shirt. That Tony found it confusing. That he found it confusing and if I didn’t stop he might slip up one day too. One night, I don’t know if it was because he was drunk enough or Horny or what him and Tony woke me up and they…did things to me together. Tony then told my dad he wasn’t really into guys and they quit hanging out but Dad kept doing things. Then Tony hooked him up with some friends who…well brotherhood. And here I am I guess. It eventually got to the point where he got sober and got his job back and he didn’t need to be drunk of hurt me anymore he just did it.”

  
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

  
I wasn’t sure what else to say. It sounded horrible. Him losing his mother in every sense of the word and then shortly after losing his dad emotionally. Him being left to take care of himself and then be betrayed by his dad who started raping him and then gave him to other people to rape. It sounded like a nightmare.

  
“It’s not your fault. But yeah once he was in the brotherhood after my branding Lionel noticed me. I didn’t know what anything was back then and I thought it was just an old dude taking me to the zoo for the fun of it. I wasn’t even really freaked out about it because I didn’t think it would like that. I don’t know why I didn’t think that but anyway. So, the ride there was ok. He paid for a private tour even and I got to feed the lemurs and what not and then on the way home he turned on a movie like he had before. He kept scooting closer and closer and then his hand was in my lap and then he just…yeah. I was his for a year. That first time though after my branding it was that trip. So, I don’t like thinking about it really. About any of it. Because you would think he’d be too busy but whenever he was in town he found time to see me so once every two weeks he’d take me to do something fun and then…” Cole trailed off.

  
“So, it’s what I thought then? Something fun comes at a price?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

  
“You can’t avoid it. If you tell him you don’t want to go he’ll just rape you anyway. So, you might as well enjoy the perks of it. The toys and games and trips to the arcade or zoo because it’s going to happen. If he has his eye on you it’s going to happen and there is nothing you can do to stop him. I wish I could tell you something that…if you act more interested which at your age would be hard to do anyway he’ll lose interest faster but otherwise I don’t have any advice I can give you other then don’t say no or any of those type of things because he’ll get pissed and tell your Dad and then you’ll be in huge trouble,” Cole told me.

  
“Yeah, my Da is not a nice guy when he gets mad. He’d hate it if I embarrassed him in front of his boss,” I said before I heard something loud out in the hallway and opened to door to check and see what it was.

  
Andy had somehow gotten out of his bedroom and was trying to play with one of those fisher price toy cars using his feet to propel it down the hallway smiling happily and honking the horn. I sighed and turned to look back at Cole who was standing close behind me.

  
“Andy bud, you can’t do that. You don’t play with this in the house,” I told him making him stop and opening up the door, “You need to stop.”

  
“No mine,” he told me.

  
“No. Out,” I said not letting go of the car, “And if you run over my foot I’m going to be mad.” I warned him.

  
“But it’s mine,” he told me quietly stepping out of the car and folding his arms over his chest as he stared at his feet grumpily.

  
“Later ok?” I told him.

  
“Fine,” he said pouting as he wandered away down the hallway.

  
“They keep you busy, don’t they?” Cole asked when I turned to see him watching from Jamie’s bedroom door.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head before going back into the room and shutting the door again as he sat back down on the bed.

  
“My Dad is the same way by the way. Hates being embarrassed by people he thinks matter. He’s always been that way. When I was six my mom stopped him from spanking me bloody once because I told my teacher he enjoyed wine when asked what his favorite drink was for Father’s Day,” Cole shared.

  
“Well, if he likes wine that doesn’t mean he drinks it all the time just that he likes it,” I said.

  
“Right? That was totally my logic too but nope. He thought I was calling him a drunk and telling my teacher all about it. Mum was the only thing that stopped him. It was awful. But he has this horrible temper,” Cole said.

  
“Da, I’ve only seen him like really mad a couple of times and it’s usually at Ben. Ben isn’t very nice usually. Now he has a temper,” I told Cole.

  
“That I can believe. I don’t know Ben that well but I know him well enough to know he works hard and plays harder if you know what I mean,” Cole said.

  
“Not really,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Well at the Villa that’s more like “playtime” for them and lessons are more work. I’ve never had lessons from him but he spends a lot of time in the back room at the villa and he uses whips and paddles and restraints. I once saw him use a mesh cage which basically makes it so the person inside it can’t move. It’s not fun.” Cole explained.

  
“He cracked my skull a couple months back. It was after I first met you I think. I didn’t have permission from him to leave the house and he like flipped out and threw me into the wall. At first him and Da thought I was fine and then I remember getting super dizzy and throwing up. So, they took me to the hospital. It was tiny skull fracture and concussion but, it was still there,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“That sounds like a massive headache,” Cole commented it.

  
“Yeah, it didn’t feel good. Usually nothing he does…,” I cleared my throat.

  
“Wait, I heard a rumor he was your contract? Did it get dissolved?” Cole asked.

“I have no idea but Da sent him away and now Lionel is taking me to the zoo,” I answered.

  
“Which is why you asked the question,” Cole said and I nodded my head in response, “Is there anything else you want to know about him. Anything else that you think you’re ready to hear?”

  
My stomach jumped into my throat. Ready to hear? What did that mean? That it got worse? What could possibly be worse than some old crusty dude humping me after a day at the zoo trying to get me to relax? Did I really want to know the answer to that?  
“What else is there to know?” I asked quietly not sure I wanted to find out.

  
“You know what? Let’s leave it where it is for now. It’s new, this thing he has with you so you probably have some time. So just get used to him ok? You’ve been with him four times so I’m sure you have an idea of what he likes so we’ll leave it there ok?” Cole told me giving my shoulder a small squeeze, “Why don’t we head back out and see if Mike finally talked those two into switching over to Mario?”

  
“Sure,” I said smiling at the idea, “Mike couldn’t talk Matt into putting on shoes to go outside though. Just so you’re aware.”

  
“I had a feeling that was probably the case but you never know,” Cole said.

  
Sure, enough when we walked past Andy who was staring at his car sullenly we heard the sounds of Golden eye still playing from the TV. I only sat down for a few minutes before I realized how close it was to noon and that maybe I should put a snack together and feed the babies and I excused myself silently while everyone else was preoccupied with the tv.

  
I wasn’t looking forward to dinner. I knew they would all be there again and I didn’t want them to be. It was hard enough having to sit through opening presents. Having to sit there and watch everyone’s eyes on me as he told me not to open my envelope and everyone wondering why. Even though it seemed like almost everyone had forgotten about it by now. Even I had almost forgotten about it the thing still closed sitting on my desk in my bedroom where Jamie was still sound asleep in my bed. I sighed pulling a tray of fruit and cheese out of the fridge that was already premade and pulling the cling wrap off it before setting it on the counter.

  
“Snacks on the counter,” I crowed looking at the living room before I decided to go check on the babies walking down the hallway and nearly running into John as he turned towards my direction catching me by surprise. It was only noon it was early for him to be up again. Usually on a normal day without school he didn’t wake up until around two or three and he was usually already tipsy if not already drunk by that point.

  
“You ok?” I asked him.

  
He frowned at me before shaking his head slightly and tilting it to each side a slight crack going through his neck each time he did it before he shrugged, “I’ll live with myself,” he answered a dopy look on his face.

  
He was already wasted. He had to be. There was no question about it. His eyes looked slightly blood shot but not too bad. I knew it could be from a number of things but the look on his face, how he smiled and almost laughed as I got on my tip toes to make absolutely sure that I was seeing what I was seeing told me he was closer to drunk than sober and he had just woken up.

  
“Yeah. You should stop that,” I told him becoming flat footed again and backing up.

  
“What?” he smiled slyly at me.

  
I snorted in frustration, “You know what. It’s bad and you know it.”

  
He frowned at me slightly silent for a minute, “Yeah well. We can’t all shove our heads in books and be ok Will,” he hissed at me before clearing his throat sheepishly, “sorry.”

  
It felt like a stab. He was judging me for escaping the only way I could. The only way that made sense. I couldn’t very well do what he was doing or what mum was doing.

  
If I did Matt would be attacking everyone behind mum’s back. Making sure everyone else was hurting just as bad as we were. I couldn’t let that happen. It wasn’t a luxury I had. I didn’t just have to deal with Mum and John and making sure they took care of us. I also had to keep Da away and keep Matty from turning into a person like the person Da was or Ben was. I didn’t have any choices.

  
“Yeah,” I said quietly before I turned away, “Snacks in the upstairs kitchen.” I said to him before going to my room and shutting the door as I felt that stone in my throat tighten.

  
I was tired. Super tired and anxious and sad. I was sad because there wasn’t anything I could do to make this better. To make them just leave already. And anxious because I was afraid of what they were going to do that night. Because they had hurt someone just about every night they’d been there. And I was tired of keeping up with everyone. Of being the only one that was even attempting to do so. And then I was angry. Angry that I was left to make sure everything stayed as ok as it could when I knew it wasn’t my job. That it shouldn’t be my job.

 

I noticed James was still sound asleep and sighed allowing myself to relax as my tears subsided. As I started to breathe again. That’s when I saw it. The red envelope sitting on my desk where I had left it. I took it in my hands turning it over a couple of times. I looked at it carefully. I remember thinking if maybe I examined it long enough it would tell me what was inside it without me having to open it. Without me having to break the seal and reveal its contents. Finally after another minute or two I opened it Wrapped inside a letter were a couple of 100 dollar bills. I counted five and then I read the letter. My throat feeling dry half way through.

  
“William,  
I have enjoyed our time together. I want to spend more time with you. I want to get to know you. I enjoy the look of your eyes how green they are, how they sparkle. I enjoy you in ways I didn’t think I would. Usually I like my boys to be younger you see? Shorter, but somehow your height suits you making you lithe and delicate. I would love to see you laugh, smile. Love to hear you giggle as I touch you, every inch of you. Maybe that’s something we can aim for one day? My tongue on your skin as you laugh and caress my head? As you tell me I’m yours and that you are completely mine. Right now, I realize I can only dream but, we’ll have time and maybe that’s all we need. I want to know you little one. All of you. What do you say?  
Hopefully yours,  
Lionel.

I felt like I wanted to cry.my face feeling hot. So that’s why he didn’t want me to open it in front of anyone. Not even the fact that there was more money in mine than anyone else’s but more because he’d written me a letter. A love letter. Why? Why? I remember that being the only thing I could think as I crushed it in my hands turning it into a ball and then chucking it at my waste basket. Why? I hated him. I hated all of them why did they like me? Why did he like me? Why?

  
“Willy?” I heard his tiny voice from the bed and turned to see him, “Are you ok?”

  
“Yeah,” I said trying to make my expression blank, “Yeah I’m ok. Are you?”

  
“Are they leaving?” he asked me.

  
“Not until later. Probably not until tomorrow,” I answered him honestly.

  
“I want him to leave,” he told me.

  
“Me too,” I barely managed before I hid my face in my hands.

  
Why would he do that? Why? It wasn’t like I had a choice. It wasn’t like my Da would give me one. I was his. His to do whatever he wanted with when he was with me. How could he think…did he really expect me to…to like it one day? Would that really happen? It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair.

  
“It’s ok,” Jamie said before I felt his little arms go around my neck, “I don’t like it either.”

  
“I’m just tired,” I told him.

  
“I know. It’s ok to be tired. Maybe you should nap,” he told me making me smile lightly.

  
“That sounds like it might be a good idea.”

  
“It helped me feel a little better. My butt and tummy don’t hurt anymore,” he told me.

  
“That’s good,” I said.

  
“Does your tummy hurt when they do that?” he asked me suddenly.

  
I nodded my head opening my eyes now that I wasn’t tearing up anymore, “Yeah it’s pretty normal from what I understand,” I answered.

  
“It feels like I have to poop but then nothing will come out,” he told me.

  
“Sometimes yeah,” I answered, “You want to go play with your toys now?”

  
“Yeah,” he told me.

  
“Ok, go on I’ll be there in a minute.”

  
“Ok,” he said, “Willy?”

  
“Yeah bud?” I asked him.

  
“I love you. Thank you for taking care of me. I know I’m being weird but I don’t… I don’t want him to hear,” he said.

  
“Hear what?” I asked him.

  
“Me speak. He said…he said he wanted to hear me and I don’t want him to,” James told me.

  
I smiled and nodded my head in understanding. So, his brain took that literally. Thinking that the leader could hear him no matter what he said or who he said it to. Almost like how the first time Da had ever told me I had to be really quiet in order to be good I didn’t speak for about a week. Not that mum noticed or John but I still remembered that.

  
“Ok well, he can’t hear you if he’s not in the room ok? You’re allowed to talk to whoever you want to and he can’t hear you if he’s not there. I promise,” I told him.

  
“But what about the com?” he asked.

  
He was talking about the intercom system that we had so we didn’t have to yell back and forth through the house and mum and Da could talk to us when they were on different levels and we were all upstairs. It was possible he could hear him then but only if someone was pushing the button to speak to someone else in another room and he was there.

  
“You have to push the button for someone to be able to hear you through the com bud. They can’t just hear you whenever they want you have control over that. Or John and I do anyway you’re too short to reach the button. And he has to be in the other room with mum or Da in order for him to be able to hear you so don’t worry about that. He can’t hear you if he’s not here I promise,” I explained.

  
“Really?” he asked again.

  
“Really,” I said.

  
“Ok,” he said, “I’m going to go get dressed and then I’m going to…”

  
“Well after you get dressed you can eat a snack,” I said, “I have to go take care of the babies and then I’ll be back.”

  
“Ok,” he said and opened the bedroom door nearly running into mum.

  
“Hi there bud why are you in your PJ’s still?” She asked him.

  
“I have to go change,” he told her.

  
“He just woke up,” I informed her.

  
“Oh well, go on then,” she said letting him leave, “Did he sleep in your bed?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered her, “He’s kind of…”

  
“Did your Da…?” she trailed off.

  
“Do you really want to know?” I asked her.

  
“I can’t believe he would do that with guest here. His boss here,” she said a look of disgust on her face, “he’s only wee. Why would he…I’m sorry love. I’ll talk to Jamie about leaving you alone.”

  
“He’s fine mum,” I told her, “Did you come to ask for help?”

  
“Yes actually,” she said, “I was wondering if you would feed Mac and make sure Andy and Lar eat their supper. It’s finished so I brought up their plates in case we run late with things because apparently your Da is in a meeting with Mr. Lord. What is so important it can’t wait until after the holiday is over I have no idea but it seems to really be important.”

  
“Sounds boring,” I said and she laughed.

  
“I suppose to you it would be boring. I’m sure one day you’ll understand something about it,” she said as we walked down the hallway.

  
I grabbed Laura and took her to use the bathroom which she did and then helped her get dressed and made sure she ate her food as she chatted away to me. By the time they were finished eating and almost everyone had snacked to their hearts content it wasn’t long until mum told us it was time to head downstairs to dinner.

  
I remember feeling weird as I put on my supper clothes mum apparently wanting to take a couple of pictures of us at the table together. We all laughed as Pat stuck his tongue out for a few and Cole decided to hang a spoon off his nose while John snuck Bunny ears on Matt which caused him to frown heartily before we took some where we actually just smiled at the camera. A couple minutes later our Da came down with Hank and Arthur along with the leader who got a seat of honor on Da’s left while mum sat on his right.

  
The babies were downstairs with us because it didn’t take them as long as mum thought it would and I remember the sitting order very well for some reason with Arthur sitting next to mum and Hank sitting next to Mr. Lord. Cole ended up sitting next to his Dad while John sat next to Hank and then Matt sat next to him with Mike across from Matt. Next was me sitting next to Matt and Pat sitting next to Mike and then James sat next to me with Cat opposite him with Andy and Laura opposite each other and Mac opposite Mary while Seamus was at the other end of the table.

  
Da said grace and then we all dug in before mum asked Da a question, “So did you figure out whatever it was you were working on?”

  
“Oh yes, Dani girl don’t worry about it. It’s all sorted and I have some more news,” Da said, “That is if Lionel doesn’t want to share.”

  
“Well what is it? You have me intrigued,” Mum said.

  
“Well, I’m running a mentorship through the company to take promising young minds usually between the ages of 14 and 18 and giving them opportunities to see what it’s like to run something in the office. William seems like he’d be well suited for the program. So, if it’s all right with you and your husband I was wondering if he would like to start coming to office after school on Fridays and learning some aspects about running a company,” Lionel told her, “What do you think?”

  
“William?” she asked me.

  
I didn’t know what to say. If I said no it would make them both angry and then mum suspicious and it would cause problems so I just nodded my head, “I’m not sure how fun it will be but I’ll try it. I mean it’s for the future, right? So, I know things that can help me.”

  
“Such a smart young man,” Lionel said as both him and Da beamed at me.

  
“He is. He’s a very bright child for his age that’s why they skipped him a grade. He seems to always be aware that things might be boring to him now but he’ll find them useful in the future,” she said, “What I don’t understand is why you are moving your company down here. You seem very successful in New York,” Mum said before she looked at John frowning, “Are you ok?”

  
John coughed into his hand and smiled, “Yeah. I just need a drink.” he said grabbing his glass and taking a drink of water.

  
He needed a drink like I needed this dinner. He was drunk. Anyone could see he was fucking drunk.

  
“I’m not moving the company down here Mrs. McGregor. I’m starting a branch down here which your husband will manage for me. I mean this is a lovely place. No doubt about that and the commute isn’t too bad but I have to admit the jet lag does get to me after a while. I have a good number of contacts here so it only makes sense to open up a branch here,” he said looking at mum as he cut into a piece of his turkey, “Your husband has the skills I require. In fact, he was recommended to me by one of my clients that lives here. I manage their hedge fund for them.”

  
“So, you don’t plan to take my husband away?” She asked with a joking tone.

  
“Oh, not at all. I mean there might be a trip or two to New York in his future. Hopefully over the summer William will come with him a time or two and I might have to have one of the company pent houses up in your name for when he does come but, most of the time I’ll be making trips here to see what’s going on but your husband,” he said before lifting his wine glass in Da’s direction and taking a sip, “Will be my eyes and ears here in Florida.”

  
A trip to New York? What? With Da? Him and Da? They couldn’t. They wouldn’t. They wouldn’t make me…he said he wouldn’t take me away from home. That was away from home though. New York wasn’t home. Da really wouldn’t let him. Would he?

  
“I don’t think there’s any need for that,” Mum said wrinkling her nose as she herself took a drink.

  
“Oh nonsense,” Mr. Lord replied to her wiping at his face daintily with a napkin, “I want to make sure my top guys are well taken care of and have all the comforts of home that I can offer them when they travel. I mean that little pent house won’t fit your whole family but, it’s just something small for when he has to be up there more than a day. I myself have a vacation home here but being on my own now that my wife has passed I usually rent it out to other vacationers when I’m not in town.”

  
“Well of course,” Mum said, “I mean that only makes sense.”

  
I saw a look flash cross mum’s face as she glanced at all the young faces at the table. I couldn’t tell what she was seeing but maybe she was picking up on the anxiety some of us were feeling. Or probably all of us were feeling. She caught eyes with Arthur.  
“Mr. Gable? Can you vouch for my husband’s new boss and keep him out of trouble when he’s not with me?” she asked him.

  
“I think your husband keeps me out of trouble honestly. That and with my new position since I’m moving to CPS full time I don’t think so but, I know your husband well and you have nothing to worry about,” Arthur told her.

  
“You?” Mum asked laughing lightly, “But you’re such a gentleman.”

  
Cole made a noise as he started choking on his drink and rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue making a face like he was pretending to gag causing me to hide my mouth with my hand as I tried to my best to keep chewing without laughing or choking on my bite of potatoes before John jumped about a foot in the air sending his fork clattering to his plate and nearly knocking his water over into Matt’s food.

  
“Are you ok?” Matt and Mike both chirped at him in unison.

  
“I-,” he paused like he was trying to think of an excuse quick his brain not working as fast as it should because he was drunk the fear in his eyes evident as they nearly bugged out of his head in panic, “I thought I saw a bug. Sorry,” he finished.

  
Good try but I wasn’t sure anyone believed him “Yeah. It’s a bug all right,” I said grabbing Cole’s attention causing him to smile at me. I felt my face flush slightly.

  
“And what’s the supposed to mean?” Mum asked me her voice stern, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you two but hash it out later. This is not the time nor place.”

  
“Sorry mum,” I said quietly dragging my fork through my potatoes.

  
“Sorry,” I heard John mumble as mum shook her head.

  
“Boys,” she sighed, “Do you have nearly as much trouble with your boys? Arthur? Hank?” she asked causing both Pat and Cole to stop and look down the table at her.

  
“I don’t know,” Arthur said shrugging his shoulders, “I mean boys will be boys after all.”

  
“Girls a much easier,” Hank said, “I had a lot easier time with Karen when she was this age then I’m having with him. I’m hoping with time it will pass. All those hormones they have moving around in there you know?” Hank said smiling before he ruffled John’s hair. John was frozen still sitting next to him like he had gotten shocked. Pat clenching his teeth tightly in a fake smile that screamed venom at his father.

  
Even from early on anyone that paid close enough attention could tell they had feelings for each other. Even if they were just feelings of friendship they were strong. The way one’s eyes lit up as the other looked at him. The way they both smiled constantly like they shared some secret no one else was privy to. It was obvious that they had a mutual crush on each other. Something that I’m surprised only Cole and I noticed and not everyone else.

  
“Well, that’s something to look forward to. However, if I remember my youth I gave my parents a hard time around 16 or so,” Mum said eating some beans.

  
“Didn’t we all though?” Mr. Lord laughed, “Even in my day, which I am slightly older than all of you fine folk here and practically ancient compared to these kids. We gave our parents a hard time.”

  
“Probably literally,” Pat barely mumbled before taking a bite of food causing Matt to stare at his head in shock him being the only one who had probably heard him very clearly while Cole smiled and winked at me as he made a lude gesture with his fist to the side of his mouth as he pretended to cough.

  
They were bold, that’s for sure. I remember thinking then that Cole was amazing. Like I had thought he was cute and attractive before but he seemed to be everything I wished I could be. He wasn’t afraid to be himself fuck the consequences of it all. Fuck what everyone else thought. He wasn’t afraid to speak his mind or break the rules. Their rules. He wanted to live and really live and not just survive.

  
Mum coughed lightly into her napkin before taking a drink as she turned sideways and leaned back in her chair to get a better angle of Pat in her vison as if to shoot him a curious glance, “So, is everyone spending the night again?” Mum asked looking at Da.  
“Yeah, I think so. I think everyone is going to leave sometime early in the morning,” he said.

  
“Yes, that’s my plan for sure,” Mr. Lord said, “I have to go back home and there is nothing like New York at Christmas. Maybe you two could stop and visit. Join me for the New Year. What do you say Danielle?”

  
He was asking mum to go to New York on new year’s? But why? It didn’t make any sense in my brain. Why would he want mum and Da to be with him while we were all here? I mean I was thankful I wasn’t going to be there or at least that’s how it seemed but still, it felt weird. Off.

  
“Well,” Mum said like she was really thinking about it, “That’s very generous but, I do have many little people that tend to go just about everywhere with me.”

  
“You know you could, it’s only a three-hour commute and I could lend you my private jet. You would be gone a total of 8 hours maybe. Most of the little ones would be in bed and I’m sure you could get someone to sit,” he said, “I would show you a wonderful night. You and your husband both. If I don’t steal you away that is,” he smiled and winked at her before taking a sip of wine.

  
“I’ll see if I can talk her into it,” Da said smiling at mum, “She does need a night off.”

  
“You all gave me the night off last night. Remember?” She pointed out.

  
Little did she know someone had drugged her the night before so they could take some of us downstairs and rape us. Only so he could come back upstairs and do things to me. Because hurting James wasn’t enough and hurting me wasn’t enough he had to hurt both of us. He had to…I felt my throat tighten.

  
“Yes, but a night away from home where you’re not in bed just you and I might be nice for a change,” Da said reaching out and grabbing her hand, “Come on Dani girl. It’s a one-time thing, just one night. Think about it?”

  
I wondered why he was being so nice to her. I was a smart kid but I didn’t understand the logic of what he was doing. Why he enjoyed having sex with mum and then still enjoyed having sex with John and me and everyone else.

  
“That’s the spirit Connor, find your old spark. Put some of the flame back in your love life? It’s settled!” Mr. Lord said rubbing his hands together excitedly, “You two can take my jet to the city for New year’s. Enjoy some private time together on the town and then we’ll meet up to ring in the new year?” he asked.

  
“That sounds like an idea,” Da agreed.

  
“Oh, all right,” Mum said quietly, “Just this once though and home before the babies wake up? Speaking of I have to start getting them ready for bed.” She said before she got up from the table holding her plate heading towards the kitchen, “Don’t hurry on my account everyone.”

  
“No, no rush however I am stuffed,” Mr. Lord said before he briefly glanced at me, “I’m not sure I even have room for desert. I’ll have to wait until later. It was a wonderful meal thank you. You are a wonderful hostess.”

  
“Me too,” Hank added as John shot out of his seat like a cannon ball out of a cannon and started clearing plates. Taking Mike’s causing Mike to frown at him even though he didn’t say anything to let John know he wasn’t done eating.

  
“Oh, honey you don’t have to do that,” Mum said turning to see John starting to gather dishes.

  
“Your mums right. Why don’t you all go upstairs and hang out? I’ll help mum with the dishes ok boys?” Da said taking the plates from John as John frowned at him in confusion but shrugged his shoulders before he nodded in agreement, “Mum do you need help putting everyone down?” John asked shifting his weight uneasily from foot to foot as he watched Hank nervously out of the corner of his eye.

  
“No John it’s ok,” she said smiling at him as she finally went into the kitchen, “Go hang out with your friends.”

  
John quickly left the room. At that as I stood up getting ready to follow mum into the kitchen just me Matt and Mike left sitting at the table with the little ones as Hank and Arthur got up and left the room as well before Da grabbed my plate, “Why don’t you sit down? I’ll bring out some pie ok?”

  
“I…” I started to say I was full too because I was. My stomach felt weird. Having to sit with them made my stomach feel weird.

  
“Just sit down, relax,” Mr. Lord said to me making me stop.

  
This wasn’t going to be like the night before, was it? Where he made me sit next to him and talk about myself? Where I got all tongue tied and scared because I didn’t know what to say or do. I felt my body freeze in place.

  
“I don’t know why you’re so scared of him,” Matt said, “I think Mr. Lord is nice.”

  
“Well thank you Matthew,” he said before standing up and coming over to me grabbing both of my hands gently, “Come on, it’s ok.”

  
This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t freeze up like this not in front of James, not in front of Mike and Matt. This was bad, I needed to get it together. I managed to sit down numbly in the seat where Arthur had been sitting before when mum came back into the room, “Are we ready for desert?” She asked everyone.

  
“You know what? I’m actually feeling kind of full right now as I said before but, I will be sure to have some before I leave,” Lionel said standing up, “I think I might retire to my room for a while if that’s all right with you.”

  
“Of course. You are our guest after all,” Mum said, “What about you boys?”

  
“I want some,” Mike said as James nodded his head.

  
Both Matt and I stood up me not really saying anything but following Matt. I don’t know why I did but I didn’t want to be in that room any longer. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him any longer and I figured if I beat him to the door he wouldn’t ask me to go upstairs with him. Because I didn’t want to go upstairs with him. I knew no one could protect me from him but mum didn’t know what was going on and while no one really knew at the time I knew John wouldn’t allow him to be alone with me. Even if he was drunk he wouldn’t allow that knowing what he was like. And I knew Cole would make sure I stayed somewhat safe so I left going off to find them in hopes that maybe they would keep him away from me.

  
I walked out into the hall and heard Pat ask if he was talking to Matt and then said, “Ok Matt. If you’re mom knew she wouldn’t be very happy I’m pretty sure and the she would get angry and I know if your dad is anything like mine he would get angry back. So, I’m assuming he would probably hit her or hurt her in some other way that’s why John isn’t saying anything. He’s trying to protect your mom. You shouldn’t say anything about it either you understand?” Pat asked him.

  
“it’s not my place to say anything anyway. He’s not doing anything to me,” Matt replied, “it’s still stupid though, you realize that? Mum just wants to keep us safe.”

  
“Haven’t you noticed she can’t?” John asked Matt quietly.

  
“She tries. She might be better able to if you all told her what was going on,” Matt pointed out.

  
“Matt, she can’t handle it,” John said.

  
“What do you mean she can’t handle it? She’s mum she would do anything to protect us,” he pointed out.

  
I was watching his body language. He seemed upset. I’m not sure why but he seems like he was getting angry and confused which was always when he stopped being Bruce, stopped being normal and I didn’t want people to see him as not normal. Because while he weirded me out he was still my little brother and I still loved him. I wanted to protect him and doing that was trying to make him stay more normal.

  
“Can I tell him?” I asked John as everyone turned to look at me as I joined them on the steps.

  
“Tell him what?” John asked me looking around at everyone who was listening.

  
“About why mum was hiding for a couple of days?” I pointed out.

  
His face paled with understanding him shaking his head slightly as he looked at me, “I’d prefer you didn’t.”

  
“You mean while Karen was watching us and John was in the hospital?” Matt asked me and I nodded my head.

  
I sighed before folding my arms over my chest. How was he supposed to understand if he didn’t know what was going on. He was just a kid sometimes things needed to be explained in order for him to get what was happening. Especially Matt because his brain didn’t work like a normal brain did. He needed things spelled out otherwise he didn’t understand them.

  
“He needs it explained,” I pointed out, “Don’t you think he deserves to know why he can’t tell her anything and why we won’t?”

  
“Wait what’s up?” Pat asked looking at me and then frowning at John in confusion.

  
“Well, mum locked herself in a guest bedroom last week for about three days because…” John interrupted me.

  
“Will don’t you dare!”

  
“Da showed her a tape,” I said glaring at John daring him to stop me from saying it, “A tape of him with John.”

  
He went quiet his face turning red as he glared at me. I thought for a second he was going to hit me his whole body seemed to be shaking with rage as Matt looked at John intently cocking his head to the side as if he was seeing something odd or out of place that didn’t make sense watching John carefully.

  
“Will…” was all John managed to say shaking his head slowly at me his hands clenching and unclenching into fist at his sides.

  
“He deserved to know,” I pointed out, “One day Da might show mum a video of him. You don’t know.”

  
Cole came down the hallway from the bathroom and walked up the stairs past us touching Matt’s shoulder gently, “Hey, Will, Matt, want to take me upstairs and play Mario bros with me?” he asked us both?

  
“You want to throw my shit around Will?” John asked me quietly his eyes giving me a death stare, unblinking, “I could tell him some shit too want to see?”

  
Pat coughed shifting his weight awkwardly as he looked at us, “Come on guys. Cool it. John, let’s go upstairs and hang. We’ll chill away from the kids all right?”

  
“So, I’m kid a now?” I asked turning to look at Pat.

  
I was a kid? Excuse me but who busted their ass to make sure everyone got off to school in the morning when mum wasn’t here? Who took care of everyone while John was too busy being drunk off his ass or couldn’t get out of bed for other reasons? Who had helped mum feed the babies and change diapers since she’d come home with them. It wasn’t John. Yet, I was a kid? Please.

  
“Dude that’s not what I meant. I don’t need to watch you two fight out whatever this is. He’s your brother. He’s not your enemy and I’m sorry but yeah, you’re like 11. You’re a kid ok? You have no idea what it’s like to be the older brother…”

  
“Excuse me?” I interrupted him, “I have 9 siblings in this house younger than I am. You know who is taking care of everyone when John is doing whatever it is he’s doing and mum can’t get out of bed? Me!” I shouted causing them both to look at me in shock, “Yeah, little 10-year-old me. So, shut up. You don’t know anything about it. Coming here and pretending you do because you’re older doesn’t make you look smart either. It makes you look pretty stupid.”

  
“Matt, Pat, why don’t we go upstairs and leave these two to talk some stuff out? I don’t see us helping this situation any,” Cole said quietly drawing everyone’s attention back to him Matt shrugging his shoulders and continuing up the stairs as Pat frowned at him shaking his head.

  
“He just got up in my face and you think I’m going to walk away?” Pat said gesturing angrily at me.

  
“Dude, he’s 10. He’s not mad at you. I think you need to be the bigger man here and we need to walk away so come on,” Cole said, “Pat, come on.”

  
Pat sighed, “Yeah all right,” he turned to look at me, “You’re lucky I can control my temper unlike other people.” He said before he started to follow Cole up the stairs and around the corner towards the lift.

  
“Will,” John said barely above a whisper, “Second floor guest room. Let’s go. Now,” he said pointing hard down the hallway.

  
“And why on earth would I do that?” I asked him.

  
He looked like Da when Da got angry. For all I knew he was going to beat the shit out of me. I mean he was still at least tispy. I wasn’t stupid and people did stupid things when they were drunk. That wasn’t a fact that was lost on me. I didn’t want to get beat up or get in trouble for fighting especially with guest in the house. Who knew what Da would do to us if he caught us fighting each other?

  
“So, mum doesn’t hear all of the horrible things I’m trying really fucking hard not to say to you right now,” John answered through gritted teeth, “Upstairs. Now.”

  
“Fine,” I said before I walked forward and opened the door to one of the guest bedrooms as John followed me grabbing the door and closing it as he hit the light switch.

  
“What?” I sighed the anger and fight leaving me all at once.

  
I didn’t want to be angry with him. I was tired though. I was tired of feeling alone. I was tired of being scared and not knowing what to do. I was tired of people touching me when I didn’t want them to and I was tired of not having in a choice in how I dealt with it because I had to take care of everyone else.

  
I don’t know if he saw the fight go out of me or not but his shoulders seem to slump a little him relaxing a little too as I looked at him. Before he sighed heavily leaning up against the wall as I sat down on the bed.

  
“I don’t tell people your shit, do I? You know how fucking…,” he shook his head at a loss of words for a moment, “Not cool. And why the fuck are you so angry with me lately?”

  
“I don’t know John. Maybe, it’s because mum is too busy breaking down because of you to do anything like take care of her other kids? Maybe I’m beyond tired? Did you ever think of that? Maybe I’m tired of changing diapers and covering for you because you’re too drunk to function. You’re drunk all the time John. You’re barely sober right now. Do you seriously think I can’t tell?” I huffed.

  
“You’re tired? And you don’t think I’m tired maybe?” he asked me, “You don’t think I’m tired of feeling like I want to peel the skin off my body or I’m tired of having people touch me and do things to me that they shouldn’t be doing and I don’t want them to do? You don’t think I’m tired of mum not being able to hold it together? You saw what he does, two weeks ago, you were right there remember?”

  
Did I remember? How could I forget. The things he said, what he had called him. How John had pleaded softly asking him to stop and he had decided to take it to mean something else because John was careful with his words using “Da please” instead of no don’t or stop. How painful it was knowing that when I said the same thing he do would the same thing to me. Taking it to mean whatever he wanted it to.

  
There was no way I could forget that. I knew it was hard. I understood it was hard but I felt so alone. I was so tired of not having choices. Of not having time to breathe, to escape into that fantasy world that I desperately needed.

  
It seemed like every time I picked up a book and opened it someone was crying or needing something and I was the only one there that could give it to them, that could calm them down or change their knappy. I was tired of not being able to think or process anything. Of not being able to get away even for a minute.

  
“So that gives you the right to check out while mum breaks down?” I asked him.

  
“I’m not checking out because I don’t care don’t you get it? I’m checking out because…” he stopped and sighed looking at me, his eyes seeming to shine with tears he was trying not to cry before he spoke again, “I’m having trouble ok? If I drink I might not be as helpful as you need me to be but, at least I can be there. At least then I can do something some of the time instead of nothing all of the time do you understand?”

  
“No, I don’t,” I said, “So you get to drink while I get trapped. You don’t…you’re the one who doesn’t understand John. You’re so wrapped up in you that you don’t see anyone else.”

  
“Wrapped up in me? I’m wrapped up in trying to find ways to keep them from coming after your ass!” John exclaimed.

  
“MY ass! They are all over my ass!” I shot back.

  
John blinked at me confused for a second before we both went silent again him still leaning up against the wall as I grabbed a pillow and held it for something to hold onto, something to make me feel stable and grounded when I felt so out of control.  
“What do you mean?” he asked me.

  
“Since we got home John. If Da’s not with you he’s…he’s been with me ok? And at school….” He cut me off.

  
“What about at school?” John asked coming over and sitting on the bed in front of me, “Someone’s been hurting you at school?”

  
What had I gotten myself into? I didn’t want to talk about that. About Barry. I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t want anyone to know about him or Lionel. It felt too gross. At least for John it was just Da and whoever at his branding and Hank and Arthur that one time but that was it as far as I knew.

  
“Will, come on don’t space out. What do you mean at school?” John insisted after I was silent for too long.

  
I didn’t know what to say. If I told him I felt like he’d be mad. Maybe not at me but that he’d be so mad he couldn’t be there for me. That he would pull farther away from me and I needed him.

  
“I need you John,” I said saying what I was feeling, “You have to stop because I need you. Not just the littles but me. I do.”

  
“Ok Wingman,” he said calling me something he hadn’t called me in a long time, “Come here. I’m sorry ok?”

  
He came over and sat on the bed grabbing me and hugging me even though I was still holding tightly to the pillow. It felt safe. Safer than I had felt in a while. I just wanted to feel safe and that wasn’t a luxury I had. It wasn’t a luxury any of us really had.  
“I’m so sorry,” he said quietly, “I didn’t know ok? I didn’t know. And you’re right it’s because I’ve been too stupid, too selfish to see it. I’ll do better ok? I swear. It’s just I don’t have to think about it when I’m drunk. Being drunk makes things easier for me. I don’t feel it as much; I don’t remember it as well. I can actually stand myself when I’m like this. Otherwise…”

  
“You’re not the only one he hurts though,” I whispered quietly.

  
“I know and I’m sorry. I try to do everything I can to make sure it’s mostly me and it’s still not enough. I know that and it makes me feel worthless. I mean I can’t even get him to leave you guys alone. Look at what…” he trailed off into silence.

  
We hugged for a minute me just breathing trying to calm down as I let him hold me and I held him my one free arm that wasn’t hugging the pillow around his shoulder, “You’re not worthless John. You can’t be the hero and no one is asking you to. I’m just asking you to be sober enough to get up before noon and help me change some diapers. That would be a lot more helpful to me that what you’ve been trying to do and I think it might help you out a bit too. Maybe you won’t feel like you have to drink so much if you try that.”

  
He sighed before he pulled away from me putting both of his hands on my shoulders gently and looking me in the eye, “I’m still going to try and keep him away from everyone ok? You may not think it’s helpful. You may not view it that way but, if he’s hurting me, if he’s with me it means he’s not with someone else. It’s means he’s not with you and knowing that he can’t hurt someone else gives me peace of mind. Because then I know at least for however long I’m in that room with him and Uncle Ben is gone that everyone else is safe. That everyone else is ok even if I’m not.”

  
“This isn’t fair,” I said to him, “I’m sorry I got mad at you. I know you’re not the bad guy. I didn’t mean to throw all of that stuff out there in front of those guys. Really, I am. I’m just really tired and angry because this isn’t fair.”

  
It wasn’t. I was 10 I knew life wasn’t always going to be fair but it was still hard to come to grips with sometimes. To understand that for some people it’s really unfair and that was the hand we had been dealt. It sucked. It sucked more than I can describe.

  
“Life isn’t a book Will,” John said smiling sadly at me, “I mean sometimes even in books the good guys don’t win.” He pointed out.

  
“I know. I just feel like I’m losing so badly right now. That all of us are losing and I don’t know what to do,” I admitted, “Just take care of them ok? Just help me take care of them and I’ll try to help you more too. Just stop drinking please John.”

  
“If I do that I might go from slowly killing myself to…” he trailed off looking at the night stand.

  
He wanted to kill himself? He would leave me here alone? With them with what they were doing and me having to know that they were going to do to it everyone else? He was that desperate to get away that none of us really mattered anymore?

  
“Does mum know you feel that way?” I asked him.

  
“I haven’t said it but yeah. I think she knows,” he answered, “Please don’t mention it to anyone. I’m really trying to work through it ok?”

  
“Maybe after this is over you’ll quit trying to play the hero and stop throwing yourself in the line of fire? It might help you. You don’t have to do this alone. I can handle it. I’ve been handling it. Do I want to? No but, I’m pretty sure you don’t want to either. Let me try to deal with him a little bit more ok?” I told him.

  
Maybe if it would get him to stop drinking it would be good. Maybe if I helped make Da happy he wouldn’t give me to Lionel so often. Or to so many other people. Maybe if I …maybe.

  
He closed his eyes rubbing his temples in small circles before he blinked looking at me, “I can’t promise that,” he replied, “I’ll think about it. But, I can’t promise it.”

  
So, he would rather slowly kill himself than allow me to take a little bit so he could give me more help. He would rather drink himself into a stupor every day and then spend every night sleepless and terrified than actually be able to do something constructive. But, school was starting again soon. And I needed him. I needed him to get through this. So, if I gave a little I needed him to give some too.

  
Hopefully think about it really meant think about it and didn’t mean no. Because I couldn’t keep going this way. We couldn’t keep going this way and I think we both knew it. We were just too afraid to admit that we weren’t as strong as we needed to be. Too afraid to admit we were still just kids. Scared little boys and that’s all we were.

  
“Ok. Then think about it at least. For real,” I told him.

  
“I will,” he said nodding his head in agreement, “Are you done being angry with me?”

  
“Yes. I’m sorry I told Matt and Pat. I shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t right,” I apologized.

  
He smiled at me and stood up, “Apology accepted. Just please don’t do it again,” he said putting his hand on the handle to leave.

  
“John?” I asked.

  
Now that I was no longer angry I wondered if he was going to tell them about what Da did. About making us kiss. I knew it probably wouldn’t be seen as a big deal to Pat and Cole but, it was a big deal to me. I didn’t want them to know that it had already started. Da being gross like that had already started. There were things I didn’t want anyone to know. Like Barry and Lionel and what they did, what they liked doing. Those were things no one could know. Besides Cole and the one time he had walked in on it.

  
“Yeah?” he asked turning and looking at me pausing with his hand on the door.

  
“You weren’t going to tell them about how he made us make out right?” I said quietly looking at the pillow I was still holding.

  
“What?” he asked like he hadn’t heard me his face frowning in confusion.

  
I tried again my face feeling warm just thinking about saying it again, “You weren’t really going to tell them about that one time that Da…”

  
“No,” he said shaking his head quickly, “I was already mortified enough and saying that doesn’t just put you in the spot light you realize?”

  
I sighed with relief. So, he wasn’t going to tell them. Good. That was good. It was bad enough it had happened let alone someone else besides us knowing. Us and Da that is.

  
“I’m going upstairs. You coming?” John asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “Do you think mum is almost on her way up?” I asked as he opened the door and we turned the corner to find mum at the lift with Hank.

  
She musts have taken everyone else up already because she was holding Mary and Shay and Hank was holding Malachy. John went stiff beside me standing as tall as he could make himself.

  
He walked right up to Hank and held out his hands, “Give him to me,” he demanded.

  
“That’s not very polite John,” Mum said as Hank hit to button to call the lift down to us.

  
“I don’t care mum. Give him to me now,” John nearly hissed as Hank flashed a monstrous smile at him before he managed to switch his expression to one of mock hurt or sadness as he checked John his eyes sweeping from his toes up to his face making my stomach twist.

  
“Why?” Hank teased, “I’m not going to hurt him.”

  
“John, quit being rude. Say you’re sorry. Now,” Mum said crisply.

  
I didn’t know what to say or do. I wanted to yell at mum to tell her that Hank was bad. That he would hurt Mac if she let him. I didn’t know that for sure though. I didn’t know anything about him other than he enjoyed red hair. I stayed silent not sure I wanted to come any closer than I was standing to them.

  
“I’m sorry but, I would like my brother. Can you please hand him to me?” John said trying his best to be calm and polite even though his out stretched hands were shaking with probably both rage and fear.

  
“Sure,” Hank said handing Mac over to him causing me to sigh heavily while John hugged Mac to his chest kissing the top of his head as Mac attempted to stick his finger in John’s nose making me smile.

  
“Should I send Pat down?” Mum asked Hank as we stepped into the lift.

  
“No, no just send him down to his room when you’re ready. If I need to see him I’ll go up and get him,” Hank smiled at mum, “Good night Danielle. Good night little guy,” he said Patting the top of Mac’s hair before John pulled him closer and turned away his back facing Hank so that Hank couldn’t touch Mac again as the door shut and mum typed in her code.

  
“Are you two ok?” Mum asked us as I took Mary and started rocking her slowly back and forth.

  
“Yeah mum. We’re fine,” I lied.

  
Of course, we weren’t ok. For some reason I didn’t have any doubt what Hank was thinking about as he was holding him. The thought made me feel sick to my stomach. He was one. But apparently that didn’t mean anything to Hank. Not even that detoured him from thinking those things and then the way he had looked at John before handing Mac over to him. He had been undressing him with his eyes. There was nothing ok about that.

  
Mum suddenly gasped her eyes going wide as the lift opened up on our floor her holding out her arms to take Mary back from me, “Hey John can you come to the nursery with me?” she asked him.

  
“Yeah. I’ll help you put everyone to bed,” John answered as we all stepped out of the lift.

  
They walked quickly into the nursery John shutting the door behind him. I knew what they were probably talking about but, I didn’t think they needed me there. They were talking about Hank. About what he was. I went into my bedroom to and I found him there again snuggled up in my bed already asleep.

  
I sighed heavily. It wasn’t even time for them to be sleeping yet but yet there he was wearing the same t-shirt I had loaned him last night curled up in my bed under my covers. This really wasn’t like him at all. Lionel had really messed with his head or him having to look Lionel in the face every night since he had raped him at the very least had.

  
“Bud?” I asked him quietly him shifting but not sitting up.

  
“I’m sorry. I know but just one more night please Willy?” he asked me, “I can’t…wh…what if?” he stuttered into the darkness.

  
“I know,” I said meaning I understood what he was thinking. That Da would come in the middle of the night and wake him up if he were alone. That he would hand deliver him to the leader like some type of special package and then leave him alone with him to rot. So, he could defile him, make him dirty and then set Jamie’s skin on fire with his hands. Do the same thing to him that Da had done to me, “Just for one more night.” I agreed.

  
“Ok,” he said quietly, “I knew it wasn’t bed time. I was just super tired. Because he was right there. He made me tired.”

  
“I know what you mean it’s ok. Go to sleep I’ll be back in a little while,” I said turning to leave and opening the door to find Pat with his hand posed to knock as he looked at me surprised.

  
“Yeah?” I asked somewhat coldly.

  
“Can I talk to you for a second?” he asked me quietly.

  
“Sure,” I said before I shut the door behind me.

  
“I meant alone,” he pointed out.

  
“No, I figured that. James in there he’s trying to sleep so I figured we’d go to his room.”

  
Pat smiled sadly at me before he muttered something under his breath.

  
“What? I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” I said.

  
“Nothing, thinking out loud. I said just like Charlie. Charlie was my little brother.” Pat told me.

  
“Was?” I asked quietly.

  
“Yeah, he…my dad killed him. Dad said it was an accident but, I have a hard time believing that. Dad had…he has a habit of being rough so…he probably got too rough,” Pat answered looking at the wall behind me.

  
“I’m sorry,” I said and he nodded his head in acknowledgement.

  
“It’s been a while. Is he doing ok?” Pat asked me.

  
“He’s huh…he’s doing ok I think. He’s scared. I mean can you blame him?” I asked Pat.

  
“No, not at all,” Pat answered, “I wanted to tell you something though.”

  
“What?” I asked him.

  
“I’m sorry. For calling you a kid. I know you’re responsible I do just, you have to lay off him,” he said to me.

  
“We talked,” I told him, “He explained it to me and it’s not that I’m mad at him really it’s that I’m mad at everything ok? It’s…”

  
“Lord?” Pat asked me.

  
I felt my body freeze up, tense for a second before I forced an exhale. I didn’t want to talk about that. I wasn’t ready to. It was hard enough watching what he had done to my little brother. How he had basically destroyed his confidence, made James scared of his own shadow, afraid to speak. I didn’t want to even think about what he had done to me.

  
“You should tell John,” Pat said.

  
“He can’t deal with it,” I said quietly, “If he’s like this because of…of just Da and what’s happening to him. Him knowing about the other stuff would completely destroy him. I can’t. I need him. I need him present to help me deal with this kid who is falling apart not to mention Matt.”

  
“Yeah, Matt is…he’s different,” Pat muttered.

  
“No kidding. I’m afraid he’s dangerous,” I said.

  
“Dangerous?” Pat questioned raising a brow at me.

  
“Huh there was a…thing that happened. I came upstairs and heard a bunch of screaming. Matt was on top of Andy. He was pinning him down like…it was scary,” I told him.

  
“Wow,” Pat said, “It sounds like he might be…,” I cut him off.

  
“He’s sick. I know he’s sick. I just don’t know what to do about it,” I said.

  
“Well just try to keep an eye on him ok? Don’t leave him alone with anyone you think he might hurt,” Pat said.

  
“You mean Andy and Mike? No kidding. Did you hear about what your Dad did earlier?” I asked him.

  
“Fuck. What did he do?” Pat asked me his eyes wide in fear.

  
“He helped mum take everyone upstairs to the lift. He was holding Malachy,” I said.

  
“Malachy is the little…,” Pat trailed off and I nodded my head in response, “He didn’t hurt him, did he?”

  
“No. Scared John pretty bad though. I mean me too but I have limited contact with Hank,” I answered.

  
“For now,” he told me.

  
I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. What did he mean for now? Did that mean Pat knew something about Hank I didn’t? About Hank wanting to…I couldn’t. No, it was bad enough already I couldn’t.

  
“You mean t…that...h... he’d,” I tried to get out.

  
“Oh fuck. Calm down. Ok? Just calm down,” Pat said looking at me, “I didn’t mean it like that ok? I don’t know if he’s planning anything just like you never know with them ok? That’s all I meant by it. I’m not saying anything will for sure happen just saying it might.”

  
I wheezed. I couldn’t get myself to breathe. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t. Not more. I couldn’t do it anymore. I already had to keep doing this with Lionel. I couldn’t do that stuff with Hank too.

  
“Fuck,” Pat muttered, “Do you need me to go get someone? Do you want me to go get John?” he asked me as there was a knock on the bedroom door.

  
“Pat, Mike wants to…holy shit he’s like hyperventilating?” Cole said coming into the room and making me sit on the bed, “Have you tried to get him to breathe?”

  
Pat shook his head and shrugged his shoulder as Cole started patting my back softly forcing my head to my knees, “Will do me a favor and hold your breath while you count to 10 slowly ok?”

  
I took a deep breath and did as suggested the shuddering in my diaphragm ceasing before I exhaled taking a deep even breath and then again. It had worked. My body was no longer freaking out but I felt wrong. My body felt wrong, my brain everything felt off still.

  
“What did you say to him Pat?” Cole asked.

  
“I said something about Dad,” Pat said, “He said he hadn’t had a lot of contact with him and I made an off handed comment that that’s the case right now.”

  
“Really?” Cole scoffed, “Will don’t listen to him ok? Just don’t worry about it. I’m sure it’s nothing. If my Dad isn’t interested Hank won’t be interested.”

  
“Did you see them watching him last night? The big Loser and how he made us all leave him there with them alone? You think they didn’t touch him? At all?”

  
“They didn’t,” I informed them.

  
“See?” Cole shot back, “Nothing happened. It’s fine.”

  
“That doesn’t make it fine Cole. You know that. You know that better than…” Pat said before Cole cut him off.

  
“Don’t,” Cole warned.

  
“You never talk about it,” Pat said, “Not with me, not with anyone.”

  
“I talked to Justin about it,” Cole said.

  
“About what?” I asked quietly.

  
Cole shrugged his shoulders exhaling loudly before he looked at me, “Him.”

  
“Oh,” was all I managed in reply.

  
Was he worse than I thought he was? I’d been with him four times now. It seemed like over time you either got used to them or…you didn’t. He wanted Da to take me to New York. He wanted to take me to the zoo, the museum. Take me and do those things Cole talked about. Was it really worse than that? What weren’t they telling me?

  
“You can tell me you know?” Pat said, “I deal with Dad and Arthur too. He can’t be worse than them.”

  
“Pat it’s…co…” Pat cut off his words.

  
“Complicated? You always say that,” Pat said.

  
“It is,” Cole insisted.

  
“More complicated than Dad? Come on. I understand wanting to keep it to yourself but…”

  
“NO! Ok? No. You don’t get it. No,” I Cole said.

  
“Ben’s bad,” I said trying to change the topic.

  
I didn’t want to see them fight. I had just fought with my brother. I didn’t want to watch Cole fight with his. We heard screaming causing me to rip the door open and run out into the hall. It was coming from my room. It sounded like someone was killing him all of us running towards him Mike and Matt included. When we opened the door he stopped his screaming turning into a gut wrenching sob as I climbed into bed with him.

  
“It’s ok bud,” I said cuddling him, “You’re safe now. It’s ok.”

  
“He…,” he sobbed into my chest.

  
“Nightmare?” Mike asked.

  
“How, about we go play Mario now?” Cole asked Mike who nodded his head.

  
“Hey,” Pat said to James quietly, “It’s ok. It wasn’t real.”

  
“It was he…it hurt,” he whimpered into my shoulder.

  
“I know bud,” I said rubbing his back, “I know. He’s not here right now though ok?”

  
“He isn’t, he’s downstairs I know he is. I want him gone. I want him gone,” he whimpered.

  
“Me too. He’ll be gone soon though ok?” I said to him.

  
“Hey James? You remember?” he asked him making James freeze in my arms.

  
“Remember what?” I hissed.

  
“It’s nothing bad but I was…”

  
“You were there,” James said quietly into my shoulder, “You told them to stop. You wanted them to stop too.”

  
“Them?” I asked.

  
“Yeah,” Pat said, “I didn’t want them to hurt you.”

  
“They did,” James moaned, “I told him I…”

  
“I know,” Pat said nodding his head, “I remember. You asked him to make it stop and he told you all you had to do was be quiet. Be good. I want you to know that your good no matter what they say ok? No matter what they did you’re good.”

  
“He said I wasn’t good. That I wasn’t good because I…” he trailed off.

  
“You are. He lied to you. You’re a good ok? It hurt so you made sound and there is nothing wrong with that because it hurts a lot. I know it hurts a lot because my Dad did it too me ok? I remember how bad that hurts I do. And then when they…their mouths. That hurts too but differently,” Pat said quietly and I nodded my head in agreement.

  
“It felt funny,” James said quietly, “I asked Da not to and he…”

  
“Wait Da? He umm…?” I asked and I could almost feel the heat coming off him. The embarrassment.

  
Da had helped Lionel rape him like he had helped Lionel rape me. He was just a little boy. It was bad enough that Da had let it happen let alone helping Lionel do it. No wonder he had bled a little bit. They had probably both done it.

  
“I didn’t want to,” James whispered.

  
“I know,” I told him, “You did nothing wrong ok?”

  
“Why does Da hate me?” he asked me quietly, “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t…He.”

  
I didn’t know what to say. What to do. He was talking about it. It was the first time he had really spoken about it. About what they had done to him other than saying it hurt.

  
“It’s ok,” Pat said nodding his head encouragingly, “You can tell me. I was there, remember?”

  
“He put his tongue in my bottom and I didn’t…it felt weird. I told Da, I did and he wouldn’t listen. He didn’t listen. And then he kissed me. The old man, he kissed me and it was scratchy. And then he kissed my belly…”

  
My heart stopped. I wasn’t sure I could listen to this. Listen to him talk about what they did to him. He was a little boy. He was just a little boy. He didn’t deserve this.

  
“I told Da no. I told him that it felt weird that I didn’t think. That I…”

  
“Breathe it’s ok James. Just breathe,” Pat said.

  
“I didn’t like how it felt. When Lord put his mouth on my …”

  
Oh god I couldn’t listen to this but I knew I had to. I knew he had to tell someone. That he had to get it out. That if he kept it to himself it would be worse than talking about it for him. Worse than anything else.

  
“He licked it and it felt gross,” he told Pat.

  
“Yeah,” Pat agreed, “I hate that.”

  
“He...his mouth was all over,” James said quietly to which I nodded my head with Pat’s, “I didn’t like it. It made it feel weird my whole body, everything.”

  
“It does yeah,” I said quietly, “It’s ok though.”

  
“It’s not bad?” he asked me turning to look at me.

  
“No, it’s not bad. It’s normal it means your body is normal,” Pat assured him.

  
“Even though it feels like weird and hurts?” he asked me.

  
“You mean that pressure? That weird feeling in your penis?” I asked him and he nodded his head in response, “Yeah it’s normal. I mean it feels weird because you’re not used to it but it’s normal. How the whole thing just feels tight and like really sensitive. It’s I mean it’s embarrassing but it’s normal.”

  
“It is?” he asked again.

  
“Yeah,” Pat nodded his head assuring him, “It just gets weirder from this point but yeah. Has that ever happened to you before?”

  
“I don’t know,” James answered him wrinkling his nose.

  
“I’ll take that to mean a no,” Pat said, “Do you know much about …that?”

  
“What?” he asked quietly frowning at Pat.

  
“Pat’s he’s six. You don’t use the actual word he’s not going to really…” Pat cut me off by explaining himself.

  
“Being aroused, hard,” he answered.

  
“I don’t know what that means,” he told me.

  
“Ok well that tight feeling that is in your testes and then how everything feels really swollen that’s called an erection. It happens when your body responds to someone touching it. That doesn’t mean you’re ok with them touching you, it just means your body is responding to it. And it feels warm and tight and kind of sore a little bit. You remember feeling that?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he said nodding his head.

  
“Ok, it’s huh normal when someone touches you there for that to happen and it’s kind of scary especially if you’re not sure what’s happening or if it’s ok or normal. Do you feel a little bit more …”? I trailed off trying to find the right question.

  
“Why would Da want to do that? Make it do that?” he asked me.

  
Now that I wasn’t sure how to explain. Because it was something I didn’t even understand really. Because Da shouldn’t want to do that. Shouldn’t want other people making our bodies do that but he did. It made me feel awkward and I think Pat saw it in my face because he answered for me.

  
“Your Dad is like my dad is he…there’s something wrong with his head where he thinks it’s ok for people to make their kids feel that way when everyone else says it’s not. I’m not saying that makes it ok but it makes it so he doesn’t think about it the same way everyone else does.” Pat said.

  
“It got sticky,” James said suddenly, “When that guy was done Da he…it was like before but it got sticky. Da told me it was because it felt good but it didn’t feel good it hurt. It hurt so bad Willy. I told him not to. I told him that it hurt and it told me that…that I had to be good and I wasn’t being good. That I…”

  
“Oh, bud no,” I told him rubbing his back as he buried himself up against my side, “You’re a very good boy. Don’t listen to Da. You’re very good no matter what Da says ok? There isn’t anything bad about you. I promise.”

  
“Your brother is right. You’re a good boy. I’ve never met anyone nicer or kinder and more thoughtful than you. Only good people are nice and kind so you have to be good. Ok?” Pat said softly.

  
He nodded his head into my side falling quiet. We waited for him to say something else but he was done talking. Done sharing. I wasn’t even sure if it would do him any good but it was the first time he had spoken to anyone he wasn’t related to. So, it was a step forward. It was hard watching him like that, waiting for him to feel safe again. That was if he ever felt safe again.

  
“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head, “I’m going go guys, if you need anything, either of you just let me know ok?”

  
“Thanks,” I said nodding my head as Jamie shifted his weight as he sniffled softly into my arm pit.

  
I waited until Pat was gone and went to get up James clinging to my arm tightly, “Bud, I’m just changing into my PJ’s ok? I’m not going anywhere I promise.”

  
“I’m really not bad?” he asked me.

  
“Really. I wouldn’t lie to you ok? And Pat wouldn’t lie to you. I promise,” I told him kissing his forehead.

  
He nodded his head at me letting go of my arm. I changed into my PJ’s and crawled back into bed with him reading him a bit of Harry Potter. I had stopped reading Game of thrones in order to read something more kid appropriate in case Jamie happened to look over. Because it was the two us and it was still early I decided to just read it out loud to him and we were in the middle of probably chapter 12 or something like that and had made it to chapter 13 before he was sleeping quietly and I got up to make sure everyone else was in bed. I went to go ask John something and found he wasn’t there my throat tightening.

  
I knew he was probably downstairs. With Da, with them. I sighed was this really what things were going to be like from now on? What our life was going to be? This sucked.


	35. Thirtyfive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's after Christmas and nearing new years. Everyone has gone home. Will is overwhelmed with thoughts of his future while John is falling to pieces because of his present. Mum is trying to pull it together and still talking through plans to change their outcomes. Catty reveals her own secrets that's she's been working up the courage to utter devstasing everyone around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 610 to 628 **Warnings: rape trauma, rape aftermath, anxiety, mental health issues, child sexual abuse** I think there's only four or five more chapters of Will's part 1 left and then part two will commence. **John's chapter 14 Part 1**

Over the next couple of days things started to settle down and get back to normal. I don’t remember what time they left just that they were there for nearly four days and then they were gone. Mum seemed to calm down a little bit or at least that’s what it appeared and on the 28th James touched his piano again for the first time since it happened. It was a slow sad song that I had never heard before. He played it just as well as ever but it was different from what I would have heard him play before. He was changed. We were all changed.

  
The next morning as I was cleaning things up in the kitchen Catty screamed my name. I sighed dropping what I was doing wandering slowly down the hallway towards her, “Catherine, what’s up?”

  
“Something’s wrong,” she said her eyes shining with tears as she peered into John’s room into the darkness, “I don’t think he wants to play with me. Mummy said he wanted to play with me when she tucked me in last night and said that he would spent all day with me. But I think he’s sad.”

  
She looked confused and scared. The feeling radiating off her in waves. There was something wrong. Something was really wrong. I didn’t know what it was but I tapped on the door and poked my head in. He flinched where he was laying on the bed curled in the fetal position his sheets and comforter on the floor pushes as far away from him as possible. He was fully dressed pulling the hood on his hoody over his eyes recoiling, trying to hide himself.

  
Something bad had happened. I didn’t know what it was but I knew it was bad, “John?” I asked him quietly coming into the room.

  
I wanted to touch him. To tell him that whatever it was, it would be ok. But, I didn’t really know what to do and if I was right the last thing he wanted was to be touched. To be held. I turned the light off again and closed the door turning to cat, “John doesn’t feel well right now Catherine. Can you go get mummy and tell her I need her to come here?” I asked her quietly keeping my voice low.

  
“Is he sick?” She asked me.

  
What did I tell her? That for the three days over Christmas Da had let people rape him, us repeatedly and that he had probably raped him last night too. That it was too much for him to handle, for his brain to process so he was trying to cope. He was shutting down because he couldn’t deal with it anymore. Because he was somewhere beyond tired and beyond broken. Because he hated everything and everyone?

  
“Yeah,” I agreed simply nodding my head, “Go get mum please?”

  
She nodded her head in agreement walking away towards the nursery. I opened the door again. He hadn’t moved. Not even an inch. It was like he was frozen. Trapped. Like he didn’t know what to do or how to even think. He looked like a mouse. A scared human sized mouse that felt trapped with nowhere to go, nowhere to turn or hide. He looked utterly broken like that time after his branding. This was bad. This was really bad.

  
“John,” I asked him sitting on the floor in front of his bed, in front of him where he could see me. He twitched when he heard me say his name but that was it. He didn’t do anything else.

  
I didn’t want to leave him alone. I could picture him hurting himself if I did. Him breaking down if I did. I was scared that something worse was going to happen if I left him alone. How could they do this to him? How could they enjoy doing this to him? I didn’t understand but, I didn’t want to leave him alone.

  
“I know you can hear me,” I said after a minute into the quiet, to his unmoving form, “He came up here last night. Didn’t he?”

  
Mum light steps moved from the hallway to the bedroom her face a concentrated frown, “Will what are you doing on the floor?”

  
“Cat found him like this,” I said quietly still watching him.

  
She shook her head hesitating next to the bed. Her hands fluttered up to her face. I don’t know if it was out of fear or shock but she sighed heavily, “Will, you know that number on the fridge? I need you to call it.”

  
“You know what’s wrong, right?” I asked her.

  
She had to know. She wasn’t stupid. She had to know. Da had done this. Had allowed John to relax just enough and then hurt him again. Given him just enough time for him to feel somewhat safe and then done those things to him again. John couldn’t keep doing this. He said he could handle it. That he would handle it if I meant keeping everyone else safe but, he couldn’t.

  
He was dying. It was slow and painful and not a physical death but an emotional one, a mental one. Anyone could see it. You’d have to be blind not to see it. This was why he drank. Because he couldn’t do it anymore.

  
He could lie to himself, he could try to lie to everyone else even. But, I could see it. Especially in that moment sitting on his bedroom floor watching him unmoving quietly curled up in a ball his eyes closed and his breathing even but him not sleeping. Him being wide awake his brain probably blank so he didn’t have to think about things. About what Da was doing to him. About how Da was slowly killing him. Slowly killing us all.

  
“I’m pretty sure,” she said moving and sitting on the bed next to him.

  
He startled nearly climbing up the wall to get away from her because he was afraid she was going to touch him. That she was going to hurt him. He looked trapped. It made my heart hurt. He didn’t deserve this.

  
“Mum you know what he did right?” I hissed at her, “He couldn’t just leave him alone could he? He’s done everything for us mum. He does everything for us and Da made him fucking…”

  
“Will!” Mum gasped in surprise at me swearing.

  
“Mum, you need to help him,” I told her.

  
“Will I’m trying. I need you to call the number on the fridge now,” she told me pointing at the door indicating I should leave. That I should go call that number. That whoever it was would help us, help him.

  
“Yeah, I’m going,” I said getting up and nearly sprinting down the hall.

  
I looked at it. It was a blue sticky note the name Vic written at the top underlined and it said Office with a number next to it and then Cell. At first, I wasn’t sure which one to call but I decided to try office first. Because it was a week day. It might have been two days before the New Year but, it was still a Tuesday.

  
“Hello Dr. Palmer and Dr. Huntz office,” Some bored sounding woman said on the phone.

  
“Hi,” I said not sure what else to say or do.

  
“Yes?” she prompted, “How may I help you?”

  
“Is Dr. Palmer in?” I asked her.

  
By then my excellent deduction skills had told me that Vic was probably Dr. Palmer. I hadn’t known his first name was Vic but I knew he was our doctor and that he talked to mum a lot. About a lot of things.

  
“May I ask who is calling?” She asked me.

  
“Will McGregor. Can you tell him something is wrong with John?” I asked her.

  
“I’ll give him the message please hold,” she said promptly and then elevator music started playing on the line for just a second or so before it cut off again.

  
“William?” Dr. Palmers voice sounded into the line, “What’s going on?”

  
“I don’t know. He won’t talk or anything,” I said quietly, “Mum said to call the number on the fridge.”

  
“Ok,” Vic said calmly, “Can you tell me what happened?”

  
“I don’t know. Catty went in to wake him up and she called me. I was in the kitchen she said that something was wrong. When I looked he was on his bed curled up in a ball. He wouldn’t say anything he just took his hoody and pulled it over his face. I don’t know what’s wrong. Mum sat down on the bed and he jerked away like he’d been hit or something. Mum said to call so, I called.”

  
“Ok, I’m on my way,” Vic said, “Give me 10 minutes.” Then he hung up the phone.

  
I walked back down the hall before I heard him howl, “Why does it fucking matter?” he sounded like he was in excruciating pain, “Why does it matter? I can’t do it anymore. I can’t!”

  
Da shouted something over the com at mum who mumbled that she would be back and she went to the lift going downstairs. I wasn’t sure what to do. If there was anything I could do. Just then I saw two little heads poke their way out of the nursey. They looked around Andy giving me a shy smile and waving at me before he grabbed Laura’s hand and they walked across the hallway and into John’s open bedroom door where he was still loudly sobbing.

  
“You have owwie?” I heard Andy ask John quietly bending down next to him, “I make you better.” He threw himself down on top of John’s head kissing his cheek and cuddling with him as Laura did the same.

  
John’s sobbing started to quiet down, turning into a light sniffle as they hugged him James and Catty wondering over to the door.

  
“It’s ok to cry you know?” James told John getting on his knees and crawling over to them where they were laying in the middle of the floor, “It’s ok to be sad.” He said laying down and scooting in behind Andy hugging him and John.

  
Catty kneeled down behind John sighing before I heard her hiccup. She was crying quietly, “I’m sorry John. He’s weird to me too. I don’t like him. I think he’s a bad man.” She said.

  
My stomach fell. It hurt to hear her say it like that. Admit it like that. I figured when she had asked me that question the other night that’s what was happening to her but, that she was too scared and too upset to really truly say it. That Da had been touching her too. Hurting her.

  
I didn’t know what to do for any of them. It hurt watching them knowing that there wasn’t anything I could do to get Da to stop. He needed to stop but he wouldn’t. None of them would. And he was about to make it worse. He was going to keep handing us over to people, pimping us out until there was nothing left of us.

  
I couldn’t watch this anymore. I couldn’t watch my family fall apart anymore. I went to my room and cuddled Bennington choosing to ignore anything I heard outside my bedroom door. I heard Karen come around and mum I heard Vic at some point but it wasn’t until everything started to settle down that I left my room and went out into the living room. After a while John appeared looking at me, his eyes blood shot and red. He had his hoody sleeves rolled up his cast gone and replaced with what was a plaster splint that didn’t go all the way around his wrists but instead was being held to his arm with an ace bandage. I sighed looking at him out of the corner of my eye.

  
“Hey John. Are you ok?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he sighed sadly.

  
“You look super tired,” I added.

  
“How do you know? You’re not even looking at me,” John answered me.

  
He did. He looked beyond defeated. Like he needed a nap.

  
“Why don’t you take a nap?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” John sighed sitting down.

  
“Ok,” I said. I listened to everyone play around me John screaming at some point making me jump about 10 feet in the air and dropping my book.

  
“What in the world?” I muttered.

  
“DUDE! DUDE!” Matt screamed at John loudly who blinked.

  
“What?” he asked shaking his head and sitting up a little straighter.

  
“You were screaming dude,” Matt said not looking away from his game.

  
“You do realize a dude is an animal butt hair, right?” I asked him.

  
“So? He could be a dude, you don’t know,” Matt muttered hitting the buttons on his controller frantically.

  
“He’s not a dude,” James defended John who sighed loudly scratching his head.

  
“I can be a dude, I cannot be a dude. I don’t really care,” John answered simply.

  
Catty smiled and crawled up onto the couch next to him before she asked him smiling at him slyly, “Do you want to play Barbie’s with me?”

  
At that point I quit paying attention for a while but, I’m pretty sure he said yes because he usually did. Catty was our oldest sister but she was still our little sister. We loved her, we babied her. We all babied her as I’m sure everyone can assume because even Mike wore makeup for her. After a few minutes, there was someone stomping down the hall so I went to go see what was up. It was Karen. Karen was throwing a fit pulling something out of fridge.

  
“Hey Will,” she said looking at me, “Do you know how to cook?”

  
“Why?” I asked her.

  
“I’m the nanny. I’m not supposed to cook but your mom wants me to cook. So …I was wondering if you would help me out,” she said sitting down on the stool smiling at me.

  
“Karen it’s your job to feed us and do what you’re told. Mum said you need to cook for everyone just do it,” I sighed.

  
“Your brother constantly insults my Dad,” she whined, “Your mom told me to leave him alone and lay off when I just listened to my brother sprout the same lies all week at home. No, I’m not feeding him.”

  
“Karen, he’s probably not eating anyway. He’s tired all he wants to do is drink. Ok?” I said shaking my head at her.

  
“What?” she said.

  
God, she was a dumb shit. How did she not understand that? He wanted to be shit faced. Did I have to spell it out to her that my brother was a 13-year-old drunk? Really?

  
“Don’t worry about it. Just feed everyone else ok?” I told her.

  
“Are you going to tell me my dad is a pervert?” She asked me.

  
“I have nothing to say about your Dad,” I told her.

  
“What about Arthur?”

  
I froze cold. I didn’t want to talk about Arthur. Arthur could…

  
“He can go fuck himself,” I said causing her mouth to drop open as I walked away.

  
It actually made me feel pretty awesome to say that. I mean her dad was a major asshole too don’t get me wrong. I hated Hank because I’d seen more than once what he had done to my brother. I’d seen more than once the after math of his treatment. He’d taunted me. He had known what Lionel wanted from me. He had told me that’s was why he was so entertained that night because he knew they wanted to fuck my brains out. Lionel and Arthur.

  
I still don’t know what made me do it other than I was mad. I was mad that she had made me think about them again. I was mad that she thought her Dad was this great guy when he raped little boys and joked about other people raping them.

  
I turned around a walked back over to the kitchen, “Hey Karen,” I said.

  
“Yeah?” she asked.

  
“Did you know your Dad sat at the kitchen table and watched some old guy hit on me and then laughed? When someone asked him what was so funny he said he was hilarious that they wanted to fuck my brains out?” I hissed at her.

  
“That’s a good one. That doesn’t sound anything like my Dad. And why would some old guy hit on you? Aren’t you like a prepubescent boy?”

  
What was she asking me if I had ball hair? That was…a very strange question. I sighed before I mumbled under my breath “pubescent.”

  
“What?” she asked me.

  
Oh, so she did hear me.

  
“I said pubescent. I’m not pre,” I told her.

  
Her cheeks actually turned pink, “Oh. Sorry,” she said.

  
I nodded my head and turned away. I wasn’t sure what was more embarrassing that she felt sorry I was growing pit hair or that I told her about it. I mean puberty is embarrassing enough when you aren’t being sexually abused I’m pretty sure so imagine how mortifying it is when that’s the situation you’re stuck in. It’s not fun. It makes you feel that much more embarrassed about your body.

  
“If you won’t help me make anything warm everyone is getting PBandJ for lunch,” she said.

  
“Sounds fine to me,” I answered just as mum came out of Catty’s room her eyes red and puffy like she had been crying.

  
What happened? What was wrong? Was she ok? Was Catty ok?

  
“Mum?” I asked quietly.

  
“I’m fine love, it’s not a big deal,” she said, “Thank you for making lunch Karen, I know you don’t want to but it’s a big help. I’m thinking after we eat we’ll end up going to the park for a while. Maybe you can start a roast before we leave? Connor will be here to keep an eye on it.” She asked Karen.

  
Karen sighed but smiled, “Anything you want Mrs. McGregor.”

  
She didn’t argue with her. Karen was so two faced. Calling us liars and telling us our mum was lazy and bossy. Always complaining about everything and then once mum was in ear shot back to being as sweet as pie. It made me sick. I didn’t want anything to do with Karen if I could help it but, she was in charge of my younger siblings and to an extent, me.

  
Around the time she was done with making the sandwiches and headed into the nursery to gather the babies everyone else was sitting down to eat. John appeared from where ever he was hiding wearing his hoody and grabbing his sneakers by the lift door before he pressed the button.

  
“Where are you going?” I asked him curious.

  
“For a walk,” he muttered barely audible.

  
He looked like shit. I couldn’t see him well his hood pulled up over his face but he wasn’t having a good day. I was pretty sure he was drunk again that morning he had woken up and then immediately had started sobbing as mum had gone downstairs to get Karen. I knew he went downstairs at some point and got his cast replaced because he had ruined it the night before or super early that morning before he had come out of his room.

  
I assumed that the night before hadn’t been easy for him either. That something had happened to trigger his day, make him start off in a horrible mood and make it half way through it with his eyes blood shot and probably half way trashed like he usually was just less relaxed looking.

  
“By yourself?” I asked him, “But you’re supposed to stay here where it’s safe.”

  
“I’m not fucking five Will,” he hissed at me before he shot me a look his face softening a little bit, “Sorry. I’m sorry. He’s working. I should be fine. I just don’t need reminding ok?”

  
“You’re right I’m sorry too,” I said.

  
“Will!” I heard mum call out behind me as the lift made it up and John stepped inside disappearing.

  
“Yeah mum?” I shouted down the hall.

  
“Can you help me clean up?” she asked me as Karen rushed past me holding out Mary to mum who was putting her in a carrier.

  
“Yeah,” I said quietly nodding my head before I started cleaning up paper plates and sandwich scraps and wiped off the table.

  
By the time I was done doing that, everyone else had been gotten ready to leave everyone wearing jackets and gloves or hats and I helped get everyone in the car by the time Karen had gotten the roast in the oven and we had finally left the house John was on the swings with Pat and Cole. James didn’t wait to go up and over to him.

  
Seeing that made me relax a little bit. It was the first time he had gone forward on his own not being up on the fourth floor. It had only been a day since they had all gone back home and two or three since he was assaulted so he was still very quiet. Very unsure and scared but it showed he was improving. That maybe he would be ok.

  
That and him playing the piano were good signs. I was glad he was starting to do better and so soon. I knew he would never be the same but it showed that some part of him was still ok. That somehow, he would manage to be ok.

  
Someone grabbed my hand and I looked over to see Catty, “I think John is mad at me.” She said suddenly.

  
“Why would you say that?” I asked her.

  
“I told him…stuff,” she said rubbing her face.

  
“What stuff Catty?” I asked her.

  
“Stuff Daddy told me,” she said quietly.

  
I remembered what she had said earlier to John while he was sobbing on his floor that Da was weird with her too. That she thought he was a bad man. He had said something about John to her. What he did to John? Had he said something about me too?  
“What did Da tell you Cat?” I asked her quietly taking her over to a picnic table.

  
“That he naked wrestles with John like he naked wrestles with me. That he does it with you too sometimes and Matty. That he does it with everyone. John said it was bad and so did Mummy when I told her earlier but Daddy says it’s not bad. That he does it with everyone,” she insisted.

  
“I don’t think John is mad at you Cat,” I told her, “I think John is tired and he’s upset. That he had a bad night and he’s not feeling right. He’s sad.”

  
“Daddy makes me sad too,” she said, “he hurts.”

  
“Yeah, he does sometimes,” I agreed, “But that wouldn’t make John mad. I think that Da scares him and talking about it is hard for him. The naked wrestling stuff.”

  
“So, Da does do that?” She asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered.

  
I wanted to tell her what it really was but I wasn’t sure she would understand. That it wasn’t wrestling. It was rape. She didn’t even understand sex let alone what rape was. She had thought up until the day before Christmas Eve that boys had “inside out vaginas”. So, I was pretty sure that was a talk she would be having with mum later.

  
“You want to play in the sand box with me?” I asked her.

  
“I want to play on the monkey bars,” she informed me.

  
“All right,” I said as we walked over to the monkey bars, “You remember that thing we talked about? How boys and girls are different?”

  
“Yeah,” she said climbing one side of the monkey bars and swinging forward before she stepped off the ladder part hanging there for a second before swinging forward and grabbing the next bar.

  
“You asked me if Da put his fingers in my butt?” I asked her and her eyes went wide as she looked around to see if anyone could hear us and then nodded her head when she decided no one else was listening.

  
I don’t know why she was so nervous about it. It was just our family and Vic who was talking with mum quietly as Karen played with almost everyone else in the sandbox and Mike and Matt played on a wooden boat shaped play structure while James was on the swing with John pushing him.

  
“Yeah, I remember asking,” she told me.

  
“He…yeah. He has,” I admitted.

  
“I’m so sorry!” she said jumping down and hugging me, “I told mummy about what he does to me. He puts his fingers in my vagina and it hurts. He hurts so bad when he does that. I asked mummy if that was something he did to everyone and she told me more about your…private parts and how they are different. How they fit together to make babies when a mummy and daddy are ready to have babies. She asked me if Da had ever done that to me. Poked me with his penis down there. I told her no.”  
“He hasn’t?” I asked her.

  
She shook her head vigorously, “It sounds like it would hurt a lot even worse than fingers.”

  
I didn’t have a vagina so while I knew in theory how it all worked I didn’t know what it felt like to have one however I imagined that having someone do that to you probably didn’t feel very good just like when you were a guy at first it didn’t feel very good especially if you were scared and if your body was small like mine had been the first time he had raped me.

  
“It does,” I nodded my head agreeing, “You told mummy all of this?”

  
“She said I should tell her everything and that because she’s a girl and she’s mum that it’s ok. That I’m supposed to tell her because she won’t be mad at me and she’s supposed to make him stop. She said she’s going to try to make him stop.”

  
“Yeah, that’s mum’s job. A part of it, taking care of us,” I told her.

  
“She said I should tell her after he does it every time so she can write it down. That way he’ll stop,” she explained to me.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

  
I was thinking about it. About how any of this was going to stop when I heard shouting, “Why? Why do you need to know? What good is it going to do anyone? How is it going to help me? I don’t want to be here anymore don’t you get that?! Why don’t you understand?!!! Nothing you do is going to help or make it stop or make it better and that I’m stuck?”

  
John was yelling at mum before he stomped away from her practically crying again. That’s what I had thought. That he didn’t want to be here anymore. Alive anymore, with us anymore. That he just wanted things to stop. That he wanted things to end.  
We all wanted out. I didn’t want this, Cat didn’t want it. None of us did. Yet we were all stuck in it. Stuck in an alley staring down the barrel of a robber’s gun, the only exit blocked. I wanted out as badly as John did. I didn’t want to go to the zoo with Lionel. I didn’t want to be alone with him. I knew what he wanted from me. What he was going to do to me again when he got the chance. I must have been thinking about too hard because Catty pulled on the hem of my shirt.

  
“Are you ok?” she asked me quietly.

  
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” I answered.

  
“You’re breathing funny, like your chest is moving really fast,” she pointed out.

  
She was right, I was breathing hard trying not to cry and I hadn’t even realized it. Just hearing John say that no one understood and asking mum why she needed to know was enough to upset me. It upset me enough that I was nearly crying.

  
Mum looked up and must have seen how upset I was her and Vic coming over, “Love what’s wrong?”

  
I shook my head. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. How no one understood. How not even John understood really. What it was like. What they were like.

  
“Oh love,” she said hugging me.

  
“Mummy why is everyone so sad? Is it because of Da?” Cat asked as she hugged my legs.

  
“Yes, love,” she said, “Because you’re Da is mean.”

  
“I don’t want to do this anymore mum,” I said quietly.

  
“I know love,” she said, “I know.”

  
“It’s ok William,” Vic said, “Danielle can I talk to him alone for a minute or two?”

  
“Why?” Mum asked him quietly and I felt her stiffen.

  
So, she trusted Vic to talk to her but not talk to any of us. That struck me as strange. I mean I knew Vic knew about the brotherhood that he had to be associated with them somehow because he had been at my branding, had given me a shot to put me to sleep when I was in pain, had bandaged my hip but, for some reason I hadn’t connected why my mum would be concerned about him talking to any of us alone.

  
“Just some questions about his physical state that he might not want his mom to hear,” Vic said quietly and mum blushed as I looked at her.

  
“Oh,” she said quietly, “Something that we should discuss at his next checkup?”

  
“Huh, if he wants to,” Vic said, “You’ll be able to see us, we’ll be at the picnic table over there. I know it’s hard to trust people. I understand that but I swear to you I won’t leave your sight.”

  
“Ok,” she nodded her head.

  
By then I had quit sniffling into her chest and was watching them and I just nodded my head and walked away with Vic. He waited until we were out of ear shot to say anything.

  
“You know I’m a doctor for them,” he started, “They talk to me about things. Well, they all brag a lot about who their boys are. I’ve heard that the leader and your Dad agreed to…”

  
“me,” I said quietly and he nodded his head.

  
“So, it’s true?” he asked me, “That’s a first. In the past contracting was for 12 and older it’s a new thing they voted in for 9 and up. Like brand new like October new and no one has actually done it yet but apparently the leader and your Dad just finished drawing up the terms and …”

  
“That’s what he told me,” I admitted quietly, “Christmas eve he…he told me that I…”

  
“Ok,” he nodded his head, “Breathe, you’re shaking. You’re going upset your mum if she sees you shaking like that. It’s ok to be scared.”

  
“I don’t want to…” I trailed off. He knew I didn’t want to talk about it. How could he not know I didn’t want to talk about this.

  
“I understand that, I do but you’re the first contract he’s had in a while and I want to make sure you understand what’s happening.” He explained.

  
“It’s like what Ben did,” I said, “I mean Uncle Ben.”

  
“Kind of. It’ll be a little different. They had me look at it and asked me some stuff I can tell you what it says if you like. Since you won’t ever see it. Do you want to know?”

  
“Am I going to live with him?” I asked him.

  
“What makes you think you’d live with him?” Vic asked me quietly.

  
“He said he wouldn’t take me away from home that it wouldn’t be like that. Da and Uncle Ben told me that sometimes contracts include food and stuff. Da did. What type of things are ok and what’s not. Lots of stuff,” I said.

  
“Yeah,” he said, “He doesn’t like being rough so if you fight it’s in the contract that he can restrain you. If he has to restrain you he’s not going to use hand cuffs like your Da does. He’s going to use this thing that it looks like monkey bars kind of and your wrists and ankles hook to it. Ok?”

  
Ok? I had no idea what he was talking about. I had never heard of anything like that before. If I fought? If I fought. I wasn’t allowed to fight. Fighting was bad, saying no was bad. I didn’t know what to think, my brain not sure what he was telling me but understanding it was bad.

  
“You wouldn’t live with him no,” Vic continued, “You’d spend the night with him sometimes. No more than a night though. Because you’re young. Younger kids tend of have more issues with being nervous and upset especially when you’re…”

  
“Raping them?” I asked shaking my head.

  
“Well yeah,” Vic said, “I was against pulling the age down by the way. I don’t believe any of it is ok to be honest. I think it’s sick but, someone needs to be here to help you guys so here I am. But that’s in your contract and that tends to be uncomfortable. So, I wanted to warn you to try and be calm.”

  
“He scares me,” I admitted.

  
“I can understand why. Usually he likes boy’s younger than you ideally but you for some reason….”

  
“I’m special,” I said, “he told me I was…I’m special.”

  
“I’m so sorry kid,” Vic said looking away from me and clearing his throat, “I can’t stop this. Not right now. Your mum and I are working on a solution I can’t tell you what but we’re trying to get all of you out of this.”

  
“She told me she was trying to figure out a way to leave. That she didn’t want to be with Da anymore because he hurts us,” I said.

  
“Yeah. She’s wants you guys to be safe. Does she know about him?” he asked me.

  
I shook my head. Why would I tell her anything about that? She felt guilty enough it was Da. Bad enough that John was being passed out. She knew about Uncle Ben. Why did she have to know about anyone else? Why did it matter if there was anyone else? Weren’t the two of them bad enough? Embarrassing enough?

  
“I’m not sure you should tell her until we have to. Until all of you are somewhere safe ok?” he said.

  
“I wasn’t going to tell her. Cole said that it would only be like a year. I mean it’s a long time yeah but it’s not forever,” I answered.

  
“He does this thing called metastasis. You know what that word means?” He asked me.

  
“To change or transform,” I answered.

  
“Very good,” he said, “It’s not a word most 10-year olds know. Basically, he takes the boy that he’s with and he picks another boy and the first boy, his boy teaches that other boy what he likes. How he is. By showing him and sometimes demonstrating and physically giving him examples. You understand what I’m saying?”

  
“He uses the one boy to show the other boy,” I said and he nodded his head.

  
“Yes,” he said, “Has anyone told you about that. How they make boys…do things to each other sometimes?”

  
“Cole said brothers do it,” I told him.

  
“It’s not just brothers it’s everyone. It usually starts off as brothers but it progresses. A lot of kids eventually fool around with each other on their own even though it’s frowned upon. And they have a safe play policy which means you use condoms. Always usually unless it’s…well never mind that.”

  
“Unless it’s your kid?” I asked.

  
Vic’s face turned red. Like red red. I had never seen Vic blush before but he coughed into his shirt sleeve and bit his bottom lip.

  
“What? You think I don’t realize he doesn’t use condoms? It’s my body I can feel it. There’s a difference,” I said to which Vic laughed nervously.

  
“You’re cheeky,” he said shaking his head.

  
“I can be,” I answered, “did you see that part of the contract I mean? Is he…?”

  
“Well he doesn’t like to share. He doesn’t usually officially contract because he prefers younger boys but usually he comes to an agreement with a handler that…”

  
I felt sick to my stomach. It was bad enough Da did it that way and sometimes Ben did too but, not with him. I couldn’t do that with him. He was gross enough without it. I wrapped my arms around myself and closed my eyes trying to keep myself from crying. Trying to keep myself calm before mum started paying attention.

  
“It’s ok,” Vic said as fat tears started rolling down my cheeks, “It’s ok.”

  
“It’s not,” I whimpered shaking my head, “It’s not ok.”

  
Just then mum rushed over, “What did you say to him?”

  
“Will, I’m sorry,” Vic said.

  
“What did you say to him?! Victor!” Mum hissed as she hugged me.

  
I buried my face in her shirt. I didn’t want to think about it. Him doing that like that. I hated him. I hated that he liked it. That that was something he would want. I hated the way it felt when Da did it and Ben. I didn’t want him doing it too. It made me feel dirty. The idea of that happening making me feel even worse about myself. It makes you feel like a slut thinking of that many people doing that to you. I mean it was bad enough that you knew they were using you for that, but when you felt it inside you dripping down your legs that made it feel a million times worse. Almost the same amount of bad as feeling their saliva on you. Their tongue on your skin.

  
“I’m sorry Danielle. I didn’t mean to upset him,” Vic pleaded.

  
“What did you say to him?” she asked again.

  
“We were talking about condoms,” he said.

  
“Why would you talk about…” Mum stopped speaking as she thought about that for a second, “He’s 10.”

  
“It’s something he needs to be aware of. Especially with the way…”

  
“Stop. Ok? I’ll handle it. May I ask why you’re asking my son about whether his Da uses condoms or not?” I felt mum tense at the question.

  
She had to know. She wasn’t stupid. She knew how he was. She had to know he didn’t use condoms at least not with us, with John and I and Matt and whoever else he was actually penetrating. It wasn’t something she wanted to think about I’m sure just like I didn’t like thinking about it but, she had to know.

  
“It’s ok love,” she said hugging me as I let myself cry and try to relax. I didn’t like being used like that, “It’s ok. You really had to do this? He hardly ever cries about anything!”

  
“I’ve noticed,” Vic said.

  
Because while I got whiny I didn’t really cry like outright sob like I was at that moment at least not usually in front of people. John, it was something he more commonly did but at that point I was way overwhelmed. The idea of being Lionel’s was scary and so was the idea of mum finding out about it. How she would react and probably lock herself in her room. How John would be angry and probably do something to make Da mad so then John would just be in more trouble or Da would invite Uncle Ben back. Because John disliked Uncle Ben as much as I did and I knew it.

  
“I think he’s just overwhelmed,” Vic said, “I’m sorry William I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m going to go I have to get back to the office since this was my lunch break. I’ll call you later all right?”

  
“Yes,” Mum said not looking at him rubbing my back as I hugged her, “It’s ok love. Don’t think about it ok? It’s ok.”

  
She waited until I quit crying to let go of me kissing my forehead, “I love you. You’re such a strong boy Will. You don’t usually cry like this. What’s going on?”

  
“Nothing,” I said.

  
I hated keeping it from her but, Vic was right. It was safer not to tell her. She already felt so helpless and angry with Da and making her angrier wouldn’t help anyone. Making her more upset wouldn’t help anyone.

  
At the time, I didn’t realize how dangerous Lionel truly was. That Vic telling me not to say anything because Lionel was very important and Lionel had ways of making sure he got what he wanted from people. That telling mum would have put her life in danger because she would have tried to stop it from happening. If that would have happened he would have convinced Da to get rid of her one way or another.

  
“Love,” she sighed before Karen shouted from the Van, “Yes Karen what did you say?”

  
“Everyone is ready to go home the roast should be done soon,” she told mum coming closer, “Are we ready to go?”

  
“Yes, thank you,” Mum said as we started walking towards the van.

  
We ate dinner and after that I’m pretty sure I went off to go read some more I’m don’t remember 100% though. However around 8 I went to go take a shower and opened my bedroom door to find James in my bed again.

  
“Bud, you can’t sleep with me every night,” I told him.

  
“But it’s safer,” he told me.

  
I sighed heavily. I wasn’t sure what to do about this. I had been giving him a break because I was worried about him but, I really missed having my own room. I sat down and opened my arms allowing him to hug me.

  
“Bud, no one is going to hurt you ok? He’s gone. He’s not coming back,” I said quietly.

  
“What about Daddy?” he asked me.

  
“You think Daddy’s going to do that to you?” I asked him.

  
“He does it to everyone,” he told me as a matter of factly shrugging his shoulders at me.

  
Since the night Lionel had left Da had barely looked at me. Let alone touched me. I figured it meant something bad but, I wasn’t sure what though. Did that mean Da was doing things to James when he wasn’t…

  
“Is Da doing that to you now?” I asked him.

  
“No,” he said making me sigh in relief, “He comes upstairs though. I hear him sometimes. At night.”

  
“That’s just the house,” I lied.

  
I knew I was lying. I was pretty sure he knew I was lying but he couldn’t be afraid to sleep in his own bed. I mean what if one night Da came upstairs and he found him in bed with me? That would be worse. That would be a lot worse than Da just doing something to him. It would mean Da might make me do something to him and I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. It was bad enough knowing that Da did it, that he was going to keep doing it.

  
“It’s not,” he told me.

  
So, he knew I was lying, “Bud look listen to me. I can’t sleep with you every night ok? It doesn’t work that way it’s not healthy ok? You need to start sleeping in your own bed.”

  
“Will,” he said his lip trembling, “I can’t. He…he’ll.”

  
“Bud, we don’t know that ok? We don’t,” I said.

  
I felt like someone was ripping my intestines out. It hurt to see him cry. To see him so desperate to feel safe he wanted to cling to me, to be with me. But I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t. It was dangerous and I was exhausted. I needed to be on my own. I needed to breathe.

  
“He’ll hurt me,” he told me before he started whimpering, “He’ll hurt me like he hurts Catty.”

  
“We don’t know that,” I said. I was pretty sure Da wouldn’t but only because…because the leader had told him he couldn’t. That James was his like I was his.

  
I didn’t escape me what he said. That Da hurt Catty at night but there wasn’t much I could do about it. There wasn’t anything I could do about it. I honestly just wanted him out of my bed so I could maybe sleep alone.

  
“NO!” he screamed loudly, “HE WILL I KNOW HE WILL!” he started sobbing.

  
“Oh geeze,” I said holding him tight and rocking him rubbing his back, “Bud, it’s ok. It’s ok.”

  
Mum must have still been upstairs because my door nearly slammed open, “What…what’s going on?”

  
“I told him he can’t sleep with me tonight,” I explained.

  
“Love,” Mum said sitting next to us, “You have your own bed to sleep in.”

  
“He says Da’s going to hurt him if he…,” I trailed off.

  
Mum blushed a little bit, “Oh. Well James love, mum is sleeping upstairs on the day bed in the nursery now. You’ll be safe in your own bed I promise.”

  
“You are?” he asked her hiccupping.

  
“Yes, I am. I promise Da won’t be hurting anyone,” she said, “Why don’t you go get in bed and I’ll be there in a minute to read you a bed time story?”

  
“You promise?” she asked her.

  
“Yes, I absolutely promise love. I’ll be right there,” she assured him.

  
“Ok. I love you Will. Goodnight,” he said hugging me and getting up running from the room.

  
“Will?” Mum asked me, “How long as he been sleeping in your bed with you?”

  
“A couple days. Why?” I asked her.

  
“I need to ask you something,” she said quietly.

  
Wait, did she think I was hurting him? I would never hurt him. Not ever. The idea made me feel sick to my stomach. He was a little boy, my little brother. I would never.

  
“Mum…I would never do that. I would never hurt him. Not ever. He’s scared you know how much worse things would get if I…”

  
“I was going to ask if you knew what was going on with him. I didn’t think you were hurting him. John said that I should ask him but all he does is say he’s fine. Does that remind you of anyone?” She asked me.

  
So that’s what she was getting at. He had picked up some of my habits. I looked at her sheepishly.

  
“I overheard your Da talking to someone,” she told me.

  
“You did?” I asked.

  
I could see where this was going. Awesome. So, Da was being less careful about who overheard him on the phone. So, mum knew. Awesome.

  
“He was talking about you,” she told me, “He asked the person if they had fun with you over Christmas. If they enjoyed their time with you. Did Hank hurt you too?”

  
So, she didn’t know as much as I thought she did. She had no idea it was him. That he was into that stuff. She didn’t know that it was the leader. She had no idea.

  
I shook my head. I wasn’t going to tell her that. I wasn’t going to be the one to let her know that it wasn’t just Hank that was like that that Da associated with but, all of them.

  
“Who was it then?” she asked me.

  
“No one mum,” I said looking at my alarm clock.

  
She sighed heavily. She knew I didn’t want to talk about it. She knew why too. It was already awkward enough for me. Talking about all of that stuff because some of it was Da. Especially when it all first started. All the things I didn’t tell her about before we moved here, things that were happening while we were still at home, in London.

  
“I want to know who,” she said after a minute or two of silence, “It’s not just to protect you but, your brothers. You think I don’t know that someone did something to James? I’m your mother of course I do. If I could have stopped it from happening I would have but someone didn’t warn me about Hank until the day before everyone was leaving. Did Hank hurt him?”

  
I shook my head. No Hank hadn’t hurt him. At least not that I knew of. From what I understood Lionel didn’t really like sharing. James had said it was Da and Lionel and I could believe that. Because they had done it to me like that.

  
“Who was it then? I doubt it was Mr. Lord. He really doesn’t seem the type. Does that mean…Arty?” she asked frowning at me.

  
“Mum, just let it go,” I said quietly.

  
“William Arthur Caleb Henry, you tell me who hurt you and you tell me now,” Mum warned me.

  
“Mum, please not right now,” I said quietly, “IT doesn’t matter. It happened ok? It happened and we have to deal with it. That’s all there is to it.”

  
“William,” she said quietly, “Please don’t do this. He was talking to them ok? Asking them if they enjoyed being with you. I know what that means ok? John told me that Da let’s other people touch him sometimes. Do those things to him. But he was talking about you Will. You can tell me anything.”

  
“No, I can’t,” I said shaking my head, “I’ll write it down ok but, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s better not to tell you.”

  
“Can you tell me why?” She asked me.

  
“Because mum if I tell you you’ll go lock yourself back in your room and you’ll never come out,” I told her.

  
“Love, no I wo…”

  
“YES! YES, YOU WILL!” I shouted, “now stop asking. When I want to tell you if I decide to tell you I’ll let you know. I promise. When I feel the time is right I’ll let you know. I love you mum but I don’t want you to go away. I need you here more than I need you to protect me from them.”

  
“It’s not just about you love,” she said again, “Please just tell me so I don’t leave them with any of you alone again. It had to be one of the three of them.”

  
“All of them mum,” I said, “Don’t leave any of us alone with any of them.”

  
She nodded her head in understanding, “Ok. I love you know that? I’d do anything to protect you.”

  
“That’s exactly why I won’t tell you,” I said, “I’m tried mum. I’m going to go bed now.”

  
“Ok love,” she said, “Goodnight.”

  
“Goodnight mum,” I said.

  
That night I didn’t sleep that well. I didn’t want to keep it from her but I kept thinking about Vic’s warning. That I shouldn’t tell her anything about him. I hoped that my warning would be enough to keep her from letting any of us be alone with him. That she would talk to him and Da about getting me out of that mentorship at his office. Talk him out of letting Lionel be alone with me without him suspecting I had said anything.


	36. Thirtysix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will learns more about Matt and Mike and the oddness of their relationship and also how manipulative Matt really is as he deals with his anxieties about Uncle Ben coming home and they have a reunion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 627 to 654 **Warnings: Rape/non-con, Mental health issues, child sexual abuse, talk of physical abuse, Talk of domestic violence, talk of human trafficking, forced anal, forced Oral, forced rimming, talk of brother/brother incest/twincest. Reluctant brother/brother kissing,**

After tossing and turning all night, I woke up super early that morning. It was the day. I’m not even sure what had woken me up but, I ended up going out into the living room quietly noticing the glare of the TV in the room lit up all of the lights off and no sound coming from the room. When I walked around the corner Matt and Mike were in there and just as I entered the room Matt grabbed Mike painfully by the neck pulling him backwards by the head making his back arch before I watched him shove in tongue in Mike’s mouth who made a sound of protest.

  
I was watching all of this from behind them by the way which is probably why it still happened with me right there watching. I must have made a gasping sound because Mike’s eyes went wide as he pushed Matt away and stepped on his foot.

  
“Don’t be an asshole!” Matt hissed.

  
“Asshole! I didn’t want you to kiss me and we said not out here. Remember? You agreed never out of the bedroom,” Mike said.

  
“No one is…” he trailed off as Mike pointed at me and Matt turned around, “Oh.”

  
“Matt don’t do that to him,” I said.

  
“Why? He doesn’t mind it most of the time,” Matt said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“He does, I can see it in his face,” I pointed out, “Don’t do that to him. Remember you told me you would stop.”

  
“He’s my twin,” Matt scoffed.

  
“He’s his own person,” I said.

  
“That doesn’t mean he’s not my twin,” Matt said.

  
“He’s still his own person,” I said, “And you told me you would stop.”

  
“He’s mine though!” Matt said.

  
“STOP IT!” Mike shouted, “I’m mine! You’ve quit being mean Matt and now all of the sudden you do that and you’re fighting. You only touch me when I tell you that you can. You agreed.”

  
“Sorry,” Matt mumbled.

  
I don’t know why but hearing Mike be bossy made me proud. I knew they were talking about things that they shouldn’t be doing especially with each other but, I was proud that he stood up to Matt because usually he was quiet about just about everything.

Really laid back and docile but, he was standing his ground on this.

  
“You two shouldn’t be awake yet,” I said to them.

  
“Why not?” Matt asked me arching his eyebrow at me.

  
“It’s 5 in the morning,” I replied.

  
“But you’re awake,” he pointed out.

  
“I couldn’t sleep,” I answered.

  
“Neither could we,” Mike said.

  
“Care to tell me why?” I asked them.

  
“Huh,” Matt said, “Does it matter?”

  
“It does if something bad happened and that’s why you didn’t sleep,” I answered.

  
“Uncle Ben is back,” Mike said.

  
“What?!” I said.

  
Back when? He couldn’t be back. Da said he was sending him away for a while. I thought a while meant a real while like more than two months. He couldn’t be back. This wasn’t possible.

  
“He’s back. Last night he came in,” Matt said, “He makes it harder to sleep.”

  
“Yeah, he does,” I agreed.

  
I wondered for a minute why he didn’t come to see me. If I was…oh. That’s right I wasn’t his anymore. Da and Lionel had signed a contract. I belonged to Lionel now. That explained why he hadn’t woken me up in the middle of the night. However…

  
“I didn’t sleep well why didn’t I hear him?” I asked them.

  
“I don’t know,” Mike said, “He was here though.”

  
“I believe you,” I answered.

  
“He sucks at lying anyway,” Matt said grabbing the controller from Mike before he smacked him on the butt.

  
“Stop it,” he admonished.

  
“It’s true,” Matt said.

  
“That’s not what I was saying stop it too,” he said.

  
“Sorry,” Matt said.

  
“Are you two incestuous or something?” I asked them.

  
“In what?” Mike asked.

  
“Like what Da does with us,” I answered.

  
“Oh, you mean the sex?” Matt asked, “Kind of.” He admitted.

  
I could feel Mike’s face glowing even if I couldn’t see it. Two weeks ago, Mike admitted he didn’t like it but, now did he? I was so confused. It was too early for this.

  
“Stop,” Mike moaned sitting down on the couch, “just stop.”

  
“Sorry,” Matt said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“I think we should all go back to sleep for a while,” I said to them.

  
“What? No,” Matt said.

  
“You’re on it too much anyway. Go back to sleep,” I said getting my drink of water before I turned around, “Now.”

  
“Fine,” Matt sighed heavily as he turned off the TV, “Happy?”

  
“Come on,” I said not moving until they started walking down the hallway towards the bedrooms, “Thank you. Now try to really sleep ok?”

  
“Yeah, ok,” Matt said as Mike went into the bedroom Matt shutting the door behind them.

  
I went back into my room and struggled to try and get more sleep a knock waking me up maybe two hours later before mum opened the door, “Hey love?” she said quietly.

  
“Yeah mum?” I asked her.

  
“I promised Catty yesterday her and I would go out and do something together. Laura and Andy are still asleep for now but, Mac and Mary are up so I moved them and Shay out into the family room. I figured now was as good a time as any to take her out to eat and spend some alone time with Catherine so she’s getting ready. John’s dead asleep so I was wondering if…”

  
“I could watch them? Yeah. Matt and Mike were up super early,” I told her.

  
“Yeah, I got them back in bed,” she told me, “I was up feeding Shay and Mary around 3 and heard someone trying to turn on the TV. It was Matt up and moving around. I sent him back to bed.”

  
“It was five when I caught them, five thirty,” I told her, “They had the TV on and told me they couldn’t sleep.”

  
I left out what they said about Uncle Ben not sure mum knew he was there or not and not sure I could trust her not to flip out if I did happen to tell her. She sighed heavily shaking her head at me. She knew this was fucking us up.

  
“I’m not even sure you’re Da and I are going to leave tomorrow and go out just because Christmas threw everyone off. If only your Da wouldn’t have invited Hank over. I think everyone knew but me. I am such a shit mum how could I not know?” she muttered.

  
“Because John didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell you. Because Da gets so mad all the time and what would you do if you did know?” I pointed out to her.

  
“Make him leave my house,” she exclaimed, “It doesn’t matter if he’s only after your older brother your little brothers and sisters don’t need to be exposed to that.”

  
“No one does mum,” I said, “You wouldn’t have been able to make him leave.”

  
“Yeah, I would have,” she said defiantly, “You really think your Da is in charge of who is allowed in my house? Who is allowed near my kids? I can be a mama bear. Just you wait. Next time he tries anything I’ll show him.”

  
“If you say so mum,” I said, “Can you watch them for about 15 more minutes so I can shower and wake up a little?”

  
“Of course, love. They’re my babies not yours. Just let me know when you’re ready ok?”

  
“They are kind of mine too. I mean, I change them enough,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Only because you are one amazing big brother. You and John both,” she said before she kissed my cheek, “I love you.”

  
“I love you too mum,” I said getting up.

  
She gave me enough time to shower and get up where I went out into the living room. I think we ended up watching blue’s clues. Mary falling back to sleep about 20 minutes in being that she was only 2 months old and Seamus didn’t wake up at all. Like he slept like a stone. A stone that crapped his diaper after back to back blue’s clues was over and the big comfy couch came on.

  
I poured cereal for James when he appeared around 9 and he sat down and ended up playing with something behind me with Mac. About 20 minutes later Mike reappeared without his other half which was strange considering they were almost always together.

  
“Hey,” I said when he sat on the couch next to me.

  
“Hi,” he said quietly sitting back and paying close attention to the TV for a minute or two before he turned to look at me taking a deep breath before he spoke, “About earlier you’re not going to…”

  
I held up my finger and then checked to see how closely James was paying attention as he talked with Mac and played with him some distance behind us, “Tell anyone? No, I won’t I promise.”

  
“I don’t…the kissing part is nice. The cuddling it makes me feel safe. The other stuff it’s kind of…” he shrugged his shoulders.

  
So, he liked cuddling and kissing but not other things that Matt said he would stop doing. Ok, I could see why kissing and cuddling felt good. Made him feel safe but, I still wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I knew mum would flip if she found out. They were twins it was a bond that no one but another set of twins could ever understand and I knew that. It was still really fucking weird though.

  
“You’ve been telling him no, haven’t you?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, he usually listens,” he told me.

  
I nodded my head. At least he listened since that seemed like it was something Da and Ben never did.

  
“He was super mad earlier though, that’s why he kept making me get up. He doesn’t sleep good when he’s mad,” Mike told me, “he’s asleep now though.”

  
“Why was he mad?” I asked him.

  
“Uncle Ben. He doesn’t like when Ben makes me do things. He says it’s not fair because I don’t belong to Ben that I belong to him. He doesn’t like it when Ben touches me,” Mike told me.

  
“You do?” I asked him.

  
“No but, I can’t stop him,” Mike told me, “Matt hates it though. Like he gets really mad at Ben. I just get sad. Uncle Ben gets mean.”

  
“I know,” I said nodding my head, “trust me I know.”

  
“Yeah uncle Ben told us once that you were his. He said you’re not his anymore though, now we’re his. Me and Matt and that made Matt super mad. He said he doesn’t belong to anyone.”

  
“Matt’s right you guys don’t belong to anyone. You belong to yourselves. Like you said earlier you belong to you and no one else ok?” I told him and he nodded his head.

  
“I don’t like Uncle Ben. He gets mean. When Matty won’t do what Ben wants him to he hurts me or he tells Matt he’s going to hurt me. Uncle Ben’s not nice,” Mike told me.

  
“We’ll tell mum he’s here ok?” I said, “He won’t be here anymore if we tell her.”

  
“Da will be mad. Have you ever seen Da mad?” he asked me his eyes going wide.

  
“Not at me?” I asked.

  
“When he gets mad he kicks Matty. He’s really mean. He ties him up and kicks him so he can’t get up. He hurts him. He once left a bruise the size of his whole back,” Mike told me.

  
I didn’t remember that ever happening. However, in our family we didn’t usually walk around shirtless for obvious reasons so it was possible. Matt was a huge liar but, Mike hardly ever lied about anything probably because Matt lied enough for the both of them and he knew it.

  
“That sounds really painful,” I told him.

  
“It was. I felt it,” he told me.

  
The way he said so nonchalantly made me almost laugh. I mean I’d heard of twins having that connection before but, just the way he made it sound like it was a basic everyday thing was funny to my 10-year-old brain.

  
“What’s so funny?” he asked me.

  
“Nothing squirt,” I said shaking my head trying to shake my laughter out, “So do you think Matty was mad because of Ben?”

  
“Yeah. He listens to me less when he’s mad,” he told me and I nodded my head.

  
“Otherwise how are you doing?” I asked him.

  
“Ok. I mean I want to go back to school so I’m not stuck up here. We aren’t allowed in the rest of the house now. Mum told us,” he said, “It’s boring.”

  
“Yeah, I know that’s only because of Da though,” I said.

  
“Because he likes to…touch us?” he asked.

  
“Yeah. That would be why. If we stay up here together where everyone can see each other then we all know he’s not hurting anyone. That everyone is safe. That’s why mum sleeps up here now too in the nursery with the babies to make sure he doesn’t come up here and make anyone feel bad,” I told him.

  
“But Ben was up here last night and she didn’t do anything about it,” he told me.

  
“But she was sleeping,” I told him.

  
“No, she wasn’t I heard her,” he said frowning at me, “I heard her she told Matty to go back to bed to…” he trailed off.

  
“What?” I asked him to which he shook his head vigorously frowning at me, “Mike squirt please? What happened?”

  
“He sent Matty away because Matty was mad. He told him to go to his room that he didn’t need to be there and then he told Matty if he didn’t leave he would make it hurt. So, he did. I heard mum tell Matt to go to bed because he didn’t want to sleep because he knew what he was doing and he…Uncle Ben put his hand over my mouth and made me be very quiet. And Matt tried to tell mum he did and she just kept telling him to go to bed.”

  
My heart dropped. Mum had been awake while he was up here and she hadn’t known. It made sense. Why Matt would be without Mike, why he would leave him alone. If Matt thought the only way to keep Mike from being hurt worse was to leave him alone he would do it. It was something that I didn’t understand but, I knew that’s why he had left.

  
“Mum was tired squirt. It was the middle of the night,” I told him.

  
“It’s not fair!” he said loudly causing James to stop talking and turn to look at us.

  
“No, it’s not,” I agreed, “I’ll talk to mum ok? Tell her he was here.”

  
“He used his tongue,” he told me, “I hate it when he does that.”

  
“No kidding,” I agreed, “I’ll talk to mum later about it ok? I promise. I won’t say it was with you but, I’ll say he was home and hopefully she’ll understand that she needs to pay closer attention ok?”

  
“Ok,” he agreed, “Can we play Mario now? I never get to play because Matt always wants to play golden eye.”

  
“I’ll play Mario with you,” James said coming over and sitting with us.

  
“You sure?” he asked.

  
“I mean I’m not good at it but yeah,” he said.

  
“Well there you go,” I said, “You know video games aren’t my thing.”

  
“That’s because you’re boring,” James said before they both laughed at me.

  
“I am not boring,” I insisted.

  
“No, you are. You’re always reading or playing with the babies,” they told me.

  
“I am not playing…” I stopped and thought about it. I did spend a lot of time using Legos and making sure people didn’t put things in their mouth that they shouldn’t. They were right. I paid more attention to Andy and Laura and the babies then I did them because they usually kept their selves entertained, “Ok. You’re right.”

  
For being 10 I was very adult. But no one else was there to take care of them half the time. Karen helped. She helped a lot. With her around I actually got some reading done, got some school work done. Even if she was a cunt she did help with that so I could actually escape from the shit hole I was stuck in, lost in my anxiety and pain and allowed me to find something better, some place safer. I did watch movies too. I watched all types of movies but I didn’t very often play video games. I didn’t see the point when for my brothers, videos games were like breathing especially for Mike and Matt.

  
Karen was taking the day off because she was still on her vacation and would be back until the next day because she was staying over for new years to watch everyone which mum would be paying her extra for. Mum was way too nice to Karen. Way too nice.  
When Karen was there and mum wasn’t Karen ignored anyone over the age of five and left us to our own devices. James, Matt and Mike were in no way capable of taking care of themselves. They were 6 and 8 years old. They needed supervision which left me. So, I watched them while I read usually but, it would be nice to have her kick them off the video game sometimes to do other things. But, she never did that. She never made sure they were doing their homework or, cleaning up after themselves. I made sure they did those things. But it sucked because the only thing she was doing was babying the babies and then making meals which she always complained wasn’t her job.

  
That and with the way she treated John I was not a fan. And how sometimes she treated me like the same way she did him when I never did anything to her. I did my best to mind my own business. So, I was glad to not have her around even if it meant I was dealing with diapers on my own.

  
After that Seamus started screaming because he needed food. When I was done feeding and changing him I put Mac in his highchair and gave him some finger food while I fed and changed Mary and by then mum was on her way home and John was awake even if he wasn’t really engaging and more just laying on the couch drunk.

  
“Are you ok today?” I asked him.

  
He made a sound meaning he acknowledged I was speaking.

  
“I’m not sure what that means,” I told him.

  
“Tired,” he muttered.

  
“Well, it’s amazing to even really see your face considering its only noon,” I said.

  
“Don’t be mean please,” he told me.

  
“Sorry, I didn’t sleep well and we have a problem,” I sighed.

  
At that he sat up and looked at me, “Are you ok? Did something happen?” he asked in a hushed voice.

  
“Ben’s back,” I warned him.

  
“Did he hurt you?” he asked me.

  
“Mike,” I answered.

  
“Does mum know?” he asked me.

  
“No, I’m going to tell her. She needs to know,” I said.

  
“I agree. Are you going to tell her about…”?

  
“The pantry? I think it’s time to. Don’t you?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “If he’s coming up here to hurt them too? Or Da’s letting him come up here to hurt them than yeah.”

  
“Right,” I agreed nodding my head.

  
“I can tell her. If you want me to,” he told me.

  
“No, I’ll do it,” I told him, “it’s not a big deal.”

  
Just then the lift opened mum coming upstairs, “Hey mum?” John asked, “Can I go to the beach with Pat and Cole.”

  
Mum sighed like she was really thinking about it, “I’m not sure love I mean…”

  
“Please? They’re like my only friends mum. I’ll be out of the house, I’ll be safe,” he asked her.

  
“All right but home by five,” she said.

  
“Thanks,” he said smiling brightly suddenly wide awake.

  
I’m not sure what I did the rest of the day. However, I remember Da wanted everyone to eat downstairs. I don’t remember what was discussed but I remember being bored and nervous. Bored of the conversation that was uninteresting and nervous that Uncle Ben was going to pop out of the pantry at any second.

  
After I was done eating I didn’t want to deal with it so I remember taking a baby and heading upstairs Laura and Andy coming with me and then Mike coming up shortly after carrying I think it was Mary along with James and Cat but Mum and Matt and John were downstairs for a bit before mum followed with Mac. I don’t even remember what we talked about at Dinner that night preferring to spend it in my room until I heard a baby crying.

  
I sighed standing up and stretching before making my way to the nursery to find mum in there nursing, “Sorry mum,” I said quietly turning around to leave.

  
“Your fine love,” she said to me, “Are you doing ok?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “You’re leaving tomorrow?”

  
“After I’m done here I’m going to go talk to him about that. I don’t think it’s a good idea. Not with what happened yesterday. Not with the way John’s behaving,” she said rocking Mary slightly in her arms.

  
“I think he’ll be ok. Mum, if I tell you something you promise you won’t get mad?” I asked her.

  
“What is it now?” she sighed.

  
“Matt and Mike said that the reason they got up last night was Ben was here,” I answered.

  
“No, I would have heard him,” she said.

  
“Mike said Matt tried to tell you but that…”

  
“I wouldn’t listen,” she said closing her eyes in frustration, “I told him no excuses that it was too early for him to be up. I wouldn’t let him speak. I was too tired and too worried about your Da coming…to bother John. I can’t believe… I’ll be back,” she said handing Mary to me as she did up her shirt and rushed out of the room to the lift.

  
It was weird for me usually she let me turn around before she whipped her tit out but, you know I guess she was in a hurry and angry probably with herself and Da and so she just handed Mary over to me to burp I guess? I don’t know. After I burped Mary I made sure everyone was dry and then went out into the living room to sit down. I expected to see her again but it kept getting later. When the clock hit 7:30 I told everyone to start getting ready for bed.

  
“Mum told me she was going to put me to bed,” Cat told me when I told her to go brush her teeth.

  
“Well mum’s not up here and it’s almost bed time ok? So please go brush your teeth, if you hurry up I’ll read you and James a bedtime story in his room all right?” I told her.

  
“Really? Can I pick?” She asked me.

  
“Sure, now go on,” I told her.

  
“Can I listen too?” Mike asked me.

  
“If you hurry up,” I told him.

  
“Awesome!” he said.

  
By then Matt had been upstairs for a while. When he had gotten off the lift he had looked pleased with himself but Matt was Matt. Sometimes he was pleased about nothing and sometimes he was just fucking creepy. I hadn’t bothered to ask him about it. Apparently, he wasn’t happy with that because he strolled past me on his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

  
“Have you noticed John hasn’t come upstairs from dinner?” he asked me smiling slyly.

  
That’s when it struck me he was right. He hadn’t. Everyone else had come upstairs but John and surely by now he was home. Mum would be beyond pissed if he wasn’t home. His expression tipped me off.

  
“What do you know about it?” I asked him.

  
“He’s super afraid of Da,” he said.

  
“Can you blame him?” I asked.

  
“Da’s not that bad. Uncle Ben is worse. Uncle Ben hurts and he threatens me. I don’t like threats,” Matt said.

  
“What do you know about John? When did he get home?” I asked him, “Where is he.”

  
“If John weren’t such a whiny asshole and you weren’t Uncle Ben wouldn’t be my problem,” Matt said his eyes going cold.

  
“Matt? What did you do?” I asked feeling my stomach jump.

  
Now I wasn’t sure what to expect. I knew Matt had killed animals before, he had tried to assault Andrew but…would he hurt John? Would he really hurt John? He was fucking with me. He had to be fucking with me.

  
“I didn’t have to do anything,” Matt said quietly.

  
“What does that mean?” I hissed.

  
I felt like my heart was trying to escape from my chest. He didn’t have to do anything? What did that mean? What had he done?

  
He smiled shrugging his shoulders, “You’ll find out.”

  
“You tell me now!” I said.

  
“He’s so scared of him. Even hearing his footsteps on the stairs, he half freezes and half runs away,” Matt said.

  
I didn’t know what to do. I stood there frozen in shock. I understood what he meant, what he had done. He had purposefully put John in a place where Da could get to him. Where Da could get him alone so he could…

  
“Go to your room,” I hissed, “I see your face I’m going to punch you and I don’t care what mum has to say about it. You go to your room you don’t come out and you don’t get to see Mike.”

  
His eyes flashed. I didn’t like what I saw there. He was even more pissed at me now but oddly enough I wasn’t afraid of him just angry. Angry that he would do that to John when John had done nothing to him, when John had done nothing but try his best to take care of him.

  
“Mike is mine,” he said barely above a whisper.

  
“You want to fucking bet? You’re lucky you’re going to ever see him again when I tell mum…”

  
“You won’t tell mum,” he said sneering at me, “I didn’t do anything. Remember?”

  
“I’ll tell her everything. Everything you’ve done. You think she’ll let you sleep up here anymore? She’ll move you downstairs when she starts moving rooms around as Laura and Mary get older. Whose ass do you think Ben will be up than? And Da? When she finds out you tried to hurt…”

  
“It doesn’t hurt!” he hissed at me, “If it did maybe all of you would hate it less.”

  
“Go to your fucking room Matt. Now,” I said again pointing down the hallway as Mike came out of his bed room.

  
“What did he do?” Mike asked me sighing heavily.

  
“Something bad. Stay away from him tonight he’s being punished ok?” I told him.

  
“We always sleep in the same room,” he notified me.

  
“Yeah well you don’t tonight. Tonight, you sleep in your room and he sleeps in his. I’ll be checking and if I catch you together he’s not the only one that will be in trouble you understand?” I said.

  
“What did he do? Did he hurt someone?” Mike said, “he told me he wouldn’t ever…please tell me he didn’t.”

  
“He said he didn’t have to,” I told him before I shouted down the hallway, “Catty did you pick out your book yet?”

  
“All the places you will go,” she said running down the hallway at me so fast she almost slipped on the floor me catching her just in time.

  
“Slow down, don’t hurt yourself,” I told her, “Come on Jamie’s room.”

  
I went into Jamie’s bedroom just as he left his bathroom, “Are we getting a story?” he asked me looking at the two behind me.

  
“Yep Catty’s pick, everyone on the bed,” I said which caused three little bouncing bodies to hit the mattress hard as I sat down someone posing themselves on my shoulders which hurt slightly, “that hurts.”

  
“What does?” James asked me.

  
“You hanging on me like that, how about you sit in my lap instead ok?” I told him.

  
“Ok,” he said to which Mike moved to sit on my right side so Jamie could lay in my lap against my check.

  
“Thank you,” I told him before I kissed the top of his head,

“Congratulations!  
Today is your day.  
You're off to Great Places!  
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.  
You have feet in your shoes.  
You can steer yourself  
any direction you choose….”

  
It didn’t take long for them to start falling asleep. At least the younger two me finishing for Mike’s shake and picking Catty up and putting her to bed shutting the door quietly behind us as Mike and I stepped out into the hallway. He hugged me.

  
“I’m sorry he did something bad,” he told me, “You know this is going to make him mad, right?”

  
“He can be mad at me all he likes,” I told him, “I personally don’t care. He can’t do anything to me.”

  
“That’s what you think,” Mike said.

  
“What does that mean?” I asked him.

  
“You don’t know him like I know him. He’s bad sometimes Willy. Really bad. I keep him happy. If he’s not happy he does bad things,” he told me.

  
“He can’t hurt me and if I hear of him hurting you he won’t be happy because I will tell mum. I won’t coddle him anymore,” I told him.

  
“And what’s mum going to do about anything? She can’t stop Da what makes you think she could stop Matty? Da tells him it’s ok. He encourages him. We don’t get to be alone with him that often but when Da and Matty are alone they talk about bad things ok? Really bad things. He asked Da if he could have Andy Willy. Da told him Andy is too little. He didn’t say no he said he was too little. That he needed to practice and he should practice with me,” Mike told me.

  
“What are you saying?” I asked him.

  
“Kissing and stuff,” he answered quietly.

  
“When you say and stuff you mean the stuff he told me he would quit doing? The stuff you don’t like?” I asked.

  
“he has mostly. I told him next time he did it and it wasn’t ok I’d tell you and John things. Things that he told me he thought about and he doesn’t want you guys to know. Bad things. So, he won’t anymore unless I say it’s ok. Usually.” Mike admitted.

  
“Usually? That means he’s still doing it. Mike, you can’t…”

  
“YOU KEEP EVERYONE SAFE LET ME!” he hissed, “You’re my siblings too. Let me. Just because he’s confused and different doesn’t mean he’s bad. He’s Matt.”

  
“Mike he’s hurting you.”

  
“Not anymore. Not most of the time. Just leave it alone Will please? Don’t make him mad.” He pleaded with me.

  
“I don’t care how mad he is Mike he can’t do this. We already have enough problems,” I told him.

  
“I don’t want him to be mad,” he said.

  
“Who are you more afraid of being mad? Him or me?” I asked him.

  
“Him,” he answered.

  
“Ok let’s try this. Who are you more afraid of being mad if you go sleep in the same room with him tonight? Me, John and mum or him?” I asked him.

  
He bit his bottom lip in thought before he sighed heavily his shoulders shagging under the weight of his thoughts, “You guys.”

  
“There you go. So, listen to me. Go to sleep in your own room. Right now, it’s one night. It won’t hurt anyone ok? I promise and he can be mad at me all he likes,” I promised him.

  
“And if he comes into my room?” he asked me.

  
“You shout, you get mum’s attention or mine. I’m going downstairs to talk to mum right now actually since I’m pretty sure she’s downstairs,” I told him, “I won’t tell her the really bad stuff though just that you can’t be together tonight ok?”

  
“You promise?” he asked me.

  
“Just go to bed squirt ok?”

  
“Ok. Goodnight. I love you,” he told me hugging me.

  
“I love you too,” I said before he went into his own bedroom and shut the door.

  
I took the lift down and went to the room where mum usually hid knocking on the door, “Don’t come in!” she said as I opened the door before she could stop me.

  
She looked horrible her eye already starting to turn purple as she dabbed at it, her lip covered in dried blood.

  
“MUM!” I said loudly, “Mum what happe….”

  
“Nothing I can’t take care of love. Did you put them down for me?” she asked me.

  
I nodded my head, “mum what happened?”

  
“I’ll worry about it. Are you ok?” she asked me.

  
“I need to tell you something,” I said.

  
She sighed heavily and I could sense she wanted to cry, “What now?” she asked sitting down on the bed.

  
“It’s Matt. There’s something wrong with him mum. Something is really wrong with him.”

  
“What do you mean love?” She asked me.

  
“Well, he’s always been a little weird you know?” I asked her.

  
“I’m not sure what you mean,” she said.

  
“You know how Mike likes lizards and he used to catch them outside all the time but we’ve always found them dead in a couple of days? A couple of times it seemed like they’d been crushed or cut in half?” I asked her.

  
“Yes,” she said nodding her head paying close attention to me.

  
“Mike told me he started keeping them in the garage and that Matt found them and let them go,” I said, “Because Matt says if they can’t share them and Da is going to get mad Mike shouldn’t have them.”

  
“That doesn’t make any sense. You’re Da wouldn’t have problems with a Lizard just a dog,” Mum said.

  
“No mum, he killed them,” I said, “Mike didn’t tell me that but I’m pretty sure he killed them. He killed a bunny once because Mike wanted to keep it as a pet. He…they say he’s like Batman. That he’s dark and mad all the time but he tries to be Bruce. Nice and kind but…”

  
“I’m not sure I understand love. What are you saying?” she asked me.

  
“I once came upstairs I don’t remember where John and you and I were but he was on top of Andy mum. Cat was kicking at him telling him to stop and Andy and Laura were both screaming and crying. He was going to hurt him mum. Hurt him like Da…”

  
Mum shook her head, “No. he wouldn’t do that he loves you guys he especially loves Andy.”

  
“You mean like Da loves John?” I asked her.

  
“He’s…they’re little boys. He can’t feel that way about him. Are you sure that’s what happened? Are you sure you didn’t just mistake that?” she asked me.

  
“He almost said it mum. That’s how I know that’s what he was doing because he almost said it,” I said not explaining myself.

  
“Said what love?” she asked me quietly.

  
“Da when he…does things like that he says he doesn’t want to hurt me…that…that he…he ju…just wa-wa-wants ttt-to mmm-mmake me ff-feel good,” I barely managed to get out, “he looked at me and he said it about Andy mummy. He was going to do it. He was going…”

  
“Oh love,” she said hugging me pulling me into her lap, “It’s ok. It’s ok.”

  
“There’s something wrong with him. I think he took his time tonight at dinner because…” I sighed pulling myself together, “Because it was just him and John and he’s mad. He’s mad at us for I don’t even know. So, he took his time so Da could get to him. Hurt him, hurt John.”

  
“He’s eight love. He wouldn’t even think of that. He doesn’t understand what being vindictive is,” she said.

  
“He’s smarter than you think he is,” I told her, “mum he’s sick. There’s something wrong with him. He hurts Mike like Da hurts Mike. Because Da told him to practice. That they should practice.”

  
“When did this start happening?” she asked me quietly.

  
“A while ago. Before you came here. I didn’t think it was that bad mum but, Mike says he tells him how he thinks sometimes and that it’s bad things mum. He said they are so bad he doesn’t want us to know and that Mike is using it to blackmail Matt to keep Matt from hurting him. There’s something really really wrong with him mum. I’m serious,” I said.

  
“Ok,” mum said, “I’ll figure something out. I’m glad you told me.”

  
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

  
“Sorry for what? You didn’t do anything,” she told me.

  
“I’m just sorry,” I said.

  
“You have nothing to be sorry about. If Matt is doing these things and I believe you, I do. Then it’s on your Da it’s not on you. He’s the one who made him sick. Not you. I’m glad you told me though. Why don’t you go upstairs? I’ll be up shortly ok?”

  
“Ok,” I said quietly.

  
I had only been upstairs for a couple of minutes changed a diaper when I heard the lift. Thinking it was mum I was going to ask her what she planned to do and tell her that I had separated Mike and Matt for the night but when it opened it was John Jamie coming out of his room because of the noise too.

  
“Guys where’s mum?” James asked us.

  
“Downstairs bud,” I answered him quietly, “She’ll be up in a little bit. Go back to your room I’ll tell her you were asking for her ok?”

  
“Ok,” James said.

  
John hadn’t stopped at all but he looked disheveled hugging himself his shirt off and red mark along his collar bone. None of those things were a good sign. He didn’t look at me and didn’t speak as he walked past both of us me following him into his bedroom as I made sure James climbed back in bed before I went and knocked on his bedroom door. He didn’t answer so I opened it.

  
I could hear the shower water running. He was taking a shower. He always did that after it was done. I think all of us did honestly. I mean it made you feel pretty gross and dirty after they did that stuff to you so you just wanted to not feel it on your skin anymore, their mouths, their hands. You just wanted to be someone else, anyone that wasn’t you.

  
“John? What happened to mum?” I asked him.

  
“Da,” he muttered barely audible over the water running.

  
“He hit her?” I asked him sitting down on the toilet.

  
“She came into the living room and…he was,” I couldn’t hear him exhale but I was pretty sure he was sniffling or trying to find his voice and when he spoke again it sounded thick like he was trying not to cry as I stared at the shower curtain separating us and listened to the water run, “with me So, when she walked in on it he hit her and then kicked her.”

  
“He took you downstairs. Didn’t he?” I said.

  
Downstairs never meant anything good. Especially with Ben and I figured now that mum was back for Da it was very much the same. Downstairs only meant bad things. Only meant pain.

  
“Why does it matter?” he said sharply.

  
He felt like I was questioning him. Asking him what happened. To him it was something that even though it happened to everyone it was private. I understood why having seen Da with him. Seen him interact with him in that way. Da had a way of making it …making you feel like you had somehow asked for it to happen. For him to feel that way about you.

  
Like maybe you had walked around with your shirt off too much. Or looked at him too much while at dinner. He never said those things or at least hardly ever said those things. Gave you specific instances where you had caught his attention but he’d say, “if only you weren’t so…” like maybe if you stopped doing whatever it was you were doing, breathing or moving or whatever he wouldn’t do it.

  
It felt like John was always waiting for someone to blame him for it. Blame him for what Da did to him, to us. That wasn’t why I was asking. I was asking because it worried me, scared me and it would tell me what mood he was in. A question unasked that had been answered by the venom in his voice with those four simple words.

  
“Because it’s not right. Is there anything I can do to help? Do you need anything?” I asked quietly, calmly. I knew he wasn’t mad at me. Just upset. He had every right to be upset and I knew that.

  
It was silent for a minute just the sound of the running water hitting the bottom of the tub and probably him before he answered. I could barely hear him almost like he was afraid to ask. Afraid I would be mad at him or scold him for it, “If you go to the second office downstairs on the 3rd floor. In the bottom desk drawer, there’s a couple bottles. Can you bring them to me?” he asked.

  
“John, I…” I started to protest tell him no but he interrupted me the pain in his voice evident.

  
“He’s not done. He told me so himself. Please?” he said his voice shaking.

  
I knew I shouldn’t. That it wasn’t good for him but, he was hurting. If Da wasn’t done though I couldn’t see him being able to stand being in his own skin if he wasn’t drunk. Not after the way he had described to me how he could still feel them touching his skin when they were done, how he could feel it almost all the time. I sighed heavily, “Ok. Just this once though, all right?”

  
I didn’t hear him but I felt something in the air change from anxious and on edge to just sad like someone had taken all of the nervous energy in the room and blown it away with some of the steam that was starting to fill up the room and fog the mirror, “Thanks,” John responded quietly.

  
“Yeah, I’ll be back in a minute. After that I have to check everyone again, make sure that their all still in bed,” I said standing up and shutting the bathroom door behind me.

  
I wanted to be mad at him but I knew he was desperate. That he needed it in order to get through whatever was going on with him. I think the only reason why I agreed to it was because it was Da. That because it wasn’t Hank or Arthur and it was Da I understood more than I would like to admit. How badly that hurts that one of the people that is supposed to protect you the most wants to do that to you, hurt you like that. It’s a sense of betrayal that I can’t describe.

  
That betrayal makes it that much harder knowing that it’s not even that they’re hurting you but more that you’re pretty sure they don’t love you. That they’re supposed to protect you and they won’t. They won’t protect you from anyone or anything. That you mean as much to them as their sports car maybe even less because they’ll lend you out for rides. Where no one gets to ride in that new sports car without them present.

  
I knew I was in trouble when the lift door opened. When I heard them laughing, him laughing. I felt my chest tighten and hit the lift button to send me back up to safety but it was too late. They were coming out of one of the offices, Da’s office. The door was sliding closed but he bolted for it, using his hand to force it back open.

  
“Hi there,” he said looking me cocking his head so he was watching me closely his face sideways, “Connor told me you made a new friend.”

  
Mike and Matt were right. He was back. He was standing right there his hand against the lift door keeping it open a look flashing in his eyes like he was mad at me, like I had done something wrong. Like it was my fault.

  
“Ben what are…? Oh, hi Honey what are you doing down here?” Da asked me poking his head out the door.

  
I knew why I was there but I couldn’t speak my brain not able to tell my tongue to move or my voice box to vibrate. I felt frozen, like I was choking on air. Please, don’t this can’t be happening please don’t.

  
“I think your Da just asked you a question,” Ben said stepping into the lift with me making me take a step or two back until I was as flesh with the wall as I could be, “it’s ok. I won’t hurt you.”

  
I looked at Da. I don’t know why but I did and he just smiled. Almost like he was amused with my anxiety, my fear. How could he not get it? How could he not understand? I wanted to ask him to keep him away from me, plead with him to not let him touch me but, he would have just laughed or laughed and then gotten angry with me for telling him what to do.

  
“It’s ok honey, come on. Why don’t you and Ben come out here?” Da said gesturing me forward with his hand, “I was just telling him about Lionel and how he wants to change things. Wants you to be his boy for a while.”

  
“I can’t say I’m happy about it but,” Ben sighed turning around to look at Da, “Apparently because it’s a real offer and not just a favor it’s more important.”

  
“It will be very beneficial,” Da countered, “Will, come on honey it’s ok. Come out here, come out of the lift.”

  
I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to come out of the lift. I didn’t want him touching me. He hated me. He wanted to hurt me especially because he thought I had done something to make the leader want me. I could see it in his face the way his eyes flashed, the way he stood ridgid like a lion getting ready to pounce on a zebra.

  
“William, now,” Da said sternly.

  
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. If he got mad he could let Ben hurt me badly and then there wouldn’t anyone to take care of the babies in the morning. To make sure Karen fed Laura and Andy. I had to do it. I knew I had to do it. I stepped forward Ben taking both of my hands in his as he stepped out of the lift backwards his eyes focused only one me.

  
“There you are,” Ben whispered so quietly I wasn’t sure Da could hear him.

  
“You heard him on the phone Ben nothing that will leave marks or you will…”

  
“Pay the price, yeah yeah, I’m not 15. The worst thing he can do is fuck me and let’s face it I’m hardly his type,” Ben said turning to look at Da.

  
“You’re still young enough you fit what plenty of the older guys want,” Da pointed out to him.

  
“Please I could be a handler now. I’m old enough,” he said.

  
“What like you haven’t done ford?” Da said his eyebrows raising as he looked at Ben’s back as Ben stared at me.

  
“So? I had to take it up the ass from someone a couple of times to get my hands on…well…” he trailed off turning back to me and biting his bottom lip.

  
“Young ass?” Da questioned, “If only you didn’t get bored so easy with the ass you already had access to.”

  
“Hey that’s not on me,” Ben said turning to look at him, “You told me not to play rough so I found other ways to take care of that desire. Can you blame me? Don’t act like you don’t like the option to step out too. I know you do even if you’re mostly focused on one ass in particular.”

  
“Fine, fair enough. You heard what he said though, don’t leave any marks,” Da repeated.

  
“Yeah, I heard it,” Ben said, “I’ll behave myself. Scouts honor. What are you down here for anyway baby?” he asked turning his attention back to me.

  
“John wanted me to…to…,” my brain started blanking out as Ben ran his left hand over my jaw and the side of my face his thumb running down my cheek and over my bottom lip causing me to close my eyes trying to hide a shiver as it rippled through my muscles.

  
“Ben, you make it hard for him to think so could you just…for a second?” Da said, “What did John want Honey?”

  
“He…he wanted me to get him a drink,” I said quietly.

  
“Ah so he found my stash, did he? That’s ok, I’ll take it upstairs for him,” Da said, “Now remember…”

  
“Yeah yeah, no marks. I can remember that. It’s not that hard. That part anyway,” Ben said smiling at his own pun, “come on, come with me.”

  
I looked at Da but Da was already walking into the office. He was making me do this. He was making me be with him. Da was allowing him to rape me. I sighed closing my eyes trying to breathe, trying to accept it was going to happen, that I didn’t have a choice. That I had to let him do it.

  
“Come on, you don’t want to walk to the room I can throw you over my shoulder and carry you,” he told me his hand on my cheek again, “God you’re so sweet. I’m going to miss this.”

  
“Ben,” I said quietly.

  
His face was in my face, his nose pressed to mine as he cupped my face in his hands me able to feel his breath on my skin. Before he closed his eyes, “It’s just a goodbye for now ok baby? It doesn’t have to be for anything else.”

  
So that’s why he was doing this to me? Because he wouldn’t be allowed to sleep with me anymore while I was with the leader? He wanted to rape me because after this he wasn’t allowed to? I didn’t want this.

  
“Ben no,” I said pushing at his chest my pathetic attempt at pushing him away doing nothing but causing him to open his eyes, his hands moving from my face to my wrists.

  
His eyes flashed. Like he was angry, like he wanted to hit me, or be rough, “No, you don’t understand baby. You might not be mine right now but I was told I could get one last good fuck from you before I had to hand you over so I’m going to get it. You understand me?”

  
I thought about what Da had said. He couldn’t leave any marks. He wasn’t allowed to leave any marks on me, that meant…

  
“I said no,” I vehemently opposed his demand.

  
“I heard you but you’re mine. Just this one last time,” he said pulling hard on my wrists yanking me forward as I used my body weight to try and counter his pull.

  
“NO!” I screamed, “STOP! NO!”

  
I put my feet against his shins, trying to us his own body weight to push him away from me but he just held tighter to my wrists his thumbs pushing against my tendons making them hurt. I was trying to get away from him my arms pretty much useless me kicking at him and pressing against his legs with mine as hard as I could. If he wasn’t allowed to hurt me it meant he couldn’t hurt me no matter what I did. I didn’t want him to do that to me so I decided to try and fight him, to try and fight back against him because it was probably the only chance I would ever have to do so.

  
His expression changed him grimacing as he pulled me forward him shifting his legs so that my feet were no longer pressed against his shins causing me to slip the only thing keeping me from falling hard to the ground on my ass the fact that he had such a tight grip on my wrists. I didn’t want to be weak. I didn’t want him to win me making a noise of frustration somewhere in the back of my throat as he started dragging me by my arms down the hall.

  
“The only one who needs to stop is you. If you get hurt I’m not allowing them to blame me. You know you shouldn’t be fighting. So, you need to stop,” he warned as he walked backwards dragging me into the nearest bedroom.

  
He didn’t even bother to shut the door before he pulled me up roughly. before I could get my feet under me and forced me onto the bed. I don’t think I was crying but I remember breathing hard and trying to scramble away from him turning so I was laying on my stomach trying to crawl up the bed on all fours before he grabbed my pants roughly by the waist and yanked.

  
“You don’t want to make love I will fuck you,” he warned me.

  
I wasn’t even sure what the difference was. What he meant by that. I was 10 I didn’t know that much about the emotional connection most people associated with one while the other was rough and fast, a take it or leave it type of deal.

  
The comment must have confused me enough that I stopped struggling because the next thing I knew he was on top of me, on my back rubbing my neck and shoulders, “It’s ok baby. Just relax,” he said his energy changing. Him going from angry to sometimes else as he started kissing the nape of my neck, “It’s ok baby.”

  
I felt frozen, I could feel that he was naked against me, against my naked bottom. I wasn’t strong enough to push him off or turn around. I knew I wasn’t. At that point, I remember trying to shut down. Trying to just let it happen as his tongue slid down between my shoulder blades his hands traveling up my sides under my shirt pulling it up and off my body leaving it resting in the pillows above my head so he could restart his journey without a shirt stopping his tongue from tracing its way down my spine.  
I didn’t like it. My whole body tensing. I wasn’t ok with being naked underneath him. I wasn’t ok with his tongue sliding down my spine and into my crack. I made a noise that escaped my mouth before I could stop it which caused him to pause, “Yeah you like rimming don’t you baby?” he asked me.

  
I had never heard that expression used but I remember thinking “no, no I really really don’t like rimming.” A whole shiver going through my body as I made a mewling sound in the back of my throat the tingles traveling up my body from where his tongue was touching me.

  
I just wanted it to be over already. Wanted his hands to leave my skin. He shifted his weight before his one hand went around my throat not squeezing but, rubbing, the pads of his fingertips pressing hard against my clavicle on either side of my sternum as he used his knee to spread my legs a little wider forcing me up onto my knees.

  
He chuckled softly into my neck, “God, you feel so good. I’ve missed you so much baby. You have no idea.”

  
My face felt hot as he leaned over by my side grabbing a tube from the night stand drawer. I couldn’t find it in myself to move, to try and get away my whole body frozen before I felt his fingers sliding down, following the trail of spit his tongue at left there.  
“Just take a deep breath and relax ok baby?” he muttered kissing the nape of my neck before I felt one of his fingers starting to probe as I buried my face into the pillow under me.

  
It didn’t hurt but it felt uncomfortable like it always did causing me to wiggle. He moved his finger in and out slowly making it hard to breathe.

  
“You feel so good baby, really. I mean it. I can’t wait to be in inside you. God you’re so beautiful. I want to fuck you so bad, taste you,” he said his tongue lapping at me as he kept moving his finger.

  
It took everything in me to keep myself from screaming at him. To keep myself quiet. I didn’t want him doing that my face feeling heated with the effort of keeping silent as I bit my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. At that point, I tried to tune it out closing my eyes and trying to even my breathing.

  
I was stuck in it. Every bump of his finger and lap of his tongue sending a spark of electricity racing up and down my spine. Causing my hands to shake and my toes to curl as my knees trembled and my whole body twitched and shuddered. After a while he moved again, his one hand reaching under my hip and starting to stroke me immediately making my me feel light headed as he started to rub his hardness up against my scrotum between my legs.

  
“You want it baby?” he asked me.

  
I couldn’t say anything. If I had tried I would have screamed at him. Begged him to stop but I felt like my diaphragm was almost paralyzed. My chest tightening as he kept stroking me and lined up pushing inside me of me slowly, my body burning at the intrusion.

  
“Relax, you’re tensing. it’s going to hurt if you tense,” he warned me.

  
It hurt anyway. It didn’t matter if I was tense or not. That and it was kind of hard not to be tense with his hand wrapped around my dick and caressing my balls. I just tried to concentrate on my breathing as my body relented allowing him in me hissing slightly despite my best efforts.

  
“You’re getting good at playing the quiet game,” he muttered into the back of my left ear, “you feel good baby. Always so tight. I’m going to miss you so much baby.”

  
He rolled his hips pulling out before pushing forward. I clenched my eyes shut as my air way restricted. I didn’t want him. I wanted it to stop. I just wanted him to stop and I knew I couldn’t tell him that. Tell him I needed him to stop.

  
“Grind on me baby,” he as pushing into the curve of my hips, “It’s our last time for a little while. I want us to both enjoy it.”

  
I had never ground on him. I knew what he meant but I had never really…responded to him in that way. I had never wanted to. He thrusted hard pushing my whole body forward causing me to nearly bump my head on the headboard. Causing him to chuckle softly as he used one of his hands as a buffer just in time.

  
“Sorry baby,” he said, “You just feel so good…so…. fucking…good.”

  
He brushed against that spot causing me to gasp. At that point, I was glad he wasn’t making me face him. Because I didn’t want it. I didn’t want my body to like it. I didn’t want my body to respond to it but it was.

  
“You quit breathing,” he said quietly, “Breathe for me baby. It’ll feel so good. You want to feel good don’t you baby? Feel good with me. I have how good you feel how your ass squeezes my cock like it wants to swallow it. Like I want to swallow yours.”

  
I shook my head. I didn’t want his mouth there. I wanted him off me, I want him out of my body. This wasn’t ok. I couldn’t ignore this anymore. I moved trying to pull forward him grabbing my hips hard again and groaning in my ear loudly.

  
“That felt nice,” he whispered against my ear lobe his one hand pressing into my sternum forcing me onto all fours so I was no longer leaning into the pillows with my butt up in the air, “Come on baby, come for me.”

  
He started moving faster, grinding harder, pushing deeper into my body like he wanted reach my core causing my whole body to tremble. I had a hard time being silent. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted him off me. I kept telling myself I wasn’t going to cry. That I couldn’t cry. That he had no right to make me cry, or beg. My body feeling like it was on fire with the effort of trying to stay quiet and failing. He did something, moved a certain way and before I could stop myself I started whimpering like a kicked dog.

  
“It’s ok baby, come for me, just come for me,” he muttered before he started groaning his pace starting to slow as I felt that stickiness coat my inside. His hands squeezing me in just the right way rubbing in just the way to send me over the edge. I fell forward and he collapsed on top of me only for a minute or two before he rolled off my knees and thighs still shaking, my body burning with the effort of what had just happened. With the exhaustion that fighting him had caused.

  
We were both silent him as he caught his breath and me as I willed myself to be calm, to pretend he wasn’t there until he left. Until I could be alone. Him kissing my shoulder as I turned my head away hiding my face in the pillows so I didn’t have to look at him, So I could try my best to ignore him as he laid next to me staring at me, looking at me like that as he went through everything he had just done in his head.

  
“You’re amazing,” he muttered to my right shoulder as I kept my face turned left so he couldn’t see me and I didn’t have to look at him, “I’m definitely going to miss this. You feel so smooth inside, so perfect.”

  
I closed my eyes trying to will the words away from my ears. The sound of them almost stinging, hurting almost as badly as the feeling of his skin on mine, as him inside of me did. I just wanted him to leave. He was done so why wasn’t he leaving.

  
“I don’t think anyone will ever be as fun as you are but, I’ll find a substitute for a while. It’s only a year or two after all,” he said, “Has your Da told you what to expect?”

  
Of course, Da hadn’t told me. Da never told me anything. I read it in his emails. Lionel had said he was going to take me to the zoo and Cole had given me an idea of what that was going to be like. It was something I wasn’t looking forward to that was for sure. Vic had given me more hints. I didn’t want any of it. I didn’t want to hear about it anymore or think about it.

  
“Come on baby, don’t ignore me,” he said running his fingers slowly up my arm tickling making me jump. His hand feeling like a spider crawling on my skin my jerking causing him to laugh.

  
I wanted it to be done. To be finished but I wasn’t sure if he was. I wasn’t sure what he wanted from me or if I was allowed to leave. So, I sat up pulling my knees up to my chest wrapping my arms around them as I contracted my thigh muscles to hold my legs together as tightly as I could in case he tried to pry them apart. If he was going to touch me again he was going to leave a mark. I wanted to make sure of that. If he was going to keep going I wanted him to get in trouble for it because I was done. I was beyond done.

  
“Are you going to speak?” he asked me his voice turning cold, less amused.

  
I just shook my head in response still refusing to look at him. I just wanted him to go away or tell me I could leave. That he was finished and he was no longer allowed to touch me.

  
“You know I can ask him to use you right? That this doesn’t mean I can’t touch you it just means I have to get permission first. I wonder if I’ll get my invite to poker games back now considering. I mean you are my nephew and I did help train you. They’ll have fun with that seeing how long it takes to get you to scream.”

  
Now that got my attention my head snapping in his direction to look at him. What was he talking about? I knew what poker was but I didn’t know what that had to do with me. He laughed as I looked at him.

  
“There you are. That got your attention, didn’t it? When I first joined. Lionel would take all the recruits and host a poker game because he could. Usually we played with ones while he had…his….” He chuckled to himself like he knew an inside joke, “Anyway…the currency was clothes and then it was your boy blowing the winner of the hand under the table and then…other things. It’s actually a lot of fun. I was uninvited when Ford and Anderson decided the loser of a round got to be fisted and I was the loser and I do believe I bit Anderson. I’m too old to have hands in my ass. Fucking is one thing but I don’t do fisting. I hope I’ll get an invite back because some of those boys are really talented and it was always fun to see what the other players were packing,” he said shrugging his shoulders as he looked at me like it was no big deal.

  
Was he telling me I was supposed to do that? That I was supposed to crouch under a table and blow someone whenever Lionel wanted me to? That I was some trophy to be traded as people lost and won different hands in a card game?

  
That wasn’t fair. It was bad enough I had to be with him. That I had to go places with him and try to act normal as he whispered bad things in my ear as he touched my shoulders and made me act normal like it wasn’t a big deal. The worst part as I looked at him, smiling coyly at me was he thought it was funny.

  
He thought it was funny that Da was handing me over to him. For him to make me do things. Not just with Lionel himself but anyone that Lionel wanted me to.

  
“I think It’d be hot to see you like that. Sprawled out on the table, you know, like you were at your branding. It was so fucking sexy. I would have joined if I had been allowed to. You know that right?” he asked me.

  
“Can I leave?” I asked him.

  
He wasn’t giving me permission to go but I didn’t want to be there. So, I figured I’d ask. That I’d request that he let me go. I didn’t want to hear about him tell me some of the things that Lionel might make me do. I didn’t want to listen to him tell me how “hot” or “sexy” those things were to him.

  
“Not yet,” he said sitting up suddenly making me flinch, “Woah relax, I didn’t say I was going to do anything else. Do I scare you that much?”

  
I shook my head. I didn’t want him to know I was scared of him. Of all of them. That they all terrified me not just because of what I knew they were thinking and what I knew they wanted to do to me but because I knew about what they wanted to do to my brothers. My brothers some of which were so little they didn’t understand it.

  
“I think you’re lying. I think I do scare you,” he said.

  
“Why does it matter if you do or not?” I asked him.

  
“Because I don’t like being lied to. So, I would like to know,” he said looking at me, “At least I don’t pimp you out to whoever I’m trying to impress.”

  
“Because you can’t,” I said to him turning away and shrugging my shoulders.

  
He laughed boastfully at that, “You’re good. You really are turning into a teenager.”

  
“No, I’m just tired,” I answered, “Can I go now?”

  
“No,” he said frowning at me, “You leave when I say you can. You’re mine this is our last time. Maybe I’m recharging you don’t know.”

  
“You’re 25 what do you mean recharge?” I scoffed.

  
He frowned at me in the dark I could see his eyes flash, “What do you care maybe you aren’t the only one I’ve fucked today.” He said pointedly.

  
I felt the air catch in my throat. Did that mean that he’d hurt someone else? John? I wasn’t sure I wanted to know or wanted to really think about it. I sighed closing my eyes trying to hide the fact that he had upset me. Him laughing again as I did so.

  
“Relax it’s not like he minded. I actually think he enjoys it. He acts like he does, sticks his ass in the air for me showing off that tight little boy cunt for me. He’s fun but, he never feels as good as you do,” he said.

  
I felt my brow wrinkle as I tried to block out what he was saying because I was pretty sure I knew he was talking about. Matt. Matt said that sometimes he thought it felt good, that he liked it. It made me sick to my stomach thinking about it. About Ben touching my 8-year-old brother like that. It was wrong, even if Matt didn’t fight it or didn’t think it hurt it was wrong. The very idea of it turning my stomach causing me to rub my upper belly lightly trying to coax the bile back down to where it belonged before I threw up.

  
“Relax,” he said sitting back and grabbing the remote for the TV from somewhere, “Maybe there’s something on TV that you want to watch?”

  
“No,” I shook my head, “It’s late I’m tired.”

  
“What if I want you to spend the night with me?” he asked me turning to look at me.

  
It was hard to read his face in the dark. I wasn’t sure what he was expecting me to say. That I was ok with that? That I would do it because I wanted to and not because he was making me? I didn’t want to spend the night with him. I hated spending the night with him.

  
“Mum and Da are leaving tomorrow,” I answered quietly.

  
“I know, not until tomorrow evening though. That doesn’t answer my question. What if I want you to spend the night with me?” he asked again.

  
Was he serious? He wanted me to answer him for real? Tell him I was ok with that? Ok with giving him the ability of reaching over and fondling me in my sleep? Of staring at the real possibility that I might wake up with him pressing kisses into my skin before he made me do those things again? That he might rape me again.

  
I shook my head squeezing my legs even tighter the muscles contracting so much I felt a spasm of pain shoot from my shins up into my glutes. I didn’t want to spend the night with him. It didn’t matter what he did. What he promised me. I wouldn’t do it.

  
“Would you spend the night with me so Matty doesn’t have to?” he asked me quietly his weight shifting as he turned on the TV before muting it so that he was on his knees beside me facing me, his hand going to my cheek forcing me to turn to look at him.

  
Would I do it for Matty? No. If Matty really liked it like Matty always claimed he did even though it was wrong Matty wouldn’t have a problem with it. I shook my head ashamed that my answer was no. That I wasn’t willing to let Ben rape me so Matty didn’t have to deal with it. The thought making me hate myself a little bit.

  
“What about for Mike?” He asked smiling evilly at me, “Now Mike he tries so hard to hide. He doesn’t like it. He’s like you though once you hit that spot he squeals like a piglet all of his muscles relaxing. His body wants me to. His body begs for it. You want to put him through that? I’ll let him know it was you. That you did it. That you would rather me pump his boy pussy than yours. What type of brother do you think you’d be if you let that happen? Hell, what do you think Matt would think if you did the same to him. If I told him the only reason why he was with me was because you wouldn’t put out?”

  
He was right. Mike would never forgive me and I would never forgive myself. It was my job to protect them. To keep them safe and if I let Ben near them that wasn’t keeping them safe. That was the opposite. I might as well be raping them myself if I let that happen to them. The idea making me feel even sicker. The thought that I would even for a second consider letting Ben spend time with Matt making me want to hurt myself, to throw open the French doors that lead to the balcony and jump.

  
“That’s what I thought,” he said in response to my sad sigh, “Because you’re such a good brother. You take such good care of them.”

  
His hand slid from my cheek up along my jaw bone running back and forth softly behind my ear lobe before he trailed it down to my collar bone sending a shiver up my spine causing goose bumps to form. I closed my eyes trying to hide how scared I was that I knew what he was doing. That he was going to do it again. He only ever touched me like that when he wanted to do it again. Me closing my eyes trying to keep myself clam as I gulped.

  
“That’s one of the things I love about you. You’re such a good boy so perfect. So…,” he leaned in laying a peck against my neck as he straddled me using his body weight to push my knees down so he could sit on top of me, “sweet.”

  
I felt the scream that was stuck inside my chest as I looked at him, his eyes giving me that cold happy, satisfied look. That look that meant he was excited. I felt frozen not sure what to do my mind spinning out of control but going blank at the same time as his hands started to rub my shoulders him gyrating his hips slowly as he pressed down into my lap softly.

  
“Will you be sweet for me one last time baby?” he barely whispered, his lips barely moving as I looked into his face his smile softening a little bit as he looked at me illuminated by the glow of the TV “Your eyes are so wide right now. So, beautiful.”

  
He did wait for me to respond as he leaned forward his face going into my lap his mouth engulfing me making me shudder. I didn’t want to be sweet for him. I didn’t want his mouth there. I wanted him to stop, to just let me go. I rounded my lips like I was running the mile taking a long deep breath through my nose and then out my mouth trying to keep calm. Trying to ignore his hand caressing my balls as his tongue and lips did that dance. The feeling reminding me that I was slowly dying. That piece by piece, second by second I was dying.

  
It didn’t take long for him to get what he wanted from me, him making a show of whipping the corners of his mouth with his thumb making sure he didn’t miss any as I stared at him blankly wondering what he was going to do to me next. Wondering if he was going to push his way inside of me to relieve himself or if he was actually done with me.

  
“You look tired,” he said softly, “How about we curl up for the night? Go to sleep?” he asked me before he took the remote and turned off the TV.

  
He didn’t really give me a chance to respond only climbed up onto the bed beside me and pulled me into his chest kissing my forehead. I had no choice but to lay there. To listen to his heart beat and his breathing slow as his hand ceased its movement up and down my back his body relaxing, his grip on me loosening. I don’t remember falling asleep but he woke me up nudging my shoulder and kissing me as I rubbed my eyes trying to rub the sleep away.

  
“Baby you have to get up. It’s early. No one will pay attention if you go upstairs now,” he said, “I would come with you,” he said his hand going in-between my legs and rubbing causing me to become wide awake immediately “But, can’t have your mom knowing I’m here. So, you should get going.”

  
He let me go getting up and going to the bathroom. It still took me a minute to move, wondering where my clothes were, wondering if it mattered as I looked at the clock seeing that it was 5:30am. Karen wouldn’t be here yet. So that meant the odds of someone seeing me naked were pretty slim because while mum was upstairs asleep in the nursery she wouldn’t be awake either.

  
I climbed out of bed and got into the lift shivering at the cold air around me. At least Lionel and Da will be in New York with mum” I thought to myself. That meant that the odds of someone doing things to me were significantly decreased. I was hoping it meant we were safe for the night.


	37. ThirtySeven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will wakes up to find Matt in a horrible mood being a holy terror. James has a panic attack/flashback causing serious concern while Will gets more and more nervous about the clock ticking down to midnight and January first which means he has seven days left before he goes to the Zoo with Lionel before he truly alone with Lionel for the first time his anxiety being sky high. Matt's outbursts causing some serious concern from Karen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 654 to 674, **Warnings: Talk of child sexual abuse, PTSD, mental health issues, mental illness, talk of physical and sexual abuse, bullying, fighting, anxiety** So this is exciting we're almost to January first which is where I said I was going to end Will's part one. So maybe two or three more chapters. I know this seems like a crazy long day doesn't it? It really is. Again stuff is getting moved around because you know Drunk John remember things differently because that's what Alcohol does it messes with your brain and how you remember things so that will be fun to compare the order of events and how that will work. **Takes place between Chapter's 14 and the beginning of chapter 15 in John's POV pt1**
> 
> Yes Karen is retarded but believe it or not her "not my dad no that can't be true" is a very common response victims receive especially when their abuser is like Hank. Someone who has good standing in their community like a church leader or a police officer. John Wayne Gacy was actually very well known in his own community, volunteered with his neighborhood watch and Church (remind of you this a little bit, police officer, highly decorated and very well thought of but rapes little boys in his spare time?) Kind of scary huh? He was also know to volunteer to dress up as a clown at kids birthday parties which is why he was also known as a "Killer Clown" and very often threw an end of the summer bbq.

When the lift opened it opened to an empty hallway. The whole level beyond quiet. It almost felt haunted. Looking at the halls with the pictures of us doing different things on the walls looking picture perfect, flawless. I thought about what a lie that was sighing heavily as I looked at picture of John holding me in his lap, me maybe a week or two old my skin still pink and wrinkly, John obviously small staring at me in wonder. The only reason I could see the picture was because I had stared at it often enough to know what it looked like in the dark.

  
If only we could be as happy as we were in that picture I thought to myself. Thinking that perhaps that was before them. Before they turned into what they were now. I sighed opening my bedroom door and I could see a small form laying there under my covers causing me to sigh heavily. Jamie. Of course, it was Jamie. He must have snuck into my bed after I had gone downstairs. After I had put him to sleep. I tip toed quietly going into my bathroom and shutting the door.

  
I turned on the water adjusting the temperature when I heard a knock. I knew it was him. Usually he wasn’t a heavy sleeper and lately even less so. I sighed pulling the lever that turned on the shower head stepping behind the curtain before I called out to him, “You can come in.”

  
“Where were you?” he asked me.

  
I made a sound in the back of my throat, “You should have been sleeping in your own bed bud.”

  
“I couldn’t. You didn’t sleep in your own bed either,” he pointed out.

  
“I was busy,” I answered not wanting to get into it. Not wanting him to know what had happened. That Ben had trapped me downstairs and made me lay with him, spend the night with him.

  
“Was it him?” he asked me quietly as I heard his bare feet slapping against the tile.

  
I didn’t know what to say at first. No, it hadn’t been him but I didn’t want to talk about who it was. I didn’t want him to know Ben was there. If he told mum that Ben was there I imagined myself being in a lot of trouble. Because I knew that meant Da wouldn’t leave because mum would refuse to go with him and then…and then it would be him. I was sure of it.

  
“No,” I said quietly, “No, it wasn’t him.”

  
“Why weren’t you in bed then?” he asked me.

  
“It was something else,” I answered hoping he would drop the topic.

  
“Was it Da?” he asked me.

  
“Jamie bud? I don’t want to talk about it ok? Can you just like go back to sleep?” I asked him before I started rubbing shampoo into my hair. Before I started washing myself off.

  
“Are you going to go to sleep?” he asked me.

  
“No,” I answered, “I’m going to shower and get dressed. I have things I can do.”

  
“Aren’t you tired though?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah but it’s my job to take care of everyone and if Karen is in charge she’s going to suck so…” I said.

  
“Yeah, she does suck,” he admitted, “But why do you want me to go back to sleep?”

  
“Because you’re six and it’s 6am. School isn’t in so I think it would probably be a good idea for you to back to sleep for a little bit. You can stay in my bed just for the morning ok? You have to try and sleep in your own bed tomorrow night though,” I told him.

  
“But I did try. I really did,” he told me, “I had a night mare and you and mummy weren’t there and when I went to John’s room he told me to go away because he was tired.”

  
John had told him to go away? After everything that he’d been through. If anyone understood what he was going through right now besides me it was John and Mike. There was no reason John should have sent him away. None. I sighed heavily. I’d have to have a serious talk with him later at some point.

  
“Just try again tonight ok?” I told him as I soaped up my shower loofa.

  
I was tired but I felt gross and I knew why. It felt weird doing it with him right outside the curtain though. Washing myself like that, using the side of the tub to bend one of my knees slightly so I could reach back far enough to clean myself…there. Where he had been inside me, where his tongue had been and his mouth. I kind of just wanted him to leave.

  
“Just go to sleep for a while ok? I’ll come out when I’m done,” I suggested.

  
“In your bed, right?” he asked me to make sure.

  
“Right, for now,” I said nodding my head in agreement even though he couldn’t see me.

  
I heard him shut the bathroom door sighing deeply. At least I was alone for a while. Even if it wouldn’t be for much longer because mum hadn’t slept up here probably because of her face and how sore she was after what Da had done to her last night. Done to both her and John last night.

  
That meant it was just Karen and me. Lovely. That was just the news I wanted. Me and Karen working together while Karen complained about my mum and called John a liar. I didn’t want to deal with that today. I tried to my best to be silent as I got dressed.

Luckily James had fallen back to sleep and as I left my room quietly shutting the door behind me I heard a tiny squeal coming from the nursery and I knew just by the sound who it was.

  
It was Mary. She was wet and needed a change and sure enough just like James had said mum wasn’t there. I sighed as I reached over the crib and picked her up and kissed her on the top of her head, “Hi there sweet girl,” I told her quietly.

  
“Hi,” I heard and turned to face her, “Hi Laura I was talking to Mary.”

  
“Baby?” she asked.

  
“Yes, baby,” I said nodding my head as I took Mary over to the changing table as she continued to fuss.

  
It didn’t take me long to change her diaper and make sure everyone else was changed while I waited to hear anything from anyone the whole house still dead asleep. After I had gotten everyone back in bed for a while Mum must have let Karen in the house because the lift kicked on and there she was as I was pouring myself a glass of milk from the fridge.

  
“What are you doing up?” she asked me sounding annoyed.

  
“I couldn’t sleep. And you?” I asked her.

  
“I’m supposed to be here at 7:30 and it’s 7:30,” she pointed out.

  
“Is there some law that says I can’t be up at 7:30 on this day?” I questioned.

  
“Well, no but…” I cut her off.

  
“But what? I had trouble sleeping ok? It’s not a crime to have trouble sleeping,” I said.

  
“It is if you’re dreaming up more allegations,” she spat back.

  
I shook my head and rolled my eyes, “When have I ever said anything about your Dad?”

  
“You haven’t but you did say that Arty can go fuck himself. To me that sounds like an allegation,” she said.

  
“No that’s me saying I don’t want to talk about him or think about him. And it’s an insult, not an allegation. Don’t be ridiculous,” I said, “Would you like a glass of milk?”

  
“No thank you,” she answered, “I’m going to go change…”

  
“Already did it,” I said, “All four of them. Did first potty run of the day too. If you want to fe…”

  
“You can do that since you’re up,” she said, “Since you seem content to do my job the morning I’ll go sit down and watch TV.”

  
“Just because I’m up doesn’t mean I’m going to do your job for you. They are down for now but when they wake up they are going to want breakfast,” I said, “So maybe you should…” I went quiet as the lift kicked on.

  
“What’s wrong did you see a ghost or something?” she taunted me.

  
“Is mum coming up here? I wasn’t expecting to see her today,” I said quietly.

  
“She said she wasn’t feeling well. She was wearing sunglasses when she opened the door so I’m just assuming this but I don’t believe she’s coming around today. I’m going to start cutting up some melon if you care to start waking people up,” she quietly.

  
“I’m sure they are all going to be up shortly anyway Karen,” I said.

  
“Just do it. Please?” She sighed.

  
“Yeah ok,” I said as she muttered something I couldn’t understand behind me and I started down the hall.

  
When I got to Mike’s room I knocked on the door and opened it just a crack to find him already getting dressed on his own. He was already wide awake and shaking his head muttering to himself quietly. I had no idea how he knew it was time to get up but, was glad that he had listened to me. That he had made Matt sleep by himself. He turned frowning at me.

  
“How long have you been standing there?” he asked me crossing his arms over his chest and pursing his bottom lip.

  
“Only a second or two. Did you wake up on your own?” I asked him.

  
“Matty,” he told me simply as if I was supposed to understand what that meant.

  
“What did he do now?” I sighed heavily.

  
“Nothing, he’s just awake. He’s getting dressed. He had a hard time sleeping last night,” Mike told me.

  
“I would imagine so considering,” I said, “Karen is cutting up melon for breakfast.”

  
“What kind?” Mike asked me.

  
“I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention why?” I asked him.

  
“Just wondering,” he said as the door across the hall opened.

  
I turned around to find Matty staring daggers at me. So, Mike had been right he was pissed. He nodded his head in the direction of the kitchen without taking his eyes off me.

  
“Don’t look at me like that. You brought this on yourself,” I told him.

  
“Shove it,” he hissed before walking down the hallway away from me.

  
He wanted to be angry with me over nothing? Fine. That was his problem. I didn’t time have for it and I had bigger issues I had to worry about. For one whether mum and Da were actually going to leave and go to New York. Because if they didn’t that might very well mean HE wasn’t leaving for New York and I couldn’t deal with that. I needed HIM to leave. That way I had 8 days where I didn’t have to think about HIM and whether HE could get to me.

  
I shuddered thinking about it as I walked towards the kitchen stopping at my own door and knocking on it before opening it. He was still curled up in bed. The covers wrapped around him making him into a burrito. He looked peaceful for once. Something that I hadn’t seen from him in a while his face usually contorted in anxiety and depression.

  
I wondered if that was what I looked like while I was sleeping. My face the same relaxed expression as I had all of the covers pulled up against my ears. I bent over him pushing the hair back from his face stirring him lightly, “Come on bud, breakfast.” I said quietly.

  
“Ok,” he moaned before he rolled over turning his face towards the wall.

  
I waited a minute or two to see if he would move. He had probably fallen back to sleep so I tried again shaking his shoulder lightly, “Come on bud, it’s time to wake up. It’s almost 8:30.”

  
“It is really?” he asked finally sitting up still wrapped in the covers his arms and legs still not visible as he blinked at me sleepily.

  
“Yes, Karen is cutting up some melon,” I said, “Are you ok?”

  
“Yeah but…” he sighed heavily giving me a cautious look, “He came the day before Christmas and he stayed the whole time. Do you think he’s going to…?”

  
“No,” I cut him off shaking my head, “Da and mum are supposed to go to New York and spend the evening with him because he lives there. He’s not going to be here.”

  
“You promise?” he asked me barely a whisper.

  
“I…” I sighed. Was I sure he wasn’t going to come here? No, no I wasn’t sure of that myself and I was terrified of him. I was sure of one thing though. I wouldn’t let him touch James. Not again. Not ever again if I could help it, “I promise that he won’t hurt you. If he does come here I will do everything I can to make sure he doesn’t hurt you ok?”

  
“Ok,” he said quietly.

  
“You believe me, don’t you?” I asked him.

  
“I believe you’ll try.” He told me.

  
“Ok, we should get you up and dress. Get you something to eat,” I told him.

  
“Ok,” he agreed finally unwrapping himself from my covers and grabbing my hand as he slid off the bed, “I think I’m going to write a song.” He told me suddenly.

  
“Really?” I asked curious.

  
I mean I’d heard him mess around with the keys before and he was good at it but, I had never seen him really write anything down. Most of what he played was by ear or just him making stuff up as he went and while he was good at it seemed odd to me. The idea of him writing it down.

  
“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “I don’t know I keep hearing this song that I don’t think I’ve ever heard before so I’m going to write it down. Like the keys in order. I don’t know where to get the paper for the notes though.”

  
“You mean sheet music?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah. I forget what it’s called sometimes,” he said, “Is that bad?”

  
“You’re six. I think it’s normal that you forget what things are called sometimes,” I told him.

  
“I’m not just six though,” he informed me.

  
“Well, no. You’re a very smart six year old,” I agreed as we walked out into the kitchen him letting go of my hand.

  
“James why aren’t you dressed?” Karen questioned looking at him to which his face went red.

  
It wasn’t like he was naked. He was wearing my shirt which was admittedly hanging off of one shoulder and his underwear so, he was rather under dressed. I however didn’t like her pointing it out to him. There wasn’t any point in him being dressed unless he was going to be going downstairs.

  
“Karen. He’s fine,” I said as she set a plate of melon down in front of him.

  
“I’m in charge not you. And this just proves again that John is a…”

  
“Don’t start it,” I warned, “You might be his nanny but you aren’t mine and you aren’t John’s. So just stop.”

  
“Don’t want little brothers to know he’s a liar? Afraid that they’ll think you’re one too?” Karen asked.

  
“A liar about what?” Mike asked from the table before stuffing the last slice of melon from his bowl into his mouth.

  
“Your older brother accused my dad and some other people of touching him in ways that they shouldn’t,” Karen said.

  
“Will?” Mike asked looking at me to which Matt smiled boldly before he said…

  
“You mean touching his penis?”

  
Karen’s mouth fell open in shock. I would have laughed if I wasn’t so shocked myself. Matt knew the rules. He knew that wasn’t something we talked about. Especially not in front of Karen.

  
Mike put his head in his hands resting his elbows on the table.

  
“Wh-wh-what did you just say?” Karen asked Matt.

  
“You know…like…,” his raised his eyebrows twice and winked while clicking his tongue.

  
This was not happening. Please tell me this was god playing some seriously sick shit in my dreams. I doubted it but I closed my eyes hoping that when I opened them again I would find myself sleeping my bed.

  
“Huh,” Karen muttered, “What would you know about that?”

  
“It feels kind of awesome even if it burns a little at first,” Matt said.

  
“I’ve never heard anyone describe it that way. Quit joking around Matt. If someone really touched you there I’m sure you wouldn’t describe it that way,” Karen said.

  
“Well if they’re putting their other finger in your butt it does burn a little bit,” he said candidly.

  
I opened my eyes. Nope, god wasn’t playing some weird game with my head. I was still standing in the kitchen. This was not great. This was very far from great.

  
Karen frowned sitting down at the table next to Mike who still hadn’t taken his head out of his hands. She pursed her lips and sighed heavily before she spoke again, “Has anyone ever done that to you Matthew?”

  
Matt shrugged his shoulder, “Can I go play now?”

  
“Matthew?” Karen tried again, “Can you tell me please?”

  
“Why? Other than the burning it doesn’t hurt. I’ve told John and Will that too. I don’t see why it’s a big deal. It doesn’t hurt,” he said starting to get angry, “Can I go play now?”

  
“Matthew, are you…?” Karen sighed her expressions doing something weird as she looked at the wall behind Matthew’s head, “It couldn’t have been my Dad. You’ve hardly been near my dad.”

  
“It was mine? Can I go play now?” he asked his frown growing.

  
“Your…?” Karen nodded her head and he took that as permission to leave, “Michael? Michael kiddo look at me. Come on,” Karen said grabbing one of Mike’s wrists who was still hiding his face in his hands.

  
“Karen leave him alone,” I said.

  
“You heard what he just said Will,” Karen said, “If he’s doing it to him what is he doing to Michael?”

  
“Or John maybe? Or Me? Or hell James and Catherine you mean? Fuck you Karen. You didn’t care when it was someone else why do you care now?” I spat, “John and I are liars remember? What makes you so sure everyone else isn’t spreading the same lies?”

  
“Come on Mike,” I said putting my hand on his shoulder, “Come on its ok.”

  
“Da is going to be so mad. I told him not to,” Mike barely managed to whine.

  
“It’s not your fault sport. Come on its ok,” I said as I hugged him.

  
“I told him not to. I did. I told him not to,” Mike just kept repeating as I walked backwards down the hall while hugging him.

  
When I found his bottom bunk I said down pulling him with me into my lap, “It’s ok sport. You didn’t do anything wrong ok? It wasn’t you. It was Matt because Matt’s mad.”

  
“He knows and he’s so mad at you. He knows everything. I told him not to. I did I swear Will. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I told him not to,” he just kept mumbling into my lap between his sobs.

  
“You didn’t do anything wrong sport, it’s ok. You’re ok,” I repeated running my hand through his hair until he calmed down. At some point James coming in and sitting on the floor silently watching us.

  
“He’s so mean sometimes,” Mike finally managed to say after a while.

  
“Yeah,” I agreed, “I know he’s mad but why would he risk getting in trouble with Da?”

  
“Don’t you get it?” Mike asked me nearly jumping out of my lap and looking at me, “He wants Da to stay here. Because if Da…”

  
I felt like I’d been socked in the stomach. If Da stayed that meant mum was staying and the leader was either staying here with them or coming back to spend the New Year with them. That meant he was here. And …

  
“How does he know?” I asked Mike.

  
“He heard Uncle Ben talking to Da about it. About how Uncle Ben wasn’t supposed to…you know anymore. That Da was giving us to him. He got mad because I’m not Da’s to give. He says I’m his. He would never tell that to Da but…it wasn’t that hard to figure out,” Mike explained.

  
“Does he realize what he’s doing? That that doesn’t just hurt me? But any of us? It could be any of us. It could be James.” I pointed out.

  
“He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about James. I told him that it could be James and he said it didn’t matter because it would be you too. That you deserved it for…being you,” Mike said, “I talked him out of it. At least I thought I did.”

  
I felt like it was anything but ok however, I said the words anyway because Mike wasn’t to blame for any of this and I felt like on some level Matt was so mad he didn’t realize what he was doing. That’s what I thought at the time, that he had no idea the extent of the damage he was possibly causing , “It’s ok. It’s not your fault.”

  
“Matt doesn’t care about me?” I heard a tiny little peep from the corner of the room, “Matt would let him hurt me?”

  
“Matt wasn’t doing it to hurt you bud,” I sighed quietly, “He was doing it to try and hurt me.”

  
“I don’t like that man,” he said his shoulders shaking, shivering almost like he was cold his skin going pasty.

  
Mike jumped up out of my lap, “Jamie?” he asked.

  
You could tell something was wrong. I knew what it was. That was something John did sometimes. Sometimes he’d just get so scared and then it was like he wasn’t there anymore but somewhere else, somewhere in the back of his head where you couldn’t reach him.

  
“Jamie,” Mike said again getting off the bed.

  
“Mike don’t touch him,” I warned.

  
The only reason I knew Mike shouldn’t touch him was because it was something that John often did before we left for home, for London. He would go quiet and shake staring wide-eyed at nothing. I tried to touching him once to get him to snap out of it and he head butted me in the face. I had only been maybe seven at the time and he had been around nine. He had cried and hugged me before pulling me into the bathroom and cleaning up my face begging me not to tell mum and telling me he was sorry. That he had hadn’t meant to hurt me that it is…that he felt cold inside and then he couldn’t get away.

  
I think the only reason I understood what he was referring to and never told mum about him head butting me was because I had seen what Ben had done to him. Heard him screaming and heard how much it probably hurt. Of course he couldn’t have gotten away. He was barely bigger than I was and Uncle Ben was 21 at the time. Ben was full grown and we were little kids. Hell, it was only 4 years later just about and we were still very much little kids.

  
“Why not? I’m not going to hurt him. I’m not mean he’s my little brother,” Mike said giving me a hard look.

  
“I know you won’t. I just don’t want…I’ve seen this before. Jamie?” I said turning my attention to James, “Jamie can you hear me?”

  
His expression didn’t change but he nodded his head slowly. That was good. Sometimes when John did this he didn’t respond at all. Almost like he was trapped inside his body reliving whatever nightmares they had put him through.

  
“What do you see?” I asked him.

  
“You,” he answered me in a whisper.

  
“What are you…?” I trailed off not sure how I wanted to put it.

  
“It…I want it stop. Make it stop,” He muttered before he started rocking back and forth hugging himself tightly around the chest.

  
“Mike can you go get Hugh?” I asked him.

  
“Which one is that? The bear or the Dolphin?” Mike asked me.

  
“Dolphin I think,” I answered.

  
“Ok,” Mike said before he looked at James, “I’ll be right back ok? I’m going to go get Hugh. He’ll make it better ok?”

  
“I want it stop. Make it stop. I don’t want to feel them anymore,” he whimpered rocking harder as he started to cry.

  
“Do you need a hug? Do you think that would help?” I asked to which he nodded his head vigorously and I got off the bed and down on the floor next to him as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and climbed into my lap squeezing me, “It’s ok. I’m right here. I know how scary this must be but, they can’t hurt you right now ok? It’s just you and me and Mike is going to get Hugh and It’s going to be ok for right now I promise. Just hold on bud.”

  
“I don’t want to feel them anymore,” he whimpered again before he let out a high-pitched whine and started sobbing.

  
“I know bud,” I said rubbing his back trying to quiet him, “I know.”

  
Mike came running back into the room almost tumbling forward as Hugh hit me in the face, “I got Hugh for you.” Mike said sitting down besides us with a loud “flump” on the carpet.

  
“Thank you,” I said picking Hugh up and sandwiching him in-between James and I as he curled around his stuffed Dolphin for comfort.

  
“What’s wrong with him?” Mike asked quietly sitting on my right side as I rocked James back and forth in my lap gently trying to calm him down like someone might a screaming toddler.

  
“I don’t know. I just know John does this sometimes. Or he used to. And it was always bad. It always took him forever to calm down,” I told him.

  
“I’m sorry,” Mike said quietly, “I’m sorry Matty is so mean. I tell him not to be you know?”

  
“I know. I don’t think this was Matty,” I told him.

  
“No. I know it was. If Matty hadn’t of told Karen all that stuff then Da wouldn’t be getting mad. Then James wouldn’t be so sad,” he told me.

  
“We don’t know if Da is mad yet,” I reminded him, “It might be nothing ok? And if anyone is getting in trouble I think it’s going to be Matty. For telling Karen all of that stuff. He knows he’s not supposed to say anything.”

  
“Do you think Da will stay home?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know. I think Da put a lot of planning into spending the New Year away from home so I don’t see him throwing that away because Matt said something he shouldn’t unless of course Karen refuses to stay with us tonight. However, Da and mum are going to be paying her a lot to stay overnight with us so I don’t know why she would pass that up. Especially if she’s as selfish as I think she is,” I answered.

  
“Make it stop!” James screamed in my ear suddenly shrieking at a very high volume, “MAKE IT STOP WILLY PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!”

  
“Ok bud,” I said shifting my weight so I could stand us up, “Mike can you start a bath for us?”

  
“Why?” he asked loudly over James’ sobs.

  
“I think he’s…I think it’ll help him,” I said as Karen came stomping into the room.

  
“Why is he screaming?” She asked me.

  
“He’s not feeling well, Karen. Why do you think?” I asked a bit of a bite to my voice.

  
“Did you hurt him?” she asked her eyes flashing at me.

  
“Would he be clinging to me for dear life if I had?” I asked, “Bud it’s ok. We’re going to make it stop all right? We’re going to give you a bath that way you don’t have to feel it anymore ok?”

  
He nodded his head in response and continued to cry into my shoulder burying his head against my shirt. I felt so helpless. I wanted to make it go away for him. I didn’t know what it was called when that happened back then. When you could feel them touching you. Sometimes even hear and see them, smell them even. Like it was happening in that moment and you knew it wasn’t but it felt like it was. How scary that was and how you just wanted to do anything and everything to get away. Because even though some part of you knew that while it wasn’t happening to you in that moment, that it had happened. That you just wanted to forget. Would do anything to forget.

  
Karen frowned at me, “Feel what?” she asked her nose wrinkling in a way that made her look ugly and stupid.

  
“Just it,” I muttered, “It’s ok bud. It’s ok.”

  
“What is it?” she asked me.

  
“I don’t know Karen?” I answered losing my patience with her, “Maybe having someone shove their dick up your ass. Maybe someone’s hands on your skin when you don’t want them touching you? Maybe that’s what IT is.”

  
“He’s only six,” she said staring at us blankly before I felt someone pull on my shirt sleeve and turned to find Mike looking at me, his expression worried and scared.

  
“It’s running,” he said quietly, “Is he going to be ok?”

  
“If he doesn’t stop soon I’ll go downstairs and get mum,” I said to him, “I don’t want you going by yourself.”

  
He nodded his head as Karen sighed looking at us as I turned and took him into the bathroom, “I’ll go get your mum.”

  
“Karen…” I said as I tried to set James down on the floor and his arms tightened around my neck making it impossible for me to put him down.

  
“Yes?” she asked me.

  
“Can you feed everyone? I’ll be there in a couple of minutes. Don’t go get mum yet,” I pleaded.

  
“I think I probably…”

  
“Karen,” I said coldly, warningly, “Please. Not yet. Just do your job and I’ll take care of this ok?”

  
She sighed but thought about it. If mum had told her when Karen came in that day not to bother her it was probably best for Karen not to bother her and Karen knew that. Karen knew unless someone was dying or the house was on fire she should leave mum alone. Mum was paying Karen to look after us so she didn’t have to be there every two seconds not so Karen could come and get her every time someone broke down screaming and crying.

  
“Ok,” Karen said nodding her head, “You have 20 minutes.”

  
“Thank you,” I said shutting the door behind me shutting Karen out while I shut Mike , James and I in, “Come on bud, let’s get your clothes off so we can stop it ok?”

  
“It’ll make it stop?” he asked me sounding doubtful.

  
“For now,” I said nodding my head trying to encourage him out of my arms, “It’s ok. No one here is going to hurt you. I promise the water, the bubbles. It will make it stop ok?”

  
He nodded his head before he let go of me and ripped his clothes off climbing into the tub. Once he was in the water he started to settle down. Almost like he was starting to feel safe in his own skin again, accept that it was his, that his body belonged to him and not to some invisible force that was attacking him. Doing those things to him.

  
I picked up the shower poof and put body wash on it holding it out for him that he took and started rubbing hard into his skin. It worried me that he was scrubbing so hard but I knew better than to stop him. That it would be hard to hurt himself with a shower loofa and it was better than him using his finger nails which was something I had witnessed John do a time or two after having an attack like that.

  
“You know what I like to imagine?” I said trying to take his mind somewhere else.

  
“What?” he asked looking at me as he sniffled his eyes blood shot and puffy and his nose a little runny causing him to snort.

  
“I like to think that the bubbles near the drain have all the bad stuff in them and that when the water runs out the bad stuff is draining away with it,” I told him smiling sadly at him.

  
“Does it work?” he asked me.

  
“It calms me down,” I said nodding my head.

  
“I can pop the bad ones,” Mike said before he reached out and popped a bubble that was floating around the water’s surface by the drain causing James to smile, “See? It’s gone now. That bad stuff is gone and it’s not coming back.”

  
“Will this stuff make me smell different?” James asked me.

  
“I’m not sure what you mean bud,” I said, “What do you mean make you smell different?”

  
His face flushed pink around his cheeks, “Just like…not like me.”

  
“What do you think is wrong with the way you smell?” I asked him.

  
He mumbled something into the water the I didn’t understand squeezing the shower poof in his hands hard making it stud heavily before he started scrubbing himself roughly with it again. I didn’t know what to say or what he meant. I grabbed his hand and repeated myself, “What do you think is wrong with the way you smell?”

  
“He said I smelt good. I don’t want him to think I smell good. I don’t want to smell good to him. Not anywhere.” he said his cheeks darkening with every word.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I think I understand.”

  
So that’s why he’d been so hell bent on not sleeping his in his own bed or wearing his own clothes. He didn’t want to have to smell himself. But he wanted to smell something firmilar, something safe. I knew Lionel said weird things. He just did.

  
The couple of times he had been with me he had kept calling me little one and telling me how I felt like satin against his fingers and what not. How I smelt good. It wasn’t something Da really commented on how you smelled or how you felt in detail. Not like Lionel did. It was hard to explain but, Lionel had a way of getting under my skin that even Da couldn’t emulate. So I understood exactly what James was dealing with.

  
“How about you finish washing up and I’ll go get you another shirt ok? Do you need another liner?” I asked him.

  
He shook his head and Mike looked at me funny. At this point I don’t think Mike had been through that yet. He was probably the only one who hadn’t. I didn’t feel like explaining it to him at that particular moment so I like him continue to stare at me dumb founded as James sighed.

  
“No, I don’t think so. It stopped like …a little bit ago,” he told me quietly.

  
“Ok, I’ll be back,” I said and got up closing the door behind me.

  
When I left the bathroom, Karen was standing out in the hallway. I sighed heavily. When I said I would talk to her about it I didn’t mean right that second. Couldn’t she at least let me get him dressed first?

  
“Hey,” she said still leaning back against the wall folding her arms over her chest.

  
“Not right now,” I said barely bothering to glance in her direction before I took off down the hall to my room and opened my dresser drawer going through my t-shirts trying to find him one that was too small for me.

  
“No, right now William,” she warned me using my full name which was hardly ever uttered, “What was that? I’ve only ever seen…”

  
“What? Girls do that?” I asked.

  
She sighed and nodded her head.

  
“Welcome to our world Karen, this what people like them do to kids. This is what people like your Dad do…,” I hissed.

  
“Don’t bring my dad into this again. My dad is a good man,” she said.

  
“I’ve heard about Cha….”

  
“DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING MENTION HIS NAME AGAIN!” she screamed at me.

  
“You know what he did. You know what happened. I’ve heard Cole and Pat talk about it,” I told her.

  
“I don’t know what happened one minute he was breathing and the next he wasn’t ok? That doesn’t mean my Dad did anything. Sure, he was the only one there but that doesn’t mean…”

  
“Your dad is a police officer. He has medical training for emergencies what do you think happened? He could have saved him and he didn’t. Or maybe he did something to the point where he couldn’t get him back but six-year old’s don’t stop breathing on their own Karen. It doesn’t happen. You know somewhere deep down it doesn’t just happen,” I said finding a shirt I found suitable and pulling it out.

  
“No that’s not right he tried to save him he did. And he had asthma. Dad tried to save him. Pat’s wrong and you’re wrong too. All of you are full of it. God your parents don’t pay me enough to listen to this bullshit. At the very least I need help so I don’t have to listen to you guys spread outright lies about my dad.” Karen said.

  
“When was the first time Pat ever said anything to you about your dad?” I asked her.

  
“He was making shit up like he always does. He always has and he always will so why does it matter?” she asked me.

  
“Statistically young kids are less likely to lie about things like that than older kids because they know telling a lie like that will get them into an incalculable amount of trouble. So how old was he? 10? 11? I asked her.”

  
“Four. But Dad was giving him a bath it wasn’t that…,” she sighed, “My dad isn’t like that. Just because yours is doesn’t mean mine is.”

  
“Well, they say the company you keep says a lot about you. So, think about it that way. Why would your Dad hang out with mine if they didn’t have things in common? I mean your Dad isn’t nearly as rich or as cultured as mine. So why would my Dad want to hang out with your dad if they didn’t have anything in common?” I asked her.

  
“Because he’s in the community. Your dad gives to Charity just like Lionel does. They’re good friends and good people,” Karen said, “Or at least I thought they were.”

  
I felt my heart beating against my chest. I wasn’t going to do this. I wasn’t going to let his name get to me like this. I wasn’t going to allow myself to shudder in fear that someone was going to say it, to talk about him. She was right he gave to charity he…invested money in things he…did a lot of things that you would think “nice guys” would do. That didn’t mean he was a nice guy though.

  
He had raped my little brother and he had raped me. He had raped god knows who else and probably killed at least one kid. One kid like those kids I met in the Villa who had no family and no one that cared. He had taken someone that was so…helpless and vulnerable and probably taken from them the one thing they had left, their life.

  
“I have to go give this to James. I’ll see if I can get him to nap,” I told her.

  
“Can I ask…? You know, what happened? Why he…?” she trailed off.

  
“Why he’s crying and scared? Because it’s hard to get it out of your head when someone does that to you. I can’t explain it. I don’t know anyone that really can explain it right but, it’s hard ok?” I told her to which she nodded her head.

  
“My dad isn’t like that though.”

  
I didn’t even bother to give her an answer. She wanted to deny what her dad was that was her problem until it interfered with my brothers again. As long as Hank stayed away she could close her eyes to it all she wanted but the moment I saw his face and he became my problem again I was going to find a way to shove the truth so hard and fast down her throat she choked on it. I walked away taking the shirt with me to hand it over to him. I hoped I’d be able to get him to nap now that it seemed like he had calmed down and was no longer screaming and sobbing. It felt painful to listen to him to any of them when that happened. It caused my soul to ache knowing there was nothing I could to help them, to alleviate their pain.

  
When I came back into the room he was just climbing out of the tub Mikey helping him to make sure he didn’t slip, “It’s ok. I’ll explain to Matty why what he did was wrong. And it’s not that he doesn’t love you it’s that he…I don’t think he feels love like we do? He cares about you though. I promise he does,” Mike tried to explain.

  
“He would let that guy… I really don’t like him Mikey he makes me feel bad,” James said quietly.

  
“I know,” Mike said as he took the towel from him and rubbed his Jamie’s head with it, drying his hair, “Can I ask you a question?”

  
“I don’t know,” James answered, “I don’t like talking about it.”

  
“John and Will say it hurts. Does it?” he asked quietly, “I’m not asking because I want to upset you. I’m asking because I’m scared because…”

  
James nodded his head, “It hurt a lot. I don’t want to…” he said his voice shaking.

  
“I’m sorry,” Mike said hugging him, “I’m sorry. I’m just scared too ok? I don’t know what to do. Because I know…he said he would next time and I don’t … I don’t know what to do.”

  
“You’ll be ok. And I’ll be here,” I said from the doorway where I was watching, “I’ll be here to help you just like I helped James. Come on bud, I got you a shirt and we’re going to go lay down ok?”

  
“You’ll stay with me?” he asked me.

  
“Until you fall asleep. I think you might need a nap today and we’re still on break for a while so…,” I answered him.

  
“You promise? You won’t leave until I’m safe until I’m asleep?” he asked me.

  
He only felt safe when he was sleeping? That was the time I felt most unsafe was when I was trying to sleep and just a couple nights before he had told me he was afraid to sleep because he knew Da came upstairs at night and he was afraid of him. He wasn’t making any sense to me but, I tried to brush off the confusion. He was a kid, he was a scared little kid.

  
“I promise,” I sighed as he pulled the t-shirt up over his head, “You want to go get some pants and what not while I make sure Karen doesn’t need help with the babies?”

  
He nodded his head and walked off. I didn’t bother to check on Karen but, I took a minute to myself going into Matts empty bathroom and shutting the door. I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt lost and confused and scared. Scared that these things were happening and there was nothing I could do to stop them. That my family was falling apart in front of me, mum had locked herself away. And then I remembered I was his. The thought hitting me again making me feel frozen that in 8 days I was…I didn’t want to see him again. How James had acted. The crying and screaming and sobbing. That’s how I wanted to act when I thought about him and I knew I couldn’t. That I wasn’t allowed to do that because they needed me. They needed me to be strong like John was strong usually. Especially because mum and John were being not strong. I sighed and pulled myself together going into my room where I found James curled up in my bed already.

  
“Hey. Are you feeling better?” I asked him as I pulled the covers up and climbed under them opening my arms where he settled against my chest.

  
“I don’t want to think about him anymore,” he told me quietly.

  
“I don’t want to think about him anymore either,” I told him, “We’re together and we’re safe ok?”

  
“Daddy and him, they talked about you,” he said quietly into my shirt.

  
“Did they?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he said closing his eyes, “I don’t want to tell you but I do.”

  
“It’s ok to be confused bud,” I told him, “I’m confused. And I’m scared.”

  
“You are?” he said, “even though Daddy said…he said that…” he sighed deeply, “He said he’d that you and him…”

  
“Yeah, he did,” I said almost choking on the words trying to keep myself crying.

  
“You said it was ok to be sad,” he told me quietly.

  
“It is, I know it is I just…” I squeaked.

  
“It’s ok to be sad. We’re together, right? Me and you?” he said to which I could only nod my head and try to breathe.

  
He was right we were together. At that point, I knew he had touched John but it had only been at his branding and not before or after. With me it was different and I knew somehow with James it would be different. I hadn’t known that Da had basically handed me over to him even at that point because James couldn’t bring himself to tell me that’s what they had been talking about was the contract. Was whether Lionel had found me…satisfying. That they had been talking about how even though I was older that I responded the way he wanted me to. That he liked that.

  
That I went quiet and shy. That I fidgeted nervously when he looked at me because I knew what he was thinking. That when he touched me I shivered and when he took of his clothes I stared and then caught myself and turned my gaze away blushing. I was what he wanted. Just like James was what he wanted.

  
“Yeah bud, we’re together,” I said nodding my head.

  
It didn’t take him long to fall asleep. When I was sure he was down I went out into the living room to find Karen in the kitchen bottle feeding Mary as she stood next to the counter more melon laying out in the open like she had been ready to start cutting it up.

  
“There you are. I was wondering where you were at could you cut this up for lunch for me? Mary is being cranky,” she told me.

  
“We had melon for breakfast remember? How about I pull out some crackers and one of the veggie platters and you make lunch late? Just do like grilled cheese?” I suggested.

  
“Ok,” she agreed nodding her head, “Can you go grab...?”

  
“Yeah, I got it,” I said grabbing the platter out of the fridge and pulling out paper plates along with gold fish crackers before I grabbed Andy and Laura and put them in their booster seats and put Mac in his highchair before I split it up and put it on different plates.

  
I heard someone mumble incoherently and looked up to see John using the wall to support himself as he pinched the bridge of his nose frowning and squinting like the light was too bright for him to stand it. Like he was hung over.

  
“Hey,” I said quietly.

  
“Do we have anything quick to eat?” he asked attempting to shield his eyes from the sunlight streaming in through the floor the ceiling windows even though the blinds were somewhat drawn to help filter out some of the afternoon sun.

  
“Veggie platter or goldfish crackers and cereal,” I answered him.

  
“Cereal it is,” he mumbled more to himself than to me going over to the fridge and pulling out the milk before he grabbed fruity pebbles out of the pantry and grabbing a bowl before sitting down next to Laura.

  
“You ok?” I asked him.

  
He seemed like he was in a lot of pain. Like something was going on added on top of his hang over. I knew he was under a lot of stress. We all were and I knew he was probably far from ok but, I cared. He mattered and he had been trying like he had promised he would. Sure, it was almost 2pm but, the day before he had managed to get up early and most days he had been interactive with Laura and Andy which was a huge help to me.

  
“I’m alive,” he answered sighing heavily before he said, “Thank you for the favor by the way.”

  
It took me a minute to realize what he was talking about. That he had send me downstairs to the third floor the get him alcohol. So, he could live with himself that night so he could… I sighed figuring it was better he didn’t know. Better he thought it was me than Da. Better that he didn’t hate himself anymore then he needed to.

  
“Don’t mention it. And don’t tell mum, she’ll kill me,” I said.

  
“Yeah I know. But if you’re dead then I’m dead and buried because you did it for me,” he said finally opening his eyes and looking at me shooting me a small smile of gratitude, “Have you seen her today?”

  
“No. She hasn’t come up today either. Karen has been taking care of everyone while complaining that mum needs us to hire a second nanny so she has help,” I answered, “Are you going to go down and talk to her?”

  
He spooned some cereal into his mouth and swallowed almost in one bite before answering, “I was thinking I probably should. Then I’ll come back up and hang out in my room I guess. You know unless someone needs something.”

  
“You’re in a lot of pain?” I asked and he nodded his head a little flinching as he did so.

  
“I’ll make sure everyone leaves you alone then,” I said figuring that he probably needed a break as Andrew giggled before biting the head off a goldfish.

  
“Mum wasn’t in a good place last night and Karen made it sound like she’s still not. Just a warning,” I added.

  
“Would you be?” he asked me quietly.

  
It was silent for a minute. I figured he was referring to what she had walked in on. Her son with her husband, the father of her children doing that to one of them. He was right it couldn’t have been easy to stomach. And then the fact that Da had punched her for it, beaten her for it. For telling him to stop. That it wasn’t right.

  
That John just wanted to be left alone and she knew it just like everyone else did. There was nothing easy about that. The guilt she probably felt for not being able to stop him. For wanting so desperately to save her kids and not having the power to do so. I was surprised that he even thought of it that way since he always seemed so resentful towards her. Since there was always this unspoken tension between them. Where mum was warm and kind to me sometimes when John told her about those things happening she was cold and stand offish. I could sense it. Maybe that’s why John was used to not talking about it. That talking about it didn’t help me because he sensed that in her. That dread of hearing about what Da was making him do. How da…did those things to him.

  
I sighed heavily scratching my head, “Probably not. I’d probably feel like a complete mess. She didn’t tell me much about it though so…” I shrugged my shoulders trailing off figuring I didn’t need to finish my sentence for him to understand it wasn’t something I cared to talk about as I looked over at Andrew to see his face covered in ranch dip as he giggled before I grabbed a wet wipe off the kitchen counter and fought with him to wipe off his face and hands before helping him out of his booster seat and allowing him to wander away to the living room doing the same for Laura.

  
“You want to know? I’m beyond tired. I just want him to leave me alone. Give me a week, 3 days, hell him just giving me one fucking night would be nice,” John muttered into his bowl of milk.

  
I knew exactly how that felt. Just wanting that space. Now that I had it though I was dreading what was coming next. That Da wasn’t touching me and Ben wasn’t allowed to touch me because…because I was Lionel’s now. That in 8 days I was…

  
I felt like crying. He hadn’t done it on purpose, reminded me of what was going to happen but it hurt. It hurt that no matter how hard I tried not to think it about it that it was there flashing before my eyes like a neon sign announcing it the number getting smaller and smaller as the days went by like a count down until a hurricane came to shore.

  
He must have seen him go quiet as I grabbed the sponge and started cleaning the table across from him because he looked at me intently suddenly, “You ok?” he asked.

  
“Not really,” I answered honestly. What did I tell him? That Ben had raped me last night and then made me spend the night with him? That our little brother had just had a massive break down so he was taking a nap again like he was two when even the two-year old’s had gotten up from their naps on their own? That I was scared and freaking out and I had nowhere for that anxiety to go to the point where I ended up crying in bed while hugging my little brother because I knew that it was one of the only ways he was going to stay calm and that I was going to be able to hold it together long enough to keep going while him and mum fell apart and disappeared?

  
“You’ve been run ragged too?” he asked me before slurping the last bit of milk for the bottom of his cereal bowl and he got up washing it in the sink.

  
“Nah just stuff,” I said trying not to think about it anymore, “James is still…withdrawn I guess would be a good way to put it,” I answered.

  
I didn’t want him freaking out. Not when James was. Not when mum was and in that moment, he seemed calm and level headed so it was better to fib about how bad he was doing than to tell the whole truth and worry him. He would probably hear about it soon enough knowing Karen. Knowing that she was probably going to confront Da about what Matt had said the first chance she got.

  
“Just give him time,” John said turning to look at me before he walked towards the lift and pressed the button like he was going to go downstairs and talk to mum.

  
“Tell her we need her. That she can’t do this, please?” I said quietly to which he nodded his head without turning to look back at me and stepped into the lift the door shutting behind him.

  
I needed her. I needed her to be my mum and tell me it was going to be ok. I needed him to help me. To tell me that my world wasn’t ending and that James, what had happened to him wasn’t my fault. That I hadn’t caused this. That I hadn’t done anything wrong. That my world was fucked up and it just what it was but, that it wasn’t my fault and I felt so alone. And scared.

  
I ended up sitting on the couch for a while as Karen put Mary and Seamus back down for another nap and started working on grilled cheese which would be more like an early dinner or late lunch depending on how you looked at it. I knew I hadn’t been as much help as I usually was but, she was supposed to be handling it on her own.

  
“Take that you fucking asshole,” Matt muttered to the TV pressing the buttons on his controller almost so angrily I was afraid he was going to break it.

  
“Excuse you!” I said harshly snapping out of my day dream.

  
“There is no excuse for you,” Matt hissed at me.

  
“Mathew,” I said in a warning tone.

  
“Don’t Matthew me. You aren’t Da,” he told me.

  
“No, I’m not,” I said, “But you don’t talk like that and Mike explained everything to me. Why are you pissed at me? Why?”

  
“HE DOESN’T BELONG TO THEM!” he hissed pointing at Mike who looked up as I heard Mike make a sound of protest.

  
“Stop it,” Mike said quietly shaking his head, “Just stop. I don’t belong to you either. Not in the way you feel like I do.”

  
“That’s not true,” Matt insisted.

  
“Look you guys I don’t have time for this. I have my own issues I’m worried about and you’re just…Why do you think I had something to do with this?” I asked shaking my head.

  
“Look at you,” Matt said catching me off guard.

  
“MATTY!” Mike barked, “Stop it. Just stop.”

  
“What about me?” I asked him.

  
“You’re easy,” Matt answered.

  
Easy? What did that mean? It took my brain a second to process what he was implying. That I was…that I had somehow asked for it. That I had wanted the attention. I was shocked into silence. I didn’t know what to say. He thought I was easy? Why?

  
“Wh…” I started to ask.

  
“Why?” he smiled giving me a cold sneer, “Why? Why do I think you’re easy? That’s what mum calls it when she’s watching TV or reading a book and one of the girls bats her eyes and smiles all pretty. You do that all the time Will. You know you do. Someone asks you a question and you go all shy and look at your feet. It’s called flirting. It’s called being easy. You’re easy. I saw you at the party. The party he was at the first time he saw you. You were flirting with everyone there. Going all quiet and staring at your feet, hugging yourself and blushing. You were easy. You were trying to be easy.”

  
I wasn’t trying to be anything. I was nervous. Ben had taken me in a room and made me undress in front of that guy. Made me feel alone and scared, had made me freeze up. Barry had grinded against me trapping me between the glass of the sliding door in his body making me sure there wasn’t any way I was getting away from him until Cole came and rescued me. I wasn’t being easy I was trying not to cry. I was trying to be brave because the three of them were right there and they could see everything. Just like everyone else could. I didn’t want to be known as the cry baby who lost it at Teddy’s start of the school year cook out. I had just been trying to keep it together and Matt had thought I was flirting?

  
“I wasn’t,” I said quietly.

  
“What?” Matt asked me.

  
“I wasn’t,” I said louder.

  
“Don’t lie to yourself. You wanted it. You wanted someone else to notice you. You got your wish and now I’m paying the price,” he told me.

  
“You’re paying the price?” Mike scoffed in shock, “Excuse me. I didn’t realize you could feel his tongue in my butt!”

  
“Guys, Karen is here,” Catty said quietly behind me.

  
She seemed so much older than 4 or five when she said it. It had already been drilled into her that you don’t talk that way when people were around who weren’t family. That you didn’t talk about those things where other people could hear them but that when it was just us it was ok. I hadn’t been being easy. That was a lie. It had been anything but easy.

  
I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I just needed to leave. I needed to go away and get out of there me stomping down the hall and punching the call button on the lift and getting on while someone continued to shout. I didn’t even know what they were shouting about and I didn’t care.


	38. Thirtyeight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will finds John battered after an encounter with Da and comes up with a plan, makes a decision that he ends up regretting only to feel guilty when John once again intervenes. Da confronts Will about some of the events that happened earlier in the day. Will admits that maybe he didn't handle the events as well as he should have confessing that he's feeling anxious and scared about upcoming events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 674 to 698. Probably two more chapters I know I keep saying that but, I'm pretty sure. **Warnings: Rape/non-con, talk of rape/non-con, sexual abuse, mental health issues, anxiety, depression, thoughts and mentions of thought of suicide and self-harm, bullying, harrasment, manipulation, emotional abuse, self-esteem issues, underage alcohol abuse, forced oral, forced anal, forced anal fingering, forced rimming** again it's Will so it's pretty detailed and graphic **John's POV part1 chapter 15**

The lift started its descent and then stopped. No? It couldn’t be stopping. This was not happening.

  
I remember thinking that. Thinking that it was going to be Da and it was going to be him either telling me he wasn’t leaving or worse, that HE was coming over tonight instead of tomorrow and it was…I remember feeling panicked before the lift opened and…

  
It was John. It was just John wearing just his underwear his hair a mess. He looked half asleep like he was about ready to pass out only wearing a pair of boxer briefs. My heart sank. Now, that was Da. That had to of been Da. No one else would have done that in the middle of the day like that. Not on the third floor.

  
“John?” I said not sure what else to say.

  
He looked at me blankly for a minute almost like he was staring through me. His whole body was shaking like James had earlier when he had panicked, “I need a shower,” he said his lips barely moving as the words came out.

  
I could tell he needed one but, I had just got James settled down not that long ago. Seeing John like this would beyond devastate him. Would upset everyone and everything that was barely being held together as it was. I didn’t want to make him feel alone but, maybe he could shower downstairs in the pool house bathroom? No one would bother him there. He’d be safe there. I’d even stay with him for a while just so I could breathe, could think without worry about James waking up as sobs wrecked his little body. As his brain pulled him out of that nightmare that was tormenting him so badly he now couldn’t even escape it when he was awake.

  
“I’m not sure going upstairs is such a good idea. I mean you might…”

  
“Scare everyone?” he finished my sentence for me.

  
I sighed heavily nodding my head in agreement, “How about we go downstairs and sit for a while?” I suggested, “You know if you need to you can…” he threw his arms around me catching me off guard as I hit the back wall of the lift with my back my body, barely ready to take his added weight as he pushed me to my knees, “hug me.” I said quietly hugging him in response, “You’ll be ok. We’re just going to go downstairs and sit for a while ok?” I said rubbing the back of his shoulders.

  
I remember knowing then something was wrong. That something bad was happening to him besides just the drinking. His skin felt weird. Thin and fuzzy almost. I could feel his bones in his shoulder blades clearly. More than I thought I should be able to. He had been losing weight. I figured it was probably stress and it wasn’t as bad as it got yet but I remember thinking that it felt off. That hugging him had never felt like it did this time and we didn’t hug too often especially not unclothed because of obvious reasons.

  
He didn’t speak but let me go standing up and grabbing my hand and squeezing it as he nodded his head. I didn’t let go. I knew he needed me. That Da felt gross against your skin after because he always did and John said he could feel him. That he almost always could feel them so I figured he was squeezing my hand so he didn’t have to focus on the feeling of his skin crawling, of his body reliving that experience that he had just walked out of. We walked down the stairs and sat down in the front family room on the couch.

  
We sat there in silence for a few minutes as I tried to think of something to say that would take his mind off things but not upset him. As I tried to come up with a topic that might pull his mind away from all of it, “Karen got your prescription filled. It’s upstairs,” I said after a few minutes of thinking and not coming up with anything else and he nodded his head lightly in response.

  
He was quiet for another minute or two like he was thinking of saying something but that he wasn’t sure what it was before he barely whispered, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

  
What? He couldn’t…? Did he mean Da or life in general? Because I knew it was hard. I couldn’t live his life for him but…I could maybe. I knew he didn’t want me to but, maybe if I let Da then maybe Da would change his mind about other things. About Lionel. About the contract.

  
“Ok. Let me handle it for a little while?” I suggested hoping that maybe if I somehow convinced Da it was a good idea he wouldn’t make me go with Lionel to the zoo. That he wouldn’t make me…be one of Lionel’s boys. I didn’t want to be one of Lionel’s boys.

  
“That’s not fair,” John said immediately shaking his head.

  
“John? You said you can’t anymore and from looking at you, I have no doubt that’s true,” I said as I gave his hand a soft squeeze of reassurance, “Don’t do this by yourself anymore. Please? I can take care of myself. Let me help you ok?”

  
“I don’t think he’ll let you,” he said quietly before he looked into my eyes.

  
He looked so beaten down. Like a dog that had been kicked one too many times and couldn’t find the will to get back on its feet. Like that boy that got pushed down by the bully and just was so tired of fighting he didn’t want to stand up because he knew he’d be pushed back down again. He was really at his limit. At least it seemed that way.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked quietly.

  
“He…,” he sighed deeply taking a few deep breaths like he was trying to control himself, keep his voice even and stop himself from crying. Like he was scared of saying whatever it was he wanted to voice out loud, “He comes into my bedroom at night Will. Every night.”

  
Every night? When he had said it earlier I had heard him but it wasn’t unusual for it to feel like every night. He wasn’t sharing a bed with Da anymore. Mum was home. It shouldn’t have been every night and before when he had said it I figured it was an exaggeration but...he had been serious. It was really every night.

  
“What time usually?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t know,” he shrugged his shoulders staring at the carpet numbly, “Late. Why?”

  
“Well, maybe if I’m wake and out of my room he’ll get distracted if you know what I’m saying.”

  
He shook his head vigorously frowning at me, “No Will. You can’t do that.”

  
I understood he wanted to protect me but, it was Da or it was Lionel. If I was lucky it would be Da. If my plan worked it would just be Da. If not… I sighed, “John, he does it to me sometimes anyway. Maybe if I throw myself at him for a while he’ll leave you alone. Isn’t that exactly what you do to protect everyone else?”

  
“Yes, but that’s different,” he insisted.

  
“How?” I asked shaking my head as he put his hands over his ears and closed his eyes like he was trying to block my words out, “How on earth is that different? John, you need help, ok? I can see it in your face. Each day you are getting worse and I can’t lose you. I need you just like I need mum. We all need you. If I have to put myself in-between him and you for a while I can do that. I can make myself do that ok?” I insisted.

  
And maybe if I did Lionel wouldn’t…maybe Da would change his mind about the whole thing. It was selfish. Of course, it was but, I really didn’t like him. I really didn’t want to be with him. He scared me. He scared me so badly I was willing to let my Da rape me. To let him call me a cock slut and moan into the back of my neck as he…just so I didn’t have to be with Lionel. Saving John was just a bonus because I could see John was collapsing just like mum was and I felt like I was the only one who had any power to save them.

  
John still had his hands over his ears his eyes closed but he spoke shaking his head, “I can’t ask you to do that.”

  
“You’re not asking me to, ok?” I sighed, “I’m doing it because you need a break. Mum never has to know. Da doesn’t have to know that’s what’s going on, ok?” I said reaching out and touching his shoulder, trying to comfort him, “Please. Just let me. Don’t even think about it just think about you for once, ok?”

  
He nodded his head but as he did so he spoke, “You don’t know what you’re getting into.”

  
“You’re wrong. I know exactly what I’m getting into remember? I’ve been with him before. I know what he’s like. I know he’s not like Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben might hit and it hurts, yeah but Da is…he hurts differently.” I said quietly.

  
He sighed finally opening his eyes like he finally felt like he wasn’t going to cry anymore, “You can say that again,” he said running a hand over the top of his head brushing his hair back from his face, “The stuff he says sometimes…” he trailed off.

  
“It’s not anything I haven’t heard before. I promise John,” I said thinking of Da, of what he had called me. The things he had said one of the few times we had been alone together and he had made me go all the way.

  
We sat there in silence. Me just thinking about everything, about what I was agreeing to do for my brother that would helpfully help save myself in some ways. If I could convince Da to cancel the contract sure it meant sex with him but that meant hopefully no Lionel and Lionel scared me. Just the fact that he used his mouth a lot scared me. I noticed John staring at me while I looked blankly ahead of me and sighed heavily, “Are you feeling better? Do you think you can make it upstairs?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he replied standing up, “I just need some sleep, I think.”

  
“Oh,” I said nodding my head, “You know I’m sorry, right?”

  
I knew I hadn’t done anything but, maybe that’s what I was sorry for. Because there wasn’t anything that I could do. Because I couldn’t keep him safe just like I couldn’t even really keep myself safe. Because I had to choose Da or Lionel. And maybe if I chose right I would be ok. But if I chose wrong…

  
“For what?” he asked me as we started walking down the hall towards the stairs him turning and frowning at me.

  
“For this. All of this John,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “You try so hard. You really do and yet things just don’t seem to ever work out. It has to be a real shit feeling.”

  
“Yeah. It’s not your fault though,” he pointed out to me.

  
“But, you’re important to me and no one else is going to say their sorry. So, why can’t I say it?” I asked him as I looked closely at him. His gait seemed off, unsteady. I didn’t remember him drinking anything today but I had barely seen him today however his eyes had that blood shot look to them of someone who was either hung over or had been drunk. I was surprised I hadn’t noticed it before when we were sitting on the couch but he had been crying earlier so it could have been the light. It could have been anything but suddenly he looked drunk, “You’re slightly drunk, aren’t you?” I asked.

  
“I’m always drunk,” he answered laughing a little bit to himself, “Why?”

  
“You seem a bit unsteady on your feet.”

  
“You would be too,” he sighed sadly and I nodded my head as we made it to the top of the stairs him hitting the button to call the lift down.

  
“How did you get stuck on the third floor anyway?” I asked him curious as to how he had ended up with Da that evening.

  
“Da hit the button for something so the lift stopped on the 3rd floor instead of the 4th after I saw mum meaning it wouldn’t go up any farther unless I entered my code again and I wasn’t about to…”

  
“Let him see your code? You realize he has access anyway, right? You know that fucking stair well and all,” I finished his sentence.

  
“Yeah but I don’t know. It makes me feel like everyone else is safer if they are quietly tucked away whenever he manages to get up there,” he answered me, “So I’d rather keep my code to myself.”

  
“I see,” I said nodding my head in understanding, “we live in a world where we need to allow ourselves some illusion.”

  
“Yeah,” he muttered in quiet agreement before he sighed and rubbed his arm vigorously, “is it always this cold?”

  
“When you’re in your underwear I suppose it is,” I told him, “Where are your clothes anyway?”

  
“The hallway. The suite, where ever I suppose,” he said not looking at me, “I can’t wait to fucking shower.”

  
“You didn’t shower before you left?” I asked him.

  
That was weird. Usually Da told me to shower right away. Almost always. It didn’t make any sense to me why he wouldn’t want John to shower before going upstairs back to his room. It would draw less attention from everyone if he did. Especially from Karen.

  
“He didn’t want me to,” he barely muttered.

  
What? Da didn’t want him to shower before he left? Why would he do that? That didn’t make any sense at all.

  
“God that’s nasty. How sick does he have to fucking be?” I spat causing John’s eyes to go wide and his mouth to fall open in shock.

  
That was just rude. To rape someone and then make them walk around with the feeling of you inside of them. The feeling of you on their skin haunting them. That was just wrong. That was beyond cruel.

  
“You like never swear,” he commented after a minute or so of staring at me with his mouth open in shock.

  
“I know. He’s beyond pissing me off right now though. Imagine how bad it’s going to be whenever Uncle Ben is allowed back for real. That stupid fucking club I swear,” I muttered.

  
“For real? What do you mean for real?” he asked me as I realized what I had said.

  
What I had implied. I felt my face burn with embarrassment. Ben was more of a problem for me then Ben was for him. He knew that and I knew it too but…I had just told him that Ben had either been around or was there which he was there either hiding out on the third floor or in the basement where mum wouldn’t go. Someplace she wouldn’t think to look so he didn’t have to worry about her finding him.

  
I didn’t say anything for minute my brain trying to find a way to back pedal, to excuse the slip in language. But I couldn’t come up with anything John’s eyes going wide as he looked at me before he spoke again.

  
“Will, what do you mean for real?” he asked me in a hushed concerned tone.

  
“N-nothing. I don’t mean anything ok?” I said.

  
“No. Tell me, what do you mean?” He insisted.

  
“He was here,” I admitted, “Last night.”

  
He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose before he looked at me, “Are you ok? Did he hu…”

  
“Physically? No,” I answered straight up, “No he didn’t hurt me.”

  
“What about the other way?” he asked me.

  
I smiled sadly at my feet and shrugged my shoulders, “I’ll be ok. I always am.”

  
“That’s not true. You’re getting just as tired as I am,” he said.

  
“If it wasn’t for this fucking club. It wouldn’t be as big of a problem,” I huffed.

  
“Yeah,” he said nodding his head in agreement, “I think that’s a big part of it.”

  
“I don’t remember him, Da, ever being this bad before. I mean it used to happen sometimes but not like this,” I said as I shook my head looking at him to gage his reaction.

  
“We’re also older now though,” John said as the lift opened and we stepped into it.

  
“Why does that matter?” I asked him.

  
Was he implying that because we were getting older it was getting worse? That things were going to keep getting worse the more we aged, the more all of us aged? I couldn’t imagine that. I couldn’t even…that wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true.

  
“I don’t know,” he said shrugging his shoulders, “Maybe he has a thing for like older kids I guess?”

  
“That doesn’t explain a whole lot though,” I said.

  
“No, it really doesn’t. Does it? I don’t know. I think like you said a lot of it is the club,” he agreed with me.

  
“I wish this would stop,” I said before holding my breath as I watched the number on the lift change the 3 and then a few seconds later change to four allowing us all the way upstairs.

  
We were ok. The lift hadn’t stopped he wasn’t going to do anything to us. We were safe, I remember thinking that to myself as we stepped off before I heard a sound of annoyance from the couch and looked over to see Karen.

  
“You could be wearing clothes you know?” she asked her nose turned up at John before she got up and started putting away toys.

  
Was she kidding me? He had just gotten raped and here she was telling him he needed clothes. He didn’t just need clothes, he wanted them. He didn’t want to be naked, or nearly naked. He probably just wanted to shower and find something to put on. I cocked my head towards John’s bedroom letting him know that I would take care of it. That he should go and clean himself up while I talked to Karen about keeping her mouth shut. About how she wasn’t helping anything.

  
“Can’t you just be nice?” I asked her.

  
“Well, I talked to your Da and apparently someone tells tall tales. You know where your Dad insists he gets that habit from? Your older brother. He’s rubbing off on people,” she informed me.

  
“You really think Matt was lying?” I asked her.

  
“Yeah, I do. Your Dad is a nice guy he’s never looked at me wrong,” she told me.

  
“Well news flash Karen you’re not the most beautiful thing to walk into this house,” I pointed out.

  
Yes, that was probably rude and I mean for a girl, an older girl she wasn’t bad looking. Some people would say she was pretty but the way she treated us especially John didn’t sit well with me and it showed her true colors. She might have been pretty on the outside but, on the inside she was downright ugly.

  
“And who is? That little shit of a brother of yours? I don’t think so. Look I might not be attractive to you but I’m better looking than him,” she told me.

  
I had never really stopped to think about it. Whether John was attractive or not. I mean he was my brother it wasn’t like it was something I paid attention to. I had seen him naked millions of times and didn’t see anything special about him or his body but apparently Da and his friends did. I sighed trying not to think about it. How weird it was that my brother might be an actual person that had an actual identity outside of being my older brother, my protector.

  
I sighed not even sure what to say walking away to the other end of the house and sitting down watching Mike and James play video games for a while Matt played blocks with Cat and Andy and Laura and Mac attempted to play mostly just slobbering all over everything and Mary and Seamus both slept soundly in their swings that Karen must have moved from one family room to the other. After a while I heard something as I saw Karen walk across the room at the other end of the hall before the com crackled, “Guys dinner is ready,” it was her voice on the com.

  
She was using the com instead of yelling which I had to admit was smart and what they had been installed for but it still felt super annoying for some reason. Probably because I was tired of her bullshit but when no one answered she hit the button the com again, “I said dinner is ready! Will can you help move toddlers to the table?”

  
I was being a shit. I’ll admit that. I was pissed at her for taking Da’s word but relieved that Da wasn’t canceling his evening plans for tomorrow to go to New York and do the whole new year thing. But I was still angry that Karen didn’t even believe that my little brothers weren’t liars. She lived in a world where everyone lied but her Da apparently.

  
I cupped my hands around my mouth and screeched across the house “OK KAREN!”

  
Everyone turned to look at me as I went over and grabbed Mac, “Matt? Can you go tell John that dinner is ready?” I asked him.

  
“You don’t want me to help you get Andy and Laura to the table?” he questioned me.

  
“They’re two they can walk over there by themselves just fine so if you could stop and tell John that dinner is ready on the way there that would be great, all right?” I said.

  
Did I want him helping walk them down there the whole way? No. No, I didn’t. The way he had been acting lately I didn’t even want him breathing the same air as they did. What happened when one of them made him angry was he going to punch them? Was he going to hold Andy down again and make him scream while Laura broke out into terrified sobs and Catty kept yelling at him to let our brother go? I didn’t want to find out. I didn’t want him near them any more than he had to be but, I couldn’t stop him from playing with them so I had to just keep my mouth shut and be ready to intervene if anything seemed off so that’s what I did.

  
When we got do John’s door he stopped walking with us, the rest of us continuing towards the kitchen as he stopped. It didn’t take long for them to appear. John, his hair still mostly damp from a shower as he sat down at the table next to Andy. He looked less tired now and more just pissed and sad. I completely understood that.

  
I noticed Karen eyeing him as he started eating but he seemed to ignore her for the most part until Mike said something to John that I wasn’t paying attention to and then Karen made a comment.

  
“You slept all day,” she told John.

  
“I was tired,” he mentioned taking a bite of peas and carrots.

  
“Will and I could have used your help,” she mentioned.

  
I hadn’t said anything about needing his help. I mean sure his help was always needed but I wasn’t asking him for it. And couldn’t she see that he was tired and upset? That maybe something bad had happened to him? Or was she really that blind?

  
John put his fork down glaring at her before he crossed his arms over his chest leaning back in his chair and shrugging his shoulders, “Yeah? I can use some help too but, you don’t see me begging for help.”

  
“What is your issue?” She spit at him as she threw a baby dish in the sink before turning around and glaring at him.

  
“You don’t remember?” He snorted as he rolled his eyes, “You don’t remember why I hate you?”

  
“Oh. You mean when you lied to me and told me my dad who is a cop fucks little boys?” She hissed. “I remember that just fine and I would rather forget what a horrible lie it is. Your Dad even says you have a problem with lying and guess what it’s starting to rub off.”

  
“You still think I lied?” he asked her.

  
“You hang out with my brother. He’s the biggest fucking liar I know so, yeah. Pretty sure you do,” she replied.

  
“Maybe someone just doesn’t want to admit their dad has a thing for boys,” he mumbled quietly picking his fork back up and taking another bite of food.

  
“My dad was married to my mom before she took off ok? I doubt he has a thing for boys,” she said frowning at him, “I mean I know him and Arthur are close but my dad is hardly gay.”

  
So, she knew they were probably together and yet she was saying her dad wasn’t gay. Ok this girl was dumber than she looked. Even Cole and Pat said they were fucking each other when they weren’t busy fucking around with kids. What did that sound like? That sounded pretty fucking gay to me. And apparently it did to John as well because he snorted loudly.

  
“Do you know what gay is? Gay is when you have sex with adults of the same sex. I doubt someone who does what he does would be considered gay,” John shot.

  
“And what do you know about sex?” she said leaning against a stool at the counter folding her arms over her chest.

  
Was she kidding me? My little brother had told her about getting his penis touched and winked at her while clicking his tongue. He talked about how fingers burned going into his asshole and how our dad had probably done it and then said he was probably picking up John’s habit of lying.

  
She had watched one of my other little brother’s shriek at the top of his lungs earlier that day begging me to make it stop because he could feel someone raping him who wasn’t there. Was she fucking kidding? She thought John wouldn’t know anything about sex when it seemed like the rest of us certainly did.

  
“I know you just need a hole to stick it in and that’s enough for some people,” he hissed bluntly.

  
Oh, this was going to be lovely.

  
“Do you know what else is involved,” she asked him frowning at him thoughtfully as everyone stopped eating to listen and watch them.

  
He laughed angrily at her. I almost thought he was going to stand up in punch her. I mean I would have paid money to see that with the way she was acting that day and how I felt but I didn’t think it would go over well me standing just in case I needed to pull him back.

  
“I’m done eating,” Catty said quietly.

  
“Guys can you go in the other living room?” I asked the four of them. The four that could actually understand what was going on.

  
“Why? I want to see a fight,” Matt said smiling widely.

  
“Just go,” I said pointing down the hall as Mike took James by the hand and started walking away with him Catty following, “Take Andy and go,” I said to which Matt nodded his head in agreement.

  
I realized that meant I would have to leave in a couple minutes too to make sure nothing bad happened but if it got him out of the room so he didn’t have to continue to listen to his baby sitter cuss out his older brother I was perfectly ok with that. Because I didn’t want to hear it either. I unbuckled Andy’s booster seat and Laura’s and Matt took both Andy’s and Laura’s hands and started leading them down the hallway away from the kitchen.

  
“I’m not sure you know what else is involved and I’m not about to explain it to you,” I heard John shoot back at Karen.

  
“Excuse me?” Karen scoffed sounding offended, “I’m 19. I’ve had sex.”

  
“Someone touching your vagina is not sex Karen,” John hissed causing my mouth to drop open.

  
“Yeah well neither is sticking your dick in a sock,” she spat back.

  
I felt his mood change. Like he was embarrassed. Like he was defeated, giving up on getting her to believe anything he said.

  
“I have never done that,” John said shaking his head.

  
“Every boy has John. Don’t think you’re special,” Karen said smiling like it was funny.

  
“I never have,” he said quietly looking at the floor.

  
He was right. He never had and I knew it because Da wouldn’t ever let him. Da and uncle Ben had basically made the same thing clear to me that I wasn’t supposed to ever…masturbate. That if I wanted that sort of attention I was supposed to go to them. So, they could “help” me. Just thinking about it sent a shiver down my spine.

  
“And again with the lying?” Karen said, “Really?”

  
“No Karen. Really, I’ve never needed to,” John insisted still looking at his feet.

  
I couldn’t take watching how uncomfortable he was and how defeated he looked. How she accused him of lying about everything because she refused to see what was right in front of her. That her dad was a pedophile who raped children and who had probably killed his youngest son. I was tired of watching this go on. Watching her say that we all lied.

  
I sighed heavily before I spoke both of them turning to look at me, “It’s true. He hasn’t Karen.”

  
“Really?” Karen asked me.

  
“Really,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Will,” John sighed, “Stay out of it.”

  
“No!” I said getting angry, “I’m so sick of this John. And I’m sick of her. You know why you get paid so much Karen? To keep your mouth shut ok? So please do me a favor and do the job you are paid to do so I don’t have to,” I said, “You want to believe he’s lying fucking fine but then you say Matt is lying and that mean’s your implying you don’t believe James either and you know what? That makes you retarded. And John? You know she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. Quit antagonizing her.”

  
“You’re both little shits,” she nearly shouted shaking her head, “Both of you. I don’t get paid enough for this.”

  
“For what Karen? To hear your dad messes around with boys?” John snapped.

  
“SHUT UP!” she yelled, “You’re lying about everything because I know all guys masturbate. I’m not stupid and my dad is not a pervert!”

  
“Karen,” I sighed before I said it savoring the moment because I wanted to see the look on her face when a 10-year-old used words she didn’t understand, “The word is pedophile. Say it with me, Pedophile and yeah, he is. And you don’t masturbate when you have someone to suck your dick for you ok?”

  
“What?” she said barely above a whisper her mouth hanging open in shock as the cogs in her teeny tiny brain turned her gaze shifting between the two of us, “You’re lying. That’s fucking it! After I get my bonus for being around and spending my new years with my dad who, by the way I will make sure you stay far away from I am quitting.”

  
“Please, by all means,” I said gesturing to the lift behind down the hall behind me, “You can go now.”

  
John cocked one of his eyebrows at me as Karen hissed something about being back because she was taking a “break downstairs” and walked to the elevator stepping into it.

  
“What?” I asked him, “You think I was going to let her call you a liar one more time?” I shrugged my shoulders, “I’m tired. I feel like we should go to bed.”

  
“Maybe, but it’s early,” John pointed out.

  
“Maybe but you heard what she said. All of that stuff about H…”

  
“I heard and Matt already told me. There’s nothing I can do about it,” John said.

  
“Take some pills. Go to sleep early and make yourself look, I don’t know, busy I guess?” I suggested.

  
“I don’t think that will work,” he said sounding defeated.

  
“Why?” I asked quietly.

  
He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, “I need a drink.”

  
“No John. Tell me why. Don’t do this right now, please?” I asked him grabbing his arm lightly as he tried to walk past me.

  
“I need a drink. I can’t do this,” he said continuing to shake his head slowly trying to get past me.

  
“John, it won’t help you,” I said.

  
“It will help me ok? Maybe I can take the pills and the alcohol together and I just won’t wake up when Dad come for me. That would be better, right?” he said.

  
I felt my stomach drop. He was joking, right? That had to be a joke. He couldn’t be thinking like that. He was going to leave me here? Leave us here in this? Alone? He couldn’t… he…

  
“If you do that…,” I said quietly thinking of how to put it, how to warn him, “You might not wake up at all. Do I need to get mum?”

  
“NO! NO!” he shouted suddenly becoming even more distressed then he had seemed earlier when I had taken him downstairs to calm down after Da was done with him, “YOU CAN’T. SHE’LL TELL HIM AND THEN…” he hiccupped like his air was stuck in his chest, like he was getting ready to hyperventilate.

  
“John, you need to calm down,” I said quietly, “You can’t do this to yourself. You need to breathe. Hopefully it won’t be anything ok? Hopefully he’ll just stay downstairs and we won’t have to worry about Da tonight, ok? He’ll come to me and he’ll be busy with me so it’ll be ok.”

  
He immediately stopped. Almost like someone had flipped a switch looking at me his tears almost drying as he whipped at some stray ones that escaped from his tear ducts, “Are you scared?” he asked me.

  
He meant about da? Of course, I was scared but if my plan worked it was better than the alternative. It was better than Lionel.

  
“Yeah,” I answered him.

  
“I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but…,” he started to speak.

  
“I don’t think there is.” I answered him.

  
I knew our Da. I knew what he was like. I knew what I was getting myself into next time Da came around.

  
“Usually, no,” he agreed, “I wish this wasn’t our life. I wish I could protect you guys.” He admitted.

  
I thought about how hard that must have been for him, finally saying it out loud. That he couldn’t protect us. That no one could. Not even mum. He tried. And he tried so hard that it was breaking him and yet…everything he did, all the effort he made never seemed to get us anyway, get him anywhere. It must have been a hard pill to swallow for him because I knew it was for me.

  
“You can’t,” I said, “You know where you mentally. And I pay attention John, I know where you are too.”

  
“I just feel,” he paused sighing as he sat back down at the kitchen table still littered with dishes, “Broken.”

  
“I remember things you know?” I said to him, “I remember how hard you’ve tried.”

  
“What do you mean?” he asked me frowning.

  
I felt my face flush lightly thinking about telling him I remembered that, seeing what Ben had been doing to him, hearing his screams. Hearing him beg for Da or mum or anyone because it had hurt so badly…hearing it, seeing it.

  
“Uhhh…” I said trying to think of the best way to put it, “After you turned eight and everything started to…that night? I remember that night when I walked downstairs and Uncle Ben was…sorry.”

  
“I hate that you saw that,” he barely whispered not looking at me, probably not able to.

  
“I know but, it’s not like…I mean that one time with Da you were right next to me,” I mentioned.

  
“Yeah but, I was kind of looking away,” he said to me.

  
“Yeah but I mean… how much of that did you not experience with me regardless of where you were trying to look?” I pointed out, “If you remember he made us…”

  
“Oh god, don’t talk about that,” he said shaking his head, “You know how wrong that is?”

  
“Yeah, I do but, if you can’t joke about it, what do you have?” I said shrugging my shoulders, “You should seriously try to relax. It happens all the time in the brotherhood as sick and sad as it is.”

  
“I know it happens all the time. Between brothers and friends,” he said nodding his head, “Have you ever watched Pat and Cole interact?”

  
“You mean Pat and Cole have…?” I asked him covering my mouth with my hands to try and hide a laugh.

  
They were not each other’s type. I had a hard time picturing it, them together. I mean I could tell that Cole was probably a bottom even if I didn’t know that was the term for it back then and Pat was probably a top but it seemed almost like Cole would be directing every move if he could. Like a conductor or a cop directing traffic at an intersection. He’d be telling Pat exactly what to do at every move if he could. It just didn’t seem like it would mesh well, like they would go good together.

  
“With each other?” John questioned my response, “Yes. And…with…with me.”

  
I remember feeling my eyes pop. What when? “Are you serious?” I asked him.

  
He bit his bottom lip and nodded his head a little.

  
“What was it like?” I asked him.

  
Had it hurt? They were different from Da and Hank and what not. Really different. Even different from Ben. They were our age. It had to have been…it had to have felt different. Good or bad I wasn’t sure but different I was positive of. Had it hurt? Had he been able to relax and go away in his head because it was his friends? Had he maybe even…no. No, he hadn’t enjoyed it. I couldn’t picture John enjoying that.

  
“I was checked out kind of. So, I don’t remember,” he told me sounding honest.

  
“At least your first time with someone that wasn’t one of them was with someone you were friends with and not…. well, me,” I answered.

  
“That’s true,” he said smiling sadly at me.

  
I knew it probably would happen. I was almost sure it would but…., “Do you think it will happen?” I asked anyway.

  
“What?” he asked confused.

  
“That we’ll end up…” I formed a circle with my index finger and thumb in my right hand and took the index finger of my left and dipped it in the circle I made.

  
“Well….,” John said like he was thinking about it carefully, “You think we could say no to him? He did seem very interested in the idea.”

  
John said as the lift dinged and opened again Karen stomping past the kitchen and down the hallway towards the other living room without looking at us. At least she didn’t want to talk with us. I really didn’t want to talk with her either. I was pissed at her. The whole thing had been unneeded.

  
“No,” I answered John’s question. Of course we couldn’t tell Da no. We couldn’t tell Da no for shit he would beat us mercilessly if we ever even dared to utter the word when he was in the room. We couldn’t tell Da to do or not do anything and we both knew it.

  
“Do you think Mike and Matt are sleeping?” he asked me suddenly.

  
“If they aren’t in the living room they’re in one of their rooms but probably not sleeping why?” I asked him.

  
“I just want to make sure they are safe,” he said, “I’m going to go to my room and just like chill for a bit.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Night.”

  
“Wait what are you doing?” he asked me.

  
“Probably cleaning the kitchen while Karen makes sure everyone is getting ready for bed. Why?” I asked him.

  
“Just curious. What if Da and mum don’t leave tomorrow?” he asked me.

  
“I guess Hank won’t come over and then we’ll know and he’ll… I’ll see him tonight and tomorrow night,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “He usually comes up around 11, right?”

  
“Yeah somewhere around then. After everyone is asleep,” he confirmed nodding his head.

  
“You know what’s weird?” I asked him.

  
“What?” he asked me.

  
“That mum never worries about where he is when she wakes up in the middle of the night to feed Seamus and Mary,” I answered.

  
It was something I had thought about. That she should be paying attention to that. To where Da was when he wasn’t in bed at night with her. Unless of course they weren’t sleeping together when she did sleep downstairs but for some reason that thought hadn’t occurred to me. I was 10. Parent’s shared beds. They always had when we lived in London so…my brain automatically thought they probably shared when here too when she wasn’t sleeping in the nursery day bed. I don’t know why other than that just seemed like how it would go.

  
John’s face fell like he was really thinking about it. Like maybe he was thinking mum thought he wasn’t worth protecting. I instantly felt bad. That’s not what I had meant. That she was letting it happen to him. She wouldn’t do that but, I had wondered why she wasn’t paying attention to it. Why she didn’t seem to pay attention to a lot of things. I was looking for his input not trying to make him feel like she was throwing him at the problem hoping it would go away.

  
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I told him quietly.

  
“I know,” he said nodding his head, “It’s a good question though. I mean she doesn’t sleep all night so you would think she would wonder.”

  
“Hold up,” I said frowning at him, “I know he comes to you but are you saying he…”

  
“Spends the night with me?” John finished my question, “Yeah, all night.

  
“Shit,” I said before I could stop myself and he smiled a little probably at the dumb expression on my face.

  
“Thanks,” he said shaking his head and laughing a little.

  
I smiled back but managed to shut my mouth, “I keep beating a dead horse here, don’t I?” I asked him.

  
Meaning I kept making a fool of myself. That I kept bringing up the same topic and kept being surprised when it was worse than I originally thought it was. That I was making myself look incompetent.

  
He laughed, “Beating a dead horse. Where did you hear that?” he asked me.

  
“Probably read it somewhere. I read a lot of stuff,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Yeah, I know. Probably how you figured out what a pedophile is,” he muttered.

  
“I know a lot more then what one is. I know how they work too,” I said off handedly.

  
“What do you mean?” he asked frowning at me.

  
“Well, there are different types and different names. And then exclusives and nonexclusive and…” he cut me off.

  
“You don’t need to tell me. I don’t want to know,” he said.

  
“Ok, but you know what they say. The more you know…” I shrugged my shoulders trailing off.

  
“Are you a PSA all of the sudden?” he asked me cocking his eyebrow at me.

  
“No. Aren’t you curious about him though?” I asked him.

  
“Who? Da?” John questioned.

  
“Well, yeah,” I answered, “I mean he’s weird and maybe if you…I don’t know. Knew something it’d be easier.”

  
“I can tell you everything you ever need to know about him Will, you want to hear it?” He said smiling resentfully at me and shaking his head, “He’s a pedophile. He enjoys inflicting emotional pain. He calls me names. He wants you and me and everyone else to hate themselves. He’s a nasty person and I don’t care what label anyone gives him. That’s all there is to it, ok?”

  
“Non-exclusive, regressed,” I said quietly.

  
“WHAT?” he half shouted half hissed at me.

  
Geeze sorry John. I didn’t realize you were pissed at me. I was just trying to I don’t know make you realize we weren’t the only ones? I remember thinking that before I sighed sadly.

  
“He’s non-exclusive,” I repeated, “It means he likes adults too; because you know mum…” I said.

  
“You want to know what he says about mum?” he nearly spat at me, “Mum is work and I’m fun ok? What does that tell you? Huh? Huh Will?”

  
Oh. Well I didn’t know that. That he told John that. I didn’t know what to say.

  
“Oh,” I managed.

  
“I’m done with this,” he said quietly looking like he was about to cry, “I’ll see you later.”

  
I felt bad. Angry. Angry that Da would say something like that to him. That Da would make him feel that way. That was like Matt calling me easy. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t true. And it wasn’t right but that didn’t mean it didn’t make you feel that way. It made you feel, well it made you feel fucking shitty.

  
I cleaned up the kitchen ignoring some things that were going on around me even though I could hear Golden eye playing even from far down the hallway. When I was finished with the kitchen Karen wandered out of whatever hole she had crawled into earlier in the evening and sighed when she saw that I was finishing up the kitchen.

  
“That’s my job you know?” She pointed out.

  
“I know I just… I felt like I needed to do something,” I said.

  
“Something have you nervous? You usually only clean when your nervous,” she told me.

  
“I clean all the time,” I pointed out.

  
“Because you’re nervous all the time. I don’t know what about but I mean…,” she sighed, “You’re saying this is real? Not my dad of course but your dad and the…”

  
“Karen, I don’t feel like talking about it. I’m not going to keep on it. I’m tired. It’s almost bed time. I did the last thing you needed to do. You should just go home,” I told her.

  
“It is past the time I’m supposed to go home and I have everyone in bed but Mike and Matt. I have a question about that by the way,” she said.

  
“What?” I asked her.

  
“James tried to sleep in your bed,” she pointed out.

  
I sighed heavily. I did love him. I loved him dearly but I really enjoyed sleeping by myself and if Da did come see me tonight which he probably would him being in my bed was not a good idea. It was as far from a good idea as a person could get.

  
“He’s been having nightmares lately. He feels safe with me I guess and John…John keeps sending him away when he wakes him up so then he climbs in bed with me. Are you going to talk to mum on your way out?” I asked her after explaining.

  
“Of course, I am,” she said, “What Matt said earlier scared me and something about the way your dad responded when I told him. I don’t know it seemed off. So…”

  
“You believe Matt now?” I asked her and felt my eyebrows raise in surprise.

  
“Not Matt pre-say because I do spend time with Matt but Mike, James,” she said, “I had a friend when I was 14. She,” Karen sighed, “Went to a party and it was sleep over that night something bad happened to her and she stopped eating, stopped talking. Sometimes when someone bumped into her she’d get this far away look on her face and go really still and then she’d start screaming for no reason. The only other time I’ve ever heard someone screaming like James was screaming earlier.”

  
“So, does that mean…”

  
“I know it’s not my dad but maybe your brother has been through something and he’s having dreams where it’s any adult man he comes into contact with. When my dad warned me that you guys had problems I didn’t realize it would be like this. I’ll talk to my dad.”

  
No. That was a bad idea. Hank would tell Da and Da would be pissed. He would think John had told her something about him. That it was him. Or worse yet it would get back to Da that he had told her about Hank and what Hank was doing even though she didn’t believe a word of it. They would do something really bad to him.

  
“Karen, please I’m asking you do….”

  
“It’s just my dad ok? He’ll help you guys if something is going on. I won’t tell him any of you told me anything. I swear to you. He’ll never know. Can you tell me how bad it is? What…”

  
I shook my head. That wasn’t her business. It was bad enough she was going to tell Hank that she suspected it even if she did her best of trying to make it sound like no one had ever told her about it. Someone was going to get in trouble for this.

  
“Will look,” she sighed heavily, “I’m sorry ok? I’m sorry I accused you of lying. You’re right you never said anything about my Dad not once. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you ok? If someone is hurting them though, my dad could probably stop them. Even if it’s your dad and mom he could stop them. You don’t want people hurting them. I know you don’t. But your mom she lets it happen if it’s your dad and you know deep down somewhere that’s the truth. You know it’s true. You need to help them, someone does.”  
I thought about it quietly. I knew mum loved us. That she cared about us and she didn’t want Da to hurt us like that but, I also knew she realized just like I had and John had that she couldn’t stop them. So maybe because she knew that, she had quit really trying unless it was right in front of her. That it was easier to pretend it wasn’t happening if she didn’t see it or hear about it. And mum was trying to get us out. To get away and safe, she really was so maybe she was just picking her battles and it wasn’t really. It wasn’t really all her just ignoring it or letting it happen. She was picking her battles because she was trying to get us out.

  
That had to be what it was. That had to be it. Karen couldn’t be right, mum couldn’t be just letting it happen. That wasn’t like my mum. Mum wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t. That wouldn’t be like my mum.

  
“Will,” Karen said grabbing my hand that was resting on the table top making me jump, “Oh…” she said taking her hand back.

  
It wasn’t that she had touched me it was that she had touched me without warning. Karen had barely said a kind word to me since John had told her Hank was raping him. She had barely looked at me without contempt in her face and here she was being nice to me, touching my hand like she was trying to comfort me when the only adult that had ever really touched me and not meant me any harm was mum and she was telling me that mum was helping Da hurt us. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true.

  
“They have you so upset you can’t even hold another person’s hand,” she sighed sadly.

  
“It’s not…” I shook my head, “You can’t tell them. You can’t. Da will get mad if you bring it up again. He probably already is.”

  
“So, it was your dad?” She asked me, “Did he hurt you too?”

  
I didn’t want to talk about this. Not with her. She told us John was lying. Why should I trust her now? Especially when she said mum was letting it happen. That mum was letting Da do it. That wasn’t true. I knew I couldn’t say no. That I couldn’t say it was someone else because that would cause more trouble than it was worth. And she saw the effects of it. How I never stopped moving, stopped cleaning or taking care of people. She knew. She said she knew. And yet…he was going to be mad at me, at us.

  
“Will, it’s ok,” she said to me.

  
“No, it’s not,” I said shaking my head, “Go home. Just go,” I said trying not to cry.

  
“Will?” I heard Mike say from behind me causing both Karen and I to look.

  
“It’s ok,” I said sucking it up and trying to calm myself down, “I’m ok.”

  
“Are you sure?” Mike asked frowning at me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“It’ll be ok,” Karen said standing up, “I promise.”

  
I nodded my head again. She was wrong I knew she was wrong. That things were not going to be ok. That I was going to hear all about how not ok they were about to be very shortly. I sat up. Mike made Matt go to bed at the time they were supposed to because I was too tired and too numb yet so utterly terrified I couldn’t move.

  
When I finally found the strength to get myself to do something it was to get up and get a drink the clock reading 11:30 and sure enough I heard movement, quiet movement behind the pantry. It hadn’t felt like I’d been sitting there on my own that long, staring at nothing but, the clock couldn’t have been lying. It had really been that long. I had somehow lost track of time.

  
I took a deep breath and Da stepped out. He looked at me folding his arms across his chest, “Can you tell me about what happened earlier? You know, since I’m pretty sure John was either with me or asleep.” He said sounding cold, angry.

  
“I don’t know Da. I don’t know how it happened,” I answered honestly my brain going blank seeing how angry he looked.

  
“You’re supposed to make sure they keep their mouths shut around Karen,” he hissed at me.

  
“He just said it. Matty said it ok? I didn’t even. I don’t know why Da,” I said quietly.

  
“And you didn’t tell him to knock it off? You let him keep talking about it. You let him upset your brothers. You told Karen, what was it she said you replied with? Maybe this is what happens when someone shoves a dick up your ass? Does that sound familiar to you? Instead of telling her James was having a tantrum you basically told her he was having a break down because he’d had sex? Are you kidding me William?” he said his eyes still giving me that look like I was dead. Like this was my fault.

  
I had said something like that to her but I was angry with her and Matt. Jamie was screaming and telling me he just wanted it to stop. Begging me to make it stop. What was I supposed to do?

  
“Da, I’m sorry,” I said, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry Da. I am, ok? I didn’t mean to let it get out of…”

  
“CONTROL!” he said so loudly it echoed off the walls before he realized how loud his was being his voice lowering to a hiss, “To me it sounds like you never had control. You’re so lucky right now. I’m telling him about this and he’ll find a way to fix it. To make sure you get very good at keeping your mouth shut when it needs to be shut.”

  
“I didn’t say anything Da I swear,” I begged him.

  
“You’ll make sure they learn how to keep their mouths shut too. I’m assuming you’re out here for your brother? That you think being here is going to save him or maybe you thought it would help you out? The contract is signed. It’s not going away. You know that. You have to know that. You’re not stupid even though letting Matt run his mouth was a pretty stupid thing to do,” he said to me.

  
The contract was signed. The contract was…I sighed. That meant it was binding whatever was in there it meant I was his. I was going to be Lionel’s for sure and there was no talking Da out of it or escaping it. That I was stuck.

  
“Is this like me being Ben’s?” I asked him quietly.

  
“You mean Lionel?” he asked me to which I stared at my feet and nodded my head.

  
I knew I was his. He had told me I was his. He had written me a love letter telling me he wanted to get to know me. What else would it mean? What else would I be talking about?

  
Da cleared his throat sheepishly some of his anger abating, “How about we go talk about it ok?” he asked me before coming closer to me and reaching out to grab my hand.

  
I closed my eyes reminding myself why I was doing this even if it wasn’t getting me out of anything. That I was doing it so John could have “just one night” like he had said. One night without Da against his skin. It wouldn’t save me but it would help John. Just a little bit like what I had done with Arthur and that was worth it. That made it okish. I was doing it for John so it was ok. I took his hand.

  
He led us down the hall to my room which was empty me letting out a breath I hadn’t even known I was holding. It was good he wasn’t there. I couldn’t imagine how bad this was going to be with him there. Da turned on the light on my desk gesturing for me to sit on the bed as he pulled out my desk chair and sat down looking at me.

  
“Is that why you didn’t think about what Matthew was saying? You were worried about Lionel? Honey he’s not going to hurt you, ok? I know it’s different from you and me but, he’s a good man he’ll treat you good ok?” Da said.

  
“So, it will be like when I was…” I barely managed trailing off.

  
“No,” Da said, “Lionel wants to take you places and do fun stuff with you. Get to know you. I gave you to Ben because he said that you were handsome that he wanted to be with you. He said he would treat you right but, he didn’t and I’m sorry. I really am. I shouldn’t have done that to you but Mr. Lord is a friend. He won’t treat you like that ok?”

  
“It won’t be like that?” I asked him.

  
“No,” Da said shaking his head, “It’ll be like you and me a little bit. You know how I…” he leaned forward putting his hand on my cheek his voice getting low, husky, “How I make you feel good?”

  
My body froze. This was for John. I remember repeating that to myself working on trying to keep myself calm just saying it in my head over and over “ _this is for John. You’re doing it for John._ ”

  
He leaned closer and closer before his lips were on mine, before his tongue was in my mouth stealing my breath. He was on top of me forcing me to lean back as he climbed into my lap his lips finally moving from my mouth to my neck.

  
“You feel so good,” he said into my skin as I was forced to lay flat my legs still hanging off the side of the bed, “I remember when John felt this…fragile. How I was always afraid I would break him. I know how to do it now though. That’s why I’ve never hurt you. Not even a little bit.”

  
I wanted to tell him not to touch me like that. That I wasn’t ok with that. The way he was on top of me but I found it hard to even speak. My head feeling weird as he looked at me as he shifted his weight so he was no longer laying completely on top of me his hands lifting up my shirt as he started kissing my stomach sucking on the spot above my navel as his hands went to my jeans undoing the button and then the fly.

  
My heart felt like a rat almost scratching like it was trying to escape. It was beating so fast it was making it hard to breathe. It didn’t like it. He was going to use his mouth and I didn’t like it. That’s what he did first and I didn’t want that.

  
“Daddy,” I said quietly somehow finding my voice.

  
“It’s ok honey,” he said quietly, “Let me love you ok? One last time. Just for a little while all right? It’ll be special.”

  
He was going to use his tongue. I knew he was, the feeling of it hitting the skin before my belly button causing me to hiss. I closed my eyes waiting for his tongue to go lower but instead I felt him pull away lifting my shirt up over my head.

  
“Open your eyes honey,” he said quietly, “I want to see your eyes.”

  
I sighed and opened my eyes slowly to see him looking at me intently like he was thinking about something hard. What he wanted to do with me my jeans undone but still on my body my shirt pushed up above my pecs as he stared at me.

  
“Why don’t we go take a shower?” he said quietly.

  
Why? I remember thinking that as I gulped figuring it was something that I wouldn’t like. Something he was going to do to me that I wasn’t going to like. I knew better than to say that out loud. Then to question him. So I nodded my head numbly in response as he helped me sit up before he kissed my cheek.

  
“Let me go get it running I’ll be back in a second,” he said smiling widely at me as he undid his pants and left them on my bedroom floor.

  
Like I said I didn’t know what he was doing but, I was scared of it. Last time someone had told me to wait or that they were going to try something new or whatever I ended up with a tongue in my ass hanging off a chair so I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of whatever he was planning even if I didn’t know what he was doing. He came back a few minutes later and I could hear the shower running from my bathroom him standing me up.

  
“You’re so…beautiful in your own way you know that?” Da said as he guided me into the bathroom walking backwards so he could stare at me, keep his eyes on me.

  
No. I wasn’t beautiful. I definitely didn’t feel beautiful. When he made it into the bathroom he shut the door and didn’t waste any time peeling the rest of his clothes off as I watched him. I mean he got naked all the time in front of me but he threw his clothes off like someone had lit them on fire as the room started filling with steam.

  
“Come here honey,” he said holding open the shower curtain for me.

  
I didn’t know why we were taking a shower but I looked at him awkwardly not bothering to point out that I was still mostly dressed before he sighed letting it go, “Come on. Out of your clothes and in the shower,” he commanded.

  
I sighed closing my eyes as I pulled my shirt over my head “this is for John.” I told myself remembering why I had volunteered to do this in the first place. So that John didn’t have to. So that he could get a night to himself. A night to breathe. I took off my clothes and stepped into the shower his hands massaging my shoulders and neck softly as he stood behind me the water hitting against me before I felt his lips against the base of my neck as he leaned down.

  
“Why don’t you lean forward for me?” he whispered quietly into my ear.

  
“What?” I asked turning my head to look up at him.

  
“Just like…” he reached forward placing his palms flat against the wall in front of us up against the white and blue tiles on either side of my body, “… and lean forward and stick your butt out like you’re going to touch your toes ok?”

  
“Da…” I started to question him when I looked back at him again.

  
“Don’t question just do it. I’m not going to hurt you,” he said to me, “You know I won’t hurt you.”

  
I sighed. He didn’t like being questioned. He believed in complete and utter obedience especially when it was a situation like this, a sexual one. If he thought I was questioning him he would get mad and then he would hurt me, even if in the end he hadn’t meant to and he said he was sorry. I sighed and did as I was told as he reached up above me and grabbed the shower head off its mount. He didn’t ask me if he could but did his best to maneuver so that he was spraying warm water into me, making sure I was clean I guess as I stood there frozen with my hands pressed as hard into the tile as I could make them go.

  
I knew what he was doing and the thought made me blush, made me feel ashamed. I didn’t like it when they did that. When they used their tongues like that, their mouths. I stood there frozen as he finished spraying me down with the water and put the shower head back before he dropped to his knees wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing the small of my back making me tense. I knew there was no way out of this reminding myself to just breathe, that I was doing it for John, for my brother who needed a break so desperately even if doing it wouldn’t help me.

  
“It’s ok honey,” he muttered quietly against my spine, “Just lean forward and use the wall.”

  
I hissed slightly trying to be quiet as I felt his tongue hit that spot. I knew I was supposed to be quiet everyone was sleeping. It was important to play the “quiet game” which was something Da and Ben had worked on with me, Da from the time I was little. That no matter what he did to me, how he touched me I was supposed to be quiet if it was in a place that was close to other people so it didn’t catch anyone’s attention, so we weren’t heard and interrupted.

  
I remember having a hard time breathing as the water rained down on my head sometimes getting in my face and nose as I tried to stay as silent as possible my mouth opening in a silent scream or mewl at different points because of how my nervous system was firing, responding to his touch. I felt him shift away his skin no longer in contact with mine after a few minutes and I thought maybe he was done. Maybe I was lucky enough that he was going to stop.

  
I heard him muttering to himself before he clapped once happily. I didn’t turn around to see what he was doing me pressing my nose against the wall between my hands. So, he probably wasn’t done. He was…

  
“Just relax, I’m going to make you feel so good honey,” he said before I felt his finger there pushing into me. It felt cold but something about it the way it felt was different. It felt waterier I guess you could say and less slick then normal when he stuck his finger in there it almost burning a little when he put his finger in which wasn’t something his finger usually did even if other parts of him always felt that way upon first entering my body.

  
“Da,” I said quietly before reminding myself I had to breathe and stopping to try and calm myself down.

  
“Just relax,” he muttered again kissing the back of my legs and thighs as he worked me open slowly eventually causing me to bite into my own forearm to keep myself from making sound.

  
As much as I hated it my body was…very responsive. The cold tickling going up and down my spine making it hard to be still and be silent my whole body trembling every time he curled his finger inside me until I was panting and squirming having a hard time staying standing.

  
“You want it don’t you honey? You want my cock? You want my cock to make you feel good?” he asked me before inserting a second finger scissoring me open, “I want you. I want you so bad honey, my cock wants you so bad.”

  
He was starting it. Talking dirty to me like he had before. I braced myself as he stood up closing my eyes and squeezing them shut before I felt him grind against me, rubbing his dick against my tail bone, “You know you want it. You want my cock, be my good little cock slut. Just relax and let me in.”

  
I felt frozen. The feeling of being frozen deep in the center of my chest. I didn’t want him in there. I didn’t want his…I didn’t want it. I knew it was for John. I did. I kept trying to tell myself that, that it was for John but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel it. I didn’t want it to happen I wanted it to stop it was bad enough he had used his tongue and his fingers and now he was going to.

  
“DA!” I said loudly as he started to slide into me before he slammed a hand tightly over my mouth.

  
“You’ve been being so good honey, so good at being a good cock slut don’t be bad now,” he murmured into the back of my neck, “I know it probably feels a little different because this a little…but it’ll stop hurting in a minute I promise.” He muttered as he pushed into me inch by inch.

  
He stopped moving once he was seated inside of me reaching around and grabbing me, rubbing me and kissing the back of my neck, “God you feel so good. You want my cock so bad don’t you honey? my special boy? Daddy’s special boy huh? God, you feel amazing. So, good,” he moaned into my neck and up against my ear lobes his mouths and hands hungry for my body as he kept the rest of him as still as possible trying to give my body time to adjust.

  
He didn’t wait for me to tell him I was ready when he finally did move the feeling of him sliding out to move back in making me whimper as he held his hand over my mouth, “It’s ok honey. I’ll make it feel so good. I know your body wants my cock, it feels so…” he said trailing off as he kept pumping forward in and out his hand rubbing me making my chest heave as I tried to breathe through my nose because he was holding my mouth closed to help keep me silent even as he groaned and moaned into my ear with each thrust into me.

  
He kept hitting that spot that felt like my body was spinning, me having no choice but to try and keep myself on my legs that felt like they were shaking.

  
“Bounce on it honey, bounce on my cock you little cock slut, my good little cock…” he went dead still and silent. Like maybe he had heard something stopping for a minute his hand still over my mouth to keep me as quiet as possible.

  
A second later the door bursts open so hard it bounced off the wall as someone entered my bathroom loudly, clearing their throat before he spoke. Da had to have known it was him. That it wasn’t going to be anyone else. Who else would be awake that would come in here unless it was James but if James was going to get up he would have already been up and come to see me. He didn’t say anything but Da leaned into my ear to make sure I could hear him.

  
“Ask him what he wants?”

  
“What?” I said barely keeping my voice stable, Da still inside my body his hands still around me.

  
“It’s me,” John said, “Da?” he asked.

  
“Oh, hey baby,” Da said to him, “Can you shut the door?”

  
Da let go of me, pulling out, allowing me to breathe. I almost collapsed right there finally feeling free like my body belonged to me again and it wasn’t some cage I was trapped in. I put my back against the cold tiled wall as Da backed away giving me some space before he opened the curtain to look at John.

  
“You want to have some fun? The three of us?” he asked looking at him and smiling.

  
“What?” I asked hearing the panic in my voice. I couldn’t imagine doing that at that moment. My Da had just… and I was smaller than John, younger. Just barely us being the same height but…I knew what was going to happen if Da made us do that.

  
“Well, I keep thinking about what you guys said and maybe I want to cash that rain check,” Da said turning to look at me smiling, excitement flashing in his eyes.

  
I said a silent prayer in my head that he wouldn’t. That he wouldn’t make me do it. Not with John, not tonight not with so much going on. Not with me panicking. I felt my body starting to shiver.

  
“I-I w-was hoping to be alone with you?” John said to him quietly.

  
“Really?” Da said his tone excited as he climbed out of the shower away from me and towards John grabbing John roughly by the back of the neck as I turned away.

  
I didn’t want to see that. I knew why John was doing it. Because it seemed like I…I had experienced enough and to John me having to experience any of it was more than enough and I knew that’s how he felt about it. All of his actions always made that very clear. He could probably sense my distress having no idea what he had walked in on, Da deep inside my body trying to…work us both toward the point of no return.

  
I didn’t hear most of what they said only hearing Da’s comment as he pulled John’s shirt over his head, “You smell like alcohol by the way.”

  
“Can we not in front of…?” John trailed off titling his head at me looking at me.

  
I felt guilty. He was doing it for me and I knew he was. I wrapped my arms around myself. He thought I was so weak that I couldn’t handle it. Maybe I was just tired of being a slut that day? Maybe I wasn’t his baby brother but just a kid that was tired and angry and didn’t want to be blamed anymore. Maybe it had nothing to do with being weak and not being able to handle it.

  
“Yeah, let’s go,” Da said before they left the bathroom.

  
I allowed myself to lose my center sliding down the wall to the bathtub floor to sit. I didn’t want to be a slut anymore. I didn’t want…any of it anymore. I didn’t want to deal with anyone or anything. I closed my eyes pulling my knees to my chest and hugging myself. I could feel them on my skin all of them. Hear what he said, what he called me still echoing in my ears and the things Lionel said. How I felt good, felt like satin. How I smelt good. I didn’t want to be me anymore. It didn’t want to be this anymore.  
I remember thinking that he shouldn’t have to save me. It wasn’t his job, John shouldn’t have to save me. He shouldn’t have to save me. I remember thinking that over and over as I stared dully at my tube of toothpaste noticing it.

  
I noticed how it was ridged at the bottom how it was sharp looking. I picked it up. Running my finger over it to feel how serrated it was. Wondering if it would actually work. If I would stop being angry if I could drain out of me whatever it was that made them want me. Want to be with me. That made Da want me and Ben and….

  
I threw it on the floor of the tub causing it ricochet up and nearly hit the ceiling as I bit into my hand biting the space of between my index finger and thumb to keep myself from screaming. It wasn’t fair. I wasn’t easy on purpose. I didn’t want to be like this anymore. I didn’t want to want it. I didn’t want to flirt. I didn’t want to… Matt was right I was easy. Da was right I was a slut, a cock slut and I didn’t want to be.

  
I cried until my throat felt raw making sure I stayed as silent as possible. I cried until the water almost ran cold standing up and scrubbing myself as clean as I could. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t feel fair that Matt got to be right and so mean all at once. It didn’t feel fair that I could try so hard to be good like John and yet I still came up short in every aspect. I was good enough for Da to fuck but I wasn’t good enough for him to protect. Sure, he wasn’t really protecting John either but he wasn’t letting every guy that walked into the house stare at him like that, eye fuck him like they did me at that table. He wasn’t letting old gross men send him love letters. He was keeping John to himself. At least that’s what I thought that other than Hank and Arthur and what had happened at Christmas with Hank and Arthur John had mostly been left alone.

  
When I was clean and felt sufficiently exhausted I turned off the water and got up putting on PJ’s where I climbed into bed and laid there closing my eyes and falling asleep.


	39. Thirtynine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Da calls John and Will downstairs to discuss new years eve plans as mum and him get ready to leave for the evening. Karen brings her boyfriend over for her long weekend with the McGregor clan making Will uneasy as John disappears for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Page 698 to 714. This is the end of part 1 of Will's story. Tell me what you think. Are you excited and prehaps dreading what happens next? Let me know. **Warnings: Talk of sexual abuse, mental health issues, emotional manipulation. Occurs around the same time as John's pov part1 chapter 16.**

I remember drifting in and out that morning but, not leaving my bedroom. Not even when I heard someone hollering loudly outside my bedroom door. I was too tired. Too broken. I had no idea where James was but at some point, I heard my bedroom door open turning away and keep my eyes closed before I felt someone crawl in bed beside me. When he settled against my back I knew it was him.

“Willy why are you acting like John?” he asked me quietly.

It was hard to explain but I was tired. I didn’t want to be who I was anymore. Even it was just for a second. I had a headache and my body felt wrong, weird. I was just tired, beyond tired.

“I’m tired,” I told him.

“But you’re acting like John but you’re not John Willy. Why are you so sad?” he asked me.

“I’m just scared,” I told him.

“It’s ok to be scared or sad? Remember you told me it was ok,” he reminded me.

“It is bud,” I said hugging him, “I promise. We’ll be ok as long as we’re together, right?”

“Yeah. That’s what you said. As long as we’re together,” he agreed hugging me before I turned around pulling him into my chest.

I felt helpless. I just hoped that they would still leave because if they didn’t…I didn’t think he would wait. I didn’t see Lionel waiting I saw him coming to the house and…I didn’t want to do that.

“It’s ok Willy,” James said rubbing my back as he hugged me, “We’re together so we’re safe. It’s ok.”

I didn’t feel ok. It didn’t feel ok. It felt like hearing an air raid alarm and waiting for the bomb to hit. It just didn’t want to deal with anything anymore but I knew my little brother needed me that he was as scared of him and the fact that he might be around as I was.

“You helped me yesterday,” he told me quietly.

“I know. It’s ok,” I told him.

“It felt weird,” he told me suddenly sitting up, “The…my body felt weird. I could hear you but I heard him too.”

“It’s ok. John used to do that sometimes before we went…before we moved to London. He used to tell me how scary it was. That he didn’t understand it but his head felt like it was going back in time to when Da hurt him. It happened at school sometimes and I think they told mum about it. I don’t know though. I can ask him how he dealt with it if you want me to. Or ask mum,” I told him.

“You can’t tell mummy,” he said, “She’ll be sad and she won’t come see us anymore.”

“That’s not true mummy was tired yesterday and sick and some stuff happened. She wasn’t avoiding us just to avoid us ok bud? I promise. Mum was dealing with a lot yesterday like she is today,” I explained.

“I just want to be safe,” he muttered into my chest.

“I know,” I said as I heard the com crackle across the hallway, “Hold on.” I said stumbling out of my door and over to the com as Da spoke into it.

“John, Will, could you both please come here?” Da asked.

I walked over and hit the button, “Where are you at?”

“Downstairs bedroom,” he answered me crisply.

I sighed. The last thing I wanted to do was see him. Especially if he wanted to see us both together. For all I knew he was going to rape us or make us rape each other but I knew I couldn’t tell him no.

“We’re coming,” I said as I turned to John standing there looking at me to which I nodded my head and we both walked towards the lift me reaching it first and hitting the button to call it up to us.

“What do you think he wants?” I asked John looking at him nervously shifting my weight from foot to foot as he looked at me.

“He told me him and mum were leaving early. Maybe it has to do with that,” John suggested shrugging his shoulders.

I couldn’t help but being worried about it. About what he might be thinking instead. About whether or not he was going to try and get us to do stuff together. That he was going to ask for his raincheck.

“Maybe he wants to get his raincheck?” I voiced quietly, nervously.

“I don’t think so,” John said immediately, “He’d take us downstairs for that. Not in the bedroom. Especially not with mum home so I think we’re ok.”

I wanted to believe him but, if life had taught me anything about Da it was that he did what he wanted. That he always got what he wanted. No one could stop him or tell him no. Not John, not me and not mum. If he wanted to do it he would no matter what. Mum’s face told that story easily enough. I was sure of it. I wanted to trust John though.

“You sure?” I asked him barely able to find my voice I was so nervous.

“Pretty sure,” John said smiling at me sadly and nodding his head.

“So, they are leaving early? Does that mean they are leaving us with Karen?” I asked him sure he knew the answer.

“I’d assume so,” he said, “And Hank.”

Hank? No, no. Not Hank. If Hank was here that meant that he would go after John or worse, Mac. John couldn’t be serious they wouldn’t let Hank come around. They couldn’t.

“Hank? You’ve got to be kidding me?” I asked my mouth falling open in shock.

“Nope. I’m supposed to keep him busy,” John said shrugging his shoulders before his licked his back moral.

I could tell the idea of Hank, just the thought of him bothered John. Just like the idea of Lionel bothered me. I could tell he was barely holding it together trying to be strong for me. Trying to pretend Hank being there wasn’t going to bother him. That the things Hank was probably going to make him do weren’t going to bother him but it did. I could tell it did.

“Oh no John,” I said quietly before he sneered at me pulling a hair through his hair to get it out of his face.

“Imagine how I feel,” he barely whispered.

“It’s that bad?” I asked him quietly.

  
“Da hinted that he’s going to have us do things. Pat and me. I don’t want to,” he said staring off at a spot somewhere above my head so he didn’t have to look at me as the lift dinged and then opened onto the second floor and we stepped out.

  
I didn’t know what to say to that. If there was anything I could say. Pat was his friend. Sure, it seemed like they shared a crush but that didn’t mean they wanted to do that, have sex with each other. My heart hurt for him. He didn’t deserve to be treated like this, like a thing Da could hand out to whoever he wanted. I patted his shoulder sympathetically.

  
“Good luck with that,” I said to him as we walked down the hall to the door of mum and Da’s room. They room that they actually shared together and not the room where mum usually stayed.

  
“Yeah. You too,” he said to me before he knocked on it, placing his hand on the knob.

  
“Come in,” Mum said as John opened the door.

  
She smiled at us from the pile of clothes she was in front of her face already looking better. The bruises she had been sporting last time I saw her two days ago already appearing a light yellow, almost completely gone concealer probably hiding most of them. She seemed happy, at ease as she looked at us the two suit cases open in front of her on the bed.

  
“Hi mum,” John said quietly before he glanced at me as I shut the door behind me and walked so that I was standing next to him.

  
“hi, my kiddos,” she said, “Your Da and I are getting ready to leave. We’ll be gone until the 2nd around 9pm. We’ll have fun and I’ll be sure to keep him busy. I just wanted you guys to know.”

  
“Who will be watching us?” John asked her quietly shooting me a looking meaning I should keep my mouth shut.

  
That I shouldn’t say anything about Hank because it would only worry her. That there was nothing she could do about it anyway so I might as well not say anything. I knew it was true. That it was the right thing to do. That and if I warned her, if I said anything there was a chance they wouldn’t leave at all and then he would stay in town. If he stayed he might come here and then not only was I in danger but James as well. James who couldn’t take anymore. James who was slowly breaking and that was just from one encounter with him.

  
“Karen,” Mum answered folding a shirt that was in one of the piles and placing it neatly into one of the suit cases, “Karen however might be quitting after the holidays because apparently she has some issue with certain people’s attitudes.”

  
“Mum,” I opened my mouth to explain, to try and tell her what was going on but she wouldn’t let me speak, giving me a hard look.

  
“Will, I don’t want to hear it. I’m informed,” she told us sharply, “Karen will be having her boyfriend over. John, if Hank shows up I want you to call ok?”

  
She shot John a look. So, she knew he might come? So, she was leaving with Da anyway despite that information? I looked at John wondering what he had told her. What he knew about any of the stuff going on. Was he sacrificing himself so that I would be ok? So that he could save me yet again? Like he had last night. Or was this something else? I didn’t care if he was trying to protect me. It wasn’t right and Hank shouldn’t be around. John knew he shouldn’t.

  
“He won’t,” I notified her.

  
“Then I can’t go,” she said sitting down on the bed in front of us and folding her arms over her chest.

  
“No,” we both said in unison.

  
Now I knew I didn’t want Hank around but like I stated before. I wasn’t sure I wanted mum and Da to stay home because I knew what it could mean for me. That Lionel probably wouldn’t wait until the 8th. That he would…I shivered just thinking about it. Thinking about him being there and the type of stuff he was going to make me do. That he was going to do to me.

  
“You’re Da is that bad?” she asked us quietly.

  
“Mum,” I sighed, “It’s complicated.”

  
“I realize that Will. He’s raping you. I get it and I understand you need a break which is why I’m taking your Da to New York. Who knows? Maybe some time away and he will get better? What exactly does he say to you guys?” she asked us.

  
Was she seriously asking us that? Asking us that question. What he said to us? Why did she need to know that? I didn’t want to tell her that. To tell her all the things he said to me, that I was his…cock slut. That he called me that. She didn’t need to know that. There wasn’t any point to it. I glanced at John who seemed just as thrown by the question as I was. Just as lost about how to answer it.

  
“Well mum, you watched the video. You know what he says,” I said for John as I looked at his face. At how confused and hurt he probably felt at being questioned about it.

  
I could tell he was going to collapse. That he was getting ready to freeze up and go into that place in his head like James had done earlier. That place where he could feel their hands on his skin and hear them saying those things, Da saying those things.

  
“I can’t do this,” John barely muttered turning to move to the door as mum stood up, trying to approach him, to stop him from leaving, from walking away.

  
“John, honey please,” Mum said looking at him, her eyes sad, “I need to know.”

  
“I told you what he says!” John hissed shaking his head, near tears,” I’ve told you a lot of stuff he says mum and yet we need to go over this again? Where are you when he’s up there with me? Where are you when I can’t stand to be in my own skin and I want so badly to just not be here?”

  
“Whatever he is doing must be really bad. Not that it’s not really bad on its own but, for you guys to want him gone. To want to deal with Hank rather than your Da, that’s a pretty big deal love,” she told us, “What’s going on here that you want him gone? That you would rather deal with Hank?”

  
“Hank won’t bother me,” I answered her honestly, “Hank as a thing for redheads.”

  
“WILL!” John snapped, warning me I shouldn’t have said that.

  
It was true. Hank wouldn’t come after me. Or at least I doubted he would. That didn’t mean he wasn’t dangerous though. I mean Mac was still in danger and John. If Hank was around they always would be.

  
“Ok,” Mum said looking at us closely, watching our expressions, “What about you John? Why would you rather deal with Hank then with Da?”

  
“Because he’s my Da mum. Don’t you get it? Don’t you understand that? Hank, he hits and bites and he’s…” John trailed off, got quiet looking at his feet, “He doesn’t make it feel good mum.”

  
My heart broke. I knew what that felt like. How badly that felt. How Da and Lionel made me feel that way. How even Ben made it feel that way sometimes even though that was less often. How hard it was for John to say that out loud to mum. To tell her that his body…did things he didn’t want it to.

  
“I don’t want this anymore mum,” he said quietly.

  
“I know honey. I know and I’ll do something about it ok? But you need to give me time remember?” She reminded him.

  
“And what exactly are you going to do Danielle?” Da asked making us all jump making me turn to look at him as he came in the door.

  
John froze. His whole being freezing the same way he made me freeze. The same way that they all made me freeze. I could feel how badly he wanted to move but how his body wasn’t allowing him to. How his body wouldn’t even allow him to turn around and face the thing that horrified him. His eyes wide staring at mum as his chest heaved, as he tried not to feel Da against his skin even though Da wasn’t touching him.

  
Mum smiled covering seamlessly, “You said would work on it. You know maybe have some more kids. You said that would make you happy enough that maybe you would stop, yeah?”

  
“John are you ok?” I asked him quietly. He looked beyond scared. Like he was going to collapse to the ground at any second screaming. Screaming like James had screamed that he just wanted it to stop. Wanted someone, anyone to make IT stop. The feeling of people raping him. People that weren’t there and weren’t touching him.

  
Mum looked at him closely her face falling with worry as she held out her hand walking towards him, “John, come here honey.”

  
He instinctually backed up not being able to stomach the thought of being touched his back hitting Da in the chest. I cringed as a shiver shot through me just watching it. That was the last thing he wanted, the last thing he needed. Da needed to let him go. That wasn’t fair. None of this was fair.

  
“Don’t touch me,” John barley managed to squeak squeezing his eyes closed like maybe if he kept his eyes closed long enough Da would go away, Da’s hand wouldn’t be on his shoulder his whole body starting to shake like he was freezing.

  
“John, look at me,” I said coxing him to open his eyes, “You’re ok. You’re ok, all right? Da could you please quit touching him he’s freaking out.”

  
Da sighed his eyes going cold. Frozen with anger looking at me. I knew I was in trouble when he gave me that look. That he was angry because I had told him what to do. That was something none of us were ever allowed to do. You didn’t tell Da what to do. Not ever. I swallowed my fear looking at him, trying to stand my ground.

  
I was beyond scared shitless but John needed me. He couldn’t speak and I knew he couldn’t speak so it was up to me to speak for him. It’s not like Mum could help either but someone had to. Someone had to at least try.

  
“Will, your brother is fine,” Da said to me his eyes cold and unblinking on me.

  
“Are you nuts Da?” I hissed, “He’s not fine at all. He’s literally shaking Da. Don’t you ever just not want to be touched?” I asked him frowning.

  
He gave me a tight-lipped smile as if to say I would pay for it dearly later and I had no doubt that I would. No doubt that he would make sure I regretted questioning him but his hand dropped from John’s shoulders John taking a couple of steps forward on unstable legs.

  
“John honey?” Mum questioned quietly, “What are you feeling?”

  
“I—I can’t,” he said before slapping his hand over mouth to try and hide the fact that his breathing was labored. That he was starting to hyperventilate he was so terrorized before he ran into the attached bathroom slamming the door shut behind him.  
I didn’t really hear what they said after that instead choosing to go to the door and knock on it before I opened it slowly to find him with his back against it his knees pulled into his chest and his body curled in on itself like he was trying to make himself as small as possible.

  
“Go away,” he said sounding unsteady like he was crying or trying not to cry.

  
“John, it’s me,” I said simply to which he moved away from the door scooting across the floor so that he was sitting with his back pressed against the bathtub.

  
I settled in by the sink listening to mum and Da yell at each other through the door as we stared at one another. He was still shaking, his chest still heaving like he was having trouble breathing that look of frozen panic on his face. The same look James had worn yesterday before he started sobbing and screaming.

  
“You could feel him?” I asked him quietly, seeing how far gone he was. If he could actually hear me and he was still present or if he was too trapped in his own mind to understand he wasn’t in danger, that no one was hurting him and that at the moment he was ok.

  
“All of it,” he gasped hiccupping a little as he started rocking back and forth, “I feel like I need to fucking scream.”

  
“I get it,” I told him, “It happens to me sometimes. Just usually when I’m alone.”

  
“Me too,” he whispered, “Every time after I have to nearly choke myself to keep from screaming. I shove my fist in my mouth because I really. It hurts so bad.”

  
He started hiccupping his chest spasming with pressure as he tried to sob silently. It hurt to see him like that. To see him so lost and scared, so freaked out just because of him. Because of Da. I was scared of Da too, I really was but, I …he was different with John.

  
I knew he was different with John. I had been there. Had seen it. He had only been like that with me maybe twice. And it was terrifying the way he did it. The things he said it made you feel dirty. Like you wanted it like, you did something to deserve it. It was the same way Lionel made me feel. It wasn’t ok. It was soul shattering.

  
“I know I’m sorry,” I replied quietly before I managed to look at him and see him looking at me, “Is that why you drink so much?”

  
“Yes,” he said nodding his head, “I can’t stand myself! I hate this! I hate myself. I do! I hate myself so much and you don’t get it! No one gets it!”

  
“John, I get it,” I sighed moving closer to him, “I promise. I get it. Can I grab your hand?”

  
I knew better than to just offer my hand to him or try to hug him. Especially when I knew his skin was crawling like that. Especially when I knew he couldn’t stand to be in his own body without anyone touching him. It wasn’t a good idea to try and touch him without him saying it was ok.

  
He nodded his head before I grabbed his hand giving it a gentle squeeze to offer him what little comfort I could. I didn’t want to see him like this. He wanted to tear his own skin off and I could tell by looking at him. He wasn’t ok he was very far from ok. I felt like he was breaking and wasn’t sure how he was still able to function at all the pain coming off him in waves.

  
“You shouldn’t hate yourself,” I told him quietly, “You should hate him, t hem. All of them. Not yourself.”

  
“Why?” He asked his splinted hand that was still wrapped around his knees, “Everyone hate me so why not?”

  
“John, no one hates you,” I said shaking my head.

  
No one hated him. Maybe that was a part of the problem though. I knew I didn’t hate him and our little brothers and sisters loved him to death. But, maybe Da did too. And Hank. Maybe that’s what they thought too. But, they were literally loving him to death. Forcing things on him he didn’t want. Forcing kisses and whispers into his skin that made him want to die. That did make him die, just a piece at a time.

  
“No, they do. They all do Will. Da says he doesn’t, that they don’t but they do. If Da loved me he wouldn’t sell me to them. He wouldn’t make me do the things I have to do,” he muttered giving my hand a squeeze.

  
What? Sell him? No, no. Da was doing it to him too? Giving him away to someone else. He couldn’t do that. That wasn’t fair. I needed him and he was barely here when it was just Da and Hank. How was he ever supposed to be normal again? How was ever supposed to help me again?

  
“Sell you?” I asked my eyes wide staring at him in disbelief.

  
“He said that he had to pay a lot of money to keep my name out of the bowl. That Hank is paying money to spend time with me and they are selling those videos they keep making and like I said I’m supposed to make one with Pat. If he loved me why would he want me to do this?” He asked me.

  
I didn’t have answers. I wished I did. That I was strong enough to stop them. To get them to leave John alone just so he could breathe. So, he could find some peace somewhere, anywhere even if it was temporary. I said the only thing I could think of. Knowing it was a lie even as I said but not sure what else to say.

  
“I don’t know. We’ll be ok though. I promise you, everything will be ok,” I muttered and squeezed his hand tighter.

  
“Please don’t lie to me Will. I know it’s not going to be ok,” he said after his breathing started to normalize, after he started to calm down.

  
“Does it help to hear it though?” I asked him.

  
“A little,” he answered sniffling, “I don’t know what I’m going to do about…”

  
“Hank? Is there really anything you can do?” I asked him.

  
“No,” he said shaking his head, “I have a really bad feeling about the whole thing,” he said before something hit the wall outside the bathroom making us both jump and look at each other wide eyed.

  
“Do you think they’ll still go early?” I asked him nervous that they weren’t leaving at all.

  
If they didn’t leave it meant he might not leave. And…I couldn’t deal with my brothers breaking down and then Karen’s attitude and then him on top of all of that. I felt like I was beyond my breaking point. I wanted to scream and cry just as badly as John did because I couldn’t take the stress and worry anymore. It was bad enough that Hank was coming let alone him, let alone Lionel.

  
It seemed like stopping to think about calmed him down. The shaking in his body stopping as he sighed heavily pressing his fingers to his temples. He seemed tired and stressed. I couldn’t blame him but, he was calmer now, more relaxed as he answered.

  
“I don’t think so. I don’t think Da would ruin his own plans. I would say that yeah, I think they’re still going. I doubt they’d cancel just because I decided to have a panic attack,” John answered me.

  
There was a sharp knock on the door making us both jump again eyeing each other was we let go of one another hands. Before she spoke both of us relaxing and exhaling a breath I don’t think either one of us was aware we were holding.

  
“It’s mum,” she said, “You guys can come out now.”

  
I stood up, not sure exactly what was going on. I peeked around the door after opening it a crack to make sure he was gone so John didn’t have to see him, so I didn’t have to deal with him before I allowed the door to open completely and stepped out.

  
“Are you ok?” I asked mum looking at her as she sat down at her vanity looking like she was messing with her hair, putting it back in place.

  
“Yes love. It’s ok, he just doesn’t get it,” She sighed looking at my reflection in the mirror in front of her as she inspected her make-up, “We’re still going. Everything is fine.”

  
I felt some relief at that. I meant I was safe, that James was safe. Or at least that we should be. I knew that didn’t help John any but, it did help me. It made me feel almost guilty that something that could cause me such relief could induce such dread in John.

  
“So, you’re going to be gone until Sunday?” John asked mum timidly.

  
“Saturday,” Mum corrected him, “I’ll make sure everyone is ready to go back to school Sunday. I figured we could all go to church.”

  
She wanted to go to church with us. I mean I understood why. She was really religious and it was a requirement for upper classmen to attend mass on Sundays. While she had been gone because it wasn’t a requirement for the rest of us and John hadn’t been in school Da hadn’t made us go. I didn’t have a problem with it either way but I wasn’t sure why we were going before John was required to go.

  
John shot me a look and sighed before I looked at mum in the mirror, “Why?”

  
“Well, John is going to be staring school Monday. It might be a good way to meet some classmates and get introduced to some teachers,” she told us.

  
Really? That was why? That was a stupid reason I could tell him all about the teachers. And he had friends. Sure, it was just Cole and Pat but they were his classmates. I was pretty sure of that. Our school wasn’t a big school with maybe 200 students per class if that. In my opinion John’s enrollment wasn’t any reason to start going to Sunday mass a week early. Especially when I knew Headmaster Watson would be there. I hated him and I really didn’t want to see him or be anywhere near him before I had to.

  
“Mum,” I said, “I can tell him about the teachers. Besides shouldn’t he get to enjoy his last day of freedom?” I pleaded with her.

  
“You mean my last day of incarceration?” John asked looking at me, “Sure, whatever.”

  
“You’re looking forward to school that much?” Mum asked him smiling at his reflection.

  
“Yes,” John answered.

  
“Well, that’s good I guess,” she smiled into the mirror at him putting her earrings on.

  
“Hey, I didn’t say I was looking forward to the school work. I’m just looking forward to being able to actually leave the house. That and having people my own age to hang with,” John muttered.

  
“Well, even if that’s the only reason you want to go to school it still works for me,” Mum said to him standing up.

  
“What time are you guys leaving?” I asked her looking at the alarm clock on the night stand checking the time. It was almost 3:30. I knew their jet couldn’t be leaving that late. That they would have to leave soon.

  
“Shortly,” she said, “The Jet leaves at five so we’ll be heading off soon. You boys can go back upstairs. I’ll let you know when Karen is here and come say goodbye, yeah? I have to finish getting ready.”

  
I nodded my head. She was right she did have to finish getting ready. Her hair and make-up might have been done but she was in her PJ’s still wearing a dressing robe. I nodded my head leaving the room waiting only a minute or two for John before I hit the lift button. He didn’t come up with me and I didn’t know why. I figured he got caught up asking mum something until about 15 minutes later she came upstairs in the lift.

  
“All right everyone Da and I are leaving,” she shouted down the hall a chorus of little feet responding running to hug her and say goodbye as I turned to walk down the hall.

  
Behind her two people stepped out of the lift Karen and some guy that had to be around her age. I had never seen him before and yet he looked familiar. It was hard to place him. He felt like someone I knew but I was sure I didn’t know him. Until he saw me watching him and waved and smiled at me sheepishly. Then I knew where I knew him, not him per say but his face. He almost had Teddy’s face.

  
“Will don’t just stare at him,” Karen said to me quietly before she turned to the guy and said something to which he nodded his head.

  
“Hi, Will, right?” he asked me coming forward, “I’m Louis. I think you might know my brother. Teddy? Or maybe my other brother Luke?”

  
“I know Luke,” James said behind me causing me to turn and look at him.

  
I didn’t know Teddy and Luke had an older brother. It wasn’t something either of them had talked about nor Lionel who was their grandpa. It made me nervous a little wondering why I had never heard about him before but, I shook his hand anyway watching him closely.

  
“You’re going to be helping this weekend?” I asked him quietly.

  
“Yeah, Karen is my really special friend so I thought I would help her out,” he told me while he looked at James.

  
That made me nervous. He wasn’t giving him a predatory look but I wasn’t sure I wanted him watching my brothers any of my brothers or sisters. I wasn’t sure I could trust him. I heard mum clear her throat from where she was standing behind Louis.

  
“Aren’t you two going to say goodbye to me?” she asked James and I holding her arms open.

  
James ran to her hugging the skirt of her long lavender cocktail dress, “Do you have to go mummy?” he asked her quietly closing his eyes.

  
“Aww my little love,” she said bending down and hugging him, “I’ll be back soon. It’ll only be a little while. Tonight, until Saturday morning ok? It’s not that long at all.”

  
“Mummy please,” he said pulling on her skirt, “What if…”

  
I saw where this was going. He was scared because he was afraid that he would come around and mum wouldn’t be here. That no one would be here. I sighed and walked over to him.

  
“Hey bud,” I said getting down my knees so I was level with him, “We’re here together ok? Remember? Nothing can happen if we’re together. Didn’t I promise you that? That as long as we were together it would be ok?”

  
“Yeah,” he whispered hugging mum.

  
“Ok. Well, even if Mum isn’t here we’ll be fine because you and me will be together.” I told him.

  
“All night?” he asked me.

  
“Love I’m not sure…” Mum started but I cut her off.

  
“Yeah, all night. You can stay in my bed with me ok? Wear my one of my shirts? Make you smell better?” I asked him to which he nodded his head after a moments reflection.

  
“Ok,” he agreed.

  
Mum sighed as we both stood and I gave her a hug, “You’re almost as tall as I am. When did that happen?” she asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered, “It’s not a big deal mum. Just give him time ok?”

  
“Ok love,” she said nodding her head, “You’ll watch out for everyone? Make sure everyone behaves for Karen?”

  
“Yeah mum,” I said to her, “I love you.”

  
“I love you too,” she told me before she kissed me on the cheek.

  
Karen smiled at mum, “I’ll take good care of them. I promise.”

  
“I know you will,” she said, “Bye my loves.”

  
“Bye mum,” I said as I picked up James.

  
“But what if he comes?” he whispered in my ear quietly.

  
“He won’t come. He’s going to be away with Da,” I notified him, “We’ll be safe. “

  
“You promise?” he asked me quietly.

  
“Promise,” I told him.

  
With that she turned and stepped onto the lift. It felt weird watching her leave. Knowing that she was going to be gone for more than a couple of hours. That she was leaving us alone with Karen and Louis and John where ever he was and Hank. I sighed holding James who looked at me.

  
“Are you ok?” he asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Yeah. I’m perfectly ok. I promise.”

  
“Ok,” he told me, “Are you going to play with Catty and I?”

  
“What are you playing?” I asked him.

  
“She wants to play tea party but I think I want to play cowboys,” he told me.

  
“Well, how about we play cowboy tea party?” I asked him as we walked into the living room.

  
“Cowboy tea party?” Cat asked me from where she was moving the plastic cups and saucers to the coffee table in front of the tv, “Cowboys don’t drink tea.”

  
“Actually,” Louis said smiling, “I think they did.”

  
“Actually, it was coffee,” I corrected, “But tea is close enough.”

  
“Yeah, I’ve never heard of a coffee party,” Cat told me to which Louis smiled at her.

  
“Am I invited to this cowboy tea party?” Louis asked looking at her.

  
“Sure,” Catty said after a second of silence, “I have to get more cups.”

  
“We’ll be here waiting,” Louis said as she wandered off down the hall.

  
“Will, right?” Louis said turning to look at me.

  
I nodded my head.

  
“I have a weird question for you so forgive me if I offend you but I’ve noticed that you have a slight accent and they don’t so I was…”

  
“I was born here but grew up mostly in London from the time I was four or six. You would actually think they would have more of an accent than I do considering they were born there.”

  
“Well we don’t,” Matty said coming down the hall and grabbing a controller before pushing a button on the TV and changing the Chanelle so he could play video games.

  
“I see that,” Louis said before smiling slightly, “Well, hear that.”

  
“It’s not a huge one just a slight one,” Louis told me as Catty poured nothing from a plastic tea pot into a plastic tea cup. She held a tea cup and tiny plastic saucer out to me before she smiled and curtsied.

  
“Pour tio,” she said. (for you.)

  
“Quelle? Je pensais que c'était la fête du thé de cow-boy?” I asked her. (What? I thought we were playing tea party with cow-boys?)

  
“Non, c'est idiot,” she said blinking at me as I took the cup and saucer. (No, it’s silly)

  
“The whole thing is silly,” Matty mumbled his eyes not leaving the TV.

  
“Wait are you speaking French?” Louis asked a look of admiration on his face.

  
“Oui nous parlons tous français,” James said. (Yes, we speak French)

  
“Karen told me you spoke some French. That your mom had taught you some but, I thought she meant like a little bit not fluent.

  
“Non, nous parlons vrai français. Pas juste un peu,” Mike said. (No, we speak real French not just a little bit.)

  
“se parer,” Matt muttered. (Show off)

  
“Be nice Matt,” I warned him.

  
“Je suis désolé Mikey,” Matt said, “there better?” (I’m sorry Mikey.)

  
“Tres bon,” I said nodding my head. (Very good.)

  
“And for you,” Catty said handing Louis his own plastic tea cup.

  
“Thank you,” he said, “Speaking of tea what are we having for Dinner you think Karen?”

  
“Well, I don’t feel like cooking so I was wondering if…,” she smiled at him biting her bottom lip.

  
“I’d treat everyone?” he asked to which she nodded her head, “Ok. Pizza?”

  
“Pizza?” James and Mike said in unison turning to look at Louis.

  
“Sure, do we know what we’re getting?” he asked them.

“Three large pizza’s half pepperoni half cheese one order of breadsticks and one large salad,” I answered.

  
“Really?” he asked, “Impressive. Karen did say you were in charge.”

  
I sighed shaking my head, “not really.”

  
“No, really. You’re the voice of reason half the time when it comes to these little monsters.”

  
“Who are little monsters?” Mike asked.

  
“Anyone under the age of 8,” Karen said smiling at him.

  
“If it’s only under that age of 8 what is everyone else?” Matt asked.

  
“A pain in my side,” Karen answered going over to the kitchen and picking up the phone before she ordered.

  
“Anyone care to watch a movie?” Louis asked.

  
“I want to play goldeneye,” Matt said.

  
“I thought you beat it,” I commented.

  
“No,” he said, “shut up.”

  
“Hey, be nice to your brothers,” Louis said.

  
“How about we watch the parent trap,” Karen said as she put the phone back in its cradle and hit a button on the TV switching it from the video game to VCR.

  
“But…” Matt said before Karen cut him off.

  
“No, I’m here and the babies are up and moving around still so we’re going to watch the parent trap,” Karen said.

  
“And play princess tea party?” Catty asked.

  
“Sure, do you want me to get down our fancy tea set madam?” Karen asked her.

  
“Yes, please,” she said hugging Karen’s leg before Karen walked down the hall to go and grab the fancy tea set that was in Cat’s bedroom, Cat following her.

  
“I’m going to go grab my book,” I sighed standing up.

  
“The parent trap isn’t your type of movie?” Louis asked me.

  
“I don’t think so? I don’t know I’m used to listening to these two play video games. Karen must be trying to impress you,” I said.

  
“You think so?” Louis questioned.

  
“Well, usually she lets them run the TV over here and goes in the other sitting room with the babies,” I told him.

  
“There’s another sitting room up here?” he questioned me.

  
“Yeah, it’s at the other end of the hall pass the bedrooms,” I commented, “I show you if you want.”

  
“Sure,” he said standing up and following me down the hall.

  
I walked him out to the other side of the floor, to the open area beyond all of the bedrooms and he whistled, “Same nice set up as the other side, only you can see the front yard from up here.”

  
“Yeah, pretty much open on both sides, crown molding, only there’s a fire place where the lift is on the other end. Piano and music room area where the kitchen is,” I said.

  
“I take it you guys don’t spend a lot of time over here?” He asked me.

  
“No actually we do if you walk all the way to the corner there…,”

  
“A little play kitchen,” he said walking around the couch, “I see that. So, is this where the little ones spend their time?”

  
“Usually. Did my mum mention bed times for tonight? I know Matt wants to see the ball drop,” I said sitting down on the couch.

  
Louis looked at the baby swings along the wall along with the pac’n’play before he sat down on the couch next to me. He sat pretty close causing me to scoot over a little bit, to give myself some room. I wasn’t sure what to think of the fact that he had a whole couch to sit on and he decided to sit so close to me but he just started talking, “Karen said that your mum said bedtime was 8 for everyone under 5 and that James could stay up until nine but she wanted Matt and Mike in bed by 9:30. She said you and John could stay up until midnight. Speaking of John, Karen said he’s the oldest?” Louis asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said, “I don’t know where he is.”

  
“I’m sure Hank knows. He told Patrick he could come along. Those two are probably hanging out downstairs somewhere away from all the noise,” Louis told me.

  
So, John’s fear was right. Hank had him and who knew who else was down there. Probably Arthur, maybe even Uncle Ben. I sighed heavily.

  
“What? Is that a bad thing?” Louis asked me.

  
I shook my head, “It’s nothing.”

  
“Well, you do know who my brothers are?” he asked me scooting closer to me again causing me to scoot away again.

  
“What are you doing?” I asked him.

  
“Nothing? Am I making you nervous?” he asked me.

  
I nodded my head.

  
“Sorry. Karen told me you were slightly jumpy. She said something about your Dad.”

  
I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. She’d told Louis? Her boyfriend about…all of that? Why would she tell him? Why would…

  
“And?” I asked him.

  
“Well, she thinks her dad is going to stop him,” Louis said, “I haven’t bothered to correct that notion.”

  
“Why not?” I asked him.

  
“I really care about her. I think her knowing would just upset her. She means a lot to me,” he answered.

  
“Not for other reasons?” I asked quietly.

  
“Other reasons?” he asked barely above a whisper scooting closer to me again causing me to scoot over once more this time so I was touching the arm of the couch. He stared at me intently. So intently I could feel his gaze burning my skin causing me to look away and hug myself. It was that look. I knew it was that look but I didn't want to believe it. He couldn't be serious, right?

  
“What are you doing?” I asked feeling my whole body start to shake.

  
“Nothing,” he said before he cleared his throat, “You know Teddy, right?”

  
“Yeah,” I said, “He’s nice. He’s my friend.”

  
“Could I be your friend?” he asked me.

  
Now I found that comment weird. I didn’t like the way that made me feel. He was older than I was. I was pretty sure he was older than Karen who was 19 at the time. It wasn’t just that he had asked the question it was the tone in his voice, the way he was looking at me.

  
I opened my mouth to say something but couldn’t think of anything to say. He wasn’t going to do that to me, was he? Karen was at the other end of the house with my siblings. He wouldn’t. I somehow managed to stand up and move away.

  
“Relax,” he sighed, “Maybe papa was wrong. Maybe you aren’t flirty.”

  
“Papa?” I asked him.

  
“My grandfather,” he said shrugging his shoulders, “he said you were flirty. I guess he was wrong. I mean he did say you were his too but, that doesn’t have to mean anything. However, if you were flirty you would think it’d be with me. Or you’re just loyal to him. Which is good. He likes his boys loyal.”

  
What was he talking about? Was this some kind of sick joke? Had he been trying to seduce me? What? Why? What was the point of that?

  
“What is this?” I asked him.

  
“Don’t worry about it,” he said standing up and walking away.

  
I let him leave feeling numb. Allowing myself to calm down before I walked back over to the other living room and sat down on the sofa farthest away from him. The rest of the evening was uneventful. We watched the parent trap and then pizza came, Hank paying for it with the idea that Louis would pay him back later and he brought it upstairs me holding Mac tightly watching him closely as he dropped it off, making sure he kept his hands to himself. Shortly after eating I helped Karen put them down and then everyone else slowly worked their way to bed. Karen and Louis watched new year’s rocking eve and when it hit midnight I crept away to my own bed as Louis and Karen got on the lift and turned off the TV.

  
It was the year 1999 and I knew things were changing. That life was changing and it wasn’t for the better. I had 8 days left. 8 days before I went to the zoo with Lionel. 8 days before I learned what life had been like for Cole. 8 days before I learned my true fate.


End file.
